#i understand that the terrible things tend to float to the surface of the internet

[rickktish]

The hypocritical dichotomy of “I have the right to separate myself from those who have hurt me, I hold no obligation to them or to the connections we once had” and “I will hold the people who have hurt me personally accountable for the pain they have caused me and prioritize myself above their feelings” is the kind of thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and start biting people

[alone-forgotten-and-lost]

It recently dawned on me (maybe in the last week or so) that my depression has returned. Well, it never went away in the first place. Hm, how do I express this in a way that makes even a smidgen of sense? I experience depression, I’d say, all the time. I tend to experience the severity of it in waves and they span weeks at a time, but it’s always there. It’s like a continuous line of waves. Some highs, some lows, some longer, some shorter, but never ending. (Brace yourselves for some terrible cliches ahead. I know it’s stupid to explain it this way, but it’s how I understand it best.) My depression is always there. There is literally not a moment I know it isn’t with me.

 Sometimes, for me, depression is like ocean waves. Like I’m standing or walking along the edge of the water. Although most of the time I realize I’m standing and walking on stable ground, the waves sometimes come up far enough to loosen the sand beneath my feet and I sink down a little, become a bit unbalanced, and slightly struggle to find my footing. Sometimes the tide comes in but by the time I realize how far, I’m already being knocked over and dragged further out, away from the stability of land. Despite trying to swim or float back, I often feel currents pulling me out even further and further. Waves sometimes come crashing down over me, pulling me under into the push and pull of violent waters below the unsteady surface. Some would say to just walk away from the ocean, eliminate the risk of the waves; but to do that, I have to look away from the ocean and that’s always, always, always when the tide rushes in. The waves don’t always reach me while walking along the edge of the water, but I’m very aware of the deep, dark ocean right next to me.

 Other times, for me, depression is like a shadow. I live my life doing what needs to be done and my shadow is always there. Always near, always dark. Sometimes my shadow is small and blunt, other times it’s long and towering. Sometimes it looks exactly like me, other times it seems as though it has morphed into a creature that I can’t escape. The sun can shine bright, but my shadow remains right by me. I can turn away from it, but my shadow will still be right behind me. Just because I’m not looking at it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I can try to cover my shadow. I can place myself right over every line of my shadow and make it seem as though I don’t have one, but it’s always there, peeking out from somewhere. That shadow is the place where the light doesn’t reach. I might think that the only way to be rid of my shadow is to eliminate the light, but the light is what contains the shadow. It is what forces that shadow into a shape. Without the light, the shadow expands and darkness engulfs me. So I keep any little light available near to keep my shadow within limits. My shadow is my shadow. I can try as I may to hide it, get rid of it, or ignore it; but my reality is that as long as I am, it will be. 

I hope that at least to some, that made an inkling of sense. Maybe some of you can now even understand how I view and experience depression. 

As I tried to express earlier, I’ve realized very recently that the severity of my depression changed. It was kind of jarring because I can usually tell when things are changing emotionally/mentally for me, but I didn’t seem to notice this until now. For a while, despite whatever was going on, I was experiencing a very moderate hill (crest) in the wave of depression. I don’t know when it started turning into a valley (trough). I just know that something prompted my realization of worsening depression around an week or two ago. Although, I’m not too sure what exactly sparked it. I just remember that something initiated the realization process and all of the sudden I started to evaluate my situation.

It registered that over the last month or so:

My insomnia got worse (sleeping little to none or sleeping odd hours)

I put off easy work tasks (I let it build up)

I haven’t showered on a regular basis (I’d forget; how does that even happen?!)

I haven’t gone outside of my house much at all (but that’s already somewhat common for me)

I don’t want to do anything but stay in a room/bed without being bothered 

I quickly bore of or don’t even engage in most of my usual distractions

I have been experiencing more anxiety (even causing me to feel dread over something that usually makes me happy/excited)

The room I was staying in and keeping clean for over a month all of the sudden became a complete and utter mess in the last two weeks

The list goes on but I feel that the idea has gotten across by now. As I register all this again, it makes me feel ashamed. I shouldn’t feel shame over a chemical imbalance I didn’t ask for, but I can’t help but feel pathetic. At 22 years old, I can’t even seem to be a “normal” functioning person, let alone an adult. I should have been paying attention to my mental/emotional state and the state of my surroundings. It’s a weird feeling to suddenly become aware that you’re back in that place you’d hoped you wouldn’t be. 

I don’t know, this is just a lot of rambling thoughts at 4 am. I should go to sleep or maybe just get off the internet for now. I guess I just needed to vent to someone/something just to get it out of my head for a second. Thank you if you read or even skimmed through this post. I hope you are feeling mental and emotional healing and stability.