#tim drake shitposting

[glamourscat]

Carnal need to call Tim the cringiest, corniest, lamest nicknames

Cmere shnookie wookie pumpkin pie

G'morning Honey bunches krispy kreme oatmeal muffin

Sup Forehead

Etc

He will not know peace, it doesn't matter who's there

He will be subjected to the absolute word vomit that is his partner's nicknames

(I adore your writing sm💕)

sorry for the wait <3 i tried something new, a few snapshots

it starts innocently enough. you're half-asleep on the manor's couch when tim walks in and your brain-to-mouth filter is basically nonexistent.

"hey there, snuggle muffin rainbow sparkles," you mumble into the cushion.

tim freezes mid-step. jason, who's unfortunately (fortunately?) present, chokes on his coffee. His lips twitching in somewhat of a grin, or so you think. You're too tired and your eyes close again, last thing you hear is Jason's loud laugh echoing in the living room and Tim speaking but you couldn't make out what he was saying.

he is kinda cute when he blushes... this is your calling.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

"Good morning, my little strawberry shortcake vanilla bean pudding pop!" you say as you enter the batcave.

"it's... three in the afternoon," tim protests weakly.

"sorry, my precious cinnamon roll."

dick, in the background, is not sure if he should cry or laugh.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

"this has to stop," tim says, but he's fighting a smile.

you smile at him, going to hug him. "whatever you say, my darling dearest googly bear sunshine buttercup."

he pulls you close, sighing into your hair. "you're the worst."

"love you too, honey bun"

Legend says, somewhere in Gotham, jason todd is still laughing.

[oh23]

Jason is that one unemployed sibling who texts you weird shit at 3:27 pm on a Tuesday.

Like, Dick, sweating his ass off in his police uniform getting a text from Jason, which btw, extremely rare- and it's just a Twin tomato (two tomatoes grown as one ykwim) and captioned w "ur ass"

or Tim is in the middle of his board meeting and he gets an email from Red Hood and hes like stressing out chcking it only to find a pic of his apartment's kitchen's pantry asking "why dont you have salt?"

and then damian coming back from school to see his phone full of texts from Jason and it's all pics of ugly animals and every pic is captioned with "u" "u again" "wow u"

Bruce getting a morse code going "check phone" and it's a video of Jason flying away on an alien helicopter contraption with Roy yelling after him asking him to get down and jason saying he doesnt know how this shit works.

[gaywineauntsstuff]

The best part about DC canon being a sandbox is that you can combine different parts of different timelines into your Frankenstein ideal just to give Bruce Wayne more gray hairs

Observe

Bruce: Dick you know you’re 26 you can’t keep working as a gymnastics instructor on a volunteer basis you need a career.

Dick who has been working as a lawyer in nyc for 3 years now: hmmm yeah you’re totally right B maybe I’ll take some classes

Bruce: Tim you need to get your GED, I cannot allow you to give up on education at highschool.

Tim who got into ivy university and has been zeta-ing back and forth: …hmmm maybe I’m kinda busy

Bruce: I have no idea what Jason does in the day

Jason catholic priest Todd: … yeah I got nothing

-this shitpost was brought to you solely to remind everyone that JASON TODD WAS A CATHOLIC PRIEST IN ANOTHER DIMENSION THANK YOU

[churomo]

that one twitter redraw meme

[violent138]

There comes a time when the criminals prefer being taken in by Batman, because his kids go a little overboard:

Goon: "You won't kill me."

Cass: "You ready to bet your life on that?"

Duke: *tosses her the gun they took off the guy* "I would do what she says."

---------

Random thug: "Hey Batman doesn't kill--"

Damian: "Not like he's here. You're certainly not going to be able to tell him."

---------

Tim: "Well, accidents do happen. Shame." *starts to let go of the rope*

Guy dangling off the building: "No, no okay, okay, I'll tell you!"

---------

Steph: *clears throat*

Gang members: "We surrender!" *multiple guns fall to the ground*

Steph: "I see my reputation precedes me, wise choice."

---------

*Bruce gets chewed out by Gordon by the Batsignal because the rumours have spread so much, it kind of sounds like Batman's kids have been going around murdering people*

Bruce: "In my defense, it's only one of them."

Gordon: "What."

Bruce: *realizes he never filled Gordon in on Red Hood*

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred gets sick of Bruce breaking and losing stuff on patrol so he gets a label maker and starts naming items after the kids

Alfred: I got you a new phone, just like you asked. Its name is Jason. Try not to let it die.

Bruce, tearing up: Why would you say that—

[demonicsuffrage]

It's so wild when you think about how much of a shift the batkids had after they were adopted by Bruce, because NONE had a sibling and were like-

Dick, who accidentally walked into Tim's room, spotting the robin shrine he has there:

Tim: ...I can explain

Dick, walking out: Nevermind! It's my fault for wishing for siblings when I was a kid

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason: Who the hell tweeted 'skibidi toilet rizz' 56 times from my twitter?!

Tim, salty about the titans tower incident, laptop in hand still open to Jason's twitter account:

Jason:

Jason: I wish Bruce had adopted a puppy instead of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, fuming after Bruce got them a shared hotel room on a vacation: I miss the days when I was an only child

Tim: Didn't your mom make like two thousand clones of you?

Damian: I would've preferred sharing my inheritances with all 2000 of them instead of you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick, entering his room at the manor after a patrol and spotting Duke on his bed and immediately shrieking: BRUCE, THERE'S A RANDOM KID IN MY ROOM

Bruce: Dick, this is your newest brother, Duke

Dick: And you gave him my room?!

Duke: Wow, the colour scheme in here is so 80s

Dick: Consider me and you estranged from now on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Jason, unblock your brother, he is currently crying in the living room because of it.

Jason, had blocked Dick after the thirst trap Dick posted got over 100k views on tiktok and now everyone and their sibling was asking for Dick's number: What brother? I identify as an only child.

[everwalldigan]

Dick and Tim eating breakfast in silence:

Tim: so what was the Great Depression like

Dick: it was fine.

[clingonlikeclingwrap]

Love TimBernKon bc usually ships have opposing dynamics but with those guys it’s just

[ktkat99]

Jason comes back from the dead, except he doesn't get taken by the league and is left to wander Gotham. He remembers dying in another country and ends up believing that he's still dead, but his afterlife just looks like the place he knows best.

He hangs around town for a bit before heading up to the manor. He then runs into Dick, who is shocked to see him. Jason misinterprets this and assumes that Dick is shocked to be dead and tries to act as his spirit guide.

[cosmicpoutine]

that's rich coming from you, tim

[the-witchhunter]

Kon, having just found out one of Tim’s contingencies for him involves turning him into a worm

Kon: …

Kon: Hey Tim? Wo–

Tim: yes I’d still love you if you were a worm

Kon: I’m oddly okay with this plan

[timothvy]

based on a picture i saw on twitter

[shyjusticewarrior]

Steph: The sexual tension between two gas stations on the same intersection.

Duke: I'm so sick of this shit.

Duke: Two gas stations can't even be on the same block without some walnut shipping them, while I can't find a single fic for Denny's/Applebee's with Denny's bottoming.

Tim: You're literally out of your mind if you think Denny's isn't a top.

Jason: I wish the 2012 apocalypse actually happened.

[colbycheeseslice]

Seriously, where is he?

[violent138]

Duke: "Bad news guys, he managed to give me the slip."

Tim: "How? Okay, who's got eyes on him?"

Damian: "He's just... gone."

Tim: "Hood?"

Jason, eating takeout: "Stop hacking my comms for this, I'm not even there!" *leaves the channel*

Steph: "Negative from me, I've been tailing some whole other guy."

Tim: "Nightwing?"

Dick, in a whole other city, on the computer, barely listening: "I already told Alfred I left the keys in the--"

Tim: "Thanks anyways. Orphan?"

Cass:

Tim: "Well shit. Everyone, we need to find him now."

Kate, spotting Bruce holding someone's black-haired baby at the Gala and immediately taking the baby from him: "No."

Kate, pressing a hand to her earpiece: "I got him just in time. Don't give me those puppy dog eyes Bruce, you can't even keep all your kids' names straight anymore."

Tim: "Phew, crisis averted everyone, good work. But remain vigilant."

Jason: "Tim, I swear to God--"