#living with mental illness

[xvelvetcoffinx]

Some of my trauma is literally over 18 years old like it’s legally an adult but it won’t move the fuck out of my head??? Get a job and pay some rent buddy.

[to0needy]

it’s so frustrating that i have to take fucking pills every day in order to “function” like a normal human being

and it’s still not enough, my brain will never change the way it works and i hate that

[doomedfromthewombfr]

The hardest battle isn’t with the world; it’s convincing myself I’m worth the fight

[mushroomwillow]

So I have a nervous stim where I rub the palm of my hand and I’ve rubbed it completely raw. I’ve been really struggling to find a way to not do it so my hand can heal. I made this, super simple, single crochet in a round that fits around my hand, attach a chain around the thumb and then more single crochet. So far it’s worked pretty well. I can still rub it, and I don’t damage the skin more. So yeah this is a thing

[leithillustration]

I’ve not done an end of year round up before, but here goes! Thank you @monbons and @iamamythologicalcreature for the tags, and @aristocratic-otter for the encouragement. Seeing everyone’s roundups has been really wholesome and enlightening. 

I often don’t give my successes much space for celebration as they tend to get drowned out by the noise of all my mental health difficulties, so this is an exercise in acknowledging the good things from 2024, as well as allowing space for the things I’ve struggled with (while trying not to sound too jaded and cynical 😅). This is a long one so everything is under the cut.

Landmarks: A few significant things

My border collie Simm turned 10

My godson turned 1

I lived with one of my best friends @hattedhedgehogfor 3 months during a time that otherwise would have been rubbish, but he made the whole summer a fun adventure

Inspired by Harry, I made a hand sewn Georgian shirt with ridiculous billowy sleeves. I’ve yet to find an occasion to wear it, but I hold out hope for 2025.

I played DragonAge for the first time (Inquisition) and was not normal about it. The above banner is my Inquisitor Dadron (named for his dad energy and likeness to Ron Swanson)

I started sharing my creative writing on Ao3 for the first time

Took more control over self care and my mental health

Achievements Unlocked: Heath Stuff

I love that some 2024 reviews share personal experiences living with health problems. It’s really validating to see that. It's so easy to forget other people struggle too, they just might not want to share that online. So before I get to the creative things I've done in 2024… watch me over share my health stuff??

Finished seeing my EMDR therapist First time in 4 years I’ve been without any kind of therapy and it’s terrifying but making me work on myself in a new way. Not sure I’m done with EMDR forever, or talking therapy, but I spent a year with a therapist I didn’t vibe with and it sort of added more issues to the pile, so I’m glad I left them.

Dumped GenderGP They replaced a load of their services (including doctors) with AI. After 2 years of treatment under them, I felt so betrayed and worthless. Thankfully I’ve still got a supply of testosterone for now.

Had a minor breakdown in July Work, house stuff, gender things and mental health all got the better of me in July. Things were incredibly bleak for a while there. Surviving is hard sometimes, but I am still here so taking that as a win.

Switched to a new NHS gender care waitlist Was 3 years into a possible 6-7 year wait for a London clinic. Now I am in year 1 of a possible 2-3 year wait for Nottingham. No idea if moving was a good call or not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Got on a private gender care wait list for a top surgery referral Yeah, UK trans private health care also has huge wait lists. No idea how long this one is, but I’ve been on it since August and haven’t heard anything yet

Got an ADHD diagnosis!! I am classic ADD, go figure. Had to go private for this too (who needs savings, right?) but I’m now in my 4th week of ADHD meds. It’s been A Time but it’s giving me hope (a tenuous, vulnerable thing) that maybe things won’t always be this hard.

Self Employment: Life as an illustrator in 2024

Always a mixed bag, made all the more challenging by the above health stuff, AI, and the general state of the economy, but in spite of this I have done the following:

Sold work at 6 events Norwich Queer Fest, Harrogate Airecon, UK Games Expo, Norwich Pride, Birmingham MCM, Norwich QueerFestmas. I was filled with imposter syndrome for most of these events, and I’m always very fatigued after, but I know it is good to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes and I do enjoy meeting likeminded people and seeing people engage with my work. I had some wonderful interactions and I’m so grateful to everyone who came to say hi.

Did 2 actual IRL paintings I hadn’t painted with acrylics at all since around 2020 when I got an iPad. This year I decided to check I can still paint by hand and turns out I’m still ok at it.

Exhibited at a local gallery I also hadn’t exhibited in galleries since around 2018, so taking part in a group exhibition with my new paintings felt like a fun (and scary) opportunity this year.

Storyboarded ‘Unravelled’ graphic novella Unravelled is a horror story about knitting, written by LP Mills. Storyboarding this was a challenge since it required a level of focus I struggle to maintain, but I’m so pleased I was able to do it.  Sadly the kickstarter (that would have paid myself and Mills to fully illustrate and print it) wasn’t successful this year, but we’re holding out hope for future funding.

Illustrated ‘Football Crumpets’ play Football Crumpets is a queer audio comedy written by Lucie Isle. I made a series of character designs and spot illustrations for to advertise the Kickstarter campaign. This campaign was successful and the comedy is now in the process of being recorded by Lucie and her diverse cast of voice actors.

Experienced the worst client of my life I won’t go into detail as this broke me, I lost someone I thought was a friend, and I’ve struggled to build up confidence since. But discussing the experience with fellow creatives made me realise almost everyone has had a client from hell at one point or another. Lessons learned: Always write up a contract in advance and question anything you’re not sure about. Don’t compromise on your work boundaries for friends.

Had 3 character commissions Dramatically down from last year and I wonder how much is due to AI and no one having any money. Who knows! I love illustrating people’s OCs and Dnd characters, and the commissions I did get have been really fun. Two of them are in the banner above this section 👆

Snowbaz & Fandom Adventures

This is only the second year I’ve engaged with the lovely Snowbaz community and I am so glad I pushed myself to do it. I’ve made some wonderful friends and I’m sharing my writing publicly for the first time in years. I’ve not done much compared to most, but I’m trying to pace myself so I don’t burn out and stop enjoying it. I’m hoping to be healthier this year thanks to new meds, so with any luck I’ll be able to do a bit more than in 2024.

Snow On Ice (writer) (M, 3.8K words, chapter 1/12ish) For CORB 24 with concept and artwork by @iamamythologicalcreature is one of the first two fics I’ve ever shared on Ao3 and I’m loving every second of writing this!!

Boundless (writer) (T, 4.5K words, chapter 1/5) Also for CORB 24, this time with @cattocavo This one has taken a bit of a back seat as I’ve discovered the hard way that I can’t write two large fics at once (curse my limitations!!!) but I’m looking forward to getting back to this when I can, especially since Catto has already produced so much incredible artwork for it and it needs to be shared!!!

On Every Wall (artist) (E, 24K, chapters 2/2)written by @orange-peony for CORB 24. I love drawing these boys so much, dammit. It was so good working with Peony and seeing her story unfold based off my indulgent artwork (an edit of which is in the above banner). I wanted to draw so much more for this fic, but health and work got in the way.

Fics that have brought me comfort and joy:

I get through a lot of Ao3 fics, but wanted to give a shout out to the fics that have stayed with me long after reading them. I cannot get over the healing power of writing and how incredible it is that so many of us can find common ground in this way. 

Someone Wicked The first is @artsyunderstudy’s Someone Wicked (Snowbaz, E, Chapters). It wrecked me and then built me back up again in the best way possible. Seeing their artwork is always an inspiration too, and I have listened to their Something Wicked Playlist about a billion times. Like any well adjusted normal person, right??

Blame it on My Youth (Andreil AFTG, E, 1.5M words, Chapters 136/?) I still owe @yourficstheyglow a lengthy Ao3 comment on how much this fic has changed my life. It’s held my hand and encouraged me to look after myself better over the past 6 months in a way therapy never has. I vibed with their depiction of Neil SO HARD. His reluctance to engage with mediation and journalling is so relatable. Along with his frustration at people forever suggesting it to him, and then his irritation that it actually helps a bit. 😂 Reading about Neil shopping around for therapists, working on his communication and downloading self care apps (even though he hates it all every step of the way) has resulted in me printing out charts to help identify my emotions, making a spreadsheet of potential therapists to approach when I’m ready, journaling for the first time in yeeeears and getting a handle on my mental health in a way I never really have before. I even downloaded the stupid Finch app (after years of people suggesting it to me) because Neil did (I named by bird Neil). When I’ve felt lonely and sad, I’ve found reassurance and safety in Neil and Andrew being soft with each other, exploring their boundaries as Andrew works through his trauma from SA, stepping outside of their comfort zones, trusting each other and respecting each other’s limitations. 

Of Cats and Closed Doors (Fitzloved Rote, E, 785K words, Chapters 77/?) I’ve been dipping in and out of this fic by @tragediegh for a good 18 months now, if not longer. I am full of love for the Farseer Trilogy books and ate them up a few years ago. The Liveship Traders came next but then I got too in my head to ready the Tawny Man trilogy, since Fitz and the Fool are so dear to me I didn’t know how to handle them going through more trauma. I just want them to hug and kiss and be loved so badly!! Ellipsis provided a monumental dose of comfort and healing in this fic. It’s become my personal canon. Last year, thanks to this fic, I finally had the courage to start reading The Tawny Man trilogy. I’m on to book 2 now and although I am terrified, I know I can come back to Of Cats and Closed Doors to remind myself in Ellipsis’ universe everything turns out ok!

I think that'll do for 2024! Tags here are to say I appreciate you and thank you for chilling with me in the tumblrverse.

@youarenevertooold @iamamythologicalcreature @alexalexinii @cattocavo @that-disabled-princess

@orange-peony @cutestkilla @rimeswithpurple @larkral @best--dress

@scribble-tier @theimpossibledemon @artsyunderstudy @raenestee @thewholelemon

@nightimedreamersworld @itriednottothinkaboutit @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @angelsfalling16

@the-beard-of-edward-teach @monbons @katatsumuli

@aristocratic-otter @snowbazdaily @argumentativeantitheticalg @lovelyladzzzz @eremeldanin

[endlessmidnights]

Every time I want to confess I’ve relapsed I think to myself it’s not bad enough to justify burdening someone else

[ak-harper-loves-fiction]

"In my head, I’m a monster. At school, I’m a monster. At home, I’m a monster. Am I a monster?"

Another quote from one of my stories.

[thyroiddiseasediaries]

My absolute worst nightmare happened. My disabled, OCD/PMDD/PTSD fear…

My mother died suddenly.

My caretaker.

My best friend.

My safe space.

My dad is dead, and now my mom.

I hate myself, I want to die.

I want to hurt myself.

I had a nightmare where I cry out for my mom to wake me up and tell me I’m safe and it’s okay. Only to realize as I was doing that… she’s gone. It’s been a week.

Longer since she first collapsed.

I am scared and I don’t really want to live.

But I promised her before they took her off life support that I would take care of myself, I’d be okay. I’m gonna break generational trauma and make her proud.

So I kind of have to keep going, because she’s told me many times that’s what she wants, and for me to be okay and happy and out of that dark space.

But now I’m left with a dirty, disgusting And humiliatingly gross home. Because after my dad died, and during the pandemic our health/mental health declined.

All I want to do is go home and feel my mom there and feel peace and clean it up. Make her proud. But I’m in pain both physically and mentally. I hate being here without her.

I hate how afraid I am to be alone, but desperately need alone time and space to decompress. I’m incredibly fortunate to have family that’s helping to take care of me right now and help me slowly gain more independence. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head.

But it hurts so fucking much I can’t.

She was supposed to get better. We were supposed to get better together. She was supposed to have more time to finally heal from the trauma and wounds that ultimately killed her. I watched her die slowly, I see her lying on the floor.

It hurts more and is more scary than anything I’ve ever been through. It is all consuming, agonizing, exhausting torture.

I wanted to crawl into that grave with her.

I miss you so much mommy.

[the-immortal-restless]

I hate when I’m wrong about shit like resetting your nervous system. I’ve never, like, done it… so I tried and it fucking worked

It was like… all the pressure left my head, I thought I would’ve needing to do bloodletting to achieve this.

In conclusion, if you also struggle with any of the mental illnesses I do (C!PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression) and you feel a big pressure in your head…

Try splashing your face with cold water, sometimes a soak of your face is necessary but often it’s just a splash. Nothing wrong with it, it’s a little startling but the relief far outweighs it.

[beautifulbookishdisaster]

Several years ago, a plank of reason broke within me, and I dropped down and down, and hit a world at every plunge. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but precedent is cold comfort when you feel the funeral in your brain.

John Green, The Anthropocene Reviewed (The World's Largest Ball of Paint)

[xvelvetcoffinx]

The sexual tension between my skull and the wall is absolutely insane.

[to0needy]

i spend so much time on tumblr bc i feel like that’s the only place that makes me feel so understood and not alone

[doomedfromthewombfr]

I fall apart so quietly that even I forget I’m breaking

[gor3sigil]

My brain: Oh BACK TO SCHOOL TIME ?

Are you ready for your yearly traumatic regression, CPTSD symptoms on blast, and having the contradicting feelings of anxiety from the heavy bullying you went through VS the regret you have of not having lived the "boyhood" you made up in your head ?

Me: ... We're 27 ffs we're old enough to NOT do that anymore.

My brain: YOU BET, BITCH.

[innateapathy]

I want to be happy today.

Why is that so much to ask for?