#amnesiac disorder

[dikdikpronouncedxylophone]

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

[persmo]

Something that I haven't seen a lot to be talked about in the CDD community is how strange amnesiac barriers can act sometimes

One moment you're talking with the others at front and you're aware of the system, and in the other you feel completely alone and stop knowing about the system and alters like 1-3 months and suddenly they pop up again and make appearance just like nothing happened

When this happens is when I usually get into the denial episodes and start thinking I'm faking, but then they return and I'm more confused than ever

Or when you're normal and suddenly you become hyper aware of your system and start hearing alters that you never heard but aren't new, just the barriers didn't let you know them before

This are just some of the most common experiences we have with the amnesiac barriers and I think it should be talked a little bit more, after all is a primordial part of the complex dissociative disorders

If you want reblog and/or comment your own experiences and thoughts regarding amnesiac barriers!

[chaos-in-one]

"It's important you remember -thing-!"

Girl I barely remember today.

[oatmealdaydreams]

Sometimes, amnesia is so weird because I'll randomly Unlock Vague Memory for a split second and learn something new about myself.

Like this:

My Brain -> hey, you've been fishing before

Me -> oh cool, I didn't know that

Me ->

Me -> what day is it

[auroramosaic]

when memory loss makes you lose memory

[plural-culture-is]

disordered amnesic plural culture is do we even experience enough amnesia to count as DID? are we faking our extreme time losses? are we faking our memory loss? are we fakin-

.

[littlest-bugz]

An alter in the system has this thing that when she gets triggered, she does a self destruct thing.

Like, someone in the system accidentally even just read a tag in a post, and she went on a spiral of looking at things that eventually triggered us to the point of unlocking a trauma memory.

We're still really out of it, and the alters in the system that the trauma happened to have been triggered since then, so it's been flashback after flashback. Thankfully only the same three, and not anything new again.

It's draining, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even, like, on a spiritual level. This shit is just fucking me up and throwing me out of whack. Distraction only does so much to help.

[exams-will-make-me-cry]

The fact that people equates good morals to high intelligence makes me question their supposed "HiGh Iq"

Ya'll stupid on that front fr.

Intelligence Doesn't Equal Morality

Intellect is rooted in ableist systems and stupidity and intelligence are pointless social constructs that don't relate to morals or character.

I try to be a pretty good person, I fight for human rights, I regularly engage in mutual aid, and I care for my community. I try to do the right thing and support causes I care about and make positive changes in the world.

But I also am not very smart. I have several neurodevelopmental disorders, as well as cognitive disabilities. I can’t do simple, basic math, it’s hard for me to remember facts or algorithms, I rely entirely on spellcheck and speech-to-text to write, I failed many classes in high school and I barely passed with a low GPA, I had low pSAT scores and I never took the SATs. I moved around a lot all through school starting in third grade, and I missed a lot of basic fundamentals in learning (like how to do division and multiplication) so when I went to a different school they had already passed it and expected me to know. After my TBI, I could barely read AFTER I was cleared from my “concussion” symptoms because letters and words would flip around and I’d get headaches. Which still happens sometimes.

A lot of people see me as smart because I've learned a lot of academic language and can formulate thoughts into cohesive posts. But I lack a lot of necessary skills and rely on my caretakers to assist me. Things like budgeting and planning are extremely difficult for me. If I need to do simple addition or subtraction, even with a calculator, I quickly get confused and struggle. I forget basic information about myself all the time, let alone other subjects. I'm talking, has to check my ID for my birthday type confused. Doesn't know my name or address or what year it is confused. It happens daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Being able to type out posts like this often takes weeks and many adaptive tools to get there. Focusing is extremely difficult on many fronts, severe chronic pain, ADHD, dissociation, fatigue, migraines, and TBI, are just some of the contributing factors. I struggle daily with many things because of my lack of intellect.

I’m also privileged in the fact that I had some access to education as a homeless youth, that I had some supports in place to help me (towards the end of school), that I was somewhat able-bodied at the time and could walk or bike to and from school when the school system didn’t provide transportation. I was fortunate to have a chance to succeed, and I’m proud that I graduated high school because it was a difficult task for me, and others often aren’t offered that chance or get accommodations. I almost didn’t and I dropped out many times before graduation. I passed on sheer luck and what little privileges I had. 

That all being said, me being stupid (reclaiming it here) doesn't make me a bad person. I don't hurt people because I can't do math. I may mess up things or get confused but it doesn't make me want to harm others.

We often (wrongfully) equate morals with intellect. Being ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’, or an ‘idiot’ doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person. Plenty of evil, awful, and abusive people are extremely intelligent. 

I see this most notably with people advocating for IQ tests to be able to vote. Often from left-leaning people, in hopes it'll make the right (that they view as unintelligent), unable to vote. The reality is, it just hurts some of our most vulnerable members of the community while not actively doing anything to restrict some of the most dangerous members of our community-- those who know what they're doing to harm others and deliberately doing so. My voice matters, and I speak up against injustice and participate in dismantling oppressive systems. Taking away my right to vote won't make the right stop oppressing minorities (which also puts a lot of faith into the two-party voting system, which is a post for another day).

Additionally, legislative measures that discriminate against intellectually disabled people such as IQ tests for voting are also rooted in racism and classism. 

Yes, education can be a vital tool when it comes to addressing discrimination and creating safer communities. But the kind of education that is measured with an IQ test (or any test) isn't the same. Building compassion and caring for others can (and should) happen at any IQ level. We can all practice this, we can all participate.

It harms our communities and stagnates our progress when we equate intelligence with high morals.

[soiarsys]

some alters hold trauma/memories that they didn’t exist to experience / didn’t front during.

some alters have amnesia for moments they were there for.

like that’s really common. you have a dissociative disorder. you aren’t faking if you remember something you didn’t front for and you aren’t faking if you forgot something that you yourself literally did. our brains are trying to protect us. sometimes it does a good job with the amnesia thing and often times it doesn’t. there’s no real way to make amnesia convenient. like a lot of systems only get amnesia from switches, but a lot of us forget the day prior even if no switch occurred.

and although this post is about amnesiac systems, you’re valid if you don’t have amnesia either, or not very much. everyone is different. every system is different.

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat]

Not to make anyone worry, but saying you're a CDD system can make you a target for abusers and bullying.

By stating you're a system

You're disclosing that you went through debilitating trauma at a young age

You're disclosing that you may act like a young child in certain situations, and that child may not know, or understand certain acts

You disassociate to a level where we do not know what was done by/to the collective body

You're telling people that you may have patches of amnesia, disorientation, and where you may split under pressure

Many systems have issues with self harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use disorders and unfortunately, many abusers will take advantage of this

Systems, due to their amnesiac nature, are very easy to gaslight, often by saying that a different part/alter did or didn't do something

But Kyle! What can I do about it?!?

Choose, very carefully, who you tell that you have a system. We try not to tell new people in our life until we're fully trusting that they won't take advantage of the knowledge of the system. Even then, we can count on one hand how many of our in person friends and family are aware of our system.

Avoid linking social media, this includes discord, where you are 'out' about your system to other social media, especially around workplaces. Some workplaces, schools, universities and other places still hold stigma around DID (thank you, Split /s).

Be careful what you tell people about your system: keeping alter counts private, not giving out certain alter's names, using pseudonyms/symbols for alters are some of the ways we've done this. If someone we don't want to know about the system asks about an alter name, the majority of the time, we'll say that they're an OC.

Most people don't know what DID and OSDD are unless they have been in certain circles or happen to have an interest in it, so you are usually safe… but I always air on the side of caution.

Do what you wish with this list, I wanted to put these thoughts out there. Stay safe, feel free to reblog with more ways you keep your system safe.

Drink water, have something to eat, have your meds if you need them, use your mobility aids if you need them, and do something nice for yourself today.

With love,

System Dad (Kyle / 💜)

[werewolf-pack-system]

I don't see this talked about very often, so shout out to the non-disordered systems who have disordered traits!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who have dissociation!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who experience dissociation between switches!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who struggle to ground themselves!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who experience dissociation which is totally unrelated to their plurality!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who have amnesia!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who have strong barriers between members, making it hard or impossible to share memories!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who are amnesiac due to a traumatic brain injury, rather than their plurality!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who forget things easily and have to write notes to remember!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who have to write notes to be able to communicate with other members!

Shout out to non-disordered systems who have both dissociation and amnesia!

And shout out to all the other non-disordered systems who have disordered traits and combinations of traits which I haven't mentioned here!

Too often, we see the assumption that dissociation and/or amnesia + system = disordered, and as a non-disordered system who experiences dissociation ourselves, it's somewhat frustrating to feel left out of the discussions. To be disordered, there needs to be the key element of clinically-significant distress.

So, to everyone from the most dissociated, amnesiac system out there who doesn't feel distress from their symptoms, to the system who has only occasional bouts of dissociation from sensory issues, to the system who has difficulty remembering things due to brain injury, this post goes out to you!

[dikdikpronouncedxylophone]

When you're starting to become aware of memory loss issues:

[beebopboom]

Acrostic ✨Clues ✨

So a neat little thing Good Omens did for the promo for s2 was create some character playlist.

Very quickly though it was discovered that each and every one of them contained a hidden clue word. By taking the first letter of the first word of the song a word related to the character would emerge. For the two examples below the words were “Ineffable” and “Tempting”.

Now this technique is called Acrostic,

Acrostic - a composition usually in verse in which sets of letters (such as the initial or final letters of the lines) taken in order form a word or phrase or a regular sequence of letters of the alphabet

it’s a technique mostly seen in poems to contain hidden words, often the authors name.

but I wouldn’t be bringing this back up if it wasn’t for nothing and that’s because we see this technique in the show as well.

When Jim is really embodying his role as Assistant Bookseller he takes it upon himself to reorganize the books by the first letter of the first word of the first sentence - sounds familiar.

Except he’s doing alphabetically not to contain a hidden word you say? 

Well hold on to that real quick while I point out another clue Jimbriel says,

“There will come a tempest, and darkness, and great storms. And the dead will leave their graves and walk the earth once more. And there will be great lamentations."

Well now that I brought that quote back to your attention we are just going to focus on one particular word, Lamentations.

because what if I told you that the first four poems in the Book of Lamentations are written in an acrostic style.

Not just any style either but where each poetic verse begins with a letter of the Hebrew Alphabet. 

Now the Book of Lamentations is separated into five poems from different pov’s about the destruction of Jerusalem in 587 B.C. by the Babylonians.

The organization and rigid structure to the first four poems was really meant to contrast from the grief and disorder the people were going through. Structure that the last poem loses. Hm Interesting.

(we are not going to be looking into what this book is about I am just pointing out structure similarities here)

Expect this not the only way this structure can be used.

Acrostic structure’s are also often used as a mnemonic device. This is a learning technique that helps with memory retrieval or retention by associating things with something easier to remember, like say trigger words.

So then is it really a surprise that Jim, our Amnesiac Archangel, keeps using this structure subconsciously?

[naris-alter-shop]

ID Hoarder Syskid Alter Pack

requested by anon

🌈 𓂃 Names : Vinnie / Vinny , Axel , Vixen , Alfie , Blinkie , Codi / Codie / Cody , Jami , Jester , Kandi , Sunny , Custard

🍭 𓂃 Prns : they / them . it / its . par / party . fun / funself . col / collector . sil / silly . hy / hyper . kan / kandi . cray / crayons . splat / splatseld . neo / neon

🍡 𓂃 Titles : prn who is forever young , prn who is childish , prn / the kid who hoards / collects , the little one , prn who is energetic

🎉 𓂃 Genders : pupkidcoric , toyfoodgender , kidcrayonix , partykenous , passtickkidcoric , beachtoyic , kidbraclic , puffystickercoric , kiddiecelestic , spookykidcoric

—🪅—

🌈 𓂃 CisIDs : autistic , amnesiac , apd (auditory processing disorder ) , malidaptive daydreamer

🍭 𓂃 TransIDs : permakid , ageflux (4-8) , panspecies , tbi , adhd , npd , wheelchair user , freckled , streamer , idol , permahyper ,

🍡 𓂃 Likes : colorful things , " bouncy " music , coloring books / pages , clowns , collecting things , cartoony art / art styles , ballpits , velcro shoes

🎉 𓂃 Dislikes : bedtime , ends of parties , sugar crashes , dinner without desert , scary things , darkness , lace shoes , sad stuff

—🪅—

🌈 𓂃 Roles : syskid , mood booster , antidepressant , battery , beauheur , fandom keeper

🍭 𓂃 Traits : hyper , joyous , energetic , bright , childish , whimsical

[greenfiend]

Broke: Mlvn is endgame! Byler sucks!

Woke: Byler is endgame! Mlvn sucks!

Bespoke: El has always been an extension of Will. She is literally the gatekeeper alter.

People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) create alters to protect themselves from facing their extreme childhood trauma.

Gatekeeper alter: an alter that controls switching to the front and access to the person’s inner world. Gatekeepers control access to specific memories or protected alters and can, in some cases, prevent unwanted switching. These alters aid in preventing traumatic memories from escaping from the alters who control them, thus throwing up amnesiac walls to protect the whole system.

[henrysglock]

A Word on DID Theory

The hot topic in the Stranger Things theory world lately is DID/systems. So lets put aside all my other theories for a moment, and let's talk about a blatant instance of dissociative amnesia and memory gatekeeping that we've already seen on screen.

Keep in mind that I'm not saying any of this is what actually happened, just that if we view things through the lens of "what if it's DID", this is what it looks like. Cool? Cool.

NINA.

El is a genuine dissociative amnesiac, textually speaking—whether it be that those memories aren't "hers" or that her mind buried them, she still has only snatches of recollection re: the Rainbow Room.

If we want to pursue a hypothetical DID lens, NINA-HNL could be considered El's headspace.

Many individuals with dissociative identity disorder (DID) have an internal world in which they or their alters can manifest as themselves and interact. These internal worlds, which are also known as inner worlds or headspaces, can range in size and complexity. A system with only a couple of alters might have an internal room in which alters that are internally active, awake, and aware might manifest. Others might expand this living room to include doors to bedrooms for groups of or individual alters. Others might have small towns that may even be filled with static "NPCs"...that can interact with alters but themselves are more similar to imaginary constructs than to actual alters or fragments. Even more expansive internal worlds can result when highly imaginative or dissociative systems use their inner world to retreat from the outside world and so play out entire stories within their mind. Different systems may have more or less control over their internal worlds. Some may be able to actively shape and add new aspects to their internal world while others may regulate this ability to a specific alter or groups of alters or find the task impossible. Some systems do not naturally have an internal world but may be able to create one with the help of therapy. (x)

(See also: The First Shadow as compared to NINA, with its objectively "fake" Hawkins, complete with partial sets and characters who mimic Henry in oddly specific ways)

NINA could be seen as a therapeutic method for helping El access her headspace and integrate her system. A key player in this process is Henry.

For El, Henry wears many hats.

Protector: Protectors are alters that protect the body, system, host, core, or other specific alters or groups of alters. Physical protectors might take or try to prevent physical abuse or become aggressive in an attempt to defend against physical abuse. Verbal protectors might take verbal abuse or lash back verbally in order to counter verbal abuse. Emotional protectors might take emotional abuse or comfort other alters to soften the effects of emotional abuse. Sexual protectors might take sexual abuse or attempt to instigate sexual abuse in an attempt to feel more in control of the situation. Caretaker alters are a unique type of protector that is focused specifically on taking care of younger, weaker, or more vulnerable alters or external children. Memory Holder: Memory holders are alters that hold memories that are usually traumatic in nature so that other alters do not have to be confronted by the memories. In some cases, memory holders might hold memories of childhood innocence or of being loved by the system’s otherwise abusive or neglectful family. In these latter cases, the memory holder might serve to preserve these memories untainted by memories of trauma or to avoid confronting the system with the pain of what the abuse has cost them. Memory holders are highly associated with abuse takers, alters that experience trauma so that other alters do not have to. Internal Self Helper: An internal self helper is an alter that holds vast amounts of knowledge about the system, alters, trauma, and/or internal workings. For those who believe in cores, internal self helpers are often viewed as the first alter to be created or as the normally pseudo-separate internal voice of logic and reason that all people possess. Within the theory of structural dissociation, internal self helpers are often viewed as observing parts or hidden observers, both less than distinct states. Internal self helpers may or may not also serve as a gatekeeper.

Obviously, Henry's main function would be that of a caretaker. He appears as an orderly, a literal caretaker:

And he's a source of protection, comfort, and support for El (at least, until she gets a little too close to the traumatic memories being withheld from her, but we'll talk about that later).

Henry also serves as a gatekeeper, a memory holder, an internal self helper, and various other types of protectors.

When Two is verbally bullying El, Henry reprimands him in response to protect El (This being distinct from the behavior of a persecutor, who may instead harm Two for his behavior. See: Brenner). When El "misbehaves" and uses Henry's advice/fuels her powers with emotion, Henry is punished instead while El is kept separate:

Henry, theoretically, serves as a verbal, physical, and emotional protector for El. El misbehaves, but she is not the one punished. El is bullied, but she is not the one who defends herself. In fact, as we see directly after Henry's punishment, El can't defend herself. She needs Henry to protect her. (Which is especially "fun" when her present-day memories bleed in, with Two and his buddies replicating Angela's bullying. El likely wished she had a protector then. Alas, she did not.)

Henry also holds memories for El, ones that Brenner himself claimed were temporarily inaccessible:

Lo and behold, there's Henry, telling El she needs to remember how to use her powers:

He also holds neutral-good memories bringing forward memories, and he brings them forward when he thinks they could help her achieve her goals:

Henry seems to hold immense amounts of knowledge about El (as a real-life caretaker/observer might), and he often serves as a strategist/logical planner for the things El wants to do.

However, if we want to really get into the weeds re: DID, then we must also consider One.

One could be the result of a polyfragmented system.

Polyfragmentation is when someone with DID has many subsystems and layers within their system.

Henry knows about One, and seems to be aware to some degree that One isn't "real", despite him technically existing. One serves all the same functions as Henry, save for one trait. One is a persecutor.

(Brenner serves many of the same functions as One, just to a different degree in terms of power, but I'll touch on that after I talk about One.)

Persecutor: Persecutors are alters that purposefully harm the body, system, host, core, or other alters, sabotage the system’s goals or healing, or work to assist the system’s abuser(s). Persecutors might hold self hatred or provide an outlet for internalized abusive and negative messages. They might believe that hurting the system or other alters is the only way to control them or teach them how to behave and so prevent further and more extreme abuse from outside abusers. They might be reenacting abuse or trying to ensure that future abuse isn’t more harmful due to being preceded by a period of relatively little abuse. Some persecutor alters are introjects of abusers and may or may not understand that they are not actually the abuser themselves. Gatekeeper: A gatekeeper is an alter that controls switching or access to front, access to an internal world or certain areas within it, or access to certain alters or memories. The existence of a gatekeeper is highly stabilizing for a system because gatekeepers can to some extent prevent unwanted switching, failure to switch when necessary, or failure to switch to the correct alter. They can help to prevent traumatic memories from bleeding from the alters who hold them to alters who could not yet handle them. Gatekeepers might police the boundaries between subsystems. Because gatekeepers have control over which alters have access to front, they themselves are often or always near front and so witness everything that happens to the system. They might experience vast amounts of abuse and might present as ageless, emotionless, and nonhuman as a way to process this and cope. Gatekeepers may or may not also serve as an internal self helper.

Both of them could be split from one alter—a Jekyll and Hyde split, almost. Where Henry helps El remember things in a cautious, supported way, One withholds memories and diverts El entirely to sabotage the healing process re: NINA, purportedly for El's safety. We could even theorize that the split between Henry and One lies solely in One's persecutorial nature, given that the other "jobs" double up between them.

One appears after Henry takes punishment for El.

We a distinct shift in goals and behaviors. One offers El unrestricted access to new areas of the inner world, something that Henry never made mention of wanting to do:

One quite literally gives her the key to enter new areas and experience new memories she could not access on her own. He does so after learning that Papa is planning to eliminate her after realizing she's powerful and uncontrollable.

Instead of facing this side-by-side with El and teaching her how to defend herself like Henry may have, One directs El to run and hide from it while he bears the burden of eliminating the "threats".

By eliminating fragments perceived as intra-system "threats", One acts as a persecutor in the name of being a protector.

It's essentially intrapsychosocial mutiny, attempting to release El from the Brenner-Alter's control and clear the rest of the fragments in the lab out of El's main accessible headspace altogether (as well as any memories of how she achieved that freedom).

Fragment: A fragment is an alter that is not fully differentiated or developed. Fragments may exist to carry out a single function or job, to hold a single memory or emotion, or to represent a single idea. Depending on the way that individual systems use the term, a fragment might be any alter that could not survive if left on its own or that could not pass for a fully developed individual without the help of other alters. Fragments usually have not been exposed to enough complex, different, or interactive experiences to incorporate more into their sense of self and so become more developed and differentiated.

(For all intents and purposes, the other lab kids, as well as the nurses and guards, would be fragments.)

This would leave just El/the "core" and Henry/One's little subsystem (into which he absorbed the remaining fragments of the system, save for the Brenner alter, who is too powerful):

This all ^ ^ could serve as a reason why El perceives One as having committed the massacre, despite her flashbacks showing something entirely different: her committing the massacre. It could also explain why the monologue physically could not have happened (it happened solely in El's headspace as a conversation between alters), and the overlap between Brenner's memories and El's pre-monologue memories.

This would make Vecna/One, then, a persecutor alter kicked out of El's headspace and given physical form by supernatural means during NINA—which could explain why he's so unwilling to hurt El in any meaningful way, his extensive female subtext, his obsession with finding/reconnecting with El in general, and his ability to open gates when El is the sole character to display that ability previously.

See also, pre-NINA:

See also:

If you have DID, you may find yourself doing things you wouldn't normally do, such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from your employer or friend. But you feel compelled to do these things.

Nonetheless, taking control back from One during their little battle royale is what allowed El to get control of herself/her powers back—to a degree.

El still cannot handle being a "monster" in any way, shape or form. We see as much just before she enters the end of NINA:

Even before she went in, the only way it was going to end was by packing all her trauma into One and yeeting him out into a new dimension.

She still hasn't faced the real truth, which the real Brenner promises to show her. One has still, hypothetically speaking, managed to install false memories in El's mind, protecting her from the truth even as she banishes him from her mind along with her "real" memories of 1979.

She's not ready to face it.

Furthermore, we do see Vecna being directly compared to El, while the gang in Hawkins fights over what name they're meant to call him:

Even so far as Dustin going about fighting Vecna the same exact way he'd fight El:

For all intents and purposes, Henry/Vecna/One might as well be an "evil" duplicate of El—in terms of a DID theory, he could be a subsystem that El packed all her trauma into/blamed all of her childhood incidents on and kicked out of her head entirely.

Lastly, Brenner as a hypothetical persecutor, gatekeeper, and helper.

Brenner would be the lead/most powerful gatekeeper, since he's "Papa". He's the top-dog of the inner world, and he holds all the keys. He would be considered an introject of an abuser, one who repeatedly does harm to keep order within the system, one who holds all of El's past, and one who gatekeeps literally every single door in our hypothetical NINA "system".

This doubling of tasks between One and Brenner could account for One's "Brenner-isms", as El perceives them as serving similar functions despite the power differences between the two.

NINA Brenner is threatened by One, due to One's desire to take control of the total system away from him and share it between himself and El/the core. Whether that plot was for the better or worse, we'll never know. Brenner retains control, status quo resumes within the hypothetical system.

—————

P.S.— We've also seen in bts leaks of ST5, that Henry seems to have some kind of idyllic "normal" world. It wouldn't be a stretch to call it an inner world/headspace, especially if he himself is hiding or being gatekept from the rest of the hypothetical Henry/Vecna/One "system".

TFS, given its heavy similarities to NINA, could also be viewed through a system lens with Brenner as protector, persecutor, and memory holder—the Mindflayer being, in a hypothetical sense, an invading pseudo-alter.