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and i s2g EVERY SUBWAY LINE IN THE CITY was delayed as im like GET ME TO THE [CABARET VENUE] ON TIME but it did and there HAPPENED to be a ticket available xtreme unofficial accidental rush style and IT SAT ME RIGHT BY THE STAGE AND MY SHIRT GOT THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND THERE WAS SLIDE WHISTLING AND KAZOOING and i cried and also after the show turned to Jaz Koft Instumentalizing Right There like "and im looking over during a song like oh hell yeah jaz on the melodica tearing it up!!" and jaz goes "You Know It" and i Oh Heyy [Compliment] william roland cavorting past totally spontaneously and Joe Was So Generous me talking on and on like SO TO ME, BANANA IS LIKE THIS AND HIS ARC IS LIKE THAT AND THIS MITB MOMENT AND I CRY THEN AND IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING STRONG AND THE MUSICIAN MIGHT FEEL LIKE THE SIDEKICK AND BANANA AS SOMEONE WHO'S HAD EXPERIENCES SO INTERNALIZING "YES I FEEL THIS AND WANT THAT BUT WHAT OF IT?? WHY WOULD THAT DIRECTLY AFFECT WHAT HAPPENS?? WHAT DO I DO???" you knowwwww i was in true damn form lmfaooo i brought up the halloween teaser trailer i had a delightful chat with jared amirah brooke owen. my god. max friedman bailey ford alexa spiegel of xmas fame & more were there & joe came up to chat to Them and then pivoted to me and let me talk with him in the building overhang rain outside the bar just gushing going on about bloodsong nichery and so much more and how i cry and laugh and stagger and tour de force and lo cocodrilo and he said he had a call about bloodsong Today and humorously that now me showing up with the tee and the gushing is part of that manifestation / energy like you goddamn know im not Not lmfaooo i have to cry and post some more and stuff. not tonight not tonight but jesus chriiiiiiiiist i took pics and Maybe at least one video. i was right by the stage. i like all but snuck in. live and in person was INCREDIBLE. im crying

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quick remarks beyond That Exchange I Just Had With Joe Ft. Pushing Banana (Bloodsong) Analysis / Interpretation Into His Arms here's some BULLET POINTS!!!!

DID I START CRYING WITH SONG 1! (WAVESONG!!) YES!!!

i cried and teared up more than just twice but ALSO DURING 52 which ive been talking about lately and ERIC WILLIAM MORRIS was sitting RIGHT beside me playing guitar & this after he said "good/cool shirt" to me (wearing an outlaw copyright violation bloodsong of love painterly poster shirt)

someone slide whistled right behind me lmaoo

someone also juked right behind me idk who

also eric william morris patted me on the shoulder leaving the stage

first time hearing the nurse & the addict Live and In Full and i was STAGGERED!!! i got lightheaded a little during this lmfaoo. i was yelling along for sure at the appropriate parts. i was AMAZED DELIGHTED

first solo number was jeremy morse Andy's Songing and i knew what was coming as joe was introducing it and i was like OHHH ANOTHER OFFICIAL MY FUCKIN GUYYY KICKING IT OFF LET'S GOOO and ive seen videos but KNOCKED ON MY ASS he did the bike thing he did the tap he did sooo much SLUT THAT MAN UP SUNDAY STAGGERINGLY so funnily so perfectly such as "fine with what I've got" [gestures to Self "i am Sleek"esquely. or such] and other Gyrations and things and this like. break for adlibbed dialogue in this voice about How Fine He Is I Don't Need These Things and i was. knocked on my assssss i was AGOG i can honestly tell you. i was gasping :OOOOOing all over this concert

during Everybody's At The Bar (Without Me) (lauren marcus) after each line thusly it'd be lights up on the rest of the gang at the bar area having a great time lmaooo getting a bit Awkwardly (In Character) Less Enthused when lauren went over mid song

first cicada song live in FIFTEEN YEARS??? we are making out with things to ruin tonight including morgan siobhan green's Dodgeball which WAS THAT CHARACTER SONG JOURNEY my gosshhhh

will roland like going right into Verge Of Tears But Holding Firm looking out across the audience after his cat rejects the party hat. he kept having these lip trembles (which is also special because so did i in the things that were really tearing me up, like wavesong the opening, 52, the goodbye song OFC I SANG ALONG FULL TILT AT THE OH & AHs! LIVE & IN PERSON!!! but i kept tearing up and shedding tears of amazement emotion appreciation)

i was taking pics in the stairs hallway going from its Lil'est Lobby to The Street and realized as he passed that Will Roland Is Scampering By & i went "oh hey!!" and then something very much like "great/amazing performance, i was. staggered" and he goodhumoredly goes Thanks!! as he scampers off :) jenashtep was there & gone but i called politely after her mother as she was leaving up the stairs to say btw i just finished reading vol 1 the untold stories of broadway!! aaah!! she was lovely, as was liz lark brown who i snagged outside & her father waiting for me to gush just on the sidewalk in the rain

scampered myself across the street to jared weiss / amirah joy lomax / brooke shapiro / owen wilson smith (i think!!) & gushed too & was like Umm Celebs From Christmas!!! & like can't wait to catch an amirah solo (or duet) Live & brooke was like I Was Just Saying!!!! and jared was like this is the first time anyone's called me an A-Lister & like I can't believe you remember the halloween teaser trailer!! as im like i think about the halloween teaser trailer like once a week. and we quote [i should be singing honey....*i* should be singing honey....] and im like yeah you're the final girl with the washboard and everyone's dead maybe i should've done something, my favorite movie. and everyone is shaking my hand we're exchanging names like people are generous and delightful my gosh

like uhhh yeah the LIVE AND IN PERSON

i so like snuck in lmaooo i was trying to snag seth eliser's extra ticket but wasn't getting a reply on ig lmaooo but i was like im gonna go & get turned away than Not go but have Maybe had a chance. that ticket was indeed maybe already picked up but the person was like actually but it's your lucky day (ORVPHIL rights???) someone has a ticket they're not using that someone can take, you want it? YES SURE IF I CAN. and they sit me STAGESIDE. PIANOSIDE. JOE saw my BLOODSONG POSTER TEE right at the start and Acknowledged It In Delight and i was like Hell Yeahhh back and within two hours am monologuing about Who Banana Is To Me at him as he is very generous and genuine about it all too

LIVE AND IN PERSON

cried cried cried due to simply even being there but it's STAGGERING. and not lorinda lisitza doing All Of The Saga Of Ammonia!!! and it WAS a damn saga (Good Way Ofcccc) aughhh

im so. it IS my lucky day. i haven't even properly wept. im doing it a bit now. aaauughhhhh

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just did the TRUEST FORM OF MY BLOODSONG OF LOVE POSTING which was chatting w joe iconis (a lot of me gushing and Enthusiastically Monologueing ofc but there Was info exchanged) under the overhang of a building while it rained before he went into the bar and me talking all about e.g. how the entr'acte / act two opening kills me & is a tour de force & then i like explained my Banana Character/Arc Analysis To Me & how i Feel about that & we hyped up lance behind his back & i did Not quite get to things like "and i think banana & lo cocodrilo should kiss" but it's like the black suits says about blowing your load the first time out (you don't wanna do that) but for my bloodsong enthusiasm & analysis & queer lenses. i did mention ofc how joe himself sets up the mitb Banana Prayer scene that makes me cry like "oh banana! you don't know how to be straight! you don't know how to say goodnight!" lmaooo so it's there....and ofc i mentioned like uh idk The Concert Just Tonight and Christmas and everything but like. christ was tonight On Brand lmfaooo. and it's seth eliser's fault!!!!! and he brandished his headshot at me & didn't even know!!! and i called him [shakes fist] That Minx when explaining to joe that it's his fault indirectly that i basically snuck in tonight (not really but it was a Stroke Of Luck. and we'll make it up on the next hole :] )

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AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHH!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

IM SITTING HERE RN!!!!! LOOK AT MY POSTS BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!

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what-if liveliness like "what if your meetcute went just the same but with acts of god moved slightly to the left" and there can be twice the dramatic injury and permanent long-distance physical connection

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IM SITTING HERE RN!!!!! LOOK AT MY POSTS BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!

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perhaps combining ideas like "where lo cocodrilo can be a coyote sometimes" + "where lo cocodrilo can use those skills for bodyguarding" + "where lo cocodrilo can use those skills to help banana out of a situation" and the way being a coyote or not works is according to my whimsy but could be things like "not when asleep" or i guess "not when someone knows (and you know they know? they say it? in this case above)" or maybe "when you know it's safe" etc

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Me to me when I repeat past mistakes when I know better

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purgatorio (c. 1321) - dante alighieri

"love loses"

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and speaking of breaking out the lens of "romantic (narrative applied to Forming The Normate Domestic/Familial Social Unit Base That Is The Lifelong Marriage™ into The Family Household) relationships being treated as Superior In A Hierarchy like groups & individuals" wherein like when pointing out that how ppl Individually define romance is always feelings/wants/interactions you can have in non-romantic dynamics/relationships, so where's the supposed Universal Objective Romance emerging, the response is usually that besides "but this individual doesn't want those same things with any/everyone / it differs" (what feelings / wants / interactions across individual relationships don't) that what distinguishes something as a Romantic Context is Exclusivity, which is defined as out of Superiority, i.e. oh but this emotional experience is More / Most [positive association] with this One Person so that's why it's Romance / Love™

and then just extending from that it's like what Isn't like "oh god you really live like this" re: romantic ideals when it's like people indeed describe / define their individual romantic relationships through being Most Superior in a ranking system. Marrying Your Best Friend like do what you want but then it's also like well plenty of people who would say their Best Friend is someone else. and then it's like why are your friends ranked too by the way. why is one's spouse ranked as Favorite Person In The World and if everyone else was dead that'd be like Eh, whatever. except that then the answer is that someone is supposed to Advance beyond being everyone else's dead background character by being Best Person In Existence to someone, romance style, so i think that is a checkmate atheists to going "isn't it miserable talking about everyone else But One's Romantic Partner as less than this one person"

and then for one thing like, already implicit in This Person Is The Best / Favorite Of You All & how everyone else can go fuck themselves or i guess Their romantic partners bc they didn't have the good taste to choose yours, is the logic where then Isolation is the ideal form of romance. don't need anyone else or want anyone else and in fact, if you DO value anyone else that diminishes that romance, and any feelings / wants / interactions actively sought or i guess just indeed consciously valued with anyone else can be deemed Basically Cheating / slipping along that slope so Still Basically Cheating and somehow no matter the dynamic this is like the worst possibility. except divorce / breaking up? Unless that's due to Cheating. checkmate again idk

but then also and related to all these things is that Lens On Romance of like how this also demands insecurity / precarity. like how any "ideals" that are supposed The Realest Things Ever Around Which Everyone Must Be Organized, like say, heterosexuality, abledness, are Impossible and thus everyone's status in the Hierarchies organized by these metrics is forever insecure. what's not to be insecure about when the great news is anyone you can be attached to / intimate with / feel anything towards want anything with do anything with is Just Some Guy or such a guy's peer, but if something is Valued & Good it has to be Better Than & so romantic partners are The Best Perfect Person In The World & Better Than All You Other Fucks In My Life like well no they aren't. what's not to be insecure about about being Perfect or The Best or Favorite or "also you're like at the center of my life & i will collapse dying star style without Our Romance" like ah jeez. as is a factor present in the assumed Emotional Stakes / Emotional Wellbeing In Precarity when someone Likes-Likes someone & this means Wanting Something Else from them and that means that it's cruel to turn this down....and of course it's encouraged to try to see someone in the light of being Perfect Favorite The Best. and see if you can fulfill every want & resolve every emotion that way. look to Family if not (required, feelings don't matter) or maybe even those Friends (required but also so Spontaneous that even the active effort of Wanting Anything should be irrelevant, much less anything else. vs family requiring effort as Obligation & romance requiring the additional effort of pursuit)

meanwhile also to me it's like of course not just Let's Escape Romance / Marriage / Family but also like it's not like it can be where the focus is on "hey, we don't have to channel all our Love™ into the myth/os of Romance" and then thus how Love can do all these other things without these con(str)aining structures like look sure whatever. but again when it's like well Romance doesn't need love™ either, and lord knows if it seems to be present for One person that guarantees nothing in particular about how Good it'll be, or even if mutually present in all relevant parties....like, when the sustaining of a Hierarchy is the foregone conclusion, supposedly All Things back it up / lead to it / are encompassed by it, and contradictions will be there just fine, because it's about that unspoken premise of superiority, not actual consistency or Rigorous Questioning. and so like Superior™ Person/Group can just HAVE to have power over Inferior™ Person/Group because they love them. or because they hate them. either works just fine. or bc their neutrality renders them the coolheaded objective leader shepherd patriarch types here, thanks. or bc they have all that experience already. etc etc. Love can be part of the same violence just fine the whole time. but Lack Of Power Difference & Of Sustaining/Exploiting Greater Precarity can't really be a part of it. what someone thinks / feels about others is their personal problem unless/until they have the power such that they can act on it & make it someone else's problem, & it's not all Individual Flukes out here amidst the ideal Normal™ ways of relating & what is acted out out here....all to say idgaf about Rescuing Love From Romance™ like people can feel whatever. but people should get themselves & their lives outta there & their feelings & wants & other ways of relating & interacting w others will go with them

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powerful insights i post in my head after turning in for the night like "speaking of Bloodsong Canon Just Slightly To The Left the musician sure was like a centimeter away from throwing down his yugioh card of Makes Nemeses Orgasm" like not only Yeah So True, Self but it probably would've gone better

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will roland and danielle gimbal performing "party hat" at the monday august 18th show (from 54below on instagram)

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aha! "In the same vein was Brown’s rendition of “Headshot,” blaming an actress’s failed auditions and faltering career on the bad photo she submitted of herself, with the company then running through the house and tearing up their own headshots."

and this pic from jenashtep's instagram post of mission hq (pre-show 1 rehearsing?) for the road

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"the cicada song (i was born this morning)" at the monday august 18th show

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but watch out

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Watch Out!