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Laughter

She laughed the kind of laugh that she tilts her head back one that comes straight from the heart I wish I could remember the joke or at least the punchline

And in that trilling sound I fall even more in love with her and the world around her is suddenly unfocused a real subtle kind of beauty

The future’s so bright, I’ve to wear shades it’s that glow coming off her body Sometimes I go blind from staring at her for too long It even seems to have mass as it engulfs me A hug given straight through the mist

It’s sings directly in my brain there by the giggles and the fits an earworm I won’t want to live humming in tune to my mix-tape made of just her laughter

I become a clown in her company Anything to give me that hit anything for the perfect fix Watch my nose turn red

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The Apocalypse in Her Eyes

She wore the apocalypse in her eyes Painted rage on a doll’s face Tattoos and metal adorn her skin holes made with needle points chanting along with a fist in the air my protesting lover

and as I follow behind, I suffocate from the smoke I don’t believe in the way that she does To me, these fights don’t matter just yet but I’ll always be glad to be her plus one at the events

Her boots clapped louder the any else because the fire in her heart was at full blaze and she stomped the pavement with all her might Like gunshots in the dead of night Her voice grows scratched and gravel torn for hours of shouting to get the pigs of those horses Farm animals shouldn’t ride farm animals

With rocks and bottles inside her backpack she comes peacefully prepared for war And I wear a mask because she told me too I follow deeper into the heart of this scene She never waivers She never stops This is what she claims she lives for

This will not be televised And it won’t be read about in the paper Black Flags mean nothing when you fly them in the dark Riot bullets and beanbags to add bruises to our chest I stand in front of her as this escalates to violence

There is gunfire going not far from here And her voice is still louder than it all Lit cigarettes with fuses land at the feet This world is chaos and that’s what I live for

She held the apocalypse in her eyes And I could see the other side

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You Can Have This Win

I always had to one up you as if everything was a competition the kind made between best friends I haven’t had a win in a long time but at least I know how one should taste

It’s bitter Like chewing the pills to make them kick in faster Things are easier with a numbed memory With quieted conversations Like the one’s had, driving aimlessly in your Honda Civic the kind of conversation that seems empty but in reality it’s life changing

Circle the lake under a full moon our laughter wakes up every house we pass It was more then our routine It was our splendid little world and it was perfect god, was it perfect

I lost contact with you you tried to save me until you realized there was nothing left to save I don’t blame you It doesn’t take much for me to give up either

I think about you a lot I think about our strange competitions I think about how I felt most home sitting on the floor of your bedroom laughing about something offensive

god, was it perfect

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Passenger

The clouds sit painted on a blue sky like giant cotton balls floating weightless It almost looks too perfect and I find myself wondering if what I see is maybe all just in my head I’ll just take what peace I can get

The slight wind carries the smell of apples the sweetness of the ripening fruits And I inhale these final moments of summer as I stomp my boots of loose grass Leaving a trail for anyone to follow

The window’s rolled down on the passenger side so the cigarette smoke rolls outside she doesn’t smoke and I can’t bear to harm her precious little lungs And it’s warm enough for that

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Dirty Sands

The lake gives the illusion that it’s breathing As I watch it move in heartbreak and future addiction It’s cold waters playfully lap at my exposed feet the heat of the day faded away in this late evening Solitary trips to this exact spot

Where the sand is sort of dirty and grass and weeds more resilient then me grow up with sharp stems waiting to poke a bare foot beach runner when it Dirty begins to yawn it’s late

This is where I sit to forget the entire world behind me Thee never ending roar of traffic the sirens that break up the monotone air Some as saviors and others as reverse arsonists men and women who keep the streets safe

Surrounded by so many people, and I have never felt this alone my support system comes in the act head nods towards acquaintances Just a grain of sand swallowed by the surf at least I’d finally be part of something

I wait until sunrise before I make my move

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It's Cold Tonight

It’s cold tonight As the breath of August turns and the smell of decaying leaves and pumpkin everything slides behind the dying of summer’s warmth

It’s cold tonight and for the first time in two months I close my bedroom windows and find myself beneath the comforter on my bed

It’s cold tonight the kind of cold that makes us shiver the kind of cold that takes hold in our very bones I sound like sand tubes whenever I move listen to those ol’ rattling bones

It’s cold tonight and the bugs are all quiet the frogs are preparing for what winter may bring the swamp seems so much darker when the sun sets before eight o’clock

It’s cold tonight and it’s even colder with the touch of isolation the winter months are hard already but they get so much harder when alone trying to keep conversation with the mirror but it’s much of a conversationalist

It’s cold tonight and it will be colder tomorrow still

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“wasting beautifully”

i’ve got nothing but time to waste, and i waste it loud. scribbling poems on diner napkins at 3 a.m. while the waitress pretends i’m invisible. her coffee tastes like dirt but keeps me breathing long enough to chase ghosts with ink.

my hands smell like matches. my mouth tastes like rust. every word i write feels like another tooth falling out in slow motion. you told me once i was brilliant. i’ve been trying to believe you ever since, but all i see in the mirror is a half-life on two legs, patched together with nicotine, regret, and a handful of lines that never land right.

love used to feel like a city burning. now it feels like the ashes no one bothers sweeping up. i still dream about you— your laugh bent like stained glass, your eyes a storm i drowned in willingly. but every dream ends the same: me on the floor, you walking out, time moving like molasses, my chest hollowing into a mausoleum for something that never really belonged to me.

the world says heal. the world says move on. but healing feels like a word made up by people who’ve never tried to stitch a ghost back into silence. and moving on— christ, i’ve tried. but my feet stick to the concrete. my lungs choke on smoke that tastes like your perfume. my poems still bleed your name in every crooked syllable.

so here i am, wasting another night, wasting another page, wasting another chance to be human. but maybe wasting is the only thing i’m good at. maybe i was built to turn hours into ash, to let days slip like water through these shaky hands, to carve devotion into ruins and call it art.

time to waste, and i waste it all on you. your ghost. your echo. the idea of your smile that still keeps me upright on the nights i forget why the fuck i’m still here.

if this is what wasting looks like, then let me waste forever. let me rot beautifully. let me ruin myself for another hundred poems, another hundred sleepless nights, another hundred heartbeats spilled like gasoline on the altar of your absence.

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It's Just Sex

She always said that we were sleeping together but being fuck buddies said it much more bluntly She’s making coffee as I awake in a queen sized bed My head is pounding, it usually does when I wake up in her bed Just two people making there own after party Because the real one’s just too loud and at least it’s fucking quiet in one of our places It’s nothing more than sex, right?

I still knock even though she’s given me a key and I leave no souvenirs behind I leave her place pristine I’d rather waste our time, dancing in the sheets You give me a reason to feel again But still, this is nothing more than sex

Soon enough, I meet her friends and they have thousand of questions I try to answer And she just shrug at this press conference such a cute little grin playing manager and when it’s over and it’s back her and I She praises me on how well I handled and I notice a glint In her left iris for the first time Isn’t this still about the sex?

And these weeks I notice the smallest little things the way she skips when she’s excited how her laugh can sometimes come out as a squeak taking stock of each iris glance Her eyes are almost silver but she lists then as hazel I see her with her friends and shes the rope that ties them together a misfit chosen family that she seems to put in front of the real one And I guess I can handle that as long as this is just about sex

It took months until I realized I was burying emotions and maybe this did start as a sex thing And I don’t want that stop but I also walk through fields of clover with her I want to hold her hand in public I went everything that means

This was all just about sex

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The Used To Be

I’ll sign the guestbook at your wedding I won’t use my real name I’ll just write “The Used To Be” instead And maybe that will just fly right over your head the next morning as you and him open your presents Everyone will coo and ahh at your fancy new cook ware

But tonight everyone must dance to the same five songs you hear at every wedding we’ll do the chicken-dace before you ever notice me sitting alone with a coke instead of champagne

You’ll walk over and I’ll stand and sheepishly smile I know what’s about to happen What are you doing here? You’ll say with a mixture of anger and curiosity

And I won’t say anything at first I’ll just take in just how pretty you are in white and how lucky he is and how this used to be my spot

I just wanted to see how happy you are” I say quietly I’m trying not to be drowned out but the cha cha slide’s hard to beat

Just the used to be, wanting to see what happened next

I’ll offer to leave and apologize if I crossed a line Don’t worry, I didn’t watch the ceremony I may live in pain but that would be way way too much And I don’t want to die at least not drowning in our dead memories

You say it’s fine I was just a sucrose that’s all and you’ll ask how I am and I’m glad my shirt as long sleeves So I can lie to you and say that everything is just fine

You deserve to happy

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Cult Love

I know you’ve got some ways to always hear me Five hundred miles apart and I’m still terrified of strangers. Especially the ones I think I’d like Because everyone new I meet I think is somehow working for you

You really fucked my head up.

I don’t have any real friends left Not since you showed me what most people are And it’s my fucking choice if I want to go through that again Sometimes I think I’d like to go through that again

Could I go through that again? I pretend that I could do it but deep down, I know there’s no way in hell I could I’m not that strong and I’m the very opposite of brave

You broke me like a dead limb

Some mornings I still wake up preparing for a fight without opening my eyes Waiting to hear the screech you’d scream because is served with heat in this house and when I don’t hear it first I’m confused and then I sigh a breath of relief

Still you managed to get inside my head paranoid every unknown number is you And I refuse to have contact with you ever gain I don’t trust you and for sure don’t trust my self I kept falling for it time and time again

You made love into a control game

Isolated from family and friends I couldn’t do anything alone You made me codependent by taking my independence away Moves made popular by cult leaders

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Anita (Again)

The crickets are chirping singing hymns for anyone who would listen A frog croaks near by and you turn to me and ask if I wanted to try and catch it

Of course I want to try and catch it it’s a frog

And you laugh as I get close to the ponds edge almost falling in the water doesn’t move at all there’s on bright moon in the sky and there a moon on the mirror water It’s such a bright night

I eventually give up my excitement at finding a frog dwindling And without an amphibian in my hand I put it back within your grasp

Sorry you didn’t get it you say as we keep making the circuit a nighttime stroll around your parent’s property I think it was when I realized you loved me with your constant glances and the biting of that lip

You’ll catch the next you say, cheering me on And I smile at you the moon gives a beautiful glow in the iris of your honey colored eyes

our hands swing playfully a pendulum for keeping steps I kiss your hand again and claim I am no gentleman the fireflies are out and if we only had a jar but we don’t

we’re talking about nothing and laughing at little somethings It’s so easy with you around

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Untitled #140

I write poetry As if each one is a letter to someone a conversation had with those who can’t converse I can say the things I want to say Stuff my anxiety refuses to let me So, I’m cursed with a notebook and a pen Inspiration can really hit at any time

I don’t waste my time or my lines

I write to old friends as if I’m screaming into an emotionless face The one’s who moved on without me they changed and I stayed the same I hope all of you are well

Not one sentence is an accident

I write to past loves to the girls and boys who’ve hurt my heart I write the good moments, and I bleed the bad I wonder if they’ve ever come across them not knowing these words are meant for them

There’s always a message there’s always a message

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A Handful of This

Unbearable hours Unbearable heat oil and water mix and spit as the pan swirls the oil in movement A handful of onions and a handful of celery and a handful of carrots, sweat and mix

Knives clack down on plastic cutting boards prep work for tonight’s dinner service Keep a tight ship and we’ll float of this even has we rip through the weeds

Bandanna around my head catches sweat and hair to keep the dish as perfect as can be We don’t fuck around when it comes to this

See us scream at other as we are swallowed by the nonstop printing sound we’re so far behind Dishwashers now making dishes

four timers go off right in a row and there beeps make a complete round But I only hear for a second as the next song in the playlist plays

Take up smoking just to get a break two minutes sitting on a greasy milk crate right next to where the dumpsters sit five seconds out and called back in

Yelling shouting and swearing and vulgar behavior stop a fist fight from happening stop watching the clock

turn off the gas let everything cool say our sorries even though we know it’s just part of the rush a drink or two at the bar as I finish my paperwork

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Nobody Talks About the Last Kiss

I would’ve kissed with more passion had I know it would be the last time our lips touched I would have said everything that I couldn’t say but it wasn’t some grand gesture made for recognition no. it was quiet as a sleeping earth

Just a small peck on the cheek and a quiet I love you as I slid out of the passenger side Small and sweet, a thing made more of habit One of those cute things that couples do I didn’t know the next time I saw You’d shove my heart back inside my chest It just wasn’t fun to play with anymore And it’s going to hurt It’s going to hurt more than anything before

I would have turned your head So lips connected with lips and you could read the words and actions in the movement of our mouths and maybe you’d come to realize you were always wrong when you’d say you loved me more You would see just how much you meant to me

I’d do it, and I’d do it again Until the message would be tattooed in the kiss And maybe that would’ve saved usb

And maybe not

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I Still Fall in Love with Strangers

I fell in love with a girl on the bus today I say as if this is something new She was sitting across from me reading from a Clive Barker novel and shooting glances my way Somehow I still have no self-esteem no confidence in saying hello so I share a smile when she gets off before I do

I can’t talk to strangers Call it anxiety or call it cowardice I find my words come out in notes so it’s just easier I clench my teeth so tight that they crack in their sockets

I fell in love with a boy at the coffee shop Dirty blonde hair shagged over his mahogany eyes There two people ahead of me in line Once again, he’s gone before I can make a move I’d apparently rather die alone then learn what it means to say hello and I watch those wood burn eyes say everything I wished I could

Maybe it’s just what I’ve grown accustomed a lifestyle of wanting to be left alone and always wishing for some company a thousand new relationship’s left to rot all because I can’t open this useless mouth And if I fall in love with strangers I wonder do strangers fell in love with me?

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Night Owls

These puddles are never empty water made rainbow by spilled gasoline This city was made for the dark When the sun’s up we can see all the tricks It always seems like it’s raining or enough that everything is wet we’ll use news paper to dry off a bench Before it’s irrelevant

I jump in each puddle keeping my inner child happy Who cares what the neighbor’s think I’ve always felt those eyes watching

As I get closer to downtown the sidewalks themselves change as the streetlamps hold their place Go ahead, you can let your hair down I love to see it shine on these neon nights We’ve got it all on this visible spectrum

We were the night owls the hunt still on after the bar close Pretty dirty blonde hair you can always crash at my place If you don’t mind sharing a twin mattress It’s never been my couch to loan

I sleep pattern in the day so I can’t tell the difference between the sunrise or the sunset But I still watch them every time that their airing

the only thing that’s changed at all is my constant inner running monologue.

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Assault on Memory 13

I can tell you the year, the month, the day and event he time when I laid this manic gray’s on you It’s like the after glow of an old fashioned TV Just enough light to burn you in

I can tell you exactly where I was standing almost my drink at a double back freeze You’ve got me locked in place and you don’t even know who I am Still, it felt nice to wrap around your finger It almost felt like, Dare I say it? Home…

I can tell you the first words we spoke hello and nice to meet you followed by me buying every drink you had that night and whenever you were around me that tradition was always held as high truth You laughed at my dumb jokes And my best friend says we’re hitting it off nice whiskey cokes and PBR Cigarettes on the stairs outside

I walked to your truck that night we shared a cigarette as we walked And already I was realizing this might be important and that maybe it’s ok to take the ride Started your truck and you say goodbye and I forget to ask for your number

thank god this is the modern age and I’ve got a name and a face