#talked about but idk why they’re super common. and terrifying and OUT TO FUCKING GET ME. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS RUN *AT* ME

[steampunk-raven]

spider in room but everyone else is asleep so no one can help me :/ panic time i guess lol

[thechangeling]

Ok so a conversation @littlx-songbxrd and I were having made me remember something I was ranting about to a friend of mine once.

Brace yourselves this is going to be long. I'm sorry.

The sexism, homophobia and racism of the shadoworld straight up doesn't make sense and here's why. So if we start chronologically with the infernal devices. There is sexism towards Charlotte right? People don't want her running the institute and they don't want her becoming the consul because she is a woman. But the Clave has no problem letting women train and fight. This doesn't really make sense in my opinion.

Now you could argue that it's because they believe woman can be string capable fighters just not rational thinkers. Which is weird because in my experience you don't meet a lot of people who are "partially sexist" in that way. Like if a man believes a woman can't do high profile, high paying jobs then they usually also don't want them in the military. Anyways moving on, there aren't any mentions of homophobia in TID, mostly because they're arent any queer characters except Magnus and Woolsey.

But something interesting to point out is that none of the characters who know about Magnus and Woolsey ever comment on it really. And following this point, none of the mains display any signs of misogyny either really. (Except for what Will says to Tessa at the end of CA but that was because of the "curse.") You could argue that this is because they're the protagonists so they are supposed to be better then that. But accidental microaggressions are pretty common especially during that time period. More on that later.

Moving onto racism, this is the interesting part. Jem says to Tessa that shadowhunters believe that you are a shadowhunter first and your nationality or eace second. Actually Jem doesnt mention race but he says this while talking about being half Chinese so it's kinda relevant. Shadowhunters rarely tall about race throughout the books in general except for a few instances. When Jessamine criticizes Jem to Tessa, she calls him a foreigner and says some other racist shit that I can't really remember. Something about the yin fin and calling him lazy. That directly contradicts Jem's statement about them all being shadowhunters first. Also Will and Jem actually constantly talk about being Welsh and Chinese in the books so that statement is kinda bogus in general.

And if CC didn't want her mains being sexist or homophobic to show them as good people then why was it ok for both Jesse and Gabriel to say questionable shit about Jem? Anyways moving on to TLH. Sexism is still running rampid with their cultural customs and people being shitty about Charlotte being consul. Bots have to ask the girls to dance, girls cannot have sex before marriage or else they will be ruined or whatever you know the drill. But again, they let the girls fight. Cordelia is allowed to carry around a giant ass sword but she can't get some????

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE CASSANDRA!!!!!

Sorry I'm losing it. Anyways. Regarding racism. Alastair and Cordelia have experienced micro aggressions from the mains (Matthew and Anna) but it's never addressed. I'm pretty sure if memory serves, the inquisitor makes a nasty comment under his breath about persians when the Carstairs family sans Elias arrive. And then we have the whitewashing of Ariadne/Kamala by her parents.

But none of this stuff ever gets brought up really. Exceot for Kamala talking about her past and who she was before and sharing her original name, but she still doesn't talk about how it effects her potential coming out. Alastair doesnt mention race when he talks about the bullying he went through at the academy and none of the white characters ever stop to think about how Kamala and Alastsir's races play a part in their crappy situations.

There's probably more I could discuss with this but I'm moving on to homophobia. It's a thing in terms of the heteronormativity and people's judgement of Anna but it's not illegal like in mundane societies at this time. But all of the mains are totally cool with it which brings me to, I'm sorry but fucking bullshit! There is no way every single adult would be totally fine with it in this time period. Like I'm not saying outright homophobia but maybe some questionable comments you know? (CC is perpetuating this idea that good people never commit microaggressions which is untrue and harmful.)

I don't think there's any mention of whether or not gay marriage is allowed in the shadowhunter world at this point. Because the issues surrounding Magnus and Alec getting married were about Magnus being a warlock right? Because Helen and Aline got married before them in TFTSA because she was only half fae. So that brings me to when was gay marriage legalized in the shadow world?????

Is there any mention of this because I don't think there is? Anyways moving onto TMI. This is where everything goes to absolute shit in terms of world building with the standards for these things. Misogyny isn't really a problem in tmi anymore from what I remember. Nobody has issues with Jia as consul (from what I remember,) and that's that. But homophobia is still rambid throughout shadowhunter society so much so that Alec is terrified to come out because he believes that he can't be gay and be a shadowhunter in peoples eyes. Also there is pressure to "carry on the family name" which doesn't make sense because if the sexism has died out then women can have babies with whoever and not even be married and carry on their family line. And not everyone needs to have children, ergo there is less pressure on the sons to carry on the family name or whatever. This also doesn't make sense because homophobia literally cannot exist without sexism!!!!

This is because of colonial gender roles being forced on society. And men being with men and women being with woman totally smashes the whole gender roles, "woman do this and men do that" idea. There's more that I could say on that but this is already so freaking long so please just look it up. And speaking of gender roles it's literally mentioned that Maryse didn't teach Izzy to cook because she didn't want her to be forced into a housewife role like she was (although there's no evidence to suggest she was?) But then Maryse is lowkey homophobic?

It doesn't make sense Cassandra!!!!!

CC doesn't get that you literally don't have homophobia or transphobia without sexism. Indigenous societies pre-colonization didn't care about any of that stuff. Literally two spirit people were revered and respected and no one gave a fuck about gender until my ancestors literally came along and ruined everything. (I'm so sorry.)

But anyways there's no mentions of racism amongst the shadowhunters in tmi. Just Maia talking about her experiences with mundane society as a black girl. When Clary confronts Valentine and basically calls him a n*zi, he laughs at her and basically says that shadowhunters don't see race the way mundanes do which yikes @ CC. Granted this was 2007. This kind of sounds like what Jem said in TID. Only it clearly wasnt true.

Anyways I'm just super confused at this point. In TDA there was basically nothing in terms of all the isms and phobias. (Oh we arent even discussing ableism because my fucking head will explode!) But we do discuss transphobia a bit with Diana. But again it doesn't make fucking sense because transphobia exists because of sexism and clear gender roles (and homophobia.)

Society is still shown to be pretty heteronormative though which I guess makes sense but the Blackthorns have multiple queers in their family! You would think that they would be less so. When Livvy mentions all the reasons that Annabel could have a forbidden love she doesnt even think to mention that it could be a lesbian relationship. When Mark finds out that Jaime was in Dru's room he freaks out but I guarentee you, he wouldn't have if Jaime was a girl. I mean you could argue that it's an age thing and not a gender thing but idk. That scene always bothered the fuck out of me. Because Mark is literally half fae like why is he caught up on bullshit "boys and girls can't just be friends" hetero bullshit.

In QOAAD we see Dane Larksoear being sexist so randomly for no reason. Like it's so strange because CC literally created a caricature of a sexist villian with him. And it makes no sense because no one else seems to feel the way he does. Like Zara is basically the leader of the cohort right? And nobody gives a fuck. It makes no damn sense Cassandra!

And finally, why is the faerie world sexist with gender roles WHEN EVERYONE IS LITERALLY BISEXUAL AND THEY'RE FAERIES CASSANDRA!!!???? THEY'RE LITERALLY FAERIES WHY IS THERE A CONCEPT OF GENDER AT ALL CASSANDRA????!!!!

Ok lol now I'm done. Sorry this is so long. But yeah I'm so confused.

Tldr: CC's world building in regards to sexism, homophobia, racism and transphobia is very inconsistent and contradictory and it makes no damn sense.

[acloudofsparklingdust]

please fucking help me. my sister (15 female) just came out as “trans” to my entire family including me at dinner. she’s a lesbian and obviously mentally ill, she’s extremely depressed and has a history of self harm/ suicidal intentions and all that shit. i saw this coming, but i’m shocked at how my entire family jumped to support her and now calls her a male name and refers to her as a male. I don’t know what to do, i explained my beliefs to them regarding transgender people, transition and how dangerous it is and how life ruining hormones and grs are but they refused to listen to me, called me transphobic and even went as far as to guilt me for “abandoning my family” because i refuse to play along. how the fuck do i make them and her reconsider this before she fucks up her entire life and body? they’re making me go to “family therapy” to talk this out but i’m scared the therapist will just reaffirm her beliefs.

I am going through the exact same. It is disheartening, terrifying, fucking mind numbing at times. Sometimes all I can do is sit in my room and cry for my sister. For fear of the life she'll have, for fear of what she'll do to herself.

The advice I was given is to play along, to try and get close to her, try to make sure she feels like she can trust me (which she can), make sure she knows I love her and prioritize her.

It's hard. I've learned to either completely avoid these subjects or argue about them, and it's hard to turn on the faking mask, to pretend this is fine, that I agree with it. I have such a gut reaction to just cringe away, it's hard.

But the idea behind trying to be accepting is that it's easier to do an inside job on this. If your sister feels seen, heard, understood, with time she may be more open to your worries. Honestly I don't see myself going along with a name change or a pronoun change even, but I think I can play that off as "what's in a name, names shouldn't be gendered" blabla.

I know and you know you are coming from a place of love and fear for her integrity. But all she knows is what the internet tells her about terfs. She won't understand, because she won't listen to you past the initial gender criticism.

So coming at it from a liberal pov might help. Try to make her understand that you care about what she cares about. Tell her about how you think gender roles are bullshit, about how you agree that everyone should be able to dress and act the way they feel is right. Make her see you have a common goal: freedom from gender shackles.

Try to use her language (liberal language) to explain your point of view. If you, like myself, have ever struggled with dysphoria, tell her about that too. Commiserate on how suffocating femininity is.

And then when she knows she can trust you, express your fears again. Tell her about detransitioning rates, about how surgeries have been proven not to alleviate gender dysphoria, tell her that she isn't alone, that she has you, that what she's going through is common and normal.

If she won't listen, at least tell her about how she can be "a man" without going through hormones and surgery. Remind her if she feels like a man, then why should she reject her own body? She can be whoever she wants to be in this body. Tell her her body isn't a commodity, it is her.

Make her feel loved, not judged. I think that's our only shot at getting through to them.

About the therapists... My sister's psychiatrist was actually very sober about this whole situation, and actually mentioned detransitioning rates for teens, and suicide rates for trans individuals as reasons not to pursue medical transition rn. I think not all is lost, but idk how it is over there versus over here.

Honestly this is a super raw subject for me, and I personally feel completely lost and isolated in this experience. I wish you and your sister the best, I really hope time will heal this and she won't go down this self destructive path. Take care. Reach out again if you want, I'd love to commiserate about this privately.

[busanality]

(💌) : non-sexual intimacy ⌦ a lil brainstorm of scenarios & ideas i wanna include in my works • (cw: nsfw)

bath scene: for the love of god a bath scene doesn’t always have to involve sex. it doesn’t necessarily have to be aftercare. it doesn’t necessarily have to be pregame. write a god damn bath scene that’s literally no sex related

(i’m thinking out loud now but: character A and character B have been dating for a while so the whole feelings field is a little rocky rn because they’re in the process of falling and even though they’re already used to being intimate/have sex almost regularly but this is completely a new step into their relationship. terrifying as fuck btw. but it feels fucking good)

of course it also works with showering together! no monkey business though i’m watching you -__-

body painting/portrait painting: okay like everything that’s gonna be here these two are super cliches but for real i cannot think of anything more intimate than character A painting on character B’s back. the POTENTIAL here oh my god. also, character A painting a portrait of character B! it could be just as intense.

the key to write non-sexual intimacy is focusing on the details. show body language. make every single interaction count—every brush of hands, every time their eyes meet. make them be close and feel each other breathing.

thinking out loud again, but character A coming close to character B to focus on their features... to try to understand them. and character B just stands there a few inches away and they probably chuckle at first and get a little nervous because of the proximity and the silence but it fades away soon enough and the only thing they can think about is what character A might be seeing right now. what character A might be seeing on them and why there’s nothing but adoration in their eyes.

healing wound scene: another cliches. bc i love cliches. this one has so much potential like character A’s vulnerability exposed at its most while character B is trying to heal them. there’s so much forced (?) proximity here. a whole lot of breath descriptions to be done. hesitant stares. gentle caresses. use it all. also works with character A taking care of ill character B!

DANCING!!! everything about dancing!!! slow dancing!!! and it doesn’t have to be a whole idk waltz scene in the middle of a fancy ballroom. it doesn’t have to be grinding on e/o at a club (though it’d be a huge challenge to try to write that without making it sexual—sounds interesting). just make character A be cooking or washing the dishes or cleaning up their house and then character B goes and wrap them from behind and starts bouncing from side to side (yes i said i love cliches and i stand by that). and i repeat: they’re not. having. sex. they’re both tired after a very long day at work they had sex this morning before showering together omfg just let them dance make out in peace WILL YOU?

fixing e/o’s hair: it’s a way of creating intimacy from the very start. it seems shallow but there’s so much potential here, especially when you’re trying to create tension while the characters are still kinf of pining after e/o. add a little denial of feelings there—yk, the usual character A is struggling to admit they like character B and the sudden action makes them squirm under their touch and the proximity and the way they’re staring at each other and so on and so on—and voila! that’s how it all starts.

alternatives are: 1. character A noticing character B is cold and trying to help them warm up; 2. character A noticing character B’s clothes are a little messy and fixing it for them; 3. the bolder (and more likely to fall into plain sexual tension so take it as you will) “you have... wait, lemme just—” *wipes sauce away from the corner of character B’s lips*

playing with e/o’s hands! another super innocent but demostrative gesture please we love hand holding and hand playing in this house make sure you give your characters lots of those make sure their fingers always find each other they deserve it.

going out with friends: sharing a group of friends/having friends in common is almost essential for a couple. and it’s so special y’know, seeing the way you fit in that person’s life. and so imagine character A... slowly fitting into character’s B group of friends... and they’re a little shy at first but they end up finding themselves more and more comfortable around them and when they notice it just feels natural to be there and there’s where they notice how close they’ve gotten. like, when they’re already comfortable around e/o and it’s getting late the’re all just chatting as they drink or just hang out and character A is discreetly caressing character B’s back and character B leans against them and for a moment even though theire friends keep talking they lock themselves into their little bubble, character B asking character A sweet, caring things like “you okay? you tired? wanna go home? you having a good time?” and their friends /notice/ but they remain unbothered bc it’s just so normal for them to get like this when they’re together and--*breathes* so much potential here. ao3 tag domestic fluff (my favorite if you didn’t tell already)

having inside jokes!!! UNDERRATED!! there’s nothing more natural between whatever kind of relationship you are building than having inside jokes. like when you are with people and there’s something that reminds you of /that/ time with /that/ person and you start laughing and you wanna explain the people you’re with rn why it’s so funny and why you’re laughing so much and they might even chuckle a little but they just... don’t get it because that’s something that only /that/ person would understand. because it’s something ///yours///. and you just laugh to yourself and think... “they would be laughing if they were here.” and then the next time you see /that/ person the first thing you say is “ohhh the other day this happened and it reminded me of you.” and that’s just—beautiful. that’s fucking beautiful.

📝 on a side note: that’s all i got for now, i’ll keep updating this constantly. this is something i /really/ want to work on so i’m not too experienced yet and my ideas are still a little... non creative—let’s say. lmao i KNOW this is full of overused cliches But hopefully i’ll keep exploring and finding new stuff to add here! hope it’s useful!

[literaphobe]

that's so AWESOME, being a polyglot sure as hell is hot! and such an advantage with korean fanart! If you don't mind, which one is your favourite (for writing, speaking, listening)? When talking, do you alternate between the three of them?? Which one do you think is the easiest? Any anecdote involving language?? How do you got interested in learning korean?? i don't know, id like to read more about it asdkdj

hehe sometimes i see the korean spop art n comics on twitter and they will have some like english translation and i will feel like an insider because i will look at the original korean one and know what it Really says 

also! english is the language i’m technically the most proficient in? but when i speak to family n friends who speak english and chinese i tend to code-switch! it is fun and also my parents used to make me terrified of chinese because they would scold and belittle me constantly for not speaking it well when i was like in my preteens to teens (even tho it was their fault! for almost exclusively speaking english to me because english proficiency is an advantage and is prioritized in my country). but my mom now admits i speak chinese well <3 i don’t necessarily know all the words but whatever i say tends to come out nice <3 also with korean.... mmm its hard to get opportunities to speak it because i don’t know anyone who can speak korean with me <3 i feel very shy about using it <3 there was a period of time tho when i spoke korean to my dogs for fun it was funny 

between english chinese and korean..... it’s interesting because english and chinese both for the most part follow the SVO (subject verb object) sentence structure, whereas korean follows a SOV (subject object verb) sentence structure. BUT english and korean both have an alphabet (its why i learnt how to read korean in like! idk an hour i’m guessing) whereas chinese does not </3 its a... [big sigh] pictorial language. so each character is some new fucking picture you gotta learn. SUCH a bitch in oral examinations because sometimes u will just come across a word that u don’t know! never seen that shit before! so u don’t know how to read it <3 so it’s like a guessing game where there is every chance you will be completely wrong <3 so sometimes u gotta fucking <3 pretend the word doesn’t exist <3 or make up your own pronunciation <3 i remember sitting in a hall once with two of my malay friends and they were moaning about how scared they were because what if they pronounce stuff wrong :( and i’m like aw :( well :( but at least u have an alphabet :( which is like the same letters as the one in english :( that’s like safer right because how wrong can u go? and they’re like ok but u see :( the word could be said slightly different as compared to how its spelt :( and i’m like oh <3 that must be so hard <3 

and the thing is u see. they learnt exactly how much easier they had it. because our school had this program where they made the chinese students learn malay and the students who spoke malay, hindi, tamil, basically everyone who was not chinese. they had to learn chinese </3 and that was honestly like a racist hate crime, because after class my friends would come up to me on the verge of tears like. michelle :’( HOW are you doing this. chinese class is so scary we hate it why must we memorise every new character. and me, who got second in class for malay (the ONLY reason why i didn’t get first was because i forgot what ‘yellow’ was in malay. and now i will always remember it is ‘kuning’. anyway my malay teacher was BEAUTIFUL and she told me i got full marks for reading because i said everything perfectly. i did not understand a single word of the malay passage i was reading <3) was like i am so sorry :( you do not deserve this :( 

anyway its a hate crime to make a person learn english and chinese because imo those are two of the most different languages in the world :) its why white people fucking suck at chinese. and honestly so do most chinese american like. actors. ever seen a movie where they speak chinese? most times they are speaking it horribly <3 anyway, learning korean was really interesting because of how it strengthened my chinese! like, because a lot of korean words came from chinese (there are korean words taken from japanese too. because. well. lmao) and the korean alphabet was literally invented because traditional han characters (written chinese) was too fucking hard. even the chinese people realized traditional chinese was too fucking hard and decided to make simplified chinese. like make those pictures less complicated! 

the reason why i learnt korean was because. of this korean variety show called running man. it is the most internationally recognized korean variety show. so what this show is is like. there is a main cast made up of actors, singers, and comedians. and they are forced to compete against each other/team up to achieve a common goal, through playing various games and stuff with a final objective that involves someone winning/getting punished. it’s a little hard to explain, but they’re like an irl found family trope (while also being fictional? because they essentially play characters on that show that are like exaggerated versions of themselves) with EVERY AU ever. like seriously think of a concept they’ve probably done it. high school, super powers, super heroes, aliens, college students, olympic athletes, sherlock holmes, james bond, chess, etc etc etc. so an example of this would be like the staff will tell the members “this week you are the drama department in the high school and you are competing against the athletics department to determine who is the best club in the school” and they’ll have to do it. and sometimes the cast gets really into the theme of the ep and its really funny when they gotta Act to sell something. anyway they also have this game which the show invented called ‘nametag ripping’ so essentially on their backs everyone has a name tag stuck to their clothes with velcro and you have to rip off the nametags of other people. the cast in this show has incredible chemistry so the banter is amazing and very funny. i also have to admit i additionally liked the show because two of the members had this ‘best enemies, best collaborators’ chemistry that i found very compelling and fun to watch. so i started learning korean so i could get what they were saying without subs ie watch the show live. and i guess my parents found that impressive which is why my mom constantly nags me to learn more languages. which. is not gonna happen because i have adhd <3 and the thing about me is. i won’t say i’m a genius. but i can do anything so long as i want to do it. its the worst superpower to have <3 so anyway. that’s why i know korean i guess! sorry this is so long 

[drewwwbydoobydoo]

If you're feeling up to it, why not just answer all of the 65 questions from the ask list?

Ok here goes haha

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Yeah for sure, but at this point I just figure I can’t do a whole lot about it so I’m just rolling with whatever is the truth (basically the same thing as us maybe being in a simulation, I don’t think the answer really matters)

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? Like 4 or 5, I’m very scared of the dark tbh I get super paranoid sometimes

3. The person you would never want to meet? Mike Pence

4. What is your favorite word? Exuberance or effulgent

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? A maple tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Bleh

7. What shirt are you wearing? A gray shirt from a hackathon I did last year

8. What do you label yourself as? A creative, a student, a future teacher, a lesbian, a human

9. Bright room or dark room? Bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking to my dad about child psychology

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 18

12. Who told you they loved you last? My mom

13. Your worst enemy? The US government

14. What is your current desktop picture? A drawing that someone did of a mountain landscape

15. Do you like someone? Yeee my partner!

16. The last song you listened to? Rollercoaster by The Orion Experience

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? The dictator of the US

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Same as #17

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Same as #17, and I would just try to fix as many things that he’s done as I could lol

20. What is your best physical attribute? I really like my eyes! They’re gray and I think that’s pretty cool

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I feel like honestly I would look approximately the same, or like my brother lol though we already look pretty similar. I’d just continue existing, idk I don’t think I’d do anything differently cause gender is funky

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Yes! I can write in a whole bunch of different fonts by hand really easily (like I can switch between fonts without having to write slower or think too much about it)

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Ok so like I’m really afraid of small heights but not big heights. For some reason heights like doing a ropes course or trapeze absolutely terrify me but I’m totally fine like on a tall mountain or in a plane

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. Maple tempeh with hummus, avocado, tomato and lettuce on wheat bread sounds 10/10 rn

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? I’d donate it to the Transgender Law Center

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Hmmmmm I wouldn’t go on a plane because we’re still in a pandemic but theoretically if this were a normal time I’d probably go somewhere in Canada

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? I don’t drink alcohol so I’m good!

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Freedom of speech (with the exception of hate speech)

29. What is your favorite expletive? Asshat, mainly cause I think it’s kinda funny

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? My laptop, I have too many photos and files that I don’t want to lose

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Getting blackmailed by my brother

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Canada here we come!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My cat, Clara. She was the absolute sweetest being that has ever graced this planet, and she was my only true friend for many years

34. What was your last dream about? The commune that I lived at last summer

35. Are you a good listener? I think so? I try to be, especially since I took some workshops in nonviolent communication and how to be a better listener and I think those were really helpful!

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? No but I probably should have been

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah

38. What is the color of your socks? Light blue

39. What type of music do you like? Idk a lot of stuff I guess? Musical soundtracks, indie rock, pop-rock, etc.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets!!!

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Vanilla (boring, I know lol)

42. What football team do you support? Idk any sports teams :/

43. Do you have any scars? Yeah, many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? I mean like theoretically I would love to be a painter but realistically I’m gonna become an elementary school teacher

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Bruh how tf do I choose just one??? Uhhhhhh honestly I would get rid of my uterus I don’t want it and it just causes pain

46. Are you reliable? Yeah, very

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? Which career path do I end up on?

48. Do you hold grudges? Yeah, only about big things though

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? I’d breed cats and rabbits together to create: cabbits

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? One time me and one of my friends were laying on the floor of our dorm’s common room and we were talking about a bunch of fucked up stuff we’ve done (like not necessarily bad things, but just like those weird, “are you ok?” kind of things)

51. Are you a good liar? Yeah actually! I don’t know how, but I'm a really good liar if I genuinely want to lie about something. 

52. How long could you go without talking? A very long time. Singing would be a drastically different answer though

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? When I first cut my hair short when I was 16, it was just a very awkward length and I didn’t know what was happening

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Yeah I actually baked one yesterday

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can kinda do a southern accent

56. What do you like on your toast? Vegan butter and roasted garlic mmmmm

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? Roman Sanders lol

58. What would be you dream car? I’ve always wanted a light blue convertible, like as long as I can remember I’ve had this very specific car in mind that I know I’d never actually buy but in theory would be very cool

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Sometimes I sing in the shower, also I used to sit down while showering lol

60. Do you believe in aliens? Yeah, I don’t have any specific theories but I think there’s probably some other intelligent life out there

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Not really

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? E

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons

64. What do you think about babies? Amazing, I was one once

This was fun! Kinda therapeutic tbh lol

[makeste]

some asks about BnHA 241 and 240 and then some random other asks

I agree with this completely, anon (especially given his attitude throughout the rest of the chapter), but I didn’t edit my initial response since I think there’s a good likelihood that he still deadpanned the line despite being 100% sincere. one could say he was Accidentally Sarcastic. anyways yeah, Todoroki Shouto is a disaster more at 11. 

(but also, he’s totally right and Bakugou is in full-blown denial over their blossoming friendship. because he already decided that they’re Not Friends, and thus he has to actively work to maintain that status now. which Todoroki is making very difficult these days! can you fucking do your part to keep the fucking rivalry going, Icy-Hot?? can you at least try?? why does he have to do all the work. sometimes he forgets for a moment and Todo catches him off guard and he responds normally without thinking and doesn’t realize it until later, and god. why is everything and everyone so stupid.)

I have not forgotten (though I did mix up Pixie-Bob with Mandalay though woop)! and that annoyed me too. we only have like six female pros out there as it is. why do half of them (looking at you too, Midnight) have to be mildly sex-crazed. I know it’s not serious and they’re not actually being serious, but still, is it really asking so much to get some female pros whose eccentricities are less specifically tailored to common male fantasies. you’re a fucking hero Pixie-Bob! you’re a fucking earthbender and you’re hot as heck. why are you so worried about not being able to Get A Man. with Mt. Lady it at least fits more with her general personality from what we’ve seen, I guess. anyways, y’all know I love like 98% of this series, but this is part of the 2%, so. it is what it is.

Tomura is Endgame Thanos, a.k.a. the most sinister and most genuinely frightening of the Thanoses. this really isn’t on track to end well sob.

ah, my bad. (regardless, it was still dramatic af.)

I think she’s a six-year-old (?? she seems six-ish, idk) girl who was terrified of her father and trying to stay under his radar (which was frankly the smart thing to do based on what we’ve seen), and was trying to teach her younger brother how to do the same, and I don’t blame her at all for throwing Tenko under the bus (if that’s indeed what happened); I’m sure she just panicked and didn’t mean it. she’s just a kid. -- was just a kid. anyways she was super cute and would have made a fucking awesome hero, and her death is easily the one I’m still the most raw about out of that whole fucking nightmare. I’m not getting over that. I want her to still be alive; at one point I was convinced of a conspiracy theory that AFO had secretly spared her too (because two Shimura heirs to manipulate are better than one), and Tomura only believed that she was dead due to his fragmented memories. but that seems less likely post-chapter 236.

so yeah, I’m still very upset about this. she was good and kind and loved her brother and had a lot of spirit and she did not even remotely deserve what happened to her.

thank you so much!! one of the best parts of fandom is interacting with other people and reading everyone’s different takes and theories. lord knows I miss a lot of stuff when I read, even when I’m trying very hard to pay attention. so I love when other people point stuff out and bring up ideas I hadn’t thought about.

also! without exception, every single person I’ve ever interacted with in this fandom on tumblr has been polite and courteous and civil as fuck, even on the occasions when we disagree, and I absolutely can’t take credit for that. people are just cool. so thank you everyone. (and particular shoutout to @thequietmanno1, who for some reason I can’t tag, but whom this ask is almost certainly referring to specifically.)

lmao anon this made my fucking day. thank you!!

all right, here goes!

a) this is possible for sure in that as a rule, I never put anything past AFO, and I don’t doubt for a second he’d be capable of this. but, it would kind of suck though. specifically it would suck for Tomura, who’s only just starting to come into his own at long last, and who has gone through quite a lot to get to this point. like, that would be devastating to see him reduced to a literal puppet after all of that. and if it did happen, I don’t know what the odds would be of him actually being “saved” after that (All Might at least would try, but I can’t see anyone else being concerned enough to bother. well except for the rest of the League, come to think of it. that could be interesting), and I’d be really sad if that ended up being how he went out. these things usually don’t end up working out too well for the body snatchee.

plus, this also hinges on whether or not AFO is capable of transferring his quirk to Tomura’s body. if not, there’s no way he’d take the tradeoff, regardless of how powerful Tomura’s own quirk has become at this point. that would just be a really bad deal. like trading the cow for beans, except these ones aren’t even magic beans, just like. normal beans. but if he does have a way of transferring the AFO quirk, then yeah. although he could take anyone’s body then if that was the case, and I can think of a few targets who just might be even more tempting than his protege. All Might’s protege, for one. ...you know what, this line of thinking is starting to get a little too horrifying so let’s move on to the other theory lol.

(b) a few people have mentioned the Shimura Momo theory to me, but to be totally honest, I can’t see much of a logical basis for it other than them bearing a slight resemblance and having similar hairstyles. Inko has also been brought up as potentially being related to Nana for the same reasons. it’d be cool, no doubt, but for me, I need more evidence than just that. I just don’t see how this would advance the plot or the characters’ storylines in any meaningful way. I guess it could potentially tie Momo in more to the central plot, but it’d be kind of a weird way to do it, idk.

then again I’m one to talk, because until fairly recently I was on board with Hagakure of all people turning out to be a Shimura (Hana, to be specific). she’s the traitor, she’s invisible, we never did find out what Hana’s quirk was, and this would mean that Hana was still alive this whole time which would be GREAT, because seriously fuck you Horikoshi!! but yeah that doesn’t seem likely now either. dammit.

anyway, so I’ll just say that both of these theories are possible, but for me personally, in order to be sold on a specific theory I need to be able to see how it logically fits within the storyline and how it moves the story forward. like, Dabi being Todoroki Touya is something I’m 100% on board with, because that’s an established mystery in the series (who is Touya, what happened to him, who is Dabi, etc.), and Dabi fits into place with the evidence we have, and it gives us a lot of Todoroki drama and gives Endeavor and Shouto a personal connection to the Leagu... Pliff. but for something like the Momo theory, I would need there to be some indication that there’s a third sibling we don’t know about, and some hinting about there being more to Momo’s past than we know, and right now I don’t see either of those things, so it’s hard to get on board. hopefully that makes sense.

anon I really like that you phrased this as an inevitability lol. (and I am 100% on board.)

assuming this happens at the very end of the series, I like to think Tomura and the rest of his gang will manage to “escape” the heroes (“oh no... Tomura... he’s getting away... this is awful... somebody stop him” meanwhile no one is making even the slightest effort to move lol), at which point they will live the rest of their lives happily ever after as Lovable Outlaws and All-Around Scamps. like, maybe they’ll still commit some crimes, but they won’t be like serious crimes or anything. they’ll have more of a Guardians of the Galaxy vibe, maybe. I want them to be happy and I don’t want them to go to jail even though they’re teeeeeeeechnically murderers, I GUESS (look, nobody’s perfect!!). but maybe they steal the occasional priceless artifact and inadvertently wind up saving the world. seems like the best compromise.

lol I don’t know what this means either. like in the way a Youtuber has their own brand?? or like Frito-Lays. idk all I really do is talk a lot about an extremely popular manga, so I don’t think that’d really count?? I’m fine with this just being a little tumblr discussion blog haha.

so I’ve gotten like a half dozen asks and messages about this lol. (someone actually told me a very specific detail about said past! so just to remind everyone, I’m spoiler-free on Vigilantes right now guys, I’m sorry. I know it’s no fun.) I regret to admit that I still have not yet gotten around to it. I don’t know what it is, but I’m having a lot of trouble reading new stuff right now. I tried to start the other new BnHA spin-off which @temperatezone told me about (and btw no I did not know about it, so thank you!!) (and also! BnHA has THREE SEPARATE FUCKING SPIN-OFFS right now, how fucking crazy is that. like, I don’t want to accuse a manga series of literally trying to take over the world, but!! seriously that’s just insane), which has an amazing premise, but I haven’t had time/been in the right mindset to start that yet either. it sucks. I’m sorry. I’m working on it. ;;

press f to pay respects to what could have been, guys. they literally had it all. class, an ironic acronym, you name it. and now it’s just PLF. the Iron Patriot of villain organization names.

[inkdrinkershadowsinger]

Thoughts/Background Goblet of Fire

What kind of creepy graveyard is this? Skeletons crawling over one another? Snake hidey-holes? Is this Nagini speaking or can she hear Voldemort from that far away? This just shows how fast she is as she moves along the ground here. Literally, we have here the Angel of Death equipped with wings and a scythe, which normally the Grim Reaper carries.

One light on in the caretaker’s house which is right next to the family graveyard? We are assuming that this is the Riddle estate, correct? Wealthy families like that would have had a family graveyard near their home. Also, that house in the background, Riddle Manor? Is super big and though it is dark looks grandiose.

The house here, looks well lived in, but at the same time, almost like it has only recently been inhabited. This is a kitchen, but it looks like there is a shovel on the wall, and only one light?

Still, only one light on in the main Riddle house. Wormtail can’t even draw a curtain? Dang.

Those are some old fashioned keys. I understand that this is a Manor or whatever, but this takes place during the nineties? No one thought to update the locks on this place? Frank mentions, “Those kids”, like people breaking in has been a real problem. Why not update the security? Also, who has been paying for the upkeep of this place? Lucius? Some secret Dark Lord Corporation? Is that why they are old school? Because we all know that wizards like to keep everything super, super, super old school?

Seriously, who is keeping up this place? The topiary is amazing!!

He looks like he is walking up a sort of backdoor entrance or servant’s entrance.

He is the caretaker for the grounds, but can’t dust a little? That clock needs a good one.

The light wasn’t muted because no one was casting a lumos, they were simply using a lamp that had the fabric bits removed that dampen the light.

The way that Barty is smiling when Nagini perches herself on Voldemort’s chair is fucking terrifying.

Ron’s room really is all orange. Such a fanboy.

The Burrow is in such a great spot. The little pond in front, the trees, the openness. The house itself is incredible. Still, only one light on. Whose? You can see the group walking away. That has to be Mr. and Mrs. Weasley’s room. Or Ron forgot to turn off the light, again.

They are all having to run to keep up with Mr. Weasley because he gets his cardio, bitch.

Mr. Weasley is rocking that straw cabana hat because he knows Muggles son!

Such a beautiful shot!

Did they travel through a worm hole here? I know the director or whoever had to make a creative choice in how this was going to be portrayed, but…. Idk.

Everyone is flying around, the arena is clearly segregated into Ireland’s colors or Green, Red, and Yellow, perhaps hinting at the final score of the match? Nice job, filmmakers.

What is this guy juggling? It looks like toy merecreatures almost.

Orange is the Weasley families favorite color. They’re just owning it at this point.

The pitch looks like it is in the inside of a volcano or a mountain.

Some people have seats right on the grass of the pitch? So, if the Weasle’s have bad seats at the very top what would the very lowest seats be classified as?

Who knew that a job qualification for Professional Qudditich players is the ability to adequately throw and spark fireworks?

Krum is a showoff.

Those are omnoculars? What Ron has to his face?

The way that they were all packed in together, it’s a wonder the whole place didn’t burn down with all the incendios they were throwing around.

They are all wizards, underage or not, and this is a life threatening situation, and yet, no one is firing back at the Death Eaters?

Okay, so everything did get torched to the ground. None of these tents had some fire retardant?

That amount of spells coming at the trio.

That style of hat that Crouch is wearing has got to be some ministry trend. Wait until they all hit the trucker hats in the 2000’s.

That Dark Mark is really cool.

I love her hat though. It looks like something that would have been worn to the royal wedding.

Seeing the train is always stunning.

I love the collection of sweets here. Colorful, to attract the youngins.

This is a really colorful movie. The third one was very muted while still being stunning. This and the next one experience with splashes of color that are just beautiful.

They are passing a big lake in the background there. Out of the window just looks wild and remote.

He addresses it clearly to Sirius Black. Is that a qualification for the owls to know where they letter needs to go or do they just have to have been there before? I need to know the specifics of owl travel.

You get to see the whole scope of how large not only Hogwarts is ,but the grounds, and I love that.

You see Neville in this first sequence as they are watching the other schools arrive as well as Fred, George, Ginny, Colin, Harry, and Hermione. Angelina Johnson is in the background behind the twins.

The sails on the Durmstrang ship looks like it is decorated with a two headed dragon. Is that the symbol for Durmstrang?

So while Dumbledore is chatting, Hagrid and Flitwick are behind him chit chatting.

There are two levels to the head table in this movie. The main folk are sitting at the higher table. Snape is leaning against the wall, not directly related to them at all. I bet he hated first days at the school.

Snape is one hundred percent mimicking Dumbledore’s speech for a hysterical Flitwick in the background.

The bald guy behind Dumbledore looks asleep, straight up.

Are butterflies the symbol for Beauxbatons? That would be very interesting. A creature that transforms completely into something else.

Hermione and Ginny are the only two who know what’s up in this shot.

Dumbledore was giving Madame Maxime eyes.

Filch is just standing dead in the middle of the Durmstrang wizards.

He is still standing there when Krum and Karkaroff walk in.

The kids so promptly follow Dumbledore’s instructions even though some of them are probably embarrassed about having to sing the school song.

But not Harry James Potter. He is living for this song.

Again we get so many shots of the school in this movie.

You can see the house point containers behind Dumbledore’s head.

You can see them again after the goblet is revealed.

Is that a tower of marshmallows?

OMgosh! The sky acted up when Crouch Jr came in because Hogwarts knew that he wasn’t who he said he was!!!!

The cup is so primitive looking compared to the container that is in.

It almost looks like each layer was created by a different faction of the wizarding world as a whole. That could definitely be a fanfic.

The perspective starts on the Durmstrang ship which again features a dragon.

Cages, nets in the background of the DADA classroom.

There is also a lot of glass and mirrors in the room which almost makes me think of a fun house where you don’t look like yourself in any of the mirrors which is super fitting for Crouch Jr. at this phase.

Why does Hermione look so suspicious already?

And what is the use of all the bugs, Crouch Jr. you sick mother f-er.

Who needs fifty overflowing worms in a jar?

Dean Thomas is straight up rocking a composition notebook from Walmart on that desk. He is representing Muggle culture at its finest.

Crabbe is wearing a ring. Is that his heir ring? That would be interesting as we see the younger generation start to really get pulled into the war in this film.

The portrait on the stain glass crying. We have all seen this, and appreciate the majesty.

We love a rain soaked Robert Pattinson.

Everyone is just watching the battle between the twins and Hermione.

There is no other light in the Great hall except for the Goblet? Dumbledore does love his aesthetic.

Snape is like, get me out of here.

And that display of power is why all of them dang kids sing that dorky song.

Who is Cedric kissing here as he goes up to the head table?

The cup is like the opposite of the Goblet of Fire. It is shiny and bright and new while the goblet is ancient looking.

You can see Harry’s scar quite prevalently in this shot.

The Hogwarts trophy room. I have never connected this before. It is huge.

Karkaroff has gold fillings.

What are the spinning trophies and where can I get one?

One light on in the top part of the castle.

Pensieve memories are blue, and the Goblet’s fire is blue. Coincidence? Fic writers, you tell me.

The suns on the curtains in the boy’s dorm is a nice touch.

Ron has a homemade quilt. I bet he gets those for birthday gifts instead of the infamous Christmas sweater. Molly Weasley is a boss.

What are all of these trophies for? I bet Dumbledore keeps all the ones that the various clubs and groups have won over the years.

Magical cleaner?

The scope of Hogwarts is amazing.

The owlery is literally covered in bird shit, like every inch. Dumbledore clearly instructs Filch not to clean it to deter frisky students.

Is that a cat on the stairs there?

I can’t ever decide if the Common Room looks too big or too small, here.

Harry talks about Voldemort so casually. But I guess if someone tried to kill me year after year we would form a sort of familiarity.

Those cabinets in the back are filled with board games. Bet me. Gryffindors are notoriously bloody, and game night, gets wild.

I bet Neville spends a lot of his time in the lake just researching and studying all of the different plant life.

Neville cares not at all for the drama behind him. He’s just like, “Give me the plants”.

I love that bright orange flower. Hagrid ain’t no fool. He knows how to get the ladies.

The mist in the background could almost be taken as fog, but then you think about the dragon’s and it literally could be smoke.

Hagrid representing all of the men who are shorter than their women.

There looks to be about six dragon handlers here.

They are carrying branches or their wands lit with fire at the end. Is that to confuse the dragons? Make them think that they already covered that area in their territory and are thus safe?

The handler on top gets bucked off the cage. He is done with this job.

I’m sorry, but those badges are ingenious. Do we know in the movie that Draco is the one that made them or is that fanon?

Those Hufflepuffs are nasty.

The sculpture that is seen in that scene in the courtyard looks like the same one that is present in Half Blood Prince. Do they also move around the castle at will?

Harry pushed Draco, and that guy in the back is like, “Yes, let’s have a fight.” Then he and the other guy straight up bounce when Moody pops on the scene. But Goyle is ride or die. Or maybe they ran and got McGonagall because she came really quickly???? Hmmm??

The walls are all green and lightly moss covered. Gorgeous.

Like, is there a legit list of all the things that teachers cannot do. 1. We do not use Transfiguration as a punishment. 2. Trying to main or kill students is expressively forbidden. 3. Flashy robes are allowed and encouraged. Share in the glorious pattern of life.

Crouch Jr. should have been shitting his pants at being at the end of McGonagall’s wand.

Again with all the mirrors. So, Crouch Jr. can make sure that his transformation isn’t slipping?

What are the faces in the mirror here?  

All the clues were there, and I didn’t see a single one. This movie and book is a masterpiece of plot. Plain and simple.

McGonagall was like, “Let’s not have the arena with the dragons so close to the castle, eh, Albus?”

There is a bed for each of the champions in this tent. Could no one transfigure a couch?

They have punch and muffins in the background. “Lime punch before you fight a dragon?” “Sure.”

I never noticed that blue in Madame Mazime’s hair. I love the school spirit that she is showing here. Dumbledore seriously thought of mimicking her. He would look bomb with a tie die beard. Convince me otherwise.

Filch is featured spectacularly in this movie.

The trunk at the bottom has a red cross on it, making this very likely an emergency tent that just so happens to double as the waiting area for the champions.

Colin made that sign for Harry.

I feel like that chain, oh, I don’t know, could have been magically reinforced or something.

How does his glasses stay on? I bend over, and mine are on the floor.

Even Draco here is like, “Come on, bro.”

Snape knew he should have stayed in bed.

So, does the waterfall seen here does that fall into Hogwart’s grounds as well because that would be awesome for field trips. My love for this ancient, magical castle in the middle of nowhere is unmatched.

Where was Seamus during that challenge? I did not see him.

The picture of the woman in the far left is very striking.

The Black Lake is a huge expanse. I always think of it as kind of small, but it is massive in this movie.

The pastries in the back are floating along the table. So cool.

Mrs. Norris just chilling, waiting to see these pitiful humans embarrass themselves.

Why can’t they have healed Harry? I understand the look, but dang, people continuity.

Neville has got them shiny dancing shoes. Augusta was very pleased when Neville asked her to buy them for him.

Hermione is a queen, and she knows it.

There is that semi circle of stone again from the third film. Hmmm….

Ginny’s friends are coming in with the support. Love a squad.

There was fruit on that table. I always wondered if they got snacks and what not during the daytime, between meals.

What was the need of carriages if the ball was held at the school?

Ron waited until last minute to even try on those robes or he definitely could have worked something out.

Owl sculptures are supporting the fires here.

Krum is dumbstruck by our girl.

Somehow she loses Krum to argue with Ron.

Is that couple making out at the table?

People are dancing in the hallway?

A gaggle of girls are crying on the stairs. Every middle school dance ever.

I’m telling you, whoever designed this cemetery had a very messed up imagination.

Neville stays out all night long. It is morning coming through that window. You dog, you.

Half of the allure of going to Hogwarts is to get to become a prefect and use that bath. Let’s be honest.

Crouch Jr. hates his life right now.

All of those books are like represent my best life.

Half of those students are like, “Yeah, no, you took all my money last time.” Because let’s be real, no one bet on Harry, and Fred and George scored big time.

Those top tiered placed have got to be enlarged with wizard’s space because they are quite small, and the whole school plus the two others are expected to attend each trial? Yeah, not big enough it seems.

Harry is a show off.

Seamus is wearing Hogwarts merch. Like where did he get that? A catalog? Gift shop in Hogsmeade?

You can see the merpeople’s ancient village here, or hints of it. Archways, etc.

Fleur looks legit worried here. Like Harry was right to not trust Dumbledore to ensure their safety when he can’t even tell Fleur who is out of the competition by this point that her sister is going to be okay.

Why are Fred, George, and Ginny right next to Malfoy and Co. for this shot, shouldn’t they be at odds? Or was that the best spot and neither were giving it up?  Or plain movie making reasons?

Harry is wearing a wand holster on his leg. Fanfiction writers catch all the details.

Seamus is like, “I am Harry’s hype man. I will keep him from getting hypothermia.”

Why did Hermione turn French here for that line?

Rescue….. that’s a strong word here, Dumbles.

Crouch Sr. is such an interesting character. He knows what it is like to lose a family, and he has his guard up because of that. Their story and their family is so interesting to me for some reason.

I think that’s the closest that Crouch Jr. gets to breaking character.

If you were born in the nineties you had at least one of those jackets that Hermione is wearing here, and if you had more, you had them in several colors.

Who bewitched Mad-eye’s eye? It is a very powerful magical object in its own right, right?

Please see my post about Sirius and Azkaban.

As soon as Snape is mentioned Crouch puts his head in his hands because he knows Dumbledore is going to have to have a say.

Dumbledore is looking so closely at the details that he misses the bigger picture in Harry’s dreams and Moody’s actions.

It’s so weird that Snape has a storage area for ingredients near Dumbledore’s office. I bet that Snape has several storage areas spread throughout the castle.

Snape could have just looked inside Harry’s mind, and be done with it, but no….because plot.

Neville is carrying yet another plant behind the trio here.

Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle are so carefree here that you almost forget that the happiness of youth that they have at Hogwarts is about to go extinct just like Harry and his friends. All of the kids in this story face a sharp change in perspective after this book.

I like that Harry has fake Moody, Krum has Karkaroff, Fleur has Madame Maxime, but Cedric has his dad because he gets to say goodbye to him.

The maze is just a massive headgame.

Do you think the reason that Fleur ultimately becomes close enough to Krum to ask him to her wedding is because Krum sought her out and made serious recompense for him being imperioused while in the maze?

They are just resorting to brute strength there at the end. The maze making them forget that they are capable wizards. A jelly legs jinx probably would have had much the same effect.

Angel statues I get, but this big dementor, grim looking thing holding the bones of Voldemort’s father. I just don’t get it.

Cedric gave Peter a chance to speak or stop, but Peter again took the cowards way out, and blasted Cedric before he really had a chance to fight back. What a punk bitch.

I’m glad that you are forced to choke your own self Peter because you deserve it.

Voldemort’s transformation here is both stunning and horrible.

The Death Eaters come out of the Dark Mark’s mouth.

Their masks here are different then the ones used earlier in the morning.

Voldemort is snatching their weaves here, and I love it. Stupid klan robe wearing wizard Nazis.

Voldemort puts his foot on Cedric’s face. Like, son, you need to pay for that privilege.

A lot of the Death Eaters here look like they have like staffs. I don’t understand.

A Death Eater in the background is litearlly clapping when Voldemort makes Harry bow, like get a hold of yourself, Hershel.

The statue, again, in the background presents such a striking image as the two duel.

The spell that Crouch Jr. urged Harry to learn is the one that saved Harry.

Harry just wanting to physically protect Cedric’s body with his own. Just heartbreaking.

I’ll never not sob when I hear Amos Diggory sob, “That’s my son! That’s my boy!”

Fred and George look to follow Crouch Jr. and Harry out. Do they tip off the professors?

Doesn’t Crouch know what it is like to stand in Voldemort’s presence? He was just babysitting the man, I mean, dang. Fangirling is one thing, but you have business to handle.

Don’t insult my Neville. I will throw down.

The mirrors are gone at this point. It looks like Crouch has almost packed up because he knows that he will no longer be needed.

Not his blood, ahhhhh!!!!!

Snape puts such flourish into his casting. That scene at the carriages earlier in this film. He looks like he is rearing back away from Karkaroff, but he is merely preparing to cast one fanciful, flourish of a hex on the man.

Just stick your face in the crazy Death Eater’s face, Harry. Great thinking. No wonder Snape doesn’t hold your intelligence in high regard.

We don’t get one look at Professor Sprout. This boy’s Head of House?

Look at all that magical cooperation, and yet, none of this was used in book seven, or any book after except for mentioning Fleur married Bill, and Harry learned a little tidbit about the Deathly Hallows symbol from Krum.

I love this film. It is stunning, and truly made me a diehard HP fan. I don’t think I will ever really tire of it.

[serenagaywaterford]

Literally felt my heart drop when June told Serena she couldn’t love because she didn’t know how and she just turns around completely broken down in tears because she knows it’s true (& she blew it with the only person who could’ve shown her what that kind of love really feels like, and that person is now standing in front of her and telling her she wished she had let her burn) GOD idk that monument scene felt like volatile anger covering deep hurt

“ volatile anger covering deep hurt “

“ volatile anger covering deep hurt “

OWWWWWW. you are so right on, anon! well, i hope you are anyway cos that’s exactly what i got from that scene as well! to me it was so incredibly obvious that they’re trying to hurt the other. i mean june is 100% justified in her rage and it’s not like she said anything that isn’t true, at least on some level. and serena’s behaviour certainly points to her having no understanding of what love is. but also, and what it’s particularly interesting, is serena’s isn’t completely wrong either. i mean she doesn’t come out and say it, and who knows if it really would have made a difference, but she’s gutted that june didn’t stay with nichole. GUTTED. i personally thought that she got over that betrayal of trust back in 3x01 with that whole explosion/hug, but watching back it seems to be a common thread. june was literally the only person she trusted in the world and she broke that trust. so, serena--as she does constantly when hurt--lashes out in every way she can to make june hurt, push her away, and make herself stop hurting as soon as possible.

and i mean, i hate to KEEP coming back to this addiction metaphor thingie i’m stuck on, but there’s often a thing where you see addicts vehemently claim they love their children/spouses/family, but their actions are completely opposite to what love should be. which is serena right now. i don’t think they are incapable of love but they appear that way because of how much their own personal needs overwhelm absolutely everything else they value. addiction and trauma psychology is difficult for most people to really sympathise with because it seems so incredibly selfish and narcissistic. but i do not think she’s a narcissist. i think people throw that term around way too loosely and ignore the underlying pathology and symptomatology present, especially with fictional character and limited knowledge of their background, etc. It’s really easy to throw around impressive sounding diagnoses on random fictional characters, but those are based on such limited scope of the character. we’re only really being shown on TV what’s important for the story, for drama’s sake. but that’s all beside the point i was attempting to make lmao.

serena is acutely aware of the atrocities of gilead. she knows it’s fucking horrible. she knows nichole should NOT be with her. she willfully turns a blind eye to everything bad and it’s just disgusting. she’s a macro example of the type of thing that happens on much more personal scales every day all the time. and serena in many ways represents the worst parts of all of us. there was a really neat little thread on... insta? youtube? reddit? i can’t remember where it was “serena is me when i...” or something like that. and there are a shitload of traits all of us share with serena, and we hate them about ourselves but often also deny we have them, so when shown in technicolour on a screen we can hate them out loud. it’s cathartic in a way.

but anyway this does tie into the june thing, cos june is NOT that different from serena in many ways. they’re two ends of the same spectrum, or even two sides of the same coin. and i don’t think all the imagery and set-up in the show to compare and contrast them is accidental. nor is the reason they have the most intense showdowns. the light/dark, hero/villain, writer/editor, virgin/whore, all sorts of dichotomies that are antagonistic but also some that are complementary. if i wanna get super pretentious into my psych degree, i’d wager (street cred, not money! i’m not THAT convinced) that serena is almost set up as june’s shadow. so when we see them face off, like they did in 3x06, like they have in 3x01, in 2x13, in 2x10, in 1x10, etc etc. (this is an ever intensifying movement. it started in 1x01 and has progressed slowly to this blowout. what’s interesting is the stakes and in the intensity increase is direcly correlated to the strength of the bond between them. the MORE attached they become, the more fierce the results. an escalation in how much they can hurt each other based on how much closer they are to each other.

(and i mean i’m not just talking physical proximity either, although this scene particularly played on a lot of physical symbolism)

june fights serena exactly the same way as serena fights june. they’re impulsive, and emotional, and very intent on just wounding each other. june’s completely and utterly betrayed and terrified for nichole. (i mean, i don’t wanna get into how stupid it was for her to trust serena ever in the first place and how part of this devastation is because she thought she was so clever and such a great manipulator. she completely underestimated serena’s emptiness, fred’s manipulations, and overestimated her own prowess.)

this idea of trust, and broken trust, is a keystone. neither june nor serena would have trusted each other in s1. s2 slowly built that up (and then fucked with it), then rebuilt it again. i can’t imagine s1 serena EVER in a million years, standing in front of june in tears talking about trust in her. nor, june from s1 to serena. that concept would be as asinine and alien as a belief that the next day america is back to normal like nothing happened.

now, okay, serena could just be making an excuse to pass blame onto june for why everything is happening the way it is. and really it’s only about her own selfish desire. sure. that’s fair. not out of character either lol. (although side note: i think part of serena’s whole problem is she doesn’t trust luke, she doesn’t trust anybody except june and herself with that baby. cos she’s an idiot lol and doesn’t WANT to trust. but also she’s just fucking delusional and obsessive.)

but to me personally, it didn’t feel that way this time. it didn’t seem that way. but, again, i have blinkers on when it comes to serena and june sometimes, lmao. like you cannot hurt someone like that, using such intimate, personal attacks, unless you know them and are close to them. and those attacks don’t land so heavily unless they care about you too. it’s a lovers fight. and whether you want to ascribe some romantic notion to that, or just look at it as a symbolic sort of love, or even familial, platonic, that’s anyone’s choice. they’re both in tears, screaming at each other about trust and love, and finally landing furious, devastating hyperbolic blows on each other.

sorry about the length! for some reason this browser isn’t letting me insert read mores.

my point was that scene was great (inevitable really) and that whole “volatile anger covering deep hurt” isn’t an accident. it’s not something that is borne out of indifference or sheer callousness. it comes from a much more intimate place. and man, is it juicy af.

[sweetlittlehawke]

Keep Moving Forward

It’s December. Yknow what that means! Let’s reflect on the year. When I made  a post like this last year, it was a hopeful thing. I was excited about the coming year, because I was excited that I’d finally met some people I could hang out with. I love Alea and Brooke to the moon and back, but only having two friends for most of my life is not the best. As much as I denied it for years, my mum’s right. I’m very social. I have social anxiety. But I am a very social person. So, if you wanna read about all that, it’s under a read more. Cause fucking hell did this get long.

So, this year started and I was single, I was in Unity, I was in school, and I was living with my parents. By May I was not single and I was not in Unity. Shortly after that- because end of the semester and stuff and things happening- I was no longer in school or living with my parents. At this point in the year, I’m still not single, nor in Unity (as I doubt I’ll ever go back. To the troupe at least, I absolutely wanna go back to taking classes), or in school. But I have plans to go back to school. I’m halfway to being able to afford a car, and then saving for an apartment, so Sammy and I can go to Cleveland. Because I wanna be close to my friends. I don’t like most of the people I live with presently, and neither does Sam. So we’re gonna move out in July when the lease is up on our place. 

When I made this post last year, I talked about the only table top rpgs I’d played was a D&D 5e oneshot, a game of Roll for Shoes, and was just then stepping into a campaign. Needless to say, that changed. A lot. I’ve played West Marches to it’s end. I’ve been in Alex’s Pathfinder campaign for a year. I spent a semester in Andrew’s Pathfinder campaign (and met my girlfriend through that). I’ve spent two semesters in Jacob’s 5e campaign. I’ve started a campaign of my own at Breakout to get those people into D&D. I’ve gone so far with this, and I love it. I love every second of it. I also mentioned that I’d kinda started in Magic, but hadn’t put any money towards it. That didn’t last either. I’ve built my own custom deck, and that def required spending money. Once Andrew got me a starter deck it was downhill from there. I don’t play a ton, but Magic def did get my interest.

Last year I kinda just made lil shoutouts to Scott, Trevi, and Andrew. But this year I have so many more people to talk about, and to be thankful for. Because they’re not just new people that I’m kinda sorta friends with. They’re my family. So lemme go through this. Lemme take a bit, to talk about this gaggle of people I’ve found, that I love. 

It’s primarily the Pathfinder group. The original Pathfinder group. Alex, Jacob, Andrew, Thomas, Susannah, Molly, and Will. Most of these people are also the people in West Marches, but there are some West Marches people that aren’t in Pathfinder. People like Joey and Adriana, Freddie, Michael, and of course, Trevi and Scott. Now, to go into detail about the specific people, and why I love them.

Alex is just, great. I don’t always feel like I’m super close with him, but he does pay attention to everyone in the group. We recently had a session that really hit that fact home. It was a Christmas session, because it’s December what else are we gonna do? Each of our characters had gifts, and these gifts meant something to each of us. Outside of games though, he’s just as attentive. He’s always supportive, and very understanding of when people need distance or aid. He’s encouraging, and frankly I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him say something bad against anyone. Ambiguous maybe, but never bad.

Jacob- fucking hell this guy. He’s literally the sweetest man I’ve ever met. He’s always trying to help, and encourage people. If he knows he’s done something wrong he apologizes and does whatever it takes to fix it. He knows I’m short on money, so whenever I’m around he’s always offering to buy me food- or just straight up give me his food. He even bought Sammy’s Christmas present for me, because I’m just too broke to do it. I don’t understand how someone can be that selfless?? Jacob wtf?? You’re too good??

Andrew. What an asshole. I love him though. He- quite frankly- is half the reason I’m so close with the Pathfinder group. I befriended him easier than I befriended the others. He’s the one that got me into Pathfinder. At first he seems quiet, and kinda apathetic, he’s incredibly forgetful. But he cares. I got scared one time that I’d fucked up a friendship, and in his awkward Andrew way, he gave me 3 Magic cards and a hug as comfort. It may not sound like much, but giving away Magic cards is a big deal for Andrew. This nerd is also the reason I met my girlfriend, so yknow.

Admittedly, I’m not as close with Thomas as I am some of the others. His personality clashes with mine, so I don’t typically talk to him one on one. But he’s part of the group. We all poke fun at him, but we all poke fun at everyone. This family of ours wouldn’t be the same without him. It’d be too quiet.

Susannah is a darling. I haven’t seen her as much recently, because she dropped out of the Pathfinder campaign, and I haven’t been at school. But we still talk from time to time here on tumblr, or the very rare occasion we see each other on campus we always stop to give each other a hug and say hello. Because our friend group had a hellish spaghetti mess of relationships, and we had a good relationship through that. The guy I liked liked her, and it was kinda rough, but we just helped each other. Then when that spaghetti mess was over, and I was getting with Sammy, she was one of the people I’d text like “Holy shit Sam is so cute HELP”

Molly is the best. She- like Susannah- isn’t in Pathfinder this semester, so I haven’t seen her as much. But she had a similar position in the spaghetti mess but without being so tied to me. She just was right next to Susannah and was super supportive as well. She was the other person I texted about Sam. Cause group chats. I’d text her and Susannah together. But even though we don’t see each other a ton, we’re still close. Hell we’re looking at getting an apartment together next summer.

I really never think I’m that close to Will. He’s very quiet, and he’s not very affectionate, so it’s sometimes hard to tell if he actually likes being around people or he’s just dealing with us. But, after a year of being around him, I’m pretty sure he does actually like us. I think he’s just introverted. He doesn’t want to get in people’s way, so he sits to the side and is quiet. But also, his character in Pathfinder was 110% tryna get another PC laid and Will and Susannah both were willing to let me in on that. So, yeah, pretty sure Will is cool with me. We just have different ways of showing that.

Joey and Adriana I’ll talk about together, because I swear these two are inseparable. When I first met them I thought they were dating, but no they’re just very affectionate- and I can’t blame them for that. I’m the same way with Scott and Trevi. I’ve still not gotten to talk to them a ton, but the conversations I’ve had with them have been good. They seem very light hearted on the surface, just comparing ourselves to our characters, but really that says a lot about us. 

Freddie and Michael, I’ll also put together. Not because they’re together all the time, but because I have less to say about them. I don’t know either as well, but they’re both very warm people. It’s easy to become friends with these two. Freddie loves to rub my hair, cause of course half of it is shaved. Michael’s just akin to a ray of sunshine tbh. 

Trevi. Where do I even start? To just say you’re my friend isn’t enough. You’re more than that. You’re fun to be around and talk to, and dance with. You’re relatable and silly and serious and helpful and supportive. You’ve given me a place to sleep when I was too tired to go home. When you graduated I was terrified of you leaving, either going back home or going out to Cali to get a doctorate, cause I knew you’d talked about it. I didn’t wanna lose you. I’d just gotten to know you. Then you stayed here, and I’m glad. Cause you’re my friend and I love you. A couple weeks ago as you were leaving you signed “I love you”. You had your back turned but there was a window in front of you, so idk if you saw, but I signed it back. Cause I really do.

Now Scott. You sir, have literally changed my life. I would not have met most of the people I’ve talked about. I’d have met Trevi, but without D&D as a common ground, idk that we’d have ended up so close. So thank you, for introducing me to D&D. Thank you for being my DM. Because honestly, no matter how many DMs I have, no matter how great they are. You will always be my DM, because you were the first. And now, you’re graduating. You’re leaving school, and you’re going to Columbia. I’m gonna miss you. As selfish as it is, I don’t want you to leave. I’m glad you’re going to keep moving forward, as we all should. But fucking hell will I miss you. You’ve led me on adventures, fighting monsters and demons, I’ve made pacts with Eldritch gods and become War itself. So you go. You go, live your adventures. Write your stories and play your parts. Keep Moving Forward. But you better get your ass back here and visit from time to time okay? Cause I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss your free hugs, and the meowing, and the hair ruffles, and hugs so tight I feel like you’re bout to crack a rib, and the games, and the stories, and just everything. I’m gonna miss you, and I love you.

This past year, and every one of the people I’ve mentioned have changed me. There’s more people I could talk about. Alea, and Brooke, and Tommy, and Sammy, and Tahli, and Sebastian, and Kenna. My actual family. My cousin and my best friend, who I don’t feel the need to write about, because duh I appreciate them. Duh I love them. Tommy and Sammy who’ve both had their own impacts. Who have both changed my life in their own ways. Then Tahli, Kenna, and Sebastian. My nieces and nephew. Tahli, who wormed her way into my heart in an instant, and got me to a place where I actually cared for the other two. Because for so long I shrugged at Kenna. She lives across the country she’s not gonna know me. But then when Sebastian came along, I was so used to Tahli and her reaction any time I walk in the door. Then Sebastian got hurt, and it wrecked me. Because no, he’s tiny, he’s fragile, this shouldn’t happen to a six month old baby. I was so scared to hold him at Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to hurt him. 

I just. I love my friends. I love that I can say that. Because two years ago I hardly had friends to love, and I certainly didn’t feel like they should love me back. Last year I had a few more friends, and I was feeling a bit better about myself. But this year I’ve realized. It’s not just that I have friends that I love. But that they love me just as much. During intermediate acting Abby called me a yankee candle, cause I apparently had a warm, homey, aura. I felt like that was weird, cause I’m so used to being Shadow. I’m used to being ignore, glanced over. But then suddenly, I have friends that won’t do that. Friends that pay attention and love me. I’m still not sure how to handle that, but I’m doing the best I can. 

[beer-and-breakdowns]

do all 150 !! :)

Thanks for this Anon, I needed something to do, lmaoo

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My ex, which was a LOOONG time ago, lol

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I’d say I’m a bit of both really, if I get to know you, I’d say I’m super outgoing but with new people I tend to be a little shy, unless the person I’m meeting has a lot in common with me personality wise and interest wise.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Well, I think I’m going out with one of my best friends tonight so her I guess!:)  (But the way I interpret this question, I’m also very excited to see a bunch of bands in the coming year, BFMV, Parkway, Currents, Slayer, Wage War, it’s looking good B))

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d say so! :)

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yeah, I think so, she’s super kind-hearted.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

People with common ground with me.  Metalheads, laid-back people, fans of the same shit as me, etc.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Hahahahahahahanope.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My mum bc my parents get back from a holiday today!  But also, that one person thats pretty much always on my mind, lol, rip meeee

No, lol

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

One of mutuals!:)

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Directions of where to find me for someone picking me up from work, lmaoo, HOW EXCITING

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

NOT THIS QUESTION D:  This is gonna be hard, and I can almost guarantee it wont be the same when you read this, lol.

Architects - Downfall, Polaris - Lucid, Currents - Forget Me, Architects - Doomsday, Currents - Life//Lost

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah, kinda lol

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I believe in luck, I think!  Not miracles tho, rip

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Well, it’s not over yet, but DOWNLOAD 2018 YEEEET!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yeah, why not

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

For sure!  I love believing all that crazy shit, its fun, and also very plausible!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nah, lol

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I like baths, but haven’t had a proper bubble bath in years (NO, I’m not a smelly bitch that doesn’t wash, I shower everyday)

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I dont know them super well bc I moved house a couple of years ago but from what I can tell yeah, they’re really nice!

21. What are you bad habits?

Nail biting, mostly.  I’m shit with money too if that counts, lol

22. Where would you like to travel?

LITERALLY EVERYWHERE OMG.  But a US road trip is on my bucket list!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Nope

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Probably my nightly music/tumblr session.  It’s so relaxing and my music taste is the fuckin’ bomb.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Probably my legs tbh, rip

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll social media whilst my PC loads, lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Neither, but if I HAD to choose, darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My closest friends

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Nah, I don’t recall that anyway, rip

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Definitely!  Just, not for a little while

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Nope, wish it was tho (not for the pony tail, just want long hair, lol)

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Alexis Kaufman aaaaaaaaand Emily Kinney, maybe?

33. Spell your name with your chin.

oi9wen, went better than I thought, lol

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

HA no

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV 10000000000000%

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yup

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Nothing really, lmaoo!  I do try to start a new conversation if I’m not feeling too awkward tho!

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Ummm, I know them irl, lol.  Cute as hell, blonde, blue eyes, funny, kind as fuck, an all-round sweetheart with the looks to match.  

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

HMV, lol

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I WANNA PLAY MUSIC FOR A LIVING but that shits hard so idk bc nothing else interest me the way music does:(  Maybe something with psychology and killers.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Yes, 100%.  I fully believe rehabilitation and reformation can work for everyone with the right tools.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m either super tired or feeling sorry for myself, lmaoo

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yup, most of the time!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Space, even tho I’m scared of heights so getting in the rocket would be an ISSUE.  But the ocean is fuckin’ spooky man, I ain’t goin’ down there :o

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Being awake, lmaoo.  I sleep for more hours than I should but I’m not one for staying in bed and once I’m up, I’m up.

46. What are you paranoid about?

Not having a stable life after Uni tbh, the real world terrifies me, lol help.  But also, and probably moreso never making any progress with my music and hopeful music career.

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yeeeeeee

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Nah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black, probably, I dont normally wear hoodies tbh :o

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Originally, I was gonna say no, but then I remembered someone that I’ll forever be jealous of, so yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My legs probably hahaha

53. Favourite makeup brand?

What’s makeup?

54. Favourite store?

HMV, again, lol

55. Favourite blog?

Probably either @lovelyfoxes, @meowsonmeows, @emilyharrisxvii and @strawberry-sarcasm

56. Favourite colour?

Black (Dont go telling me that shits a shade and not a colour bc I’ll still say black.)

57. Favourite food? 

INDIAN FOOD PLS

58. Last thing you ate?

Katsu chicken

59. First thing you ate this morning?

^^^ Katsu chicken (I woke up late, okay)

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Nah, not that I can remember lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

7328916312 times.  Being annoying :): :))::)::) (No)

63. Ever been in love?

Yup, rip

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Idk, I kissed a girl.  Sorry it was super long ago and I didn’t think much of it at the time, it sorta just happened, lol

65. Are you hungry right now?

Nah, I’m FULL boii

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No, but some of my tumblr frands are my irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter 1000000%

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr 1000000000000%

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nope, havent in a while tbh

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Emily, Zac, Laura, Leo, Ethan

71. Craving something? What?

Attention.  Of a specific person.  YES PLS.

72. What colour are your towels?

White, black and grey.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Twooo

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

7328131691

75. Favourite animal?

FOXES.  Or wolves.  Unless Dinosaurs count.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Grey

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla, man

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Salted Caramel

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black, lol

80. What colour pants?

V dark blue

81. Favourite tv show?

Atm, probablyyyyy The Walking Dead, Ray Donovan and WWE, lmaoo

82. Favourite movie?

The Domestics just recently took the spot over Pulp Fiction.  WATCH IT.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Only seen the first one, lel

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

21 Jump Street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Me

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Me (Prolly the turtle)

87. First person you talked to today?

My friend Leo

88. Last person you talked to today?

Who knows, probably my friend Emily

89. Name a person you hate?

Most modern “musicians”

90. Name a person you love?

Alexis Kaufman

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nope :)

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah, ya boii is mostly pacifist, I wont start shit

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Like, 1 pair, lol

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Prolly like 5 or 6?

95. Last movie you watched?

Looper

96. Favourite actress?

Hard to think atm, so probably off the top of my head Emily Blunt.

97. Favourite actor?

Mark Wahlberg or Johnny Depp

98. Do you tan a lot?

Hahahah, thats a massive nope

99. Have any pets?

I used to have a lil cat dude, but nah, not anymore

100. How are you feeling?

I’m goooood :)

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah, lmao

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yeah, lol

103. Can you spell well?

Yeah, mostly, I stumble when typing sometimes, but I can correct myself quickly and its usually just a mis-click

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah, kinda

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably, tbh

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Nah

108. What should you be doing?

Showering, oops

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Nah, not really! :)

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes yes and YES

111. Do you have trust issues?

Nope

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Honestly I think it was my friend Emily, lol (U remember if ur reading this, Sax is never a good idea)

113. What was your childhood nickname?

I didn’t really have one :o

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yup, been to a few different countries

115. Do you play the Wii?

Used to, lol

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yeah boiiiiii B)

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

It’s pretty good!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Ummmm yes

119. Favourite book?

Sorry internet, I’m not a massive reader 3  I don’t really have one :(

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Nah, used to be as a kid tho

121. Are you mean?

Nah, man

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No.  There’s probably a very VERY specific scenario brought on by many other specific actions within a relationship where it might, MAYBE, slightly be the smallest bit justified, but I don’t know what that would be off the top of my head and no one should break someone’s trust like that.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Nah, my shoes get dirty no matter where I go, lol

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yup

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

Nah, I love tumblr asks, dude

127. What makes you happy?

Music, friends and escapsim

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, I’ve come to terms with it now

129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra

130. Do you like subway?

Of course B)

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

I’d prolly see how it goes! :)  I certainly wouldn’t complain!

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

One of my mutuals!

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

“No matter what it is we've facedIt's now part of usWe can overcome” - As I Lay Dying - Overcome

134. Can you count to one million?

I think? hahahah

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I had every single PS2 game ever created... kids, eh?

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed 1000000%

137. How tall are you?

about 5′11″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight hair on me, doesn’t make a difference on others B)

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Blonde (but Brunette is gorgeous too)

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer (But Christmas time is GREAT)

141. Night or Day?

Night, mostly!

142. Favourite month?

October, maybe?  Either than or July, idk

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark B)

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee

146. Was today a good day?

So far, yeah! :)

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars 100000000%

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“The best thing you can do is follow your dreams“ - James Owen Sullivan (The Rev)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yup, 100%!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

There isn’t one! :(

THANKS ANON!

[sixmorningsafter]

76 Theses

Oh hey there, Gabi. Long time no see. Hope your summer is going well as if I don’t already know because I follow you on Instagram, and I hope your med school prep isn’t destroying you I’m going to grad school in the fall, so girl I can only imagine. EDIT: GIRL HOW DID YOU POST A CHAPTER TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU MOVED AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER PLACE FOR FREAKIN’ MED SCHOOL

LMAOOOO FWIW I didn’t start over, I literally moved like 30 minutes away (and my family did a solid 75% of the work because what are big over-involved Puerto Rican families for). Summer was GLORIOUS. And 6 months ago, loooooool, I’M THE WORST. But you’re the best. This review is the best. Hope you’re crushing grad school (I know you are instinctively but I also know you are because I’ve talked to you about it and despite your humble nonsense I can tell you’re killin’ it). ANYWAY, diving on in to this literary masterpiece of a review:

Anyways, let me start by saying, literally every time you post a new chapter, I think “I’m ready, let’s go”. But literally, every time I read a new chapter, I am not ready, and you slay me every single freakin’ time. Dude, I have no clue how you do it, but every time, I die. Any more deaths, and I’d be a freakin’ Winchester.

A/N: looooool that’s incredible because every time I post a new chapter I think ‘this is it, this is where everyone realizes I don’t actually know how to write, it’s been fun’. But in all seriousness, girl, the fact that you make a point to send reviews after every chapter and go into detail like this is just–like honestly it’s reason enough to crank out 30K words of my bullshit. Not even kidding. If literally no one but you read this story I’d still write it because getting your hilarious whip-smart reviews are life. It’s so appreciated. It’s so appreciated.  

Off the bat, while you may believe this is a “filler” chapter, it is a damn good filler I wish I could write filler chapters as nicely and uniquely wtf. If you meant filler as in full of wonderful delightfulness, then yas girl this is the filler-est of filler chapters. Because if you meant this is some fluff piece that has nothing of substance, if you thought for once second that we aren’t thriving off the Bamon drama of the Steroline giggles, we’d all have to chase you out of town good thing you’re already moving.

This chapter is amazing, and on a personal spiritual level, I still can not get over your similes. I know that sounds silly and amateur, but while you’re hella awesome at metaphors, your similes, dude, are unique af, and every single time I write something that barely resembles something you’ve written, I’m staring at my screen like what the actual fuck is the nonsense? Sooooo, rest assured, this chapter is awesome (to be explained in great detail), and you’re awesome too (also to be explained in greater detail).

LMAOOOOO CASSIE I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT A FUCKING SIMILE WAS HELP ME WHY AM I HERE. But DUDE, I actually have some words to say about this, the first ones being - GAH. Thanks so, so much love. I’m beaming. The second ones being - I ALWAYS think they’re weird when I write them. Seriously. Like that feeling you said you get when you try getting creative with a description is the exact same one I get -ROLL WITH IT. I had to learn that by just sucking it up and posting shit with unusual descriptions and then seeing what kind of feedback I got for it (which tbh makes it sound like I’ve been doing it for a while lololol but I actually just recently started challenging myself to get more creative with my descriptions for things). It actually came from constantly reading writing with cool imagery (Six of Crows was a great one!) and realizing that they never fell back on tired/common metaphors. They always used something unique (Kaz’s voice being like dry leaves scattering across pavement or w/e? Lmao you know how I felt about the constant descriptions of Kaz’s voice but I loved that one). I’m clearly nowhere near that level but I’ve definitely taken to stopping a few times while writing and going, ‘Wait. This is a chance to come up with something cool. Slow down. Do better.’ Cause tbh I have no instinct for it. I don’t think in creative metaphors or similes or whatever. But if I labor over it for a minute or two I can maybe come up with something, so yeah, THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING - it probably sounds a lot better to a reader than it will to you. They feel and read unnaturally to me because they don’t come naturally to me, lol, but the people reading probs don’t know that so trust yourself! Do it! Knowing you and your talent they’re probably incredible.

Okay, so, in an attempt not to be mundane, let’s go through this fav line by fav line please forgive me if I just rewrite the whole chapter because ff.net doesn’t let you copy/paste

“She remembered feeling alarmed, a little helpless, like a plastic bag caught in the middle of a hurricane” (us FL girls can spot one another from miles away) (but also???? great simile). Poor Damon, but also poor Bonnie. This girl is just tryna help—it’s the core of her being, tbh—and this boy is too proud. Not like proud-proud, but that oh-shit-I’m-exposed proud. You know.  A/N: AMERICAN BEAUTY REFERENCE WHADDUP. Lol I was channeling that plastic bag shot at the end of the movie. Granted there’s no hurricane in that but you know, us Florida girls put hurricanes into everything. And yeah, that’s a great read on Damon. His pride/confidence is something he uses as a shield more than anything, which isn’t to say it’s fake exactly, but more so something he relies on to stay detached and not really have to deal with things. It’s easy for him to be like ‘world sucks, I don’t care’. Anytime anyone sees below that confidence/armor, though, it’s really destabilizing for him because it makes the reality of his fears/anxieties harder to ignore, ya know?

Kai calling out “Friends?” is the most relatable thing. He’s a murdery little bean.

“And sure, maybe she’s being a giant, hypocritical pot to his doesn’t-deal-with-childhood-trauma kettle…” Yes girl, these lines are really awesome. Also, I like how Bonnie recognizes the cycle right away. She’s like ‘been there done that broseph’.

“Do you have any pop tarts?” this girl asks. Lol when you stress eat. Btw, we never find out if she got them??? I need answers???? I feel like Kai could 3D print pop tarts if he needed to.

“Toodles”: I had a friend (loose usage of the term) in hs who used to say that, for real, and it’s funny ‘cause she was this gossipy diva (Bekah?) and reading this just sent me back. Also, toodles is such a passive-aggressive thing to say, especially for Care. I don’t think toodles has ever been said without the backing vocal of ‘I hate you please die’.

“… the prospect of going through the whole song and dance made her bones ache, it was so tiring.” FINALLY, CAROLINE, YOU’RE FREE OF THE CURSE I can tell not really, but, at least, we’re getting through some of that warding doe. RIGHT!? Lol I was excited to put that bit in because it was sort of my attempted nod to everyone reading that it was okay (actually encouraged!) to feel frustrated with Caroline’s constant mood swings because she herself hated them. They weren’t meant to be read as a some ‘fascinating complicated girl’ thing, you know? I feel like a lot of shows (esp. with male writers) like to write these female characters that are difficult and volatile for the sake of being ‘interesting’ and I kind of wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going for that. Caroline’s coming from a place of fear. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair. She knows it’s angering and more trouble than it’s worth. And even more than that, she hates it just as much as everyone else does, and by the time we hit chapter 16, she’s finally too drained to listen to that frantic instinct to self-preserve. She just throws caution to the wind and lets it go. It’s still scary for her but what can you do. But you’re right, she’s getting there!

***Side Note*** when is Tyler gonna be a thing, I need some sma Tyler in my life rn Me toooooooo he’s my husband. He should be popping in for 18 or 19!

Stefan’s recap of what happened, “you planned the homecoming dance at the same time as the football game”/”False” is great. I really love your back-and-forth dialogue, like always, ‘cause it’s natural and it’s funny as hell. Idk, when I write it (or sometimes when I read other people’s), it doesn’t have that same fast pace hilarity. Maybe that’s just me. It’s definitely just you cause I’ve read your dialogue and it’s hilarious, but one thing I’ve found that super speeds up dialogue is removing the dialogue tags. Seriously. Makes a world of difference. Like I don’t think it’s even possible to write an extended snappy exchange with dialogue tags tbh, cause your mind will just naturally slow it down to read the description. Half the time I go back to edit, I’m just removing unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions that felt needed at the time. It helps if you can pick dialogue that sort of speaks for itself in terms of how it’s said, too (and realizing that once you’ve set the tone of a conversation, you really don’t need to keep re-emphasizing that tone - it really only needs to be addressed if there’s a shift imo). Also, I’ve kind of found that leaving out subjects can both make dialogue sound way more natural and also speed it up. Like even in the example you used below: “You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell” it wouldn’t read the same if it was: “You’re ridiculous.” “I’m effective.” “You’re terrifying.” “I’m productive.” “And you’re impressive as hell.” See how it slows it down? And throw in dialogue tags and it’s even slower. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “I’m effective,” I countered. “You’re terrifying,” he replied. “I’m productive,” I quipped. “And you’re impressive as hell,” he concluded. To me that just completely changes the speed/flow. So yeah, there’s my unsolicited advice on snappy dialogue, lolololol.

Caroline’s interjection: “Systematic overview” lol

“You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell”—ooooo, Stefan! Your heart-eyes are showing! 

***Side Note*** so, uh, are we ever gonna find out what Stefan allegedly did? Muahaha yes. Kind of. Iz cute.

His deadpan face eased into a smile—one of those twinkling, warm ones that reminded her of honey spilling off a spoon—and predictably, annoyingly, her stomach did a flutter—gold. I feel like you can really get away with lines like this when it comes to Steroline because a) Caroline is a writer and b) Stefan is a Disney prince I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT BTW I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BUT DUUUUDE LISTEN I have so much fun writing in Caroline’s PoV because I can write things in a way that I can’t with other characters. I think you’ll see a lot of that in 17 when Caroline dives into her Matt history. And Stefan’s fun because he’s such a fucking sap so I can get as dumb as I want. He has a scene in 17 where I’m like ‘jesus christ dude get a grip’. Damon’s my annoying son because he’s closed off as hell so I always have to keep his thoughts muted and on-the-brink-of-something. Bonnie probably comes the most easily. Anyway, there’s my response to a question that was never even asked.

“It was the elephant in the room, big and obvious and floating over their heads like a light-up blimp. None of this frothy, chit-chat matters, it read in a glitzy, scrolling marquee, waving its animatronic trunk, y’all are fake.” … Does it ever get exhausting? Knowing that you’re literally the best at this metaphorical imagery thingies that need an actual name so I can use it and throw it in your face like, look at this gabi, think about what you’ve done? I almost cut that out because I thought it would feel random! See? That was one of those ‘pause’ moments where I almost left it as ‘the elephant in the room’ and then was like ‘you can do better than that’, and then after I extended it I was like ‘that sounds weird as hell but whatever roll with it’. So roll with yours, girl!

“An awkward beat passed as they regarded each other in the bright, exposing overhead light”/ “the lighting too clinical for such a personal conversation”. So, recently, coupling physical and metaphorical description has really been my jam, and I am so totally digging this. I have this weird thing where I feel like the lighting has to be soft for intimate conversations and if it’s not I’m like not in the right headspace for it, looool. So I’m glad you’re weird about that with me!

“[Katherine] was tough. Cynical. Her arms would lock tightly around him, jaw set, damning the world and the fucked up people in it.” Nice glimpse at the infamous Katherine Pierce. Can’t wait for a possible cameo from her in the future. NYE! Hopefully. I might be overselling NYE.

“Melted, really, like a clock in a fucking Dali painting.” Ok so like, do you Google this shit or is your brain just going a million miles a minute, coming up with stellar ways of impressing us (me)? Like jfc Gabi, calm down. LOOOL okay that one was instinctive because I compare legit every melty thing to a Dali clock. My sister’s cat has no bones and liquifies into whatever space she inhabits and we call her a melted clock.

“Floaty, useless goddamn feathers” this is cute i’m fine

“The Tylers” mention: Tyler believes in love? Is Tyler a Stefan, and that’s why Defan gels? Does Tyler have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a something?!?!? How cute! I feel like the best way to describe Tyler is like… surprisingly well-adjusted. Like he definitely had some shitty things go down in his life (abusive dad), but he had a loving mom and an unexpected support system in Damon and Katherine and because of that, he’s grown up to be this easy-going, confident guy. He’s definitely got a wild streak because of Damon and Katherine, but even when he went out with them they always kept an eye on him, always kept him out of the real dangerous stuff. He grew up loved. So when it comes to romantic love, he’s a casual optimist about it. He’s not some heart-on-his-sleeve romantic, but he believes it’s out there. His issue is kind of that he gets along with everyone (one of those types), so no one’s really knocked him off his feet yet love-wise. “The Carolines”: oh shit, called out. I love that he can read her like a goddamn book even though they aren’t anything under the surface at all. Like that just shows how good he is at this. Yessss, love that interpretation. I kind of wanted to emphasize how much he has everyone pegged so that it would heighten the contrast to how much he keeps having to redefine Bonnie.

“She’d cracked his varnish”—nice—“so thoughtlessly, like it wasn’t something he relied on”—oh shit—“and for what?/ “For shits and giggles? To see if she could?” Like usually I can handle these lines I’m lying but how sad and fucked up is it that Damon thinks Bonnie was only kind to him for something. I totally understand his mindset (like get where he’s coming from), but jfc honey, Bonnie is the Hufflepuffiest (which kudos btw for using the house for both ships, nice nice, I’m honored on behalf of us honey-badgers) and she literally didn’t try to help for anything. He def. struggles with the idea of people being kind for no reason. AND YAS GIRL HONEY BADGERS UNITE! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! YOU get some kindness. YOU get some kindness! ERRBODY IN DA CLUB GETTIN KINDNESS.

“He scoffed again, shaking his head—worry. Concern./ “Unwanted things.” CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THE SHIT, MAN. All us writers out here (or just me idk) are screaming and, probably totally weeping.

“Her eyes looked a little buggy in her magnifying goggles, hair in a mess of curls, and instantly, unwantedly, he felt a bit of the cool distance warm right off him.” Oh silly boy. Like you can actually resist how adorable Bon-bon is. Also, love nerd!Bonnie, can she come back some more? I’m going to incorporate it into 17! I think. Lmao I will now.

“It means I don’t need you to fucking fix me.” Yikes, dude. I always worry that those mood-shift lines aren’t going to pack enough of a punch so I love when you single them out.

“One little emotion glitch”… It’s really interesting you put it this way. Stefonnie are all heartstrings and mush, and Daroline are very ones-and-zeros, very programmed­-and­-defined. And this ties into Kai’s “logic” speech, because while these no-strings-attached sillies think they can avoid what makes us all human, they’ve got another thing coming. These fools are just as sappy-feely as their romantic counterparts. TRUEFAX.COM I wanna change the story description to just that ^^ 

“Relax.” IF THAT SHIT ISN’T THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BONNIE DIDN’T DECK HIM RIGHT THERE. Not to call him out, but my boyfriend does this whenever I get worked up, and I’ve warned him, next time he tells me to relax, he’s getting hit. I literally read Damon’s “relax” in my bf’s voice, and I got so irritated. (Great job). I THINK YOU MEAN YOUR FIANCÉ WHHHAAAATTTTTT

“Your blood type was ‘tequila’.”

“Does that bother you” / “Not as much as it bothers you” OOOO GIRL EXPOSE HIM YAS another line I hoped packed a punch.

“Cat, is he lying?” lol when do they actually name her Never.

“Casually vibrant and loose” reminds me of sunshine for some reason. Sunshiny Caroline is my fav.

“Bonnie’s Caroline. Spirited. Brassy… A hell-raiser with a sparkling stare and a laugh like a bell.” Stefan, babe, stop.

“Badgering the witness!” LOL I’m using this in b&b, you’ve been warned, bye DO IT.

“Memory Lane was closed.”/ “Detour to Platonic Avenue”: good, good, keep it up. I love how they end up talking about it anyways? And it’s lowkey a daroline convo, but without a doubt, Damon would flirt it up, and it’d probably end in more sex, but these two goofballs I swear: “Told you I was the class skank”  and “it takes years of training” but also “No room left behind” “Nothing is good enough to make me forget about how much I hate heights” / “I am” OH SHIT IT’S GETTIN’ HOT IN HERE. But also????? Excellent example of what I was saying (re: daroline convo); Caroline lapsed into her natural, flirty confidence, not even realizing GIRL HOW AREN’T YOU REALIZING how something so saucy, that would naturally turn on Stefan, can’t be said so casually. HAHAHA honestly as I was writing that I was like ‘careful what you wish for steffy bear’ because like you said, that is natural Caroline. She’s confident, flirty, vibrant, etc, and if Stefan was already falling for the prickly, self-preserving version, how did he expect to survive this one, you know? I don’t approve of these characters’ dumb ass decisions I just write them.

“You’re Lawyer Dangerous-ing me, aren’t you?” and “Wow, I ruined you.” Love it. I feel like Kol pulled this shit on Caroline, and she lowkey trusts her brother, so she fell for things like this all the time. LOOOL Kol’s such a menace.

“You didn’t think you were Buttercup, did you?” / “That’s embarrassing”: I love sma Stefan so much. I liked tvd at one time, but that’s for another day lololol we’ve discussed this.

“Ugh, montage love” I’m sorry Gabi, are you in sma too? ya know every now and then I have to insert my frustration with how dumb everyone is.

“Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, too, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?” Shit, girl. Like, go home already. Gah, thanks love. Another case of ‘pause. Think. You can do better.’ I’m telling you, you just have to roll with it!

“I don’t regret a second of that” oh Stefan, you lovesick fool

“I’m like a human Bermuda Triangle” love

“Just give him the Disney Prince look” and the process of him going through it, and him being like, “This is just my face” I’m dead.

“Danger Zone” lmfaoooooo, followed by “Whatever, Piss Pants”. Sounds like a classic Caroline x Kol moment Honestly, it was so nice to write them just having an easy convo, lololol. And TOTALLY a Care x Kol type exchange. Oh, Kol. I can’t wait to write him over the Christmas chapter(s). 

“Bonnie knew the ball was in her court to be the bigger person” to “…they all made her feel caught between telling him that everything was going to be okay and asking him if he wanted a gold fucking star.”/ “Unfortunately, the latter seemed to be winning out.” Okay, so I have to admit this: this “petty, four-year-old” Bamon is a little shamefully like me and my boyfriend. We’re like the diluted version of bamon in this fic. I’m the nerd/caring one, my bf is the cynical/well-read one, and we’re both petty af, and our form of affection is kinda like bamon’s back-and-forth. I mean, we’re not as fucked up at all, but idk, I see parts of our relationship in bamon, which is why they are otp does that mean I think ryan and I otp? maybe but I don’t like being gross. Anyways… FIANCÉ RYAN. CASS IS GETTING MARRIED Y’ALL. I OTP YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US SO IT’S FINE.

“Must be depressing” / “Don’t worry about it” / “Just means it doesn’t matter” / “Because isn’t that the human way?” Ooooo this shit boils my blood this is the kind of crap ryan pulls sometimes omg but moreover, this baiting thing is so aggravating. Say what you want to say and be done with it! WEDDING BELLS AND RIIIINNNIIINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LMAO literally any mention of you and Ryan’s going to bring that response out of me bye

“I mean, didn’t you tell me last night that your biggest fear is that something’s wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out?” and Bonnie’s internal monologue “her head was caught in a hum as she tried to shake off the burn of hearing her biggest insecurity thrown in her face, casual, smug”. I got to admit, Gab, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I was literally hanging on every sentence like oh. My. GOD. DAMON WENT THERE.

Side Note: this whole scene had me all sorts of fucked up, and like damn girl, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I felt for Bonnie. Not in a personal way, but like having someone just throw your deepest fear in your face? Someone who you were just warming up to? Like shit.

GIRL thanks so much, that scene definitely took some tweaking. I always stress about those moments because it takes me so long to get a sense for exactly what kind of mood I built (cause I’m almost like… already in the mood when I start writing it so I don’t actually know if I built it or not? Like if someone who wasn’t me would feel it through the writing alone? Does that make sense? I always try to explain this and fail). But anyway, gah, so glad this pulled you in. Like it’s one thing to try and be funny and fail at it (my life) but for some reason it’s way more nerve-wracking to me to try and be dramatic/intense and fail at it. 

 Kai’s crème-bru-yay is like opening Pinterest and seeing the first promoted post lol.

Damon’s “would it kill you to stay for one dessert” and her “it might kill you”, which I translated to “I might kill you, you fucker” Exactly what it meant.

The Bon/Kid talk. Nice. I love how it parallels to the Care/Stef talk earlier (dunno if you did this on purpose?) Nope, but I’m going to pretend I’m put-together enough of an author to do things like that and say of course.

“I don’t even know what your vulnerabilities are, Damon!” Have you read Lee’s “Parachute” bamon fic. Damon asks, “Do I ever say anything I don’t mean?” and Bonnie says something like Uh yeah, you say whatever will bother people the most. That. That is so true, and I didn’t realize it until I read it in her fic. Noooo, I haven’t, but now I really need to!

He was a friggin’ serial killer and they’d played right into his game Jesus fucking Christ they were all going to di—I love how off the rails Bonnie’s thoughts are. Like she’s stilly lowkey pissy at Damon, but at the same time, she’s like we’re gonna die. LOL that’s why Bonnie’s the easiest for me to write, because I too am often balancing serious emotions with cracky off-the-rails thoughts. 

“I’m sorry but what the everloving fuck, dude?” So, first, amazing line lmfao; second, amazing scene, my friend. Damon, somehow, talking Kai down? Like who would have thought? “Not a good look, man.” I’m dead.

Jk that line is getting it’s own number. Just reading it makes me think that Damon must’ve said something like this to Tyler. Must have. Like, maybe Tyler’s talking about how he got into a fight at school, or maybe about how he screwed things up with a girl—idk idc, big brother!Damon is a good look. Toootally! I was 100% channeling big bro!Damon there, and I definitely hoped people would connect it back to Tyler. Tyler’s just someone that Damon wants better for, you know? Like him and Katherine take him along on their wild rides but like I said earlier, Damon definitely doesn’t want him to live the same kind of life or make the same kind of mistakes/sacrifices he’s made. So I can totally see him steering him off that path if he senses him heading down it. And just in general, so happy you liked that scene. It was one of the scenes I was most pumped for ‘cause I live for feels, and I thought it showed really cute sides of both Damon and Kai.

Kai’s fun fact about Dante, and Damon’s plain, “Bummer” lol.

Kai’s “Did you mean what you said earlier…thinking I was cool…?” I seriously don’t know how you made a serial killer adorable but how dare you :D

“Boyish, almost, like he was some angsty teen she’d walked in on listening to Britney Spears”, oops you did it again I’m hilarious my friend, you played with my heart for fantastic similes. Like, this one just epitomizes what you wanted it to, this sheepish, caught-in-the-moment-of-a-good-deed kinda thing. Like, Gabi, stop Yeeeesssss that was exactly what I wanted to get across but I wasn’t sure I got it across so YAY. Goes to show you. You never think that of your own stuff. Idk why this review response is turning into a giant PSA on cutting yourself some slack with your own writing but CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WITH YOUR OWN WRITING PEOPLE.

‘you are so much more than you think you are, you piece of shit’—see, that’s my kind of “terms of endearment”. LOL mine too.

Caroline vs. Cat, illustrated by “Are you trying to die?” is very much like me vs. a cat except I’m super allergic, so I’m doing the dying LOOOOOL love ya, Cas.

“Stefan!” She blustered out of her room with a scowl, padding down the hallway in Bonnie’s too-small Gryffindor slippers. First off, Caroline calling Stefan. Secondly, Caroline calling Stefan to be a meditator between her and the cat. Thirdly, why does Bonnie had Gryffindor slippers if she is clearly (eh) Hufflepuff (she could easily be Ravenclaw tbh). LMAO so I made them Hufflepuff at first and then I remembered Bonnie had a Gryffindor shirt and I thought it’d be funny for her to just randomly have paraphernalia from every house because she can’t decide who she is and goes through phases where she’s super convinced she’s one house and then it changes a few months later.

“Tide of amusement”/ “Wash of endearment”: teach me your wayssss I read that as ‘teach me your waaaavvveeesss’ we’re both hilarious

“Saint Stefan”: I really like (and appreciate) that Caroline is the one calling him this. That it’s not some jealous brother, but some girl who blatantly misunderstood him and is coming to the conclusion that maybe this savior complex isn’t as bad/ingrained as she thought. Honestly even just reading ‘jealous brother’ gave me such TVD PTSD. Gross. I’m with ya, girl. 

Stefan’s advice, “Dazzle him with that Rebekah charm” literally is the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen lmao

“Demon.” / “Demons everywhere.” Lolololololol

“Do your thing. Give me the sisterhood spiel or whatever Hallmark collection it was you were planning on plagiarizing.” Well shit. I’d probably pay to hear Damon and Rebekah’s verbal sparring. LMAO Damon vs. Rebekah would be amazing. I feel like they’d be fast friends, which makes me laugh because Kol would totally idolize Damon and yet him and Rebekah would loathe each other.

“But more importantly… Tiffany will be social media stalking you every inch of the way, seething with jealousy, so take a lot of pictures.” I love how she gives the realest advice, and then brings it to Rebekah’s level lol. I feel like big sister!Caroline is something we were deprived of and didn’t know it. Hahaha you know Rebekah would totally ignore that shit if it didn’t circle back to making her nemesis miserable. But sister!Caroline is definitely something I want to do more of, so I’m so happy you liked that side. Christmas time will give her and Kol some quality time (and Mama Liz!)

“I’m going to need some tea,” she says lmao.

 Oh this is the thing I was talking about when I referred to Lee’s fic: “he’d know before he’d even opened his mouth that he was going to hate what came out” and “why the hell had he even gone there? He could’ve just told her he needed space”. Very similar. You guys had the same revelation. That’s rad - I definitely have to go read her fic. Lee’s writing is always brilliant.

“Unfortunately, the hole he’d just managed to dig himself into had an echo, and the only sound in it was the disbelieving crack in Bonnie’s voice when she’d confronted him about bring up her parents.” Right in the heart.

“But maybe she thought he was a megadouche” he cares what she thinks! “Maybe she was waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t.”

“You missed a spot” / “A harsh spray of water cut him off from the pull-out faucet she’d shot straight at him”—if this petty shit isn’t me & ryan CAS AND RYAN ARE GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDD

“And mean.” I love that tack on, it’s so childish, but epitomizes how she can’t even stay mad at him. “Very, very mean.” Their childish bits are my favorite parts to write. It’s in full-swing in 17.

 “I just had a really shitty week last week.” Oooo glimpse into the past. Like Bonnie’s with the Enzo/Klaus mention. More of that ahead!

“And don’t stop calling me kid.” / “It’s cute and I like it.” Can they just kiss and be together already omg You would think but everyone in this story is stupid.

“And he was struck by the most bizarre impulse to kiss her” see, even Damon knows!!!!

The “pep rally” / “I was actually a cheerleader for a bit in college” convo. Classic Bamon

 “Try not to do anything secretly heroic while I’m gone.”

“Maybe he was allergic to pep” / “maybe he was high on it” Damon and Bonnie sitting in a tree… D-E-N-Y-I-N-G

THE ALMOST STEROLINE NAME DROP I WAS ACTUALLY GRINNING LIKE A MORON WHEN I READ THIS MUAHAHA it was so stupid and I cackled writing it.

“I think I need to talk about Matt”/ “And I think you should probably tell me about Elena”. What? Caroline Forbes is talking about exes? Is doing something healthy that’ll further her relationship with Stefan? THERE IS SO MUCH PRIDE IN MY HEART – Also, I think this was a great way to end the chapter ‘cause it’s super cliffhanger and also super like a tvd episode, you know? Great, excellent, fantastic job! RIGHT? LOOK AT HER GO! She’s ready to confront some things! And because I took six months to reply to this and have the benefit of actually having the scene written now, I can tell you that she’s really going there. Saying things she’s never said out loud. It’s a hard scene for her. But she’s determined. So it makes me so happy that you’re proud of her (I’m proud of her!), and hopefully the next chapter will make it a little clearer why she is the way she is (and why it took her this long to get there). Also, YAY for show-like endings! You know that’s what I’m going for ;) TBH that’s a large reason why the chapters have gotten so long - I want like a whole episode in a chapter with a beginning, middle, and end, and I want them to set up a story for the next one, and for four central characters that usually ends up taking me about 8-10 scenes, loool. So I’m glad you like it that way, too ;)

Okay, so this is longer than I hoped, but I’m sure you won’t mind. Take your mind off med school, off the whole moving thing. Anyways, thanks a bazillion for being this awesome author that interacts with her audience, who puts at least 1000% percent into this fic when, really, you don’t gotta, and ya know… thanks for fulfilling the need everyone has seen tvd died (there were only 6 seasons right?)

Definitely only six seasons. And girl, psh, thank you for making all of the things you listed above worth it. Seriously. You guys make writing this story a legitimate joy - I literally have you in mind when I write. I anticipate who’s going to like what. Whose going to have a problem with what. And it makes me a better writer. Seriously. Anyway, you’re as lovely and witty and talented and kind and weird and wonderful as ever and I expect detailed updates on you and Ryan’s royal wedding every week and NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR WRITING A LONG REVIEW WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU’RE MY SUN AND I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO RESPOND BECAUSE I LEGIT CAN’T THINK OF A REPLY THAT’S WORTHY SOOOOO THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE K BYEEEEE

[happyk44]

1-100 all

ONE HUNDRED FUCKING QUESTIONS

1.. what is you middle name?

Marie.

2. how old are you?

A number.

3. what is your birthday?

April 25th

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus.

5. what is your favorite color?

BLUE.

6. what’s your lucky number?

Fuck, I don’t have my sheet in front of me rn but I’m confident there’s a 3 somewhere among it.

7. do you have any pets?

3 cats: Turbo (mine), Olive (my sister), Daisy (mom and dad)

8. where are you from?

BERMUDA.

9. how tall are you?

5 foot 2 and a quarter

10. what shoe size are you?

8 ½

11. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

Currently?? 3. Sneakers, slip-ons (which I don’t wear now that the ground is wet all the time) and boots.

12. what was your last dream about?

Idk.

13. what talents do you have?

Idk again. Writing seems to be up there.

14. are you psychic in any way?

No.

15. favorite song?

Changes all the time but currently? Way Down Hadestown, Rewrite the Stars, This Is Me, The Greatest Show, Epic (Part 3), Chant, Riptide, Take Me to Church.

16. favorite movie?

Power Rangers

17. who would be your ideal partner?

Uh, idk. Someone who likes to cuddle, doesn’t mind being affectionate but can give space when needed and doesn’t let me fall back on my own shit. Someone who can make me smile just by thinking about them. Someone who I can talk to about the stuff I enjoy and who will talk about the stuff they like, even if they’re not common interests.

18. do you want children?

Not really.

19. do you want a church wedding?

No.

20. are you religious?

No, but my dad wishes (and probably thinks) I am.

21. have you ever been to the hospital?

YEP! Gotta love asthma attacks and chronic sickness :P

Also occassional visits to my papa (rip) when my granny would go on vacation and placed him in the hospital’s care for brief times because of his dementia.

22. have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Nope.

23. have you ever met any celebrities?

None that I’m aware of.

24. baths or showers?

Showers.

25. what color socks are you wearing?

Black.

26. have you ever been famous?

Nope.

27. would you like to be a big celebrity?

Mmm, not really. All that attention seems terrifying. But like, if I could be, celebrity enough that I’m well-known among people and get good wages doing whatever, then yes.

28. what type of music do you like?

All kinds. I have aversions to stuff that picks at my ears wrong or makes my heart beat too fast, though, so a lot of hard metal and soca wind up being out.

29. have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was a toddler. Clothing means nothing when you’re a baby and live in a hot-ass humid climate.

30. how many pillows do you sleep with?

3

31. what position do you usually sleep in?

On my side or on my stomach. I’ve been trying to sleep on my back lately though.

32. how big is your house?

Small.

33. what do you typically have for breakfast?

Cereal.

34. have you ever fired a gun?

To my knowledge, yes.

35. have you ever tried archery?

Yes.

36. favorite clean word?

Shiz :D

37. favorite swear word?

Fuck.

38. what’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

29ish hours? I stayed up one day to chat with a person who lived in Australia, wound up having to go to the store with my mom around 8 to get school clothes and crashed when we got back home about noon/one o’clock.

Though this month should raise that up higher given I have to be up for my exams starting at 9, stay up to catch my early morning flight the next day and stay up to catch my transfer flight and then keep staying up so I don’t crash through dinner and wake up at like one in the morning, like someone with jet lag. (Bermuda and Halifax are literally in the same time zone, I cannot do this to myself)

39. do you have any scars?

Yes. It stretches shortly on my forearm. I got it from an iron burn when I was about 12, I think?

40. have you ever had a secret admirer?

I think so?? If that’s what you’d call whoever keeps sending me those really sweet anons. :D

41. are you a good liar?

Sometimes.

42. are you a good judge of character?

I’d like to think so.

43. can you do any other accents other than your own?

I can do a semi-decent Irish/Scottish accent from my years of obsessively watching Ronan Inish and a thicker, more prominent Bermudian accent, like what my granny or teachers would have.

44. do you have a strong accent?

I don’t personally think I have an accent. My mom is deaf, my dad is American and the kids and family I grew up around never really used the thick version of a Bermudian accent. 

45. what is your favorite accent?

I don’t know. I don’t think I have one? Mostly other accents are just the way people talk and if anything,  just amuse me. Like for example, my friend’s Bahamian accent kills me, especially when she starts chatting with her friends from Nassau and their accents start rolling out super thick to the point where you gotta really pay attention to zero in on their words.

But, in Bermuda you’re taught by literally anyone so accents are just?? a thing that exist. I don’t have a favourite.

46. what is your personality type?

MBTI wise, a split between INTJ & INTP. Other types? IDK.

47. what is your most expensive piece of clothing?

PFT, prolly my shoes? I don’t really buy clothes. Though if my cousin’s coat no longer fits by the time the cold really hits and I need to use it, it’ll probably be a winter coat.

48. can you curl your tongue?

Yes.

49. are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. left or right handed?

Right handed.

51. are you scared of spiders?

Small spiders? No.

Giant spiders? Yes.

Weird looking spiders? Only if they’re too close to me.

52. favorite food?

Pineapple pizza. Apple spice cake too, I guess??

53. favorite foreign food?

Chinese, please and thank you, hit me up with that sweet and sour chicken.

54. are you a clean or messy person?

I try to be clean but depression and lack of energy makes it difficult. But I keep myself as organized as I possibly can and use procrastination to keep stuff as well-put as I can.

55. most used phrased?

I don’t even know.

56. most used word?

I also do not know.

57. how long does it take for you to get ready?

Pft, 7 to 15 minutes to shower on average (depends on if I’m washing my hair or not), fives minutes for face and teeth, five minutes to dress and like three hours to actually get up to get ready. :P

58. do you have much of an ego?

I try very hard not to.

59. do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck.

60. do you talk to yourself?

I used to when I was younger. Still do sometimes.

61. do you sing to yourself?

I used to and then I realized that a) my self-improvised songs are terrible and b) I can’t sing.

62. are you a good singer?

My mom is deaf. My dad has hearing difficulties. My papa’s singing voice is a wail and my granny’s is shrill sadness.

I was not born into this world a lucky man.

63. biggest fear?

Demon clowns. Dying alone. Being alone forever. Not getting to say the things I want to say to people. That I’ll crash and burn before I graduate or sometime soon after.

64. are you a gossip?

No.

65. best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I dunno. The most dramatic movies I can remember tend to be war films based on true stories and I normally check out during that kind of stuff because thinking about the horrors of history and the fact that people suffered and died at the hands of people who still objectively exists freaks me out, sends me into a pit of misery until I combust within myself.

66. do you like long or short hair?

No preference for other people, short hair preference for myself. Currently, I’m growing it out so my friend can braid it then I’m gonna chop it back off when I get home in May.

67. can you name all 50 states of america?

If an American can’t do that, then what makes you think me, a Bermudian who’s only concern with the US is how it will affect me and my country and literally was over-relieved when I got dropped from a US history class, would ever know that.

Case in point, I spent most of my childhood assuming New Jersey was a city and only found out it wasn’t last year.

68. favorite school subject?

Accounting.

69. extrovert or introvert?

Introvert.

70. have you ever been scuba diving?

No.

71. what makes you nervous?

Life.

72. are you scared of the dark?

Depends.

73. do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes. It really depends on the person and the situation.

74. are you ticklish?

Yes.

75. have you ever started a rumor?

No.

76. have you ever been in a position of authority?

No.

77. have you ever drank underage?

Unfortunately, I have? but not anything serious. Just a few sips I didn’t want to take three times throughout my life.

78. have you ever done drugs?

Aside from my prescribed and despite my friends’ best efforts, no.

79. who was your first real crush?

Vanessa Hudgens and whoever that boy who played Freddie from iCarly was.

80. how many piercings do you have?

None.

81. can you roll your rs?“

Yes!

82. how fast can you type?

Who knows??

83. how fast can you run?

I can’t.

84. what color is your hair?

Dark brown with a bunch of purple & pink in it.

85. what color is your eyes?

Brown.

86. what are you allergic to?

Severely allergic to dust mites and extremely irritated by pollen and highly perfumed scents. Which, as far as I’m concerned, means I’m allergic to the damn air.

87. do you keep a journal?

Used to. Don’t anymore.

88. what do your parents do?

My dad is an electrician. He does freelance work for people building houses on-island and my mom is a records management administrator at my bank.

89. do you like your age?

I guess?

90. what makes you angry?

Lots of things. I’m very prone to anger. It’s why the Hulk/Bruce Banner was my favourite superhero as a kid and still is.

91. do you like your own name?

Yes! I do actually really like my name, which sucks because sometimes I get upset or uncomfortable when people refer to me by it and why I like it when people call me Jay, but otherwise my birth name is just beautiful and I don’t think I’d ever be able to give it up.

That being said, I super love the name Jay and when I finally move out of my house and away from Bermuda, I want to try using it more socially rather than just online.

92. have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I don’t want babies.

93. do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Neither. I want another cat.

94. what are you strengths?

I write well, I can speak well and my pale as fuck skin doesn’t let people realize I’m mixed race so, like my friends point out, I get to skirt around the world, practically invisible and I like to work.

95. what are your weaknesses?

Procrastination, tendency to misery over small mistakes, tendency to blow up small things into large problems, tendency to feel abandoned by people who are not abandoning me, inability to properly fall asleep when I feel a lack of affection and touch in my life, inability to listen to people when they ramble on about things I don’t care about, inability to be upfront with how I feel towards my friends and how I feel they’re treating me, etc, etc, etc.

96. how did you get your name?

With my birthname, my mom picked it out from a book, I think?

With my preferred name,I was reading a book about a trans man called “I Am J” and when I got prompted about my name by a friend online, the name just popped into my head, felt immediately right and I used it and connected to it right away.

97. were your ancestors royalty?

I mean I doubt it but I WILL NEVER KNOW.

My mom is black! My dad is adopted! HOWEVER, FINDING OUT ANY ANYTHING ABOUT HER ANCESTRY IS MY MOM’S NUMBER ONE GOAL AND BELIEVE ME, ONCE SHE LEARNS THAT, I WILL LET Y’ALL KNOW.

98. do you have any scars?

Hasn’t this already been asked?

99. color of your bedspread?

Blue and white.

100. color of your room?

Dull green.

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[robotslenderman]

Non-spoilery pre-release thoughts.

OK so I haven’t finished my 10 hours of Andromeda yet, but I’ve gotten as far as the trial allows me for the main story and I’ve got like one hour left of pre-release play anyway.

For those on the tag/those who missed my earlier post, I ended up getting Origin access just for the trial because the “OMG ANDROMEDA IS GOING TO BE AWFUL AND BIOWARE IS RUINED FOREVER” talk was really starting to get to me after I saw the bad face animations. Didn’t want to wait a week because I’ve been excited for Andromeda ever since before ME3′s DLC came out. While I was super hyped and had high hopes, at the same time, I thought I had fairly realistic expectations (”Yeah Bioware’s not perfect this isn’t a bad thing” instead of the “OH GOD I’M NOT GONNA BUY THIS GAME BECAUSE BIOWARE KICKS PUPPIES” bullshit I was seeing around) but… yeah.

It was really getting to me.

So here’s some dot points, no spoilers, under the cut. This covers character creator, face animations, world exploration, and narrative, without any spoilers. Any possible spoilers are referred to so vaguely you’ll have no chance of putting anything together, so don’t worry.

I also have a bit at the bottom covering things I really like about this game.

TL;DR – Guys. It’s fine, it’s okay, it really is. Chill. These issues exist, but they’re tiny ass things you’ll barely notice, like in every other game ever. You’ll love Andromeda, you really will. Yeah, it is DA:I in Space, but it’s also not – it’s DA:I in space, but better.

Honestly, these issues are fucking terrifying when you’re hyped up and can’t see the game for yourself yet and everyone’s nitpicking about these dumbass tiny things like they’re Huge Fucking Issues, but when you do play you won’t run into them nearly as often as people made you think, and when you do see them you’ll shrug and move on and forget about them ten seconds later, like you do about 99% of glitches you run into in other games. 

You’re not gonna hate the game just because Jallo’s legs clip into his seat or Addison stared at you way more blankly than any other character or something, for fuck’s sake.

Character Creator – I had a heart attack with the character creator at first because I thought that all I could do was select premade Sheps Ryders and had heard as such, but it turns out the option to customise those premade Ryders was up the top and not easily spottable. Whew! People are right that it’d be great if we could choose separate eyebrows/etc like in DA:I instead of having to choose a custom Ryder and then fiddle with proportions and so on – you can’t just choose “eye shape 1, eye shape 2″, etc. 

But really? It’s actually no big deal. I was super afraid of this as well, but when actually faced with it in-game I was like “oh, okay, that sucks” and then forgot about it thirty seconds later. It’s okay, guys, really!

Bad face animations – Honestly, I totally forgot the animations were supposed to be bad. Yeah, they’re not great, but nine times out of ten I didn’t notice them until I went, “oh, hang on, aren’t the face animations supposed to be bad?” and actually paid better attention. 

Then it was like, “Oh, yeah, they do seem to have a bit of a vacant stare.”

Then I forgot about them three seconds later and kept playing. No big deal.

The other one time out of ten the bad face animation really shows and… it’s not a big deal either. Like, yeah, it’d be great if they didn’t exist and Bioware please fix them, but when I did run into them, I didn’t become a huge angry beast foaming at the mouth because the whole game was ruined. Actually, I thought they were fucking hilarious. 

And then after the conversation I forgot about it again. No big deal. Seriously. Chill.

There’s a clip I saw of default Sara having a HUGELY blank face but when I ran into that bit in-game Sara didn’t have that expression at all?? It may be because I made a custom Sara, or maybe Bioware sneakily fixed it before I played, I don’t know, but Sara didn’t have that :^) expression I had seen in that exact scene on youtube.

World exploration – “ME:A is DA:I in space!” shrieks the masses, their faces melting from the neurochemical implosion happening inside their skulls. “THIS IS A BAD THING.”

Uh

No it’s not

ME1 had exploration. ME:A’s is way more interesting.

(But I also thought exploration in ME1 was interesting except for the sidequest bits, because I’m the kind of person who loved to drive around on the mako doing nothing but finding spooky shit and then got growly when I wound up in yet another premade husk-infested mine. But I loved just being on Luna and stopping the Mako as I fiddled with something on my desk, and then suddenly hearing those whale-like sounds in space, googling it, finding out those calls were rachni, and running into them again by accident on other planets… I love that. I’m addicted to that. Running into tiny little things like that.)

Yeah the worlds are huge but uh you’re in a Nomad which goes up to 120KMH, it better be fucking huge. You won’t give a shit how big the world is because you’re zooming past it thinking about how cool the Nomad is and laughing your ass off when Ryder goes “~oops~” every time you run over a space desert bug.

(The Nomad is really, really cool.)

Like seriously though, one thing I didn’t like about ME2 and ME3 was that sidequests got narrowed down more and more until you were basically a rat following a preset path in a maze. ME:A breaks away from this. You get to choose what to do next, you don’t go into a special area for one quest and get stuck there until you’ve played it out.

Granted, if you genuinely didn’t exploration in DA:I then I don’t have good news, it is a lot like DA:I so far. It’s too early in-game to be able to tell if it had the same issues DA:I exploration had 

(”everyone put all the sidequests in the Hinterlands!!“ 

“uh. bossman. bosslady. bossperson.”

“yes?”

“other zones exist?”

“they do?? FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”) 

but I’m gonna trust Bioware and while I might end up being wrong, until I see otherwise, I’m just gonna have faith that they evened out sidequests a bit between worlds. I mean, people were Yelling about it non-stop and Bioware’s actually really good at listening to people. stop giving them shit for this, they do listen.

(But honestly reason #1 and #2 I loved DA:I exploration stuff, is #1, exploration always came with lore even when there weren’t sidequests attached such as at landmarks [sadly, ME:A doesn’t seem to have that with it so far, but I’m hoping that changes later in the game], and #2 I loved stimming by just running around looking at pretty shit and also knocking down collection quests. That’s just me, though, I never got bored doing that and found it soothing just being in the world.)

Narrative – OK, so every review site I’ve seen so far says there’s not enough story and I’m genuinely ???? over this because there is way more narrative/squadmate banter in this than any ME or DA game so far, wtf?? Yes, way more than DA:I! 

Like right up to the first planet exploration, it was almost non-stop story, and the bits in between cutscenes were filled to the brim with Liam chatting in my ear and reacting to the world, reacting to Ryder’s actions, making suggestions or adding his thoughts. Radio silence didn’t dominate like in the previous ME games.

IDK why one of the review sites was complaining about people making big deal out of the floating rocks in one world, that was actually hilarious in context and only got funnier??? I guess that writer didn’t have a sense of humour.

On Eos, the first planet that opens up after the prologue/first chapter of story finishes, cutscenes and so on definitely wind down as the game opens up player freedom more. But that’s a good thing so why are people complaining??? every game has a cutscene-intensive beginning, then that winds down as players stop being funnelled through a preset path and get to do what the hell they want. There’s drama, then there’s a breather, and then the drama ramps up again, it’s a cycle that’s common to every good story and game.  And like I said before, you hear way more from squadmates if you decide to wander around after sidequests instead of the main story.

One thing that’s brilliant about this is in most Bioware games, squadmates and companions almost completely ignore sidequests. There’d be token comments and Solas (Silently) Disapproves or Garrus picking a fight because Do It His Way Dammit Shepard, but that’d be it, it’d almost be like the companions weren’t aware that sidequests exists. ME:A so far seems to have fixed this in that squadmates are obviously engaged and invested in the sidequests. I was following a sidequest that involved scanning things lost underneath sand to solve a mystery, and it felt like the companions had something to say at each step of the way – including verbally cringing when a crucial piece of evidence went and chucked a huge fucking wrench into this small storyline. It was great, it really felt like I was travelling with people, for the first time, and not just walking guns.

Also, Bioware is as good as ever at punching you in the Feels. I am not joking. There’s a crucial scene in the first chapter that literally made me cry, it punched me in the Feels that much, and just remembering it is tearing me up fuck fuck fuuuuuck Bioware whY??? FUCK ME OH MY GOD

Interface – Honestly the interface is the biggest bugbear but, again, not a big deal. It’s annoying that I can’t just open and close the map, I have to close the map then close the “esc” options. I hope they fix it, but if they don’t, don’t care. 

There’s also the loadout screen that tripped me up – in ME1-3, you get the loadout screen, then the squad screen. But much like CC, you might miss the squad selection screen because the “select squad” button is in the loadout screen, at the top of the screen, and not easily spotted the first time around. 

You also might get tripped up because you don’t ever have to change squadmates; you load squadmates, and then you have the option of never seeing the “select squadmates” screen again if you don’t want to. I guess this is Bioware’s solution to “everyone always takes the same two companions everywhere” thing that made choosing squadmates kinda redundant. 

But I got tripped up here ‘cause I recruited Vetra, went onto Eos, and… wait, where’s the squadmate selection screen?? why is Cora and Liam there??? I want Vetra??? Went back onto the ship, came back out, nope??? wasn’t until the third try that I saw the little people icon above my guns in the loadout screen, clicked it, “Oooh, there it is!”

Honestly, all Bioware’d have to do to fix that is make the button ping or glow subtly or something to just grab your attention. Once the game “trains” you to check the top of the screen for extra categories, you won’t even notice this any more.

Even though I’m talking about things from a “what’s the big deal” perspective I somehow still make this game look bad, so I’m gonna make it look as good as I actually see it as here:

Overall, things I am loving about this game so far:

The Companions/Characters – 

In summary, every character so far has either hinted or outright shown that they’re multifaceted and that they’re… people. Like human beings IRL, there’s who they are in company, and there’s who they are in private, who they are when shit hits the fan. Every character so far has shown shades of this – except for Drack and Peebee, and that’s only because you’ve only just met them before the trial stops letting you proceed through the story, and I have full confidence they’ll both show to be more than they seem to be, too.

I was fully prepared to be bored by the human companions. I’m not. I love Liam. I love Cora. Liam’s super witty and playful, and as far from boring as you can get. He is no Kaidan 2.0, let me tell you. I had no intentions at all of romancing him but… well, I haven’t decided who I’m going to romance for certain yet, but he’s definitely found a place on the list now. He’s awesome! Even if I don’t romance him, he’ll definitely be my Ryder’s canon best friend.

Cora’s also great. She makes me think of a Mom Friend even though she’s not really Mom-like. She doesn’t fuss or anything. But she is encouraging of Ryder, and is also interesting in that she appears to think a certain way but then the face she puts on cracks a bit and you can see that there’s more to her than there appears to be, and that maybe she isn’t as well put together as she seems to be. She makes me think of Dorian, actually, in that respect – except while Dorian screams “HA HA HA I’M ONLY PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT I’M DOING I DON’T, ACTUALLY”, Cora’s so subtle that you won’t notice the difference between who she is and who she tries to be until the facade cracks. (I also wanna romance her too, oops, I wanna romance everyone who do I romance shit shit shiiiiit)

Vetra is fucking incredible, holy shit. You know how Garrus liked to pretend to be a smooth motherfucker but it was totally see-through and he was a total dork? Well, Vetra is who Garrus wished he was. I have never seen a character portrayed as this smooth and subversive without being a slimeball, but Vetra’s wonderful, charismatic and so damn smooth that she kind of pulls something and you won’t even notice until she’s like “uh, yeah, so it looks like I totally Did The Thing…” and you’re like, “Oh, yeah, she did do The Thing, didn’t she?” because she pulled it off right in front of you so casually you didn’t think about it twice.

Peebee and Drack have both been met but the trial doesn’t go far enough in the story to let you recruit them. For those who follow me, Peebee is as Space!Liriel-y as I thought she was, minus Liriel’s Fight Me. Peebee does what the fuck she wants and is totally casual, but not at all crude or mean. She’s so cute. Drack, in comparison – only met him in one scene, so far he seems typically krogan, so I don’t know what he’s like beneath that mask.

Jaal I have not even seen a sign of yet. No signs of any angara yet.

Alec Ryder is lovely. He’s a total badass. I was expecting him to be this super tough anal frowny Military Father Who Disapproves but… he’s not. He’s great fun, he’s badass, and yeah, he could’ve been a better father, but it’s not a “RYDER HAD A FUCKED UP CHILDHOOD” kind of way, it’s in a “yeah I should tell my kids I love them” kind of way that… every good parent ever has, really. He’s also shown huge signs of having hidden depths, too, and it looks like exploring these will be a major part of a subplot – if it doesn’t wind up tied into the main plot itself.

SAM has some spoilery things that ping me as there being more to this AI than meets the eye, and I really look forward to getting to know them.

Jallo (Kallo? Fuck), Suvi, Lexi, Gil, etc – They seem awesome so far, looking forward to getting to know them better, too!

Nakmor Kesh – Special shoutout to this lady krogan who’s a fucking engineer! Holy shit.

The Other Stuff – 

I am still upset and emotionally scarred by That One Scene. You’ll know it when you see it. oh god. oh gooooooddd.

The characters being better than in previous games only makes the story more engaging. They have way more to say, way more reactions.

Bioware commented once that ME:A’s cast was way more inexperienced than the trilogy’s cast. Without spoiling, at first, Ryder seems to be the only one self conscious about their inexperience, thinking everyone else knows what they're doing. Then it becomes evident that, no, everyone is making it up as they go along, they’re either better at covering it up or they’re giving up on bothering with that. It’s fantastic, it really reinforces the overall theme and atmosphere of the main story – which is “we tried to settle in Andromeda but oops shit went wrong, what the fuck do we do??”

FAST TRAVEL!!

THE NOMAD.

SAAAAAAAAAAAAM.

The overall atmosphere. The characters, the story, the design stuff – all of it supports that atmosphere of “oh shit what next” when Things Go Wrong. It really reinforces Ryder’s own arc of growing into a leadership role. Because when shit goes wrong, it’s Ryder who steps forward. Even though you have the option (much like every NPC ever) of going “FUCK WHAT NEXT” out of sheer panic. Or you can play it cool and pretend you know what you’re doing, like everyone else before Things Went Wrong.

Overall, I can’t wait to get to know the characters better. I adore Alec especially. I am gonna wind up being a huge Alec fangirl, I just know it.

I’m loving this game. I can’t wait until the full game is released. Zero regrets about preordering, all my fears have been laid to rest.

It’s gonna be awesome.

[bpdsafespace]

okay just gotta rant right quick

so once upon a time 7 years ago (i was 16, i’m 23 now) my first boyfriend broke up with me because he needed space and what-not you know the usual line they give you when they want somebody, just not you and he was sleeping with this girl like two weeks later (mind you, we were dating for 6 months and i didn’t sleep with him because he was my first boyfriend and i was like terrified and stuff, wouldn’t even give him a blowjob which is probably why he liked her better but :) don’t even wanna get into that) and this girl wasn’t really friends with me but she was the kinda girl who said i love you to everyone so she was always like I LOVE YOU to me and i’m like haha okay this girl is wild. meanwhile i found out she was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend and i was like wow fuck you but whatever, i was more mad at him. months passed and i ended up being best friends with this girl… how you ask? well, her and my ex broke up and i was like LET’S BEFRIEND THE GIRL HAHA SCREW YOU JOE (my ex) and anyways yeah we were bffs and everything was great and i loved her a lot, she ended up being cool and we’d rag on my ex all the time and it was a great friendship.

fast forward about six months later and i started dating this new guy and this girl’s starting to sleep around and i’m like ah none of my biddnezz w/e girlfriend you do you but she ends up hooking up with this guy who has no interest in being in relationships (i ran into him recently and his number is SEVENTY EIGHT NOW. SEVENTY EIGHT) and i specifically remember an instance where she had a party at her house and everyone was drinking and she made everyone leave DRUNK because she decided she wanted to drive to see him instead of host her party people were counting on her to host. so i’m starting to see the warning signs again that this girl is wild like she’s just an unreliable person and i’m not mad at her for the joe thing but like i know that’s the kinda person she is. so soon after this girl tells me that my boyfriend was flirting with her, now of course i’m like ahhh there’s my girl, always thinks every guy is obsessed with her. maybe i was being a bad friend but i mean, everyone knew she was like that and it’s not like my boyfriend tried to hook up with her… so alright. anyways. my boyfriend HATED her for telling me anything, called her a liar and shit, and i was like okay buddy calm down it’s not a big deal you’re just a flirty person, i’m not mad and i still like her. then some crazy shit started happening like she started cutting herself because of that boy who slept with everyone and she sent a mass text to all of us that she was killing herself and shut her phone off. obviously (or not obviously at the time for me because i never knew it was a thing) the girl has bpd. and even though it was totally attention-seeking behavior, i was like this girl needs attention. so i drove to her house and she was literally just sitting in her room. like no blood, no screaming, no anything. so i’m like. alright. idk what to do. she wouldn’t even speak to me or appreciate the fact that i showed up. my boyfriend ended up swaying me that she wasn’t worth me being friends with and now, five years later dealing with bpd hardcore i’m realizing that that was wrong of me to leave her like that. i realize that. but i also realize that sometimes you have to do what’s best for yourself and she wasn’t good for me. i couldn’t trust her and who wants to have a friend they can’t trust? everything was always about her and she always chose boys over me. and i still thought she told me my boyfriend was flirting with her just to make me upset. add in the fact that she sent her sex buddy some kind of naked video and told him he could show my boyfriend, it just ended up being a mess. so my boyfriend and i broke up and a couple months later i hang out with her again and she tells me SHE SLEPT WITH JOE. and i’m like lmfao that’s wild ok and i’m not mad about it but later i realize wow that’s kinda shitty ok because she always told me she never cared about joe but it was OBVIOUS that i did. but none of my business i guess, ya know, like i guess i don’t have a reason to be mad. even though i kinda do idk whatever. i had a falling out with her again and i don’t even remember why but i don’t think it was bitter.

so i ended up DATING joe again cause i’m a fuckin idiot but HE’S MY FIRST LOVE~~ I LOOVEEE HIM~~ i’m dumb. v dumb. anyways i date him for a good two years and then he ends up cheating on me 3 times with his best friend’s sister and she TELLS ME and i’m like no way you’re a liar and i knock tequila out of her hand all over the floor and my boyfriend is legit CRYING and i’m like fuck her and the next morning, i clean it up because i feel so bad and her brother lets me do it as if i was acting crazy and it’s because HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME IT WAS TRUE!! and anyways that was fucking wild but i push it to the back of my mind and continue to date him for six months later until he cheats on me AGAIN and then breaks up with me because he “needs space” and “is so stressed out” and literally bitches at me for telling him i can’t be here for him right now because my friend’s grandfather just died and i have to be there for her, like basically uses that as an excuse to break up with me because “i don’t care about his problems” and “he needs to be alone to figure it out” and wowee the whole deal was wild, i felt like i was in a movie!! because i found out he was dating someone else like two days later! like? i’m getting soooo pissed right now just thinking about it and yet this is still the guy i’m hooking up with and loving to this day!! I’M STUPID!! anyways

i end up at michelle’s house (my friend not-friend whatever she is who dated joe after me when i was 16) like six months after this happens because a couple of my friends are friends with her still and i thought it’d be awkward but it actually wasn’t like i told her the stuff my ex did and wow writing this i’m realizing the only shit we had in common was my ex!! like lmao i just liked shit-talking my ex with her! so we become friends again but not really friends like i’d see her/hang out with her once in a while. this was a year and a half ago. so everything was fine between us like we were cool but i knew for certain that i wasn’t going to get close to her again and i thought i had a good reason for it. didn’t i? or am i just overreacting? like sometimes when you have history like that with people you can never get that trust back in a friendship and like.. is it wrong for me to not trust her..? or? idk i always had this super paranoid feeling in the back of my head that she was going to hook up with joe again and then she told me that she hung out with him and he “was trying to hook up with her” and i asked joe about it and he’s like haha! that’s funny!! because i thought SHE WAS TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH ME!! so i’m like omfg this is so much fucking drama man what is going on

so fast forward to this new year’s. i end up hanging out with a few of my friends and michelle. everything is cool until we get back to one of my friend’s houses and michelle starts yelling at me about joe. like straight-up. first she’s telling me i deserve better and stuff. and i’m confused because like yeah i’m on and off hooking up with joe but 1. we’re not getting back together and 2. how do you know that? then she goes as far as to be like “JOE WILL NEVER CHOOSE YOU. HE WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE ME OVER YOU.” so i’m drunk and i run out of the room crying because wow that was so mean? and i’m sorry but joe will never choose you over me lmfao like i know he did when i was 16 but you were just a fuckbuddy. like i’m sorry. but joe and i have YEARS of history together. so whatever that was just a really mean thing to say and it confirmed to me that she thinks every boy is obsessed with her and is constantly trying to get in the way of my relationships. so the next day she texts me and apologizes and i forgive her immediately because i’m like okay yeah i get it, she was trying to look out for me. but then i think about it later and i’m like wait… i’m actually mad. so i tweet: “Someone: *treats me badly* Me: *forgives them immediately* Me 2 weeks later, eyes snapping open at 3 am: you know what?? I’m mad at you.” and apparently she’s mad that i tweet that and idgaf if she knows it’s about her because i’m actually making fun of myself for being like this, not her.

so i see her in the bar again last weekend and i’m like to my friends, “DON’T LET US FIGHT.” and they’re like ok but whattaya know, we end up in a fight again. and she brings up THE BRAN (my other bf) SITUATION, basically claims it’s my fault she ended up in a psych ward because of it (uh, no, you were cutting yourself and stuff because of that boy you were having sex with, not because of me bye). so i apologize but apparently my apology wasn’t good enough like i was rolling my eyes or something which i don’t remember doing but I WAS DRUNK. and she doesn’t apologize AT ALL when i go “so you slept with joe to get back at me” - instead she’s like “YOU’RE MAD AT ME OVER OLD STUFF” and i’m like ?? i’m not mad at you over that stuff?? i just know i can’t trust you because of it. that’s different. and you’re the one bringing up old stuff?? like. then on top of that, i tell everyone i’m obsessed w one of my friend’s coworkers that is about to meet up with us and immediately after meeting him, she tells my friend she’s going to fuck him. so i’m like… SERIOUSLY? THIS GIRL IS AT IT AGAIN IS THIS FUCKING SERIOUS

so i tell joe. and he’s like dude you gotta call her out for that shit. so i’m like alright I WILL. so i text her. and she gets all defensive like i didn’t know you liked him and blah blah and again continues to tell me i have a secret hatred for her and that i’m so petty and ridiculous for not just bringing it to the surface. and i’m like wtf i don’t have a secret hatred for you (in my head i’m like: i just don’t trust you… and you’re rude as fuck to me when you’re drunk). then eventually she stops answering me and i’m left like… okay wow great cool, now i feel like shit because every time i stand up for myself i feel like shit!! because people always have a justification for everything they do and they come back at me with stuff i do and it’s just kinda like :) maybe i do deserve all of the ways they treat me :) but like… i didn’t deserve new years. and now i feel bad too because maybe i do have a “secret hatred” for her, like is that what she calls not trusting her? and i only threw the joe thing in her face because she threw the bran thing in my face? so? like? idk now i feel like i’m a horrible person and a liar because i told her i wasn’t mad and now, again, i’m left… mad. and i can’t say anything else because at the end of the day i don’t even want to speak to her anymore because we never see eye to eye and our best friend days have been over for four years now and i don’t need someone like her in my life. but it would be nice to go to the bar with my friends and see her and be civil with her. idk why she always gotta start a fight. now everything is awkward and this happened almost a week ago and i still think about it constantly and i don’t know what to do like should i apologize now i feel so bad and i hate when people don’t like me