#my mind is muddled
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i used to write lots of poetry when I was younger. a lot of it was shitty, granted…but it was something…a shitty something..but a something nonetheless. an expression of self.
and i express myself less and less everyday, and i wonder what happened to the me that loved writing poetry, and loved creating art, no matter how bad it was. i wonder where she went.
#i have lost my passion for life#i barely draw anymore#or write#sometimes I worry that my hand will forget how to create art#i worry that I will not be able to create beautiful things no more#my mind is muddled#and I cannot think#almost everyone who ever knew me#all my life#when asked to describe me#they would describe me as “quiet and creative’’#now#it is mostly the quiet part that stayed#but the creativity#i don’t know#is it still there perhaps?#deep inside my soul?#what happened to me? (I know what happened life happened I grew up that’s what happened)#it makes me sad to think about it#i often mourn that part of me#and I wonder if it will ever return#i was always too passionate#but now#everyday#i am less and less of that#it’s sad
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Charlie Morningstar Redesign !!
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie morningstar#she’s one of the few characters designs I actually really like#I just made a few small changes#like giving her a tie instead of a bow#and buttons on the blazer#I also softened the colours a bit#one thing I had in mind the entire time was her silhouette#I wanted to make sure it wasn’t muddled#I think I did alright#my art#redesign
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something I do appreciate about red vs blue is its particular brand of “came back wrong”. you were brought back, but you’re just a memory of the person you’re supposed to be. you’re just the expectations of them. you’re just the pieces everyone else saw and remembered. you’re tough like the original, but you’ll always fail no matter how tough you are, because the original failed, too. you’ve got a personality like the original, but it’s not quite right because you didn’t actually live the life they did. there’s this person you love- who you would kill or suffer or die for- but you don’t know why, you just know you’re supposed to be together because that’s what you were made for.
#thinkin abt tex and epsilon at 4am on a thursday#anyway thinkin about the fact that tex and church were never *actually* together outside of blood gulch#she tried to save alpha. she failed. he didn't know who she was and she was forced to leave him.#but realistically? he'd never met her before. because she wasn't allison and he wasn't leonard#they were both just copies that knew who they were supposed to be#and epsilon never met tex. he only had the copy based on alpha's muddled memories.#and then when he brought her back... she was just even more wrong because she was a memory of a memory#and even with all of alpha's memories#epsilon wasn't alpha. he was someone different because he'd been through different things#alpha didn't remember what was done to him. epsilon did. alpha didn't know what he'd lost. epsilon did.#alpha lived his life. had relationships with the reds and blues. epsilon just remembered it.#and with that in mind you have to wonder...#what did tex actually remember? who did she think she was? what did she think the director and alpha were to her?#because epsilon had alpha's memories but beta didn't even have that.#anyway yeah roommate agreed to experience rvb with me and we watched seasons 1-10 together and hooboy#I'm back on my bullshit#red vs blue#rvb#Agent Texas#tex rvb#Leonard Church#church rvb#epsilon rvb#alpha rvb#beta rvb
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Grantaire in 31 or Cosette in 11? (for the color palettes)
I haven't done one of these in a while, so thank you for the ask! I've been wanting to try out this George Blagden pose with some of my own R styling for a while, so this was a perfect opportunity.
Palettes from this list if you'd like to send one in ^^
#les mis#grantaire#asks#my-art#les amis de l'abc#daisymayys I hope you don't mind that I adjusted the original palette a bit#the original didn't have much value range on the greens#If I'd kept them the same things may have gotten a bit muddled#But I tried to keep the spirit of it!
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#the results for this aren’t gonna be set in stone#it’ll just help my muddled mind#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#ghost x reader#john price x reader#john price x female reader#kyle gaz garrick x you#tf 141 x reader#141 x reader#f!reader#kyle garrick x reader#kyle gaz x reader#soap mactavish x reader#johnny soap mctavish x reader#monster! tf141#cod fanfic
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born to draw sonic ocs forced to write research papers
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also. i was thinking abt ur analysis on soysauce duo’s relationship, and how macaroni and mk’s relationship has that more direct progression in terms of caring about each other/mentorship, and also that it gives me a very nice opening to talk about my favorite line in s4: “Nice tail, kid,” from macaque in 4x09.
just. like. that’s the first nice thing anybody’s said about this terrifying new monkey form, and it’s so important that macaque says it. in a past season, that would’ve been a taunt, but here it’s about as close to sincere as macaque ever gets, and how it shows that the character development from s3 has stuck, that he isn’t just here to be a dick. yaknow??? <- frantically gesturing at a red string board with the clown wig firmly fitted on
*nods at board and takes her own red strings from her pocket* yeah, yeah exactly
they're relationship is literally "hey kiddo" (derogatory) to "hey kiddo" (affectionate). every insult that Macky threw at MK in the past (which was really just a backhanded compliment), now hold sincerity and geniune compliments to it. and you know what? THEY'RE DYNAMIC ALSO FLIPPED!!!
like, if you think about it, both MK & SWK's dynamic and MK & Macky's dynamic have flipped. it's Macky now who's trying to reach out and be friendly with MK still distrustful and throwing barbs (which Makcy takes in stride bc....fair is fair tbh) and yeah 100% agree that Macadoo's comment on MK's monkey form being the 1st positive one is a big deal and super important.
the previous ones coming from:
Ink!MK, who used that form to highlight how dangerous MK is to his friends and the world and will be the catalyst to its end;
Sun Wukong, who ignored the issue and was trying to placate MK. which, to be fair, was needed because Mk was not in the right mind, but SWK's mitigation (i think is a better word bc Wukong did acknowledge but was trying not to make a big deal out of it) ended up aggravating MK further because, once again, he feels like his pain and issues are being deflected.
and MK's friends, Pigsy, Sandy, Tang, and Mei, who were also overwhelmed by the events but weren't even sure how to react to MK's new burst of power.
and then you have Macaroni, who, if we remember, was unaware of the events that just transpired (at least, i think he was unaware bc he made a joke about Wukong being a lazy ass, which would be a low blow if Macartney was aware of everything in 4x08). all Macackle gets is MK pleading at him to stop with the taunting and THEN JUST GIVES UP ON WHAT HE WAS SAYING BECAUSE HE'S EXHAUSTED AND FEELS USED AND BROKEN AND CONFUSED AND MAYBE IF MAC DOES TAUNT HIM AT LEAST ONE THING OF HIS LIFE IS TYPICAL AND-*gets taken off the stage*
*comes back but now covered in scratches and blood* sorry, uh, what was i saying?
ah yes,
the fact that it is Macandy who comments on it (he is shown to be shocked about it and knows that something is up) and just a simple "uh, you have a tail now," it's "nice tail by the way."
no questions about how it happened, no concern over what transpired. just an acknowledgment of it and a positive one which is the complete opposite of what MK's been shown because it is the part of him that is supposed to be bad and chaotic and the Harbinger. it can't bring good or be something hopeful....can it?
also, ISN'T INTERESTING HOW MACAQUE'S COMMENT ON THE TAIL IS POSITIVE AND NOT WHAT SHOULD BE ASSUMED OF MONKEY!MK'S PURPOSE JUST LIKE HOW MK'S PERSISTENCE FOR MACKY'S HELP FURTHER LED TO MACKY REALIZING THAT FATE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT AND SCREW THE THREADS DESTINY AND THE WORLD GIVES YOU AND-*gets dog-piled*
#bestie i am so sorry this response took me so long T^T#i wanted to give you a good and proper answer when my mind wasn't muddled by midterms and then it just sat here in my inbox and my guilt#BUT IT'S HERE NOW#also i was worried that i wouldn't be able to share all my thoughts on this bc it's been so long but nope#LONG POST AGAIN BITCHES MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA#semi-long but still#bone apple teeth#aka#bone appetite#or however it's spelled#lmk#lmk soysauce duo#soysauce duo#lmk mk#lmk qi xiaotian#lmk macaque#lmk six eared macaque#lmk meta#lmk analysis#maybe idk#opinion?#asks
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Profic Party; Week One @profiction-edits
As always with cool daily prompt games I just end up doing a big batch of them at once and then collapsing fgdjhgjdf So!! Here's all my Profic Party prompts for Week One all together now sense I have a lot going on over the weekend
If you wanna see me talk about all my answers, that'll be under the cut. These were fun! Here's hoping I can keep the motivation through Week 2!!
Day 1: OTP - Easiest one of the lot my all time OTP is and forever will be Mariocest. Hooked on the brothers for life. First ship forever imprinted on me.
Day 2: Favorite Character - A man I do not gush of often but that's because his media fandom is literally two people, Hero Nightfall from the Hell's Library book series. He is Bisexual, he is Polyamourus, he is snarky, he never lies, and I adore him.
Day 3: Most Problematic Ship - First one to stump me, for a while it was between AFO/Yoichi from MHA and Wittecest from TOH. Then I realized I couldn't draw AFO to save my life, so I was going to draw all my Belos ships to make up for it... But turns out I can't draw Belos either kdfjgkdf So you get Huntlos cause I drew it first, and Bellector but Belos is a child cause that was easier to draw. Just assume Wittecest is there as well. (William Afton/Cassidy could also probably go here but I'm not hardcore about it so..)
Day 4: Rare Pair - My stipulations for this one was it can't just be a ship for one of my tiny fandoms that no one's in, it had to be a ship from a popular media no one else liked that I was insane about. Which is a very small list. I eventually decided on Maximilien/Mauga from Overwatch because I was feral for them for about half a month. The Sub Pathetic Sugar Daddy X Dom Batshit Sugar Baby really got to me. Commit all the atrocities you want bby daddy's got the police chief on speed dial <3
Day 5: Crossover Ship - I'm not a crossover ship kinda guy. It's unfortunate but it's true. My only actual Crossover ship is my own comfort polycule Selfship; The Ideal Polycule. They helped me get over my Eating Disorder and they're probably what once could consider Main F/Os. I love them so much and they love me and eachother <3
Day 6: Polyship - I have so many of these you have no idea how difficult this was for me I love Polyamoury it brings me great comfort every ship can be made better with more people- Anyway. I decided on a Big Time fave of mine; Ojimonoshin aka The ABC Polycule from My Hero Academia. Fun little Bonus challange I did was I decided to only use a Fandom per prompt so I could show a lot of my Fandoms, so the fact that I couldn't draw AFO for Most Problematic made this choice more difficult fdgkjhgjdf
Day 7: Character from media you're not interested in - My boyfriend has fallen hard into the One Piece rabbit hole so I'm getting a lot of second hand knowledge about the series, and while I have zero interest in watching it, Usopp the beautiful Transfem is really testing my resolve. I also like Law, Bepo, Kuma, and Vegapunk. And of course my Blorbo-In-Law, Sanji Vinesmoke. Pushing him down the stairs and stealing his Boygirlfriend Usopp for myself <3
#Emile's Arts#Profic Party#Proship#Cradle Ship#Toy Ship#Shipcest#Ask to Tag#Mariocest#Huntlos#Bellector#Ojimonoshin#ABC Polycule#Ideal Polycule#Mauga/Maximilien#I need a ship name for them#I'm not kidding Mauga being a sugar baby crossed my mind as a joke and it very quickly Was Not A Joke#Anyway I love Usopp in my BF's version of One Piece in which he is there I am also there and I flirt with Usopp#And Hero Hell's Library look listen man I LOVE those books and Hero is THE BEST CHARACTER#EVER#Close second is Ginko followed by Koro-Sensei#And then either K or Kubo but for very different reasons kfdgjfdkg#I could not list my like. top 5 favorite characters I have my top 3 and everyone below that is muddled as hell#Anyway.#Like the last daily prompts ship thing I did a lot of these characters I was drawing for the very first time#So if they look wonky. Leave me alone kfgjkdfjgf#I did my best.
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this might be unbearably obvious as an interpretation to some, but i was thinking about mikage’s little hands and how interesting they are as a framing device and specifically a very imposing framing device, and i was like wow. i actually really feel as though those hands are in service of his own perceptions and understandings as he struggles to make his way back to them/relearn/remember them. they’re very different to the ohtori academy certified rose frames in the sense that they beep, they’re kind of mechanical or automaton-y, they are literally pointing and drawing your attention to things much less subtly than a silent, spinning rose. idk, i don’t have much more to say on this one atm, im just rotating the show and its various perspectives in my head a lot atm
#idk! i like those hands a lot i like how they confuse and muddle and contradict#they dont offer easy answers youre not sure why theyre pointing at what they do#theres a subjectivity to them that just boggles my mind. 22 my best friend 22#dais.txt#obfuscation abventures
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alright~ a few updates about everything! so this weekend I'll be seeing changkyun in chicago- so I prolly won't be posting until after I'm alive again from that 😂😅 (I am vv excited about it- I just know I'll be vv tired when I return home). Anyways, I have a few fics in the works~ one of them that is a request 🤭 I'm vv excited to work on them! But I think I'm going to change my masterlist a bit when I come back. I'm going to retire a few groups from the main masterlist and I've been debating for the past year about it... But I think I'm going to add a yearly masterlist- So it would go from most recent to the beginning of this year~
I'm also thinking about changing my pfp- I haven't been really into stray kids for uh... years- But I will be sure to make an update about that if I go thru with that too- (It may be ji changmin next 🫣🤭)
Anyways those are my few updates 🥰💖
#in general my brain is so muddled outside of talking to my three closest and my mom i'm just... fogged- but god how i want to be#writing rn- i have 4 smuts and 1 fluff in the works (who would have guessed my fluff writer self has moved from not only plain fluff to#angst & smut this year? not me- but i'm happy about it) two are poly aus and the other two are about a certain 🌙~#kate rambles on from here#altho there is another vv big potential fic~ but i'm only counting ones i have lots of progress on-#and then the masterlist thing i've been thinking about forever- hwvr again i do not know if i'll have the energy bc i might be knocked#on my ass for another month after this trip (i'll be pretty much solely driving for 4 & 1/2 hrs there and another 4 & 1/2 back the next day#but the pfp thing has been on my mind for a while too- again idk when i'll get around to it but jinkoh has given me a vv good#idea esp for winter~ with mr. ji~ so i'm sure to have changed it by december~ (unless the change is too much for me- i haven't changed it#since 2018... so i'm kind of attached to it- even tho i don't even bias him or stan the group anymore...)#anyways this is full of me rambling- i could really go on tbh- bc i'm really trying to get my mind into gear- but these are my updates#let's see if i fulfill em- i'm bound to fill the fic ones- but the other two... yeah- we'll see-#kate rambles#blog updates#should i bring babydoll q & juyo to the concert bc if it wasn't for kyun getting me into dominic fike(and being into tbz during stealer era#i wouldn't have been a tbz ult... (outside of some other factors i haven't really disclosed) bc atp i'm vv close to packing them with me#i mean tbh a tbz pc was going- but now i'm 🫣: should i bring them to see the guy from my first ult group that caused the spiral-#that made me get into my newest ult group? (i love this butterfly effect more than i could ever express tbh- even tho i express it often)#anyways if someone actually reads these- i'm bound to bring babydoll q- legally that's my buddy- but juyo?? 👀
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I woke up in the middle of the night holding a hardboiled egg and got so confused I almost cried....
#elo rants#for context#i got a stye and was using a freshly boiled egg to apply heat to my eye last night and apparently fell asleep#then woke up with the egg still in my hand#my sleep muddled mind could not comprehend the egg so I legitimately started tearing up I was so confused#the egg worked wonders tho my eye is much better#i just don't know how I got it out of the sock I originally had it in....#this is both the funniest and most confounding thing that has ever happened to me
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Gotta sweep up all this Dust (Patreon)
#Doodles#Mother 3#Duster#I am still thinking of He and yet he still hasn't completely come back into my crosshairs#If you can believe it - it was actually the fic printing that was like halfway to the goal of going out of my mind about him again and well-#Lol ♪ I do still plan to! I just underestimated how much of a run-up to him it would be#I'll get there! Certainly keeping busy in the meanwhile lol#But he does get /some/ screentime in the meantime at least haha#I actually injured my own ankle a while ago :P Couldn't tell you exactly when or what but it's been kinda flaring up lately#Mostly when I got for walks - doesn't have to be super long walks either which I'm not super jazzed about#But I did get an ankle compress-brace which has been good for it :) Can walk a bit more regularly!#It was mostly giving my pain away that prompted him back lol sorry Duster#I did at least power up the game to try and see which side his limp is on - it's hard to tell!#It looks like his strides are more confident/longer with his left leg but with the way his sprite mirrors sometimes but not other times#I don't know if he actually says which leg it is somewhere in the game either so I'm just projecting for now lol#I imagine it's only easier to stress out the strong side by overextending - why not both!#It's also still really fun to draw him covered in scars haha#Probably could've gone for arm hair too but it might've muddled the scars and aren't those the important part lol#And a little singy Duster/Lucky to round out :)#I imagine he has a weak voice if he tried projecting but hmm I'm not sure! I really do want to get to know him better!#There's gotta be a reason he was put on the bass right haha#Probably a nice whispery singing voice ♪
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inspired by this post, a scene: wen kexing in the valley, shortly after getting abducted, after losing his memory to the meng po soup, finding small nooks out of time for himself, in dark corners or in the department of the unfaithful, still young enough to be protected by luo-yi, playing with stick figures he built with branches and twine, trying to recreate the scenes he keeps seeing before falling asleep, his parents dying, his almost-shixiong giving him one good day, and wen kexing only half-remembers that one good day, because wen kexing only half-remembers being zhen yan, he only half-remembers zhou zishu. but there is that feeling in his chest, warmth and belonging, and he does not try to imagine what would have happened if he'd gotten the change to stay at siji manor as intended, if his parents would be still alive, because those what-if wishes if given in to could tear you apart, and he needs to survive, but he plays at the idea of being safe enough, if only for the duration of remaining undiscovered, until he gets ripped back into the hell that is his life
#can this be counted as fic#my thoughts#wen kexing#ghost valley#zhen yan#word of honor#muddling in words and stuff#i dont know but there's smth so innocent about this picture#wen kexing telling himself stories about zhou zishu before falling asleep#he catches that feeling of absolute security and keeps it close to his chest#in order to find rest#in order to feel safe and loved#making up things about zhou zishu whom he barely got the chance to get to know. and who he already starts to forget#not to the effects of the meng po soup just to the passing of time#and to what trauma does to a person's mind#fraying out everything. freezing certain moments in time
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Sorry for screenshot post but
I actually had to pause for a few moments to process just how true this is
#cinderella boy#i have a lot of thoughts but my mind is too muddled for me to articulate them#it's raining baos
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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Sometimes, you have to give an answer that isn't even remotely relevant to the question so you can have something to cringe about for the next fortnight or so
#Anti-Socialite#ace is a mess#my history teacher used to use the acronym atbq on my papers that stands for answer the bloddy question#and everytime id be like i did what do you mean? cus to me my answer was relevant i just didnt link it back in any logical way#so it just seemed like i was giving this vague information unprompted without saying why or giving them what they wanted#and everytime i respond to something with a seemingly irrelevant response atbq starts flashing in my mind#but trying to then backtrack to explain myself is just more embarrassing especially when im stumbling through explanations#that make less sense than the original response so i just leave them with the original nonsense to muddle through by themself#anyway. ive made no sense this summer and its haunting me
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