#what is self love
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My psychiatrist said something today that really hit me bc of how true it is:
She said,
“it seems to be a reoccurring theme in your life… not being heard. from family, friends, relationships, doctors… you’re always fighting to be heard. for people to believe you. for people to see you. to be taken seriously. it’s coming from all aspects of your life. that isn’t an easy thing to bare, you are draining yourself in every possible way.”
fuck.
#bpd#borderline personality disorder#spilled ink#mental illness#spilled heart#personal#recovery#mental health#mentally drained#bpd emotions#living with bpd#empty#to be seen#sad words#spilled words#self love#what is self love#this hits hard#hard truth
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2024
the show (going out to get groceries. making myself a nice dinner. showering and opening the windows. being kind to myself in everything i do) Must go on
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License to Kitty.
#dungeon meshi#izutsumi#marcille donato#chilchuk tims#I still stand by my tags on the Izutsumi character study piece I did in January - but I will repeat myself on a few lines here:#I *really* love this character. I love that all of the dungeon meshi crew are complicated and have difficult to love components.#But Izutsumi is a particular kind of hard to love. I foresee a lot of people being turned off by her abrasiveness and lack of teamwork.#She is very self-centered and openly goes against what the party agrees on.#She's a picky eater in a story that is 50% about eating good and healthy food!#It is in part about her growth but admittedly even *then* she remains rather true to her self-centeredness.#Even though she isn't as nice or funny or compassionate as the others...Izutsumi is still someone worth loving.#Even the more difficult people are someone worth loving.#And those people in turn are people who have something and someone they love.#She may be a girlcat but she is the most human of them all.#I hope that if you are an anime only watcher and are feeling put off by her at the moment; you'll give her a chance.#By the way: *yes* I worked very hard to draw that skateboard pose. It was worth it.#EDIT: HAPPY 500th POST OF POORLY-DRAW-MDZS!!! What a comic to commemorate the milestone with!
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#girlblogger#girlhood#girlblogging#coqeutte#lana is god#this is what makes us girls#lana del rey#hell is a teenage girl#messy coquette#lizzy grant#god complex#im just a girl#tumblr girls#girly stuff#girl interrupted#girly#beauttiful girls#self love#dollcore#dollette#feminine urge#female hysteria#girl hood#hopecore#just girly thoughts#just girly posts#this is a girlblog#just girly things#girly tumblr#girl boss gaslight gatekeep
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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Lately I’ve been really into being honest to people about my positive feelings towards them. I told my classmate that I’ve admired her creativity from the start and named a project of hers that I loved, and her face lit up! I took the train with a project partner the other day and told her that I always have so much fun with her, and it prompted an entire conversation about the difficulties of graduating from ‘classmates’ to ‘friends’ and both of our insecurities in this regard (and how we’re definitely getting coffee later). I express my gratitude honestly. I say what I feel if I’d be happy hearing it, myself. I remember details so that I can refer to them later. Once you realize how great you can make someone feel, all of those mundane moments become so special. It will maybe even create some lasting connections, something I think we could all use more of.
#idk what this is#things i’ve learned#learning to be a social being#self care#self love#positivity#positive#positive suggestions#positive thinking#suggestions#suggestion#comfort kindness family#self validation#mental health
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if you're reading this I just want to let you know you look like a daydream
#girlblogging#it girl#just girly things#girly tumblr#hyper feminine#dream girl#just girly posts#self care#pink text#self love#manic pixie dream girl#girl things#this is what makes us girls#this is a girlblog#this user#girly#girlhood#words of affirmation#that girl#wonyoungism#goddess affirmation diaries#goddess sorority#divine feminine#divine reminders 💋
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#self care reminder#self love#manifesting#affirmations#it girl#self care#hyper feminine#girly#pinkcore#just girly things#girlblogger#dollette#girlblogging#angelcore#dollcore#femme fatale#coquette#girl interrupted#female hysteria#this is what makes us girls#girlhood#divine feminine#pink aesthetic#girlblog#pink pilates princess#self healing#girly things#girly stuff#girly aesthetic#princesscore
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next time if you ever feel like falling back to old habits just remember this
personally, there's no better motivation than remembering that there's probably many people out there who don't want me to succeed.
#when you fall back to your old ways you're actually giving the devil and your haters what they've always wanted#student#study motivation#studyspo#self improvement#studyblr#mental health#psychology#it girl#self care#self esteem#college#personal development#personal growth#that girl#studying#university#becoming that girl#it girl energy#glow up#healing#philosophy#medical school#med studyblr#medblr#quotes#self confidence#self love#faith
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some quick jjk eye paintings
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#yuji itadori#nobara kugisaki#yuta okkotsu#gojo satoru#geto suguru#ryoumen sukuna#fanart#jjk fanart#tagging everyone feels like it took longer than the actual painting my god#i believe ive gone on record waxing poetic about how i love lower eyelids and how i could paint them fr hours#so i put my money where my mouth is and thats what i did today . self care :)#i had a cool idea fr gojo where i wanted to do like an abberated effect to show 2 extra sets of eyes#but god it looked cluttered and awful no matter what layer mode i put it on sdgdgjsdg#settled fr chromatic abberation on th irises :')#quickish painting but i am ! happy !#very proud also of the different eye shapes i ws able to achieve while keeping them consistently sized#was worried abt geto there fr a sec#but tbh he turned out to be one of my favs ????? surprised myself#anyway this is my love letter to eye skin <3 i love u lower eyelid folds mwah <3
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I was thinking about this and got curious
#also self indulgently would love to know how many non [redacted fandom] people know what my url’s a reference to#worded thoughts#polls
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I have noticed a pattern & I’m guilty of all of these
#no serious art yet only scribbles#I love this godforsaken sketchbook#making self indulgent shit instead of working on actual things ❤️ yay#more gay malevolent fanart coming soon I fear#my art#malevolent#malevolent podcast#john doe malevolent#LOVE seeing john fanart going aww silly guy 😍 and then right under it the most horrific creature#its a little game in my head by now to look for which entity is on what end of the scale#lovecraftian memory cards u might say
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He's a little dramatic sometimes
#myart#sundrop#self insert#fnaf#i'm sure that he isn't that heavy#she's trying to work and he's over here fainting dramatically#what a butthead#she loves him though#sundrop x self insert#sun x self insert#2k
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my current fav youtube channels
wildheartwaves - black women self accountability + analysis
pidgin doll - fashion sketching and doll composition
vintagecoochie - black girl cultural analysis
ruthy - bw beauty and makeup
chokoladka - psychological femininity and spirituality
fashion channel - vintage fashion shows
iconicallyiconic - deep dives into girly movies, brands and tv shows
darling dollz - doll releases and rankings
pretty boy xo - stripper vlogs and content
beauty and beyond - compilations of beautymaxxing content
r p - self help for women
earth rabbit - how to feel pretty
han ୨♡୧ - cute and calming doll + sanrio content
chrissie - content for bw mental reframing
kelsey the ballerina - minimalism and self love
msreadtheroom - mental level up content
style intellect - fashion analysis
lelegalliano - bw beauty content
sabrina lilliane - dolliest content
tea renee - hair and makeup tutorials
karine aloude - bw personality analysis
vogue - beauty secrets
codenamechanel - hypergamy content
just michelle - skin and beauty content
jaz turner - feminine development
the style and beauty doctor - skincare content
leah alexander - beauty and level up content
simonesimmo - mental level up
vinertria - beauty and fashion
bellazzi ent. - beauty utilization and self respect
#this is STRICTLY beauty fashion and self help content#if yall are interested on what i watch for fun or entertainment lmk 💓#certified princess! ❤︎ ྀི#i also have a playlist of girly videos i love#❤︎ ྀི˖𓍢ִ໋
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#self ship#self shipping#selfship#selfshipping#is there a space or nah??#self ship community#f/o#💌#I love being unemployed ^_^ I wake up and day dream about Toki and then I go to bed and actually dream about it#(I don’t actually but what can you do right)
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a little late to the party but!! here's worldwide miku but mixed chinese/mexican :D
#outfit is based off what i wore to my schools ifest last year 👍#cheongsam shirt and jalisco folklorico dress with sneakers :]#i love this trend sm actually it gives me a reason to be self indulgent#hatsune miku#miku worldwide#mexico#china#veves ultra cool art#also happy birthday miku 🩵🩵🩵
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