#incorrect dc universe quotes

[arguablysomaya]

Tim (about Kon): I can fix him.

Cassie: You are literally worse.

[lovesick-joey]

the people wanted more youtube worldbuilding ^^

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[ffaelix]

Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

[timmydraker]

Tim, finally able to go sleep after solving a rough case: Alright, line up.

Cassie, Bart and Kon: *all line up and stand at attention*

Tim: When I say don’t add to the population, I mean…?

Cassie, Bart and Kon in unison: Do not get pregnant, get someone else pregnant, clone someone, give a robot or Artificial Intelligence a consciousness or mess with the time stream and accidently increase fertility rates again.

Tim, nodding in approval: And when I say don’t remove from the population…?

Cassie, Bart and Kon: Don’t kill anyone or thing that has a soul or consciousness directly or inadvertently unless through the legal system or if it’s a genuine accident, in which it is not our fault.

Tim, rubbing his eyes tiredly and yawning: If you’re going to leave the planet or time period?

Cassie, Bart and Kon: Tell you or a trusted adult.

Tim: and who is a trusted adult?

Cassie, Bart and Kon: WonderWoman, Superman, Oracle, and Batman between 1 am to 11 pm only.

Tim: good job, gold stars all round.

Cassie, Bart and Kon: YES!

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Bruce, High on pain killers: I hate to tell you this, but one of you is adopted

The Batfam: …

Dick: .. only one?

[myimaginarymary]

Sometime in Gotham:

Jason Todd [on the phone]: How did the Joker die?

Damian Wayne [on the phone]: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Damian, I think you’re confused. I’m asking about the Joker.

Damian Wayne: Cats ate his face.

Jason Todd: Look, would you just put Dick or Tim on the phone?

Dick Grayson: Hello?

Jason Todd: Dick, what happened to the Joker?

Dick Grayson: Cats ate his face. Here, Damian knows more about it than I do.

(Source: Malcolm in the Middle)

[daemonmage]

Bruce about to reveal his identity to the JL

Bruce: “I’m going to do something that may traumatize two of you. I am not sorry.”

Oliver: “oh come on Batman your identity isn’t that special.”

Bruce going full whiny play boy: “Dinah! Ollie is being mean to me!!!”

Oliver: blue screens

Dinah: “YOU BITCH!?”

[iwannabealice]

jason: i think we should get a divorce

steph: what are you doing?

jason: just practicing

steph: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

jason: i don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis

steph: you don't even have a girlfriend

jason: hypothetically divorce me

steph: okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets

jason: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup

jason, to duke: it's called a prenup, right?

duke: yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one

steph: who the fuck is this guy?

duke: i'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case

steph: well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids

steph, to tim: right? we can get those, right?

tim: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it

jason: who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot? a hella fucking nerd idiot

tim: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity because i look like the other lawyer

steph: this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other

jason: how could you hypothetically do this to me?!

steph: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Robin, pointing at the newly established Nightwing: Aren’t ya gonna do something about him?

Nightwing, full dicowing glory:

Robin: Ya look like you’re goin’ to a shitty disco to get all kinds of fucked up diseases.

Nightwing: Awww thank you little wing.

Robin: That wasn’t a compliment.

Batman: Be nice to your brother.

Robin, eyebrow raised: So ya approve?

Batman, thinking back to the time he tried to convince 9-year-old Robin into a pair of pants: I’ll give you $300 if you can get him to change it.

Jason: Deal.

[the-fyre-flie]

Every member of the batfamily owns a shitty old Nokia phone.

They all dropped their much more expensive modern-day phones from a few stories up mid Vigilante-ing at least once and now they're no longer allowed to have their Good Phones on their person during crime fighting.

At least one thug has been domed in the back of the head by a Nokia lol

[sodamnbored]

New parent Bruce at two in the morning: Why aren’t you in bed?

9-year-old Dick, sitting at the table eating ice cream: Because I’m in the kitchen.

Bruce tiredly, digging out some coffee: And why are you in the kitchen?

Dick: Because it’s where the ice cream is.

[arguablysomaya]

tim: fuck u all for having fun rn while i have to go to work kon: where do u work?? tim: bruce's company bart: nepotism tim: oh i've got that cassie: nepotism? tim: something tism cassie: oh im sure you do pal

[lovesick-joey]

youtube content in the dc universe

sequel

[ffaelix]

Tim: groggily waking up at 2 a.m. Why are you in my room?

Dick: I had a nightmare.

Tim: So you woke me up?

Dick: No, I woke you up because I brought cookies. holds up plate Want one?

Tim: …Yeah, okay.

[timmydraker]

Bruce, knowing Tim went out as RR when he was meant to be benched: do you have something to tell me, chum?

Tim, half asleep and drooling in his tea: sometimes Cassie and Kon make me curl into a ball and then use me as a baseball to play catch with while Bart stands in the middle and tries to catch me first.

Bruce: ….

Bruce: what.

Tim: they call me ‘piggy in the middle’

Bruce: …

Tim: somehow Bart never catches me but I think it’s only because he’s laughing so much.

Bruce, completely forgetting about Tim patrolling: I… I don’t know what to do with this information.

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Duke in the back of the Batmobile covered in paint: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Dick, in passenger seat as oldest rules staring absentmindedly out the window: They do.

Bruce, side eye in the cowl hits different: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Edit: now with a fanfic