#sex edventures 2020

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

you don’t need to answer this bc i know your ask backlog is IMMENSE. i just wanted to say that i found ur blog during sex edventures 2020 and it was life changing for me. i grew up in a fundie evangelical religion where anything sex related, especially solo sex, was taboo. i had no idea how to be safe w/myself. now i have a lovely relationship with my body and have been able to pass on safe advice to other ppl from my former church that i learned from you. thank you for your help <3

I just want you to know that messages like this one live in the back of my head forever and whenever I get in one of my terrible 20-something funks feelings like I'm wasting my life and will never do anything that matters I remember people like you and that I've helped more people than I will probably ever get to even know about and then I feel okay again. so thank you for that :)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Does this mean that if you are not sexually active, you can't get HPV at all? Or are there other ways of contracting it that are less common?

I’m delighted to inform you that while HPV is primarily spread through anal, vaginal, and oral sex, it’s actually so common that it can pass through skin-to-skin contact. 

somewhere around 80% of people will acquire HPV at some point in their lives, and as stated in the article I linked, most of those people will never know, since the virus will display no symptoms and be killed off by your immune system fairly quickly. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello sex witch! i've been a bit confused lately. the thought of sex or engaging in sexual activity has always given me really bad anxiety, to the point where I end up feeling physically ill. but I still sometimes feel the desire to look at sex related stuff, but immediately feel terrible after looking at any of it. I don't think sex is bad or anything, and it's really distressing that something normal causes me so much anxiety. do you know what could be causing this, or how to manage it? ty

hi anon,

this is a big question! let’s try to break it down piece by piece!

first off, it’s perfectly okay to not want to engage in sexual activity, for any reason. if the reason is “thinking about it makes me physically ill,” that’s okay. I would personally recommend that nobody does anything that makes them that anxious! it doesn’t mean that you secretly think sex is evil, it just means it’s not something that’s healthy for you personally to be engaging in. what a good thing to recognize about yourself!

again, just want to emphasize this here: it’s okay to have anxiety about something ‘normal.’ everyone’s normal is different, and there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people who are made uncomfortable any number of things that you probably think are entirely unremarkable. I’m not saying it’s not something to address with a mental health professional if you want, but I also don’t want you to think that there’s somehow something wrong with you for feeling this way. 

secondly: it’s also completely normal to be interested in looking at content relating to things that you personally wouldn’t want to take part in, or even particularly want to happen in real life. I really like Octavia Butler’s Fledgling, but I don’t particularly want to live in a psychic vampire sex cult. hell, I kind of like learning about real, non-vampire cults, but again - doesn’t mean I think they’re good or want to be in one. big difference!

so, why are you feeling yucky after looking at sex related material? (is it porn, anon? you can tell me if it’s porn. we’re broadly pro-porn in my little corner of the internet.) well, I can’t give you a single answer, because I don’t live in your head, but I can take a few educated guesses.

we’ve already established that sexual activity causes you a lot of anxiety. sometimes it can be difficult to resist the urge to look at something even if you know it might not be good for you. I think it’s sort of the mental equivalent of poking at your lip when it’s cracked, doing it over and over again even though you know there’s going to be a little pinprick of pain each time because the sensation is just sort of fascinating. 

I’ve certainly been known to partake in this somewhat irresponsible behavior. here are a few things that cause me varying degrees of anxiety: dead animals on the road, deep sea fish with too many teeth, the very existence of climate change. but sometimes when I’m on a walk and happen on a dead animal I stare at it for way too long anyway, or if I find a cool article about deep sea fish with too many teeth I read the entire thing, and boy howdy do I like genre fiction that takes place in the future after climate change has thoroughly trashed our lil planet. and sometimes I end up laying awake, desperately waiting for my melatonin to kick in, ruminating on that dead animal/fucked up fish/climate change, and I have to ask myself, was that worth it? 

(usually yes with the fish and the climate change, because I get to learn new things and read good books. sometimes even yes with the roadkill, honestly, because every time I see a decomposing deer I’m like ‘damn, I could make a really weird short story out of this.’)

anyway, what I’m getting at here is that it may be time to sit down and have a real hard conversation with yourself about whether your interest in sexual content is worth the way you’re going to feel afterwards. I can’t answer that for you, of course, but from what you’ve told me it sounds like the answer might be no.  

you may want to dig a little further than that - maybe there’s a particular kind of sexual activity or dynamic that’s especially upsetting to you? maybe you’re okay with text but not visual and audio? that may be useful to know for future explorations; I’m all for you easing yourself into engaging with things that make you uncomfortable in small doses, but only if you can do it in a way that’s minimally distressing. 

if you do some reflecting and realize, “oh, I have ESPECIALLY bad reaction when the sex involves twelve time-travelling viking werewolves all getting it on in a denny’s dumpster,” maybe it’s time to start avoiding the time-travelling werewolf viking public orgy erotica. (that’s obviously an extremely specific example, but it could be something much more subtle that you find upsetting - particular behaviors, terminology, scenarios, and so on. lots of people don’t like the fairly ubiquitous trope of characters hooking up after they’ve been drinking, for instance, because of how it can complicate matters of consent.)

if, having done that soul searching, your conclusion is “no, I think it’s just sex in general that profoundly upsets me and makes me feel wildly unpleasant,” then I have great news - the answer is to stop intentionally seeking that out. just... stop looking at the thing that makes you feel bad. sexual imagery is definitely hard to avoid in Our Society(TM) but you can at least make things easier on yourself by not seeking it out on purpose. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Sorry to interrupt scooby doo posting, but I have a weird concern

I’m on birth control and that’s reduced my periods to like almost no blood at all and very little cramping; and my doctors given the head nod of that being normal

But now, all of a sudden for this month, I’m bleeding a bit more (not back to my norm tho which was a medium flow) and cramping A Lot, is that something I should like try to see my doctor over immediately? Or is that not too abnormal in the period wheelhouse and can wait to be mentioned at the next appointment? I’m very bad at knowing what’s like abnormal enough to be concerning with my body

Anyways, thank you for answering these types of questions you do really important work, and even if it’s not me asking I’m always interested in reading the answers

don’t feel bad about interrupting Scooby posting at all, I was actually very afraid this ask was going to be someone getting mad about my goofball analysis of a children’s cartoon and it was a huge relief to see this instead

I’m going to file what you’re experiencing firmly under “not too abnormal in the period wheelhouse.” irregular period activity is so common as to be the norm on birth control, and what you’re experiencing - slight increase in bleeding, worsened cramps - sounds completely typical, especially if it’s only been a few months since you first started taking birth control. 

(if it’s been longer, no need to worry; this kind of thing is just most common when your cycle is still adjusting to the influx of hormones.)

obviously, there are certain warning signs that shouldn’t be disregarded: if this period lasts much longer than is usual for you, if the cramping gets bad enough that you can’t comfortable walk or move, if you’re feeling lightheaded, nauseous, or prone to fainting, etc. if anything like that starts happening, please seek medical help asap! in general, I use the rule of thumb that if something is happening with your body that’s disrupting your ability to function as you do normally, then it’s probably time to talk to someone in a hurry. 

aside from those kinds of worst case scenarios, I’d say you’re a-okay to hang onto this one and bring it up at your next appointment. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Is it odd to be self conscious about what my vagina looks like? What I've seen in porn doesnt look like mine at all and I kinda wonder if I'm weird?

hi anon, 

I’m gonna tell you right off the bat, it’s not really odd to be self conscious about what any part of your body looks like. that is, unfortunately, a pretty natural human tendency, one that can be difficult to unlearn for good. our brains are wired for observations and comparison, which is awesome in a lot of ways but less than awesome when we find ourselves unable to stop wondering if everyone else notices, like, how weirdly shaped our elbows are.

this tends to be especially true when it comes to genitalia. of the parts of other people’s bodies that you’re most likely to be able to see and make judgements/comparisons about, the genitals are going to be pretty low on the list in the majority of cases (unless you’re in certain professions, obviously). that means that when you see new genitals, there’s a very good chance it’s going to be in porn.

is there anything wrong with that? no, but it’s important to keep in mind that what you’re seeing in porn is very much a work of fiction, and that everything being presented is the result of multiple takes, creative camera work, editing, makeup artists, etc. folks who work in porn obviously have a vested interest in making sure their junk looks nice on camera, which means it’s pretty normal to be seeing bodies that don’t look like the bodies of people who aren’t in sex work. 

think: of it like this: the vulva you saw (and I’m assuming it was the external vulva, rather than the internal vagina) has an entire team making it look the way it does, which I think is probably not the case for you. expecting your vulva to look like a porn vulva would be kind of like this without any help or effort on your part

Lucy Liu is, obviously, a gorgeous woman, but presumably she doesn’t just roll out of bed looking like Prince or get that way without considerable assistance and people who know what they’re doing behind the camera. 

also even outside of porn there’s just, like, tremendous variety in what the vulva and labia look like, totally normal for things to be different colors, different lengths, a little wrinkly, whatever. bodies is bodies, having a body that doesn’t look like other people’s body is pretty much the most normal thing I can thing of.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Not the same anon but I’m just wondering isn’t there a vaccine against cervical cancer? Or is it just some types?

there’s regrettably no such thing as a cancer vaccine but there is a vaccine against human papillomavirus, which is far and away the most common cause of cervical cancer

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch. Is it important to douche before you have anal sex? I get really embarrassed at the idea of not being clean back there, but I don't know if douching is bad for your body or not.

hi anon,

it’s important to be extra conscientious about hygiene when planning for anal sex, both because of the presence of fecal matter and because anal tissue is relatively delicate and prone to infection.

that doesn’t necessarily have to mean douching, which isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. it can be a tedious and messy process, and can cause harm to the anal tissue if done incorrectly or too often (the San Francisco AIDS Foundation recommends only once a day, and not more than two or three times a week). 

as it happens, I’m currently lousy with videos about how to douche safely since I’m prepping for a safe sex 101 presentation for a bunch of freshmen, so let me go ahead and link you to a few videos - here, here, and here - that can give you some helpful pointers if douching is something you’re interested in trying, as well as some other general hygiene tips.

however, like I said, douching is only necessary if you want it to be. there are certainly other ways to avoid or minimize a potential mess if you’d rather skip the douche, primarily having any partners planning on being anally penetrated track their food intake and bowel movements in order to be as confident as possible that there’s a minimal risk for any unwanted bowel movements occurring. 

even then, it’s best to be prepared for the unexpected and plan accordingly. feel free to lay down an old towel or two, and maybe even change out the sheets to a set you’re not too attached too. I’d also similarly recommend protective barriers for whatever is being inserted in the anus - condoms for a penis or sex toys, gloves for fingers, or a dental dam for a tongue - in order to be absolutely certain that any stray fecal matter is easy to dispose of and not getting on anyone’s skin or in their mouth. 

for penetrative sex, there are also internal condoms (often, unfortunately, marketed as ‘female condoms’) that can be inserted in the anus up to several hours before sex, which serve the same function as a condom placed over a penis or dildo but from the interior. (don’t use both at once, as this increases friction and decreases the effectiveness of both condoms!) I once had a great chat with a community educator who swore by internal condoms for penetrative anal sex because of the convenience it allowed.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Obviously it's okay if you dont know the answer to this but idk who to ask so like Do you know if there's a word/sexuality that is just "attracted to people with penises" I'm a trans guy so I know the issues with saying I would never date X but I dont care about gender i just dont want to date someone with a vagina.

okay so like. I don’t want to invalidate the question you’re asking here or the thought behind it, because I can tell the intent behind this is a good one and it’s born from a desire to be inclusive. 

now, having said that: I don’t think you or anyone else needs a word to describe their attraction that’s specifically tied to the genitalia of potential partners. you can just... use whatever word describes the gender or genders that you’re interested in. that’s fine, I promise.

may I use myself as an example here? I’m going to, because that’s the only way to be 100% sure that the example being used is an ethical one, so here goes:

I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to people of many genders. I’m also not particularly interested in penises! I don’t enjoy penetrative sex at all, I don’t relish the idea of a penis in my mouth, and in general I just. have no idea what one is meant to do if they find themselves face to face with a penis. I have been there, I have tried, it was not my cup of tea and I felt very bad for being a mostly nonreciprocal partner. for all of those reasons and more, I am unlikely to seek out intimacy with another penis-owner.

I am still bisexual, regardless of what genitalia I am interested in touching, because your sexual orientation doesn’t have to cover every single person who potentially falls into your attraction pool. do you know what I mean? when I say I’m attracted to men, I don’t have to mean EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD. no reasonable person on earth would expect me to mean EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD. when I say I’m attracted to men it’s understood that I’m still allowed to be selective based on things like physical attraction and personality and age and shared interests - and, yes, whether or not they have a penis. 

I’d also like to point out that - again, while I think you have good intentions here - identities based on attraction specific genitals are... sort of falling exactly into the genital fixation that really isn’t cool. not to mention incredibly presumptuous - odds are, you’re going to be attracted to some people who aren’t of a compatible sexual orientation or genital configuration in your life, because that information isn’t something you’re likely to know upon initial interest. finding out later that they weren’t compatible with you for some reason doesn’t mean you weren’t attracted to them, it just means that the attraction didn’t go anywhere.

what I’m saying is - it’s all fine and well to know what kind of intimacy you’re interested in pursuing. that’s not transphobic, I promise. nobody wants you to pretend you’re into something you’re not into and force yourself into a mutually unsatisfying relationship to prove some point of nebulous wokeness. but trying to define yourself specifically based on the genitals you’re into is getting into some weird territory, and I would gently advise against it. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

so i have a weird thing that’s not really healing on one of my breast’s and i have a drs appt next friday but like i’m not sure how to tell that to the dr without feeling super awkward, any advice on just being a little chill about it?

fun fact: it’s actually okay if you feel awkward while telling your doctor about your health concerns. you have my full blessing to do that. what matters is that you tell them anyway.

you don’t leave that office without saying “oh, hey, I have a question about something actually.” be prepared for the likelihood of a breast exam; if you haven’t had one before, I hope you’re into crinkly hospital gowns and latex gloves on your tiddies. your doctor might comment that your breasts are a little lopsided, but hopefully that’s just a weird thing that happened to me one time and not standard practice.

it’s not fun by any stretch of the imagination, nor particularly comfortable, but at the end you’ll ideally have a better sense of what’s up with your breast or a referral to another person who can help you, and that’s definitely worth a minute or two of awkwardness. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hiya. When I was younger I was told to have a pap test asap after sex for the first time, I'm 25 and never had sex so I haven't bothered but I just learnt that in other countries, people get recommended to do it after their first period or at 21. I looked it up and in Australia, the age for first time is 25 if you havent had sex and regular screenings every 5 years. I was just wondering if you knew or could come to an educated conclusion why these recommendations are different. And at what age/stage of life, would you say would be a good time to get one done for the first time (granted there are no medical problems to send you to you one early)

(Link if you or anyone is interested

https://www.health.gov.au/initiatives-and-programs/national-cervical-screening-program/getting-a-cervical-screening-test/who-should-get-a-cervical-screening-test )

Happy Holidays :3

hi anon,

let’s start with the obligatory disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional, I do not work in the medical field, and if anyone reading this has any questions about whether they, personally, should be getting a Pap smear, that’s a question for a doctor and not me. 

cool? cool.

I will say right off the bat I’m not familiar with the recommendation to get a Pap smear after one starts their period. that’s not to say that that’s not the standard practice anywhere else, but here in America I’ve always heard “after you start being sexually active or after you turn 21, whichever comes first,” with screenings every three years per Planned Parenthood’s advice.

understanding these recommendations will be infinitely easier if we understand what, exactly, Pap smears are and what they’re looking for. the test involves collecting cells from the cervix to test for cervical cancer, with the hopes of catching the cancer early and treating it before it can become serious. 

now, what causes cervical cancer? allow me to quote directly from the Center for Disease Control: Long-lasting infection with certain types of human papillomavirus (HPV) is the main cause of cervical cancer. HPV is a common virus that is passed from one person to another during sex. At least half of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives, but few [people with cervixes] will get cervical cancer.

so: Pap smears are looking for abnormalities that might indicate cervical cancer, and you’re extremely unlikely to have cervical cancer if you haven’t had sex - hence why the advice I’ve always heard starts with “after you start being sexually active.” to your final question, what age I would recommend getting one done for the first time - again, cool q for a doctor and not for me, but if you haven’t been sexually active you’re at exceptionally low risk and probably don’t have a lot to lose by delaying your first Pap smear. 

the “after the first period” advice is interesting, and I’ll admit that seems very young to me personally. while there are people whose first sexual experiences, for one reason or another, take place at an early age, and accounting for those people in preventative healthcare is important, the risk of developing cervical cancer at such an early age is spectacularly low, and on the whole I would not particularly recommend anyone seek out a Pap smear as a response to getting their first period. it’s not even particularly likely at 21, let alone at the very start of puberty.

as for why different countries offer different advice, I’m going to take a wild guess and say that’s straight up the inevitable results of having different people looking at the same problem.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Do vibrators actually kill the nerves in your clit and prevent you from feeling as much? Or is that just a hearsay kind of thing

the short answer is no.

the longer answer is still no, but allow me to explain further. 

“killing the nerves” isn’t a thing you need to worry about when using a vibrator; that’s a myth that stems from the kind of knee jerk alarmist bullshit that happens any time people with vaginas get something nice.

what you might want to be conscientious of is that it is possible to train your body to only respond to certain types of stimulation, which can make it difficult to enjoy sex in other situations that aren’t exactly like the conditions you’ve gotten used to. 

in short, only ever using one particular vibrator on one particular setting isn’t optimal, so make sure you get some variety in there. but killing nerves? not fucking likely. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hello sex witch! I have a question: is it okay to only be able to have clitoral orgasms? I've watched all these tutorial on how to have vaginal orgasms/find your G spot but it just doesn't work for me. So is it okay to reach orgasms via clitoral stimulation during sex and still have penetrative sex to please your partner?

oh, jeez, anon. I’m about to use a lot of effects for emphasis, and I don’t want you to think it’s because I’m mad at you, alright? I’m absolutely not. I just really need to convey the vehemence of my feelings here, and there are only so many ways I can do that via textual internet communication. 

okay, here goes. ready?

it’s okay to have orgasms however you like to have orgasms. full stop.

okay, did I say that forcefully enough? great. now let’s unpack it a little more.

first off, while I would never say that being ‘statistically average’ is important in matters of sex, you very much are. the vast, vast majority of people with vaginas and clits don’t receive full sexual pleasure from penetration alone. the exact number of people who receive more pleasure from clitoral stimulation varies depending on the survey, but tends to fall somewhere between 50 and 75 percent, so suffice to say you’re in good company here.

there’s a great biological reason for that, which is that your vagina frankly isn’t built to be sensitive to stimulation the way the clitoris is. the clitoris is jam-packed with about 8000 nerve endings designed to enjoy ever touch, and its only job is to notice when something is happening that feels really good. the vagina does a ton of really cool and impressive stuff, but “most sensitive organ in the body” is not on its list of accomplishments. 

“but Makenzie,” you’re saying, “what about the g-spot?”

right off the bat, it must needs be said that nothing is for everybody. sure, some people love vaginal sex. and some people will swear on the tender baby Jesus that the g-spot is real and they’ve experienced its wonders personally. I don’t doubt them, but I also don’t think that means everyone is going to have the same experience.

also, while the people who study this kind of thing professionally aren’t 100% in agreement about what exactly the g-spot is, there’s a lot of speculation that it’s actually just an internal portion of the clitoris (yep, that’s right, the external part of the clitoris is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg) being stimulated through the vaginal wall. so... maybe even vaginal orgasms are actually clitoral orgasms? maybe THAT’S what Eve Ensler was talking about when she referenced combo clit-vag orgasms in The Woman Who Liked To Make Vaginas Happy?

but while it’s interesting to speculate, I really need to emphasize this: at the end of the day, I don’t care why some people enjoy specific things so much they have an orgasm about it. we like what we like, desire is messy and difficult to unpack, and as long as what gets you off isn’t causing anybody any pain they didn’t consent to, there’s nothing wrong with you or what you’re into - and that most certainly includes a penchant for clitoral orgasms over their penetrative counterparts.

so why is there such a fuss about vaginal orgasms and the importance of having one of those instead of a clitoral orgasm? like many things, we can probably place a hefty dose of blame on old Sigmund Freud, who believed that clitoral orgasms were a mark of immaturity and that respectable, mature ladies needed to grow up and learn how to have vaginal orgasms. (wrong on many levels, and cissexist to boot.) it’s also worth pointing out that the sexual scripts for cisgender, heterosexual couples largely revolve around penetration and the male orgasm, with many things that could actually help a vagina-having partner orgasm relegated to “foreplay” and considered optional.

(foreplay is a lie, kids. it’s all sex.)

luckily you’re a smart, savvy anon, and you know what you like. if what you like is having clitoral orgasms and then doing some penetration for your partner’s sake, that’s a-okay. if you want to just have the clitoral orgasm and then not be penetrated at all, that’s also grand. (note that “grand” doesn’t necessarily mean “the right fit for every partner”; you are allowed to like what you like, and so are they, and it may take some trial and error to find someone whose likes fit with yours.) having sex is about doing what you like, my peep, and as long as you’re staying safe and consensual you cannot go wrong. 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

My gf and I (both cis girls) are planning on having sex for the first time in a couple of days. We’re both virgins, and I may be over thinking things but is using a dental dam something we should be using? Thank you so much for your advice

hi anon,

it’s unlikely that either of you would have any STIs to worry about passing if neither of you have ever engaged in any kind of sexual behavior before, although not impossible - several STIs can be passed from parent to child during pregnancy and birth, and herpes can be transmitted through kissing. 

these are, however, fairly uncommon, and if both of you are reasonable confident that you don’t have any sexually transmitted infections (something that you can confirm with some fairly simple tests, if that kind of healthcare is available in your area and something you’re able to access, although I wouldn’t say it’s strictly necessary at this point in your sexual careers), you have my blessing to go full steam ahead without the dental dams.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi sex witch! i saw a video that claimed aspirin can be used as a contraceptive. while both google and my common sense in my brain confirmed that that's bogus, i did read that using aspirin during pregnancy can contribute to a miscarriage and didn't find an immediate refutation. do you know if there's any truth to that?

okay so based on a quick check-in with my intimate friend Dr. Google:

there is some tentative research that indicates that aspirin may cause a very slightly higher chance of complications during and after pregnancy, although notably not miscarriage 

the most legit looking study I could find had a sample size of less than 600 at two hospitals in the same country, where the patients who took aspirin during pregnancy had slightly more vaginal bleeding than the control group but did not - and this is important - experience miscarriages or other complications at a significantly different rate than the control group

tl;dr science currently says “idk maybe  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” but doesn’t have any hard proof one way or the other

if you’re pregnant you should??? PROBABLY talk to your healthcare provider about painkillers and what’s okay to be going in your body 

definitely don’t try to use aspirin as a contraceptive though that’s bullshit 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi Sex Witch is it weird for sexual activity to feel good one day and absolutely awful on another? Thank you for educating us clueless youngsters

hi anon,

the short answer is yes, within reason.

the longer answer:

very little about sex is weird.

nothing about sexuality is set in stone or going to be the same every single time. some days you might not be able to have enough, other days you may have less than zero interest. there are a LOT of physical, mental, and emotional factors that influence how much you’re able to enjoy sex, rather than a switch that’s either “yes” or “no.”

now, like I said above, obviously there are limits to what’s acceptable variation. it’s normal to sometimes have a low libido or lack of interest, but if you’re finding on some days sex causes you physical pain or acute mental/emotional distress, that is definitely a problem, and one that should be taken to the appropriate healthcare provider (a gynecologist for physical pain, a therapist for the emotional pain, etc). 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey! I've been wanting to ask about having sex for the first time. My boyfriend says he'd like it with me but I'm in a constant flux of saying yes but also being terrified of it at the same time. I have no idea what to do. Any advice? Thank you ><

generally I think when deciding whether or not you ought to be having sex, you should apply the same rule you might use to decide whether or not you ought to try bungee jumping: if you’re a little nervous but mostly exciting and looking forward to it then full speed ahead, but if you’re so scared that you’re questioning whether you’d even be able to enjoy it, it’s probably best not to. 

there’s no shame in not feeling prepared at the present moment, you can always revisit the option later on if and when you do feel ready, and it’s always preferable to wait for a positive, wholly wanted experience than to rush into a potentially unpleasant one that you have some reservations about.