#even when they continue to hurt you in order to feel better about themselves

[ihaveasolutionbutyouwontlikeit]

... people behave in this way because they are subconsciously socialized to understand that it is acceptable for them to do so, and I think that continuing to refuse to interrogate the way that they are hurting the people around them by failing to unlearn those habits is a choice.

I agree with this statement, and feel the need to point out that you may not always be aware of the way you may be hurting the people around you by doing so, so to sound like a broken but catchy record - check your conditioning. I'd recommend checking in/being a little vulnerable with trusted safe spaces/friends and take a minute to discuss introspective concerns, have conversations around "is there anything I can do, or not do, to meet in the middle for the aim of better improving or supporting the dynamics of this interpersonal relationship that I value immensely." It will save you mental and emotional energy externalising the potential half thoughts/tension you may not realise you may have been holding in your mind and body, and it will help facilitate clarity, open communication and increasingly solid foundations in your relationships with loved ones. It creates a space to allow the other person/s to bring up something that may have been bothering them about themselves or you that they find difficult to sense the "right" time for. It allows opportunity to practice healthy interpersonal skills of community and friendship that have gone by the wayside in recent years as a by-product of digital communication promotion and advancement.

If people are afraid to take the first step and talk to each other, to be, or model being, a little uncomfortable, in order to grow together, then it creates unbalanced dynamics and greater propensity to sweep minor things under the rug, so to speak, leaving big things to blow up and collapse a valued dynamic that grew brittle due to the closing off of open and vulnerable communication. If we are afraid of the possibility of getting hurt in a low risk way, and we allow that to stop us from reaching out and practice risk assessment, not just in physical spaces, but mental, emotional and social ones, we also hurt ourselves by closing off and twisting into ourselves to a detrimental degree.

It's a balance, but to maintain it, we need to be continually moving and shifting and alive, first.

For me, this manifests and relates/regulates to my mental and emotional states in physical ways.

If I am too still, I mentally and emotionally slow down and become melancholic and prone to more severe manifestations of anxiety/stress responses.

If I am too fast, too full of pent up energies with no outlets, I become angry and arrogant and chaotic to the degree of destruction. I shift more often/multiple times a week or even day.

If I become overwhelmed by too many sensory energies that are abrasive to my current requirements for being, I short circuit, I meltdown, I shutdown, and the reboot can take a not small amount of time to finish it's procedural applications to regain homeostasis.

When I am calm, at peace, feel loved, am loving, am helping, able to be mindful and process, initiate, undertake and continually improve my own or others conditions for being, I can be open to being vulnerable, to allowing the feeling of safety to permeate my mental and emotional spaces and then extend out to my physical body, be open to allowing others to keep me safe and in turn care for me as I care for them, and initiate growth minded concepts and conversation to take place, the results of which take root better in our garden souls than fences of shame, guilt and uncertainty.

My point here is that self knowledge overlaps into our relationships and social spheres, they are not individualised lines, but globs of particulate matter that sometimes stick and build and copy themselves into multiple places, like a living organism that is made up of millions of different cells and microbes. This is refracted inwards and outwards, your mental, emotional and social connections are Fibonacci sequencing out all over the place in multiple directions. This is the ripple effect. This is wave theory. This is the song, and the harmonic balancer that is possibility, is life.

We need to mindfully be growth minded and open to possibilities. Even if it feels uncomfortable, even if it hurts. If it didn't hurt, sometimes, then how would you know you're alive, and not just dreaming. We define this as reality. And when I hear and say it's subjective, it because of alllll this I mindfully hold, am aware of, almost constantly. The ways we connect and diverge. The ways things are perceived, which shapes human based beliefs and social realities. The dynamics that are so similar where we observe an individual, or an empire. The way the generalisations of a civilisation can make or break a person from the inside out. The stories we tell ourselves, tell others, take in from the world and quietly create for ourselves, for our children, for our loved ones, told in snippets and added to as the days, years, decades pass. The chapters we turn into footnotes, the pages we choose to tear out, leaving nothing but a raised edge of a page leaf in the binding to mark its having been noteworthy, an intentional disregard of context in the story of you.

The clover is greener where it gets watered and lit up and exposed to beneficial nutrients.

I once told a friend that I didn't agree with their statement of seeing people's 'true colours' when they are struggling. I believe you see someone's 'true colours' when they are doing well, have everything they need, and have nothing to substantially/physically gain from their interactions with the world and the people in their spheres. It is then you see their truths, their self perceptions, their world views, their bias and their values, their conditioning and their personal drivers for happiness and success in their spheres and paths. It may not always be what they say it is, it may not always even be obvious to their self understanding. It's worth noting also that the perception of their 'doing well' it's also subject to your own bias and conditioning and knowledge of them. So in this, there will always be flaws. To err is human, after all, and it is a gift, believe it or not. We do the best we can, with what we know, with what we can. We. All of us. So in this it needs to be said too, that your balance may appear toxic to some, whose healing is on a different fulcrum or trajectory or stairwell to yours. Their roads or flights or Rolly Polly down a hill or Sisyphean tasks to healing may not appear healthy to you either, it will be hard to understand. That's okay. You don't need to understand everything. You don't need to tolerate everything. Just some. Just enough to make the interpersonal dynamic and foundation building and continual reforging beneficial for all/both of you.

I feel like I have so much more to say here, and may come back to do so, I have thought worms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and community interconnectedness niggling in my brain soil, but also a need to do something else right this mo'.

I don't think men saying out of pocket shit to me on the internet is because they're men. everyday billions of men wake up and don't say out of pocket shit to me on the internet. this is clearly an active choice

[bybobbysbeard]

Arrivals

Day 8 for @bucktommyfluffebruary: surprise read on ao3 read other days here

Buck smells like an airport. He couldn’t accurately describe what that smell entails, but he knows he stinks of it. He’s exhausted, his feet hurt, and his bad leg is swollen from the pressure changes. He wants to take his sneakers off, drink a massive glass of icy-cold water, and fall into bed; in that order. 

But no matter how crappy he feels, he won’t let a single word of complaint pass his lips. Any discomfort he’s experiencing has to be dwarfed by what Maddie’s going through. She just did the same amount of traveling as him, and she's six months pregnant. Thank God they were only in Pennsylvania for the weekend. His Mom’s retirement party went well, Buck didn’t make a fool of himself, and Maddie was glowing. But being with his parents was as exhausting as ever. 

And that’s not including the fact that they still have no idea how to deal with Buck dating a man. 

They have never cared about anyone he’s dated before, as long as he wasn’t embarrassing them or getting a girl pregnant. And then they saw him with Tommy at Maddie’s wedding. They didn’t say anything, but Buck could feel his Mom’s eyes on him the whole time. Even as he escorted a half-asleep Tommy to his Jeep, they only waved half-heartedly. He assumed they had decided it was a phase, and didn’t need to introduce themselves. 

When he told them on Friday that Tommy was on special deployment, or he would have brought him along, his mom stuttered over three different sentence starts. She finally ended up with, “I didn’t realize you were still with him.”

Before Buck could think better of it, he said, “Technically, I’m with him again.” That had kicked off a barebones explanation of their break-up and reconciliation, which his parents had not reacted well to. 

The rest of the weekend continued in the same tone.  

The pointed, leading questions, which he pretended to misunderstand. The insinuations that he didn’t know his own mind, which he ignored. The blatant aspersions against Tommy, blaming him for confusing Evan and leading him on. Those he addressed immediately, and at one point, it would have devolved into a shouting match, if not for Maddie. 

Suffice to say, he’s happy to be back in Los Angeles, even if he still has an hour long Uber ride ahead of him. Normally, he knows his family would be tripping over themselves to pick them up from the airport, but Chimney is home with a still-sick-but-recovering Jee, and the rest of the 118 is on shift. Most disappointingly, Tommy’s still fighting the wildfires up north, piloting water bombers for another week and a half.

Buck will be going home to an empty loft. 

The baggage carousel comes into view, so Buck parks Maddie by a nearby column and goes to wait for their bags. She’s digging her cell out as he turns away. He checks his own phone, finds ‘welcome home’ messages from the group chat, but nothing from Tommy. He’s probably in the air. Or sleeping. Eventually, a familiar navy bag and maroon suitcase come into view. His duffle gets slung over a shoulder and he leads Maddie’s wheeling suitcase over. They head towards Arrivals without any words exchanged. Maddie’s walking slowly, obviously tired, breath puffing out of her mouth as she rests one hand low on her belly. Buck wraps an arm around her shoulders and she leans into him. 

“I wish Chimney and Jee could have come with us. He’s so good with Mom and Dad, and Jee is so distracting.” She sighs. “I’m sorry again. About what they were saying. I wish they would just be happy for you.”

“It’s alright Mads, I wasn’t about to let you fly to Hershey all alone. I can deal with them for a weekend.”

She lapses into silence again. They turn another corner and step onto an escalator, finally descending to ground level. The Arrivals area is a wider section of the terminal, an open space, right by the main exit. Floor to ceiling windows let in the setting sun. There’s people all around, reunions between travelers and their families happening in a hundred different languages, a hundred different cultures. Buck steers them through the crowd, hearing the laughter and tears in the voices surrounding them. There’s a line of people by the doors, holding signs. Sunbeams edge everyone in gold.

One of the signs says “Buckley.”

Wait, what? His eyes jerk from the sign to the man holding it. 

Holy shit. It’s Tommy. How?!

Buck stops dead. Their eyes meet. He knows his mouth is hanging open. Tommy’s smiling widely, almost laughing at the dumbfounded expression that Buck knows he’s sporting. His face crinkles adorably with the force of his joy. His eyes are sparkling. 

The arm Buck has around Maddie’s shoulder jerks her to a stop too. People continue to stream around them. She darts a look at his face, bursting into laughter and following his gaze to Tommy. She waves, still giggling. Tommy’s already striding over, eating up the distance between them until he's close enough to touch.

Two big hands settle on his cheeks, pinkies applying the smallest pressure to his jaw. His teeth clack together when he finally remembers to shut his mouth. A chaste, gentle kiss is pressed to his lips.

“Hi baby. Welcome home.”

Stupidly, all Buck can think to say is, “you’re supposed to be in Oregon.”

Tommy chuckles. “I was, but the Canadians showed up early, so they sent us home.” His hands drop down to wrap around Buck’s. Their fingers intertwine without Buck’s input. “Surprised?”

Buck nods. He recognizes he’s staring, like Tommy is a hallucination that might disappear at any second, but it's been nearly three weeks since he’s seen his boyfriend. He’s just had a shitty weekend in his hometown, playing the part of a dutiful son to strangers, while worrying about his sister and his unborn nibling, and dealing with the casual disregard he’s come to expect from his parents. Only this time, there was a nice heaping tablespoon of biphobia sprinkled on top. He needs a minute.

Maddie lays a hand on both of their elbows. “Good timing Tommy, I was worried we were going to beat you to the exit.”

Buck whips his head around to stare at her. “You knew!”

She giggles again. He spins back to Tommy. He’s flushed from laughter, radiant in the early evening light. Buck’s gaze darts over his face. His blue eyes, his crow’s feet, his perfect teeth. The cleft. He’s beautiful, and he’s here for Buck. 

It feels like his brain finally comes back online. Tommy’s here. For Buck.

Buck lunges forward, driving a little oomph out of Tommy and wrapping his arms around him tightly. He squeezes and lifts, hoisting Tommy a few inches into the air, making him flail and squeak out an undignified noise. Maddie snorts, bending at the waist, helpless with mirth. Tommy’s hands land on his shoulders, fingertips digging into the muscle, little spots of warm pressure. 

“Evan! Put me down, oh my God. I missed you too!”

[potatomountain]

C:IU CH 2

Chapter Two

Masterlist | Previous | Next

Pairing: Poly 0t8 Ateez x fem reader AU: Mafia/detective Genre: 18+ poly romance, action Word Count: 3.5k Summary: "Bigger Steps" Warnings: 18+, mentions of rpe/assault, poor coping skills, mentions of mrder, some suggestive, a lot of recap of book 1 AN: Dividers and banner made by me @potatographics. Usual beta readers tagged in masterlist! No editing done!

Mingi held you for several moments even when you were calm, but you also made no attempt to leave his embrace either. The two of you probably would have continued the embrace if there wasn’t an interruption.

Above you footsteps were heard, and then someone clears their throat. Peering over Mingi’s shoulder you spotted Jongho standing there in a casual outfit of black slacks, leather jacket and an almost sheepish expression on his face. “Sorry to interrupt, Darling, but Yeosang was growing worried.” Ah, of course the techie was watching. Always watching.

“Do you want me to carry you?” Mingi immediately offered just for you to climb off his lap.

Still a bit flustered from Jongho’s newest pet name for you, something he had only called you on a handful of occasions over the last few weeks, you tried to play it off cool. “No- no we can head up.”

The two of them flanked you in silent agreement, staying one step behind that almost made you feel like you were the one in charge. If you were in a better mood you might make a joke about it. Instead you were silent as you took the stairs up to the next floor, stepping into the shared home of the Black Pirates to find the remaining six scattered about.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong were the first two that caught your attention, both talking with Minjae who, as far as ranking goes, was just under the 8 pirates. He was the one giving direct orders to the others in most face to face situations, and if a meeting was to take place, it was usually him that was sent. He had his own pick of men that worked closely with them, as second-hand to the pirates themselves.

It was the outfits of the two mafia head’s that had your attention. Seonghwa was wearing a fashionable jean top with a leather cape draped over the shoulders in the front and dangling in the back. It matched the leather pants, leather gloves and boots. Leather seemed to be a theme, as Hongjoong had some elements himself. Leather jacket over a loose white shirt with some pieces of lace that dangled off with light blue jeans, ripped around the knee. His leather cap was pulled at an angle to hide his eyes with the slightest tilt of his chin down. You could feel the heat of his gaze on you though neither he nor Seonghwa paused in their conversation to acknowledge you, probably because only Hongjoong did notice your presence.

Mingi stepped away which drew your attention back to him, taking note he was now pulling on a black leather vest over the white button up he wore, which Yeosang had just given to him. His hair was red now, the realization striking you with guilt. When did he change it? Why didn’t you know about it?

Are you even someone he would tell about such changes when they’re made? 

The thought made the guilt heavier, which weighed more at the sight of Yunho stepping behind the two as he pulled on a leather trench coat over a black turtleneck. His hair was now a metallic blue, his makeup done and frameless glasses sitting on his nose. The jeans took away from the sheer intimidation of the outfit, just for you to notice metal like claws on his fingertips when he pushed the glasses up.

Wooyoung no longer had blonde in his hair, both his and Seonghwa’s hair was much longer than you remember even, but Wooyoung, Yeosang, and San were more casual outfits lacking the leather.

Something was up, and none of them were addressing you. Not even San and Wooyoung who were in the kitchen looking over some papers and pictures. Even Jongho stepped away to make himself comfortable on the couch.

For some reason… it hurt.

Three months since you had seen most of them, let alone all at once, and none of them were looking at you.

Your concerns over how to face them felt futile now, unfamiliar emotions and doubts weighing in your chest instead. Annoyance bubbling among them. Clearing your throat, you demanded an explanation at least. “Why am I here?”

Now it seemed like too much attention, all nine eyes were on you, a few gazes dipped down briefly, just to avoid you all together. Tension had your back straightening, as if you were standing on the edge of a knife.

���We have a meeting with the Green Vipers tonight. As a Pirate, you need to be a part of this.” Hongjoong’s voice rang out, steady and calm, cutting through the tension that was growing.

Tension that, you realized, was not at all because of you. “Should I change?”

“Yes please before I pop a boner.” Wooyoung blurted out, explaining why he suddenly found the back of Jongho’s head oh so interesting.

“Because that’s what she needs right now, a horny simp.” Jongho drawled out, not even glancing back at him.

The way you flinched unintentionally you know was noticed just from the way the tension felt thicker in the air.

With a sigh, Hongjoong dismissed Minjae before finally turning his full attention your way. “You have two options. Stay here with Yeosang and San and observe the meeting behind a screen, or come with us. I will not have you coming along if you feel like you cannot handle it.”

“I can.”

“No.” Hongjoong stared you down, a harshness to it that poked at your vulnerability. “You can’t.”

“Joong-”

“She needs to hear it, Hwa.” The shorter man cut off the other, taking a step closer and peering at you under the brim. “As your lover- if I can even call myself that right now- I want to give you all the time you need to work through what happened and heal properly. But as your boss, as the head of this organization you willingly joined, I cannot. I know you are aware of it, how badly this is affecting your work. Haru won’t say anything, she’s soft on you because of Wooyoung but she’s expressed concerns.”

His words felt like perfectly aimed blows but no retort could be formed in your mind. He was right. He was so fucking right but it hurt.

Of course he could see that it did, softening as he took a few more steps closer. “Firecracker… you need to stop this. If not for us, for yourself.”

It felt like an intervention, all eyes on you but no one speaking up in your defense. Not even Seonghwa had spoken another word. They all agreed, and you didn’t fault them.

You had been handling it so poorly, but how does someone get over what happened? How do you move on from it? How do you stop seeing it, feeling it?

It had been entirely selfish and reckless of you to agree to join when you knew you were in no position to actually do the job properly. Selfish of you to leave, to distance yourself after agreeing to be theirs- asking to be. Ignoring these emotions, the triggers, and them, like a fucking coward.

“I’m not a coward.” You mumbled it to yourself, but those nearest to you heard.

“No one is saying you are.” Mingi’s deep voice rumbled from your right, reaching up just to halt when you flinched at the sudden intrusion into your space. “Captain is pointing out that this way you have been coping is failing, both you and us, and it’s time to try something different.”

“I-”

“Do you think anyone knows how to recover from that?” Yunho now interrupted, staring you down over Mingi’s shoulder. “Doing it alone isn’t working. You willingly agreed to be a Pirate, to be ours, just to immediately detach yourself. We do things together, Butterfly. Meaning we are here for you to lean on. We want you to.” There were a few hums of agreement that followed

With a deep breath, you met his gaze. Then Mingi’s and finally Hongjoong’s. “Okay. Okay you’re right. I was… avoiding it. All of it. But I still want to be of help, Captain.”

“You can be, just not in the field, at least not for this. Go change, we have a bit before we have to leave and since you won’t be ignoring us anymore there are some things we need to fill you up on.” Hongjoong ordered, sending you away with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Taking it as the order it was, you headed upstairs, immediately searching for the small bin of clothes that was given you when you had first stayed here.

Meanwhile, the tension was still just as thick downstairs.

The moment the door had shut, San was grabbing Hongjoong by the shirt. “What the fuck Captain?”

The man’s expression lacked surprise, a tell he knew San would act this way. “It took the same for you San, don’t act like that.”

“I had more time!”

“You also suffered for three years!” Hongjoong immediately spat out. “And not during crucial points in our operations nor were you as involved as she is. So drop it.”

“Sannie…” Wooyoung gently peeled the man off of him, reaching up and cupping his cheek. “She needs this okay? You know that.” The man’s glare softened, malice gone by the time he met Wooyoung’s gaze. “She’s different from me. And what she went through isn’t any less than what I did. We don’t rank trauma.”

“I know, baby. I know. You want to just stand by her side until she’s ready. I wish we could. You know I do.” He pulled San against him, letting the bigger man melt in his embrace.

Yunho stepped up, rubbing his large hand between San’s shoulder blades as he spoke not just to him, but the others. Seonghwa and Yeosang appeared rather guilty, watching the door to the master bedroom longingly and it wasn’t unnoticed. “But we can’t ignore how it’s hurting us all, and the Pirates, so we have to do something. She’s not going through this alone, she’s one of us now.” He didn’t need to go into details, they all felt your pain. They all were hurt by the way you pushed them aside, ignoring them.

They cared for you, and they knew it was mutual, but this was more than just trying to cope with what happened. You hadn’t been ready, not for this. To be with them, to be a part of this organization. Granted it would have been easier if it was just your trust they had to win over, but now it was much more than that. And during such a crucial time, as Hongjoong pointed out, they couldn’t afford to wait for you.

That was perhaps what hurt the most.

They wanted you here, with them, but they couldn’t wait for you to be ready. Something had to change.

By the time you came back down, wearing someone’s jeans and by the looks of it Mingi’s oversized shirt half tucked in, the others had calmed down. San was still leaning against Wooyoung, both now sitting on the couch holding hands, while Yunho sat next to San with his arm thrown over the back and resting on Wooyoung’s free shoulder. The taller man noticed the way your eyes took them in, tilting his head and meeting your gaze with a challenge there. 

To say something. To challenge him back. To incite the banter the two of you had before it all went to shit.

But you were quiet, taking the open seat by Mingi and Jongho, Seonghwa now standing next to Yeosang while Hongjoong cleared his throat and demanded all attention. “A recap then.”

There were nods and hums in agreement.

“We were honestly just running business normally until your little suggestion, Firecracker.” Hongjoong started, looking right at you. “About pitting two of them against each other. The easiest targets were the Vipers and the wolves but- we might have jumped the gun.”

“We didn’t realize the Vipers would involve San in a turf war.” Wooyoung threw out. “They didn’t, at first, but part of the contract we loosely signed was San was hired muscle, for the fights mostly but they weaseled in a sub-contract of back-up muscle in emergencies. And while we could back out and risk San getting beat nearly to death- we'd lose the connections we made.”

“Wait… you said my suggestion?” 

Hongjoong nodded when he met your curious gaze, but Seonghwa was the one who answered. “When we asked you what you would do, you said you'd get them to take each other out. So we had Yunho and Mingi plant some drugs and evidence that the Vipers had been encroaching on Wolf territory. Both are hot headed enough to punch first and ask questions later.”

You could remember the praise Seonghwa had given you that day, then the way he had left you to defend yourself from San who enjoyed teasing you. Had he immediately gone to talk to Hongjoong about it? Did they really value your ideas to that extent? Hongjoong had asked you about what to do back in the gym before you sucked him off, and later you had found out that the Vipers did get help.

They listened to you. Before you were even part of their organization.

“I… see.” The realization was enough to relax you, a smile tugging on the corner of your lips but you pushed it back. You could express your feelings for that another time, right now was business first. “So the Wolves took the bait and retaliated, the back and forth started.” You asked to confirm, looking at Hongjoong specifically to keep yourself calm.

The leader nodded, crossing his arms over his chest as his weight shifted. “Yes, and the wolves probably would have taken a good deal of the men out. We suspected the Guardians were already working behind the lines to contain the Wolves however, as the damage should have been worse.”

At that your eyes immediately glanced at San, concern pushing your brows together. Did that mean you had gotten a lot closer to losing him than you had thought? That didn’t sit right with you at all, especially when the man avoided your gaze as if he could read your thoughts. You never did find out what injuries he would suffer to be put on bed rest.

“Then there was the kidnapping situation.” The second the words were out of his mouth, the tension grew unbearably thick again, chin tilted down but he was gazing up at you with some concern. You didn’t have to look at the others to know they had similar expressions.

Right, you had been so adamant to avoid those days that you never bothered to ask why, and neither had they. Even now you didn’t want to think about it.

Hongjoong was so right, you couldn’t handle it.

But you wanted to. Fuck did you want. In this moment you needed to be able to handle it, to hear what was being said, the events that lead up to this meeting. You needed to know all the context if you were going to be any help. “So… what was that about?”

Mingi turned his hand palm up and rested it on his thigh, an open invitation for comfort- one you took. This was the first chance to show you could face it, that you wouldn’t keep running away, wouldn’t keep hurting them or hindering them by the way you were handling it. 

“Well- we believe they realized Yunho and Mingi were the ones who planted the evidence. Which, the safe house you had been in was the one they were operating out of at the time. We hadn’t used it again until we brought you there, I think they had been watching it.” Hongjoong said it slowly, eyes searching your face for any signs of panic or triggers.

Ah right, the safe house they were going to interrogate you after you pulled a gun on Hwa and- fuck, you hadn’t thought about that night or unpacked any of it. The way Yunho had looked pinning you down, the gun in his mouth and wild excitement in his eyes-

With a shiver your eyes met his, as if he was thinking the same thing. You hadn’t even begun to scratch at the surface of how that made you feel, the excitement of it all that was so quickly ripped away from you in the following days.

“Their questioning backed up that they had little information, just knew who the safe house belonged to. They didn’t know our ranks, names, didn’t know your connection.” Seonghwa continued softly, a tremble in his voice that shocked you. “We’re sure that they only… did what happened to you because that fucker was sick and twisted and made a guess.” Not even he could put a name, call it what it was.

“So he raped and beat me for three days for fun??” You felt like the wind had been knocked out of your chest, squeezing Mingi’s hand as your throat felt hot from bile wanting to rise.

The slightest of nods from Seonghwa was another punch to your lungs.

Part of you already knew that, you heard what some of the red wolves had said before, the way they treated the Boas on the street. You had to help Handong with a few of the women, but when they looked bad, you ran.

A pathetic habit you developed.

You tried to quell that urge now, shutting your eyes and counting down from ten while focusing on the grounding grip of Mingi’s. It was easier with his hand there, hearing them right by you. Why did you think it was such a good idea to leave?

Fear. Fear made it feel like your only choice.

“Which he paid the price for.” Hongjoong’s tone was dark as he finally spoke, at least waiting until your breathing wasn’t so pained. “They all will. We thought about it after that, especially since we as the Pirates had worked with the Vipers to steal some wolf territory. We’ve been in talks since the bloodshed had died down but there is some serious rivalry between the two now.”

“The Vipers aren’t stupid though. After the casualties and the debt they wracked up for help from us and the Guardians, they can’t function properly anymore. So-” Yunho jumped into the conversation, sharing a look with the two older men before the three stood up. “Tonight we have a meeting with the head’s of the Vipers to discuss a merger of sorts.”

Your eyes went wide, realizing now just how important this was. A merger? Really?

It would increase their territory, double their man power, and with a little investment would double income. It also brought them closer to Red Wolf territory; whether that was a good thing or bad was yet to be determined.

Reluctantly, Jongho and Mingi stood up next to you, leaving you alone on the couch. Only Wooyoung, San and Yeosang stayed where they were. “The meeting is in an hour, we have to head out. Your job tonight is to help Yeosang with monitoring as he’s made sure he has access to the location. You’ll be able to hear what is said, and if anything sounds off to you, we want to hear it.”

“We can go over everything with you Goddess.” Wooyoung reassured you when Yunho looked his way to pick up where he left off. “We wrote down our own demands and goals so you can follow along and all that too.”

With a nod, you didn’t reply further. As the others readied themself, once more debriefing and checking their equipment, you stared down at your lap, processing all this new information. You said goodbye to the five, taking note that half of them were there for intimidation more than anything, but wondered idly how the Vipers would react to the more fashionable outfits of the two leaders, entirely different than what you expect of a crime lords.

But that was part of the reason they had such outfits, wasn’t it? As if they needed to look the part of crime lords, you knew damn well they were capable of getting their point across. At least, you saw with your own eyes what two of them could do, even if you had been too shaken to take notice. There was no need to worry about them, not against the Vipers.

The Red Wolves though?

“Sweetcheeks? Are you ready?” San was kneeling before you, brows furrowed.

“I… one question though, Sannie.”

“Ask away.” You were sure that they weren’t going to just stop with the Vipers, the Pirates had their hands in all the families so… ultimate power over the crime world? Or at least, a majority of it? Meaning each family would have to be dealt with in one way or another.

“The Wolves… they’re going to be destroyed right?”

His eyes widened at the tremble in your voice, only to nod quickly, determination settling on his features. “Every single one of them, baby.”

A sense of relief washed over you, no remorse for the bastards who found it fun to destroy people the way they destroyed you. “Good.”

Taglist in the reblogs

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[nerdygaymormon]

The nation is REALLY anti-trans. It's a big part of what got President Trump elected. Don't you think the gay community would be better off if you cut the T out of LGBT? You're only bringing hardship on yourselves by associating with them.

Let me share something about queer history and gaining legal rights

The Mattachine Society, a gay rights group for men, was founded in 1950. The Daughters of Bilitis, a gay rights group for lesbians, was founded in 1955. They led what was known as the Homophile Movement, which took the approach that if we convince straight society that we're like them and don't pose a threat, then they'll give us legal rights. Members of the two organizations were encouraged to assimilate as much as possible into the prevailing heterosexual culture.

These groups held occasional protests for rights, but the participants had to be well dressed in conservative fashions, a business suit for the men and dresses or blouse & skirt for the women. Their signs had to be approved, and even the lettering on the signs had to adhere to strict standards. Always the emphasis was on showing we're upstanding, decent people, no different from you. This is known as Respectability Politics.

Guess what, politely asking for rights didn't work.

The events of 1969 is what brought change. Instead of politely asking, this was a riot, this was a fight, it was an explosion. People demanded liberation, not assimilation. They wanted to dress how they wanted, they wanted to love who they wanted, they wanted to be who they are. Trans people were there fighting at Stonewall and also in the decades since for queer rights.

The thing about progress is there's always a backlash, and we are currently experiencing this. Barack Obama was elected president, becoming the first non-white man to hold this office, and two women have been the presidential candidate of a major political party. And the backlash has been a decade of Donald Trump. Trans people were gaining legal protections and visibility in popular culture, and this caused a backlash. The thing is, these backlashes are temporary, they delay progress but they won't permanently stop it, they never do.

To quietly abandon the trans community in the hopes that the rest of queer people will be left alone is a false premise. The arguments used against trans people today were used against gay people in the past. The same individuals and groups leading the fight against trans people also are targeting gay people.

While the fight against accepting trans people is strong and has the current momentum, it is fueled by hatred, prejudice, and ignorance. If a group of people can only feel good about themselves when they're standing on top of other people, you already have them beat. They don't make rules & laws to hold down people who are losing, they try to sabotage those who are winning because it is upsetting the social order they were comfortable with and from which they were benefitting. Unfortunately, the longer the backlash continues, the more people are hurt.

Truth is on our side. Trans rights are human rights, meaning they are part of the fundamental rights belonging to every person. We all deserve to live and flourish in society. We should get to learn, work, love, and build our lives at home, at work, and in public settings without fear for our safety and survival. We fight for what is right and move forward regardless. Have hope because we won't lose if we keep moving forward.

We know the fruits of homophobia and transphobia are dead queer kids. We also know that there is no form of protest against homophobia and transphobia that is acceptable to homophobes and transphobes. Rights for gay people won't be preserved by willingly giving up the fight for equal rights for all queer people and by sacrificing an important part of our community. Remember, if we were losing, they wouldn't be so desperate to entrench a system rigged against us.

The promise of the United States is that all are created equal. Over and over, oppressed and marginalized groups have found hope in that promise and fought for the nation to live up to that ideal. Over and over, those who already had the rights and freedoms of this country, fought to keep others from also enjoying them.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, said, "We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed."

Which side do you want to be on? The oppressor, or the oppressed? Because the oppressed are on the side of light and truth and eventually will win. In 20 years, will you want to say you were part of the 13% of queer voters who helped elect Donald Trump in the hopes that if he takes away other people's rights, then maybe he won't come after yours? Or do you want to be able to say that you voted for human rights, and you contacted your representatives to voice your opposition to the actions of the administration, and that you volunteered with groups which help the queer community, and that you were part of the fight against this anti-queer agenda?

[heartpiratedrabbles]

Kids Anger

Prompt: Kid and you have a huge fight, and in anger, Kid tells you to leave

~ Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Kid X Fem Reader X Killer

Killer watched the two of you fight as he often did. He learned early on which fights to step into to become the peacemaker and which ones to stay out of. You were yelling at Kid for going out of his way to fight a Marine ship and while everyone was alive, quite a few people were injured and the boat needed some major repairs. Even you had been shot in the shoulder during the battle amongst other injuries.

        “We won, didn’t we?! Why don’t you shut the fuck up and get off my goddamn back then” Kid was laying it on thick he was towering over you and it had been long since the rest of the crew made themselves scarce from your fight. Killer was in the corner leaning against the wall but you knew better than to try and get him to pick sides.

        “That’s not the point Kid. It was senseless, We got hurt for no reason, Not to mention the damage to Victoria Punk!” You were after all in charge of the crew's finances. A job Kid had given to you when he was too drunk to pay something off and it turned into plundering the entire village. We were never truly low on berries, Kid made sure of that, but you still would like to keep it above a certain threshold. “Nobody died this time but what about next time!?” It was another great concern of yours, Kid had already lost an arm and it took him god knows how long to wake up from that. It’s a sight you’d rather not relive.

        The two of you had been fighting for quite some time on the matter and neither side seemed to be letting up in this argument as both of you shot daggers at each other. “If I decide we attack that’s final. I’m you’re captain it shouldn’t matter what you think.” Kid slammed his fist into the wall right next to you. You tried not to flinch at the sudden and aggressive movement but couldn’t help but let out a little gasp, deciding to stare straight into his chest rather than make eye contact after such a weak display. “You can’t even fight, what do you even do around here to dare think you should even get a say in what I decide?!” Killer perks his head up at the sudden change the argument was taking. “A useless bitch like you should just stay out of the way” Your breath hitches at his word and you hear Killer yell Kid's name.

        You straighten your back, glancing up at your captain, blinking tears to stay away. His glare back at you is menacing and pissed, Your voice turns lower but unwavering, “If that’s how you feel..”

        “Feelings have nothing to do with this, facts are I let an absolute useless person onto this ship” His words dripping with venom that stung more than your shoulder, “If you can’t even listen to your captain's order maybe you should just leave.” It took a second for his words to sink in, waiting for him to retract his statement. But soon enough you whisper a fine under your breath before turning away and leaving the room. You could hear Killer starting his own fight with Kid at this point but it didn’t matter.

        You make your way to the captain's room, it’s where the three of you stayed after all, and start packing anything of yours that could fit into a single bag. You wince a bit as your shoulder starts to bleed from a sudden movement but still refuse to let tears escape. You look in the mirror once more, noticing just how tattered and covered in blood your clothes were, deciding to change into clean clothes one last time before continuing packing. Once the bag is full you head back to the deck and climb down a rope into the debris-ridden water below. You remember seeing a rowboat across the way from the now half sunk marine ship and you intended to use it.

~~~

        “What the fuck Kid” Killer gripped Kid's shoulder and turned him around as he could see y/n escape into the hallway, “What was that all about?” Killer couldn’t believe the words he had just heard from his captain and lover's mouth.

        “She fucken deserved it. What makes her think she can boss me around?” Kid was obviously still pissed beyond belief, huffing with anger in every breathe. He brushes past Killer, “If you need me I’ll be in my workshop.” Killer let out an exasperated sigh before trying to go find y/n on the ship.

~~~

By the time anyone had noticed you were gone, you had already found a row boat and started drifting away in the opposite direction of the ship.

Killer had told the rest of the crew to tell him when they find you but he had only assumed you needed some space after such a heated debate. He didn’t even bother to check the Captain’s Quarters, he doubted you wanted to be in such a place right now, if anything you’d be in a corner hitting the wall or a tight space to breathe and calm down. But as time went on, he grew increasingly more concerned at not hearing or seeing you.

Kid emerged from his workshop a couple of hours after the argument, cooled down a bit, and tired. The sun was long gone as he made his way to his room. In the past, your arguments could get out of hand but Kid could still find you angrily sleeping in his bed next to, or on top of Killer, begrudgingly making room for him. This time on the other, neither you nor killer were in bed, or even in the room for that matter.

He looked around to see your discarded clothes tossed on the ground and he noticed a lot more blood than he’d care to admit, had she been covered in this much when we were fighting? Regardless Kid turned on his heel to search for his two closest crew members.

Soon enough he ran into Hip who was carrying medical supplies, “Oh, Hey Captain. Have you seen y/n? She still hasn’t come to get patched up yet despite promising me she’d come later.” Kid stares at her for a second before she chuckles a bit, “Or did you take care of the wound yourself? How kind. Just remind her to change her bandages.” Kid stood there processing Hips words and she walked away chuckling. She was hurt? Why the fuck did she start a fight before getting treated? Kid started pacing the ship before he ran into an equally worried Killer.

“Kid have you seen y/n?” The taller blonde seemed to be anxious.

“Does it look like I’ve fucken seen her?” Kid snapped at his first mate, “Where the fuck could she have gone?”

~~~

You lay in the boat looking at the sky. The pain in your shoulder growing. You grit your teeth into some clothe as your fingers try to dig the bullet out. After another failed attempt you let out a painful, sorrow filled scream. You had realized a little to late into your little journey that when you were shot, the bullet never made it all the way through.

Truly, it was a great distraction from the events post battle. As you finally breathe in again you let your arm trying to dig the bullet out fall onto the floor of the boat. The adrenaline must have worn off at this point. The pain truly setting in as your mind wanders to what Kid said to you.

Finally, after hours of pretending to be strong. You let it out, you place your now bloodied hand on top of your eyes as the tears overflow.

[bisonaari]

I don't know if it has been done here before because I don't look around, but I have thoughts about the album and I need to share them with someone or I'm gonna go INSANE

Put your tinfoil hats on for my analysis of everything around People's Champion under the cut (probably people have talked about it and I'm just gonna repeat stuff, be warned)

So I've been a bit insane about People's Champion and I've started to think super hard about the order of the songs. I think, in my opinion, that the songs are arranged to tell the story of his life and career from right after UMK 2023 until now.

Ready To Go: This is where we start. Just post UMK, people didn't fully believe in him yet. I remember people saying "oh yeah sweden is sending someone who already won esc, but we're sending… Jere from Vantaa????". Hence the chorus, where people want to see him fail. But he's ready, he knows that he can do it. He's gonna go through and give his EVERYTHING. The mood of the song is really hopeful, with big intense guitar.

Cha Cha Cha: Do I need to explain this one here? I'm still not over this hahaha, I don't think I'll ever be. But this is where events take a turn for him, hence why it's so early in the album, even though it's his biggest song. Because he has so much to say after Cha Cha Cha happened.

Takavoltti: This is where things start to fuck up. He doesn't want to stay on his butt now that he has achieved celebrity and starts to take on so many, many gigs. A lot of us were worried for his health when we saw how much he was performing during summer 2023. But in the song, he says that he only saw opportunities and he just had to continue to take them. It takes a toll on his body. It starts to hurt, but he goes through it. That mad man. Also a couple of times in the song, people ask him to do stuff. Like a little circus monkey. And he just ends up hurting himself.

Ruoska: The bad comments start to really get to him. In the video, Erika and Käärijä are both dressed and perform as aliens. They've completely been striped of their humanity. They're just gimmicks that you can insult anonymously on the internet. Who cares anyway, they chose this life for themselves. It's their own fault. While the previous song was still a bit on the funny side, this one digs straight into the hardships that they feel. There is no more humour, only pain.

Kot Kot: He's still doing too much. While everyone has gone home, he's still drunk on the dancefloor, trying to reach out for friends who were wiser and left. He's being dragged out of there against his will, because he's so stubborn. Pushing through isn't working anymore, and people around him aren't letting him hurt himself anymore.

Skit: An appointment with a therapist. Käärijä is being cut off CONSTANTLY by the therapist, who can't see Jere as a patient. He sees Käärijä, the star. Even when he's trying to seek help, he isn't listened to. Because he's not human anymore for people at that point.

Autiomaa: Käärijä is breaking down. In the video, the therapist from the skit is taking a picture of him during the appointment. The feeling of loneliness and emptiness is around him all the time, omnipresent, eating him alive. He just wants someone to see him as a person, to listen to him, to help him with the void.

Sex=Money: At that point, you know, might as well. You're not human anymore, who cares. Why not try to get some money selling your ass. Who's gonna care anyway, sex sells and that's what people want to see, right? He made so much money on onlyfans, the press is acting shocked that he would even do that. The song is back to a bit light-hearted. My interpretation would be that he just finds the situation ridiculous, and that's why we're getting humour back in the lyrics!

Bananas: I'm not sure how this one fits in my theory, but we're SO back for humour. Kääriä is getting better. I think that in this one he found resolve to just continue going on. He's annoyed because people still only see him as an object, but he has to go through and live his life. Show must go on.

Huhhuhhei: Quite interesting to put a love song in this timeline in the story. But I think it's because he wants to live in the present, and not in anxieties from the past and the fear of the future. He doesn't know if the person sharing his bed is still gonna be there in the morning, but whatever, it's not important. Tonight, they're his and that's what matters. Thinking of tomorrow isn't gonna bring anything good.

It's Crazy It's Party: He's still stuck in the parties, they're around him all the time. He's still doing a million gigs in Finland and in europe. And just as the song is quite close to Cha Cha Cha, he's back at the beginning, the situation hasn't changed much. But this time, by the end, he goes to the party again, by his own will. And this time, he has people around to party with him.

People's Champion: We're back babes. This song is a love letter to people who love him. This is a great wrap around for this album. He's just remembering how everything went, from the start, until this point. Going through every point and emotion we've been through with him during the album. But in the end, he IS people's champion. He did it. He made it. And even with all the hardships, he's with us, when our hearts all sing together. The last line of this album that isn't a chorus is "Thank you everybody, I love you".

What a journey

So something that you have noticed that I've talked a lot is how people don't recognize Käärijä's humanity. He has been made into a kind of creature of gimmicks. You can ask him everything, you can say everything to his face. Whatever, he's a celebrity, not a person.

And this is where that cover is a GENIUS move.

On the cover, there are NO gimmicks. No bolero, no bowl cut, no bare chest with a tattoo. Just his face. You HAVE to watch his face, there is nothing else to see. You have to watch his emotion being raw, he's crying. This is not a pleasant cover to see. And I know, I've had spotify open on his face all day friday while I was working, it felt awful. But it makes you do something.

You have to acknowledge his humanity. And there's no way around it.

I love Käärijä

[twig-tea]

GL odds and ends 29 December 2024

The end of the year kicked my ass, but I wanted to get one last one of these out for 2024! The last one before this was 10 November. If you're interested in GL older than that, check out my GL rec list through Feb 2024 and my #gl recs tag for the other odds and ends posts. New series marked with an asterisk*.

Currently airing (with thoughts up to 29 Dec):

The Fragrance You inherit 5/8 (Japanese, Friday/Saturday-ish, no official distribution but fansub on @isaksbestpillow's blog [thank you Siiri!] I have been really enjoying this show and have been writing when I have time (last post was for ep4). At its core this is a gentle show about kind people who love each other doing their best, which is always my favourite thing. Subs are on pause for the moment so you have time to catch up before the finale!

Pluto ep 11/12 (Thai, Saturdays 9:30 AM ET, YouTube) This plot continues to be absolutely wild. There's a lot of discourse around Oom this week, to which I'll just say: Setting a test to see if the people you love will hurt themselves in order to make you feel better is not loving or healthy behaviour, even if your motivations are understandable and sympathetic. Namtan is doing a great job making these twins feel like different people, and she and Film are still gorgeous together. And I have no idea what's up with the messy lesbian sides, but I'm on the side of all of them need a time out! I've been pretty dialed out of this show because it's not my thing, so I'm not that invested in any of the relationships going into the finale, but it's been a wild ride and it seems to be holding together for those who enjoy the high drama of this plot.

*Petrichor ep 5/10 (Thai, Saturdays, 10:00 AM ET, iQIYI) The procedural aspects of this show are unfortunately not well executed, but Engfa and Charlotte have fantastic chemistry. I'm also really loving seeing Na and Max again even though I am very worried about getting too attached to their characters. It's always hard for me when a show is about a police officer trying to do good work in a corrupt system because the only takeaway I can accept is that that is not possible lol but I'm enjoying seeing these two on my screen every week (except this week, because we sadly did not get a new episode today).

*Mate, 6/12 (Thai, Tuesdays, WeTV (uncut version)) This one is hard to describe. It seems to be trying to do for trauma in a GL what Love in the Air and Bed Friend did in BL--show a realistic depiction of trauma in one of their characters and have them fall in love, and be taken care of and healed that way. But that also makes it extremely hard to watch. The trauma flashbacks and trauma responses is rough. The main character is not very likeable but that's kinda the point, I'm not minding that part of it so much. There are a lot of things I like about this show, so I don't want to discourage views. Just go into this one informed, and make the decision that's right for you.

*INTP 1/? (Korean, Fridays (?), YouTube) This is the latest short series from RedQ, who produced some of my favourite GL short series including More than or equal to 75 degrees C, and To the Ex who Hated Me. No info on how long it will be or if it will be weekly, so that Fridays release schedule is a total guess. The setup of this one reminded me of Semantic Error if SangWoo realized he was attracted to JaeYoung at their first group assignment meeting.

Recently Completed:

Apple My Love 6.5 50-min eps (Thai, Oct 12-Nov 16, GagaOOLala and YouTube) I ended up feeling like this one bit off a bit more than it could chew, as much fun as I had with it, it was a wobbly landing. I was ok with the ending at the end but I spent a lot of time watching the finale uncertain about how I felt about all of it. There's a 30 min "episode 5.1" that is an important bridge between episodes 5 and 6 (and also includes a 10-min fingering scene, thank you show) that I think resulted from either poor pacing or realizing they needed to set up the episode better? It was odd but something to make sure not to skip. The show does a lot of what I love about Kongthup's latest BLs: it avoids the worst drama pitfalls and calls them out in the show itself when it uses them, and it is largely about being kind to its characters who are figuring themselves out. Warning for extremely hard to watch secondhand embarrassment in the first couple of episodes lol Kris is such a cringefail lesbian I love her. With the caveats above, if you don't mind secondhand embarrassment and want a comedy GL and are willing to be a little patient with the ending, give this one a try!

The Loyal Pin 16 65-min eps (Thai, Aug 4-Dec 1, YouTube) Anin was the bravest right through to the end. I really liked a lot of this show, but I found the pacing a bit uneven and the finale a little rough. It's hard, because I actually am happy with the way the show ended--it makes perfect sense and was where I was hoping they would get to the entire show. What I didn't like was how we got there. It seemed wild that Pin and Anin didn't at least talk about this possibility before we got there; and didn't feel like we ever resolved the disparity between the two leads, though the show was aware of it the whole time which I did like. And you may have seen the shouting about the prank in the finale, it was in really poor taste. In the end, this show was beautiful, gave a platform for promoting Thai culture (food, clothing, history), and had excellent intimacy. I really enjoyed the slow burn between Anin and Pin, and I loved that every character had and used the agency they had, but that the show was realistic about what was in and outside of their control. If you want a slow-burn and high-heat romance and are willing to be a little frustrated for the sake of the drama, and/or you really like a pigtail-pulling romantic dynamic, you should watch this show.

Red Whisper 8 10-min eps (Korea, Oct 2-Nov 11, YouTube) Honestly this show never got better after what I wrote about it a month ago about how its portrayal of bisexuality and nonmonogamy was upsetting. For the record one last time: Not all bisexuals are nonmonogamous, and entering a monogamous relationship under false pretenses and then acting like your partner is being unreasonable by not wanting an open relationship is shitty behaviour. This one is sadly not recommended.

The Nipple Talk 10 30-min eps (Taiwanese, Nov 8-22, GagaOOLala) I highly recommended the first half, and so I am so sad to say that I can't say the same for the second half of the show. I was really enjoying how much the show seemed to support a mix of monogamy and nonmonogamy, but the second half of the show leaned heavily into 'everyone wants a monogamous relationship when they meet the right person', which disappointed me. The show also tried to introduce some themes that felt very dated in terms of how they handled them (e.g. HIV) and I ended up just not really liking the Pony character as a person by the end. The lesbian relationship was super messy in a way that I did not find fun too. Mama was the best part of this show, and I hope we get more characters like them in future (better) shows!

*Soul Sisters 24 12-min eps (Chinese, iQIYI) This entire show dropped this week so I binged it in one go. The basic setup is a GL version of Meet You At the Blossom, except the gender fuckery lasts for most of the series and they don't actually ever get to kiss. I loved this little show; it is a frenetic, very silly and censored comedy, so calibrate your expectations accordingly. But it walks the line in a way that is palatable (or was for me, anyway). Without giving too much away, it is an open happy ending. The caveats for this one are that there is no wasted tape, so the pacing is rollercoaster fast, and the cuts are sometimes jarring. But it's a surprisingly beautiful show for the budget, and I really appreciated all of the ways they came up with to give these women shippy moments. Also, good lord this main character is so competent, which is a major weakness of mine. I had a great time!

*Whisper Me a Love Song 12 25-min eps (Japanese anime, Apr-27 Dec, HiDive) This started airing in April but there was a delay and the last episode didn't air until yesterday. High school lesbians in a band having embarrassing confused and misunderstood feelings all over the place (with good endings including a kiss for at least one of our couples). I appreciate that this anime is not playing with the 'are they friends who joke about wanting to touch each other's boobs or are they more' line, they outright say they want to be more than friends and then kiss. The music is good too! Recommended if you are feeling like a high school dramedy with good tunes that stays pretty light and is in the 'bubble'.

Recent One-offs, Side Couples, etc.:

My Hot Butch Roommate (actually a 2-parter) aired on bilibili 1, 2) and was subtitled by @douqi7s on YouTube (1, 2) These two are very cute, and this little short does a ton with the very tiny 5 minutes of total runtime it uses. Give the original bilibili uploads a stream so they get views, even if you watch the YT subbed version!

Fufuknows put out a new lesbian short titled The Choices of Two Lesbian Couples in Love on YouTube This was a great short (11 min) film featuring the story of two couples at different stages in their relationship, and the different choices they make about their futures. I really enjoy Fufuknows as queer short filmmakers, and I appreciate that they regularly include lesbian and wlw content in their bi-weekly (as in, every other week) fictional shorts that they produce and release. This one is recommended!

Aim's Lesbian plotline in the new Love Sick 2024 remake concluded (this was not a plotline in the 2014 version and it's one of the changes I really like and that I think works really well) Spoiler: she doesn't get a romance happy ending but her story ends with acceptance from her friends about who she is, which was lovely to watch

There was a brief of-the-week lesbian couple who wanted to marry in Spare Me Your Mercy Spoiler: their story is tragic, which is par for the course in a murder mystery

I am suspecting wlw sides in See Your Love I may end up eating these words but I was getting vibes, and so I'm putting this out in the universe now in hopes I'm right lol

There is a new Korean shorts production company on YouTube called Lovememory (Their first BL ep is out and the GL, First Love, has a trailer)

Mom Ped Sawan started airing but I don't have a source so I can't give any info or links unfortunately. If anyone knows of a subtitled source for this show, please let me know!

My Ex's Wedding came out in Thai theatres waiting for an international source for this too

Korean short film What's In my Bag was uploaded to Matchbox I haven't seen it yet but the trailer is on YouTube if anyone is curious! The film is available now for a small fee on Vimeo (runtime 12 mins).

Sastra film app YouTube channel has several short Cambodian GL series that come out weekly Honestly they are not to my taste but I don't like gatekeeping GL especially from smaller markets. I check in on these time to time and if there are any that I think are great I'll give them a shout-out

Ditto above with JPC media YouTube channel for Thai GL shorts if there are any that stand out to me I'll say so; that being said I haven't had time recently so if I've missed anything good let me know!

Starting soon:

Us the series, Thai, 18 January 2025, most likely YouTube (as this is a GMMTV show) Caveat that this date is a rumour, see comments

Fragrance of the First Flower s2, Taiwanese, 18 February 2025, GagaOOLala ok this isn't that soon but I'm just so excited we're getting this second season after all!

It is so, so nice that we have this much GL to keep track of, I can't complain! This covers a whole month of content and it was a month I was very distracted from my QL consumption so while I always welcome anyone pointing out stuff I missed, I would particularly appreciate it this round.

[elysiansparadise]

Heyyo !! Hope you're doing well. I have a question if are going continue your planets in houses series for 8th House moon

Hello! I’m doing just fine, I hope you too. Of course I will continue, until I’ve covered each placement. 🤎 

Moon in the 8th house

They are people of complex nature, since many of them tend to be very cautious when it comes to opening up to new people, they do not trust their hearts so easily in others and they can even show themselves as very self-sufficient in the emotional field, however, these natives internally desire a deep degree of emotional intimacy, even bordering on emotional. They prefer intense, meaningful ties that really contribute something to their lives rather than something superficial and vain. This is usually something difficult for them because it is difficult for them to open up and want to meet new people. This is due more than anything to a fear of appearing vulnerable, manipulable and, mostly, due to bad experiences with previous relationships. It’s likely that the relationship with the family, mother or a specific member was tense and taught them to always be alert for any sign of lying or betrayal. They detect people who show false emotions or who lie, as they stand out for being observant. They may prefer to make decisions based on their mind rather than their heart, and it is likely that at some point in their life they ignored their emotional needs, both other people and themselves. They fear that they will feel a lot and get hurt or that the other person will not give themselves in that devoted and passionate way with which they do it.

For them it is crucial to give their all when it comes to something important or meaningful to them, they do not give themselves halfway. They find it difficult to be expressive, but once they are comfortable enough they are very constant with their demonstrations of affection or appreciation. They have this ability to feel the emotions of others and tend to accurately deduce the emotional triggers and needs of others. They have a genuine curiosity to know the core of those who matter to them, they will want to know every part of your mind, your history and everything that your heart is silent about, this in order to understand you better. In the sexual field, they need a certain emotional closeness or feeling in love to fully enjoy. A pretty face is not enough for them and they tend to be very attracted to complex, interesting and understanding personalities. They give themselves completely, body and soul, and there is nothing they like more than feeling that their partner does the same. Aftercare is crucial and necessary.

They know how to be alone and highly value their time with themselves, they are introspective with their emotions and they like to get to the root of things. A lie can be something unforgivable for many of them and they will always prefer a very honest truth over a white or sugar-coated lie. Their intuition is very strong and they may feel an attraction or even have a knack for things like tarot, astrology or similar things. They read you like a book, but you can hardly do the same with them. They have a deep connection with their unconscious. It is likely that since they were children they have had very intense spiritual experiences and that the mystical world seems truly fascinating to them. They have one goal [among their many goals] to become the adult they felt they needed when they were children, since it is likely that their inner child carries a feeling of fear and insecurity. They are people who behind their strong and empowered personality is someone sensitive and compassionate. People often see them as a very strong pillar in which to fully trust, and it is likely that only the natives themselves are aware of their emotional intensity, as others describe them as calm and collected most of the time.

-> Go back to the masterlist

[the-sapphire-cat]

When people make Kydron AU posts (atleast the ones I’ve seen) they mostly focuse on Kydron himself, his dynamic with Quaddron and sometimes Brink, that’s great I love to see that. But! and this is a big but, may I shine a spotlight on the interns for a bit please?

How would they process everything that happened?

Imagine with me.

Mudd lying awake at night wondering what could have been, imagining ways he could have saved his friend each one more unrealistic than the last. What happens was a tragedy and there was nothing he could have done, but the survivors guilt takes over. (Essentially considering it was Mudd who dragged Kyborg to the library with him in the first place)

Gumgum and Bart who were absent also beating themselves up thinking if only they had gone with them, their was no way they could have known and it’s not like they never split the party before on missions but much like with Mudd it’s just them wondering about the what ifs and feeling a lot of undeserved guilt.

Mudd returning to the others without Kyborg still in shock and denial while the other two rush to him asking what happened. Mudd can barely hear their questions, his ears still ringing from the explosion but he doesn’t have to say anything the look on his face tells them all they need to know.

Mudd trying to keep calm for everyone’s sake but his mask keeps slipping (or alternatively he acts too calm and unintentionally gives off the impression that he doesn’t care that he watched his friend die and get dragged away by a robotic monster), the others reassure him it wasn’t his fault and that dispite everything they’re happy that Mudd is ok but the comfort falls on deaf ears he doesn’t want to talk about it because he knows he can’t talk about it without risking his oppressed emotions spilling out, Bart trying to keep everyone together and in high spirits, but even he can’t talk this issue away or make light of this situation, Gumgum barely able to hold himself together or process what’s happened offering hugs and simple words of encouragement trying in vain to make the others feel better.

Not to mention when they finally encounter Kyborg Kydron afterwards, their eyes alight with hope for the first time in who knows how long, he’s alive! But it doesn’t last this isn’t the friend they once loved this is just a hollow shell kept together with wires and steel, no heart or soul. Quaddron ended and ruined the lives of countless innocents, he took away their friend and now he continues to taunt them even now by defiling their friends remains and using him as a weapon.

Even worse if you consider the possibility that Kyborg didn’t die, somewhere inside that dron is the still living soul of their friend but the programming of his knew body overrides the memory’s of his damaged mind. These people he was sent to kill look at him recognition and longing and somewhere within him he feels the same way and he hates them for it, these people are his enemies he was ordered by his master to destroy them, why dose it hurt when they look at him with fear? Why does he feel hesitation when they beg him to stop fighting them? Why does he feel thrilled and relieved when they finally defend themselves against his attacks? Why is he unable to deal the finishing blow when he has them cornered and on the brink of death? He shouldn’t feel, he can’t feel, so why does it hurt so badly?

The infinight interns managing to restrain him and take him back home, trying to jog his memory and find away to break whatever hold Quaddron has over him, but they aren’t engineers they don’t know how to fix this the best they can do is talk to him and keep him locked away until they can find away to free him.

Dr Ahem being forced to confront what has happened, having to try and find away to fix this because he’s the one who knows the most about robotics. Working away in his labs trying to find a solution while being forced to look at Kydron and be consumed by guilt because as far as Dr Ahem is considered he did this. What if he was a better brother? What if things never went wrong? What if he never built those arms for Quardon? What if he saw the signs sooner that Quadron couldn’t let go and still lusted for vengeance? What if he was able to talk him down before things got out of hand? Considering every possible what if and questioning where things could have gone wrong and how it could have been prevented. He loved his brother with all he had but it was never enough, it was never going to be enough and because of that Dr Ahem must face the man that sits retrained in his lab working tirelessly to find even a shred of life behind those cold glass eyes. Knowing that this boy lost everything because of Quadron, his home, his family, his arm, his freedom, his life, Kydelius lost everything because of him.

Sorry for the ramble I just love this AU and wished people talked about how this situation would affect the other party members more.

[thecosmicangel]

Love Reading - Pick-a-Picture Edition ❣️💌✨

1. 📷

You may see this person as someone who you could have something very passionate with. You find this person extremely attractive and mature but you may feel like they have player or flirt energy and don’t know if they are taking you seriously. They may come off as very confident and self centered or selfish. You could simply be very confident in this relationship or it may feel one sided at times as you too may be very selfish.You at times may feel detached and overwhelmed with this connection and may feel like running away because it gets too deep or it triggers unhealed traumas you may have not been aware of. You may at times feel like moving on from this person or giving each other some time apart. You ultimately see this person as a long term partner and someone you could build a happy home with. Probable marriage material, filled with happiness, love, celebration and abundance. You feel like this person fits right in with your family and will give them the chance to continue growing your connection. Now the other person sees you or the relationship as emotionally fulfilling, they are ready to invest their time and energy on this connection. They feel like they could be vulnerable and emotionally open with you. You may bring out a certain side of them emotionally. They may also be scared to open up to you due to past relationships or heartbreak so they could be breadcrumbing you because they don’t want to show you how deeply they feel for you yet. For some this person feels like you are helping them heal wounds from the past.They plan on making you happy because you make them happy. For a few I'm getting that this may be someone from your past coming back after they ghosted you and are ready to offer you a real commitment. They realize how much you mean to them and regret treating you a certain way which hurts your feelings.  I see that this relationship or connection will need teamwork if you two want to make it work. You must work individually and as a team in order to see positive movement, even when roadblocks appear you will need to learn and communicate to solve problems together. The advice is for both of you to keep grounded and take things slow and steady instead of rushing into something. Overall the energy seems happy, emotional and full of celebration. 

💌“ I want to be more than friends” 

💌“ I wish i had treated you better” 

💌“I left you before you could leave me”  

💌“Past is in the past don’t look back” 

💌“Planning for the future” 

💌“Travel is good for the soul” 

💌Past is in the past don’t look back 

💌Planning for the future -travel 

💌I want to be more than friends 

💌I left you before you could leave me 

💌I wish i had treated you better

2.📷

Someone has recently had a dream, vision or breakthrough about how they feel for you.They are falling hard for you, but they also feel deceptive or may be hiding something from you or from themselves. They aren’t acknowledging something. This person could visualize you two being together and what life could be with you. This person could be very artistic or imaginative. This person sees you as the ideal person who they will be happy with. They see you as an opportunity for wish fulfillment. You are their wish to come true. This looks like a new opportunity at love, you or the person could feel trapped or lost. This person could be a friend or in your group of friends and you may not be aware of their feelings for you but it is worth giving them the chance if they confess to you their feelings. Another thing I'm picking up on is that this person friendzoned you in the past but now is realizing they have actual feelings for you. This person could be sending you messages through music, or they think of you when they listen to music. 

💌“ I want to be more than friends.” 

💌“You don’t know how hard it was to let you go”

💌“I lost myself for a little while” 

💌“Finding the truth crushed me” 

💌Hidden desires/ hidden intentions 

💌“Social media got me in trouble”

💌“You speak to me through music” 

3.📷

You may feel like this connection or relationship is breaking or not stable so you feel defensive and feel like you need to guard yourself. You may be scared of heartbreak, you feel like the other person is hiding stuff from you and you just want them to be honest with you. You want balance to be restored in this relationship, feeling like something is unfair or unjust. You may be overthinking multiple scenarios or expecting many possibilities of what could go wrong or right with this person. Your emotions may be all over the place. Your person sees you as a potential partner and they have some feelings for you but they are currently going through some mental conflict and can’t decide what they want with you. You or them or both could be going through a transformation or about to go through a transformation. In general I see the connection going through a transformation, whatever has caused a block or conflict in this relationship has caused both of you to go through a transformation. The structure or foundation of this relationship is being transformed, it’s like you guys are starting new or having a different approach to how you go into the relationship. I see the other person is having mental conflict or blockages because they don’t know if they are ready for a relationship or may be indecisive as to follow the logic or their emotions. They want to make the right decision for themselves, I kind of feel like they are being selfish and only thinking about what will benefit them most. They want to be successful and may be too focused on their career and finances. Some of them are deciding between money, material things or love. I see them going with the flow and just letting time give them an answer, they want to break certain cycles they have continued in the past. I feel like they are defensive or trying to hold on to something or a certain cycle. They may be someone who would always block or remove themselves from others when things got hard or they became overwhelmed. This time around I feel like they actually found something real with you, so that is why it’s not so easy to run away. If there is a breakup or separation some of you could rekindle the relationship with them, but you are being asked to take things slow. A need to nurture yourself or spend some time in nature. Going through an awakening or healing moment. You both have triggered certain traumas that need shadow work & healing. Balance will be restored whether you work things out or not, you will find healing and balance. 

💌“I want you”

💌“I wish things could be different”

💌“I remember every detail of that day”

💌“I lost myself for a while” 

💌Devotion , hopelessly devoted to you 

💌Stuck at a crossroad- major intersection

💌Reciprocity - adjustments are being made 

💌Reminiscing on past precious moments 

💌Guilt for past actions & behaviors

4.📷

You feel that you have done inner healing and this person is here because you did the work. You see this person as strong and nurturing, they protect and make you feel safe. They are a safe space for you. You can show them the best and worst parts of you and they still embrace you and make you feel loveable. You are willing to open up more to this person, and you may also want this person to open up more. You have strong passionate feelings for them and want them to express their passion for you, but they may be holding back their true feelings. They feel like they need to guard their true feelings for you because they are scared of being vulnerable. They may also feel like they can’t put all their focus and attention on you just yet because they are fighting inner battles or trying to get other things in order before they can commit fully to you. They want a reconciliation with you after having an awakening or becoming aware of what they feel for you. They want to rekindle the connection because they feel like they haven’t been true to themselves or to you. They might have been standoffish towards you because they have other issues or conflict going on. They feel like you are their wish fulfillment and want something long lasting with you because you make them feel like no other has before. There seems to be a completion of a cycle but also a new beginning or opportunity at love for this pile. Maybe this person and you took a break or stopped communicating but things will pick back up. You may be receiving a message from them soon or communication will improve. For a few I'm picking up that you are in their mind  a lot but they try to ignore you. They are fighting themselves or are hiding from their true feelings because they feel they are not ready to express them towards you. 

💌“ I am becoming a better person” 

💌“ I wish things could be different”

💌“ You and I were too young” 

💌“ You were the best thing in my life” 

💌“My life is not as together as it seems” 

💌Lurking in the shadows 

💌Reconciliation is coming 

💌Still working on it 

💌Fairy tales fo exists

Take what resonates and leave what doesn't!!

Pictures used do not belong to me, they were found on Pinterest

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💰paypal: @cosmicangel777

[sickskz]

hear me out i just thought: instead of the usual hc, can you do your headcanons for skz as caretakers??

This is such a cute idea! I tried my best, some new ideas popped into my head, and voilà! 🕺🏽

Hope you like it 🤣

SKZ Caretaker hcs:

Bang Chan:

- #1 caretaker, best leader, best dad. Someone get him a shirt with that print already.

- Will actually drop everything in his hands when one of his kids is unwell, they’re always his top priority.

- He would never, ever leave a sickies side when they need him. He will stay as long as they need him to, even if it risks his own well being.

- He can become quite protective. Some find it intimidating, the other members find it strangely comforting. Most of the time, at least..

-You hurt his kids in any way? Count your days, bro…

- Being a caretaker is literally so intuitive to him. Again #1.

- Lots of shoulder squeezes, back rubs, thigh squeezes, hugs and little kisses. All the comfort he can provide, he will give.

- The thought that maybe he shouldn’t be too close to a sick member (to not get sick himself) might cross his mind, but the second he sees any of them needing him, he’s forgotten all about it.

- If someone is feeling a little under the weather and they still have to continue working, he makes it his own personal mission to shield them as much as he can. Taking over for them during singing/talking or shielding them with his own body so they can take a breather. His hand might brush against the sickies gently and/or he'll give them a knowing look to ask 'are you doing okay?'- just small things to check in every once ina while.

Lee Know:

- Tends to be a little (o-o) :O at first, but he gets the hang of it after a while. Just give him a moment to adjust lol.

- Good at ordering things around to cater for the sickie. “Fuck the schedule, if I’m saying you’re going to bed, you’re going to bed.”

- Tucks their hair behind their ear, trails patterns into their back or shoulders with his fingers, scratches the hair at the back of their neck. He pets them, more or less, like he would his cats.

- When Chan gets sick, Lee Know always steps tf up. He is one of the only ones stern enough to order their leader to bed when he’s being stubbornly dismissive of his health.

- He might be very deeply worried, but shows his concern more in a chiding type of way. Half-heartedly scolding sickie for ‘being reckless’ or ‘not taking care of themselves properly’, etc... But every slightly snarky comment is filled with nothing but love and care. The other members know that.

- Checks in every other minute if someone’s feeling unwell, both with silent gestures and verbally, usually very blunt and straight to the point. “Still alive?” “Worse? better?"

- Shows his love through cooking whatever the sickie may feel like eating, or making something wholesome and light if they have no appetite at all.

- When the sickie does have a poor appetite, he’ll browse the internet for ideas to make the food more appealing. The Google search “how to make food appetising for children” has become a go-to.

- ^ has brought out small snack plates with cute things such as fruits cut into small flowers/hearts, smiley faces on plain pieces of toast, rice shaped like animals, etc. it’s such a nice gesture, and even though it might not be the most aesthetically pleasing most of the time, the effort behind it means the world.

Changbin:

- Offers himself as a human pillow with no hesitation.

- If he sees a sickie coming into the room, blanket trailing after them and face pale, he just stretches out his arms and welcomes them right in <3

- He works as a human heater a lot of the time as well, so Felix especially seeks him out when he’s sick- almost like a moth to a flame.

- Somehow just knows wheter the sickie would rather him be quiet or not, and adjusts accordingly. He always makes sure they know he’s there though. Whether it’s by keeping a hand steady around them, against their back, etc.

- When someone’s sick, the usually quite loud Changbin quickly turns into the ever so soft spoken Binnie <3

- Uses his physical strength for what it’s worth, effortlessly supporting the sickie or carrying them if needed (*cough*Seungmin*cough* Felix...) “This is what I’ve trained for.” he’ll say with a wink, only half-joking.

- Piggyback rides from Binnie are the best and he has no problem giving them out. They’ve joked about the fact that he should be charging for them. That especially came up after he had to carry Yeonjun of TXT once after he got himself injured/sick in some way. The Changbin Taxi was the best solution at hand.

Hyunjin:

- Very perceptive and often takes note of someone feeling unwell before anyone else does. “Something’s off with you.." followed by him not-so-discreetly narrowing his eyes at the sickie for the next hour or so with a scrutinising look on his fac.

- He quickly gets worried whenever he senses something is off and tries to check in with the sickie, always gauging their expression and body language closely.

- Can sometimes have a tendency to sound a little snappy/rude, but it’s just him worrying and the members know he doesn’t mean to come off that way. “What’s up with you?” “Stop lying”

- Whenever he realises he’s been a little harsh in any way, his expression immediately fills with remorse, eyes turning impossible soft- like a kicked puppy. He feels so, so guilty and tries to make up for it in any way he can.

- He always speaks low and soothingly when someone’s sick, particularly mindful of his volume - and everyone else’s as well. Cue a lot of irritated looks, fierce glares and ‘shush’s.

- Usually likes to stay with the sickie regardless of what they’re doing, sleeping or awake.

- He’ll just sit beside them or in the same room, doing quiet activities on his own while keeping an eye on them.

- Now, he would probably wage a war for Jeongin (they all would, honestly, but still..). He just turns into such a mother hen when it comes down to their maknae.

Han:

- Tries to speak in a very hushed voice, so much so that he sometimes forgets he has to be loud enough for the sickie to actually hear him...

- Big doe eyes flooded with worry. He’s so concerned, and oh boy, it’s written all over his face.

- A lot of “what can I do for you?” And “awh, come here you.” “No,no! please don’t cry- shit, I'm gonna cry too :("

- He was consoling a sickie once and accidentally called them booby (likely mixing boo and baby).. Safe to say, they got a much needed laugh out of it.

- Offers to play some guitar or puts on slow, comforting playlists to soothe/distract the sickie whenever they’re feeling yucky.

- “You can stay with me in my room if you want?” Literally mi casa es su casa. His door will always be open if they need him.

- Definitely finds it a little hard to keep calm and collected whenever something bad happens, the worry tends to spin itself out of proportion inside his head.

- Now, he easily forgets a lot of things tend to be ✨contagious✨ and then gets so surprised, appalled even, when he gets sick too…

- Imagine this. He spends way too much time tucking a sickie in under their blankets, suddenly extremely detailed oriented. He flattens out any creases, eyebrows drawn and tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth in concentration.

Once satisfied, he nods curtly and places his hands on his hips in a proud stance. “There”. Theeeen the sickie needs the bathroom or something else makes them need to get out of the blankets, and he can’t help but feel his efforts were in vain.. (Watch him repeat it all over again though…)🤣😭

Felix:

- Very hands on, physical contact and comfort is something he’s undeniably good at.

- He’s such a blessing to have around when someone’s feeling bad, very attentive and will do anything in his power to make the sickie feel better.

- Offers to do their hair, help them clean up, take their medicine, bring them some soup, tea, etc.

- Also offers to give them massages if that’s something the sickie would like. If they’re too sick to speak, he gives them careful massages whenever he deems it appropriate.

- And of course, he gives out all the cuddles he can muster. So full of love to give he’s almost bursting at the seams.

- Totally brings out any and every sweet pet name he can use as well… They all love it, actually, but some of them certainly won’t show it openly.

- One of the older members once called him ‘mom’ when they were battling a really high fever. Felix just thought it was insanely endearing. When they apologised for it later, he just brushed them off with a “Nono, I’ll take the compliment. It’s an honour.” And a very pleased grin.

- Want to play video games? Watch a movie? Cuddle? Felix got their back, always happy to join in on whatever activity the sickie might want.

- He couldn’t give less fucks about getting sick himself. He’ll take it.

- “Felix, he just threw up, you really shouldn’t be all up in his face”

But Felix just kisses the sickies cheek lovingly, pulling them against himself and nuzzling into their hair. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t care”

Seungmin:

- No one does quiet comfort quite as well as him. He doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence with necessary words, just him being there is enough a lot of the time.

- He’s the type of guy that can sit for hours just holding the sickie against his chest or hold their hand, their hair, whatever they may need from him in the moment.. </3

- His ability to stay calm and collected makes him a safe space for many of the members when they feel bad. He’s aware of this, they’ve told him many times, but he still doesn’t seem to understand why.

- When verbal comfort is needed, he always pushes himself to provide it. The words may not come as naturally to him as it does to (for example) Chan or Felix, but they’re more than good enough.

- He sometimes surprises even himself with how soft he becomes in certain situations. One minute, he’s his usual teasing and sarcastic self, the next he’s the most patient, steady caretaker anyone could have asked for.

- Goes to the store/pharmacy and comes back with multiple bags filled to the brim with all kinds of snacks, medication and ‘home remedies’ he found through persistent googling.

- Hands over medicine with a deadpan: “I got drugs. Take them.”

Jeongin (I.N):

- He tends to be a little awkward at first, lost on what to do, but his instincts often kick in and helps him out.

- He tries to plan things out to cater to the sickie, always aiming to be prepared. As we all know though, sickness is unpredictable, which messes with his sense of order. “Okay, okay, yeah, never mind, let’s get you to the bathroom-“

- Starts reading the instruction sheet for some medication, but throws it away after two sentences. “How much do you feel like you need?”

- Also really good at offering silent support, and pushes past his own comfort zone to give the sickie the physical comfort they may need.

- He excels when it comes to small acts of service though. Wordlessly fills up hot water bottles, gets a fresh bottle of water to sip on if the previous one has warmed up, dims the light, etc- all without needing to be asked. He won’t make a big show of it, but he’ll always be there, making sure they have everything they need.

- One time Hyunjin was sick, he decided to pick some flowers and place them in a small glass on his nightstand. When Hyunjin cried, Jeongin panicked for a moment. Until he realised it was tears of appreciation, and he bashfully accepted the feverish hug <3

- He has the softest of soft spots for Felix though

[yon-shi]

DELTARUNE theory: KRIS analysis

(also a bit about their relationship with PLAYER and why they aren't do too well).

Don't tell me that Kris doesn't like the Player - it's a fact. It's so obvious that you should be absolutely blind if you go through all chapters and haven't noticed it yet. No offense.

But it can't be all, isn't it?

After new chapters, some comparisons, and analysis, we can say that they at least don't hate us... if we are not some kind of WEIRD psycho, of course.

*Spoilers ahead*

Let's start with basics. What do we know about Kris?

We know their family and neighbors;

We know some random situations from their past (mostly childhood)

We know some of their food preferences...

... And that's actually all facts that we can gather. The rest of the things are just too speculative and hardly touch the surface. We know that Kris used to scare Noelle, pretending to be hurt with ketchup on his hand. But we can't say Kris did it because they is some kind of psycho that enjoy people being afraid they actually aren't or because their young self couldn't tell when it's too much for a simple prank.

And what we don't know?

Their character

Their motivation

How the hell they can take soul away... is this soul, even their?

Why their half of the room so empty

What their opinion about other people around

and it goes.

We have only one way to know them better - observing their reaction. Is this enough? In some cases actually yes!

Player give answers almost always on their behalf, but we can say if they think the same by the form of options on choice or their behavior.

My favorite example of this:

Kris can not give us only options they like, but at least they can show their disapproval.

And what I want to say... they're NOT fully bothered by our actions. Or at least some of them. And visa versa, we can suppose that they do their best and put it all if they like the situation (or at least don't mind what's going on):

Sometimes, the way they form options can be very emotional and eye-catching (unlike usual style).

Kris do their best after flirt command and do not sabotage it by doing it bad, even more - they do it SO GOOD, Susie consider take some flirt lessons later (they cringe about it later, but still...)

They do some things without Player order: cool posing, high-fiveing, etc.

They coughed / bit their own hand as hard as they could to just not say: "I'll never play piano again."

Kris can choose some answers themselves on the first round of Tenna's show! The player just needs to wait a little bit.

When Kris didn't want to peek at Asriel room in Queen Mansion, they closed their eyes after entering. Kris can try to abort our order, and it's even successful from time to time. (At the same time, they didn't care about picking into other people's room)

We can even make a guess that Kris is the one who forms the way options will be!

The narrator used to describe KRIS's feelings and actions (not Player's, even tho it normally goes with "you"), and we can't be 100% sure it's accurate, but their rare actions are correlated with what narrator says.

Their reactions on certain things also can tell a lot:

So what we can say about Kris in summary: they're quiet and not talkative, but know how to flatter others, quite silly; they like jokes and pranks. They are also very caring about people that close to them.

And very against the Player, the intruder from outside, who took away control from them. What's worse, it's that fact that Kris actually CAN make Player leave their body... but for whatever reason, they must continue being like this.

Kris is annoyed, mad at Players, and actually wants them to leave. Or we can say something more?

In chapter 1, Kris pulled us, player, away to just... eat a pie. As much as THEY want. To fully feel the taste. No harm was done to us; moreover, it's seems like Kris was in pain during the process of taking soul from body.

In chapter 2, they did it to ruin tires - so Susie would be invited to sleepover by Toriel.

In chapter 4, Kris just wanted to be alone and rest (without our interventions) after quite stressful day.

In chapter 3, they did it, so we wouldn't be able to find a shelter code or lead Susie.

Cool ways to annoy player, yeah?

...Oh wait, we forgot something very important.

Weird route.

This way, Kris isn't just annoyed by Player. They also feel toward them disgust and fear:

In the normal route, we can scare them during playing "true" mini-game (if we suddenly attack them or Susie with pixel Kris); they also looked at us after we killed pixel Susie and Ralsei.

But still, they aren't afraid of us; Kris beat Player (soul, to be more concrete) with hockey stick, when we were at Dess closet and doesn't seems like they afraid of consequences (maybe they believe we won't hurt them? Or rather *only them).

But in the Weird route, Kris is terrified. If we gave them a little more time, they'll just grab Noelle's hand and ran away, so we wouldn't bring any more harm to her; if not - all they would be able to do is beating sh*t out of Player, even if it means to hurt themselves.

*If Player try to attack Kris with pixel Kris, they will fall back in shock. But their reaction on attempt to attack Susie way more clear: they immediately pull her back, will start breathing heavily (up to hyperventilating), and clench their teeth. Kris are also more emotional when it comes to Noelle protection; they're more afraid about others than themselves.

They don't care about their own body and life or just don't have another choice, so they let it go. Because of some kind of promise (it doesn't seem like they are very willing to do it), Kris works with Knight and try not to let us mess everything up. Maybe they're not even part of Propecy! (Or, at least, not without Player).

But hey, let's move a bit from that sad note.

Even if we know, Kris against the Player, we at least have chances for changes in this dynamic!

Kris promised something to Knight and last one even should remind them about it - it can mean they aren't very willing to do it;

In fight in chapter 3, Kris deals more damage if Susie and Asriel fell (around 80+ instead of 19) - even though they're siding Knight, their friends are still on top of priorities - and it can make them change their actions;

In the end of chapter 3, Kris come to shelter and tell us about entry fields and symbols of codes (even thought they have no reason to do it if they a fully on Knight side).

Kris also stopped us from learning first part of the code by ripping soul only AFTER we have got 3 numbers already. And if only first part hasn't more than 4 digits, Player can easily pick a combination. Considering that fact, that they can sabotage Player's order (and that Kris can raise their hand before reading and just wait until they'll come to 3rd number), they were quite lazy about it this time.

It all gives a hope that in the end Kris and Player will be able to fight in one side. Together.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Hello! I was wondering if you had any advice/sources on how to write relationships between siblings where one has ASPD (specifically sociopathic-inclined)?

Writing Notes: ASPD Relationships

Antisocial personality disorder - a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others, criminality, impulsivity, and a failure to learn from experience.

In order to be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, an individual must show a continuing pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15, with three (or more) of the following:

Failure to conform to laws and social norms (repeatedly breaking laws).

Deceitfulness (repeated lying or conning others for personal profit or pleasure).

Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

Irritability and aggressiveness (repeated physical fights or assaults).

Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

Consistent irresponsibility (repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations).

Lack of remorse (being indifferent to having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another).

In addition, the individual must be at least age 18 years and there must be evidence of conduct disorder before age 15.

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Hi! Here are some signs and symptoms of ASPD you can use to guide you in writing scenes involving sibling relationships of your character with ASPD. Make them more specific to fit your story, so for example (#4), write about repeated fights with their sibling.

Here are more notes, mostly focusing on interpersonal relationships, from different sources that can guide your writing to show your character's relationship with their sibling (sources linked above). Choose which ones are most appropriate, and alter as needed for your story:

A person with antisocial personality disorder may...

exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others

lack concern, regret or remorse about other people's distress

behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour

have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships

be unable to control their anger

lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes

blame others for problems in their lives

repeatedly break the law or take part in criminal activity, but if they do, they are not sorry for their hurtful deeds

be inconsiderate of the rights of others

be deceitful and intimidating in relationships

not value "playing by the rules." They do so only if they are threatened with punishment. This attitude leads to a tendency to exploit others. They take advantage of the fairness or softheartedness of others, and they feel indifferent toward or even contemptuous of their victims.

have little, if any, ability to be intimate with another person. Any lasting relationships are likely to involve some degree of abuse or neglect.

sometimes be charming and can be good actors who use lies and distortion to keep relationships going. Some with antisocial personality disorder have no goal beyond the pleasure of deceiving or harming others.

appear to care for no one but themselves. They may be able to understand the emotions of others. But they don't suffer any shame or guilt about the pain they may be causing. Instead, they use their knowledge of others' weaknesses to gain favors or to manipulate an outcome.

not take responsibility for any of his or her own suffering. He or she may blame others when things go badly. Many with this disorder do suffer, because they can be self-defeating, and never get to enjoy the many pleasures that come to people who are better able to have mutual and satisfying relationships.

[alexandraisyes]

Eclipse Character Analysis (Sun and Moon Show)

Alternate Title: Why I'm 95% sure Eclipse is a sociopath EDITED TITLE: An Analysis of how Eclipse's ASPD is reflected in his character

A hopefully unnecessary disclaimer: - One, hi, hello I am a sociopath, I do know what I'm talking about. This also means that a lot of what I notice and will describe about Eclipse are similar or the same as my own experiences living life in this mortal realm. What I will touch on in the "redemption" section is heavily based on the kind of intensive treatment I had to get in order to improve my behavior when I was younger, so it's important to note that while Eclipse will never be able to change his personality (like how I can't change mine, and you can't change yours), he can change his thought patterns, mentality, and behavior. The saying that "sociopaths can't change" is specifically talking about how we can't change our personality, which is true for everyone. That doesn't mean we can't learn to function better in civilized society or be taught emotional awareness and morals. - Two, hi, hello this is just what I've noticed and does not mean it's canon unless Reed or Davis themselves come onto my Tumblr and go "Yes, this, this is what is correct", and even then, you're allowed to have your own opinions and views on these characters. I'm just theorizing here EDIT: Reed and Davis confirmed that Eclipse is indeed a sociopath a day after I posted this here, and a week after my initial post in their server that is basically this but slightly messier. - Three, hi, hello I'm also a psychology student so I also know what I'm talking about in that regard too. I've been studying psychology and general medicine for three and a half years now, so I like to think I have some idea of what I'm talking about - Four, I use the terms sociopath, ASPD, sociopathic disorder, and anti-social personality disorder interchangeably since they all describe the same personality disorder - Five, this analysis is long, I cover the basics, an in depth, some potential scenarios, a redemption arc possibility, and some other thoughts I have about him. - Six, I made this disclaimer to address any potential misunderstandings, or harmful stereotypes that I tend to be confronted with any time I talk about ASPD. Now onto the good stuff!

Too Long; Won't Read - Here's a Summary

Attachment and Pride: Eclipse initially cared about Lunar, and his reaction to Lunar leaving suggests a fragile pride. His inability to connect with others is evident in his strained relationships with KC and Bloodmoon.

Masking Emotions: Eclipse keeps his darker thoughts to himself at the beginning, and throughout the show as well. He masks both his emotions, and his intentions throughout the show, and is careful not to show when people have upset or offended him. This behavior stems from a learned experience that letting his guard down leads to resentment.

Manipulation and Brash Communication: Eclipse is straightforward and brash when expressing thoughts, feelings, or opinions. He employs manipulation when needed but is mostly disinterested in others.

Boredom and Stimulation: He seeks reactions from people, often causing chaos for entertainment. Boredom, especially when stuck as an AI, prompts him to instigate situations for amusement.

Lack of Empathy: He also appears to lack empathy, as evidenced by his inability to understand emotions and his focus on getting reactions rather than connecting with others.

Touch Aversion: Eclipse's lack of physical affection aligns with the common aversion to touch seen in individuals with ASPD.

Remorse and Growth: Eclipse shows remorse only in instances where he hurts Lunar in the beginning of the show, indicating a potential area for growth. A redemption arc could explore his struggles without completely erasing his apparent sociopathic nature.

Writer's note: A thoughtful portrayal of Eclipse's sociopathy, should my theory touch on the truth, if continued in a storyline, could provide an authentic exploration of mental health challenges and personal growth. Care should be taken to avoid stereotypes (DON'T USE GOOGLE FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THIS I BEG)

Putting Him Under a Microscope - Full Analysis

1. Attachment and Pride:

Eclipse's initial connection with Lunar suggests a potential attachment, a notable aspect in individuals with ASPD who can form (highly) selective bonds. However, Lunar's departure significantly impacts Eclipse's pride. This reaction aligns with the fragile self-esteem often observed in those with ASPD. The departure becomes a perceived personal betrayal, triggering Eclipse's defensive response.

In individuals with ASPD, relationships often serve specific purposes, and Eclipse's attachment to Lunar may have been driven by a combination of genuine connection but also very clearly the utility Lunar provided in fulfilling certain needs or desires. (Which was helping Eclipse get the star of course)

Moreover, Eclipse's struggle with connecting to others, evident in strained relationships with KC and Bloodmoon, is a characteristic of ASPD. Individuals with this disorder often face challenges in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships due to their limited capacity for empathy and understanding of emotional nuances.

2. Masking Emotions:

Eclipse's tendency to keep darker thoughts to himself reflects a common coping mechanism associated with ASPD. Individuals with this disorder often learn to conceal their true emotions early on due to negative experiences when expressing genuine feelings. This learned behavior serves as a protective measure against potential backlash or social rejection.

The fear of vulnerability and subsequent consequences aligns with the interpersonal difficulties faced by those with ASPD. Eclipse's decision to hide his less socially acceptable thoughts is a strategic choice aimed at avoiding conflict and maintaining control over his image.

Professionally, the concealment of darker thoughts is recognized as a defense mechanism in individuals with ASPD. This protective facade, or 'mask,' becomes an integral part of their social interactions, allowing them to navigate social situations with greater ease. However, this constant need to mask one's true feelings can contribute to internal struggles and further isolate individuals with ASPD from genuine emotional connections.

One may ask, what 'darker thoughts' did Eclipse show, or receive backlash for? Well, let's see, when he was stuck in Sun for the beginning of his life, he was first confused, a bit scared, and completely disoriented. He was forgotten, and during the first parts we can see him trying to reconnect with Moon, however, his delivery, as individuals with ASPD tend to do, was brash. It didn't sugar coat what he wanted, and considering his earlier transgressions previously, they weren't taken well in the slightest. Instead of Moon trying to genuinely talk and explain, all he provided Eclipse with was "I changed, and you didn't." and in general was very annoyed and irate with Eclipse. There were several times during the beginning of Eclipse, where there could have been progress made with him, to help him work through his issues, his internalized fear of being forgotten again, and the accidental neglect, that just… didn't happen. Because Sun and Moon saw him as a virus.

Moon because Moon saw himself as a virus, so what else would he think of something that originated in his code, and acted like he used to? Acted like he still sometimes did, parts of himself that he didn't like about himself, living and breathing once again in the mind of his brother. Corrupting him.

And of course, Sun because he was just so tired and hurt and he finally thought he could have something only for this ball of code to make itself known? This peice of his brother that was left behind, that was formed from Moon's killcode? That was constructed from Moon's literal need to lash out, hurt others, and kill. I'm honestly a little horrified that this is never touched on in the show, because people aren't just born to be awful, that's not how this works. There were so many opportunities where toxic and awful behavior could have been stopped if it was handled properly.

Of course, I'm not blaming Sun and Moon. It's hard to help someone who doesn't understand they need help, and as a result the person won't want help either. Plus, they've said it themselves in the episodes where Lunar had returned from the dead. They were never programmed to understand mental health issues, and they have a hard enough time grasping the concepts of their own mental health issues to deal with other peoples. Especially other people who are actively hurting them, it's hard to feel sympathy for someone who causes you harm as far as I'm aware. (I personally wouldn't know)

But back to my main point, there absolutely were times in the beginning where Eclipse was just honest about his wants and desires, and was shown disgust and hatred for it. Which would absolutely make him be prone to masking, which he does a lot in the show from what I can tell.

3. Manipulation and Brash Communication:

Eclipse's communication style, characterized by being brash and straightforward, aligns with the speech patterns and tendencies often associated with ASPD. When he's not trying to pull a fast one over someone, he's very blunt, and he doesn't beat around the bush. Individuals with this disorder may utilize manipulation as a means to achieve personal goals or navigate social situations, but without a reason to sugar coat, they won't. Although sometimes not sugar coating is also employed as a manipulation tactic, which makes it tricky navigating conversation at times with sociopaths. Eclipse's lack of hesitation in employing manipulation reflects the calculated nature of his interactions, as we see him smoothly switch between fronts, acts he puts on to get people to agree with him.

His disinterest in others, apart from exploiting them for personal gain, is consistent with the self-serving behaviors commonly observed in sociopaths. The use of manipulation as a tool for control and amusement is a manifestation of the disorder's impact on interpersonal dynamics. When he contacts Moon for help with Killcode, even then he has his own motives that are only helped by Moon being distracted with Killcode, as well as having KC out of the picture.

Professionally, manipulation is recognized as a prominent feature of ASPD. Individuals with this disorder may lack the ability to form genuine emotional connections and, instead, view relationships as transactional opportunities. Eclipse's interactions, particularly with Sun and Moon, exemplify this transactional approach, where he derives amusement from creating chaos. This last bit (amusment) is important, and I'll cover it next.

Before I pop on over, this is where I'd like to touch on Servant Eclipse. He is very crafty, and very manipulative, but it doesn't fool Lunar, who he clearly cares about to some degree. (Again, will say it as many times as needed, people with ASPD can care about people, it's just a lot of effort at first, doesn't come naturally, and is reserved for a select few). Lunar in this reality probably knows Eclipse inside and out, and isn't fooled by the not very convincing "I'm just a husk now" act Eclipse is playing out with. I suspect that Eclipse also is aware the Lunar isn't fooled, but it amuses him to some degree to keep up the game. I can only imagine serving a "Lord Lunar" is a fairly excitable life, and it's unlikely he's extensively bored. He's also just as brash as the OG Eclipse, and doesn't sugar coat the truth, or tries to ease Gregory into topics.

4. Boredom and Stimulation:

Eclipse's constant quest for stimulation and amusement, even at the expense of creating chaos, reflects a key characteristic of individuals with ASPD. Boredom intolerance is common in this population, leading to a perpetual need for excitement and novel experiences. (Can speak from experience, I spend about 4-6 hours every day bored out of my freaking mind and it's absolutely torture - which is why I draw so much)

The portrayal of Eclipse as being "bored out of his mind" when stuck as an AI in KC's base underscores the challenge individuals with ASPD face in mundane or monotonous situations. The need for stimulation is a driving force behind their impulsive and sometimes risky behaviors. There's a certain kind of restlessness, and impulsivity associated with ASPD, very much an act before you think, get defensive when confronted, and maybe think about it two days later on the very small chance it triggers a sense of morals/remorse. (Then probably forget it happened, cause we are very good at not caring enough to remember half the stuff we do. This isn't a choice, by the way, people with sociopathic disorder just aren't wired to feel strong emotions like guilt and shame.)

Professionally, this behavior aligns with the clinical understanding of ASPD. Individuals with the disorder often engage in sensation-seeking activities to counteract feelings of boredom and emotional emptiness. Eclipse's enjoyment in hacking Moon's computer, causing reactions from Moon and Lunar, serves as an outlet for his need for stimulation and disruption, as well as fulfills other purposes in starting a conversation with Moon about KC.

And of course, now I get to touch on my two favorite things that just drill this in. When OG Eclipse gets the star… what does he do? He torments Sun and Moon instead of wiping everything away, and I'm aware this is mostly because he doens't have mastery over the star. But what does Sun say, when Eclipse shows up to torment them on top of the play structure. Something along the lines of, You're just bored at this point? Is that it?

And what does Eclipse do? He leaves. Because Sun is absolutely right, and it probably stings his ego to have someone he so fully has convinced himself of hating to be right about him. Even before he gets the star… just how much effort did he really put into getting the star? Sure, he had this big plan, but I think he was aware that the 'perfect world' would never make him happy to start with; he just felt the need to be something larger than life, so of course you must set the largest goals to achieve in order to be that. He could have gotten the star so much faster lets be honest. I fully believe he was just having too much fun messing with Sun and Moon, because it gave a reaction, and the reactions to his actions were exciting, breaking his boredom. He was bored a lot, stuck in Sun's head, stuck in Sun's body and pretending to be Sun, stuck as an AI, stuck with Solar Flare's AI fighting him, stuck being unable to use the star…….. seeing a pattern yet?

And of course, my second favorite thing. Lord Eclipse. Moon full out calls him out on how bored Eclipse is, and Eclipse first tries to deny it, then sees no tactical advantage to denying it, and admits that yeah, he is bored. He's been bored for ages and Moon is the first exciting thing in what feels like forever. He's not happy in his perfect world, but he isn't going to change is because that would cut his pride for Sun and Moon to be right about what he wants and needs after so many years. So many years of his Moon being dead. Of having Sun as an obedient servant, bound to his beck and call. He's bored, and it shows, and he knows that it shows.

5. Lack of Empathy:

Eclipse's consistent inability to understand and empathize with the emotions of others aligns with a central feature of Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). Individuals with ASPD often struggle with recognizing and comprehending the feelings of those around them.

His focus on getting reactions rather than forming genuine connections reflects the hallmark trait of lacking empathy. Eclipse's interactions with Sun, Moon, and Lunar highlight his detached and indifferent approach, as he manipulates situations purely for personal amusement without regard for the emotional impact on others.

Professionally, the deficit in empathy is a well-documented aspect of ASPD. Those with the disorder may comprehend others' situations on a cognitive level but struggle to grasp the emotional nuances involved. Eclipse's inability to understand why Lunar is upset and his constant pursuit of reactions underscore the emotional disconnect inherent in individuals with ASPD.

Eclipse's interactions with Lunar provide a poignant illustration of his consistent lack of empathy. Despite a seemingly genuine attachment to Lunar in the beginning, Eclipse's emotional disconnect becomes evident as Lunar leaves. The impact of Lunar's departure on Eclipse's pride and subsequent defensive reaction highlights the absence of genuine understanding of Lunar's emotions. Eclipse struggles to comprehend the significance of Lunar's departure beyond a perceived personal betrayal, showcasing a lack of empathy toward Lunar's perspective.

Moreover, Eclipse's manipulation and attempts to provoke reactions from Lunar, even after Lunar has left, underscore his disregard for the emotional toll on Lunar. This behavior aligns with the typical patterns seen in individuals with ASPD, where the pursuit of personal amusement takes precedence over the emotional well-being of others.

Eclipse's inability to process and acknowledge his own damaged ego resulting from Lunar's departure further emphasizes his lack of emothional understanding. He doesn't want to admit that Lunar hurt him, so instead he just continues to shut it down, bottle it up, and let it churn into hatred instead of looking at what he did wrong. His resentment and refusal to acknowledge the emotional impact on Lunar highlight the emotional blindness inherent in individuals with ASPD, especially in the context of complex interpersonal relationships.

6. Touch Aversion:

Eclipse's noticeable lack of physical affection, as both seen throughout the show, and mentioned when Lunar clings to Sun and states that Eclipse never showed him physical affection, aligns with a common trait among individuals with ASPD. Touch aversion is a characteristic feature, as those with the disorder often lack the intrinsic desire for physical closeness or intimacy.

Eclipse's minimal physical interaction, even in what could be perceived as emotionally charged moments, is consistent with the general pattern observed in individuals with ASPD. The absence of hugging or comforting gestures suggests a limited appreciation for the emotional needs of others.

Professionally, touch aversion is recognized as part of the interpersonal challenges associated with ASPD. Individuals with this disorder may not instinctively seek physical connection unless it serves a specific purpose, such as manipulation or personal gain. Eclipse's avoidance of physical affection adds a layer to his character, illustrating how his interpersonal behaviors align with the clinical understanding of ASPD.

This aspect of Eclipse's character contributes to a nuanced portrayal of the disorder, showcasing how the lack of tactile expression can impact the dynamics of his relationships, particularly in situations where emotional support is expected. (Like seriously, even Sun and Moon hug when one of them are having an awful day, but Eclipse? He literally doesn't seem to understand why Lunar craves positive physical touch so bad, because he just… doesn't feel the need himself. You can never fully understand something you experience, and it's not like people were explaining these basic needs and wants to Eclipse… ever.)

7. Remorse and Growth:

Eclipse's occasional display of remorse, particularly in instances where he has harmed Lunar, offers a glimpse into a facet of his character that deviates from the (BAD DOWNRIGHT AWFUL) stereotypical image associated with ASPD. While individuals with ASPD are often poorly and harmfully characterized/stereotyped by a complete lack of guilt or remorse, Eclipse's moments of internal conflict suggest a degree of emotional complexity.

Professionally, the intermittent remorse aligns with the recognition that individuals with ASPD may experience moments of internal conflict, especially in relationships that hold personal significance. Eclipse's struggle with whether to apologize after hitting Lunar reveals a brief internal debate, questioning the severity of his actions against Lunar's emotional response.

However, Eclipse's ultimate decision not to apologize, driven by his failure to perceive the significance of Lunar's distress, reinforces the inherent challenges in navigating emotional landscapes for those with ASPD. This internal conflict and eventual dismissal of remorse contribute to a more realistic portrayal of the disorder, highlighting the ongoing tension between impulsive actions and moments of potential introspection.

Should Eclipse undergo a redemption arc, these moments of internal conflict could serve as a foundation for growth, illustrating that while individuals with ASPD may grapple with moments of remorse, their ability to sustain lasting change remains a complex and challenging journey. Of course, I'm going to cover this as well.

Redemption and Recovery

Eclipse's potential redemption could be approached with an understanding that a complete overhaul of his personality is near impossible, because as psychology has shown, you don't just change your personality. However, nuanced growth and positive change within the framework of his behaviors and thought patterns can be explored.

Increased Self-Awareness: Eclipse could undergo a process of heightened self-awareness, acknowledging the impact of his actions on others. This could involve introspection into the motivations behind his behaviors and the consequences they entail. This won't be something he does on his own, he's going to need someone behind him, pushing him to be better. Preferably someone who has no majorly poor history with him for the best results.

Therapeutic Support: In a realistic redemption arc, Eclipse might engage in therapy tailored to individuals with ASPD. This could involve developing coping mechanisms, enhancing emotional intelligence, and learning healthier ways to navigate interpersonal relationships. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a very affective type of therapy for people with personality disorders, or collections of disorders that combined provide the complications of a personality disorder.

Recognizing the Value of Relationships: Eclipse could gradually come to recognize the value of genuine connections beyond their utility. This may involve acknowledging the significance of relationships for emotional support and personal growth. This is going to be a process, and he will mess up. He will forget. It's something he will have to choose to work with in order for it to work, and even then he will make mistakes. It will be important to have patience with him, and instead of lashing out (cause that can cause a spiral back into poor behavior), working on these slip ups with him, and helping him relearn the significance of correcting it when he messes up.

Empathy Development: A full restoration of empathy is be unrealistic, Eclipse could work on developing cognitive empathy—understanding others' perspectives intellectually, even if not emotionally. This could improve his ability to navigate social situations more effectively. (This is what I do! <:happy_stim:867544047735275521>)

Establishing Boundaries: He should learn to set healthy boundaries in his relationships, understanding that manipulating and exploiting others for personal gain may provide short-term satisfaction but is detrimental in the long run.

Contributing Positively: As part of his redemption, he could find avenues to contribute positively to others' lives. This could involve utilizing his unique skills for constructive purposes, fostering a sense of accomplishment outside of manipulative endeavors.

Maintaining Accountability: Eclipse's growth would involve a commitment to being accountable for his actions. This includes acknowledging mistakes, making amends where possible, and actively working towards minimizing harm to others.

Embracing Personal Growth: Eclipse's redemption arc could focus on embracing personal growth within the constraints of his personality. It's about acknowledging that while he may not fundamentally change, he can adapt and evolve to lead a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Potential Future Scenario: Eclipse Apologizes

Brought to you by someone saying that Lunar would refuse Eclipse trying to apologize, but I respectfully disagree, and here's why.

I think that if Eclipse ever does apologize to Lunar, Lunar would have literally no choice but to accept, because we’ve seen early on that he does not apologize

To genuinely apologize and acknowledge his wrongdoing would be major character development that would take a lot of time and struggle to get to that point, based on my theories/analysis about him

So by the time he can actually, truthfully apologize, there would be evidence to prove his struggle with his own twisted nature, and probably how he failed at times during the journey, and had set backs and road bumps. The others would have most likely seen the effects and effort it takes to learn to change for him, and would most likely acknowledge that he’s being truthful.

If Lunar doesn’t accept at that point, if it ever got to that point, Lunar would be acting irrationally due to emotional complications, would probably just hurt Eclipse when he’s trying to be better for his brother, and would most likely set him back. There’s a very destructive pattern of thought when it comes to personality stuff (which is what I think Eclipse struggles with, a specific personality disorder I’m writing a comic thingy about), because you can’t change your personality. You can’t will yourself to be a certain way, and so it’s very easy to destroy progress people make on self improvement. So lunar refusing the apology would most likely not only hurt Eclipse’s pride (like it was hurt when Lunar left his side the first time) but would also further his belief of “why bother if they won’t accept the fact I’m trying for them” that he’d probably struggle with throughout a period of character growth.

Lunar’s smart, and pretty emotionally aware. He can be petty, but if Eclipse were to get to that point, I don’t think Lunar would refuse it because he would have already seen the struggle and effort Eclipse had put through just to get to that point

Logically, Solar would be the best person to help Eclipse, not Earth

This is partly copied/pasted from some conversations and does analyze Solar a bit as well

I really honestly doubt that Earth is going to be able to help him, if he comes back, and I’m suspecting that Solar would do a better job because he’s the only who can understand, properly, the absolute hell that was waking up inside of Sun’s mind with no idea what’s going on and how he got there. Earth can be sympathetic and show him pity, but that’s not going to help him very much at the end of the day. He doesn’t want sympathy, he doesn’t want pity because he has associated that with being weak and out of control. He needs some one who will understand him, and who will fully understand how one small thing changed so much due to the snow ball effect. Which Solar would understand. He’s “nice eclipse” after all, aka just an Eclipse without such bad formative trauma. So he never spiraled, but he’s just as blunt and analytical as Eclipse tends to be, and would be able to actually communicate with Eclipse about his issues since it’s a situation he could have easily been in had things gone slightly different

Solar is probably the only one who can understand, and I mean properly understand, Eclipse’s trauma and bottled up emotions. And I think that if they’re going to give Eclipse someone who will support him, they should do Solar. He’s got all boxes checked

The ability to fully understand Eclipse

No bad history with Eclipse that would really affect how Eclipse treats him (It’s not like Eclipse knows he built the satellite)

Similar base personality, his just wanted warped and twisted in the start, but if you strip away Eclipse’s issues, they’re practically the same person… for obvious reasons

The willingness to say what needs to be said, and not try to sugar coat. Earth would try to let Eclipse down easy about stuff, ease him into it, and he’s gonna see that as her being manipulative because that’s how he manipulates people. He needs someone who is just going to lay things out on the table

And of course, Solar most likely wouldn’t think Eclipse is too far gone to change. Because how do you think that of yourself? And they are the same person, just from different perspectives. It’s a similar dilemma I have to just writing off Eclipse, when I take him apart and see myself staring back at me. But I was able to improve, it just took work, and it took a situation dire enough to get me to realize that if I didn’t want to ruin the few things I cared about, I needed to get my crap together. And that’s probably what he’s gonna need to, something that threatens what he cares about to the point he realizes that this can’t go on. (And I’m suspecting that something will be control over his own life, just like it was for me.) We saw at the end of his life, that he was starting to self reflect and realize that he needs to change somehow, and this was because his control over his own life was being threatened I suspect.

Extra, Smaller Analysis on Solar and Eclipse

It is important to note that Solar doesn't have this issue (ASPD), and I believe it's because he didn't suffer the same beginning that Eclipse did. They resolved the Solar issue when he popped into existance very quickly from what we can tell, and so he wasn't left in the dark for months on end, left to stew in his own agony and emotions. Personality issues are caused by trauma, and specifically ASPD is directly tied to neglect during the most crucial formative stages in development. Sun and Moon had no idea Eclipse was there, and didn't mean to abandon him, because they didn't know he existed. But this complete, and utter abandoment, what is probably internalized as a personal betrayal because I can imagine Eclipse being destroyed by the idea that Moon left him behind on purpose. Which is just… not a good thought for my man to have, because that leads to feelings of worthlessness, and self-hatred for not being 'good enough' to keep/take care of/help. Which then just snowballs into other negative emotions, that gets him all worked up, and then he's fuming at the fact that they left him. That they decided he wasn't worth keeping around, and how dare they make that decision about him for him?!

You can see how it gets out of hand quickly, as he realizes the neglect he's suffering from, the abandonment he's facing, and the fact that he's now trapped. That Moon got to escape, but he can't and it's not fair. This is the perfect breeding ground for that funny little disorder called sociopathy, and boy, there's almost nothing at this point that can convince me that he doesn't have it because it's all just a little too perfect. And the worst part?

I really really doubt it was done on purpose, but holy heck it would be so cool if it was. Not just because of how beautifully crafted it is in his character, how it's so consistent and real, but also because if it was done on purpose, it would show that the writers took the time to do real research about a disorder that is so often done so poorly, and is commonly confused with a completely different issue (psychopathic disorder). Even knowing that it probably wasn't done on purpose, I'm still gonna just cling to him because I love him and I want him to get the happy ending he deserves. And I mean that genuinely, people who are suffering and lashing out because they're drowing in hate due to unfortunate circumstances that were really out of their control deserve to be given the tools to improve themselves and their lives, and it would be wonderful to see this sentiment reflected in the show.

Wrap-Up Ramble/Writer's Notes

This is, of course, my own personal observations, and it is definitely a lot to read. I had a lot of fun constructing this thread, because it is so rare to find a character that I feel I can properly connect to. I've struggled with a lot of the patterns Eclipse has shown in the show that I've called out, and I've had to go through the steps in the 'redemption arc' section myself. It's not an easy process, and as I mentioned, him realistically improving is going to be a process that is going to be draining on himself, and the people around him. He will have to wake up and choose to go against the walls he's thrown up around himself every single day if he's going to have a realistic redemption, and it's going to be exhausting. But I do genuinely believe that he can change, and improve, because I was able to change and improve as a person. It took time, years of intensive self examination and cognitive based therapy, and it required a strong support system. Which hopefully, if he comes back to the show, he can obtain, because otherwise he will continue to drown in his own bitter stew of resentment for others and himself. And that's no fun, that's just depressing.

A lot of people look at Eclipse and think the villain, but I just can't. His actions make him a bad person, but taking apart the psychology behind him, and seeing how glaringly similar a character is to you that is supposed to be the 'bad guy'… I want him to be able, if he comes back, to get the proper 'recovery arc' that he deserves, and I really hope that if they do try to save him from his own demons, they do it properly, instead of giving him a complete 180. Because you can't change your personality, and Davis and Reed seem to be aware of that with Moon. Even when old Moon tried to be better, he was still an awful person. And the 'new' Moon is still eerily similar to the old one, and as the time goes on, he just becomes more and more like the old one. Because it's the same AI, he just lost his memories. He didn't do a whole personality change because he got his memory card wiped, because he's the same person where it counts. He just has the benefit of not having all of the pain his past self was carrying. He's free of the hurt, and trauma, and self hatred old Moon carried, but he's still Moon.

So I'm really hoping that they continue to accurately display psychology in their characters if they bring Eclipse back, because it is such an immersive show due to the fact that it makes sense. These things make sense psychology wise, their behaviors, actions, patterns of thinking and speech. And I really am looking forward to seeing if they bring Eclipse back because he's such a beautifully constructed character.

You Made It

This is the end of my massive post. Congratulations if you made it this far. If you did, uh, the password is Dorito. Leave it in the comments/reblogs to let me know you made it, haha.

I'd love to see people's thoughts on this and on him, so feel free to leave your thoughts as well in comments/reblogs. I'll try to reply to every single one I see. Again, I love his character so much, it's so well crafted, and it was so fun to take this apart.

Edit: I have been asked about where to find the thread/join in on the convo, etc a few times: I have a thread in the SAMS server here if you want to join the conversation

[toyota12]

Steven Universe Future: Volleyball (Monkey Morality Pose) Revisited (Part 2)

This post continues where Part 1 left off.

However, it's also at this moment where everyone's inability to assess the situation they were walking into comes back to haunt them, as they had unconsciously been slipping into the roles defined for them by gem society. Steven, by leading the mission to "fix" Pink Pearl and pushing his idea of what healing "should" look like on them had been slipping into the role of a Diamond (in fact an unused storyboard for this episode showed Steven with Diamond-shaped pupils in his eyes during the earlier breakdown scene). And the Pearls, by going along with what Steven says and their rivalry to prove who was the better Pearl to Pink Diamond through him had slipped back into their roles of servitude.

Therefore, when Shell decides to rejuvenate the Pearls in response to picking up on this, it's meant to showcase the ultimate act of erasure, where Steven, "the Diamond," can get the outcome he wants by controlling their healing process, and the Pearls go back to blindly obeying their superior without free-will for themselves.

This moment highlights one of the core messages of the episode, true healing can only come when the characters decide to help themselves, not through relying on external factors (like trying to "fix" someone else, or trusting someone else, or a system to do so for you).

Steven: No, no, no, no! What have I done? *bangs on the shells* Shell, stop it!

This line from Steven shows both his recognition and flaws at the same time. He realizes that he became exactly what he feared during this episode (someone whose attempt to help have only made things worse in addition to emulating similar traits to his mother). Though, in a way, he is still acting like a Diamond (or the sole savior) trying to resolve the predicament himself (because still he thinks he has to to have any reason to be accepted or to accept himself) and trying to command Shell to stop (which is only met by her twistedly reassuring him that "his Pearls" would be better than new once the process is finished), only now he's completely powerless to do anything, another fear of his that became reality through his own actions.

In addition to this, during this scene, the Pearls become the first of the group to begin the realization that healing begins from within yourself, not by relying on others, which starts with Pearl apologizing and admitting that she didn't understand Pink Diamond as well as she thought she did to Pink Pearl, and Pink Pearl herself finally admitting that she was hurt by Pink Diamond even if she knows it wasn't the latter's intent to do so. Pink Pearl's admission also begins to open Steven up to the possibility that everyone's perceptions of Pink Diamond are filtered through their emotions about her and there is no "right" or simple version of her, even though he still remains trapped in the belief that he has to get rid of the pain (or the parts of himself he dislikes) in order to feel better (or again to accept himself or to be accepted). This is because he's thinking in terms of absolutes where he not only has to be the "good" version of Pink Diamond, he now has to come to view pain of any kind as something to be eradicated due to solely seeing it as a bad thing so when Pink Pearl admits she was badly hurt, he sees it as a problem instead of the beginning of growth.

Pink Pearl's question to Pearl after her own confession reveals she is also trapped in the belief of thinking pain is something to be gotten rid of, as she asks Pearl how she was able to stop hurting. However, Pearl hugging Pink Pearl and admitting she didn't opens Pink Pearl up to the possibility that she doesn't have to be "fixed" in order to be seen for who she is as she hugs Pearl back, showing how she's beginning to accept herself, cracks and all.

It's at this moment both Pearls fuse into Mega Pearl, a character that embodies their clarity, shared pain, and merging of their perspectives to gain a better understanding of themselves and each other, and in doing so, break out of the rejuvenation chamber showing how they're no longer allowing themselves to defined by external factors or rigid binaries, but through themselves and embracing complexity.

Throughout this scene, while Mega Pearl does most of the heavy-lifting when it comes to escaping the Reef, Steven himself gets an opportunity to contribute as well when she gets tangled in the Reef's defenses and trusts Steven to be able to shut down the facility.

After tossing Steven through the Reef's defenses, Steven pulls off some impressive skills of his own, as he uses his shield to surf to the control panel and finally shut down the Reef.

The glances Steven and Mega Pearl share after they succeed in shutting down the Reef not only shows the relief of both parties, but the consequences of both their ideas of what help means as well (which will be further touched on in their last exchange in this episode) the ideas of believing you have to carry everything yourself vs. sharing that burden with others.

Steven: ... I'm so sorry. The whole trip was for nothing.

This dialogue from Steven shows how he's still trapped in his own perspective and still can't see himself and others clearly and ties back to a notion brought up at the start of the episode: His unconscious dehumanization of himself and others. Here, Steven not only misunderstands the events that just unfolded, but also why everything from the breakdown scene and onwards occured the way it did: the denial of his own personhood and the denial of the personhood of others as well, which is even shown in how he phrases his perspective on the situation. He frames this not as just his perspective (for example: saying, "I've failed") but as if it were an objective assessment on the situation.

This is because Steven can't differentiate between internal and external problems (in more ways than one). He treats pain as if it were an obstacle to be overcome not as something to sit with (essentially believing those parts of yourself have to be expunged in order to recieve proper healing) and he projects his own need for closure onto the Pearls, believing if they could be "fixed" he could be too. However, because of Steven's unconcious dehumanization of everyone, including himself, Steven doesn't realize he even wants closure at all, which causes him to both impose and project what he thinks will bring him that onto the Pearls. This is also why Steven couldn’t see he was just as much an active player in the metaphorical game as the Pearls were, because he wouldn’t conciously acknowledge his own role in it, which is caused by not believing he's allowed to have problems (and again, because he believes he's alone in the struggle).

Steven's repression of his own desires and his belief his perspective defines the reality of the situation are both traits showcased by the Diamonds (especially White Diamond), figures Steven is desperate not be anything like, but whose traits he ends up emulating anyway, so it's not just Pink Diamond whose traits he emulates, by those of the other Diamonds as well.

Mega Pearl: No, it wasn't for nothing. Your mother's Pearls never had the whole picture. One knew your mother was trying to change, but she couldn't understand why. The other never expected her to change at all. Now, I get to understand everything. Now, they finally get to have each other.

Mega Pearl reveals that the struggles of both her components wasn't just that they were hurt by the same Diamond, but how they were also trapped in their individual perspectives and the notion that Pink Diamond could only be one thing, causing the rift between them which was seen in the episode and the idea that they had to guard themselves under their performative roles and outdo each other in order to survive. But, through Steven's attempts to help (however flawed they were), both Pearls finally see each other, not as enemies to defeat, but as themselves flaws and all, who didn't need to be "fixed" in order to achieve that.

It also shows how the Pearls acknowledge their individual personhood. By acknowledging their experiences and perspectives, they begin to show Steven how his interpretation is not rooted in fact, but is rather distorted through the lens of the fixer role he believed he had to play, they also model a type of healing Steven can't provide himself at the time, the acceptance of pain and trauma as a part your being.

Other things to point out about this scene as that when the Pearls unfuse, Pearl is holding Pink Pearl's hand, a callback to an exchange in the episode. When Pearl offers to hold Pink Pearl's hand, she does so as an attempt to belittle and diminish Pink Pearl. However, here, they do so genuinely. There is also the fact that Pink Pearl is standing in between Pearl and Steven, another callback to earlier in the episode as both initially saw her as a threat to what they believed to be true about themselves (although, Steven still isn't able to accept he doesn't have to be perfect to attain peace, at least not at the time), so by the end, they not only accept her, they also accept that the identities they were holding onto further isolated them from each other.

In the final shot of the episode, the Pearls and Steven stare out into the night's sky, while remaining a good distance away from each other. This is meant to show the while the Pearls have accepted that there is no one version of Pink Diamond or themselves, and they don't need to be perfect in order to heal, Steven still hasn't fully internalized that. To him, there needs to be one version of Pink Diamond he can latch on to so he can be the "good" version of her, and hasn't fully accepted himself in all his complexity. However, witnessing the Pearls do so gives him a glimpse into the idea of that what is truly needed to heal isn't to "fix" others or yourself, but to allow others and yourself to be seen as people not roles to play.

One last thing to point out is that the volleyball nets have been left behind, calling attention to the "game" Steven and the Pearls were playing with each other to have one their perspectives win out. Not only did they all lose that game, but because they did they realized didn't have to have one of their perspectives win in order to survive or needed to survive at all, they needed to acknowledge that none of them have a full understanding of Pink Diamond or how to truly help themselves, and in doing so, they end this game between each other.

Altogether, I believe this episode not only portrays how hard it is when it comes to accepting difficult truths about ourselves and others, it also serves to challenge what we believe to be true about ourselves and how, even though said challenge may be painful, it is ultimately, all the more freeing.

[comicarc]

𝐋𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭

•──✮ masterlist ✮──•

> Tom "Iceman" Kazansky/Reader > At the Navy’s elite Top Gun training program, the reader is the only female pilot to attend. As she aims for the top spot, she’s met with resistance from an irritating blonde man. Tom “Iceman” Kazansky. As they spend 13 weeks rivaling each other, will she get lucky, or will she meet the terrible fate that all others have planned for her? 【 wc: 3370 】

The pungent smell of smoke and sweat assaulted her nose as y/n pushed open the doors to the lecture hall. The room buzzed with the low murmur of conversation, with rows of arrogant men conversing among themselves. Being the only woman in the Top Gun program, she was bound to draw unwanted attention. Not wanting to poke the sleeping beast, y/n maintained her invisible state by wandering to an isolated area near the back wall. 

Turning her attention to the front of the room as she settled, y/n’s eyes widened watching the television light up. A video of two aircrafts performing aerial combat was presented, narrated by Rick “Jester” Heatherly. Enthusiasm overwhelmed the girl as she intently hung on to every one of her instructor’s words. 

Her trance was disrupted when she heard mocking whispers coming from a particular blonde in the front row. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. They were given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be better than even the best–to be in a position so few have ever been–only for them to think it a joke. Then again, it wasn’t like these pilots needed to care about opportunity, not like her at least. 

Taking a deep breath to dissipate her frustration, y/n turned back to the front of the room as Commander Mike “Viper” Metcalf walked in. Taking Jester’s place, he began, “Gentleman…and lady.” Just her luck, his simple mention compelled every seated man to follow Viper’s gaze to y/n. Some winked at her, a few stray whistles caught her ear, but her eyes remained trained on the commander, ignoring every taunt. 

Silencing the room once again with a grunt, the commander continued, “You are the top one percent of all naval aviators. The elite. The best of the best. We’ll make you better.” As the commander droned on about what the program entailed, y/n could feel a lingering gaze burning into her. She shifted from side to side. Her eyes darted from the clock to Viper and back. As soon as he finished speaking, she was the first one out the door. 

In the hallway, several feet away from the others, she succumbed to the illusion of safety that isolation brought about. With every step, y/n mulled over the commander’s words. Everyone there had the knowledge, guts, and confidence to prove their mettle, but did she? To everyone at this base, she’d be a walking anomaly–temptation, really–who didn’t deserve to be here. Then again, she did beat the odds by being the first female pilot to even join the program. She could do this. But she had to be better than the best to see the finish line. 

Relaxing in a quaint apartment in the female quarters, the woman wore her navy dress whites before heading to the gathering at the bar. Outside of the classroom, she was bound to get a few catcalls and advances. Mentally prepping herself for the uncomfortable interactions she was about to have, y/n hitched a ride to her metaphorical doom. When she’d finally arrived, the venue was bustling with laughter and music. Uniformed servicemen could be found inside and out of the building, each with a woman or two clinging to their side. Putting on a brave face, y/n strutted straight for a bar seat, ordering whatever eased her nerves the quickest. 

Downing her second glass, y/n heard familiar voices beside her. She knew she shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but bored out of her mind, she thought it wouldn’t hurt to listen a little. Slightly tilting her head to face the speakers, she realized that it was her lovely classmates. From the corner of her eye, she observed the bunch introducing themselves to each other. 

The shorter man, with jet black hair and blue eyes, was Maverick; beside him was his RIO, Goose. Across from them was a towering Slider. What caught her eye was the blonde haired asshole, Iceman. He had whistled to her in the lecture hall and made remarks about her to his RIO when the commander was lecturing. Even now, he found a way to wind her into conversation as he’d commented, “...hope she flies better than she walks in heels.”

She balled her fist and glared at the oblivious man. They hadn’t exchanged a single word, and she’d doubted he’d have heard of her, yet he still found a reason to belittle her. It took everything in her to maintain her composure. She couldn’t afford to lash out, lest they kick her out of the program on the first day. Turning her attention back to the empty glass in her hand, she retreated into her mind. 

Her fingers wrapped around a strand of hair, twirling it subconsciously. The bustling surroundings faded, giving way to her imagination. In a few months, she’d be flying high-priority missions as a respectable pilot, not just a female one. It wouldn’t matter who she was, but what she could do. 

Looking back up to the scene around her, y/n watched Goose and Maverick sing You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ across the bar. A smile tugged on her lips as she listened to their out of tune attempt at the song. She moved her head back and forth subtly, humming along with them. When the song ended and the crowd died down, y/n thought it was the perfect opportunity for her to slip away. 

Spinning her body on the swivel chair to leave, the woman saw crisp blue eyes intently staring into hers. Iceman had seated himself beside her without her realizing. Leaning an elbow on the counter as his body trapped her in the seat, y/n could only glare back, hoping he’d get the hint. 

Instead, he leaned in closer and smirked. His face irked the woman enough to elicit a comment. “Didn’t think they’d let just anyone in here. But I guess someone has to finish last.”

He enunciated his words as he responded, “Couldn’t agree more. But hey, at least you’re nice eye candy.”

The man had some audacity speaking to her like that. Without missing a beat, she retorted, “I’d agree with you, but we all know Rooster’s the real looker.”

He chuckled, but all y/n saw in his eyes was hatred. Was it stemmed from the fact that she wasn’t a man, or that he saw a real competitor in her? Whatever he felt at that moment, she’d make sure it was the latter reason by the time they graduated. Pushing past him, y/n left the bar more determined than ever to beat every odd.

☁︎ •°⋆ ᯓ ✈︎ ⋆°• ☁︎

The next morning began at the crack of dawn in the middle of the air base. Seating herself in the back, y/n was surprised to see that she was joined by a familiar man, Klein “Dizzy” Baker. She’d seen him at her previous posting, never having spoken more than a few words at a time. 

When she’d adjusted in her seat, opening the notebook in front of her, Dizzy tapped her shoulder. “Guess I’m your RIO.” 

Looking up, y/n observed the seats in front of her. Maverick with Goose, Iceman with Slider, every pilot with their RIO. Turning to the man beside her, she smiled, acknowledging, “Guess so. Glad to be flying with a familiar face.”

He remained strangely silent as she finished her sentence. His indifference would’ve gotten to her nerves if she hadn’t seen a blonde woman strut right past him. Every man, including the instructor, had their eyes trained on her with more than just curiosity laced in their gazes.

She, Charlie, turned out to be a civilian contractor employed by the Pentagon to monitor the abilities of Top Gun recruits. Charlie droned on about the advantages and drawbacks of the jets they’d be flying in, but y/n couldn't care less. Her mind was too occupied with what was to come next: the flight exercise. She ran through maneuvers and strategies she’d used a hundred times, figuring out how best she could beat the others, especially Iceman. 

Once class was dismissed, and y/n had changed into her flight uniform, she eagerly made her way to the tarmac. She was just a few feet away from the soldiers lined up when she heard an all to irritating voice yell, “It ain’t too late for ya y’know. There’s still PanAm.” 

Rolling her eyes, she silently fell into line. It’d be better to ignore than to provoke. And plus, after this exercise, no one would question her ability to fly. 

☁︎ •°⋆ ᯓ ✈︎ ⋆°• ☁︎

y/n had changed quickly after their exercise, wanting to beat the crowd to the bar, but on her way out, she heard faint cheers coming from the men’s changing room. As much as she knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on them, y/n was curious to see their response, especially Iceman’s, having heard that she had beaten most of them. Slowly making her way a few feet from the entrance, the woman craned her neck to hear the rest of their conversation. 

Slider was the loudest as he announced to the room, “We won.” y/n just knew the man was rocking a stupid smirk on his face as he said it. 

Hollywood matter-of-factly replied, “Mav won too, man…And Dizzy.” The entire room burst out laughing.  

Before the woman could hear the rest of the conversation, she caught the sound of heavy footsteps making their way down the hall. Judging by how authoritative each step sounded, she guessed it had to be someone important, probably Viper. Not wanting to get into any trouble, she hurried off the way she had intended to go before the man could even see her in the vicinity. 

Once she’d made her way to the bar, y/n took the first seat she saw. In a booth with a burger, surrounded by faint chatter, y/n cracked the first real smile she’d had in months. A smile that was quickly dissipated when an annoying man walked to stand beside her. 

“I guess luck was on your side today.” Iceman began, taking the seat across from y/n. The smirk on his face was as big as his ego.

“I know, it’s a shame y’all can’t be pretty and good pilots. Lady luck really did love me.” y/n reciprocated his cocky demanor with a wide grin. 

Iceman chuckled to himself, placing his hands on the table as he commented, “I’m glad you like being second best. How ‘bout I buy you a drink just so you can get comfortable there.” 

“Y’think a bribe’s gonna help you? Let’s see who’s laughing by the end of this week.” Standing from the booth, y/n grabbed her empty plate and left the man to his devices. As she emptied the tray and set it on a counter, y/n could feel eyes piercing into her back like daggers. She loved to irk Iceman, or at least get a reaction out of him. It always fueled her drive.

Over the next few weeks, y/n stayed true to her promise. She’d been alternating first place with Iceman, each one doing better than the other after every round of exercises. Everyone had calmed down with their subtle insults and sexist remarks, seeing as they had no hope of catching up to her on the leaderboard. Now the rhetoric had shifted into something of a rivalry between the blonde and her, with her classmates each picking sides to see who’d graduate in first place. 

She’d never paid much mind to their debate, knowing she’d be the one to come out on top in the end. But that didn’t mean her mind wasn’t plagued with an idea of how a dogfight with Iceman in the air would play out. It haunted her in her dreams, in class when she didn’t want to listen to a lecture, and in training, pretending as though he were Jester instead. Even now, as she sat watching Mav, Goose, Iceman, and Slider playing volleyball, she thought about the endless maneuvers and counterattacks she could use when flying. 

She hadn’t realized Goose had made his way to her on the stands, begging, “C’mon, play with us. Haven’t you ever wanted to hit Iceman in the face?”

Looking up with squinted eyes, y/n joked, “Don’t tempt me.” Looking back at the court, she asked, “What happened to Mav?”

“He had somewhere to be.” 

Sighing in defeat, she stood up and followed Goose down onto their side of the court. Starting off the game with a strong serve, y/n proved to be even better than Mav.  Though she and Goose lacked in offense, they made up in defense. Her shorter stature played to her advantage in the game as she was able to successfully dig for every ball that Iceman spiked their way. By the time the sun had set, they had won almost every subsequent match. 

After they’d cleaned up the makeshift court, the boys decided they needed to cool off at the bar. y/n wasn’t too eager to follow, but before she left, she wound her way to Iceman. “Good game.”

He wasn’t happy, but she could see a ghost of a smile on his lips as he replied, “Go on lucky lady. You and I both know if this were a 1v1, I’d be the winner.”

☁︎ •°⋆ ᯓ ✈︎ ⋆°• ☁︎

She could see it as clear as day in her mind. Even from the air the sight was no less damning. Mav was holding onto Goose’s body as he bled to death in the water. She couldn’t imagine how he’d cope with losing a brother, much less thinking he was the reason the accident even happened. 

Her mind plagued with the memory, y/n had opted to sit by the ocean at night. She’d found comfort in the isolation. The waves lapping at her feet felt like a warm blanket, the moon’s light caressing her tearful face, and the sand soft like a pillow under her head. His death had raised concerns of her own. Would anyone miss if she were to go like that? She wasn’t as funny and amiable as Goose, nor did she have anyone as close to her as Mav was to him. Was it selfish to think of herself when others grieved? 

This particular night, she stared at the full moon above her head, with no more tears left to cry. I the midst of getting lost in the moonlight, y/n saw a silhouette of a head replace the celestial body. It was Iceman. 

Sitting up, puzzled, y/n began, “What’re you doing here?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he mumbled, seating himself beside the woman. His knees were hugged by his hands as his arms touched y/n’s. 

They stayed in silence that felt eternal. y/n had contemplated breaking it with a gesture or a kind word, but all she managed to croak out was a reassuring comfort. “It’s not your fault.” She looked at him, their gazes locked onto each other as she continued, “I know it’s not my place to say, but the jet malfunctioning because of the wash was nothing more than a mechanical failure. You and Mav aren’t guilty. You don’t have blood on your hands.”

He stayed silent as y/n bit her lip in anticipation. She had overstepped, or worse, mistaken their relationship. Maybe he still hated her, maybe her words only made his guilt worse, maybe–

Her thoughts were cut short when he chuckled to himself, his voice scratchy and low. “You don’t hate me? After everything I’ve said, I’d think you abhor me?”

Of course, she hated him, but she also had to thank him. Their rivalry had pushed her to be the best she could be, the very thing she had come to Top Gun for. Quirking an eyebrow, the woman replied, “There you go again with the assumptions. Y’think I’m that sensitive?”

He left just as quickly as he had come, leaving with a curt “Thanks.”

Since that interaction, y/n saw Iceman more scarcely. She didn’t think much of the change until her heart started aching and her eyes wandered for his face at the bar and during training. She didn’t understand why she wanted to see him again, only that it’d make her feel less numb. Regardless, she maintained her position in first place right through graduation, where she and Dizzy had their names engraved on a placard. 

Mav had been AWOL for a while, so it was a pleasant surprise to see him at the ceremony. He’d congratulated her with a firm handshake and his signature smile before heading to the stands for food. Every man in her class came to her, shaking a hand or cracking a joke about her success—everyone except Iceman. But she didn’t care; she did the very thing she had vowed to do. She beat the odds. 

A nagging thought in the back of her mind stopped her from truly celebrating, as all she could do was wander around looking for something–or someone. The more she investigated, the more she realized some of her teammates were gone, most notably her RIO. As she strayed from the gathering a bit, she caught Viper hustling down to the control room. Something was happening.

Worried, y/n caught up to him, asking what was happening. The commander heeded her to follow as there was already a mission underway. He’d informed her of a rescue operation in the Indian Ocean tomorrow. They’d already decided the roster, and she wasn’t on it. Halting in her steps, the woman was outraged. The commander had responded with a pitiful look and an offer for her to come with them on standby. 

No matter what she’d done or proved, she’d always be second best in the boys' club. What reason was there to celebrate being number one if it was all for nothing? Hell, how’d a dropout like Mav get more respect than her? Her anger dissipated to pain, and that too dwindled to self-pity as she made her way to the barracks to pack for tomorrow’s excursion. 

☁︎ •°⋆ ᯓ ✈︎ ⋆°• ☁︎

On the ship, she felt the whispers come back, the self-doubt began to set in, and without anything to ground he,r all y/n could do was stay in a corner and silently watch as the men prepared for the operation. Her ears had perked as she could hear Iceman’s voice nearby, talking about her. Butterflies churned in her stomach the closer the voice came. When she saw him turn the corner, he looked straight through her. He still hated her. And she’d just come to like him. 

She receded to the control room, her shoulders relaxed and her figure slightly hunched in defeat. Despite everything, y/n still listened intently to the comms, praying that no one else would die. That they’d all make it back safe, especially Iceman. Her heart pounded profusely, sweat dripped down her neck in the humid room, and her eyes remained glued to the monitor. When the mission was successful and the men finally landed on the aircraft carrier, y/n made her way outside to watch the celebration. Keeping her distance, she trained her eyes on Iceman as he got out of the jet. His grin stretched ear to ear, and he seemed to be the happiest she’d ever seen him. She couldn’t bear it. 

Turning her back to the scene, y/n decided it would be best to cuddle under her bedsheets and dream away the ache in her heart. Yet, before she could take another step, she felt a hand grip her shoulder. “Guess you aren’t so lucky.”

She wasn’t in the mood to fight with him, so she simply agreed, “Guess I’m not.”

He turned her around with one swift motion. He wrapped a hand around her waist and the other under her chin, lifting it slightly. “But you’re a damn good pilot.”

Before she could even comprehend what was happening, his lips met hers and she felt consumed by the kiss. He was right. It wasn’t luck, it was her. And he believed in her.

〰〰〰〰〰〰✈︎

•──✮ masterlist ✮──•