#there was a time in my life when i was going through years of abuse and felt like i had no way out of that

[mutatedtruth]

@glitter-soda

This is inaccurate information.

From the article:

“Clinicians date pregnancy from the first day of your last period, to help predict the due date. But you’re not pregnant for those first two weeks,” says Fleischman. So someone with a six-week pregnancy may have very little time after a missed period to get abortion care in states with a six-week limit.

So the above photo is actually 4 weeks post-conception (after the sperm and egg meet)

Here are some photos of 4 week old human embryos:

(source)

(source)

(source)

(source)

Here is what a human embryo looks like at 6 weeks post-conception

(source)(gallery)

Here is a website with a timeline of fetal development, including real photographs. All ages referenced to fertilization, not last menstrual period.

Get out a ruler and see how big that ⅛ and ½ inch are. They are visible to the naked eye. This article claims otherwise.

The Guardian article is phrased very manipulatively. Under each photograph they say that these are the gestational sacs and supporting tissues for pregnancy. Only one photo claims to show the embyro, at 9 weeks from the start of the woman's last period.

Some women have irregular menstrual/ovulation cycles. This patient could have ovulated "late" and have it counted as a nine week pregnancy according to these anti-abortion laws. While other women could ovulate "early" and the embryo would appear much more developed at nine weeks.

If you're following the average formula that this article gives (-2 weeks), then the age would be counted as 7 weeks post-fertilization. Here are some photos of embryos this age:

(source)

(source)

(source)

I think everyone should go into this with open eyes. Do not accept false information, even if the people giving it claim to be "on your side", even if it would make you feel better to believe. I support women's right to abortion. I don't support the falsification of biological fact.

I had a misoprostol abortion at 9 weeks post-conception. The fetus had a face and little hands, which matched up with the photos shown on the EHD website.

(face)

(hands)

(source)

I don't regret it. But I think you all need to accept the reality of death. Don't delude yourself or try to hide it. Accept it face on. There are circumstances where you will have to choose to prioritize your life over another person's, for your own good, or else you will suffer. I don't think a fetus is equivalent to a born person, but it's still "alive". You can feel it when you're pregnant. I think the anti-abortionists who eat animal-meat are hypocrites in this manner. They choose all the time to prioritize their life over another's. So why should this be different?

(I'm not vegan either. I've shot a deer. I eat meat.)

You have to decide for yourself if it's better to die a simple, quick death; or to endure years of suffering, poverty, and abuse. That was the choice I made.

The misoprostol abortion was also extremely painful - the worst pain I've felt in my life thus far. I worry that women who are being shown these fluffy amorphous images of tissue are going to go into an abortion thinking it's a piece of cake, when at 9 weeks post-conception there really is a larger object that has to pass through the cervix.

Don't let other people's twisted sense of morality & martyrdom distract you from what's real.

[ahappydnp]

so sorry but ive seen two different things about this now and im very lost, why did people think they were breaking up/broke up in 2012??? pls help me understand, wise keeper of the lore. thank u so much

response under the cut for general 2012 discussion/too long

basically 2012/2013 used to get (and sometimes still is) generalized as this dark and awful time period where dnp "hated" each other and us, when in actuality it was two very young very scared closeted queer people who were in the process of several major life changes at once while also dealing with a new exploding fan base

there's a few big things from that "era" that people talk about:

deleting old posts- around this era dnp deleted a ton of old tweets/formsprings/dailybooths that could read as them being in a relationship. they were blowing up online and had more eyes on them than ever before, not to mention had just starting working with the BBC (where being queer would have greatly affected their careers). also keep in mind dan was still in the closet to EVERYONE, and now he's got tons of fans going through his accounts and sending shit to HIS LITTLE BROTHER on tumblr asking if dan's gay. anyway people decided them deleting early tweets meant they had broken up

dan's customerservice tumblr blog- in the middle of them blowing up and people finding all these old posts, dan in an effort to control the narrative, makes a new blog for people to anonymously ask him questions (: which went about as well as you can imagine for an extremely defensive closeted 20 year old with undiagnosed depression. basically he said some unfortunately things out of fear

the video leaked again- won't get too much into that because of the subject matter, but the yeah the video leaked for the second time except this time way more people saw it/shared it and dnp actually had to respond to it this time. which is. just fucking awful and heartbreaking all around.

phil persona- basically this was the birth of the amazingphil persona that'd follow phil to the quiff era. he became more sanitized and less personable than original phil fans were used to (which got romanticized into uwu he's sad because he and dan broke up and now he's shutting down)

"no homo"- pretty self explanatory...people asked if they were gay (every single day constantly on every platform) and they would say no because what else are they going to say. this one particular vyou where dan's actually trying to make people think kills me (x) god he was so young. but they'd also started doing the "omg i don't want to see you naked/ew people want us to kiss" and the infamous "you need a girlfriend" "my future wife" etc etc.

the breakup rumors mostly stemmed from and became popular/ treated as fact by younger fans who kind of saw them as these fictionalized characters (which i mean not to blame them because they were literal children and youtubers were still so new that people did treat them like tv show characters you could be friends with). it also got turned into more sinister theories like the "dan is abusing phil" ones and "phil is actually gay but dan isn't and just used phil for attention and fame in 2009"

there was also factors like them moving to london in 2012 (and people were CONVINCED they'd stop being friends in london??), people thinking them getting popular would mean they'd get girlfriends like other popular youtubers (shoutout danrific shippers), and most importantly just them sharing less about their personal lives with their audience. like of course they're not going to live tweet their day/location anymore when people are showing up at their house and trying to find their families.

basically, dnp were putting boundaries between themselves and their fans, but the fans interpreted it as putting distance between each other. in actuality the 2012/2013 era was full of some really amazing memories and content and things people loved (literally the photobooth challenge is from 2013!! sleeping phil saying i hate you is from 2012!!!)

in conclusion, imagine building a forever home with your ex lmao

[ngage2003]

Hi I love your mh character analysis posts they are so GOOD, would you be able to do more about Tim pretty please :]

First of all, Thank you :-)! Second of all, yeah I have some things I can say about Tim, though a bit funnily, they are a bit discoordinated compared to some of my other analyses.

After all, out of all the characters in Marble Hornets, Tim Wright is the one we know most about, as his life is laid out for us pretty definitely over the course of the series. Because of this, my focus tends to be on his metaphorical other half, Masky, but I do have some things to say about the two of them and their upbringing, and a few unanswered questions which I will try to satisfactorily put my pen to.

⟦content warning: discussions of child abuse/dangerous households, suicide, hospitals, and wildly off the rails theorycrafting⟧

Alright, so why is Tim a system? This is a question some of you may raise your eyebrow at if you're unfamiliar with DID but stick with me here. We know that Tim only started being taken by the Operator and having seizures in 1995, when he was a child, but over seven years old. (I'll get into how we know this later.) We as a society honestly don't know a lot about Dissociative Identity Disorder and its sisters but one thing we do know is it is caused by extensive stress/trauma inducing dissociation in a extremely young childhood, usually under the age of seven if not even younger, where the mind dissociating from trauma to protect itself causes it to fail to coalesce/develop properly into one identity. That is the main theory behind how DID forms, and given that Tim is only seeming to be extensively exposed to the Operator at seven, but would that be enough for Tim to develop DID? Alex didn't develop it, despite also being hinted at having been exposed to it at the same age.

Note: In enttry #37, we see a home video of Alex at 6 years old in 1991, with heavy Operator distortion implying that it has somehow corrupted this tape and/or was here. This combined with the fact Alex repeatedly goes to a playground to confront/find the Operator in my opinion more or less guarantees that he saw it as a young child. This makes sense especially considering the original "Something Awful" forum pictures in my opinion. Alex's backstory with the Operator basically directly references them, which would make sense since they literally inspired the series.

Granted, you could just hand wave this or go "ok but who cares, they probably weren't even trying to make a character with DID," and yeah, you're right, but I want to actually look at Tim's character and explore his childhood a bit to try to understand it, especially in relation to this fact.

Our main fount of information in relation to Tim's childhood is Entry 66 and Entry 60.5. I am going to start with the latter, for a few very specific reasons.

See, in Entry 60.5, we actually get to see 5 of Tim's medical documents, not just one. This is a fact that is seemingly forgotten a lot by the fandom, and I wanted to get into it for my speculation.

The first document we see though is a Pediatric Admissions Profile from December 12th 1995, followed up by a Pediatric Admissions Assessment of the same year at 11:45 A.M. I do not believe these records are from his institutionalization, but rather a hospital visit that directly proceeded it, one that was probably caused by Tim having a seizure at home and needing to go to the hospital, but lets take this one step at a time.

These Admissions forms explain that Tim's conditions and symptoms at his time of admittance, ones we know well as products of Operator exposure. They also give us a precious piece of information that never comes up again though.

Tim's mom's name.

Janet Wright answers all the questions on the Pediatric Admissions Profile, and it is through her answers that we learn several facts, like that Tim has completed 2nd grade at the time of these papers, (meaning he is probably in 3rd,) and that he is on an anti-convulsant, along with the fact he has a history of falls, apparently needs/has glasses, has emotional barriers to learning, that someone has smoked in the house in the past year, and that Tim lives at home alone with her.

This is something reaffirmed on the PA Assessment, which was probably something that either a nurse or his Psychiatrist filled out by asking Tim himself questions.

Under Category 5., Assistance required for Care, there is a part where it says that for emotional support, "Child relys on: Mother (✓) Father ( ) Sibling ( )". Additionally, it also says asks, "who else besides parents might be staying with child?" Which is answered with a Not Applicable, along with the question, "has your family had any recent changes in your life? (moved, divorce, birth, death, new job, etc.)" Which is also answered with a no.

It continues, and we learn from it that Tim has poor orientation to time along with his chronic headaches, as well as signs and symptoms of depression, as well as that he struggles to engage with peers his age and doesn't have/begin hobbies.

Most importantly though, it is mentioned that his condition isn't affected by his household, which could refer to simply his seizures, but I think is important to mention given his depressive symptoms. At least in this moment, it doesn't seem like to the person doing the assessment that Tim is depressed due to his mom.

(Though that can be hard to pick up on but regardless.)

We also learn that he experiences high risk on a Fall Assessment Scale, as he is checked off as "confused, disoriented, hallucinating, combative," and having a history of "syncope, seizures,"—which is underlined—"postural hypotension".

I believe he only really started to have seizures this year though, as it is mentioned under "Plan of Care" that he ran away from home two "somethings" ago before being found at Rosswood, which I believe to be weeks or months. (If it was two years, why still mention it here?) I don't think that Tim ran away though, but rather, was taken and teleported by the Operator and Operatortured, an event that left him having chronic seizures. After all, despite Jay being exposed to the Operator for years, we only see him begin to have those only after the Operator snatches him in Entry 72. I think this snatching/possible Operatorture is key in it inducing/beginning to induce seizures.

Moving on though, two of the next three documents are from the same day, with both being from 7/8/02.

The first (Delayed Therapy Communication Form) that we are shown being filled out at 15:10 or 3:10 PM, and the second being an assessment (Suicide/Self-Harm Assessment Tool) that was filled out at 8:45 in the morning, probably by hospital staff in preparation for therapy later in the day. On the latter, Tim was left with a rather high suicide risk score, and a comment of supposedly untrustworthy answers.

There is a document that Jay reads sandwiched between these two though, from 1/10/Year Redacted. It is a Brief Operative Progress Note, about a procedure seemingly in relation to an unmedical wound with a ton of redacted information, and based on placement and the fact "Hoody" purposefully arranged the papers like this, I believe he was trying to imply to Jay that this was a suicide attempt by Tim at the start of 1996, which led to his hospitalization.

-

Wow. Ok. That was a lot. Let's summarize and break down the facts though.

At the end of 1995, Tim Wright is being raised by his single mother, Janet Wright, with it being unclear if his dad was ever in the picture. Tim was probably in 3rd grade at the end of 1995, which puts him at around eight to nine years old. At this point, he seemingly had a history of seizures, but around this time he also started showing symptoms of depression, hallucinations and even supposedly "ran away" from home at one point.

It seems like Hoody, based on how he organized these papers, seems to want us to think that at the start of 1996, Tim had either a suicide attempt, or a violent episode that could've been misconstrued as a suicide attempt.

Note: Personally, I think it was misconstrued. I say this because well, we know how the Operator can warp reality, and in Entry 66 Tim says, "My mom [sent me inpatient] when I was really young, but she never told me exactly why," and that the doctors seemingly gossiped about the fact he had violent episodes and hallucinations which led to him being institutionalized, which he doesn't remember. Of course, maybe Tim was just lying to Jay and leaving stuff out, but based on the rest of this scene and everything else he says, I find that unlikely. I think it is possible that Masky tried to defend himself and Tim from the Operator and got hurt in the process, and due to his lack of verbality and strange/differing behavior from Tim's, it was interpreted as a violent and/or suicidal episode cause by a hallucination. Either way, none of this does align with the fact the wound is "clean," but that could be more about it not being infected and/or recent than a clean cut.

Either way, after this, in conjunction with advice from doctors and the stress of caring for a mentally ill child and hospital visits/bills, Janet Wright admitted Tim into inpatient care.

It is after this point, (based on dialogue from Entry 66,) that we know Tim sort of fell out with his mother, as she "wasn't really around" for him to ask things. I can't say why she distanced herself from him, and honestly that is where my sympathy runs dry for her, but we know based on what Tim doesn't say that he more or less didn't have any family. His mother was probably raising him on her own, and her decision to put him inpatient probably had to do with the fact she just couldn't care for him and genuinely thought it would be better/safer.

Ok. Cool. Unfortunately, still none of this answers the question as to why Tim is a system. Based on all this supplementary evidence though, I do have two kind of routes/ideas I could see as possible/likely which I want to share, so pick your poison.

A】 Janet Wright was neglectful, either by accident or on purpose.

Neglect can cause DID, especially severe emotional neglect causing a disruption in child development, and if Tim's dad was never in the picture, along with the stresses of being a single mom, it could be hard for Ms Wright to meet Tim's needs. Maybe she didn't even want to be a parent, but found out she was pregnant to late, and so decided to "give it a shot."

The real mold in the juice box for this theory though is the fact that Tim's medical records (Pediatric Admission Assessment, Page 2, 6. Abuse/Neglect/Exploitation Screen) answers no to "evidence of neglect by caretakers." Granted however, this is when Tim is in 3rd grade, and it can be hard to always pick up on emotional neglect. Perhaps it could be misconstrued as depressive symptoms for example, and Tim's issues with starting hobbies and connecting with peers could be due to him not being properly socially met/developed growing up, but honestly I am unsure how I fully feel about this theory.

What it comes down to is just that, besides knowing she smokes regularly, we don't know much about Janet Wright, and while she fell out of touch with Tim, that could be for literally any number of reasons. Demonizing her or deifying her both kind of make me grimace. Maybe she blames herself for his condition and her guilt drives her away, and after a while she felt it would be wrong of her to go back after abandoning Tim in the first place. Maybe she just never wanted a kid and took the option to ditch him. The point I am getting at is we just don't know.

Which is what brings me to theory two.

B】 Tim's dad was in some way abusive, causing Janet to leave him to protect Tim but leaving him with trauma.

It would explain why Tim's dad isn't in the picture in a way that feels concrete, and why Tim never tried to reach out to his dad's side along with why he has DID. Maybe too, if Janet was in an abusive relationship, that somehow got in the way of her reaching out to her side of the family, which is why Tim never did either and why she didn't have any help for raising him and dealing with his conditions.

I don't really have much to say on this one either, but it would explain why there isn't direct evidence of neglect along with why his mom isn't blamed for his depressive symptoms by the doctor and why Tim said in his Assessment that he relies on his mom for emotional support. That is because he does, but they were just unfortunately in a situation for a while where he couldn't properly get it.

Sure, she probably isn't perfect, but in this reading she does care for him, and did try to get him a better life.

I think this would especially make sense when you consider the fact that Masky, Tim's protector alter, has a feminine presentation.

Often alters formed in especially early youth will take heavy direct inspiration from their environment, especially parents. Maybe since Tim's mom did protect him some of the time and eventually got him away from his dad, this idea of her and by extension femininity as a whole being this unstoppable, almost deified force of nature stuck with him on a subconscious level. She was fierce and seemed impenetrable, especially to a little kid who idolizes their caregiver in the face of abuse, and I think that influenced why Tim's brain made a protector like Masky that is simultaneously feminine aligned out of the blue and so aligned with defending people/defensive violence.

Because yes, Masky is violent, and often they do threaten/attack Alex with "Hoody," but that could easily be because they remember the fact Alex attacked them in Entry 56/57 along with stuff like the fact "Hoody" most likely told them about how Alex killed him and needs to be taken care of. They know Alex is dangerous, and so a lot of their actions are protective or in an attempt to save other people.

Like, in Entry 35, their motives can be hard to read, yes, but if they just wanted to fight someone they could have easily gone for Jay instead of running past him to get Alex. I actually think they could've easily been waiting here because they knew Alex was following Jay and this was the last place Jay was, and they wanted to stop Alex from getting to him because he could (and literally does) try to kill Jay. Along with this incident, they stop Alex from shooting Jay and Jessica in Entry 52, and seemingly distract him while those two escape and drive away to safety. They also act to protect/save Jessica from the Operator and Alex with Hoody in Entry 76. They also seemingly only stop directly working with Hoody after he hurts Tim, i.e. causing him to have a seizure to trigger them out, which Masky seeming to sever their partnership over.

Listen, there's no answer as to why Masky is feminine, and maybe there doesn't need to be, but based on how DID works and Masky's general behavior, to me it is obvious that they took subconscious inspiration from something, and I think it could be how their mom protected them and Tim.

Note: This is not to say Masky and Tim have a maternal/parental relationship, even if Masky is partially based on their mom in an abstract sense. In my opinion, they have a relationship almost similar to like, how siblings will go through trauma together and be bonded by that fact because they wholly understand what the other person is going through, or how a slightly older child might try to take care of a younger one and be parent-ified but still while not holding the authority and control of a parent, though obviously different because they're a system. I guess my main point though is that they're equals, and Masky loves Tim very much. Masky does have some power over Tim because they cause amnesia when they front during traumatic episodes and accidentally puts him in danger sometimes, but ultimately they have a more push-pull relationship to me, even if Tim isn't aware of it. Because, even if Masky does front sometimes, Tim is usually the one in control almost all of the time. But really that's another post I could make lmao.

Either way, whatever way you think Tim got DID, one thing is clear. His life fucking sucks.

-

If you want my personal belief on what his childhood is like, taken with a bit of salt, I don't think Janet Wright is purely innocent, (she could've very easily been incidentally neglectful given the vagueness of the circumstances,) but I do think that Tim's dad could have been a shithead if only because of how it parallels my Alex headcanons and I like that, along with Masky being based on their mom aesthetically to some extent.

(As a system, I loveee system weirdness.)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed.

[peanutbutterandbananasandwichs]

do u have hcs for sams post canon family life

Ok so gonna preface this with the fact that I hold opinions that I think are relatively uncommon in this corner of Samblr which is that as a general overarching thing Sam was relatively happy, he and blurry partner stayed together and were mostly happy, and Sam was on the whole a pretty good dad. Not that everything was perfect, far from it, but that generally it all worked out ok. I feel this way mostly tbh because if I didn't I would genuinely struggle to get any enjoyment out of the finale. I'm a FAKE Sam suffering enjoyer lmao. It's already deeply fucking depressing to me to imagine Sam spending eternity in heaven with Dean being squished back into The Roles, I need SOMETHING so cling too lol.

ANYWAYS that being said:

Said this before but although I am fairly flexible on identity of blurry partner my personal favourite thing to come back to is that she is Amelia. So I'm gonna run with her for the rest of these.

Related to this is that I think when we see Sam leave the bunker in the finale to go on the hunt in Texas that ended up being the last time he ever returned. He didn't mean it to be, it just happened. Maybe subconsciously he knew because he'd packed the little memory box with pictures etc in the trunk of the Impala without thinking about it. Anyway keeping this on track, he ends up staying in Texas and eventually, he and Amelia run into each other again - her having left Don again after things didn't work out a few years ago (gonna be real with you I think Don was abusive) and end up reconnecting.

Riot and Miricle are kinda grumpy but tolerant about each other.

They also eventually adopt an old lady tabby cat from the local shelter who absolutely terrorises both dogs, but dotes on Sam.

Sam ends up telling Amelia the truth about his life about 3 months into their relationship restarting, not all of it, but enough to keep her aware. She says that honestly even though it sounds crazy it makes a LOT of sense of how Sam was when they first met. This is the point at which they decide they do want their relationship to last and be serious. Amelia suggests they do couple's counselling together, given both their past issues if they really want to make this work.

He and Amelia never marry for a variety of reasons, but it works for them.

Sam ends up getting a degree - I think in something like anthropology (me an archaeologist totally not biased here lol), he does it through a distance learning program so mostly online but with some in-person classes and workshops.

DJ wasn't a planned pregnancy and it took a lot of discussion between them to decide to go ahead. Sam in particular was very anxious about the idea of being an actual dad to an actual baby, as much as he was kinda one to Jack he knows this is a whole different level. Amelia never wanted kids with Don. Amelia is also in her 40s by the time it happens so there are extra potential complications to consider. In the end they both agree that they want go ahead, and they both acknowledge that this will probably be their only kid.

Already mentioned Sam and DJ being autistic elsewhere but that's very precious to me.

Sam does struggle to find a balance between making sure he's there for DJ in a way his dad wasn't for him and being too much of a helicopter parent. He's SO conscious of DJ being an only child and the potential for loneliness stemming from that (absolutely projecting his own childhood loneliness SO hard and of course, his ideas on sibling companionship are NOT normal lol). As DJ get's older Sam does manage to relax a little, although it is still an issue from time to time.

That being said as I mentioned previously re the autism headcannon this level of worry also means that Sam puts in SO much work and research into being a supportive dad to an autistic kid.

Amelia is the 'breadwinner' in the relationship, continuing to work as a vet, Sam works a series of different part-time jobs over the years, mostly involving fixing stuff. After he gets his degree he works a couple of days a week at the local library as an assistant.

Related, finally stopping hunting gave him time to really catch up with and assess his body, and a lot of the weight and wear and tear of what he'd been through hit him quite suddenly. He has chronic fatigue issues in particular for the rest of his life which is why part-time work ends up being the best solution for him. Although Amelia, and DJ when he's a teenager, do still frequently have to sit him down and force him to stop trying to do too much at once.

Amelia passes away before Sam. She had been dead for about 5 years by the time Sam died.

Sam keeps very little contact with the hunting world, but Jody does still come to visit. DJ is very fond of her, much to Sam's delight.

The first time Sam had to look after DJ on his own after Amelia went back to work full time and was working a nightshift he was stuck to him like glue, Amelia came home to find him curled up on the floor asleep right next to DJs cot.

Sam loves helping DJ with his homework, and DJ loves it too - its their special time together, and its when Sam is able to be most emotionally open and present.

Sam's issues with food never go away, and its one thing he and Amelia do get into fights over is Sam (unintentionally) putting some of his issues on DJ (think Sam telling Jack he shouldn't eat sugary cereal).

Sam and Amelia both discover a love of gardening and they spend a lot of their free time together working on their garden. Amelia particularly loves roses and has a little rose garden that becomes their little sanctuary (Amelia's ashes are buried there). Sam creates a little healing herbs garden, he doesn't actively practice witchcraft but he likes to make little tinctures and teas and stuff.

I'll stop there lol

[strawbebbiesart]

Haunted // Love Affair With A House 🏡💌

[thedreadvampy]

The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.

It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.

[alongtidesoflight]

.

[himblebo]

I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.

[crmsnmth]

Mannequins

This room is filled with mannequins Some dressed up as people from my past There's the girl with the ocean blue eyes Who I still love even after all this time Dressed in sunshine and forgotten dance steps

There's the violent codependent abusive With red blood painted on it's pale plastic skin I stare at it, daring it to make a move because this time I won't let them in

There's the gay man who sold me drugs sometimes for money, sometimes for love Where I learned I have no limits for depravity and that I never really knew my own sexuality

Here's the girl from California who I think of daily my best friend when I had no friends the one who listened to me cry on late and lonely nights And I'm reminded of how much I miss her

Leaning haphazardly against the wall is kid a tragic romance if there ever was one five years of each other's life we wasted before we realized we just didn't work

With missing limbs is my junkie angel And her last words to me play like a scratched vinyl "You need to get clean or your going to die" And a month later she swallowed her tongue and i skipped out on the funeral

I walk through this room of memories The most important people in my stories And I am overwhelmed with nostalgia and sadness I miss you all so much, so so much.

I see my best friend growing up we stopped talking ten years ago because he said he didn't want to watch me burn And I can't say I'd ever blame him

I love you all. I'm sorry.

[mutalune]

hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

[apathyfairy]

some days you really just want to scream why is this so hard!!!!!! why is life so hard for me!!!!!!!!!!!!

[burger-goblin]

can i get an f in the chat

just had to send my 21-year old car off to the retirement home and, since she was my first car, i'm feeling like a big ol baby about it

[minakoainosupremacy]

I’m sad, I’ve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didn’t have time to even start anything and now it’s over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year

[malkaviian]

i am having traumatized kid thoughts so dont read the tags if it makes you uncomfortable

[foxcassius]

wait also my tags on that post were about people i knew in freshman and sophomore year of college specifically. i mean some of them i knew after that and most of them i knew from high school but damn some people really made everything about themselves when i was being emotionally manipulated in my freshman year

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.