#it's also so fucking depressing how few people are into or even know about the magicians
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dollishbabess Ā· 2 days ago
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Do you do batfamily? I literally love your profile aesthetic and I think it would be really cool something like girly reader who is the youngest in the batfamily, I think it would be funny the boys dealing with her and everything. ilyšŸ¤
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ā€œI PRESSED HIDE ICONS BUT I CAN STILL SEE MEā€ ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦ DOLLISH ā‹†. š™š Ėš
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A/n: this literally made me laugh but tysm ily too, but literally i tried to balance this with sass + a girl who likes pink and other colors instead of stereotypical pink girly girl and etc but if this is not correct then sorry because i only have one sister and a brother and iā€™m oldest out of all of them.
tags: batfamily x girly!batsis
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ā‹†. š™š Ėš
The manor is, of course, dark and filled with heavy, old-fashioned furniture. Meanwhile, youā€™re room is beautiful with subtle hints of pink decor and white, and a beautiful walk in closet, and your room is the only spot with cozy, neutral decor and soft pinks, which you somehow convinced Alfred was ā€œtasteful and happyā€
Bruce pretends he doesnā€™t notice the little decorative changes you make around the house, like the rose-gold lamp in the hallway or the fresh flowers on the dining table. Alfred, though, secretly loves it because it makes the place feel a little less like a ā€˜depressive episodeā€™ (Iā€™m convinced if someone suicidal went in that manor they would likely fucking commit at this rate).
ā€œCINDERELLA ARE YOU FUCKING READY?!ā€ ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
When you go to family dinners or galas, the boys have come to expect that youā€™ll need at least an hour to get ready. They used to complain, but now theyā€™ve just accepted it (even if it means sleeping while standing up waiting) And youā€™re always perfectly dressed, from your hair to your jewelry.
Tim once asked why you had to wear rings on your ring finger without being married, and without missing a beat, you responded, ā€œBecause I need to let people know I have style standards, maybe you can learn a or two about fashion, your dressed like a fucking caveman.ā€
ā€œITS EXPLAINABLEā€ ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
Alfred has somehow become your unofficial shopping partner, knowing all your preferred stores and patiently sitting outside the fitting rooms. Heā€™s the only one who will willingly go with you without complaint, and he even knows which colors you like best
Once, Bruce was caught off guard by a credit card alert because it was awhile someone spent THAT much money and asked Alfred about it. Alfred just responded calmly, ā€œIt was for necessary purchases, Master Wayne,ā€ even though the ā€œnecessary purchasesā€ included a ton of ā€œdesignerā€ things.
ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
Damian once challenged you to a chess match, thinking he could beat you easily. Halfway through, you made a risky move, looked him dead in the eye, and said, ā€œYouā€™re about to see a queen move.ā€ Damian lost, and heā€™s still confused about how it happened.
One morning, Dick said, ā€œIsnā€™t it a little early for all the glam and glitter?ā€ You just gave him a look and said, ā€œIsnā€™t it a little late for you to be alive, your social security number is probably one.
YOUR BEAUTY PRODUCTS BECOMING A ATTEMPT ON PEOPLES LIVES ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
Bruce has almost tripped on your eyelash curler twice. The family has also officially banned you from putting skincare masks in the fridge after Jason mistook your green tea gel eye masks for some kind of salad topping (the worse part isā€¦ he ate the whole thing and didnā€™t realize until he went shopping trying to find the exact one until he found it in the skincare aisle instead of the salad dressing aisleā€¦)
Tim opened the wrong drawer in your room once, and it looked like a makeup frenzy had exploded. Lip glosses, nail polishes, tiny skincare samples, and sheet masks cascaded out, and he just stood there, baffled by how much one person could need, (he thought you ran a business for a few days after.)
ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
You also gave Bruce a mini heart attack when you told him you wanted a different laptop because ā€œthis oneā€™s too boring.ā€ The Batcomputer tech isnā€™t boring, but you wanted a rose-gold case and ā€œa vibe,ā€ so Bruce ended up ordering one in the exact shade you wanted.
The family group chat is complete chaos. You regularly send pictures of quotes from romance novels, and the occasional inspirational meme with sparkles. Once, you sent a photo of the living room and asked, ā€œCould we get some lighter curtains in here? For my aesthetic and mental well being?ā€
Whenever someoneā€™s late, you flood the chat with passive-aggressive texts like, ā€œJason, do you know what ā€˜be here at 6 PMā€™ means?ā€ or ā€œDick, if youā€™re any later, Iā€™ll be old enough to vote for Kamala at this rate.ā€
MOVIE NIGHTS ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
You insist on watching rom-coms and dramas instead of the usual action movies. Even though the boys groan, youā€™ve noticed they secretly enjoy the movies by the end. Tim tried to deny it, but he was caught laughing at a scene in white chicks and you swore to never let him forget it.
Once, you convinced them to watch a ā€œfall aestheticā€ movie marathon, complete with hot chocolate and fuzzy blankets. Even Jason joined in, and you teased him the whole night, whispering, ā€œDonā€™t pretend you donā€™t love a good blanket.
THE OFFICAL FASHION GURU FINALBOSS šŸ’œ ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
Youā€™ve taken it upon yourself to occasionally ā€œadviseā€ the boys on their fashion. If Tim wears a hoodie thatā€™s ā€œtwo shades too close to ā€˜depressionā€™ ā€ youā€™ll be the first to tell him. You even convinced Damian to try a collared shirt once, though he looked horrified.
Dick gets roasted the most. He walked out wearing cargo shorts once, and you deadpan, ā€œGoing for the ā€˜iā€™m so old i saw humans evolveā€™ look i see.ā€ He didnā€™t change, but he was clearly a little self-conscious the whole day (he never wore cargo shorts ever againā€¦)
SKINCARE TIPS ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
Youā€™ve taught the boys some random facts they never knew, like the importance of hyaluronic acid for skincare and the difference between ballet flats and loafers. They pretend to brush it off, but youā€™ve overheard Jason giving roy skincare advice using the tips you shared.
When Bruce had a minor scratch on his face from patrol, you casually handed him concealer. ā€œJust dab, blend, and donā€™t tell anyone,ā€ you said. He followed the instructions without a word (he used to do that before, just impressed you also knew)
THE BABY OF THE FAMILY ā”€ā”€ .āœ¦
As the youngest, you know how to work the ā€œbaby sisterā€ angle like a pro. The boys are fiercely protective, and any time you need a ride, money for something ā€œtotally essential,ā€ or help with homework, you can count on one of them stepping up.
Once, you asked Damian to grab something from a high shelf for you, and when he hesitated, you hit him with, ā€œGuess i really am alone without a good brother..ā€ He ended up grabbing it for you with a grumble, but you swear you saw him smirk.
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@dollishbabess made by me, do not translate, or repost or copy.
Second divider: @cafekitsune, other dividers not sure I kinda forgot sorry
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altocat Ā· 19 hours ago
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I mean, besides the big bad ultimate illness (degradation/Jenova tomfoolery/geostigma), how would the firsts +Zack and Cloud (AC or not) be when they are genuinely sick. like, legitimately they think they might die. no Genesis thinking the sniffles are death. no no no, GRAVELY ILL.
(also ily, you're great, have a wonderful day ā™„ļø)
This is gonna be SO MORBID lmao Thank you for the tasty angst.
TWs for potentially distressing topics.
Angeal: He initially tries to take the pragmatic approach, the resourceful one. Assuming he's about to die, he gets his affairs in order, arranges everything as neatly as possible. He tries to put on a brave face, even though it's emotionally exhausting him. He tries to juggle everything and bottle his feelings to the point where he becomes depressed and slightly unstable, eventually crumbling from the weight of it, admitting that he hopes it comes as quickly as possible so he doesn't have to prolong his own suffering.
Zack: Keeps a smile on his face despite everything. He's scared, yeah. But he's facing the prospect of dying with a sense of courage and acceptance. Yeah, it's terrifying. But it's a new adventure. He'll face whatever comes. He'll keep joking and laughing. He'll stand toe to toe with Death, look it in the eyes, and depart as an equal. That's the real Zack Fair. Fearless to the end.
AC!Cloud: Cloud privately worries about his loved ones. Tifa. Denzel. All his friends. His family. He wants to protect them. How will they go on without him? What if he doesn't have time to tell them how he really feels? What if it's too late? He once again underestimates just how loved and cherished he really is, with everyone gathering together to be with him, letting him know that they're not going anywhere. Tifa especially. She'd be right there beside him on his deathbed, holding his hand the entire time.
Genesis: Genesis just gets wild, destructive, and more impulsive than usual. He LOVES life, LOVES living. To lose it all is an existential break for him that causes him to become reckless and angry, mindlessly seeking out pleasurable distractions in order to ward off the anguish and pain of illness, regression. Eventually, Genesis just decides that if he IS going to die, better to go out in a blaze of glory. One last big FUCK YOU to the world that robbed him of the chance to live. A final stand against a hated enemy. A noble sacrifice for those he loves. Maybe even one last reckless bit of fun. Genesis plans for the mother of all showstoppers, a grand exit to ensure his name is not forgotten.
Sephiroth: Sephiroth initially expected to be angry and upset--after all, that's how most people feel in such scenarios. But apart from his reluctance to be permanently parted from his few and far between loved ones, he curiously feels a sense of....relief. Relief. Peace. Letting something go, something that has long burdened him, long caused him pain. It's over now. No more questions. No more strain. No more self-suppression. Needles and tanks. Cells and cages. All of it gone. He's free. He's escaped. And there are only outstretched hands beyond the veil, waiting shapes he'd so long hoped to approach, to know, to merge with.
He'll find her again.
He'll be with her. In her arms.
And he'll be warm, at long, long last.
Home.
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noxlysium Ā· 3 days ago
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Why Jean is so important to me
Welcome to my insane ramblings, enjoy your stay (or don't). Most of this is also very self-indulgent, by the way. Warning: Mentions of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, self-destructive thoughts I'd also like to remind you that this isn't me justifying Jean's behavior in any way, he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to handle Harry, or himself. They're both flawed individuals and that's okay. This is just me talking about my own experiences. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the actual thing.
I'm not even sure where to start. When I first found out Jean had clinical depression, I immediately felt a connection. It's relatable. Very relatable, in fact. I myself have been depressed for years. It all started at a young age, I was about 13, but due to trauma it could be very much earlier than that. I don't remember much from my childhood because most of it are bad memories. I'm 21 now and still going through a lot of shit, so it's been about 8 years. Jean strikes me as a guy who has been fucked over his entire life, no matter where he goes or what he does. It always comes back to him. After I have finished DE for the first time and looked more into the lore of Jean and Harry, I started to notice the similarities between the relationship with him and Harry, and the relationship with me and my own parents.
I know what alcohol does to people, I've seen it all. And it's not great for either parties. I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of wanting to help someone to get better, only to realize that they don't want to get better and then I start building hope again. Rinse and repeat. I know I cannot change them. But I keep hoping for a change anyway, and get upset when it never comes. Of course it doesn't. No matter what I've tried. I have tried so many times. I'm a fucking hypocrite because I sometimes drink as well. I don't want to become like them. I drink for fun every once in a while and try to not over-do it, because every time I touch alcohol, something in the back of my mind tells me I'm becoming like my father. I thought about smoking a few times, but I don't want to destroy myself like my mother does. I'm really fucking scared of smoking and its consequences. Which is funny, because I should be as scared when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. They both drink every day at 3 pm, after work. Every single day.
And it has been like this for years. Nothing has ever changed. A few months ago I had an actual discussion with my parents. We usually never have these sort of conversations (That's the issue, by the way. A very big lack of communication. Does that ring any bells?) and I was actually surprised when they told me they wanted to lay off the alcohol. I tried to approach the topic carefully and even offered them help (therapy etc.) but.. they also didn't want that. They straight up told me they don't need help. Which is really fucking frustrating because I want them to understand that they do, but they don't care.
I know change is really fucking hard and I've been there, but my parents had so many opportunities to change and never took them. Nothing has changed for so many years and I'm tired of it. I'm waiting for a change to happen but I know it's never coming anyway. I'm tired, mad, disappointed. That's how Jean feels about Harry, he just doesn't know how to help him and is an ass about it. And I'm just letting it happen, because there's nothing else I can do. I'm watching them destroy themselves every day and it fucking hurts. Something in me still feels a tiny flame of hope, when in reality that flame is already extinguished. I want people to understand, my father really fucking reminds me of Harry. The emotional abusive, the physical abuse, the alcoholism, the sexist remarks.. It just screams Harry. Especially given with how he had been around people Pre-Martinaise, which I have read in the game inside the damaged ledger. The fact that I love Harry to a certain degree says a lot of things.
The marriage between my parents is like if Dora never left Harry, and it's fucking awful.
-
That is mostly why I can relate to Jean so much. There's also some smaller things and I'll get to those now.
He fucking sucks at feelings. You can see it with the way he's trying to handle Harry, and it's not working.. Which, yeah. I suck at those too.
He likes to hide his sadness underneath a layer of cynicism and sarcasm as a coping method.. I do this all the fucking time.
Let's face it, this man is a fucking nervous wreck. He picks at his facial hair and displays a lot more habits like that, like him fixing his clothes (even though they look clean, according to one of the skills in the game), running his hand through his hair.. I do this without even realizing it.
He's depressed and fucking empty on the inside. He most likely hasn't felt real love from anyone or for himself in years. He needs therapy (lots of it), anti-depressants and a hug.. And I know what that feels like. I know it too well.
Lastly, he's a fucking mess. Like in every single way imaginable.. Again, very relatable.
Jean is such an amazing character for me to project on, to relate to and to find comfort in. I'm glad they made him fucked up, because that's what I love about him. He has so many flaws and I love every single one of them. He's in the game for like 15 minutes or less, but the impact he's had on me is insane. I've had a fair share of characters I would obsess over, but Jean hits different.
I'm so glad Jean-Heron Vicquemare exists, because I wouldn't know where I would be if I never met him. I want to thank my lovely friend (who is not on here, but I'm still saying it because I care about him a lot) for gifting me this amazing game.
And I want to thank you for reading this mess of a post.
If you have made it this far, I want to show you one last thing.
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blujayonthewing Ā· 2 months ago
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I've thought a lot about the several thousand year old gnome druid we met who was just bitter and jaded and had spent most of those millennia sitting in one place not doing anything in particular except mourning her tiefling wife who'd died millennia ago, and how disgusted and infuriated with her melliwyk is, personally but also as a gnome herself-- and I'm thinking about it again like. honestly I think it goes beyond general cultural values; that level of willful ongoing stagnation and joyless nihilism is probably completely seriously a gnomish sin
#melliwyk-- viciously and also meaning it from the bottom of her heart: you might as well just be dead.#zhartook- a baby druid who has inherited tana's sort of cosmic role- came away from that meeting with existential dread#melliwyk's just SPITTING FIRE angry about it. what a WASTE. what a WASTE of a LIFE.#I'll be lucky to get a few CENTURIES and it won't be enough to squeeze as much LIVING out of life as possible!#other people are lucky to get even just a handful of decades!#and YOU!! who ought to KNOW BETTER!! don't even have A HOBBY?? you're sitting here talking about how POINTLESS EVERYTHING IS???#you married a tiefling and act like outliving your loved ones is uniquely tragic for you? like you wouldn't have done that anyway??#... ah I got possessed by mel's anger for a sec there gfkjhgfd. point is I think the real core of the most important gnome values#is that being alive and being a part of the world is a gift that you're meant to delight in and make the most of#it's your PURPOSE to seek joy and fun! it's your PURPOSE to INTERACT with the world creatively and inquisitively!#there's something almost blasphemous about PERMANENTLY and WHOLLY surrendering to despair#something heretical about talking confidently about how little anything matters and so there's no point in caring#tana's probably got turbo depression but her own hot take was just 'yeah kids this is what being alive this long does to you lol'#and mel is like. no I think you're just really fucking bad at it. like are you aware people are still writing new books#my OCs#melliwyk#gnome stuff
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rosicheeks Ā· 3 months ago
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I get mad about Fb posts too!! I struggle with being jealous of others and it makes me hate myself. I wish I wasn't like this lol
I relate to this so much omg
#Iā€™ve been struggling a looooot with jealousy and being envious#I think itā€™s just hard to see people I know thriving when Iā€™m trying so hard to simply survive#I havenā€™t been able to go over to my sisters new place cause Iā€™m just too jealous#and I HATE it cause I want to be happy for them#itā€™s a big thing to get a place or get married or have a baby or whatever#thatā€™s huge and if itā€™s someone I know and love I want to be happy for them#but I canā€™t help but also look at myself and my own life#and get incredibly sad and upset that this is how my life is turning out#I wanted to do so many things with my life#but this stupid mental illness is fucking everything up#Iā€™m just so so so sick of it#I want to live a normal life like other people I know#I went over to a new friends place and Iā€™m still thinking about it#sheā€™s depressed and struggling with chronic illnesses like I am#but she got married a few years ago and the husband is helping so much#they have this beautiful townhouse that I would KILL for#and they have a golden retriever#and itā€™s just so hard to see someone who is struggling like I am but still has all of these things#Iā€™d fucking kill for a pet or a place of my own#Iā€™m so SO sick of living here and not having a safe space I can go to when I need to be by myself#just having my car is such a shitty feeling#but I know Iā€™m privileged I have a roof over my head and I have a car I can run to#I just wish I was in her position or everyone else who is in a better position/situation than I am#and I know I know itā€™s not all black and white Iā€™m sure there are struggles behind the camera that Iā€™m not seeing#but itā€™s still the fact that they have a place to go to or they have a dog to be with and get comfort from#itā€™s just so fucking hard#I canā€™t help compare my life to theirs every single time I see a happy post#and donā€™t even get me started on how much I spiral when I see they are younger than me and doing better than I am#ooooooh boy#ask
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blizzardfluffykpop Ā· 4 months ago
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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wastelandhell Ā· 2 years ago
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deranged rambling
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phagodyke Ā· 5 months ago
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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mintaka-iii Ā· 1 year ago
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My mental health can't possibly good if an essay on the found family trope gives me such an indescribable feeling of hollowness and yearning
#Generally I know things are bad when some media is unbearable to consume#It's weird because I'm not overtly anxious and I'm less depression paralyzed than a few months ago#But I'm so terrified and hopeless about grad school applications that it's affecting my whole psyche#Even though it's not even a problem in my current life#It's just unbearable to think about or work on and it has been for like two years#Which means it's kinda hard to make any kind of meaningful change that would make me LESS terrified and hopeless#So I don't FEEL anxious or ACT anxious but I'm scared to death and compartmentalizing it#Also I've been in this town where I know none of my friends for more than a year now and also it's so small and I'm so fucking lonely#I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently#But then I never realize I miss my sister until I see her again#And I didn't know how much I missed seeing all my friends irl until I did#Exactly twice in the past year#So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them#Also I want nothing more than to get an astrophysics PhD but it's SO much more competitive than physics#Cause the programs are so small#So do I apply to what I want and increase my chances of being rejected AGAIN#Or do I try and write essays about being interested in something I'm not really#No matter which program I get into I can probably do work in the other in actuality#But I feel like I can't apply to a physics program and exclusively talk about all the faculty I want to work with one department over#And most places don't let you apply to both
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sad-drake-lyrics Ā· 1 year ago
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i can't stop thinking about this because i live on Magicians and Demon Slayer brainrot.
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neverendingford Ā· 2 months ago
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.
#tag talk#went running this morning for the first time in like.. a year I think. I'm so out of shape.#I used to be able to fly. I used to be able to fuckin glide on my feet#oh well. I'll get there again if I really want it. I just have to let myself move in that direction#I lost it in college when my social anxiety got so bad I couldn't just go outside and run except at one in the morning#and a few minor health things popped up that just made running that much more prohibitive.#like the fact that my ears would hurt and I would get headaches from the wind on my ears even in 90 F weather#and the general stress-related stomach issues that made running nausea-inducing#I also just want to get back into my ideal shape without cutting calories because I need all the calories I can get but#but when I'm inactive I do get more tummy than I would like#which makes me feel guilty because I know I shouldn't feel shame about the shape of my body and a little tummy is the least of my worries#but if I can motivate myself with the desire to make my body my own instead of shame for how it is.#that's no different than any other thing people do to change how their body looks and presents#it's just the shame that's bad. running towards good not running away from perceived bad. motivation versus demotivation#also exercising is a great way to get out my manic energy without fucking randos off grindr#but in general my ability to go outside and be seen by other people has gotten a lot better.#between accepting that I'm allowed to just ignore people and be weird. and also sort of gender transitioning. my anxiety is at all time lows#idk. my life is pretty manageable right now. I manage the periodic depression and ride out the mania#I have a few friends to talk to and someone to play aoe2 with so honestly I'm alright#plans for things next year that I'll see if they pull through.#all in all my life is something I don't hate anymore and that's pretty fuckin pogchamp
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medicinemane Ā· 4 months ago
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Man, I'm just kind of dazed today
I woke up yesterday around 9am, didn't do much for the day, went to bed... realized it was too hot to fall asleep (cause my window is broken so I can't open it)
So I got up, filled 3 box with papers as I sorted out the magazines and mail
Then I needed to stay up till after 8am so I could go to the post office to return that bowl. Came back and laid down but... you know when your body just feels wired and you really need to sleep but can't? Probably cause it's pumping out hormones to keep me awake to compensate for me being so tired, that's my guess based on how it feels
Anyway, lay down and kind of drift off with a video in the background, but... I think I was just on the verge of sleep but not able to cross over... like dozing at best
Then I hear Bart making noise and look over and he's acting like he's hunting a mouse, and sure enough he was, so he helps me cup it, and then I go take it to a field outside of town to hopefully live a better life... but clearly wasn't sleeping if I'm doing that
And... I'm still up. I think I'm gonna try and take another crack at sleeping... I hope I can do it. Things do at least feel a bit cooler
But yeah, I'm a mess today, gonna be two days worth of dash to look through whenever I get up, and then I can also respond to the couple messages I've got
But oof... hate feeling like this. The non depressed part of me wants to die just because maybe then I could finally rest
#for the record not even feeling that suicidal today; not sure if I'm too tired for it or if I'm just in an ok mood for once#but fuck do I just want to shut off and never have to boot up again; but now and in general#I relate to Bilbo and Frodo talking about being stretched thin... I feel something similar... you know... most of the time#strip the depression aside and I'm tired... and I don't know if any amount of rest will cure it... I don't know if I can truly rest#got a lot of things I want to do; whole lot of skills I want to pick up#but... having to be the parent my whole life; never actually getting a proper break... I'm so tired#my trip to Phoenix was the closest to a break I've gotten; but... there was a set activity in a set time frame#...it still kinda feels like I should have found a way to squeeze more out of it; you know? like as an obligation#not cause I minded how things actually went... but it just felt like I shouldn't have been at the hotel on the couch; should have been out#and then a 3 day window with stressful travel on either side of it... hard to really relax like that#obviously I had a fairly bad breakdown there; one of the few times I was actually at serious risk... not sure if I'd have managed it#don't trust myself to have the nerve to kill myself; but I very much did have a method... if I hadn't had someone to go see the next day#might have just gone ahead with it#but anyway; other than dinner with my friend their friend group and showers... I'm not sure I relaxed there either#I think... I think sleeping was more a maintenance obligation and I sprung up like when I set an alarm#(I so rarely set alarms and almost always wake up a couple minutes before them; it felt like that for 3 days straight)#so... truthfully I don't know if... if I've ever really rested#mhh... no joke; the last time that comes to mind that I didn't feel like I had to be kind of on#was when I was 13 on a school trip; and I'd taken a surf board to the back of the head while being rescued from a rip tide#and so people were worried about me; and I was just kind of laying there relaxing while people played cards and stuff nearby#...mhh... anyway... in less of a mood to say it's a shame I didn't just drown; so I suppose that's something#but... I don't even know what I'm saying; I'm so tired in the lack of sleep sense#and also physically and emotionally or... whatever#well... take care#mm tag so i can find things later
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heyitslapis Ā· 5 months ago
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its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on
Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit
#ive been fucking sobbing on the phone for 20 minutes calling the phone number over and over again#im about to mcfucking lose it and im sad and confused and scared because my foot is still so swollen even though it doesnt hurt very much#and google says if swelling on an injury like this persists after 48 hours to go get it looked at#all the walkin clinics near me dont have any xray techs til monday & quoted me anywhere from $130-$300 if i dont have insurance which i can#provide proof of nor am i even sure i actually have at this point and im ngl my guys i only have like $180 to my name until next friday#but then basically my entire next paycheck is going to Geico#and overall im just having a really really really bad time rn and im scared that if my foot is actually fractured im gonna fuck it up worse#by walking around on it without a boot/cast. yeah ive been sitting at work the last few days#but its front desk at a hotel so at least for the first hour of my shift and last 1.5 hours i HAVE to be standing#my foot was so swollen after work today it hurt to get my shoe off#im just really fucking stressed and anxious and confused and im sitting here sobbing my eyes out realizing theres literally no one i can#call just to vent and cry it out with#cant call my mom cause i busted my foot leaving her place after her husband got in my face & screamed at me for saying you cant hit people#cant call my siblings cause none of them can help/we dont talk often enough that i feel like i can burden them with this#i have a few casual friends but same sitch im not close enough with them that i feel comfortable venting while sobbing to them#i could call my ex but shes got a new boo now/its not her problem/we rarely talk anymore/she cant help so no point in calling#only other person who knows/is worried about me is my ex's mom but she wont be home from work for break til 2pm & its 11:30am rn#not close enough to any of my coworkers either#its times like this that i realize how truly alone i am these days with no one that can physically comfort me#which of course is only making me more upset#thats what i get for being depressed and reclusive the last 2 years and only letting people get an arms length reach from me emotionally#there is a medical clinic i can go to that is a 50 minute drive from me and without insurance you just pay a $20 sliding fee plus a little#extra for the care services but again theyre not open until monday and also its a 50 minute drive from me#so all im learning is i shouldve gone some place thursday morning after it happened and im fucked at least til monday#FUCK my STUPID BAKA life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever. guess imma keep icing it try to keep it elevated and just endure it and hope it doesnt get worse#emma rambles#vent tag#DONT REBLOG
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rosicheeks Ā· 7 months ago
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#I fucking hate doctors and the medical field so much#I was FINALLY starting to get on the right path#called a php place and think I know where Iā€™m going#have a therapist Iā€™ve been talking to here and there#Iā€™ve been trying to get into a psych evaluation right?#called 5+ places the other day and they all had 5-8 month long waitlists#I need to get most of this shit done before June#so that ainā€™t gonna work#called the psych place my doctor referred me to#(would like to add that I did call this same place right after my doctor visit a few months ago and they never called me back)#so I had no hope they were even going to pick up#I was shocked when I heard someone picked up and even more shocked when they said they had an opening for fucking Wednesday#literally I felt like everything was finally aligning#I scheduled the appt for a zoom meeting at 10am#then I get a bunch of random emails saying my appointment was changed#now I have two different appointments- Wednesday and Thursday both at 9am and with a totally different doctor#so I was like???? ok guessing something happened but I didnā€™t think much of it - called to figure out what day it actually is#when I called to confirm they told me that I canā€™t be tested until I get an internal referral#I told them I did get a referral???#they looked at it and it was just a referral for depression not adhd or anything else#but then when they looked more into it they found in the notes she wanted me to get adhd testing#SO she just forgot to add it to my referral#I get people make mistakes#but this is like the 4th time something like this has happened lately#Iā€™m just trying to be healthy#and it is fucking RIDICULOUS how incredibly hard it is to find the proper help#also the girl yesterday when I made the appointment said yes to all my questions but sounds like she doesnā€™t know what sheā€™s talking about#was like ā€˜does this test for adhd and autism?ā€™ ā€˜yeah for sureā€™ and then I find out they donā€™t even test for autism#so now I have to find a totally different person to either do both or just test for autism#either way I feel incredibly disheartened and overwhelmed and sad
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saturnsocoolioyep Ā· 1 year ago
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Ultimate Anime Tournament: Round 3, Matchup 32
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#this is physically painful#i love mob so much but also madoka magica is literally so incredible and powerful and masterful in the story it tells#its not just edgy for the sake of being edgy its about the absolute gut wrenching horror of being a teenage girl#and having your bodily autonomy taken away without your knowledge or consent and its about depression and loneliness and companionship#loss and just how far you're willing to go to save just one beautiful kind and selfless person#its about self esteem and growing up#the loss of friendships as the people around you change#learning the horrors of the world too young#seeing death far too young. losing friends to it.#losing them to addiction or depression or even just differences from liking the same boy#its about love. and loss. kindness and cruelty.#and it executes every single one of these themes so flawlessly that i had to take breaks after every ep from ep4 onwards to think about it#mob psycho is an incredible show and executes its themes very very very well and i adore it#madoka magica is just.... its just. its irreplicable#theyre both similar in that they are parodies of their genre that deconstruct and twist its tropes on their heads#and they both do so very well#madoka is just on another level in terms of its execution of these things. because it does so in TWELVE EPISODES#i didnt even know that when i finally said yes to watching with my partner. its so talked about that i assumed it was a long running series#its almost overwhelming how tight the pacing is and how much story it tells within those twelve episodes but its so... flawless#and with as few spoilers as possible. having us follow madoka as a character is genius because we as an audience are just as naive as her#it lulls you into a false sense of security with the first three episodes because we are following madoka's understanding of things#our worldview is shattered at the same time as her. and the more we learn about homura (as madoka and the others do)#the more we come to understand the tragedy of it all. and again. it does all this in TWELVE EPISODES#when i realized exactly why the intro was at the end of the episode only once i sobbed#all this to say: gay love can in fact pierce through the veil of death and save the day. but lesbians are on a whole nother fucking LEVEL
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inkskinned Ā· 1 year ago
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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.
first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.
it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.
and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.
you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.
and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.
your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.
in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.
in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.
so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.
you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.
once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.
and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"
you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?
hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!
you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.
we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?
#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck#good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen#im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3#writeblr#the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this''#and like also#''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist#i was <3 punctured <3 during mine#and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion''#so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3#she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh#ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance#i'd crash on the table#like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it#and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop!#and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just#woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes#she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room#from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing#and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying#and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap#with this terrible memory#i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like#that was too many liters#and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home#i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after#that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty#you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it#while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED#and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.
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