#Traite trauma

[happyherringbonkpickle]

[dreamerdrop]

Julian Bashir walks a very fine, maddening line between “self-loathing imposter syndrome who knows almost everyone who speaks to him for more than a minute finds him insufferable” and “incredibly self assured and annoyingly arrogant to the point of a minor god complex”.

He knows he’s attractive, he thinks he’s charming as all hell, he knows he’s the smartest person in the room (while also being acutely aware he’s going to put his foot in his mouth any second now), and he just swings wildly between “I don’t deserve anything I have, none of this is mine, my life is not my own, I am a monster” and “HELL YEAH LOOK HOW COOL AND SMART I AM GUYS ARE YOU LOOKING ARE YOU LOOKING”.

And then there’s episodes that reveal that underneath that annoying arrogance, at the very core of who he is, he really, really just wants to help people, and if he fucks that up he WILL take it personally and hold himself responsible even if there’s no way he could have known and like. Can you imagine what his first patient death was like for him. Can you imagine what a fucking nightmare his brain must be 24/7.

He is somehow as inherently self assured as he is in need of constant validation for his ego because you can SEE him break a little when that ego fails him, even a little, and it’s just.

He’s very fun to write. I hate him. (I love him so much, but oh my god.)

[divinerapturesys]

Welcome to my Ted Talk about AsPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, which the internet likes to coin as sociopath 👌🏻 if you don’t like long infodumps about stigmatized mental disorders from someone who is diagnosed, move on.

Quick toxic rundown: People with AsPD are generally characterized as emotionless, violent, manipulative abusers who kill animals and like to make other people their bitches. The biggest pet peeve we have is the emotionless, sadistic and abusive generalization.

Personally, we are highly neurotic, with highs and lows of: depression, frantic drive, self abuse tactics, chronic fear, lapses of rejection, overwhelming over-analyzation, grey area thinking, false goods and false bads, ultimatums, obsessive compulsive behavior, harsh self demands, and irritability.

AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety or the safety of others. You can find my follow up post regarding this here.

Neglected and abused children often act out trying to get attention and help, often acting out in bad ways because they lack the ability to articulate what they’re feeling and what is happening to them. The pipeline for AsPD typically is: Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child, Conduct Disorder as a teen, AsPD as an adult. There are a lot of warning signs cueing that AsPD is becoming a risk for development, but often kids do not have a support system to help negate it as it’s their support system that is usually a factor in its creation.

Being AsPD is like being an emotional La Croix 70% of the time. If you’re depressed, then it’s like someone in the other room has depression and is telling you about it. The other 30% of the time, if you’re depressed, your brain doesn’t understand how to handle it so it’s an ultimatum between doing something drastic to remove the Trigger or ignoring and dissociating for days on end.

People with AsPD are very good at ignoring things. Honestly it’s problematic as fuck but it’s not hard to ignore major issues when you just, don’t care. It’s not in the terms of being cruel or making ourselves not care, but the fact that finding the emotional willpower is so far out of our feasible reach we don’t do it. This causes us to piss people off because we don’t have the capacity to care as much as they want us to, even if we can and do to an extent.

Think of it this way: empathy/sympathy is a deep tub of water that everyone has. They can easily fill their measuring cup for the needed amount of empathy without any issues and it’s easy for them. People with AsPD don’t have a tub of water. We have shallow skillet. When we try to dip our cup to fill it, we can’t, it always comes up short and it is difficult to get any water in it as there is no room for the cup to dive. Our ability to care is limited because we do not have the same emotional resources everyone else does.

❌ False Positives & False Negatives ❌

I operate on what I’ve learned are called false positives and false negatives. These are things that are trained into the brain from an early age based off of childhood trauma and other factors. False positives are a distorted version of why we do something to help ourself and for our own good, meanwhile a false negative is something we do because it’s a threat, or based out of fear.

❌ Some of my false positives:

- It is good to be afraid of nothing

- It is good to adapt to someone’s personality if they are stronger than you

- It is good to isolate yourself

- It is good to be a silver tongue because you can get into any place you want

- It is good to become a social chameleon and shape yourself to whatever those around you need/want most, because then you have no chance of being abandoned

❌ Some of my false negatives, which can explain the false positives as well as core beliefs:

- it is bad to be afraid, if I am afraid then I am vulnerable and it can be used against me

- It is bad to be emotional or show concern for others emotions because they do not care for mine

- It is bad to be able to be exploited, because I believe it is everywhere

- It is bad to allow myself to be bored, because boredom begets bad thoughts and no one can or wants to help me when I spiral

- It is bad to not shape yourself to the social circle, because people quickly grow tired of those who do not match them perfectly and being discarded means I failed

My core beliefs can be viewed as the root for the false positives and negatives, because they are based on the core of trauma, abuse and neglect. They come from patterns and instances that make someone with AsPD become the opposite of what they experienced:

- eat or be eaten

- If I don’t show that my bite is worse than my bark, I will be taken advantage of and I must remain on top because the ones on top are safe

- I must look out for myself because nobody will do it for me

- It doesn’t matter what happens to me, therefore it doesn’t matter what people think of me

- If I cannot do something well, then I should not do it at all

- If you are dependent on others for emotional and mental well being, you are weak, therefore I must isolate myself to avoid becoming codependent and a burden and useless

- If I can handle the stress of a situation better than everyone else, therefore I will keep the problem (financial, emotional, mental, etc) to myself to reduce chances of being abandoned due to failure of perfection

People with AsPD are hard to get along with. We often:

- are always anticipating a fight

- lack respect for authority

- ignore social structures to an extent

- tendency to lie if it’ll lessen punishment or if we feel the lie is more acceptable than our actions

- limit social support because it’s wrong to be dependent on others

- have an inflated view of our own importance — which turns into a self ridicule for believing someome like me could be found important to others —

- can be rude and inconsiderate of others feelings somewhat unintentionally

- are unable to read the correct social cues in relation to empathy towards people and animals

- am constantly confused by others dependence upon empathy and inability to make desicions from logic based standpoints

We can’t speak for everyone who has AsPD, nor are we saying that no one with AsPD is capable of being a murderer/abuser etc. but we are saying that y’all need to stop automatically classifying someone as a certain “type” as soon as you know about their disorder.

One last thing I do want to point out is that it is not uncommon for people with AsPD to derive some sort of enjoyment in causing harm, doing something illegal, hurting someone or animals, etc. This entirely stems from lack of environmental control as a child. Being able to control what happens to others or being able to control the things you say or do that hurts someone else is a hefty high to get addicted to; it soothes the underlying itch of not being able to control your own trauma and abuse, so in turn you push these behaviors onto others and enjoy it because it gives you a sense of power and control. Some people with AsPD do genuinely love hurting others, and some enjoy hurting others when they believe it’s deserved or their ire has been stoked. Some enjoy causing pain to those they think deserve it, and others don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel like they’re in control of the situation.

Hope this have some insight into AsPD 🤙🏻 if y’all have any questions, shoot.

[ecto-stone]

Fanon Vlad is not really one thing

it like you Put Canon Vlad into one of those Light Prism and what come out is the Fannon Vlads

Like this is basically how i precived the Canon Vs Fanon debate ever

[maybe-an-aspd-angel]

[wszczebrzyszynie]

hej szefie nowe oce templatki. to elaborate more both of them "stick to type" because Rybas "type" is everyone if he convinces himself hard enough and Przemek has only ever liked Ryba and described Ryba as his type. That being said when it comes to dating not just crushes Ryba would not be able to date anyone who isnt as obsessed about him as he is about them because it would make him feel sad and a bit like a freak (which he doesnt believe his is one but the directors board isnt so sure). Ryba isn't obvious about his feelings because he acts like that to everyone but Przemek is (which he is unaware of) because hes a bit lame like that and also looks like he could get the spasms and die at any moment. Przemeks dream scenario is something he is deeply ashamed of and wouldnt even reveal on his deathbed but Ryba is actively trying to get him to disappear with him (impossible task instead hes microdosing on 2 day long trips to the lake). Despite his obsessive nature Ryba doesnt really get jealous because hes already in the centre of Przemeks attention but Przemek does mostly out of his low self esteem especially compared to how cool Ryba is in his head (and also in real life). templates made by kitsypark

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm sorry I let down my guard.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[funkervogt]

Im not good at project zomboid at all but heres my girl her name is Tiffany Grace and she loves her life so much

[anistarrose]

The thing about the "fridged" trope is that obviously you can't have a female love interest dying as a defining moment for a male character because that's not feminist, but you also can't have a male love interest dying as a defining moment for a female character because then she's just going to have an arc revolving around her relationship with a man and that's also not feminist, and you also can't kill off a love interest from a gay relationship or a relationship involving a nonbinary person because that's burying your queers, which is at least as bad as misogyny if not even worse, and now suddenly you can't kill off romantic partners at all in stories because no matter the demographics, it's going to be problematic somehow, which is... a pretty ridiculous limitation to impose on storytelling.

And, like, it would be satisfying to have a solution other than "it depends on context if not straight-up vibes, and it's usually very reasonable for audience members to have a range of opinions on the execution of one specific instance," but. Yeah, you do kind of have to just vibe check it in a deeply subjective manner sometimes.

[whiskeyandcigarsmoke]

This isn't meant to be good, it just needed to be written. Just trying to figure myself out thru writing about Logan.

"Stare"

*Post Void*

There are days where Wade will wake up and Logan will just be sitting in front of one of the windows, staring silently. He's so still and silent that if not for the occasional flicker of his eyelashes and subtle rising of his chest, he could very well be a statue. He doesn't respond to Wade’s normal teasing banter. No side eyes, no glare, no snarling or snapping. He acknowledges Wade with a turn of his head, but goes right back to his thousand yard stare. The stare of a man who's lived a lifetime far too long. Wade tries to talk to him, but gets nowhere. He used to Logan not speaking sonetimes, but he'll still communicate via grunts, huffs, and growls. Plus his non-verbal communication is always present. But today all of that is shut off. Logan is a blank, silent slate. Wade gives up trying to talk to him, but keeps an eye on him as the day progresses. He brings him a cup of coffee, setting it next to him on the end table next to Logan’s chair. Checking on him a couple of hours later, he finds the mug still full of now cold coffee. Dumping it in the sink, he returns to Logan’s side with a glass of water and one of Logan's cigars. Setting them both down on the table, he ruffles Logan’s hair and kisses the top of his head. Looking down, he sees a few stray tears slowly sliding down Logan’s cheek. Wordlessly, Wade wipes them away and gives the older man a kiss on the forehead. He decides to give Logan some space and privacy for a few hours, leaving him alone with his thoughts in the apartment. Returning later in the evening with takeout, he picks up the smell of cigar smoke and while Logan is still in the same spot that he left him in, he did at least smoke a bit and drank some of the water. Wade will consider that an improvement. Putting the takeout on the counter, he goes over to check on Logan. He was asleep and snoring softly. Wade figured him the smell of food didn't wake Logan up, it would be best to let sleeping dogs lie. An hour later had Logan rousing from his sleep and finally getting up from his chair. Grabbing his cigar, he crawled out onto the fire escape to finish smoking it while Wade re heats their food. Returning to the apartment, Logan saddles up to Wade, hugging him from behind. Pressing his nose to the back of the younger man's neck, he took in a deep, slow breath and rested his head on Wade's shoulder. A soft, low thrum began rolling thru his chest, filling Wade's diaphragm with Logan’s gratitude and thanks. Holding him closely a few more minutes, he placed a sweet, soft kiss on Wade's cheek before letting him go. Picking up his food, Logan walked over to the couch and sat down in his usual spot. After flicking the tv on, he looked to Wade and back to the spot next to him and repeated the cycle. Knowing what Logan wanted, Wade grabbed his own food and sat next to the silent Mutant. Scooting closer, Logan leaned into Wade's side, getting comfortable before eating his food. With the man's weight pushing into him, Wade smiled, happy Logan was learning to be comfortable leaning on Wade when he really needed it. Both emotionally and physically.

[ack-cough]

Oh wow meow meow angst? The usual please!

Clarification for those in the back~

This is a about Intrusive thoughts that revolves around viewing oneself as dangerous!

I can see our meow meow on his worst of brain days taking the complete evidence route. He doesn't want to avoid his family, and of course he'd never hurt them. he'd never let himself hurt ANY of them

But sometimes hiding is easier. He knows it's in his head, but sometimes loneliness is better that the disgusting hum of horrible things or gritting your teeth through conversation you're barely present for.

But he can't live like this forever

He doesn't WANT to live like this forever! So I can see him even during his bad days still letting himself be used as a source of comfort, even if it's just helping the youngest member through a nightmare.

He's still the group therapy cat after all!!

So take it as exposure therapy, even if just in baby steps.

[Youre harmless Isabeau. You've always have been]

[traaumaa]

kink/nsfw dni !!

[maybe-an-aspd-angel]

[shitty-proendo-blackout-posts]

sexualize being a system. do it.

[frobby]

rin 1000000% has a list somewhere of things hes good at that yukio is bad at

[abusedpixie]

𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐥 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧. 𝐌𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠!!