#almost everyone who ever knew me

[i-will-steal-your-intestines]

i used to write lots of poetry when I was younger. a lot of it was shitty, granted…but it was something…a shitty something..but a something nonetheless. an expression of self.

and i express myself less and less everyday, and i wonder what happened to the me that loved writing poetry, and loved creating art, no matter how bad it was. i wonder where she went.

[drumlincountry]

I am at the stage of trauma recovery that feels like reattaching previously dead limbs.

[pynkhues]

https://www.tumblr.com/nalyra-dreaming/762934616351031296/theres-something-ive-struggled-to-understand

I always wondered about what the anon asked as well. Care to share your reading?

I more or less agree with the OP's answer that it's about Louis not wanting to be connected to Madeleine, but I think the motivation is probably different?

My read is that episode is really about Louis trying to let Claudia go, and that he's acknowledging the complete dissolution of the family unit. After all, if Lestat and Louis' turning was a wedding, and Lestat turning Claudia was Lestat giving Louis a daughter, Louis knowing that Madeleine and Claudia are a love match in a lot of ways turns him into the father giving his daughter away on her wedding day. Turning Madeleine isn't about love for him, nor about having a child, it's about seeing his daughter as a grown woman ready to start her own family without him.

The acknowledgement of Claudia as an adult is not one he's ever genuinely made before - something s2 makes very clear with Claudia having to pose as his daughter again in wartorn Europe, Baby Lulu being the female diminutive of Louis, and then, even more tellingly, with Dreamstat explicitly referring to her as such - and while she's been pulling away all season and trying to force Louis into independence, it's been something he's pretty clearly very resentful of.

Madeleine though forces his hand, because Claudia finally choosing a companion splinters the last leg of their family unit for good. Madeleine is a stranger to him in the way many children's spouses are strangers to their in-laws, and Louis doesn't have Lestat to share the weight of that with anymore (and he doesn't have Lestat because of Claudia, which deepens the resentment). All he knows - which he discovers through turning her - is that she loves his daughter, and I take Louis trying to get the blood out of himself as a bitter and wounded sort of wedding gift.

He wants to give them their freedom, but at the same time the depression he experienced as an empty nester in New Orleans has already set in, he has to live with the fact that his attempt at a family has ended, and Armand's never been as satisfying to take things out on as Lestat was, to say nothing of the fact that he - as Assad put it - doesn't give a fuck about Claudia. At least Lestat gave a fuck, even if he usually gave the wrong sort of fucks, haha.

So yeah, I think it's a sort of attempt at a resentful wedding present, in a lot of ways, to try and give her this thing without being a part of it, and a real attempt to let Claudia go as his daughter.

Little does Louis know though, Claudia's the gothic heroine of this story, and she's not ever going to get out of her father's (or step-father's) house.

[forestgreenlesbian]

.

[camellcat]

right, so, you know how ten and donna are so close they're considered practically siblings? I think that should apply to eleven and amy as well

they're not quite the same type of dynamic, but I sincerely believe that (where ten and donna were on more equal footing with one another) eleven DEFINITELY sees amy as his little sister and, him, her older brother

I've been trying to figure out WHY eleven and amy were so special to me even if I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of his run and I think this is it

I may be wrong bc the only thing going through my brain rn is angels take manhattan and god complex butttt the way he treats her and the way she wholeheartedly believes in him makes me think of that sort of relationship. like they're not sibling-siblings but they're best friend-siblings. if that makes any sense at all

the way the eleven tolerates having rory tag along on their adventures cause he makes her happy (and eventually grows to care about him too), the affectionate/reassuring forehead kisses, how I genuinely believe that if he could've eleven would've done literally anything to get her back, and him being SOO protective of his amelia "you always get what you want" pond. that is his little sister!!! his precious pond!!!

plus the constant bickering. rory tries to say a single word and the doctor shuts him down so quick, but with amy it's just that constant back and forth bc he loves her and it's fun to play fight

he's like her weird, adopted older brother that keeps going off on adventures and who no one else really likes, but she loves him to bits and he would do absolutely anything for her

[yaoianimeremade]

Soon im rly gonna do it

[get-more-bald]

the fuck do you mean I have to leave....

[ech0light]

JUST WATCHED THE LAST 2 EPISODES OF PERSONS OF INTEREST SEASON 2 HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN THIS SHIT PLEASE

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

[silverislander]

rereading a book i loved in high school to annotate a copy. remembering why it connected w me so much

[proto-language]

hrngnfghnfg

[computerpeople]

i feel like recently on facebook ive been like hey guys fyi. im transgender and autistic. and everyones like (flashes me a thumbs up) "yep! sounds right!" and thats so funny

[mbat]

dude it is way too early for this, someone just told me to kill myself over something i literally dont know anything about

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.

[dandyshucks]

i think the issue with me making those polaroids is now i feel like the bar is SO HIGH for myself. listen to me. i am putting my hands on ur shoulders and staring at you. (or more likely sitting several feet away counting tiles on the floor while i speak bc eye contact is uncomfortable and numbers are soothing HFDSJGKL.) i am a mediocre artist i promise. i dont know what happened with those polaroids but i have to go look at the timelapses sometimes to convince myself i didnt somehow conjure those up out of thin air. also theres mistakes even in those art pieces but thats not rly here nor there.

genuinely though most of my art comes out looking mediocre at BEST and only every now and then i get smth i feel like is good enough for sharing dsfjkl u have no idea how many times i have erased eye lines over and over and over again to try to get it to look even halfway right 😭 trying to draw matching eyes is my arch nemesis of the art world alongside hands

[fandom-fae]

it’s actually kinda funny to me how i had drama with this girl bc i didn’t text her enough and then she blocked me like bestieeee i wasn’t gonna start texting u now 😭🫶✨