#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two

[e77y]

Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness

[salty-autistic-writer]

Chapter Five of "Hold My Hand, I'll Walk With You My Dear"

Summary: 5 times Buck and Tommy talk about their fears and 1 time they defeat fear together.

"Home sweet home,” Evan says cheerily, opening the door to Tommy’s apartment and switching on the lights.

“Finally,” Tommy sighs relieved and hobbles over the doorstep with his crutches, grimacing at the aching pain in his hip. Finally no more hospital. No more people coming into his room unannounced, prodding him or telling him to do stupid tests. No more mushy hospital food he can’t stand to have in his mouth. No more. 

Now, he only has to somehow survive the endless hours of being trapped at home.

After too many weeks of surgeries, recovery and physical therapy, his doctor finally agreed to release him, though under the condition that he has someone with him who makes sure he doesn’t fall and hurt himself in the shower, that he regularly takes his meds and does his exercises.

Tommy felt a familiar pang of pain at her words. He hates to be reminded of the fact that he doesn’t have a present supportive family. They don’t even know that he almost died. Again.

Then, Evan told the doctor, “Yeah, I got this.” Without a hint of hesitation.

And Tommy stared up at him, unable to comprehend his words for a moment. 

I got this. Did Evan really just say that? He couldn’t be serious. Spending his precious free time between shifts like that? No way …

Even though there were love confessions now and talks about moving in with each other, this was too much. Tommy was about to open his mouth and protest when the doctor beamed at Evan, said, “Excellent, I’ll get the discharge papers” and left. Evan turned to look at Tommy with a bright smile on his face and gave him a thumbs up and Tommy … Tommy closed his mouth. God. Evan really was serious.

Now, he’s about to discover how serious …

“I already prepared,” Evan says, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans and smiling somewhat nervously, “I hope that’s ok.”

Prepared? Tommy frowns. He finally makes it to his living room - and stops. “Oh,” is all that comes over his lips. His couch is covered in several blankets and pillows. Looks like a nest. A very very cozy nest. Also, there is a ridiculously big fruit basket on the side table. And snacks. And his meds. And water bottles. Tommy is speechless.

“Ok?” Evan asks, his eyes flicking between the couch and Tommy. He scratches the back of his head and tilts his head. “It’s a bit much, right? I just thought you might want to have everything in reaching distance. So you don’t have to get up if I’m not there for a moment.”

“It’s more than ok,” Tommy says quietly, still staring. Something warm curls around his heart and it feels painful, but in a good way. “I … Thank you.”

Evan beams at him. “Come on, sit down. Do you want to take a nap or are you up for a movie? I made a list since you are criminally behind every popular franchise right now.”

Tommy limps to the couch and carefully sits, leaning back into the pillows and mumbling a “thanks” when Evan takes the crutches and leans them against the wall. Tommy puts his legs on the couch and God, it’s so comfy. No one has ever done something like this for him. His eyes start to burn and he can feel his throat tightening. He might actually start to cry.

“Are you hungry yet? If you’re hungry we can also order pizza or Chinese or whatever you - are you okay?!” Evan blurts, his eyes widening when he looks at Tommy. “Are you in pain?”

Tommy shakes his head, rubbing at his burning eyes. “No. I think I’m going to cry. And I fear I’m not going to be able to blame it on the medication since ugly sobbing isn’t listed in the side effects.”

“Ok, but are you crying because you’re in pain or because you thought about something very sad?” Evan asks, frowning in concern.

“Neither,” Tommy says and smiles weakly. “It’s happy tears.”

Evan’s face relaxes. He blushes an adorable light shade of red. “Oh.”

“Yeah. This …” Tommy gestures around. “What you did. No one has ever done something like this for me. And it’s overwhelming. But in a good way. I just have to get rid of the fear that I'm too much of a burden like this."

“I’m sorry no one has taken care of you before,” Evan says seriously. “You deserve it. You're definitely not a burden. I love you and I want to make sure you're okay."

Tommy looks away because the care in Evan’s eyes is too much right now. He wishes he could believe that, instead of fearing he is going to be too much of a burden.

“I should warn you. I’m a terrible patient. Being forced to stay at home all the time makes me antsy," he says.

“Well, you’re not going to be alone,” Evan points out, sitting on the couch as well. “And even if you are, you can always text me. Even if I am not going to be able to read and react immediately, it might help you to release some energy.”

“Okay,” Tommy says quietly, his chest glowing. God. How are you so perfect? 

And the fear returns with that thought. Because Tommy is far from perfect. That’s why he’s been alone for so long. Somehow, he always manages to mess things up. What if he manages to mess this up too? Right now, everything seems to work out. He’s been careful. Has opened up in fractions. And Evan is still here. He made all this effort and wants to stay and take care of Tommy. So maybe, this is going to last. But can he be sure about that?

“Are you okay?” Evan asks and Tommy winces. Apparently, he’s been quiet for too long.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just a little tired,” he says, suppressing a yawn. “You don’t have to stay, you know? If you want to go home, you can. I’ll be fine.”

Evan shakes his head. “I have everything I need. I brought a bag. So unless you really want me to leave, I can stay.”

“Please stay,” Tommy breathes. A bit too fast, maybe. Too desperate. God. He’s really tired now. Can feel it in his aching muscles. And his head started to pound again. Feels as if someone would hit his temples with a hammer. He grimaces. “I think I have to take the medication now.”

Evan fetches the pills and pours him a glass of water. Tommy downs it all and then leans back, into the warm softness of the pillows. He can feel sleep reaching for him. And he’s way too exhausted to fight it.

“I’m going to go to the grocery store,” Evan tells him. “But I’ll be back in a moment, alright?”

“Alright,” Tommy mutters, not able to keep his eyes open anymore.

He feels the ghost of a warm kiss on his forehead and smiles. This is nice. He slowly starts to believe that it could always be like this. That he’s not a burden. That this is how a relationship is supposed to be. That he can be himself. And that he can allow himself to be taken care of without fear.

A door closes.

It’s alright, he thinks while falling asleep. He’ll be back when I wake up. I know.

[chicaotaku-fanfics]

There's Three of You?! Pt. 18

Now, finally, FINALLY, part 3/3 of the arc... which ended up being longer than I ever thought, so, my bad on that front. Stillo, hope you enjoy.

Also, yes, this pic if from the actual YouTube promo pic of the trial scene.

Warnings: foul language, might be some medical inconsistencies .

CHAPTER 18

I was standing outside the courtroom, trying to comprehend what had just happened when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around my waist and a voice whispered in my ear.

“So dear wife, what should we do about this seemingly huge problem of people assuming we’re married?” Jay asked me, I leaned on him.

“No idea. I mean, we do share our mom’s face shape, but your hair color and mine are two tones apart. Not to mention you have green eyes and mine are brown.” I paused for a second, we heard footsteps approaching us, we turned as one and we were face to face with Erin, Dr. Charles, Al, Ruzek and Atwater.

“Do we really look so different that people can confuse us with a married couple instead of seeing we’re siblings?” we asked at the same time.

“When you do that, you’re clearly siblings.” said Erin.

“Hell, even your expression’s the same.” Ruzek added.

“But then you act like that…” started Atwater, pointing to how Jay was hugging me from behind. “and I can see why people think you’re married.” he added.

“I honestly thought you were a couple the first time we met Lilly.” said Al, I blushed and then groaned, at the same time Jay groaned too.

“Anyway, where’s Voight?” asked Jay, going into business mode again.

“He’s speaking with Dana about taking the stand.” said Al, we nodded, just then we heard a phone ding, one of us had a text message, we all checked, it was mine. I raise my phone to indicate it was me who got a text.

From: Big Red ❤️

Why did I have to hear from the hospital’s rumor mill that you’re at court today?

To: Big Red ❤️

To be honest, no one should’ve known

But when you have someone like Doris in the ED… news fly

From: Big Red ❤️

Fair point.

Still… what are you doing there?

Is this because of Jay’s call the other day?

To: Big Red ❤️

It is.

I’ll explain as soon as I can.

From: Big Red ❤️

Very well. Take care, please.

To: Big Red ❤️

I will.

Love you Will

❤️

From: Big Red ❤️

Love you too LilyBloom 

❤️

To: Big Red ❤️ ❤️

“Excuse us.” we heard, making us all turn to see who wanted our attention. To our surprise, some of the former patients of this… monster approached us, and I listened to each and everyone of them. I extended my business card, the hospital one, to all of them.

“I know it’s not much, and you all may not even trust doctors at this point. But if it’s worth something, here’s my card. You call me and I’ll make sure you are referred to the best oncologists Chicago Med has to offer.” I said, extending the card to the sixth woman of the group standing before me.

“Not only that, on my part, I can offer free therapy sessions with the best psychiatrists and psychologists Med has to offer.” Dr. Charles said, extending his business card. They all took the cards.

“Thank you. It’s nice to see that not all doctors see us as a way to cash a paycheck.” said one of them, I nodded.

“«If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.»” I recited the exact part of the Hippocratic Oath that always resonated with me, since even before entering med school; to always stay humble and understand I’m not God to save everyone.

Everyone looked at me, the Intelligence Unit were all shocked, Jay looked at me with pride in his eyes, Dr. Charles looked satisfied and proud, the women smiled, I smiled at them. One of them walked to me and took my hands in hers.

“Thank you, Dr. Halstead… for giving us back hope that’ll we get better.” said the woman, I squeezed her hands.

“You have nothing to thank me for.” I said, the smile still on my face. Then, the woman pulled me into a hug. I was surprised for a second, but hugged her back.

Not long after we were all called back inside, I guided the woman I was hugging, and the rest followed her lead. We all let them go in first, then we entered and it was then that Voight was called to the stand.

“All three victims were in contact with each other, comparing notes. We know this from their phone records.” Voight started to explain  “After their December 10th meeting with Dr. Reybold, they agreed to an experimental treatment which, in actuality, was simply twice the usual dose of chemo.” he continued. “The following week, he upped it to three times the amount. By the time they wound up in the hospital, it was at seven times.” he added.

“Because they confronted him about what he did, and he was afraid of being exposed.” Dana said, I wanted to facepalm myself, but couldn’t.

Don’t say it like that or they’ll say you’re…

“Objection. Counsel is testifying.” said Reybold’s lawyer.

“Sustained.” said the judge.

“In your investigation, did you find it suspicious three patients met with the doctor one day…”

“Objection. No one knows what transpired in this meeting.” that woman interrupted, again.

“That's because everyone in that meeting besides Dr. Reybold is dead or in a coma.” said Dana, looking at the jury.

“You Honor.” said the dirty blonde woman.

“One more time, and you're in contempt.” said the judge, I started to worry.

“Could the amounts the patients received have been lab mistakes?” asked Dana.

“No, Dr. Reybold's signature was on every order.” Voight answered.

“Well, what about a dosing error?” she asked this time.

“His staffer testified that Dr. Reybold personally administered those doses.”

“But the staffer cut a deal.” said Dana.

“That doesn't mean it wasn't the truth.” said Voight, I bit the inside of my cheek not to laugh.

“Objection. Improper opinion.” said Dr. Reybold’s lawyer.

“Sustained.” said the judge.

“What about any other witnesses who…” Dana started but was, again, interrupted.

“Asked and answered.” said the doctor’s attorney.

It’s starting to get really hard not to slap her.

“Yes, Ms. Shelby, move on.” said the judge, I believe two seconds away from slapping Dana.

“Your Honor, someone has to speak for these victims.” she said.

“You don't speak. You ask questions. And if nobody else saw the doctor dosing…” said the judge, before he was interrupted by Voight.

“Someone else did.” he said, making everyone turn to him. “Me. I saw Dr. Reybold dose a patient. My wife. I saw Dr. Reybold dose my wife Camille who died of cancer under Dr. reybold's care six years ago.” said Voight, leaving me speechless.

I turned to see Jay asking if he knew about it with my eyes, his expression told me it was a first for him too.

“Sergeant Voight…” started Dana

“I'm a witness. I saw him dose a patient.” he said.

“The state has no further questions for this witness.” she said, going back to her seat.

“Well, I have a few.” said Dr. Reybold’s attorney.

Oh no… Lord help us all.

“Losing your wife to cancer must have been very painful, sergeant.” she made a pause. “Can you talk about your wife's illness?” she asked.

“Camille was referred to Dr. Reybold when her ovarian cancer returned. He recommended an aggressive course and then a second round when that didn't get it all.” Voight started to speak. I was in absolute shock, and by Jay’s expression, I could tell he was in the same state I was. “She was cold all the time… Couldn't keep food down. Memory went in and out. She… She was depressed. She fought as hard as she could, but…” he continued, but had to pause.

“She sounds brave.” the woman said.

“She was.” he added.

“You're still in mourning over your wife's death.” said the lawyer, taking a step forward. “Isn't that what this is about?” she asked, my jaw almost hit the ground.

The AUDACITY?! Have some respect, lady!

“No.” Voight said firmly.

“How gratifying would it be to help convict Dr. Reybold?” she asked.

“It would be very gratifying.” said Voight.

“No further questions.” she said, sounding smug as if she had won, while going back to her seat.

“For all his victims.” Voight added, making the woman turn to him again.

“I said no further questions. You answered exactly as I expected you to.” she said, as if explaining her reasoning would make a difference.

“Redirect? What other victims are you referring to, Sergeant Voight?” asked Dana, and I could finally see the pieces falling into place.

“Objection.” said the dirty blonde lawyer.

“Ms. Green questioned my witness about one prior patient, Camille voight. Now she opened the door to the other 42 patients he treated.” explained Dana.

Oh… so that’s her name.

“She's right. Overruled.” said the judge

“What other victims?” Dana asked again.

“Helen Graham… Nia Felten… Priya Parvati… Anne Gamerman… And 38 other people this doctor diagnosed with cancer they didn't have and treated with chemo they didn't need.” Voight said, listing four women literally making me want to strangle Reybold.

“And how do you know this to be true?” asked Dana.

“Because he said so himself in court under oath.” Voight answered with zero hesitation.

“Objection!” exclaimed Ms. Green.

Not so confident now, huh?

“Overruled. Continue.” said the judge.

“Dr. Reybold confessed to personally poisoning 42 patients, ruining their lives, terrifying them and their families, and he did it all for a payout, and he admitted to all of this as part of a deal he made with the state of Illinois, copping to fraud." Voight pretty much accused Reybold, looking directly at the jury.

As he did that, Dana walked to her seat and grabbed a stack of papers.

“This deal, Sergeant Voight?” she asked, as she made her way to Voight, only to show him the deal.

”That's the one.” he said.

“The state would like to enter into evidence case number 111 496 and amend its witness list by 42 people.” Dana said, as she went and handed a copy of the deal and updated list to the judge, and then going towards the side where Reybold and his team are seated to practically slam that same document in Ms. Green’s seat.

Oh my God… it looks like we’ll actually win this thing.

We were allowed a break while the jury deliberated the verdict, and I could only hope for the best. Just then, Ruzek walked over to me, standing at my side.

“Hey.” he said, hands in his pockets.

“Hey Ruz.” I said, a coffee cup in my hand.

“What you did was really brave. Helping us by going undercovered, and now testifying against this… monster.” he said, I turned to look at him.

“I’m a firm believer that, if you see someone doing the wrong thing and you don’t speak up, then you’re just as guilty. This man caused three women to land in the hospital, the exact same day, two of them dying because of an overdose… that’s a very long shot away from the « First do no harm » part of the Hippocratic Oath.” I said, he turned to look at me, I turned to look at him.

“Still, I just wanted to say, great job. And thank you.” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I nodded and smiled at him.

Al was the one to come get us for the hearing of the verdict.

“On the count of narcotic induced homicide of Danielle Frank…” asked the judge.

“We find the defendant guilty.” said the jury.

I let out a sigh of immense relief, Jay mirroring it, and reached out to hold his hand. He grabs on to me without hesitation, I turn to him, and he turns to me. Our eyes say it all.

We got him.

“On the count of narcotic induced attempted homicide of Carol Shepperd…” the man asked again, this time with another woman’s name.

“We find the defendant guilty.” said the jury again.

“On the count of narcotic induced attempted homicide of Leah Kamen…” asked the judge, again with a different name.

And that was the last one.

“We find the defendant guilty.” said the jury a third time.

I nodded my head once, glad that we got justice for all these women.

“Defendant is remanded into custody until such time as a sentencing hearing is scheduled.” he slammed his gavel down, finally putting an end to this torture,  “Bailiff.” he added, calling on to the court officer.

“Hank, your wife did not suffer needlessly. You have to believe me. The cancer did come back. I never harmed Camille. These patients, I was their only hope. They got years because of me. You can't put someone away for saving lives.” Dr. Reybold started saying, desperation clear in his voice and expression, even more so apparent when the officer put the cuffs on him to take him away. “You can't!” he practically growled at Voight. “I wasn't harming them. I was helping them. Helping!” he exclaimed, even as he was led away from the room.

I stood up as soon as Jay did, looking down at my blazer to fix it.

We all walked out the courtroom, Jay behind me, and I said goodbye to all the victims of the man we just got sent away. As we continue to walk out of the courthouse as a group, I suddenly feel Jay’s presence fade, and eventually, only Dr. Charles and I are walking out of the place, only to be surrounded by news reporters.

That little shit… of course, Voight’s number 2 rule: never show your face to the media.

It takes about 20 min to finally manage to escape the reporters, because yes, even if we tried stopping them from asking us questions, they know which buttons to push to get answers, like the last question they asked me.

“Dr Halstead do you think those women are at fault here?” asked one of the reporters.

“Excuse me?” I asked back.

The fuck he just insinuated?

“Yeah, I mean, they trusted Dr. Reybold for their treatment. Shouldn’t that make them responsible for how their life’s turned out for the worse?” asked the man. I took a deep breath.

“First of all, that was rude as hell, and I will not tolerate any disrespect towards the victims of Dr. Reybold’s horrible schemes.” That sentence alone seemed to make all the idiots shut up. “Second of all, have some empathy, imagine if one of them was your wife, or your mother, your aunt, your daughter, would you dare ask such a morbid question?” half of them had the decency to look ashamed of themselves. “And third of all, they were deceived by a psychopathic doctor who has a God complex and absolutely no remorse for his actions, even going as far as still claiming he was helping these women as he was escorted out of the courtroom.” I made a pause, looking to my right when I noticed movement, it was the women. I turned back to the crowd. “As a doctor, I took an oath to do no harm, and what Dr. Reybold did is an insult to that oath. So no, these women are not responsible for what that monster did to them. And if you believe that for so much as a second, then I recommend you reevaluate your life choices so far… because somewhere along the way you chose to become a self-centered asshole who only looks after himself.” I said, turning to leave, then I turned again to see them all. “Sorry for the crude language.” I said with the fakest sweet smile I could muster and then just walked away.

We all made it to Molly’s for a drink, as soon as we entered Herrmann called the attention of everyone there.

“The heroes have arrived! Please give a round of applause to the elite team who got a psycho out of the streets!” he exclaimed, everyone started cheering, I then noticed that not only were the members of 51 present, but also Will, Connor, Sarah, Ethan, April, Ms. Goodwin, Maggie and Natalie were here too. “And please, an even bigger round of applause for Dr. Lillian Mariane Halstead, who humbled a bunch of reporters on national TV!” Herrmann added, unmuting the TV just as the reporters appeared back on the screen, there were two women -Camille Robinson and Dianne Johnson- and a man -Bill Klint-, watching the end of my outburst, waiting to give their opinion.

“That was Dr. Lillian Halstead, giving a statement earlier this afternoon after the trial against Dr. Dean Reybold, and she couldn’t be more right. What happened to the victims of this unfortunate case is nothing short of a horror movie, but thanks to the Intelligence Unit from CPD’s District 21, Dr. Daniel Charles -head of psychiatry at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center-, and Dr. Lillian Marianne Halstead -a junior resident emergency medicine physician at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center-, these women can finally put this nightmare behind them. Our condolences go to them and their families.” said Bill, then Dianne turned to him.

“Absolutely Bill, but not only is Dr. Halstead right, she proved that there are still doctors who see their patients as human beings and not another paycheck, which personally, gives me back hope in the people working in the medical system.” she said.

“And not only that, we also got footage from inside the courthouse, where Dr. Halstead can be seen comforting the victims and reciting, by heart, part of the Hippocratic Oath.” said Camillethis time.

“No way! By heart? Really?” asked Bill.

“Really, let’s check it.” said Camille. The image on the screen changed, I could immediately tell that the person recorded this from the corner of the hall where our courtroom was.

“«If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.»” and indeed there was I, reciting my oath for the victims to see that not all doctors are a lost cause. The scene ended with the woman hugging me, and me hugging her back.

“Woooow!” exclaimed Bill, seconded by Dianne.

“Well, that was just beautiful.” said Dianne.

“Not to mention inspiring.” Bill chimed in.

“I know right! Guess we now know that Gaffney’s the place to go in case of emergencies.” Dianne spoke again.

“Definitely, I can honestly say that if I want anyone treating me in case of an emergency is, hands down, Dr. Lillian Halstead.” said Camille.

“I second that!” exclaimed Dianne.

“Me third!” Bill exclaimed. “It’s nice to know that there are still doctors out there that are not all ego.” he added, then he turned to the camera. “Dr. Halstead, if you’re watching this, thank you for being an example of what a good doctor should be like.” he said, starting to clap, Dianne and Camille joined him.

“Indeed.” said Dianne.

“Maybe you won’t be able to hear this, but everyone at the studio is giving you a big round of applause Dr. Halstead. Thank you for helping the people of this city regain their trust in medical professionals back.” said Camille, and with that Herrmann muted the TV again, I was as red as a tomato.

“Come on doc, give a little speech.” he said, I declined, not really feeling like I did a big thing, but everyone started chanting, so I calmed everyone.

“Okay, okay. Uhm… I honestly don’t know what to say. I just… I saw these three women arriving in the ED, two sadly passed, still having their whole lives ahead of them, and a greedy doctor cut those lives short. I wasn’t gonna stand there doing nothing when someone was breaking the most important part of THE oath every doctor takes before practicing… we could say that I just acted. And I’ll continue to do so, for the benefit of my patients, and the city.” I said, everyone cheered again, Jay hugged me from the side, Will stood up and walked over to us to hug me too.

  Well one of the reporters was right. Finally, the nightmare is over.

FINALLY! The arc is over, and with Lilly appearing on the news, she'll be benched from UC work for a while, meaning, she'll focus on her doctor work! Yey!

[therewillbeanawakening]

i should probably talk about how my week has been, bc goddamn it sure has been a week.

earlier, i’d convinced myself i absolutely had to go to a concert bc “if i don’t i’ll never get better” (my trauma occurred at a concert). so convinced was i that this would be the thing that finally fixed me that i agreed to go to two concerts in the space of two days. and i was super nervous in the days leading up to them, afraid that either something would go horribly wrong for the band or the audience or i would freak out while there and ruin everything, but then they went well! sure it was scary, but i found ways to push through and ended up enjoying myself a lot and nothing went wrong like the last time. and i was riding that emotional high for a weekend, so proud of myself for facing my fears.

then i crashed hard.

it started when i went back to work, already feeling a bit anxious, and accidentally pulled a receipt out of my bag that turned out to be from the day of the trauma. then i felt a huge amount of guilt and regret for having gone to the concerts - i could have caused something bad to happen by being there, argued my mind. how could i be so selfish and endanger everyone just because i wanted to have fun? i kept spiraling into more and more irrational thoughts over the course of a couple days and a few unrelated issues from my personal life got roped into it, and it culminated in me breaking down screaming and sobbing in my car at work. i asked my boss to let me leave early (something I'd never done before even when things got really bad) and she reacted with largely indifference. gee thanks, joy, sure i may be leaving bc I'm scared I'll hurt myself if i don't get myself to a more comfortable place asap but of course the most important thing is whether or not I'll be able to finish my work. it is a net gain for this world that you are retiring soon. but she did let me leave, and i was able to stabilize myself at the therapy session i coincidentally already had planned for that afternoon.

it may be over for the most part but god that freaked me out so bad. i thought I was getting better at handling my bad moments, but i guess i wasn't ready for one like this. and I know people at work are noticing the way my emotions have been affected, i'm jumpy and irritable and i know i'm a mess but i don't know how to make them understand that i don't want to be this way, bc i don't want to have to tell them all my issues either. i may be going on meds, hopefully only temporarily bc I'm very scared of negative side effects but it might be what I need to get past this part of my life. I'll let you know what my doctor says about it, I've asked her if we can discuss the pros and cons. what a life I've found myself in, huh

[kaunis-sielu]

Fire Dogs: 4

It turns out that you didn’t break anything just deeply bruised. Steve brings you home and you feel terrible that he’s wasted his whole night on you and your drama.

“Do you wanna stop and pick up something to eat?”

“No, I’ve got dinner planned. As long as you’re okay waiting for dinner.”

“You’re supposed to take it easy.” He reminds you gently.

“Yea, it’s just Spaghetti. Easy.”

“Come on Fawn, you heard Dr. May, you have to take it easy.”

“I’m right handed, I’ll be fine to put some noodles into hot water and heat some sauce.” You argue and he sighs heavily as he slows to a stop at a stoplight.

“Can you just humor me for one night?” He asks giving you some serious puppy dog eyes. You feel that little prickle of an Alpha command but he doesn’t, like he’d promised.

“Fine. But you don’t get to pay.”

“Woah woah. Now that’s not the deal.”

“That’s the deal.” You argue and Steve glances over at you with an affectionate glare.

“Fine. Has anyone ever told you you’re bossy for an Omega?” He sighs heavily before asking, “What do you want?”

You end up picking up burgers at a little takeout place called Stan’s and eating them at home. Dinner with Steve is fun. He’s smart and charming and you enjoy spending time with him. When you’re done with dinner you grab your Stark Pad and head up to your room. You hear Steve in the shower and you manage to struggle out of your shirt and into your pajamas. You’re supposed to take some painkillers but you’ve got to be up for Sam in a few hours so you don’t.

You’re in way more pain when you wake up at 3:30. You wrap your robe around yourself and open your door. Much to your surprise both Steve and Sam are waiting outside your door.

“You owe me twenty bucks.” Steve says uncrossing one of his arms and holding an open hand out to Sam who pulls his wallet out and slams a twenty into Steve’s hand.

“Um, what?” You ask blinking at the two.

“I bet Sam that you’d be up to make him breakfast and something for Bucky before he goes to bed. Which also means that you didn’t take any pain meds.”

“I’m fine Steve.” You tell him trying to skirt past him.

“Uh, uh, uh Honey.” He pauses you with an arm in front of you, “I know you asked me not to but I wanna know why you need to do this? I just want what’s best for you.” You know he’s talking about not Alpha commanding you, part of it is a simple answer, the other part, not so much.

“Steve, I can’t just not do anything. Okay? I can’t.” You attempt to reason with him, “You guys are out there laying down your lives to help protect my home. I need to do something!” He studies you silently for a moment, just long enough where you’re almost uncomfortable.

“Okay Omega, but the second it’s too much take a break okay? And maybe take half of one of the pills Dr. May gave you. Just to help with the swelling.” He called you Omega again, not that you can lie about it now that Grant had called you an Omega bitch right in front of him. When Steve calls you Omega it’s, nice.

“Will you cut them in half for me before you go? I don’t have much range of motion in my left arm yet.” You ask softly, you have this weird feeling he might like to help take care of you as much as you like helping care for him, Sam and Bucky.

“Yea, I’ll cut one now and do the rest before I head out. If you’re too tired to get up with me please don’t okay?” You nod then follow him down the stairs.

Sam’s breakfast, and Bucky’s dinner, is a little more difficult with your aching body but if Steve notices any of your wincing he thankfully doesn’t say anything. You take the half pill that he offers then with Cooper on your heels trudge back upstairs. It takes you longer to get comfortable this time, you’re still awake when Steve and Bucky come to bed. You hear them talking quietly, you can’t really make out what they’re saying but Steve sounds annoyed. You can feel his irritation through the door and you’re worried you’ve done something. Hopefully you didn’t get him into any trouble with the other firefighters for leaving early.

You end up falling into a half sleep as the sun rises in the sky. You still hear everything going on around you but you can’t react, it’s a terrible way to sleep. You’re pretty sure you hear Steve open the door to check on you at some point, his scent invading the room when he cracks the door open. You relax further and finally fall into a restful sleep.

You wake up around one, Cooper is still laying at your feet when you stretch but he hops down and makes his way to the door with a wagging tail. You groan softly as you sit up, then make your way slowly to the door. You let Cooper out then struggle into your robe your arm aching. You make your way down to the kitchen to feed Cooper and find your bottle of pills full of halves. It makes you smile to see that Steve had taken the time to cut them, you take two of the halves, you’re not going anywhere today so you don’t need to be especially awake.

You do some drawing for your new book, it’s almost done and you couldn’t be more excited. Your deadline is in three days and with only two pages left to draw you’re feeling pretty good about everything. You’ve even decided what your next book is gonna be about, the therapy dogs that are coming in for the firefighters. You won’t use Cooper or any of the other dogs real names but you’re going to share the story.

You must fall asleep on the couch, when you wake Sam is in the kitchen humming away as he cooks. A warm ice pack falls off of your shoulder as you sit up, you grab it then move slowly to your feet. When you wander into the kitchen Sam gives you a broad smile,

“Mornin’ sleeping beauty. How do you feel?”

“Sore. Do you want me to take over?”

“Nah, Fawn. Buck said you didn’t even move when he let Cooper out and left. He did make sure you were breathing and put the ice on your shoulder. He said he wants to check it if you’re okay with that tomorrow before he leaves.”

“It’s just a deep bruise.”

“Yes but our Alpha told us to take care of you so we will.”

“Your Alpha? But you’re all Alphas?”

“Steve is a True Alpha.” Sam explains, “I thought he’d told you.”

“No, so he’s like, the leader of your pack?”

“Exactly.”

“What exactly does that mean?”

“He’s the boss.” Sam says with a shrug, “you like gumbo?”

“Can he Alpha command anyone?”

“Yea, but he wouldn’t. Not without good reason.” You’re almost positive that Steve must’ve Alpha commanded Grant.

“But he can.”

“Yes, why?”

“I think he did.”

“Who?”

“I mean, other than me. I think he Alpha commanded one of the doctors at the ER.” When Sam glances at you over his shoulder you look down at the warm ice pack you’re still holding. “Grant Ward, he’s my ex. He wanted to mate me but I just couldn’t, and he’s been making my life hard ever since.”

“You’re not a Beta are you.” Sam says softly and you look up at him in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“Steve has been off, like he’s protecting an Omega but Bucky and I couldn’t figure it out because you smell like a Beta.”

“Please don’t say anything. If the town finds out I’m going to have every stupid Alpha at my door.”

“Not with Steve here you won’t.”

“You’re not going to be here forever. When you leave they’ll be all over me.” You tell him hurrying to his side, “Please don’t say anything!”

“I won’t, none of us will.” He promises and you give his arm an appreciative squeeze.

“Thanks Sam. And I do like Gumbo, thank you for cooking.”

“Of course Fawn. If you wanna keep working on your book I can let you know when the food is done.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yup.” So you do as he says and get back to work on your book. You’re on the last page when you hear him call for you.

“Thank you again for cooking. It smells amazing.”

“If I let Carol cook we’d both die.”

“She’s not much of a cook?”

“No, not at all.” He admits with a laugh, “I love the woman but she can’t cook.”

“Is it hard being in an Alpha-Alpha pair?”

“I don’t think so, but it’s definitely a choice we make to make it work.”

“Sorry, that was a very personal question.”

“I don’t mind, I’d imagine things are pretty traditional here.” You nod, “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“Why aren’t you mated?”

“I’ve dated but after the shit with Grant I think I’m just scared. All the Alphas around here want an Omega and they think I’m a Beta so they don’t really look my way.”

“Are you just waiting for an Alpha?”

“No, if I met the right Beta that would be fine too.”

“Which of us smells best?”

“Nope,” you tell him with a laugh, “I’m not going there.”

“I had to try.” He tells you with a grin of his own.

“All I’ll say is that none of you smell bad. All comforting.”

“Good.” Sam says with a nod and you finish the meal in comfortable conversation. You shoo him out of the kitchen when you’re both done. Insisting that he go to bed so he’s rested for his morning shift. You take another half of a pain pill then start doing the dishes. You finish your last drawing then send everything to your publisher so they can check it over. By the time that’s done it’s nearly ten and Steve should be home soon.

You get off the couch and follow Cooper to the back door. When you open it Coop doesn’t move, just stares out into the darkness.

“In or out Coop.” You tell him and he ambles out into the yard. You close the door and head back to the kitchen to grab a bowl of Gumbo to start heating for Steve. You go back to the back door and when you open it you find Cooper isn’t alone in the backyard.

“Hi Omega.”

“What.” You gasp as Brock moves closer to your house. “Cooper!”

“I think he got out.”

“What? Cooper!” You call shutting the door in Brock’s face you lock it and hurry into the living room. The front door opens and Steve comes in, Cooper trailing behind him. “Oh, oh thank god. Oh Steve thank you.”

“He was hanging out in the front. How did he get out?”

“I don’t know.” Steve tenses, “Brock is out back. He apparently knows I’m an Omega.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” He goes to go past you and upstairs when you catch his wrist with your right hand.

“No! Please make him go away. I don’t know how he found out I was an Omega but he did. I don’t want him here Steve.”

“You want him gone?”

“Please Alpha.” You whisper and Steve nods before going to the back of the house.

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[vtforpedro]

health update TW in tags

I had to find my last update to see where I left off. Oofta. Things have progressed in both a good and bad way! I’d love to say only good lol dear god I wish I could say everything is just g o o d for once. I’m currently going through an emotional upheaval because of how badly my home life is and coming to realize I’m in an abusive situation with the last person on earth I thought that could happen. I’ve lost the last safe person ‘in real life’ that I have because of this. My mom. She is my solid rock and 100% full time supporter and this situation of becoming my nearly full time caregiver and the stresses it has put on her (let alone me) have, uh. Well, brought out the worst. It’s devastating honestly. My therapist has been a little too pushy for my liking trying to get me to hire home health help but 1. money 2. insurance would need a diagnosis if we went through them and idk if ‘hey we sliced up her nerves in her back during an LP and didn’t find out until five months in’ would cut it 3. I don’t really need it anymore. But yeah emotionally I am wrecked. My mom refuses therapy or family therapy so I have to keep surviving this kind of horrific situation I’m in lol it’s been bad the entire time but I finally snapped months into it and started laying down hard boundaries and for those of you familiar with abusers, you’ve probably experienced the joy of their reactions to boundaries. :) It’s situational because my mom has never been this way with me in my life but I feel like 31 years went down the drain in *months* and the things she’s said and done can’t be completely recovered from. I don’t know what to do. Once I’m out of this situation I can tell her that the only way I will ever feel comfortable being open with her again is to do family therapy but 🤷‍♀️ can’t make her do anything, so we’ll see. Physical health wise re: the LP horror show? BETTER! I’m getting better. I started physical therapy a month ago and I think I’ve had 6 sessions? Maybe 7? Idk. Leaps and bounds. I can sit on a toilet by myself. I can sit and stand everywhere but one place by myself and it’s only because my couch is wasted lmao and I need help up for the same reason. Otherwise? All me. We’re practicing getting up by myself from my recliner (can do just fine) and getting down and comfortable with everything I need (still a work in progress) so my mom can go to her home more and work more and we both get independence!!!!! I am going to sit at my computer chair and see how long I last before it hurts but I need my body to get used to sitting up again. Otherwise, the two guys I work with (one, mostly, as the other is v quiet) is THRILLED with how well I’m doing and that even if I’m tired/in pain I get through PT every time. I’m super psyched actually. Legit PUMPED every time I step into this place. It feels fantastic. I can’t wait to see where I am in another month. Maybe out of this recliner except when I willingly want to be in it 😂 but still gonna pace myself and listen to my body. I saw my pain specialist yesterday (who ordered the PT) and I told her and she said she had literal goosebumps and she was so happy for me. It felt really good to hear ;3; Unfortunately, head pressure is getting bad but hey at least I got the LP done 🙄 need to lose weight and adjust meds and hopefully get the rest of my normal life back someday. Gonna needs lots of trauma therapy to get there too. So that’s far off. I’ve not been feeling too well lately generally tho and I’m nervous b/c I have labs for my hematologist on Monday and she wants to check for ‘other leukemias and lymphomas’ so hhhhhh. I’ll see her a couple weeks after that and I’m afraid she’s gonna order the bone marrow biopsy but u_u what can I do Anyway. Hope you’re all doing okay. Love you all and thanks for always listening and supporting me. It means the world. 💜

[outerbankspreferences]

I don’t know why you love me - Rafe Cameron

Word Count: 3080

WARNINGS: I went into a bit of detail with his drug problem. If that makes you uncomfortable it’s all italicized so you can skip that part and you shouldn’t be confused.

REQUEST:  Could you write an imagine where Rafe's long time girlfriend says that she sees herself marrying him to Sarah and Rafe overhears. He is super damaged thanks to Ward so he doesn't believe it really and starts to distance himself. A sweet ending please?

MASTERLIST

It was a Sunday afternoon in the Outer banks. Things had calmed down a lot. You were over at the Cameron household helping Sarah make decision on her engagement party. John B had finally popped the question to Sarah with your help. You helped him make sure the ring was the right size and helped narrow down spots. You were so happy for the two of them. You and Sarah had grown close over the years of dating Rafe. She was always there to support you when things got hard with his withdrawal in the beginning. She was your shoulder to cry on when you didn’t want to break in front of him. 

���Rose wants to know who were inviting. Apparently, she wants to have it at the country club.” Sarah sighed slamming her head down on the table. John B had just walked through the door. “Oh god, what did I just walk into.” He asked wondering if he should try and dip out.

 “Your fiancé is trying to narrow down the guest list. Who do you want to invite John B?” You ask him to look through the list you already started. It only had Sarah’s family and extended family. “If you don’t want to have it there Sarah you don’t have to. It’s your engagement party not hers.” You look at her.

 “I know but I don’t know where I want to have it, and we can’t wait to long.” She told you as John B came over rubbing her back trying to be comforting. “If you want to babe, we can look at some places tomorrow. Take your mind off the planning for a bit.” John B suggested trying to be helpful. Honestly, he knew nothing about planning a party and just left it up to you guys. If it were up to him, they would be partying on the beach like old times. “That’s a great idea, did you put the pool cover back on when you were done? I don’t want dad getting pissed again. I listened to him complain about it for like a week.” Sarah asked him. “I did not cover the pool, because your brother is still in there swimming and I didn’t want to drown him this time.” You all laugh. John B and Rafe’s friendship had always been rocky but has gotten better in the last couple of years. He even asked his permission to marry Sarah which you thought was adorable when Rafe told.

 Rafe was no longer swimming he got out of the pool and was putting the cover on it. He had started to collect the things from outside. You guys hung out there all the time because your apartment didn’t have a pool and the beaches were always crowded this time of year. He was walking towards the door when he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard his name.

 “I can’t wait to plan all this stuff with Rafe.” You say more to yourself but both Sarah and John B hearing you. “Did he propose to you?” Sarah almost yells out loud. “Say it louder Sarah, I don’t think they heard you across the street.” John B scolds her. “No, he hasn’t proposed. I wish he would though. After everything we’ve been through, I’m ready for the next part of our life. I just don’t want to freak him out.” You say gushing to Sarah all about the plans you wanted to have with Rafe.

 Rafe couldn’t believe this. He thought he was the luckiest man on earth when you agreed to go out with him. He was still recovering from his addiction, but you were there for him. You knew about his drug addiction, everyone on the island knew about it. You never brought it up to him though. You knew he would tell you when he was ready to let you into that part of him.

 ~FLASHBACK~

It wasn’t until Sarah called you one day saying that Rafe was in the hospital. You’d never driven faster in your life. When you got there, he was thrashing around screaming. You asked Ward what happened, and he told it that he must have gotten a bad cut of drugs. He had been clean for a while and you couldn’t understand what would cause him to relapse, as far as you knew things were going great, you guys just started talk about getting a place together.

 “I don’t understand what would cause him to relapse?” You ask looking at Ward. He shrugged his shoulders, it looked like he could careless about his son. “I don’t know, that’s what addicts to Y/N, they relapse. You should have thought about this before you started dating him. He’s not worth it. You’ve got so much going for you, don’t let him hold you back.” You couldn’t believe what he was saying. Rafe was in danger and he didn’t even care. “He wouldn’t be damaged if it weren’t for you Ward. You broke him. All he ever wanted to do was make you proud. You pushed him to this. What kind of father pushes their son over the edge like this? He needs help because of you. I will not leave him the way you did, because where I come from you don’t give on family like that.” You tell him in front of everybody in the waiting room. You knew it wasn’t your place to say these things, but you were so upset. You tried to walk away when Ward grabbed your arm, “you don’t understand what its like Y/N, on this side of island we have a reputation to uphold.” You look him dead in the eyes. “Clearly you want the wrong reputation.”

 You sat by Rafe’s bed all night holding his hand. The nurses gave him some medications to calm him down and finally took the restraints off. He looked so peaceful sleeping, you wondered what he was dreaming of. The doctor had come in to talk to you about what happened. He explained everything that had happened and that they found traces of LSD in the coke he took. It was a new mix on the island, and if it had been a while since Rafe last used his body probably wasn’t used to it.

 Rafe finally woke up looking around, taking in his surroundings. That’s when he saw you in the chair next to him. You had a blanket covering you with a book in your lap. He couldn’t remember what happened. He only remembered the fight he got in with Ward. He just lost it. Ward was telling him that he wasn’t good enough for you. That Rafe needed to get his life together. He told him that he was holding you back, and you deserved more then a low life drug addict like him. He cursed himself for changing his emergency contact to you when he broke his arm last summer. He moved his hand, and it woke you up. You eyes flutter open adjusting to the brightness of the room. You smiled at him.

 “Hey handsome, how are you feeling?” Even after everything you just watched he was still the most handsome person ever. You were quiet waiting for his answer. “I have a headache, what happened?” He asked you. He was confused and groggy from the medications they gave him. His voice was hoarse from all the screaming. “You had a bad reaction to some drugs you took. They were laced with LSD, Sarah called me, and I got here as soon as I could. It was bad Rafe, you were scream and thrashing around, but it’s okay now. The doctors took care of you they gave you some meds to help counter act the drugs in your system.” You explained to him.

 Just then the doctor comes in. “Mr. Cameron, glad to see your back in order son, how are you feeling?” He looks through Rafe’s chart. “It’s just Rafe, Mr. Cameron is my father, and I feel tired, I have a headache too.” Rafe told the doctor you got up to leave, but he grabbed your hand. “I’m not going far love; I’m just giving you guys some privacy.” You put your hand on top of his. “I know, I just want you to stay please.” He looked at you with scared eyes. You couldn’t imagine how overwhelming this was on him. You sat back down, and the doctor continued talking. “I have looked into some rehabs on the mainland Rafe. You’re still young, you can turn this around. I have a friend who runs one for men your age. I can get you in if you want.” He looked at the both of you. Rafe looked at you as if looking for confirmation. “You need help Rafe, they can give you the help you need. I’ll help you as much as you want but I’m not a professional.” You tell him your honest opinion. You would support him with whatever he chose. “If I go to rehab when do I leave?” He asked the doctor. “I can get you on the ferry in the morning. The sooner the better. You’re normally there eight weeks but you can stay longer if you need.” The doctor looked at the two of you.

 Rafe agreed to go to rehab with your support. It was the longest eight weeks of your lives. You stayed in a hotel over on the island paid for by the Cameron’s to make sure you could be there for him. It broke you to watch him go through withdrawal. He was sick all the time, but the treatment center worked, and he got clean. You guys ended up getting an apartment together afterwards and Rafe kept up with his required therapy.

 Looking back on it, Rafe couldn’t believe you stayed with him. He didn’t know if anyone else would have. So, when he overheard you talking to Sarah about getting married to him, he couldn’t believe you. All those times Ward told him he wasn’t good enough for anyone he believed him. He figured you were just staying with until you found someone better.

 Rafe was distant the whole way home. He didn’t say much in the truck, but you just figured he was tired from being outside all day. When you guys got back to the apartment, he went straight to take a shower. You knock on the door, “Babe you want me to join, I could use a shower too, I smell like chlorine and it’s giving me headache.” When you go to turn the knob its locked. “I won’t be long Y/N, you can shower after me.” He responded through the door. You heard the shower running, it was weird he said that he loved showering with you. He always said he loved the intimacy of it.

 This behavior continued on and off for weeks leading up to the engagement party. Rafe was always making excuses that he busy, he was with Topper, he had something to do with his dad, Wheezie needed to be picked up. It got to the point that you guys only talked at night and even then, things were different. He would cuddle you, but it wasn’t the same. You thought maybe it was the engagement party, he hated getting together with extended family because his father always brought up the business.

 It was finally the night of the engagement party, it was going to be a nice dinner, and photos then back to the Cameron home for an after party. You had picked Rafe’s suit up from the dry cleaners along with your dress. You were wearing a simple form fitting dress. You didn’t want to outshine Sarah on what was supposed to be her night. You were finishing the last bit of your makeup hollering out to Rafe. “Alright babe, I’m all ready to go.” You walk out of the bathroom putting your earrings in. Rafe was sitting on the couch flipping through his phone. He looked up at you and normally he would tell you how beautiful you looked but he just stood up heading to the door.

 The drive was quiet, music playing softly in the background. Rafe didn’t look over at you once. It was making you insecure, did you wear the wrong thing? Did you go overboard? Was it the wrong suit? You guys made small conversation the rest of the way. When you got to the restaurant you sat next to Wheezie, and Rafe sat next to John B. They talked all night but Rafe didn’t say anything to you. When you tried to put your hand on his thigh, he moved it off. You didn’t understand what had gotten into him.

 The pictures didn’t go any better. They did some family ones and then just some of John B and Sarah you took that as your opportunity to pull Rafe a side and mention something. “Is everything okay Rafe?” You ask as soon as you guys are way from listening ears. He gave you a confused look. “Everything’s fine.” He replied not saying anything after. “Oh really because you’ve been distant for weeks. You’ve barely said two things to me all day, did I do something?” You ask concern lacing your voice. You looked in his eye searching for any kind of emotion. “Look can we not make this about us Y/N, its Sarah and John B’s night. We can talk about it later.” He snapped at you. He walked away not saying another thing about it.

 Once you guys got to the party you went your separate ways. You were talking to Kie and Sarah laughing about something they said. You looked around for Rafe and didn’t see him anywhere. “Where’s Rafe Y/N? I haven’t seen him all night.” Kie asked looking at you. You looked around, “your guess is as good as mine. He’s been distant the last couple of weeks, I don’t know what’s wrong with him.” You explain to the girls. They both agreed it was weird for him to be acting that way.

 The DJ started playing some slower songs. Kie went off with Pope dancing and Sarah left with John B. You scanned the room looking for Rafe. You feel someone’s hand on the small of your back and it causes you to jump. You turn around and it’s just him, “sorry didn’t mean to scare you.” He laughs a little. You lean into his touch. “That’s okay, are you enjoying yourself?” You ask him. “Yeah, it’s not that bad of a party.” It was the stupid small talk again.

 That’s when the DJ started playing your guys song. “Rafe it’s our song, let’s go dance to it.” You grab his hand pulling him out to the dance floor before he could protest. You wrapped his arms around your waist, yours going around his neck. He kept distance from you though. You had finally had it.

 “For Christ sakes Rafe, what is going on with you. You’ve been avoiding me like the plague. Did I do something? I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you not attracted to me anymore, is there someone else?” You start to ramble on. Rafe couldn’t believe you thought you were the problem. “It’s not you Y/N its me.” Rafe cut you off. “Well, that’s just great Rafe. Real cliché of you.” You said to him walking away. You walk onto the porch with him following. You prepared yourself for what you were about to hear.

 “Just tell me Rafe? Is there someone else?” You ask him looking down tears forming in your eyes. “What? No, there’s no one else.” He said to you nonchalantly. “Then what is it?” You ask, ready to break. Rafe took a deep breath. “I overheard you talking to Sarah. When you told her that you were ready for the next step. You told her you wanted to marry me, and I don’t know why. For the life of me, after everything I’ve put you through, I can’t understand why you love me. I don’t know why you want to throw your life away on a count of me.”

 He wasn’t looking at you anymore. He was looking out onto the water. Watching the moon bounce of the waves trying to calm himself. You walk up behind him placing a hand on his back. “I love you Rafe, that’s why I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” You turn his head so he’s looking at you. He had had to see you meant every word you were about to say.

 “I love that you remember my coffee order, even though I change it every week. I love that you make sure my shows are recorded when I forgot them. I love that bring me coffee when I’m working. I love the look in your eye when you just wake up in the morning. I love the sound of your voice when you tired and hung over. I love spending lazy days in bed with you. I love all these things and more. I’ve grown to love your faults, and your positives Rafe Cameron. And I’m sorry if I freaked you out with what I said to Sarah, but I’ve never loved someone like I love you. I love you so much it scares me sometimes. But then I look into your beautiful blue eyes and I’m not scared anymore, because I know when I have you, I can do anything.” You told him with tears in your eyes. He was almost crying too; he took you into a bone crushing hug. You guys stayed like that for while just swaying to the music softly playing the background.

 He finally pulled away you. Looking into his eyes you could tell he had cried a little. When he spoke, it was a whisper even though you were the only two out there. “I love you too Y/N. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t want anyone else.” He kissed you with all the passion he had in him. You kissed him back with just as much emotion. “Okay, but I want to elope because I can’t plan another party.” You tell him after pulling apart. He laughed looking at you, “Deal.”

TAG:  angelreyesgirl100

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 14*

Chapter 13

Chapter 15

This chapter literally took me all day, and it's kinda super long, but since I'm only going to 15 it had to be done. Also, I wanted to get a certain part and all the bullshit detail action needs to be written before we get there so I just kept writing to get there. Lulz.

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Okay and can I just say about the Goodbye Love thing it was in my head since I had her say "I need to go away".

This was supposed to be the preview:

Mimi Please don't touch me Understand I'm scared I need to go away

Mark I know a place - a clinic

Benny A rehab?

Mimi Maybe - could you?

Benny I'll pay

And this is for chapter 15: Mimi Goodbye love Goodbye love Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye Just came to say Goodbye love Goodbye love Goodbye love Hello disease....

*DUN DUN DUNNNN*

---------------------

The next thing you knew you were waking up in another room. This one was more lavish and beautiful; the sunset was peeking through green silk curtains with a matching chaise lounge. You were now in pink silk pajamas as opposed to a hospital gown, and you weren’t hooked up to near as many wires. Just a pack attached to your arm linked to your sides.

“What the…?” You cautiously crept out of bed, examining the room.

So many questions flew through your mind at that moment. How did you get here? Where exactly were you? Who the hell changed you while you were passed out? It was too much to imagine. You walked over to the full length mirror and examined yourself. You were still semi pale, but you looked pretty damn good for just having surgery this morning.

You walked back towards your bed where your phone was laying on the nightstand. You went to check your messages when you saw the date-- it had been three days. THREE DAYS?

“What the actual fuck--?” You muttered.

Were you in a Black Mirror episode? How did you lose three whole days of your life?! You began to panic, making you pace the room. Wasn’t there a button you could do? You quickly looked around the room for anything, but all you found was a TV remote.

“Oh are you fucking--” You started to curse the world when you saw a little drawing of a nurse on one of the buttons. You frantically pushed it until a girl who looked like she was a nurse out of a porno as opposed to a hospital came running in.

“Oh my god, I thought you were like, dying or something,” She rolled her eyes and twirled her hair like she was a teenage stereotype.

“Where the hell am I? Why am I---”

“Okay you need to like, chill babe,” Nurse Betty put her hands up. “

“I’m not your babe, mmkay pumpkin? We are not friends,” You pushed her hands down. “Now why don’t you get your little chart and explain to me what’s going on in the Twilight Zone?”

“Alright, well--” She whipped out a mini tablet from her scrubs and flipped through it. “You got here three days ago with an order to keep you in a medically induced coma-- Ooooh, wow that sounds like some soap opera shit. Where your organs harvested on the black market?”

“WHAT?” You grabbed the tablet. That DID sound like some soap opera shit. “You read the tablet, all it said was the details about the coma and then FILES SEALED.

“Can you-- unlock this, please?” You shoved the tablet back in her hands.

“Um no, you need a supervisor for that babe,”

“Can you please get someone to unlock this then, BABE?” Your eye began to twitch from stress.

“Yeah, sure I’ll try,” She shrugged and walked back out of the room. You continued to pace faster now, googling “HARVESTED ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET”, when a doctor came in wearing navy blue scrubs, looking like Derek Shepherd.

“Well hey there, beautiful,” He grinned at you.

“...What is happening?” You muttered, staring at him. He was gorgeous, you’d probably be more flustered if you weren’t so freaked out and pissed off.

“What kind of soap opera hospital is this?!” You scowled.

“Hey, just because we take care of ourselves around here doesn’t mean it’s Grey’s Anatomy up here,” He made a face.

“...Could’ve fooled me, McDreamy,”

“....Just because my name is Derek doesn’t mean I’m that tool,” He frowned.

“Oh my god you’re kidding me right?” You had to laugh at the irony.

“You’re probably just grumpy because you haven’t eaten for three days,” He patted your head. “How about a nice filet mignon?”

“Wha…?” You looked around the room in disbelief. “How about you tell me where I am and how I got here?”

“You’re at Whistling Pines Hospital and Rehabilitation Center in Hartford Connecticut, Miss Y/N,”

“Connecticut?!” You gasped. “Sonny said it was just upstate New York. Jesus Christ he sent me out of state?!”

“Calm yourself,” Derek put a hand on your shoulder. “We’re basically on the state line, Mr. Carisi didn’t send you to Siberia,”

“...And why exactly was I brought here against my will?” You crossed your arms.

“Against your will?” He snorted. “Your paperwork says you requested to be out while you recovered so you wouldn’t be tempted to ask for pain meds or anything. Part of the detox, you understand,”

“Detox?” Your face scrunched. “Seriously? So...so now what, you escort me down to the padded room now that I’m healed?”

“No, no of course not,” He shook his head. “Our rehab rooms are much nicer than this. And yours is all ready for you,”

“....Yeah, alright,” You shrugged, looking around the room.

“Wonderful,” He gave you another 100 watt smile before opening the door and motioning you to follow him. You walked for a while through what seemed like a normal hospital wing, then you came to two large doors that said “REHABILITATION WING”.

Derek opened it and let you go through first, into a beautiful lobby. The walls were made of marble, there was a koi pond with a waterfall in the middle of it, sparkling water stations next to big leather chairs. It was like a spa.

“Wow...” You whispered as you admired it while you walked.

“Yes, I know,” He chuckled. “It’s quite impressive, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” You began to feel guilty; how much was this costing Sonny? This place looked like it cost the down payment on a house to stay in. You followed Derek down a hallway that looked like a hotel room hallway more than a rehab center, until he stopped at a door labelled 312.

“Ah here we are,” He opened the door and let you go inside first once again. It was an even more lavish room than you woke up in. A nice king bed with fluffy pillows and silk comforters were covered with extra blankets if you needed them. There was a huge sofa in front of a large screen TV, and a little kitchenette with a small fridge, cabinets, a dishwasher, and a microwave.

“....Wow,” You continued to stare in awe at the luxurious amenities this place had.

“Indeed,” Derek smiled. “Now, the TV comes loaded with digital cable and all the streaming services. Our WIFI password is LIVELAUGHLOVE, the fridge is stocked with organic, healthy foods only, but if you’d like to request something you can give our front desk a ring,”

You just nodded as you checked out the room.

“Now,” He cleared his throat. “For the icky part,”

“...The icky part?” You sputtered with a sarcastic smile. “Where did you go to medical school, Sesame Street?”

“Ha ha,” He rolled his eyes. “You will need to stay in your room at all times unless it’s social time, or group time. We do have several common areas such as a pool and a gym, but you’ll need to schedule times to use them, you can’t just walk around on your own,”

“Ah,” You nodded. “So it is a prison, just a very nice prison,”

“It’s not a prison, Miss Y/N,” He shook his head. “Not for you, anyway,”

“Really? Because it sounds like--”

“Your cousin did pay for your residency here, but you’re not under a court order or anything so you’re not confined here. Most of our residents have to be here several months before they’re even allowed out of their rooms at all, you should consider yourself lucky,”

“...Right,” You rolled your eyes. “Where is my cousin, anyway?” You asked. “Is he back at the hospital in New York?”

“Excuse me?” He looked at you in confusion. “I’m not sure I understand,”

“Oh I guess it’s been a few days,” You thought out loud. “He must have gone home by now,”

“...Well I’d sure hope so,” He chuckled.

“So..” You took a seat on the couch. “What am I doing now, warden?”

“Well like I said, I can have food sent up to you if you’re hungry,” He explained as he handed you your own tablet. “We have these for you so you can browse our menu for food and amenities,”

“Mmmkay…”

“Tomorrow’s social time is at 10 am, and your group therapy is at noon,”

“..Uh huh,” You nodded as you absent mindedly flipped through the menu.

“It’s mandatory,” He added.

“...Right,”

“Wonderful,” He beamed. “Now your bathroom is there, obviously,” He nodded to a door on the other side of the room. “It has a shower with three different pressures, and a spa bathtub. I recommend you take a long hot bath and relax, the first night is usually the hardest to get used to.

“Right…”

“Alright well I’ll leave you to it,” He nodded at you with another dreamy smile.

He walked out and left you to your own devices. You walked over to the drawers and pulled them out. They were full of your clothes, how did they get these so fast? It was so bizarre all of this happened while you were out, it really did seem like some kind of episode out of Dynasty or something.

You decided to call Sonny and get some things sorted out. You picked up your phone and dialed his number and let it ring.

“Oh hey...you, how you feelin’?”

“I’m good,” You went and sat on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Me? I’m good,”

“Really? Not sore or anything?”

“What? OH-- Yeah, y’know, of course, obviously,”

“...Thanks so much for this, Sonny. It’s gorgeous here,”

“Anytime….sweetie,”

“Is um, is Rafael doing better? Do you know?”

“Uh he’s...he’s fine, I’m sure,”

“...Well that’s good,”

“I’ll be up there next week to see you, you hang in there okay?”

“...Yeah, alright,”

“Night darlin’, you sleep well. I love you,”

“Love you too,”

Sonny hung up the phone and glanced over at Rafael who was busy writing his closing arguments for their case tomorrow.

“....Who was that?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Niece,” He lied.

“Mmm,”

“...How are you feelin’, by the way Barba?”

“Carisi, we’re not discussing anything personal, ever again. I told you that,” He grumbled, not looking up from his desk. He winced in pain every so often when he pulled on his stitches while writing.

“...Right,” He nodded sadly. He did feel guilty about all of this, but he knew in a few weeks it wouldn’t matter. You’d both forget about each other and move on, it was for the best.

--------

The next day you woke up and felt this overwhelming sense of dread. It was like everything had finally caught up to you, all the memory of how you got here came back to you. You missed Rafael almost immediately, Sonny’s words about how you had traumatized him rang in your head.

You wanted so desperately to call him and apologize, tell him how you would have never hurt him on purpose, and that all you wanted to do was make it up to him-- but you knew you had no way of doing that, and there was nothing you could do about it.

Your tablet began to go off, alarms for SOCIAL TIME were set on it. You tried to turn it off, but apparently a counselor had to do it when you arrived. Sneaky bastards. You sighed and pulled on some PJ pants, trying to ignore the blaring sound. You stomped out of your room and down the hall, down some stairs to a huge room labelled “REC ROOM.”

“Welcome Y/N!” A bright and cheery nurse came over and greeted you. “We have lots of activities for you here,” She began to show you around. “We have arts and crafts, several board games, and the Cards Against Humanity rounds get quite rowdy!”

“...Right,” You nodded softly, feeling more and more hopeless as you saw all the other “residents” mingling-- and by mingling, meaning most of them were walking around like soulless zombies. Was this your life now?

----

One Week Later

“Hey…” You saw Rafael laying down in front of you, reaching out for your hand. You took it, not believing this was real.

“I love you, Y/N…” He smiled at you, his green eyes sparkling.

“I love you too Rafael..”

You shot up in bed, it happened again. You had been having the same dream ever since you had gotten to Whistling Pines. It felt so real, especially when you touched his hand. And you always woke up alone, stuck in your prison. Never to see Rafael ever again; It was torture. No matter how fancy the prison was, it was still a prison. You looked at the clock on your bedside table- 3:30 am. You wondered what Rafael was doing at that moment-- well, probably sleeping, duh. Or maybe he was up late, working on law stuff.

You wondered if he was thinking about you, if he ever thought about you. He didn’t seem angry the last time you saw him, in fact you were pretty sure you remembered him holding you and crying. Well, like Sonny said he was probably just upset having to see someone like that again. But-- something inside told you that you didn’t leave on bad terms. Maybe you had been too quick to just delete and block his number. But it was too late to do anything about that now. You laid back down and cried yourself back to sleep for the fifth time that night.

=============

Two weeks later

Sonny drove up to Hartford early Friday morning, hoping to get back to the city that night. He signed in at the front desk, muttering obscenities under his breath. He paced the lobby waiting for you, trying to keep his calm. Finally you emerged from the big double doors: You were dressed in a t-shirt that used to be tight, but now it draped on your shoulders. Your hip hugger jeans were more like men’s jeans, hanging off your pelvis. Your hair was pulled into a messy ponytail and you had no makeup on. You walked over to Sonny who crossed his arms at the sight of you.

“Hey, Sunshine…” He pulled you into a tight hug, your face barely moved into a small smile.

“Can we talk?” He asked as he led you to one of the leather couches.

“Sure,” You nodded like a robot as you sat next to him.

“So Sunshine,” He sighed. “They tell me you haven’t uh, been doin’ so hot,”

“Oh, have they?” You mumbled, playing with a hole in your jeans.

“Yeah they said you’re not eating, you skip the group, you won’t talk to anybody,” He put a hand on your knee. “Is everything okay? Is it your new liver? The diabetes kicking yer ass?”

“...No, I’m fine,” You shrugged feebly.

“....Seriously?” He removed his hand, his soft tone gone. “So, nothing’s wrong with you physically? You’re just being a brat?”

“Excuse me?” You suddenly blinked in surprise.

“Here I came up here because I was worried somethin’ was really wrong with you, like you were rejecting the donation or-- or the trauma was too much, but you’re tellin’ me you just won’t cooperate?” He snapped at you.

“...What do you want me to say, Sonny? Sorry?” You snarked back.

“I want you to tell me why!” He tried not to yell but this was ridiculous. “Do you know how expensive this place is?!”

“Oh wow,” You scoffed. “Well I’m sorry my recovery is so expensive for you, Son,”

“It’s not even recovery, Y/N! You’re-- You’re just laying around here like a fuckin’ angsty teen!” He barked. “Why aren’t you trying? Don’t you wanna get outta here and get back to your life?”

“Maybe I don’t!” You yelled and stood up. “Maybe I don’t care about getting out of here, or not. There’s no point anymore,”

“What?” Sonny furrowed his brows. “Why not?”

“...Because,” You looked down at the floor.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Sonny threw up his hands, finally standing up himself. “Is this about Barba, really Y/N? You knew him for a few fuckin’ days, gimme a fuckin BREAK,”

“He was wonderful to me, Sonny! He was wonderful and loving and caring and YOU made me go off on him, and then I--” You paused, tears caught in your throat. “I fucking traumatized him. I hurt him so badly he didn’t even want to see me when i was dying,”

“I mean-- how bad of a person am I?!” You tried not to break down in the lobby. “I shouldn’t be allowed to be around anyone anymore, I just destroy things. Hurt people. I shouldn’t be around anyone,”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Sonny sighed. “You need to stop, alright? If you actually tried to get better, you wouldn’t--”

“I don’t want to get better!!!!” You flat out stomped your foot, not caring about making a scene now.

“Y/N, tough love time. You need to get your shit together and forget about Barba, alright? I can’t keep paying for you to stay here--” He put both hands on your shoulders.

“So let me out,” You glared at him.

“....And if I let you out, are you going to stay sober?” He gave you a suspicious look.

“Nope,” You said with a smirk.

“Y/N come the fuck on,” He threw up his hands.

“What?” You crossed your arms. “I’m being honest. So either you keep wasting your money here, or let me go,”

“And what, let you kill yourself?” He asked angrily.

“...Maybe,” You muttered.

“Sunshine, come here--” Sonny went to wrap you in a hug, his t-shirt caught up on yours causing it to pull up on his torso. Your eyes went wide when you caught sight of it, letting go of him.

“....Where’s your scar?” You blinked in disbelief, trying to wrap your head around what you were seeing.

“What?” He began to panic.

“Your scar,” You pulled your t-shirt to reveal your own scar from the transplant. “You should have one,”

“Oh, Um--” Sonny began to rack his brain for an explanation, but your brain was moving faster.

“.....You didn’t give me part of your liver, did you?” You pulled away from him.

“Uh well--” He sighed “Not exactly, no,”

“Then who did?” You eyed him accusingly.

“They got you an anonymous--”

“Oh don’t even give me that shit, Sonny,” You stopped him. “This-- this whole thing, when I got here. It felt so much like, like a set up. A soap opera plot,”

“A soap opera?” Sonny laughed. “Come on Sunshine, don’t--”

“Why did you ship me here so fast, Sonny?” You asked, your brain now on a roll.

“What?” He half laughed. “So that you could get started early--”

“No,” You stopped him. “You could have just let me come here on my own, CONSCIOUS,”

“Well I just wanted you to skip the DT’s--” He tried to think of a defense.

“DT’s don’t happen to you if you get drunk ONCE, Sonny!” You raised your voice.

“Well how was I supposed to--” He looked around nervously.

“Who really gave me their liver, Sonny?” You narrowed your eyes.

“I told you, I don’t--” He began to lie again.

“I’ll look it up,” You threatened, making his eyes go wide.

“Y-You can’t do that,” He protested.

“Why wouldn’t you want me to?” You challenged him.

“...Because--”

“Rafael did, didn’t he?” You weren’t letting him think of any more lies.

“Look Y/N, he just wanted to help you out so that you wouldn’t die, like his dad. He couldn’t save him so he saved you. Doesn’t that sound like him?”

You had to admit, it really did. But why lie about it?

“So why didn’t you tell me that, Sonny? Why tell me you did it? Why didn’t you just tell me he did it to be nice, and not that he hated me?”

“I never said he hated you--”

“If you lied to me about that, what else have you been lying to me about?” You put your hands on your hips.

“What?”

“Oh my god…” You started to remember your recurring dream. “It was real, it was real. I know it was real!”

“...What was real?” His eyebrows furrowed.

“I keep having this dream where Rafael is across from me lying on a table, and he tells me that he loves me. And I know that happened I know it did,” You explained.

You were absolutely sure of it now. So many thoughts were running through your mind, you hated that you didn’t remember any of this before.

“What?” Sonny laughed again. “Sunshine it’s just a dream, don’t you think you would remember something like that?”

“They...they gave me something before I went into the OR,” You looked off into nowhere as you tried desperately to recall that morning. “The nurse called it…’giggle juice’,”

“Giggle juice?” Sonny rolled his eyes.

“Did you make them give me that too?!” You went for his collar, but a nurse came out of nowhere to hold you back.

“Wha who whoa, Sunshine calm down,” Sonny waved the nurse off of you. “I got her, thanks ma’am,”

“I didn’t tell them to give you anything,” He said softly.

“Yeah, just to keep me out for three days so I wouldn’t ever see Rafael before you sent me here,” You accused him.

“...Not true…” He shook his head.

“Why wouldn’t you want me to talk to him, Sonny?” Tears choked your throat.

“He didn’t want to talk to you--”

“Bullshit!” You stomped your foot, eyeing the nurse who had her eye on you in case you lost it on Sonny again.

“Bullshit, were you scared he was going to tell me what you were really doing? That you were trying to keep us apart?” Tears began dripping from your cheeks. You couldn’t believe this was happening, you couldn’t believe you could have been with Rafael this entire time.

“No!” He protested, his eyes darting back and forth. “No, I--”

“I don’t believe you!” You pushed him, the nurse stepped forward but you put your hands up in defeat. “You’re keeping him from me right now, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“That’s why you sent me so far, he has no idea where I am, and he wants to know doesn’t he? He wasn’t traumatized by my ‘incident’, he’s traumatized he lost me!” You hated that you cried when you got angry, it made you so much less intimidating.

“Traumatized is a strong word, Y/N…” Sonny rolled his eyes.

“Y’know what Sonny,” You shook your head while you wiped your eyes. “I’ll make you a deal. You bring Rafael here, and I’ll try to get better,”

“...I can’t,” He looked at the floor.

“Wha--Are you serious?” You half laughed sarcastically. “You’d rather me rot in here than--”

“I don’t know where he is, Y/N,” He looked up at you seriously.

“...What?” You asked, not wanting to know the answer.

“He…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “He left,”

“What do you mean ‘he left’?” You air quoted left.

“He went on some campaign trail, Hilary I think. He took off across the country, I literally have no idea where he is right now,” He explained.

“Why would he do that?” You asked.

“I don’t know, he said he had to get out of the city--” He shrugged.

“And you couldn’t imagine why?” You gave him a knowing look.

“Oh puh-lease Y/N, he’s not a drama queen like you--” He stopped, thinking about it. “Okay well he might be a drama queen but--”

“You can call him,” You pointed to his pocket.

“I can’t,” He looked down at the ground once again.

“WHY NOT?!” You were getting fed up with him.

“He was….he was super pissed at me for keeping you apart, alright? You’re right. He...he changed his number when he took off, he wants nothing to do with me,”

“So he’s just...gone?” Your voice cracked.

“Sunshine, I promise you. In a few weeks you won’t care about him, and you’re gonna wanna get out of here,”

“Why, you're gonna start adding memory pills to my regiment too?” You scoffed with angry tears in your voice.

“Jesus,” He rolled his eyes. “No, because you’re 22 and you can fall in and out of love like that,” He snapped his fingers.

“No I won’t,” You shook your head. “You’re gonna have to let me out of here or I’ll die in here,”

“God you’re such a--” Sonny sighed in frustration. “I can get them to get you to eat, y’know that right?”

“Do it!” You dared him. “Start treating me like some kind of mental patient, control my life like you think you need to,”

“...I can’t deal with this,” He waved his hands and started to walk away. “I’ll be back in a few weeks, I’m sure you’ll be over this by then,”

“Don’t count on it,” You stomped back into the ward.

-----------------

A week later

You let the night nurse into your room, she brought your meds and a nightly snack.

“Well, are you excited for tomorrow?” She asked, making conversation.

“...What’s tomorrow?” You asked as your downed your pills.

“Your last day!” She smiled.

“...What?” You quirked an eyebrow.

“Well, honey you’re not here on a court order or probation, and your cousin only paid for 30 days. So, you’re leaving tomorrow!”

“You’re just...you’re just letting me go??” You asked in disbelief.

“You’re not happy about that? I’m sure we could talk to your--” She started.

“No!” You stopped her. “No, No I’m totally excited, ready to get back to real life,”

“Good!” She smiled and patted your head. “Make sure you’re all packed, we’ve already filled this room once you leave,”

“...Of course you have,” You rolled your eyes.

She left and you began to frantically pack, ready to get out of here as fast as possible. You would find Rafael on your own, you knew you could.

----------

Sonny’s phone went off while he was out on a call, he saw it was Whistling Pines so he excused himself from the scene and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Yes, Mir. Carisi? This is Sylvia at Whistling Pines, we were just checking on Miss Y/N,”

“....Why would you be checking on her? Don’t you have her?”

“...No sir, she checked out a few days ago,”

“WHAT?!”

“Well it had been 30 days and you had only paid for a month--”

“So you just let her leave?! Why would you do that?!”

“Well sir, for one she’s a grown woman who’s a law abiding citizen, she wasn’t committed here by any kind of law enforcement. And like I said you only paid--”

“For a month,” He growled. “That’s all that matters to you people, isn’t it?”

“Well sir, this is a very expensive--”

“Where did she go?”

“What do you mean where did she go? She left with you,”

“Uh she sure as hell did NOT,”

“...Well she got in a car with a man…”

“Oh my god,” Sonny almost dropped the phone. “I swear to God if something happens to her because of you people I will sue you SO fast--”

“Okay no need to get hysterical,” She began to panic. “Why don’t you just come here and we’ll figure it out…”

“No I think you’ve done enough,” He growled before hanging up on her.

Where the hell had you gone? And with who?!

[misskittysmagicportal]

can i request something to do with the thing about vincent having tics while giving oral or just vincent giving oral general i love the way you write things

I Think We're Alone Now

(Vincent Rhodes x Fem!Reader)

Warnings: language, talk of mental health, fem!receiving oral

A/N: With the pandemic keeping you and Vincent apart, he was glad that being alone didn't mean being lonely.

Vincent Rhodes didn't tic as bad or as much in his thirties. He wasn't cured. He didn't take medicine that made them magically go away. He took meds for his anxiety, and the “cure” was still going to therapy with Dr Rose. He didn't go daily or weekly or even monthly anymore. He managed every other month. Sometimes, perhaps, every three to four months. Yet it took twenty-five to finally accept a cliche: Tourette's wasn't Vincent, Vincent simply HAD Tourette's.

Don't worry though, cunt is still his favorite word.

Vincent also did all the things he told Marie he wanted to do. He finished school and went to college online. He found himself rather good at computers and a job that required the bare minimum of human interaction. His Tourette's was under control, but his social anxiety never seemed to be. We digress!

He had a job, and a place to call home that wasn't a treatment facility or a hoarder’s house bogged down by sadness and alcoholism. Vincent didn't find it shameful that his father bought him a condo. He and his roommate had an agreement to pay utilities and work on the re-election campaign.

Vincent finally had a dog. A dog he had to fight for because his roommate had.. Rituals. Rituals that also weren't as bad as they used to be thanks to the same therapy and right medication. Just like you can't get rid of Tourette's, Vincent couldn't get rid of Alex either. That was his first, and really only, friend. As tumultuous as they started out, if you survive a road trip with two neurodivergents, you're pretty much bonded for life. Alex was sometimes more work than their dog.

Vincent and Alex did things in their late twenties and early thirties they never thought they'd do. They went out. They dated around. They had awkward sex and one night stands that the two of them could finally laugh about. Vincent could hide, or save his tics from popping up during his dates. He could even manage to hold them off when he had sex. He was relaxed and focused on the woman beneath or above him.

But then he would spasm, or twist and pop his mouth. He would unintentionally squeal or swear, call her names or flip her off. Instead of understanding Vincent, or talking to him, whoever the girl of the moment was would leave and never come back. Fuck her, Vincent would think. I can't help that I have Tourette’s; she can help being an asshole.

-----

There could not have been a worse time in anyone’s life for you to meet quite possibly the single hottest guy in your neighborhood. At least, you thought he was in your neighborhood. You kept running into each other at various stores to the point you found yourself quoting an old movie from college.

“Are you stalking me?” You boldly questioned him one afternoon as he pondered Mcintosh versus Fiji apples. “Because that would be super.”

The man jumped. Then to your shock, he spasmed almost violently. His neck twisted to the left as his hand held on to his chin and yelled out, “Brown haired cunt! Grass licking big tits.”

You laughed. It wasn't malicious or in jest. You were nervous and stunned. Still you replied, “Normally a guy has to date me for a while before he calls me a cunt. Now as for grass licking? That was only once, but I was high and we were playing truth or dare.”

He stared at you, mouth agape. A violent spasm rocked his body again like an aftershock. It caused him to excessively blow a dark curl back from his forehead several times before his body relaxed and he appeared to sink in on himself. Embarrassed. A pink hue spread along his cheeks and angled jaw as he gazed at the apples again with large green eyes.

“You ok? I wouldn't say I've got big tits. They're more like medium sized. Unless you were talking about the melons.” You held up two cantaloupe in front of your chest. “I’m y/n”

Again with the mouth open staring. Then he came to, “Vincent. I've never had someone react to Arthur that way.”

“I'm from New York. That was a Saturday night in the village. Who’s Arthur?” You looked around. “Are you being held hostage? Scream cunt for yes. Vagina for no.”

Vincent laughed. It was almost a giggle that you weren't sure was a laugh or his thing. “Arthur is my Tourette's. He's the clown who shits in between my thoughts. My tics. You scared the piss out of him.”

“You named your Tourette's? You can't do that, they never go away once you name them.”

Vincent rolled his eyes, “ DAMMIT! I'll take away his bowl of food and dog bed too. Maybe I'll finally be cured!”

You didn't want him to think you felt something was wrong with him. “Mostly with all of this, I meant I keep seeing you around. Thought I'd say hi.”

“How about we exchange phone numbers, and you can say hello more often?” Vincent cocked an eyebrow.

“Bold of you to assume calling me a cunt is flirting! But you got it out of the way now instead of down the line. Give me your phone.”

He obliged and you put your number in. As you handed it back you joked, “Should've told me you had a much sexier friend.” You indicated Alex on the phone’s wallpaper.

“He's gay.”

“Damn! Lucky for men. Anyways, I work most days. Don't know how long with everything happening out there. Call me sometime?”

Vincent twitched and wolf whistled. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, but promised he would nonetheless. But then pandemic happened, so all you had for the next six months was your phone

-----

You met Alex and learned his rituals and empathized with his panic to follow or abide by heath guidance. His OCD aggravated by everything going on. Vincent couldn't even go for a run without his friend completely freaking out, so he just didn't. Their balcony was it for fresh air.

You took tours of each other's apartments. Had dinners and breakfasts together. Shared what books you were reading and watched movies together. Vincent teased you about your fat, lazy cat and you did likewise over his ten pound shih tzu. Although, you admitted, it was because she got to share a bed with him.

Somehow in month 5 you were roped into a three way phone call with his dad. Senator Rhodes and Vincent seemed to have an easy relationship, but you were filled in later that it was anything but for a very long time. So you turned the tables one night, and introduced him to your entire family.

Forgetting about his Tourette's, because you had really grown used to it all. To the tics, the whistles and excessive use of the word cunt (Pandemic drinking game, Vincent’s idea) that his biggest episode since you met stunned not only you but your clan. Vincent had buried his face, you were terrified of your mistake. But you got it from somewhere.

“Sure you ain't from Brooklyn, kid?!” Thank Christ for meathead brothers.

“This is dating right?” Vincent asked after their dinner. “Pandemic, COVID, for now dating. Even though,” he paused to twist his neck, “One of my coworkers has uh, dick appointments all the time?” He snapped a finger several times and shouted something about a whore and syphilis.

“Hey! Tell Arthur to fuck off. Sexual liberation. She's not a whore, she's in her twenties!” Vincent laughed. “Are you nervous about something? Usually the bedtime part of our phone calls are the least tic-ish.”

“Wanna have sex?” He was straightforward.

“Right now? Facetime sex?” You scrunch your nose but more to be cute than creeped out.

“Here. Alex is asleep. Come over? We've been isolated for months.”

“God, I love you.”

“What?” Vincent laughed. “Are you sure about that?”

“I'll be there in twenty minutes.”

-----

Vincent opened the door and implored you to take your shoes off at the door. You expected nothing less as you complied and followed him in the stillness of the apartment to his bedroom.

The moment the door was shut, Vincent was on you before you could even adjust to the dark. Only street lamps from the neighborhood below showed through as his mouth consumed yours.

Your tongues at war with each other as the two of you scrambled to undress. Your lips broke apart long enough to throw shirts over heads and step out of flannel pants or yoga pants. Then they crashed together again as Vincent let his hands splay out the length of your back and shoulders.

Your one hand ensnared by his messy hair. The other under the waistband of his boxers and over his ass. You drew his body to yours to melt into. His erection strained and throbbed against your hip as you hungrily pushed your tongue as far inside him as you could.

The both of you eager like teenagers shot with adrenaline. Anxious and hoping Alex caught you as Vincent twitched and his shoulders shrugged up to his ears. His fingers fumbled with your bra made worse by his tics. Tics that frustrated only him; you reached and undid it for him. Your breasts were free for him to look at.

Vincent attempted to choke back his words but failed. “Tit fucker,” a sour look on his face as his eye involuntarily clamped shut, “huge nipples.” He swallowed his lips, mortified.

“Hey!! They make up for yours being the tiniest nipples I have EVER seen on a dude.” You took Vincent’s hand. “We can slow down if you want. I don't know what's up, do you tic like this every time you have sex?”

The two of you laid side by side on his bed, hands traced over inches of bare skin. Vincent was silent for a while as he let his fingers trail over you, his lips not far behind.

“I don't. I'm usually too focused. The last time I loved someone, it fell apart immediately. It's making me anxious.”

You held his head to your body with a tenderness. “I loved you first, didn't I?”

His mouth made its way amongst your breasts as he gently laid you on your back. His lips warm on your stomach and hips that he exposed by tugging your panties down over your knees and off. Vincent laid down between them and almost nuzzled his nose in your soft pubic hair before his tongue dove inside of you.

Your hips rocketed up into his mouth as you grabbed the back of Vincent's head. He licked and sucked on your sex. Small tics caused him to push his tongue and lips in further than before. They closed in on your clit. His tongue attacked it with a lapping motion that you could only bend to, helpless.

Vincent was insatiable, his mouth in a frenzy. Your fingers caught up in the sheets as the sensation of his mouth on your clit spread along your body. Now your words were a shock as they came screaming out into the quiet of the bedroom.

“Tongue fuck me! Faster!”

Instead Vincent looked up at you with a grin, “I see Arthur came to visit.”

Tag: @robertsheehanownsmyass @slutforrobbiebro @super-unpredictable98 @magic-multicolored-miracle @sean-falco @elliethesuperfruitlover @bisexualnathanyoung @bwritesstuff @firstpersonnarrator @rob-private

[itspdameronthings]

My Boo Boo

Summary: title says it all. Benny has an injury. Was going to post this last night. Sadly, it didn't happen. Hope you all enjoy this. Really need thus kind of story today.

" Can't believe I was so fucking stupid! Should have been looking where I was going!" Benny banged his knee. At first he thought it was not that bad. Until it was bruised and started to swell. Glad that his brother was around so he could take him to the ER. Will was about to text you,but Benny didn't want him to. You were out of town. Don't want to ruin your trip to see your sister. Lucky for Benny that his sister in law was on duty that night. All because she would take good care of him in your wife's absence. She checked on his injury. It is very serious. He might have surgery. Benny pulls the pillow over his face so he could scream. Your sister in law tried to convince you to call you. This is something he needs to tell you himself rather than his brother. Will gave him his phone. Taking a breath. No holding back now. Taking a deep breath. Call you,but it went to voicemail. Few minutes later you call him. In a panic. Told you that he would need some surgery. Right before hanging up with you. Tells you that he loves you very much.

You were on your laptop. Trying to get a flight back home. Hated that the trip was cut short. Your handsome husband needs you.he was always there for you. Now it's time to be there for him. Luckily there was a flight that leaves in 3 hours! Quickly you booked the next flight. Called William about your flight. Told you that Santi would pick you up. Since he too is on the way back home from a business trip.

When you and Santi finally arrive. Benny was already out of surgery. Still asleep. Your sister in law told you that his knee had some swelling. Which they succeed in reducing the swelling. After hearing the news. You let out a sigh of relief. Thank god it was not serious. As a nurse yourself. This is a long recovery for him. His fighting days are nonexistent for the time being. Santi and the others left the room so the two of you can be alone.

Few days later. Two of you are finally home. Benny resting on the couch. His family comes over to welcome him home. Santi teased him about being in the same club as him. Benny rolls his eyes. Was nice to see everyone. Means a lot.

After the company left. Helped him to get into bed. Gave him his meds,and an ice pack for his knee. Checked his incisions. They were fine. Even kissed it.Benny giggles," aw! Thank you my love. Kissing my boo boo. Hope it doesn't leave a scar. Have way too many scars on this fine body." You snuggle close to him. How you missed laying in bed with your man. Those nights sleeping in the chair took its toll on your body. He rubs your back," glad I'm finally home with my love. Still kicking myself for not looking where I was going. If I left that night light on in the hall. The accident would have never happened." Kiss his chest," it happens baby. When you go to sleep. I'll put the nightlight on. I don't want to hurt myself." Benny nods off. Not before he tells you that he loves you.

Weeks have gone by since his injury. Benny's doctor has not cleared him to return to the ring yet. Still has physical therapy sessions three times a week. How he missed going to the gym. One thing he loves is spending time with you. When you got home from your long shift. Lights to the living room were dim.benny on the air mattress. With a blanket and pillows. How romantic. Benny pulls out all the stops. You kiss him," you sure about laying on the floor? Worried that you might hurt yourself." Benny kisses your lips," I know my limits darlin. If my knee starts to hurt. I'll let you know. Get out of those smelly scrubs. I'm hungry for your body. Know you are hungry for mine." Two of you made love. Nice and slow. Benny takes you to the shower so the two of you can get cleaned up. Both of you held each other till you returned to the living room. Keeping each other warm. Benny sings a sweet tune. Caused you to fall asleep in your man's arms. Benny kisses your cheek," sleep well my heart. " no matter what obstacles he faced the last few months. He is s

[dolls-self-ships]

It’s Going To Be Okay

(a purely comfort/fluff fic where Hades comforts a distraught Kassandra in the middle of the night because ya girl started feeling sad again)

ship: pomegranate seeds (hades/kassandra)

cw: crying, super subtly and lightly implied ‘not wanting to live like this’, implied mentions of intrusive thoughts (nothing specific)

“Hey, hey, sweetheart, look at me, look at me.”

Warm, boney hands gently cupped the princess’s tear-stained cheeks as she wept. It was late, actually, it was in the dead of night,(no pun intended) maybe 1, 2 am. All was silent except for the heaving, choppy breaths and sobs coming from the princess as she sat knees bent on her shared bed with her fiancé, the lord of the underworld, Hades. Not really the kind of guy you’d go to in a time of crisis, because you’d figure he’d just want to make it worse. But not with this, no, this was different. The room was pitch black, no other light except for the flames on the God’s head and his yellow, slightly glow-in-the-dark eyes, which both illuminated his lovers distraught face.

“You’re okay, hey, they’re just thoughts, they can’t hurt‘cha.”

Kassandra let herself fall into his chest as a loud cry escaped her, it was all she felt like she could do. Immediately on instinct, Hades enclosed her tightly in his arms, comfortingly petting her soft hair as he shushed her.

“why…” the woman whispered in between tears. “why won’t they go awayyyy?” she wailed, feeling like such a horrible person, in so much pain she wanted to scream.

Hades felt a pang in his cold, dead heart, like someone had reached in and started grinding it into a powder. He hated, hated seeing her like this. It was worse than Tartarus, and he’s seen the stuff that goes on in there, he runs the place. “I… wish I could tell ya, babe, but.. I dunno..” he sighed, looking down at her heaving shoulders and shaking body covered by her pink nightgown. Hades began to rub her back in a soothing circular motion, hoping that might help her calm down a bit.

“I don’t want to be this person.. I don’t want to be dangerous..” The princess sniffled.

Hades looked shocked for a second, he shook his head. “Hey, you are the least dangerous person I know, trust me.”

She didn’t deserve this, and Hades knew that, she was the most… friendly, bright and kind person in the cosmos. But the princess felt otherwise, she thought because she occasionally had a nasty thought or two, she was suddenly worse than, well, him.

“wh..” the princess took a gulp of air, hoping to find some more strength to speak. “why is this happening to me..”

“I…” in truth, Hades didn’t have an answer for that. Which bothered him to no end, what’s the point of being a god if you can’t be omniscient? “I couldn’t tell ya that either, sweetheart.”

There was a bit of a long silence, and some muted sniffles and sobs from the princess. For a few minutes it was nothing but the dark, and the warming embrace of the soon-to-be-married couple until the princess spoke up in a whisper.

“.. I don’t know if I can live like this..”

Hades’s eyes widened as a surge of panic shot through him, which didn’t happen often. But this set something off for him, there was no way she was suggesting… that. Mhm, no not on his godforsaken watch. Quickly, but trying to still be gentle, he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back to face him so that their eyes could meet. “Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, yes, you can, okay? Look,” Hades, deciding to put on his ‘smooth-talk’ a bit to try and make her feel some levity, gave her a small, cheesy smile. “we gotta plaaan, ‘member? After our wedding we have that thing with the physiatrist and we’ll get’cha diagnosed get you to therapy maybe I dunno some meds and badabing you’re all cured boom done!”

The princess let out a stifled giggle, which Hades internally celebrated. “Well, that’s not exactly how it works, hon.” Kassandra reminded him it wasn’t as ‘quick and easy’ as he was selling it to be, chariot-salesman indeed. A flood of new worries overcame the princess as her face slowly started to drop again, her lips becoming downturned and her eyebrows slanting upwards. “And what if-?”

Hades knew exactly what she was going to say, he lightly pressed a finger to her lips with an affectionate “shhhh”. “We’ll worry about that, if, and or when it happens, babe.”

Kassandra sighed, leaning into Hades’s hand as it moved to cradle the side of her face. Another tear slipped out from her eye, which his thumb caught halfway down. “I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. You’re with me~”

Another small chuckle escaped Kassandra, a smile threatening to put her in a slightly better mood. Well, with Hades in the room it was hard for her not to be. And the same went for him with her.

“Can we just.. stay up for a bit?” Kassandra proposed, really not wanting to have to fall back asleep and be alone in her head with all those thoughts and worries, despite her fiancé being right next to her.

Hades waved a hand, a cool smile plastered on his face. “Yeahhh suuuure of course whatever you want! I’ll get Pain and Panic to turn on the tv for us okay? How’s that sound, good?”

Kass nodded, her smile growing a bit. “That sounds good.” She looked away for a second before Hades redirected her gaze back to him, using his hand that cupped her cheek still.

“And hey” he paused “I’ll always, be here for you. Okay? No matter what. Cross my heart and hope ta- well, it’s uh… little late for that but eh… heh, you-you get what I mean.”

A full blown giggle escaped the princess’s lips, finally, that’s the sweet sound that Hades wanted to hear.

“I know exactly what you mean, love, thank you.”

[jxmieoleksiaks]

Tell me you love me. T. Seguin

This is for @hockeynetwork​ ‘s winter gift exchange. 

Word count: 2.4K

I was given the amazing @danglesnipecelly​ and..let me tell you. Nothing I’m going to write is going to be like hers. She is an amazing talent, and her fics, are pretty freaking amazing. I re did this about 4 times, changing players in between, and trying to go with themes you liked. I really hope this is okay for you, and from one K to another, I hope this is something you’ll enjoy

💚 🐧

It was a warmer than normal December Saturday night. You had the windows open, and wanted to get out in the fresh air. Your boyfriend was still dealing with an injury, but he was moving better than he was, even if you guys drove around the neighborhood, and grabbed some ice cream it would have been a good date. That sounded nice, but Tyler was once again on his new PS5, playing Call Of Duty with the guys.

You didn’t mind that he was playing, he wasn’t that much of a gamer until an entertainment store in Canada sent him and other players the PS5. Now he was playing all the time. It took his mind off the injury, and everything surrounding it, but he didn’t pay that much attention to you anymore, and it wasn’t due to the game.

After the terrible loss of Tampa Bay, you stayed with him in bed for days. He wasn’t the type to mope about a big loss, but being so close, and wanting to win it for the city that he called home, the city that made him feel beloved, and the city where you resided, hurt more than you could have ever imagined. A month and a half later, he went to New York for his hip surgery, and with the help of you and his mom, you both were nursing him back to health.

Now, a couple weeks until the season was to start again, he was down that he couldn’t join the team just yet. Him and Ben were in the same boat about having a recovery until April, but the fact he wasn’t ever out this long, stung for him too.

You were more than understanding, you knew that was a lot for one person to go through in the last 5 months, but you felt more like a caregiver, or just a helper instead of his girlfriend.

“Are you gonna tell daddy I want some attention?” You asked Cash, who was laying on the couch next to you as you flipped through the channels, not in the mood to watch College Football. You sighed to yourself, feeling kind of dumb that you wanted attention, but even the cuddling at night felt different. Were you not doing it for him anymore?

You got off the couch, Cash not moving from his spot, and you headed upstairs, passing the entertainment room before heading to the bedroom.

“Need anything?” You asked, being too nice for your damn good.

There was no response, all you could hear was him trash talking Stephen.

You walked into the bedroom and slammed the door, before crawling into the king size bed, covers up to your face.You were running out of options, of getting him to listen to you. You had called your Mom asking for advice, and well, she didn’t know either, she told you to be patient, as he’s too good of a guy to do something like that. You had watched him grow mature in the last couple years, especially being shit on by the powers that be of the team, you knew he could prove everyone wrong, and just hoped that you would also be proved wrong.

The sound of hobbling footsteps were coming down the hall, closer to the bedroom. You wanted to act like you were asleep, but it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. Sure, you were tired, but it wasn’t the type of tired that sleep would fix.

“Baby? What’s up?” Tyler asked, adjusting the snapback on his head, his gaze focusing on you under the blankets in the bed.

“Like you would know.” You lashed out. It didn’t mean to come out that way, but there was no way you could hide how you were feeling.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” He asked, sounding confused.

“Shouldn’t you be going back to the game? I’m sure they’re doing more than I am for you.”

Tyler stood still, his head cocking to the side.

“Is it because I’m on the game?” He questioned, never thinking you were the type that would get annoyed with the game.

“I mean, that doesn’t help, but I get it, not much else to do, but…” You said, pulling the covers off of you and sitting up on the bed, him still in the same position.

“Then what is it? Talk to me.” He went to sit on the bed.

“I’ve been trying to! You won’t listen to me!” You sounded almost desperate, but things had to be said. “I know that since you came home, thing’s have sucked and have been tough, I’m understanding of that, but you don’t look at me the way you used to…” You felt defeated.

“What?” Tyler spoke, not sounding rude, but more confused than anything.

“I’ve taken care of you since coming home, mentally and physically, and now all I feel like is a caretaker, like..I’ve been hired to make sure you’re okay. When we’re cuddling it feels different, I know we haven’t had a date night since before you went, and it makes sense, but not even something to show that I still mean a lot to you.”

“Seriously…what’s going on…” He said, his tone was more annoyed.

“Do you not love me anymore? Do you think I’m just someone to help you whoever you need it, and when you don’t you just go talk to the guys? Have you even noticed I’ve stopped caring what I’ve looked like because I can’t remember the last time you told me I was amazing, and that you loved me. I can’t remember the last fucking time you told me you loved me. We’ve had sex once since you came home from the bubble, and yeah the surgery was the big reason, but you won’t even hold me like you used to.”

“So you don’t think I love you because I haven’t fucked you?” He spat out.

“Oh my Fucking God, you don’t even listen to me.” You huffed and got out of the bed.

“You make no sense!” He yelled back.

“I said, you haven’t told me you loved me since August. You haven’t asked anything about me, how I felt, made any notations towards me since you got home. You paid more attention to your mom the week she was here, than you have the two months you’ve been home! I…I don’t know what I’ve done…but if you don’t love me anymore..just tell me…and I’ll leave.” You could feel the tears pool behind your eyes.

You didn’t give him a chance to speak, as you stormed out of the bedroom and down the stairs, not able to look at him in the eyes. You ended up on the back patio, feet dangling in the water of the pool.

Tyler thought for a moment. He had been dealing with a lot, but he never did really say anything that wasn’t about him lately. Sure, the pain killers he was on for the hip didn’t help any, or the physical therapy, being in pain almost for the 4 months, slowly getting better. But you had done so much for him. You even took the week off he came home, as you already were going to in case of the win, to stay home with him. You went to the pharmacy for him, got him almost everything he wanted, and took you for granted.

He felt like a dumbass. He felt like the worst boyfriend in the world, hell, he was the worst. He didn’t think, and yeah, he wasn’t the smartest guy half the time, but he knew how amazing you were, and didn’t want to lose you, in any sense of the word.

He hobbled down the stairs, and looked around the downstairs area for you. Tyler walked outside and saw you looking down at the water in the pool. He could still hear your last sentence in his head. The way your voice cracked, tore his heart in half. He had to make this right, and he had to make sure that you knew you were the most amazing person in his life.

Tyler sat down slowly next to you, looking at you with a softened look.

“Can I talk?” He asked quietly, not wanting you to blow him off.

You didn’t say a word, you didn’t know if you wanted to hear the next words that were about to come out of his mouth.

“Well, I want to, so I’m gonna talk…” He said before taking a deep breath. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You’re right, I was oblivious on how much you did for me, how much you gave up for me…”

You looked up at the house, before looking back down at the water.

“I was so focused on what I was feeling, because everything was a lot, but I couldn’t think of anyone else. You were always there for me the last few months, and I just fucking blew you off. I know the pain meds don’t help, but I’ve never been more thankful for you, I’ve never been so in awe of someone before. You’ve done everything you can to take care of me. I’m finally on the mend, but you took care of me emotionally, and physically, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much that meant to me…” He said to you, hoping you would look up at him,

“The game helps, because I can bond with the guys, and it’s hard knowing I can’t go into training camp right now, playing’s all I’ve known for years, and it’s hard knowing I can’t do it. That’s no excuse, I know. But I love you…you may not believe it, but I do, more than you know.”

You finally looked up at Tyler, you could see the hurt and the sorry in his eyes.

“Really?” You said quietly, not wanting to say much, but still wanting to make sure his words were sure.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want anyone with me but you. I know I’ve been a dick in not taking you for granted, but everything you’ve done for me, meant everything to me. You’re someone I can’t imagine my life without. I’m sorry I made you feel unloved, and un-beautiful. You are the most beautiful person in the world, a face of makeup, or bare faced. “

You were about to cry again, but because of his words this time. You felt embarrassed for asking him to say things to you, but you were someone that needed validation. You needed words of love, admiration.

“I know our sex life kind of died, but don’t think I haven’t thought about it all the time. I..I haven’t treated you the way you deserve, and I don’t know how to make it up to you. I’m so, so sorry you felt like this.”

You leaned your face into his shoulder, and he pulled you in close. Your head was in his chest, and you couldn’t help but sob.

“I know you care, and lo…” He shushed you before you could go on.

“No, you had every right to bring this up. I’m not this kind of guy, and the situations haven’t been ideal, but I’m a man of words to you, and I haven’t been showing that. I know I have a lot to make up for, and I promise I will. You just tell me the word, and I’ll do whatever I can for you….within reason.” He said, which coughed you to chuckle lightly.

“I’ll make a list…there’s months to make up for Seguin, but…” You said, you didn’t want to ask for sex right now, could he? But you just missed his touch, you missed in the way he would hold you in those intimate moments.

“But what?” He asked, pushing some hair out of your face.

“I don’t know what the doctor said about sex but…nothing major?” You felt your face get red, as you removed your face from this chest and wiped the remaining tears off your cheeks.

“Ah..well..I don’t know how much I can do, but I’m not letting my lady down.” He smiled before kissing you softly, but with more passion than you had felt in months. “I’d carry you..but I don’t wanna wobble and shit…” He said, feeling bad.

“No I get it, let’s go.” You nodded before he grabbed your hand and held it tightly before walking back into the house, and back up the stairs.

You two re-entered the bedroom and he shut the door.

“I..think to be safe, you need to be on top. And it’s not me wanting to see those tits in my face, it’s…injury reason.” He said, knowing he probably asked the doctors way too much about getting back into sex.

“Mhm…” you playfully rolled your eyes as you removed your clothes, knowing there was a time and place for foreplay, and this wasn’t it.

“I asked, he probably things I’m a freak or something…” He laughed before he was able to slide off his clothes, slower than you did.

You hovered over him, and he pushed the stray piece of hair again back behind your ear. “You really are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” He said before his lips landed on yours.

The way you too connected, felt like the first time. It was something that the both of you had forgotten what it felt like. You went slow, which wasn’t the speed for the two of you, but it was needed, needed more than anything. His hands rested on your hips as you thrusted, and rode him. The moans filled the air, and it felt passionate and raw.

You both came, after not lasting very long. Usually if it didn’t last long, one of you would feel embarrassed, but the face you didn't have sex for quite a long time, made it perfectly fine. You leaned down and rested on his chest, him still inside of you.

“I love you…” You said, placing a kiss on the bare space on his upper chest.

“I love you too, more than anything in this entire world baby girl. I promise.” He kissed the top of your head, finally feeling that the two of you, were slowly on the way up back to your relationship.

[twokinkybeans]

The Arachnoids: ROCK BAND AU [STARKER] - Chapter 17: HAMMERED HEARTS

READ “CHAPTER 17: HAMMERED HEARTS” HERE ON AO3

Find the masterpost with all the chapters linked here!

Taglist: @crystallinecrimsonmoth​​ & @staticwhispersinthedark​​ (Let me know if you want to be added!)

Notes:  Y'all have no idea how anxious I was to write this chapter a a a aa a? I must admit, I had no CLUE what would happen so it was a lil hard to get into. BUT IT WORKED OUT. Wrote this on a little weekend trip (in our own country and definitely covid proof), and now that I'm back home; enjoy!!! -Kim

ps. I'm way too pleased with the small pun in this chap's name alsdjfalsdjf

-

Chapter 17: Hammered Hearts

Tony feels like he’s about to pass out. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t do this,” he says hesitantly and stares at Bucky’s front door intently. Pepper is there. Pepper. He can’t believe that Bucky’s been able to persuade her into this conversation. Peter, who’s standing next to him, sends him a comforting smile.  “Just remember why you’re doing this. Everything else will follow. I gotcha, remember?” “Right,” Tony mumbles. Why. Why-why-why. 

The image of Morgan’s sweet little laugh appears in his mind’s eye, and an instant smile plays on his lips. His daughter. He owes it to her and himself to do this, and hopefully, that means they’ll be reunited.

Tony bridges the small gap between him and the front door and presses the small black button of the doorbell. In the distance, he can hear the ringing sound echoing through the hallway- and then there’s footsteps headed towards them. Tony doesn’t dare to look at Peter. One more of those gentle smiles and he’ll fall apart crying.  When Bucky opens the door, everything seems to suddenly set into motion by itself. Bucky greets them and steps aside to let them in. Tony does so, knowing that Peter follows along. “We’re in the living room, this way,” Bucky says. It’s clear he wants to get started on this sooner rather than later, the tension probably uncomfortable for him too.

And as easily as it seemed to step inside... When Tony enters the living room, time seems to freeze. 

“Daddy!”

Tony is nearly knocked down by the force of Morgan running straight into his legs and wraps her little arms around them. His eyes sting, and he stares down in disbelief. Morgan has buried her face against his jeans and tightens her grip. “Hey little monkey,” Tony whispers and gently takes her arms to unfold them so that he can crouch down. Morgan’s eyes sparkle with pure joy when their gazes meet.  “I missed you. I’m so happy you’re home!” Morgan says and giggles, rushing forward again to hug his neck this time. Tony laughs and lifts her, her legs clamping around his waist where he holds her. “I missed you too.” Tony doesn’t know what Pepper told her, and he would never want to set her up against Pepper or make her feel like she can’t trust her parents. He’ll play along with this game if that’s what it takes to restore this mess. “You’ve grown into such a big lady already!”

“She definitely has your appetite,” Pepper chimes in. Tony’s gaze warily finds her seated on the couch, and his smile falters a little. He tries to contain himself, though and focuses his attention on Morgan again. “Mmmh, that’s my girl.” Tony pokes her belly. “I bet there are lots of little pop tarts in there!” Morgan laughs and squirms where he tickles her, and when he stops, she pokes his face in return. “Daddy, who’s that?” She looks at Peter behind him and Tony blushes. Peter and he have never quite established what they are. When exactly they became friends, he still doesn’t know. When they became somewhat more? Still immensely confusing.  “That’s Peter. He’s a rockstar too!” “Oooh!!!! Just like you?” “Just like me.” At that answer, Morgan squirms out of his grip. When Tony puts her on the floor, she runs over to Peter - staring up at him defiantly. “One day,” she says proudly, “-I’ll be the biiiiiggest rockstar in the whole world!”

“Oh my,” Peter says with a grin. “I’m sure you’ll be a legend.” “See, Mommy?” Morgan sprints around and runs towards her mother. She climbs onto the couch next to Pepper and slumps down against one of the fluffy throw pillows that Bucky has on there.

“You guys want something to drink?”

-

Tony doesn’t know where to start. Pepper and he are seated outside on the small porch of Bucky’s house. Bucky and Peter are playing with Morgan in the garden. Her shrill giggles are music to his ears, and every time she turns around to wave at him, his heart clenches. He’s missed her so goddamn much, and even now that she’s actually here, he can still feel that sense of not having had her in his arms for so long.

“Why?” He asks eventually. Pepper sighs and clasps her hands tightly around the cup of tea she’s holding.  “It was… A lot of things,” she whispers. “Tony, I never meant for this to get so out of hand. I don’t…” A sob rises from her chest, and Tony looks up, surprised. Instantly his worries take over, and he scoots a little closer. All this time, he thought she’d simply wanted him out of their lives. But could it be that he was wrong all these months?

“Pep…” He whispers and frowns at himself for already resorting back to her nickname. “What happened?” “You know Justin, right?” “Your boyfriend?” “Eh, ex-boyfriend now… But yes.” Pepper sniffs and sits up straight, using her sleeve to wipe away her tears. “I never told him that you were Morgan’s father,” she continues. “But he got jealous either way. He said he’d kick us out if I let Morgan see her father again. I didn’t have anywhere else to go- I-” “Pep, you could’ve… Oh, God. Why didn’t you ask me for help?” “You had your medication problems already. I thought if I told you… Well- I didn’t want to send you off into an even worse place.”

Tony can feel a slight hint of anger wash over him. All this time, she made him think it was his fault. This problem could’ve been so easily fixed. He swallows and tries to suck it up. If he gets angry now, who knows what’ll happen. Pepper is finally opening up, and while Tony may be angry… He knows how difficult it can be to leave an abusive household- his own parents are the very proof of it. As much as he doesn’t know whether he wants to, he should try to support her here. “So… What happened to Justin?”

Pepper snorts angrily. “That asshole left for some young chick he met at a bar. Said he hated me, hated Morgan, and he kicked me out after all. I’ve been… Staying here, actually. Bucky was so kind to take me in. He didn’t know the full story, obviously. I swear, I never told anyone about your relationship to Morgan.” “Good riddance.” “I… I guess.” Pepper takes a deep breath. “Tony, I didn’t realize how bad this whole thing had spiralled and when Bucky talked to me… I… God, I’m so sorry.”

“I,” Tony hesitates. “I won’t say ‘it’s alright’ cause it isn’t… But, well, I understand why you did it…” “Tony-” “No, I really do.” After that, it’s silent for a moment. Tony glances at Morgan again, who is currently getting a piggyback ride from Bucky. He smiles faintly.  “What’d you tell her?” “That you were touring.” “Didn’t she ever tell Justin about it?” “No, I made it very clear to her it was a secret. She may be playful and mischievous, but she’s smart. She always felt the gravity of the situation even when she didn’t understand why.”

Tony chews on his bottom lip.  “I wonder how long we can keep this up- keeping her away from the spotlight.” “I don’t know Tones, but we’ll keep on trying.” “We will.”

After another short silence and Pepper finishing her tea, she smiles slightly.  “Thank you.” “What for?” “For… Being so mature about this. I won’t lie, this whole talk gave me some sleepless nights.” “Mmmh, I definitely don’t recognize that.”

Pepper chuckles, and Tony can’t help but chuckle along with her. It’s obvious that there are many things left to discuss. Pepper’s housing situation, where to go from here… But for now, Tony feels a strange hint of calmness washing over him. 

“So, who’s Peter?” “He’s in our opening band. The Arachnoids; cool, eclectic rock sound. Sorta 80s vibe and definitely a hint of Gen Z stuff that I can’t quite put my finger on. And-” “Tony, you know that’s not what I meant. Clearly, you don’t just bring a random dude from your opening band to a talk like this.” She eyes him with a curious glimmer in her eyes, and Tony groans, playfully exasperated. “I don’t know who Peter is, then,” he answers with a shrug. “I think I like him. And he likes me too? But we haven’t… Y’know, nothing’s happened yet.”

Pepper smiles, and Tony can tell she’s starting to relax as well. For a moment, it almost seems like this shitty mess had never happened at all. As if they’re just two friends again who simply happen to have a daughter together. 

“This is nice,” he whispers. “Yeah,” she mumbles back, casting her eyes down. “I’m… Really glad Bucky talked me into this. He, eh, told me some stuff about your meds too. It still isn’t sorted, right?” “Nope. Doctors don’t think it ever will. We’re finishing our second leg of the tour in three months from now, and I think I’ll take some time off after that to do some form of extensive therapy.” “Oh, Tony, that’s- That’s good.” She takes a deep breath and takes his hand. “I’m proud of you.”

The praise fills his chest with warmth, and he smiles at her fondly. He may have slept with her once, even though he’s definitely not into women, but he can still see her charm. He never realized that besides missing Morgan, he missed his effortless friendship with Pepper as well.

He hopes they can build on it again.

[a-court-of-healing]

Loving you Through it Chapter 3 Jace Herondale X Reader

Three days. Three days of pure hell. It was already terrible to be in your head, but now there hasn’t been any relief, even with your emergency anxiety medication. The morning after he died, you made an early therapy appointment with Dustin to see him that day. He tried to get you to talk about it, but all you could do was talk about frivolous things and pace around his room. He was very understanding and he gave you a homework assignment to try and express your emotions and he gave you a harder assignment: to try and talk to Jace about it. After you could breathe again, you were able to use the navigation rune to find Dean’s body. He wasn’t meant to go on rounds alone, none of us were meant to, especially if you had a parabatai. He shouldn’t have gone without you. He should have waited! The parabatai oath has been on rerun in your head. 

“Entreat me not to leave thee,

Or return from following after thee—

For whither thou goest, I will go,

And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.

The Angel do so to me, and more also,

If aught but death part thee and me.”

The guilt and shame won’t leave your system. I was meant to be there, protect him, guide him. You didn’t care if he was the older one. Usually he treated you as an equal, the only time he didn’t was when a) he thought he was right or b) he was angry, but he typically always used to apologize. Why would he go without me? Did he not trust you anymore? Did he think you were too broken to help? Or maybe too fragile and vulnerable right now? He thought you were good as long as you took your meds as you were supposed to, and you have! You have taken it religiously everyday. Right now, it hurts to do anything. You’ve run around with your head chopped off. You needed to take care of the funeral, because you were Dean’s only family. Everyone tried to help, but you demanded to do it. It was the least you could do for him...probably the last thing you’d be able to do for him. Today was the funeral. Most shadowhunters laid down on the pyre with a seraph blade in his right hand over his heart. Then, they would be put in the City of Bones. Some prefer to be put in Idris, but not Dean. He wasn’t raised there. He was raised in New York, and that is where he would stay. Everyone was getting ready, and Magnus and Alec had already arrived. Since you found out that Dean died serving the clave, they made an exception and allowed downworlders to attend. Both Alec and Magnus were concerned about you since you were with them when he was out dying. Joclyn, Luke, and Clary said they would meet us there. You were even surprised to see Maryse and Robert Lightwood here. Then again, you weren’t really that surprised because Dean was an extraordinarily talented shadowhunter. He was well known amongst the ranks, and so were you. You were called the parabatai storm for a reason. Dean taught you well, and so has Jace. You were numb for the most part by now. It was better than feeling. You didn’t want to feel at all, cause Angel knows it won’t be a positive emotion. You got into your lace holow flare sleeve A Line white dress and walked over to your vanity. You put on your perfume and picked up your brush. You started brushing your hair slowly, feeling this hollow hole in your chest. 

“Y/N...honey...it’s time to go.” A familiar warm, comforting voice filled the room. Jace. But I don’t want to go...I’m not ready. You continued to brush your hair and looked at the vanity and pretended you didn’t hear anything. 

“Love...did you hear me?” You can tell that he knows you heard him, but you were choosing not to hear him. 

“I don’t want to go Jace…” You actually answered honestly. That was the most sincere thing you’ve spoken since Dean’s death. You could hear Jace’s dress shoes as he walked across the room. He was dressed in a white vest. It was nice because if he wore a tux, it wouldn’t be Jace, and you could really use the normalcy. He squatted down next to your chair and started rubbing your shoulder gently. 

“Darling, speak to me?” You gasp softly as a rush of emotion runs through you and you shake your head. You began to pick at your nails, trying to cause some kind of pain to cause this agonizing emptiness to go away.  “I’m not ready...I’m not ready for him to go.” He looks down at your hands and notices you picking at your nails and puts his hands on yours and ripped your fingers from hurting yourself. 

“You're hurting yourself love...stop.” He whispered it to where only they could hear.You couldn’t look at him and you tried to pull your hands away so you could keep picking your fingers and he fought you back. He was obviously stronger than you were so it was easy to overpower you. He intertwined your fingers with his and he kissed the back of each hand. It then clicked in your head what you were doing and you immediately felt stupid and you couldn’t help the shame and humiliation that ran through you. You tried to pull away and he wouldn’t let you. 

“I know this is probably the worst time to even say this...but i know...I know you struggle with...um...hurting yourself. Don’t hate him, but Dean might have mentioned it. He was worried about you...I don’t know why, he didn’t tell me specifics. He didn’t tell me your history, he just hinted about this. He was worried about you because he couldn’t always be with you...but I think it’s important for you to know I know…and I’m here for the long run.” He smiled softly at you and panic filled you. How DARE DEAN!! He promised he would never tell a soul. But he did. You shook your head as you thought about it and he waited for you to calm down a little. His thumbs rubbed the back of your hands and he kept his gaze on you trying to gauge your reaction and emotions. There was a knock on the door and they both turned to look and find Alec there.

“I’m so sorry...but...we really need to get going…” You forced a smile and stood up forcing Jace to sit back. 

“Okay...thank you Alec for letting us know! I can’t be late.” You hadn’t realized you seeked out Jace’s hand but he squeezed it in a comforting way, letting you know he noticed and he was still there. 

You all arrive together and you stop dead in your tracks as you look at the front of the room. There on the pyre was my parabatai covered in a white sheet. You must have stopped breathing. When you finally exhaled, everyone was staring at you. You realized everyone was staring at you, waiting for your reaction, and it took every last inch of your being to throw on your biggest smile and walk down the aisle. Everyone took their seats while you took your rightful place next to the pyre. The Silent Brothers began the service and all you could think of was what if I had been there? He would still be alive. 

“The remaining will speak the name of the fallen.” You took a deep shuddering breath.

“Dean Matthew Whitelaw.”

“Ave Atque Vale.” Everyone spoke in unison and you bowed your head trying to keep all your emotions in check. The man leading the precession looked at you and walked to his seat and you walked up to the microphone and began to sing the song that was closest to how you were feeling, “The Next Right Thing.” 

“And, with it dawn, what comes then? When it's clear that everything will never be the same again.” You looked at Dean’s body and felt this overwhelming emptiness and grief overcome you.

“Then I'll make the choice to hear HIS voice. And do the next right thing.” For the first time in a long time, tears fell down your face as you finished the song and then led the very last sentence before Dean would be burned. 

“We are dust and shadows.” You held your hands to your chest hoping that you could maybe make this empty feeling to go away. You looked at the first two rows of pews and saw that everyone was crying as you spoke. You looked at where Dean was laid, pulled out your favorite seraph blade, put it in his right hand and stepped back. Then, they set him on fire and you stood and watched as your best friend, mentor, and parabatai burn. 

“Bye Dean.”

[swifteforeverandalways]

Notes: so @lilmissriottbliss and I have both been watching a lot of Chicago Med and decided that the Chicago shows now officially take place in Emoverse! This is just a lil’ one shot of Kate being injured, Rhea and Toni taking her to Chicago Med, and everyone finding out Ethan was once SHIELD. If anyone has questions, toss them in my inbox!

“Hold on, just hold on,” Rhea Ripley muttered, half under her breath, as she ran down the street. Kate Kane was laying, half limp, in Rhea’s arms. It was supposed to be a normal trip, a vacation almost, to Chicago before WWE started touring again but it ended in disaster. Even on vacation, Kate brought her Batwoman suit and it ended with her stabbed.

“M fine,” Kate murmured weakly, even as blood steadily bled out of the wound.

“You aren’t fine, you got stabbed!” Toni snapped, her tone shaky. Kate tried to roll her eyes but winced instead as they burst into the Emergency Department at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center.

“Help! We need some help over here!” Rhea shouted. A nurse rushed up to them.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“I’m Rhea, that’s Toni, and this is Kate. Please. You need to help her!” Rhea pleaded.

“Dr. Halstead, over here!” The nurse yelled. A tall, well built man with red hair rushed up.

“What happened?” He demanded.

“We Uh….we um….” Toni stumbled over the question so Rhea quickly butt in.

“We were at the park and Kate was climbing in a tree and fell,” Rhea quickly lied. Dr. Halstead looked unconvinced but still helped Kate onto a gurney. “Someone page Dr. Choi!” “Already on it!” A nurse yelled.

“You look really familiar,” Another nurse commented. “Kate!” Toni cried

“Listen, will you help my girlfriend or not!” Rhea snapped. A Korean man ran up and checked on Kate, making orders quickly.

“Get me a CBC, CMP, tox screen, and type and screen. STAT,” he commanded.

“Make sure the tubes are green and lavender,” Dr. Halstead said before adding a, “Or Raya will have my ass” under his breath. One of the nurses snorted.

“Looks like whatever stabbed her missed her lung by about a centimeter” Dr. Choi said.

“What the hell stabbed her?” Dr. Halstead asked. Toni paled. “She fell off a tree, I didn’t even look when we picked her up” Dr. Choi looked at the two women, frowning. Kate’s heartbeat went slow. “She’s stable” A nurse said, another snapping her finger. “I know you two! You’re wrestlers!”

“Bloody hell, can’t we go anywhere and not be recognized,” Toni grumbled.

“April, leave them alone,” Dr. Choi said with a smile.

“I’ll take the tubes down to the lab,” a new doctor said, walking up.

“Thanks Nat!”

The doctor walked off with the tubes in hand.

“Where can we wait?” Toni asked

“I’ll show you….I actually have a few questions for you two,” Dr. Choi said. Rhea nodded. Dr. Choi led them to a small room and shut the door behind them, crossing his arms and looking at the two. Rhea did the same, Toni sitting down.

“I’ve been a doctor for a very long time, and I know what kinds of injuries are caused by what. And I know that she didn’t fall out of a tree. So what happened?” Dr. Choi said. Rhea looked him in the eye. “I can’t tell you that”

“Why not? Was this a domestic dispute? Those injuries are more from a knife than falling from a tree”

"It wasn't a fight with us, and that's all I can say"

“Kate helps SHIELD,” Toni added.

“The agency that works with the Avengers?”

“Yes, her father runs Crows Security in Gotham,” Rhea said.

“That explains where I’ve seen her. Used to do medical for Shield”

“So trust us when we say, this wasn’t a dispute with us.”

He sighed. “Fine. But don’t be surprised if Chicago P.D gets involved” Toni nodded

“And we’ll let SHIELD know….why did you leave them?” Rhea asked. Dr. Choi’s jaw tightened. “That’s none of your business”

“Fine,” Rhea snapped, “But some agents will be coming here.”

“Then you can ask them” he left. “What a dick”

“We should call Bobbi and let her know.”

Rhea nodded. Toni pulled out her phone, dialing up the number.

“Hello?”

“Hi Bobbi, do you know a Dr. Choi?”

“Yeah, he used to work for SHIELD. Why?”

“Because Kate had a incident with a knife and I’m pretty sure him and Rhea are gonna hurt each other”

“I’ll be there ASAP”

“Thank you”

About fifteen minutes later, Bobbi Morse strode into the room with Jade on her heels.

“Ethan!” She greeted the doctor

“Bobbi. Jade,” Ethan nodded. Bobbi pulled him into a hug, Ethan awkwardly returning it.

“How have you been? It's been ages.”

“Good”

“Have you been going to therapy or are you still overworking yourself?”

“The second one” Will interrupted.

“Damn, he looks like he could be Romanroger’s kid,” Jade joked. Bobbi snorted, turning to Ethan. “I thought when you retired you said you’d take care of yourself.”

Ethan shrugged, looking away awkwardly. Bobbi sighed, noticing Rhea glaring.

“So why did he leave?” Toni asked Bobbi and Jade. Ethan glared.

“What, you said to ask them,” Toni said.

“Ethan used to be a field agent” Bobbi said

“Ooh,” Rhea and Toni nodded in understanding.

“Went down to medical after a mission, been a doctor ever since” Ethan added

“So what happened to Kate? Is she okay?” Jade asked.

“She was stabbed”

“We’re just waiting on the blood test results,” Will added before his phone buzzed with a text.

“Why is Saraya texting you in all caps?”

“Something about Nat saying we were being rude”

Ethan laughed. Will smacked him. “She might be tiny but she’s gonna kick my ass!”

Ethan laughed again. Will stared at Ethan. “Stop laughing!”

“To be fair, tiny people can be scary. One of our wrestlers…..” Toni shuddered, “Took out a guy.”

“With a broken nose”

There was a knock at the door. Will made a noise.

“Come in,” Ethan said. A small woman holding lab papers walked in, glaring at Will. “Hey Raya” She marched up to him and began poking him in the chest. “You. Do. Not. Get. To. Be. Rude. To. Wrestlers!”

“I apologized!”

“Still rude to be rude to them!”

Ethan silently walked out. “Actually it makes sense he's former SHIELD” Rhea noted.

“He never did say where he was before coming here,” Will mused.

“Was he in the Budapest mission?” Jade asked Bobbi, who nodded.

“Thought I recognized him. What happened?”

Bobbi let out a long breath.

“He got shot in the knee, guy came close to killing him, retired from field work not long after”

“Damn,” Jade shook her head.

“He was a good agent”

Bobbi nodded. “He was”

“A bit. Not much, Jemma did a lot more as did Lincoln”

“Lincoln was smart enough to work in med shit?”

“Had a medical degree and everything”

“We sure he didn’t cheat?” “Jade!”

“What?” Jade grinned cheekily. Bobbi shook her head. “I was on Budapest, hell of a two day mission”

Will frowned as there was another knock on the door. A man who looked similar too but a little bit older than Will, and with darker hair, walked in with Natalie behind him.

“This is Detective Halstead”

“Jay Halstead,” Jay extended his hand, “I understand this involved SHIELD?”

“Yes, we can’t exactly say that out loud” Jay nodded

“What happened to the perp?”

“I might have punched him out and left for CPD to deal with” Rhea flexed. “These aren’t just for TV”

Toni laughed slightly, nuzzling her face against Rhea’s shoulder.

“Wow” Jay said

“So will Kate make it?” Toni asked.

“Well she’s in surgery right but we have the best surgeons in the state”

“Not to mention her blood type is O pos, which we have a good amount of, and the rest of her results look normal,” Saraya added. Rhea breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Anyway, I need to get back to the lab,” Saraya said, handing the lab papers to Will.

“Love you” She mock glared. Natalie laughed, pulling her into a hug.

“Where’s Ethan at?”

“He walked out.”

Saraya sighed. Natalie bumped her shoulder gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing much, just thinking about my application to join Shield”

“You applied for SHIELD?”

“Yup. Didn’t get in because of an underlying heart condition”

“Underlying heart condition?” Will frowned.

“Arrhythmia” Saraya said. Will let out a breath.

“Now that I think about it, it was a blessing in disguise. I was able to finish my MLS program”

Will wrapped her into a hard hug. Saraya hugged him back, laughing. “April’s missing too so I assume I know where Ethan is”

“God I was such a bitch to him” Rhea whined.

“Eh, you were worried about Kate. If it had been me injured, Jade would’ve killed him,” Bobbi shrugged. Jade stuck her tongue out.

“Jade’s a bit overprotective,” Bobbi explained, noticing the confused looks on Will, Natalie, and Saraya’s faces. Toni coughed. “Bit?”

“Not my fault I don’t want my wife killed,” Jade shrugged.

“Ethan’s having a panic attack!” April ran down the hall.

“I’ll page Dr. Charles,” Will said but Bobbi grabbed his arm.

“Let me go” She ran after April. In the break room, Ethan was sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees.

“Ethan” Bobbi knelt down and grabbed his hands.

“Leave me alone,” Ethan muttered.

“Not happening” Bobbi sat in front of Ethan, “I know you’re scared, but do you remember what you told me? Back when I was having these?”

Ethan looked up

“That you were safe at SHIELD,” he said.

“Exactly. So you’re safe here”

“How do you know?” Ethan whispered.

“Because you have friends here. You’re alive”

Ethan licked his lips. April leaned down and hugged his head to her chest.

“I’m here for you,” she whispered. Ethan held onto her and took deep breaths. “I’m such a idiot for talking about Budapest”

“Sometimes it feels good to talk about traumas, sometimes I feel better when I talk about….you-know-who,” Bobbi said. Ethan nodded, April kissing his head. “I’m guessing you’re his girlfriend”

April held out her hand. “Fiancée, actually.”

“Nice job Ethan”

Ethan chuckled slightly.

“Alright let’s get up” April eased him off the ground. Ethan smiled at her, hugging her tightly.

“Thank you Bobbi”

“Anytime,” Bobbi smiled.

[greedkinggreaser]

What it feels like to be a failure: An essay about my mental health.

This won't be fancy, nor well written, it's about me and all my imperfections. Don't worry this isn't a suicide note. Entire "essay" under the cut.

Hello, My name is Adonis Randall. I think it's a nice name I chose for myself, I've gone through a lot of names and I always pick 4 letter names, it's not important but I like it. Adonis is the name of someone supposedly amazing, I want to be amazing. I never have felt amazing, no matter how much I gloat and laugh about how great I am and how cool I am, I don't think I'll ever amount to being an actual Adonis. That'd be pretty amazing if I could be though.

I'm 24, almost 25! I like to consider myself part of the trans community, and I like to think I can be a voice for people like me in this community, I'm not.

For as long as I can remember I've struggled with my mental health. In and out of therapists, doctors, and in and out of hospitals and on the end of the rope, bottle, or barrel that I put there with my own hands. I've attempted a few times and only almost succeeded last year, I masked it up as having an anxiety attack (it started off as one) but in reality, I did attempt to overdose on my painkillers I had been using for my cramps. I failed. I failed badly, like at everything else I've been doing.

I feel like I've failed at everything, being an artist, a friend, and a role model. I have a platform and all I ever talk about is how bad I'm constantly feeling, at least for a few months I felt great, I had started taking meds that were actually helping combat my anxiety and depression. and what seemed to be helping with my mood swings! Little did I know that it'd make me hallucinate, so bad that I felt like I was dying, they were so bad, that it brought back such intense mood swings, it was near the end of December too. That was the second time I almost succeeded in taking my own life. I had relapsed into cutting again, the scars are fading quickly thanks to ointment and skincare treatments I know. Thank god for that or my family would have found out and made fun of me for being weak again.

This battle has been my own fight, my own best friends don't actually comfort me, I'm sorry if you're reading you guys, but none of you have helped me that much and I'm not bothered by it, it's nothing new. I'm used to just dealing with it. I know it's hard to deal with someone who seems fine one second and moments later is crying about how they don't want to be alive. It's okay, I'm failing on the actually taking my own life part, partially due to me wanting to be around for people I enjoy talking to (those best friends who aren't too helpful but I love them a lot, they help in other ways, I'm still here.)

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend (they/them), I took it well, I wasn't mad I understood they have their own problems to deal with. This is where I also failed, I was a terrible boyfriend, I couldn't find my way out of my own emotional turmoil to see them having a hard time, they said they need to figure themself out before trying to date again, but I know, well I feel, that it was my fault too for not being emotionally available for them when they needed me.

I'm working on myself, I have been since I figured out there was something wrong, I was 15 when I figured it out, I had to start going to therapy on my own privately through my high school, I didn't tell my family, they thought I was fine and often were part of the problem, and would humiliate me in front of the therapist about all the problems I had, making it out like I was a problem child. Now I'm not in therapy, it's taking a lot to find the right therapist in Indiana that isn't gonna try to recommend Jesus to me as a cure to my problems.

I feel like I failed my family too, I feel like with my younger sister already having severe mental health issues, that me having them too was just a hassle, I wasn't cute, nor was I an outgoing person, my problems didn't seem like a big deal, so with that came with abuse, hitting, screaming and degrading, and even starving me. This is still happening, it's not as bad as it used to be, I mostly ignore them now, and deal with it when it pops up.

I feel that makes me a failure too, my friends have to hear about all the problems my family brings to me, what new trauma will this bring to the PTSD table, what will Adon complain about today. I have a roof over my head and I can buy food, not often but I can buy it. I have 2 dogs, they're my brothers but the dogs love me too. My followers have to hear about this too, I talk about it from time to time on my blog. I told a friend once about my sister, how she has attempted to kill me, how I got into a fight with her once Christmas, where she said I deserved to be raped and I liked it, I remember too, I snapped real bad. It was a month or so after I was discharged from the military, so I'm feeling with that sense of failure, now this chucklefuck is getting in my face. I barely remember that night, I just remember the oldest brother separating us, and the second oldest brother trying to calm me down. My sister didn't talk to me for a few days after that. Which is fine. I kinda hate her guts.

Regardless, my life was a rollercoaster. I always feel like a failure, this doesn't scratch the surface of it all, but I hope that if this isn't too bad of a thing to read, that I'll be allowed to talk about it in a later post.