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ellecdc · 30 days ago

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it's not Christmas 'til somebody cries

Christmas Eve and the following morning with The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black family at 12 Grimmauld Place [honestly I'd been listening to this song and had a few scenes come to mind and I just thought it would be funny to see this in one of the families we all love to hate] -> 2.5k words

starring: Black Sister!reader, Sirius, & Regulus featuring: Grand-Père Pollux Black, Walburga & Orion Black, Uncle Alphard, Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus, Bellatrix & Rudolphus Lestrange, Andromeda & Ted Tonks, Narcissa & Lucius Malfoy, Nymphadora, Draco, & Matteo based off the song: It's Not Christmas Till Somebody Cries by Carly Rae Jepsen

CW: DRINKING, mentions of 'biological clocks', casual misogyny, parents guilting their children, [correctly] accusing your cousin of adultery, implied/suspected homophobia, talks about 'youth these days', modern AU, toxic/ridiculous Black family but reader and her brother's still do their best to deal with them.

Regulus rounded the corner to see you and Sirius waiting where the three of you had agreed to meet, seeing as none of you were willing to walk into your childhood home without back up.

He watched as you nodded your head towards Regulus, alerting Sirius to his arrival causing your older brother to deflate significantly in relief.

“That is a filthy and disgusting habit.” Regulus spat, referring to Sirius’ cigarette which Regulus plucked straight from his brother’s mouth before taking a deep drag of it himself.

Sirius scoffed and opened his mouth for what was no doubt going to be some clever quip or devastating blow at Regulus’ expense, but was saved the breath when you shoved something into Regulus’ chest.

“This is for you, Reg.” You offered in a bored tone.

“Thank you?” He replied as a question, stomping out Sirius’ pilfered smoke and taking the - seemingly full - flask from your grasp.

“Didn’t feel like bringing your lovely husband with you?” Sirius taunted as he elbowed his younger brother in the side, earning him a derisive scoff.

“Please. If I hadn’t already learned from Uncle Alphard, I’ve certainly learned from Andy.”

You and Sirius both offered sympathetic hums.

“Poor Ted.” You lamented.

“Tonks does it to himself at this point.” Sirius responded more flippantly. “Why does the bloke still come when he’s given nothing but shite?”

“It’s important to offer a united front for the children.” You and Regulus chorused robotically.

“Christ.” Sirius muttered as he pulled out a flask that matched the one you’d handed Regulus moments ago and took a swig from it.

“Did you get the two of us matching flasks?” Regulus asked before turning to watch as you uncapped another identical flask and took your own swig.

“I got the three of us matching flasks.” You answered breathlessly as you wiped your lips with the back of your hand. “You’ll want to keep that close, Reggie.”

“We’re playing a drinking game.” Sirius concluded as he flashed his eyebrows at him. “Happy Christmas.”

“Don’t speak so soon, Siri.” You chided quietly as you took the stairs up to the door of 12 Grimmauld Place. “You know it’s not Christmas ‘til somebody cries.”

And the three of you dared to step over the threshold as you entered your own personal nightmares before Christmas.

“Well, look who finally decided to grace us with their presence.” Your mother drawled theatrically, alerting the rest of the already full house to your arrival.

“Hello, mother.” You offered firmly, shooting her a look, albeit a softer one than Sirius currently adorned, both of you clearly trying to tell your mother to sod off in your own distinct ways.

“We wondered if the three of you had perhaps gotten lost.” Your father added in way of a greeting as he all but breezed past the cluster of you in the entrance towards the study you knew he stashed his good liquor in.

“One could only hope, father.” Sirius drawled, earning him an elbow in the side from you.

“Sirius! Was that you, my boy?” Alphard called as he came to save the bunch of you from your parents. “And the twins, my loves; how are the lot of you?”

“We’re well, uncle Alphard. Thank you.” You replied easily, causing Sirius to scoff and narrow his eyes at you from the embrace he was currently sharing.

“Speak for yourself, little sister. I’ve never been worse.”

“Is that so?” Alphard laughed as he moved to give you and Regulus hugs of your own. “Why’s that? Are you finding yourselves a touch too sober?” The end of his question falling softer as he pulled a flask out from his breastpocket and shook it at you all invitingly.

The three of you smirked and pulled out your own in perfect timing, hearing Bellatrix screeching at one of the kitchen staff over something no doubt completely asinine and insignificant.

“Bottoms up, children.” Alphard sing-songed before taking his own sip and floating further into the house.

“The children were starting to think their aunt and uncles weren’t going to bother showing.” Lucius Malfoy drawled, smirking at the three of you predatorily as you all moved to the dining room to take your seats.

“I’m sure little Draco was very upset that his mother’s disgraced cousins were 15 minutes late to Christmas eve dinner, Malfoy.” Sirius drawled sarcastically. “Maybe you should buy him another pony to make it up to him.”

“Sirius!” Your mother hissed at him.

“He started it!”

“Real mature, brother.” Regulus muttered as he reached for one of the many bottles of wine lining the table and poured himself a very generous glass.

“The staff will be out to serve the wine, Regulus.” Walburga scolded.

“I’m more than capable of pouring my own wine, mother.” He responded, reaching over Sirius to pour you a glass as well as you held it out for him, causing your mother to screech your name too.

“Regulus is more than capable of pouring me a glass of wine, mother.” You repeated.

“No good, ungrateful children.” She hissed under her breath, standing from the head of the table with a dramatic flourish before storming into the kitchen where you could all hear her screeching at the staff about leaving her guests waiting unattended.

“Does the staff crying count?” Regulus whispered under his breath; you and Sirius both offered him a nonchalant shrug of your shoulders before sneakily taking a swig from your flask, sharing a wink with Alphard from across the table who had, apparently, done the same.

“What is the problem now, Andromeda?” Druella sighed as though her fully-grown middle child was unbearably troublesome.

“Mother, we've been married for years and I’ve reminded you again and again that Ted is vegan.” She hissed in response. Ted, for his part, looked very apologetic as he grimaced at the beautifully plated meal in front of him; the server hovering behind him with an expression nothing short of horror painting her features.

“So what is the issue?” Cygnus gruffed then, looking between the server, Ted, and Ted’s plate bemusedly. “You can still eat fish, yes?”

“No.” Andromeda started, pinching the bridge of her nose as Ted shook his head and smiled appeasingly at the table.

“It’s really alright.” He tried, reaching under the table to offer his wife an affectionate squeeze of her knee as he smiled gratefully at the server. “It looks wonderful, thank you.”

“That’s the problem with young folks these days.” Pollux offered rather unhelpfully. “Always making the rest of us cater to their needs.”

“Grand-père,” Regulus started bemusedly, shooting you and Sirius a look, “that’s- we’re literally having a meal catered to us. The point of hiring a catering service is to be…catered to.”

Cygnus pished at his nephew as he picked up his own glass of wine that had since been poured on his behalf. “And the lot of you expect us to keep track of all these little things; such nonsense.”

“I bet it wasn’t difficult to keep track of Lucy’s purple shampoo stocked in the guest bathroom for the one evening he’s going to be here.” Sirius muttered into his glass, causing you to snort a laugh that you quickly hid under a cough.

“Something to say, Sirius?” Lucius asked darkly.

“I’ve truly never had a single thing to say to you ever, Malfoy.” Sirius responded simply.

“Enough unpleasantness.” Walburga called before Lucius could volley any insults Sirius’ way, clinking a fork against her glass to draw everyone’s attention to her.

“Does she not know she’s the source of most of it?” Regulus whispered to you and Sirius, causing your mother to screech his name.

“As I was saying,” Walburga continued, standing tall and proud and clearly reciting a script she’d no doubt fussed over for weeks that she meant almost zero percent of, “I’m very glad to have my home once again filled with all of those who mean the most to me.”

“S’exactly what she said to me when I tried running away at 16.” Sirius whispered to Regulus quietly.

“The holidays are a time of family, joy, and gratitude.”

“Not the words I’d use to describe tonight, but alright.” You added, earning you a smirk from your older brother as Regulus shook his head fondly at you.

“And I am the luckiest woman on earth to get to spend it all with you.” Walburga concluded elegantly, earning her roaring applause from her father, her siblings, her husband, and two of her nieces and their husbands whilst the rest of you offered her a few short claps before picking up your forks and knives.

“Matteo!” Bellatrix screeched in a tone not unlike your own mother dearest, craning her neck behind the other chairs to level her son with a glare. “Do not shove peas up your cousin’s nose!”

“I wasn’t, mum!” Matteo assured her with a cheeky smile that was missing several teeth. With that, Draco shot a baby carrot from his left nostril as Nymphadora sneered at the two of them like she’d never seen anything more disgusting than the likes of her younger cousins. You’re quite sure you remember Andromeda sneering at Sirius and Regulus in a similar manner growing up.

“Was a kids table really necessary?” Narcissa asked then as she turned her sights away from her son and back towards the ‘grown-up table’. “The three of them could have joined us here, no?”

“Hardly seems fair to poor Dora.” You agreed. “She’s nearly twice the age of the boys.”

“Yes well, if my children would grace me with grandchildren of my own, we wouldn’t need to argue about children’s tables, now would we?” Walburga huffed.

“Mother, you hardly like us as it is, why would you want more?” Sirius asked with a tired sigh.

“It is not a mother’s job to like you, Sirius, it is to raise you. Did I not do that?”

“Didn’t Creature do that?” Regulus asked you and Sirius.

“Mr. Beecher was a tutor.” Your mother corrected sternly.

“Is that what you call Mr. Dobb’s, Cissa?” Sirius taunted his cousin from across the table, causing her to scowl at him and Walburga to hiss some vague threat at her eldest son.

“At least Narcissa graced her parents with a grandchild, boy.” Druella spat at her nephew before pointing a sickly sweet smile at her youngest daughter.

“You might want to get to it, Y/N.” Lucius drawled, and Regulus watched as you landed a steely gaze on your cousin-in-law from across the table. “Your biological clock is ticking, you know.”

“She may not know how to do it right, Lucius.” Rodolphus added, speaking about you as though you were no longer there. “A proper lady ought to be wed and with child at this point, no?”

“Oh please, Lestrange. As though you’re any better; we all know the child you’re raising is actually Riddle’s.” You spat, setting off a bomb at the immaculately decorated Christmas table.

“How dare you!” Bellatrix screeched, standing from her seat as though readying to launch herself at you whilst Cygnus berated you for daring to speak of such unpleasantness in front of the children.

“I’m not sure if you remember, Uncle Cygnus, but the children have their own table; that’s sort of how this whole conversation started, yeah?” Regulus added, causing your uncle’s ire to be directed to him.

“All I wanted was to spend one lovely evening with my dear family!” Your mother wailed as Rodolphus and Bellatrix continued spitting at each other in French, Narcissa cried over what had now become a terrible meal whilst Lucius consoled her, and the older generation argued over whose children were to blame for all of this.

You shared a wry look with your brothers and Andromeda before Uncle Alphard toasted the four of you and Tonks - both of whom pulled out flasks of their own - as you all took swigs at the merriment that could only be found at 12 Grimmauld Place during the most wonderful time of the year.

You and your brothers - the only adults save Alphard who dared to show up without significant others or children of your own - were forced to share a room. Fortunately for you, it was your childhood bedroom, which meant you got your old bed. Unfortunately for Regulus and Sirius, this meant that the two of them were forced to share a queen sized mattress on the floor.

It hadn’t been so bad, though, Regulus had to admit. That is until the sound of the bedroom door being flung open - nearly slamming into the brothers’ mattress - and two nine years olds screaming “Happy Christmas!”’s and “Santa came!”’s in their aunt and uncles’ faces startled you all awake.

“Draco, you weigh a tonne.” You groaned as you tried to shove your towhead blond nephew off of your frame to no avail. “What are your parents feeding you?”

“Broccoli.” Draco sneered as though it were a dirty word.

“S’probably good then.” Sirius grumbled, trying to hide his face under the blankets though Matteo didn’t seem particularly inclined to allow his uncle such a luxury. “Sounds as though you deserve a mouthful of broccoli; right now, preferably.”

That earned him “that’s rude!” being shrieked in a pitch that dogs in Wales probably heard.

“Oi. Uncle Sirius?” Matteo asked; his bony little elbow digging painfully into Sirius’ side as Regulus shoved his nephew’s bony little knees from his side.

“What?” Sirius nearly sobbed.

“Is Santa real? We tried to ask Dora but she wouldn’t tell us.” He asked then, causing Draco to nearly shake your entire bed frame from the force of his enthusiastic nodding.

“Yeah! Is Santa a lie?”

Sirius finally pulled the blankets away from his face; his long hair terribly mussed from having been accosted by somehow sticky little hands (even though breakfast had yet to be served) and his subsequent sheltering under the covers, lines from the pillow case still etched into his cheek and sleep still crusting his eyes as he shared a downright devious look with his brother and sister.

“Sirius…” You started warningly.

“Don’t you dare.” Regulus added as sternly as he could muster. But Regulus could tell by the maniacal smile taking over his older brother's lips that it was too late.

“Well,” Sirius started, “you know what we always say…”

You let out a moan that sounded an awful lot like “oh dear god” as you covered your head with your pillow to shield yourself from the subsequent fall out.

“...it’s not Christmas ‘til somebody cries.”

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