#trauma posting

[cry-baby6]

[takemetodragonstone]

I think the worst thing about having very vague/spotty memories because I was so young when it happened is feeling like I can’t ever fully accept that it DID happen. I will always second guess myself—even though the evidence is always with me (the body keeps the score, as they say). I will probably never tell anyone who knows him about it because what if I’m wrong?? What if I’m making up these flashes of “memory”, and seeing “signs” in my present self where there are none just because I want an easy answer that would explain the way that I am???

It would be such a horrible thing to accuse someone of if it wasn’t true. Especially family. Even just thinking it feels cruel and unfair to him sometimes. And there’s no way for me to get the truth unless he were to confess it to me himself.

I fantasize about that sometimes—I like to picture him apologizing to me at some kind of reunion, scared out of his mind that I’ll tell someone about it and ruin his life. Or even unapologetic, making jokes about it. At least then I would have confirmation. At least then I would have validation for the last twenty years of my life.

Anyway if anyone else feels like this, you’re not alone.

[wish-i-could-tell-u]

But you said you’d understand

[cutiealls]

[moderncassandra]

I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I FUCKING TRUSTED HIM

[sweet-fox-mari]

And sometimes it hits me, how deeply you cut me. The things you stole from me. The behaviors you left in me. I hate what you created, I hate what you did to me.

[yikes-ajax-thats-sad]

Please, please I'm sorry, I said something wrong didn't I? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me, I didn't mean to, I'll take it back, please don't yell at me. I'll do anything, just please don't hate me, I didn't mean to make you mad. It's not my fault, it's not my fault I swear. I'll take the brunt of your anger, I'll take anything from you, your hatred and bitterness, but please don't break me too much. You know I'm fragile. You know that, right? I'll take it, I'll take it good and I won't complain but please don't make me cry too much, my head already hurts so much and I've already spent a morning dry heaving, and I can't keep finding excuses to tell people for my absence. I just want to be loved, not this, but if this is love I will take every bit of it, just please don't be mad at me. My heart can't take it, don't you know it's already broken? I know you're not him but I find myself doomsday planning anyway. Please don't be mad.

What I actually say: ahah hey look at this picture of a cat holding carrots btw isn't that so funny

[sysmedsaresexist]

When the D in the DID sure do be working

[borderlesbian]

"ur trauma made u stronger"

wtf no, it absolutely did not, but hey at least it made me funnier 🚬

[abyzzalgu1tar]

You picked me out and ate me up

I thought that it was love.

How young and dumb I was.

Another victim of your opportunistic lust

Hands reaching out to touch, An unspoken disgust

Too soon to grow up.

[guurodoll]

thinking about how ren would be with an mc who's already been kidnapped/tortured before (totally not projecting). . .

part of me thinks he'd be sympathetic, that he'd understand, and not make them relive that trauma. then again another part of me thinks he'd still keep them, but he'd treat them better. no collar, no basement, no 'punishment'. i think he'd form a very demented bond with said mc, especially if they've also experienced some form of stockholm syndrome. (again, totally not projecting)

[wish-i-could-tell-u]

You said you won’t leave me no matter how bad it got

[ohwolfling]

I'm thinking of these conflicting feelings Shadowheart has about having feelings, in the face of a fractured childhood not just of child abuse but child torture...

I've always loved the fantastical element of Shar taking Shadowheart's memories to control her, Shadowheart rationalizing it as a test. It's a beautiful stand in for the ways memory is affected by childhood trauma and further by abusers' manipulation tactics.

Shadowheart is speedrunning some common things that happen post EMDR essentially... clearing up the bad stuff makes room for the good stuff but even the good stuff, feelings of safety, are categorized as so other by yourself and your physical body that it's still coated in the heaviness of everything else.

This made me reprocess how Shar describes herself when she finally stands before Shadowheart.

Shar knows that she is purely reactionary, that she offers nothing, cares for no one. It really resonates with real world abuse at the hands of those who are narcissistic with a cruel streak. Shadowheart has spent Act III feeling sudden pains and thinking, "are the Gods so petty?" The answer is yes.

Very meaningful- and yet another testament to how well Baldur's Gate 3 broaches its very adult story, it's ever entangling threads of trauma- is Shar's final statement being that of so many abusers, especially to justify pain and loss. "It's a lesson."

But the narrative doesn't leave Shadowheart to anguish. The Narrator, perhaps the one true god, lets you know this is bullshit.

THIS is how you let a survivor of child abuse be complex and layered, be responsible for their mistakes and healing, without victim blaming or forcing perfect victimhood on them. This is how you guide a protagonist in a playable narrative out of the many available tropes that try to weigh abusers and abused as equal or infantalize the victim to serve an ideal.

[scumashling]

Things Himeno from Chainsaw Man has in common with real life groomers I've encountered.

CW: mentions of SA, grooming, abuse, addiction, suicide

Himeno is extremely charming and witty individual

Himeno is well liked and respected in her peer group

Himeno is a very attractive woman, and people do not perceive her as threatening

Himeno has a reputation for being a Fun Girl

Himeno cares deeply for the people she considers her found family

Himeno identifies as “having a few screws loose” and likes people who are the same

Life has left Himeno with a lot of scars of both the physical and mental variety

Himeno is a high functioning alcoholic who binge drinks to cope with her trauma and every day stress alike

Himeno has had to put too many friends in the ground

Himeno is here for a good time and not a long time

Himeno is lonely, and spreads her addictions to others to feel less alone

Himeno doesn't feel in control of her life

Himeno feels like she's living on borrowed time

Himeno has touched a lot of lives in a positive ways and people like her because she's been good to them

Himeno is an adult who hangs out with multiple teenagers

Himeno is not violent,

Himeno is not harmless

Himeno behaves in a more sexually aggressive manner when when intoxicated

Himeno is a deeply broken adult trying to fill the gaping void in her soul with the attention of a child

When Himeno gets wasted and kisses a minor, her friends think its funny

Denji's friends do not protect him from Himeno because they have also been groomed

Himeno genuinely likes and enjoys Denji’s company

Part of reason Himeno likes Denji is because she knows he finds her very attractive

Himeno’s victim has been violently abused in the past

Himeno’s victim often doesn’t say no because people don’t listen when he does

Himeno is openly disdainful of a worse, more malicious sexual predator

Himeno does not want to hurt Denji. She still does.

Himeno does not think of herself as a predatory or manipulative person. She still is.

Himeno would say “I'm not a groomer, I'm just a loser.”

Himeno assaults a minor at her home when they are both drunk

After Himeno assaults him, Denji sleeps on the floor instead of her bed

Himeno has no memory of what she did to Denji

Himeno apologizes to Denji when she sobers up and they stay friends

Himeno chocks the assault up to a drunk mistake, and her victim doesn't contradict her

Himeno's victim bears no ill will towards her

When Himeno kills herself, it leaves good people in ruins

[cunthulu420]

Sorry I’m bad at expressing my feelings, during my most important developmental years I was consistently punished when doing so, and now as an adult I carry around the latent fear that I’ll be yelled/laughed at for genuine expressions of emotion, do you still think I’m hot?

🥺

👉🏼👈🏼

[poetrybyalfie]

burning at both ends

the flames lick the wax 

of my candles in the cake

and tear through 

my brain to

my 17th birthday,

a night spent

staring at you through a screen,

the light of my soul flickering

towards extinction

because you

blew out my candles prematurely

and no one

stepped in to tell me that

adults dont do that

to children. 

now everyone celebrates 

the ring on your finger

as i fight to celebrate

the age you once were because

how do i explain that 

my soul is now tied to someone

seven years older than me

who couldnt be committed to

signing a birthday card,

yet

sentenced me to

years of circular reasoning

stemming from all the times he

told me i seemed older than i was,

then left me for acting my age. 

i let the wax cascade into the frosting.

i lost my appetite.