#which is still so good i regularly go ???? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 2 months ago

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Broke (2016): BBC Sherlock is a phenomenal piece of media and anything that seems like a flaw just hasn't been fully explored yet

Woke (2020): BBC Sherlock is an incredibly flawed series run by an egotistical writer, it never deserved the hype and is actively bad on so many fronts (especially representation)

Bespoke (2024): BBC Sherlock is flawed and bogged down by increasingly poor writing, which many fans refused to see while it was airing, leading to hugely misplaced expectations (particularly for the final series), AND it has the seeds of some compelling characterizations and portrayals, some genuinely solid performances, and touches--albeit imperfectly--on complexities that are still being discussed today (particularly as it relates to the relationship between Sherlock and John). The huge cultural impact of the show has created a massive pendulum effect in its public perception, leading to most people today remembering a caricature of the show (whether positive or negative) rather than appreciating its nuanced merits and failings...that being said Season 4 sucked

#these just sum up my personal takes at the years in question and also what i'm seeing on tumblr/other social media #bbc sherlock #sherlock holmes #and i actually have a lot more thoughts to share on this series #specifically relating to the cultural impact #there is SO much about the show that goes unappreciated in hindsight because of how public perception of it has soured #and i totally fell into this as well--i still regularly rewatch hbomberguy's video absolutely dismantling the series and he isn't wrong!!#but what i'm saying is that i think it's easy for us to look at a piece of media (especially one so massively popular) like sherlock...#with very black-and-white lenses. it wouldn't have become so popular if there wasn't something inherent in it that resonated with people #and that's being buried (and i totally forgot it) because 'sherlock is cringe and problematic. can't believe i liked that'#which again it IS full of issues and those are well-documented as they should be. future portrayals should not repeat those mistakes #BUT being able to impact so many people is a merit in itself. and that's only possible because of other genuinely good things about the show #yes the way they handled the relationship between john and sherlock was riddled with problems YES it was often queerbaiting #AND the way they portrayed that relationship had a deep effect on me. i saw a lot of myself in sherlock and the complex way he loved john #the nuanced feelings he had about john's marriage to mary. the part (in s4!) where john calls him inhuman for not feeling romantic love #there was genuine intention and care put into some parts of this show and it comes through in scenes like those. they impact people.#and because of this realization i'm going to (eventually) do a rewatch of the show. i'm much older and i want to see how i'll view it now #but i want to go into it--and i want everyone who engages with it still--to have an open mind and evaluate it for what it is #not what we expected it to be (secret episode anyone?) or what the cultural drift has turned it into (the tiktok of sherlock's mind palace)#but the messy problematic somewhat-heartfelt massively significant and ultimately meaningful piece of media it actually was #anyway that's my thoughts would love to hear y'all's perspectives #funny how after all this time making a sherlock post still feels like i'm poking a bees' nest lol please be kind!#kay can i just catch my breath for a second #kay has a party in the tags

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kelocitta · 7 months ago

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Tangentially related to some of the discussion i posted earlier but quiet literally the first RW Art Month i participated I did it completely on whim like, one day before it started. And I mostly did it because I hadn't drawn a ton of rain world and wanted to draw more. Fandom presence was a lot smaller than and I was one of a handful of artists who did the entire thing. Fast forward and I still do Art Month and I've gotten to work with VC directly. But it was quite literally something I decided to do completely on whim that set the ball rolling, and for something a lil more niche and certainly with a lot more dev/fandom art involvement than most. It's really random how and why you might get noticed more than usual, especially with the "toss it into the search and hope it pays out' mechanism of Socmed

#t.extpost #and im hardly the fanciest art month artist out there so it wasnt even about being a jaw droppingly talented artist or whatever #and while artmonth for rw is still given a huge focus its also a much much bigger thing now with a much bigger number of participants #which is cool! its awesome how many people i saw do most if not all of last art month! and VC is really good about not just repping the #most popular artists or fanciest pieces #but theres So Much More there now and while its great for finding artists its also impossible to get Everyone in there you know?#Although they absolutely try #And this is like. one of the most fanartist involved devs ive ever seen in terms of both celebrating the art their fans make and actively #bringing those fans in to contribute #and its /still/ hard to get going just because thats how Posting is #i used to be more of a hk artist which is both a huge fandom and riddled with stunning artists but theres So Many #and niche fandoms are niche so youre more likely to connect with people but less likely to see a ton of engagement regularly -#probably best example i have for that was being briefly fixated on patapon.#Its just messy to try and find the hack that sets you up #just have fun and jump around and make what you like #get a sense of feeling for your style and some people will stick around for that vs. strictly the subject matter #others will look up the thing you switched too and some wont engage #you cant really control it #so have fun and draw that thing you randomly thought about at 2 am that doesnt match your blog #draw for that forgotten rpg you liked when you were 15 or draw for the 70 player max steam game you played for this week #you never really know what will happen #but its not really worth worrying about what will happen either

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the-worms-in-your-bones · 11 days ago

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Doctor who tiktok my mortal enemy

#and yet I still post there #in my defense there are some nice people with correct dw opinions who regularly show up in my comments #and I’ve gotten a good number of people to listen to the audios #but why are there so many homophobic people #people get so mad when I call ace queer #or say there were any queer classic companions #I hate it here #also encountered someone who go a bunch of edas for fifty cents each #which is baffling to me #never going to stop thinking about that person I fear #doctor who

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cryolyst · 4 months ago

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#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase #'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that #[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week #and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me #but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it #and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me #i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no #but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like #300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3 #ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good #'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them

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sysig · 1 year ago

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Gotta sweep up all this Dust (Patreon)

#Doodles #Mother 3 #Duster #I am still thinking of He and yet he still hasn't completely come back into my crosshairs #If you can believe it - it was actually the fic printing that was like halfway to the goal of going out of my mind about him again and well-#Lol ♪ I do still plan to! I just underestimated how much of a run-up to him it would be #I'll get there! Certainly keeping busy in the meanwhile lol #But he does get /some/ screentime in the meantime at least haha #I actually injured my own ankle a while ago :P Couldn't tell you exactly when or what but it's been kinda flaring up lately #Mostly when I got for walks - doesn't have to be super long walks either which I'm not super jazzed about #But I did get an ankle compress-brace which has been good for it :) Can walk a bit more regularly!#It was mostly giving my pain away that prompted him back lol sorry Duster #I did at least power up the game to try and see which side his limp is on - it's hard to tell!#It looks like his strides are more confident/longer with his left leg but with the way his sprite mirrors sometimes but not other times #I don't know if he actually says which leg it is somewhere in the game either so I'm just projecting for now lol #I imagine it's only easier to stress out the strong side by overextending - why not both!#It's also still really fun to draw him covered in scars haha #Probably could've gone for arm hair too but it might've muddled the scars and aren't those the important part lol #And a little singy Duster/Lucky to round out :)#I imagine he has a weak voice if he tried projecting but hmm I'm not sure! I really do want to get to know him better!#There's gotta be a reason he was put on the bass right haha #Probably a nice whispery singing voice ♪

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skrunksthatwunk · 3 months ago

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last minute pre-grandparent-visit room deep cleaning has revealed that within the drawer i tend to assume just has old, off generic birthday cards and theater/concert programs there are also many, many going away cards and letters and things from the last couple of times i moved away. i guess i always thought of it as such a lonely thing, and i talk a lot about how i don't think i made Real friends until recently, and not to get choked up on main or anything but i think maybe i was completely fucking wrong

#Real friends = deep friends and admittedly it's hard to have deep connections with ppl when you're like 10 #and also hard to have deep connection with people when you don't understand yourself at all (bc how could you share it?)#but i was so profoundly loved.#and it's not like the bday cards and stuff aren't a part of that they're just so.. obligatory? whereas such cards from friends is. guhhh #like they missed me. maybe they still do at least a little bit. ahhhhhhh #like i was a shithead but i meant something to a lot of good people and so many of these aren't from just one person #they're a bunch of them coming together and bringing along inside jokes i only half remember and drawing my fucking ocs like GUYS.#GUYS I LOVE YOU GUYS. i may not remember all of you but you were like. goddd i think you made this bearable #and im so glad i saved these. i didn't know there were so many #speaking of which i also found THREE count em THREE decks of cards i know for a fact i have never used bc i have a favorite deck and it's #not those. what off the wall madness was i planning where i needed three non-matching decks of cards within sleep-reach at all times #anyway im reorganizing bc like 10% of that drawer was stuff i actually needed regularly (literally Just the knives) and it's a nightstand #so it should be like. stuff i frequently need like pens and junk. idk #like it's not as if i don't think about how my moving away hurt ppl like i've been abandoning ppl against my will my whole life #but i guess ive been thinking of it as some kind of responsibility or guilt thing? or painful in a me-centric way. they sent me off #with well wishes though they poured their hearts into these. they drew and printed photos and made little crafts bc they loved me #and that's what you do when someone you love has to go away. waughhhhgghhghbn

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hecate-spawn · 3 months ago

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I think after dating two women the general consensus is that I'm really bad at dating because I rush into things but very good at getting broken up with and staying on hood terms because we were better as friends anyway

#As you can tell I just got broken up with #Tbh I feel fine #The whole situation in which I started dating my now ex gf was so weird. Like that's literally a post in itself which I will not be making #However I think this was a good and important learning experience because prior to now I thought I could just crush on a girl if she asked-#Me out #I'm not going to go out of my way ppl now after this. I feel like this was closure abt dating in a way #And it's nice to just. Not want a gf for the first time in a few years #Anyway if a girl/not a guy my age asks me out I will still probably say yes because I'm me #But it feels like the romance sub-plot/main plot is over for now #Now back to our regularly scheduled liking fictional women #I want Arlecchino to-

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wolpatinga · 3 months ago

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#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good #or that it's getting better. i really do #i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess #cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them #and i could not tell you why #this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here #but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that #isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts #the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself #and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone #and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this #which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago #and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine #and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message #does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them #i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action #it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now #i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon #and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates #it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said #thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles #i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms #it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know #and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort #and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it #god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts #idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better

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nugatorysheep · 3 months ago

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Sometimes I think about how, back when the roster was much bigger, me and my old friend group all picked out WTL characters that we thought the others were the most like, and almost universally people thought Druid was the most like me. That probably should've been my first clue that none of them knew a single thing about me, but hindsight is 20/20

I also often think about how, after several days of going through things that had happened to me over the last four or so years, I was told 'You seem like a person who wants to be understood', and it hit me that until then, I had never met someone who ever really got me. Now that I have, I could never settle for less.

#for the record Sven is like two steps away from being my kinsona #like it's almost embarrassing lmao #i think between him and Leo (with his edits over the years) you can find 70-ish percent of what makes up me as a person #idk man I just. People think Im so aggressive and obtuse #and like. yeah when im backed into a corner im not the nicest #but i dont think anyone would be if they're in fight or flight mode and it feels dishonest to judge someone at their most vulnerable #but when im just like.... There and Alive and being my usual nerdy self #which is 99 percent of the time #i am just a Guy in a Room #and people assume the worst of me for it #like damn what about me is so evil and intimidating. please i want to be seen as soft and kind and genuine for once in my life #i wanna be able to express myself without it being seen as an attack or rude or aggressive #it wasnt until recently where i really started noticing this and by extension getting peeved about it #but i've been so mild-mannered and people-pleasing all my life because i was unknowingly compensating for how people view me #and even with all that bending over backwards it never worked anyway because I was still the weirdo at best and the aggressor at worst #And Im *tired* of that. I'm so tired of it.#I cannot in good faith keep trying to be this un-intimidating flower when people are only gonna see thorns regardless #nugget rambles #text.txt #vent tag #I'll go back to regularly scheduled shitposting soon #Also like clarity on Druid: I project some fears and traumas of mine onto him and he means a lot to me #but in terms of personality he is far nicer and resilient than I would ever be under such circumstances #Druid isn't me but he's someone I wish I had in my life when I needed it. He's someone I wish I could be

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orcelito · 3 months ago

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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !

#speculation nation #negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february #actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when #so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh #i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it #and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it #and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found #but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots #which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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silverselfshippingchaos · 4 months ago

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r.une is so awesome! he's the kindest guy ever and I always drop by the thieves guild whenever I'm not doing anything just to hear his pretty voice

#ash rambles 💚#and he's handsome!#steal me away 🐉#ugh it's been so long since i've played s.kyrim #or uh. anything other than c.yberpunk #school keeps me busy and #i also got some wisdom teeth removed today! and two other teeth! it's... not the most comfortable! I'm trying to stay chill about it but #FUCK i miss solid food so much #anyways I'll try my best to get some sleep! I'm trying to downplay it but it's probably not a good idea to like. not rest after all that #so yeah if i havent been as activate as of late it's just a mixture of that + school + me trying to platinum cy.berpunk 2077 #i think I'm at about 75% trophy achievement? which isnt bad at all #sorry i was talking about r.une #s.kyrim has ass lighting but. his eyes are actually green! i just think he's sooooo handsome!#I can't really kiss since my face is all swollen but i am mentally kissing him all over! he's just such a sweet guy! i know i ship with a #lot of men that are a little rough around the edges but. not him #he's just a genuinely nice guy #(ignorethat hes part of the thieves guild)#oh speaking of I've started to play o.ctopath 2 again. starting to drag myself out of my gaming slump #it's just... been such a crazy last few weeks. with school and life and my mouth... and the roadtrip in which our tire went kaboom in the #middle of nowhere.. everyone is okay but it's still definitely a moment that made me go 'what the hell is wrong with ash's life' LMAAAOO #gonna save that story for the grandkids! BAHAHAHAHAA #oh speaking of kiddos. i've been developing the kiddo for s.eifer a lot as of late! her name is selena + she wields a gunblade like her pap #and just like how her papa has a thing for s.quall (/hj) she has a thing for s.quall's kid LMAAAOO #ah shit it's almost 3am.. I'm gonna go to sleep! i should rest after today #good night my friends #or. well. good morning. since you know. it's so late ajdkahsjq #I'll get back to the regularly scheduled f/o posting eventually <3 #your knight until the end 🤍#also also I've been reading john koenigs the dictionary of obscure sorrows and annotating it like the nerd i am. fucking hell it's so good #apologies to all my friends who keep getting spammed with me analyzing it LMAAAAOO y'all are the best

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mutalune · 5 months ago

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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

#starlight personal #it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in #my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires #like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful #and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these #I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now #SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME #I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do #if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning #the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH #WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT #AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE #basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics #I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out #2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation #time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh #that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral #to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first #see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP #SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG

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edelorion · 6 months ago

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#edel vents #disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today #and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go #i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with #aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there #and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to #discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone #worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed #as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth #and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred #i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many #i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.

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lurking-latinist · 1 year ago

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#so many posts on here I see and I want to go 'OP either you know an unusually high number of awful people or I know an unusually low number'#but (a) that's not helpful of me to say and (b) I don't know which it is #I do think I know an unusually low number of awful people *well*#like I've been blessed with an excellent family and I'm pretty good at picking friends #but even like casual daily interactions. apparently other people's regularly suck more than mine do #and like. what do I do with this form of privilege??*#I've been told that people tend to calm down around me which is nice I guess and perhaps insulates me from some deranged interactions #I also sometimes don't notice it when people are trying to be rude to me apparently #Believe me if I could bottle and share my 'judgmental weirdos repelling field' that I apparently have I would send you all some #*[it is of course linked with other forms of privilege but like. other highly educated white women still seem to complain of #more offputting interactions than I'm aware of happening to me]#it also occurs to me that this website is maybe not a perfectly unskewed barometer of everyone's daily pleasant or unpleasant interactions #in that one is more likely to come on here to complain than to come on here to rejoice #on average

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dullahandyke · 1 year ago

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Oh can we fuck off with the realising of things that would make me happier in a gender way!!! Bro I cant even think about achieving them until I come out n that's not happening until the leavings over so stop fucking giving me concrete things I could do!!! Aaaaa!!!

#*me idly playing w my hair n gathering it all in the front so i can feel the lack of it on my neck* wow i should cut it short- FUCK #listen. ever since ive been wanting to physically transition in other ways ive been regularly checking in like #'youre still ok w the long hair right? its masc in a dashing prince sort of way and u genuinely like it'#and i ponder it seriously and the answer is yes im still ok w it and its a relief bcos i dont gotta figure out a new short hairstyle #let alone come up to my mom like heyyyyyyyyyy boy pls #n now its like. sigh fucks sake #and goddammit the whole thing abt i love my mom to death n she does so much for me n she genuinely is good abt so much #and BECAUSE of that i dont wanna upset her by fucking w my hair which is fucked but whatever #like itd be easier if i could go lol fuck her but dammit i care abt what she thinks #n if she didnt like me shaving my undercut w the bare clippers bcos it emphasised the beard then oh buddy she wouldnt like long hair #im half considering trimming my beard so shes more likely to cede more ground 2 me #bcos she does have a point abt it looking disheveled #but if im perfectly honest the way the beard looks doesnt even factor into why i have it #i love the fact that im even growing it n the gender factor n its a fun stim toy but idgaf if it looks nice #if i wanted it to look nice id shave the neckbeard n trim the sideburns n maybe ill trim the neckbeard actually but thats beside the point #what was i on about again

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