#trauma shit

[screaming-heart]

when you’re healing, you will fuck up. maybe you’ll relapse, maybe you’ll do something you know is gonna hurt you, maybe you’ll deprive yourself of something you need, whatever. but healing isn’t linear, its wibbly wobbly and weird. you’re not terrible for messing up, you’re not terrible for not being ready to move forward, you’re not terrible for not being perfect. you still deserve healing, and you still deserve respect.

[borderlesbian]

"ur trauma made u stronger"

wtf no, it absolutely did not, but hey at least it made me funnier 🚬

[spoonie-support]

"One reason trauma survivors bond with each other so profoundly---which is different than a trauma bond---is because people who have been through certain things "speak" a different emotional "language" than the rest of humanity and we recognize that "language" when we hear it." (Dr. Glen Patrick Doyle)

[starryvomit]

i was taught from a very young age that the world is not safe.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

8/22/24

I did talk to my coach about the weirdness about self sabotaging after that dude hit on me.

& I will probably write about it here if ya'll don't mind.

Tw religious trauma

Probably some deep seeded religious trauma there. My parents were nutty granola evangelists.

When I was 16, I kissed my boyfriend.... my dad found out & I was terrorized by home Bible studies, lectures where I was forced to stand in the corner and get yelled at and grounded for a year and a half... until I turned 18.

And my boyfriend was younger, there was nothing happening there. He was a terrible kisser.

But the shame. Good god. I don't know how to absolve myself of the shame. I have been in mostly gay relationships ever since. Normally long ones.... but why do I feel so shitty when people perceive me as pretty?

I need to be able to be In public occasionally without running to a fucking buffet every time I get hit on. Even at my age, it is going to happen occasionally.

Being hit on does not make me anything. But my brain says I am a whore and the lowest being on the planet.

None of that is actually true. I am in a stable gay relationship with a gal I adore. We are celibate.

I am not a cheater & I haven't done anything wrong.

I was just raised by a dude who thought all women were inherently evil whores that were going to chest and lie.

A real misogynistic bastard. My mom was a steadfast, faithful woman. His issues were with his mother and his first girlfriend or something.

But those issues aren't mine.

I deserve a healthy life in a healthy body.

And I will have it, damn it.

[reimeichan]

trauma vent ahead

God there's this one ad that keeps playing whenever I scroll through the tumblr app where a girl is trying to play piano and her mother gets stupid and awful about it and hits her hand with a ruler and it's an ad for some fucking shitty vampire mobile game but it's so incredibly fucking triggering for me and I have no way to block it or even report the fucking ad and no matter how fast I scroll it's always the first half second that triggers the fuck out of me and I hate it so much. And like I doubt that ad would be that triggering for too many people but it sure is one for me and just fuck my life and fuck this shit

[slamophile]

why does trauma like just feel like an event that evented. i have cried over my trauma like twice.

[secretsideblogshhhh]

It's so wild to me that despite not having lived with our parents for over a year now, nearly 2, I still got triggered just slightly. But it was enough to make me panic and feel the need to hide while I ate.

So now I'm eating Mac n cheese in the dark, curled up behind the couch so that "I won't get caught"

Trauma really fucks you up :/

[pricklymuffinzzzzz]

love it when you start ur traumaversary week and you can’t feel anything but pain, not to mention it’s on Christmas my birthday and new years all together so silly!!🥳🥳

[cosmic-latt3]

probably going back to E///D inpatient, potentially as early as before Xmas. So that's fucking fun. Last time I was there they wouldn't let me outside for over a month because of my ""noncompliance"". I might be in SEED protocol this time (even though I don't meet the definition? I'm almost 30 but I've only had it 4 yrs. IDK why they said that so 🤞) so hopefully they'll be willing to give the barest accommodations to my other disabilities. Last time I had to advocate for myself to be able to... cross my legs at meals. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful I have access to one of the less bad programs in the country and probably the only one with mandatory masks 🎉 and hope to use this time to work on certain projects with fewer electronic distractions, and but... yea

[beforethepoison]

personal shit:

I remembered these days that when I was 12 years old was like one of the worst birthdays of my life. I think one day before my birthday, I told my parents I didn't want to have a party that year...And I don't remember if I explain why I didn't want it, but I know is that I felt like, since I was having some friends from different parts of my life, it was becoming hard for me to give attention to all of them, and the thought of gathering around was making me anxious. My parents were like "wtf?How come you don't want a party!" they were so furious. And to complete, I said; I also don't wanna go to school in my birthday day and I also think I didn't explain that but the reason why I didn't want to go was because I was already unpopular and in Brazil when someone makes a birthday they used to have a stupid song like "who will be? who will be? who will be who's going to marry to (say the name of the person)🎵 its up to....its up to, its up to (say the name of the other person) if they really want it too!🎵" and for a kid, this is like a nightmare because kids hate the idea of making you a couple with the stupidest kid around chosen by the popular kids...(and by stupid I dont mean dorky, I mean boring/annoying/chauvinist kid)....And thats why I didn't want to go to school. But my parents got so furious, we had a huge fight that night and when I woke up, I had to wake up early to go to the doctor I think with my dad, and he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until later of that day in a very dry way. Also I dont remember getting any present.

I may be an annoying kid but there was no reason for being so damn harsh to me.

Also, thinking about this now...Maybe my father was furious to have to take me to the doctor with him while my grandmother was doing something else and my mother working...I dont know if it was this....But it sounds very much like him.

The thing is that my mother didn't do anything....

I remember feeling so cruel for no reason at all.

[theydoesart]

TW (blood, fear)

I drew this as an idea for a painting for a “coming of age” sorta thingy at my church, and honestly the fear in this 5 minute sketch is on par with “in the woods somewhere” by Hozier so I had to share it for angsty reasons lol-

[spoonie-support]

[starryvomit]

“invalidated”

-S

[seaiswhereifindyou]

I want someone who I can share my life traumas with. Who will listen, empathize.

[catchinggmybreath]

I have always been second best. Third best. Twentieth best. I have never been the first choice. I have always been the third, fourth, fifth wheel. I was picked last in everything from sports to birthday parties. I was the weird one, who was only ever cared about because of the people i associated with. I only attended parties because my best friend was going to be there and they felt bad for me. I'm tired of being on the sidelines. I'm tired of being a background character. I'm tired of not feeling important.

I want to be loved, by many. I want to be good enough at what I do. I want to be beautiful, exceptional. I want to be chosen first, even if only once. I long to be wanted.