#which is still so good i regularly go ????
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Broke (2016): BBC Sherlock is a phenomenal piece of media and anything that seems like a flaw just hasn't been fully explored yet
Woke (2020): BBC Sherlock is an incredibly flawed series run by an egotistical writer, it never deserved the hype and is actively bad on so many fronts (especially representation)
Bespoke (2024): BBC Sherlock is flawed and bogged down by increasingly poor writing, which many fans refused to see while it was airing, leading to hugely misplaced expectations (particularly for the final series), AND it has the seeds of some compelling characterizations and portrayals, some genuinely solid performances, and touches--albeit imperfectly--on complexities that are still being discussed today (particularly as it relates to the relationship between Sherlock and John). The huge cultural impact of the show has created a massive pendulum effect in its public perception, leading to most people today remembering a caricature of the show (whether positive or negative) rather than appreciating its nuanced merits and failings...that being said Season 4 sucked
#these just sum up my personal takes at the years in question and also what i'm seeing on tumblr/other social media#bbc sherlock#sherlock holmes#and i actually have a lot more thoughts to share on this series#specifically relating to the cultural impact#there is SO much about the show that goes unappreciated in hindsight because of how public perception of it has soured#and i totally fell into this as well--i still regularly rewatch hbomberguy's video absolutely dismantling the series and he isn't wrong!!#but what i'm saying is that i think it's easy for us to look at a piece of media (especially one so massively popular) like sherlock...#with very black-and-white lenses. it wouldn't have become so popular if there wasn't something inherent in it that resonated with people#and that's being buried (and i totally forgot it) because 'sherlock is cringe and problematic. can't believe i liked that'#which again it IS full of issues and those are well-documented as they should be. future portrayals should not repeat those mistakes#BUT being able to impact so many people is a merit in itself. and that's only possible because of other genuinely good things about the show#yes the way they handled the relationship between john and sherlock was riddled with problems YES it was often queerbaiting#AND the way they portrayed that relationship had a deep effect on me. i saw a lot of myself in sherlock and the complex way he loved john#the nuanced feelings he had about john's marriage to mary. the part (in s4!) where john calls him inhuman for not feeling romantic love#there was genuine intention and care put into some parts of this show and it comes through in scenes like those. they impact people.#and because of this realization i'm going to (eventually) do a rewatch of the show. i'm much older and i want to see how i'll view it now#but i want to go into it--and i want everyone who engages with it still--to have an open mind and evaluate it for what it is#not what we expected it to be (secret episode anyone?) or what the cultural drift has turned it into (the tiktok of sherlock's mind palace)#but the messy problematic somewhat-heartfelt massively significant and ultimately meaningful piece of media it actually was#anyway that's my thoughts would love to hear y'all's perspectives#funny how after all this time making a sherlock post still feels like i'm poking a bees' nest lol please be kind!#kay can i just catch my breath for a second#kay has a party in the tags
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There are two wolves inside me. One wants to embrace a new hobby in dance so I can be active and feel elegant and graceful and strong. This wolf wants to try something new and exciting, finally indulging in something I've always had an interest in.
The other experiences such frustrating emotions on a near daily basis that I want to go back to boxing, which is arguably easier to break into since I've already done it before. This wolf doesn't think of elegance, she just wants to fuck shit up until her body's so overworked and warm it fogs up car windows without having to do anything but sit inside.
Which one do I fucking feed??
#t. lee woes#like. do you know how hard it is trying to start something new that you've never done at all ever before??#and you've got no mode of transport until december - and ONLY if things go well#and now you're contemplating ways to mkre regularly earn a bit of money to afford the classes since paying weekly means my income#would wind up like $9 a fortnight since $40 would be spent by the end of each fortnight#it wouldn't necessarily be stagnant but it's not a desirable position to be in#I still have stuff saved up in a jar but I'm always hesitant to dip into that stuff#originally it was going toward a violin and lessons for that but I'm putting it off in favour of something a bit easier to dedicate time to#boxing is easy. in fact I could get support from my fam for that cause they like it#they don't see the point in dancing but I really want to at least try it and I'm worried about affording each term if I do end up liking it#also I already have boxing gear from before#but I'm hesitant about boxing at the moment for a lot of reasons I can't quite articulate but weirdly might have something to do with#internalised misogyny and biases... which is WILD cause my dad supports women learning martial arts#I can't do karate though I tried that and the class drove me a little insane#and it doesn't push you the same way boxing does and I really like to be pushed#if I don't leave sweating and hot and lungs and muscles aching then what's the point?? I can do mediocre exercise at home#and find more intense martial arts classes that also teach other kinds of self-defense#it's like... ehhhh#anyway but also I want to do something that's for fun that isn't so Serious Fight Mode#hence dancing#but I can only afford one not both and basically I'm grumpy today cause I was gonna trial a dance class - got ready and everything - but#my ride was suddenly unavailable. and I still can't stomach public transport. nor am I good at navigating it#it feels so different here compared to where I used to live - and I knew trains better not buses
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interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!
#marzi speaks#it’s . probably bc of the vasculitis thing#which like. while it is a traumatic thing that i need to work through and plan on going to therapy about#it also put a LOT of things into perspective for me#and like actually i do not think i am afraid of growing up anymore !#i mean i still have like. the imposter syndrome and the fear of getting overwhelmed and falling behind#that’s not gonna go away overnight that’s been there for as long as i can remember#BUT!! i know deep down that i can figure it out now.#bc i figured out a lot. i figured out how to gauge my physical well being#i figured out how to be someone who can regularly make phone calls without crying#i figured out pharmacies. and i’m figuring out how insurance works#and appointments and withdrawing from school and reapplying to school#and all of the lifestyle changes that come with having an autoimmune disease#i’m learning self advocacy. i’m learning how to respond when people treat me poorly (always accidentally so far)#yeah getting my license has been hard and slow just bc i have all the anxiety shit about it. but i AM putting that effort in#i dunno it’s just. adult responsibilities are horrifying and the prospect of existing independently in our current society#is horrifying. and i think i’ll always be scared.#but i used to think i might not be able to handle it. that i would fall apart#i know now that i won’t. i will find a way to move forward and be happy. because that’s what i’ve always done#if i can take the scariest couple of months in stride the way that i have. then i think i can handle it#anyways. 19 was eventful enough can i be 20 now. i think being 20 would be good for me#still a Weird thing to think about. two whole decades. but like i can do it methinks
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Tangentially related to some of the discussion i posted earlier but quiet literally the first RW Art Month i participated I did it completely on whim like, one day before it started. And I mostly did it because I hadn't drawn a ton of rain world and wanted to draw more. Fandom presence was a lot smaller than and I was one of a handful of artists who did the entire thing. Fast forward and I still do Art Month and I've gotten to work with VC directly. But it was quite literally something I decided to do completely on whim that set the ball rolling, and for something a lil more niche and certainly with a lot more dev/fandom art involvement than most. It's really random how and why you might get noticed more than usual, especially with the "toss it into the search and hope it pays out' mechanism of Socmed
#t.extpost#and im hardly the fanciest art month artist out there so it wasnt even about being a jaw droppingly talented artist or whatever#and while artmonth for rw is still given a huge focus its also a much much bigger thing now with a much bigger number of participants#which is cool! its awesome how many people i saw do most if not all of last art month! and VC is really good about not just repping the#most popular artists or fanciest pieces#but theres So Much More there now and while its great for finding artists its also impossible to get Everyone in there you know?#Although they absolutely try#And this is like. one of the most fanartist involved devs ive ever seen in terms of both celebrating the art their fans make and actively#bringing those fans in to contribute#and its /still/ hard to get going just because thats how Posting is#i used to be more of a hk artist which is both a huge fandom and riddled with stunning artists but theres So Many#and niche fandoms are niche so youre more likely to connect with people but less likely to see a ton of engagement regularly -#probably best example i have for that was being briefly fixated on patapon.#Its just messy to try and find the hack that sets you up#just have fun and jump around and make what you like#get a sense of feeling for your style and some people will stick around for that vs. strictly the subject matter#others will look up the thing you switched too and some wont engage#you cant really control it#so have fun and draw that thing you randomly thought about at 2 am that doesnt match your blog#draw for that forgotten rpg you liked when you were 15 or draw for the 70 player max steam game you played for this week#you never really know what will happen#but its not really worth worrying about what will happen either
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Doctor who tiktok my mortal enemy
#and yet I still post there#in my defense there are some nice people with correct dw opinions who regularly show up in my comments#and I’ve gotten a good number of people to listen to the audios#but why are there so many homophobic people#people get so mad when I call ace queer#or say there were any queer classic companions#I hate it here#also encountered someone who go a bunch of edas for fifty cents each#which is baffling to me#never going to stop thinking about that person I fear#j rambles
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#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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Gotta sweep up all this Dust (Patreon)
#Doodles#Mother 3#Duster#I am still thinking of He and yet he still hasn't completely come back into my crosshairs#If you can believe it - it was actually the fic printing that was like halfway to the goal of going out of my mind about him again and well-#Lol ♪ I do still plan to! I just underestimated how much of a run-up to him it would be#I'll get there! Certainly keeping busy in the meanwhile lol#But he does get /some/ screentime in the meantime at least haha#I actually injured my own ankle a while ago :P Couldn't tell you exactly when or what but it's been kinda flaring up lately#Mostly when I got for walks - doesn't have to be super long walks either which I'm not super jazzed about#But I did get an ankle compress-brace which has been good for it :) Can walk a bit more regularly!#It was mostly giving my pain away that prompted him back lol sorry Duster#I did at least power up the game to try and see which side his limp is on - it's hard to tell!#It looks like his strides are more confident/longer with his left leg but with the way his sprite mirrors sometimes but not other times#I don't know if he actually says which leg it is somewhere in the game either so I'm just projecting for now lol#I imagine it's only easier to stress out the strong side by overextending - why not both!#It's also still really fun to draw him covered in scars haha#Probably could've gone for arm hair too but it might've muddled the scars and aren't those the important part lol#And a little singy Duster/Lucky to round out :)#I imagine he has a weak voice if he tried projecting but hmm I'm not sure! I really do want to get to know him better!#There's gotta be a reason he was put on the bass right haha#Probably a nice whispery singing voice ♪
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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even though i really love what hrt is doing to me it has made me so self conscious because i know my body is changing more visibly now and i don't like the idea that people who know me very well will be able to see that. i just hate the idea of people looking at me. and i worry that the people i care about will like me less the more they look at me because i'm ugly
#some of my mum's family keep calling me fat now bc of the t weight gain as well which is irritating to me#1) i'm still clinically underweight according to the doctor 2) so fucking what if i was. why is it my problem that you're archaic#if you think being fat is bad that's like. fully your problem. that's on you. grow up and get a grip#and also i'm already hyper aware of the fact that my body has changed. i don't need you to keep drawing attention to it#it's frustrating because like. i WANT to gain weight. i feel way better abt how i look and i feel like i'm more attractive#but they keep making me feel guilty for it and like everyone is silently noticing and judging me for it#it's like. the whole time you've known me i've been miserable and consistently trying to off myself#i also spent my ENTIRE childhood and teen years taking care of my siblings + grandmother bc you guys couldn't be arsed#and now i'm finally doing something for myself that is making me way happier and you can't let me have that#i still have to see them regularly because they're living with my grandmother who i am obligated to visit#partly because she's ill and partly because i'm the one who does all her chores that she can't do anymore#because you guessed it. the family members living with her just sit around doing fuck all so i have to do it all instead#and last weekend i spent five hours raking leaves + moving bricks so when i came back in i was starving#and AS SOON as i started eating my (fake)auntie was like. girl you eat too much.#BROTHER ?????????? suck my fat cock ??? leave me alone ?????????#being so Out in the real world vs being so insanely Closeted in front of my family is so ew#it reminds me of being a closeted teenager living at home feeling like i was constantly harbouring this embarrassing evil secret#when really i'm just putting gel on my arm every day and eating five packets of ramen in one sitting#when i'm in queer spaces / on my own / having sex i feel so good abt myself i don't have an ounce of dysphoria#and then i go home and it's like oh. i'm actually the most disgusting evil creature on this planet and i deserve death#whatever. trans people and lesbians think i'm hot and i got mad head game so who gives a fuck
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hot pink 11+ year old digital camera still works and is ready to go on wonderful adventures once again :]
my beautiful hot pink princess ... 🫶
#thank goodness the battery still works LOL#I actually had to get a replacement battery years and years ago when I still used it regularly#because the first battery got worn out from me taking so many photos and videos LOL#I am very excited to let this small beast go on adventures with me again for the first time in over a decade!#and actually I think the photo quality is higher than I expected it to be which was a surprise#I'll have to see if I'm understanding it properly after taking a few photos and transferring them to laptop for proper viewing though#I may be misunderstanding the pixel count or whatever its called ^^;;#gallytrottings
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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I think it's actually really solid from a philosophy standpoint that Aaron Sorkin created the contrivance of The President Invoked The 25th Amendment
Because above all, the text of the amendment covers the circumstances
But beyond that, it's been like 20 years and I've gotta say that if half as many politicians had involved that level of cognizance in decision-making, I don't actually think we would be in this political landscape
What I mean is. They swore a man in to do a job that collectively lasted less than a day. He did do that job, unbriefed and largely unprepared and it was on the back of The US President was Unable to continue his duties that they made another guy temporarily President and they only got there because the president was already so taxed by his daughter being kidnapped that he was unable to continue
Jfc I mean I do actually Hate the motherfucker that made Temp President in the show
But I think it's really valuable that this show was so obsessed with Process for so long because it made a better show where we're asking ourselves not only politically what this does to this guy (which makes us politically savvy) but in a modern context, I'm frankly asking what the fuck else wasn't focused on, in-universe, that makes this situation challenging to navigate and weird to get through because we now have a temporary new president and not for the reason that the amendment envisioned either
I mean it's actually fascinating as a discussion and I think it makes things like political science more interesting as we try to a world where people frequently get so old they die (or get voted out) before resigning their seat in public office
And this one is such a wild circumstance that it could only be tv but these are the kind of circumstances that do kind of make public office and how those leaders deal with it tells you a lot about them
Like how for example I think being President is more important to Donald Trump than any process that allows for the country to actually function
I think he'd never invoke the 25th even if he were suddenly upon his deathbed by disease with warning
Because I think he's the kind of man that cares more about his ego than how an entire country functions (it doesn't or it Tries Badly) without that figurehead -because I would argue the biggest advantage to a president is having a figurehead at which other countries can point a gun, which allows them to lose focus on the other ways that the government actually (theoretically) runs
Anyways I'm just saying things recreationally but I'm really pondering this in light of what I have seen in the show and the ways that this show largely reflects a politics that is baking to the one we continue to play (because the people who haven't embraced the panopticon believe politics still works like this, or else have already died)
I'm just saying there are already many obviously challenging pieces to this but conceptually there is a letter that removes his power as an elected official, and another what returns it, and both get approved at once.
And then the capitalism that makes a rabid and ravenous Press also makes itself known and I'm reminded that people make their whole salaries on the shit like this which is why the 25th has only ever been theoretically enacted (and I don't know history but I'm pretty sure I'm right about that one since it's an American time
#hi I'm clueless about politics or history but i love the West Wing and i think it's actually incredibly ambitious of any TV writer#to create a throughline of narrative involving the kidnapping of a member of the First Family#because I mean it's a lot to get into why i think that and you have to only the Everything going on in the universe l#which is a small fraction of the kind of global politics we are currently fighting against#while Kids are still Drugged and Kidnapped regularly and we haven't even worked out a good deterrent there#because gods forbid we actually tell a kid that they're already right#that an adult isn't inherently trustworthy and some of them are actually looking to do far worse to you than you can imagine and#and you can only not imagine it because words like Trafficking and sex don't exist in your world#kill barely exists except in your translated Bible so of course you can't fathom this#fck I'm entirely off track and losing reach with every tag so yeah#The West Wing#theoretical political nonsense
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last minute pre-grandparent-visit room deep cleaning has revealed that within the drawer i tend to assume just has old, off generic birthday cards and theater/concert programs there are also many, many going away cards and letters and things from the last couple of times i moved away. i guess i always thought of it as such a lonely thing, and i talk a lot about how i don't think i made Real friends until recently, and not to get choked up on main or anything but i think maybe i was completely fucking wrong
#Real friends = deep friends and admittedly it's hard to have deep connections with ppl when you're like 10#and also hard to have deep connection with people when you don't understand yourself at all (bc how could you share it?)#but i was so profoundly loved.#and it's not like the bday cards and stuff aren't a part of that they're just so.. obligatory? whereas such cards from friends is. guhhh#like they missed me. maybe they still do at least a little bit. ahhhhhhh#like i was a shithead but i meant something to a lot of good people and so many of these aren't from just one person#they're a bunch of them coming together and bringing along inside jokes i only half remember and drawing my fucking ocs like GUYS.#GUYS I LOVE YOU GUYS. i may not remember all of you but you were like. goddd i think you made this bearable#and im so glad i saved these. i didn't know there were so many#speaking of which i also found THREE count em THREE decks of cards i know for a fact i have never used bc i have a favorite deck and it's#not those. what off the wall madness was i planning where i needed three non-matching decks of cards within sleep-reach at all times#anyway im reorganizing bc like 10% of that drawer was stuff i actually needed regularly (literally Just the knives) and it's a nightstand#so it should be like. stuff i frequently need like pens and junk. idk#like it's not as if i don't think about how my moving away hurt ppl like i've been abandoning ppl against my will my whole life#but i guess ive been thinking of it as some kind of responsibility or guilt thing? or painful in a me-centric way. they sent me off#with well wishes though they poured their hearts into these. they drew and printed photos and made little crafts bc they loved me#and that's what you do when someone you love has to go away. waughhhhgghhghbn
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I think after dating two women the general consensus is that I'm really bad at dating because I rush into things but very good at getting broken up with and staying on hood terms because we were better as friends anyway
#As you can tell I just got broken up with#Tbh I feel fine#The whole situation in which I started dating my now ex gf was so weird. Like that's literally a post in itself which I will not be making#However I think this was a good and important learning experience because prior to now I thought I could just crush on a girl if she asked-#Me out#I'm not going to go out of my way ppl now after this. I feel like this was closure abt dating in a way#And it's nice to just. Not want a gf for the first time in a few years#Anyway if a girl/not a guy my age asks me out I will still probably say yes because I'm me#But it feels like the romance sub-plot/main plot is over for now#Now back to our regularly scheduled liking fictional women#I want Arlecchino to-
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#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good#or that it's getting better. i really do#i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess#cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them#and i could not tell you why#this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here#but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that#isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts#the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself#and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone#and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this#which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago#and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine#and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message#does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them#i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action#it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now#i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon#and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates#it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said#thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles#i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms#it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know#and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort#and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it#god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts#idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better
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Sometimes I think about how, back when the roster was much bigger, me and my old friend group all picked out WTL characters that we thought the others were the most like, and almost universally people thought Druid was the most like me. That probably should've been my first clue that none of them knew a single thing about me, but hindsight is 20/20
I also often think about how, after several days of going through things that had happened to me over the last four or so years, I was told 'You seem like a person who wants to be understood', and it hit me that until then, I had never met someone who ever really got me. Now that I have, I could never settle for less.
#for the record Sven is like two steps away from being my kinsona#like it's almost embarrassing lmao#i think between him and Leo (with his edits over the years) you can find 70-ish percent of what makes up me as a person#idk man I just. People think Im so aggressive and obtuse#and like. yeah when im backed into a corner im not the nicest#but i dont think anyone would be if they're in fight or flight mode and it feels dishonest to judge someone at their most vulnerable#but when im just like.... There and Alive and being my usual nerdy self#which is 99 percent of the time#i am just a Guy in a Room#and people assume the worst of me for it#like damn what about me is so evil and intimidating. please i want to be seen as soft and kind and genuine for once in my life#i wanna be able to express myself without it being seen as an attack or rude or aggressive#it wasnt until recently where i really started noticing this and by extension getting peeved about it#but i've been so mild-mannered and people-pleasing all my life because i was unknowingly compensating for how people view me#and even with all that bending over backwards it never worked anyway because I was still the weirdo at best and the aggressor at worst#And Im *tired* of that. I'm so tired of it.#I cannot in good faith keep trying to be this un-intimidating flower when people are only gonna see thorns regardless#nugget rambles#text.txt#vent tag#I'll go back to regularly scheduled shitposting soon#Also like clarity on Druid: I project some fears and traumas of mine onto him and he means a lot to me#but in terms of personality he is far nicer and resilient than I would ever be under such circumstances#Druid isn't me but he's someone I wish I had in my life when I needed it. He's someone I wish I could be
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