#and it became so real and she got a huge reality check and she cant look at anything the same

[get-more-bald]

the fuck do you mean I have to leave....

[drifttosleep]

[ My Jonas Brothers : Chasing Happiness Experience ]

introduction: if you know me, you know how much if a Jonas Brothers fan i am. yes, the first band i ever REALLY got into was The Beatles. but the Jonas Brothers was a boyband i really did fall in love with. we all had that one band from our childhood that switched everything up. mine were the Jonas Brothers. the way the directioners loved One Direction was my love for the Jonas Brothers. when i say “the boys,” i mean Nick, Kevin, and Joe. they’re my “the boys.” if that makes sense. 

history:  i remember the day i got into them. i was 10 years old and it was during the summertime. i had just finished watching ‘taking 5.’ a movie about the click five. the girls in the movie had posters and cut outs of the click five on their wall from posters and magazines. at that age, i was already collecting TigerBeat, Popstar!, J-14 magazines. i was too plugged in to the pop culture and the teeny bopper life. my dad was supportive. i was somewhat, inspired, when i watched that movie and checked out my magazines. i found the jonas brothers. i knew OF them and the song SOS and When You Look Me In The Eyes but nothing else. i had a personal computer in my room back then and newly plugged in internet connection. it started with music videos, and then the stupid videos they had on their yt channel, and i just couldn’t stop watching their videos. i watched all their live chats and interviews. i fell in love LIKE THAT. it was the first i ever obsessed about a boyband like this. a boyband in MY LEAGUE, you know what i mean? i obsessed over hannah montana and lizzie mcguire. but it wasn’t LIKE THIS. i grabbed my magazines and starting taping the Jonas posters on the walls. my routine was to watch all their videos everyday. i even went as far as reading fanfiction on youtube. YES. fanfiction USED to be on YOUTUBE. and that’s when crushes began. my bias was joe, at first, of course. then i slowly crept onto liking nick more. until he was my ACTUAL favorite. nick was my first love, i’m claiming it. the boy had me feeling ALL SORTS OF THINGS. the boy had me WRITING AT 11. 

influence: they were a huge influence on me. other than taylor swift and my dad getting me to pick up a guitar and learning how to play it, the Jonas Brothers wanted me to fulfill the dream. their influence on me was HUGE. it was so big that they were my first fashion icons. i broke gender stereotypes (at least in my circle) at the age of 11, you guys. i wore skinny jeans, converse, collared shirts and neckties all the time. they had me wearing denim and corduroy and my parents were so into me being into fashion at that age cause they were all about that in their youth. i mastered dressing like a guy at the age of 11. it just became a thing growing up. cause that’s where i’m most comfortable. i remember when the JONAS show came out on disney channel and the first episode was of nick having a love interest, i cried. 

other facts: 

i collected all kinds of jonas brothers paraphernelia as a child. 

other than the magazines, i had merch. i remember begging my mom to get me jonas brothers merch from their actual website. when she finally gave in, i was ecstatic. 

i had a jonas brothers t shirt and a necklace (it was a guitar pick with their logo on it) 

i also had a jonas brothers mp3 player that i bought when i was in tampa.

i’ve been to their first concert in the philippines. I REMEMBER HOW I TOLD MY PARENTS. i ran to them and said “THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING HERE” and i didn’t even have to ask cause they already knew. 

my bedroom walls were FILLED with their posters. i had over 150 posters on my walls. 

i cut out their photos from magazines and covered my notebooks and pens with them. i sold a couple at school, too. 

you caNT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I FREAKED OUT WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT CAMP ROCK. when it came out in the states, my dad bought a copy of the dvd and i was SO SO SO EXCITED. that’s why i love home made spaghetti so much because it was the meal i was eating when i watched camp rock in my old bedroom for the first time. i squealed half the time. 

them being christian played such a big part in my life because my mom was a strict-ass hardcore christian. and since they wore purity rings, my mom got me a purity ring, too. at 11. which now, seems rather stupid. for me, at least. 

nick jonas & the administration is still one of my favorite albums. HE REALLY DO BE MAKIN ME FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY. for real though. 

i really watched Married To Jonas, Kevin and Danielle’s reality show. it was NOT great but i watched it. 

i even watched some of nick’s movies and i didn’t like any of them really but i enJOYED NICK’S SCREEN TIME 

i did not really stray away from loving them. but i did turn into a teenager. i got into other things and gained a different circle of friends. it was different, okay? i couldn’t just be in love with a rock star anymore. HAHAHA. there were real life boys i kissed now. but still, i did not obsess over anything like that ever again. 

the break up:  i was in high school when they broke up. and even if i had not been keeping tabs on them and watching their every release, i cried really really fucking hard when they announced their break up. i cried so hard that i missed school that day. i was heart broken. and it might not make sense because they are brothers and they’ll really ~never~ break up, it still hurt. 

when i found out about Chasing Happiness, i was stoked. of course, i already knew they had returned back together as the Jonas Brothers. after all the experimenting with other things, they really did return to their roots. 

reaction about chasing happiness:

oh my GOD 

BABY JONAS BROTHERS :( 

FUCK. 6 MINUTES INTRO PLAYING

baby nick in les mis :( 

okAY SO IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY 

okay so the purity rings were a fucking joke i dont feel so guilty about it anymore

niley :( lowkey cried to niley at a young age but whatever 

fuCK EVERYONE WHO MADE FUN OF KEVIN. HE’S AMAZING 

please be mine :( 

crying

joe and nick making fun of kevin on the phone with danielle

joe calling danielle “kevin’s future wife” :( 

JUST FRIENDS :( 

THE NICK J SHOW 

camp rock :(

more crying really 

YEAR 3000 :( 

okay so basically, it was a ride of emotions. 

it really was though. i also felt like i time travelled. LITERALLY. it felt like i was in my old room again watching the Jonas Brothers on old YouTube. you know. before google bought the damn thing. but for real, it felt that way. it felt like i was reconnecting with my old self, too. the 10 year old me. 

no, wait. even better. it felt like i was reuniting with old friends. the scene when the 3 of them were just drinking and reminiscing and confessing about the old times was so intimate that i felt like i was there. everything they talked about (except for hating each other and how they ACTUALLY broke up), i knew about. they were my whole life back then, really. it really felt like a reunion. like them getting back together meant we were getting back together. the love for the Jonas Brothers. my fangirling over them. god, it sounds so cheesy when i say it out loud. but it really does feel like that. 

it was so familiar and so foreign to me at the same time. they talked about everything they used to never talk about back then. they just let it out in the open, really. and i saw how much they’ve grown. and i saw how much i’ve grown. how i am far from who i was at 10 years old. 

but when they sang ‘please be mine’ along with the old video of them singing it, i felt myself reconnecting with my younger self. i felt her smile at me and hold my hand telling me that the good will always resurface. and fuck yeah, i got that out of the Jonas Brothers. they’re the part of me that remains innocent. they’re a part of me that remains untouched and untampered with. because my heart was whole when i loved them first. and i think it’ll remain that way. 

it hit me harder than i thought it would. and i knew it would hit me. the documentary, i mean. it was beautiful. downright, beautiful. they’re a huge part of who i am today. and i am so so so proud of that. 

[allbeendonebefore]

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself. 

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[agingerwithaseoul]

I want to talk about feeling distanced from a part of yourself, or rather separating a toxic part of yourself and convincing yourself it’s not really you.

I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to play the victim here at all. I was faced with a challenge and i failed it. I was weak where i very easily could have been strong. I was put into a very uncomfortable work situation where I was the most depressed i have ever been in my life. I had to sit in the kitchen at work because i would just be crying uncontrollably at the office. It was everything from minor sexual assault to not having a bed for 3 months. I was being emotionally abused for 3 months straight by the person who basically controlled my job, my housing, and the opinions of everyone around me.  This then continued for many months after that.

Because of my depression, the new people I was working with treated me in all different ways.  Some were over the top supportive and asking me how i was doing every day tears or no tears, and some were the opposite.

By the end of the summer I had lost 20lbs and was trying to figure out how to see a therapist with no american medical insurance. I had to ask my abuser if the company would cover my therapy and his response was ‘you need to make more friends.’ I never got treatment. 

I came back to Korea with my depression for 6 more months, with the treatment by the new coworkers getting even worse, which in turn made me treat them poorly too. That’s when the toxicity of my personality became clear. Luckily I had my best friend and my boyfriend with me in Korea so I wasnt facing it alone, but my depression was turning into something much more dangerous. This was the first time in my life I had met people that unapologetically made me feel horrible and openly ignored or belittled me and my defense mechanism was to try to do the exact same back which, doesn’t work. During this time I also had an infection that almost cost me my kidney, they’re both permanently scarred. I didn’t go to the hospital early on because I didn’t want to miss work and give my abuser an excuse to scold me. Later I needed surgery.

The coworkers were taken out of my life without much closure, but the anger in my heart was still there. It was like a bad break up where I check up on their instagrams not knowing what I’m looking for. Do I want them to be unhappy? Do I want them to be happy? I dont know and its unhealthy.

My depression significantly lifted nearly simultaneously with me not having to deal to those people and after I started YouTube I was so happy! My best friend had just moved away so I was suddenly missing a huge piece of my life. YouTube was something that was motivating me to leave my house and the comment section was where I had most of my human interaction. 

Looking back on it now, I was much lonelier than I would ever admit to myself. As for my boyfriend, youtube was like my own little world so we never talked about it and it felt very private and very mine. He is always a shining light for me, but only recently did i let him into this part of my life.

Though I thought my depression had left me alone, something happened that proved I was wrong.

I had done something that was misunderstood, and it was the first feeling of being attacked that I’ve had since the time I was depressed. This misunderstanding caused someone to do something so small and so petty that it shouldnt have bothered me, and writing it here seems so stupid, but it really hurt me.  My best friend had left, i had started this new fun creative adventure and every time i logged in i would be met with a small gesture of hate. To them it probably felt like nothing, and looking back on it I should definitely have been able to handle it, but at the time it felt like i had made these special paintings and every day i’d find someone poured a bucket of red paint over each and every one of them. It really sounds so dramatic but I was (or maybe still am) emotionally weak from basically 2 years of emotional abuse and it got deep under my skin.

Everything about this situation was so petty that I didnt want to talk to anyone about it, so I buried it. Then I gave up. It was like someone kept picking on my scab i was trying to ignore and i took the bait. I got angry and acted out, but it was worse because i had the internet and i could be anonymous. And my actions hurt people. I hurt people. And i can never undo what i did or excuse why i did it.

The scariest thing about this was, i was able to completely separate the me that was mean in this one space online, from who i was “in real life.” That person i was being was the opposite of the morals and standards i hold myself to “in real life” even though so much of what i consider my “real life” is online. This is where im going to get confusing because to be honest im still confused.

There was a part of me that felt satisfaction seeing people agree with some mean thing I wrote online at the same time i’d feel totally ashamed and guilty and i couldnt sleep because of what i did.

I know i seem really positive and happy and like a supportive friend and i am, but there was a small part of me that wasn’t or still isnt, i guess,  because i know even though im suppressing it, its still there. What was most unhealthy is that i was so sure it was just an internet persona that i didnt consider it to be a part of myself. The person you see on youtube or tumblr or instagram is honestly who i am, its not a fake personality i put on, thats genuinely how i am if you were to meet me on the street. But i refused to accept that that isnt completely me. There’s that 1% of me that is a person i loathe, that im ashamed of, that i wanted to stop being, but part of it felt like such a release to play that role.

I was so ashamed of myself that i couldnt tell anyone. Even my friends that i really trust, it was such a private thing that it almost felt like it was part of another world. Not the reality i lived in. again, confusing but thats just how i felt and honestly still feel a little bit. I didnt want to tell people about it because i didnt want them to think that was who i am, but really it was just i didnt want to admit that that was who i am.

Then one day, it really hit me how badly i had behaved. I felt ashamed and i knew i needed help.

Luckily i have a friend who is understanding. I had lied to her face many times when it came to this dark side of mine. I knew she needed to know and i trusted she would have the best advice and wouldnt sugar coat things for me. And luckily i was right. She listened, and she held me accountable. Now that i finally let someone in and that someone was able to tell me point blank ‘what you’re doing is wrong and unhealthy’ i felt the ability to come forward to the person I hurt. Whether or not they believe me or accept my apology is out of my hands, but now that I know I told the truth, I can begin to move forward. 

Now I’m working on figuring out what it was that made me act like that. Why was my reaction to such minor harassment so cowardly? What is it that affected me so strongly? How i behaved makes me feel actually nauseous and I know I will never do that again. I hurt people because i could and thats unacceptable.

With online behavior nowadays especially here on tumblr or youtube, its so easy to be someone you arent.  But as you act out that persona long enough you have to accept that its not some persona, its you. Its me. I took those thoughts and words from my own mind and put them out there by my own choice. That rude person is a part of me and i need to deal with it. I think having a great support system around you is important and i lost that now that i have such infrequent contact with my friends.

So if you’re reading all the way through, perhaps its because you’ve felt something like this to? Maybe not taking advantage of online anonymity but maybe you have a small part of your personality that you’re not proud of, that you separate from your true self.  I hope you can accept that that is also you and that we all need to work on that if we ever want to grow.

I’m sorry if this is coming out of seemingly nowhere because this is so not my personality, but it is. Its something i am going to deal with and i hope that this inspires anyone else to reflect on some part of themselves they’re ashamed of or distanced from. To accept it as part of you and to grow from it. You cant fix something if you pretend it isnt really there.

Im sorry this was vague and i will feel uncomfortable talking about this with anyone that isnt someone that knows the situation so im not going to answer any comments about this but please see this is as my first step in acknowledging and moving forward. Thank you for listening if you’re still here.

[sweetlifetownsville]

From 'No Water Crisis' To Permanent Water Restrictions? Mayor Mullet Swims Upstream

The TCC has just announced revised but renewed water restrictions, without the decency of an explanation. Are they permanent? And if so, why, and will water rates be suitably reduced? Or are they just letting out water infrastructure settle down after the flood (ha!)?Another masterstroke from the council officially found to operate a culture of secrecy. Also The Pie recently indulged himself with a small rant about police representatives so often turning the narrative to the trauma suffered by officers when they attended confronting events, and in some cases pushing the real victims into the background. Well, it would seem Bulletin iditor Jenna Cairney has taken a leaf out that playbook, giving her own staff hero status for simply doing their jobs. Now its got really embarrassing. Also this week, a tiny overlooked flaw in the new stadium makes a mockery of the papers completely silly look into its future And why didnt we think of it: the Popes obvious insight into the sinning of Cardinal Pell. (Bentley is on a break this week.) So first As Nana Used To Say, Self Praise Is No Recommendation. By tradition, print and online journalists have always sought the powerful but respected recognition of their work through by-lines, never unnecessarily inserting themselves into any scenario they are writing about, and generally they and their work used only to come in the public spotlight around Walkley time. Times have changed, and journalists are now players rather than observers, as perceived glamour and power infest newsroom and the minds of those undignified and egotistical enough not to know better. Jenna Cairneys cliched gurgling about the Bulletin staffs reporting of the floods(indeed admirable if after the fact) has taken wing on a monsoon of congratulatory self-praise, which is bound to end in a crash landing. The Bulletins people certainly did their work under difficult circumstances, meriting an in-house herogram. But the self-congratulation, carrying the hidden agenda of regaining public trust, is reaching a nauseating stage. But it was this excerpt from a two page AD for themselves that raised the hackles of some.

Jenna Cairneys particular take on the role of digital media is simply nonsense amply demonstrated by an angry reader below, reinforced by the utter tripe about the the nature of the Astonishers FIFO staff (bye bye, Clare Armstrong, leaving so soon, after what, 12-15 months?). And one of those looking askance at that empty breast beating was a person very prominent in the fight for Townsville water security who sent this email into The Nest. She chooses to remain anonymous at this stage, obviously mindful of the albeit waning power of the paperand the propensity of News Corpse to bully people. She writes: Oh Jenna.It goes without saying that the community is sad at the now widely publicised loss of your possessions and property damage during the flood. Its also sad that Bulletin journos (who were doing their job covering the event), came home to a stressful reality.Many people who were on duty and others who were simply volunteering that night, met with similar devastating scenes. So why the need to raise your staffs salaried contribution above others in that two page essay? (Feb. 28th excerpt above). The difference is, that in your role as a Newscorp editor, you can take out a free double page ad that more than hints that Bulletin staff were behaving altruistically. Its your job and theirs Jenna, to cover local events and to report the stories. Its what newspapers do. As for breaking news, sorry, the reality is that the official sources and conventional media combined, did not provide as much timely information as they could have, either in the lead-up or now beyond the inundation. The lag time is well known and the nature of alternative news sources most people turn to now. Social media was way ahead from the get-go with updates and locals were able to have real time conversations street by street. Twitter and other apps were abuzz. The online Bulletin discussion was comparatively quiet. A new FB group NQ Disaster Watch and Noticeboard was convened within hours and membership swelled to over 30,000 in a day or so. If mainstream media (MSM) like yourself were the go to source, thered have been no need or the huge momentum that saw this community group formed. Other social media groups connected so the updates were informed, continuous, and illustrated with live footage and heartbreaking images of the unfolding event. Many of these were subsequently used by MSM. Beyond the critical hours, was the paper the first media source to warn and educate residents about the deadly likelihood of meliodosis? How about Ross River and Dengue fever? Instead, a freshwater croc up a gum tree was a major headline, so much so that it became a Newscorp icon nationally.

Will the Bulletin give other local groups a free column or page to boast about their contribution? How about the army, SES, police, charity groups, volunteers from near and far, neighbours helping each other, strangers risking their lives to rescue people and pets? Further claims in your Feb. 28 essay are frankly unrelated. Helping to get funding for water infrastructure? The one-year-wonder fifo journo who first took credit for this, has moved on already, with this spurious claim on her CV. The paper always publishes the truth? Only local journos contribute? Paul Murray is local? While were at it who are real people? This story hasnt come across as intended Ms. Cairney. At least there were only a few grammatical errors. So take off the true blue Aussie hero cape wee Scottish lassie and stop telling the local community they area breed apart. That label is better reserved for some prominent individuals who spruik or are spruiked about in your small scale publication. Whew, The Pie will be out of a job at this rate. Jenna, the fact that you felt you had to say what youve said vulgar, condescending trite waffle while at the same time desperately pleading to be loved gives the lie to the fact that YOU KNOW the Bulletin lost any real touch with this community a long time ago, and you hoped this was an opportunity to re-establish this limping paper as part of the core of this community. Given the immediacy of your paean of praise, so soon after the crisis and is still an on-going emergency, readers (such as they are) can smell the desperation. And this embarrassing overkill in claiming some sort of achievement by your troops when they were simply doing the jobs they were trained for and are paid to do, has all but wiped out any goodwill the paper re-established through an outstanding effort of after the fact reporting one of the citys greatest disasters. But Hey, Maybe Thats Your Idea Of A Welcome Mat Wonder wholl be winging in for this one.

Hey, maybe the mayor will name and shame you if you dont choose a local to take the helm. Oh, wait a sec not likely, given that the mayor who took a wet lettuce leaf to smack insurance companies who might dare to use out-of-town tradies to fix up flood damage, appeared a tad hypocritical. Apart from buying her mayoral chariot (plus shipping costs to Townsville) out of revengeful spite in Brisbane, Jenny Hill chose not to buy local when she needed legal representation in her losing stoush against Clive Palmers defamation matter. Instead, this firm in Adelaide Street in Brisbane. Forked tongue doesnt even start to describe it especially when she uses the VIP lounge of the airline she wanted us all to boycott Qantas. The Chatterati At Full Pelt Over Clives Guest List Speaking of Clive Palmer, perhaps more has been made of just who didnt attend his so aptly titled Titanic dinner, rather than who did. Plenty of Townsville C-lister desperates rolled up, and plenty named on the table plan were no shows. The standard reply when asked why they went along from some was curiosity (fair enough) and others for the feed and free booze (even more honest). Several said the tucker was terrific. Plenty of ice buckets too, one imagines. Like everyone else, The Pie trolled through the list and had a quiet chortle at a few of the freeloaders, but read nothing into it, all pretty predictable. Except one. Check out who was, apparently sitting next to our old mate, Tony Raggatt on Table 20.

One Andrew Crook, who presumably (if he turned up, and cant imagine he wouldnt have) flew in for the event from his Gold Coast base. Now The Pie wasnt there, and it turns out Australia has Andrew Crooks surplus to requirements, including a well regarded legal eagle. But the old birds money betting that it was this bloke, Clives former media adviser.

Hey Clive, if that is external lap band surgery for your tucker intake mate, it aint working. Now Mr Crook is a kinda upfront guy, who for a couple of decades ran his own media company with the very upfront name Crook Media. Based, where else, on the Gold Coast. And it is Crooks good fortune that his old boss didnt have his Titantic knees-up off-shore, because, unless things have changed, Mr Crooks passport has been in the custody of the AFP wallopers for a few years now. This is why.

The matter return to court on a most appropriate date , April 1, where a trail date may finally be set. Not wishing to pre-judge anything, but The Pie hopes that after Mr Raggatt shook hands with his dining neighbour, he counted his fingers. When The Real News Goes Away and Jenny and Lil Patty are back farting rainbows for the The Astonisher to print, wonder how long before the money sinkhole called our new stadium will be back centre stage. One would like to think that recent events might have caused some nervous reassessment of this foolhardy waste of public money. Its the classic good news and bad news. The good is this, reported by Australian Leisure Management magazine:

The Queensland Department of Housing and Public Works, leading the delivery of the new stadium, has advised that while the site was affected by some water logging as a result of the extreme rainfall event it did not experience overland flooding. The Department advised 100,000m3 of fill was used to raise the building platform above the Q100 flood level before construction commenced. Which is as it should be, but while that is an accurate summation, its not good news at all for the short sighted, bull headed rush to built this white elephant. A little while ago, we got this pants-wetting dopey glop from the Astonisher.

Bit late in the day to realise this snippet of the bleedin obvious, youd think, especially for a council and government who both love a good old, protracted jobs-for-the-boys business study followed by a feasibility study for as a trifling matter as what to do with some dilapidated tin sheds on Flinders Street West. But in the hands of the nameless author of this inane bit of tub thumping (hi, Jenna, that you again, luvvie?) the blind idiocy reaches new heights when we read this:

Sure, perhaps it shouldve been: with a population one third again as large as Dunedin, and high profile footy team like the Cowboys, Townsville would be set to match that part. But The Astonisher yarn goes on

But there may be a teensy weensy problem with the entertainment ideas when compared with the Barr Stadium. Here, see if you can spot it heres the Forsyth Barr (just two rs, thanks, Jenna)

Forsyth Barr stadium, Dunedin and heres what our new economic saviour is going to look like when finished.

Spot the difference? Yes, your right, ones GOT A BLOODY ROOF AND THE OTHER HASNT. Bottom lime: our new stadium may be flood proof, but it certainly isnt rain proof for any entertainment ambitions. And entertainment business is risky enough, dont think that wont be noticed. Once again, the vision of Mr Magoo infests our planning leadership. Speaking Of Which, Two Questions Have a look at this, then contemplate two questions:

If the staff at the counter in Walker Street can tell you what you want to know if you visited the Flinders Street office, why do we have extra staff to do that in a rented CBD premises (when its open)?Why open an office in this location anyway, the sadly true dead heart of Townsville, where there are bugger all people wandering about? Why not at say The Willows, Stockland, or Castletown? Or have they done that, lots of votes out that way, yknow? This wouldnt an abortive attempt yet again for Mayor Mullet to use public money for her electoral campaigning? Nah, she wouldnt do that. Would she? And Seems Another Magpie Prediction Is True On more than one occasion, The Pie has suggested we need to change our approach to water usage in Townsville, and has been waiting for the well reasoned debate on the issue. Fat chance. Thats not the way they do things down in the Hermit Kingdom in Walker Street. It is rule by fiat and stop whingeing and wanting a say in these matters, peasants. With the amount of water around at the moment, this TCC ad in the Astonisher yesterday phrased to make it sound like happy days are here again is apparently Mayor Mullets way of announcing water restrictions are here to stay.

This may indeed be a sensible and prudent forward looking move, but questions remain dangling in the face of the inundation that has just sucker-punched our city, isnt the almost comical announcement worthy of an explanation? But more importantly, will we keep paying for water we cant use? Will water rates be reduced? Wouldnt like to be in a dark room with George Pell waiting for an answer to that one. Speaking Of His Un-Eminence, In Defence Of George Pell, By The Pope

The simplest undeniable defence that the kiddy-fiddling cardinal could have used came too late for him. No less than the Pope had the excuse for Pells abominable actions a few days ago in Rome Pell is, according to the Pontiff, a victim in all this. This from comments during the week. The Magpie February 27, 2019 at 12:32 am(Edit) Can you believe it? The best the Pope can do is say child abuse was Satans doing in other words, THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT!!! There was a time when that wouldve been a few hail marys and off to another parish to prey on. Perhaps that has changed now, but not a skerrick of real responsibility, just the old fairytales that have always worked before. They have either learnt nothing, or will continue to trust their evil style of infrastructure that invites nay, virtually guarantees abuses, and not just sexual ones, but emotional ones as well. The devil is indeed involved, but hes not at the gates, hes got the keys to the city. Vatican City, it would seem. (And all other religions, bar none). But for all that, The Pie totally agrees with one conclusion of the Vatican meeting of the boys in their pretty dresses and helicopter caps they said something concrete must be done about the child abuse by the predatory priests. Too right it must, and allow The Pie to suggest that this would be a the most effective CONCRETE idea

these should applied with great force to the offending anatomy to ALL paedophiles but make sure you keep your thumbs clear. Its A Week Of Questions, So Heres Another from Comments Well it is a hot air event, Canberras annual festival of Balloons. But there was a disgraceful excess of it before any flight lifted off. So heres the question: How is this OK for public consumption, kiddies and adults alike

but this is not?

Answer: Because some disturbed PC drop kick judged that it looked like a golliwog, and thus had it banned from entering the event. But what if it does look like a golliwog to some (it nowhere near does, anyway) maybe to black people, it might make them feel included? Did anyone ask? And the swerve in eligibility is a bit late in the day, as this completely unremarked appearance in 2011 attests.

Think we need another pair of bricks. When The Book Is Written, It Will Be Called Trump And Consequences This weeks gallery from the world according to Trump, who it would appear, has met his match.

And Finally, Is Theresa Mays Brexit Rocket Finally About To Blast Off?

. The world has survived another week, so look back and start working up your outrage and have a thunder in the comments, which run 24/7. As you know, this load of old cobblers is a labour of love (for Townsville) by The Pie, and it will always be free, but if you can help defray blog costs and the estimated five days it takes to put this weekly missive together, a donation is always appreciated and most helpful. The how-to-donate button is below. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/astonisher-iditor-jenna-cairney-does-a-sally-field-pitifully-wailing-you-like-me-you-really-like-me/

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

The Great ATOG Reread part 5

I - finished. I feel dead inside.

Also, hi @cinnamon-t

Chapter 24

And we’re still in the recovery period, but meanwhile, Draxie is low key not so low key breaking down, which worries BB and Ghostly.

Who isn’t low key breaking down? Who is high key breaking down? BLAINE DEVON. He’s recovering in his own way. He is slowly realising he’s capable of killing other people without thinking. Now, this is ATOG, so they talk it out and blah blah ‘PHALANX SIGHTING FUCK YEAH OMFG’, but this will always be important for his character arc. His humanity and it sometimes blinds him, is dangerous. Grey delves right into that.

(You remember that message we got a couple of weeks back, from someone who said they were Phalanx and they needed help … ?)

Ash

MIKE FUCKING CHANG.

The building behind him burns like the apocalypse, and the firefighter holds the oxygen up for him, his whole body sagging too needily to that mask. 8 Die In Arson Attack, the headline states. NY’s New Hero Saves 12.

This is how Mike and Tina got so involved. This also shows fuck much they love the Ghost. And also, for the first time, Mike doesn’t regret chosing this career.

Chapter 25

Kurt is so fucking bored, he starts watching The Wire, and wow, Blaine isn’t the only fanboy anymore. Unfortunately, I don’t think Kurt can handle the blogs, otherwise he could’ve made one and followed Blaine.

Speaking of fangirls, BB and Ghostly know what Draxie has done. And so does Kurt. 

(Why must they? They’re not me, they’re decent people. And it’s not stupid and small and childish. You think it’s stupid and small and childish for Blackbindings? It keeps her *sane*, it keeps her *alive* and we both know it. And Draxie, what you write isn’t childish. The feeling in it is real. Your fic actually does come from your heart and people can tell that when they read it.)

Of course, Kurt isn’t happy, but after skimming through Draxie’s blog, he warms up to her. He doesn’t know she still has this low key breakdown. This is where Ghostly, the bitchy voice of reason, comes in.

Draxie got her reality check. She’s always known they were real, and she hasn’t really been disrespectul towards them through her fiction (compared to those fucking idiots who wrotie NC-17 Ghostzilla non-con what the fuck), but it hurts. These people are real. And oh wow, they love each other.

Ghostly is right. It’s time to write again, but this time with her new knowlegde.

Chapter 26

And so it begins.

The vigil. Phalanx attending it. RACHEL BEIGNNG AND IDIOTPC PEIECE OF SHIT???? Character wise, Rachel is well written and kind of amazing in the fic, but do I like her? Shit son. I don’t know. Rachel is a terrible friend, she’s a bigot, she’s judgemental, and she puts her bitterness and pettiness over her ability to think rationally. That’s the main problem. She can’t handle any kind of rejection, so she turns crazy.

At least one good thing comes out of this chapter:

All the Other Ghosts, ghostlanx, R for the kind of violence and threat you could actually expect while superheroing. Because the city is so dark on a night, and what ‘hero’ means to the Ghost can’t just be what he does. 

Chapter 27

(the Ghost wants to smack himself in the forehead, she might as well be waving a sign that says Please mug me!)

This is what I mean.

Rachel’s naitvety and innocence can get her killed jesus fucking christ. Honestly, innocence isn’t the main problem, but her reluctance to listen to someone who’s at least a bit sensible is very frustrating.

But Rachel isn’t the only one with a change of heart (I mean, she kinda has to change her opinions after she finds out the one man she hates the most is actually her best friend and roommate). Sam has his too. I don’t blame Sam for being desperate, although yes, he could’ve thought it through.

And oh- the Ghost realises he is going to die and he only has one person on his mind.

Falling in love was like being the first person to walk on the moon, virgin ground, nothing but his footprints and so many stars. No-one had ever said that this existed. Like no-one had ever been here before, this was so new, so sudden, so unforeseen, so delicate, like it was too much to last. Too pristine, too perfect, so bright the light fractured into tears … nothing so perfect can last in this life. Blaine. More joy than he knew there was in the world, Blaine, and his throat closes. He had so much. He was so rich with love. Maybe too much over too soon is better than a bare trickle paid out through the parched length of a life. Maybe …

Chapter 28

BB has the package, but not for long. (oh, and Blaine totally fanboying about her fic gives me life)

Back to the action. When I first read it, I almost lost my shit when I realised the ‘doc’ is Mr. Schue. It quite fits if I may say so. This entire ordeal also focuses on one of the main problems in the world: how people look past humanity.

Every time something shit happens in history, it’s because people look past humanity. 

The Team makes its first appearance. To this day, I still don’t know how to feel about that team. Sure, they helped them out and by the time Grey ended, the Ghost and Phalanx could rely on them and call them their friends, but a lot of ugly had to happen for that to succeed.

And this is what he’s bringing to save the Ghost’s life, an ill-assorted gang of people Phalanx just met, half of whom have tried to kill him previously while the other half seem more interested in arresting the government traitor than saving his life - and himself, and Finn, too scared to think straight - he has to save his life and this is the best he can do?

Chapter 29

“Because it’s so hard being you. It’s so hard being different and special and you get away with anything you want, you get to rescue people and the rest of us are just here to be rescued, we’re just cattle, aren’t we? You’re the one with the powers, you’re the one who put on the costume, you don’t get to whine about how hard it is being you when all along you’ve been acting like you get to be special and everybody else -”

Wow, I am not like the Ghost. I am all for killing this dude. What is it with people who think they know the Ghost? What is it with people who think superpowers are a gift? Do they honestly think it’s a privilege? Oh for fuck’s sake.

And the Ghost has a full blown panic attack, Phalanx isn’t there, but he knows the Ghost must be going crazy. They both know what those powers mean to the Ghost, and the moment Schuester grabbed the Ghost’s face, he lost it. Gosh. The Ghost. So helpless.

Yet, Blaine is the one who makes him breathe again.

Schuester isn’t the only one who completely misunderstands having powers. It’s not cool. It’s not a great thing. Sure, it can be, but it depends on what you do with it, but it’s not a gift. Sugar finds out. Just like Rachel, her naivety almost kills her. Jesus fucking Christ Sugar.

Chapter 30

I just read seven months worth of fiction in four days or so?

This ending is perfect and filled with happy endings. 

Kurt’s back home and his dad is on his way.

Phalanx is still out there.

Kurt gets a huge promotion- hooray!

Draxie gets the gift, which happens to be the belt of her dreams. Therefor, all the money she was going to spend can be used for other things, which saves her quite some stress.

Rachel’s final rapport.

KLAINE AND TIKE DINNER WOO! (oh and Kurt low key realising the team could be something)

Happy day in fandom.

Kurt recovering and Ghostly verbally bitch slapping everyone.

DRAXIE AND MR. DRAXIE FUCK YEAH!!

And of course

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NO YES shit. Oh shit, I’m not breathing properly. It’s him? It’s *him*?? i actually just cant (GHOSTLY GHOSTLY GET ONLINE GHOSTLY) (BB!!!!!!!) (ONE OG YOU FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!) Draxie have you seen the pics yet??? crying too hard to type can’t. can’t.

The last part was so wonderful. It felt so fitting to end this story at Pride and with the Ghost and Phalanx finally being able to take a fucking bow. This story ended on such a high note, you almost forget Grey exists.

But that’s one fucking wrap.

Speaking of Grey, I will read it. Grey is my favourite and it’s the only fanfic I straight-up call literature (and because of that, also the only piece of literature I actually like). But… it;s heavy. It took me a year to start rereading ATOG because I know it’s heavy. This was heavy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of the crazy, but I’m not lying when I tell you I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row. At some points, this fic became too much. I actually considered taking a break after that awfully heavy chapter (NUCLEAR BOMB, THREE DEAD, BABY’S BODY), but I couldn’t.

Now I could. Now I can. Now I will. 

Knowing myself, I will start reading before the end of the week, but I need to take some time off. ATOG was heavy, but I know Grey is, like, 10 times worse.

But that is Grey. This is ATOG and wow fuck, I love this.

[ctb747]

Reality check

It can be soooo easy, especially when your name is Cecilia Briseno, to get sucked into the "Boo hoo game". Boo hoo....I dont have enough money. Boo hoo...growing my business is time-consuming and my lists just keep growing. Boo hoo....David doesnt give me all the attention I want and feel that I need. Guys, I live in that pathetic world of self-pity far more often than I care to admit. But then life (or most likely God) slaps me in the face with a dose of reality. I have it good. I have it soooooo good. I have it soooooo good that I often times cant even fathom or understand what it means to NOT have it good. David and I have been doing super well. Our marriage is strong. We work well together. Love each other. We are super excited to add a sweet little boy to our family. Ava is a hoot and growing taller and smarter every single day. DJ is a few months away from graduating and then beginning his freshman year at Baylor. Life is really very good in the Briseno world. But God knew I needed a dose of reality to get me out of my little funk. When David and I were dating and engaged, my cousin and his wife were going through a separation and then later a divorce. Now I was blessed to have grown up in a 2 parent home so divorce was a foreign concept to me. I had never been close to anyone in all my 33 years (at the time) who had been through or was going through a divorce. So for the first time in my life, I was experiencing a divorce with people who I loved and expected to stay together FOREVER. I wasnt that close to my cousin before he got married. It was the typical hi and bye and "Nice to see you" at family functions. But then he moved to Dallas and married his wife. And we became so close. We hung out together, went out to eat all the time, traveled together, went to concerts together, helped each other move. We were very close. In fact, my cousin's then wife was one of my biggest support systems when my dad was sick and then died (on their wedding anniversary). She understood since her died had also passed away from cancer. So, yes, we were very close. And then to watch their marriage fall apart right before my very eyes and to not be able to help them (since I am a therapist and thats what I do....help people stay married) and then for all of this to be happening at the happiest, most exciting time in my life... Yall, it was DEVASTATING and took me a long time to recover from. So, fast forward to this week. David and I had a small argument. Money is tight. Business is slower than usual. Im pregnant and feel like doo doo all the time. Boo hoo. My pity party was in full force. Until.... I texted a friend who Im sad to report I had not had contact with in four months. (Horrible friend here....I know.) And she told me that her and her husband have really been struggling and that she is broken in a way she has never been before. She didnt go into details. She didnt need to. My pity party ended and all I can do now is pray for her. Pray for her husband. For their beautiful children. For her broken heart. And most of all, for healing. These are people I love and respect and who have helped me in the journey of my life. And they are struggling and hurting. And that is a real reason to have a pity party. Atlhough shes not having one...she spoke only of needing to trust Him completely. But her message was exactly what I needed to hear to remember that I have been blessed with so much and I need to focus on what I have instead of what I think I need. God knows so much better than I do. My sweet and hardworking husband is snoring in bed next to me. And I was lying here thinking of my friend when it hit me that almost every single one of my close friends has had serious marital problems. Most of them have been able to work through them, thankfully, but I can only think of one or two friends who have never had major problems in their marriage. This is both shocking and a huge wakeup call. Its time for me to put on my big girl panties and do those annoying things that my husband finds so important and let go of those things I feel make or break a marriage when they are simply not important to him. Its just not worth it. I love my David and being on the same team as him is what I desire most after being on God's team. Tonight I go to bed praying for my friend's marriage and for the marriages of all the people I love most. May we all continue to grow closer to our spouses as we all grow closer to You. Amen.