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heyitslapis · 3 days

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its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on

Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit

#ive been fucking sobbing on the phone for 20 minutes calling the phone number over and over again #im about to mcfucking lose it and im sad and confused and scared because my foot is still so swollen even though it doesnt hurt very much #and google says if swelling on an injury like this persists after 48 hours to go get it looked at #all the walkin clinics near me dont have any xray techs til monday & quoted me anywhere from $130-$300 if i dont have insurance which i can #provide proof of nor am i even sure i actually have at this point and im ngl my guys i only have like $180 to my name until next friday #but then basically my entire next paycheck is going to Geico #and overall im just having a really really really bad time rn and im scared that if my foot is actually fractured im gonna fuck it up worse #by walking around on it without a boot/cast. yeah ive been sitting at work the last few days #but its front desk at a hotel so at least for the first hour of my shift and last 1.5 hours i HAVE to be standing #my foot was so swollen after work today it hurt to get my shoe off #im just really fucking stressed and anxious and confused and im sitting here sobbing my eyes out realizing theres literally no one i can #call just to vent and cry it out with #cant call my mom cause i busted my foot leaving her place after her husband got in my face & screamed at me for saying you cant hit people #cant call my siblings cause none of them can help/we dont talk often enough that i feel like i can burden them with this #i have a few casual friends but same sitch im not close enough with them that i feel comfortable venting while sobbing to them #i could call my ex but shes got a new boo now/its not her problem/we rarely talk anymore/she cant help so no point in calling #only other person who knows/is worried about me is my ex's mom but she wont be home from work for break til 2pm & its 11:30am rn #not close enough to any of my coworkers either #its times like this that i realize how truly alone i am these days with no one that can physically comfort me #which of course is only making me more upset #thats what i get for being depressed and reclusive the last 2 years and only letting people get an arms length reach from me emotionally #there is a medical clinic i can go to that is a 50 minute drive from me and without insurance you just pay a $20 sliding fee plus a little #extra for the care services but again theyre not open until monday and also its a 50 minute drive from me #so all im learning is i shouldve gone some place thursday morning after it happened and im fucked at least til monday #FUCK my STUPID BAKA life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever. guess imma keep icing it try to keep it elevated and just endure it and hope it doesnt get worse #emma rambles #vent tag #DONT REBLOG

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decolonize-the-left · 19 days

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I am in the process of getting a new doctor. And by that I mean my insurance dropped my first one roughly a year ago so I made an appointment with my new primary who was also dropped before a second appointment. Then I had a new one but I then I accidentally double booked my kids therapy for the same day and didn't realize til we were already at her appointment so I rescheduled a new one.

These are 3-6 months apart btw. That's what the wait-list for a primary is like here for me.

Anyway so I have a new appointment in September and this whole time I haven't been working ofc cuz im in pain 24/7 and even when I had a job I'd be sent home cuz I'd just start sobbing in the break rooms or I'd be late cuz I had anxiety and didn't want to go, etc (long list, tldr: I'd be a bad employee if literally nothing else). Besides that I've never gotten passed the interview stage when I was looking for a job here.

So yeah. September is when I see my new doctor who probably won't open my file until I'm in his office.

Remember that.

I go to an appointment about my cash benefits a few days ago, now right? I've talked to these people on the phone, they know what's up with my situation. They said they'd waive the obligations for me, nbd. And every now and then you gotta renew them too, just making sure youre still poor, haven't moved, etc. So I go in think it's a formality thing and they just wanna make sure nothing changed.

Nope. Nobody took notes or filed anything so it just looks like I have been blowing off obligations I had for 6 months :)

All this to say fuck them for giving me 30 days to see a new doctor that I literally I can not see until September when it's literally out of my power to make it happen faster. And I'll be lucky if this new person is willing to sign off on a brand new patients disability forms too.

After 30 days thats half of our money they take until I get those forms signed.

This is life for those of us who are queer, poor, & disabled parents of color.

Lots of people have lots of stigmas about me. And that's creates certain beliefs around me, most often that it can't be that bad or that I'm even making up how bad it is.

I'm telling y'all it's that bad. When my benefits get cut it won't be because I wasn't trying, I already have an appointment.

I can't work. My gf's paychecks are getting garnished (this means debtors are taking money btw). We're both deeply mentally ill even if we can't prove our physical disabilities.

When I tell y'all that these benefits and your help is the only reason we eat after they run out, believe me.

This blog is my lifeline and it's just hits different after the last few days to open my asks and see some dipshit saying more classist shit to me even on tumblr

And I know that someone like me does not have a safe space. Never did. Probably never will. But this blog is my lifeline so can y'all just....not?

Can you just leave me alone instead of projecting your awful beliefs about everything I am into my asks, please?

You don't know me. Quit pretending you do to justify all the hatred you have.

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chrollohearttags · 19 days

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it’s been a day..idk what kind but certainly a day

#cherry chats 🍒#woke up with extreme anxiety for some reason #cried twice before even getting out of bed #then I couldn’t even concentrate to get my assignments done before work #bc I was so anxious #and then work was too overwhelming that I almost broke down #AND THEN GIRL #my parents were gone and I had been calling them for an hour #heard sirens and everything #they weren’t answering the phone so I left work early #going 80 trying to find them #only to discover that they were at my grandparents house ��😭#and left the fucking phones in the truck #then to put the topping on the cake #having to listen to my nigcel brother cry abt women ruined gaming #on a $1500 PC and $100 a month internet that I’m paying for #was almost my breaking point #I’m okay I just needed to vent sjdjdjdhd

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h8ani · 4 months

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I should not be this chronically exhausted both physically and mentally at this age.

#today I have been put thru the ringer and I am not ok #I’m tired of everyone and their momma istg #I wanna cry but also have no right to cry #I’m venting now in the tags just ignore me please #but FUCK #when do I get a break with this shit show I call my life #have no money yet whenever I’m sad I spend my savings to make me feel better #I hate my job and wanna call out but also know I can’t because it’ll reflect my rent check #Cali is too expensive and health insurance is a joke #kinda wanna sell all my funkos now because I’m over my bad spending habits #wanna go to school but that costs money #kinda wanna get a one way plane ticket and not tell anyone #and then there’s my mom crying her heart out because of her pos husband who wants to say mean vile things to her #hearing your mom cry is not a good feeling

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chirsu · 11 months

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Page Five of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. that I bought at a thrift store.

I am using the cut-up technique and going page by page.

#dave.txt #she speaks #poetry #self help books #When I Say No I Feel Guilty #Cut-up technique #coping #depression #This is about being discharged from the mental hospital when we were 14 and returning to school #And not being able to heal because we were too embarrassed to open up to our friends about the reality of our mental state #We were too busy thinking about how we must be overreacting.#Silently trying to piece ourselves together like a puzzle because we're afraid of using the wrong words and getting called fake #And for years we doubted our transness because we couldn't.. Tell if we were faking it for attention. Bc that's what it always feels like #It all feels so fake because every detail about ourselves feels like a grab for attention.#Just thinking about being depressed felt like we were making a mockery out of ppl who were actually depressed and suicidal #I'm sorry for being so emotional about this piece. For trauma dumping. I'm also sorry if you're reading this. And sorry that I was scared.#I am okay I'm just really tired. Tired of being sick. Being sick makes me cry. I feel so useless. Like a lump.#I am curling up in embarrassment #dear diary #vent

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lovsome · 7 months

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>:(

#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts #SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work #and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh #and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material #he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s #even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my #barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then #this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a #horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get #/that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry #and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head #but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur #portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on #and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally #i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and #idk it made me feel really lonely #im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed #i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad

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rapha-reads · 8 months

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#i needed to share my disgust and anger at people i personally know #i have a now ex friend i've known for 7 years turn into a full zionist denying the genocide #my instagram story views have dropped from 50 to 10 since i started sharing about palestine #of the people i personally know that i follow on instagram only 2 people also share and shout - my sister who has been very vocal #about palestine for years and a german friend who overcame decades of german miseducation to educate himself #everyone else? nothing. not a single word.#no wait i'm fogetting my other french jewish acquaintance who's still saying 'we should cry for both israel and gaza' - sorry no #i'm so mad at the dozens of people that i call my friends who are not saying a thing not sharing a thing #and also not even asking me how i am. maybe it's selfish. but the only texts i receive are my phone network texts #(apart from my immediate family of course but i am talking about friends here)#(okay i went too fast - there's also my black american friend and my queer texan friend too - love you t and a)#anyway. this is just me ranting and venting out my anger and heartbreak and disappointment in my friends #not tagging this

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githling · 3 months

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#vent incoming #but oh my god im so sad lately! im so sad about everything #my internet is out and it's going to cost me $200 to reactivate it #can barely stand to look at myself lately without feeling disgusted #i have no pride or confidence in my art anymore #i sleep until 2-3pm each day and then get up and go straight to work and then come home and go right to bed #i have so many phone calls and appointments to make and i have to see my fucking family this month i feel sick #i am wallowing in a deep swampy pit of misery #and i just want to cry and cry and cry

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arcaneyouth · 8 months

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i havent seen a pansexual positivity post that doesn't focus on bisexuality in years.

#im really tired #negative #i miss when i wasnt bi lite. i miss existing in queer spaces.#ive seen posts about characters being PAN SPECIFICALLY PAN THEY ARE PAN and all the replies are like. bi king #i dont want to be bi. im not bi. i know theres functionally no difference but im NOT BI #i just saw a pan positivity post that ended with a bi flag and giving support to bi people #thanks. i feel so loved. and forgotten.#cant even find pan pride shit half the time when im out n about at queer shops #bi inclusionists will go We're equals with pan people i love pan people <3 #and still not fucking call us pan.#because we're just fucking bi i guess.#sorry got so pissed about this i started crying so its getting an angry tags rant post #vent post

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m3r0t · 3 months

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THIS IS BAD

THIS IS SO BAD

gahhh

i legit cannot tell if i am in fact falling in love

or my brain is acting up again

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fictionfreedom · 26 days

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Sometimes I remember we arent really seperated from our discord account and then remember we have (probably) anti friends(?) on that account and I get so fucking nervous. If you recognize us stfu please we just want to be normal sometimes PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. TEARS IN MY EYES RIGHT NOW IM SO STRESSED.

-Elias(he/they)

#profic #pro para #this is probably just paranoia but god im gonna cry if we get “called out”#Genuinely we just want to have 'normal' friends sometimes. but it also means we have to fear for ourself because we might get “outed”#even though we actively attempt to never directly conversate about our more “gross” opinions or stances when around these people #because we genuinely just want friends that we never have to talk about that stuff with #and its been like that for a while! But i am so deeply afraid that someone is gonna connect the dots #and we're gonna get called out and possibly attacked for something we actively attempt to never even vaguely bring up around them #its actually kind of scary?? because so many people have been doxxed for this type of shit and im so scared #but i also genuinely love being around these people and so does everyone else #and im afraid if we lose them that its going to be detrimental for our mental health #sorry this turned into a vent lmao???#vent warning #ig

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ichigosoju · 29 days

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🌷

#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted #i go all in if i love #but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him #but... they only lasted a month then they broke up #she left. and i get that she and i are different people #but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him #i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about #and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish #i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him #i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him #(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all #i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf #if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his #and him mine... that's so crazy to me #that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go #but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much #then im just crazy #and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all #bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him #im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that #so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry #sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him

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wiredsmi1e · 10 months

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.

#( vent tw but god i need to get out of my parents house ... i dont think i can handle this shit much longer- )#( being told i dont care about anyone when EVERYTHING I DO is for everyone else )#( being called a judgemental bitch who only cares about ppl i dont even know & now. )#( being told idk who i am outside of my relationship that must not be real or passionate just bc. )#( my bf & i arent fighting or unhappy with each other CONSTANTLY .... )#( i bend over BACKWARDS i do EVERYTHING I CAN & give up everything i have. )#( yet im ungrateful ; i dont care ; i only care about myselr & nothint is EVER ENOUGH. )#( im so .... so unhappy )#( i cant even cry anymore )#̗̀ ♡⃗ 𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔬𝔣 𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯 | abi speaks ♡⃗.˳⁺⁎#delete later #vent tw

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bittwitchy · 3 months

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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd #but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well #just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well #which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out #which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore #its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi #see the other thing is #if i talk about my mental health at all #people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint #or feel sorry for me which i also dont want #all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all #like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff #i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly #im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares #i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to #and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one #they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored #im losing my mind steadily #and thats not even onto the physical problems #but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying #‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket #if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your #fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces #sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues #but then i talk to other women and it is #it just doesnt make sense and i hate it #but i never rly got help on private insurance either so #tbd #depression cw

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crybaby-bkg · 10 months

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I fucking hate confrontation with a burning passion omg >:(

#like I don’t want it to build into resentment #but confronting someone is so fucking scary #bc I already know I might cry and they’re gonna call me too sensitive #and then my feelings are gonna be invalidated and dismissed #and it’s like why even work myself up confronting them when it’s gonna be the same as before??#idk I’m just not in a good place right now and I’m really struggling and I don’t have anyone to talk to #I just wanted to vent bc!!!!!! I’m tired of being made to feel like this!!!!!#and I feel like Iif I don’t let it out then I’ll explode #ugh I’m so tired and my eyes are so swollen from crying #I just wanna lay down man I don’t feel like doing any work today #this fucking sucks #—in store chit chat! 🍫#tw: vent

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glimpseofsanity · 9 months

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I'm genuinely so tired today.

#personal #crying out of frustration bc of my current situation #can't really work and today was a reminder of how bad my hand is rn #doing my portfolio again just to not being able to work bc of my health #I'm frustrated bc not even one place I've applied to work at has called me back or accepted me (non related with animation)#i have no money or food #today has been hard and my tiredness it's just the result of poor eating recently #tea has been my salvation #I'm just venting here bc it's painful to feel this bad over everything #feel like all my efforts are useless

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