#idk. very specific problem to have
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had a character development moment today where I realized maybe I simply do not have a healthy relationship to classical music anymore
#i always felt terrible about 'losing interest' but it never felt right to say that#partially as a music student but partially because i *love* classical music I always have and I still do#so perhaps it's not that i've lost interest#for lack of a better term i just can't be normal about it anymore#it just. exhausts me#like i wish i could just turn the analysis brain off even for a moment#and just enjoy it#but it's ironic because the analysis brain is a result of the fact that i love it so much#idk. i just want to be able to listen without it feeling like it has to be a source of self-improvement.#without it feeling like an educational endeavor every single time#i love learning about it but if you turn every single interaction you have with a thing into a learning interaction#it does kind of eat away at the fun you have with it if you're not careful#because at a certain point you stop thinking about what you enjoy about it and what you love about it#in favor of what you can glean from it#and like. if you just think about that out of context. that's not a healthy form of love#idk. ironically enough maybe i need to not immediately jump to the score videos#i think i need to just listen to things again#like I don't actually Need to know how they work immediately. that information is going to be there regardless#i can just. try to listen again#idk. very specific problem to have#the things you go through when you spend your life so intensely steeped in one art form#i would be more normal about it if i was less intimate with it in a way. it's a double edged sword#because at least i know it's this thing i carry with me so deeply and so permanently#this thing that has ingrained itself into my very being and the way i think#it's as dangerous as it is wonderful#i just wish i could wield it better#anyway.#composerposting#mine
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i'm going to scream i got accused of being a transmisogynist by someone on twitter because of this specific part of my t4t steddie art
#ramble#the thing is 99.9% of people thought it was VERY funny#i've had 1 person genuinely have a problem with it and it was because i kept eddie transmasc#basically they were upset because i didn't make them both transfemme bc i just. didn't want to#twitter hasn't learned that not everything is for you and if you don't like something you don't have to interact with it#and just because you don't like something that doesn't mean it's Bad#and also sometimes queer things aren't made to be understood by everyone#it was specifically because they thought it made them into 'just another straight couple'#as if that isn't a MASSIVE erasure of trans people's queerness#trans people in m/f relationships doesn't make them any less queer or somehow inferior to gay relationships#it boiled down to 'but you could've made them lesbians :((' YEAH BUT I DIDN'T#idk it was just absolutely infuriating trying to defend myself without saying 'idk what the fuck you want from me at this point'#anyway transfemme stevie is very big on twt but i didn't know whether to post it here or not#but i might if people want to see it because i love it a lot#twitter would die if they saw the olden days when we called them genderbends and there wasn't any trans content at all
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well hold on, if we define a character flaw as any limitation a character deals with, regardless of whether it's something Morally Wrong With Them or not, then Ford's paranoia counts as a character flaw since it does in fact negatively impact him and the people around him. Let me use better wording here: I will die on the hill that Ford's paranoia is not a moral failing.
#'i'll die on this hill' one second later: un-dies on that hill on a technicality#godsrambles#one way in which i probably differ from ford is that i could not care less about winning any arguments all i care about is being accurate#people are right about a lot of fords character flaws actually. the part they are wrong about is which ones are Moral Failings#and also people misinterpret his motivations and intentions behind things. but the flaws themselves? sure yeah people can identify those#unpopular opinion but i think ego is fine on its own too depending on how you define ego. case in point: papyrus. yknow the skeleton#it only becomes a problem when you're putting other people down. which i dont think ford is guiltless of but. the others do that too#idk sometimes when other people go 'omg... ego moment :/' im like 'a chance to hype eachother up! yay' i dont assume im being looked down o#unless thats specifically demonstrated to be happening#but the thing that kills me is that stan constantly puts other people down. but since he doesnt idk have an ego or talk weird its fine??#i very much agree with dipper when he replied to mabel with 'ford doesnt make fun of me all the time like you guys do'#and like once again. to each their own#some people see that level of making fun of people/being made fun of as just friendly banter and thats fair enough#but i really appreciate that ford isn't like that
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ah yes dungeon meshi, the manga where an autistic man gets repeatedly bullied by people he thinks are his friends and not a single person supports him
#dont get me wrong i am enjoying this manga#but i'm failing to see how this is some great amazing autistic rep#like yeah laios is obviously autistic#and the struggles he has due to his autism are VERY relatable#but it's deeply uncomfortable that even the people closest to him are routinely awful to him#specifically for his autistic traits#and their bullying is almost always a joke#not a single person defends him#literally senshi is the only character that's never been cruel to him#well and farlyn but lbr she's also autistic and also has been in like half a chapter that ive read so far#maybe ive just not read far enough or not seen enough posts#but im not understanding why the fandom are treating it like amazing autistic rep and how it understands us so well#you could argue that the narrative tends to support laios's methods and way of thinking#but nothing else does#the scene with shuro was fucking awful to read tbh#'you're so annoying because you're autistic. how dare you think im your friend when you should have just guessed that i hated you'#and not a single person defends laios#or calls shuro out on what a fucking horrific way of treating a party member that is#like i dont know MAYBE you could have just said 'hey i don't really want to be friends'#maybe you could COMMUNICATE.#but no it's the autistic man who's the problem. for the crime of.... being too nice.#i don't have a problem with the scene.#i have a problem with the fact that shuro is framed as reasonable here. instead of utterly fucking vile.#i have a problem with none of the other characters sticking up for laios.#dungeon meshi#maybe ppl will start treating him better#i would like to continue reading#but if he continues getting bullied in EVERY fucking chapter as a 'joke' then idk man
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not to bring tiktok drama on tumblr but like every time a ‘scandal’ comes out with one of these ‘production companies’ that make fan films i always hope we’re finally gonna discuss how they professionalize something that should be an hobbyist endeavor… and yet every single time i’m disappointed.
#like I know we’ve been talking about it here on tumblr and i remember seeing like one or two videos on tt about it#but other than that creators really don’t seem to be engaging critically with the impact that the very nature of what they’re doing has#and look i truly do love the art that some of the people involved in the project make#like arone is truly one of the most talented cosplayers i know#ethan is an amazing actor and I’ve followed him since before he was even in the marauders#dorian is a great writer and idk the others as well but I’m sure they are all great artists#((naming the just cause i feel like being vague would be worse in this case))#and i do believe they engaged with the project with the best of intentions#without knowing or trying to afford grace on past controversy#and it truly is a horrible predicament to have your work be tainted like that for something you had no control over#but like i do think we should be questioning the very idea of how this fanfilms have been made is inherently a problem#like fanfilms are essentially fanfiction on camera#so as long as a few cosplayers want to get together with their iphones write a script and shoot at the local park I don’t have a problem#but if you are putting in place a product that somehow requires you to fundraise consistently for two years then I have a problem with it#ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SELLING THE SCRIPT TO DO SO#cause even if that script hadn’t been ai generated#that script is fanfiction and you do. not. sell. fanfiction.#seriously like… do we need to go over our abc again?#like fanart and cosplayers are a bit different in the sense that people sell fanart/do commissions and they can be professional cosplayers#but for any other fanmade project that requires you to put pen to paper (or keyboard to chatgpt ig)#you need to be engaging with several ethical questions regarding any exchange of money#and personally i don’t think that there’s been engagement with those ethical reflections#and this isn’t about any of the people involved and not even about mischief productions specifically#it’s about a wider issue in how we have been collectively normalizing a way of doing things that should not be normal#and like yes star using ai and being overall not good is bad but like can we talk about EVERYTHING ELSE please
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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sorry if you've answered this before, but what do you think of taco's immidient switch into her viseral hatred of the game post losing mic? do you think its just her trying to get everyone to quit or does she genuinely detest the game for ruining what was her one honest happy relationship (with someone who knew the real her, not to deligate pickle and taco but to me their relationship is much different because of it)
THIS IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING ID HAVE TO REQATCH THE EP TO ANSWER CONFIDENTLY. but anwyays taco is very unreliable and what she says outwardly is almost always taken lightly by me because she contradicts herself a ton and lies a lot to avoid putting herself into vulnerable situations. I don’t think she cares about the other contestants very much and taco has always been a very self serving character. if ae really meant to write her as someone sincerely acting selflessly to preserve the wellbeing of people she hardly ever considers,I would be very very surprised...so the answer is the latter. she’s in her bitter revenge arc..she’s tearing up whatever she thinks ruined things between her and mic…which also happens to include herself as well but that’s not rly relevant rn
#also no oens asked before dotn worry#but again I really needto rewatch the episode#but I remmeber specifically also kinda feeling like it was all a little out of left field#my goat was a little bit of a plot device but that’s ok#because I do recognize that the format of the show calls for that it’s hard to fully dedicate extended arcs of character devolution that#spans between a long period of time like maybe I feel it might’ve deserved#I think she located her problems very quickly in a way I wouldn’t have initially thought of but jm not really one to preach that I know a#characyer better than the writers. so that’s just an opinion rather than criticism#ultimately I don’t think tacos nature has changed. I don’t think she has become enamored with preserving the mental well-being of the cast#like her actions and words may imply. she is selfish before anything else#txt#idk if any of this makes sense
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
#phantom hourglass#linebeck#loz#legend of zelda#salty talks#imo the action vs inaction thing feels esp interesting to me when looking at oshus specifically. he and his world are in grave danger#and he knows it and he actively does nothing and even seems reluctant to let ciela and link go ahead and do something.#of course he comes around on it but it's very interesting. has he given up at that point? thats what it suggests to me#that hes like. joined the people of mercay in just lying down and waiting for other people to fix their problems or just. not do anything#otherwise on mercay you have that old guy in the bar who spends the whole game not leaving bc he doesnt want to face his wife#and she never goes to the bar to actually look for him and just talks about it if anything#the guy with the blue tunic talks a lot about linebeck and his ship and almost gives the impression that he really wants to talk to him#but yknow. doesnt. theres the women that tells you about docks being shut down and how linebeck is the only person who's showed up#the woman you see at the broken bridge who's just like oh well! time to wait til someone fixes it.#even the guy fixing the bridge iirc is like well fuck i gotta do it or else oshus is going to bitch at me abt it#everyone seems reluctant to act which makes for an interesting way in how our main crew stands out#it is less so oh theyve been chosen specifically for this its moreso they're the ones who are fucking doing something about this#for their own various reasons some of which are more selfish but theyre still doing something#will likely have more stuff to say when im done but ofc we have other characters in the game who have to do with this#anyways. linebeck is so animated all of the fucking time it's great i dont think theres any other character that moves as much as him#when he's just standing around to talking to link it's great. he's so ready to get going.#it works with him being an anxious mess and also with like. oh he's probably understimulated. you know he's got a nasty case of wanderlust#i can put it with the idea that he's understimulated and afraid to stim in public so he's just constantly moving#he probably drums his fingers on tables bounces his leg when sitting paces around switches the way he sits or lays down often#tbh this kinda fits in with him being one of the main characters who takes action moreso than a lot of other characters#his arc culminates in him taking action he's going after the ghost ship he's moving around the world the only issue is that one of the#actions he takes is running away from his problems literally n metaphorically (tho idk if facing the jolene problem is a good idea for him)
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it
#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you#youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying#and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away#like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right?#like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine#peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that#in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids#by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to#which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering#things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much#idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it#like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch#so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling#like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right?#and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression#bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad#and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn#so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference#idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough#just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more
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A list of ways they could have ended the Hamster and Gretel season finale that would have been better than whatever the hell that was:
Gretel reveals herself to Hiromi to help explain to her why Kevin constantly has to dip (Hiromi has proven herself trustworthy several times at this point there is literally no risk to telling her)
Kevin and Gretel have an actual heart to heart where they talk out why they're frustrated with each other
Gretel reads Kevin the speech she literally wrote for him
Some kind of flash back to the twins where we see Lauren starting to doubt the whole "supervillain" thing
I get it's a "kids show" but kids shows still deserve actually good writing and plot and this just. Wasn't it. The open ending was TOO open ended. Leaving the failed date for next season? Sure. Leaving the potential redemption arc for the villain next season? Yeah okay.
Wiping away the brother and sister tension with a throwaway scene and no follow up? Come on. And ending with the stupid aliens teasing next season, then crushing Kevin further with how he wasn't supposed to get powers, and finishing out the whole season with what literally is just a, "That's rough buddy?"
Yeesh.
#kevin has a catu level meltdown coming and i for one hope he actually gets it#hng#hamster and gretel#i also struggle bc like.....gretel is roughly the age of phineas and ferb. if not a little bit younger#but youre telling me that she WOULDN'T feel bad if kevin actually told her how he was feeling?#if you're gonna make another sibling show that specifically revolves around siblings can you like.#idk make me care about them AS siblings?#tell me how with no episodic continuity phineas and ferb and candace still have a more well rounded sibling relationship#in just the first season of the show#and theres actually a STORY LINE to HnG and theyre still having the same sibling problems they did at the very beginning of the show#Kevin still feels left out and useless and Gretel still doesnt get that despite it being brought up 100 times#idk do better that was a shitty season finale it didnt even feel like a finale#this is far too many tags for me to be rambling about a childrens show#also the opening scene? was redundant. its already been shown in the show a thousand times that Kevin would do anything for Gretel
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footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia
#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain#way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right#but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion#this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me#how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk#I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it#but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid#theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some#universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice#source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING#THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific#than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍#nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I#really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk#the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will#understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿#Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best#but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment#im rambling the short version is I have adhd#yapping
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:( patheticposting
nearly literally reduced to tears rn by how overwhelmingly it feels like nobody cares what I make or like or think about and how meaningless any of my creativity and love and effort is
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in further context to the last post, re: very real emergency, today was the first time i ever had to call 911 for another person 🙃 basically to make a long story short(ish) my dad called my mom while at work super incoherent, we ended up calling 911, we were afraid it was any number of serious issues like a stroke or something, but what actually happened was that he inhaled too many fumes from the chemicals he was working with. so the EMTs declared him to be okay after he had like 20-30 minutes in fresh air. when he got home he told us that he didn't remember anything from 10 am - 4 pm, barely remembered calling my mom, didn't remember anything he said on the phone, and that the reason he called my mom was cause he basically passed out on the floor, woke up on the floor, and didn't know how he got there (he did not say that or share anything useful on the phone though lmao so we were pretty horrified to realize the situation was even worse than we'd assumed)
anyway he's fine now, just embarassed so much attention is being paid to him, and i have experienced Anxiety today
#the 911 was not the phone tree i mentioned earlier LOL it was very quick and efficient as it should be#the phone tree was my attempt to actually Locate my dad because i needed to know which specific place he was working#but i couldnt get through to a real person to tell me#i did get a call back immediately though from a real person! so we were able to keep working on the problem and get my dad help#but the actual moment it was happening i was like 'what if hes dying and i'm in hell having to listen to a lady tell me press 3 for xyz' 😭#i am also dying to know what chemicals he was using#he normally use respirators and stuff idk what happened today....
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can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon
#anyway. keep feeling weird in a specific way but not really wanting to talk about it with anyone but also not talking about it makes it#feel like its crawling under my skin. and its not necessarily a bad feeling i just have a fucked up traumatized brain that makes#feeling things weird in general. i feel things so strongly or else im numb and outside my body and often struggle#with being super aware of myself because of this. where its also like im in survival mode constantly know and it can be easy#for me to go numb and not feel things or else be just going into panic panic panic hell freakout but beyond that it can be very hard#for me to identify feelings and such and having sat with this feeling its like. ok i think ive identified this but it feels#weird for me and i dont know what to do with this. should i do anything with this. probably not. and that carries its own#various baggage and relation to other issues im realizing i said i was going to be vulnerable but now i am just being very#vague about everything im saying. as you can tell i have problems and am noy good at being vulnerable#tldr feelings are weird. ive been feeling weird lately in specific ways that i dont know how to deal with but its not really bad but does#relate to certain issues i have with myself but idk really what to do besides just feeling it and letting it pass#but sometimrs iy has made me want to bang my head against a wall
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this might be a controversial take but fuck it
drawing any brandon character white or super light skinned weirds me out
#i didnt say bryce but this is specifically about bryce#i see so much art of her being white as a ghost and i just dont get it#listen i know the paper thing at the end of the ceo skit said she’s white#but listeN OKAY LISTEN.#if you wanna play it like that it also says she’s fat which she very clearly is not#so whos to say. stinky.#i dont even know if its really whitewashing if it’s a character#especially when a lot of them don’t have confirmed races#but even if it’s completely fine it still makes me eugh#idk maybe im the problem
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