#okay but who would be Cass-

[azurejacques]

Patrochilles Tangled AU… Achilles as Rapunzel, Patroclus as Flynn, Thetis Mother Gothel maybe??? That doesn’t fit perfectly but hm we can work with it I think! In any case like,,, banger idea, me

[littlefankingdom]

Kind of frustrating how many posts there are criticizing Bruce's parenting in Batgirl (2000), while Barbara is getting barely a slap on the wrist for her parenting.

The thing about Barbara and Bruce in Batgirl (2000) is that they both do something bad that is projecting yourself on your kid (no, Bruce doesn't see Cassandra as a weapon, stop saying that shit), however only Bruce is getting call out for this by y'all, and I think there's two reasons why:

Bruce is so easy to criticize. Everything he had ever done has been criticized to hell and back. Damn, he is criticized if he dares parent his kids and tells them no or something (literally read a fic where he was painted as the bad guy by the batfam, the writer and the reader for... saying no to another dog Damian decided to adopt without telling him) Somehow, he is always in the wrong with y'all. Even when he is nice or right it's "well, actually..."

The way Barbara is doing it is very normalized in western societies. Bruce isn't projecting something we are used to, he is projecting his crusade and how he dealt with his pain by kicking criminals' asses. Barbara is projecting ideas about womanhood and life that a lot of mothers do, but that doesn't mean it's not wrong.

"What is Barbara projecting on Cassandra?" Her sexuality and her interests. She wants Cassandra to go flirt and date boys, to dress more sexy, to love reading, even tho Cass doesn't want to. She forces Cassandra into situation she is very uncomfortable in (being viewed by men as sexy) because she enjoys it herself and misses it. There is NOTHING wrong with that last bit, but projecting it on Cass and ignoring it until Cass has a breakdown, that's not okay. (Cass keeps communicating she isn't comfortable in the bikini, and it's only when Cass runs away from the situation that Barbara accepts that Cass is uncomfortable) Cass tries to force herself to be more like Barbara to please Barbara, she puts on her suit and goes out, but she is so uncomfortable. Tim's comment about her body, and the heels, she can't. And then, there is the library scene, where Barbara yells and insults Cass for not knowing how to read. It is more difficult, as older as you get, to learn a new language. It is easier if you already speak multiple, but if you have never spoken ANY language before, and you just learned to understand one NOT EVEN A YEAR AGO, learning how to read is going to be hard. It is so ableist and unacceptable for Barbara to call Cass "stupid" for not knowing how to read. It doesn't matter if Cass hasn't been training enough, she literally should have helped and not let her do it alone (in the cases of children who, like Cass, didn't learn a language as a child because of their environment, they only improve with love and care in their teaching. If you give them a book and tell them to learn on their own, they will not succeed. Reading is a concept taught to you, not in you, and they need to learn it from another human.) And the reasons why Barbara gets so frustrated are just that, reasons, not excuses.

I'm going to be sincere, the reason why I'm criticizing Barbara is because I had a mother like this. I'm asexual and afab, and I was forced into uncomfortable situation because "girls are supposed to like flirting with boys". My mother got really frustrated after a couple of years because I never had a boyfriend, and that wasn't "normal". She would force me to see myself in a sexual way, to attract boys, because that's what "a normal teenage girl wants". And that was nightmarish for me. But also, my mother is a big reader, and I'm not for multiple reasons. My mother would often diminish my intellect because I don't read novels, and especially not as much, like her. Reading a lot was associated with intellect in our home, and it was extremely harmful to my self-esteem. They are different kind of intelligence, people aren't stupid if they don't read a lot. That's the classicism talking, because it was literally badly seen for working class folks to read not so long ago and so, only the rich did so only the rich were smart. And having an education, which I have, is not the same as being a reader.

This is also probably why I have seen queer afab folks identify with Cassandra, because we experienced the "you should be flirting with boys" pressure when you don't want to.

The other thing is that, not only is Barbara projecting herself on Cassandra, she is also living through her, which is bad. That's something you can hear a lot about for children stars, where their career and success is for mommy, who cannot be a star anymore. Barbara wants Cassandra to date boys and "have fun" because she thinks she can anymore because she's disabled.

And I'm sure a lot of y'all don't understand what is wrong with what Barbara is doing. But it is forcing amatonormativity and her sexuality on Cassandra, it is ableist, it is forcing Cassandra into uncomfortable situation because she would have enjoyed them. Cassandra doesn't want to wear a bikini, it's not ok for Barbara to force Cassandra to wear a bikini because SHE enjoys it.

In no way I'm trying to say that Barbara is a bad parent. What I'm saying is more that y'all are very hard on Bruce when both him and Barbara are doing the same thing. They both fuck up and learn to do better, because they love Cassandra. They are both wrong about Cassandra, but also right sometimes (example: Bruce is right about letting Cassandra fights because that's what she wants to do. Barbara is against it and she is shown she is wrong multiple times) Y'all are calling Bruce a bad parent to Cassandra in Batgirl (2000) and not Barbara because he's forcing on her his bad copying mechanism of sacrifcing your life to save others, and she is forcing on her amatonormative sexist and ableist norms of our western societies.

[tequiilasunriise]

When Steph and Cass get married they don’t take the last name Brown (Daddy Issues™️) or Cain (Daddy Issues Prime™️) or even Wayne (Steph absolutely REFUSES to become a Wayne nosirree), but a secret fourth thing (Gordan).

[ayrennaranaaldmeri]

the fact is, if varric lives (and that's an if bc maybe solas does kill him lmao idk how much to trust that minimap reveal) it IS weird that you can't customise a hawke or account for the decision because it would be a little weird if a man who has lived through a wannabe god + blight dragon attacking warden fortress has nothing to say about ghilan'nain and her blight dragon attacking a warden fortress, especially if he potentially lost his best friend (Hawke). It's not outlandish for people to be a little disappointed to not get some customisation there because the choices are not equal to varric. the loss of hawke is obviously a bigger impact on him than whichever warden is there. given varric's personality, it's not outlandish to expect him to talk about it with Rook either especially considering weisshaupt is a thing that happens in the game. if he dies beforehand it doesn't matter, but if he's going to be around? yeah you'd think he'd be talking about it here.

speaking of weisshaupt, A PLACE YOU GET TO GO, a hero of ferelden who made the ultimate sacrifice IS FUCKING INTERRED THERE. But it's just "whining" to expect a nod (esp one that you can customise so it's your hero of ferelden) i guess.

regardless of whether morrigan has mythal or not, who she is as a person does change based on whether she was romanced and whether she had a child. it is natural that this matters and people aren't stupid to be tentatively concerned that nothing of her history is "required" but she's apparently this important vip character who will have more involvement in the game than you expect. like you are allowed to ask: okay what does this mean, what will she be like, will she be the same character i've loved across multiple games?

people are allowed to be upset or concerned that a game series that historically took your choices and your decisions into account has watered that down to 3 choices when certain choices that WOULD impact characters that appear in THIS game aren't. (and to be clear being upset does not mean harassing the devs, don't do that).

[bisexualalistairtheirin]

I honestly have no clue what ppl are smoking when they post those corny "Cassandra is actually so open to new ideas and concepts" posts in the tags like she is status quo's biggest fan DESPITE talking about how things need to change.

[bluegarners]

pushing my bruce wayne has gray eyes agenda

[brionysea]

going down the tim drake ao3 rabbit hole. he's unhinged and i need more

[highlifeboat]

Melony feels less like a slow tortury type, but rather: Beat you to a pulp, strangle, gauge eyes out.

She has too much of pent up rage and not enough patience in these matters :p

Real.

I just think of Cass introducing Melony to the idea of torturing and Melony going "Okay, but can I just smash their face with a hammer instead?"

And Cass has a moment of pause before being like "Fuck, you're so hot."

I kinda dig the idea of "One likes the process of torture and the other Just wants to fucking kill you" Because I think everyone would assume Cass is the one who wants to bludgeon people to death. But no. It's a tiny murderer and her sadist girlfriend.

This is literally just "Melony if she finally let the intrusive thoughts win" honestly.

[tapakah0]

WHY PC DOESN'T WARN ME WHEN I REACH THE LIMIT OF TAGS *THROWS OUT THE TABLE AGAIN*

WHY HE NEEDED THE SMARTER ONE?? FOR BRAIN TASTE??

OSCAR WOULD GLADLY OFFER HIS BODY PARTS HA-HA... ha... OH F*** HE WOULD. How lucky he is to be stupider.

Part 1!

..of an episode that reveals that if something looks like a space horror and sounds like a space horror, maybe it is a space horror.

Who would've guessed?~

Previous

Masterpost

[theflashjaygarrick]

Cass is so fun as a character because she fulfils the 'gruff but with a heart of gold' trope in a way that normally is exclusively used for male characters. Cass can be abrasive, and asocial, and off-putting. She is better than everyone, knows it, and she is not afraid to say it loudly to your face. She tried to help Babs feel better after seeing her cry, and decided the best way was to simply throw Nightwing out of a window (it's okay, he was fine).

But Cass is also someone who loves deeply and cares so much. About everyone. She has strong moral convictions to never kill not because she's scared it would push her over the edge but because she values people's lives so much. Because she believes everyone can choose to be better, and they deserve the chance to make that choice.

She isn't sweet and friendly and someone who always manages to get on with people, but she also isn't a cold ruthless assassin. She is a tough, broken person who finds something to protect in everyone. Someone who can frankly be a jerk (and can be difficult for some people to get along with) but who would risk her life time and time again if it meant helping someone. Cass is a hero through and through.

Anyway, I just love Cass.

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce looks like the kind of parents who will hear the children say that they like some food and automatically accept it as the children's favorite meal

And the children will just eat it forever now to make Bruce happy

What food/snacks/fruit they accidentally say "oh this taste good actually" and now are they cursed by it?

Waitress: And what would you like as your side?

8-year-old Dick: French fries!

[19 years later]

Bruce: And here's your dinner, side of fries as always.

Dick, who's been eating fries every day since: Yippee.

———————

12-year-old Jason: *looks at a candy bar*

Bruce: You want it?

Jason: I dunno, it's like three dollars.

Bruce: Hey, don't worry about it, chum.

[11 years later]

Jason: *finds the same candy bar in his belt*

Jason: Well, it's the thought that counts.

———————

14-year-old Tim: Since Alfred's not home I ordered pizza for dinner.

Bruce, working: *grunts*

[3 years later]

*doorbell rings*

Tim: Weird, I wasn't expecting anyone.

Tim: *opens the door*

Bruce, in a Bat-pizza uniform: Delivery for Tim Drake.

———————

15-year-old Steph: *makes waffles*

[3 years later]

Steph: Bruce, why'd you buy so much flour?

Bruce: So you can make waffles.

———————

Bruce: You hungry?

Duke: I dunno, I guess I could go for a smoothie or something.

[later]

Duke: What's with the second fridge?

Bruce: To keep your smoothies.

———————

Damian: From now on, I am a vegetarian.

Bruce: Okay, but what about protein?

Damian: There are plenty of options, like tofu.

[later]

Damian, faced with a tofu truck: Perhaps I should have listened to Brown's advice.

———————

Bruce: *driving*

Cass: *points to a pumpkin patch*

Bruce: We'll see.

[later]

Cass: *goes to her room*

Cass: Dad?

Bruce: Yes, princess?

Cass: Pumpkin patch. In my room.

Bruce: I called in a favor from Ivy.

[prlssprfctn]

Tim: Okay, we will just keep it in a secret for a while...

Dick: Oh, how hard it can be, anyway?

Damian: Right. No one wants to remember this.

Jason, spawning behind their backs: You suck at being secretive. What's up?

Dick, giggling nervously: A-ah, Little Wing, uh—

Jason: Well? Whatever it is, I am going to find it out one way or another.

Tim: Promise not to freak out? It is about Bruce.

Jason, crossing fingers behind his back: Promise.

Damian: Father had found himself a new love interest. And it is unbecoming.

Jason, confused: Uh, alright? Why would I care—

Tim, blurting out: It is Joe Chill's daughter.

Jason: Who tf—

Jason: ...Joe Chill, like Martha and Thomas Wayne's killer Joe Chill?

Dick: ...Yeah. That one guy.

Jason: ...

Jason: Yeah, honestly, the fuck I expected when I asked him to kill Joker... He can't even avenge his own ass. Not just that. HE DATES HIS DAUGHTER?

Damian: ...My mother is literally right here.

Dick: Or auntie Selina.

Tim: And Clark. Or even Oliver. Or even Hal—

Jason: I am so *not* joining family dinners anymore.

Dick: Yeah... Anyway, B asked to keep it away from Alfred for a while.

Alfred, ominously appearing in the dark corner of the room: It is a little bit late, gentlemen.

Boys: (nervous gulping)

Alfred, surprisingly calm: Of course, we shall not blame children for sins of their parents. I believe this woman could be better than her father ever was.

Alfred: I am happy for master Bruce. Of course.

Alfred: By the way, do you, boys, prefer poison or bullet?

Dick, nervous: Hey, I am pretty sure the poor girl—

Alfred: Who said anything about the lady?

Tim, whistling: Well, Cass would be delighted to inherit a cowl so soon...

Jason: Okay, you all, let's all just do whatever we think Thomas and Martha would like us to do in this situation...

Dick: Yeah, they probably would be happy for—

Alfred: Thomas would choose a gun.

Boys: (nervous giggle)

Dick, whispering: I'll message B to leave the town.

Tim: Ask him to hide at Kent's. Maybe he can still be saved.

Jason: I'll message Mama Cat. Someone needs to fuck his brain back.

Damian: ...I rather not bother mother. Either way, she will kill Father faster than Alfred will.

[phielows]

Bruce being a pretty face that he is, would of course gain lots of attention. Besides having tons and loads of money and having a surname known in the entirety of Gotham.

Every event and gala that he'd casually walk in, there's already maybe 2-3 people hovering over him, trying to swoon him over and seduce him.

maybe about 2 meters away, 4 people are already eyeing him. Seeing how they'd win him over, how they would capture their prey.

Meanwhile at the manor, the Wayne kids are the ones who have to deal with the bombardment that these suitors are doing towards their father.

Dick: Okay so some weird mf just sent a whole ass bouquet in front of the manor's gates...

Jason: Yeah lemme guess is it carnations?

Dick: no, it's peonies.

Jason: Oh okay, so that's fron that one CEO from the outskirts of Gotham.

Dick: Wait you got them all memorized?

Tim: well I mean yeah, some of us here even got some bet going on from how long will it take for each and everyone of then to stop sending shit.

Duke: no kidding tho, some fucker decided to drove a whole ass drone with it carrying a package and before it could even reach the boundary of the manor, i exploded it to pieces.

Steph: one time I thought i was gonna be cornered while i was going home, but then turns out it wss one of them suitors, asking me to give Bruce his gifts. I just nodded, he went away then I threw the whole thing to the trash bin.

Cass: A car stopped in front of me on my way home and it even gave me a lift. Then before I could got off of the car, the guy beside me asked if I could give Bruce the perfume he has sent for him. I gave it to the homeless man.

Dick: Why would you, a trained assissin and a vigilante would just randomly accept an offer from a stranger????

Cass: my legs are tired from walking.

Dick: ??????EVEN CHILDREN KNEW BETTER THAN ACCEPTING A STRANGER'S OFFER?

_________________________

Meanwhile

Damian whispering while observing the surroundings: You got the thing?

Clark: Yeah got it here. (Hands over Krypto)

Damian, trying not to coo on the spot: okay. So, all I need to do is convince Father,right? Saturday night, at the daily planet tower, 10 pm sharp?

Clark: Yep! And could you hand him over this? (Hands over a little gift)

Damian: you need an added payment.

Clark: fine, 2 week visits to the farm, with free access to every animals.

Damian: deal. I'll make sure Father won't be able to resist this. Pleasure doing business with you.

[mysticlael]

My most famous thing ig Bat inco quotes

Roy: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail. Jason: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the GCPD.

Dick: Ladies, gentlemen and Dami, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld! Damian: A cat? Dick: No. Damian: A kitten? Dick: No! Damian: A kitten with a little hat on? Dick: NO! Damian: Consider me uninterested

Barbara: I’m not like other girls. I’m way, way worse.

Jason: Come on, B! How any times do I have to apologize? Bruce: Once! Jason: ...No.

Jason: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration* Roy, trying to focus on a project: Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table? Jason: I— Jason: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.

Kon: I'm sorry. Please talk to me. Tim: Kon: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure? Tim: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.

Tim: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Duke: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk? Dick: It's Cass' turn. Cass: Don't die. Dick, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.

Jon: Fight me! Damian, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one* Bruce: I will not let you down. Steph: Sounds fun. Cass: K. Jason: No, I'm fucking not. Tim: Do I have to be? Dick: Please God, I am so tired.

Steph: I dare you- Dick: Jason is not allowed to accept dares anymore. Steph: Why not? Jason: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Bruce: Tim, is that my mug you’re drinking out of? Tim: No, it’s mine. Bruce: It... looks just like the one I have... Tim: You don’t have one like this anymore.

Damian, eating a meal: I poisoned one of our glasses… but I forgot which one. Jason: The way this dinner is going, I pray to God that it’s mine.

Steph: I think we can be evil. As a treat. Cass: We? Steph: We. :)

Tim: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Jason: Okay? Tim: … Tim: … Tim: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so—

Dick: Litte Wing, it’s a shooting star, let’s make a wish! Robin!Jason: I wish for good grades. Dick: Nerd. Jason: Nevermind, I wish upon the shooting star to fall down at a 30° velocity aiming for Dick. :) Dick: Jason…

Jason: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

[chaoticwriting]

YOU ARE MARRIED??!!

-Wayne Manor, Gotham-

Cass is not having a good time. From the Arkham breakout last week all the way to losing a bet with his siblings on who is going to attend the gala with Bruce. And now this annoying lady kept asking her about her preference in men or something. And Bruce can't help her since he is being occupied by those rich assholes about investment or stuff.

Vicky: So, Miss Wayne. Is it true that you have a secret boyfriend?

Cass: No.

Vicky: Then how about that pict-

Cass: I'm already married.

Vicky blue screened as Cass finished her sentence. Cass takes the chance and slips away from her before she starts barraging her with questions. Revealing that she is married may not be the smartest thing she has done but she is very annoyed at people who keep asking her about her secret significant other. If they want to ask, at least use the proper term.

Just as Cass reaches the hallway, she is scooped up by two strong arms and is carried away to the Batcave. Cass looks to her side to see Dick and Jason both holding one of her arms each and looking very pissed. Well, Dick looks very pissed. Jason looks like he is having fun. Cass doesn't struggle and just lets her brothers carry her to the Batcave to have the talk.

They put Cass on the couch and proceed to guard the exit of the cave on the off chance that she decides to escape. Not that she would because she and her husband have been thinking of breaking the news to their respective family for awhile now.

She waited for a few hours while playing on her phone. Her main phone. Not the one she used to contact her husband since this family has a lot of competent hackers. She knows that being married is like a big deal. But she doesn't expect it to be such a big deal.

When she says everyone is here, she means everyone. From all his close family all the way to Selina (Bruce's fiancee), Roy (Jason's boyfriend), Kori (Dick's wife), Kon (Tim's boyfriend), Jon (Damian's bff) and even Harley and Ivy is here. She is also pretty sure that Clark is listening from somewhere but it's not like she is trying to keep it a secret anymore, so the more people there are the less she needs to explain.

Harper: So what are we here again? I would rather be home to polish my new gun than in this cave.

Dick: Since everyone is here, I would like to apologize for calling all of you in such short notice.

A murmur ranging from 'it's fine' all the way to 'I want to sleep' sounded in the room.

Dick: Anyway, let's get to the main topic shall we. For starters, I would like to say that none of us wishes to control who you dated nor who you choose to be your partner.

Some more murmurs sounded in the room.

Dick: HOWEVER! We would really appreciate it if you wish to marry someone, at least notify one of us since being married is a big deal.

More murmurs sounded as all of them have a rough idea on what the topic going to be.

Dick: So, the person in question, would you like to explain yourself?

A spotlight lights up on top of Cass, directing all the people's attention to her. She doesn't even know there is a spotlight installed in the cave.Cass stands up and looks at the crowd. She replies, "No."

Everyone is stunned by her reply. They expect many types of replies but no is certainly not one of them.

Tim: Fuck you mean no?

Alfred: I would prefer this conversation to remain civil and proper please master Timothy. I would also like to express my extreme displeasure at the fact that I am not notified by your marriage Mistress Cassandra.

Cass goes still at Alfred's sentence. Okay, shit is really serious. As much as she loves messing with them, she would rather not have her food burnt on the inside. (No one knows how Alfred manages to do that.)

Cass: Ehem, I'm just messing with you. It is a long story but to make it short, my husband and I met when we were in Hong Kong. We met after he got roped in one of the gangs that I was busting. After we met and a little misunderstanding, he helped me to dismantle the underground drug labs across Hong Kong.

Tim: So he is also a vigilante?

Cass: Ex-vigilante. He has a daughter now so he is taking care of her.

Dick: You get pregnant?!! How? When?

Cass: I did not get pregnant. But she is technically my daughter.

Jason: Like how Lian is with me?

Cass: No. Biological daughter.

Kon: Umm, guys. I think Bruce needs to rest a little. His heart has been beating a little too fast for even him.

Dick and and Tim are closest to Bruce realizing that Bruce's face has been impossibly pale for quite a while now. They take him to an empty couch and let him lay there and rest for a while. Everyone's reactions range from amused to straight up concerned that Bruce's career as Batman might get cut short today.

It takes a while but as soon as Bruce is fine, they continue another round of questions and answers.

Bruce: How long have you been married?

Cass: Next week is our 3rd anniversary.

Duke: Wait. Didn't you plan to go to Hong Kong for some time next week? You even ask me to cover your patrol because you say you need to go somewhere.

Cass: I don't lie. I missed last year's anniversary since there was an Arkham breakout at the time.

Duke: Dude, still not cool. You are going on a date with your husband while I need to spend hours running on top of buildings around Gotham. So not fair.

Jason: Was the present you asked me to send last year also was for your husband?

Cass: Yes.

Jason: I've been your middle man all this time and I don't even know.

Barbara: I found it! This is the registration for marriage between Cassie Cain and Daniel Fenton. You used a fake name?

Cass: Yes. You will know otherwise.

Bruce: Why do you hide it?

Cass: I'm not sure all of you are gonna like him and vice versa.

Dick: Is he a bad person? I will kill him if he treats you badly.

Cass: No. He doesn't trust all of you at first.

Steph: And why is that?

Cass: He thinks the Justice League is working with the government. So by extension, all of you are associates of government to him.

Steph: Why is he running away from the government? Is he a criminal?

Barbara: No. He doesn't have any criminal records in his name. Except for the fact that he is practically nonexistent before he is 18, there is nothing wrong with him.

Tim: Is it a forged identity then?

Cass: No. The government wiped away his records.

Dick: What? Why?

Cass: I don't know.

Damian: I expect you to at least do a background check on someone before marrying them, Cain.

Dick: Did you get married with someone you barely know? Do you understand how dangerous that is? What if he just dipped you after you got married?

Cass: *Rolls her eyes* He isn't a bad person. I make sure of that at least. I know he is some sort of meta tho-

A green portal suddenly appears out of thin air making everyone be on guard except Cass. She expects Danny to come out of the portal to greet her but what comes out baffled her.

A young girl that looks a little like Cass riding on a big wolf comes out of the portal swiftly towards Cass. Everyone is just about to shoot their weapons when the girl's word shock them.

???:Mama!

Everyone: Mama?!!

Part 2

[pinkiemachine]

I am still waiting, Hishe…

Kal: Bruce, there you are — what in the world?

Bruce: Hey Kal.

Kal: Who are all these kids?!

Bruce: My Bat Family. I’m a dad now.

Kal: Since when?!

Bruce: Since 1940. Try to keep up.

Kal: I thought it was just the one! Hi, Nightwing.

Dick: Hi Superman! Yeah, I have siblings now.

Kal: And how’s that working out?

Dick: Most of us have died at least once.

Kal: …What?

Bruce: Hey Kal, check it out. This one’s super smart, and we have matching coffee mugs.

Tim: :)

Bruce: This one…

Cass: …

Bruce: Actually, this one scares me. And this one glows in the dark! Heheh!

Duke: :D

Kal: I can see that…

Damian: Father, I’m hungry. When are we having dinner?

Bruce: How many criminals have you caught today?

Damian: *holds up three villains* Is this sufficient?

Bruce: Eh, it’s good enough. Here. *tosses him a tofu hotdog, like just the dog part* Keep working on it. Three more and you get the bun.

Kal: *horrified silence*

Dick: Hmph! When I was Robin, I could catch at least five criminals before dinner.

Tim: Oh my gosh, Dick, no one cares!

Jason: No one cares about anything in this stinkin’ family. Where were you all when I died, huh?!

Everyone: *groan*

Damian: Quit being such a drama queen, Todd! It’s not like losing your life is the end of the world!

Tim: Yeah!

Damian: You shut up. The only thing you’ve ever lost is your spleen.

Duke: And his parents.

Everyone except Damian: *parental trauma* AH!

Bruce: I told you never to mention that!

Kal: I can’t believe what I’m watching… Does Alfred know about this?!

Bruce: Yeah, totally, he’s cool with it.

Kal: *narrowing his eyes* I have a very hard time believing that.

Bruce: Well, he works for me, so shut up.

Kal: What about Catwoman?! Does Catwoman know about this?!

Bruce: *nervous* Um… well…

Damian: *suspicious* Who’s Catwoman?

Bruce: *very nervous* No one.

Dick: Oh, he is so dating Catwoman!

Tim: Why didn’t you tell us?!

Jason: What if we don’t want a step-mom, huh?!

Bruce: Woah, hold on now —

Duke: Look, you’re upsetting Batgirl!

Cass: …

Bruce: Alright, that’s enough! We’re not gonna talk about this anymore! Because —

Everyone: *annoyed* — you’re Batman!

Bruce: No! Because I said so! …And also, yes, because I’m Batman! Cause Batman says so!

Kal: *smirking* More like because you’re Bat-Dad.

Bruce: >:(

Kal: And hey, where’s Barbara? I thought she was Batgirl?

Bruce: *nervous* She was…

Kal: …Bruce, what did you do?

Dick: Oh, don’t worry, Superman, Barbara’s fine.

Kal: Oh, thank goodness.

Jason: She’s just paralysed from the waste down.

Kal: Bruce!

Bruce: It wasn’t my fault! She’s not even technicially my kid!

Kal: Bruce…

Bruce: Oh, don’t you “Bruce” me. I’ll “Bruce” you… “Bruce” you in the face.

Kal: Okay, that’s it, you are not allowed to find any more sidekicks starting right now!

Bruce: *holding up Harper* What about this one?

Kal: No!

Bruce: *holding up Spoiler* This one still has a parent — I can just be a mentor.

Kal: No!

Bruce: Well, gee, Kal, what am I supposed to do with all the orphans in Gotham, then, huh?!

Kal: Do you hear yourself right now?

Bruce: I have a system, Kal!

Kal: That’s it! There’s only way to solve this!

*Superman grabs Batman, and they fly off*

*Batman then appears on the couch in Therapist Spider-Man’s office from Across the Spider-Verse*

Therapist Spider-Man: Would you say you carry any trauma from your childhood?

Batman: *leans over* Do I have a story for you.