#i don’t think I’m being irrational
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Okay, two things. First can you pick a lock? And second, maybe feel your face for scars or something? Since your bathroom has no mirrors
The door knob doesn't have a keyhole. I’m looking around right now to see if there’s anything I can use. I’m not crazy right? This isn’t a hospital and if it is, it’s not a normal one.
No scars. None. The appendectomy scar is gone. My face feels normal, a little dry though.
I’m- I am me, right? God, what a question.
#janet drake#janet drake rp#maybe i should just wait a little longer?#for them to reach that specialist they told me about?#i don’t think I’m being irrational#i don’t think i can trust t them#i feel like i sound insane#tim drake#batman and robin#batfam#batman#dc red robin#dc#dc universe#dc comics#dc rp#dc robin#dcu
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can. could. could I be their thir-(gets shot by a sniper)
#txt#relationship full of insane people i think that’s beautiful#I forget how popular these two are but that was like 3 years ago right.#I don’t have to be afraid of people right .#I know it’s irrational but like .#I think I’m just having the fear of being a fem presenting gay man and something something im ruining thier gay relationship.#<- not my words I’m just ( scared for life )#points at self . man . I hope that helps .#I’m confident in my gender presentation and being gnc but sorry ( scared dog )
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I’m so normal and not overthinking things rn :) I’m the normalest human ever
#I WAS FUCKING LATE TO WORK TODAY BY 2 FUCKING MINUTESSSSS AGHHH#That means any bonus this weekend I don’t fucking get it#bullshit#because my car battery died#and I literally ran to work since I live a couple blocks away#THE WORST PART IS I COULD HAVE JUST TAKEN MY MOMS BIME#*BIKE#IM A FUCKING IDIOT#I’m so pissed it’s not funny#I’m getting irrationally angry#I feel myself getting worked up#I need to calm down#what happened already happened#I can’t change it#this was my first time in three years ever being late#this will ruin my life#I’m feeling sick thinking about it#i have this really irrational fear and obsession about being early and on time for things#where if I’m late I have to stop myself from full on crying mental breakdown#Im having such a hard time not loosing my mind#it’s ok#I have to make it ok#and my managers and everything weren’t mad or anything either#they said they get it#but they aren’t the ones who controls the bonus it’s my boss#and idk if she’ll let it slide
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re last answer: please don't stop, being very unhinged about these two pretty white boys is helping distract me from the sharks losing streak rn so bring it on
https://www.tumblr.com/bondedpairs/764566430180147200?source=share
(sideblog woes but there's the link for you) anyway in the vid they talk about going over to each other's houses to have dinner and things and while that is a delicious example of their codependence i love it bc through an rpf lens there is definitely some old man ******* going on. they can have the dilfs and each other.
(someone else mentioned kept boys which i could write an essay on but i fear being Perceived™️)
anyway if you have anything to add to this please do, if not ignore me and i will hide under a rock until the stress-related insanity has worn off and i am a functioning member of society once more 😂
- @bondedpairs
ty for the video!!! and please, WRITE THE KEPT BOYS ESSAYYYY i promise i will read it with my hands over my eyes if you don’t want to be perceived. do it scared!! do it anyway!! we’ll all love you for it!!!
#like. i don’t know how to explain how narratively aware will smith is to me. he knows he’s being put into the codependent rookies arc.#he’s aware that zeev buium transforms into a dog. he knows that he and mack aren’t getting together because mack’s gotta work it out first.#& in a less unhinged way i simply mean that will smith has an air of both self-conscious thought & projection i think is maybe fascinating.#but not in a way in which i actually know this or think that he thinks about himself and how he comes across. he just Is Something ????#the best way i can explain is one of my alltime favorite fics i use it like a shorthand citation bc i love it so much but catchascatchcan’s#many worlds universe but specifically the second tk/pat story second person you the ouroboros spits out its tale nolan walks off screen.#like that is the kind of narrative awareness i am trying to explain that no matter where i put him will smith knows he’s inside a story but#not in a way where he’s trying to do anything to it. he’s just present there. this makes no sense to me either please understand#liv in the replies#bondedpairs#happy to have brought you something in your times of woe!!! also hope things get a little less stressful for you!! <3#we’re 2gether p much 24/7” no go on i say in my nature documentary voice. watching them like bugs under a rock rn observing from a distance#this DID get me to actually watch the video. agreed with puckpocketed saying rich text and ur tags like. YES the daddy issues popped out.#just wants to make sure he’s having fun!! checking up!! mack the prime irritance in will’s life!! foisted off on one another w/ no choice#it’s like when your parents are friends so then you have to be friends with their kids in a way and then also like. you’re the only kids#close in age to each other but they’re NOT but it is definitely not like. i would choose you for any lifetime it is very will smith hockey#(once again) very aware he has to wait for mack to settle down. like now that i’m saying this i DO want clairvoyant will smith which is not#where it goes in the first half but just in the sense of like. those silly posts that are like ‘invested early in stock!’ & it’s a picture#of braden holtby & his beautiful bisexual wife brandi back when holts was a hipster who wore skinny scarves & now everyone thinks he’s sooo#like that but it’s will smith saying my god you are insufferable but you’ll be fantastic in five years. get in the fucking car.#(yes i am drawing extensively from the one picture where will has COMPLETELY tuned him out (there is a football reasoning reference here?#with the patriots? neonfretra drew this also but it was a tweet about the teams. there’s layers to this here ANYWAY) we’re building a life#i realize after the fact i addressed neither the dilf (gilf?) fucking here nor the content of the actual video & polycules to which i say:#brain scrampled egg. the burnsie/joe/patty/(pavs???) polycule just exists to me and the kids intersect the venn diagram but in a much#smaller portion than they intersect each other in both ways (will/mack joe/the guys)#also as for the content of the video. you’re gonna have to give me at LEAST (how long did it take me until i actually started posting tzjd?#i hate that this is my metric but it really was like. i see everyone yelling about them & i’m like ok. [please ignore the irrational hatred#i have for tz at the time it has to do with moritz seider and also whenever i see him on the ice something awakens in kill mode] and i DO#blame tzjd for my 800 drafts and it took me like. a good while before i finally went OH kay. i see it. okay i can get invested. horizon at#a 45 degree angle moon in the late waxing gibbous winds scented of orange & blowing S by SW from the vortex cycle etc etc ass conditions)
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this sucks this sucks this SUCKS
#blue chatter#literally NOTHING IS WRONG#nothing weird is happening this week besides being busier than usual tomorrow#which is perfectly okay and I can handle it#but I’ve been having increased frequency of dissociative episodes and intrusive memories all week#I don’t necessarily think they’re flashbacks? bc I know where I am in real life and that it’s not real#but I’ll remember the same traumatic thing over and over again#and it’ll just spin like a broken record in my brain for hours#or my body will lock up and I’ll get flashes of something new I just remembered#and I’m not dissociated because I am *so firmly* in my body but I can’t fucking *move*#because if I move then I’m not safe or someone will be mad at me or smth. idk. I know it’s irrational.#I would really like it to stop#I want a break
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good lord my brain is running laps and i just wanna knock it out and get some goddamn sleep
#apparently just bc I figured it out my brain still isn’t gonna chill out#now i’m stuck between do i communicate and embarrass myself#in hopes that it calms down the fears that i’m already aware are probably irrational#or do i do my best to ignore it and hope my brain chills out on its own soon#and that in the meantime i don’t do my go-to moves when i overthink something#which are running away or getting mean#(not like. mean mean. but snarky. and a little harsh and irritable)#bc no one has done anything wrong!#myself included so far!#my brain just will not let go of this stupid fear#and it’s the same fucking fear that has haunted me on and off through every era of my life#i WILL NOT isolate myself or push people away that’s wildly counterproductive#and honestly i find it mind boggling that that’s even a response bc IT MAKES NO SENSE#anyway everything is changing and it’s fucking me up big time#there’s too many things changing all at once and tbh i’m fucking terrified#and this just happened to be the thing that finally pushed me into ‘cant fucking deal with this’ territory#and nothing has even changed! it’s all in my head right now!!!#it’s so fucking frustrating to know something intellectually but your emotions are off doing their own shit#‘you can’t think away emotions’ I CAN FUCKING TRY#it comes down to fear and anger at that fear and anger at change#i’m so angry and there’s nowhere to direct that anger#being angry at a concept or the very passage of time is just so unsatisfying and annoying#*change as a#personal#i’d say sorry for the vent posts but i can’t afford therapy so#and this is the next best thing
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Manager of the house came in today. He was shouting out what my weight and BMI were so everyone in the house could hear. I asked him not to do that and he said he was sorry and he didn’t realise it would make me uncomfortable.
Afterwards he was in the dining room when me and other residents were on the sofa at the other end of the room. He loudly complained about me being upset by him shouting out about my weight and then continued to shout out my weight and BMI was and also made a lot of really squirm-inducing remarks about my prescribed meal plan in front of everyone.
The staff here had a training session about how to approach eating disorders two weeks after I moved in because when I moved in they literally knew nothing. I really don’t know what they got from it.
#also staff go on and on about dieting skipping meals step counts and demonise my few safe foods and aaarrrgh#I know EDs are complicated but I would have thought it was common sense to maybe not go on about these things to me#or maybe I’m expecting too much#personal#thoughts#oh I kind of want to move#but there is nowhere else in the county and other places will probably be even worse#ed recovery#anorexia recovery#eating disorder recovery#also about my depression the manager said why don’t you just think positively?#thank you I never thought of that#that’s so easy to do#and it transpires that staff have been lying about me#and I don’t think they like me at all#but maybe I’m being irrational#I don’t know#help#sorry I’m exploding in the tags#everything is awful#mental health#supported living
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they should invent a me that doesn’t have an irrational and intense reaction to bugs or the very concept of cleanliness.
#emyrs.txt#it’s not all bugs i’m in fact super into most bugs it’s one in particular. that makes me start having breakdowns#i so wish i was being hyperbolic i’m not. having to talk myself down from a panic attack bc one was On My Bed#can’t even name the fucking insect bc i feel like ill manifest it into being or some shit.#hey guys i don’t this is normal i think im actually mentally unwell. surely its not common to have this intense of a reaction.#it’s less about the bug i think and more about what they represent. like the very concept of uncleanliness. i’m so frustrated i just want to#not think about this but i can’t. and every step of the way involves me rolling my eyes at how fucking insane i’m being.#worst part about being irrational is when you know you’re being irrational but u still can’t stop The Rituals.#ok. bye. i need to. cry maybe.
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Bitches be fighting (it’s the head children 😘☺️)
#just pav things#We love it when they start yelling at each other 😌#Though there’s only really a select few that yell in this sort of accusatory way and point fingers and I’m thinking of Idyllia!#I did another take on the end of arc 2. Or maybe it’s a continuation of the existing developments#I don’t think she would take very kindly to the two boys having their mini-argument right in front of her (who would?)#And she would ESPECIALLY not take kindly to Dism calling Inigo a. y’know. murderer ✨🌈#I think she has some inner empathy towards Inigo even if she doesn’t say it yet (they both know they share similar feelings towards Archie)#They both feel like they failed Archie and wear that on their shoulders (albeit in complementary ways)#Of course this is Arc 2 and they’re still offput by each other. it’s uncomfortable to look at someone else and see yourself.#So she would slap Dism for his callousness :))) and then berate them both for their self-absorbed nature#Very in line with how she yells at Archie in Arc 3 for much the same thing :3#She perceives it as cowardice in both situations ✨ Dism being unable to admit he made a mistake and Archie unable to get over himself#and finally reunite with his brother instead of stringing things along#She gets angry because she dislikes that quality in herself :3#Anyways it’s fun to see how the head children react when they’re upset ❤️#Dism loses all tact and will say anything that comes to his mind. Very snide in his wording.#He loses his inhibitions and lets his shadow side come out to say what he ‘really’ thinks about others#Inigo who delicately holds himself together 24/7 struggles under duress and becomes irrational and hysterical#Jumps to conclusions WAY too quickly#Archie who hates himself more than anything is able to bear pain without lashing out#He directs his pain inward. He was never one for fighting.#Cynthia becomes very quiet and teary and unsure of herself. A stark contrast to her normal demeanour ✨#And as for Archie’s kids. Theon becomes very aggressive and physical (violence is the answer >:3)#Luna would just burst into tears if you made her upset :(#And Ewan takes half of Dism’s approach and half of Theon’s#Which honestly explains why he gets into so many scrapes. 0 conflict resolution skills ✨✨✨✨
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spider in room but everyone else is asleep so no one can help me :/ panic time i guess lol
#having scary things in my room is fun because i get to play the game of “which phobia am i MORE scared of: being around lifelong phobia of#mine OR the phobia of leaving my room and risking Being Perceived”#right now it’s the second one :/ which is pretty funny given that every else is fucking ASLEEP so there’s your proof that phobias can be#SUPER irrational lmao#but also my arachnophobia isn’t the worst like I’ll avoid places where spiders were near recently but i can still sometimes watch videos of#them sooo. yay for me lol? this isn’t true for other bugs (yes ik spiders aren’t bugs but my phobias don’t) which sucks for me because the#second most scary one is viewed as beautiful by most people and so many people love them. noooooo thank you. number one most scary aren’t#talked about but idk why they’re super common. and terrifying and OUT TO FUCKING GET ME. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS RUN *AT* ME#bugs love me. if i think about their existence too much i will have a panic attack. this is not a good relationship.#except for silk moths specifically. Ive never seen one irl and are still a little scared but i have a dnd character who loves them so same#ALSO BEES. I love bees. Not scared at all beyond like a normal reasonable “don’t fuck with them” kinda thing. bees are great i love bees#most of the stingy ones I’m ok with individually actually. i dislike the massive loud swarms of them but on their own they’re cute lol#(also to the bug and/or spider lovers i am not a kill bugs kinda person if this is worded weirdly that is because I’m having a fucking pani#attack please be nice)
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Just thinking
#I’m good at balancing enough to feel like. pleasant normally. but fuck I hate being reminded of just how deep my disordered thinking goes#I rly don’t know how I’m gonna like. heal in the long term#like obviously I’m gonna try but like#I am so desperately adverse to receiving more than very minimal help from anyone#and half the time I don’t even know what would help#the fucking knots I tie myself into are so convoluted and impossible that I kinda feel it’s better for me to just handle it#I don’t know how to be helped. I barely know how to be cared about. I fear that nobody will be able to handle whatever it’s gonna take#to break through all of that shit#like fuck man I don’t even remember how to cry about shit#I probably still need to cry over my moms stroke but it feels stupid now bc she’s fine#i don’t know what to do about that#I never thought I was a self hating kinda guy I thought I was pretty self neutral#but literally the bare minimum opening for shame or for feeling like I’m failing can snag me#even if it’s completely irrational#ugh.
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#miles thots#tw suicide#hate suddenly being suicidal at 1am#i don’t think i’ll do anything. i’m fine as long as i can recognize that i’m being irrational#i don’t even know why#i might just try to sleep to be safe
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having anxiety sucks bc sometimes i can’t tell if i’m overthinking or if my anxious feelings are valid
#like am i reading too much into this?#is it a sign?#maybe i need to take a moment to breathe and think it over#but am i thinking about it too much?#maybe i don’t have to worry about this it’s probably no big deal#but what if it is and i’m ignoring the signs?#am i being too selfish and not considering their pov?#should i be taking this personally or not?#am i being irrational?#the best thing to do would probably be to talk to them#but what if it gets worse!!!!!!!#sigh#tw anxiety#ani’s stuff
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like. all the movies left on my movie may list are movies that are either sooooo long (2 hours. i am just so bad at watching movies rn it’s embarrassing) or just don’t really seem like something i’d like. or both. most are both. yes i wanted to watch atonement i’m sure it’s a great movie i’m sure it looks beautiful i’m sure all those actors i like are really great in it. unfortunately it just seems like a movie that will make me want to start clawing my face off out of boredom i’m sorry kiera knightley… god this just blows. flop ass movie may. where’s this years crimson peak 😒
#i’m sure i would LIKE kill bill if i watched it. unfortunately there is a mental barrier between me and that movie#i think i just have an irrational fear of watching movies i’m supposed to like because i feel like i won’t like them. or i won’t Get It#hence why i’m always watching the worst things you’ve ever heard of. i love the underdog i love niche i love weird genre movies#i cannot though being myself to sit down and watch a movie that has been recommend to me by everyone and their father and won awards and has#like a 96% on rotten tomatoes and everyone loves it so much#unfortunately in my experience movies like that tend to hate women so much it’s unwatchable but like i know that can’t possibly be the case#for every movie that’s popular and well liked.#i just can’t seem to do it though. wish i could. i don’t think it’s within me though#beth.txt
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i don’t like. the irrationality created by memories
#ive spent enough time pouring over information and reading studies and making sure i know damn well how this disease works so that at least#it’s not some unknown enemy and becomes something i can understand#which is fine until im crying and shaking in my bathroom over it potentially being in this damn house once again and at this time of the#year where specific anniversaries of horrible milestones come back to haunt me#and i haven’t been fully present in going on two years now but these last two days have passed obnoxiously quickly and none of it feels real#it’s been a long time since i haven’t known the hour much less what day it is#and i can tell you about blood vessels and symptoms and all the ways this disease can function in and destroy the body but it doesn’t make#any difference when nothing feels real and i had to check what day it was and got the date wrong for the first time in years#I’m also defaulting to hyper-rationality which hasn’t happened since middle school and isn’t. a good sign#it’s just a replay of a lot of memories i can’t forgot but this time it’s not just memories and has a very much physical component which is#worse. I think. by far.#and then there’s the repercussions of this where I have to see if my brain will allow me to anything#i can hope i can still go to work and everything because i do love it but last time this happened i wasn’t able to walk into any building#without having to leave#so. I don’t know. not to mention things that don’t have to do with school or careers?#and rationally i should be asleep at the moment because sleep is so so necessary right now but that’s the one thing I’m really struggling#with right now#i don’t know. it’s just a lot and I don’t appreciate the added layer of ‘time is a circle’#there’s other things I have to deal with and work through that are more irrational than research vs trauma response but will probably be#harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever#im most upset about things pertaining to a career has been messed up and that i can’t celebrate chanukah with my family#because everyone else can think about christmas but im losing my winter holiday#im just. anything that isn’t empty is scared and angry and bitter just a little bit#vent tw
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i don’t have therapy until like the 17th and i just wish parker was back online so i could talk to them about this one thing that is been bugging me so incessantly because they always get my problems and don’t fucking judge me for it :/ and now i’m crying over this because ofc i am
i want to be able to need someone in my life and for them to want me back. i just sound desperate and needy and insufferable whenever i ask for something i want/need and it drives me up a wall
#i know they are happier offline and it’s only been a couple weeks but i just really need to talk to them sometimes#they understand more than anyone else#they won’t think i’m being weird or irrational or unserious and i don’t know who else to tell this to#i just wish things could be easier than they were right now because sometimes it is SOOOO fucking hard#maybe i need to channel these emotions into writing this weekend
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