#and the persistent anxiety has turned into hopelessness and not wanting to deal with this miserable feeling forever

[neverbeforeandneversince]

I need to vent

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Soulmate September

Series Summary- a collection of one shots exploring different ships and au concepts. The list I created and am following can be found here.

Day Three: A Storm of Stars

 Summary: Soul tattoos don’t fill in until the other person knows without a doubt that their partner is the one, when everything they are become so ingrained in each other’s lives that their souls become entwined. For Virgil and Logan, this doesn’t happen until well after they’ve been married. When the moments do arrive however, they both know they could never be happier.

Warnings: none, If there are any please let me know!

Ships: Analogical (Virgil x Logan)

Prompt: Tattoo that becomes colorful once you meet soulmate

WC: 2645

AO3

Logan’s eyes snapped open as a loud crack of thunder shook the house, rain pelting against the roof and making the tiles creak. His popping joints added to the symphony as he stretched his way into a sitting position. Reaching over to the bedside drawer he fumbled a bit before finding the small remote and clicking on the web of fairy lights strung in the far corner, immediately bathing the room in a pleasant blue glow. He flipped his pillow over to the cool side and took a second to fluff the other pillow a bit, moving it over to be closer to his and smoothing the bedsheets. 

The motions were automatic after so many years of practice, going back to he and Virgil’s first sleepover when they were still guaranteed a juicebox and cookies after school. It had stormed then too, Logan waking up to find his bed crowded with a shaking Virgil and his trusty stuffed tiger, who though was quite courageous had realized she was no match for a storm and had convinced her charge to seek shelter with Logan instead. Smiling softly at the memory Logan settled down to wait. He knew as his husband had grown older he wasn’t afraid of storms anymore so much as his anxiety ran with endless possibilities of what they could do to them or the house- which Logan was often inclined to agree with but played his role of devil’s advocate for the sake of Virgil’s well-being.

Right as he was beginning to wonder if he should leave to go and collect Virgil, the floorboards in front of his door squeaked in protest. A moment later a figure bulky with sweatpants and a hoodie slouched into the room, quickly shutting the door behind him and practically diving into the bed and under the blankets. The bed springs creaked along with the roof tiles as they both fidgeted and fussed trying to get comfortable, Logan biting back a small laugh as Virgil nosed his way underneath his chin. His soft hair tickled Logan’s lips as he pressed a kiss to the top of his head and wrapped his arms around him. Finally they were still, Virgil’s breathing slowly matching his own as he made sure to take deep calming breaths.

The rain was already quieting, the storm moving on and leaving the two night owls to their bubble of peaceful warmth. Logan readjusted slightly as Virgil snuggled in further, hoodie sleeves riding up as he snaked his arms around his waist in an attempt to pull them closer. Logan did laugh at this, planting another kiss firmly on the other’s forehead.

“I think if you squeezed any tighter we’d fuse, stormcloud. How are we supposed to compose an email when our absence excuse would be cuddling too hard?”

“No such thing,’” Virgil mumbled. “I’ll cuddle you as hard as I want and they’re just gonna haftadealwibit.”

The last half of the sentence trailed off into near indecipherable gibberish but Logan understood well enough. “You are exceptionally adorable when you’re tired. As much as I hate that storms cause you anxiety, I'm glad that nothing else has changed.”

He grinned as the side of his neck where Virgil’s face was pressed against warmed and quietly congratulated himself through the disappointment that he couldn’t currently see Virgil’s crimson face. ‘Still got it’ he thought to himself as he wiggled a bit to try and find a comfortable spot where Virgil’s rather bony arms weren’t poking into his ribs, failing miserably until he managed a sigh. “I’m sorry stormcloud, I’m getting a bit of a cramp. Why don’t you lay on top of me instead; that’s comfortable for you as well isn’t it?”

Humming in confirmation, Virgil leaned back and let Logan flip onto his back. A moment later he let out a small groan of surprise as Virgil flopped solidly onto him, burrowing into his chest and holding Logan tight by his sides. Smiling, he brought the blankets up over them both and carefully tucked them in, bringing his arms out and resting them on Virgil’s shoulders to make sure it didn’t slide off. 

“Thank you for always doing this.” Logan scrunched his brow at the frustrated tone in Virgil’s voice. “And don’t you dare say ‘why wouldn’t I’ because you always ask and I always say it’s because I’m too old to be afraid of storms and then you logic your way around me because I’m too tired to argue. This is just something I always thought I’d grow out of.”

“Sometimes we grow out of fears, sometimes not. The ones that linger aren’t something you can help or should blame yourself for.” Getting no response other than a frustrated huff, Logan continued, beginning to hum and rub soothing circles on his back. “Whether the fear is rational or not- and whether or not the threat is real- I will always be here to protect and support you however you need. Seeing as I’m not exactly in the best shape for fighting crime or fending off rabid dogs, comforting you through a storm is something that I love that I’m able to do. And I will continue to love doing it because I love you and would rather you be here with me seeking comfort than by yourself too stubborn to ask for help.”

“Logan?”

“Yes, Virgil?”

“You’re making it really hard to be edgy and self-deprecating right now.”

“Heaven forbid.”

Virgil snorted, knocking the top of his head gently into Logan’s chin until Logan sighed in mock exasperation, craning his neck to kiss him softly on the forehead so he’d settle back down. As he laid his head back down onto his chest a warm, tingling sensation spread from underneath Virgil’s cheek and covered his collar bone and part of his shoulder. Gasping he nudged the other up, poking more insistantly when the stubborn emo refused to disentangle himself. Ignoring Virgil’s confused look as he made to pull off his shirt he practically whipped it across the room and placed a hand to his soul mark, eyes shining as he took in the sight. 

His mark had always looked so odd to him, big blobs of shapes over his right shoulder and collar bone with jagged black scars streaking from them and down his chest. He could never even begin to picture what it could be, though a friend suggested once that it might be a warped forest of some sort, doubtful as his tone had been. Instead, his warm fingers traced over jagged streaks of lightning, such a bright purple they nearly glowed in the dark. The blobs above them had filled in with every shade of gray he had ever seen, broken occasionally by shadows of purple and blue where the lightning was. It was unexpectedly beautiful, his vision blurring with tears as he realized what this meant.

“I always knew.” He looked up as Virgil spoke in a hushed whisper. “I always- but you just felt so safe and you never...you always make me feel better about it and so safe and I guess-”

Logan opened his arms and Virgil gratefully dove back into them, catching his cheek with a kiss on the way down. They resettled quickly, the rain nothing more than a gentle patter against the roof letting them rest easy. Cracking an eye open, Logan strained to look down as Virgil laughed and held him tighter.

“Of all the things that keep me up at night, I’m so glad I was right about this.”

Logan smiled and hugged him closer in turn. “I agree.”

----- -----

Virgil sat up slowly, blanket falling from his shoulders and pooling around his waist as he struggled to cross his legs in the tangle. After a minute of failing miserably he huffed and flopped back, kicking both legs up as far as they would go while catching the blanket on the bottom of his feet and then kicking forward violently to dislodge them. Unfortunately the trick failed, landing more fabric between his legs and scrunching his pants uncomfortably in the process. Scissoring his legs just twisted everything around more and by the time he was halfway through attempting bicycles the situation was hopeless enough he considered just going back to sleep and dealing with it when he woke up. He had closed his eyes to do just that when he heard a muffled snort from the doorway, picking his head up to peer at Logan through squinted eyelids.

“Would you like some assistance?” Logan asked while making a half-hearted attempt to school his features.

Huffing, Virgil flopped his head back onto the pillows. “Clearly I have everything under control.”

“Falsehood. Your wiggling was very impressive but the blankets quite obviously won in the end. Was falling back to sleep after a ten hour nap and a failed battle the plan from the start?”

“No one likes a smartass Lo.”

“And yet your love for me persists.” Smiling lightly, Logan made his way to the side of the bed and climbed on, swinging his legs up and over Virgil’s stomach and plopped down gently with his hands splayed over his chest. Grunting out pseudo complaints Virgil reached up and took both of the hands in his own, giving each a kiss in turn before settling them back just below his collarbones. The sight of Logan blushing- bright enough to be visible even in the dim room- was one he would never grow tired of.

“Illogical as it may be.” He agreed. “Is that why you love your darling husband? I’m your most difficult logic puzzle that’s guaranteed to last a lifetime?”

Logan rolled his eyes. “No, that’s absurd. I love my husband because a pain in the ass though he may be- he’s a constant I find myself unable to live without.”

Feeling his own face heating up Virgil longed for his hoodie to hide in, especially once Logan’s expression turned smug from rendering him speechless. “Logan, it’s much too early for you to be this smooth.”

“Virgil, my love, it’s seven in the evening.”

Virgil blinked. “Wow. you weren’t kidding when you said ten hour nap.”

“I never kid. It’s important to be one hundo percent, one hundo percent of the time.”

“Who gave you that one?”

“Patton.”

“Yeah, maybe don’t trust the dad-friend for flashcards, starlight.’

Flushing slightly, Logan disentangled their fingers and rolled off the bed. “Duly noted. Now please get up, we have plans.”

“We do- ah!” Virgil found himself face down in his pillow, having flipped around with Logan’s rather aggressive flourish of snapping the blankets out from around his legs. Remembering that they had, in fact, had plans for the night, Virgil rolled out of bed as quickly as he could with apologies already hot on his tongue. “Logan I’m so sorry I thought that was tomorrow and I had stayed up late for stupid reasons and I hope we aren’t running late do I have time to change-”

“Virgil, breathe.” Logan cupped a hand to his cheek and gently ran a thumb under his eye. “I assure you we have plenty of time and I’m very glad you got the sleep you did. I would have liked you up earlier only to see your lovely face and to make sure your sleep schedule wasn’t ruined. But if you slept that long you must have needed it, and I certainly am not going to fault you for that.”

Closing his eyes, Virgil took a breath and held it for a second before breathing out slowly. Logan’s hand left his cheek and he caught himself leaning forward to chase the warmth, his resulting blush filling that void for the time being. 

“Do what you need and then come in the kitchen; I made fried noodles.”

More awake now than ever Virgil hurried to the bathroom. Logan’s cooking was the best he had ever had and he’d be damned if he was late for noodles.

-----

A cool breeze rustled through the thick grass and flipped over the corner of the blanket Logan and Virgil had set up an hour before. Sputtering, Virgil flipped it back from his face, spitting bits of dandelion fluff out of his mouth in the process while pointedly ignoring Logan’s snicker. He pushed his hoodie closer to the corner to prevent further mishap and snuggled closer to his husband for warmth, head resting comfortably on one arm with his other wrapped around Logan’s shoulders. 

Logan lay on his side with his head on his shoulder, the bottom of his cheek pressed into the still black soulmark that traced a shapeless blob from the top of his elbow to the nape of his neck. Soulmarks filled in based on the other soulmates feelings- when they truly felt like they had found the one. Of course that was a romantic conspiracy for the most part and to Virgil it seemed to go against the entire idea of fate. If you could choose your own, then what was the point of the marks? 

Choosing not to think about it for the time being, he continued staring up at the sky. The night was clear and this far out not much light pollution tainted their view of everything the night had to offer. Stars glittered for miles with barely there colorful space dust in between if you squinted. Logan had told him what it actually was once- something about it being high temperature nebula gas absorbing starlight- Logan had explained it much better in the past.

Logan always explained everything better.

“You’re quiet tonight.” Logan remarked.

“I’m sorry- just thinking.” 

“Mm, don’t be sorry.”

They laid in silence for a few more minutes before Virgil decided to speak up. “They always make me feel really small- stars I mean- and I know I am small compared to everything but all that just leads to...existential dread I guess. Seeing everything laid out, it’s beautiful, but it’s also a bit daunting.”

“Virgil, if you’re uncomfortable-”

“Lemme finish first before you do the sweet thing you do where you overanalyze everything for the sake of everyone else’s comfort.” Seeing Logan smile and roll his eyes he continued. “I always feel small looking at them, but it never matters because you make me feel big. Like I could take on the entire world even when the anxiety’s being a bitch.”

He felt Logan smile against his arm...and then it started to tingle. Tiny pinpricks raced up and down his arms from his shoulder to his neck and he quickly disentangled himself and started blindly slapping at his mark to get whatever bugs off that had decided to ruin the moment. Noticing Logan had his mouth covered with his eyes wide in shock staring at his arm he quickly looked down and gasped with his own.

His unsightly black blob of a soulmark, which he had long ago stopped trying to guess at the shape of, was now a glittering galaxy. Striking blue and dark purple swirled in intricate patterns behind stars that shined so brightly on his skin he would swear they had been plucked from the night sky and flicked onto him. The tingling finally stopped, the whole field seeming to hold its breath along with the both of them before Logan finally broke the silence with a hoarse whisper.

“In an entire universe I found you.” Snapping his head up, Virgil saw tears gathering in his husband’s eyes. “I was sure I already knew but- I’m so happy I found you.”

Laughing wetly Virgil dove forward, knocking them both over and half in the grass but neither could bring themselves to care. Under the stars, with Virgil himself wrapped in a galaxy, he had never been so happy to have an impossibly small space in Logan’s arms to call his own.

If you like this, please consider reblogging. Sharing a creators work helps more people see it.

[ezekielbhandarivalleros]

Addicted to Weed - Chapter 1

Characters: Jake Tweneboah (MC), Sienna Trinh, Jackie Varma (Mentioned)  Ethan Ramsey (Mentioned)

Summary: Sienna finds out about Jake’s weed problem

Rated - M

Taglist: @princess-geek @gamechoices-player @secretaryunpaid @arnikki-2406 @choicesficwriterscreations @riana-drarry @treasure-seeking-elf @lisha1valecha @yourresidentplayer @schnitzelbutterfingers

Also thanks for @secretaryunpaid for helping me make the necessary changes and editsl

Jake let out a sigh of relief as he stepped through into his apartment. Quickly he locked and dead bolted the door, and slid the security chain into place. After nearly three years at the hospital he never entered his apartment without immediately doing those three things. He turned on several lights and moved to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee brewing before dropping himself onto the couch.

Jake retrieved a cup of coffee and settled himself into the couch. He kicked off his shoes to display his mismatched socks as he loosened his tie. He was very glad to be home, but at the same time it increased his anxiety. While he was an introvert and did enjoy spending time alone with Jackie, the last few months had been hard. Lately when he was alone he turned to Weed, but for the past two weeks he had been trying to avoid using it. He hadn't been very successful. He had tried to wean himself off slowly, but once he had taken a small dose he usually got to the point that he didn't care and ended up taking more. Already, though he had only just gotten home, he felt his eyes drifting to the bathroom where he kept the drug hidden. He gripped his coffee cup tightly, trying to fight off the urge to use.

He thought briefly about calling one of the team to see if they wanted to go out for something to eat, but quickly decided against it, deciding he needed the rest of the evening to relax. Jake sighed and put his cup on the coffee table. He rubbed his face and again his eyes drifted to the bathroom. He was so tired, but he knew that he probably wouldn't be able to sleep without some help. He groaned and leaned back on the couch, and tried to distract himself by watching random videos on Youtube.

Abruptly he stood and crossed to the bathroom. He tore open the medicine cabinet and pulled the last of the weed out of its hiding spot in a box meant to hold cough syrup. Not that he really ever had anyone over to his place besides his old roommates, but he still wasn't careless enough to leave it out in the open. He tossed the box aside and unscrewed the top of the bottle. He held it wavering in his hand. He wanted desperately to just tip the bottle to empty the contents into the sink and be done with it. He had had this battle with himself many times before. Two times he had even succeeded, but then found himself calling his dealer only hours later to gain more.

Jake ran into his and Jackie’s bedroom and pulled out pieces of rolling paper and made blunts. Jackie was the only person who knew that he still smoked as he told the others that he quit a few weeks ago. He remained on the floor for quite some time, feeling no desire to move back to the living room with the tv still on.. He was perfectly content where he sat, enjoying the feeling of nothingness and after a while he dozed a bit. He didn't know how much time had passed before he heard a knock at the door. It had probably hadn't been more than an hour or two. He tried to ignore it, but whoever it was knocking was persistent.

Groaning, he rolled to his knees then used the edge of the bed to pull himself to his feet. He legs felt rubbery, so he stood there for a moment to steady himself. He looked at his reflection and stifled a giggle. At the moment he found looking in the mirror incredibly funny, but he wasn't entirely sure why. It felt somewhat surreal, looking at himself. The knocking at the door became more persistent. He sighed. It was probably was one of his friends. No one else ever came to his home this late.

He cringed as his door was pounded on, and this time was accompanied by a voice. "Come on, I know you're home. Please open the door." Jake sighed heavily. Sienna. Of course it was her. Anyone else would probably have given up, but she would be there until two in the morning, still knocking if he thought that  was home. Jake shook his head and made his way down the hallway slowly. He hadn't even made it halfway when Sienna knocked again, louder.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jake called out. He made it to the door and fumbled with the locks, struggling with the security chain. It took several tries for him to be able to slide it free. He swung the door open. "What are you doing here, Sienna?" he asked, not bothering to try to hide his irritation. "Hey, grumpy much?" Sienna smirked and raised her hands. Jake didn't respond except to glare and gave a roll of his eyes. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" "You've never been out this late before. Why did you decide to just show up in the middle of the night?"

"Somebody's cranky when his beauty sleep gets interrupted." Sienna pushed past Jake into the apartment without his invitation. He held up a brown paper bag. "I left the office about an hour after you did and I thought I'd stop and grab some Chinese at that really good restaurant and then realized how close I was to your place so I figured I pick some up for you and Jackie and bring it over here, but as she’s asleep you can have hers”

"That restaurant is almost seven miles from here, Sienna," Jake said.

Sienna didn't seem fazed as he walked into the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboards for paper plates not caring if she woke Jackie up. "I got those egg rolls that you like." "Okay, I see we're just going to pretend that you showing up here is normal," Jake grumbled. He followed Sienna as he brought the plates to the dining room.

Sienna looked around the luxury apartment, taking in the well-used but comfortable looking furniture and the many shelves housing hundreds of books and the one shelf that contained dozens of science fiction DVDs. " I can definitely tell that you live here and It shows that mostly everything belongs to you."

"It's my apartment, Sienna. Was it supposed to look like someone different lived here?"

She raised an eyebrow. "You usually reserve this level of hostility for occasions."

Jake blushed and looked away. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

Sienna shrugged. "Sit down and eat."

"I'm not really hun—"

"Sit," Sienna interrupted. "Eat." She ordered.

Jake dropped into the chair, looking a bit like a child who had been reprimanded for something. He grabbed one of the egg rolls and took a small bite.

"I'm fine," Jake said quickly.

"How often have you been using the drugs?" Sienna asked conversationally.

Jake looked up, the expression on his face giving the impression of him being a deer caught in the headlights. "What are you talking about?" he asked, voice a little higher than usual.

Sienna pushed his plate of food away and leaned forward, elbows on the table, and his face suddenly deadly serious. "You're high right now, aren't you?”

“Hey, I was still eating that” Jake screamed.

Jake laughed, the sound slightly hysterical. "Sienna, you- you're confused. I-I'm not-… I don't-…" he sputtered, trying to keep the smile on his face. "That's crazy," he finally managed to finish.

Sienna's face was still locked in that serious look. "I'm sorry, kid. I knew something was going on with you, we all did. I thought maybe it was PTSD. But we all left you to deal with it on your own. We should have been there for you. I should have been there. I should have seen. I'm sorry."

The faux smile fell of Jake’s face as she spoke. He dropped his eyes to the table, seeming to struggle with himself to find the words. It looked as though he was trying to decide if he wanted to admit to the drug use or to continue to try to deny it. The internal battle waged for nearly a minute before he looked back up. "Pretty stupid thing to do for someone who's supposed to be a genius isn't it?" he smiled, but it was bitter and self-deprecating.

"Not stupid. Not really smart either," Sienna sighed, looking at Jake his dark eyes troubled. "It's Weed, isn't it?" “Jackie has been telling me.”

Jake nodded, almost imperceptibly, avoiding eye contact. Morgan wasn't reacting to this in a way he had expected. There was no yelling, or threatening. No accusations or anger, only a weary acceptance. "I stole it from one of they younger interns after their first week and got hooked, not even my brother whose a year above me knows. After I ran out I bought my own. I t-… I tried to stop. I really did. I threw it out twice. But I always-… I always got more afterwards." He ran a trembling hand through his hair.

"How often do you take it?"

"Usually only once a day, but I don't take it at all if we're working a case," he elaborated, shooting a quick glance at Sienna.

"Why do you only take it when you're home?" She asked him. She was still acting much to calm for Jake to understand, and things that Jake didn't understand made him nervous.

Jake shook his head. "If the other know, for sure Ethan might have to report it, and you'll be fired. I won't tell him as long as you stop."

Jake looked desperate. "I've tried before, Sienna. I don't think I can do it." He looked so hopeless that it almost made Sienna want to cry.

But she didn't. Instead she leaned forward and put his hand on the older man's shoulder. "Yes, you can, and you will. You've only tried by yourself before. Now you've got help. You don't have to be alone anymore."

[leagueofidiots]

@xx-kachi-xx

Triggers! Child death, anxiety, vomit, I'm a terrible person on several accounts, no happy ending

Until tonight, I can't say I've ever had anything against Spark. Usually, Dabi and Spinner can manage them well enough that unless I want to, I don't have to deal with them. I might even tolerate them if I had to.

But this particular time is the absolute worst time for Spark to be crying. Even before they became another member of this team, tonight would have set me off. The news was saying today how they may have caught a glimpse of one of us a few days ago. How they may find us at any moment now.

I've been trying to take my mind off of it, my neck rubbed raw and my monitor beginning to overheat, but nothing helps. And nothing makes it worse than the persistent whining and crying coming from Suichi's and Dabi's room just nextdoor.

A dark thought creeps into my mind. What if Spark gives us away? What if that's the thing that alerts them to our hiding place? The thing that finally tears us all apart?

I could stop that.

My mouse decays in my hands as I clutch it, sickened by my own mind. Just how messed up am I? Not only would that hurt Spinner and Dabi, everyone would be affected. Everyone would hate me, even me. I'd never forgive myself.

I shoot down an opponent in-game, cursing myself under my breath. "You're not gonna do anything stupid. You won't."

There's another shrill wail from Spark, and I swear I hear footsteps outside. It's all of us or one of us. I have to. They're here, they're all around us, just waiting to strike us all dead.

I pause my game. Spinner and Dabi will be fine, they've faced loss before. Pull open the door. I've killed plenty already, this is no different. Step over Suichi, curled up on the rug, and walk quietly past Dabi, knocked out in a chair. They won't know until it's too late.

I stand over Spark, hand extended. I have to do this. The steps outside grow louder and louder, almost overwhelming the pounding of my heart. I can. I can't. Can I? No. Yes.

One finger. Louder outside, a voice calls. Two fingers. I'm less horrified, more calm. Determined. Three fingers. No different than my family. Four fingers. I can do this, I can save us.

Five.

Within a few seconds, the piercing cries stop. I fall to my knees, ejected food landing all over me. My hands shake. What did I do? What did I do?

I'm a child again, dirty hands shaking in my lap, stomach twisted in sickened knots. A voice, yelling. From outside? No, no, from my own throat.

Spinner bolts upright, turned toward me. "Tomura, what are you doing? We just got---" A different sort of silence fills the air, a painful silence, a silence that screams louder than any voice could ever dream.

Then, the worst sound I've ever heard in my life, long and broken and terrified.

He's shoving past me, pushing me to the ground, hands grasping at the dust as if any amount of squeezing can bring Spark back. Dabi walks drowsily behind him and sits, arms draped around his waist. "Babe, what is it? You have another nightmare?" He asks, eyes closed, the side of his face pressed to Suichi's back.

He says nothing, just sobs, one hand moving from the decayed remains to Dabi's hand, desperation leaving scrapes from his talons.

Dabi peers over his shoulder, and his gradual change in expression has me throwing up again, heaving everything up into my hands. Sleep, confusion, realization, shock, anger, pure grief. A look of such deep sadness and loss that I've never seen the likes of  before on his face.

Dabi's grip on Suichi tightens, and I hear his breath catch. Spinner's remaining hand realizes its efforts are hopeless, dragging itself into his lap as he curls up as if he's been stabbed. "Shigaraki...you…"

"I'm sorry," I gasp, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," as if my mantra of apologies make my mistakes any better.

"Just shut up!" Dabi screams, staples popping loose.

The footsteps outside still surround us. Still close in. Still threaten to find us. I surge forward and press my hand against Suichi's still-wailing mouth, thumb extended outward.

A sharp elbow in my gut, and I fall backwards. "Don't you even think about it!" Blood flies out at his words, pooling in his mouth from his split scars. "I'm not gonna let you take him too!"

The door opens, our teammates' shadows casting more fear into me. What can I say? It was for all of our sakes, but Dabi and Spinner don't seem to see that.

But all of a sudden, it's all gone. The voices, the footsteps, our impending dooms. The worse nightmare lays ahead of me, the full impact of what I've done finally falling on my shoulders. I really am just a freak and a monster, I realize as Kurogiri warps me out of the room. No better than everything All for One said I was.

[therealkalanchoe]

💖 Kalanchoes - Endurance, Persistence, Eternal Love and Prosperity.  💖

1. MEET RIANNA  ANDIÇ  ( wedding planner. )

@madison-intros​

( TW WARNINGS: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, ANXIETY )

- she’s a native, born & raised here in madison.

- currently 32 years old this year ( her b’day has only very recently just passed : july 19th )

- Born the eldest child of the Andıç family, Rianna had always been the most responsible and constantly reliable family member, a main source of support for any and all of her family members She had always regarded it as her loyal duty to be the glue and spine that kept the family together, no matter how much it took out of her. FAMILY, WAS FIRST AND FOREMOST THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO HER. No matter how each family member turned out or what her relationship with them grew to be, Rianna would do anything at anytime to ensure their happiness, safety and health comes first before hers. 

 - The Andıç family were a very happy, normal family at first, living on a very comfortable middle class range but that all eventually changed when their father slowly started to fall back on the bad addictions of his youth, mainly gambling and greed. He kept this habits a secret from his family at first but it all soon came to light when Rianna was about 11, as small cracks started appearing in their family’s income. The small cracks then eventually snowballed into bigger cracks due to their father’s impulsive greed of trying to take shortcuts and invest in business deals and loans that eventually went all wrong. By the time Rianna was 16, their parents’ marriage had badly deteriorated as their father sometimes took to substance abuse once in a while as a form of relief. However, due to pride and their mother’s passive and weak timidity, they still stayed married, but the household was a mess as their mom became a panicky and a constantly fretful mouse and their dad was struggling to mend things. 

- Thus Rianna was forced to become the voice of reason and the go-to person in helping her dad, mom and also helping to bring up/ provide her siblings with a semblance of normalcy in their growing up years. Rianna had always been a helpful and compassionate person, but those traits of hers came to the fore more than ever over the past 16 years as she always been a filial child. She had to struggle hard -  1) helping her father think of ways to deal with their family’s financial troubles as well as take up part-time jobs of her own, 2) be constant pillar of support to her overly-anxious mom , 3) be a sort of secondary parental figure in helping to raise up her younger siblings. 

- Thankfully she had some support from her closest and caring neighbours as well as her dearest bff from childhood, andrew “andy” harper to count on during her hardships. She currently has secret romantic feelings for Andy and vice versa, but both till now had never confessed their true feelings.

 - She was once married to a guy whom she thought was her romantic soulmate and one true love during her college years. her family and friends didn’t really approve and was wary of him , due to a few reasons. however being very much head-over-heels in love with him, Rianna waved off their worries and wholly trusted in him. she thought that they had the same goals in life and would work hard together to achieve them. being married so early was just them knowing that they had found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with, so why the wait? This had been the biggest and pretty rare, impulsive thing that Rianna had done, but she had been so infatuated with him that love made her throw caution to the wind. 

- One night he never came home and just vanished without a trace. Worse still, all of their joint savings were wiped out from their bank account, leaving everyone to pinpoint on him as betraying all this while. In truth, it was actually one of her best friends who had stolen her money and conveniently blamed/ framed her Rianna’s husband, because they had been desperate for cash & was also was jealous of Rianna. Till this day, Rianna has no idea of that particular best friend’s true nature.  

- Rianna didn’t want to believe it at first and desperately tried to find her lost hubby, but she soon had to the face the possibility that he had been using her all this while. Heartbroken, she then applied for divorce that eventually cleared through after a few years of being unable to locate him despite all their best efforts.

- Due to her savings being gone, she had to work two jobs and took a sabbatical break from college for quite a while before eventually being able to resume it once she had enough funds. She finally graduated with a degree in event planning and then worked hard on achieving her lifelong dream occupation to be a wedding planner. Several years later down the road, Rianna is now a flourishing and highly talented wedding planner in town, with her services also being sought after in Jessup and Savannah once in a while. Her current home, a large and beautifully restored & innovatively renovated cottage in Madison also functions as her cozy business office on the ground floor while she lives on the upper floor.

PERSONALITY wise:   

Rianna is a very confident, bold, extremely creative ( in artistic ways & problem-solving ), very quick-thinker, resilient, patient, kind-hearted, loving and v loyal woman . She is at the same time, extremely family-oriented, family always comes first for her, despite her parents' many flaws as she can't help but be a very filial daughter even if she grows weary of it. She's the glue and/or spinal cord that holds her family together so that they don't fall apart when her parents are failing her and her siblings. Eldest child curse XD. 

She also knows how to be charming if necessary ( occasion calls for it/ have to use it to work around certain types of ppl ) However she also sticks firmly to her many life principles and wouldn't betray them for anything. Rianna is also very organized and a stickler for doing things on time & arriving on time too  so one of her annoyances is latecomers & tardiness , tho she won't really hold it as grudge against you forever. She'll be properly upset there and then and then move on.

She strives to act composed, dress and be extremely professional during her working hours, though she will go above and beyond sometimes to help her clients due to her ever-romantic heart. Yes, despite having her heart broken by her ex-hubby, Rianna still maintains the outlook of a true romanticist, or as some would say a hopeless romantic. She still believes in true love, romantic soulmates, destiny and all that jazz, and no one could convince her out of it. It doesn’t help that her bff & go-to confidante  is also a hopeless romantic and supports her belief that her Mr.Right is out there somewhere for her someday.

Despite that, her love life has been pretty silent half the time due to her business and current passion with her work. One could say that she might be a bit of a workaholic once in a while. 

She has A HUGE LOVE FOR DOGS and less so for horses. She likes them well enough, can ride but still isn’t the biggest fan of horse-riding (due an old childhood fear of them before she finally overcame it with the help of one of her exes. )

She ADORES children and anytime she could, she would help anyone babysit their kid, even for free.  Rianna has a natural talent for connecting well with children, even teenagers which is probably due to her innate empathy, high imagination, patience and experience from helping to raise her siblings and dealing with her parents 

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

- besties ( !! )

- bff & confidante  : Andy Harper ( will they - wont they kind of deal too, kind of an old married couple at times and they share andy’s dog copper. )

- childhood first love ( !! )

- her siblings!!!

- pen-pal(s)!!

- a rival

- exes:  ~ Jack Dunn ( split on amicable terms, now are good friends )

            ~ more..?

- exercise buddies

- dance buddies

- a short & sweet holiday romance

 - whoops! we accidentally got drunkenly married in vegas/atlantic city

- neighbours (!!) : Andy Harper, more tba..

- former school-mates

- close and good friends ~ Chesney Ragsdale, Nick Gates, Avery Robinson

- former clients :  ~ Nick Gates & emilia reyes

- current clients 

- friends!!!

- older sister figure to - Chesney & Avery

- former babysitter of - Chesney Rasgdale

[delicrieux]

rubatosis | l.l.

HALLOWEEN WRITING CHALLENGE!🎃 day 2, word(s): cycles of the moon.

pairing: loki x f!reader

fandom: marvel

request: Hi! Can l have a loki imagine please? Reader is one of the strongest beings in the universe and part of the avengers. Soldier background like captain marvel etc and Loki lowkey flirts with him romantically all the time and reader thinks he has an endgame about using her powers so she ggets mad Finally loki snaps and makes wanda look inside his mind to prove he actually loves her? Luv u :) [ @imaginesyes]

warnings: none

words: 1,7k

author’s note: i changed it a bit!  also YES i know that im late but tbh lill prolly be late to my own funeral so does it rly matter??? this is from this post and i will try to do all 30 of them!:) four, rubatosis ( the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat ).

feedback is always appreciated xoxo

masterlist | buy me coffee☕

Loki Laufeyson had taken a special interest in you and of course you would find that flattering, though unsettling and suspicious (the latter, more than anything). He would often appear in the same places you frequented, and he would spare no compliment, albeit most of them could be considered more of an insult rather than anything. It was annoying. Though funny. And nice in a sort of I-have-caught-the-gaze-of-a-trickster-god-is-that-even-good? way. He is definitely persistent and terribly charming when he wants to be, but to trust his word would be stupid and so you refrain from entertaining him because really now, you are a realist, and he definitely wants something.

You possess power and not once or twice did a man like Loki try to sweet talk his way into a favour. Normally you would send such a pest flying, though you have your doubts when it comes to Loki. That and he is Thor’s brother, and Thor is not only a friend but also a dear co-worker, and beating up his younger brother would surely break some sort of ethics code. You know Tony probably would not care of Loki’s well-being (might even cheer you on to be completely honest), but as a soldier you have a strict morale code and a tendency to listen to orders, either by contract or otherwise.

But even with all of this in mind you could not quite help being a bit smitten. And the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat made you wonder if he could hear it, too. The answer to that would be no, though you know he knows what he is doing to you. Irritation grew into anger fairly quick.

But to be fair, how does one not resist him? His eyes are the colour of a forest, dark, alluring, though icy, as if covered in snow; and he is most refined and graceful in movement. Not to mention he looks fantastic in a suit. Once, at a work party, he had noticed you lingering about away from the guests, enjoying solitude with a flute of champagne in your hand and a wistful look on your face. He had moved to your side seamlessly and said nothing for a whole minute. There was silence, though it was intimate, as if words were not needed in order to be close. You enjoy his voice, though you appreciate his silence perhaps more. He lies often, that you knew already. Only when his lips are sealed is he truly being genuine.

Alas, he could not help himself, and he leaned in, and you could faintly smell sandalwood and ink, “They are a rowdy bunch, aren’t they?” Strangely there was no malice in his voice; it was soft, amused, though thoughtful. His gaze was strained on Thor and his large glass of ale, telling an animated story to SHIELD agents, a tired-looking Captain America, giddy Nat, and grinning Tony who tried to steal the show quite literally. Loki then glanced at you, awaiting an answer.

“Yeah.” You said simply, “That’s why I like them.”

“But you don’t enjoy attention.” It was a quick observation; he was watching your reaction intently. You turned to him with a smile.

“If I did, I wouldn’t be standing by the door, would I?”

He grinned, “Well…” He drawled, “Perhaps you fancy a different kind of attention. It’s easier to spot you outside the crowd then within it, after all.”

“Looking at me often enough to know, huh?” You raised a brow. He shrugged.

“Why? Have you caught me staring?”

You gave him a look. He seemed awfully pleased with himself.

And then there was a night at Asgard, in the palace, serene and magical in every way. The whole world seemed to be asleep and the chirp of crickets and languid dance of fireflies was what awoke you, or so you mustered when you wandered the dark lonely halls. The air was fresh and warm; it was summer, it was always summer there. You had entered the gardens and even deep into the night the scent of roses was so sweet it was nearly choking. Under the moonlight you had found him. He was wandering, just like you had been.

At first Loki had seemed surprised to see you, though that slight shock had melted into a pleased smile and he had said something slick and you had replied with a roll of your eyes. The two of you fell into step and pebbles crunched under your feet. He was curious and you were alert. You passed statues and fountains, all appearing somehow prettier in the dark. You are not sure when he had started speaking of the moon and it’s cycles, though once he did you glanced upwards and saw it change from new to crescent and so on and so forth and that magnetic light along with his pleasant voice made it all so dreamlike.

Perhaps that was it; that was the night you had realised even if he did have some ulterior motive it didn’t matter because his company is much too valuable. The though made you even more bitter, if anything.

It’s late into the evening and Fall is merciless: cold, windy, rainy. The kitchen is alight with warm light and two cups of tea lay in the table, cooling by the minute. It tastes fruity, you conduct after a careful sip. The playfulness of the drink does not match the mood at all. You frown softly, stare into the depths of your mug and see your reflection in it. You sigh; your shoulders slump. This whole situation is absolutely hopeless.

Wanda, across from you, sits in her pyjamas and wonders how can she help. Seeing you so defeated is heart-breaking – you are one of the strongest people she knows, always ready to support someone both physically and mentally. She wishes she could use her powers – in a fleeting thought she imagined wiping your memory of a pesky, handsome prince, and now her mind, coming up empty of solutions, wanders to that idea again – though she knows you would not appreciate it (if you ever regained your memories, that is). The best she can do is make tea, or coffee, or hot chocolate at the very least and offer her warm embrace as a safe space where you can be loved and cherished and not toyed with.

Wanda would punch Loki. She had realised so when she noticed how conflicted you looked each time you even mentioned him.

“What if I talked to him?” Her voice is rasp, deep – perhaps silence had stretched for far longer than you had imagined. You glance up at her and she gives you a loving smile, “You know…Witch to trickster…”

“I… don’t think that would help much, W.” You mutter into your drink, “But I appreciate the effort. Really. Just… don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with him…Eventually.” You take another sip. “I just…wish I knew what he was thinking. If he’s serious. Or is this…just another ploy.”

She looks at you for a long while, “…What if we knew? What he was thinking. What if I could find out?”

You perk up, “You can do that?”

She smiles, “There are only few things that I can’t.”

It needs time, she explained and you decided to be patient for as long as your nerves allowed you, which to be fair was not that long. It was another gathering, another one of those meetups at Stark Tower that always ended in heated arguments. You held your ground when Loki approached you to wish you a lovely morning – even if it was pouring till noon – and you held your ground when Tony accused you of being on Steve’s side too much. Wanda was nowhere to be found. Unconsciously you searched for her, for any trace of her, and your heart skipped a beat when you felt her familiar warm aura pulse in the air like a heartbeat.

The conference was long and extremely draining. You were boiling on the inside when you entered and anxiety was choking you when you left but there was not even a ripple of this shown on your face. It had stopped raining a while ago. The air is cold and damp and you shiver before you pull your arms closer to your body. You stand outside and take in the scenery, breathe deeper, feel yourself align with nature and calm.

You feel her again behind you, and so you don’t jump when her hand lands on your shoulder in a comforting squeeze.

“…Well?” You ask, your throat dry and voice scratchy.

“I was thorough.” She says and you hear a smile in her voice, “And you know I don’t like him. You know I don’t. But there is no doubt in my heart that he likes you, (Name).” You turn to her, “Though, I’m not sure which is worse. He really liking you or just pretending.” She notes your confused gaze and sighs, “He’s dangerous.”

“We’re all dangerous, W.” You counter. “If we weren’t heroes we’d make for extremely powerful villains.”

“As long as you don’t forget that he was one.” She lets go of your shoulder, “Well, anyway. I met Tony in the hall on my way here. He looked frazzled.”

“Ah,” You nod, “he was being a baby again. Yelling at me for defending Steve.”

“One of these days those two will have a serious fight.”

“Yeah.” You agree. A few drops of cold rain dot your cheek, “Yeah they probably will. Have you seen Loki?”

“He disappeared right after the meeting. Sorry.”

“No, that’s fine. I…I’m not sure what I wanted to say anyway.”

It was past midnight when you left the Stark Tower; most of your time was spent trying to make amends with Iron Man himself, though he was too stubborn to listen. The only thing that kept you from snapping was the occasional glance out the window - the moon was full until it wasn’t, half alight until it was only a sliver. The cycles, they kept changing. Wherever Loki was, he was near enough to make those fantastic illusions.

He cares, you’d think and smile and look at the moon, he really does.

the end. hope you enjoyed!

[lettersandinkstains]

Writing Advice II: Depression

So, my other post on writing trauma seems to have taken off and been fairly well received!

Another misconception I see among media is things on depression. They believe it’s always a young white girl who cries a lot, wears all black and maybe hurts herself. Bonus points if she’s an artist. Extra bonus points if there’s some sort of resistance to therapy, medication, and, “You won’t be as creative on anti depressants!”

Disclaimer: Mental illness comes in all sorts of ways, so how it may appear in me might be different for someone else. These are based on experience as well as the diagnosable symptoms that are common.

Warning: There is some discussions of s.uicide, so please be cautious when going forward.

Clinical depression, major depression. We’ve all heard those words, and we quite likely know someone who has a diagnosis or we, ourselves, have it. But what does it mean exactly? Everyone assumes it’s just feeling sad, and you don’t always feel sad, heck, maybe you feel good a lot of days!

That’s because depression is a persistent feeling of sadness. It usually leads to physical and behavioral changes.

Well, what are the symptoms?

According to the DSM:

The Mood Symptoms:

Anxiety, apathy, general discontent, guilt, a sense of hopelessness, a sense of helplessness, loss of interest in things you may have found pleasurable in the past, mood swings and sadness.

The Behavioral Symptoms

Agitation, excessive crying, irritibility, restlessness or social isolation.

Sleep-wise:

Insomnia, excessive sleeping, early wakening, or restless sleep.

Whole body:

Excessive hunger, fatigue, or loss of appetite

Cognitive:

Lack of concentration, slowness in activity, or thoughts of suicide.

(Please note: this is just a simplified list--there’s quite a few more things to go with it)

How these things will appear in people vary. For me, I would cry excessively and for absolutely no reason. I opened my fridge one day to make chocolate milk, because for once, something sounded good and found it had spoiled two weeks prior. I sobbed for an hour. For me, that spoiled milk had felt like I was an absolute failure of a human being and adult.

I mean, I let the milk spoil. I felt utterly worthless. This may perhaps be dramatic to the outsider, after all, it is just milk, but often times, it’s not just milk or a dropped pen or even a bad day, it’s a series of things that mold up into a mountain and that little insignificant thing causes the avalanche. Perhaps, yes, it was an overreaction, but for me, it felt as it was a testament as to who I was as a person then.

When the sickness (because I consider it a sickness) first showed up, I was probably around nine or ten. The symptoms were subtle and could have easily been brushed off as being shy. I started to isolate myself from my peers, I preferred to be on the computer and away from everybody. I had thoughts of suicide, even if I didn’t quite have that word in my lexicon yet.

For me, at that age, death meant the end of suffering. I was raised in a religious household, and the church I attended was pure doom and gloom. If you died, you would be with god and nothing would be wrong. Religion wasn’t a factor, but it sure as hell was an enticer to try.

Do I think religion such as Christianity to be bad, now, as an adult? No, I do have my hang ups with it, but I’ve known religion to help a lot of people overcome or even deal with their mental health issues. And to them, I give them props.

The emotional pain I feel and had felt was something I could not, and still cannot describe to this day. The closest I have gotten to describing it was to a therapist, and it feels like there’s a giant ball of scribbles in my chest that’s constantly turning and growing bigger. It always feels like it hurts and it’s suffocating. I picked up cutting because if I could just get it out, it would go away.

It never really went away.

I stopped being able to sleep around age thirteen. For others, they sleep too much. For some, it’s disruptive, and it’s restless. But for me, it manifested itself as insomnia (anxiety played a major part in this too). The nights were long and restless, and I would often cry. Because wow, sleep is another thing I’m failing at! My weight dropped due a lack of appetite, food tasted like cardboard, and the smell made me want to vomit (I would later be diagnosed with EDNOS).

My grades suffered. Focusing was hard. Words felt like gibberish most days. Hobbies felt bland, awful, and stupid (it didn’t help I had brothers who made fun of my interests). The sociable little girl I had been, the one my parents sang praises for being smart, friendly, and witty all felt like it died when I became a teenager. Part of it had to do with my period at age nine. I would later learn this is likely a part of dysphoria.

Writing felt like my only outlet, as depression ate and took away a personality. I’m still discovering my interests today, at aged 27! And you know what? That’s okay! It’s okay to have overcome a shadow and relearn things, this isn’t a race.

So, how do you write things like this in a character? You may wonder. Surely, nobody with depression is always crying and locked away from society.

No, of course not! Give them a personality. Much like with anything else, depression isn’t a personality, it’s an illness. 

Let your characters still experience happiness. I still felt some joy and excitement at things. When I did theater in high school, I felt a rush of pride when I was able to memorize silolquies and impressed my classmates, my heart still beat fast when my then girlfriend would kiss me. Calling my friends (because texting wasn’t much of a thing in 9th and 10th grade! I don’t think it became ubquitous until I was about to graduate?) was still exciting, and I would always look forward to weekend long sleepovers.

As an adult, the things that still made me excited and got me out of bed was volunteer work. I would later foster cats and then lose that after a second suicide attempt. But there were still things that made me happy.

Because with depression, you can still experience happiness. The sadness is persistent. 

Give your characters interests, but let them have their struggles with it. I still message friends with my frustrations and anger when nothing seems right and everything I do is bad. Let this be a thing with your characters where they’ll go days without experiencing the adrenaline rush from their interest. 

Your hero in your fantasy adventure story doesn’t always have to be strong and courageous. Let them struggle with the trauma of having watched So and So die or get hurt. Let them feel the guilt. Have days where they can’t get out of bed because it’s just too much, it’s too hard. Their chest aches, their heart aches.

But force them anyways. And as usual, make sure it fits with your story. Don’t fret because you’re writing something and the character isn’t responding to a terrifying, traumatic event like you believe they should. People process things differently. If it fits in the story, do it, but do it well.

Your main character in your romance story has major depression. Okay, cool! When you bring in the love interest, and the romance blossoms and there’s roses, maybe they confess their love to each other. Maybe there’s that little bit of drama, a misunderstanding, or whatever your conflict is. Don’t go Hollywood. Do not let the love interest be the thing that “fixes” the depression.

Because that’s not how it works. Your character may decide to live, or get better for that love interest--PERFECT! GOOD! People do that all the time! I’m doing that for my cat! Let the love interest help them, but do not say that the character was now healed by love and they lived happily ever after. That doesn’t feel real, and feels very, very misleading. I’ve destroyed relationships because I was severely depressed. 

“But what if I want to write something like that? Real life isn’t always fun.” No, it’s not. It’s okay if you want to write something like that, but we already have countless movies geared towards things like that. I can guarantee the next Lifetime movie has that sort of plot. And while you’re free to write as you please, it gives people an incredibly wrong idea. You cannot heal someone by the “power of love”, they have to want to get better, and it’s an uphill battle.

I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve heard people in support groups express frustrations with themselves or their partners because they’re not better yet. “They said they love me, but they’re mad I’m still depressed.” or, “I have this person in my life now, I’m in a relationship. Why aren’t I happy?” 

So as you write this story, keep in mind, you are adding a real life element to it that people struggle with on a daily basis. And we all rely on escape fantasies, but there are still those who think those can be true. And it’s dangerous. A former friend of mine believed that if she loved this guy enough, if she stuck around, he would get better. She just not trying hard enough. He never got better. And she suffered all the more for it.

Alternatively, I watched one of my friends flourish in a relationship. She passed away this summer because she still had her demons, and those demons got the best of her. But you know what happened instead of ~love~ healing her? She worked to get better, she relied on her partner when she needed to. She used the support net she had, and strived towards healing. And she did amazing because she felt she had something to live for. 

So, if you want to add in that real life element where people struggle with, and has claimed lives, write it so that love interest is someone they decide to live for. And I think that’s a more interesting romance story instead of, “Mentally ill character falls in love, suddenly cured” trope!

The people I know who struggle with depression either do seek professional help (therapy, psychotherapy, medication) or self medicate (drugs, alcohol, etc).

Family members are alcoholics, for example. One uncle would prefer to see the bottom of a bottle starting at 7 am and going until 12 am. He only got better from alcoholism for four years, until his kids graduated. Being drunk is preferable state of mind for him than whatever reality he may be having to face (and yes, some of us are trying to help him--he doesn’t need an early grave at 65).

A friend of mine used drugs to escape the world and the demons that followed. Last year, he got clean for good. This year, he started anti depressants. This month, he is soaring.

I know someone else who uses religion. They are happy in this state, and I cannot find fault in that. If someone finds peace, contentedness, happiness when believing in a higher power, let them be. Unless it is so obviously hurting them or others.

Lastly, a small note on medication is that it’s not one size fits all. Medications can be a bitch to deal with, I had to mess around for a long time before I found something that works, which is ativan. If you want your character to go on meds, keep in mind that taking that first pill doesn’t automatically mean they’re suddenly happy and cured for life.

For some, medication means it’s a lifetime thing, and others, a short while. However you decide to do this, is up to you.

Make sure to research it. Make sure to do it well. And if you have struggles and asking if you’re doing it right, reach out to someone about it and ask questions. It’s okay. Nobody should fault you for that.

And as I’ve said before, we can have our happy ending. But it’s your choice on the characters ending because there is no “wrong” way to do it, because some people lose their battle. Some people live to survive it and tell about it, others will battle tooth and nail for the rest of their lives.

So, with this very long post ending, readers, writers, everyone, if you struggle with depression or know someone who has and wish to add on to this post (about your experiences!), feel free to do so! After all, it rears its ugly head differently in everyone, and well rounded information is often given by a multiude of people!

And if anyone has questions, you are free to send me an ask or a message!

[ready8210]

„Let me in your heart again“

2. California calling

Vivian

Munich / Germany - Vivian's Hotel room

It's a shame you have to spend the whole day in a boring plane. I let my eyes wander out of the window, taking in the breathtaking bright blue morning sky, one last time.

It was a nice breathy summer day and I was standing in my hotel room in Munich, had grabbed my packed bags and was ready to go for our "two - year - adventure".

It took me some days to realize, what happened and that I would spend the next years with one of the biggest rock bands in history. Me, little clumsy, timid Vivian.

Unfortunately it didn't take me that long, to realize, my hero, the man himself, Mr Freddie Mercury, literally HATES ME.

Yes he hates me, for sure.

And I have to admit, I shad a view tears, as my fantasizing about what could have been, between the two of us, went overboard and got the best of me.

NO, you can't just really believe that. Of course I didn't cry!! I'm on a MISSION now....giving him the hardest time ever!!!!

I may be a tad to upbeat here. I'm afraid things will evolve in another direction.

* * * *

Munich / Germany - Airport

I took a taxi, earlier today, to get all my bags full of camera equipment and belongings to the airport. Two suitcases for all of my cameras, lenses and all the other stuff, that comes along with being a photographer, plus two, for all my clothes and personal stuff. I'm hopeless when it comes to packing, so I always end up with way to much to carry around.

Finally there, we had some hours to spare and I was killing time, strolling around the multiple shops with my new „friend" Roger Taylor, incessantly asking me about my life and flirting like a manic.

He really can be annoyingly persistent.

I ended up telling him I'm married, having high hopes he would draw his attention to somebody else. Big mistake, I tell you. It encouraged him even more. I finally found some alone time, which was much needed, cause for whatever reason, I didn't feel very sociable today, as Brian and John forcefully tug him away from me, to discuss "something" with the band.

Looking after them, strolling away and making their way to the other end of the hall, I rummage around my bag, to put out my cellphone and headphones and make myself comfortable, while waiting for boarding to begin. I have to smile, as I hear the first tones of „under pressure" resounding in my ear. „How fitting" I giggle, while laying back my head, with closed eyes and sealing myself off from the outside world.

„Boarding for business class passengers will begin in 5 minutes", I hear a tinny voice informing the waiting crowd, as I still lay back in my seat, waiting to head to sunny California. My head is killing me at the moment, many sleepless nights and pervasive anxiety attack's, for the last view days, didn't make it better. And to make matters worse, there's no chance, not even a spark of relaxation, for the next two years. Even less, when you have to deal with a hate - filled Rock God.

Convinced to fly economy today, as Mr. Beach had acknowledged me, a view days ago, I look at my ticket for the first time, since I received it, recognizing, much to my surprise and liking, I am booked for business class.

„Let's go" I mutter noiseless „Let the hell ride begin", putting my way to heavy bag over my shoulder and enthusiastically bouncing up. This new circumstances really lighten up my gloomy mood.

As I make my way to the end of the line of waiting people, I can see Freddie hectically gesturing in my direction and scoffing something to Paul, while shaking his head contemptible, to then shoot me a death glare.

Paul Prenter to be precise. He's one of Freddie's PA's and the both of them are literally inseparable. Sticking together like Siamese twins the whole time. Somehow I feel sorry for Freddie, spending his time with a sneaky, calculating, little rat, always controlling his every move and telling him what to do. I may be prepossessed against Paul, but that's the impression I got so far. Earlier today, Roger did his best, to convince me of Peters malice. And one look at him is enough to know, Roger is right.

Besides that, I already was able to see for myself, when I was invited to the studio again and we all went out for dinner, a view days ago. The day was packed with teasing, despicable glances and subtle insults coming from Paul. After I was invited, I hoped for a more ‚friendly' meeting with Freddie, but he unfortunately took Paul as an example and did his best to make life hard for me.

Someone is not too happy with the fact I will join them business class, I tell myself, as I look at Freddie. I put on a big satisfied smile and look in his direction, while nodding brazenly. His expression changes to pure fury, you literally can see smoke whooshing out of his ears, before he relaxes his hands, which were painfully clenched into fists, showing every vein on his skin, and grabs his bag to quickly walk towards me, with narrowed lips and madness in his eyes. For a second I'm pretty sure he will stab me right there.

I shirk from his look, as a subtle hint of timidity overcomes me and make my way to the counter, as I realize, I'm next in line. A woman behind it checks my passport and ticket with a bored expressing, putting on a exaggerated smile, while handing me my documents back.

„Have a nice and enjoyable flight Ms", I hear her fading voice, already making my way to the plane, through the boarding bridge.

„Your seat Ms Kurzmann", I be led to my place, by a warmly smiling flight attendant. „If you need something, just let me know. Enjoy your flight."

Stowing away my luggage and seating myself, I take in the surroundings. This will be my best flight ever, I smile in satisfaction.

It will not! You'll see.

„Ms Kurzmann?", a friendly man, with a nice British accent appears besides me, seating himself, reaching out his hand to me.

„Yes, Vivian Kurzmann?!" I say half asking, looking astonished, and puzzled at him, as I hesitantly reach out my hand to greet him. I have to stand up to do so. Social interaction is not that easy, when flying business class.

„So You're the photographer the band is all exited about?" he babbles out, putting on a toothy grin, one that indeed shows all of his teeth. He has a really warm and friendly smile, one that immediately makes you feel happy.

„Oh excuse me. How rude of me. I'm Peter Freestone, or Phoebe for almost everybody." he introduces himself, while still giving me a firm handshake.

„Oh, I'm pretty sure not ‚everybody' is pleased with this arrangement." I mumble suggestively, looking at my hands, with Freddie, my new BFF, in mind.

„Phoebe?" I wonder, as we end our handshake. As I realize the word left my mouth, I slowly shake my head, fixing his eyes again and continue „isn't that a woman's name?"

„I suppose it's Freddie you're talking about? Oh I assume you caught him in one of his „good moods" he quips. Realizing my perplexed expression, he continues

„I should explain that. I'm Freddie's PA and he gives all of his close friends new names. Female ones for male and vice versa. Mine is Phoebe." he blinks at me.

„Well then, nice to meet you sir." I respond politely.

„Please call me Phoebe." he requests, as he still tries to make himself comfortable, searching for something in his bag.

„Gladly. I'm Viv." I tell him, leaning back in my seat, letting out a pleased sigh and marveling at what my seat and his surroundings have to offer.

Phoebe starts giggling and mutters:

„I don't think so..."

I turn my attention back towards him with a baffled mien. I already know this flight will be an ‚interesting' one.

„And whats that suppose to mean?" I begin to dig deeper, looking at him, my eyes widening in curiosity.

„Freddie already has chosen your new name." his lips turn into a fiendish smile, as he glances up from his bag and puts out a more then worn out book.

„No way. He literally hates me. I really wouldn't call me a friend of him. Not even close. We're more like Kain and Abel, David and Goliath or Napoleon and Kutuzov. You'll see when we arrive in LA." I put him off.

Phoebe lets out a loud lough „I'm telling you. YOU already have your name set." he assures me, nodding confirmingly.

„Enlighten me please." I request him, feeling curiosity grow in me.

„Brody." he shrugs , without any expression on his face.

„Brody? He couldn't come up with something better?" I ask blankly, still wondering how he came up with this name especially with such a boring one.

„You may ask him yourself." a broadly grinning Phoebe encourages me.

A queasy feeling spreads out, as is realize, I have to handle him for the next two years. And looking back on our two ‚dates', this won't be peaceful two years.

Unfortunately, my naive dream of a happy cure world unexpectedly came to an end last week, on this history - charged Friday and bursted like a soap bubble.

I shake my head in refuse at his words „I don't want to be eaten alive."

„This will be interesting two years." he winks amused.

In a steadily, serious voice I say „Don't get to exited. I may be dead and gone by the end of this day." Letting my head fall on my shoulder and my tongue hanging out of my mouth.

„The boys were right, you are adorable." he snickers.

Immediately turning red on his last remark, I coyly look into my lap.

„Young lady, I have to leave you for a short while. I'll be right back." Phoebe breaks the short silence, standing up from his seat and turning his back to me.

„I'll do my best to keep the evil away and stay alive. See you later." I exclaim, forming a cheeky smile.

As Phoebe strolls away, I grab my phone to ask google about my new dubious name.

‚Dirt' and ‚mud' I read speechless, with widened eyes after some minutes of research.

Staring at my phone with rising rage, I loudly blurt out „THAT SON OF A BITCH.", as Freddie and his partner in crime arrive at their seats. Both looking at me with a mixture of astonishment and aversion.

Freddie?.....here? In business class? The fact he's not flying first class today, for whatever reason, explains the tense atmosphere, now laying over the cabin like a big black cloud.

„Speaking of the devil" I address Freddie, playfully smiling, nodding teasingly at him again.

Something tells me, he wouldn't have expected me to speak to him like this, as his expression changes to a soft puzzled look and every muscle in his face relaxes. Still staring at me and looking me straight in the eyes, I move up my hand to wave at him, shooting him a challenging look. He looks down quickly, as phoebe comes back and passes by. With a long loud sigh Freddie falls into his seat, chatting and snickering with Paul.

Two can play this game Mr Mercury. I move to face my phone again, while shaking my head, still smiling over my little triumph. If he thinks he can intimidate me, than he's on the wrong track.

I really don't know what's coming over me today. It's not my typical introvert behavior, that usually would cause me to turn red like a tomato and go on the run. But I might get used to it.

„Im glad you survived", a winded phoebe collapses into his seat.

„Mephistopheles and his companion decided to leave me alone.

NEVER underestimate a woman and her superpowers" I giggle in response. Phoebe, for whatever reason unable to speak, tries to suppress his laughter.

„Did you take part in a marathon?" I ask in amusement, watching his rapid breathing. „I'm afraid you may need medical assistance."

Phoebe gasps and laughs at my words, which isn't of advantage for his current physical state.

„I'm pretty sure it's you, being dead and gone by tonight, not me." I quip, before giving the pour man his much needed rest.

Taking notice of all the laughter, Freddie turns to face us, jealousy and annoyance washing over his face, looking back and forth between Phoebe and me.

Deciding to ignore him this time - i really don't want to overreach things - I relax in my seat, putting my headphones out of my pocket.

„I Never would" phoebe finally finds his breath again.

"Would what?" I ask startled.

„Underestimate you and your superpowers." he winks, before grabbing his book again and browsing through it.

Noticing Freddie standing there again and staring at us, he whispers „He's a good guy, he's just very serious about his privacy and cautious when it comes to new people coming into his life", while slightly nodding his head in Freddie's direction. „You both will get along well."

„I hope so" I whisper calmly, facing Freddie.

As our eyes meet he holds my gaze for a view seconds, looking at me, as if he is in some kind of trance, before quickly turning his head back in embarrassment - at least it looked like that, as his cheeks started to glow in various red tones.

* * * *

With plugged in headphones I shuffle through my phone, with shaking hands, trying to find the kind of music, that will keep me calm for the tricky part of this flight.

I really enjoy flying, but takeoffs and landings scare the shit out of me. Most of the times everything goes off well, but when anxiety comes over me, I tend to go completely nuts. And this is no understatement.

Feeling a hand on my knee, I look up in surprise.

„You're ok?" a soft voice interrupts my growing panic. „Your hands are shaking like leaves." A concerned phoebe looks at me.

„I will be fine as soon as this bird will be up in the sky" is say assuringly, pointing upwards.

„Fear of flying?" he asks with worry in his voice.

„Not flying per se, just getting up there and down again. Don't worry, I will be fine." I smile at him affirmative.

„What are you listening to?" Phoebe tries his best to distract me.

„Canzonetta Sull'aria" by Mozart. It always helps with my anxieties." And let me tell you I have a lot. I simply reply with a hint of embarrassment in my voice.

„Oh, so you're into classical music?" an enthusiastic Phoebe babbles, with sparkling eyes and a way to big smile on his face. He seems to be as excited as a little boy in a candy store.

„I grew up with it, my grandma would never listen to anything else. I never could understand why, as a young kid. But here we are, over 20 years later....I really enjoy it these days." I tell him while melancholy comes over me.

Phoebe, recognizing my growing nostalgia, warmly smiles at me „I love classical music. I would love to show you my collection one day. I'm sure you'll find some stuff you like. Maybe I can show you something new."

Giving him a sincere smile I nod warmly: „That would be lovely."

„We just have to smuggle you past Mephistopheles." Phoebe giggles while looking in Freddie's direction, his mouse turning Into a mischievous grin.

„Uh?" Unable To disguise my lack of knowledge. „Why is that?" I go on as Phoebe didn't answer.

„I live at Garden Lodge. I'm his PA, so I get paid to always be around. It works best like this." he explains in his soft, calming voice.

„My sincere condolences." I reply ironically. „Living with Mephistopheles must be tricky." I add playfully.

Phoebe shakes his head giggling "You have no idea."

„Please never tell him, I called him that....uhm Mephistopheles I mean." I urge him, as I let my gaze wander to Freddie, who's sitting there, his thoughtful eyes fixed on a pad laying on his lap, while fiddling with a pen.

"My lips are sealed darling." he pats my shoulder, smiling kindly at me.

As I let my gaze wander over Freddie, peacefully sitting there, I surmise sadness in his whole appearance, he's always surrounded by people, most of the time by Paul Prenter, but in his eyes you can still see pure sadness and loneliness. I know this feeling too well.  But that's another story to tell.

After a short while, I look back to my phone, to stop my thoughts and try to prepare for the upcoming departure. Unaware what awaits me on this flight.

My omnipresent panic increases to another level, as it abruptly turns dark outside and the sky is fully covered with thick pitch black thundery clouds.

We were told to be ready for takeoff, as a voice rings out of the speakers: „The flight is delayed due to bad weather. Please remain seated and keep your seatbelt fastened. We're ready for takeoff shortly."

„Ready for takeoff?" I yell hysterically. „They must be fuc*** kidding. They cannot possibly....FU**!" I exclaim much louder as intended.

Phoebe looks at me terrified, based on my unfortunate choice of words and screaming, not able to hold back his laughter.

„You're laughing?" I snap in frustration.

Phoebe puts on a sympathetic face, while trying to calm me.

„Relax Darling. It'll all be over in a view minutes and you'll enjoy the flight." he soothes me.

„Exactly, everything will be over, that's exactly the point." I object.

Freddie, now noticing my panicky splutter, shakes his head, frantically repressing his laughter.

Shooting him a destroying death stare, I cling to my armrests.

As lightening and thunder set in and a heavy rain falls down, I tremulously look outside, the tip of my nose pressed against the little window.

Turning back, I cup my face with my hands, stammering: "We're going to die. Oh god, we're going to die. Please someone get me out of here." Moving my body back and forth repeatedly.

Phoebe now puts his hand on my shoulder - at least he tries to, with this good distance between our seats - and whispers at me. "Look at me."

Hesitantly putting my hands on my thighs, I look into his calm eyes, as tears roll down my cheeks.

Ok Vivian, how embarrassing can it get? You're such a drama queen.

"Take a deep breath, everything will be alright. Keep breathing, calm down." He whispers, his hand still resting on my shoulder.

I thought I was calmly breathing, for everybody involved, it must've looked like the strained panting of a delivering woman.

The captain informs us, we are next in line and will takeoff shortly, as the rain decreases and the last thunder fades.

At this point I completely lose it: „Oh God, we're taking off, you said everything will be fine." I hiss at Phoebe.

„I will die in this fuc*** plane and Mephisto right there will bring me straight to hell." I gasp way to loud. Again!!

I scroll through my phone like a maniac, as a perplexed Phoebe asks „What are you doing?"

„Searching for music....if I have to bite the dust, it won't happen to the sounds of fuc*** Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart." I mumble frustrated.

I felt the plain moving faster and faster as I shuffled through my phone, not exactly knowing, what I was searching for.

I close my eyes, lay my head back and cling to my armrests even tighter. „Please don't crash, please don't crash, please don't crash...!" I wind the words like a mantra.

The moment the airplain gets off, is the worst. „Oh god, oh god, oh god,..." I gush out, til I notice the plane gains altitude and is now in the air.

„You see darling, nothing happened." Phoebe smiles at me, as I open my eyes again.

Much to my surprise everything went off without any turbulences.

„Nothing happend..." I whisper disbelievingly, scanning every part of the cabin.

„Am I dead?" I ask Phoebe in all seriousness, still taking in the surroundings and looking my body up and down.

Phoebe bursts out laughing and shakes his head.

Surprised by his reaction, I look over to Freddie, who is sitting there alone, turned around to face us, his hand pressed against his mouth, giggling uncontrollably.

As my expression hardens, I face Phoebe again. „If we're dead, we went straight to hell. Mephistopheles is still here." I gesture in Freddie's direction, rolling my eyes in annoyance.

Phoebe just giggles and draws his attention back to the book he is holding.

"Darling, you made my day. I hope you're ok? That was an overly impressive performance." I hear a posh British voice chuckle next to me, as I look out of the window.

I turn around and look up, straight into Mephi....Freddie's deep, brown eyes.

For the first time, the sadness is gone. I look into the two most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Eyes filled with honesty and warmth.

As I feel embarrassment grow, I try to avoid his gaze and look down into my lap, where my still shaking, cold hands are laying. "I hope you enjoyed the show." I stammer scarcely audible, to then face him again, and smiling sheepishly at him. It takes me all my remaining strength to do so.

"It distracted me from my own anxiety. From now on you will do this on every flight." He giggles and taps my shoulder, before strolling back to his seat.

Looking after him, like some love struck teenager, trying to grasp what just happened, Phoebe snaps me out of my thoughts.

"As I said, you'll get along well." He says convinced, not looking up, while reading.

"I really hope so" I mumble, my eyes fixed on Freddie's back, as i feel some hope flaming up in me again.

Part 3 will follow soon...

Also published on wattpad:

[spitfcre-a]

a guide to sawyer’s mental health. 

paranoid personality disorder (ppd);

sawyer experiences consistent feelings of mistrust, suspicion and particularly paranoia, she can be hypersensitive and easily insulted, she’s highly observant and believing she’s in danger or under threat and will look for evidence of this even when there’s none to find. she's heavily guarded and keeps her emotions constricted to herself. she can also suffer from difficulty in involving herself with meaningful relationships with others as she will naturally try to isolate herself. she can bear grudges very persistently and has a tendency to interpret others actions as hostile. 

sawyer also reflects several sub-types of paranoia disorder including obdurate paranoid which relates to compulsive behaviours, querulous paranoid which are negative behaviours, malignant paranoid which includes sadistic features and insular paranoid, which surrounds avoidance behaviours. 

the disorder can also include brief psychotic episodes as a response to stress and can lead to further disorders such as manic depressive and those that are substance related, such as sawyer’s obvious difficulties with alcohol. treatments for her disorder could include psychotherapy, antidepressants, anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medications, of which sawyer engages in none of. 

borderline personality disorder (bpd) / emotionally unstable personality disorder (eupd);

sawyer struggles with feelings of abandonment and emptiness, which are usually reacted to with frantic and extreme reactions to these feelings whether justified or not. her thinking will tend to be very black and white for little room for grey areas and will often be applied to herself with mostly negative associations with herself. she exhibits impulsive behaviour which can often turn dangerous including self damaging behaviour, as well as having intense emotional reactions that might be disproportionate to the situation she’s in, or can appear that way to others. 

over the years sawyer has engaged in several unstable and often chaotic relationships with others, including those she has been romantically and sexually involved with, but has not strictly kept to these definitions either, having these kinds of relationships with people she is neither romantically or sexually involved with. 

sawyer additionally has experienced dissociative episodes, severe mood swings as well as frequent and excessive anger, impulsive behaviour, and has shown frequent instability in her relationships with others and an unstable and disturbed sense of her own identity. typically these symptoms would be treated with therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy but again, sawyer does not engage in any of these.

avoidant personality disorder (avpd)

sawyer deals with feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and rejection almost daily. she also has feelings of being socially inept or personally unappealing to others and so will avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked, this also extends to her romantic involvements and can’t understand how or why anyone is interested in her when they are. her main coping mechanism with these feelings is to avoid interactions with others or situations where she will experience negative emotions.

especially when she was younger sawyer exhibited extremely shy and anxious behaviour in social situations, despite the fact that she wants close relationships, she fears starting them worrying that they wont last and so is cautious in starting them. she also has a history of substance abuse that started when she was eighteen and uses alcohol to avoid unwanted feelings and situations and eventually becomes dependent on this method of avoidance and still relies on it now.

depression;

sawyer can be subject to continuous low moods and bouts of sadness, as well as feeling either hopeless or helpless most of the time. she naturally has very ow self esteem as a person and has feelings of guilt daily and consistently throughout the course of a day. she can be found to be irritable at times and intolerant of others who bare specific personality traits she is known to dislike in others. 

though she’s never had any direct suicide attempts she does show similar behaviours by drinking excessively and not caring if she goes too far, her drinking often putting her in situations where she could be in danger, her attitude to drinking being very harmful to her. 

sex addiction;

sawyer has something of a sex addiction, though like the other disorders she has she doesn’t actually acknowledge that she has them. her attitude to sex is very harmful towards herself, in her early twenties she went through a particularity bad phase of engaging frequent in one night stands and prolonged relationships that were reliant on sex alone and bore no emotional commitment between herself or her sexual partner.

on these occasions sawyer had difficulty finding emotional satisfaction during sexual activities, somewhat ironic when engaging in the acts to begin with was to avoid negative emotions of guilt and shame which she would end up feeling by the end of the act anyway. though wanting to curb her behaviour on several occasions sawyer would only end up engaging in more and more similar activities to a higher degree to try and gain the effect she wanted to the point that it started to effect her day to day life and responsibilities outside of having sex. 

this disorder could be treated with different behavioural therapies and even medication, but again, sawyer is not one to actually deal with her problems. 

[mckinnonkate]

dal segno

(once again, this came from something i tweeted and then spiraled into Something when i was thinking about it in the shower one night so that’s. a mood)

tagging @today-in-fic

He’s been pestering her about it for weeks.

As soon as she made it through the first trimester (which, she has to keep reminding herself, both she and the baby passed with flying colors), Mulder took it upon himself to consider them in the clear. At the least, they were safer than they were before. He had already been excited at the prospect of having another child, but that excitement felt overshadowed by the anxiety that blanketed them both. The first twelve weeks of pregnancy are precarious, and coupling that with how high risk hers is, they’ve felt like they’ve been holding their breath, waiting for the wind to get knocked out of them. With that behind them, however, Mulder took it as the green light to barrel full speed ahead into the wide world of baby, even if Scully herself hadn’t climbed aboard quite yet.

His eagerness, though understandable and welcome considering the alternative, has manifested into an incessant need to prepare. She understands, of course she does, but she could really do without every Ooh, Scully, let’s get one of these and Scully, look, we need this that he spits out whenever they find themselves in a department store.

She can’t even escape it at home. She sits lengthwise on their couch, her back braced by two firm pillows and her socked feet cushioned in his lap. She’s reading some novel from last year that she swore she’d get to eventually, while on the other end of the couch he occupies himself with whatever it is he does on his tablet. They sit in comfortable silence, not unlike they do most nights, until he interrupts the idyllic scene.

“Hey, check out this crib.”

His voice slices through the quiet like a knife, leaving an empty chasm in its wake. Any other night, and she might have feigned interest and let him show her whatever it is he wanted to buy. Tonight, for some reason (and she ignores the possibility of said reason being the fact that this morning she began to actually feel the flutters and taps of their child against her skin), his inane comment pushes her over the edge, and she lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Mulder, we have twenty-four more weeks to look at cribs. We really don’t have to do this right now.”

Thinking he can persuade her to play along, he pouts and rubs a hand up her leg.

“C’mon, humor me,” he coaxes. “I feel wholly unprepared, and I just want to get some gear for the little one.” To punctuate his plea, he slides the hand on her leg up to cradle her abdomen, which has gradually become more of a swell than a slope. The tenderness of the action calms her a bit, but there’s still a fire in her gut, forcing her to push the subject.

“Trust me, I’m the one who’s done this before,” she snaps, noting the brief look of hurt that crosses his features but not wanting to think too much about it. “It was months before I bought anything…the first time.” Though she had the presence of mind to omit any actual reference to their first child, the unsaid for William hangs in the air between them. Still, ever the optimist in his middle age, Mulder tries once more to engage her and, hopefully, salvage the evening. After a moment, he scoffs, a jovial sound, attempting to bring the mood back to lighter territory.

“The woman who would schedule having a cold, if she could, waited that long before planning for a baby? That doesn’t sound even remotely plausible.” As he speaks, the hand on her belly moves in circles over the soft fabric of her t-shirt. Her senses are suddenly overwhelmed by his touch and she finds it hard to catch her breath.

“Well, I was a little preoccupied planning your funeral,” she retorts, and the words are out of her mouth before she has time to filter the thought. His hand stills and he draws back from her. He returns his focus to the device in front of him, refusing to look at her. She pulls her feet off his lap and shifts her legs, one dangling off the couch and the other folded in front of her. She regrets the effect her remark seems to have had on him, but she doesn’t really regret saying it.

For the most part, they’ve managed to work through the events of their past. It took years of work, to be sure, but eventually they reached a place where it wasn’t as overwhelming to think about all that they’ve lost, and the pain was a dull ache rather than a persistent throbbing. In moments like this, though, it’s clear they have more work to do. Considering the unexpected miracle on the way, that’s probably something they should focus on. He turns his eyes toward her, and even though she still won’t meet his gaze, he speaks.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t – I wasn’t trying to –“

“I know,” she interrupts. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did.”

“But you still mean it,” he acknowledges, dipping his head to catch her downturned glance. She looks up at him, finally, and regards him with a sad smile.

“It’s not a matter of meaning anything, it’s just what happened,” she explains. He reaches out for her hand and she meets him in the middle, interlocking their fingers.

“I didn’t even think about how you’d be affected…what memories this would bring back,” he confesses. “I didn’t even know.” She exhales a hollow laugh and smooths her thumb over his.

“How could you? It’s not like we’ve ever talked about it, not like this.” It startles him to realize she’s right. When he was first returned, and the prospect of fatherhood loomed closer and closer, that was primarily what they talked about: how things would be once the baby was born. They got past the initial awkwardness, sure, but they rarely, if ever, discussed the specific details of what she endured in those months without him. They spoke in broad generalities, dancing around moments in time and only really expressing their mutual loneliness and hopelessness. He realizes, now, that there’s still so much she’s never told him, and after eighteen years, that might be a bit overdue. However, they certainly don’t need to cover all of that ground tonight. Instead, he decides to take the first tentative step.

“Then let’s do it. Talk about it, all of it. I’m here for you this time. I want to be present in every way I can, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally and any other way you need me to be here. You just have to talk to me, Scully,” he says, earnestly looking into her eyes and imploring her to open up to him. “This is our chance to do things differently.”

She thinks she might actually believe him. He gives her a moment to process what he’s said and then, thinking that’s all the progress they’re going to make for now, returns to his idle shopping. He plans on sitting there, frozen, holding onto her hand until she decides to let go, but she surprises him by speaking up.

“I’m just…scared. I’m scared all the time,” she says, voice little more than a whisper. He leans forward, placing his tablet on the coffee table, before turning and pulling her to him (something, he notes, he won’t be able to do easily for much longer). She goes willingly, landing flush next to him and wrapping her arms around his torso. His hand lands on her shoulder, and he pulls her in closer still.

“It still doesn’t feel real, and I don’t know how to cope with that. I keep forgetting that it’s true, I’m really pregnant, and I’m protruding, Mulder.” She sniffles through the last bit of her statement and he holds back from chuckling at her choice of words. He rests his lips against the crown of her head, letting them stall there in a perpetual kiss to sooth her as she speaks.

“I feel like I’m right where I was the first time – just as anxious about this baby now as I was before. I wish I could share your enthusiasm and not worry about the future, but when it comes to my children, that’s all I know how to do. If something goes wrong…I don’t know how I could come back from that. I couldn’t allow myself to be happy then and I’m not sure I’m capable of choosing to be happy now.”

As she finishes, she lets out a shaky breath and deflates against Mulder’s side. He’s grateful that she chose to share this with him, but hearing some of his own anxiety vocalized sends a jolt of electricity down his spine. He knows they aren’t quite dealing with the same feelings, not by a long shot, but he also knows that right now, he has the power to put her at ease.

“You’re allowed to be scared. I’m scared too,” he admits, “though evidently I’m very good at hiding it.” She turns and presses her face into his side, meant to camouflage the wet sound of her gently crying. “After everything we’ve dealt with, I think having some worries is valid. It’s also valid to hope that, even with everything we’ve been through, we deserve to find some semblance of happiness.”

She moves her head back from his body and drags her eyes up his face, searching his for the conviction she’s sure is in his words. Finding it, or at least something she can hold onto, she stretches up and captures his lips. He meets her in the kiss, pressing his mouth to hers with the promise of the future on his tongue. She pulls back, momentarily regretting initiating the loss of his warmth on her lips, and settles more deeply into his side. After a few moments, she remembers something else she should have shared with him.

“I felt her this morning,” she offers, looking up at him through long lashes. “I can feel her moving now.” His answering smile grips her heart like a vise, and for maybe the thousandth time in the last four months, she realizes there’s no one she’d rather share this (impossible) experience with. He moves his arm from around her as both of his hands go to her belly, bracketing the sides of it and drawing small lines with his thumbs. One of her hands finds its way to his hair, the other rests atop the little bulge where their baby is, most likely, training to be an Olympic gymnast.

“You won’t be able to feel it out here for another few months,” she reminds him, “but at least I know she’s doing okay so far.” He shifts farther against the arm of the couch to lean down and press a kiss to her stomach, right above her belly button. He looks up at her and cocks an eyebrow.

“You keep saying ‘she’ and ‘her’…you know something I don’t, Doc?” he teases. She laughs, a genuine, warm sound, and shakes her head.

“No, just a feeling. And it happens to be a good one.”

[sleepguruin]

Sleep and Depression – How Are They Interlinked?

How many times have you thought that sleep is a waste of time? Are you guilty of pushing your body to go without sleep simply because you have chores to do or even because you want to watch that movie? You are not alone is disregarding sleep. Sleep is one of the most undermined things that people readily take for granted. However, sleep, both sleeplessness and oversleeping, is a cause of concern. Sleep is closely related to your health, both physical and mental, and cause severe impacts on both the faculties. This article will outline the relationship that sleep shares with your mental state, especially depression.

Sleep and Depression Defined

Before you try to understand the relationship shared between sleep and depression, it would be helpful to understand these two concepts individually:

Sleep: Sleep is defined as the naturally recurring state of your body in which there is a loss of consciousness, reduced muscle movement, and reduced environment interaction. Any disorder associated with sleep falls broadly under:

Sleep Deprivation: This is the condition when you sleep for a lesser number of hours than is demanded by your body. It is also known as sleeplessness or lack of sleep.

Over Sleeping: This is clocking in more hours of sleep than your body requires due to poor sleep quality.

Depression: Depression is a mood disorder. It causes persistent feelings of sadness and creates disinterest in anything and everything in your life. Generally characterized by intense sadness, remorse, and hopelessness, depression tends to cripple a person’s daily life as effectively if not more than any other medical illness. It is also known as “Major Depressive Disorder” or “Clinical Depression.”

WHO has currently pegged the number of people suffering from depression worldwide at a staggering 264 million and counting.

How Depression Affects Sleep?

As a child, chances are you never had trouble going to sleep. But as and how you grew, it started making you more and more effort just to fall asleep. There are hosts of the reason for this ranging from anxiety, stress to something severe like depression. Depression, apart from taking over your life, also takes over your sleep.

One of the most common and core symptoms of depression is sleep disorders. Approximately 75 percent of people with depression are known to have sleep problems. Some might have trouble getting to sleep, others might have trouble staying asleep, and some might even oversleep. Whatever the sleep problem, the fact is that depression disrupts your sleep pattern. These are discussed in detail below:

Insomnia: Insomnia is when you cannot fall or stay asleep. Depression causes anxiety and stress. It puts you in a sad, remorseful mood that is not conducive to getting or even staying asleep.

Hypersomnia: This is feeling excessively sleepy during the day or Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS). Hypersomnia will cause you to feel abnormally sleepy during the day, even when you have had a good quality full night rest. Depression makes you excessively tired. This makes you want to sleep even during the day.

Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA): OSA is a condition where the person stops breathing involuntarily during sleep for brief moments. A 2003 study involving 19,000 people concluded that depression increased your chances of getting OSA by up to 5 times. Further, a study conducted in 2017 of 182 people found that out of the 47 people with depression, 41 people also hade OSA symptoms ranging from mild to severe.

A 2006 study involving 25,000 people concluded a link between depression and people getting too little sleep or too much sleep.

How Sleep Affects Depression?

Sleep and depression share a two-way relationship with depression, causing sleep issues and sleep disorders leading to symptoms of depression. Sleep is when your body gets the chance to revive, refresh, and rejuvenate from the day’s event. It is during sleep that your body prepares itself for the next day.

When you do not get enough rest, your body gets thrown off track and comes under too much pressure. This throws your body into high levels of stress, anxiety, and a host of other behavioral issues, including depression.

Apart from this, sleeplessness impacts the hormone production function of your body, especially the happiness hormone “Dopamine.” This is a feel-good hormone and is how your brain “rewards” you. It is involved with pleasurable sensations. A 2007 review clearly links fall in the dopamine levels of your body with depression.

The co-relation as per various other clinical studies is discussed below:

Insomnia and Hypersomnia: A study in 2005 found that people with insomnia were ten times more likely to develop depression. Further, a 1997 study conclusively linked both insomnia and hypersomnia with increased suicidal thoughts and actions.

Obstructive Sleep Apnea: A 2009 study on OSA and depression found that nearly 21% to 41% of people getting treated for OSA exhibited signs of depression. Also, the risk of developing depression due to OSA increases with age. A study found that about 25% of people over 65 years of age suffering from OSA also developed depression.

Tips to Sleep Better Under Depression

You have to sleep. Sleeping elevates your mood and helps you overcome depression. However, sleeping is hard when you are depressed. Some pointers that can help you sleep better under depression are:

Calm the Mind: During the hours when sleep eludes you and anxiety threatens to overtake, you can use some techniques to calm yourself down. This will help you relax enough to drift into sleep. Some of these techniques are:

Concentrate on your body: It is important to stay attuned to your body. If you are not physically comfortable, then your chances of falling asleep even on good days are slim. Some pointers to keep you comfortable are:

Tone down your surroundings: Your sleep surroundings affect your ability to sleep tremendously. If your sleep surroundings are not comfortable then you will have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. Some things to bear in mind are:

Depression: Apart from this, you should also try to deal with the basic problem, which here is depression. Dealing with depression can also help cure your sleep problems. Some ways of doing this are:

Conscious Relaxation: These include techniques meant to make you physically comfortable, like loosening your clothes, deep breathing, meditation, music, etc.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps you overcome sleep problems by focusing on your behavior and thoughts. It helps you change your pattern before sleeping and assists you in keeping your thoughts attuned to your sleep needs. It trains your mind to focus on positive thoughts and ignore negative thoughts that prevent you from sleeping.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): This is a part of CBT. The difference lies in the fact that DBT focuses more on specific sensations and emotional and social aspects, whereas CBT is more general. DBT is used to help people with extreme behavior and social problems.

Adjust the room temperature and keep it cool. Research shows that you sleep better under cool conditions.

Wear loose and light clothing, so you don’t feel wrapped in

Invest in good mattress, pillow and bed linen

Avoid having a TV in your bedroom. TV’s are known stimulants. They make your brain active and prevent you from relaxing enough to sleep.

Keep the ambiance nice and neutral. You should have bright colors and light in the room. Remember, the point is to relax enough to sleep.

Close the curtains and tone down any noise in your room.

Make sure there are no physical disturbances like a clock ticking or water dripping that can disturb you in the night.

Talk about your anxiety and fears with family and friends

No matter how much you might wish to down your sorrows in alcohol, avoid it

It might seem counter-intuitive, but nicotine will also not help with depression or sleep. Quit smoking or avoid it for at least a few hours before sleep.

Caffeine can help uplift your mood, but it is best taken a couple of hours before sleep so that it does not unnecessarily stimulate your senses.

Don’t underestimate meditation and yoga. They have been known to help keep your thoughts focused and keep you grounded to reality

Get some Vitamin D. Sunlight is a natural mood enhancer. It is difficult to perceive of anything going wrong when you are hit with the bright sunny rays.

Finally, consider getting professional help if all seems to fail.

Clearing Doubts

Some common queries are answered below to settle your mind.

Does depression cause you to oversleep as well?

Depression and sleep are closely related. One of the first signs and symptoms of depression is a sleeping disorder. This can be both sleeplessness and oversleeping. They are both related to mental health issues, and oversleeping may be a sign of clinical sleep disorder like hypersomnia, which in turn is a sign of clinical depression.

Does sleep affect your mental health?

Sleep and mental health are closely connected. Their relationship goes both ways. Poor sleep and sleep deprivation are associated with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Sleep disorder both causes these mental health conditions and is a result of these conditions as well.

Is insomnia considered a mental health problem?

Insomnia is defined by the following characteristics:

Difficulty falling asleep

Difficulty staying asleep

Waking up too early in the morning

Insomnia is a sleep disorder. It is not considered as an isolated mental or medical illness but rather viewed as a symptom of some other underlying medical issue.

Why can’t I stop thinking while trying to sleep?

The only way you can stop thinking altogether when conscious is by turning off your brain. However, research shows that it is impossible to shut off your brain while you are awake. Trying not to think makes you think even more. So, the trick when trying to sleep is not to concentrate on trying not to think but to think about neutral things that will not cause any anxiety or worry for you. This thinking pattern is conducive to sleeping and helps you stay asleep longer as well.

Bottom Line

Sleep is the most natural thing in the world that generally requires little to no effort on your part. It is as important a function as eating and breathing. The consequences of sleep go beyond, affecting just your physical body. Sleep penetrates the functioning of your brain as well and holds the potential to push you into depression. Hence smarten up and before sleep takes you to task catch up to those snoozes.

[theintrinsicwarrior]

The ‘Self-Help’ Problem

“Self-Help”. Hearing that term will probably make you think of TED talks, Tony Robbins seminars and meditation. I assume you already know what self help is, but if not, it’s basically a word used to describe a genre of material that involves giving people advice in different areas of life and providing information regarding one’s own self-development and wellbeing. It’s a very broad genre that deals with what it’s name suggests: Helping yourself. In this post I want to talk about the most common trap that people (myself included) often run into with this material. I’ve been on my own journey with this stuff and I will say now that, although there a lot of problems with this material, it can also provide a lot useful tools that are backed up by psychology and scientific recognition. Although it looks like it, this isn’t going to be a biased rant with me bashing this industry with everything I have. In fact, I still use some of the things I’ve learnt from this material in my life today with great results. This will be me talking about the common pitfall people run into with this material and I’ll use my own experience as an example.

First of, let’s break down this term “Self-Help”. This word implies that you: your self, needs ‘help’. It implies that you have a problem and need help with it. That you are not good right now and that you need help make yourself good. You have an issue with yourself, so logically, you need ’self help’. Off to a great start, right? Let’s paint a picture to illustrate my point here. Imagine a guy. This guy’s name is Luke. Luke has a severe case of social anxiety, realises it and begins reading self help books on how to overcome social anxiety. Logical right? Luke reads these books, feels motivated and decides to go to a bar and talk to people. He gets to the bar and his mind is going blank and crazy at the same time. He sits down anxiously while looking for a group or person to approach. As time goes by his anxiety increases, nerves are on overdrive and starts to sweat heavily. His heart is going faster than Usain bolt. His entire physiology is saying ‘this is scary, we have to get out of here!’. He tells himself ’this is a mistake, I can’t do this’ and decides to go home. He drives home with what feels like a tidal wave of shame and regret to come over him. Thoughts of self-doubt overwhelm him at the same time. After these thoughts and feelings, he thinks: ‘maybe those books I read were shit?’, ‘maybe I should try looking at some better stuff on Youtube?’. So he does. He watches some random YouTube videos that deal with social anxiety and once again, gets motivation to go out and approach people. You already know what happens. He once again feels overwhelmed by anxiety, wimps out, drives home with shameful feelings, only to seek out more self help material. Maybe he goes into depression, thinking he will never ‘beat’ his anxiety. Whats actually happening here is his belief that his social anxiety is a problem is reinforcing itself, ultimately affecting how he views himself. He never stops to say: ‘what if having social anxiety is OK and in the end, that makes me OK?’ What if Luke takes a second to stop trying to change himself, stops trying to find the perfect book on how to ‘fix’ himself and just accept himself? Howbowdeh!? This is the common problem I’m talking about: The lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Right now I’m studying Psychology & Counselling and I’ve learnt some interesting things about therapy and different therapeutic modalities. So far, my favourite psychologist I’ve learnt about is Carl Rogers. My guy Carl Rogers founded a modality in counselling known as ‘Person centred therapy’. It is based around many principles but one of them is a condition known as ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’. This refers to the therapist unconditionally accepting the client as they are, as opposed to accepting them under certain conditions. His theory here was that if the therapist demonstrates unconditional acceptance to the client, they are likely to accept themselves which would allow them to comprehend their issues effectively. I’ve personally experienced this when I went to see a psychologist, seen video footage of sessions where this is demonstrated and read about it in countless text books. I’d say it works! So let’s go back to the example of Luke. If Luke did end up accepting himself unconditionally, and accepted that being socially anxious is fine and that he doesn’t need to be ‘fixed', wouldn’t he be more likely to feel comfortable in social situations? Right now, he’s basically telling himself “being socially anxious is a problem and therefore I cannot be myself” His entire self concept revolves around trying to be confident in social situations, which always reinforces the idea that he isn’t when he becomes anxious. The thing I want to express most here is that, once upon a time, I was Luke. I mean, my social anxiety was not as extreme as his, but it still caused me to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. I would read book after book, article after article, trying to ‘fix myself’. I worked overtime to become the super confident, extroverted badass who everybody liked and was friends with and repressed any uncomfortable emotions I’d feel regarding my awkwardness. Among other issues, it led to me getting depression symptoms and motivated me to see a therapist to find out why I was bombarded with negative thoughts and emotions. Turns out, accepting myself was all I had to freaking do! Though, accepting your imperfections is far from the easiest thing in the world, it was easily one of the most liberating things I could have ever done. The message here? You don’t need to be fixed! There’s nothing wrong with you! I don’t care if you’ve been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, PTSD and OCD. I don’t care if you literally shit your pants every time you go to a party where you know people. Realise there’s nothing to fix or work on. There’s no magic book, article, seminar, life coach, weekend retreat, TED talk, meditation routine, NLP course or YouTube video that is going to make you ’normal'! Realise those imperfections make you incredible, unique and great. Own that aspect of yourself, retrain your mind to see the greatness in your imperfections and watch progress unfold (and all the money you’ll save!). 

Another thing I want speak on regarding self help is two mindsets: The first one is this “just be positive and say 10 affirmations in the mirror every morning” mindset’. The second is the “just be confident and you’ll get everything you want in your life” type ideology the general majority of self help content preaches. Every second self help book, article, YouTube video will pump you with this idea that if you are feeling negative emotions and don’t feel confident in yourself, the answer is simple: focus on the positive! Duh! Feeling depressed about losing your job, your dog dying and your recent break-up? Simple! Just say positive affirmations like “I am good enough and deserve everything good in life” every morning in the mirror while smiling because that will make you happy! Problem solved! Happy days, come at me! If you can’t tell by the tone here, I’m being sarcastic. For you to tell someone who is depressed and has a hopeless outlook in life to just say some positive things, focus on the positive to try and change their feelings is counter-productive. The more that person tries to focus on being positive, the more they are reminded that they’re depressed and have negative thoughts, making it worse! To focus on what you ‘don’t have' in order to get away from what you have right now is going to only reinforce a ‘scarcity mindset’. It’s you saying “I don’t have this thing right now and I need it to be OK with myself”. It’s going back to what I said in the previous paragraph: Rejecting your current state as not being good enough just reinforces your current state as not being good enough even more. It becomes a paradox: The more you reject a negative state of being, the more it will persist. Oooh, don’t you love paradoxes?! Negative states of being are one of those things that need to be experienced and embraced, no matter how uncomfortable they are. They need to be accepted (there’s that word again!). You ask anyone who has been through an epically painful experience and they will likely say something along the lines of: "It was hard to go through that, but I’m thankful I did because it made me stronger/better/confident etc.” Ok, that might be a generalisation, but I’ve heard this enough times from others and tell myself this all the time regarding certain experiences. So now the bullshit “acting confident even if you’re not is the ticket to kicking ass in life” mindset. Before I go into this, can I just say, confidence has to be one of the most ambigous concepts regarding human behaviour. How do you measure confidence? What does a confident person act like? These questions plagued me in a good portion of my 20’s. At one point, I came to a conclusion that confidence is measured by how much you talk. It’s how extraverted you act in social scenarios. It’s how much you can prove you don’t care. It’s how indifferent you are in relation to things happening to you, good or bad. I walked around for a good 7-8 years believing this. Can you blame me? Our society pumps us with this notion that confidence is basically you being overly sure of yourself, super-talkative and indifferent on an obnoxious scale. Yeah, that’s what confidence is! Of course! Thank you society!  If I went to parties or a social gathering and acted like that (which I have, mind you!), you best believe people are going to cringe so hard their facial muscles will be getting a workout! For self help to communicate the repetitive message of ’the key is to just be confident’ is stupid on too many levels to even fathom. In my experience, confidence come's from failing over and over, till you reach the point where you have experience and just know what to do - because you’ve done it a million times. Note the keyword in that last sentence: Failing. Another keyword: Experience. If we want to make a logical formula for confidence it would go something like: Repeated failure = Experience = Confidence. Howbowdeh!? "But I want examples, Aden!” Of course you do. When I started taking exercise seriously, I went through a period of 4-5 years where I would: Lose the weight I wanted, get too comfortable with food, put on more than weight I lost before, get motivated again and repeat the cycle. At first I wasn’t ‘confident’ in how to lose weight. There were so many things that contributed to weight loss that it confused me: What types of food do I eat? how much of it do I have? What exercises do I need to do? . I repeated this cycle where I would get success and inevitably ‘fail’ enough times to the point where I just knew I could lose weight if I ever put it on again. Cut calories, salt, sugar, dense carbs. Have lower portion meals and increase high intensity cardio mixed with some muscle building workouts. In the formula, It would look like: Gain weight (Repeated Failure) = Learn how to lose weight (Experience) = Confidence in losing weight/gaining muscle. All of this can be summed up by saying: "Get comfortable with failing and you’ll become confident". Repeating that: You’ll ‘become’ confident. As in, you’ll just be confident and not have to worry about whether you are or not. Self help says: "You’ll become confident when you start ACTING like it”. See that word? Acting? That implies that you're not confident, so if you have to act confident, that reinforces the reality that you’re not confident. Awesome, my guy. Go through life like that and see what happens. ‘Fake it till you make it’ is the common saying. "But Aden, failing over and over just to be confident is going to be hard, draining, not to mention it will take forever!" I get it. Obviously, failing over and over again is not easy. It’s not sexy. It’s not quick and convenient . If there’s one thing self help content will try to sell you is ‘quick and convenient’, short term tactics to get results. My hypothesis? You already know. Be happy with failing. Treat failures as essential lessons for 'next time’. Learn ’the hard way’. Extract the ‘gift' out of every experience, good or bad. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

To sum up this whole post: First, Accept yourself and negative states unconditionally, other wise you’ll end up chasing a false illusion of happiness. Second, learn things the hard way: Through honest experience and taking the lessons from those experiences to gain confidence, as opposed to copying what you perceive a confident person does. I’ll also take this time to say that, while most self-help can border around the naive and unrealistic, I’d recommend looking into authors that are categorised as ’self help’ but are actually geared towards the things I spoke about in this post - self acceptance and congruence. Mark Manson, the author of a book you’ve probably seen in book shops called ’The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***’, is probably one of the most popular to reject these notions of obnoxious, positivity escapism and incongruent confidence ideas. The Subtle Art and his book for men regarding dating and relationships titled Models have been key since I’ve practiced self-acceptance and let go of toxic self help ideology. 

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

- Carl Rogers

[unillustratedadventures]

On the Crushing of Souls (Kim Saeed)

This is a transcript of the following video: http://unillustratedadventures.tumblr.com/post/166525776214/narcissistic-abuse-feels-different-words-in-the

(Words by Kim Saeed.)

“Why does narcissistic abuse often affect us so differently than other traumatic events? All traumatic events are deeply impactful, and life-altering. Narcissistic abuse feels different. It has its damaging effects on a different psychological level.”

“Narcissistic abuse is inflicted by someone you love, and it targets you for who you are. A mugging is based on any person who walks by, who has a purse or wallet. Car crashes happen because someone wasn’t paying attention. And earthquakes are just random natural events. They have nothing to do with the sort of person you are. Narcissistic abuse, on the other hand, is like a laser beam on just this dimension of your psyche—you, as a person, are not loveable, have no redeeming qualities, and are a waste of space and time. The narcissistic abuser repeatedly exploits your fear of abandonment in order to make you more dependent on them and more likely to stay attached to them, despite—or rather, paradoxically, because of—the misery you find yourself in.”

“Narcissistic abuse is soul-crushing. That is why the trauma feels so different, and also why it is so difficult to overcome. We are left feeling so utterly helpless and hopeless. That is how narcissistic abuse works, why it is so debilitating, and why it feels different than other kinds of emotional trauma.”

“They may have been wounded as children. But those children are long gone, leaving only an adult with an underdeveloped level of emotional maturity, non-existent emotional intelligence, and deficient attachment capabilities. What’s left in that child’s place is a scheming manipulator, who doesn’t give a care about anyone except themselves.”

“Like many people who’ve endured narcissistic and emotional abuse, you probably didn’t realise what was happening to you, until you reached a point of near insanity, and began searching desperately for reasons why your fairytale romance took a grievous turn for the worse.”

“The salvation of the relationship always lies on the distant horizon, and is entirely dependent on your changing something about yourself—which is impossible to do, in spite of frantic efforts on your part, because your self-absorbed mate constantly changes the goal posts. These shady behaviours are indicators of having a destructive personality disorder.”

“You are being abandoned in every way possible. Abandonment has its own kind of grief—a powerful grief, universal to human beings. The grief can be acute, as when we go through the ending of a relationship, or chronic, as when we feel the impact of earlier losses and disconnection. Unresolved abandonment is a primary source of self-sabotage.”

“If you feel your partner simply puts up with you—only coming around to keep you strung along—it is because you serve a purpose. If communicating with your partner leaves you feeling unheard, unstable, and frustrated, it’s because they don’t care about you, much less what you have to say. A person who loves you would want to spend time with you, know all about you, and ensure that you feel safe and cared for.”

“Narcissists mock and ridicule for many reasons, including making themselves appear superior. One of the trademarks of narcissistic individuals is the way they hijack their victim’s world—the ‘walking on eggshells’ feeling, and persistent anxiety that you experience. This comes from the fear of not knowing what will upset your volatile partner. Your best thought-out plans may crumble around your feet, leaving you with a gnawing feeling of despair and hopelessness.”

“You focus all your energies on how to make your partner love you, and treat you once again like the soulmate they said you were. There is no loophole, in this regard, that disqualifies your partner from being abusive, no matter what they would have you believe.”

“Name-calling is a form of abuse. It is used to belittle you and make you question your worth. It is employed during rage attacks and blame-storms, and, alternately, under the guise of joking. Name-calling is never appropriate.”

“You are exhausted by the repeated cycles of hurt and rescue. This tactic preys on your emotions. The narcissist causes you a great deal of stress and anxiety, and then abruptly relieves that stress. The most common tactic used by the narcissist in this category is the silent treatment, which evokes your fear of abandonment. When the narcissist finally returns, you experience a rush of euphoric relief.”

“Repeated cycles of hurt and rescue are emotionally exhausting. This is the same method used in police interrogations to get a person to confess—sometimes even when they are innocent. When the narcissist returns after numerous stints of the silent treatment, you are emotionally defenseless, and are more prone to accepting their offensive behaviours, in order to avoid them leaving you again. Further, this often leads to your pleading, apologising, and begging the narcissist to stay, even when you have done no wrong. Hurt and rescue cycles explain why narcissistic abuse victims experience cravings and obsessive thoughts, once No Contact has been executed.”

“If you constantly wonder about the status of your relationship, ruminate about what you could do differently, believe the problems are all your fault, constantly obsess about what your partner is up to, experience mood swings, are constantly fearful and anxious, and/or feel like less of a person than before you met your partner, you have been the victim of emotional abuse. It’s important to understand that the aftermath of emotional trauma needs to be taken seriously.”

_______________________________

For those who object to the label ‘narcissistic abuse’ (my words):

For those who object to the label ‘narcissistic abuse’, under the assumption that it amounts to an ableist slur against those with NPD, you are straightforwardly mistaken about the reason for the label ‘narcissistic abuse’. In all fairness, it is possible that a great many targets of narcissistic abuse are similarly mistaken.

Narcissism is a completely general dimension of personality. Everyone has some degree of narcissism, which one might construe as a person’s general tendency towards having narcissistic motivations, or acting in narcissistically motivated ways. (It is possible for one’s degree of narcissism to change over time.) Not all narcissistically motivated actions are emotionally abuse, and not all instances of emotional abuse are narcissistically motivated.

Narcissistic abuse is just emotional abuse that is narcissistically motivated. Someone who does not have NPD can still be narcissistically motivated, or emotionally abusive, or both. Accordingly, it is possible for someone to be narcissistically abusive without having NPD.

In order to be diagnosed with NPD, one must have a comparatively greater tendency towards narcissistic abuse. However, it doesn’t follow that everyone with NPD will be narcissistically abusive, given the opportunity. Very roughly, to have NPD is to be extremely prone to having narcissistic motivations (to the point of dysfunction), whether or not these motivations happen to lead to abusive behaviours. Again, not all narcissistically motivated behaviours are emotionally abusive, and not all emotional abuse is narcissistically motivated. Narcissistic abuse is simply emotional abuse that is narcissistically motivated, regardless of whether it is imposed by someone who has NPD.

There is a tendency to call a narcissistic abuser ‘a narcissist’ or ‘the narcissist’. E.g. this happens in the attached video. However, the intended meaning of ‘narcissist’ varies wildly. It is sometimes used to refer exclusively to people who have NPD. I would say that this is a fairly sloppy and ill-advised use of the term, for reasons that should be clear from the above. ‘Narcissist’ is also sometimes used (more defensibly) to refer to anyone who is sufficiently prone to having narcissistic motivations (where this might not be sufficient for NPD), or even anyone who is presently acting with a narcissistic motivation. It is in this latter, more defensible sense that I would interpret a use of ‘a narcissist’ or ‘the narcissist’, in a discussion of narcissistic abuse. E.g. in the context of such a discussion, the narcissist would simply be the relevant person who is acting with a narcissistic motivation. In other words, the narcissist would be the relevant person who has performed an emotionally abusive act because of a narcissistic motivation.

[camentalwellness669-blog]

Some Known Factual Statements About Therapists For Anxiety

Overcoming Anxiety Fundamentals Explained

Your magic inquiry below is: "What could I do?" Consider all the resources you can resort to deal with stress and anxieties that could become fact-- friends, family, internal toughness, medical insurance, nerve, etc. Exactly how would you deal? What could you do? If you really had a mind lump (despite the fact that you know it's probably just a headache), what would certainly you do? You would find a great oncologist, take some time off from work, stick to your therapies, and also rely upon loved ones.

But the point is that there are things you could do. The scenario wouldn't be hopeless. Thankfully, most of our concerns aren't that vacation gets drizzled out? What would certainly you do? Be familiar with every museum in the city, or get a truly huge umbrella as well as head out even with the climate.

The Facts About Overcoming Anxiety Revealed

And if they don't, you'll still have constructed a terrific life with a vast circle of good friends. Your fears may seem frustrating, but you can manage basically anything life tosses at you, from curveballs to screwballs. Incentive: While hunting anxiety in bushes of your brain, watch out for the unique plumage of a concern mark.

When you catch on your own asking concerns that start with "What if ..." change your question to a statement as well as after that challenge it. As an example, "What happens if the airplane crashes?" is tough to address positively-- that would be a disaster. Modification the inquiry to a statement--" The aircraft is going to crash"-- and also currently you can tackle it by asking, "What are the probabilities of that occurring?" A version of this item originally appeared on Quick as well as Dirty Tips .

Some Known Factual Statements About Anxiety Therapy

Order http://enterhollywood.com/news/attorney-turned-psychotherapist-launches-practice-in-downtown-san-francisco/0188293/ printed copies of this guide Worry is among the most effective feelings. It has a very strong result on your body and mind. Worry can create solid signals of response when we remain in emergencies-- for example, if we are caught in a fire or are being struck. It can likewise take effect when you're encountered with non-dangerous occasions, like tests, public speaking, a brand-new work, a day, and even an event.

Sometimes they can take over your life, impacting your capability to consume, sleep, concentrate, travel, appreciate life, or even leave your house or go to work or school. This can hold you back from doing things you want or need to do, and also it also affects your health and wellness.

Excitement About Therapists For Anxiety

It can be tough to break this cycle, however there are whole lots of ways to do it. You can discover to really feel much less scared as well as to handle fear so that it doesn't quit you from living. Whole lots of points make us feel afraid. Being scared of some things-- like fires-- can keep you risk-free.

What you're worried of and also exactly how you act when you're afraid of something can differ per individual. Feeling in one's bones what makes http://sproutnews.com/attorney-turned-psychotherapist-launches-practice-in-downtown-san-francisco/ you afraid and why can be the initial step to ironing out problems with worry. How can we manage as well as decrease stress and anxiety? Our totally free downloadable pocket guide uses you 101 pointers: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/how-to-stress.

All about Therapists For Anxiety

Words 'stress and anxiety' tends to be made use of to explain worry, or when concern is nagging and also persists in time. It is made use of when the fear has to do with something in the future instead than what is occurring today. Anxiousness is a word often utilized by wellness professionals when they're defining consistent concern.

These are a few of the things that might occur: Your heart beats extremely fast-- possibly it feels irregular You breathe really fast Your muscle mass feel weak You sweat a lot Your tummy churns or your bowels really feel loosened You discover it hard to focus on anything else You feel woozy You feel frozen to the spot You can't consume You have cold and hot sweats You get a completely dry mouth You get very stressful muscles These things take place due to the fact that your body, sensing concern, is preparing you for an emergency situation, so it makes your blood circulation to the muscle mass, enhances blood glucose, and also gives you the mental ability to concentrate on the point that your body regards as a threat. With anxiety, in the longer term, you might have several of the above signs in addition to an extra bothersome sense of fear, and you may obtain cranky, have trouble sleeping, create headaches, or have problem proceeding with job and also preparation for the future; you could have troubles having sex, and also might shed self-confidence. Early human beings required the fast, powerful responses that fear reasons, as they frequented situations of physical risk; however, we no much longer face the very same threats in modern-day living.

The Ultimate Guide To Conquering Anxiety

However we can't run away from or literally attack these troubles! The physical sensations of fear can be scary in themselves-- particularly if you are experiencing them and also you do not know why, or if they seem disproportionate to the situation. As opposed to notifying you to a threat and also preparing you to react to it, your anxiety or stress and anxiety can kick in for any perceived hazard, which could be imaginary or small.

But it can likewise be a daily, lasting issue-- even if you can't place your finger on why. Some individuals feel a continuous feeling of anxiety regularly, with no specific trigger. There are lots of triggers for worry in day-to-day life, and you can't always exercise precisely why you are anxious or exactly how most likely you are to be hurt.

Anxiety Therapists Can Be Fun For Everyone

Sometimes you require mental and also physical ways of taking on fear. An anxiety attack is when you feel overwhelmed by the physical and also psychological feelings of concern-- the indications detailed under 'What do worry as well as anxiety seem like?' Individuals who have panic strikes state that they locate it hard to take a breath, as well as they might worry that they're having a cardiac arrest or are mosting likely to blow up of their body. See the 'Support and also info' section at the end of this pamphlet if you desire aid with anxiety attack.

[personalcoachingcenter]

Causes of Depression at Different Life Stages

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/causes-of-depression-at-different-life-stages/

Causes of Depression at Different Life Stages

“I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine There’s gotta be a little rain sometime”

—from ‘Rose Garden’ by Joe South

“When life takes you for a ride, hang on tight!”

—Charles Schulz, author of ‘Peanuts’

Challenges are an inevitable part of life, from the first breath we take right through to the last.

All lives follow twists and turns, dark paths as well as lighter ones.

But some common life stages pose greater risks to mental health than others, and we all go through them – at least, if we’re lucky! Often it is at times when we face change, such as illness, divorce, or even retirement, that we suddenly find it harder to meet our needs – and those are the times we are most at risk of becoming depressed.

So here I want to share with you some of the common life events that increase the risk of depression, and why that might happen, so that you can use this to help prepare clients (and yourself and your loved ones) for tough times. It’s so important, because depression is all around us. It’s a ‘disease of civilization’ and a curse of modern living.

We live in depressing times

When pressures and demands prevent people from meeting important needs in their life, they naturally feel stressed. And, in turn, when people reach a point of feeling helpless to meet those needs, they can start to feel trapped. Mulling over unmet needs can stress the brain and eventually produce what we call clinical depression.

Depression is a growing problem in modern life. Its prevalence now is ten times greater than 70 years ago. A rise that apparently accounts for increased diagnosis and people being more ready to admit they are depressed. So there does seem to be a huge actual increase in incidence.

Depression is striking young people more and more(1), but no age group is immune: depression is rising in all age groups, as are suicide rates (2). And we can’t simply pass the disorder off as a ‘chemical imbalance’ – our genetics just don’t evolve that fast.

Human beings suffer in context. They suffer in the context of their current situation, but also in the context of their emotional history and learning, and their innate character traits.

Relationships probably have as much to tell us as other life contexts about why some people depress and others don’t.

What’s more, attitudes, feelings and ways of responding to life can all be learned from other people, so the more depressed people there are, the easier it is for depression to spread through communities.

Please (don’t) pass it on

Some people learn depressive attitudes from others. Living with a depressed person is, unsurprisingly, a risk factor for becoming depressed (3). Again, this is strong evidence that there is more than just genetics at play here.

Many psychologists, including Michael Yapko and Martin Seligman, consider depression to be partly a learned phenomenon, and also a ‘socially infectious’ one. Seligman found that children learn depressive biases, expectations and world views from their primary caregiver. He also found that if children were taught new ways of responding to their day-to-day realities, depression could be avoided. Nicholas Christakis and others have shown that depression can spread in social networks up to three degrees of separation, an effect that appears to be more pronounced in women.

Clearly, there are multiple different causes of depression – not just one simple blanket explanation. But it’s not just who you know, or even what happens to you, that determines whether you will become depressed or not.

No one chooses depression

Some people react to the idea that depression isn’t primarily a biological disease with a knee-jerk response like “Are you saying it’s people’s own fault that they become depressed?” As if it’s nothing to do with a person’s emotional history and learning! They interpret the idea to mean that depression is somehow a choice a person makes, or a reflection of personal weakness.

But of course, the truth is far more subtle than that. A small proportion of people do perhaps have a genetic predisposition to reacting to life’s events with greater stress and, of course, no one wants to be depressed. Strong, intelligent, good people become depressed. And sometimes life can be overwhelming for anyone. But it’s important to consider the following:

Depression isn’t solely an event-driven phenomenon

People can and do have all kinds of terrible things happen to them without depressing, while other people seem to become depressed even when outwardly their lives seem to be perfectly fine. So it’s not just about what happens to a person so much as what they inwardly do with what happens to them – how they respond and whether they are prone to negative rumination.

Depression is not just about what happens to a person so much as what they inwardly do with what happens to themTweet

Negative rumination or mulling can happen even during periods of stability and calm. While outwardly life may be calm, inwardly anxiety may be churning. Conversely, a person’s life may be outwardly harsh, but inwardly they may be calm and hopeful.

Resilience can be learned and developed. If someone has been traumatized or spent years listening to someone else interpret life depressingly, then it is not their fault. If life becomes incredibly overwhelming, that is not their fault either.

But there do seem to be times in a person’s life, often times of transition, when it becomes harder to meet their emotional needs. This leaves them vulnerable, and potentially more prone to depression. But it’s feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about ever meeting those needs again that allow depression to really set in.

If someone has learned depressive attitudes, had traumatic emotional conditioning or not been exposed to enough reasonable challenge in childhood, these periods in life may pose a greater risk.

Here I want to give you some ideas as to what stages of life generally tend to be risky for people’s emotional health and balance. Understanding this is more important than ever against the backdrop of the ever-increasing spectrum of depression in our modern world.

More children are depressed than ever before. Yes, this may have something to do with overdiagnosis and eagerness to pathologize natural sadness. But it is true that more children seem to be genuinely disturbed. So what are the risky times in childhood?

Childhood changes

Potentially difficult experiences for a child include:

Going to a new school, particularly before they establish new friendships

Moving away from familiarity

Being bullied

Death of a family member or pet

Loss of a parent through divorce, especially if that parent becomes estranged

Arguing or abusive parents

Too much time spent in a virtual world online, so that the real world can start to feel unnegotiable, and relationship skills may not have developed

Illness of a parent, friend or self.

None of these events inevitably produce depression of course, but they are risky times. I should point out here that there is actually evidence to suggest that some adversity as a child, as long as the child doesn’t feel entirely helpless, can actually strengthen mental resilience.

It’s important to support the child, help them meet their primal emotional needs in any way we can (perhaps outside of school), and help them relax, have fun, find what they enjoy to do and help them explain events to themselves in ways that are not depressing.

And it goes without saying that children need love and support. But of course, that doesn’t just apply to children.

FREE Reframing Book! Just subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter below.

Download my book on reframing, “New Ways of Seeing”, when you subscribe for free email updates

Click to subscribe free now

Teenage transitions

The idea of the ‘teenager’ is relatively new, and it may be that many young adults have never quite become comfortable with that ‘in-between’ identity – not quite being an adult, but not being a child either.

Anxieties around forming more adult relationships, sexual awakening, pressures of conforming or finding an identity through seemingly not conforming, concerns about what path to take in life, pressures over drugs and sex, and hormonal and other physical changes can all lead to increased rumination, stress and anxiety.

Conflict with parents can also lead to inner struggles and fears.

Teenagers may feel particularly vulnerable due to:

Changing schools

Developing ‘hopeless’ crushes

Relationship issues, including breakups

Leaving school or college

Going away to university and suddenly facing pressure to actively meet emotional needs, such as form new friendships

Separation or divorce of parents

Bereavement.

Addictive behaviours such as drug or alcohol consumption, smoking, or self-harm such as cutting may start during teenage years and may persist as a misguided coping mechanism if not superseded by healthier ways to meet needs.

Treating teenagers as young adults, helping them develop responsibilities and deal with the complexities of life, and actively teaching them emotional skills by re-evaluating explanatory styles, understanding their and other people’s primal emotional needs, and even helping them examine their expectations from life, can all be really powerful ways of supporting teenagers through difficulty.

But of course, teenagers don’t stay teenagers forever.

Adulthood anxieties

Pressures for young adults include:

Starting a new job (or not)

Settling into a relationship (or not)

Moving away from the family home (or not).

These issues can all pose problems for the young adult. It’s really important to realize that not experiencing hoped-for transitions can be just as much of a problem for young adults as the transitions themselves. Romantic and career successes may prove harder to achieve than they had hoped or anticipated.

New responsibilities can also be trying for some young adults. One young guy I saw told me he felt terrified at the prospect of paying bills. Another woman in her twenties told me she was starting to despair that ‘time was running out’ because she had always imagined that ‘Prince Charming’ would have swept her off her feet by now.

A young person may go through several relationships as they try to find out who they are and who they are compatible with, so relationship issues may present difficulties.

Career choice and advancement and the acquisition of material wealth and ‘success’ – whatever that means! – may also be a major focus during young adulthood as we start off in pursuit of the ‘American Dream’. Mind you, as hard as we may try to plan the perfect future, sometimes life has other plans.

Parenting panic

The impact – no, let’s be honest – shock of having a newborn baby is often beyond anything we could have imagined or anticipated.

Don’t get me wrong, new parenthood is, or can be, wonderful. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with its fair share of stress. Challenges for new parents include:

The sudden realization of serious responsibility. Many people develop fears they didn’t have before, such as of flying, because now they have to be around for their baby

Perfectionistic demands on themselves or even their baby, which clash painfully with reality. They may blame themselves for feeling angry or resentful, sometimes needing reassurance that they are only human

The physical and emotional stress of a difficult birth, which can lead to PTSD and can in turn precipitate depression in some people

Difficulty meeting their needs for rest, adult social connection and financial security, especially for single parents

Worries or preoccupations with the baby’s health

Strain on relationships brought on by stress and lack of sleep

Inability to strike the right work/life balance and overworking if parents are working as well as parenting.

I realise this all sounds a little bleak! Of course, many parents are thrilled by the arrival of a newborn, and indeed, raising a child can bring incredible joy… but that’s not what this article is about. The reality is, many parents do find this stage very challenging.

But it can be just as challenging when the expected transition to parenthood doesn’t happen. Many people have dreamed of having children for many years, and finding out that this may not be possible can trigger people to ruminate and become overwhelmed, sometimes to the point of feeling that life is not worthwhile.

But time moves on, and new challenges emerge.

Middle-age milestones

Challenges for people in their forties and fifties include:

Awareness of dreams not fulfilled

Job insecurity or stress, or work becoming more intermittent

Concerns about children or aging parents

Family or relationship breakdown or job loss, potentially making people feel as if they have to ‘start all over again’ as a single or unemployed forty- or fifty-something. That feeling can be terrifying and overwhelming

Realizing that their time is finite – the so-called ‘mid-life crisis’ can make people want to cling to a sense of youth or adventure

Health issues and poor physical health, especially if a person hasn’t prioritized looking after themselves or has struggled with long-term stress.

Forty has been called the ‘old age of youth’ and fifty the ‘youth of old age’. Not that old age is necessarily a bad thing! In fact, some people report being happier than ever in their senior years. But old age is certainly not without its own trials and tribulations.

Old age and retirement

Work shouldn’t meet all of a person’s needs, but it may well meet some important ones. When a person retires from work they might suddenly find some of those needs remain unmet. Specific challenges for retirees and the elderly may include:

Unfulfilled needs for status, meaning, and purpose

Loss of the sense of belonging to a community

Lack of self-esteem and self-advancement, as they are no longer able to feel competent in their role or stretch themselves by updating their skills

Increased frailty, illness, and waning physical and sometimes mental health, both personal and of their partner and friends

Loneliness from friends dying or moving away

Feelings of isolation and marginalization due to negative attitudes towards the elderly

Worry about ‘becoming a burden’ as uncertainty over their health and care develops

Conflict with a partner from suddenly spending much more time with them than ever before.

Going from a context that easily meets many emotional needs to one that doesn’t can cause a person to ruminate, stress and, unless they find ways to meet those needs outside of the work context, become depressed. Less human contact can be a major problem and keeping connections going may be as vital for health as regular exercise.

It’s not what we experience, it’s how we experience it

So some issues are pretty perennial such as relationship concerns, health worries (although typically they increase with age) and money worries. Trauma can occur at any stage of the life cycle, of course, and there’s no predicting when the stresses of life will suddenly mount up to the point of feeling overwhelming.

We all go through tough times, but it’s not just what we go through that determines our ability to cope, but how we deal with the stress – how we still manage to meet our needs as best we can, retain hope, and feel empowered. Once we understand the typical stresses of the life cycle, we can prepare ourselves and others to best manage them. And a big part of this lies in having good support from others.

So what can we learn in general? Well, first and foremost, relationships matter. Having warm, good and wide-ranging friendships and relationships helps us all mentally, physically and even financially.

The one and only constant in life is change. The body morphs, circumstances alter, no new second is the same as the last. Resilience means flowing with the changes, not fighting them. Adaptability is perhaps the greatest human asset. And of course, everything passes, including hardships.

Let me leave you with some words from ex-slave and self-created man George Washington Carver:

“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Our How to Lift Depression Fast course enables you to treat depression quickly, making a lasting difference in your clients’ lives without the use of harmful drugs. Read more about the course here.

FREE Reframing Book! Just subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter below.

Download my book on reframing, “New Ways of Seeing”, when you subscribe for free email updates

Click to subscribe free now

Notes:

Read more Depression therapy techniques »

Search for more therapy techniques:

Go To Source

[mariestherapeutics]

Deep Dark ft. Sehun: Part 8. WARNING: There are themes in this series (such as depression) that may trigger unpleasant memories or feelings, please read at your own discretion. I’m posting this now so y’all don’t have to sit any longer without scenarios. ;u;

(♫) All that's left of me is what I pretend to be; so together but so broken up inside.

Another week goes by and you and Sehun are so busy with finishing the project that you have no time to address his confession. It turns out that the both of you overlooked something on the rubric, and had to redo the entire design to fix it. You didn't mind the distraction, though it tired you, since it gave you more time to put his confession off.

You were honestly afraid of bringing it up. What if he changed his mind? What if it was only a joke? What if you were dreaming it? It was the anxiety speaking, but you let yourself believe it for the security of your feelings. He kept to his promise of never talking about it, but that only made you feel worse. How long were you going to keep him waiting for an answer? Should you remind him that you're still thinking about it? But if you did, you'd be lying.

You weren't thinking about it. Liking him meant possible growth in the relationship, and friendship was nice, yeah, but anything more meant commitment. You sucked at taking care of yourself, so how could you possibly want to take care of someone else?

Class was in the morning, and you and Sehun met up beforehand to go over the presentation one last time. "I open, we switch off explanations, then you close, right?" You ask him again, just to make sure you got it down.

"Right." He says, looking distracted. It worried you. You learned he always has something big to say when he's distracted. "Hey, are you busy today?" He asks, looking away from the project.

"You know me." You say in a detached tone. "I'm free."

"Do you want to hang out with me and the S.P.U.B members later? We're supposed to play space chess up on the hill for advertisement." He asks, smiling a little.

"Sure." You agree without really thinking about it. One more distraction to keep you procrastinating on thinking.

"Cool." He says, looking elated. "It'll be nice having someone I trust with me." He admits, putting the project away for class. "I don't think I fit in well with the guys. They're so different from me."

"What about the manager?" You ask him, remembering his insisting argument that the manager would be the real deal. "How are they?"

"She's fine. But I don't talk to her a lot. I have nothing to say." He confesses, closing his bag. You two leave your dorm and arrive moments before the first presentation starts. With a slight feeling of comfort, you know talking in front of the class about something you know about will be less terrifying than talking to Sehun about your feelings, something you know nothing about.

Obviously, you like Sehun as a person (who wouldn't?), but how much of that is blind dependency, and how much of that is true friendship? And is there more to it? There's no way a real friend would look at him, wishing he'd sit a little closer. There's no way a real friend would look at him, wishing he'd dare to brush hands. There's no way a real friend would even think these things, wishing he'd say those sweet things one more time.

And you noticed his change in attitude. You just never put two and two together. You told yourself he seemed more recluse because he was getting tired of working in astronomy. You told yourself he was being overwhelmed with S.P.U.B. You told yourself it had nothing to do with the fact that you ignore his every attempt to flirt with you, which were occurring less and less with his dropping mood.

You pretended it wasn't your fault, yet you knew it was. You were making him feel worse. You made him wait so long, he was probably feeling hopeless. He asked you to think about it, and all you've done is ignore it. Isn't this the same as telling him "no"?

You think of all this during your presentation, your mind not really there so you actually do pretty well. It's the weird thing about you, if you don't pay attention to what you're saying, you can act without worry and be fine. At the end of it, you decide that you'll give him your answer today. You'll figure it all out while you're hanging out with the S.P.U.B members, and tell him afterwards.

It's a plan, you think to yourself in relief, finally proud that you've done something on your own. Hopefully, things will go well, and Sehun and you can return to normal. His feelings will pass, and so will yours.

You had expected Sehun's attitude to go back up once the chess game started, but you were oh so wrong. He was quieter, and because you knew him so well, you knew it wasn't because he was concentrating, though you were sure that's what the three stooges thought it was. They were chatting along like normal, laughing obnoxiously every now and then before making another move. You could tell that Sehun was feeling strange again, because he was tapping his foot on the grass and the chess board with his finger.

"Mind explaining how chess works to me so I'm not completely clueless?" You ask him quietly, hoping to distract him. He blinks up at you in surprise, as if he forgot you were there entirely, before nodding and telling you what each of the pieces mean and their goal. He's able to explain it all before the stooge makes his next move because he's talking so much. "Ahh, it's so complicated." You groan, grabbing your head dramatically. Sehun chuckles, but his smile doesn't quite reach his lips.

"You'll figure it out if you watch us play some more," At that statement, the stooges look at you with interest.

"Are you interested in space chess?" Asks Jongdae, who Sehun stares at uncomfortably for some reason you don't know. "Have you reconsidered about S.P.U.B?" He asks more obviously.

"Nah," You reply easily, not really caring for them or their club. "I'm just here to watch."

"Too bad," Baekhyun clicks his tongue, staring at the board. "You're missing out."

"I'll be the judge of that." You laugh. They're so persistent, it was kind of endearing. "You just go back to your game." Another half hour goes, they switch players, and while Sehun is standing on the sidelines with you, you notice his jaw is clenched really hard. You gape at him nervously, since the last time you saw him like this, he looked on the verge of lashing out.

"Crap! I should have seen that coming!" Junmyeon exclaims, throwing his head back in agony. "How could I have missed it?" He mutters defeatedly at the board.

"Hey, boys," You call, and the three stooges look at you. "Sehun's going to walk me to my dorm now, 'cuz I'm getting bored." You announce, and they all make the cutest pouty faces at you.

"Aw, stay a little longer? Maybe you'll like it when it's your turn." Baekhyun tries, but you're already grabbing Sehun's arm and pulling him away.

"Next time!" You yell over your shoulder, pulling your friend down the hill. The walk from your dorm takes five minutes from here, but judging Sehun's panting state, you don't think you have that kind of leisure time to get there, so you bring him down a side path that leads into a different dorm building. He pulls away from you as you enter, and you follow him as he runs into the closest room, the laundry room, before he collapses to the floor ungracefully.

"Sehun!" You yelp, dropping to his side worriedly, but he silently points at the door, so you close and lock it. "What's going on? Are you fine? You're freaking me out!" You utter, helping him into a sitting position and leaning him against the dryer. He was covering his face the entire time, so you didn't know he was crying until he suddenly sobbed.

"I tried!" He says, dropping his hands. "I tried, I tried so much, Starlight." He hiccups, and with wide eyes you wonder what you're supposed to do. He looks like he's having a panic attack, but you know it'd only make it worse if you touched him. Your consternation keeps you from acting, but it might be what Sehun needs, because he finishes, "It's so hard to pretend."

And, with that last sentence, you realize that you're primary conclusion about Sehun was correct. He's that other type of depression that you never believed in.

Until now.

Stuck in your thoughts, you don't notice that he's reaching for you until his fingers take your wrist, and he pulls you to his side before hiding his face in his knees. "Please don't leave." He says, gripping your wrist as lightly as he can manage through his shaking. "I-- I need you here right now."

"I'm right here," You whisper, making him let go so you can lace your fingers together instead. He squeezes your hand tightly, and you realize that this is the first time you've ever seen Sehun so vulnerable, save for the time he confessed. You know he really has no choice, since it happens on its own, but he wants you here with him, to stay until he's through this episode. "I'm not going anywhere." You promise, and you don't know how much you mean it until you say it.

Well, fuck, you think to yourself. It's really not the time to think about it, but it just comes to you, and now you can't stop thinking it. I like Oh Sehun. I like Oh Sehun. I like Oh Sehun...

Fuck.

It takes Sehun an hour before he's completely calmed down. Without the chamomile tea to make him pass out and a movie to distract him, he was all alone with his thoughts and you. Luckily, no one ever came down to use the room, because you don't know what you would have done had that happened.

Sehun's breathing shallowly, but he's no longer hiccuping and sobbing. His hand is limp in your hold, but strong enough to keep it together. He must feel absolutely exhausted, so you pull him against your shoulder for him to lean on.

"I'm sorry you had to see me freak out like that." He mumbles after a bit of silence. "I'm pathetic."

"You're not." You reply quietly, running your thumb over his knuckles. They're so different from yours; big, deep, and a little rough. "You're not pathetic, Sehun." He makes a laughing noise, just barely.

"I can't even pretend that I'm happy in front of people. How am I not?" He asks weakly.

"I don't think it's normal to feel happy all the time." You tell him how you feel, but you're no psychologist. "You should be yourself. Show people how you're really feeling."

"If I did, this is what they'd see." His lamentation is something you can relate to, and, normally you wouldn't care, but because it's Sehun, you do.

"Sehun," You mutter, squeezing his hand lightly. He seems to become fully aware of the action, sitting up and staring at your laced hands. "I don't mean to turn this on me, but I don't know what else to say to you." You admit, not looking at him. "I'm just like you, but I convinced myself not to care at all." You tell him honestly, turning red from laying yourself bare. You've never told anyone this, not even your family (hell, they'd be the last people). Then, with the overwhelming realization that you don't know how to help him or yourself, you begin to cry. "I don't know how to help. I think not caring at all is even worse than trying to." You whimper, hiding your face.

He doesn't say anything for a moment, but then he tugs your hand, until you wipe your face and look at him. "You are helping." He promises, but you have a hard time believing it. "Starlight, you help me more than you think you do." He says, and you finally turn your head to look him in the eye. "Honestly, since we started working together, I've... I've changed." His eyes glisten as he tries not to cry again. "I didn't use to..." He shakes his head, clearing his throat. "I didn't use to feel excited about waking up in the morning. I would take sleeping pills just to nap for as long as I could to avoid having to live my life.

"But, for some reason, you... you saved me." He murmurs. "It's the most cliché thing I've ever said in my entire life, but dammit, Starlight, you're helping me." He says unsteadily, his lip trembling before he bites it. "And I want to be the same comforting medicine to you." He finishes with a shaky sigh.

"...but you already are." You whisper, looking between his eyes. You aren't going to give him your entire life story right now, but you lean forward slightly, briefly glancing down at his mouth. He blinks in surprise, before hesitantly leaning forward, too, until your lips press together softly. For now, a kiss is all either of you need.

"Does this mean you like me back..?" He murmurs afterwards, wiping each of your faces with his hand.

"What else would it mean, you goof?" You laugh airily, blushing. He laughs, too, and suddenly, all of your past insecurities and worries seem insignificant. Why would you ever stress over them when all you care about is his smile?

"Well..." He mutters disappointedly, and you don't understand why until he says, "We still have tonight's homework to do, and as much as I love getting all mushy with feelings, I think we should go to your dorm and work." It's a valid point, but you can't seem to find to the motivation to do it. He sees this in your face somehow, before chuckling. "Or we can watch a movie and be totally lame."

"Lame sounds nice." You agree, grinning. "Besides, how am I supposed to get to know you if we don't spend more quality time together?" He blushes suddenly, and after that you head to your dorm. It's probably 4:15 PM after a movie, and when you're both sitting on your bed with nothing to do, he motions to his laptop and he shows you his favorite song, and you show him yours, and you lay together all day, late into the night, talking mindlessly, learning more about each other than you ever knew you could about a person.

Being with Sehun was therapeutic, in a way. Neither of you had to worry about putting up a front, impressing the other, yet you were both nervous about it at the same time. He made you want to be better for yourself, and you did the same for him.

When it was almost midnight, Sehun was playing a song he wanted you to hear on his laptop, but neither of you were listening to it. You were laying over his stomach, sleepy from the chamomile tea you made earlier that night and exhausted from the spiral of emotions. You felt his hand resting on your back, unmoving and gentle, spreading a calming warmth.

With hopeful thoughts about the days to come, you fall asleep and dream about alien chess pieces, cuddling, and starlight.

(Continued in FINALE... Deep Dark)