#cdd vent

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

How DID Disrupts Appropriate Decision Making - A Personal Switchy Ramble

This is based on our personal experiences with being a DID system. Seemingly each alter was split to hold clashing personalities that couldn't be integrated. This is because we as a child needed one "extreme" persona for one environment and another "extreme" persona for another environment

For example, our alter Sof is bubbly, forgiving and diplomatic, while I, Levi, am quick to anger, hold intense grudges and won't trust other people. My acute stress response is always fight, while Sof is more prone to fawn. I would not mind watching evil people being tortured to death (and participate), but Sof possesses very high empathy, since we wouldn't survive if we didn't forgive and submit to our abusers. I got to store the whole "never forgive, never forget" shit, while Sof can't help but see that evil person as if they are a victim deserving of another chance

This makes it extremely hard to act appropriately to everyday situations. We have been so used to living between extremes that mundane shit is difficult to understand. I am quick to cut off people and move on, while other parts will let us be walked all over instead of setting boundaries or just avoid everything going on - thereby isolating us instead of addressing what needs to be dealt with. Because our self is fragmented, our decisions will fluctuate as different alters front. When one alter makes a decision, the rest will panic, since they believe it was the wrong one, which leads to heavy dissociation and even panic attacks, self destruction and/or flashbacks

I think a lot of people, including us, have this wrong idea of having alters being some sort of superpower where you have experts in all kinds of things who can do tasks for you when you yourself can't handle them. But there's a reason CDDs are classified as severe mental disorders. Being a system isn't a superpower. Being a system is the result of severe childhood trauma, and traumatised people struggle. Of course decision making is hard when the consequences of one misstep could be detrimental for you as a child. When every decision feels like life or death, because that's what PTSD does. We are stuck in the past while time still goes on. It's like living in two dimensions

Idk this ended up very rambly and kinda reassuring towards myself at the end, but I'm gonna keep this in. There's definitely been other alters helping me write this during the last part (yo lol, Sof here). I wanted to make a more coherent post, but hey, this is what DID is like, so just gonna keep it like this

[unstablemotions]

I honestly do want final fusion, but also I kinda know I probably won't be able to do that bc im poor and can't afford specialised care, so like im trying to manage as a system bc that's my only option rn

But man.... I want to be one, coherent person. I want to be able to rely on myself and for others to rely on me instead of constantly switching between alters who have different personalities and skills. I want to not have nightmares every night and flashbacks all the time!!! I want to experience the world without dissociating because its too overwhelming. I want to feel completely safe and not constantly be on edge!!!!

Like ofc I also uhhh dont want to fuse or integrate bc I dont want to face my trauma, but fuck it i cant run from it!! I need to heal!!!!

Im half asleep writing this but yeah just a little DID vent

[forestvnts]

they were so cruel to me. but there's nothing I can do about it; it's done and over with. so why does it still hurt so damn bad?

[chemicalcarousel]

so funny being honest about having DID with my home support guy bc he was like "so, I've only met one of you" lol i know i've switched in front of him multiple times, i just don't tell him bc that's scary. it's very funny bc he noticed once, but he didn't clock it as being "switching alters" but as "oh this subject we talked about made you act different"

people dunno what DID is and it's kinda rough trying to explain that it's not this extreme and obvious thing in most cases. like for ppl who know us, us switching looks like one person having different moods and maybe sometimes an anxiety attack. we all try to use the same name and pronouns. we try to go by one collective identity and we do our best to mask. i told my home support that i got DID bc it's my main disability he needs to know about to help me in my daily life, but otherwise i've only told a few people and only my closest friend knows the names of some of my alters. like it is super vulnerable and triggering to bring up my DID and alters bc they represent my trauma. also because most ppl dunno what DID is and dunno how to react to it. usually i just say i got cptsd if they need to know i got a disability and that's enough really since it's basically the same thing anyway and ppl are less weird about cptsd

i think ppl need to know you probably won't notice a system switching. most systems are covert!!! also a lot of us can mask pretty well! like if someone notices something off about me i'll just say i didn't sleep well last night and i need my coffee and they'll accept it as a valid explanation. everyone has a complex, multifaceted personality - mine is just fragmented and dissociated more than the average person!!

[snowglobe-system]

[imagoodone-iswear]

i wish we could go back to the way we were before.

[just-another-alter-blog]

I doubt I'm the only person who's dealing with this, but I'm feeling quite lonely in being an alter who formed as having an internal age being much older than the body (mid-late 30s), but I formed in our late teens and went dormant in our early 20s? maybe 20-21? And only resurfaced again a few months ago now we are 28.

I feel simultaneously like a depressed teenage girl and a 30-something y/o man. It's very confusing, especially because I'm a fictional introject and I don't really feel like many people would understand how different I am to my "source"? I see myself as looking similar, but this character is a ruthless military commander and I'm the manifestation of teenage girl depression 😅 Like, I remember we used to be extremely depressed and were attempting or at least planning our suicide all the time and we felt like we were the worst person in the world. Uh, I still feel that. I hold all those old feelings of guilt and shame like I'm just "wrong" for just existing. I guess this character had a part of his story being that he hated himself for causing his dad to die by accident and he felt like he could never atone for his sins as he lead people to die on the battlefield as a military commander and had a lot of survivor's guilt. Like, I get why we introjected him, I guess? But I'm feeling so embarrassed by being such a failure of an alter. I guess my whole point as a part is to hold all of these feelings of shame and survivor's guilt from our trauma, but it's hard. I feel like I was supposed to be a big, strong man, but I'm weaker and more fragile than our parts that visually look like children. Or that's how I feel. I think being dormant through some very important years, including me last being host/co-host when we still lived in our abusive home and were wrongly diagnosed/medicated, has made me more "immature" in many ways

I'm actually genuinely shaking right now writing this 😅 I feel like crying. It's so confusing and weird surviving trauma. It's so weird being an introject and not matching your source that much. Idk what to say, but I just need to let some of this out

Anyway, I'm gonna try to be brave and talk more and let myself exist if I can. This healing journey is scary, but uh... I'll do it scared 😅

[reimeichan]

oh sure when actors playing a character with DID or otherwise acting as multiple people in one body switch between alters on screen they're "such a talented actor" and you "get chills" but when I, actual diagnosed DID system, switch in front of you, it's "scary and unnerving" and you "no longer know how to talk to me".

[sysventing]

Sometimes I wish we were a completely endogenic and nondisordered system. DID sucks actually. I’d actually love to wake up to find out that none of that actually happened but we’re still plural, just as a spontaneous system instead of traumagenic.

Mod Wolf 🐺

[ourkingdomofcards]

just in my personal opinion (and after the hell of a morning we've had). emotional amnesia is honestly one of the worst symptoms of DID.

we can know all the therapy skills in the world and be able to present like we know how to manage ourselves. sometimes, we actually can manage ourselves. through shit times, we can be perfectly fine. and it's saved our life more times than we know.

but when it gets bad, all of that goes out the window. when it gets bad, everything feels bad. even though we know there are plenty of good moments in life, and we remember the moments when we felt good about things and try to rationalize, none of it seems like enough when we suddenly don't remember what it actually feels like to be happy. of course it doesn't feel worth it, of course we want to die.

most of the time, though, we can shut out the darkness. flip the switch, turn it off. so everybody thinks we're okay, and maybe even we can think we're okay, but we aren't. or are we? i don't know what i'm supposed to trust.

and how do you... work on that? how do you fix the problems when you can only ever be aware of them when you're alone? after you switch in to find the aftermath of yet another suicide attempt. no doctor has ever been able to understand it because we don't even understand it ourselves. at all. and i'm at a loss for what to do about it, because it's been getting more dangerous over time.

– daniel

[lemony-ink]

there's very little that feels worse than feeling like you made a close friend and having them switch up on you because of changes in the system.

I understand that it can be hard for singlets to process but making every conversation about how you miss a specific alter and how sad you are that the memories with them are gone...

I even comforted him the first times he brought it up but he won't stop, it's been 5 months.

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

i hate having to pretend to be happy because my intense emotional pain is a result of something 99.9% of people would find pathetic and laughable. yeah i felt like i was stabbed in my heart and i cried myself to sleep for a week because i am in love with a fictional character and also i am another fictional character from the same manga. no i can't just "grow up" or "touch grass" and become a normal person who goes on dates with real life people. i am mentally ill and it shouldn't be an insult or shameful to be

[unstablemotions]

DID is such an annoying disorder. Do you know how fucking horrible it is to have ab unreliable memory and being in flashbacks all the time? Not knowing who you'll be at any moment? Being misdiagnosed your entire life because you change by the minute? Not having any treatment options available in your entire country? Not being able to be open about who you are since no one understands and will be afraid of you? Being haunted by things you don't fully remember? Having to drop out of your education and leave your job because of your amnesia, ptsd and fatigue? Losing friends because parts of you are so scared to be ridiculed and rejected again that they isolate? Being retraumatised because parts of you think that their only worth and purpose is to please others?

I could have had a masters degree and a full-time job by now. I could have been married with the love of my life and raise cats together. But I am so fucked up because some people like hurting children and some people don't care to stop it

[sysmedsaresexist]

Something about that last post just really fucking irked me.

Normalize asking questions about your experiences and things you're not clear on

Yesterday, I had to ask some friends a question.

Any uterus having people that have had the electro therapy on their back-- very specific but Google isn't helping

Can the electricity on the lower back cause a period???

Wow, fucking cringe, what a faker, doesn't even know how her own uterus works, how do you make it this far in life and not know this stuff, FAKE UTERUS

I was so embarrassed to ask. I was scared, too.

And yet, I got an answer that I hadn't been able to find on my own.

Yes, it can happen.

Nice!

Well, first off, A, thank God I'm not hurt or dying, that's a relief. B, no one laughed. C, this shit isn't common knowledge.

Even if you think it's obvious, it's not.

Things can be related in the weirdest ways, and sound totally strange at first, and they turn out to be totally normal experiences.

What is dissociation?

Doctors say it's super complicated to understand, don't worry, you're not alone.

What's the difference between normal and pathological dissociation?

Oh, boy, let's sit down for this one.

What's the difference between trauma and abuse?

Fantastic question, first, are you doing okay? Second, it's complicated.

Could these two symptoms be related?

FUCKING PROBABLY, let's talk about it.

All these overgeneralized, sweeping statements, made under the guise of "correcting misinformation," and really only trying to prove people wrong instead of educate, hurt other people with that thing.

"Your doctor is ALWAYS right," fuck you, no they're not. "They know you better than you know yourself." Ohhh, fuck no, that's dangerous. "You MUST fit the criteria 😤."

The criteria:

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO HELP?

Because you're failing spectacularly at doing any kind of good for the community you want to "help".

You lost the point so hard that your posts are now actively dangerous to people with CDDs that don't think clinically enough for you. You lost the point when you use papers that directly contradict each other over basic facts, and don't even realize it in your rush to be "right".

"Trust your doctor 100%," about any other disorder, would get you instantly canceled. Are you overweight? A POC? A woman? Trans? A combination? Well, you're fucked.

You, yourself, have probably never thought that.

So why did you say it?

Who cares what they're calling themselves, who cares whether the term is clinical, are they getting the help and support they need? Can we help clarify anything for them?

Using a people focused approach in therapy is totally fine, THIS HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE. It may be a doctor-focused issue, but it's not a treatment issue. In other words, for every doctor that prefers a parts focused approach, there's one that'll use a people focused approach just fine, if that's what you want to do. Good job getting into therapy, congrats! That's what's important.

"Fictives," are so well documented that complaining about them is laughable.

Alters can take years to come forward after events, and may latch onto a character years after their actual formation. Who cares if the person can pinpoint the cause, or if they don't even care enough to try, are they getting the help and support they need???

Instead of saying, "that's impossible," let's start asking, "how can I help?"

Instead of saying, "your opinion is wrong," let's address actual misinformation. Talk to pro/endos about the trauma basis of DID. That matters a fuck ton more than whatever you're arguing about.

Instead of laughing at people who don't know things, learn to socialize and present corrections in a pleasant conversation. God forbid you're seen "being nice," to the other side.

As a very good friend said, better than I ever could, this whole "prioritizing research always over listening to others' lived experiences" is just the plural version of "academic theory on queer experiences is most important." You need both.

Many things can be true, all at the same time. Opinions are onions, they all make me cry or whatever the saying is. Single research papers should never be used generally. If you put all the papers together, anything is possible. This paper doesn't specifically talk about that thing so it's not possible.

Another paper, just a click away:

Are people happy, healthy, and feeling supported in their life?

Fantastic, that's what matters.

This blog is open to basic questions that people are scared to ask. I would also highly recommend sending @cdd-safe-haven those kinds of questions. It's completely unrelated to syscourse, hopefully the information will help more people.

[chemicalcarousel]

Hi I'm gonna be so brave now, but hi Erwin here, I'm super scared about existing and I'm literally shaking and holding back tears right now haha 😅 I'm uh... lowkey in an emotional flashback and I'm trying to be super brave and just sit with it and be kind to myself and be proud and happy that I didn't go through with some of my suicide plans in the past. I was a host when we were in our late teens and I recently came out of dormancy. I hope it's a sign of healing. I don't know, I feel so scared but relieved in a way? Like I'm free in a sense? Idk maybe I'm finally realising I am not having to endure abuse anymore. I don't have to let myself be used. I don't have to kill myself. God, I'm actually crying now. I really need a hug haha. Idk I'm just... It actually over? We survived? Like I thought we wouldn't. I thought we'd die and I never really wanted to die. I just felt like I needed to die to spare others because I was somehow ruining my family's life by existing. I wanted the pain to stop, but I wanted to experience the world and I was mourning not being able to go travel and try things as I was preparing the noose to hang myself in our garden

I'm alive and I don't have to let anyone use me ever again. I can just say no. I don't need to let myself be abused. I can walk away. I can fight back. Man... I did not expect myself to have this moment on a random Tuesday night, but here we are. I'm feeling so happy? Idk... Like.... Fuck... Idk how I'm alive. Shit.... Thank god...

Man... we haven't cried in ages and it feels good to finally let it out. Idk man... I'm at a loss for words kinda (I say after a long rant)

Anyway, I'm gonna stop this rambling now before I repeat myself even more times over. But we survived... fuck...

[snowglobe-system]

Other polyfrag/complex DID systems, hey how the fuck do you guys do this? We're so overwhelmed. There's so much and we can't make heads or tails of any of it and we keep feeling so invalid because we're not as differentiated as smaller systems. How are we supposed to keep track of anything with our system? Like it's a genuine question how do we figure this out i'm so lost