#but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows

[ana-rends]

i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

[smoosnoom]

Lately I've been having a hard time writing anything. I keep having ideas that I think are good then I sike myself out and go "Oh, someone else has probably already written that," which is weird, cause I'd read 500 fics of the same ship in the same coffeeshop!au and not even bat an eye. I don't care if I've read the same trope or setting or idea over and over (I like it, actually) but when I'm the one writing I feel like I have to do something totally unique and I think it's cause I'm worried of being compared to other better writers who just... write better (<- exhibit A) OR worse, accidentally plagiarize someone? Like without remembering that, oh I've already read this before this isn't an original thought at all?? But if it's an idea that hasn't been done before there's nothing to compare. Right. So. Therapy session over.

Do you ever worry about writing something that's already been written? Do you ever check AO3 tags to see if somethings been done before/too much/not enough, etc.? Or are you excited to write something that's been done and put your own spin on it?

Maybe I should do the complete opposite and find the most overpopulated tag and write that so it gets drowned in the others and then there's too many to compare! That's like.. can't beat 'em join 'em or smthin. Yeah.

UUUGH MOOON I knooooow all my ideas are unoriginal but so is everyone else's 1!! And everyone's basic and just wants to see two losers in love hold hands so I should just get over it !! Like I know this objectively but how do I make me feel it SUBJECTIVELY !!

idk, Moon. Today's just not that day u kno

ok . anon . i need u to look me in my eyes 👁👁 and please listen carefully to what im abt to say to u .

Everything Ever Has Already Been Written .

like every trope ever and every idea ever and every dynamic ever and every character ever and everything literally ever .

but uknow what hasnt been written ! these tropes ! by You !!!!!!

the way u write it is what makes it entirely unique . i absolutely worry about the things i write and if theyre even like . special in their way at all or if they even stand out in any possible manner but if u arent word-for-word copying something someone else has written, then yes !!! it will stand out !!!!! itll be something special and unique because its never been written the way u will !!!! that is literally it

so yea if u are worrying so much about the things ur writing and if theyve already been written then yes probably ! humans can only be so imaginative when it comes to tropes and stories but the way u write it and ur narration and turn of phrases and metaphors and adjective and dialogue have never been written the way u will, and thats what makes it good and great and amazing ! thats why people eat up the same au five hundred times !!!!! thats why people will eat up UR writing !!!!! ur going to do it in a way that just gets people going Oh my go d . u know what i mean ?

so yes i worry and i check and i feel absolutely terrible about it . but if i dont and i just feel great about writing Something at alll then it always turns out 1000% better because im not upset abt it ! readers can sometimes tell ur enthusiasm and passion being put into a work, and i think its best if u let it all go and write what ur heart is calling to . that by itself will make it all the special u need it to be

or dont idk im just . trying my best and sometimes it works out ! do what u want write what makes u proud eat what makes u full !!!!! and if u ever need someone to just . hit u with a hammer and let uknow that whatever ur writing is great and fantastic then I Am Here !

today has potential to get better ! tomorrow is on its way with a new beginning !!! u have me cheering u on !!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 good luck !!!!!!!!!

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Hey just breathe. Itll be okay. Maybe you can ask a class friend for help with math or just do it tomorrow and say you did it if asked. School, especially math, is not a measure of your worth or intelligence. Its okay to be upset but just think in perspectives. Do you remember the glass and plastic ball thing from a while ago? Your mom may not understand, but you have to do what you can to take care of yourself and your mental health. Even if that means putting off school for a bit. Just breathe and take a break. Do something you enjoy for a little while until youre feeling better then go back to it. Im always here for you and there are plenty others there for you as well. I love you. itll be okay.

I’m trying. I’m going to my grandmas house after therapy tomorrow, but my parents will kill me bc they get notifications on all missing work. I’ve been raised to measure myself by grades and guilt tripped when I bring up the unfairness of it. I’m trying to keep this one plastic but everyone keeps switching it to glass when it’s in the air and I don’t know what to do. I try to take time off, have a mental health day, but they won’t allow it even when they say “health is more important than school”. I try and try and try and whenever I need a day to not stress about things that I can control and do later, they get upset and make me. It seems like all they want is a perfect kid who gets everything done because they could in years past. I got 2 Cs this semester and I know they’re disappointed. I know they’re upset at me. I don’t want to disappoint them but it seems like no matter what I always do.

I can’t wait to leave and start picking up the chips that have fallen off and repaint myself in brighter colors.

[cheaper-by-the-half-dozen]

Today wasnt as bad as my meltdowns made it look. It was overwhelmed by my exhaustion (less than 4 hours of sleep). Here is your recap: My trip to the airport was okay? I was exhausted but I drank a monster and got through with it. It was fun seeing the outskirts of a big city, I hated navigating the airport. To me DIA is much much easier. I cried after dropping Jeff off, almost the whole way home because love songs kept playing and I just miss him a lot. Already. Chloe downloaded a bunch of shit on Madi's profile for his computer and I didnt know it until 2 minutes before class and it wouldnt join the meeting because it was all fucking malware. I got it cleaned up enough to run the programs but not until I spent the first hour fighting with Max and a computer while Madi used mine. Crisis Averted.. Jeffrey is sitting quietly at his desk, I ask how its going and he informs me he hasnt been able to get in and he didnt want to tell me. So I pause and let Max make faces and get him in. Crisis Averted. Finn pulls his shit together and does his therapy with Chloe. Crisis Averted. After lunch JJ's computer starts doing what Madi was and I had to give him my computer, I still havent been able to fix it, itll be fixed sometime tomorrow. I am not sure when I have a disability phone appointment during lunch that I will need my computer for so hopefully before that. Crisis maybe? Averted Max starts losing his mind 30 minutes after lunch. Whatever they can deal with it. I had my shit way more together than many of the parents on the call (no judgement to them at all, just reminding myself to not be so hard on myself). Finn falls down a stair and likely broke his toe. I gave him an ibuprofen and he says hes better so maybe its not broken. IDK. I am not exposing him for a possible broken toe. I dont care. No crisis yet. Max lost his shit after swimming not wanting to come in, to the point where he was trying to jump in the pool with no life vest on. It was a shit show, and my new neighbor saw it all and was still nice to me. No Crisis. I mean yall I made it through today. I am tired but it wasnt a crisis. https://www.instagram.com/p/CES0QfmpRkW/?igshid=khbzks8fso68

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/7/19 11:36pm

it’s sunday night. i have therapy tomorrow, finally. im going over what i want to say.

but first i was daydreaming about what spencer’s therapy would be like. if years from now i could meet him again and sit in on therapy with him, what i would tell his therapist about our relationship. how closed off he was, how much i worried. i worried more about him than any other partner. the self medicating, the bad choices, the bad friends, the trauma, the undealt with feelings.

i could never be with someone that closed off again.

but then i think about the good times, and the beginning, and i crumble again. it wasn’t just the idea of a relationship, because the relationship itself kinda sucked.. it was about him. how much i cared about him and wanted him.

but here we are.

sometimes i miss you but then i remember that i deserve much better

maybe my next tattoo should be like “deserving” or “enough”.. i dont want to just be enough tho, ya know? enough for me, or anyone else.

when’s it my turn to find that one, like the one the one. like my brother has, and many of my friends have.. like my dad has, now..

thats something i need to address in therapy.

breakup, dad cheating.

apparently my brother is still processing and doesnt want to speak to my dad. im in the same boat. he doesnt know that i know yet. 

man my cough has gotten terrible. breakups suck, but it sucks harder when you dont sleep for 3 days straight and get sick. also doesnt help to know a huge family secret that you cant really tell anyone about, not in the family. im like not allowed to process this with my dad, so i cant see him and im upset but he’s beating down my door to see me cuz i got dumped and i dont know how many other ways i can swerve him.

an hour is really not enough time to get all this shit out in the open. but itll have to do. then we ask my therapist if she will actually have availability or if i need to go find a new one. which will suck, because i love michele, but i need therapy. i need to be talking to someone, preferably once a week, and if she cant do it then someone else will. we’ll see what she says.

therapy is at noon tomorrow. my mom will wake me up, since i dont have my phone, because everytime i look at it, im disappointed. cuz either someone texted me or no one texted me, or people are off living life or being happy and im just.. stuck.

also, his sister unfollowed me. so thats super. that made me feel so shitty. his sister is still following his other ex girlfriend, but unfollowed me. so i can only imagine what hes said to them.. or not said? he doesnt say much

we’re still not talking. i really want to talk to him because i just want to know. i just want to hear that he’s upset. i just want to hear that its hard for him, but in reality its probably not because he got to process it before it happened. he got to be ready. he got to think it over and over. im the one who got blindsided, so clearly ive got more shit coming up as the days go by.

sometimes i miss you but then i remember that i deserve much better

it doesnt even matter that she unfollowed me, i mean shit happens, why would she want to see my dumb posts now that theres no connection. but she still follows shauna which makes me feel so fucking small. but anyway, it shouldnt matter. but seeing that really hurt. soon it’ll be his mom too, then his friends. meanwhile, spencer never followed any of my family, soo.. thats cool. 

i imagine telling my therapist about how much i worried about him and how much i worried about his health and his heart and his lungs for fuck sake. 

sometimes i would worry so much that i would talk to his dad. i know that sounds crazy, but there were times that i felt like he was around. anytime i walked towards the stairs to go see spencer, the lights would flicker a little, but if i was going to class or anything else, they wouldnt. 

there were times i would tell his dad that i was worried. or that i cared about his son so much. or that i would do anything to protect him. or that i was trying to take care of him. 

the night he drank too much from the alpha party and he stayed in my room after throwing up until 5am, i remember him sleeping in my bed and me rubbing his back and then feeling that there was some kind of presence and i just was like, acknowledging it. as like a yep, i got him.

im always going to worry that his friends dont got him. but i guess its not my job anymore, or at least i wont be there when he needs me. i worry about him so much.

if i did text him and ask how he was, i bet you he would say fine. he would say something about it being hard, for my benefit, and then say he’s okay. because he’s just perpetually okay. 

i wish i could just be okay. i wish i could shove everything down and not feel any of this shit and just be fine. but i’ve been in therapy since i was 14, and i need to feel every inch of an emotion before i can settle it. ive been this way for a while.

we’re just, really, really different. and thats kinda the end of the story. the story only keeps going because i wasnt done yet. i was looking forward to things and excited to see him and spend time together. i was in it, i was committed.

i cant really stomach thinking about this anymore, im gunna go watch netflix.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”. 

[sparklyeaglepoetry-blog]

What is the best insurance company for my situation?

"What is the best insurance company for my situation?

I am 19, never had a driver's license or permit. I don't own a car, and the DMV says that I must have car insurance before I can get a driver's license. I live in NC and I am clueless. The insurance companies keep saying that I need to have a car, but I can't buy a car without a drivers' license and insurance.  What to do?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Hi, Does Non Clam Discount earned on motorbike insurance work will work for a futher car insurance? I'm a fresh young driver with no NCD and the first price for a car insurance is 6500 a year, so I can't really own a car with this rate... Is it possible to insure a motorbike (around 600) for like 2-3 years and then used this 2 or 3 years NCD to have the discounts on a car insurance? It could make me save a lot of money if it is possible!""

Why is barebones insurance for me going to be...?

...$150 a month for a 1985 gmc s15 4x4, valued at approx. $200 with the very basic coverage, liability only type thing. i have a 2002 chevy s10 2wd and its only $350 a month with total coverage. what the heck?! im 18, have a couple traffic violations but nothing serious (22km/h over the limit and an amended stunting ticket), i live on my own, have a steady job, and am looking for something that i can get stuck in the mud and dont give a crap about. any one know where i can go to get really cheap insurance for this? i live in alberta so it limits my choices a little from the world wide options. thanks everybody""

Affordable Health Care Who is really paying for it?

32 Million in the US uninsured. Pre ACA, the uninsured would show up in the ER, get whatever treatment they could then leave, most of them not paying the bill. The hospital prices ...show more""

People who can't afford health insurance are quacks?

i see the merits of having universal health care, kind of, but it seems to me that the problem is a lot of middle class citizens who just decide nto to purchase health insurance on the premise that they cannot afford it , and instead opt to buy material goods that are solely for luxury. you cant go out and buy nice cars and houses and bypass health insurance and then cry it off that the government should give free care to everryone.......i definitely agree it should be cheaper for the poor etc. bottom line: ppl need to realize health is the most important thing in there life, and satisfy that need, before thinking about personal possesions (nice cars etc)""

Best cars fopr cheap car insurance!?

HI! im 17 and currently learning how to drive! i was going 2 be put down as a named driver on one of my parents cars when i had passed but the insurance cost is insanely expensive! so my parents r going 2 buy a new car with a lower insurance cost, but we have no idea which one would be cheap for me on the insurance?! if anyone knows of any cars which would be cheap for a new driver please help! thanks! .X""

What options of affordable health insurance a couple in the mid 30's have in Texas.?

What options of affordable health insurance a couple in the mid 30's have in Texas.?

How much is my car insurance going to cost a month?!?

I'm turning 16 and my parents said I could get any car I want, but they won't do it if the insurance is crazy. I really want a 2015 BMW Z4 sDrive35i. I have a feeling that the insurance for a first year driver for a sports car (and convertible) is going to be sky high! I don't want a quote from State Farm or anything, I'm just trying to price it out. Any ideas? Help! Thanks!""

How much is car insurance?

I know it depends on a lot of things, but whenever I mention me getting my license, they have the same excuse over and over... So what's an idealistic amount for a young teen w/ 3.0+gpa and a sports car be? In california.""

Why does insurance go up ?

I understand if I have been in an accident that my I may pay more insurance because its in my record. My question is .. if I buy a car that has record of having an accident does that make the insurance higher?

How much home insurance & tax for a cheap studio?

I know 0 about this: are home insurance rates annual or monthly? Could someone give me just a very rough idea about how much a cheap studio's home insurance & tax would cost? (in ...mostrar ms

What is the best insurance company for my situation?

I am 19, never had a driver's license or permit. I don't own a car, and the DMV says that I must have car insurance before I can get a driver's license. I live in NC and I am clueless. The insurance companies keep saying that I need to have a car, but I can't buy a car without a drivers' license and insurance.  What to do?

Do I need car insurance in Florida?

I passed my 4 our class on drugs and alcohol. I'm waiting for my certificate to come in the mail so I can go to the DMV and get my learners permit. Do I need insurance even though I'm not going to be driving my own car? I'll be driving my friends car. Sources? What's the cheapest insurance for a 16 year old male? Name of insurance and cost? Why would I need it if I don't even have a car and I'm driving my friends car?

""What kind of life insurance is better for me, term insurance or permanent insurance?""

Is there any advantage to permanent insurance over term insurance or vis versa? I mean, basically it looks like term is the better deal because I can buy more death benefit for a lot less money, but permanent insurance gives me money with a death benefit. I'm in my late 40's, have a wife and 2 kids, normal bills, mortgage, etc. Does anyone have any opinions about what is really the better deal long term?""

Will my insurance rate go up??PLZ HELP:(?

I was parked in front of a kroger at the parking lot ...I came out of the store and saw that my cars been hit! Its an 07 mustang gt i took it for an etimate it has damages worth 1300 I have full coverage insurance with a 500 dollar deductable I pay 110 a month for insurance I live in Michigan..will my rate go up? I mean i wasnt in the car i came out and it was hit?Also I have only one claim with my truck thats it and a perfect driving record no points ever.

My sister insurance covering my brother car but she wants to cancel?

She is cancelling her insurance for a lower rate with a new company and he wants to have the car insured in his name. The car is registered in his name. How would they go about this? can she say she no longer wants to insure the car?

Homeowners insurance not renewed?

any insurance underwriters out there....our dog bit an adult neighbor who entered our yard...medical claim filed....agent tells us we wont be renewed....is this typical.....

What happens if I'm driving someone else's car and it doesnt have insurance?

I have insurance but the car I was in doesn't. Is there a way out of this?

Is having the minimum state car insurance a good idea?

i am a 23 year old college student in california with one point on my record. i have a 99 civic which i bought for 6k paid in full. I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER ASSETS. i recently looked around for car insurance and realized, cant i just get the minimum state requirements for car insurance? if i hit someone, they cant sue me because i dont own anything besides my car, right? would they be able to go after my parents assets? i still live with them. they didnt help pay for my car.""

Didn't Obama claim his health care law would lower insurance rates?

Obama made that claim again and again while trying to pass Obamacare. So now that Obamacare is the law of the land, why are medical insurance rates still going up when Obama claimed that would not happen?""

Car insurance for first time drivers?

im 18 and looking to buy a car soon, i need to know what i should expect to be paying monthly for car insurance.""

How is the Mitsubishi Lancer GTS classified by most insurance companies?

I've been researching insurance quotes in preparation for buying a new (used) car, mainly for various sporty compact sedans. When I got to the 2010 Mitsu Lancer GTS, I was pretty appalled at how much higher the quote was than the others, like the Subaru Impreza and Mazda3 Sport, despite having extremely similar horsepower, speed, safety features and crash test ratings. Is it considered a sports car or something? Does it get lumped in with the uber-expensive Evo because of the word Lancer ?""

Looking for health insurance that covers IVF?

I am seeking health insurance that covers infertility treatment in the State of Md. Maryland is a mandated state for IVF coverage but I am not sure how it works with regard to individual policies. I know that if is not excluded from the policy that they would be required to cover it. Does anyone know how to get a reasonably priced individual policy that may cover IVF treatment??

Home loan insurance plan v/s life insurance plan?

how the home loan insurance plan is better/worse than the life insurance plan ? I am to buy a house in india, and can't decide which insurance to go for.. a home loan insurance or a life insurance..""

How much would it cost to add a Mustang GT under my parents current policy? Would it go up alot?

They currently pay I think its 125-140 dollars monthly for insurance on a 4 door 2003 buick century. So my question is, would it go up alot if I were to buy a GT myself and have them add it to their policy and add myself to it? How much do you think it would go up? BTW i'm talking about a 1987-93 mustang GT. Or chances of a 99. I dont want it to somewhat be fancy or nothing. It could have high mileage. I plan on buying one for around 1-4 grand. Yes the mileage would probably be high, but hell mustangs are cool and it would be my first car :P BTW I'm getting my license when I turn 18. I turn 17 in 2 months. I want to get a job now and start saving up.""

Kit car insurance at 17?

Watching an old top gear episode where they showed an mr2 (love em) converted into a ferrari, something like a 430, they said that his premium decreased. I called up an insurance company today, im 17, looking to buy a toyota starlet and transfer all the panels from a glanza v onto the starlet but nothing from the engine bay, so it would be classified as a kit car? but no where near as high risk as not having better performance parts or the turbo added. The end result was me spending ages on the phone and them saying they wouldnt insure me, even though it is a kit car and no performance parts, please please please... can someone with better knowledge clarify why they would decline me when it should make it cheaper!! Ty Jordan""

How long before insurance goes down?

I know teenage insurance is really high so when does it finally go down? After an accident ur insurance goes up, how long will it take for it to go back down?""

Cheap car insurance with 1 conviction and 1 claim?

I'm looking to renew my car insurance with myself (26) and my partner (24)on the policy. Since last year we have got one claim and one conviction between us so our current insurer is doubling our annual premium!! Does anyone know any companys that give a decent quote for people with claims etc

Insurance for a (2001/Y) Peugeot 206 first time buyer (17+)?

Im soon to buy a new car, and the most recent car i have been looking at has been (2001/Y) Peugeot 206, im just interested on how much the insurance will be - noting that i am a first time car buyer aged at 17, im guerssing this will dramatically raise the price ( i am nearly 18 if that changes things) any ideas on the cost of the insurance ? :)""

Will changing my Irish driving licence over to the UK greatly decrease my car insurance quotes?

I graduated from university last June and have since began working in England. I'm looking to get a car now but I'm finding that insurance quotes are quite high. I'm 26, male and have had my licence for 5 years, yet I'm being quoted in the range of 1,300-1,800 (for a Ford Mondeo 1.8 or a Peugeot 206 1.1). Any advice would be greatly appreciated.""

Should I change Insurance carriers?

Located in Ontario, Canada. Currently with The Personal Insurance Company. My friend got in an at fault accident while she was driving my car. Her husband said he would take of it on his insurance. He never did, they are now divorced and there is no way he is taking responsiblity for it. Result, my insurance went up $80.00 per month. This was five years ago. Recently, I moved to a new location and I have to park on the street, because of this my insurance will go up $30.00 a month. So now I have to pay $230/month. I have been driving and with the same company for over 25 years but they won't give me a break. Should I change companies, any suggestions? Thanks""

Who does cheap moped insurance in the uk?

im 16 and just got a moped, im just looking for my cheapest option. any suggestions?""

Car Insurance Payout?

I have a car in Ireland, it was stolen the other night. But I am working in the US at the moment. My car is fully insured, but because it was left in the driveway of my girlfriend, will there be a problem getting a payout. It is worth about 5000 euros, how much should i expect to get??? Thanks!""

Need cheap health insurance for my family....?

Im unemployed and currently receiving unemployment. I need leads or info on cheap or affordable health insurance for my 3 children and I. I live in Dallas, Texas if that helps or makes any difference.""

""Lets be honest, will a 2000 mustang gt run a 17 year old over 150 per month on insurance?""

State or no state, tennessee. Will it run in 200's or more? Just need to know before i go looking. Don't give me your opinion, i get it has horses and can kick, im not looking for a preacher to praise down on me. thanks""

On an estimate how much does car insurance cost?

On an estimate how much does car insurance cost?

'occasional driver' Car insurance?

Hi, I'm 18 and I'll be heading off to college in the fall and so won't be home very often. However when I am home I'd like to be insured on my dads car. I don't see the point in having to pay the same price for car insurance as someone who drives almost daily, so I wanted to know if there was a type of car insurance for the 'occasional' driver. I'll only be home on vacations, and even then I won't be driving all the time, but I really need a car insurance for when I do drive, mostly summers.""

What is the best insurance company for my situation?

I am 19, never had a driver's license or permit. I don't own a car, and the DMV says that I must have car insurance before I can get a driver's license. I live in NC and I am clueless. The insurance companies keep saying that I need to have a car, but I can't buy a car without a drivers' license and insurance.  What to do?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/health-insurance-company-ohio-richard-castillo/"

[mollydollyjournals]

I see a lot of posts about BPD mood swings being like 'I was crying but now I'm suddenly fine' but I swear for me it's basically always the other way round. My 'suddenly fine' only really happens overnight or maybe over a few hours. In those cases I feel guilty and like I faked the sad mood or something, or like itll at least look like that. I want to talk to people and stuff but I'm worried itll look like I was never really that upset because now I fine, when that's not it I just have a shitty brain that malfunctions all the time.

Usually it's more like I'm doing stuff and I'm fine and then suddenly I feel really sad or anxious and I dont know how to get back to feeling okay. I'm feeling that creep up on me now. Maybe because it's the end of the day and I know I have to sleep at some point. It's currently coming up to 10pm - I dont really know when I'll be going to sleep, but any time from now. Especially given how much I've been sleeping recently. But I know that I sleep badly without a drink these days. I need to either be drunk and distracted until I wear myself out, or too hungover to stay awake, otherwise sleeping just feels weird.

I want to be happy about not drinking today. When I've been struggling with it a lot recently and really needed to get through today. I wish I could feel happy that I managed it. But instead I just feel kind of...gray. I guess this is where I feel like I need external validation. Theres no grand reward for doing basic self care like this. You dont get to the end of the day and suddenly feel great, or reach a sober milestone and level up or something. You just get more withdrawal symptoms, even ones you thought you were past, and you know you have to just keep doing this over and over and over.

I want to be able to tell myself I can drink tomorrow. I guess maybe I could, itd still mean I had 2 days off which is better than I've been managing recently. But I definitely shouldnt. Whatever it is that's making me sick, alcohol will make it worse. Itll make my stomach hurt. Itll mess with water retention. Etc etc etc. Its just so daunting knowing I have to do this again, and then again, and then again, and then again, and not really get a break. That's why I've never said I'm going totally alcohol free. I have to feel like I can get a break from trying eventually, and that it's not the end of the world if i slip up. Any time I've tried to say never again to anything, I've immediately fucked up. Just doesnt work for me.

But I still struggle so much just to get through small blocks of time... I hate it. I feel so weak. I'm sure that at least part of this is from withdrawal because I've got used to drinking more often recently, so it would help if I had a small amount to ease that. But I always have more. Sometimes I can manage it, but apparently not right now. I wish I could check myself in somewhere and have it all planned out and taken care of. Daily therapy for underlying issues. Things to do to stay busy and for self improvement. Support for difficult moments. Structure and limits for alcohol itself. I cant hold onto myself.