#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW

[toytulini]

me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts

[dot-png]

bryce Hfj Nd Headcanons u Say... ? Share them Pretty Pleas? wuld Love 2 Hear ur Thoughts Bout that Guy..

i see him having anxiety, clinical depression, c-ptsd and autism

the depression part is kinda obvious as to why if you pay attention to his character but ill elaborate later

the anxiety part is actually technically canon, since he has thalassophobia, which is an anxiety disorder (plus the fact i dont think airy would just randomly add a fun fact to their extra sections - a phobia caused by an actual disorder differs from just an irrational fear so yeah (also caney has epilepsy listed in his extra sections which is a disorder)) i'd like to incorporate that along with the cptsd part since it causes anxiety obviously

as for autism its more of a headcanon for fun rather than with factual basis but ill elaborate on it also

my reasoning for him having c-ptsd is not because of the competition but his childhood, his mom's behavior was so bad that stella had to out of her way to keep bryce away from her

i say complex ptsd specifically because of how he asks if she's having "another one" so we can assume it happened consistently. he also didn't have any way to escape (aside from stella distracting him) considering it was domestic. i dont really think his mom abused him in some way ? but the consequences had to be destructive enough for stella to assume their own home was unsafe for a small child. we don't see much about bryce's relationship with his mom (or his parents in general) but that 100% carried on to his adult self - especially if it happened frequently, and it was super early too because i dont think he was any older than like 7 in that flashback

another factor for this is stella's death ofc, we know how much their relationship mattered to him and how losing her affected him so i dont think i need to overexplain it

as for the way its shown in the show: compared to everyone else, his startled response feels more severe for me, like he always goes on fight or flight mode rather than just freaking out a little. i want to point out one 10 specially

liam shows up at bryces door after 7 months and just stays there for an entire night, during all that time liam just rambles about one and his mere presence is a reminder of one for bryce. one was a traumatizing experience for everyone, but bryce processes it differently, being reminded of that just sents him into shock:

he can't think of how to react until 10 hours later. the way liam reacts at first suggest he thinks bryce is just being rude and purposefully ignoring him, he thinks bryce shouldn't avoid talking to him because he thinks he didn't go through the same amount of pain he [liam] did on the plane and he shouldn't act like he did; but he isn't aware of how anything that remotely reminds him of a bad experience can send him spiraling back to that place, he may not have stayed as long and not have suffered as much (or worse) as liam, but he's been living with this mindset for so long that it's just an automatic reaction. he can panic at anything:

(and i wanna point out how on the first one the shot focuses specifically on him)

and that may seem obvious like, yeah of course he would panic in one 10 of course he was trying to process seeing liam out of nowhere after almost a year but i only went on this tangent and brought that up bc i wanna link it to another thing ....

in one 13 bryce says how "his life was miserable before the competition" and "now that its over he has an incentive to do something with his life". kylie also says that after bryce came back she feels like "he's taking his job more seriously". what i wanna touch on is how the way they put it seems like bryce is trying to like find a purpose in his life, but not exactly find peace ? i don't know exactly how to put it. like he says he was pretty miserable and demotivated he had a stupid chungus life whatever. it feels like he was trying to get his life in order and get more done, rather than facing what was holding him back in the first place and try to make peace with that. he felt unproductive when that's not really the main cause of his misery. which brings me to..

his whole thing with the waiting room. he didn't have any panic reaction, but he was definitely clinging to the past, in this case his childhood and the moments he got to feel safe with stella

now i know the waiting room is designed to make you want to go to whatever's calling you no matter what, but metaphors exist ok . so im gonna consider it a metaphor for his cptsd in bryce's case

he spends the entire episode clinging to the manifestation of stella, but liam stops him from actually going w her because he wants them to solve the whole airy thing first. by the end of it, bryce stops seeing the suburbs as well as stella. when liam and bryce finally get to rest, he says:

he didn't realize that his tendency to ignore his suffering in the past doesn't prepare him for when it pops up again. it send him into terror, he can't help but go back to reliving it, this cycle just kept making him feel worse but he insisted in doing better instead of reconciling with himself

his childhood and one were two different traumatic experiences, but accepting he can't just live what he went through in that competition behind makes him realize he doesn't need to be scared of his past so often. he had to realize he can't just constantly try to repress what happened and move on without reflecting on the way what happened scarred him and continues to affect him; even if he supresses it, it will come back one point and make him go through all that all over again (which is another reason for me to think that people saying bryce dislikes liam is stupid but thats not the point !🙄)

as for his depression season 1 implies it a lot, specially with the flashback sequence in one 7 i can see him having executive dysfunction and it being one of the reasons as to why he tried changing so much after one he also has problems with sleep, and the irritability that comes with experiencing depression in general. also stella's death once again contributes to it

i see him being autistic mainly because he's this trope basically:

(sorry this image is the only way i could put it . you have to understand . ) kylie says how he's not very expressive, and we see how he really isn't. monotonicity is very characteristic of asd, in his case it feels specially like a symptom considering how, in most cases, people don't mean to be as monotone as they are. we know bryce isn't exactly the most chill person in the world he just has a hard time managing and expressing his emotions

bringing up executive dysfunction again, its also a common trait in asd

another thing is his hypersensitivity (which i already talked about a lot), overstimulation can lead to panic attacks you get what i mean. i think he fits as being sensory avoidant

the way he handles most social situations in the show (specially on the plane and with liam on season 2) i can see him being oblivious to social cues

not exactly factual basis just a little analysis, i interpret him being low empathy but high compassion. i think the low empathy would be more related to his irritability

[anonzentimes]

You're one of my favorite people on here, I love komaeda so much, oh my god

infodump about whatever you want about komaeda NOW!! (if you want, you dont actually have to)

RAGGG!!!!! you're so so sweet oh my gosh ❤️❤️ Sure i'll talk about komaeda! I'll just say what I've been thinking about specifically today.

I was thinking about the fact that Nagito can suppress sides of him today, when he needs to he's able to suppress some of his personality for people. I think the reason Nagito is "normal," before his freakout is not only for the plot twist but because he's trying to make a good impression for Hajime. And once he's even more interested in Hajime he wants his attention, He's always by his side at any chance he gets. I think Hajime just generally stood out to him because he felt a connection with him on a spiritual level and acted upon his curiosity. Why would he be the only one to stay behind and wake up Hajime otherwise? I think he had the gut instinct I do when I feel as if I need to talk to somebody who interests me.

His "facade," is sort of like how when you meet new people and you're not entirely showing your true self fully yet, I think he does that. He's able to suppress parts of himself for other people.

Nagito is always wanting Hajime's attention, he respects his personal space and beliefs but mostly wants to be around him. He's also VERY observant, even when he doesn't understand social cues sometimes his ability to observe others is a big factor about him. He observes Hajime a lot.

Which is honestly weird, isn't he afraid of getting close to people? He usually avoids his classmates, he thinks he isn't deserving of reciprocation, and yet he stayed by Hajime's side. He made an effort to talk normally enough that Hajime would like him. He even went swimming without any complaints, probably because he still doesn't want to lose his attention.

He continues this behavior throughout the game, even in Chapter 4 he uses the fact he has information to get Hajime's attention.

He doesn't think he's worth the ultimates time, and yet, he's always drawn to Hajime. He's always after Hajime's approval, it's so oddly fascinating to me. It's not an obsession thing, but he just really loves him for some reason. It feels more like an irrational emotion, it's not warped love, it's not about status, and It proceeds on even when he knows he's a despair.

I wonder if maybe, just maybe, if Nagito saw his suicide plan as freeing Hajime from Despair. Maybe that's how he justifies it with his emotions. And in an odd sense a horrible proclamation of love.

Sorry this kind of turned into Komahina more than anything lmao, but mostly I'm just thinking about how weird it is that he likes him, like why? What is it about him that Nagito is so infatuated with him? It goes against what he usually does, was he just really that special that he becomes irrational to his typical behaviors?

And in the free time events he's even more infatuated because he believes Hajime is amazing for tolerating him. He pushes him away so he doesn't get harmed by his luck cycle, but also to hopefully to get Hajime kill him. He wants him to escape, he wants him to create hope. Because he believes someone as great as Hajime can create amazing hope. And then his love confession???? AUGH his love confession like, it's so complicated. Did he bail out because he didn't want him to get hurt by his luck cycle? Did he bail out because he doesn't think he's worthy? LIKE??? He's so crazy.

Nagito's so interesting, his irrational infatuation with Hajime next to his warped beliefs, luck cycle, warped love, and intense obsession with hope to the point that he becomes morally grey over it makes him such a wonderful and entertaining character.

[woobifykamukura]

ghdsfkjghdsf is that a common thing?

I don't really get how he'd be misdiagnosed anyway; it would need brain scans, especially since it's so rare at his age, and if anything it would have been misdiagnosed as other conditions for a while. Only going off cry-stars here- I have no expertise myself- but she's said that can happen and there was a recent case in Japan where a young guy's dementia was mistaken for depression for ages.

If we doubt Komaeda's FTD it can only be via doubting his honesty imo (but I still think he's telling the truth). I also love seeing analyses of him through the lenses of other disorders as comorbid instead of alternative diagnoses- especially autism, but I've seen interesting takes wrt OCD and BPD too- but canonically I feel like bvFTD, extreme post-traumatic stress and political radicalisation adequately explain his issues.

TO BE FAIR it probably isnt As common as i think it is, i just saw one reddit post thst explicitly claimed the FTD was a misdiagnosis and that it totally makes way more sense for komaeda to have autism and bpd, and a surprisung number of people... agreed? for some reason??

which i need to state for the record a) i am autistic myself and b) have absolutely zero problems with headcanons, even if they arent ones i ascribe to personally

what i DO have a problem with is people erasing canon neurodivergencies and/or erasing traits CENTRAL to a character in order to square-peg-round-hole the headcanon THEY have as the most correct one

"nagito has ftd and was autistic before that?" cool! neat! seeing how those two disorders being comorbid with each other could be really interesting!

"nagito does NOT have ftd, the devs were wrong, they actually wrote an autistic character and didnt realize it" stop talking.

this is very like, misanthropic i guess but after SO MUCH SHIT ive seen it just speaks to an unwillingness to empathize with or relate to anyone that isnt exactly like you. and you cant just headcanon real people around you with Misdiagnosed Autistic (most.... times....) so this pops up in fiction

like. i am autistic! i also have two (2) personality disorders, and neither is bpd. this has led to a non negligible amount of autistic people completely stereotyping my other disorders as evil in order to prop themselves up ("i thought i was a narcissist/sociopath, which wouldve been awful, but really i was just autistic! phew!!" with implicit, sometimes EXPLICIT value judgements being made)

i have had a friend i had in real life, to my face, say he didn't believe i had either personality disorder and really i was secretly just autistic

...if we had been better friends, maybe he would've known me well enough to know that that's almost... comically untrue. lol

so in my opinion there do exist a certain minority of autistic people who see autism as the only neurodivergency that Matters, or at least the one that matters the most. and the only way they can feel any sympathy for anyone else is if they are also autistic

and i know this is a minority! and i just see it a lot because i am an autist in fandom and a lot of other autistic people are also in fandom! AND that this is a mindset prone to ANY minority- most people think their Problem is the Worst Problem, it just... happens. however i am just as irrational and prone to biases as anyone else and ive chosen this as my completely irrelevant hill to die on

that one reddit post made me so goddamn mad bc of All This PLUS its double insulting when someone says "i have a special interest in psychology!" as a way to say theyre extremely knowledgable, and doing genuine analysis with the lens of "i am looking at the text and trying to make an objective diagnosis" and then STILL DO THIS!!! because they have this veneer of "im just a guy asking questions" before diving right into a weirdly consspiratory subset of "everyones an idiot about mental health except for ME"

...which tbf i dont think that about myself. i am very good at writing a wide variety of mental illness due to a combination of research and life experience BUT i could really only tell you like. actual non-surface level FACTS about aspd and to a lesser extent, npd. because thats what i chose to focus on. there are far and away lots more people that know more about me about other things, and im fine wit that

i am however also aware of this extremely hyperspecific social phenominon. and thus it is my burden to bear. my mountainous molehill.

also r/danganronpa just fucking sucks like in general. every time i see a kokichi opinion there i get a little closer to pulling the trigger. i think the real moral here is reddit is garbage and should not be used for anything other than product reviews

(also fwiw i agree w ur personal take at the end, with a lil bit of ocd tendencies that like, started off manageable and nowhere near diagnostic level badness, since things he might do to manage his cycle and even the constant thinking about it are very much reminiscent of obsessions and compulsions. but ftd in of itself can cause ocd symptoms so after that it got... worse. thats my personal take on it ^^)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas- I'm a new anon, I haven't come to you before for help reasons. We are moots tho, and I feel like you're amazing at this so here we go-

I moved recently, away from my best friends for almost over 10 years I think, and there was 5 of us. Since I've been gone physically, I still keep in touch through text and ft them every weekend. Recently, in a lot of the pictures they've been sending me, there's a girl I was sorta friends with, and the way my friends talk about her is like, "oh yea it's so funny, you used to do x all the time and now *new girl name* does it a lot, I never realized how much like you she is," and similar stuff. One of my friends says she feels guilty bc it feels like the girl is trying to take my place, and a few of our other mutual friends are letting her? And I don't know what to do with this bc I can tell I do feel like jealous or annoyed and I miss them so much and I thought she was a genuinely nice person, since we were on the road to being friends, but now it feels like she's taking my place with my closest friends? And I know I'm prolly being irrational, bc I know my friends can (and should) have other friends that aren't me, but I dont like the way it feels like I'm being replaced? I don't get why this is affecting me so much, since they're litterally half way across the world, but I feel jealous of that girl, who gets so much time with litterally my most favorite people (irl) ever and I also feel bad for starting to not like her bc we used to kinda be friends?

Like another thing- I used to have this hoodie I loved and wore often. It was a personalized hoodie I had customized. I still have it. And in the last few pictures my friends sent me, this other new girl was wearing the same one, and???? I don't know what to do? I feel like a terrible person bc honestly what if I'm just making all this up in my head???

Im so sorry that was so incoherent, I just needed to vent/ramble I hope you have a great week, and that you never step on a lego again and that everything is always at the right temperature<3333

Hi!

I think it's natural to feel this way, honestly. I think you need to remember that this girl probably isn't the real source of your emotions, though. Like she's just doing her thing. It's your friends that you need to communicate with.

I think you should express the fact that you miss them. That it's hard to see them having fun without you. Don't specifically say that you're mad about this other girl, just say that you wish you were there and that it's hard to see them doing things with other people. Tell them you don't blame them, but you just wish you were there. Odds are, they miss you too, and they'll remind you how much they love you. It won't change anything, but sometimes hearing that is reassuring and makes it a bit easier.

It's okay to feel this way and it's also ok to share your feelings in a healthy way. Don't let that resentment build up.

Sending love!

Naming you moving anon!

[starjunkyard]

Guys the huddy breakup scene fucking me up so bad What thefuck. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN BUT I STILL. I

GOD ITS JUST SO CRUEL FROM HOUSE'S PERSPECTIVE? AND I UNDERSTAND WHY CUDDY DID WHAT SHE DID BUT WE'VE BEEN WITH HOUSE THIS WHOLE TIME AND WE SAW HIM IN REHAB!!!!!!!!! AND WE SAW HIM DETOX AND WHAT HE DID TO GET BETTER AND CUDDY JUST OUTRIGHT STATING THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK HE CAN BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN ADDICT IS FUCKING HEARTWRENCHING?

Like i genuinely love cuddy soooooososososo much so much,,,,, i know the truth always hurts no matter what hoops you try and jump through but god its fucking heartwrenching. Its an absolute gutpunch when you take into account everything house did to try and become more than a miserable misanthropic vicodin-addicted bastard. And then one of the only two women he's ever truly loved tells him that his best is not enough. House could jump through rings of fire but it still wouldn't be enough because "that's just how you are." "I can change. I can be better." "I don't think you can." Dude im fucking heaving man

LIKE ITS LOGICAL!!!!!!!!!! ITS UNDERSTANDABLE!!!!!! BUT THE THING IS THAT THE TWO SINGULAR PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO LOVE HOUSE UNCONDITIONALLY (WILSON AND CUDDY) ARE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THOSE ADJECTIVES WHEN IT COMES TO THEE GREGORY HOUSE!!!!!!! ENABLERS BY DEFINITION ARE IRRATIONAL AND ILLOGICAL AND I THINK ANOTHER REASON WHY THE BREAKUP GRABBED ME BY THE BALLS AND TWISTED IS BECAUSE I GENUINELY NEVER COULD'VE IMAGINED CUDDY WOULD SAY THAT? I COULD JUST BE IN DENIAL?? BUT FOR CUDDY TO COMPLETELY END THINGS WITH HOUSE AFTER HE RELAPSES A SINGLE TIME AFTER GOING DRUG-FREE FOR OVER A YEAR WAS GENUINELY UNTHINKABLE TO ME? LIKE UNIMAGINABLE

God its fucking me up so bad. Its just fucking me up so bad. The only woman you've loved in 10 years tells you outright that your best will never be enough and there isn't a thing you can do about it. That your flaws and your vices are inescapable and inseparable from who you are as a person. Who you are as a person is why she can't bear to be with you. You do everything and it's not Enough Gggod DUDE

And god the fucking parallel between the s6 finale scene and the scene that follows after cuddy ends things with house. Dude i cant even talk about it like ill actually throw up (is gonna talk about it) HOUSE IS IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION House is slumped against his bathtub orange bottle of vicodin in hand and staring at his palm where two white pills lie. The scene exactly parallels its predecessor and both you and house almost hope they both end the same way .House looks at the doorway eyes swollen and red but no wilson no cuddy no one comes to save him from himself and he forces the vicodin into his mouth like a man sentenced to be publicly hung wounding the noose around his own neck. The stark parallels between the two scenes are just fucking me up so bad god man i dont know. I sound like a youtuber rightnow but i am genuinely just so absolutely ruined and need to find solace.......................... I know theres no rationalising this kind of thing but do u think house truly is inseparable from his vices........... Do you think he could've been the life partner cuddy needed without leaning on drugs.............. I know house got better i know he can be better even without the aid of vicodin but is there a universe where gregory house could ever be enough for lisa cuddy. God idont even care anymire im throwing up part of my lung

[ghostgraveyard]

I feel like I need to clarify. I like the whole “The Jedi code is like an itch; their compassion leaves a trail.” thing but more as a ‘values that the best and most true Jedi hold’ and that sort of futile idealism people believe applies to the jedi as a whole.

But I hate when people take that line and use it as a reason to discount people arguing against the Jedi.

Like you need to see the difference between ideals and values vs action.

I love that u love ur jedi and what they stand for, but i need you to understand that the jedi actually SUCK and thats okay (for you to like them in spite of such). Stop trying to convince people of their goodness bc for sure, some of them are good, but that doesnt make them representative.

The jedi fell bc they were a working part of a corrupt system and u literally can’t take their responsibility for that away just bc u wunna hold their hand and giggle. Root for them but dont talk to anyone amidst your delusion where the meow meow jedi can do no wrong. Do you understand?

“Their compassion leaves a trail…its like an itch” and I would see so many people use it like “See? The jedi are peak perfection and good!” and im like, “No! They arent! Anakin’s entire origin story is a prime example as to why!”

This was unironically canon:

Anakin: tries to literally do the most for one ounce of approval

Obiwan: 😐 your desire for praise will be your undoing.

Anakin: 😦

Can you not see he is DESPERATE for something he’s done to be recognised. His inner child is begging to be seen. His outer child is doing its best to be worthy of it and every time he thinks “this is it, this time—“ he’s basically smited.

Anakin knows love and affection through the eyes of a slave. Blunt honesty and proof through care and being there (action) and staying through thick and thin. He doesn’t need you to burn down a planet because that’s HIS love language, thats how HE shows he cares, not how he needs others to show it.

Because he feels he’s not good enough—burning down a planet, in his mind, shows the people he cares for that he would do anything for them of it’s in his power to do so, and that he really means it when he says he loves them. Grand gestures are how HE shows love because he feels like anything else is as inadequate as he is

Being abandoned and never told he’s loved and cared for is a big reason his affections and attachments turn obsessive. He’s never been given anything concrete, he’s never shown that people care in a way he can understand. They think “I said hi to him and spoke up for him and trained him and gave him camaraderie—thats proof I love him” and think Anakin can properly differentiate it between duty and not.

He thinks, “my master is my master but he only cares for the Jedi and I can’t live without him but he could without me bc I’m a burden and will never be good enough or perfect like Obi-wan” bc Obi-wan isn’t honest with himself or Anakin, and you can see this etched into the very lines of his story no matter where you look.

He doesn’t say “i love you” to Anakin’s face until he’s literally chopped Anakin’s limbs off and left him to die on Mustafar, and even then it’s ambiguous. Anakin understands there is SOME sort of affection between him and Obi-wan that goes both ways but in the end, he never feels like he can truly tell Obi-wan anything without being shunned, misunderstood, or lectured, when all he needs is someone to talk to and hold close without fearing theyll leave him behind when he disappoints them.

One of the only people to ever outright tell Anakin what they feel was his mom, and she ended up dead bc Anakin was told he was being irrational about her and his visions of her death; and the fact that his mother was one of the only people to ever tell him she loved him and was proud, and that she was one of the only people who would never turn her back on him when he wasnt perfect (bc she thought he was perfect anyway. Her love for anakin was unconditional whereas everyone elses’ seemed to be very obviously conditional) and that terrified him bc following her death, the only other person left was Padmé, in their very unhealthy, very suspicious, co-dependant romance.

But even then, since she was the ONLY ONE he knew for sure how they felt, he was terrified something would happen to her and that she would leave him too—be it through death or finding someone to replace him (visions + irrationally believing she and Obi-wan were having an affair). He was obsessive and possessive and I honestly can’t blame him, especially from a psychological standpoint—and even more especially, from a child psychology standpoint. He was never given a reason or a chance to nurture any secure attachment style, especially when faced with the first 10 years of his life as a slave? Yikes.

He was obsessed with his relationships because he never had anything else to hold on to (from his perspective), and do you know who took gleeful advantage of that? Palpatine.

Anakin only wanted to be good enough, to make people proud, to give them a reason to tell him they love him. And maybe the one person he wanted to lure in the most was Obi-wan, who viciously shunned him for that, even when he would sparsely give anakin the praise he wanted so desperately

Anakin said, “I beat you! I won!” All giddy and self-assured after a spar with Obi-wan and instead of allowing that feeling of accomplishment, of the desire to make his master proud, Obi-wan just looked at him and said with shame, “Your need for praise will be your undoing,” and in the end, he wasn’t wrong. It was a self fulfilling prophecy.

Because in the end. The only person left who told Anakin he was proud was fucking slimy Palpatine, the dark lord of the goddamn sith.

Unfortunately, a lot of explicitly pro-jedi/jedi apologist fandom participants like to “interpret” the Jedi code themselves. They make these incredibly long-winded, well thought-out posts explaining the meaning and how it works in practice and how the jedi embody this—BUT they never actually consider or address the literal canon aspects. Things we actually see with our eyes: the novelisations, the games, the shows, the movies.

You’d think, therefore they must be, right? Wrong. You say this is what the Jedi are like and while that’s beautifully wonderful and I wish you were right—that’s literally not what happens. Literally not what they’re like at all. It’s actively part of the plot.

I think your interpretations of the code are great but you act like that’s the reality we’re actually living in. You act like that’s what the shows tell you, rather than just what you want to believe based on your own interpretation of the code itself (ignoring lack of congruency we sometimes see in the shows or movies).

My point is, you can love the jedi while acknowledging their VERY obvious flaws. The flaws that destroy them, corrupt them, misguide them, make them terrible people. The flaws that cannot be retconned by one writer saying “its an itch” while pretending Anakin’s “Anakin Skywalker is dead. I killed him” makes up for the horrible things Old Hermit Kenobi does with luke.

So yeah.

Lets at least be real when we’re loving who we love.

[necroromantics]

Regarding being "cancelled"

Im not gonna address this further unless anyone needs clarification or something cuz its just drama with random ass kids who I'm not interested in interacting with

Some people dug up a fuck ton of old screenshots of shit I said in my server a year ago. Not gonna deny saying any of that, cuz I did say it, and I've said worse, and if you've talked to me at all I am always very open about this stuff.

In the screenshots I made jokes about disabled people and said I don't care if someone is a Nazi, because at the time my server had like no rules, everything was free reign (which is now changed). This is because I did not care if someone was disabled or a Nazi. It kinda comes hand in hand with ASPD, not caring unless it directly effects you. This does not mean I condone or support the things I joked about*

If you don't know what ASPD is, it's antisocial personality disorder, its characterized by "disregard for peoples rights and feelings". The reason I was even diagnosed in the first place was because I fit the criteria of crossing moral boundaries, disregarding peoples feelings, and not fitting into social norms. I was VERY bad with that in the past, especially a year ago when I was 18 years old, very deep in drug addiction, and didn't have the support system I have now.

If you want to judge me based on my past mistakes and actions, I can't control you. I don't expect anyone to like me, but I do care to get my side out too. I post here because I have fun, not because I care what people think. And if you judge me from shit I said as a drug addicted horribly mentally ill 18 yr old, then that isn't my problem.

Love the label, hate the symptoms yeah?

I don't like apologizing for things I'm not actually sorry for so this isn't an apology. I know I've said a lot of jarring and rude and fucked up things in the past, but if you know me at all then you know it never came from a place of hatred. To me, as someone with ASPD, its about proving that things like societal rules and norms aren't going to be another thing that controls you, so you just ignore them completely. This is what makes it a disorder. Cuz it's irrational and dysfunctional and causes problems like this

Also they vaguely mentioned me abusing someone who's borderline which is ??? because all the relationships with borderlines Ive been in had been very unhealthy on both sides. My mom has BPD so I know how to help those with BPD and Ive always tried my best to cater to BPDers symptoms and issues, even in the relationships where their condition got too much for me.

But yeah, I made mistakes in the past, and I'm not that person anymore, or at least I try hard not to be. I've been sober for almost a year, I have amazing friends and a good support system, I'm on medication for my bipolar disorder. Judge me from the past, but anyone who talks to me now knows that I work very hard to get over those mindsets and habits. To me, thats all that matters.

Edit: Not blaming my disorder, its just easier to explain. I'm taking full blame for what I said in the past, and I acknowledge that it was morally wrong. I said what I said. These people have been absolutely hellbent on being on my ass for months now when all I want to do is just chill out, get better, and live life. Theyre gonna keep complaining about everything I do, and I don't care to make any more edits, just wanted to clarify that Im not making excuses. Also I don't support Nazi's, I just made jokes about it. Anyone who knows me knows Im very against that shit

(I dont mean to sound callous or whatever, I just woke up to this and wanted to quickly clear shit up before it all blows out of proportion)

[bunniis-w0rld]

stop trying to lose weight to appeal to men

so many of you need to hear this, especially some of the younger girls on here

there are a lot of posts all over here talking about how 'when i lose weight ill finally talk to my crush' or 'when i lose weight he'll actually be attracted to me' or 'he'll regret hurting me' nooope. we're not doing that ladies

i am well aware this is a mental illness and it can contribute to those irrational worries and thoughts, but they are not true

and i know it sounds so cliche and you probably dont believe it but the right person for you is one who loves you regardless of your physical appearance. one who is all over you wether youve just woken up with smudgy mascara and messy hair or youve gotten all dressed up and spent hours on your makeup. one who loves you if you gain weight and look different, or lose weight and shrink down

a relationship based only off physical appearances, is a superficial one. there may be physical attraction on the surface and thats great, but you also want someone who loves you as a person. for your passions and quirks and the things that make you, you. a relationship based only on your body will only end in hurt, which dont get me wrong makes for interesting character development, but its not worth your time and pain. it isnt. you deserve so much better than that. people also change, and its unstable, knowing that as you grow as a person you will become different, you may gain weight or your body will change or your face may change, and a superficial relationship that is reliant on physical attraction alone will not last those changes

so if you want to talk to your crush, dont wait to lose all the weight and sit around wondering if he only likes you for your body, do it now. build a connection and you may find your person

if you want them to realise how much they hurt you, forget about them. that is what will show them. focus on yourself, and if that involves losing weight go for it, but sitting around hoping theyll notice still gives them the upper hand

and if a guy (or anyone) has ever, ever made you feel bad about your body that just shows his true colours. it reflects nothing on you as a person, all it does is show you that thats not the kind of person you want to spend your time around. he's not worth the energy

bottom line is, if you want to lose weight, do it. if itll make you more confident in finding a partner or more comfortable in your current situation, do it. if it makes you feel better for whatever reason, its not my business. but it is my damn business when i see all you smart beautiful people harming yourselves and putting yourselves down and feeling bad because of a man. no person is ever worth doing this to yourself for. you are worth so much more than that

[juni-ravenhall]

still seeing posts about problematic made up content in the year of absolute fucking hell 2024 tells me that you guys still dont have friends in indonesia in arranged marriages with men they dont love pregnant with kids they dont want who are lovely and kind ppl being tortured for patriarchy reasons and write toxic incest yaoi to feel some kind of light in their extremely fucked up life. im sorry but im never going to feel more empathy to you for being triggered (i have ptsd and been abused for my whole life) about a drawing or story or ship and acting extreme and unnuanced about it (badly handled trauma response) than the deep, deep empathy and love and warmth and respect i feel to the lovely kind women writing nasty freaky immoral yaoi to cope with a horrifying reality of misogyny and lack of human rights and the amazing sweet and creative suicidal teenagers told by everyone around them irl that they will burn in hell and never be normal who draw bizarre furry porn to try cling on to a glimpse of joy and fantasy in a cruel world that wants them dead. im so sorry i have priorities. im so sorry nobody's teaching you how to handle your trauma about sex and the patriarchy so you can stop projecting blame on oppressed people and abuse victims just bc theyre easy to access on your apps on your phone and you enable yourself to dehumanise them and be cruel to feel some semblance of control and safety in your own cloud of trauma. i cant even imagine saying "yuck" towards a woman in an arranged marriage stuck at home caring for a kid she didnt choose, because she wrote a nasty fanfic. i can't even imagine talking shit about a suicidal queer teenager because they read a nasty comic while spiralling in bed and wondering if they can handle another week of this life. if they are kind and respectful to real people and not sending adult things to minors or abusing anyone or bullying anyone or harassing anyone, then my love to them is boundless and my anger towards those who hurt them is the same. we need to destroy the patriarchy and end oppression and abuse and racism and classism and ableism and queerphobia together but we also need to handle our own triggers healthily and work to view other humans with nuance and empathy and love and equal rights without dehumanisation regardless if they read a nasty book, and focus on actual actions and real impact and actual systemic issues. it will never fail to be impressive in hypocrisy how someone can watch a hollywood movie and post about it as if it's morally neutral but judge or harass a disabled queer artist with the perception that this person is causing more immediate and severe harm than the production and consequences of a hollywood movie. or that sex is the enemy and that a bad ship is causing more immediate and severe harm than any amount of excitement around gore and violence and horror and death. i really wish i was on a planet where things made sense, but that feeling too is not something i use to abuse others. i understand why icky sex and fucked up romance irl traumatised you and makes you scared and upset even when its made up and not affecting you, because i see how you got there. but it's irrational to enable you and your friends to be shit people for it. im never ever tolerating you saying "yuck" or worse towards oppressed people who are just trying to fucking survive and not causing any more harm than you are, often the reverse, in my experience, often they're the kindest friends on earth in the worst fucking circumstances on earth while you sit with your privilege and dehumanise them just like any other pig in power. i love you fujoshi. i love you queers. i love you women. i love you furries. i love you ppl with kinks they live out in fiction or consensually. i love you traumatised kids and teens with no support. i love you traumatised adults with no support. dont hurt each other anymore. you have to choose to see that abused and oppressed people arent the cause of evil in the world no matter if their interests trigger you.

[psychoticallytrans]

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

[reservedlisting]

I normally dont make posts on tumblr but considering I dont want to continue harassing people on discord with my thoughts about hotd I'm gonna rant here :') this is literally just for me and i dont expect anyone to read this or make any sense of my insane ramblings.

this show is SO SO SO SO SOOOO SO0O0O0O0O00o0oo0o0o0o0o baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! I could and have written an entire thesis about it so I won't do that here but my god it's offensively bad.

The way that women are written and in turn men are written in juxtaposition to women. As a woman I am genuinely offended and Im dutch and me so I dont get easily offended. Yes, I have some issues with how George writes women and girls but fundamentally women are allowed to be humans and be flawed but also have those flaws pointed out in the story. In that way men and women arent any differently written in asoiaf.

Hotd women are allowed to be flawed (Only Alicent's flaws are lingered on though) but also lets gloss over it when its convenient so that we can pretend women are all just peaceful little lambs and its the evil men that want bloodshed (Nvm rhaenyra having the servant killed so she can marry Daemon and have her husband leave under threat, alicent having larys burn Mysaria's house down, Rhaenys literally having the highest body count by committing acts of terrorism during the coronation). Until we are actually given a Very Good Reason :tm: the reason being this prophecy bullshit that has infused the show with the worst writing imaginable. They didn't learn from season 1 when everyone already hated the prophecy inclusion, nope they just doubled down on it. Just having to hear rhaenyra yap yap yap about this shit made me wish I was aborted like the alicole baby.

Its also so funny how they're like ah yes we'll have this person call rhaenyra a whore or a cunt so that we are in fact reminded that these are bad people that we shouldnt support. Like wow thanks for that signal show, I didnt pick up your more "subtle" clues. Then i have to see tweets with 20k+ likes about how criston deserves to die.. not daemon though for actually choking rhaenyra or calling alicent a whore (because the audience actually agrees with that lbr)

Then there is the BLATANT biased. It's about as subtle as a brick to the face. Condal (who is a clown for many reasons) pretending theres some kind of equality between the sides doesn't actually make it so. it's so obvious that they want everyone to support Rhaenyra and despite her completely irrational behaviour. Oh no those sexist lords in the council, meanwhile she's been off for days on end and then comes back with nothing to offer and then leaves AGAIN. As if these men arent risking their own hides by supporting her. Ofc Rhaenyra wants to go to war but is "smartly" talked out of it because "ohno cant risk you" and meanwhile everything that Aegon does is painted as stupid even though they almost work out.

Why am I supposed to think Aegon is an idiot for thinking that a king needs to be on the front line? as they have been many times throughout history? Of course he's gonna be pissed when they make plans without him. And then you have useless Alicent, never have I been turned off a favourite character so quickly and I genuinely loved her in s1, they really had to try very hard here but they've managed to make me dislike her. You're not logan roy girl, youre just boring as fuck and contribute absolutely nothing. Maybe you shouldve actually tried to prepare Aegon for rule in the decades since he was born instead of whining about how your evil sons dont listen to you.

its funny how tb people on twitter were made about comparison posts about aegon and alicent vs paul atreides and Lady Jessica. Because somehow Paul killing 61 billion people is less bad than whatever Alicent and Aegon do... meanwhile I'm actually mad that Alicent isn't in fact remotely like lady jessica. I genuinely wish she was because at least that would make her compelling. Instead of this useless figure we see now. Her relationship with her children especially aegon was always fraught. But she clearly loved them. Despite my hate hate relationship with ep8 that moment between Aegon and Alicent in the carriage and in the dragonpit was one of the best moments. Now even that is ruined.

The blatant bias really shone through in episode 4 to the point that I just had to laugh. And then reading what condal has to say or what TGC said they wanted him to do. I might as well be reading tb fanfic on ao3 and I might get to read a fairer treatment of the characters.

The fact that we also have seen extensive scenes of tb with their dragons but sunfyre, the most beautiful dragon and Aegon, the two that have the strongest bond get about 1 sec cause god forbid people actually like Aegon and see a human side to him. Ofc Condal said that was propaganda and that Syrax the golden was actually his fave dragon (truly a clown of a man).

On top of that they just pile all the shit on Aegon but ofc we must remember that he is a rapist and we cannot support him. Funnily enough it's made him the most compelling character by a country mile. Actually might be the only compelling character atp.

Aemond is a clown, alicent ditto. Tb are all boring as shit. Cant even include a lil bit of bastard drama for rhaenys and corlys cause obviously she's soooo understanding. YAWN. She's also super courageous ofc. And then there's ofc the stans who will defend anything their fave does cause stan brainrot. Instead of calling out the shitty writing they'll just double down that their fave did nothing wrong (aka aemond and alicent stans mostly, cause i dont even see tb's idiotic takes most of the time)

And its such a waste cause they have this giant budget, it looks pretty and there's tiny glimpses of interesting things and themes here and there but these writers are simply not competent, they're in fact incompetent. Half the show reads as fanfic and i say that with all due respect to fanfic as an avid reader.

then there's also the fact that they manage to create zero emotional connection with anyone so even scenes that are supposed to be good just arent. Like why the fuck would i give a shit about the cargyll twins killing eachother? cause you put some good music under it?

dont even get me started on b&c... i wasnt even planning on watching this season and i heard the complaints about b&c and i thought no way is it that bad. I saw gifsets they looked fine. And then I (stupidly) decided to tune in and I literally burst out in laughter cause the way it was filmed was just comical in places?!?! it was even worse than i had anticipated after the complaints somehow?!

Funnily enough sunfyre's cries were the only time I actually felt a strong emotion watching this show (other than the anger I feel at how bad this show is)

It's funny how people say that f&b bad and a dry historical account and sure but even then George manages to make me feel more about characters with one line that this show manages to do with all the power that a visual medium has.

and let me not forget about this show's sudden need to have its tongue firmly lodged up viserys' ass, what a great king indeed.

AANND then there's the PANDERING to the worst of the d*ny stans (who funnily enough dont even appreciate being pandered to so congrats condal). Rhaenyra is and never will be dany. This show is really written for the sansa will braid dany's hair crowd. Iykyk. Forcing in that friendship beyond the point of reason making the characters just acts stupid, and not in a people act stupid way but in its actually bad writing way. And then having to force in the prophecy even more for that and to give rhaenyra a righteous reason. And lets not forget the white stag in season 1 but sure Condal doesnt take sides Then the addition of the dragon eggs which he finally had to walk back probably cause he sensed the rancid vibes i was sending his way. Its so clear that HBO wants to sell their Boss Queen merch but then actually she's written in a way that's so bland and wants to take absolutely no action that there isnt really anything remotely boss bitch about her, completely coasting on young rhaenyra's personality cause older rhaenyra is again boring as shit. I guess now that she has Viserys' "permission" to rule she'll actually do something but i really dgaf at this point. But sell that merch I guess

Every time its some reviewer saying NOWWW the rREALLY great episode is coming on and every time im disappointed and episode 4 actually infuriated me to the point I had to stop watching and rant on discord several times.

this also never shouldve been the story told directly after game of thrones cause its so obvious how much theyve been influenced by it and writing in response to it, to its detriment. And now I'll never actually get to watch a good version of the dance. And if the viewership keeps dropping i might not see any good awoiaf adaptation again

I thought that after season 1 and the time jumps out of the way they might produce something half way decent but NOPE its somehow MUCH WORSE

Anyway hope Condal gets haunted like Daemon has been. Fuck him and this garbage show.

I havent even touched on everything here and this is completely incoherent but writing something coherent and semi intelligent is just more effort than this show is worth. Anyway call me when a knight of the seven kingdoms comes out, I can't imagine they could fuck that up. But who knows what new depths of shitness we might reach.

at least d&d had the decency to give us a few good seasons

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[the-knight-of-the-stars]

I just finished Mark of Athena and I absolutely loved it, BUT, before I post my overall thoughts, I first feel the need to get two thoughts I have out of the way.

A bit of a warning. I'll spend a ridiculous amount of text complaining and talking about what is probably a deeply personal and irrational opinion but I just need to get it off my chest because it is driving me insane.

First. The thing with Hazel, Leo and Frank was kind of unconfortable. Like idk it didn't pass the vibe check for me. It wasn't a love triangle but it kind of felt like one in very weird way.

Now, I don't date, and I have blurred memories from when I was thirteen, so I don't know if its like normal for 13 year olds to get involved ( romantically or otherwise) with 16 year olds but it felt kind of strange to me, like for me 13 is still a kid and 16 is like a whole other stage of life, right?. Hazel is just like, hagging out with teens three years older than her. Do people her age really do that? (Or should they?)

This isn't exactly a complained about *this book* specifically but I was thinking it while I read.

Now, the other thing probably makes less sense but here we go. *singhs*

So... the part about Hercules. I wasn't a fan.

I know that is an interpretation, and there are many ways to interpret myths, but this one in particular is really bothering me.

It irked me a little since Titan's Curse, but there it was whatever. Now, I really don't like how it was handled here.

Is it me or the story is like, incredibly dismissive of his pain. The characters really take on this attitude of "yeah, we know you suffered and all, but we all did and now you are the trademark asshole of the story."

And like, maybe I'm crazy, but I dont think this is a good case to be so simplistic things. Hercules is arguably one of the heroes that got it worse with how much the god's internal conflicts dragged him under the mud.

This isn't some case of someone just being stuborn because he is like that. Hera made Hercules's life a living hell just for just existing. SHE MADE HIM KILL HIS OWN WIFE AND KIDS. And then he spend years trying to ease his guilt by going on impossible missions under the orders of another man who despised him.

He only got on Zeus's grace after a lifetime of suffering, being puppetired by the gods and finally dying a painful death. So yeah, I would be a little bitter and petty too.

The cult around Heracles is all about strength And it's not just because of his physical strength, but because he survived everything gods and man alike put him through. He was the representation of courage for a reason.

And I really don't see any good reason to potray him like this here. Specially because there seemed to be a lot of parallels between Hercules and Jason, and Hercules and Percy and I really thought they were leading to something. But now I guess those were accidental (? Or for fun or sm.

I don't want to say is a double standart, but is starting to feel a little like it. Or like at leasts like an weirdly handdled anachronism. Applying modern morality standarts to figures from the distant past is anachronistic, and I know the books do it all the time for the story's sake and because well, is fantasy. But in certain cases I can't help but feel like it creates some inconsistencies that I don't understand.

Like, what is the criteria here? Why does it feel like we judge a human more harshly than we are judging, lets say, the gods?

And I may be gettkng a little out of topic here but is not the first time something like this stings me.

It happened before with how Prometheus was potrayed. Why was he, of all greek figures, potrayed like a cowardly traitor? What was the point?

Prometheu's entire myth revolves around the fact that he loves human kind so much that he sacrificed everything for them.

He is one of the first and most important figures who defied and challenged the selfish ways of the gods, and he paid a horrible price for it. He was torutured for years for helping humanity, until another hero finally saved him. AND THAT HERO WAS HERCULES BY THE WAY.

Ok. Am I a little bias because Hercules is my tocayo and favorite greco-roman hero? Maybe, but my point still stands.

Why are we suppose to feel even a little bad for Achelous, the guy who stole a girl to make her his wife but not another demigod? Why is Hercules the asshole for fighting him?

I... I don't get why this was a thing.

Just like... it felt like such an unnecessary judgmental atittude towards him.

Yes I know, at the end of the day this isn't the myths, this is Rick Riordan's own universe and he can bend it to whatever he wants. But you would think that, under his own standarts, Hercules was a victim of the gods as much as any other demigod in the series was.

I don't really have more arguments, it simply did not sit right with me.

Ok, guess I'm done, I'm sorry. I'll post my other thoughts later. It was a great book. :D

[mbat]

i keep remembering a doctor who fic i was gonna write a few months ago but idk if ill ever actually get around to it so im just gonna talk about it real quick

the conception came from me thinking about 10s run, as usual. 10 is kinda the best doctor and thats not even a secret, but im biased for... a few reasons lol

but i was thinking about the end of his run, after he no longer had any of his constant companions. especially the mars episode. i was thinking about him playing god, and how much i loved it. but it didnt get to last long. and i know it would never last long, because its doctor who.

doctor who being this episodic long-running show is a blessing and a curse. and them insisting that the doctor always be good and smart and stuff is also a blessing and a curse.

but anyway, i wanted to lean into the playing god thing.

and funny enough, around this time, i had a dream that had the doctor in it, and the dream was coherent enough to transform it into the plot of the first 'episode' (chapter) of the fic.

i wanted to make the fic limited, as in, it was only going to have 10 or less chapters. each chapter was basically going to be an episode, seemingly contained, but obviously with an overall plot going on that maybe wasnt so obvious at first.

the first chapter is set at a birthday party. why the doctor is there i dont actually remember because i did not write it down in my notes, but the point is that the doctor is there. btw in this the doctor is a woman because its my fanfic and thats obviously a thing that can happen in canon. the doctor like JUST regenerated btw.

at this party, something is off. the birthday girl, by the way theyre all adults here he isnt just at some random kids party, is acting weird, at least, according to everyone else at the party. they all keep saying something is weird with her, but no one does anything about it. after the doctor has done some poking around, the birthday girls mom comes up to her and accuses her of having something to do with why her daughter isnt right, since the doctor is being just as suspicious in this womans eyes

the mom is so stressed, however, that she has to leave, so she isnt there long lol

anyway the doctor figures out that the girl was replaced with a changeling type thing, and when the real girl is found again, shes like 'wtf why is the only person who bothered to find me this absolute stranger?' so when she finds out that the doctor is someone who can travel anywhere anytime, she runs off with her.

outwardly, this girl is very chill and seemingly happy and silly. but over the course of the fic, where episode after episode they run into these situations where the bad guys have a point (but are going about it all wrong,) it shows how much she was hiding within, and how much she was full of resentment and was ready to be cruel because the world had been cruel to her.

in her final chapter, she gets the chance to play god of sorts. an alien possesses her because its drawn to her emotions because honestly its doctor who and shit like that just happens, and it gives her powers that let her take her feelings out on others while the alien saps her of her life like a parasite. she uses this power to trap the doctor, because the doctor is the only one around and has been a voice of reason opposed to her irrational (but understandable) feelings, and shes sick of it, sick of everything.

the doctor has to fight her own companion, and save her at the same time, and save herself from the weird nightmare-ish place that this all takes place in.

because of the whole, yknow, life force sucking thing, the companion is completely exhausted and needs to rest after. these two, if they were sane and normal, would talk about what happened and maybe talk out whats wrong, but they... dont.

the doctor simply says that she will take this character anywhere, anywhere she wants at all, said in a way that says 'lets try going somewhere nice and relaxing and hope it works. i hope it can help you'

the companion, however, simply says she wants to go home. she doesnt say it, but she thinks its time she stops running away from what hurt her, and probably go just get therapy. the doctor does not deny her, and takes her home.

as shes exiting the tardis for the last time, the both of them say sorry to eachother in that sortve rushed simultanenous thing. yknow what?im just gonna exact quote from my notes

"“ill take you anywhere you want, anywhere at all.” the doctor said.

“home. i think its time i finally just... go home.” the companion replied, barely above a whisper.

“of course.”

(time skip to when theyre back at her home)

“im sorry-” they both said simultaneously, looking at eachother for the final time.

“you deserve better.” the doctor entered the TARDIS, and began to close the door behind her. But it didnt close all the way.

The companions hand was holding it open just a crack as she said “you do too.” and let it go. (the fucked up part is that the doctor does try to have better… by playing god.)"

(dont mind the scattered capitalization and stuff, again this is just notes and not a written fic)

so yeah after this the doctor is fucked up, of course, and a mixture of what just happened, and all the stuff that happened before with meeting people who had good points but were going about it all wrong, and honestly just the doctors entire fucked up existence, she kiiinda breaks a little, just for now.

the next place she goes, she goes alone. i actually did not write any notes about this part somehow lol. the point is wherever she ends up, she ends up playing god, taking out her suffering on the poor mfs that she ended up with, but still similar to the mars water episode where she was doing what she thought would be a good thing even though it debatably wasnt, again i didnt write down any details about this part so its up in the air

probably the most controversial part of the fic because i know its a trope that people seem to hate, but i wanted it to end with the doctor becoming human. i personally think the 'powerful character becomes something else less powerful at the end for whatever reasons' trope walks a fine line and can be done wrong and can be kinda annoying but idk i mean

the doctor loves humanity. this is canon. the doctor cant seem to get enough of humanity. the doctor has been through so much, has gone everywhere and seen everything, and has loved so much and lost so much. but the doctor always loved humans.

and after a life like that, and after everything that happened, its basically like retirement lol. living this long, exciting life, and settling down somewhere you always wanted to be, and getting to live the rest of your days in peace (well, as peaceful as the next like 50 or so years of being human could be. 50 or so because the doctor is usually played by someone in their 30s yknow how it is)

and yeah idk lol i thought it would be fun. also all the places theyd go would be in the future and alien planets and stuff because its sci fi and im not a history person very much, especially not someone who wants to try to write historical stuff and then get it horribly wrong because all i did was read the wiki page or something LOL plus i could be way more creative coming up with stuff that doesnt actually exist and didnt happen yknow

so thats the fic idea i had that i probably maybe wont write but i still wish i could, i just keep... not writing or drawing anything lately (which SUCKS btw) and i figured if i get around to anything it probably wont be this sadly

[sophia-raz]

Diary of an Anxious Bitch

I can't live with a fear like this. What can I do if night time, actual fucking night time is a trigger. Night always comes. I can't avoid it like it's orange juice or talk radio. My mind has become a fist that is squeezing every joyful emotion out of my being, out of my enjoyment of being a parent. It holds me down until I'm literally shaking and clenching my fists pleading to virtually every god in case one of them might be real and take mercy on me. It's so idiotic I can't stand it. This irrational mother fucking thought sequence has become the majority of my reality. One therapist told me, the "why" doesn't matter. So naturally I ask, well why not? She says because even if I knew why, it wouldn't help me feel better. Cool....

The reality is right now, I dont want my kids going anywhere or doing anything with anybody. The fear that they'll get sick and we'll have to go through that all over again is ridiculous but very, very real. What am I so afraid of you ask? I've been trying to figure that out. I don't 100% agree with the therapist that told me I need to stop looking for the "why". Don't we need to ask why to get to the root of the problem so we can address it appropriately? The fear seems to be the only thing I can focus on. Every situation is experienced under this deep dark suffocating cloud of anxiety.

I'm a good parent God dammit. I listen, I guide, I comfort, I stay up all night with them if I have to. I just need time to relax. That time use to be once the kids went to bed, but now that I'm afraid of the dark again for reasons other than monsters or dinosaurs hiding in the basement, my relaxation is at an all time low. Sometimes I feel like I'm the kid who needs mom or dad to tell me everything's ok, its all in my head and Im safe and loved. When I tell myself that, my inner dialogue laughs manically and says yes dear it is in your head, but there's no escaping it. BECAUSE YOU ARE YOUR FUCKING HEAD. No big mom and dad bed to crawl into anymore to feel immediately safe and secure. God I miss that.

I want to stop shaking every time the sun goes down. Stop obsessing. Stop this irrational bullshit that somehow has elected itself board director of my mind. It's not enough to know that's the case either. Like, yes, I know you're full of shit subconscious interpretation of past trauma that is feeding my moment to moment conscious experience.  Fuck off already. (Cue manical laugh). Then we repeat the carefully selected mantras and start again the next morning.

Straight up now, I know theres nothing "wrong" with me. So...why does it feel so much like there is? There I go with that WHY again. Life is a big shit show, then one day you die. Yikes, take a breath or 5. Am I ok with that interpretation? No. Nevermind comparing my life to others who seem to have it all together, I would just like to freak out about normal stuff like cancer or facism. Though I'm sure that's next in line if I ever get over this fucking garbage. No time to worry about real shit! Just over here obsessing about stomach flu and fevers.

While I don't personally believe in a God, I envy those who do. That kind of faith brings some security, much like mom and dad's bed. Funny I panic about these things that are so ridiculous but can't believe in something equally ridiculous. How selective of me. If you have faith and don't use it as a reason to hate or hurt other people, hold the fuck on to it.