#incorrect superman

[shadow-coolness]

*After seeing how close Jimmy and Kara are*

Clark: Hey…Dont bang me cousin.

Jimmy slightly disappointed: oh.

Kara kisses him: He might.

Jimmy: OH!

Clark: But dont.

Jimmy very disappointed: oh.

[lithiumseven]

Clark: This will give you the time to examine and process what you’re going through emotionally

Bruce: I don’t like it

Clark: Really? I love feeling feelings

Bruce: …

[enby-mori]

Kon: Am I cool or what?

Jon: What.

Kon: I said, am I cool or—

Jon: Yeah, I heard you.

[incorrectbatfamandfriends]

Bruce: How can you afford this on a reporters salary?

Clark: Oh Lex owes me child support.

Bruce: What?

Clark: Yeah, any damage Kon causes as superboy I mark as “after school activities.”

[secretidentie]

*Brucie Wayne on a tangent during an interview*: .... without dick there's very little to live for yk.

Interviewer: ....you mean your son?

Bruce : ........sure

[theendlessnessofbeingme]

At a justice league meeting discussing a major threat and if they should tell the public

Bruce: We don’t want to be causing an international crisis. I suggest we keep this information to only a select few individuals outside this room

At the Batcave

Bruce: News flash, we’re screwed

Jason: I knew it! I told you all that those lights weren’t just a league training gone wrong!

[tiger-grace]

Superman: I haven’t seen you at the watchtower for a while. Where have you been the last few weeks, Batman?

Bruce: Rehab.

Superman, worriedly: Oh, I’m so sorry- I never knew you struggled with that. If you don’t mind me asking, what for?

Bruce, grimacing as he watches public footage of Signal and Red Hood starting a dumpster fire out of Pro-Joker merch: ..adoption.

[iwannabealice]

clark: i met this boy last night that seemed to really hate you

bruce: that could be anyone, what did he look like?

clark: tall, white, dark hair, really big-

bruce: ah, that’d be jason. my son

[headcanonthings]

Dick: I think a magical girl transformation would fix me. Jason: I think killing a titan would fix me. Tim: You want to be isekai'd so bad you look stupid. Clark: What are these words? Bruce: Don't ask.

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Clark (as a reporter): Mr. Wayne, have you ever thought of having more children?

Bruce: You mean, adopting?

Clark: Adopting. Abducting. However you got the last four.

Bruce: …

[vodrae]

Villain swaps Bruce and Clark minds.

Bruce: I get the "man of steel" now. *Punches villain*

Clark: Why...Why...WHY ARE YOU SO MUCH IN PAIN ?!

Bruce: What do you mean ? I took a 12 hours break yesterday, I'm as fresh as a newborn.

[shadow-coolness]

Lor: This is a parody, official release, support DC Comics!

[Cut to a space ship landing near a farmer's home]

Farmer: You're an alien!

Halk: I'm an alien.

Batman: Am I an alien?

Halk: doubtful. Where's my brother?

Batman: I don't know.

Halk: Then you're useless to me! [flies away]

[Super Souls!]

[cut to Clark and friends on the beach]

Clark: I have a kid!

Jon: I'm socially awkward.

Jimmy: He's adorable!

[Jimmy gets bitched m through the Kent House and the owned counter goes off the scale]

Halk: I'm here for my brother!

Clark: Am I your brother?

Halk: Yes!

[Shookness ensues]

Halk: I'm taking your son.

Clark: No, you're not! [gets Kneed] Ah, he took my son!

Batman: I'm here to help you.

Clark: Aren't we enemies?

Batman: Nobody read Pre-Crisis. Let's go!

Clark: Are you insane?

Batman suddenly in a straightjacket: Hells yeah!

[they catch up with Halk]

Clark: Gimme back my son!

*Unzipping noises*

Clark: Gross.

Booster Gold: HA HA!

[one battle later Clark has Halk in a full-nelson]

Clark: Batman! Get him!

Batman: Convenient Kryptonite Spear!!

[the spear pierces the brothers]

Announcer: DOUBLE KILL!

Clark: And now I am the dead bleh.

Jimmy: Oh, no! Clark’s dead!

Lor [through the transmitter]: Hey, Non, let's go to Earth.

Non [through the transmitter]: Ballin'.

Jimmy: Oh, no! More Kyrptonians!

Batman: I'm taking Jon! [flies off with Jon]

[cut to Wild Cat]

WC: Hi, maggots. I'm training you. I'm old and overly violent, but I'll never say it flat-out.... BA!

Jimmy: AH!

[cut to Batman teaching Jon]

Batman: DODGE! [kicks Jon]

[cut to Clark in the afterlife]

Cutlass: YARRRG!

Clark: Who are you?

Spectre: Im the Spectre. You now know the KryptoKen and the Solar Bomb. Fuck off, Shut up Cutlass.

[cut to Batman and Jon]

Batman: 12 months have passed! Let's go fight Kryptonians!

Jimmy: Oh, God, it's the Kryptonians!

Lor: Hi.

Jimmy: Ambush's here!

[explosion]

Jimmy: Ambush’s dead!

Lor: Non, get 'em!

Non: I am hilarious and you will quote EVERYTHING I say.

Jimmy: Steel, get 'em!

Steel: I am the only serious character in this comic. That is the joke.

[everyone except Jimmy and Jon get wrecked]

Jimmy: Oh, God! Everyone's dead!

Non: Hilariously derailing one-liner.

Superman: Supe's here!

Jimmy: Clarks here!

Lor: It's over nine thousaaa---

Non: AHHHH--

Lor: aaaaaaa-----

Non: AHHHH---

Lor: aaaaaaaa--

Non: AAAHHH---

*They continue screaming until Lor kills Non*

Non: LOR, WHY!?

Lor: Because I'm a lizard!

[Lor transforms into a giant lizard monster]

Clark: Kyrpto-Ken!

Lor: Kyrpto wha-?

[gets his tail cut off and reverts back to normal]

Lor: Oh, no! I'm not a lizard! OH, NO! The kid's a lizard! FLAMEBIRD FINISH!

Jimmy: The FUCK?!

[Lor cuts off Jons tail]

Lor: Yay! [the giant lizard body of Jon falls on him] No!

[Lor gets crushed]

Lor: ...Leaving now. [takes off in a space ship]

Superman: And we'll never see him again!

Lor [in space]: They'll see me in the next issue.

[Ghost Non pops up]

Ghost Non: And I'M a ghost.... Or AM I?

[SUPER SOOOOOOOOOO-]

[Cut to Peter Parker who was reading this]

Peter: .... This has HOW MANY readers?

[superbat-love]

Clark: Bruuuce, would you still like me if I were an alien?

Bruce: You are an alien, Clark. You’re also high on painkillers.

Clark: You’re so meaaan. You don’t see me as human!

Bruce: That’s because you’re not human.

Clark: Now that’s just cruel.

Bruce: [sighs] But you’re also more human than any human I’ve ever met, Clark. You’re better than any of us.

Clark: [sniffling] Thanks. You know that I’d still like you if you’re an alien, right?

Bruce: Hn, that’s good to know, Clark.

Clark: [mumbles Kryptonian endearments]

Bruce: …Clark, would you still like me if I were a bat?

[wondersinwaynemanor]

that time when Bruce suggested to his sons to invite Wally, Roy, Conner and Jonathan for dinner in the Manor, he saw how happy his sons were. sure, the table was a bit choaitc as different kinds of energy filled the room, but he didn't mind.

when he saw Dick's radiant smile and Damian's blushing face, and heard Jason's hearty laugh and Tim's soft giggle, he knew he didn't want his sons to be heartbroken ever again.

so he had an idea.

---

when The Justice League ends their meeting at the Watchtower, Batman asks for The Flash, Green Arrow and Superman to stay behind.

Superman: Something wrong, Batman?

Batman narrowed his eyes on the three League members as if he is analyzing them deeply.

Flash, gulps: Um, Bats. I know we've been a Team for years now, but your stare still kinda scares me....

Green Arrow, snorts: Oh dear, old, Spooky. Tell us-

Batman: You do know that I have contingency plans for each of you, right?

Flahs gulps again, Superman nods and Green Arrow rolls his eyes, although they remain silent.

Flash, horrified: Oh no, what did we do wrong? What did I do, Bats?

Superman starts to touch Batman by the shoulder, but Batman steps back.

Batman: They're great, so I know you're raising those kids right.

Batman, walks towards the exit: Because if my sons get hurt, I'm taking the actions to you.

and they finally understood.

Green Arrow: Oh.

Superman, smiles: Aw, don't worry, Batman. My boys are well-raised and behaved. They got it from their mama.

Green Arrow: Spooky, Roy is a father now. He and Jason are taking care of Lian, so they're locked for life. Plus, he knows he doesn't want to get on The Red Hood and Batman's bad sides.

Flash: Wally would never hurt Dick. He's got a crush on him since they were kids.

Batman, pats his utility belt: Contingency plans. Never forget.

he finally leaves the room.

the room is quiet, you can hear a pin drop on the floor even if you're not a super.

Green Arrow, speaks first: Doesn't he just use those plans when we've gone off the rails, or something like that?

Superman: Well, it's his sons' happiness we are talking about here.

Flash, releases a shaky breath: Damn it. I'm calling Wally.

Green Arrow: Oh fu- I barely know where Roy is these days.

Superman, already ahead of the two: See you both!

he's already flying out the room, already concentrating on finding both of his sons.

[incorrectbatfamandfriends]

Bruce: Why are you two fighting?

Damian: Kent keeps insisting I’m a clone.

Clark: Jon now that’s not very nice.

Jon: But it’s true. He was made the same Connor was, and everyone calls him a clone.

Clark: Well it’s different-

Jon: How?

Bruce: Yeah Clark, how?

*Outside, ten minutes later, as Bruce and Clark argue*

Tim: This was the best idea we’ve ever had.

Kon: Totally.

Damian: Tt, I believe we are owed payment?

[waterfire1848]

Clark: Wait. The kids already told you this?? Bruce: What?! The kids say insane stuff all the time! How was I supposed to know this one was true?! Tim, who hasn't slept in three days: Bank accounts are a scam created by the shadow government. Bruce: See?!?!