#I’m guessing it’s bc of stress
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u ever think about how furrowed Copia’s brow has become?? yeah me neither.
#I’m guessing it’s bc of stress#me too buddy#u poor thing let me save u#the band ghost#ghost#ghost bc#copia#cardinal copia#papa iv#copia is my husband#tobias forge#papa emeritus iv#copia my beloved#ghost copia#papa 4
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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Super appreciate people like thinking of me and Iike hoping I feel better and stuff. Thank you lots.
But like I’m fine. I know I was complaining and venting, and all that stands. But I’m okay. I have a handful of less than ideal relationships in my life that are def stressful. I’m stressed today because of it. But it’s also something I’m really used to and it’s not something at the center of my life usually. Prolly shouldn’t be something I’m as used to. But eh, it is what it is.
#does a little bit remind of how when I was talking to my therapist one day and describing how I felt w something#and she’s like that sounds like being miserable#and I was like what?? like that is far too normal for miserable#my idea of miserable was def a lot worse#I like went and looked up miserable after bc I was so confused#I don’t think that did anything tho lol#tho like I guess to be fair def have gaslight myself in the best to think things weren’t as bad as they were lol#but like it’s 3 or 4 really stressful relationships and having a hard time w befriending women#like who doesn’t have a hard time making friends these days lol#def feeling more physically bad then emotionally bad#tho like maybe after the call I’ll feel like oh no I’m bad mean person again#but like that does tend to pass once I’m interacting w people who make me feel better#personal
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love that all my stress dreams are “zombie” apocalypse themed lately
#chappell roan was my friend in this one so at least there’s that I guess??#and like it was also a video game somehow#and so I could kinda just stop and pause the dream#at one point I tried asking my brother for help to get past this one section#bc I’m shit at video games and apparently so is chappell#and my brother was like nah I don’t like playing those games anymore#and it’s like????#bro!!!!!#anyway#it was mostly a lot of sneaking around#and generally avoiding whatever the creature was#and I’m good at that#near the end of the dream it turned into some kind of amusement park attraction type thing#and me and all the other people that were in the gadget/souvenir/hunting/camping store#all got on this weird boat train thing and I went looking for the bathroom and then the dream ended#oof….#there were a lot of weird bits to it#that I’m remembering now#and they weren’t even that scary but like they were stressful#it was a very pretty dream all things considered#had lots of plants and overgrowth and pretty lights
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i think my ac unit is moldy because um. there’s black stuff all in it. and i mentioned it to my coworker bc i wanted her to either be the voice of reason to tell me to suck it up and clean it out like a responsible adult (even though im not sure how you even get in there) or to indulge my weak-willed desire to just buy a new one to avoid the effort and was pleasantly surprised when she was like “god just buy a new one.” you mean i don’t need to suffer? i can take the easy way out? i’m allowed to replace things? that sounds crazy
#i’m still struggling with it bc it feels soooo wasteful to get rid of an appliance. but maybe i can get a new one for now and clean this#later. bc if i try to clean it it won’t be until the end of the season which could be another month and a half#but if i get a new one i could replace it within the next week and breathe less mold spores#stupid to do this right after spending a ton of money on clothes. but i guess sometimes you need to buy things#i hate spending money. when will i not feel stressed about spending money#chatpost
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i would beg my brain chemistry to magically realign itself on a sensed wavelength before I end up begging for meds i don’t think it’s too much to ask is it /s
#personal for ts#ngl i get why therapist would rather not but god i just cried for twenty minutes#because i couldn’t find the thing you use to put water in the iron#and i looked at the living room desk which is a complete mess and burst out in tears#i’m late answering EVERYTHING I can’t bring myself to get out of bed at the right time in the morning#I need to finish commissions and I can’t do three sentences#and ofc 90% of the relatives think that i either need to calm down and NO NEED TO STRESS or think i have no reason to be stressed anyway#i’m so fucking tired#and like i know that i’m shit at getting over things quick and i just got worse with age#idek what i’m getting at#and i feel ridiculous bc ik what kicked me into the spiral#and i need to get the fuck over it because there is no way i’m getting any closure on that front#i KNOW that#but my brain doesn’t i guess#we’re back at i am this picture and i don’t like ir while staring at stannis baratheon aren’t we#sigh#anyway sorry for the debbiedownering s2g im answering everyone soon
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror
#she speaks#truly cannot keep living like this gang!#burned out and stressed constantly to a level that i keep thinking will plateau#only for it to keep somehow getting worse#idk if y’all know this but being a teacher in america is truly a completely unsustainable job#it verges on deliberate cruelty the shit we’re just supposed to handle and be ok with every day#and the expectations we’re supposed to be able to meet#with very little time to plan or prepare let alone rest#tomorrow i literally have no planning time#so i won’t get a single break outside of like 20 minutes for lunch if i’m lucky#and then we have a grade level meeting after school that i didn’t know about until literally today#bc we need to have report card comments done by tomorrow.#which you’ll never guess!! we also didn’t know about/weren’t reminded of until today!!#and maybe that’s on me but admin normally puts out so much stuff about it ahead of time#and this time we got literally nothing#and now i’ve had to cancel my therapy appointment right when i probably need it the most#and since it’s less than 24 hours i might get charged for it 🙃#i haven’t vacuumed in months and my car inspection is 3 months overdue#i wake up exhausted every single day and come home so overwhelmed i can barely talk#and yet things keep fucking happening every single day#and it all just keeps compounding#and i have no other option but to keep pushing through and hope it doesn’t literally kill me#this can’t be all there is. it can’t keep feeling like this forever. when does it get better i cant keep doing this
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just thinking abt how when i was 13 i had internet friends from instagram (book instagram was very popular for the 13 yr old girl population at the time) who were the same age as me & among other things one of them was like oh i can teach you how to have an eating disorder like 😭😭😭 literally those exact words & i was like yes this is normal :) i tried to employ those tips however i already had an eating disorder so it made it impossible for me to give myself a second eating disorder that would contradict the first one i didn’t realize i had. but basically social contagions among teenage girls are crazy 😭😭😭😭
#michelle speaks#very hard to make urself anorexic when u already have binge eating disorder 😭 VERY incompatible eating disorders….#but like crazy how teenage girls will just be like oh i can teach u how to have an eating disorder for no reason like it’s not like i asked#she just offered it up to us in the chat 😭 and i was like ok i guess i should try that#but obvs i couldn’t do it bc i could not cope w my stress & anxiety w/o eating as per bed 🤪#them + the other 13 yr olds on instagram were also the reason i started c*tting. like girls. what r we doing.#like it never occurred to me to do those things until i saw other girls my age doing it & acting like it was cool so i was like oh i guess#i’m supposed to do it too. although to be real i prob would have started c*tting anyway once i saw it in some media or another anyway#AND i developed an eating disorder all on my own so when u think abt it. i was very on trend just by being me ❤️#i only say the second thing bc i was very deeply depressed & not then but over time i did start developing a lot of self harm fantasies etc#but that is MY personal business. but even if so it was damaging to see that stuff at 13#bc perhaps maybe i wouldn’t have & maybe i wouldn’t have had self harm fantasies as an adult & such#ok well i was supposed to go to sleep but i spent 20 mins writing this post for no reason. oops!
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oh wait also any anons or mutuals or whatever pls don’t be like. worried or paranoid
nothing any of you have done has ever made me uncomfortable (even like, the tongue in cheek parasocial stuff). like I am fr chilling on here and you all are good 👍
#Basically what happened earlier was someone was following me and wanted to be friends and I was like cool#But like I didn’t respond to their messages and stuff fast enough I think?? Or I guess with not enough enthusiasm bc they like.#kinda blocked me for it and said it was for the best and I was like uhhh ok…?#mind you this happened within the span of a day so 💀 a lot#Just#yeah.#it made me nervous bc I’m off my antidepressants rn and the withdrawal is hitting hard#and I felt like an asshole#and I cannot handle extra stress rn absjsbsjsb
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My downfall with not-too-serious deadlines: I’m not submitting it on the day of, and most definitely not ahead of schedule. Because oh !! no no no ! ! My brain knows the secret third option of ”very first thing next morning”
#like it won’t matter if I send this in today at 10pm or tmrw at 9am#bc they wouldn’t be going over it today anymore#and with that I bought extra 12hours#bc guess if I always procrastinate so that the extra 12h are crucial and the most productive#’’but why don’t u just set a deadline for urself earlier?’’ bc my brain KNOWS it’s a fake deadline and won’t do its hyperfocus mode#(everything I do is hella stressful bc of this but my brain loves to concentrate in the last possible moment and not one minute earlier)#(it’s 7pm and I’m settling in to get this thing done I had 1.5 weeks to do yay)#(the deadline is yes today; I’m aiming at the 9am tmrw)#been thinking that it could be a perfectionism thing: super anxious abt making it The Best Ever so I’m too overwhelmed to start but now whe#I just need to get it done (bc it’s already too late) I can actually just do it#and you’d think that if I know the problem I could not do the same thing every time but alas#studyblr#uni studyblr#february 2024#2024
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My shoulder is out of place and it’s just like. Every time my body does something i get shocked like I don’t have dislocation inflammation throbbing achey hurty disorder.
“cannot BELIEVE my shoulder is slipping out of place rn this is absolutely unprecedented! the pain!!” It has happened literally 50 different times
#I will say my left shoulder isn’t the typical one so that’s annoying but at least once ever few weeks this happens why am I shocked#but I guess I’m used to being generally uncomfortable so when I feel pain at a level that it’s actually bothersome I get soooo annoyed#like anything between a 4-7 is just annoying and makes me angry I don’t get sad and desperate until 8#at an 8 I’m honestly not sad yet but I get stressed out bc like. is it gonna get WORSE or is it gonna go down first im mostly worried at 8
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Stupid silly sketchbook doodles of beloved basketball club shhdfbfbgby it’s so important 2 me that they act like annoying brothers to each other and also that everyone in nrc acts like they’d rather be shot than develop a crush on one of their bitch classmates
#cereal tries to draw#twisted wonderland#ummmmm. i don’t wanna tag anymore I’m embarrased LOL I wasn’t gonna post it#I was just doodling for private funsies but like yknow how Ywannatalk about ideas with people#even just goofy little headcanons lol#but like u don’t wanna directly place ur thoughts and feelings in front of someone sometimes#bc then it’s DIRECT and STRESSFUL A#but u also don’t feel like it’s worth a Post For All To See#we r keeping it casual here on cerealmonster15 dot tumblr dot com#I just wanna bully my sons#ok literally tho can u read my handwriting. this is the natural state#of on paper and normal not written with intent for others to need to see lol#anyway I think of Ace liked deuce he’d be soooooo complainy about it. and in denial#but I think once he wasn’t in denial he’d be bitching constantly#and I think Jamil would also want to die if he started liking azul lol#Floyd would bully them both. he’s having a great time. god for him I guess#Ace: well hang on let me pause my agony to go baby bro mode and annoy Jamil real quick#get the heat off him (which he started by complaining loudly first)#Floyd: haha you two like dweebs#can u imagine the turmoil of third years developing feelings#they r all allergic. except rook I guess but he’s his own flavor of freak#lilia is dad he doesn’t count he already had his romance agony [REDACTED BOOK 7 SPOILERS]#first years also allergic EXCEPT applejuice. Epel and deuce together are like bro I love u.#second years are mostly allergic but also contain Kalim and silver#shoutout to the light magic users mwah#actually silver I don’t know. I don’t think he’d be resistant but I think he just wouldn’t realize what he’s feeling at first#he’d be so 🧍 about it I think#well bitch you (me) better figure it out since ur actively writing Kalim/silver!!! girl help#ok I need to go to bed I have a long weekend ahead of me#Jamil blows Ace up with his mind the end
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okay not dropping out 👍
#mostly bc i am on my period rn and i stand by the idea that you should not make big life decisions while actively bleeding and feeling sad#but also my current two career options are a) writer. which is not a stable income source. and b) librarian which i need a degree for anywa#i mean there is c) astrophysicist but atm i would rather gnaw my own arm off than stay in uni a moment longer than necessary#i do not think i am built for academia let’s just put it that way. and you kinda absolutely need a phd for astro jobs#we’ll see in 2026 i guess. i know i want to work this summer and replenish my frankly depressing savings#but the summer after i might look at work experience and placements and see if there are any astro related ones#idk. i just miss home a lot and i’m always bored and stressed and every time i think about money i feel physically unwell <3#morganposting#i wonder if anyone actually reads these. what even are they. diary entires slash record of mental decline?? idk#if you do read them just know that this was supposed to be a fandom blog not 60% diary. i’m sorry and i love you <3
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bwuhhuuh sick
#jaytalking#i’m stressed af bc i did test negative today it’s like. almost 100% that ive caught covid#and i don’t want to miss my classes but also like. i’m not going to go sit in a lecture hall with covid even though i have kn95s#everybody give it up for friends who don’t disclose feeling sick until 2 hours in to having dinner together#also goddamn. i wish i wasn’t in a dorm room rn bc guess who is wearing a mask to sleep bc i have a roommate?#me. throwback to europe last year (my ears are going to be so sore they were in so much pain when i basically doubled masked for like.#a week straight. it was so painful)
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I feel like I came out of the womb with raging anxiety
#never been fully relaxed a day in my life#literally had a panic attack at age 6-7(?)#I’ve been super self aware for as long as I can remember#the tension in my body is my natural state#I’ve BEEN imagining every worst case scenario since I could form thoughts#7th-8ish grade is where it got worse#had panic attacks like four times a week#and then heart palpitations started and holy shit I was googling symtoms and that would make it worse#was convinced I would get a heart attack#having a headache is part of my daily routine#then I got a crush on a guy and with it came body dysmorphia#couldn’t look people in the eye from how ugly I felt(still struggle with this one but we got this💪🏼💪🏼)#now I mostly just cry#like I deadass get stressed and overwhelmed and just cry#depression came next and I was honestly not surprised#and it tampered my anxiety a bit but I’d honestly rather feel stressed than feel so numb#yeah I wouldn’t recommend#so basically I lie awake feeling aware of my own heartbeat or of my body#oh and I can’t forget the physical pain that anxiety caused me#muscle aches literally convinced me there was something wrong with me#went to the doctor numerous times bc I NEEDED to be diagnosed with something or I would go crazy and instead got told to see a therapist#and the therapist basically told me everything I had already figured out myself but at least I can talk to someone#tw anxiety#tw depression#tw body dysmorphia#anxiety#mentions of depression#and I’m only a teenager so should I be worried about what happens in the next few years? bc this already sounds like a lot to me#this was supposed to be a funny little post but nvm I guess?? don’t worry about me I’m good though many good things in my life#teenager
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