#there was a time in my life when i was going through years of abuse and felt like i had no way out of that
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Forced | Max Verstappen Ver
WC: 22.2K
Max x reader
Summery: Jos made a deal years ago that he can't get out of, and Max is the one to see it through.
Warning â ď¸: abuse(mental, physical), a little naive reader, slight ptsd, eating disorder implied, depression and suicidal thoughts, mention of parent death, family abandment, cursing, Jos being an ahole, injuries
AN: Dark one. Read the warnings.
SAT THERE EDITING SINCE THE RACE JUST SO I COULD GET IT OUT TODAY!!
Masterlist
Max Verstappen
Charles Ver., Carlos Ver.
How he ended up here was a mystery to Max, but here he was, sitting in a private room at some overpriced restaurant, his father on one side and a stranger across from him. Across from him sat the man he only knew as Mr Wilkins, his sharp eyes practically dissecting Max with every glance.
Max prided himself on being observant. He noticed the little things, the subtle shifts in behaviour, the unspoken tells. And tonight, Jos Verstappen was a man he barely recognised. His father, usually so confident and composed, was jittery, avoiding Maxâs gaze, his hands restless against the polished table. Jos had been skittish for days, dodging every question Max had thrown at him. And now, this.
âHave you told him?â Wilkinsâs voice cut through the tension, cool and unwavering. His question was directed at Jos, but it hit Max like a stone.
Max glanced at his father, his stomach twisting, this is what his dad has been dodging all week. âTold me what?â
Josâs gaze fell to the table. He didnât answer.
âI see you havenât.â Wilkins said with a sigh, leaning back in his chair. âLooks like Iâll have to do it myself.â
Jos shifted uncomfortably, his hand reaching for his glass of water but stopping halfway. âAre you sure thereâs nothing else I can do?â He asked, his voice low and almost pleading.
Max froze. Pleading? Jos Verstappen didnât beg. Not for anyone. Wilkins, however, remained unmoved, his lips curling into a faint smirk.
âYou knew the price all those years ago.â His tone was ice-cold, unyielding.
 âCan someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?â Maxâs patience snapped, his voice cut through the room, loud enough to draw attention if there had been anyone else around. Wilkins chuckled, clearly amused by Maxâs agitation.
âRelax, Mr Verstappen.â He said smoothly, as if the situation was nothing more than a business transaction. âYouâre about to receive some⌠life-changing news.â
Max didnât relax. He braced himself, his instincts screaming that whatever was coming next would flip his world upside down.
âIâm sorry.â Josâs voice was barely a whisper, and when Max turned to him, his fatherâs face was pale, his eyes fixed on the table.
âWell, congratulations are in order.â Wilkins announced, his smirk widening. âYouâre a groom.â
Silence. A heavy, suffocating silence settled over the room. Max blinked; certain heâd misheard.
âA groom?â He laughed, but it was hollow, a sharp bark of disbelief. He pointed at himself. âMe? You must be joking.â
 âOh, I assure you, Iâm quite serious.â Wilkinsâs expression didnât waver. Maxâs laughter died instantly. His body stiffened, his hands curling into fists on the table.
âWhat the fuck are you talking about? Iâm not even seeing anyone!â He turned sharply to his father, his voice rising. âWhat is he saying? Whatâs going on? And what did you do?â
Jos flinched, his hand shaking as he reached for his son. âL-look, Max, I-I didnâtââ
âOh, but you did.â Wilkins leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as if settling in for a long story. âLet me make this simple, since itâs clear your father hasnât explained. Many years ago, Jos and I made a deal. I did him a favour, quite a significant one, might I add, and now itâs time for him to repay it.â Wilkins slid a crisp document across the table. Max barely glanced at it. His glare was fixed on the man whoâs trying to upend his life. âMy business is failing.â Wilkins continued smoothly. âAnd I need investors. Your father, with his connections and not to mention his three-time world champion son, can help me secure them. And what better way to cement that relationship than a marriage?â
âAnd what does that have to do with me?â Maxâs jaw tightened, but he forced himself to keep his voice steady.
âEverything.â Wilkins said, his eyes gleaming. âBecause you, Max, are the key to this entire arrangement. And letâs be honest, youâd do anything to protect your father, wouldnât you?â
The insinuation hit like a slap. Maxâs gaze darted to his father, whose face crumbled under the weight of guilt.
âI donât get it,â Max muttered. âWhat could you possibly have over him?â
Wilkinsâs smirk turned razor-sharp. âOh, I have plenty. How about the fact that Jos embezzled money to secure his career in Formula 1? Or that he cheated his way into a few deals? One word from me, and the media would have a field day. And prison? Well, Jos knows what thatâs like already, doesnât he?â
Maxâs stomach churned. He pushed back his chair, the screech of metal against wood cutting through the tension. Grabbing his phone, he stood, his movements sharp and final.
âIâm not doing this.â He said, his voice firm, resolute.
âMax, wait!â Jos half-rose from his chair, grabbing his sonâs arm. âPlease, just⌠think about it. Please.â
Max wrenched his arm free, his glare slicing through his fatherâs desperation. âThink about what? Selling myself off like some business transaction? No.â
âItâll be good for your image,â Jos added hastily, his tone desperate. âAnd Wilkinsâs daughterâsheâs beautiful. Maybe just⌠meet her. Talk to her.â
Maxâs head snapped towards Wilkins, his eyes narrowing. âYour daughter? Youâre offering her up like some bargaining chip?â He scoffed, the disgust in his tone cutting deep.
Wilkins shrugged, utterly unbothered. âBelieve me, sheâll be happy. And I know sheâll make you happy.â
Maxâs gaze flicked between the two men. His father looked like he was on the verge of breaking, while Wilkins appeared positively delighted with himself. The chaos fuelled him; it was written all over his face.
Max exhaled sharply, raking a hand through his hair. âIâll think about it.â he said finally, his tone clipped. Without another word, he turned and strode out of the room, ignoring the sound of his father pleading with Wilkins behind him.
Max went back to his house, the penthouse he shared with his cats. His mind was swirling with emotions and ideas. There must be another way, there had to be. How could they expect him to marry someone heâd never met before? They were acting as if it was as easy as picking up groceries.
His phone pinged with a notification.
It was from his dad. Clicking on their chat, Max barely glanced at the attached picture of you before reading the text below it:
He gave us one week before you have to get married.
Max cursed under his breath and threw his phone, watching as it clattered against the floor, startling his cats.
The week crawled by painfully. It took Jos a few days to show up at Maxâs door, trying to convince him. Jos pleaded, guilt-tripping Max at every opportunity. He even showed Max your Instagram profile, scrolling through pictures and pointing out that you werenât a forever commitmentâthat marriage didnât mean he had to be faithful. Jos insisted that Max could continue living his life as usual.
In the end, it wasnât the arguments or assurances that drove Max to the courthouse; it was the love he had for his father.
Max sat stiffly in front of the officiantâs office, dressed in a blazer, a white shirt, and jeans. He refused to dress up more than that for what felt like a mockery of a commitment. Jos sat beside him, restless, while Maxâs thoughts churned. The clock ticked away, but you and your father were nowhere to be seen.
Max glared at the door. Power play, he thought bitterly. Being late was a way to assert control, to make them wait, to show who was in charge.
When Wilkins finally arrived, his booming voice preceded him, pulling Max out of his thoughts.
âOh good, youâre here.â Max stood without sparing a glance at the group, opened the door to the officiantâs office, and walked in.
You entered moments later, your smile soft but strained when your eyes met Josâs. Wilkinsâs hand gripped your arm tightly as he led you inside, his fingers digging into your skin. You kept your head high and your posture straight, despite the discomfort. When he lets go, you instinctively rubbed your arm but quickly stopped, aware of everyoneâs eyes.
Max didnât look up. He sat rigidly in his seat, staring at the officiant, his jaw set.
âI wonât take long.â The officiant began, sliding a paper in front of Max. Heâs clearly paid by your dad. Max grabbed the pen and signed without hesitation, not sparing you a glance. When the paper was passed to you, your hands trembled slightly as you picked up the pen. You signed where indicated, your expression composed, but there was a flicker of hesitation before each stroke.
âGood, nice and easy. Now exchange the rings.â The officiant said.
Max hadnât brought rings. It hadnât even crossed his mind. Jos, however, handed him a pair of simple bands, evidently having planned for this.
Max took a steadying breath and turned to you. His gaze faltered for a moment. He hadnât expected this. You were... breathtaking.
For a moment, he hated that it mattered.
The smile you wore didnât waver, though it was faint and polite, not reaching your eyes. Max took your hand. Your fingers felt fragile in his grip, trembling slightly, yet he didnât notice the faint pressure marks on your skin from Wilkinsâs grip earlier. He just slid the ring on, his movements mechanical.
You took his hand with quiet care, slipping the ring onto his finger with the same delicate precision, avoiding his gaze. When it was done, Max pulled his hand back quickly, rising from his seat.
âWhere do you think youâre going?â Wilkinsâs voice was sharp. Max froze mid-step, his shoulders tense. âYou forgot your wife.â Max turned slowly, glaring at Wilkins. His fatherâs chuckle grated against his nerves. âYou didnât think just signing papers was enough, did you? Youâll take my daughter with you.â
Wilkins placed a heavy hand on your shoulder, making you flinch slightly before quickly composing yourself. Your smile shrank further, barely there.
Maxâs eyes flicked to you. Your white dress clung to your frame, the heels on your feet absurdly high. You looked... smaller somehow, standing next to your father.
âCome on, then.â Max said brusquely, turning and heading for the door.
Wilkins leaned down, whispering something in your ear. You nodded quickly, not daring to respond aloud. You hurried after Max, your footsteps soft but purposeful.
Outside, Maxâs carâa sleek Aston Martin DBSâwaited. You moved to the passenger side without a word, glancing briefly at Max as you settled into the seat. Your hands rested in your lap, clutching your handbag tightly.
The drive to his penthouse was suffocatingly silent. Max glanced at you occasionally. You sat stiffly, your head slightly bowed, offering no conversation. By the time you arrived, Max began to wonder if you ever spoke at all.
Inside the penthouse, Maxâs cats greeted him with meowing and weaving around his legs. He crouched to pet them, finding brief solace in their presence.
When he stood, you were still by the door, shoes off, holding them neatly in one hand. Your other hand gripped the strap of your handbag, knuckles pale.
âIâll show you the guest bedroom,â Max said.
âThank you.â Your voice was soft, measured, almost hesitant.
Max frowned. He wasnât sure what heâd expected, but the sound of your voice caught him off guard. It was far more subdued than heâd imagined.
You followed him quietly, your movements careful, as though unsure of your place in this space. You take a 360 degree look before your eyes fall back on Max.
âThereâs a bathroom attached. If you need anything, let me know,â Max said as he stood at the doorway.
âThank you.â Your response was the same, polite but distant.
Max closed the door behind him and leaned against it briefly, exhaling. You were too calm, too composed. It unsettled him. You werenât angry or demanding. You werenât protesting or pushing back.
That left only one possibility. You wanted this.
And Max despised you for it.
You sat on the bed in the guest room, unsure of what to do with yourself. The room was luxurious, similar to your bedroom back home, a little homier though. Looking around, your eyes landed on the large windows.
Walking over, you pulled back the sheer curtains and opened the window slightly. A salty breeze wafted in, carrying the faint hum of the city below. There were no buildings obstructing the view, just the harbour and the vast expanse of sea. The sight was breathtaking, but it did little to ease the tightness in your chest.
Your fingers twitched, an old habit resurfacingâa need to occupy yourself. But there was nothing to do. Taking a deep breath, you tried to steady your nerves. You were in a strangerâs home, married to a man you didnât know.
Last week, your life had been structured to the minute. Youâd had your schedule, your tasks, your carefully planned routine dictated by your father. Now, there was nothing. No orders. No tasks. You bit at your nail beds, the nervous habit making a quiet comeback as you sat back down on the bed.
The hours dragged by. At some point, you lay down on top of the covers, staring out the window. The sky shifted from blue to orange as the sun dipped lower on the horizon. Hunger gnawed at you occasionally, but you didnât dare leave the room.
Max had gone about his day as if nothing had changed. Heâd spent time on the simulator, played a few rounds online with friends, and entertained his cats. For a moment, it was easy to forget you existed.
It wasnât until he was sitting on the sofa, scratching Sassy behind her ears, that he noticed the wedding band on his finger. The sight brought him back to reality. His eyes narrowed as he realised, he hadnât heard a sound from the guest room all day.
âRidiculous.â he muttered, standing abruptly. He hesitated for a moment outside your door before knocking lightly.
When there was no immediate response, Max opened the door to find you sitting up on the bed, your dress slightly wrinkled and your legs tucked beneath you. You blinked at him, startled.
âI wasââ Max cleared his throat, his eyes flicking over you briefly before settling on your face. âIâm ordering food. What do you want?â
âAnything.â You replied softly, your voice timid and polite.
Maxâs jaw tightened. Of course, he thought bitterly. The perfect act.
He scoffed and left, the door closing behind him with more force than necessary.
When the food arrived half an hour later, Max knocked on your door again.
âFoodâs ready.â He said flatly, turning and walking back to the dining area.
You emerged hesitantly, following the faint sound of Max unpacking containers. He placed a box in front of your spot at the table before sitting down with his own.
You opened the box to find a chicken pasta dish with a side of garlic bread. The sight made you pause, your brows furrowing slightly.
âWhat?â Max asked, catching the look on your face. âYou donât like pasta?â
Quickly, you schooled your expression into a neutral smile. âNo, I like it. Thank you.â
Max narrowed his eyes, noting the sudden shift in your demeanour, but said nothing.
The meal passed in near silence, punctuated only by the occasional clink of cutlery. Max finished his food quickly, while you ate slowly, taking small, measured bites, just like you were taught. When he set his fork down, you did the same, despite having barely finished a third of your meal.
Gathering your food containers, you stood and asked quietly, âWhich way is the kitchen?â
Max pointed in the direction, watching as you disappeared briefly. You returned a moment later to collect his empty containers.
Max was perplexed by your actions; you havenât been there for 12 hours and youâre already confusing him.
From the dining room, Max could hear the sound of water running, followed by the opening and closing of cabinets. When you returned, he sighed and stood.
âIâll show you around.â He said curtly.
You followed silently as he walked through the penthouse, pointing out the various rooms. The tour ended at the door to your guest room. Taking that as your cue, you nodded politely and stepped inside, closing the door softly behind you.
The next morning, you woke early, unsure of what to do. You slipped your strapless bra back on, skipping your underwear, and pulled your dress from the day before over your head. It was wrinkled but all you had.
When you ventured out, you found Max in the living room, scrolling through his phone. At the sound of your soft throat-clearing, he looked up.
His eyes swept over you briefly, taking in the rumpled dress and your heels. âGetting married again today?â he asked, his tone dry.
 âSorry. I... I donât have any of my clothes with me.â You flinched slightly but forced a small smile.
Max stared at you for a moment, realisation dawning. He hadnât considered that youâd arrived with only your handbag.
âFuck.â He muttered under his breath, running a hand through his hair. Without another word, he disappeared into his bedroom, returning a moment later with a plain shirt and a pair of shorts. âThese donât fit me. You can wear them.â He said, holding them out to you.
âThank you.â You said softly, taking the clothes and retreating to your room. When you emerged a few minutes later, you were wearing his oversized shirt and shorts, which hung loosely on you.
For some reason, Max found himself staring. You looked better in his clothes, he thought absently, before shaking the thought away.
âCan I go out for a bit?â You asked hesitantly, breaking the silence.
âYeah.â Max replied, already turning back to his phone.
While you were out, Max got a call from one of his friends, inviting him to meet up for the day. He took off his wedding ring and left the apartment. He forgot about the rough week heâd been having and went out to eat and relax with his group of friends. It wasnât until around 8 p.m. that he headed home.
As he reached his floor, the automatic lights flickered on, revealing your figure slumped against the front door. You were sleeping with shopping bags scattered around you, still in his clothes, his shorts slid up showing your legs, just like the dress did, and your heels discarded by your side.
Max scoffed, walking past you and unlocking his door without a word. He glanced back at you, deliberating for a moment. Should he leave you there? Or wake you up?
Before he could decide, Jimmy sidestepped him and jumped onto you, his head diving straight into one of the bags. That was enough to stir you awake. You jolted up, confused and disoriented, clearly not remembering when youâd fallen asleep.
"Jimmy! Come here," Max called, clicking his tongue. The cat ignored him, making Max sigh in annoyance. He looked down at youâthose wide, innocent eyes staring up at himâand felt an unfamiliar mix of irritation and concern.
"Get inside," he said firmly.
You scrambled to your feet, still groggy, grabbing your bags and shoes, but not before Max noticed something red flash from the corner of his eye. He didnât focus on it, though.
âMy dad said your things would arrive in the next couple of days.â Max added casually, as if it was just another piece of information. You paused, turning to him.
"Uh, okay." You muttered in response, quickly retreating to your room.
Max narrowed his eyes but didnât press you further. He was trying to be polite, trying to make things work. Here he was asking his dad about your things, all he got was that meek âokay.â
He closed the door behind you, then went to feed his cat.
He didnât hear or see you for the rest of the day.
Two days later, two suitcases arrived. You rolled them to your room and opened them with a mix of dread and resignation. Inside were clothes you hadnât bought and wouldnât have chosen for yourself. But they were all designer brands, the kind of things you could sell if you needed the money.
You didnât want to think about it, but you knew you had no choice. You had to get by somehow.
The week went by with Max either going out, working or gaming. You spent all day in your room, but you had seen Maxâs nutritionistâs list he had left in the kitchen one day. Seeing the food heâs supposed to eat, all of it you could make. You memorized his food schedule and started preparing his meals, waking up earlier than him, just to make sure everything was ready. By lunchtime, the smell of food would fill the apartment, but Max never caught sight of you. He never heard you.
The first couple of days in his house missed with your sleeping schedule, so youâre awake way before he does, you memorised when he usually wakes up. So, heâd find food ready for him.
Days stretched on endlessly. You passed the time by reading the few books in your room, but there was no TV, no distractions. You stayed in your room, alone, only leaving to prepare Maxâs meals or feed the cats. They started to visit you more often, meowing at your door, and youâd let them in. It made the days a little less lonely, even if the fear never really went away.
Despite everything, it was still better than your life in Switzerland. Better than the life your father had forced upon you.
One day, the doorbell rang. Max was engrossed in his simulator, the headset muffling the sound entirely. After the fourth ring, you hesitantly left your room to see who it could be. Half-asleep, you padded into the living room, noticing Max still focused on his sim in the corner.
Opening the door, you froze as your heart plummeted. Standing there was your father.
"Did someone come?" Max called out from the living room, removing his headset. You shrank back, taking a few steps away from your father. Max rounded the corner, his sharp eyes darting between your pale face and the men at the door. âWhat are you two doing here?â He demanded, his tone already hard.
âWe came to talk about what comes next.â Your father replied, his voice steady but full of implication. Max stepped closer, his presence solid and unmoving beside you. Unconsciously, you edged backward, positioning yourself slightly behind him as if to shield yourself. Max noticed your movement but didnât say anythingânot yet.
âNext? What next? Weâre married.â Max shot back, crossing his arms. His posture was sharp, shoulders broad, making him look even more imposing.
âYes, but how will I get investors if no one sees you two together?â Your father raised a brow, his gaze flitting to you. You froze under his scrutiny, feeling as though the floor might give way beneath you. His eyes moved past you into the house. Â âArenât you going to invite us in?â Your father stepped forward, but Max immediately blocked his path, his stance rigid and unyielding.
âThatâs not happening.â Max said through gritted teeth. âAnd neither is whatever scheme youâre planning. Now piss off will you.â
Your fatherâs eyes narrowed, his voice dropping into a sharper tone. âListen here, boyââ
Max cut him off, stepping closer until they were nearly nose-to-nose. âNo, you listen. I married your daughter. Thatâs the deal. How you get your investors is your problem, not ours. You donât come here. You donât ask us for anything.â
Your fatherâs eyes darted toward you again, making you whimper softly. The sound was barely audible, but Max caught it instantly. He shifted, positioning himself fully in front of you, effectively blocking you from view.
âYour daughter is mine. Sheâs my wife now. You gave her to meâyour choice, your consequences,â Max growled. His words were deliberate, cutting.
Your fatherâs expression darkened as he leaned closer. âI can still expose your father.â He threatened.
Maxâs gaze flickered to Jos for a moment before refocusing. He felt the faint tug on his shirt where your fingers clutched the fabric, trembling. Whatever hesitation he had vanished entirely.
âThen do it.â Max bit out, his voice cold and venomous. âExpose him. And when it all falls apart, youâll suffer just as much as him.â
Without giving your father, a chance to respond, Max slammed the door in their faces.
The moment the latch clicked, your hand released his shirt, and you took a shaky step back. Max was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling as he tried to calm himself.
âIâll have to talk to security about keeping them out.â He muttered, his voice low.
âIâm sorry.â You whispered, barely audible.
Max turned to you, his eyes softening despite himself. You were on the verge of tears, and it was written all over your face.
âItâs not your fault,â Max said, his tone gentler than youâd ever heard it before.
Before the tears could spill, you turned and hurried to your room. His cats trailed after you, their tails swishing curiously. Max stood there for a moment, staring after you, wondering when his pets had gotten so attached to you.
In your room, you curled up on the bed, pulling the covers tightly around you as emotions overwhelmed you. Seeing your father again stirred everything you had tried to suppress. This was the longest youâd ever been away from him. Even when he was on business trips, his presence loomed over you through cameras and speakers. If you stepped out of line, even slightly, his voice would thunder through the house, ensuring you never forgot he was watching.
No one had ever stepped up for you. The staff in your fatherâs home were emotionless, stoicâjust following orders. No one had ever comforted you, protected you, or even looked at you with kindness.
But today, Max had stood up for you. Max, who barely tolerated your existence, had blocked your father and shielded you. Max who has no idea what kind of relationship you have with your father. Maybe it was out of anger or frustration with the situation, but it didnât matter. For the first time, someone had been in your corner.
The realization hit you like a wave, and the tears came. You sobbed quietly, your body shaking under the covers. The loneliness is killing you, why are you even living, what do you do in your day, no one will miss you if youâre gone. You tried not to think such dark thoughts but times like this you couldnât help it.
The cats jumped onto the bed, circling you. Sassy licked your face, her rough tongue brushing away some of the tears. You patted her head softly, whispering a thank-you under your breath. Maybe theyâd miss you if you were gone.
The next morning, Max was by the door, bags packed for two weeks of racing. The apartment was eerily silentâsomething he usually didnât mind. But after hearing you cry last night, the quiet felt heavy.
Heâd paced in his room for hours, debating whether to check on you. Max might not like you, but he wasnât heartless. He hated hearing anyone cry, especially women. When he finally decided to go to your door, the sobs had slowed, and he didnât want to risk waking you.
Now, standing by the door, he hesitated again. Eventually, he knocked softly.
âIâm leaving now. Iâll be gone for two weeks.â He said, his voice awkward but trying.
There was silence for a moment before your muffled voice came through. âOkay. Thank you.â It cracked on the last syllable, heavy with sadness. âGood luck.â
âThanks.â Max replied, lingering for a second before leaving. He didnât know what else to say, but he couldnât ignore the tightness in his chest.
Max had thought about you more than heâd like to admit. His thoughts kept drifting back to you, no matter how much he tried to push them away. He didnât like you, he knew next to nothing about you. Yet, somehow, he felt much less dislike toward you now. The truth gnawed at him: he barely knew you. Still, heâd left you in his home with his cats and had lived with you for over a week before heading to the race.
For once, Max couldnât wait to get home. He was the first out of the paddock, the first on the plane, and the first off it when they landed. By the time he walked into the house, it was nighttime. The air inside was cool and still, the lights turned off, and the faint hum of the refrigerator the only sound.
Jimmy and Sassy came trotting out from somewhere, nuzzling into him in greeting. Max bent down to stroke them absently, his mind already drifting. He headed to the kitchen for a drink, opening the fridge. Frowning, he pulled out a bottle of water. Everything inside was exactly as heâd left itânothing had changed. No empty shelves, no dishes used. The realization unsettled him.
Max closed the fridge and moved to the pantry, only to find the same: untouched, just as it had been before.
A strange thought crept in, and his chest tightened as he turned on his heel, heading to your room. Your door was slightly ajar, and alarm bells went off in his mind. You always kept it closed.
âY/N?â He called softly, knocking lightly before pushing it open.
The room was eerily tidy. The bed was made with military precision, the same way his mother liked to do it. Nothing was out of place, nothing personal added. It was as if no one had lived in it at all. Maxâs heartbeat quickened as panic set in. Where were you?
He searched the houseâyour bathroom, the laundry room, even his own bedroom. You werenât there. Finally, he ended up in the living room, rubbing a hand over his face in frustration.
Jimmy meowed loudly, trotting toward the terrace door, which was slightly ajar. Max frowned and followed him, pushing the door open wider.
The sight stopped him in his tracks.
You were lying on the floor of the terrace, flat on your back, eyes closed. Sassy was curled up next to you, and Jimmy padded over to join her. For a brief, heart-stopping moment, Max thought the worst.
âY/N?â His voice wavered as he rushed over, dropping to his knees beside you. âY/N?â He repeated, louder this time, hands hovering over you as though afraid to touch. âAre you okay?â
He shook you gently, then harder when you didnât respond. âY/N!â
Your eyes snapped open with a sharp gasp, and you bolted uprightâright into Maxâs forehead.
âFuck!â He groaned, clutching his head as you did the same.
âOh my God, Iâm sorry!â You exclaimed, reaching for him instinctively. âI didnât mean toâare you okay?â
Max glared at you, rubbing the sore spot. âI should be asking you that. Why the hell were you sleeping out here?â
You looked away, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. âI wanted to see the stars.â
âIn your pyjamas? On the floor? Itâs freezing, Y/N!â His exasperation was palpable, but there was a hint of something else beneath itâconcern.
You bit your lip, nodding, wishing you could disappear. âIâm sorry.â
Max sighed heavily, standing and extending a hand to help you up. âCome inside before you get sick.â
In the kitchen, under the bright lights, Max finally got a good look at you. You looked exhaustedâdarker circles under your eyes than before, your frame thinner, your movements sluggish. He couldnât shake the gnawing feeling that something was deeply wrong.
âHere.â You placed an ice pack wrapped in a towel against his forehead, your fingers brushing his skin lightly. Max caught the faint scent of lavender and something softer, uniquely you.
âIâm fine,â He muttered, gently taking the ice pack from you. âBut you should have one too.â
You hesitated before nodding, fetching another ice pack for yourself. As you pressed it to your own forehead with a quiet hiss, Max leaned against the counter, studying you.
âWhy didnât you eat any of the food in the fridge?â He asked suddenly.
Your eyes widened in panic. âI didnât touch anything, I swearââ Your hands falling to your side brining the pack with you.
âDonât put it down.â Your hands flew back up. âI know you didnât,â Max interrupted, his tone softer now. âThatâs the problem. What have you been eating?â
âI buy my own food.â You mumbled, looking anywhere but at him. Everything you do and say just confuses him more.
Max frowned. âAnd you donât put it in the fridge?â
âI did.â You said quickly. âI just⌠ran out.â
His brow furrowed further. âYou donât eat anything from my food?â
You shook your head. âI didnât want to intrude.â
Max stared at you, his chest tightening. âSo, let me get this straight: you cooked meals for me, but you didnât make anything for yourself because you didnât want to use my food? Seriously, Y/N, what have you been eating?â
âYeah.â You said it like it was obvious, you then hesitated. âI managed⌠Do you not want me to cook for you anymore?â
âNo, thatâs not what Iâm saying.â Max sighed. âIâm saying you can cook yourself food while cooking for me.â
âButâŚâ You trail off feeling embarrassed of what you have to say.
âWhat? Tell me.â Max said and you meet his eyes for a second before you look at the floor.
âYour food is expensive; I donât have a lot of money.â You mumble and chew at your lip. Max stands there in silence, he knew your dad is going bankrupt but not enough to not have money.
âYour cards are empty?â Max asked, his tone a bit cold. It wasnât directed or because of you, but the more he finds out about your dad the more agitated he gets.
âI uh, I donât have a card.â You admit and put the ice pack on the counter, you try to escape the kitchen and this conversation.
âWait.â You stop in your tracks and turn to face Max, knowing thereâs no escaping this now. âWhat else are you hiding from me? How have you been paying for your food, and you went shopping on your first day?â
His eyes narrowed, clearly unconvinced by your words, and your mind flashed back to that first week in Monaco, just after you arrived.
You had left the apartment, the weight of Maxâs indifferent nod still heavy on your shoulders. Monaco was unfamiliar, but youâd lived in many countriesâsurely you could figure it out.
Walking into the first jewellery shop you found, you approached the counter with a timid smile. The attendant greeted you warmly.
Italic is French
âBonjour, madame, how can I help you?â
You hesitated before asking, âDo you buy jewellery?â
The womanâs friendly smile faltered. âIâm sorry, madame. We donât.â
âThatâs alright, thank you.â You murmured, retreating quickly.
The next three shops were the same story, the polite rejections wearing away at your resolve. By the fourth, a kind attendant told you there werenât any jewellery shops in the area that would buy second-hand pieces, but she gave you directions to one on the other side of the city.
Following her directions, you trudged through unfamiliar streets, the cobblestones cruel to your feet in towering heels. The mismatched outfit you got from Max, drawing unwanted attention and making the walk even more uncomfortable.
Finally, you reached the shop and stepped inside, relief washing over you.
âBonjour, madame. How can I assist you?â The girl behind the counter asked with a professional smile.
âDo you buy jewellery?â
âYes, we do. What are you looking to sell?â
You exhaled deeply, reaching up to remove the Tiffany Victoria stud earrings from your ears. âThese.â
The girlâs eyes widened as she took them. âT-These?â
âYes. Can you pay in cash?â This just got weirder for the girl, you bit your bottom lip, your smile is now gone. âLook, my-uh, my dad cut me off, I just need money to get by.â
The girlâs expression shifted from confusion to concern as she glanced at you. âUm⌠Iâll see what I can do. Please, sit down.â
You sank into a chair, your nerves fraying. you sat chewing on your nail bed, feeling nervous. When the girl returned, she wasnât alone. A man accompanied her, likely the manager or owner.
âIlaria tells me you want to sell these earrings.â He began, holding them up to inspect.
âYes, please.â
His brow furrowed.
âMadame, these are worth over 27,000 Euros. Unfortunately, we donât carry that much cash on hand.â You deflated, the man now knew what Ilaria was talking about, he feels bad for you, he glanced at your wedding ring and wonders what kind of husband you have that left you selling your belongings for money. âHowever, I can offer you 5,000 Euros immediately and pay the rest in instalments, or when the earrings sell. Does that work for you?â
You nodded, overwhelmed with gratitude. âYes, that would be perfect. Thank you.â
The man typed up a quick agreement on his laptop, printing it out for you both to sign. With the cash in hand, you left the shop feeling lighter, though the weight of what youâd done lingered.
The thrift store you passed on the way had looked promising, but once inside, you realised even second-hand items in Monaco carried hefty price tags. Thinking over the money you have and whatâs the priority.You focused on the essentials: four shirts, one pair of jeans, one pair of trousers, and two pyjamas. The total price had your eyes go wide. Shoes would have to waitâyour heels would suffice for now.
On your walk back it was already afternoon, you didnât have anything to eat yet. But that was alright because you were heading to a grocery store next.
The prices there were equally shocking, but you told yourself it didnât matterâyou didnât eat much anyway. You picked up a few basics for the week and some fresh produce before heading to a shop for a few sets of underwear. Glancing at the money you have left when you paid had your heart clenching. Ordering online must be cheaper, if only you had a card.
By the time you returned to the apartment, your arms heavy with bags and your wallet considerably lighter, you knocked on the door, only to be met with silence. A second knock, then the doorbell, brought no response.
Your stomach dropped as you realised Max wasnât home. Exhausted and hungry, you sank to the floor outside the door, rummaging through your grocery bag for a cucumber, eating it as you waited for your âhusbandâ to come back.
You waited until Max went to bed before you ventured into the kitchen to put away the food youâd bought. The rest, you stashed in your room. You didnât want to inconvenience Max.
You were already using his bathroom products, which you assumed belonged to his mother or sister, but you tried to keep to yourself as much as possible.
The memory faded as Maxâs voice brought you back to the present.
âHow exactly did you manage?â He pressed, his eyes narrowing further.
Your shoulders sagged, and the words slipped out before you could stop them. âI sold my earrings.â
Maxâs brow furrowed. âYour earrings?â
âThey were worth twenty-seven thousand Euros.â You explained, your voice barely audible. âBut theyâre paying me in instalments, so itâs like I have a job. I didnât realize how expensive Monaco is.â
He stared at you, unblinking, as the pieces began falling into place.
Maxâs jaw clenched. âWhat about the clothes? I thought your dad sent your things.â
Your face fell, and you looked away. âI canât wear what he sent me.â
âWhat do you mean?â Max asked, his voice gentler now. âCan you show me?â
You hesitated, but the look in his eyes told you he wasnât letting this go. Wordlessly, you led him to your room and opened the walk-in closet, both your ice packs forgotten in the kitchen. Pulling out the suitcases your father had sent, your hand was on the zipper for a while.
âYou donât have to show me.â Max said feeling that all this is bigger than he initially thought.
âItâs fine, itâs not my things anyway.â You said and unzipped the first one and stepped back.
Max crouched down, pulling out the first item: itâs a very small and tight crop top, the shorts will all show your butt, the jeans had rips on the butt cheeks or were skintight, and itâs coming from him. shirts were sheer, necklines low, and skirts that barely covered anything. His frown deepened as he opened the second suitcaseâheels in every colour, some taller than seemed practical. The final suitcase made his stomach turn. It was filled with lingerie, nothing else.
He closed it with a sharp snap and turned to look at you. You were standing with your arms wrapped around yourself, avoiding his gaze.
âIâll take you shopping this week.â Max said firmly. âOr you can order whatever you want online. No arguments.â
You shook your head. âItâs fine, really. I the got basics and when I need more, I can sell the other jewellery I haveââ
âNo, next time you want clothes Iâm getting them for youâ Max interrupted, his tone leaving no room for debate. âYouâre not selling anything else. The food in the fridge is for both of us.â You wanted to retort, but he just continued. âBoth of us may have not wanted this, but Iâm not having you starve or spend money you donât have. Youâre my responsibility now.â
The words hit you like a tidal wave, and your heart skipped a beat. Max Verstappen is the nicest man you have ever met. He looked so scary the first time you saw him and you dreaded living with him, but here he is, being the kindest soul, you have ever met. He wonât gain anything in return but heâs still nice, heâs kind. For the first time in a long while, you felt safeâtruly safe. Tears prickled your eyes, but you blinked them back, nodding quietly.
âOkay?â Max asked, his gaze softening.
âOkay,â you whispered.
That night, the suitcases were left by the door for donation. Max watched as you retreated to your room, and he made a promise to himself to be more attentive, to keep an eye out for you.
That night, Max decided it was time to reach out to you. Hearing your quiet sobs and observing your timid behaviour had forced him to confront an uncomfortable truth: you werenât the only one forced into this marriage. For you, it must be infinitely harder. He had his friends, his job, and the comfort of his own home. You had none of that.
The next morning, Max woke early, ordering food for the both of you before you could wake and make breakfast yourself. He wanted to catch you off guard and show a gesture of goodwill.
When you finally emerged from your room, the smell of freshly baked goods wafted through the apartment.
âGood morning. Max greeted, passing you as he carried plates to the dining table. âCome on, grab whatever you want, and letâs eat together.â
You paused, wide-eyed and uncertain, watching him retreat to the dining room. Your stomach growled loudly, betraying your hesitance. Without overthinking it, you reached for a croissant and followed him.
âThank you.â You murmured, sitting across from him as you noticed the glass of orange juice already poured for you.
Max glanced up. âIâd like us to talk a little after breakfast.â He said, his tone calm.
You froze mid-bite, your stomach tightening as fear flickered across your face. âTalk?â
âDonât worry.â He reassured, noting your reaction. âI just want to get to know you better.â
Relieved, you exhaled a breath you hadnât realised you were holding. But as you ate, your mind spun. What would he ask? You hadnât spoken much about yourself to anyone before. The way youâd been raised didnât leave much room for idle conversation or personal interests. You have been taught what to do for when you got married, but Max is unlike anything theyâve told you a husband will be like.
After finishing breakfast, the two of you moved to the living room. You sat stiffly, your back straight and your hands folded neatly in your lap. Max, sitting on the other end of the sofa, observed you with a faint smile.
âRelax.â He said lightly, leaning forward. âThis isnât an interrogation. I just thought we could set some boundaries or rules and figure out how to make this work for both of us.â
You nodded, unsure of what to expect. âRules?â Rules you understood. You could follow rules.
âFirst.â Max began. âYou donât have to cook for me.â
You frowned slightly. âI like to cook.â
âThatâs fine, then.â Max said quickly. âBut itâs not something you have to do. Same with taking care of Jimmy and Sassy.â
Your frown deepened. âBut then⌠what would I do?â
Max hesitated, realising how rigid your perspective was. âYou can do whatever you want. What did you do before⌠you came here?â
âWellâŚâ You paused, uncertain. âDad had a schedule for me.â
âSchedule?â Max raised a brow. âLike, what kind of schedule?â
âI woke up at six, exercised for an hour, showered, then had classes until three. After lunch, I went to ballet for two hours, then a piano class for an hour and a half. Then I helped with dinner and went to bed.â
âEvery day?â Max asked, his tone incredulous.
You nodded, smiling as though this was entirely normal. âThe times changed sometimes, but⌠yes, since I was 12.â
âFucking hell.â Max muttered, his jaw tightening. Memories of his own gruelling training sessions under his fatherâs watch flashed through his mind. The times he had to train for hours on end, walk home alone. But Max loved racing, he thrived in it. And unlike him, you didnât seem to have any passion or choice in what you did.
Pushing his anger aside, Max decided to steer the conversation away from your father for now. âWhy didnât you buy more food while I was gone?â
âI donât have a key.â You said simply, scratching nervously at your nail bedâa habit Max noticed for the first time.
âThatâs on me.â He admitted. âIâll get a key made for you.â
He paused, his gaze softening. âHow much food do you usually eat?â
You shrugged, not giving it much thought. âEnough.â
âAre you full when you finish eating?â
Your voice was quiet. âNot always.â
Maxâs expression darkened, his jaw tightening again. âRight. Thatâs it. Iâm ordering more food.â
Despite your protests, Max ignored you, placing a large order with the determination to figure out what you liked. When the food arrived, you stared in disbelief at the sheer amount spread across the table.
âThatâs too much.â You whispered, overwhelmed.
âJust eat,â Max said firmly.
At first, you hesitated, but the hunger gnawing at your stomach made you give in. Bite after bite, Max urged you to try different dishes. âThis is amazingâtaste it!â heâd insist, or âYouâll love this one.â
You tried to keep up, but the more you ate, the heavier the food sat in your stomach. Not eating a lot had shrunk your stomach, you get full fast, but it seemed like something Max is not accustomed to. When Max handed you another dessert to try, your body couldnât take it anymore. Springing up, you rushed to the nearest bathroom and barely made it in time before throwing up.
Max was right behind you, holding your hair back as you emptied the contents of your stomach into the toilet. You finally sat back, trembling and exhausted, you flushed the toilet and washed your face and mouth. He handed you a towel to wipe your face.
âAre you okay?â He asked, his voice laced with concern.
You nodded weakly.
âWas the food bad?â
You shook your head. âToo full.â
Max stared at you, dumbfounded. âWhy didnât you stop eating?â
âYou told me to keep eating.â You said, looking at him through your lashes.
Max groaned, running a hand through his hair as the pieces fell into place. You asked him if you could go out the first day, you stayed in your room unless he asked you to come out or to make him food, you stop walking when he told you to, youâve showed him your bags when he asked. Youâve been doing exactly what heâs been asking you to do without as much as a remark or hesitation. You havenât left the house to get food because he didnât tell you, you can leave. This is fucked. âYou donât need my permission to stop eating, or to do anything for that matter!â
âBut my teacher said I should always ask you, Iâm sorry that I sometimes do things without asking, but-â
âStop.â His sharp tone made you fall silent immediately, he groans, heâs done it again. He sighed, softening his voice. âRule number one: you donât need to ask me for permission to live your life. You can do whatever you want. Iâm your husband, not your⌠owner.â
âButââ
âNo buts.â Max leaned forward, his eyes locking with yours. âYouâre free, Y/N. Youâre not under your fatherâs control anymore. You can pursue whatever makes you happy, go wherever you want. Youâre free.â
Your lips trembled slightly as his words sank in. âA-Are you sure?â
âYes, Iâm sure,â Max said firmly, but his voice softened when he saw the fragile hope in your eyes. For a fleeting moment, it was as though a veil had been lifted. The small, hesitant smile on your face wasnât much, but to him, it felt like a victory.
âI⌠Iâve never really thought about being free.â You admitted, your fingers twisting together in your lap. âThereâs always been rules, schedules, expectations. I wouldnât even know where to start.â
Maxâs heart ached at your words. He had grown up under his fatherâs strict guidance, but at least he had racingâa dream to hold onto. But you? You hadnât even been allowed the space to dream.
âThen start small,â Max said gently. âYou donât have to figure it all out today. Weâll take it one step at a time.â
Your smile wavered as a question formed on your lips. âWhy are you being so kind to me now?â
The question caught Max off guard, but he didnât look away. âBecause Iâve been an idiot.â he admitted. âI was so focused on how unfair this whole situation was for me that I didnât stop to think about how much worse it must be for you. Youâre here, in a place thatâs completely unfamiliar, with someone you barely know.â
You blinked, your lashes fluttering as tears threatened to spill.
âAnd the more I think about it.â Max continued, his voice tinged with angerânot at you, but at the circumstances. âThe more I realise how much youâve been⌠controlled. By your father, by this arrangement. I canât change the past, but I can make sure you donât feel like that anymore. Not while youâre here with me.â
Your breath hitched, and a tear slipped down your cheek. You wiped it away quickly, embarrassed by your reaction. âI donât know what to say.â
âYou donât have to say anything,â Max said softly. âJust⌠promise me youâll try. Try to let yourself live a little, yeah?â
âI can try.â You whispered.
He smiled, a genuine warmth in his expression that you hadnât seen before. âGood. Thatâs all Iâm asking for.â
For the rest of the evening, Max stayed close but didnât push you further. He handed you the remote to the television and suggested you pick something to watch while he cleaned up the kitchen. At first, you stared at the remote like it was a foreign object, unsure if you were really allowed to make the choice.
When Max returned, he saw you had settled on a light-hearted comedy, though you looked almost guilty about it. He sat beside you on the sofa, keeping a respectful distance.
âGood choice.â He said, nodding at the screen. âI like this one.â
âReally?â You asked, surprised.
âYeah. Itâs funny.â He glanced at you. âDo you not like it?â
âNo, I do. I just⌠Iâm not used to picking.â
Maxâs chest tightened. He didnât know whether to feel anger at the people who had conditioned you this way or frustration at himself for not seeing it sooner.
âWell, from now on, you can pick whatever you like.â He said with a small shrug, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
You nodded, a tiny but genuine smile tugging at the corners of your mouth.
As the film played, Max stole a few glances at you. You didnât laugh out loud at the jokes, but he could see the faintest quirk of your lips, the way your shoulders relaxed just slightly. It wasnât much, but it was progress.
When the credits rolled, you turned to him, your expression a mix of gratitude and uncertainty. âThank you, Max. For⌠everything today.â
He waved it off, leaning back against the cushions. âDonât mention it. This is just the start, yeah?â
You nodded again, the hope in your eyes a little brighter this time. For the first time in years, you allowed yourself to believe that maybe, just maybe, things could get better.
The next day, you heard Max calling for Jimmy. His voice carried through the house with growing urgency. Curiosity tugged at you, so you stepped out of your room to see what was going on.
âHave you seen Jimmy?â Max asked as soon as he spotted you in the hallway.
You shook your head. âNo, I havenât.â
âStrange, he never wanders off too far. Letâs check around the house.â Max suggested.
You nodded, and the two of you began searching every nook and cranny. As you walked past one of the guest rooms, you stopped and tugged at the handle of the door. It didnât budge.
âI canât open this door.â you called out to Max, who quickly came over.
He gave the handle a firm tug but had no more luck than you. âItâs locked from the inside.â He muttered, pressing his ear to the door. Thatâs when you both heard itâa muffled, distressed meow.
âI think Jimmy locked himself in.â You said, your voice tinged with concern. âWhat are we going to do?â
Max frowned, considering his options. âLetâs look it up on YouTube.â He said, pulling out his phone.
The two of you stood shoulder to shoulder, watching a video tutorial on unlocking a door without a key. The longer the video played, the more your frown deepened.
âThis looks complicated.â You said, glancing up at Max, who seemed equally dubious.
âYeah, it does.â He admitted before disappearing down the hallway. Moments later, he returnedâwith a hammer.
âYouâre going to break the door down?â You asked, your eyes wide in disbelief.
âWhat other option do we have?â Max countered, already sizing up the door as though it were a rival on the track.
Before you could argue, he raised the hammer and brought it down with a loud bang. You flinched at the sound, your astonishment quickly turning to amusement. Holding Maxâs phone in your hands, an idea struck you.
As Max continued to hack away at the doorâhis small hammer looking almost comically inadequate against the solid woodâyou began recording. The absurdity of the scene combined with Maxâs intense focus had you giggling quietly.
Max paused mid-swing, glancing over his shoulder when he heard your laughter. He smiled to himself. The sound was soft and delicate, like something fragile coming back to life. He decided then and there he wanted to hear it more often.
Finally, after several minutes of determined hammering, Max managed to break a hole large enough to reach through and unlock the door. As soon as the door creaked open, Jimmy bolted out of the room like his tail was on fire, his fur puffed up and his eyes wild with panic.
âThat was⌠something.â Max said, running a hand through his hair as he headed to the kitchen. He set the hammer down on the counter and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, taking a long sip.
You followed him into the kitchen, your focus still on the phone. The video youâd taken was playing, and a smile tugged at your lips as you watched Maxâs determined hammer-wielding.
Max turned to you, noticing your amusement. âI want to give you, my number.â He said suddenly, his tone casual despite the faint flush creeping up his ears.
âHmm?â You hummed, looking up from the phone.
âMy number.â Max repeated, shifting slightly, the tips of his ears went red. âIn case something happens, besides youâre married now. You should have each otherâs numbers at least.â
âOh.â You said, handing his phone back to him. âI donât have a phone.â
Max froze, staring at you like youâd just announced you didnât believe in electricity.
âYou donât have a phone?â He asked, his voice laced with disbelief.
You shook your head. âNo. My dad said it was a waste of time and that it was better for me to focus on my training. He said it was for my protection⌠from guys online.â You shrugged, your tone casual as though it were the most normal thing in the world.
Max set his water bottle down with a heavy thud, his jaw tightening. âI hate that man more every day.â He muttered under his breath.
You blinked at his reaction, confused by the intensity in his voice. âItâs not that big of a deal.â You said, brushing it off.
âIt is.â Max said firmly. âYouâre getting a phone tomorrow.â
You opened your mouth to protest but stopped yourself. The truth was, youâd always secretly wanted a phone. It had seemed like a symbol of freedomâsomething you never had. And now, Max was offering to get you one without you even asking.
âOkay.â You said softly, a small grin spreading across your face.
Max noticed and couldnât help but smile in return. He picked up his water bottle and took another sip, his chest filling with quiet satisfaction.
Just then, Jimmy sauntered into the kitchen as if nothing had happened, his tail held high and his expression one of utter nonchalance.
âLook at that troublemaker.â Max said with a chuckle, watching as Jimmy headed straight for his water bowl. âActing like he didnât just give us a heart attack.â
You laughed again, and Max found himself smiling even wider. Yes, he decided. He would make sure you laughed more oftenâno matter what it took.
The next morning, you make breakfast for both you and Max. Itâs a quiet meal, shared in comfortable silence, before you both retreat to your rooms to finish getting ready. Dressed in one of the shirts and jeans you bought, you hold your heels in your hands as you head to the door. Slipping them on, you wince slightly as the straps press against the tender skin at the back of your feet. Max steps out shortly after, and together you leave the penthouse.
The car ride is tranquil, with you staring out the window for a while before glancing around.
âI like this car.â You say softly, running your fingers over the leather seat. Max smiles, his hands relaxed on the steering wheel. Heâs driving the same Aston Martin today, saving the Valkyrie for another time. It gets him too much attention.
âCan you drive?â Max asks after a moment, glancing at you.
Your cheeks flush. âNo.â
He hums thoughtfully. âWeâll have to change that.â Thereâs a note of determination in his voice. Heâs a Formula 1 world champion; his wife will know how to drive. âYou do want to learn, right?â
âYes. Maybe not in a supercar, but yes.â You admit with a small smile. Another form of freedom youâd been denied. Another gift Max wanted to give you.
âWeâll start with a sedan.â He says, already planning out the details in his mind.
At the Apple Store, Max leads you inside, where you both gravitate toward a display of phones.
âWhat colour do you want?â He asks, standing close beside you. After a moment of contemplation, you tell him your favourite. Max nods, relaying the choice to a sales assistant, and adds a laptop, iPad, mouse, earbuds, earphones, and a phone case to the list.
âThatâs too much.â You whisper, leaning toward him.
Max takes your hand gently, and you freeze, startled by the unexpected intimacy. His gaze is steady, his voice low so only you can hear. âItâs not too much. I want to give you everything you werenât allowed to have.â His thumb brushes over your wedding ring, and his lips curve into a soft smile. âThis is just the beginning.â
Reluctantly, you let him take the lead, wandering around the store as Max finalises the purchases. But after a while, your feet begin to ache, and you take a seat in one of the chairs near the display laptops. The relief is immediate, but you can feel the cut on your heel reopening.
From across the store, Max notices you frown as you touch your foot. His sharp eyes take in the subtle signs of discomfort, and when he sees you sigh, he excuses himself from the cashier. He walks over, carrying the bags, just as you look up and smile at himâa real smile, one that lights up your face.
It stops him in his tracks. For the first time, Max feels the warmth of your happiness directed at him, and heâs momentarily stunned. But as you stand, he notices the slight wince and follows your gaze. His eyes fall to your feet, he canât see anything. He makes you walk in front of him and then he sees it, the backs of your feet are red and bleeding.
âY/n.â He says his voice a mix of concern and frustration. You glance at him, confused, until you notice where heâs looking.
âMax.â you murmur softly, instinctively stepping to the side.
âTake them off.â He says through gritted teeth, crouching beside you.
Your cheeks burn as you look around the store, worried about the eyes on you both. âMaxââ
âYouâre in pain. Take them off.â He insists, his tone leaving no room for argument. When you hesitate, Max gently sets the bags down and reaches for your foot.
âMax!â You protest, placing your hands on his shoulders to stop him. He looks up at you, his eyes blazing with determination, and your resolve crumbles. Slowly, you step out of one heel, using his shoulder for balance, and then the other. The relief is instant.
Max clenches his jaw as he examines the heels. They look pristine on the outside, but the insides are stained with bloodâboth fresh and old. His chest tightens.
Standing, he towers over you, the anger in his eyes sharp enough to make you step back. âDo you even like wearing heels?â He asks, his voice tense. You shake your head, unsure how to answer.
âNot really.â You admit quietly.
âDamn it, y/n!â Maxâs voice rises slightly, and you flinch, your heart was beating hard in your chest. He freezes, his frustration giving way to dread as he sees you retreat. Youâre scared. Not of the world champion standing before you, but of what he representedâa shadow of your past. Gone the smile you had when you saw him, youâre frowning, trying to be in control of your feeling and reactions.
âY/nââ You turn abruptly, walking away on bare feet, your steps hurried. âWait!â Max calls after you, and you freeze in place. âFuck.â
Max hates himself so much right now. Tears threatening to spill from your eyes as he approaches you. Heâs taken so many steps towards making you comfortable and here heâs undone most of them. Max leaves the bags and heels and walks up to you, he takes your hand in his and pulls you out of the store. He quickly finds a hidden spot way from praying eyes and ears. When he finally faces you, he sees the tears in your eyes and wobbling lips. âShit, fuck, Iâm sorry, Iâm really sorry.â Tears leave your eyes, and Max feels himself tearing up, he messed up, he messed up really bad.
âI didnât mean to be angry at you, Iâm sorry.â He says, his voice breaking. âIâm just angry about how you were treated, I want you to be happy, I want to make your life easier. Iâm angry at how no one cared enough to stop it. But I rushed you, and thatâs on me.â Max stops for a second, youâre not looking at him. âThatâs a lot of Iâs, I was selfish, I thought about how I wanted you to feel and now how you wanted to take things, I rushed you, Iâm sorry. Iâm sorry, I remind you of him.â His voice cracks.
A sob escapes your lips, and before you can stop yourself, youâre leaning into him. Max wraps his arms around you tightly, holding you as you cry. For the first time, youâre not crying alone, you werenât hugging and comforting yourself. He doesnât try to shush you or pull away. He just holds you.
Max may have caused you to cry, but he didnât leave you to cry, he came after you and apologised. You know that as much as everything heâs doing is new to you, itâs also new to him. Every day youâre realising that youâre not normal, that what you went through isnât normal.
âWhen youâre ready.â Max murmurs into your hair. âIâd like to know everything. Everything your dad did to you.â You shake your head, and though it pains him, Max doesnât push. âWhen youâre ready.â he repeats.
You donât know how long you stay there, shielded by his embrace, Max just holds you, hiding your face from the world, giving you the comfort you need. When you finally pull away, Max wipes the tears from your cheeks.
âLetâs go home.â He says softly, crouching to untie his shoes and place them in front of you.
âMax, you donât have toââ You begin your voice is ever soft, clearly youâre exhausted..
âHumour me.â He insists with a small smile. You nod, sliding your feet into the oversized shoes as Max ties the laces snugly.
At the car, you slip in and Max turns on the car before he jogs back to the store to grab the bags but returns empty-handed when it comes to your heels. He tosses them in a nearby bin, not wanting their memory to linger.
The drive back is quiet. Both of you are lost in thought, but the silence is no longer uncomfortable. Itâs reflective.
The car ride back is heavy with unspoken thoughts. Youâre lost in the moment you flinched and stepped away from Max. He hadnât even raised his voice by much, his hands remained by his sides, yet you flinched. Scared.
You didnât want to feel scared. You knew, deep down, that there was no reason to be scared. Max cares. Heâs shown you more kindness and humility than anyone else in your life, even during the days when he ignored your existence.
For Max, the silence in the car speaks volumes. Heâs seen his share of abuseâread about it, watched it unfold in the mediaâbut now, sitting beside you, heâs realising the extent of your mistreatment. It wasnât just mental or emotional. It was physical, too.
The quiet lingers as you both walk into the penthouse. Max turns to you, his expression soft.
âYou can get changed, and weâll set up your devices,â he says.
You nod and retreat to your room, shedding the thrift store clothes for your pyjamas. The soft fabric feels like a balm after the dayâs events.
When you return to the living room, Max has unpacked everything from the bags. He looks up at you, his expression warm.
âI wanted you to open the boxes.â He says, his voice almost shy. He knows the joy of opening something new, especially something youâve wanted for so long. He wonders if youâve ever had that experience. Sitting beside him on the sofa, you tuck your legs under you. âWhere do you want to start?â
âThe phone?â You suggest.
Max grins, handing you the box. You unwrap it, excitement bubbling in your chest. He guides you through setting it up, letting you explore while he works on the laptop. Heâs already created an email for you, logging into everything you might need.
His number is the only contact in your phone, and you ask him to transfer the video of him breaking the door. He obliges with a faint chuckle.
âMax?â You ask hesitantly, looking up from the screen.
He hums in response, glancing over.
âIs there an app for Formula 1?â
His brow arches. âYes. Why?â
âSo, I can know when youâre racing.â You admit shyly, holding out your phone. Maxâs smile softens as he opens the App Store. âNow I can also look up anything I didnât understand from watching last time.â
âYou watched the race?â This is news to max; he had no idea you watched the last two races. Itâs something youâve done on his smart TV but didnât want him to know at first thinking heâd be angry.
âI didnât.â Max admits. âDid you enjoy it?â
Your smile grows, and it feels like the first time Max has seen you truly at ease. âIt was fun. I didnât understand everything, but you came first both times.â
The pride in your voice makes his chest swell. âWell, now you can text me if you donât understand something. After the race, Iâll explain everything.â
As the day unfolds, you grow more comfortable beside him on the sofa. Max helps you connect everything to your phone, downloading apps like Netflix and upgrading his Spotify to a duo plan. At some point, he broaches another idea.
âCan I order you some shoes?â
You glance up from your phone, hesitant. âJust one or two.â You say.
Max nods with a smile, but later, as he sits with his laptop, he realises he has no idea where to start. Heâs never shopped for womenâs shoes before. After a moment, he glances at you.
âDo you mind if I invite some friends tomorrow?â
You blink, surprised. âItâs your house. You can do whatever you want.â
âAnd you live here too.â Max counters gently. He sends a quick text before adding. âLetâs watch a film.â
You pick a random movie, and as night falls, the weight of the day catches up with you. The popcorn bowl between you grow forgotten as your eyes drift shut. At one point your eyes snap shut and donât open again your head eventually tilts to the side, landing on Maxâs shoulder.
Startled, Max glances down. For a moment, he freezes, unsure what to do. Your soft breathing fans his neck. Max tried not to move much but get you in a comfortable position, you groaned when he moved and buried your face into his shoulder. Maxâs arm was in the air, he didnât know what to do. When you moved closer, he placed his arm around your shoulder. That settled you down and he relaxes.
By the time the credits roll, Max thought itâs best to get you to bed. Carefully, he moves, trying not to wake you. He slides from under you, laying you down on the sofa before scooping you into his arms.
In your room, Max pulls back the covers and places you on the bed, tucking you in as you mumble incoherently. Jimmy jumps up onto the bed, curling up beside you. Max lingers for a moment, brushing a strand of hair from your face.
For the first time, you look peaceful. Truly relaxed.          Â
Max opened the lamp by the bed, casting a soft glow in the room, Jimmy jumped on the bed and curled into himself to fall asleep. Max took you in, heâs never seen you so relaxed before, so at peace. He wonders if itâs the only time you truly relax. Instinctively he pushes a few strands form your face. You sigh. With a soft smile Max turns off the lamp and leaves your room.
That night, Sassy sleeps in his bed, as if the cats have decided to split their time between you both, keeping you company in their own way.
The next day, around noon, Maxâs friends arrived. You werenât sure what to expect, but stepping out of your room, you froze when you saw the familiar face of the Ferrari driver who had been racing against Max last week.
âHi, Iâm Charles.â He introduced himself warmly, leaning in for the traditional Monaco greeting. You exchanged a quick press of the cheeks before your gaze shifted to the woman standing beside him. She was stunning, elegant, and radiated a warmth that put you slightly at ease.
âIâm Alexandra, but you can call me Alex.â She said, extending her hand. You repeated the greeting and introduced yourself.
âIâm y/n.â
Both of them noticed the rings adorning your left hand but didnât comment. Youâd noticed that Max wasnât wearing his, though you hadnât commented on.
The four of you moved into the living room, and you instinctively sat beside Max. His presence anchored you, offering a sense of security in the unfamiliar social situation. For a while, the conversation flowed lightly until Max and Charles excused themselves, heading to the balcony. You hesitated, but Alex smiled, clearly sensing your nervousness.
 âHow long have you been in Monaco?â She said kindly.
You thought for a moment. âAbout a month.â
âThatâs still pretty new! Iâm guessing you donât have many friends here yet?â
You shook your head.
âWellâŚâ Alex said with a mischievous grin, âIâve been looking for a new shopping partner. Maybe youâd like to join me sometime?â
Your cheeks warmed. âIâm not very good at shopping.â You admitted, fiddling with the edge of your sleeve.
âThatâs okay! We can figure it out together.â She reassured you before pulling out her phone. âHere, let me get your number.â
She tapped it into her contacts, and you found yourself relaxing slightly. Alex didnât press you with questions about yourself, instead sharing light anecdotes about her life. At one point, she showed you a picture on her phoneâa beautiful painting that immediately drew your attention.
âThatâs gorgeous.â You said, leaning closer. âIt looks so calm and peaceful.â
âItâs by Claude Monet, part of his Water Lilies series,â Alex explained, watching your expression soften. âDo you like art?â
You hesitated, a small smile forming. âI do. I always wanted to study it.â
Alexâs eyes lit up. âReally? I went to art school! Iâd love to talk more about it with you.â
Excitedly, you leaned in as Alex recounted her studies and experiences. You felt a spark of joy in the conversation, a rare moment of connection that felt genuine. When Max and Charles returned, you and Alex were laughing at one of her stories.
âWhatâs so funny?â Charles asked, sitting beside Alex and kissing her cheek.
âOh, I was just telling y/n about my old art professor.â Alex replied. She turned to Max, her smile widening. âDid you know she loves art?â
Maxâs gaze shifted to you, his expression softening. âYou do?â
You nodded shyly.
âShe wanted to study it.â Alex added, and you saw the flicker of recognition in Maxâs eyes as he took that in.
âDo you guys want to go out to eat?â Charles asked, your eyes snapped to Maxâs you donât have any shoes. But before you could panic, Alex chimed in.
âWhy donât we order in instead? Itâs cozier that way.â
You shot her a grateful look, and she winked.
Lunch was lively, Charles regaling you all with stories from his and Maxâs childhood. You found yourself laughing more than you had in years, and Max couldnât take his eyes off you. The sound of your laughter, the way your face lit upâit was like watching a new side of you emerge, you leaned towards him when you laughed.
Charles isnât stupid he knew Max cared for you, even if he didnât know exactly whatâs going on. Heâs known Max since they were kids, thereâs something between the two of you.
âYou should come to a race sometime.â Alex said casually.
You glanced at Max, who raised an eyebrow as if to say it was entirely your decision.
âMaybe.â You said, a small smile tugging at your lips. âIf youâll be there.â
Alex clapped her hands in delight. âOf course, I will! Itâll be so much fun.â
After Charles and Alex left, you helped Max clean up, the two of you working quietly in sync.
âHow was it?â He asked, his tone careful.
âThey were nice,â you said with a soft smile. âI had fun.â Max relaxed slightly, but then your smile faltered. âIâve never had friends who werenât chosen by my dad.â
You didnât elaborate, but the weight of your words hung in the air. Max didnât press, giving you space to share only what you were ready to.
Once the kitchen was tidy, you leaned against the counter, watching Max move about. He glanced at you curiously.
âWhat?â
âThank you.â You said quietly.
âFor what?â
âFor everything.â You said, your voice trembling slightly. âFor telling Charles and Alex what I needed without saying anything personal.â You tell him and glance at the floor before you look up again, your eyes meeting his. âThank you for being the kindest person I ever met.â
Max froze. âI wasnât kind at first.â he murmured, guilt flickering in his eyes.
You shook your head. âEven then, you cared more than anyone else ever did.â Your voice broke. âI know you didnât want this, I know that my dad forced you into it. And you didnât have to be nice to me, but Iâve been alone for so many years.â A tear slipped down your cheek. Max was in front of you in an instant, his hands gently cupping your face. He wiped the tear away, his eyes locked on yours. âMy sisterâŚâ you whispered, Max frowns he had no idea you have a sister. âShe turned eighteen and left. I was nine. She never called, never sent anything. And my mum died giving birth to me, and after that... it was just my dad.â Your voice cracked as more tears fell. âNo one ever asked what I wanted or cared if I was okay. As long as I did well in school, no one cared.â
Maxâs jaw tightened, his eyes burning with an unspoken rage. But he buried it, focusing instead on you. Still holding your face, and your eyes not wavering away from each other, Max leans over and places his lips softly on your forehead.
âI promise youâll never feel like that again.â He whispered against your skin. âIâll do everything in my power to make you happy.â
âYou donât have toââ
âI want to.â
You let out a shaky breath and leaned into his chest, letting him hold you. For the first time, you felt like you could let go of the weight youâd been carrying for so long.
When you finally pulled back, Max smiled softly, and you returned it, the moment settling between you like a quiet promise.
It was a quiet Sunday morning with no race this week. You and Max had just finished breakfastâsomething simple, part of the diet routine his trainer had him on. You were following his plan, eating smaller portions, and Max had noticed you snacking more these days, which made him happy. After everything that had happened, he wasn't pushing you to eat more than you wanted.
Max sat back with his tea, scrolling through his phone when it rang. The number was familiarâit was his mum.
Bold is Dutch
"Hey, Mum."
"Hey, honey, I just got off the phone with your dad." Sophieâs voice sounded tense, and Max tensed instinctively, already sensing where this conversation was going.
"Yeah?" Max asked, trying to sound casual.
"He told me something weird⌠he said⌠he said you got married." There was a long pause, and Sophie didn't give him time to run around it. "Max, is this true?"
Max cursed under his breath, closing his eyes. The silence dragged on.
"Look, Mum, itâs hard to explain." Max began, but Sophie wasnât having it.
"Hard to explain? Max, did you get married? Yes, or no?" Her voice was sharp now, demanding an answer. Max rubbed his eyes, exhaling slowly.
"Yes." He admitted.
"And you didnât think to tell us? Who did you even marry? What the hell have you gotten yourself into? Is she pregnant or something?" Sophieâs voice cracked with worry. Max could hear the disbelief in her words. His mother wasnât the type to overreact, but this was too much.
"Mum, calm down." Max sat up straighter, his voice calming. "Look, Dad signed a contract years ago, and if it ever gets out, he could be sent to prison. The man who signed it made me marry his daughter to keep everything quiet."
"What the fuck is wrong with your father?" Sophie wasnât expecting Max to have an answer to that. "You canât get out of it?"
"No, I couldnât." Maxâs voice was steady but firm.
"Is she living with you?" Sophie asked, her worry turning into concern for Maxâs well-being.
"Yes." Max's voice softened slightly.
"Mum, be careful. I donât know her, but she could be the one who asked her dad to do this. You can never be too sure with people like that."
Max paused, a flicker of protectiveness for you rising in him. "Mum, sheâs not like that."
There was silence on the other end of the line as Sophie processed his words. Max felt the weight of her judgment shift. He had to convince her of this, for you.
"Sheâs nice. Quiet. Really beautiful. And sheâs nothing like her dad. If anything, Iâm just happy sheâs away from him."
Sophie was silent, the tension hanging thick. She wasnât used to hearing her son speak so openly about someone like this. "
"You like her." She said, the words not quite a question but more of a realization.
Max let out a breath he hadnât realized heâd been holding. "I do." And for the first time heâs said it out loud.
âI want to meet her.â Sophie said, her voice firm but not unkind. Sheâll cast all judgment to the side until she met you.
âIâll talk to her.â Max promised, knowing it was important for you to decide if and when you felt comfortable with meeting his family.
After the call ended, Max sat there for a moment, gathering his thoughts before heading back to you.
ây/n.â Max called as he entered the room. You looked up from the iPad, where youâd been experimenting with ProCreate.
"In two weeks, itâs the Dutch Grand Prix. Do you want to come with me?"
You raised an eyebrow, a little hesitant. "Will Alex be there?"
Max smiled, the corner of his lips twitching.
"I donât know, but my mum and sister will be, and my mum wants to meet you." You bit your bottom lip, a nervous habit youâd picked up, and started scratching at your nail bed. "You donât have to come if itâs too much."
"No, itâs okay⌠do they know?" You asked, hesitant but curious.
Max nodded. "Yeah. I donât know about Victoria, but Mum wants to meet you first before anything." He gave a small, reassuring smile. âI know itâs a lot. You donât have to do this if youâre not ready."
You nodded slowly, but the nerves were already starting to bubble in your stomach, your mind started overthinking every possible scenario that could happen. "I donât know⌠what if they donât like me?"
Maxâs voice softened, a hint of concern crossing his face. "Donât do that." He said gently, cupping your face. "Donât get lost in your thoughts."
You sighed, your shoulders sinking a little. "I justâŚ"
"Show me what youâve done." Max said, cutting through your train of thought. He gently nudged you aside and sat next to you on the couch.
You hesitated before showing him your drawing on the iPad. Max leaned in, studying the strokes and lines youâd created. He didnât know much about art, but the smile on his face said everything. To him, it looked good.
He turned to you, eyes soft. "Itâs great. Youâre really talented."
You felt a warmth bloom in your chest at his compliment.
Heâs been talking with Alex for help, heâs getting you a good starter kit, different mediums and everything until you find what you like. Max has another an empty bedroom, where his sim was supposed to go, before he sat it up in the living room, he can convert it to your studio. He was making sure you had everything you needed to thrive.
"Will you come to the next race with me?" Max asked softly. "Just so you can see everything before you meet my mum and sister. Itâll be nice to have you there."
You agreed to go with him to the next two weeks, first stop was Hungary and then it was the Netherlands.
Alex would be there as well, and that eased your nerves a little, knowing youâd have someone else you were comfortable with.
Max also made sure you had some new clothes, a few more pairs of shoesâsomething that made him happy. Youâd ordered them online, and he was genuinely excited to see you enjoy these little things.
While packing, Maxâs eyes fell on the wedding band heâd taken off and placed on his bedside table. It had been there ever since, untouched. Without thinking much about it, he slipped it into his luggage.
The atmosphere of the paddock was nothing like youâd expectedâit was electric, buzzing with activity. Alex made sure to meet up with you once the drivers had to go in for media duties. She showed you around, introducing you to the other WAGs, who were all genuine and easy to talk to.
Lilly showed you TikTok, and you downloaded the app instantly, amused by how much you were missing out. The girls didnât pry into your relationship with Max. They accepted you for who you wereâjust a friend of Max, now Alexâs as well.
The weekend was enjoyable, thanks to them. You watched the race from the Red Bull garage, chatting with Max between sessions. Some photos were snapped, but no one really knew who you were. Your anonymity remained intact, despite the rumours circulating about you and Max.
Max kept an eye on the gossip online. He didnât care about the usual scrutiny, but his family was off-limits. No one had asked for his life to be under a microscope. And now, you were part of his family. You shared his name.
That thought made something in Max shift. He felt a deep sense of possessiveness, pride even, that you had his last name. The primal part of him loved that you were his, and that realization struck him late that night. He wasnât just liking you anymoreâhe was falling for you. Fast.
But Max wasnât used to slow. He liked things fast, hard, and with determination. He knew what he wanted, and now that he had you, he would do whatever it took to keep you.
Usually, Max flies with his friends from race to race on his private jet, but since heâs bringing you this time, itâs just the two of you.
âHow was the race weekend?â Max asked, eager to hear your thoughts.
âIt was a lot.â You admitted, and his heart sank a little. He wanted you to enjoy it and wondered if he shouldâve asked if you wanted to go in the first place. âBut I enjoyed it. It was different from seeing it on TV. Also, the girls were all very nice. Iâve never been to something like this before. I wanted to see you win, though.â
âMaybe next time.â Max chuckled softly before adding, âIâm glad you enjoyed it.â
âThank you.â
âYou donât have to thank me.â
You and Max arrived in the Netherlands on Monday. The first two days, youâll stay at his mumâs house, and then heâll move to a hotel closer to the track. Your nail beds were raw from all the scratching you were doing, a nervous habit you couldnât seem to shake.
In the car, Max took your hand in his, gently running his fingers over the red and irritated areas. You glanced at him, expecting a question or a comment, but he remained focused on your hand, his touch warm and soothing. Your heart raced, a blush creeping up your cheeks as his attention left you feeling giddy. No guy had ever held your hand before.
Your mind wandered. Every small thing Max did made you question whether it was all platonic or if he had feelings for you. You couldnât deny that you had feelings for him. Every time he was near, your heart skipped a beat, and you felt weightless.
When you arrived at his mumâs house, his mum and sister were already at the door, waiting. As you both walked up, pulling your luggage behind you, Max greeted Sophie with a warm hug. Victoria waited her turn before stepping in for her own hug.
After they let Max go, Sophie turned to you with a kind smile. âHi, Iâm Sophie,â she said.
You smiled timidly and offered your hand. âHi, Iâm Y/N.â
She shook your hand warmly before Victoria followed suit.
âLetâs go inside,â Sophie said, leading the way.
Max lingered for a moment, his eyes meeting yours as if silently asking if you were okay. You gave him a small smile, and the two of you followed them inside.
Once inside, you placed your bags next to Maxâs and joined them in the living room. Max gestured for you to sit next to him on the couch, while Sophie and Victoria settled across from you. It felt like an interview, the kind where every word mattered.
Sophie broke the silence first. âTell us a little about yourself, y/n. Max hasnât said much.â
Your fingers unconsciously returned to scratching. âI-uh, what do you want to know?â
Sophie gave you a reassuring smile. âWhere did you grow up?â
âOh, we moved a lot. I was last in Switzerland, but before that, we lived in the UK, Spain, and Germany for a while.â
âIt mustâve been hard moving countries and losing your friends.â Victoria said sympathetically.
You shrugged. âItâs alright. I learnt many languages.â You dismiss their concerns, youâve never had much of friends in the first place, so moving wasnât hard on you in that aspect.
âOh? How many do you know?â Sophie asked, intrigued.
âGerman, Spanish, French, a bit of Italian, and some Dutch.â
âYou know Dutch?â Max asked, clearly surprised.
You smiled genuinely for the first time since sitting down. âYeah, not fluently, but enough. Itâs a little similar to German and French.â
âThatâs impressive.â Sophie said.
âThank you.â You replied, brushing off the compliment.
âDid you watch Formula 1 before meeting Max?â Sophie asked.
âNo. I had no idea about it until⌠Max.â You hesitated, unsure how much to share.
âWhat are your socials? I want to follow you.â Victoria said, pulling out her phone.
âI donât have any.â Your fingers returned to scratching. They both looked at Max, who nodded in confirmation. You added quietly. âDidnât have a phone until Max got me one.â
âReally?â Victoriaâs shock was evident.
âYour mother was okay with this?â Sophie asked, her voice softer now. She would never leave her daughter without a phone in case something happened to her, and she needed help. Even if just an old phone or limit access to internet, but not having a phone is bazaar. Your nail digs into your skin.
Max glanced at you, his concern growing as he noticed your nails digging into your skin. Without a word, he took your hand in his again.
âI think maybe we should rest first.â Max says wanting to get you out of this situation.
âItâs alright.â You squeeze his hand, Max is closer to you now, your hand in his on his thigh. You give him the smallest of smiles, before turning to his family. âMy mum died giving birth to me.â
âAnd your siblings?â Sophie asked hesitantly.
âRan away when she turned 18.â You said matter-of-factly. âI know youâre just looking out for Max, but I would never hurt him. I only want the best for him.â
Sophie softened. âThank you.â She said with a small smile.
Later that night, you were in one of the spare rooms, dressed in your pyjamas, staring out of the window when Max knocked on the door.
âCome in.â You called.
Max stepped inside, closing the door behind him. âHow are you doing?â
âIâm alright.â You replied simply.
âThey werenât too much, were they?â He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
âNo, they love you.â
âThey do.â Max paused, guilt creeping in. Even with his rough childhood, heâd had his mum and sister. Youâd had no one.
âDonât do that,â you said, raising a hand to smooth the furrow between his brows.
âDo what?â He took your hand from his face into his. He studies your hand, making sure thereâs no more cuts on them.
âFeel guilty. Hate that you had a better life than me.â You said softly. âWeâve both had rough childhoods, but weâre here now.â
âWeâre here now.â Max repeated, his voice heavy with emotion. For a moment, silence filled the room until you broke it.
âYou know Iâve suffered all types of abuse from my dad.â Maxâs grip on your hand tightened, his jaw clenching. âWhen I wouldnât do what he wanted or got less than perfect on tests, heâd pull me by my hair. He loved seeing me stumble, dragging me around like I was nothing. Sometimes he hit me, but never hard enough to leave permanent marks. When my sister escaped, he made sure I couldnât. He couldnât break her, so he broke me.â
âHe didnât break you.â Max said firmly. You looked at him, your eyes hollow. âHe didnât. Youâre here. Youâre strong. Youâre not following his rules anymore. You have a phone, you wear what you want, and youâre living your life. If he broke you, you wouldnât have any of that.â
âAll of that is because of you.â You countered. âYou made me do all that.â
âNo, you let me help you, you let me do all those things for you.â Max wanted you to understand how strong you are, how brave you are. âSomeone else wouldâve still ben in that shell, theyâd still be afraid. Are you scared?â
âNot when Iâm with you.â You admitted.
âAnd Iâm not going anywhere.â Max whispers and you lean over and hug him. Something that you have come to love. You may have not experienced a lot of hugs in your life, but Maxâs hugs are your favourite. There can never be a hug like his, a hug that makes you warm, feel protected, safe a hug that feels like home. Max waits until you pull away, his fingertips come up to your face and push the stray hairs out of your face. Your eyes locked in an intense gaze. After what feels like forever Max lets out a breath, he leans over and presses his lips to your forehead, before he bids you good night.
That night you dream of him; you dream of what it would be like being in a real relationship with Max. And you wake up wishing it was the truth; you wake up wishing that you were really with him.
Max wanted nothing but to find your dad and beat him up, who treats their daughters like this. How can he be human? He should be locked up. It took everything in him not to track him down, when you told him, and just end him. Just so he wouldnât breathe the same air you breath, so he wouldnât walk the same earth youâre walking. Max had to remind himself that youâre with him now, that your father wonât get to you. He gave you to Max and now you belong to him. And so, he planned.
The next few days felt surreal, almost as if you had stepped into a different life. Whether at her home or in the paddock, you spent most of your time with Sophie and Victoria, getting to know them in a more natural way. Victoria introduced you to her children and her partner, who seemed to warm up to you quickly. Their acceptance gave you a quiet sense of reliefâyou were finally starting to feel like part of something good.
On Media Day, you managed to catch up with Alex and the girls, who urged you to sign up for Instagram, even if you didnât plan on posting anything. Their light-hearted teasing helped you relax, even if you werenât ready to make that leap just yet.
Every night, Max ensured that you all ate together as a family. He was quietly thrilled by how easily you fit in, your laughter blending seamlessly with theirs. To him, it was a sign of hope, something he hadnât realised he was holding on to so tightly.
But you were completely oblivious to the plan Max had set in motion after your heart-to-heart. Behind the scenes, he was orchestrating an end to your fatherâs influence. He wanted it done discreetly, leaving no room for you to suspect or feel burdened by it.
The energy in the paddock was electric as Quali Day unfolded, Max securing pole position in a thrilling comeback. You had been watching from the garage with Sophie, who nudged you playfully when you cheered so loudly it drew stares.
âYou look happier than he does!â Sophie teased, a warm smile on her face.
âWell, he earned it!â You replied, grinning.
Sophie took your hand, leading you to where Max would be arriving. The timing was perfectâhe walked in just as you reached the area.
âMax!â You called, your excitement spilling over as you ran up to him. Without thinking, you threw your arms around him. It wasnât like the casual hugs you had gotten used to givingâit was unreserved, spontaneous. For a moment, Max froze in surprise, but then his arms instinctively wrapped around your waist, holding you close.
âCongratulations.â You murmured against him, your voice warm with pride.
âItâs not a win yet.â Max replied, his voice muffled as he buried his face in your hair.
âYou were still amazing.â You insisted, pulling back just enough to look up at him. âI was starting to think I brought you bad luck.â
âYou can never bring me bad luck.â He whispered, his tone serious. His arms around you a beat after you let go as his team called for him. âI have to go, but Iâll see you after.â
âOkay.â You whispered, stepping back reluctantly.
Sophie smiled knowingly, taking your hand as the two of you headed back to the garage. Neither of you realised that your tender moment had been caught on a live video, now circulating online. But none of you saw it that day, so busy with your lives to log online.
Maxâs teams saw the video, they had previously asked Max about your relation to him, but he politely said itâs none of their business. Wanting the reigning world champion to focus on the win, they didnât tell him about the video.
Max clinched victory in a hard-fought race, and the celebrations were wild. You stood with Sophie and Victoria in Parc Ferme. Max held your hand for a brief moment. He hasnât talked to you yet about the media and how to deal with them, so heâd like to keep it all as private as he could. But he also wanted you to know how he apricated your presence.
The team went hard in celebrating, there was the photo taking after the media duties, champaign splashing, cheering and jumping around. You watched it all from the side with Sophie. The woman was starting to have a soft spot for you, the more time she spent with you. You left with the women to change at the hotel, for a dinner with the family, apparently even Jos was coming. You had all changed and went to the restaurant at the hotel, and Max joined you all soon after. His mum and sister purposely left the seat next to you empty, Max likes sitting next to you something that theyâve noticed.
As you scanned the menu, Max leaned closer, his arm draped casually over the back of your chair.
âDo you know what youâll order?â He asked.
âIâm torn between these two.â You replied, pointing at the options. Max leaned in further to look; his face so close that you caught a whiff of his cologne.
âWeâll get both and share.â He decided.
âAre you sure?â
He nodded firmly, his easy confidence making you smile.
Across the table, Victoria nudged Sophie, tilting her head toward the two of you. âLook at them.â She whispered. Sophie smiled back, clearly entertained by the unspoken affection radiating between you and Max.
Sharing the food was a good option, you liked both dishes, Max ate more than you did which is expected. Before you get dessert, you excused yourself to the bathroom after the main course, you stepped out into the dimly lit hallway.
The moment you rounded the corner, a hand grabbed your arm roughly. Before you could react, another hand twisted into your hair, yanking you back with enough force to make you stumble and you instantly knew who it was. A squeak left your mouth as you were dragged.
âI think you and y/n should date.â Sophie said to her son, the moment you were out of earshot.
âWhat? Weâre married.â
âYes, but not of your choice.â She says. âYou both like each other, already married, why not try to date and see where it takes you, itâs backwards but why not?â
âI donât know if she likes me.â Max said, feeling insecure all of the sudden.
âBelieve me she likes you.â Victoria says and stands up. âI need the bathroom too.â
Leaving her mum and brother to talk, she sped walked to the bathroom, regretting the last glass of wine she drank. Victoria hears a squeak; she turns and just catches a glimpse of you being pulled away. Her eyes go wide, and she rushes back to the restaurant.
âFucking bitch, shut up!â Your father spat, his voice venomous. Panic flooded you as he dragged you toward the emergency stairwell. Jos was already there, hovering uneasily but saying nothing.
Your back hit the cold concrete wall, and the impact knocked the wind out of you. Tears blurred your vision as your father loomed over you, his face twisted with rage.
âWhat did I tell you before you left?â He hissed. âI said to play dumb and keep your mouth shut! So, what the hell did you say to that asshole?â
âIâI, I donât k-know.â You stutter vision blurry.
âThe fuck you donât! What did you say that made him talk to the investors, theyâre all pulling out!â Heâs screaming now, you flinch wishing the wall to just swallow you. you thought youâd be stronger the next time you see your dad, but here you are a whimpering mess. âTalk! What did you say?â
âIâI donât know!â You cry, your voice trembling.
âBullshit!â he roared, his hand striking your cheek with enough force to snap your head to the side. You whimpered, your legs buckling beneath you. The wall behind you the only reason you didnât fall.
But before he could strike again, the door burst open. Max charged in like a storm, tackling your father to the ground with a roar of fury.
âOh my god.â You hear Sophie gasp and rushes to your side, she pulls you from the stairwell.
âYou fucking asshole!â Max shouted, landing punch after punch. âWho the hell hits women? I told you to stay away from her!â
Jos sees the rage Max is in and jumps into action, fearing his son will be locked up, he tries to pull Max of your father. Jos is far from being in his prime and Max isnât young anymore. Max glares at his father.
âMax, stop!â Jos finally intervened, trying to pull his son off. But Max shoved him away, his anger boiling over.
âPiss off, this is your fault! You brought him here!â Max spat at his father; his voice thick with betrayal. He allowed him to come close to you, saw him hit you and did nothing.
Meanwhile, Sophie had her arms wrapping protectively around you. Victoria rushed to get security, her heels clicking frantically against the tiled floor.
You hear the shouting from outside, even through your pain you want to go to Max. You try to get back inside, but Sophie stops you.
âWait, Victoria is getting security.â
âBut Max-â
âWill be fine, he wouldnât want you in there.â Just as she says that she sees the security running in your direction she points to the door, and they rush in. Thereâs more shouting and screaming from inside.
âOh my god! Are you alright?â Victoria asks stopping in front of you. Tears havenât stop, your scalp was hurting, and your cheek was pulsing. Itâll bruise, leaving a mark. âThatâs a stupid question.â
âWhat are you doing? He started it!â You hear your dad scream, the door opens, and heâs pulled outside, his vision falls on you. âI was just talking with my daughter, and he butts in.â
âThatâs my wife! And you laid hands on her.â Max says coming out of the door and takes quick steps to stand in front of you, his mum and sister. âYou should call the police.â
The security nods and they take your dad away, as one of them call for the police. Jos walks out last, and the glares turn to him.
âI donât care anymore, Iâm getting him to jail, he can do whatever he wants.â Max tells his dad, Jos looks defeated, with what happened your dad will go to the media. Thereâs no fighting this, Max may have gotten married but, in the end, heâll still be exposed.
Max then turns to you, he takes you in, your hair is a mess your mascara was running, and tears havenât stopped leaving your eyes. Also, your cheek is red and buffy. It takes a lot for Max not to run after your dad and beat him some more.
âSchatje,â Max says softly, stepping closer until thereâs almost no space between you. His hand cups your uninjured cheek, tilting your face so he can examine it. Thereâs pain in his eyes as he studies you. âI shouldâve hit him more.â
You whimper, more tears slipping down your cheeks.
âNot now, Max.â Sophie reprimands gently.
âSorry.â He mutters, taking a deep breath to steady himself. His focus shifts entirely to you. âIâm sorry, y/n. Youâre okay. Youâre safe now. I promise this is the end of it.â His voice is low but filled with conviction. âIâll make sure he never comes near you again. This was a mistake, a blip. As long as Iâm alive, no one will lay a hand on you again. Do you hear me? No one. I swear it.â
For the first time, you believe those words with your whole heart. Max would do anything to protect you. Overcome with emotion, you throw your arms around him, seeking comfort in his presence despite the pain it causes.
âMax, I... Iââ The words stick in your throat as your sobs overtake you.
âShh, itâs okay,â Max soothes, his voice a calming balm. His arms tighten around you, and his hand strokes your back gently.
When Max glances up, his eyes meet Sophieâs. The pain in his expression makes her heart ache. Any doubts she had are gone. Sophie makes a silent promise to herself: she will make sure you feel the love your family never gave you.
âMax, the hotel staff said we can wait for the police in your room.â Victoria interjects softly, breaking the moment.
Max nods in acknowledgment before turning his attention back to you. Gently, he pulls away enough to see your face.
âCome on, schatje. Weâll have more privacy in my room.â His voice is almost a whisper. You nod, letting go of him and letting him guide you. His arm wraps protectively around your shoulders, holding you close to his side. Sophie and Victoria lead the way.
The elevator ride is silent, the air heavy with unspoken emotions. Even once youâre in the room, no one speaks. You sit on the sofa, still wrapped in Maxâs embrace. Sophie hands you a water bottle, and you whisper a soft thank you.
The knock on the door is almost startling. Victoria opens it to reveal two police officers. They introduce themselves as they step inside, taking seats across from you and Max. One officer pulls out a notepad, ready to begin.
âThe hotel staff are providing us with the CCTV footage.â The kinder-looking officer says. âBut we need your statement to build the case. Can you start by telling us what happened, Miss Wilkins?â
âItâs Verstappen,â Max corrects firmly. The officer looks momentarily confused. âWeâre married. Itâs Y/N Verstappen.â
The officers exchange a quick glance before the kinder one nods. âMrs. Verstappen, can you tell us what happened?â
The words make your heart flutter momentarily, but the weight of the situation quickly crushes any joy. Taking a shaky breath, you grip Maxâs hand tightly as he laces his fingers with yours, grounding you.
âI was on my way to the bathroom when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me back. Before I could react, a hand was in my hair. I knew it was my dad.â You explain, your voice trembling. You pause to wipe at your eyes, trying to steady yourself. âHe dragged me into the stairwell. He kept asking me about something Max did... something about investors.â
You glance at Max, confusion in your eyes. Maxâs jaw tightens as guilt flashes across his face. He now understands why your father attacked youâitâs his fault.
âWhen I told him I didnât know, he hit me.â You continue, your voice cracking. âHe was about to do it again when Max arrived and stopped him.â
The officer nods, his expression sympathetic. âHas this happened before? The abuse?â
âYes,â you admit quietly. âSince I was young.â
The pity in their eyes makes your stomach turn.
âWhen was the last time, before today?â The second officer asks.
You donât need to think about it. The memory is vivid.
âA week or so after we got married.â You say.
You went and opened the door, taking a step back when you saw who it was. Your heart dropped.
âWell, look who it is? The new bride. Come give a hug to your father.â Your dad opened his arms for a hug, Jos was standing behind him. Awkwardly. This feels like an ambush. You felt so naĂŻve thinking that you wouldnât have to deal with your father anymore. That youâre free from him. Your father hated that you didnât instantly follow his rules, so he took a step closer. You then moved closer as well and opened your arms for a hug, he pulled you closer roughly, on hand on the back of your head, gripping your hair at the roots, the other on your arm. It would leave a bruise if he held you slightly harder. You held in the whimper that threatened to escape. âWhy did it take so long for you to open the door?â He didnât wait or expect an answer. âJust because youâre married, doesnât mean you can forget what I taught you.â Moving your head back, you instinctively held into his arm for balance. âAnd what are you wearing? Hmm? I thought I sent you clothes. Iâve spent so much to make you the perfect wife, and this is how you are.â
"Did someone come?" Max called out from the living room, removing his headset. You shrank back, taking a few steps away from your father. Max rounded the corner, his sharp eyes darting between your pale face and the men at the door. âWhat are you two doing here?â
âWhat?â Maxâs voice is laced with disbelief. You glance at him, biting your bottom lip.
âHe didnât hit me.â You clarify. âHe just pulled my hair.â
âFuck, Y/N,â Max whispers, running a hand down his face in frustration. âYou shouldâve told me.â
âYou stopped him. You told him not to speak to me again.â You say softly, placing your hand on his thigh in an attempt to comfort him. Max looks down at your hand, his heart breaking further. Here you are, bruised and hurting, yet still trying to console him.
âDid Jos witness everything?â The officer asks, pulling your attention back.
âYes. Today and last time.â You reply. Maxâs anger bubbles to the surface.
âWe want restraining orders against both of them. And weâll sue.â His voice is sharp, final.
The officer nods. âThatâs the next step. With the footage, this will be a straightforward case.â
âOkay, just a step by step, but with the cameras here, it will be an easy case.â The officer said looking grim. âMr. Verstappen you attacked Mr. Wilkins, right?â
âYes, he was hitting my wife.â Max admitted not fearing anything that could come his way.
âIt was self-defence.â Sophie added, the officers spared her a glance.
The officers continue asking questions and taking statements from Sophie and Victoria before leaving. Once theyâre gone, Sophie and Victoria ensure you have everything you need before saying their goodbyes, leaving you and Max alone.
The silence feels heavy again. Max moves quickly, grabbing the ice bucket that had been delivered earlier. He wraps some ice in a towel and approaches you with careful intent.
âLet me do it.â You say softly, reaching for the towel, but Max doesnât let go. His frown deepens as he presses the cold compress gently to your cheek, his gaze focused solely on the bruised skin. He still wonât meet your eyes. âMax.â You call his name quietly, but he doesnât look up. You try again. âMax, please.â Finally, his eyes flicker to yours, and what you see in them breaks your heart. Pain. Guilt. Anguish. âWhatâs wrong?â You ask, your voice trembling slightly.
âHow can you ask me that?â He says, his voice cracking. âYour dad has hurt you twice since we got married, and I didnât even know. I failed to protect you. Both times. And today... today was my fault. I tried to punish him for what he did to you, but all I did was give him a reason to come after you again. I wasnât there for you before we got married, and I couldnât protect you now. Iââ His voice falters, and you see tears welling in his eyes. Max is strong, he doesnât care about a lot of things to cry, but you? He cares about you, knowing and seeing what happened to you is tearing him apart.
âMax.â You say, your hand moving to cover his where it rests on your cheek. You sit up straighter, shifting until youâre kneeling on the sofa to face him. Your hands cup his face, forcing him to look at you.
âIâd still be with himâor worseâif it werenât for you. You saved me, Max. Iâd go through it all again if it meant Iâd end up here, with you.â
Your words are soft but resolute. You brush away a stray tear that escapes down his cheek, and Max leans into your touch, his eyes searching yours.
âI love you.â You whisper, the words slipping out effortlessly. They feel right. True.
There it was as simple as that; the words just left you easily and smoothly.
Max freezes, his breath catching in his throat. He pulls back slightly, and your hands fall away from his face. The smile you wore drops, replaced by panic as your mind races. Did you misread everything? Was Max only being kind because he felt obligated?
âIâuhâIâm sorry if I overstepped.â You stammer, standing abruptly. Your nails dig into your palms as you try to steady your breathing. âThis isnât what you wanted. Itâs not what you chose. Of course, you donât feel the same. Iâm sorryââ
âWait.â Max grabs your hand before you can reach the door, turning you to face him again. His hands rest firmly on your shoulders, grounding you. âJust... wait.â You stop, your heart hammering in your chest. His touch is gentle as he cups your jaw, his thumbs brushing your skin. âI wasnât expecting it.â He admits softly. âI was surprised, confused, afraid... I still am. I donât want you to think you love me just because I got you away from your dad. I donât want that to cloud your feelings. If you love me, I need it to be for me. For who I am.â
His words make your chest ache, but then his next words make your heart soar.
âBecause I love you.â He says. âSo much.â
Tears well in your eyes again as your voice trembles. âYou do?â
Max nods, his forehead pressing gently against yours. âIâve thought about this a lot. About us. About how I never wanted this marriage to be just an arrangement. I love you, Y/N.â
You let out a teary laugh, and Maxâs lips curve into a smile at the sound.
âI love you for you.â you assure him. âI promise. This may not have been what we planned, but Iâm glad it happened. Iâm glad I have you.â
âMe too,â he murmurs, and then his lips meet yours. The kiss is soft and tender, a promise in itself. You kiss him back, savouring the moment. When you finally pull away, you rest your head against his shoulder, letting out a long sigh.
âCan I stay with you tonight?â You ask quietly. âI donât want to be alone.â
âOf course.â His answer comes without hesitation.
Max gives you one of his shirts, and you retreat to the bathroom to change. When you return, heâs gone, but moments later, he reappears, holding your makeup remover from your room next door. His gaze softens as he takes in the sight of you standing by the bed, wearing his shirt.
Youâre too exhausted to notice the way his breath hitches, the way he has to look away for a moment to compose himself.
That night, you both fall asleep quickly. Max spoons you from behind, mindful of your injuries, his presence a shield against the nightmares that might come. In his arms, you feel safe, loved.
When Max wakes before you the next morning, he presses a gentle kiss to your shoulder before slipping out of bed. The warmth of his arms around you fades as he quietly gets out of bed, careful not to disturb you. He pauses at the edge of the mattress, his gaze lingering on your peaceful face. The bruise on your cheek looks slightly less angry now, but itâs still a stark reminder of everything you endured. Max clenches his fists as guilt and anger surge again, but he forces himself to take a deep breath. You need him to be strong, not consumed by his own emotions.
Max dresses quickly and heads into the small living area of the hotel suite, pulling out his phone. The police had assured him theyâd be in touch for follow-ups, but Max wasnât going to wait passively. He searches for a lawyer, determined to take swift action. Restraining orders would be just the start.
By the time he finishes his call, Sophie is knocking softly at the door. He lets her in, and she immediately places a comforting hand on his arm.
âHowâs she doing?â Sophie asks, her voice gentle.
âSheâs sleeping,â Max replies, his tone heavy. âI just... I donât know what else I couldâve done to stop this.â
Sophie shakes her head. âMax, none of this is your fault. Youâve done more for her than anyone else ever has. She knows that. She feels it.â
Max nods but doesnât respond. His motherâs words offer little solace when he feels like heâs failed you in so many ways. Sophie doesnât push him further, sensing his need for space, and instead busies herself in the kitchenette, preparing tea for when you wake up.
You stir a little later, the ache in your body making it hard to move. But the warmth lingering on your skin from Maxâs embrace makes you smile faintly, even through the pain. Slowly, you sit up. The events of the previous day flood back, and a lump forms in your throat.
Pulling on the robe draped over a nearby chair, you shuffle into the living area, rubbing your eyes. Max is pacing near the window, phone in hand, while Sophie sits at the small dining table, sipping tea. When she sees you, she smiles softly and stands.
âGood morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling?â She asks, her concern evident.
âIâm okay.â You reply quietly, though the rasp in your voice betrays your exhaustion. Sophie doesnât miss it and quickly ushers you to the table.
âSit. I made tea. Itâll help.â She places a cup in front of you before brushing her hand gently over your hair. âMax will be here in a minute.â
Max, who has noticed you now, ends his call abruptly and strides over. His eyes scan your face, and though he tries to hide it, you catch the flicker of pain in his expression.
âYou shouldâve stayed in bed.â He says, his tone soft but firm.
âIâve rested enough.â you reply, offering him a small, reassuring smile. âIâll be fine, Max.â
He kneels beside you, his hand covering yours on the table. âYou donât have to be fine; you know. Not yet.â
His words sink in, and you let out a shaky breath.
âI know.â you whisper. âBut I canât let him take everything from me.â
Max nods, understanding. âWeâre going to make sure he doesnât. The lawyer is already working on the restraining order. Iâve also asked them to look into filing charges. Iâm not letting this go by easily.â
The fire in his voice sends a wave of comfort through you. He wasnât just saying these things for your sake. He meant every word.
Sophie steps back, giving the two of you space, and Max pulls his chair closer to yours.
âToday.â He says gently, âWeâre going to take it one step at a time. First, weâll see what the police need. Then, weâll figure out whatâs next. And after that... weâll go home. Together.â
The word home makes your chest tighten. For so long, that word had no meaning. But now, with Max, it feels like youâre finally finding what it truly means.
Later in the day, after a follow-up with the police and some much-needed rest, you and Max prepare to leave the hotel.
Maxâs phone buzzing insistently had been a constant backdrop for the past half-hour, and finally, you couldnât take it anymore.
âMax, just answer your phone.â You said, pressing an ice pack to your cheek and watching him pace. âIt keeps ringing.â
With a sigh, Max glanced at the screen before reluctantly accepting the call.
âHello?... Yes⌠what? How did they know?... No, just the police officers andââ He paused, his expression darkening as he ran a hand through his hair. âNo, I think I said it in the hallway as well⌠fuck⌠okay, yeah⌠no⌠I said no, and I mean it. Itâs no oneâs business⌠No, because nothing in my contract says I have to⌠Mate, look, it happened. Iâm not happy about it, but it happened. End of story⌠Iâm going back to Monaco.â
He hung up, exhaling sharply as he tossed his phone onto the table. His jaw was tight, and it was clear the conversation had rattled him.
âWhat was that about?â You asked, wincing as you spoke. Your cheek throbbed, and smiling was definitely off the table until the swelling subsided.
Max hesitated, glancing at you before answering. âSomeone from the hotel leaked that weâre married.â
Your eyes widened, and you turned toward the mirror to check your face again, trying to process his words. âWhat? Howâhow did they even know?â
âDonât worry.â Max reassured you quickly, stepping closer. âWe donât have to say anything. Iâve always kept my private life private, and the police wonât release any details.â
âWhat about the officiant?â you asked, suddenly worried about the people who had been involved in your ceremony.
âIf he says anything, he can kiss his license goodbye,â Max replied firmly. âAnd if your father tries to use this, his reputationâwhatâs left of itâwill be done.â
You nodded, feeling a bit reassured by Maxâs determination. But he wasnât finished.
âNow, I need you to listen to me and think carefully before you decide.â His tone was serious, his blue eyes locked onto yours. âThere are two options: One, we can go out and face the crowd together. Or two, I can go out first, and you can follow later when things calm down.â
Your stomach churned at the thought of stepping out there alone. âDo they have my face?â
Maxâs silence was answer enough. Your heart sank, and you wrapped your arms around yourself for a moment before meeting his gaze again. âI donât want to be on my own.â
Maxâs shoulders relaxed, and he stepped closer to you.
âAlright, weâll leave together,â he said gently, taking your hands in his. âBut you need to know theyâll be taking pictures of you now. A lot. Once this is public, thereâs no going back.â
You swallowed hard but nodded. âItâs okay. I donât have social media anyway.â
Maxâs lips twitched into a small smile. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, careful not to hurt your swollen cheek.
Sophie insists on staying until the very last moment, ensuring you have everything you need before saying goodbye. Her hug is warm and lingering, and she whispers in your ear, âYouâre part of this family now. Donât ever forget that.â
Victoria joins in with her own hug, giving Max a teasing look. âTake care of her, Max. Youâre not off the hook just because she married you.â
Max rolls his eyes but smiles. âI know, I know.â
Max checked out of the hotel while you stood close to him, your fingers brushing against his arm for comfort, taking his left hand, you felt the smooth texture, looking down you see his wedding ring. Max smiles and presses your sunglasses up your nose. A Red Bull cap sat snugly on your head, and sunglasses shielded your swollen eyes. Even before stepping outside, the roar of the crowd was deafening, fans chanting and calling Maxâs name.
âStay close to me.â Max murmured, his arm slipping protectively around your shoulders.
The moment the doors opened, the world exploded with flashing cameras and shouting voices. Your head dipped instinctively; the weight of the crowdâs energy overwhelming. Maxâs arm tightened around you as the bodyguards formed a path to the car, their presence the only barrier between you and the chaos.
The path was narrow, people pressing in on all sides, and you felt your heart race as the space seemed to close in. Flashes of light blinded you even through your sunglasses, and questions were hurled at Max, some directed at you. But he didnât stop. His focus was solely on getting you to the car.
At last, you reached the vehicle, and a breath of relief escaped you as you slid into the seat. Max lingered outside for a moment, signing a few autographs for fans before quickly ducking into the car beside you.
His face was drawn, his usual calm replaced by a tension you rarely saw in him. You placed a hand on his thigh, squeezing gently.
âThat was something.â You said, your voice tinged with exhaustion.
âTell me about it.â Max muttered, rubbing a hand over his face. He glanced at you when he felt your touch and gave you a small, weary smile. Lifting your hand to his lips, he kissed the back of it before threading his fingers through yours.
The car hummed quietly as it carried you both toward the airport, leaving the chaos of the crowd behind. Maxâs hand remained in yours the entire ride, a silent reassurance that, no matter how overwhelming things became, you wouldnât have to face them alone.
Thankfully, everything went smoothly with the lawsuit against your father. While the statute of limitations on the abuse you experienced as a child had already passed, Jos provided compelling testimony as a witness, and the case concluded without much trouble. There were some whispers in the media, but Max spared no expense to ensure the story stayed out of the spotlight, keeping your life as private as possible.
Since that fateful day at the hotel, your life had changed dramatically. Your belongings had been moved into Max's room, and now you slept together every night. Max rarely went anywhere without you if he could help it, and the connection between you only deepened with time.
Youâd also applied to art school and were now waiting for the new semester to begin. Alex, ever your cheerleader, was ecstatic about the news, eagerly discussing your potential and the projects you could take on. Meanwhile, Charles had taken to bragging that heâd known about your marriage before anyone else on the grid, which only fuelled the Lestappen theories online, especially with your friendship with Alex adding to the chatter.
The windows in your shared Monaco apartment were wide open, letting in a soft sea breeze as you sat in front of a canvas, your playlist softly filling the room. The view was breathtaking, but you were lost in your work, a blend of vibrant colours slowly taking shape on the canvas. You didnât hear Max enter, fresh from the gym. Heâd tried to get you to join him countless times, but you always resisted, finding your balance in Pilates a few times a week.
Max paused when he saw you, your brush gliding across the canvas as you mouthed the lyrics to the song playing in your ears. The sight made his heart swellâthis was his proudest achievement, seeing you at peace, content, and thriving. Quietly, he walked over and wrapped his arms around your waist, startling you enough that you let out a squeak, dropping your brush.
âMax! The floor!â You whined, glaring down at the smear of paint on the floorboards.
âIt doesnât matter.â He muttered, his lips brushing your neck before his gaze turned to the canvas. âAgain?â
âNot my fault youâre my muse.â You replied cheekily, turning your head to press a quick kiss to his cheek. The painting was of his eye this timeâjust a close-up as part of a larger composition.
âWould you like me to paint another manâs eyes?â You teased, raising a brow as you wiped your brush on a cloth.
Max smirked, pulling you closer. âNo. Just mine, Mrs. Verstappen.â
âThatâs what I thought, Mr. Verstappen.â You shot back with a grin.
As you turned to grab another brush, Max pulled something out of his pocket and held it out to you. âI got you something.â
You blinked in surprise as he opened his hand, revealing a pair of earringsâyour Tiffany earrings, the ones youâd had to sell to survive. Your breath caught as you reached out to touch them, the memories of that difficult time flashing through your mind.
âMax⌠how did youâŚâ
âI tracked them down.â He said softly, his blue eyes full of warmth. âI know how much they meant to you, and now they can mean something happy again.â
Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him, your heart swelling with emotion. âYou didnât have toââ
âI wanted to.â He interrupted, his tone firm yet gentle. âYou deserve to have everything you lost, and more.â
You smiled through your tears and threw your arms around his neck, holding him close. âThank you.â You whispered, your voice thick with emotion.
Max kissed the top of your head, his hands stroking your back.
âAnything for you.â He murmured. âAlways.â
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A few years ago, when my then 13 year old came to me and said she thought she had ADHD, I was surprised, but supportive. I didn't know much about ADHD at the time aside from the "hyperactive boy" over-generalization.
Took us a while to get into a psychologist for assessment, and while we waited I read. A lot. Found out a bunch of my friends had ADHD diagnosed as adults. Learned about inattentive type. Realized my husband fit the criteria as well.
It took more than 2 years for my daughter to get treatment. At one point, she had an appointment with a child psychiatrist who confirmed she had ADHD, but refused treatment because she did well in school. He did write a prescription for mood stabilizers though, because she was really sad sometimes (she had just gone through her first break up! we never filled the prescription and never went back to him).
My husband was also able to get diagnosed and get treatment, as well as go off the anxiety meds he had been taking for years. Both of them have had a noticeable improvement in quality of life since starting their meds. They feel better, their relationships are better, they have had the space to learn new ways to manage things etc.
Medication for ADHD is similar to insulin for diabetics. If you don't need it, it can be dangerous, it can be abused. However if you do need it, not having access has horrible consequences. My daughter was worried going to university she would he trouble refilling her medication, but thankfully that hasn't happened. My husband, on the other hand, was reminded by his Dr that it's a controlled substance and needed a letter from the Dr who diagnosed him in order to refill the prescription (even though my husband had the bottle with him).
I fucking knew it, I SAID it: they're making ADHD people the next culture war targets. They will 'just ask questions' until we lose every scrap of ground we've gained in the last decade and more. We may not quite inspire the same level of hatred as a sexual minority, but we can very easily be made to inspire disdain and that also works.
They will strip us of our accomodations and our medications and try to stifle any sense of shared identity, and if that kills some of us, oh well. So long as it fuels another outrage cycle, fine.
So many of the tropes they've been using on trans people work extremely well on ADHD people too! "There are too many of these people suddenly! It must be a fad! It spreads through friend groups! And online! People are going private for diagnoses and that's bad! They are using pOwERfUl medical interventions and we think it's freaky!"
I saw the first ripples of this in terf circles about two years ago. And of course it's spread.
6% of British ADHD people lost their jobs in the last year thanks to the meds shortage. SIX PER CENT! And that just made these ghouls go "ooh, tasty, what else can we do?"
Recently an 'expert' was on the BBC saying people see ADHD diagnosis as a "golden ticket." Laurence Fox has been ranting that the condition doesn't exist and threatening "'you won't poison my child's body [with ADHD meds] against my consent"
People need to be aware this is going to get worse. Maybe, if we're lucky, it won't get really bad. But it's going to get worse than it is now.
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Birdie - Satoru Gojo | Chapter 22
words: 3,5k
summary: While everyone adored him, you stood apart in your feelings. It wouldn't be accurate to say you hated him, as " hate " was a strong word, rather, you harbored a profound dislike towards him. The problem was he knew that and his irritating presence seemed to persistently cling to you whenever he crossed your paths. Now, you found yourself paired with him for your semester project, and the thought made you wish to hurl yourself out of the third-floor window. Three months of working alongside him loomed ahead. Adding to the discomfort, you were currently under the scrutiny of hundreds of eyes, each gaze feeling like a murder attempt. It seemed everyone coveted the opportunity to collaborate with Gojo Satoru, except for you.
tags: modern au, college au, fem!reader, academic rivals, he fell first, fluff, old money Gojo Satoru, abusive parents, slight slow burn, Satoru is a softy, secondary couple (Geto Suguru x oc), a bit of angst, no use of y/n, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, Gojo plays basketball, Gojo needs a hug
notes: itâs embarrassing to come here after almost a month, but with everything in my life I donât find time to write anything đ but even if it takes me a lot I will give an ending to this story, I promise.
The urls are not working, so until then there wonât be url link. But a link for the materialist would be at the end.
materialist | previous chapter | next chapter
Satoru rarely left the Gojo family home and when he did, he was always accompanied by his nanny. But to little Satoru, at the age of five, the mere fact of going beyond the stone walls that prevented him from seeing further, seemed like an adventure, a great adventure. For being only five years old, he had already tried to go out on more than one occasion but had obviously failed miserably. But Satoru did not give up, he wanted to see more, he did not want to be locked up like a bird.
So that day Satoru was thrilled when his nanny told him they were going on a little adventure. Little Satoru had his blue jacket on and moved his little fits around while looking through the window of the car.
Next to him his nanny was sitting and in the front seat the family chofer was driving in silence, with his eyes covered by those black glasses. But little Satoru was just too focused on the city that he barely got to see, the cars passing, the skyscrapers, everything was amazing for the five year old boy.
âWe have arrived.â The chofer said as the car stopped in front of a white building.
Satoru looked at the building curious wondering what that place was, his nanny thanked the chofer and they both got out of the car. Satoru held his nannyâs hand as they both entered the building.
âWhere are we?â Satoru asked, looking at her with his big blue eyes.
âThis is a planetarium, you know what it is?â Satoru shook his head not knowing what it was. âWell itâs a place where people can learn about planets and the stars.â
âThe ones in the sky?â Satoru asked as he looked around and up.
âYeah, the ones you see at night.â She explained.
His nanny, who had been with him for over a year, was called Fumiko and was the person Satoru spent the most time with and the person little Satoru loved the most. He barely saw his parents and every time he was with them, the relationship was cold as winter, but with Fumiko he felt the love he didn't feel with them.
He walked across the hallway observing everything, his blue eyes discovering new things he didnât know about, vibrant colors and lights all over the place.
âLittle Gojo.â Fumiko called him.
Satoru clenched his cheeks and glared at Fumiko. âDonât call me Gojo.â He said as he crossed his arms.
âWhy?â Fumiko tilted her head.
âI donât like it.â Satoru looked at the ground and began to play with his feet.
âWhy donât you like it?â Fumiko knelt before him.
âBecause⌠because itâs the same name as dad and himâŚâ Satoruâs words trailed off, but Fumiko quickly picked up on the boyâs message.
âOkay, how about I call you⌠little Satoru?â
Satoruâs gaze lit up. âBut Iâm not little!â He protested again.
âOh of course you are!â Fumiko replied mockingly. âYou are so little!â
âNo I am not!â Satoru replied.
âBut only little boys get to have dessert later.â FulminĂł said, knowing too well that Satoru couldnât deny having dessert.
Satoru felt silent and then hugged Fumiko. âIâm little.â He said.
âYes you are.â She said, hugging his little body back. âNow letâs go inside, the show is about to start.â She smiled. âYou know my best friend is the one presenting.â Fumiko mentioned.
Satoru looked at her. âCan we meet her?â
âOf course, after she is done showing everyone about the planets we can.â Fumiko said. âAnd you know⌠she has a daughter who is your age, maybe next time you can meet her too.â
âAnd maybe I could have a friend!â Satoru excitedly said.
âOr a girlfriend! She is really cute.â Fumiko mentioned.
âNo! I donât want that!â Satoru protested. âLove is bad.â
âNo, little Satoru.â Fumiko took him in her arms as they walked inside the room. âLove is good, and you will see it once you find it.â
âAnd how will I find it?â He said, moving on the chair that he was now sitting.
âIt will happen, and with your good heart Iâm sure it will be beautiful.â Fumiko pinched his cheek. âNow lookâŚâ She whispered, pointing out to the ceiling, which was beginning to light up with stars as the light faded.
Satoruâs eyes shined when he saw all the constellations there. It was exciting, it was magical. Little Satoru didnât feel like that moment was real.
A woman appeared on stage and she started talking, causing Satoru's attention to increase, the colors that illuminated the space were reflected on her face. The woman spoke softly as she moved around the stage and showed different images and holograms. Satoru became more and more excited.
His attention never left the environment, enjoying every single moment of it. He wanted to do that too, he wanted to study the stars, the planets, he wanted to be like her.
âFumikoâŚâ He whispered. âI want to be like her.â
âFor real?â Fumiko asked with a bright smile. âYou can ask her what she studied so you can be like her.â Satoru nodded, determined to do it.
The conversation went by in a flash, or so Satoru thought, wanting to learn more. Grabbing Fumiko's hand, they approached the stage, where Fumiko's friend was saying goodbye to some people.
Satoru's grip on her hand tightened, nervous about getting close to her. Fumiko and her friend exchanged greetings and then the woman's eyes landed on Satoru. The woman bowed and smiled.
âHello!â She said with a great smile. âIâm Ren, whatâs your name?â
âSatoru.â He said.
âOh⌠and how old are you Satoru?â She asked him.
âIâm five⌠but I will be six in December!â
âSo you are the same age as my daughter.â She smiled. âMaybe one day you can meet her and play with her.â Satoru nodded.
âLittle Satoru, you donât have something to ask Ren?â Fumiko spoke.
âOh⌠I⌠I really liked what you saidâŚâ Satoru moved his hands. âI want to be like you!â
âOh for real?â Ren smiled. âWell then you will have to study a lot!â
âI will!â Satoru responded.
âAnd love what you do a lot!â
âI will too! I will be the best and be like you!â
âI will be looking forward to that Satoru.â Ren touched his hair with a smile.
As soon as they left the place, Satoru asked Fumiko for books about space and the stars. He wanted to become someone like Ren, he wanted to be able to study the stars, study the night sky.
The next day Fumiko appeared in his room with a book in her hands, the first of many about the universe. Little by little Satoru found in this new world an escape and a relaxation to ignore the screams he received from his parents.
Luckily Fumiko was always there for him, together they walked to a lake and spent hours playing or reading one of the new astronomy books that Fumiko had bought him.
But that peace for Satoru soon ended, specifically on the day of his 6th birthday.
He ran through the entire house of the Gojo clan, as fast as his body allowed him and barefoot he went out into the cold Tokyo winter. His feet touched the cold snow and with tears in his eyes he shouted Fumiko's name, hoping that she would turn around and that what she had heard was not true.
Fumiko couldn't leave, she had to stay there, she was the only person who truly loved and cared for him. And now she was leaving.
Satoru cried for hours as the snow fell, waiting for Fumiko to return. But she never did.
At the time Satoru didn't understand why Fumiko left without saying goodbye, without explanation. It wasn't until he was 17 that one of the workers confessed to him that Fumiko had been fired by his parents for putting ideas in Satoru's head.
Even though his parents tried for years to get Satoru to continue and become a lawyer, Satoru refused and after learning the truth he was even less likely to give in to it.
Thatâs why he enrolled himself secretly on the degree he wanted so badly.
âStop giving me such a hard time!â Satoru shouted to the phone while he walked across the campus. âThis is my life so just let me!â
Satoru rubbed his eyes in frustration as he listened to his father speaking on the other side. He felt his backpack bump into something, or rather someone. âSorââŚâ
âSon, you really disappointed me.â He heard.
âJust leave me!â He scream.
âAll of this is that nannyâs faultâŚâ
âDonât bring Fumiko into this and now get lost!â He said before hanging off.
Satoru turned to see if the person who crashed into him was still there. But it wasnât, he only saw a figure of a girl far away from where he was. Frustrated, he ruffled his hair and walked to his classroom.
Everyone turned to look at him, talked about him or directly approached him, because they knew who he was and he hated it so much.
He entered the class and made himself comfortable in one of the seats. The rest of his classmates started to enter, Satoru was not really paying too much attention, not until he saw you.
You entered the classroom, your backpack hanging from your shoulder, as you looked at a paper you held in your hands. Satoru knew it in that instant and the memory of when he was little started to pass through his head. You were that girl he had met at the lake, you were you, right? Satoru was convinced that you were.
He tried to move to another seat, but the people next to him prevented him from doing so, so he could only watch you from behind. Sitting by the window, occasionally looking through it.
When the class ended, Satoru jumped out of his seat and approached you, but your cold gaze and small snort left him with his feet planted on the floor.
After that Satoru only received blank stares and ignorance from you, but he still wanted to find you, get to know you, watch you and your friend, like that for two years.
âTeacher, I was wondering if in the next pair assignment you could put me withâŚâ Satoru named you.
âAnd why is that Gojo?â Professor Tanaka looked at him.
âWellâŚâ Satoru scratched the back of his neck. âWeâre the best in the class, we could work well and also, no one would take advantage of us, you know, there are people who end up never doing anything.â
Tanaka thought about it for a moment and then nodded. âOkay.â
âThank you.â Satoru bowed. âBut please donât comment on this.â
âSure, now leave Gojo.â
Satoru walked out of the classroom with a smile on his face, he could finally interact with you, he wouldn't have to watch you from afar. Even though your reaction was what he expected from Satoru, he didn't give up.
He never did. Especially when he got to know you better, he was sure that he was never going to give up on you and what you had.
But then everything was black and only constant beeps were everything he could hear. Satoru mind was racing, he was in the middle of the match and then⌠then he had the ball andâŚ
Oh yeah, Sukuna⌠he fell and hit his head on the floor. That happened?
He wasnât sure.
âYou came to the party with our son right?â He heard a voice, it was distant but he knew who it was, it was his mother. âIt was not difficult for us to track you downâŚNo family, works in a grocery store and you are on scholarship.â
âI have a familyâŚâ And that voice, he knew that voice too well. He loved that voice.
âDeadâŚâ
Satoru started to hear the voices more clearly, he was coming back, he felt his hand moving and his anger rising.
âYou think he will thank you for this someday? For being the reason why he is wasting his potential.â His father said.
Satoruâs blue eyes slowly opened, he saw you, holding his hand, while your gaze was away from him and it looked sad. Satoru wanted to move and held you closer to him, taking away the sadness that you had in your eyes.
His eyes then moved to see them, his parents were there, standing tall feeling like they were superior to you.
âLeaveâŚâ Satoru murmured, he felt his ribs killing him as he spoke.
âSatoruâŚâ You said, getting closer to him.
âHey.â He smiled, trying to calm you down. âIâm back.â
âSon.â His father said.
Satoruâs eyes got darker as he turned to look at them. âWhy are you still here?â
âWe came to see you son.â His mother spoke.
âWell, you can leave because you are not welcome here.
Satoruâs voice was firm, each word cutting through the tension in the room like a blade.
âSon.â His father said, his tone cutting, clearly not used to being dismissed. âWe came all this way to check on you, and this is the thanks we get? Youâve always been ungrateful.â
âUngrateful?â Satoruâs laugh was dry and humorless as he leaned lightly against his pillows. âIâve spent my entire life trying to live up to your impossible expectations. And the one time I decide to do something for myself, you have the audacity to call me ungrateful?â
His mother stepped forward, her face a mask of cold composure. âWe only want the best for you, son. Do you think this⌠childish rebellion will get you anywhere? Look at you now.â
âNo.â Satoru replied, his voice firm. âIâm here because I put my heart into something I love. Something youâll never understand because you only care about control and appearances. Iâm sick of letting you dictate my life.â
âYouâre being a fool.â His father snapped. âYouâre throwing away a future we worked so hard to build for you. And for what? To pursue a fleeting passion? Or worse.â He stared at you, his expression hardening. âTo follow someone who is clearly beneath you?â
The words hit you like a slap, but before you could respond, Satoruâs voice rang out, cold and sharp. âDonât you dare speak of her like that.â
His father blinked, surprised by the venom in Satoruâs tone. âExcuse me?â
âYou heard me,â Satoru said, his blue eyes shining despite his weakened state. You can insult me ââall you want, criticize my decisions, my career, whatever. But you canât disrespect them. They support you more than you ever have.
His motherâs lips thinned. âSatoru, weâre just trying to protect you. From yourself and from⌠people who donât understand what it means to be part of our family.â
âEnough.â Satoru interrupted, his voice rising slightly. âIâm sick of hearing you tear me down. Iâve spent my entire life trying to fit into the mold you wanted, and itâs never been enough. Iâve found something that makes me happy, someone that makes me happy, and if you canât respect that, then maybe itâs best if you donât come around anymore.â
The room fell into a heavy silence. His parents exchanged a glance, their expressions unreadable, but you could feel the tension radiating off of them.
âOkay.â His father said after a long pause, his voice cold. âIf this is the path you insist on taking, donât come crying to us when it breaks down.â
His mother turned around without another word, her heels clicking loudly against the tile floor as she walked to the door. His father followed, stopping only to cast one last disdainful glance in your direction before leaving.
The door closed with a click and the silence that followed was echoing. Satoru let out a long sigh, his body sinking back against the pillows.
You took his hand, your fingers shaking slightly. âSatoruâŚâ
âIâm fineâŚâ He said quietly, though his voice was thick with emotion. He turned to you, his eyes softening. âIâm sorry you had to see that. They⌠theyâve always been like that.â
You shook your head. âDonât apologize. You stood up for yourself, for us. Iâm proud of you.â
He gave you a slight smile, squeezing your hand. âThey donât define me. And they donât define us. Iâm not going to let them get in the way of what I want.â
You leaned forward and gently rested your forehead against his. âGood...â
He closed his eyes, the tension in his body started to fade away as he held your hand. âAs long as youâre here, I can handle anything.â
âAnd Iâm not going anywhere.â You whispered.
âI knowâŚâ Satoru whispered, leaving a tender kiss on your head.
âI should call the doctor.â You broke your distance. âFor them to check you.â
âStay, letâs stay like this a bit more.â He hugged, even though he felt pain he didnât want to let your warm go from his side. âIâm a bad person if I say I donât want to see them again?â
Satoru got nervous as your silence grew more, but his heart soon relaxed when your calm tone reached his ears. âNo⌠no you are not. They are the bad ones, not them. They have only looked out for the benefit of the family, never for you, and you have wanted to seek your happiness. And that happiness is not with them.â You pulled away and held his face carefully. âDonât blame yourself, because it is not your fault at all.â
Satoru softly smiled. âI love you.â
You smiled back. âI love you too⌠but donât scared me like that again.â You said. âYou know how terrified I was when Nanami and Haibara appeared on the store and told me something happened?â
âBirdie⌠Iâm so sorryâŚâ
âIâm killing that guy.â You said with a firm tone.
âWho Sukuna?â You nodded. âHe is quite big you know?â
âYou doubt me? I was black belt in taekwondo and if he hurt you I wonât hesitate.â You looked at him and Satoru smiled.
âIâm sure that will be handled⌠donât worry, okay?â He kissed you.
âI will always worry about youâŚâ You said. âBecause I care about you.â
The room fell quiet again, the only sound the steady beeping of the heart monitor. Not much time passed before a nurse came to the room, getting surprised by the fact that Satoru was awake. Soon enough the doctor came in, wanting to make sure Satoru was in perfect conditions.
âYou have a broken rib and fortunately the hit on your head wasnât serious.â The doctor said checking the pages on his hands. âBut you will have headaches for a week and the broken rib, it will take around six or eight weeks to be fully recovered.â Satoru nodded while listening to those words. âSo no activities during that time, you need to rest.â Then he looked at you. âMake sure he follows...â
âDoctor, Iâm right here.â Satoru protested.
âWell thatâs it then, I will see you before sending you home.â The doctor said leaving the room.
Satoru smirked and looked at you. âSo my beautiful girlfriend will be taking care of me?â
âYeah, and I will make sure you properly rest Satoru Gojo.â You said. âDonât look at me like that, you need to recover.â
âI promise I will be nice.â He smiled. âYou know⌠you could stay with me, in my apartment.â He held your hand. âIt would be a good way to start seeing how well we get along living together before movingâŚâ
You looked at him. âSatoru⌠are you indirectly asking me to move in together?â
Satoru chuckled, kissing your hand. âWould it be a bad idea? I plan on moving from that apartment once I've recovered, now that my relationship with my parents itâs broken, I want to start living completely for myself.â He looked at you without blinking. âAnd I donât know birdie, starting that chapter with you warms my heart completely.â The distance between the two of you started to be shorter. âSo tell me birdie, would you live with me?â
You scanned his face and a soft and shy smile broke into your face. âSounds good⌠I would love to be there âToru.â
đˇď¸: @lavender-hvze , @crybabytoru , @sanriosatoru , @norvacaine , @sadmonke , @faetoraa , @hexipessimistic , @gojoful , @kitzusune , @sh0jun , @manyno , @ropickle , @anniegojo , @milk3evee , @crunchypotatoooooooooo , @catobsessedlady , @zoeyflower , @starlostwish , @tinydonkeysforlife , @mimisq11341 , @n1vi , @olanii1019 , @vtrulvamp , @yjuisu
#jujutsu kaisen#fanfic jjk#gojo satoru x reader#satoru gojo x reader#gojou satoru x reader#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x oc#gojo x reader#gojo satoru x you#jujutsu kaisen x reader#satoru gojo x you#satoru x reader#satoru x you#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen gojo#gojo satoru smut#gojo x you#satoru gojo#gojo angst
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This is the last time I talk about Elain (hopefully!). I honestly donât understand where youâre getting the idea that she is sweet. Elain is polite, like âmy neighbour is nice to meâ sort of way. That doesnât warrant how everyone puts her on a pedestal.
Her actions are mostly glossed over as self-preservation, but that doesnât seem right to describe her behaviour either. At least, not in a sympathetic way. I'm sure thereâs going to be an overload of trauma to justify this, because how can SJMâs heroines have mere mediocre problems when they can be abused or have lost a loved one?
I digress. Ever since Nestaâs grooming came to light, the same is assumed about Elainâthat sheâs groomed to be âniceâ. Thatâs not entirely true. Their mother and grandmother focus on Nesta because getting the eldest married well will bring more prospects for the other two. In their motherâs words, Elain neednât worry because she is a born beauty, and so she is not trained in courtliness or politics. And, Feyre has enough liberty to lock herself in their fatherâs office. As a middle child, Elain chooses the âniceâ mask because itâs what gets her attention in a family full of stubborn headsâher mother, her grandmother, her sisters.
During their poverty years, even if she could do chores, itâs hard to believe Nesta let her given how much she coddles Elain. And, Feyre treats her like a fragile doll. Elain essentially enjoys the best of both worlds like her father without contributing much to the family. She benefits heavily from her sistersâ animosity against each otherâsheâs the kind one while the other is the bitch. Sheâs also quick to secure a marriage alliance right after they regain their wealth. This isnât to say it wasnât out of love, but the plot is set in somewhat medieval times, where the order in which the sisters marry is crucialâElain already wed before the eldest leaves a mark on Nestaâs reputation, making it difficult for her to find suitors.
Elain goes her entire life without being blamed or hated by her family, or even the IC. To have gone through all those struggles, having done literally nothing, and still cherished by everyone? Kindness doesnât buy you that kind of a pass. Itâs not her fault that everyone puts her first, but itâs the result of the image she actively cultivates to achieve her means.
This is why the paintbrushes donât hold much value either. She doesnât make Feyreâs life easier or take away some of the burdens, but gives her presents and everything is okay between them? This comes off like love-bombing to meâmaking Feyre feel special so that Elain isnât the villain. Which worked, as Nesta is the one called ungrateful. When youâre struggling and someone offers you a bit of joy and relief, it is impactful, and Elainâs gesture could have been that if she had contributed to the family. But now, it comes off as manipulation.
And hereâs my issue with her betrayal in Silver Flames. No one gives two fucks about what she thinks is best for Nesta. The IC wonât sit around and wait till sheâs convinced. If she decides to lock herself in her room and cry again, only Feyre might care a little. Until then, sheâs never included in any major decisions and sheâs too perceptive to not notice this. She doesnât even have to side with Nesta, but to pack her things to send her away?
She even goes on to throw in a âyou donât have to be miserableâ when Nesta is being imprisoned with a man. Imagine Elain trapped with Lucien to get her out of her funk. Feyre violated Lucienâs mind when he asked for a few minutes alone with her. They were chaperoned by the entire family for one simple tea. Clearly, Elain is not so stupid as to not know what sheâs implying. She lets Nesta suffer not out of self-preservation but because she, like Feyre, believes Nesta is hopeless.
Later, she manipulates Nesta into scrying and insults her in front of everyone who hates her. She blames her âinvisibilityââshe crafted for herselfâon others. It isnât about her owning her life, because she could have done the scrying right away without that conversation with Nesta. And itâs not about protecting herself from the IC. Her outburst felt more like her resentment, that she couldnât handle losing her shield.
There are many who want Elain to stand up to the IC, but the thing is, she has no reason to. When none of her actions are held against her, what would she fight for? The ICâs behaviour is borderline psychotic with Nesta to prove she wouldnât be welcomed into the family unless she becomes reputable enough to be Feyreâs sister and Cassianâs mate. In Elainâs case, she is already forgiven and accepted.
Though it still falls under the broad term, her self-preservation carries heavy undertones of selfishness and manipulation. It is not even a survival response triggered under pressure. Most of her life, Elain never has to make big choices. She always gets what she wants without lifting a finger. No responsibility at home, more attention from family, the only one to receive her fatherâs love, her engagement to Graysen, going to Graysen for help, being left alone during the battles, having her own gardens in Velaris, learning to cook, leading a simple life, to be away from Lucien, pursuing Azriel. When exactly is she ever denied in the first place to preserve her happiness?
Also, Elain is definitely not a helpless doe. She is an opportunist. Her âkindnessâ is a mask to escape scrutiny from others when she neglects her responsibilities. It serves her too since âElain is Elainâ.
And thatâs fine because these flaws add layers to her character and thereâs room for growth. But when the narrative ignores them and paints her as an angel because it supports the glorified hero, that is wrong. We see it happen with Feyre, Rhysand, and the Inner Circle. Elain is underdeveloped, yet she shows prominent traits at major plot points and still is considered âsweetâ. At this rate, sheâs just going to be another bland cutout who can never do anything wrong and is universally loved (like Feyre).
On the other hand, all this masking, the cunning, and the pettiness are great agents for her obvious future bonding with Rhysand who is quite similar. But her true nature has to be acknowledged first, which is clearly not happening in the narrative or the fandom.
There are obvious issues to be resolved in Elainâs characterâshedding these traits and loving others without exploitationâbut the focus will be on what SJM deems worthy for her plot. Elain went from being content to staying in the background, tending to her gardens, and creating beauty to wanting to step out of her sistersâ shadows. Though she never gave that vibe, it will be shoved down our throats because these leads need to be badasses. At this point, she has more chances of turning into another Feyre with her âcoming out of the shellâ journey because thatâs the only way women can grow in this series. I donât like Elain the way I donât like Feyre, Rhysand, or Cassian. She is, and will likely never be, held accountable for anything she does. Nesta has self-awareness, her flaws are portrayed as such, and she makes amends for her mistakes because that allows Feyre to be right again. But what reason does Elain have to be better when she hasnât done anything wrong until now?
#i needed to get this out of my system#elain critical#acotar critical#sjm critical#adding critical tags to keep the stans away#feyre critical#rhysand critical#cassian critical
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Thoughts on Scriddler?
This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up...
Firstly, you gotta understand that all that follows is a recollection of the fandom over the years, since 2015 to be exact. Speaking stickily Jonathan Crane fandom, Scriddler has always been the most popular ship for Scarecrow. I couldn't give ya a beginning to this, as even back then I found years old art for Scriddler circulating. Though, tumblr as a social media is where it blossomed.
When I first started this blog, I had my OC to develop and I was very self conscious and unknowingly putting myself through trauma via art school and a lack of disability accessibility. Not gonna get into that, but I was very vulnerable as well as impressionable.
I did NOT like Scriddler, almost detested it. It seemed like it was everywhere, and this was before tumblr had a decent way of blocking. Not that it would have helped, because for some reason i liked suffering. Felt like I deserved to be depressed. Took me a long time to realize blocking content actually made life better aslhkds
Anyways, even early on I had a lot of support, people wanted to know about my OC and cared, but I always felt like I played second fiddle to the holy of holy, Scriddler. And if you've read any of my recent posts, you know I've come to accept that just how it is with OCs. But that doesn't mean I didn't get my fair share of anon hate, suicide threats, etc. The fandom was not always welcoming. Or perhaps there was just a minority who loved to abuse the anon function. (if you think there's a lot of drama today, you were not there when it was bad)
It took me a LONG time to grow to like Scriddler. I used to feel like they had very little in common, and it bothered me that most of the art was majorly sexual. That's a whole 'nother can of worms, but ya know. I don't hate Scriddler today, which should be obvious seeing as I reblog it now. Though, I like Hattercrow a tad more.
A lot of this was my own internal issues, though the fandoms penchant to take two males who never interact and ship them, suffice to say is alive and strong. Nicely enough however, there has been more "Scriddler" like content from comics. (I say this loosely, but they do interact quite a bite more than they did ten years ago)
Scriddler, and to a lesser, Hattercrow, is a ship you either love or hate. Except me. I kinda fall in the middle. Though I feel it's worth mentioning that Scarecrow has had his fair share of female/female presenting ships too, and as much as I hate to say it, they're generally disliked by the greater fandom. (or simply ignored) We all know why. I've mentioned this before. :/ and I've had close friends give up on their ships because of it. Just like me. I gave up. I hat admitting that, but I can't compete with Scriddler.
I wish there was a way to change that, but I wouldn't know were to start. That's why I try to support OCs for example, someones gotta do it. I can't let another person go through what I went though.
TL;DR: Sciddler is not a bad ship, I don't dislike it anymore, but don't think I'm not silently side eyeing the loud minority who shit on anyone for even thinking Jonathan could love a woman. Ya know, despite canon only showing evidence for that.
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"That said, both Styles and his therapist have questioned why he cares quite so much about being likeable. This is one of the things he thought about a lot in his big pandemic reflection. In part, it's a choice, he explained. He recalled moving to London after The X Factor and hearing tales of petulant celebrities screaming because someone got their coffee order wrong and deciding to never be that guy, to never give someone a petty reason to bad-mouth him. But more recently he's come to worry that the drive for approval came from a more complex place, a place of caution, fear, control." "Styles said he often spent interviews terrified about saying the wrong thing until he stopped to question what abhorrent belief or bizarre opinion he was scared he'd accidentally reveal and realized he couldn't think of anything."
"And he thought about the cleanliness clauses in the contracts he used to sign, which would dictate that they would be null and void if he did anything supposedly unsavoury, and about how terrified that used to make him. And about when he signed his solo contract and learned that the ability to make music would not be affected by personal transgressions, he burst into tears, a reaction he still seemed shocked by, retelling it to me now, years later. "I felt free," he explained."
"When Styles began therapy about five years ago [so in 2017], he was reluctant initially, feeling it was a music industry clichĂŠ. "I thought it meant that you were broken," he said. "I wanted to be the one who could say I didn't need it." He returned to the home theme that has underpinned our conversation, explaining that therapy has allowed him to "open up rooms in himself" that he didn't know existed, allowed him to feel things more honestly, where before he had tended to"emotionally coast.""
"Recently Styles began to work through issues related to intimacy, dating, love. "For a long time, it felt like the only thing that was mine was my sex life. I felt so ashamed about it, ashamed at the idea of people even knowing that I was having sex, let alone who with," he said."
"You look back, especially now there's all the documentaries, like the Britney documentary, and you watch how people were abused in that way, by that system, especially women. You recall articles from not even five years ago, and you're like, I can't even believe that was written."
He has been thinking a lot recently about autonomy, ownership, privacy. About what he should be able to keep to himself, what he should be able to simply communicate through his music without follow-up questions or prying. Around the time of Fine Line, he faced scrutiny around his sexuality. People became incredulous that he wore dresses, waved Pride flags, and yet hadn't clarified with precision, publicly to a journalist or on social media, the specifics of who he'd slept with, how he defined. This expectation is, to him, bizarre, "outdated." "I've been really open with it with my friends, but that's my personal experience; it's mine," he said.
Despite the acceptance that some things could, should, have been different, he still feels lucky every day, he said, lucky to make music, lucky to do what he loves.
"You can't win music. It's not like Formula One," he said. "I was like, in my lifetime, there will be 10 more people who burst onto the scene in that way, and I'm only going to get further away from being the young thing. So, get comfortable with finding something else that makes you happy. I just found that so liberating."
"I just want to make stuff that is right, that is fun, in terms of the process, that I can be proud of for a long time, that my friends can be proud of, that my family can be proud of, that my kids will be proud of one day," he said.
ââIn lockdown, I started processing a lot of stuff that happened when I was in the band,â he said. He thought about the way he was encouraged to give so much of himself away, âto get people to engage with you, to like you.â He thought about the fact that no baby photos exist of him that arenât on the internet (you give a bunch to an X Factor producer doing a piece on your backstory without much thought, and suddenly your childhood is online). He thought about the journalists asking questions, when he was still a teenager, about how many people heâd slept with and how, rather than telling them to go away, he would worry about how he could be coy without them leaving the room annoyed. âWhy do I feel like Iâm the one who has done something wrong?â he said to me.â
â Harry for Better Homes and Gardens Magazine
#what a lovely article :')#vulnerability on HARRY's terms#it's good that he got into therapy and started processing - therapy is an amazing tool#he's come so far i'm so so happy for him đĽš#also the âmy kidsâ mention made my heart glow#you'll be such a cool dad Harry#(you and Lou together đĽšđđ)#Harry wants a baby#that 'the drive for approval came from a more complex place - a place of caution and fear and control' - no surprises here...#in this house WE HATE MODEST!#in this house we HATE SYCO#him sharing that he burst into tears because he 'finally felt free' when he signed his solo contract... fuck that is so TELLING#music industry#Better Homes and Gardens#interview#article#Harry#therapy#rainbows#sexuality#2022
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ABOUT JEAN: The monthly discourse
Damn and I thought we were past monthly Jean discourse, y'all are quite off schedule this time.
I do think it's funny how Jean-Heron Vicquemare continues to be The Public Enigma with what could be equivalent of 5 minutes of screen time. All of his appearances can be put into 3 groups: worrying/searching for Harry, watching over Harry, spending 45 minutes on insulting him. So it only makes sense how his discourse as well is surrounded by conversation, what is his relationship with Harry? Him being Harry's Satellite officer is like another added layer to how his whole existence seems in a constant orbit around the center of the Earth - Harrier Du Bois.
When discussing both of these characters I think it is crucial to strip them down layer by layer. When we're doing this Harry and Jean, I think we see far too quickly, how similar they are even with many differences: both are addicts, depressed, having facial scarrings and, of course, both are cops.
When looking at them from purely 'superior and subordinate perspective, they remind me of Robert Eggers script from The Lighthouse (2019) particularly this bit:
The Lighthouse explores the themes of capitalism and perpetual cycles of new and old generations: Young and Old.
We can see similar themes explored in DE as well. The game isn't afraid of constantly putting the players head into the mud, saying: "Yeah, it is that shit." RCM is a constantly moving system that lures people in with the promise of help for community and spits out a hollow husk of their former selves. Though I would say it doesnt do that either as most of them die before ever reaching retirement age.
Harry is surrounded by old dog imagery.
Particularly dogs that are about to be put down or are already dead. I particularly love this segment of the game with Joyce - it is clear that in this segment the black dog licking his wound is Harry, who's getting put down by the system he works in. But what I think makes the scene even better is what follows it:
Every officer's fate in RCM is the same.
It's the years of violence, brutality, system that eats those, who help and enables those, who hurt. It's speed, alcohol, never ending poverty, and as years go by another officer is closer and closer to finally pull the trigger on the old dog that you have become.
One final act in the Disco Inferno.
And there's inescapable horror in all of this: seeing what you will become, what you're bound to become. Looking in the mirror and staring at your partner's reflection - ever present reminder: "This will be you in 10 years to come."
When Jean says "trying," what he actually means is "functional." Having context of RCM system and inherent ableism of it, I think it's safe to say, that "to try" means "to succeed."
Jean isn't anymore functional than Harry as he is simply younger. Harry through entirety of the game is experiencing raining bonefire of decades of drug abuse and effects of poverty and long lasting emotional physical abuse. Meanwhile, Jean is yet to experience the crashing sun. He has 10 years to do so.
In perpetual vortex that is this sinking ship, partnership and comradery, become essentials for survival. Harry and Jean form particularly tight bond, tight enough that both can't evade speculations about their sexuality or type of relationship they have, thus "hetero-sexual life partners" are born.
I see a lot of people insisting, that those two relationship, that they had is what we can see right now in the game: partnership that feels more like a race of self destruction, while putting sticks in each other's metaphorical bicycles. To see which one falls first. But I feel this is complete controdictory to what we hear from the game:
"Trouble in paradise" - I wouldn't use those words if my two coworkers, who try to sabotage each other on the daily would finally get into all consuming fight. Though what do I know about male-centric workplace humour.
No matter, which way you choose to look at it, at the events of Disco Elysium, Jean's and Harry's relationship is at their absolute worst. Rock bottom. Maybe even beyond it, though that depends how one evaluates forgetting 44 years of your life except lost ex goes into equation. What we see is culmination of their every moment together - good and bad, which erupts into terrible earthquake.
Finally, what we see of Jean and Harry's relationship is supposed to be merely introduction, or at least was (Kurwitz pls, let me read the scripts). By small bits and pieces Luiga has decided to reveal to the public is that Jean is supposed to be one of main partners of the second game featuring The Return.
This doesn't deny Jean's role as The Jury or The Executioner in the Final Tribunal. He represents RCM's bigotry, ableism and hypocrisy of it all - a broken system of a destructive cycle - ouroboros eating it's own tail. However at the end of the day he's as much a person as any other in Elysium - full of complexity and nuance, the verdict of we simply do not have enough information of.
Finally at the end of this... I don't know what to even call this, I have no idea how one would arrive to concrete conclusion, that is either: "Jean good' or "Jean bad." All game's characters are some kind of moraly grey - this isn't a MARVEL movie or a fairy tale that people want it to be. It is a commentary of cultures that we all have grown up in. For me DE really resonates from Baltic States history and culture context, because this is all I've ever known.
#disco elysium#jean vicquemare#harry du bois#de#jeancourse is how i know when the month ends#or the new one starts#first time I'm putting my words out there and not in the tags#never thought it'll be for jeancourse
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Haunted // Love Affair With A House đĄđ
#digital art#artists on tumblr#illustrators on tumblr#original character#original illustration#sasha's art#this one took much longer than i expected it to because well. thats how things go sometimes#there was a time in my life when i was going through years of abuse and felt like i had no way out of that#this led me to become uncaring and reckless and i was very impulsive at the time#there was this big old abandoned hospital in my home town that was not that far from my parents house#by this point in life i felt like i had lost all relationships with people previously close to me and i was not making any new ones out of-#-fear but also because i was isolationg myself (unknowingly)#because i was a child i percieved exploring this building as doing something Unsafe and Dangerous (and i guess it was in the sense that-#-things could fall on me if i wasn't careful)#but anyway i decided going there was going to be my Safe Place#as abandon buildings seem to be so seductive to teenagers it turned out this place was already a popular hang out spot for many teens#so i decided my best course of action would be to sneak out of my room at night/ dawn and go do art at this place when it was safe from-#-other teens lmao#it made me feel Edgy and Cool and Dangerous (even though looking back this was one of the safest activities i was engaging in lmao)#anyways#i replaced all my close human relationships with an abandoned house at the time (maybe theres a metaphor in there somewhere but. i do not-#(-want to see it)#at the time the thing i wanted the most in the world was to die and this was the place it was supposed to happen#luckily i made a deal with myself for ten more years and this ended up saving my life#so i have many mixed emotions about this place. it was there for me when i was at my lowest and loneliest. it was supposed to be my last#a few years ago i took my two best friends there (hadn't told them this story then yet) and i had a wonderful day and felt Loved#it was a weird feeling to feel there#i decided not to take them into the house and i don't think i will ever go in again#but i am glad i had it back when i needed it i guess#i wonder if theres still any of my old art supplies hidden about somewhere
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this đ#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a âlet's live together and get a cat one dayâ relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a âsex and video gamesâ type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.
#hot fucking take but I donât really see much dialogue on how fucking traumatizing it can be to live with an autistic person#whose autism outwardly manifests the most behaviorally#her not being able to help being dysregulated does not negate how fucking scary it is#to be on the receiving end of that behavior#and to be conditioned for your entire life that youâre bad if you react in any way#this is less about neurodivergence than it is about my fucking mother#especially because Iâm likely on the spectrum as well#but if someone that wasnât autistic did those same things it would be considered an abusive environment#Iâm not saying that my sister is abusive#but I am saying that it is so incredibly emotionally damaging to live in this house#any harm done to me by the screaming and throwing and breaking things is not even allowed to be considered#because she âcanât help herselfâ#and the quotes there are again less about neurodivergence than my mother#because my sister actually has really solid coping skills⌠when my mother is not involved#my mother will make excuses and enables her in a way that is so frustrating#my sister would actually do much better if she were living in a dorm/group home like she previously was#but that costs a lot of money#and so she lives here with my enabling permissive mother#and is more dysregulated than she has been in YEARS#because so many of the skills and coping tools she learned at her resident program#she has completely stopped utilizing because she doesnât have to#because instead of trying to work through it my mother will make excuses for her#so instead of trying to work through it she screams so loud my ears ring#and slams doors so hard they break#and throws things in a way that makes me scared sheâs going to hurt one of us#but if I display any reaction to what in any other circumstance would be recognized as a frightening and harmful situation#Iâm making things worse and Iâm being selfish#Iâm like. fine. in the way that Iâve had to be my whole life.#which is mostly dissociating and spending as little time home as possible#but every time it happens it makes me wish I was not alive
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Mannequins
This room is filled with mannequins Some dressed up as people from my past There's the girl with the ocean blue eyes Who I still love even after all this time Dressed in sunshine and forgotten dance steps
There's the violent codependent abusive With red blood painted on it's pale plastic skin I stare at it, daring it to make a move because this time I won't let them in
There's the gay man who sold me drugs sometimes for money, sometimes for love Where I learned I have no limits for depravity and that I never really knew my own sexuality
Here's the girl from California who I think of daily my best friend when I had no friends the one who listened to me cry on late and lonely nights And I'm reminded of how much I miss her
Leaning haphazardly against the wall is kid a tragic romance if there ever was one five years of each other's life we wasted before we realized we just didn't work
With missing limbs is my junkie angel And her last words to me play like a scratched vinyl "You need to get clean or your going to die" And a month later she swallowed her tongue and i skipped out on the funeral
I walk through this room of memories The most important people in my stories And I am overwhelmed with nostalgia and sadness I miss you all so much, so so much.
I see my best friend growing up we stopped talking ten years ago because he said he didn't want to watch me burn And I can't say I'd ever blame him
I love you all. I'm sorry.
#This room is filled with mannequins#Some dressed up as people from my past#There's the girl with the ocean blue eyes#Who I still love even after all this time#Dressed in sunshine and forgotten dance steps#There's the violent codependent abusive#With red blood painted on it's pale plastic skin#I stare at it#daring it to make a move#because this time I won't let them in#There's the gay man who sold me drugs#sometimes for money#sometimes for love#Where I learned I have no limits for depravity#and that I never really knew my own sexuality#Here's the girl from California who I think of daily#my best friend when I had no friends#the one who listened to me cry on late and lonely nights#And I'm reminded of how much I miss her#Leaning haphazardly against the wall is kid#a tragic romance if there ever was one#five years of each other's life we wasted#before we realized we just didn't work#With missing limbs is my junkie angel#And her last words to me play like a scratched vinyl#âYou need to get clean or your going to dieâ#And a month later she swallowed her tongue#and i skipped out on the funeral#I walk through this room of memories#The most important people in my stories
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#itâs very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like Iâm faking it even though I know damn well I ainât scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and thatâs integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing thatâs provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know Iâm not abusing any of these#Iâm getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because iâm better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DONâT STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c theyâre feeling better like babes thatâs what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but itâs REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that âbut I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live withoutâ like WHY BITCH#WE DONâT HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WEâRE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically itâs really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are âfunâ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like Iâm being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldnât pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that itâs arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying âohhhhh Iâm awful and lazy and bad and abusing substancesâ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like âjust as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it Iâm not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no oneâ#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me Iâm going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldnât be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadnât been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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some days you really just want to scream why is this so hard!!!!!! why is life so hard for me!!!!!!!!!!!!
#maybe it's bc i just started my period or maybe it's bc im on the verge of my next breakdown but im struggling!!!!!!!!!!#yesterday i realized it's been exactly 2 years since i moved into this living situation im still stuck in and it just hit me#as i was trying to fall asleep that like ok i just lost 2 more years of my life!! i accomplished absolutely nothing and#just ran in fucking circles going nowhere and literally have done Nothing#and not to make excuses but im only now realizing how badly covid fucked me like not covid covid but covid time#as in like jobs and having any sort of future like that was Exactly the time after i graduated that i needed to be doing shit and i couldnt#and yeah i know there are sooooo many people in similar situations bc of covid but god i just feel like such a failure which i am#but i just feel so helpless like i honestly do not know how to move forward#or what i even want out of life anymore if anything at all and yes ok so period plus 2 year anniversary plus my birthday next week so im#extremely on the edge rn#and anyway last night i was crying bc of the 2 year thing then u know how when u sometimes start crying about one thing#u start crying about just everything wrong in your life so yeah i did that and then suddenly it was about still living here#and still living in this state and still living with mentally abusive relatives and how much of a failure i am at my age and how my birthda#will make me feel like shit and how much i miss my dogs and how much i worry about my cat and how i cant ever lose her ever no matter what#like i simply will not go through another pet death i just wont. and then all roads lead to my biggest mistake and regret so my ex then#all that and how i literally cant change any of those things at all and how much i feel like a prisoner and i cant escape and anyway.#im just not doing well lately lmao
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can i get an f in the chat
just had to send my 21-year old car off to the retirement home and, since she was my first car, i'm feeling like a big ol baby about it
#owned her for 11 years but she fell into disrepair after i had back surgery and couldn't drive#she just sat in the lot and deteriorated. wouldn't start and needed more money than she was worth to get running again#that car saw me through some of the worst years of my life and took all my abuse. she would always start and get me from a to b#except that time i got run off the highway by some fuckin rat bastard in a lifted f150#fr thought i was dead because i dove off the hwy into pitch black nothingness. but she gently took me down the slope and stopped me in the#middle of a water runoff. then she was still able to keep going forward and only stopped when she got stuck in the mud as i tried to#get back onto a road. she just kept going#a very good and sturdy carâ despite her flaws (broken windshield wipers/windows wouldn't roll down/no horn)#i will. miss her very much
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Iâm sad, Iâve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didnât have time to even start anything and now itâs over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year
#this is if Iâm also not dying next year⌠which is unlikely#donât do what I do. donât work full time and do school full time. especially when youâre doing a dual graduate degree program. Iâm in hell#brain screams#it especially makes me sad cause when I started writing fics in the summer it made me SO happy to be writing again!!!#especially about sailor moon!!! one of my special intrests and fav shows of all time!! it makes my brain SO HAPPY!!!#as I keep telling myself - just cause I donât make these things now doesnât mean I can do them in the future. my ideas will still be there#I can write the fics I want and finish the YouRube videos Iâve started. I can make silly little doodles and comics and short animations#I can take my Venus plus on hikes and exploring and to wonderful places!! we can go to museums and cafes and concerts!!#we can go to the ocean and climb mountains and get lost in the forest and get muddy and wet and cold and sit by campfires and climb on logs#I can take my not fully fleshed out idea of using her and my other plushes to make a sort of live action stop motion skit video!!#I want to be creative and free and have fun and live my life and pursue my passions!!#but rn⌠all i do is work. work and homework and class and homework. until Iâm so fatigued I canât walk and I canât sleep and I canât think#to be real watching the anime and having the codename: sailor v and stars arc of the manga is like one of the few things getting me through#when Iâm so tired I canât think I have those as comforts so Iâm not sitting on the couch wanting to die#I find so much comfort in existing in the space of this fictional universe and I draw strength from the characters#like sailor moon helping me get through some of the hardest fucking shit Iâve ever done in my life. and helping me remember to love myself#also lowkey helping me fight off my depression and ed and substance abuse issues#I just both get so much joy and comfort from this space but also I feel I owe it so much gratitude for kinda helping me from crumbling#I want to also contribute to this space cause it gives me joy to do so and cause i want to give back and contribute to others joy as well#like itâs a combo of I love this and want to and also as a form of gratitude i want to and also to help others experience joy I want to#but⌠I donât have the time or energy now. and if my life keeps going on like this. will I ever? Iâve never let myself slow down.#idk if I ever will :( oh well
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