#they HATE bruce

[frownyalfred]

thinking about how the Batkids must be SO tired of the Batman hero worship from the other Titans, JL members, sidekicks, etc. there's people literally falling over themselves to meet Batman in a Watchtower hallway, meanwhile they actually know Bruce, and Bruce just made them memorize backup codes to all of their major security systems in the Cave for three hours because Hal Jordan made an offhanded hacking joke at their League meeting earlier that day.

[arkangelo-7]

Lex Luthor hates Superman, Lex Luthor hates the Justice League, bla bla bla… You know who Lex must really hate? Bruce Wayne.

Because he knows that bitch is Batman. He’d worked it through that big brain of his and he’s without a doubt certain that the same idiot who spilled champagne on him last New Year’s Eve moonlights as the Batman.

But he can’t fucking prove it. So he’s resigned to a lifetime of having to make stilted conversation filled with double meaning while Brucie just flutters his eyelashes and pretends to be a ditz. And Lex just has to sit there and take it, because Bruce knows that Lex knows and absolutely uses that knowledge to fuck with Alex at every opportunity—he says the absolute shittest, godawful pickup lines and flirts to his heart’s content, knowing full well that he helped Superman kick Lex’s ass last week and that Lex knows it was him.

[prlssprfctn]

Batsiblings convince Jason to get himself a cooking Tiktok account, and he gives in. To his surprise, he quickly gains millions of followers and a loyal auditory. The only problem? Jason has no idea that these people came here not necessary for recipes.

Jason: Geez, my followers had been pissing me off lately.

Dick, confused: Huh? Why?

Jason: They keep commenting ATE. Like, dude? Fucking where? I am not eating in my cooking videos. What is the fucking point?

Tim, choking: Oh my fucking God-

Jason, making an angry text post for his followers: YOU ALL. STOP COMMENTING "RAW". MY MEAT IS NOT RAW. I AM A PROPER COOK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Cassandra: Maybe it is time to tell him...

Tim, Steph, Duke, in unison: NO

Bruce, awkwardly trying to have a conversation with Jason: Hey, lad, how is your cooking blog is going?

Jason: Uh, people keep commenting cryptid messages. Like, the last time I was showing the right way to tenderise meat for chops because apparently it wasn't clear and someone requested the whole video? Anyway, I did it, and the whole comment section was writing me "in bed, on the floor, on the couch, on a chair, against the wall, against the window, against the door"... Like, why would I do that, not in the kitchen?

Bruce, no less clueless: Maybe it some kind of challenge. Kids love trying new stuff in extreme places nowadays.

Jason: Huh. Maybe. Thanks.

Bruce, just proud to have a proper conversation and somehow a help: Anytime, Jaylad!

Damian, who was unblissfully educated on the slang matter by Tim (because it was his responsibility as a big brother to traumatise him), with his eye twitching: ...None of these words were in Quran

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Dick (Nightwing) and Jason (Robin) stare at Bruce. One sports pleading eyes, the other a shit eating grin. There’s a child between them with black hair and blue eyes.

Bruce, he doesn’t know what’s happening but he doesn’t like it: No.

Dick, grinning: He’s our younger brother now.

Jason, nodding seriously: You’re not gonna take him from us.

Tim, got kidnapped while taking photos of patrol, just happy to be there: Where’s the Batcave?

Bruce: what.

Dick, grinning wider: He’s ours now.

[everwalldigan]

Dick, on the phone with Roy: I just think that Bruce actually hates me and doesn’t stand to be around me ever

Bruce, standing behind him wearing nightwing socks, nightwing cap, nightwing pants, “father to worlds best son” t-shirt, trying to hide a huge reprint of a picture of him and Dick he brought for Dicks new apartment behind his back:

[farshootergotme]

Damian can't use the "you're not my dad" card with Bruce so he instead says "you're not my Batman". It works like a charm.

[erinwantstowrite]

uhhhhhhhh smth smth gay gay title

i have not slept and it's like 2AM and im now feeling tired but i locked tf in to draw this i just HAD to finish before bed i will be more coherent tomorrow anyways. gay superbat. have

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*

[brie-annwyl]

Jason and Damian meeting at the league but Batfam doesn’t know Jason’s alive is one of my favourite fanfic tropes.

Dick, in his hoe era talking about getting beat tf up by some girl’s boyfriend: I genuinely thought the dude was gonna kill me! I was framed, I swear! Istg someone must’ve planted a strawberry handkerchief on me or something.

Damian, barely listing: was that an Othello reference?

Tim: how did you know that? I didn’t even catch that.

Damian: it was ja- *long pause ensues*

Tim: is his programming malfunctioning?

Dick: Ja??

Damian, brain farting: yep. “Ja”

*frantically messaging Jason saying he almost broke his cover*

—

Damian, annotating Jason’s old copies of the classics: I forgot how much of an idiot you were back then. *takes sticky note off page* “RIP queen, this is actually so depressing.” Yeah, Ophelia just died. Way to state the obvious.

Dick: ??

Damian:

Damian: I’m a medium. He-uh, talks to me.

Dick: oh okay- wait. What?

—

Damian, sneaking back into the manor after having a visit with Jason: *tip toeing his way to the stairs*

Bruce, waiting in the living room with a lamp: Damian, Where were you?

Damian, who can’t improv for shit: uh-

Bruce: *eyebrow raise*

Damian: I was kidnapped by red hood *runs upstairs*

—

Bruce, in his feels era: I wish jaylad was around to see this.

Damian, not thinking: can we not just ask him to come over?

Bruce:

Damian:

Bruce: what-

Damian: we can use a ouija board. That’s how I communicate with him.

Bruce, concerned: what???

[gaywineauntsstuff]

Dick ‘has been a barista like 90 times over 50 years of comics Grayson’ can absolutely prepare whatever drink you want him too. He can also guess/ judge what your go to order is.

With the bats

He can guess what WILL be there favorite even if they’ve never tried it before

——————

Bruce on 13 mins of sleep fucking exhausted but even Alfred isn’t giving him shit bc they HAVE TO crack this case: hrn

Dick plopping a take away coffee cup in front of him: DRINK

Bruce goes through a quick is this my son or a shapeshifter, mind control, demon situation before deciding fuck it we ball and taking a sip: this… tastes different

Dick: yeah

Bruce ‘actual freak who grumbles when coffee isn’t bitter enough’ Wayne: this is good

Dick: yeah it’s a red eye

Bruce: hrn

Dick: yeah no problem B

——————

Jay (just got done fighting aliens and needs to get back to whatever he was doing before) : get me a Drink as black as my soul

Dick: sure

Dick brings back the drink from the kitchen

Dick: strawberry iced matcha with oat milk right here for you

Jay: what the fuck Goldie

Dick: I saw you sobbing at the notebook a week ago don’t play tough with me and don’t fucking lie we both know you like tea more.

Jay sputtering: Don’t PLAY TOUGH? BROTHER I PUT A BUNCH OF HEADS A BAG AND MADE THE UNDERWORLD INTO MY BITCH

Dick: yes yes Jay now go drink your tea and run along

(It is the best fucking thing he’s ever tried, bought a matcha making kit as soon as he got him, has denied it ever since but Dick doesn’t buy it and keeps making him the drink)

—————-

Tim:

Dick:

Tim:

Dick:

Tim:

Dick: you’re a heathen

Tim: proudly

Dick: fine take the monster and go OH MY GOD

————————

Steph wincing at the taste of a latte: there’s something seriously wrong with this place, no matter how much sugar I add it’s just bitter

Dick: yeah Steph it’s bc they burn the beans to get more use of em

Dick: you could add all the cream and milk you want it’s not gonna do shit

Steph: ugh this is the only coffee spot on my campus in so screwed

Dick pulling out a takeaway coffee cup: don’t worry I brought you some from home

Steph: Jesus fuck this is delicious

Dick: upside down sweet almond latte with caramel and double espresso

Steph: should’ve married into the family with Tim god damn

Dick: Cass is still an option

Steph: what

Dick: what

——————————-

Dick:

Duke:

Dick:

Duke:

Dick: you’re one of Tim’s heathens aren’t you

Duke: just because I like energy drinks more doesn’t mean I don’t LIKE coffee

Dick grumbling: should’ve left you with the cops

Duke: what was that? I didn’t hear you

Dick thrusting the coffee cup at him: just take it, end my suffering

Duke: oh damn that’s good… what is it

Dick:…. It’s Vietnamese style coffee

Duke: fuck I might I have to switch, Jesus that’s good

Dick vaguely smug: another victory

—————

Dick: hey Cass

Cass: busy… like you should be

Dick: yeah, yeah I have like 6 mins of free time left before I have to meet up with Robin (Tim) for an op

Dick: anyway i made you strawberry hot chocolate

Cass: this isn’t coffee

Dick: it has 180 milligrams of caffeine

Cass: how?

Dick: don’t ask difficult questions

Dick: where the hell did she go?

Dick: is this how everyone else feels about us?

——————

Damian: I want coffee

Dick: you’re an infant, no

Damian: IM 15 GRAYSON

Dick: a certifiable baby

Damian: I hate you

Dick: you would hate me more if you stunted your growth and ended up Tim sized

Tim: HEY!

Damian: this is true… apologies Richard

[ditzybat]

Maps: So, how did you come into this family anyway?

Jason: Bruce lured me into his proverbial white van with some candy.

Bruce: Please don’t word it like that.

Jason: Fine. He Pretty Woman’d me

Bruce: That’s worse, please tell me you understand how that’s worse.

[starspilli]

dc cowboy doodles & wips !

[prlssprfctn]

Bruce: I never got to see Dick's first reaction to the alcohol, because he tried it before as a kid. Same with Jason, he drank it without me being around. Tim got on his first party with alcohol behind my back.

Bruce: But at least I have Damian. Can't wait for his 21st birthday.

Dick: Yeah, I bet he would have a funny reaction, too!

Jason, sweating nervously, because he made little Damian sip on beer back when they were in the LoA: Y-yeah. C-can't wait.

[arguablysomaya]

this picture is pretty funny because bruce is destroying slade but my guy ur expensive ass home is this only thing keeping u from being in the exact same position 😭

[saintofsacrilege]

listen i love timber(n) and i fully believe that, as an actually CANON mlm ship, they deserve more support and appreciation than they’ve gotten. i also think that timberkon is a great way to put some respect on bernard’s name while also embracing the timkon subtext that dc has been feeding us for years.

that being said, though—the idea of tim being in a situationship with both kon and bernard only for kon and bernard to cut out the middle man and just start dating each other is SO funny to me. like:

tim: *justifiably screaming, crying, throwing up*

jason: damn nobody wants u frfr

dick: BE NICE he’s going through it 🙄

jason: he fumbled TWO guys who then proceeded to date EACH OTHER and leave him in the dust 💀💀

dick: oh lmao well ig that IS embarrassing 💀💀

damian, awakened by the commotion: drake this is pathetic. pull yourself together

bruce, entering the room: it’ll be okay, tim. trust me, i know a thing or two about fumbling baddies 😔

tim: *cries even harder*

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.