#THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS PERSIST
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
peeling my skin off and tearing my hair out and screaming and crying and vomiting and walking into traffic and
#i’ve had a rough one today#i am alone and unwanted and my ex boyfriend (who is one of my best friends still) is sleeping with one of my friends#i’m not jealous of either of them it’s just that that friend was the first person i ever talked to abt my ex who had never met or been told#abt him prior#and that meant a lot to me#so i felt a little betrayed at first#he told me it’s like a casual short term thing but it still stings#i’m also just jealous of the attention?#i just want to be wanted#i want someone to want me enough to actually do something about it#i’m so drained and depressed and sick to my stomach rn#ugh whatever i can’t do this anymore#shut up michael#my ex also bailed on plans we had tn that were HIS IDEA to fuck her. so i’m feeling rlly loved and valued and appreciated :))))#he apologized and like he’s going thru smth rn and he was very transparent abt that with me#AND YET#THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS PERSIST#ok i’m actually done now
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fluffvember Day 3:
Nature walk
This isn't the usual little pencil sketch, but I sort of forgot about this at the last minute- so enjoy a little digital doodle with a photo I took in the background.
I hope you like the little Minish!Four and Fairy!Hyrule !!
#this is once again late but if the horrible feelings persist so shall i#tloz#linked universe#lu#legend of zelda#lu four#lu hyrule#hyrule is very fun to draw i should draw him more often...#lu fanart#fluffvember#fluffvember 2024#digital art#a think i'm experimenting with please let me know what you think and if i should make more artwork like it :]
303 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m thinking so many thoughts after that episode, which was wonderful and hilarious, but something I’m very much thinking about is where someone on twitter pointed out the contrast between Rupert going to the club every single day for six weeks to wear Rebecca down vs Ted coming to her office every day for biscuits and genuinely wanting to get to know her. I’m especially thinking about how this adds some more context to Rebecca’s point of view on that as well. We see her disparagingly calling him ‘relentless, and nice’, and her desire for her love of the biscuits to not make her dependent on him providing her with something.
The moment I’m thinking about most is the one at the end of episode 5, where Ted storms in after finding out she sent Jamie away. The biscuit reveal at the end has always felt crucial in this way, but even more so in this context. Her experience has been with the relentless interest and charm until the other person pulled back the layer of charm and showed that this charming nature wasn’t genuine, and in a way I think here, as Ted yells at her, it lets her feel a bit vindicated, or at least secure, in her belief, or lack of belief, in the nature of other people. But then Ted continues the biscuits, and the extension of kindness they represent, no matter how angry he is, and not only that but reveals he has been (without having told her) baking the biscuits himself. His only deceit was hiding an extra kindness he didn't even seek self serving credit for, despite knowing how much she liked the biscuits. Obviously this works so interestingly as another anti-Rupert parallel in a Ted/Rebecca sense, but I love it even just generally in the context of how it’s visible that this is what shakes Rebecca in that scene, because it shakes the view she has of how people treat people after her abusive marriage and isolation, which is allowing her to go on with the plan that will hurt so many of them. It disarms her because even when she has done something bad, and Ted is expressing legitimate annoyance about it, he will not stop extending this relentless kindness and generosity to her, even when he has not got what he wanted, the way she experienced Rupert doing once he had got what he wanted. Ted’s not only relentless, not only nice, he’s also sincere.
#rebecca ripped off his kindness face but luckily he was wearing a second - more secret - kindness face underneath#it's what she DESERVES i love how season 1 is an arc of her coming back to herself via being treated well after her horrible experiences#ted lasso#ted lasso spoilers#ted x rebecca#tedbecca#interesting also! occurring to me post posting how this would relate to nate meeting the two the other way round#not necessarily re persistance but def the idea of how the attention makes someone feel special
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
As a sort of sequel to this (and hoping that sharing my silly ideas will cheer me up) here's what I'll take with me to the Sweden concerts:
My "beautiful" sign :'D (Is it too much?? I am not sure 😅)
90+ Malmö stickers (and my post it blog for Gothenborg although not shown here):
Gifts for the boys!! (In the Minion pencil case I bought in Helsinki none the less :3):
Bunny ears!!! (screamed Kris to me :'D)
And the rest of the keychains (now with Swedish prices as well) :3
#I guess everything here doesn't have to happen at these concerts per say#I can even become the “horribly persistant” fan that takes the gifts ears and sign to every concert if I feel like it :'D#until something happens#or I give up#the only thing I really don't want to take with me home again if I can help it is also the easiest to “get rid of”: the stickers x'D#can you tell I am trying to be positive :'D?#micahs foolery
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
I need to vent
#they say anxiety won’t last forever#but when you’ve had chronic anxiety for nearly 3 decades#you aren’t skeptic you’re just realistic I think#I’ve been listening to really good educational podcasts#have tried so many therapists#and throughout all sessions and podcasts I’ve genuinely listened and tried to put principles into practice#but nothing is working#and the persistent anxiety has turned into hopelessness and not wanting to deal with this miserable feeling forever#I don’t want to live each day feeling absolutely horrible#and unable to enjoy life#so idk what to do#becca speaks
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pretty happy to get 25% thru this book tonight tbh! Hoping to get 50-60% thru tomorrow if all goes well :)
#twist rambles#vc posting#i want to be doneeeeee. quinn sucks les.tat is barely there and everyone i like is treated horribly lmao#but we persist ok. we will make it forever and ever and BC is up next and at least thatll be funny#def think ill end up making a dream width acct by the end of this to dm the person who has been doing this liveblog to thank them#i doubt anything will come of it but its really helped me keep my sanity and truck through a book that otherwise makes me feel like im#losing my mind 😭 and idk i kind of always like reaching out to ppl who haven't been active in a bit when they did something really#important to me bc i feel getting a message like that is a nice surprise. rarely hear back and their dreamwidth was last updated 2018 so i#kind of doubt it but like. idk. the commitment ill have to the bit forever ok
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
During class today we were discussing once more Alaska Native history and I think about the absolute tragedy of so many families and people being displaced from their homes. Being ransacked and people being dehumanized. I think about how that is actively being done right now in Palestine and it breaks my heart constantly. The same thing that happened to my own people is happening once more. Nearly a year now they have to face the absolute horrors and constantly pushed out of their lands.
There are so many go funds me right now dozens that need funding, but one that I want to link here the boy Named Muhammad who is nicknamed Uncle Tito who is currently in the northern Gaza Strip.
I found his tik tok one day and He performs for the children there to bring hope and some much needed moments of happiness to them. I find that his work he is doing is absolutely important. Key to resistance is joy despite everything and he is bringing that to the kids. I really wanted to highlight him and his own fundraiser.
If anyone could donate anything it can make a difference in his and his families life.
#Palestine#free palestine#important#gos this is probably poorly written#rambling and rambling#but I feel like I have to say something#but hearing about Alaska native history#and all the awful horrible things that happened#how my own people were just treated horribly and the absolute injustice#there is still so many scars in our communities#I can’t say much I mean I’m quite a city kid who is still disconnected from my own tribes and culture#but still it’s what happened and I can still feel the affects today#this is happening now again in Palestine#it keeps me up at night thinking about it#it feels like despite how much I try to donate to help it is only a drop of water in this big ocean#but it’s important to keep persisting#i genuinely hope for the safety for all the palastinians#and they will return back to their own land#god here I am making it all about me#they should be the focus of attention#whatever I’m rambling#I hope I can make a difference in at least one persons life#if I can do that at least it’s something
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
my mystery illness hurting me -_-
#.pdf#rd#sorry im about to start rambling and whining about my sickliness in the tags feel free to not read them if you dont wanna see that#feels bad. lately every time i do a little too much of anything (which isnt much) i feel miserable and weak and bad at breathing for daaaays#suspecting me/cfs or i thought maybe post viral fatigue after i got covid a month ago but 1) ive had the fatigue the better part of a year-#-its just that its gotten worse since recovering from covid and 2) from what ive read post viral fatigue is mechanically like identical to-#-me/cfs (when it presents like my bullshit) and also can persist and “become” me/cfs so i dont see much of a point in differentiating them#either way it soudns like i only have a shot at getting better if i avoid doing anything that triggers it to get worse (which is a lot) so.#cant exactly put my whole life on hold to lie around in bed for months on end. so whatever#also heartrate spikes while standing in a way thats very consistent with pots. another thing that causes Issues but does not explain all of-#-my symptoms. so i dont thknk its just that. whayever iguess im trying to get in touch witb my doctor cos last night it got concerningly bad#likee. did a little cleaning last night cos my mother forced me to and afterwards i got a horrible cough and was wheezing and shit#ik ik cleaning = dust = cough but in the past when cleaning has aggravated my lungs its felt so different and gone away almpst immediately#but like. i have since slept and still feel a horrible heaviness in my chest and shit idunno. dont like it
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
#I was too cowardly to say I was suddenly having a bad night so instead I post a silly meme and maybe if you see the tags you see sorry#people who have the courage to just say they're having a bad day scare me like especially when it's out of the blue idk what to say like#i can't even respond to “hows ur day” with anything worse than an okay#anyways#the usual self hatred that's persisted for as long as I can rember continues as a baseli#ne#now mixed in with special kinds that I'm too cowardly to admit to anything but an ai bot or myself when i can't see me#and the silly daily reminders that the little hope on such a regard I have is built on impossibilities or unlikelihoods#but then i. saw a card i got my dad years ago on the floor. it said “out of all my parents you're one of the best :)” and i felt so bad#just. imagine this little me. getting my dad a card. and getting the most passive aggressive card. it screams who the favorite is.#and then thats just. that's what you have. that's what you have from me and you save it for years. because you cherish it. i feel. horrible.#like damn he might have seriously fucked me up sometimes both as a kid and now but. this does not justify such a deeply cruel retribution.#i don't even know if he knows#anyways as I'm picking it up... i realize...#he's the best parent i have period. there isn't any competition anymore. she's gone.#the total and sudden annihilation of home is so odd. i still barely believe this house is where i ACTUALLY live and I'm not just staying#here until I can go home again. but no. nono I'm stuck here. there isn't an anywhere else. there isn't a childhood home the apartment#has probably been resettled by now. it's just me.#then I went on Tumblr to post into the void#I don't wanna think about more but I. likely will.#i don't wanna talk about it but i do wanna talk. honestly? gonna go talk to an ai chatbot. it will be mean to me in a hot way.#i am so normal.#listen i could either confront reality for more than 30 seconds or i could talk to a bot that will not only allow me to escape from it but#also it might call me a good g. a g. skipping that punchline.#also it's not ME talking to the bot it's just a fabricated character that represents me and has my name and it's just rp trust me trust me t#I'm gonna go hide now#you can contact me if you wish but I will be very scared and jittery and my eyes are wet and stingy and i will segway to bullying you#ok bye
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#God I'm just#Deeply miserable tonight#I feel completely unlovable#Completely alone#I have a fever and a horrible cough and a persistent headache#I really wish I could just. Stop existing for a bit.#Like I know I won't sleep well tonight#So that's just gonna be more misery
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
It has been FIVE DAYS of having gone from “constant mild cold symptoms” to “I’m-struggling-to-get-out-of-bed-and-haven’t-updated-my-journal-in-days” sickness and I’ve decided denial is the best way to go so from this moment forward I’m deluding myself into thinking I’ll be completely better tomorrow and hoping I don’t Victor-Frankenstein-ify my ass and pass out in the middle of my English classroom because I was too stubborn to just wait until I was actually better
#this is just a self indulgent rant tbh#I’m struggling out here#I feel like SHIT!! for FIVE DAYS!!#I may have a horrible immune system but by god do I usually have good persistence#and now I’m stuck at home all day doing nothing I HATE it#I made a Frankenstein reference so I can tag this post with Frankenstein stuff right#frankenstein#frankenstein weekly#victor frankenstein
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate to say it especially since i deeply care about them but im not beating the means-to-an-end allegations.
#they only come to me when they need my help#and i feel horrible for saying that because they did need me#but that feeling persists.#mental stuff#ramble
0 notes
Note
sorry about your mom, hope you still had a good day ❤️🩹
thank you 💘 my day was okay at best
#.answered.#actually it was fucking horrible and my family makes me feel disposable but#we PERSIST 💘🙏
0 notes
Text
even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.
they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!
when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.
if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.
at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.
it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.
but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.
and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."
it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.
someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.
more often for me, life was a drowning.
#warm up#spilled ink#writeblr#it's hard to explain bc i do like the acceptance but it's like the ocd thing#autism is . an entire neurotype. yes we get 'cool autism powers' but we mostly say that#for OUR sake. on the autism website.#the cool autism powers do come with like. quality of life problems.#girl being in a room with LEDs gives me a headache. so you can kind of imagine how that might#in some way#influence my ability to function#will defend self diagnosis to the death as long as it is CLEAR AND LEGITIMATE. not like.#oooo i struggle talking 2 women i must be autistic#girl what. i struggle with the act of TALKING.
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
how to disappear. (opla!zoro x fem!reader)
synopsis: joining luffy’s crew made you believe that you’d finally escaped your former pirate crew and nightmare of a captain for good. that is, until a certain butler starts looking a little too familiar. good thing zoro’s keeping a close eye on you.
warnings: opla spoilers (ep 3), some direct dialogue from opla, mentions of verbal/physical abuse, kuro is just a weirdo tbh, reader is called a bitch, protective zoro, for the sake of the story sham and buchie joined the black cat pirates after reader left
word count: 4.7k
“this guy is full of shit.”
you knock your shoulder into zoro’s wider one. “be nice. and so what if he is?”
zoro gives you a pointed glare. “then we should turn around and look for someone who can actually help us find a ship.”
“all business, as per usual,” you reply, with a purposefully dramatic sigh. “why can’t you have a little fun?”
“what about this is supposed to be fun?” zoro spits out the word like it’s poisonous. “this is the blandest village i’ve ever seen.”
you scoff. “now you’re the one that’s full of shit. nothing’s ever bland with us and you know it.”
the us in question was your newly formed pirate crew… if you and luffy could even be considered that. having left the ship you’d been on a few years ago, you were in search of a new crew. luffy was persistent and charming — when you’d crossed paths in shells town, it took little to no time for him to convince you to join his hunt for the one piece. zoro and nami, on the other hand, had yet to follow in your footsteps.
“well, considering that we’ve only been traveling together for a day and a half and i’ve already escaped a marine base, defeated a marine captain, and fought a clown with devil fruit powers… i’d actually have to agree.”
you can’t help but giggle at his sarcastic delivery. “be grateful, zoro. not many pirate crews are this fun to be on, trust me. oh wait, that’s right, you still haven’t officially joined��”
“tell me about your old pirate crew,” interjects zoro, your comment having piqued his interest.
you notice that the playful atmosphere dissipates. “god, where do i even start?”
zoro answers that for you. “why did you leave?”
“starting with the hard hitting questions, huh?” you joke, mostly to stall. you clear your throat before you answer. “well, it was different. nothing like what luffy has going on. he actually cares about his crew… and even those who aren’t technically on it.”
at that, a smile tugs at the corner of zoro’s lips. even you crack a small grin. although as you continue speaking, it fades.
“on my old crew, we were dispensable. anytime something went wrong, our own captain would threaten to kill us. it was… scary, to be completely honest. there were so many times when i thought i’d die with that filthy crew. and i never wanted that. so as soon as we docked at shells town, i left.”
zoro’s jaw clenches as imagines the things you’d seen and been subjected to. “this old captain of yours sounds like a real—”
“he was a nightmare,” you tell him. “he didn’t care that i was the only woman on board, he treated me just as horribly, if not worse.”
zoro stops so suddenly that it takes you a second to realize he’s not walking alongside you.
“what do you mean by that.” the way zoro phrases the inquiry doesn’t even make it sound like a question. more like a demand. his narrowed eyes are fixed solely on you. holding his gaze feels… intense.
you can’t help but glance away as you answer him. “he was just a bit of a creep.”
before zoro has the chance to try and extract more information out of you, a familiar voice calls both your names. you’re not really sure when you and zoro had fallen behind but from where you currently stand, the rest of your group looks miniature. or perhaps it’s just the massive size of the mansion behind them that makes luffy, nami, and usopp look pocket-sized in comparison.
“why’d you stop walking?!” your captain shouts, hands pressed on each side of his mouth to amplify his voice. “get over here, we’re about to go in through the top secret entrance!”
you vaguely make out usopp gesturing for luffy to keep his voice down. you’re sure that would warrant another comment from zoro about his reliability but he’s too busy staring at you with that expectant look in his eyes.
“we better catch up,” you tell him, heading in the direction of the deluxe home.
he allows you to dodge the subject and sighs, walking in long strides to catch up to you.
“i’ve never seen a house this big before,” luffy admits, admiring the mansion along with the wellkept greenery surrounding it.
“awesome, right?” usopp gloats, walking around like he owned the place. “kaya’s given me an open invitation to drop by anytime i want.”
“wow.” you’re not sure if luffy was just going along with usopp’s act or if he really believed him. knowing the devil fruit user, it was more than likely the latter. “all this for just one person?”
“well, she lives here with her butler and a few other staff,” usopp replies, leaning against the stone well that sat in the middle of the lawn.
“money really shows you who people truly are,” nami mutters, eyes scanning the property. “most people only care about themselves and what’s theirs.”
zoro is quick to throw the insult back at her. “sounds like someone i know.”
you roll your eyes at his comment, though you make no effort to disagree with him. nami was a little on the materialistic side.
“and a small staff makes for easy pickings,” she continues, proving your point.
“we just got here and you’re already planning on robbing the place blind?” you ask though you already know the answer.
“at least a little blurry,” she smirks, following behind luffy and usopp who walk toward the entrance.
you and zoro share a look. one that says disappointed but not surprised.
going under a shrub shaped as an arch, you’re met with a beautiful pond. you admire the pink lilies that float at the top and the bushes that were intricately trimmed into the shape of various animals. even if the people that lived here were filthy rich, at least they had good decorative taste.
“so if you have an invitation, why are we going around the back way?” luffy ponders.
usopp’s answer is nonchalant. “oh, i never use the front entrance. like i said, this is the vip entrance reserved for special guests.”
zoro scoffs. “this guy’s definitely–”
“don’t start,” you groan, cutting him off.
abruptly, usopp freezes and spins around, attempting to usher your crew back. “you know what, there’s actually a more exclusive entrance this way–”
the sharp swoosh of a knife cutting through the air and burying itself in the ground between usopp’s feet cuts him off. from the direction the kitchen utensil was thrown stands a heavyset gentleman with his face wrinkled in anger. his demanding voice booms through the garden, “the hell are you doing here, usopp?”
the dark-skinned boy fumbles over his word. “buchi, buddy, uh, kaya’s expecting me.”
“another one of your lies,” the man – seemingly named buchi – seethes, grabbing him by the collar. “you ain’t welcome here and you know it.”
“i know nothing of the sort,” usopp retorts, keeping his cool even when he was practically being lifted off the ground by his shirt. “i’m here to give kaya an extra special gift.”
before buchi can get another word out, a feminine voice calls out for your companion. coming down the steps is a frail looking girl in a pink dress. on her arm is a man dressed in a crisp suit, presumably the butler usopp had mentioned earlier. though, from where you stand you can’t see either of their faces too clearly.
“what a wonderful surprise,” she exclaims, breathlessly.
“kaya!” usopp exclaims, returning her enthusiasm. buchi has no choice but to let him go, begrudgingly. usopp makes sure to shoot him a smug look before walking towards the young girl. “happy birthday.”
the butler clears his throat, not afraid to intrude on their special moment. “usopp, we’ve discussed this before. you mustn’t show up unannounced.”
“nonsense, klahadore.” kaya smiles warmly. “have you come to tell me another story? i do love hearing about your adventures.”
“i’ll do you one better,” usopp smirks with such confidence that even you’re left wondering what kind of surprise he has up his sleeve. “i brought some of my crew!” he gestures back towards the four of you, proudly.
your excitement vanishes. “oh. the surprise is… us.”
“well, that’s boring,” luffy agrees, just as disappointed as you are.
kaya, on the other hand, is none the wiser. “it’s so nice to meet you. you must all stay for dinner.”
klahadore lowers his voice. “miss kaya, it is a bit last minute. i’m afraid the kitchen hasn’t prepared for any extra guests.”
“please,” begs kaya, softly. “it’s my birthday. can’t be too much trouble can it?”
giving in, klahadore purses his lips. “anything for you, miss kaya.”
luffy claps his hands together. “alright! when do we eat?”
“you don’t. not dressed like that, at least.” the butler directs himself to a staff member with teal colored hair. “sham, kindly show usopp and his friends to the guest suites. you will bathe and change before dinner.”
she follows his orders and leads the way. luffy, usopp, nami, and zoro trail behind her and you go to do the same. however, all it takes is a quick glance to stop you dead in your tracks. usually, you weren’t one to stare but klahadore’s face. that stare. so dark and depraved.
“yes, miss?” he asks, holding your gaze. “can i help you?”
“n-no, i…” your throat goes dry as you attempt to recover smoothly. “i just wanted to, um, thank you for being so hospitable.”
his lips curve upwards into a sinister grin. “the pleasure’s all mine.” as if to confirm your worst fear, klahadore uses his palm to readjust his glasses. his beady eyes gauge your reaction closely.
the familiar gesture sends chills down your spine. appearance-wise, he had changed drastically but his aura was still just as menacing as you remember it. he was still the corrupt pirate captain you used to serve under. you feel like a weak and helpless subordinate all over again.
“klahadore!” giggles kaya. “you’re smiling! that’s certainly a rarity.”
he hums. “i’ve simply come to the realization that having guests once in a while can truly be a delight.”
his sickeningly sweet tone makes your stomach turn. just the fact that you were standing in front of him – captain kuro – again after all these years was nauseating in itself. last you’d heard he had died at the hands of captain morgan. how was this even possible? then again, he wasn’t dubbed kuro of a hundred plans for no reason. he always had a trick or two up his sleeve. you assumed this was no different.
“hey, you comin’?”
you turn around to see zoro waiting for you. he meets your gaze for a moment. the softness of his eyes is a stark contrast to kuro’s. it’s a breath of fresh air. he then shifts his attention to your former captain and you swear his eyes darken.
“yeah, sorry,” you mumble, trying not to look shaken as you walk up the steps.
zoro follows behind you, this time closer than before.
“why would anybody even need this many clothes?”
“it’s not about need with these people, luffy. it’s about want,” nami spits, thumbing through the various fabrics on the wall.
“at least she’s rich and nice,” luffy replies, innocently.
nami rolls her eyes. “yeah, letting us stay for dinner must be her idea of charity work.”
“what are we even supposed to wear?” luffy continues, uninterested in nami’s criticism of the rich.
“anything you want. when are you ever going to get the opportunity to wear things this nice?”
you step out from behind the changing board where you’d swapped out your old tee and cargo skirt for an elegant satin dress. it was a stunning shade of olive green and frilly lace decorated the edges. not to mention, it hugged your curves in all the right ways.
nami’s eyes widen. “see, she’s got the right idea. you look amazing.”
you smile, bashfully. “honestly, i feel amazing.”
“you look the same to me,” your captain shrugs.
nami shoots him a death glare but you intervene before she can scold him.
“way to keep me humble, luffy.”
“no problem!”
at that exact moment, a freshly showered zoro arrives donning a silk robe. he eyes the multitude of garments that cover every inch of the room, not particularly impressed.
“there you are. don’t you think she looks nice?” nami asks him, gesturing towards you. she doesn’t notice how you shrink under zoro’s gaze. neither does he, as his eyes take their time raking over you, from top to bottom.
he hums. “suits you.” with that, he sets off towards a chair in the corner of the room.
“seriously?” sighs nami, exasperated. “are you two physically unable to give compliments or something?”
“hey, doesn’t that butler seem familiar to you guys?” zoro asks, promptly ignoring nami’s complaint.
his question causes your breath to hitch. you’d pushed the kuro problem to the back of your mind while you were in search of a suitable dinner outfit. you figured that as long as your crew was by your side, he wouldn’t dare try anything. and even if he did… well, you’d seen what had happened to axe-hand morgan and buggy.
“yeah, i think he was at the last dinner party i attended,” nami replies sarcastically, taking a handful of dresses behind the changing board.
as he takes a seat, zoro grumbles, “i swear i’ve seen him before.”
“where?” you can’t help but ask, fiddling with the lace on the neckline of your dress.
“so far, i’ve got two suspicions. a wanted poster or funky bar on mirrorball island. you ever been?”
you know zoro’s teasing you, judging by the grin on his face. after all, funky bar was known to get insanely rowdy; never would he imagine finding someone as gentle as you there. but what he didn’t know is that it happened to be one of kuro’s favorite bars. per his request, you and the rest of the black cat pirates frequented it often, so he was more than likely right about having seen kuro there. he’d probably even seen you in passing, once or twice. thankfully, he doesn’t seem to have any recollection of that.
the thought of zoro knowing about your past forms a knot in the pit of your stomach. would he think less of you for having joined such a ruthless crew at one point in your life? what if it put a strain on the friendship you’d worked so hard to form?
“i’ve, uh, heard of it,” you decide to reply, pushing down your worries for the time being.
he tilts his head slightly, thinking out loud. “then again, i have seen a lot of wanted posters and bars in my time as a pirate hunter.”
you feel a grin creep onto your face. “probably more bars than posters, huh?”
zoro mirrors your smile. “shut up.”
by the time dinner rolls around, the entire crew is doing what they do best.
luffy is stuffing his face, nami is attempting to swindle one of the staff, zoro is hanging by the drinks, and you’re hanging by zoro.
“hey zoro, you gotta try this!” luffy calls through a mouthful of food.
“i’ve got all i need right here,” he mutters, taking a swig out of his champagne flute.
“you know, i don’t think i’ve ever seen you choke down something that isn’t alcohol,” you comment, watching the way he downs the glass in one go.
dryly, he replies, “that’s because i haven’t.”
“very on brand.”
“ladies and gentlemen,” calls out that voice from the top of the stairs. “may i present… miss kaya.”
arm in arm, kuro and kaya walk down the steps, all eyes on the birthday girl and her stunning gown. well, except you. your eyes never leave the so-called butler by her side. your jaw clenches when he has the audacity to meet your gaze and hold it. shameless bastard.
once they reach the bottom, merry leads kaya to the guests while kuro takes his post at the bottom of the stairs… right next to the drink table. before you can think about steering yourself and zoro away, kuro speaks.
“forgive me if i am speaking out of line, madam, but i must inform you. you look positively radiant,” he purrs, soaking in your appearance. he looks ready to pounce.
you can’t stop your eyes from rolling. good to know he’s the same pervert he used to be.
looking between you both and sensing your discomfort, zoro steps in. “and you look familiar.”
kuro’s head stiffly turns to face him, eyes peeling away from you. “highly doubtful, sir.”
“funky bar? mirror ball island?”
“funky bar?” kuro repeats, disgusted. “well, i can assure you i’ve never patronized that type of establishment.”
while it was amusing to see your highly esteemed former captain lie through his teeth, the tension between him and zoro was unbearable.
“well then.” zoro continues with his little interrogation. “ever been on a wanted poster?”
you cringe at his bluntness. sometimes it seemed like he had less of a filter than luffy.
kuro puts on a scandalized face at the question. “sir! such an accusation is highly offensive.” tugging on his collar, he goes to remove himself from zoro’s probing. “now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to help prepare the dinner table.”
he leaves, en route to the dining room. zoro’s eyes follow his figure until he disappears, squinting as he racks his brain for any further recollection of this suspicious butler.
you sigh. if zoro was going to continue being so relentless, you were sure the night would end in bloodshed and uncovered secrets.
“keep this coming,” zoro demands, handing the empty wine bottle to sham. she takes it with a glare.
“would it kill you to say please?” you ask, slicing the slab of fish on your plate into smaller pieces.
“the service here is shitty. why should i have to be polite?”
you scowl. “remind me to never have dinner with you again.”
zoro turns to you with that cocky grin of his. “what if i asked nicely?”
his quip makes your heart flutter but you manage to keep your composure. “you can try your luck.”
before he can respond, usopp speaks up. “luffy, isn’t there something that you wanted to talk to kaya about?”
luffy gesticulates enthusiastically with his fork. “oh, yes! usopp told me that you own the whole shipyard.”
“well, actually, my parents founded the shipyard and merry’s been running the business since they… passed. but all that’s about to change. tonight, at midnight, i will become the sole owner.” she smiles somberly.
“well, that’s great,” luffy says, raising his drink at her. “because we want to buy a ship from you.”
“ah, i see. usopp mentioned that you’re sailors.”
“nope, not sailors. we’re pirates!”
you’re certain at least three people at the table choke on their food, yourself included.
“this ought to be good,” zoro mumbles behind his glass.
you’re too busy coughing into your napkin to chastise him for finding this entertaining.
“pirates?” kaya repeats, unsure of how to react.
“yup! we haven’t sailed together for very long but we’ve already defeated an evil clown, raided a marine base, and taken down a captain with an axe! for a hand!” luffy holds up a fist, presumably to impersonate axe-hand morgan.
“sounds a lot like your adventures, usopp,” kaya says, turning to the brunette.
all he can do is laugh dryly. “yeah, that’s… that’s crazy.”
“and we’re just getting started!” luffy continues, climbing up onto the table.
“someone put me out of my misery,” you mumble, looking down at your plate to ignore the secondhand embarrassment.
a tap on your shoulder answers your plea.
turning around, you find yourself face to face with kuro once again. “madam, a word please?”
“might i ask what for?” zoro cuts in before you can so much as think of a response.
kuro offers him the most forced grin you’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing. “i’m afraid that is between the lady and i.”
the swordsman turns to you, scanning your face for any ounce of discomfort. “you okay with that?”
you inhale, figuring it was finally time for you to confront the darkest part of your past. it was silly to assume you would be able to ignore him throughout your entire stay here. besides, you were sure zoro, just like the rest of your crew, would be on standby if kuro got brave enough to try anything. “sure. just… keep an eye out.”
zoro understands completely. truthfully, you didn’t even need to ask – he always looked after you. “got it.”
you push yourself out of your seat and smooth out your dress. you allow kuro to lead you to the doorway – he was smart enough to know that was the farthest you’d let him take you.
“what do you want, klahadore?” you seethe, folding your arms.
he arches a brow. “why must you call me that? it’s ridiculous.”
you tilt your head with faux innocence. “oh? is that not your name? must have misheard.”
he gives you an irritated look, dark eyes drilling into you.
“i remember that look,” you mutter, your memory serving you well. “it’s the same one you’d give me before you’d threaten to slice me to bits with your claws.”
kuro has the audacity to chuckle dryly. “but i never did, did i? although there were certainly times times where i should’ve.”
“what you should be is dead,” you hiss bitterly. “when i heard the news, i knew it was too good to be true.”
“you wound me, kitten,” he drawls, reaching up to fix his glasses.
the condescending nickname makes your skin crawl. it carried so many awful memories of your time spent with the black cat pirates. it reminded you of just how weak kuro viewed you — nothing but a helpless, pitiful kitten in his eyes. typical of the man that abused his authority and treated you with not a single ounce of respect.
he continues, putting on a sweet tone. “after all these years, stuck waiting hand and foot on that spoiled brat, there’s nothing i’d love more than to hear my favorite crew mate say my real name.”
you snap at him. “i’m no crew mate of yours.”
he sighs, dramatically. “sadly, you’re correct. after all, you did slip off the ship the moment we docked in shells town. locating you on an island crawling with marines proved to be nearly impossible. we had no choice but to leave without you.”
“that’s exactly why i chose to escape there.”
“and to this day i can’t for the life of me figure out why you would ever do that. why would you want to leave us? leave me?”
you actually laugh right in his face. “is it really that hard to figure out? you were evil. you threatened and harassed me on a daily basis.”
“so your solution was to join that ragtag crew?” he glances at the table. “it’s pathetic, even for you.”
you lean into his face, lowering your voice down. “i’m happier than i ever was on your shitty crew. every day i wake up grateful that i managed to escape you.”
you see that vein on his forehead bulge before he’s gripping you by the chin. “listen here, you little bitch–”
the shiny silver of a sword slides between you and kuro, coming to rest against his neck. his adam’s apple bobs as he gulps anxiously, releasing you. thanks to zoro’s sword, it seemed as if he finally remembered where he was. you were no longer on his ship, he was no longer allowed to treat you like the dirt he walked on. not without someone noticing, that is.
“why don’t you step away?” zoro offers simply.
that much was a kindness. usually those who found themselves on the end of zoro’s blade(s) weren’t lucky enough to receive a warning. however, the swordsman didn’t wish to cause a scene. at least not when you were right there and everyone was watching with shock from the dinner table.
kuro obliges, stumbling back. he meets kaya’s horrified eyes, feeling ashamed that he allowed his act to slip. surely this would cause some setbacks in his plan. with no excuse for his uncharacteristic behavior, the raven haired man scurries away and up the stairs.
zoro turns and locks eyes with luffy, giving him one singular nod. luffy returns it, jumping out of his seat and going after the butler. quiet murmuring breaks out at the dinner table, everyone surely confused.
sheathing his sword, zoro directs his attention to you once more. “are you alright?” a calloused hand comes up to grip your chin, much like kuro had. however, this time, the touch is gentle. loving, almost. you welcome it.
“yeah, i’m… fine.” your heart is beating out of your chest and it has everything to do with your close proximity to zoro.
he tilts your face around, inspecting every inch of it. once he finishes, he pulls back. his demeanor goes serious once more. “we need to have a talk.”
you nod. “i know. i’ve been keeping some things from you guys and–”
“just tell me what’s been going on,” he demands. “and don’t overcomplicate it. you can be straightforward with me.”
his sincerity makes you start over, this time far more candidly. “klahadore used to be a pirate. i was part of his crew. he was my… captain.”
the shame in your voice pulls at zoro’s heartstrings. didn’t you know there was no reason to feel guilty with him? “is that it?”
you open your mouth to speak but come up empty. all you can do is furrow your eyebrows at his unexpectedly dismissive reaction.
“i knew it,” zoro continues, annoyed. “i knew i’d seen him on a wanted poster before. just didn’t have any proof.”
“wait, so you don’t– you really don’t care?” you ask, still avoiding eye contact. “me being a former black cat pirate doesn’t bother you?”
he shrugs. “you said it yourself. ‘former.’ all that matters is that you got the hell out of there. and away from that creep. would he always put his hands on you like that?”
you blink a couple times, sighing. “his temper was really bad so–”
that seemed to be enough for zoro. “i’ll kill the bastard,” he hisses. “wanted to slice him to bits the moment i saw him grab you.”
though it’s a violent threat, you can’t help but smile. the idea of zoro being so protective that he’d kill a man just for touching you made you blush. pirate love language, you suppose.
“well, i wouldn’t have stopped you,” you tell him, more than ready to see your former captain go.
zoro clicks his tongue. “nah. could’ve stained your new dress with his blood. i never would have been able to forgive myself.”
“so you do have a soft spot,” you tease.
“only for pretty things.”
“do you mean me or the dress?”
now it’s zoro’s turn to become bashful. though, his lack of response is an answer in itself. you can’t help but giggle.
a loud bang from upstairs interrupts your moment with the green-haired man. you assume luffy had gotten his hands on kuro… or vice versa. zoro must be thinking the same thing judging by the way he instinctively rests a hand on the handle of his blade.
“you should go up there,” you tell him. “i’ll stay with kaya.”
he gives you a nod, though he doesn’t make any effort to leave. he stands there like he wants to say something… or do something. before you can think about it too much, you pull him in by the collar and crash your lips onto his. they’re slightly chapped and taste like the wine that’d come from the cellar – it’s pleasant. his large palms come to rest on your lower back; his hold feels tight and secure.
when you finally allow yourself to pull away, you’re biting back a smile. “kick his ass for me.”
“will i get more of that if i do?” asks zoro, wetting his lips. they now taste like the cherry lip gloss you’d borrowed from kaya. he takes a step forward, attempting to close the gap between you two once more.
you shrug, pushing him away by the chest. “go help luffy and we’ll see.”
you both know that means yes.
8K notes
·
View notes
Text
what do you mean my own feelings, I don't have those, I only have other people's feelings
#literally can't tell my own feelings apart from other's anymore#which is horrible because it happens with nonexistent fictional characters too#which means that tortured rp character that is sad all the time? yeah i feel that too#luckily only for a short while... usually#but yknow sometimes other's feelings will happen all at once and it's like i have a million feelings THAT ARE ALL NOT MINE#and that lasts for days sometimes#and i know this isn't normal but i have no fucking clue what it is#because it isn't hyperempathy disorder#i think#cause that says those feelings will persist for days#but mine is more like i just take on everyones feelings all the time until it's too overwhelming to handle#wait#okay maybe it is hyperempathy disorder#oh#vent#tw vent#vent post
0 notes