autisticlee

[autisticlee]

even though heat makes me have really bad possibly pots symptoms (still trying to convince my doctor to test me for it) like dizzy, lighthead, migraines, exhasuted, nauseous, heart rate increase, excessive sweating, almost passing out (vision blacks out if i stand in the heat for more than a few minutes and need to sit down immediately) I still don't hate the summer/heat! most people i know who hate summer/heat will say because reasons like these. but I can't empathize with them because they all love winter and cold and I HATE IT SO MUCH. I much rather feel sick like this from heat in the summer than be cold in winter. cold is so painful and winter is so depressing. mopping up the snow and salt mess at work hurts me so much. it's so much worse than being outside feeling sick in this 90f/34c weather right now! i'd take passing out in the heat over being cold and in severe pain and depressed from cold winter any day!

[autisticlee]

one of the worst feelings is not knowing if a friend is actually rejecting/ignoring/avoiding/excluding you or if it's just your RSD invading your mind and making you wrongly feel those things, only to find out in the end that what you felt was actually right and it wasn't just the RSD, it was real.

but then, how do you know if it's actually RSD or if you're actually upset from the lies and betrayal? that's normal and valid to be upset about right? because isnt RSD about a "perceived" rejection and fear rather than a real one? maybe I have it wrong. but i'm rejected constantly by everyone, especially those i care about. I dont seem to care if it's a stranger or someone i'm not close with. but when it comes to people close who i care about, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and just assume i'm experiencing RSD and try to ignore it, only to find out i was picking up on real clues and was actually right, because that person i care about cuts me out if their life. and i act shocked still as if I didn't realize the whole time because I wanted so bad for it to be a misunderstanding and made so many excuses for them.

is it actually RSD at that point? or is that just how my life is.....

[autisticlee]

I have so many things I need or want to do and work on, but all I can do it lie in bed. but if my chronic pain and chronic illness isnt acting up, then my adhd prevents me from doing anything because getting interrupted to go to my annoying job ruins the thing i'm working on. I cannot deal with interruptions!

I easily forget what I was doing and cant get back into it. even if I write notes. then I just never work on it again. I need to be able to naturally decide when to end or switch tasks. usualy that means finish the thing in 12-15 hours then go to sleep when i choose.

I really want to quit my job so I have the flexibility I need to live my life. I even skip important things like exercise and food because it wastes my free time!I really want to quit my job so I have the flexibility I need to live my life. I even skip important things like sleep/exercise/food because it wastes my free time! and i waste that time doing nothing but resting because I know my job will interrupt me and know I need to save energy to go to work.

plan is to try to get on disability using autism diagnosis (and maybe physical disability stuff when/if I cant get doctors to give me official diagnosis) because i'm so stressed and in pain and unhappy with life I need a break! need to quit my job! need time to focus on maintaining and improving health and doing work I enjoy instead! but need an income to survive and cant sell my art because it's not good enough so only choice is try to get disability. (those payments are also more than double my job income so maybe can afford extra stuff to improve my health like healthier food and gym membership? if can find a gym with a trainer included)

[autisticlee]

I feel so...left out? out of touch? not understood or related to? because literally everyone talks about how covid lock down affected them socially in a negative way and still affects them 5 years later....it didn't negatively affect me at all! the way everyone says they felt during that year of lockdown, isolated and out of touch with people, is how I feel my entire life! I want actually more connected DURING lockdown because everyone was at home and therefore online and I met people I never would have otherwise. of course once they all went back to work they stopped talking to me. but I was the most connected during that time vs before and now. now people just use covid lockdown (still even 5 years later 🙄) as an excuse for their bad and lazy communication skills and excuse for treating me and others bad. "covid lockdown ruined my social skills no one knows how to socialize anymore!" it was a year. get over it. it's was 5 years ago. communicate better and stop making excuses. if I can be isolated and ostracized from all my peers because i'm autistic, for my entire life, and still somehow have better communication skills and put in more effort than you, then I dont think covid is to blame for this. I think you're all just making excuses to be avoidant and get out of social obligation and consequences. cut it out. youre making my autistic life even harder because now i'm carrying YOU on my back as well. I already have to overcompensate because the lack of support and accommodation from you all! please try harder. and maybe use your supposed newfound struggles to be more understanding towards me and my autistic social struggles.

[autisticlee]

summer is almost over. so cold is coming back soon. not happy about that. have many points all over my body, especially arms and legs, that feel like really painful needle pricks/burning when something touches it. so wearing warmer clothes is painful. being cold is painful. cold weather makes me want to rip my skin off 😭

[autisticlee]

hearing people talk about how great and caring and cool and fun their friends are and seeing them interact really makes me wish I could experience that too. but i dont think i'm meant to since I only ever attract "the wrong people" and dont know why 😔

[autisticlee]

i'm always sad all summer because no friends to do anything with and waste the good weather away doing nothing after waiting 9 months for it to come back so I can do things. but then start slipping into seasonal depression once August hits because knowing cold is coming and I wasted the warm away by doing nothing. cold causes me severe pain and my job gets x1000 harder and more painful. wearing more clothing overstimulates me. being cold overstimulates me. also, the trauma from school hits, knowing it starts in August, despite being out of school for over 10 years 😭 it still hits way too hard

[autisticlee]

why did I just get jury duty on the day i have an important doctor appointment scheduled and during the week i'm going to visit a friend i haven't seen in years because I need to see at least one friend this year for my mental health because i've been isolated in my room alone all year 😭 how do I get out of it? 😭😭😭 I cant reschedule or refund my bus tickets! I hate just duty. last time I had a panic attack while there because it made me so uncomfortable! and thry didnt even need me! I was there for no reason 😭 take me off your list. i'm useless to you!

[autisticlee]

(person who learned from childhood to make themself as small and unimportant as possible to avoid being a burden) yeah its okay we dont have to do my thing if you dont want i dont mind

[autisticlee]

being so staunchly anti generative ai while everyone around you is "i used chatgpt" and "i asked grok" and google search is useless and every company is implementing ai and every single celeb is taking ai money and partnering with ai is like... it's so jarring. why can't you see the harm like i can? why are you so lazy? why are we making society this stupid? can we please stop? it's killing people does that not matter to you?

[autisticlee]

whats the line between being lonely and isolated, and depending on others too much? i've been accused of depending on others too much, such as wanting too much "attention/validation" for saying I dont like going out alone or feel bad when I dont get to talk to/hang out with another person after a long while alone. i'm told to "learn to be your own best friend/rely on yourself" but I thought I did that? I'm told people are social animals and need other people. but when I talk about my struggles with that, i'm told the complete opposite as well? i'm ao confused. how do I know if i'm too "dependent/attention&validation seeking/unable to rely on kr be happy with myself" versus just insanely lonely/disconnected/isolated in a "normal" human way? no one seems to believe me I could just be those things. is it because i'm autistic and people still believe autisic people seek complete solitude? not sure...

[autisticlee]

I crave some kind of companionship and affection and stuff. I want at least one person i can trust and rely on and feel comfortable with. someone who enjoys my existence as much as I enjoy theirs. someone who actively wants and keeps me in their life. and all that kind of stuff. I want to have at least one person i can talk to daily, who is there for me when i need, who lets me be there for them. consistent and predictable and routine interactions and care and that lasts and I dont have to fear losing.

but I cant. I cant have that. the only way to keep people "in my life" (which is a stretch of the phase) is to not talk to them. not see them. have contact only once every year or 3. never fails, the more I talk to or hang out with people, the faster they get bored or annoyed with me and push me away or abandon me. i warn people of this and they promise they won't do it. spoilers alert: they all do it anyway in the end. its not fair. at all. because if I knew why, I could work to improve myself. but i don't know why! it just keeps happening. so it has to just be *me* thats the problem and isnt something I can fix. therefore, feels like i'm not allowed to have anyone close to me in my life. no closer than a distant friend that remembers I exist once every few years, or someone I am afraid to reach out to more than once a year. those can last 15 years. but its not what I want. I crave more than that. its not enough and is unsatisfying. I still feel a deep loneliness, especially knowing we wont speak again for years after we part ways again. and some disappear into the universe never to be seen or heard from again.

so its either keep people i care about in my life by basically never speaking to them, or lose my closest friends i care most about after only about 3 years because we talked once or twice a week and hung out a few times and that was too much for them 😭 it happens every time. the pattern repeats itself and every time I feel the patterns creeping in, even if I try to ignore it and trust them/give benefit of the doubt, i'm always right. even if it seems like everything is going right. it just hits seemingly out of nowhere. 3 year mark hits and the patterns repeats. every time. I don't understand what im doing wrong. or how I could possibly be cursed to meeting "the wrong people" every few years and can never get "right" ones. is it a coincidence or am I really the problem? I don't think I change anything in that time? am i just that annoying and boring that no one can stand me longer than that unless we go 1-3 years without talking at all in between? I just don't get it.

my social bonding/connection/companionship needs will never be met. i'm too much for everyone. I need to keep a distance forever. kind of feels pointless to even try at that poont though...why should I even bother :/

[autisticlee]

trying to find and understand information about health insurance, especially medicaid specifically, is so difficult! why they make it so difficult! cant find or understand anything 😭

[autisticlee]

the good thing about being in constant pain is when drinking, I can easily tell i'm not drunk anymore when I feel the pain attack me again lmao I suddely feel like i'm going to collapse and want to cry? alcohol must have worn off 🤷

[autisticlee]

hate that every time I go out and do something alone, it turns into regret no matter what I do. why did I waste my time and money on that when I could bave done something I enjoy at home alone like art? why was I there if I was just bored/overstimulated/exhasuted/etc. everyone had friends and I couldn't figure out how to socialize no matter how hard I tried talking to people. what was the point if I didnt have fun or get anything out of it?! it always ends up that way. but everyone swears to me doing things alone is soOoOOoOo fun !!!

how?!

[autisticlee]

Someone with a disability does something that they know is painful. But it's okay, because they're only doing it once. They don't want to miss out on it 100%, they can handle the pain once in a while, and they have a chance to recharge after it. They know that they can always stop if it ends up being more painful than expected. They could also be experimenting to see how different circumstances affect their pain. They also don't complain, because they don't want to make a big deal out of it.

Someone who witnesses them do it immediately assumes that they "can". Even if they've seen consistent evidence of the disability, they forget that the struggle ever existed and start expecting it like it's nothing.

[autisticlee]

keep forcing myself to go do things alone, desperately hoping I will learn to enjoy it, not feel very lonely and miserable. each time I see people with their friends and failing to make my own I feel worse. it never gets better. I never enjoy being out alone. managing my autism alone is sk exhausting and difficult. no time or energy for enjoying things. no one with me toward so i can follow. leading myself trying to act like a human and not a creepy little freak that scares everyone away. don't know what to do when alone. have to alemd whole time managing sensory overload and try not to meltdown and try to stay safe and grounded. but lose self to dissociation instead. never get anything out of it except exhaustion and regret...