#i just think its weird that while my abuse was the worst thing that happened to me im just too used to the fact it happened
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that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...
#i just felt smacked in the face with a mirror reality something i could see not only myself but so many other people i know/have known in#with a frighteningly sharp precision#some of the people in whn look IDENTICAL to real life friends or exes or people i knew in high school or coworkers#i sent it to my friend and he said 'i feel like this HAPPENED to someone i know'#i keep thinking about that awful feedback loop of mental illness isolation and social media addiction#but its so much more complicated than 'touch grass' like you could shoot all these peoples phones#and theyd just turn to something equally toxic and retraumatizing and self-flagellating#they already show this because they have ed's and self harm and abuse substances and spend money they dont have#the chronic online-ness is a symptom not the disease#the thing that makes me a little sick is how much i relate to milo refusing to delete his tumblr even after everything#i have had instances in my life where posting on tumblr was actively making my life worse or harder or getting in the way of real shit#and i still use it as a crutch in the worst of times#its just funny cuz its this thing that saves you from riskier vices while still obviously perpetuating those things#because its a place that reflects You so heavily#you reblog sad shit cause youre sad and it makes you sadder#you wanna self harm you see people post their cutting pics now you feel like its not so weird or bad#its making me ask questions like 'am i stunted' 'what does it mean to be stunted' and then of course#when is someone 'acting like a victim' and just A Victim and can you do both and what does that mean#man....
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like itpisses me awfff actually my mom outting me. bc my family on my dads side is like. fairly conservative. and she just went in calling me connor using he him like. dude. do you wanna hse a tiny bit of fuckin tact. i didnt ask her to do that and she NEVER considered what name she should use for me. and like. luckily my extended family Just kinda went with it i think bc they felt guilty for. The zoo. and related events LOL. and theyve been rly good abt it even my papaw and i wasnt sure he would. so yk... but i wish i had like. gotten to choose who knew yk. IDK basically
#like. tbh sometimes i think my mom just likes to pat herself on the back for having trans kids#and like. its not like shes transphobic and i think her outting me is the like. worst thing shes done irt my transgenderism. and she did#the same thing with my sibling Even tho my dad . even tho hes warmed up to transgender ppl in general even tho hes still weird abt it#he does not at all get nonbinary. and my mom just. started using theyrhem immediately. and my dad complained abt it#and like. one time he just started talking abt how he doesnt understand nonbinary ppl and doesnt think theyre real#and idt he realized Lamp is nonbinary but lamp was there while he was doing this and like..ngl zoo part 2 lets have a rematch LOL.#idk. i feel awful for complaining when nothing bad has actually come of it and my mom like. im literally complaining abt my mom not#misgendering me lol. which is dumb as hell. IDK. its just a bit irritating how it all happened#bc it feels like she put her Ally points on a higher priority than like. my safety. brother we live in ky my family is vonservative it#Shouldnt have gone as well as it did. idk.#again i think th only reason it went as well asnit did is bc they all feel guilty abt the whole thing with my dad. teeheed. giggled#common child abuse w. DJRBFJFNFJNGJG#awful thing 2 happen but brother i make it work 💪 rise and grind.#thats all prolly tmi idk idc.
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i am having traumatized kid thoughts so dont read the tags if it makes you uncomfortable
#i just think its weird that while my abuse was the worst thing that happened to me im just too used to the fact it happened#the few memories i have are horrible but my brain registers them as just memories. like going to the park#they are extremely fucked up but also. 'my dad once hit me so hard i ended up on the floor' and 'i went grocery shopping yesterday'#are both things that happened. and thats why sometimes i dont realize i *shouldnt* freely talk about my trauma to people i barely know#it can make them uncomfortable and thats the most understandable thing ever; especially if they didnt went through trauma too.#im the problem here; whos too sensitive due to trauma but ironically desensitized to it. sometimes i have days where i get crisis#for everything that happened; but other days im just “well that was a weird time in my life lol shit just happens i guess”#while still having to deal with the consequences of it.#theres also the thing i cant imagine a childhood + teenage years without abuse. i try to think about it but i go blank.#its such an integral part of myself i cant imagine my life taking a different route. no way it could be different; it just had to happen.#why; its something i will forever wonder. it shouldnt have happened but it just had to too. its complicated.#also my horrible memory to the point i cant tell at what age a specific event happened. im not even able to give an approximate#because i genuinely have no idea. maybe it happened when i was 10; or maybe when i was 15. no fucking idea pal. the years all blur together#idk things are just like that#abuse tw#negative#? not sure; not really a vent just thinking out loud about serious stuff
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Our worst moments don’t make us monsters
A mouthwashing reborn fic
Summary: The world felt numb after months of suffering. She couldn’t tell if it was from the anxiety she was feeling or from the concerning amount of painkillers that she took, but either way, it was better than feeling that project of a monster kicking inside her womb, making her weep inside her room every night.
CW: NSFW, MDNI!!!! SOOOOO MUCH ANGST; 4K words
TW: SA; noncon, suicidal thoughts; suicide attempt; alcohol abuse; alcoholism; p in v sex; hurt/no comfort.
AN: I think this is all, guys. Please tell me in the comments if I’ve forgotten anything!
ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE!!
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONTENT YOU CONSUME.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
The world felt numb after months of suffering. She couldn’t tell if it was from the anxiety she was feeling or from the concerning amount of painkillers that she took, but either way, it was better than feeling that project of a monster kicking inside her womb, making her weep inside her room every night.
Anya would finally get the peace she has always wanted. Nothing could bother her now.
The need to sleep was everything she could focus on, and just like that, Anya drifted off to a world where only the dead knew.
“You want me to give him the painkillers again?” Jimmy’s voice echoed, anger tinted in every word.
What? No. This can’t be. This isn’t possible.
When Anya finally opens her eyes, there he is, standing in front of her while pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You’re the fucking nurse of the ship. Why can’t you do anything right?” It was like a punch in the gut. She couldn’t think, the only thing on her mind being how the hell am I alive.
“Sorry, I-” she stops herself before finishing, saying something completely different from what she was going to say in the first place. “You know I hate the sound of him swallowing, Jimmy. It makes me sick to my stomach, but I can give it to him, don’t worry-” the sound of an annoyed groan stops her.
He’s mad. She needs to leave.
“I’ll give him the fucking pills, but just so you know, you have grown useless since… Since that,” he points aggressively at Curly on the medical bed, making Anya flinch more of instinct than fear, “happened to Curly.”
The tears welling in her eyes weren’t from just fear, no. They were more from confusion than anything else, as to why she was back in this situation with Jimmy and not rotting by the side of Curly’s bed.
This has happened before. She knows it has.
She reluctantly handed the bottle of painkillers to Jimmy and left the room, not knowing what to do next. Everything felt familiar. Strange, even, like a deja vu but with much more details and accuracy.
She can hear Swansea talking to Daisuke. He doesn’t seem drunk. No, he seems… Sober. Annoyed at something Daisuke did. Anya follows the source of the noise and finds Daisuke with a… pack of sweetener?
No. This is too confusing.
Somehow, a smile makes its way to her lips. Simpler times. Swansea spots her standing on the doorway and waves at her, nodding curtly in her direction. Daisuke turns around and beams at Anya, waving both of his hands at her while saying something she can’t quite understand. Something about Swansea being too much of an old man, probably.
The deep breath she takes comes out a bit shaky, but neither man seems to notice.
It’s better to keep it this way.
She walks towards them with new-found vigour, ignoring the strange feeling inside her and sitting by Swansea, offering him a small, tired smile before listening to the conversation they were having.
As the hypothetical night falls, Anya finds herself unable to ignore the weird feeling for much longer. She wanted to think about it, but somewhere private.
Her room was not a place she could be since the incident, but mostly because she couldn’t lock her door. All she could think was I would do anything for a lock, and that’s when she remembers: there’s a lock in the medbay. She could even talk to Curly, if she’d like.
He wouldn’t tell anyone about what’s happening.
Anya excuses herself and stands up quickly, feeling dizzy for a few seconds. The feeling is ignored as she keeps walking, her only thought being I need to talk to Curly.
The walk is short, but it feels long with the rapid thrumming of Anya’s heart in her chest, her once calm breathing now ragged, almost reduced to a pant as she finally reaches the medbay.
The door opens for her, making it easier for her to enter the room and finally lock herself inside, sitting on the floor by Curly’s bed and pulling her knees to her chest, searching for comfort in the position she has spent many nights in.
Anya couldn’t tell what was going on. Everything was so confusing, nothing was making any sense at all. She got lost in her own thoughts for a while, before getting pulled out of them by a familiar, pained grunt.
Curly.
She could feel his eyes lingering on her face, but she couldn’t understand why.
Does he even care? He cared more about Jimmy than her all those months ago.
“Why are you staring at me…?” Curly’s eyes held some weight to them, maybe guilt, worry, even. But she couldn’t stop the tears rolling down her cheeks when she heard a very harsh cough. Curly was in pain, and it was all her fault.
“This all has happened before, Curly. I’m confused,” she sobs and sniffles the words as if they pain her, and if Curly could, he would frown at her and ask her what’s wrong. But he can’t, because he has grown useless inside this ship. The well known captain, now a vegetable on a medical bed, unable to talk, eat, sleep or drink on his own. All because of her.
“I thought I would finally have what I wanted, but I’m back here!” Anya all but cries at Curly, trying to hug her knees as her eyes grow puffy and sore, when a confused hum makes her look to her side. Curly is staring at her, as if waiting for her to elaborate.
Even like this, he does what he can for his crew.
The rest of Anya’s night is spent crying by Curly’s side, muffling every single noise she makes because she’s afraid Jimmy will do it again. Afraid that he’ll come inside at any moment, threatening to hurt her even more if she dares to tell a soul about what happened. About all the sick things he has done to her, the uncomfortable positions he has put her just so he could pull at her hair and take everything he wanted, not letting anything go to waste.
The way she’s sitting brought her comfort once, but now, with her belly slightly bigger, she finds herself unable to fully hug her knees, remembering there’s a human being growing inside of her against her own will, resulting in even more tears and sobs coming out of her mouth.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
When she wakes up, it’s because of the loud banging on the door, startling her out of her sleepy state.
“Anya, are you okay in there? Do you need help?” She hears Swansea’s voice and takes a deep breath in, not even realizing that she had stopped breathing. “I’m alright!” The answer is meek, shy, even.
She rubs her eyes and stands up, washing her face on the sink by the medicine cabinet and unlocks the door, greeting a very worried looking Swansea.
“Captain Jimmy told me to get you. He said we’re discussing something important.” He says as he shrugs his shoulders, “I hope it’s about the payment.” He chuckles and crosses his arms, walking towards the lounge, where she could already hear two voices.
“Maybe there’s something huge down there,” just by the excitement she could tell it was Daisuke who was talking, “better! Maybe it’s spare parts, so me and Swasea can repair the ship! We’ll be out of here in no time!”
Swansea huffs and rolls his eyes, “I can repair the ship, you’ll only get on my way, boy.” Daisuke’s boyish giggles warm Anya’s heart and she remembers that he’s just a kid, he doesn’t deserve to be here with them. “But I don’t want to open the cargo. If we do, it’ll only get us even more underpaid.” And Swansea finally sits down by Daisuke’s side, leaving Anya to stand or sit besides Jimmy. She doesn’t make a move to sit.
“If it’s food, we’ll be able to survive for a few more months. Just enough time for the rescue team to find us.” This time, it’s Jimmy who talks and Swansea rolls his eyes again.
“It’d be good if it’s more medicine, you know… Curly’s painkillers are almost over, but-” She’s interrupted by Jimmy giving Anya a once over, wetting his lips as he looks back at both men sitting in front of him and he stands up, clapping his hands together with a loud smack.
“Alright, who’s coming to the cargo hold?”
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
They were all apprehensive, to say the least. The four of them stood in front of the cargo hold, Jimmy with the scanner in hands finally revealing the room code to unlock it. He enters it on the security device by the door and it works, opening the door.
Anya stares blankly. There was so much cargo, but she already knew that. So many shelves full of boxes, all of them with the same size, shape and color. A maze of the product they were taking somewhere and were being underpaid for it.
“This is… a lot.” The shock on Daisuke’s voice is clear as they finally enter the room, eyes wide, looking at every box on the shelves.
Swansea rolls his eyes and sighs, crossing his arms when he says “If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have noticed,” irony tinged in every word. Daisuke’s eyes shine and he chuckles, “You’re welcome, Swansea! I already knew your old man’s eyes didn’t work well, heh.”
Swansea huffs and glares at Daisuke, who pretends to not notice the death stare he’s receiving and continues to walk towards the shelves, grabbing a box and trying to make it seem that he doesn’t struggle with it’s weight, even though it’s obvious that he’s not strong enough to hold it for more than 5 seconds.
Anya stills at the doorway, a storm of everything that has happened before she woke up flooding her mind as she stares at the boxes, all of them filled to the brim with the same thing, that was gonna be – hopefully – helpful. Which she knew was not. “Wait! Maybe we should open it outside of the cargo hold…?”
The quietness in her voice results in nobody answering her and she looks down, finally entering the room as she rubs her arms, self conscious about everything.
“How are we gonna open this beauty?” Now it’s Daisuke that goes unanswered, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He all but beams at the grimace on Swansea’s face as he puts an arm over Jimmy’s shoulder, raising his brows in a funny way. Anya quietly chuckles and Jimmy looks over at her.
Swansea stands by her side with an annoyed but slightly fond look, shaking his head as he goes to take the box from Daisuke’s hands, earning a yelp from the boy and a giggle from Anya.
“Give me this thing,” he brings it to the platform near the door and places the box carefully on the floor, cracking his back right after standing up straight. “Ugh, my back is killing me.”
Anya follows Swansea and rubs his back, seemingly worried by his words. “If you’d like, there’re still some painkillers in the medbay-”
She’s immediately cut off by Jimmy’s annoyed voice, “That’s why the painkillers are ending, Anya!”
Swansea offers Anya a small smile and glares at Jimmy, not saying anything to either of them as Daisuke finally arrives beside them all, a screwdriver in hands as he jogs happily towards the box and crouches.
“Let’s see what we have here!” Is what he says as he cuts the tape that was closing the box with the tool he has in hands.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
Swansea’s laugh echoes through the whole ship. It’s loud, raspy and disbelieving at the product they have been carrying this long.
It was Dragonbreath X Mouthwash.
“Mouthwash? Seriously?” Jimmy’s incredulous voice is what makes Swansea’s laugh crack, looking at him in disbelief as Daisuke has a curious look on his face.
“Let me see this,” he takes the bottle from Jimmy’s hands and reads the ingredients for the product, reaching the bottom of the list and laughing even harder.
“This thing has 14% ethanol!” His disbelieving laugh still rings in Anya’s ears as she inspects the bottle as well, raising her brows in confusion when she reads the sugar percentage once more.
It never fails to amaze her.
“The amount of sugar in this eliminates all its disinfecting properties, too…” She puts it back inside the box and looks over at Daisuke, who’s even more confused when Swansea opens the bottle.
“13 years of sobriety, down the drain.” And he takes a big drink from the bottle. Anya already knew this would happen, but she still doesn’t know how to react when he does that.
“Daisuke, I’m gonna teach you how to drink like a man!” And the boy's eyes all but shine with excitement. “Hell yeah!” Is all he manages out as he grabs a bottle from inside the box, opens it and takes a swig.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
Anya was turning left towards the medbay when she sees Jimmy walking past a fallen – and obviously drunk – Daisuke, not paying him any mind as he clearly tries to stand up.
When Jimmy is finally out of sight, she walks towards Daisuke and crouches by his head, placing a hand on his hair and stroking it gently, as if not to startle him as he looks up at her and grins goofily.
“Anya! It’s so good to see you here! Have you seen Swansea? I wanted to go grab more mouthwashes with him!” His words slur together and the smile on his face never falters, even when Anya frowns at him and shakes her head.
“No, Daisuke. Maybe you should rest before finding him, hm?” Her tone is firm, but with unending kindness. When he nods, she helps him up and takes him to his made up bed on the lounge, since his bedroom was consumed by the safety foam.
Anya only leaves Daisuke’s side when he’s fallen asleep, softly snoring and hugging a pack of sweetener, making her smile fondly at the image in front of her.
If the… thing inside her was born, she’d want it to be like Daisuke.
She makes her way into the medbay, closes the door and sits on the floor by Curly’s bed once more. The only place she has found comfort in was the place that she had decided to take her own life in.
How ironic.
She looks over at Curly and sighs audibly, her head being supported by her hand as she stares at the man in front of her.
Anya doesn’t seem to notice when Curly turns his head and looks back at her, groaning to pull her attention towards his voice and out of her head, resulting in an startled Anya looking up at him, wide eyes filled with worry as she stands up.
“Are you in pain, Curly?” She knows he won’t answer her question. She knows he can’t answer her, but she asks anyway, feeling the need to at least try to engage him in small conversations.
He only squirms in response, shifting the bed sheets under him and she smiles sadly, walking towards the medicine cabinet and grabbing a bottle of painkillers, opening it with a quiet ‘pop’ and shaking a pill onto her hand.
She puts the bottle away, takes a deep breath and walks back to Curly’s bed, looking at him with fondness and pity. “This’ll only take a second, okay?” And she opens his mouth, taking a deep breath and helps him swallow the pill.
The sound of him choking makes her want to vomit and cry at the same time, but she holds it all in for Curly’s sake.
He’s already suffering enough.
When he finally swallows, the relief Anya feels is so big that she lets out a big, deep breath that she didn’t even know she was holding in. Curly does the same, but his breath is followed by a rough cough and a deep inhale.
She sits back by his side and tries to hug her knees, being able to hug them until her hands almost meet.
She used to be able to hug her knees entirely before Jimmy.
She sighs again, but this time, it’s pained. A sound that anyone who’s able to hear identifies it as a request for help. And then, it kicks, eliciting a sob out of her.
“It… kicked, Curly.” Her single sob turns into two, three, endless cries of desperation when she realizes once more that the baby she’s carrying is real, not a dream or hallucination. It’s real.
Her night is spent just like the others: sobbing quietly until she falls asleep, still worried that Jimmy might do it again, and again, and again.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
When Anya wakes up, it’s still dark. She’s not wearing her uniform, no – she’s wearing her favorite pajamas. A green, loose shirt stamped with tiny dinosaurs and some pants to match that were ripped to shreds on the night that Jimmy raped her.
She looks around and realizes that she’s not in the medbay, she’s in her room. And she can hear footsteps – slow and heavy, as if not trying to wake anyone up.
Then, she hears it: her door opening slowly. A familiar shadow appears by the side of her bed and she tries to move, but she can’t. She’s frozen in place, breathing rapidly and gripping her shirt tightly.
There he stands, a serious expression on his face as he enters her bedroom and closes the door as quietly as possible. Jimmy.
When his eyes finally land on her small, desperate form, he smirks. He knows she won’t try to do anything to stop him because she’s weaker than him. He can tear her apart with his own hands if he’d like, but why hurt something so precious like this when you can just… Take what you want from it?
Anya tries to scream, to no avail. No sound comes out, only a pant that she identifies as the beginning of a panic attack that would only worsen as time passes by.
He walks towards her slowly, sitting on the edge of her bed and placing his hand on her covered, trembling thigh. Jimmy looks at her like she’s a piece of meat, all ready for him to eat it all up and not let any single part go to waste.
Anya moves her hands to grab at his wrist, but Jimmy is faster and uses a single hand to hold both of her hands together, making it impossible for her to free herself from his punishing grip.
He looked at her thighs and licked his lips, tightening his grip on her pants before ripping them to small pieces, inch by inch. By now, Anya was sobbing, hard, begging Jimmy to stop what he was doing.
When he finished his work, he just stared at the big hole he had made on the crotch of her pajamas and smirked, because now only her panties and his pants separated them.
Jimmy swiftly takes his cock out, pumping it a few times before he goes to lay down on top of her, who tries to resist and manages to pull her hands free for a second before having them restrained together once more.
“If you don’t stop with this shit, it’ll be way worse for you, doll. Understand?” Jimmy’s tone is harsh, scaring Anya even further as she gulps and nods, tears still streaming down her face as he smirks and teases her panty-clad cunt with the wet tip of his hard dick.
He chuckles darkly when Anya lets out a strangled gasp and he moves to sit on his haunches, using his free hand to push her panties to the side, exposing her most intimate parts to him, who only spits on his own hand and strokes his cock for a few seconds before lining up with her entrance, bottoming out with a single, hard, painful thrust.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
Anya wakes up gasping for air, her hands clutching tightly at her uniform and tears strolling down her cheeks.
This time, it was just a nightmare, but a few months ago, this was what caused her to have a human being growing inside her womb.
She can’t stop shaking as she stands up, sobbing quietly as she walks to the door of the medbay and locks it, having decided that this was enough for her, she couldn’t take it anymore.
When she grabs a new bottle of painkillers, she hears a knock on the door and a young voice calls her out.
Daisuke.
“Anya, are you okay in there? Why can’t I open the door?” He seems worried, and Anya doesn’t want to worry him even more, but her words betray her.
“The door is stuck. I can’t get out.” She mentally slaps herself at that, knowing that it would only worry the poor boy even more, when she hears him talking to someone outside of the room.
“Anya, Jimmy’s here! We’ve come to rescue you!” Daisuke’s voice trembles as he yells at her through the door, trying to show confidence in this situation and failing.
She takes a deep breath and when she’s about to answer, she’s interrupted by a familiar voice, Jimmy’s voice. “Hey , I heard the door’s stuck.” Anya refuses herself to answer, putting her hand over her mouth to muffle a sob.
“Hey, Anya! Can you hear me?” She can hear the stress in his voice and she gulps. “Yes, Jimmy. I can hear you.”
Jimmy’s sigh is audible enough for Anya to hear when he speaks again, “The rest of the medicine stock is in there with you, too.”
Of course he’s worried about the medicine, and not her.
“Fuck, this can’t be good. Did you really try hard to open it?” It’s as if he’s trying to make her guilty of the situation that only started because of him, really. For the first time, Anya quietly laughs incredulously.
“Are there any tools around? Is the med kit heavy?” This time it’s Daisuke who talks, trying to actually help, unlike Jimmy.
When they go unanswered, Jimmy sighs once more. “Anya, is the door stuck?” There’s a beat of uncomfortable silence before she reluctantly answers, her voice shaky. “No.”
Daisuke’s confused voice is the first thing she hears after her answer. “What? What do you mean?” She sighs and walks towards Curly’s bed, sitting on the floor by his side.
“Anya, look, we’re all stressed here, but you can’t just throw a fit at anything. Open the fucking door.” Her tears haven’t stopped since she has woken up, and this time, she can’t hide her sob.
“You were right… You were right this whole time. I should’ve done this since the beginning.” She can hear Daisuke’s breath get quicker, lighter.
“I have always believed that our worst moments don’t define us, Jimmy. These moments don’t turn us into villains.” Anya manages to open the bottle of painkillers with shaky hands, and outside of the room, they can hear a small ‘pop’.
“Do you think I wanted this, too?” She sobs once more and stares at the pills inside its container. “Don’t get mistaken. This isn’t my worst moment. Far from it, this is my best moment.”
“Anya, what’s happening?” Daisuke’s trembling voice reaches her ears and she lets out a shaky sigh.
“Open the door.” Anya can hear the panic in Jimmy’s voice as she looks at the door and then at the pills once more.
“I’ll take care of this.” Before she swallows the whole bottle, she can hear Daisuke yelling. “Anya? What does this mean?”
She looks over at Curly, who was watching everything from the beginning and breathing raggedly. Anya offers him a soft smile as more tears run down her face.
“Goodbye, Captain Curly.” And she chugs the whole bottle down, sighing and just waiting for the medicine to work on her body.
After a few moments, the world felt numb after months of suffering. She couldn’t tell if it was from the anxiety she was feeling or from the concerning amount of painkillers that she took, but either way, it was better than feeling that project of a monster kicking inside her womb, making her weep inside her room every night.
Anya would finally get the peace she has always wanted. Nothing could bother her now.
The need to sleep was everything she could focus on, and just like that, Anya drifted off to a world where only the dead knew.
“You want me to give him the painkillers again?” Jimmy’s voice echoed, anger tinted in every word.
What? No. This can’t be. This isn’t possible.
꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚꒷︶꒷꒥꒷‧₊˚
AN: Maybe I’ll make this a series? Idk. We’ll see what fate has for me :)
#anya mw#mouthwashing reborn fic#mouthwashing fic#swansea mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mw angst#hurt/no comfort#idk what I’m doing pls help#this is the last stage of insanity#we all hate jimmy
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ok you made good points for the most part but something in your helluva post confuses me: how in the world has stolas been "sexually abusing octavia the entire series"?
going off of the definition of sexual abuse (rape, assault, trafficking, molestation, coercion, etc.) i cannot think of anything that even remotely points to evidence of that.
surely, SURELY you aren't claiming that just because he said something sexual on the phone in front of her? not even TO her or ABOUT her? that's a misstep for sure, but going so far as to call that sexual abuse is... just not correct.
maybe if he did it on purpose or specifically because she was around, but to me it reads like he forgot she was there and got caught up in the phone conversation. there's no evidence that it happened more than once either, so "the whole series" is a biiig stretch.
i REALLY hope that specific moment isn't what you mean, because that's the kind of claim that really softens the meaning of the term... but i really can't think of anything else that even suggests it.
I feel like theres definitely a way to say "Hey! We seem to disagree on this interpretation of this show! I have no fucking idea where you are coming from, can you explain?" Without turning it into a...definition....of rape.......to the rape victim........and also accusing said rape victim of "softening" language?? Would the term sexual harassment be better?? I personally think it's arbitrary to say "thats not technically sexual abuse, its just weird, stop calling it that" when it's something sexual.....that hurts someone?? Idk its semantics.
So anyway ignoring the vibes you brought to the table, I was talking to my irl friend about Helluva, back when the stolitz shit was happening. And I was complaining because of how CLEAR the abuse in that dynamic is to me. And he was like "I think cuz of your trauma that you're reading into it too much and taking it too seriously." And I was like "IF VIV WANTS POINTS FOR DOING SA REP, THEN IM GONNA TAKE EVERYTHING SUPER SERIOUSLY"
The difference between us is that I was sexually abused, and trafficked(not sex trafficked but still) so when I watch this show, I IMMEDIATELY pick up on things happening there. While he doesn't because he's """normal"""" and not traumatized, so he just sees fun dick joke show about dick and balls. I think a lot of this fandom is a mix of both. People like me picking up on signs, and other people who just are here for jokes and don't necessarily notice all the really bad shit because thats not exactly their lived experience. Completely understandable, I don't hold it against anyone for not noticing it the way I do. But I do see it, and wanna bitch about it.
We're in hell. This show is set in the actual human bible hell damnation hell for hell people. I think there's a way to read some characters as "uwu babies", but I'm not gonna. It's hell. In hell. I'm going to be giving no one the benefit of the doubt, and assume the worst in people until proven otherwise. Especially when the characters in question are dickbags who never actually change.
What Stolas is doing is...sexual harassment? Is that better??? Stolas is openly engaging in pretty intense kinkplay around his daughter and that is in fact, Bad.
(its also entirety possible Octavia knows that this dynamic is sexually violent and is forced to listen to her dad want to rape a guy, and no dont come telling me thats wrong too, fuck off.)
And as someone who's been through the exact same kind of trauma as Octavia, I can say it definitely fucked me up✨ The only thing I'll give Stolas is that it doesn't seem like he's been doing this around her since she was a small child like I was, but its still bad. That's still inappropriate behavior, that's still something he should know to stop immediately when he sees she's around. Octavia is a depressed, struggling teenager who needs love and support while dealing with this sudden divorce. Stolas spends EVERY episode that is supposed to be about them, either tryna fuck Blitz in front of her, or ignoring her to interact with Blitz and or yell at Stella.
Stolas' problem as a character(not a bad thing, this should be a story/character arc) is that he's deeply entitled, and doesn't see how is actions effect others. Stolas is upset that he was forced into marriage? Wow, isn't Stella such a bitch for doing that too him? No empathy for the woman also being raped and abused through this forced marriage. Stolas is gay and wants to fuck? Let's not think about the class difference, and that he's literally holding Blitz' survival in his hands in exchange for cock. Stolas wants the sexual experiences he was robbed of because of his trauma? Who cares if it destroys his family and makes his daughter feel worthless, he wants to sext. His arc should be about facing the fact that he's abusive, and hurtful. He is hurting Blitz, and Octavia with his sexual behavior. But if he was supposed to be a "good" character with "good intentions", then he should have no problem apologizing and ACTUALLY changing. Stolas doesn't seem upset that they're upset, he's upset he got "caught". He's upset Blitz demands respect and doesn't suck his dick the second he shows any remorse. He's upset that he can't fight Stella and fuck all he wants and instead has to deal with his moody teenager ACTUALLY needing attention and support. My comment about "the entire series" is because the only things we see are the bad parts of their relationship with no development, even if its only a few episodes.
Also since we're playing the virtue game, saying "but he didn't do it on purpose" is actual victim blaming and rapist apologist behavior so like, good job?? Saying rape or sexual abuse isn't as big of a deal just because it was an accident, or unintentional is definitely a take to have. Now, I'd say this is a stupid furry series that doesn't matter in the long run, but you're the one whining about language??
Anyway. Hazbin/Helluva are poorly made shows that annoy me. Pls stop fucking with people about shit like "softening" language and all that "real victims" and all that purity culture savior complex bullshit. Its super weird. Rambling times over, its like 5am im going back to sleep. Also I'm proship, this is media analysis not a moral thing except for the part where I was fucked with over language.
#rip the council dealing with me going insane over this ask at 5am#im slepy#also leave me alone lmao#theres a lot more angry version of this in my drafts but im gonna be slightly normal about it#Octavia hits very close to home for me and it annoys me#i hate when i get good abuse rep and the fandom always forgets that the guy they're defending has a daughter#borderlands2 was like this as well and i ufughghg#anyway slepy#helluva boss critical#proship#anon ask#rant
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And I fully acknowledge that a BIG gripe I have with how willing people are to ignore or invalidate scenes where Bruce is abusive with his kids because it doesn't fit into their preferred view of him as a character....
Like, I have my issues with how people interact with abuse as a topic and trope in media, granted, but I've always additionally taken issue with how matter of fact a lot of Batfandom is about being willing to look the other way about many of Bruce's worst moments because they're like That's Not MY Bruce...
And its like, okay, I get that, I can sympathize.....
But its both weird and OBNOXIOUS to me how at the same time, so much of fandom is so much LESS willing to extend the same kind of allowances to Dick's worst moments, even when....as I was just talking about....many of THEM have brainwashing or amnesia or other contexts that a ton of Bruce's worst moments just flat out do not have!
Whatever you may think about Bruce's scenes of abuse, it can not be denied that like....NTT #55? A hard, brutal story, but the Bruce in it was still in possession of his own faculties. He was grieving. Absolutely. But he was Bruce. Nobody ever tried to claim he was possessed, that someone was mind controlling him. He did that.
The Bruce who knocked out Dick's tooth in the Court of Owls story.....again, just Bruce. I don't even like citing that particular scene because I find it so gratuitous but yet again....this is not a possessed or mind controlled Bruce. Bruce with Jason in too many stories to name...Just Bruce. Etc, etc.
Now juxtapose that with the FIXATION so much of fandom has always had on the subject of DICK'S temper....even though....he has never actually tried to beat his family members to death, or punched them in a fit of anger (he's usually the one on the receiving end of Jason or Tim's punches, if not Bruce's)....
While at the same time citing things like.....Dick's scathing words to Donna in their fight while....he was brainwashed.....or his attitude towards Kory or Alfred in....the exact same story time frame. Rinse and repeat for the Ric Grayson era, or his attitude around the time of his intended wedding to Kory, when he was very much initially characterized as being all over the place and talking about feelings of violation in the aftermath of everything with Mirage....his fight with Roy over leadership of the Titans did NOT happen in a vacuum, and let's not forget about how completely twisted people have made Dick and Tim's dynamic during the Red Robin era when so much of what's claimed about Dick's behavior towards Tim is just...not even accurate, let alone without context, but all of this context? Across all of these instances? Lost completely when these specific moments in time are plucked out of their larger stories and stitched together to form the tapestry of Dick Grayson's Infamous Temper and Bad Acts Towards Friends & Family.
And that's so....ugly to me.
There's no escaping that juxtaposition, in my mind. The allowances that are made for Bruce's character, and many other Batfamily members like oh say, being able to see Jason as the one who values Tim the most out of all his siblings, never mind that time he almost beat him to death in Titans Tower, etc, etc.....
At the exact same time as these allowances are made, the exact OPPOSITE energy is displayed towards acknowledging and cataloguing the context of these various events upheld as proof of why Dick's Not So Great, Actually.
And that will always be at the heart of my issues with this fandom.
I'm actually fine with people not wanting to view Bruce as an abusive father. I GET IT. I can sympathize even as I personally do see value in exploring the dynamic that's resulted from many of these stories that others shy away from as its not what they want to see in these characters' stories.
But what I will never be fine with is how the character who has DEFINITIVELY been on the receiving end of more instances of physical abuse from his family, let alone Bruce himself.....is continually judged with an intense scrutiny on his temper, attitude and behavior towards the very friends and family who so often dole out harm to HIM.....that no other fans EVER subject their own faves to.
When the character continually abused in various stories is held to a higher standard of behavior than those who continually are shown hurting him just to make themselves feel better, all because nobody is willing to even hold those stories AGAINST the characters dishing out the abuse THERE.....
When fandom has so twisted and skewed things that he's commonly cited as being just as capable of being cruel and cutting to his various family members and friends as they have ever been to him, with this always taking the form of things he's said to them (usually under VERY extenuating circumstances, up to and including amnesia and mind control) even as his family members and friends continue to have instances of outright physical violence towards him (Jason & Tim punching him post Spyral, Bruce in NTT 55 and others, Donna punching him through a wall in the Brother Blood stories)....
And its not even framed as 'he can be just as bad as them' but it actually ends up being more like 'he can be worse than them actually' because nobody wants to bring up, let alone linger on all of those things I just cited about them doing to HIM....
I have a Very Big Problem with that, actually.
And frankly, I think more people SHOULD have a Very Big Problem with that.
Because some of those things are not like the others.
Not that you could tell from the way fandom talks about these characters.
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"That Really Happened?!" DC Comics Tournament Entry #14
Domestic Abuse Ghost Possession
[ID: Two page comic spread of a giant Sinestro head smiling with tongue wrapped around Green Lantern John Stewart's leg. Figures below pose in anguish and dark buildings appear in the background. John yells, "You're dead, Sinestro!" To which Sinestro replies, "Not any more!" /END ID]
What Happened?
Jesus. Okay. SO green lantern: mosaic is already a really weird comic. The creator (who we don't talk abt and also was in prison until a couple of years ago) literally said (paraphrase) "Mosaic is the book I write when I get confused writing my other books". Like bro. Anyways it follows John Stewart (Green Lantern) as he tries to establish a peaceful society between a bunch of species (humans included) taken from their homeworlds and forced to coexist on this plant. Standard comic plot. NORMAL, even. Or so you'd think.
It's revealed that John is being possessed a times (blacking out) by the ghost of Old Timer, an evil Guardian (so like a smurf looking alien) who brought all the people to the mosaic in the first place. Plot-wise this still makes sense, GL: Mosaic is a spin off and this whole plot was kind of established in the main comic. It makes sense.
AND THEN YOU GET ISSUE NO. 3. John is inexplicably in a relationship with this woman Rose. This happens completely off panel and without explanation (although they did have some chemistry in the main GL title, it was a very complicated dynamic and there was even a joke about them NOT being in a relationship) [the joke was that rose's town was super scandalized bc they thought she was dating John (because aaaaghhhhh interracial relationship or whatever [this is like 1992] and shes from rural West Virgina and was all like no guys its not LIKE that (but like it actually wasnt)) so idk that was a thing that happened
But ANYWAYS in Mosaic #3 John and Rose are dating for some reason???? And then he picks her up and flies up and then drops her and laughs as she screams and falls. He also kicks her around and like beats her up in front of her son while she pleads with him to stop. So VERY much domestic abuse 👍love some absolutely insane fucking mischaracterization what the actual hell. Also he keeps using weird nicknames like calling her Rosie and himself Johhny or Daddy while possessed(?) SO I don't fucking know what that was the fuck
Anyways it's then revealed that this behavior was because of the GHOST! who could have thunk? However instead of the ghost CANONICALLY inside his head that was literally possessing him THE ISSUE BEFORE, turns out it was SINESTRO'S GHOST! how the fuck did he get in johns head you may ask? I could not tell you! He's just there! At this point I'm wondering what the actual fuck is going on and also how many ghosts are possessing John Stewart. Like HONESTLY. I've either entirely lost the plot by now or am just in shock over what is happening. Likely both.
Anyways John goes in his brain to fight the Sinestro ghost (who like ties him up with his tongue and calls him boy (and Sinestro daddy this time) and all sorts of insanely weird awful stuff) And then his girlfriend (who he ISNT DATING) forgives him because "it was the ghost". Absolutely incomprehensible arc. This happened in ONE ISSUE of this comic. The first ghost is not mentioned at all during this story
Also the worst thing abt this whole ordeal is that this is a spin off of an arc in the main GL title which was actually REALLY FUCKING GOOD. like it was great, I loved it. And yet somehow the author (may he die gruesomely) managed to forget what HE HIMSELF WROTE and all knowledge of characterization and turn his hero into a horribly mischaracterized domestic abuser in a plot thay makes no sense.also there was def some racist wack ass shit going on with this fr. The whole comic is honestly an ego trip for the writer it makes no fucking sense and every letter page is just two pages of him talking directly to the readers and telling them how smart he is. This is issue 3 and is as far as i got. Listen to me and do not read this comic
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Tournament polls will be posted after all entries are up. As always you can find all posts related to the tournament using #dc-polls-trh
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Is it at all weird that I find that when I create characters with csa trauma or otherwise project my experiences onto a character though headcanons and such, I tend to not make it 1 for 1 what happened/how I remember it. That on its own doesn’t feel weird but something that worries me is that I usually make it “worse” for them than it was for me. My cope characters get raped and groomed and are stuck being abused for months or years. Then there’s me. I was just touched over my clothes while my abuser said some vile things to/about me. It only ever happened once, that or I was only even awake for it once. My mom found out and that was the end of it.
It makes me worried and feel bad, as if I’m trying to imply/pretend I went through more than I actually did. I don’t even share it with anyone besides my closest of friends who already know it’s a coping mechanism and what happened to me. But I wonder if what I’m doing is at best unnecessary or at worst gross/disrespectful
(I’m not well educated on discourse but if I’m not wrong this might be a part of a proshipping thing? We don’t have enough information to take a stance in anti vs pro proshipping and don’t intend to do so in this answer either. We ask that readers and commenters remain open and respectful. And if this ask doesn’t resonate with you, scroll away. Also, this might NOT be a proshipping thing and I am sorry to bring up that topic incase it was not 😅)
I don’t think it’s disrespectful nor gross nor unnecessary to make project in a way that make the characters have different experiences than you. But there are probably other people who could answer this a bit more in depth.
#survivor#tw csa implied#tw csa#csa vent#trauma vent#actually traumatized#trauma#tw csa mention#tw csa vent#tw proship
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I LIVED BITCH
(cw: noncon/rape, guns, disregard for gun safety, family abuse, forced isolation, medical neglect)
wanted to save this post for until i got to a safe place, but now that i am, i can give y'all a reason why i didn't post much if at all.
its mostly because of my family.
on a scale from 1-10 (10 being the worst, 1 being the best) my mom and dad are 10, most of my dad's side of the family is like, 9.5 outside of grandma n pa. they are like an 8 or 7 depending on how pissy/petty i feel about them. my brother is like, 4. and my sister is the only one whose normal about everything so she's a 1.
the reason my mom n dad are so highly rated is because my mom would lowkey ghost me for the entire summer when school stopped, and my dad is, well, according to mom- "he never takes no as an answer."
makes me think about why i always gravitated towards noncon fanfics for wilson/maxwell. Im still working on that.
grandma n pa are 8 because my grandma defends my dad (and pretty much any violent male member of the family) and my grandpa WAVED A FUCKING LOADED GUN IN MY FACE on the day of the move. if his hand was NOT on the trigger, he could've shot me in any part of my body including my head
my brother is a 4 because he hasn't apologized for beating the shit out of me almost every day until i was 16, but he's gotten a lot better at controlling his anger.
my sister was the only one who realized that the only way she was going to stay in my life was being cautious, but also realizing why i wanted out so bad, since she went through most of this herself.
outside of that, i hid most of my art from my family because i could NOT handle the disappointment that my family would show if that their "adorable daughter" drew a guy ripping his face off, or drawing porn (tho that wasnt until years later, obviously.) thats why most of my art is violent or violent in nature. its what i grew up in. constant fights all the time. cps was called a few times but they didnt do anything outside of adding to the trauma pile
im tired and finally in a safe environment where i wont be threatened to be shipped off my dad's place, which, if that was to happen... I'd lose all of my support network, including doctors and psychiatrists. I'd be completely shut off from the outside world, including my boyfriend and friends on discord. in his mind, the internet is the reason i have such high needs, instead of, y'know, THE 'TISM.
as for my past, i have gone by "noonfish" or some variation of that on tumblr, but that was while i was stuck somewhere in the alt-right rabbit hole on yt since most of my family loves trump, which is why i nuked all of them. I am deeply ashamed of my past and i'm still working on it, i know i can be better tomorrow than i was today. If i had a nickel for every time my grandma defended a rapist, I'd have three nickels, which isnt a lot but its weird it happened with three people.
i understand if people also stop following for my previous "ties" to the alt right (i was pretty surface level, mainly memes), however i was like, what, 16? and extremely isolated to boot. Thank fuck i got anti-psychotics. i was losing my mind for YEARS due to undiagnosed schizo-affective disorder, which was in play since i was 8. I still remember the time i missed my bus going home from school in elementary school, and when my mom had me in the car, she drove into a parking space and proceeded to yell at me to stop telling the teachers because "i was scaring them" because i kept seeing shadow people in the hallways. all the doctors just assumed I was being racist or something? im not sure about that but the only thing that came out of that was me getting glasses (which, tbh i did in fact, need)
after that, it went lowkey until middle/high school, where it resurfaced again and will continue until i fucking die, so thats fun. if I didn't have schizo-affective disorder, i probably still would've fallen for the alt-right pipeline on yt when i was a child (because of unsupervised access to the internet), but at least i'd be able to make a coherent statement about it. i still hate all those people that helped make my mental illness worse to the point i thought only ohio existed for like, 6 months. shit was awful.
so yeah, thats why i've been so on n off. hope to get some art soon since its about time i should do a full render. maybe it will be two girls kissing.
#life up8#this shit was awful going through without telling anyone#autism#schizoaffective#tw medical neglect#tw gun safety#tw abuse
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On ‘Danganronpa Togami’ also, I would be of the viewpoint that most of what happened in the present in terms of actual events not merely spoken of was real (unlike the interpretation of certain others) and that the way Borges worked was essentially like a more advanced versions of the vision filters from ‘Black Mirror’, replacing what was seen/heard by Blue Ink with regards to the identities of (some of) the people who were being encountered then being obscured/replaced with others if they seemed to contradict what Blue Ink’s reality (as Byakuya’s biographer) was supposed to be, and what words they were saying. That what can be guaranteed to have been real 100% would be those scenes Borges wouldn’t have had the right context to in order to properly filter it off into something else, like most of the Ultimate Despair encounters, Byakuya calling Junko, the brief Mukuro encounter, Toko showing up and Genocide Jill going into action, etc., as well as any information given by characters in the games (like there being 15 to 108 Togami siblings). One particular fan theory building on this concept that I like being that the real Shinobu who died was the actual decapitator in the island flashbacks, Borges having switched around the identities of the major players in terms of what they did in presenting a facsimile of the past for her to look back upon. And that while the Ultimate Imposter may very well have been one of the many Togami siblings, it didn’t matter anymore to his present goals with Ultimate Despair, the ‘Kazuya’ Orvin made that way basically to see how his original plan might have gone if he hadn’t met Junko. It was a trilogy that seemed to assume one had played the other games/read the other novels, that its readership would understand what certain things would be referring to, even if not explicitly spelled out.
What would be your thoughts on the trilogy?
Ignore everything below, my mind has completely changed (lol). Read my updated review instead.
If you want a very short description of my opinion of Danganronpa Togami, it's basically this image.
I can't help but think that maybe if i read the Kagami Family Saga novels or if there were just better full translations, maybe i would have liked Danganronpa Togami more. But the truth is, I REALLY don't like Danganronpa Togami. It's honestly one of the worst media experiences I've ever had 😭
My biggest gripe is that i hate that any flaw with its storytelling can be exempt by just saying "well actually it was all fake and you don't know what's real and what isn't" because that just makes it worth nothing, if the bad stuff can be exempt then so can the good stuff. And it is HEAVILY implied that a majority of the novel is fake, the themes rely on it, it's the main point of the novel. And if they were real, that would make it actual dogshit and also just noncanon because it would contradict Danganronpa 3 and Zero.
I genuinely can't tell if I really like the twist or if I really hate it because it makes so much sense in retrospect but getting to that point was an actual pain to read, and the implications of it are also so baffling.
There's so much god awful stuff in this book like Kazuya and Suzuhiko, the weird recurring incest stuff, Byakuya's really bad and flanderized characterization, and all the absurd stuff that happens like Sakura projecting herself or the despair novel but it's all dismissed by the "it was all made up" thing which is so awesome but so stupid at the same time. If that twist was in literally any other novel I might like it but it's handled so poorly that I end up despising it.
Basically, I don't like this novel. And while parts of it matter, for the most part it can be easily dismissed because most of it was canonically made up.
I shouldn't have to read a completely separate book series to enjoy this. There was no need for all of the gross and poorly handled incest and sexual abuse stuff. Byakuya's characterization just makes him insufferable and his entire motive and actions is kind of gross. And to top it all off, NONE of it mattered. It's not like V3 where the events had an effect on the people involved or changed something, the book literally just describes it as another weekend in Byakuya's life and it's all forgotten and most of it didn't even happen. I sat through all of that for none of it to even matter. Basically what it results is self nullifying nonsense that means literally nothing as none of the events happened.
I'm sorry if you like this trilogy, I just can't find many positives. I went in thinking that maybe the hate for it was unfounded, I wanted to like it. I mean, I think Danganronpa 3 is great, I found redeeming qualities in Danganronpa S and Ultra Despair Girls. So if anyone can find something to like in an unpopular piece of Danganronpa media, it would be me. And honestly volume 1 wasn't even that bad, I remember thinking that it was kinda dumb but harmless. But my experience with Danganronpa Togami can best be described as a decent into madness. I have a lot of issues with it, but that's just my opinion.
#danganronpa#dangan ronpa#dr togami#danganronpa togami#danganronpa novels#danganronpa novel#danganronpa book
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2024: The Year In Music by Some Guy
Unlike most outlets, I wait til the year is actually over to discuss what happened, because despite the conventional wisdom that no one drops anything of note in December, you never know when SZA is going to wait until the week before Christmas to release an album. Again. And it's officially the same album the 2nd time, but with an entire new 15-track album bolted onto the front for cynical streaming financials-based reasons. But you know. You can't count out December anymore.
As always, I make a list of my favorite albums, rather than a "best of" list. Best of lists are stupid. There are as many "best of" lists are there are people with ears, and they're all correct. Better to frame it as things I enjoyed the most, I think. More rambling and an actual list below the cut.
2024 was a weird music year for me. It's a year mostly characterized by artists I love releasing records I didn't really connect with. In the past, you'd've heard me raving about the likes of Cassandra Jenkins, Allegra Krieger, Iress, Erik the Architect, Charlotte Day Wilson, Lucy Rose, Touché Amore, Delta Sleep, Middle Kids, Brother Ali, Latto, St. Vincent and so on, but this year... I don't know that any of them made a bad album, but none of them made something I had to listen to over and over.
A lot of the albums that didn't do much for me were huge critical successes, too. Critics raved that Nilufer Yanya had found her groove on 3rd album My Method Actor, which apparently means they've been clamoring for her to make a record where all the songs kind of sound the same, but not me. Nick Cave finally crawled out from under the totally understandable grief from all the loss in his life the last 10 years and produced the worst album of his career, an album so bad I struck it from my memory and forgot to even mention it here on my first draft, released to thunderous applause. English Teacher's debut EP was one of my favorites in 2022, but while I found this year's This Must Be Texas just fine, they've been showered with a truly insane amount of praise and awards for such a new band. Happy for them, tho! I think they're great.
Even Kendrick Lamar, by the time GNX managed to finally come out and make the whole Drake beef feel like an extended marketing campaign, presented his least ambitious project since 2005, fully half of which sounded like inferior versions of "Not Like Us." Is it bad? No. Is it great? Definitely also no, but you wouldn't know that from its rapturous reception. I really hate finding myself agreeing with Pitchfork, but they were basically the only people saying, "Hey, this is actually not so great," and it's true. It's not bad. It's got a couple pretty great songs on it. But it's pretty dumb, and from an artist who's always seemed to put so much thought and care into his work, even when he was young and unknown and had a much smaller budget, that feels tossed off to me. Yelling "mustard" is funny, but GNX had me kind of missing the wildly problematic and overwrought Mr. Morale, even. That album was mostly pretty bad and proudly platformed a serial abuser as its co-star,* but it was very ambitious. GNX is both only ok and not very ambitious, and I think that may be worse. But, I guess, as Andre 3000, he of last year's most overrated, emperor's-new-clothes-ass album, once said, "kinda sour cuz my favorite group ain't comin wit it, but I'm witcha cuz you probably goin thru it, anyway." There's always next time.
*Which sure didn't help Kendrick in the beef once things got personal, in my view, but no one actually cared as long as they saw Drake getting slammed... You can say "Drake is a pedophile" all you want, and he probably is, but Kodak Black is definitely a rapist and a violent lunatic who can't go 2 weeks without getting arrested, and Kendrick apparently loves that guy, so... Some of us have been waiting to hear Kendrick and Drake go at it since 2013, and we got 1 shot from each artist before things devolved into mudslinging based on highly personal accusations both camps would later claim were based on fake information they fed the other side, and it really made things less fun very fast to me. The best rapper vs. the biggest rapper should have been the World Series of beef, and instead it turned into a bunch of bullshit, in the end. Kendrick won, and he was always going to win. I wanted to enjoy the exhibition. End tangent.
On the other hand, Pearl Jam and Opeth released late career shockers better than anything they'd done in ages. Pearl Jam's Dark Matter bests anything they've made in 24 years, at least, and Opeth's The Last Will And Testament is their first real success since 2008, and in both cases, I never expected it, and it was very cool. And to my earlier point, is The Last Will And Testament the best album of 2024? Almost certainly not. Was I so happy to hear a beloved group I'd basically counted out make something great that I was listening to it every day, sometimes more than once? I sure was! And that's how the ranking works. The Cure and Dark Tranquillity released solid additions to their storied catalogs, Heems made a welcome return to rap with not one, but two good records, Moses Sumney was singing in the rain in a video, he brought R&B back!, it certainly wasn't all bad for people I already liked.
As is increasingly common, new and new-to-me artists ranked very high on my list. The Last Dinner Party, Rosie Tucker, Nadine Shah, Charm of Finches, Flyana Boss, RiTchie, Muchi, GloRilla, Upon Stone and Baby Rose all put out really remarkable records, to me, at least. I only checked out Katy Kirby because she was touring with Allegra Krieger, and her Blue Raspberry was my favorite of 2024 for most of the year.
Hip hop was once again the most represented genre in my collection, as it tends to be. Cakes da Killa continued the movement in hip hop to reclaim house music as black music with huge success on one of the most fun albums of the year. JPEGMafia made literally all the most insane beats of 2024, all in one album. As a rapper he's pretty good, but as a beat maker, he is in a class by himself, weird, abrasive, shocking and hilarious. A December entry by the always welcome Smino further proves you shouldn't release your "best of" list in November. I was surprised to enjoy Future & Metro Boomin's ludicrously bloated 2nd hatin'-ass album in 3 months more than the first. When Tyler, The Creator released CALL ME IF YOU GET LOST 3 years ago, I saw a reaction (I think at AV Club?) that went something like "This album is as great as Tyler fans tried to tell you all his previous albums were." Harsh, but fair. Tyler has always been a lot of promise and charisma waiting for a good album, and it finally happened. This year's CHROMAKOPIA is not as good, but it's still very good. A lot was going on.
Big year for Kendrick's former labelmates at TDE. Ab-Soul and Schoolboy Q turned around downswings on Soulburger and Blue Lips, respectively. Doechii's first full-length was worth the wait. SZA's Lana wasn't as good as SOS, but it was still really good. SiR continues to not really do anything for me, but no record label can have a perfect roster.
(I hit the image limit)
What a pleasure for Heems to return to rapping. After the collapse of Das Racist, he seemed to struggle some, though most of his solo projects were excellent, and then he quit. But to hear him back, making great music and sounding like he was having fun doing it twice in one year was really cool.
But the big winner in hip hop for me was Denzel Curry. His King of the Mischievous South, Vol. 2 was as fun as rap got this year. Adding 5 songs and re-releasing it as KING OF THE MISCHIEVOUS SOUTH was weird, but I liked the songs. But also, he was everywhere, stealing songs on records by JPEG Mafia, Your Old Droog, Powers Pleasant, Kid Cudi, Jasiah, Maxo Kream and PlayThatBoiZay. Stellar year for Curry fans.
I don't know what constitutes "rock" music anymore, but for music with guitars that isn't metal or country or folk, there was a lot to like this year. Honeyglaze! Their 2nd full-length, Real Deal, was a pretty dramatic departure from their excellent 2022 debut, but in a good way, taking them down new musical paths and upping the energy. Similarly, Lightning Bug followed 2021's dreamy A Color of the Sky with a much more raucous album on No Paradise, and yet it worked perfectly. Rosie Tucker's UTOPIA NOW! had some of the best commentary on living in this era I've ever heard, bar after bar that made me go "oh shit." But nothing was topping Katy Kirby's Blue Raspberry for me. Delicate, intricate, with themes and lyrics that repeat through the songs, a really rewarding album experience.
Almost every year, it seems like the mainstream music press get together in some room somewhere and decide which metal release to heap praise on while ignoring literally everything else in the genre. Sometimes they at least pick a good one, as when the whole world shouted the praises of Deafheaven's Sunbather in 2013. This year's selection, Blood Incantation's Absolute Elsewhere, is a pretty unremarkable blend of prog noodling and riffs that sound like other bands, and I don't get it. Also, this year, Rolling Stone missed the meeting, choosing Kerry King's widely panned, I Can't Believe It's Not Slayer-sounding "solo debut" as the only metal album on their best of list, seeming even more out of touch than usual.
Sort of a less interesting year in metal, to me, despite a few big hits. Charcoal Grace is Caligula's Horse's best album, and a pretty stunning portrait of a family torn apart by someone getting lost to antivaxxer-type conspiracies, which I don't think a lot of people would expect from a metal album. Similarly, Dark Tranquillity's Endtime Signals is a record essentially about most governments failing their people in 2020, and what better topic than that is there to write angry music about? "Unforgivable betrayal in the hour of our need, no quarter for this treachery, no mercy for the lost." Fuckin' tell em, boys. Upon Stone's pitch perfect impression of the 90s melodic death metal style Dark Tranquillity pioneered continues a revival of that style I am loving. Beyond that, a lot of good albums, but not really great ones. It's the theme of the year.
What is it with BADBADNOTGOOD where their records have gotten less and less interesting, but their joint projects with others have stayed high quality? Their EP with Baby Rose this year was phenomenal, but their own Mid Spiral project was pretty forgettable. The only way you can get what you want out of them is if another artist asks for you.
Nadine Shah's Filthy Underneath initially hit for me as a fun, unpredictable album driven by a wry wit, so finding out it's all about her cracking up and going to a mental institution was kind of shocking. The album cover depicts the story of the song "Greatest Dancer," which sounds like a lot of fun and is about sitting alone in your dark home, crying your eyes out over a TV dance competition because your emotions are out of control. I don't think there's been such a jarring content-to-sound relationship since Elvis Costello's prime material.
I read in some article that the Last Dinner Party was getting hype as "the next Wet Leg" before they dropped Prelude to Ecstasy, and that sounds utterly insane to me, given how different the groups are. Their sort of baroque, ornate, dramatic sound couldn't be much more different from Wet Leg's (excellent) sneering punk sarcasm, but it also really charmed me, and the songs are top notch.
I think Better Lovers' debut EP was better than this year's Highly Irresponsible, honestly, but it's still a supergroup that truly lives up to the name, and they still put out a fun hardcore record. Will Putney continues to bring new flavors to the music of most of the former members of Every Time I Die, and it's easily Greg Puciato's most enjoyable post-Dillinger Escape Plan project. I need to see them live. I don't know if my ancient body would survive the mosh pit, but I'd be in there.
Is A LA SALSA a pretty safe album after the more experimental Mordecai for Khruangbin? I mean, yeah. But if you're into the thing they do, they really do it. I accidentally saw them twice this year, when they added a a make-up show near me after I'd seen them elsewhere, and it was great both times.
Another supergroup that really did it for me was Les Amazons De Afrique, an assemblage of great female singers from around the continent doing music in a variety of sounds. That was one of the most fun albums of the year to me.
That seems like a reasonable segue to mentioning Meklit's long-awaited return with Ethio Blue. It doesn't have the upbeat, celebratory feel of her incredible 2017 When The People Move, The Music Moves Too, but it retains the joy and the soul of that album, and it's just great to hear her again after so long.
So many artists over the years have seemed to follow a delirious, fun, upbeat first album with a downer 2nd one, and so it was with Remi Wolf's Big Ideas. I like it, but the wildness of Juno is replaced with an audible hurt and disaffectedness that just doesn't scratch the same itch.
Asake's 3rd album in 3 years was a real surprise. His previous album was basically just more of the same after his first, but on Lungu Boy, he's trying a bunch of new sounds and styles outside of the amapiano world he's been taking over, and they all work. A crew of international guest stars add still more unique flavors, and you get an album as unpredictable as it is enjoyable.
Charm of Finches was new to me this year, but the sisters' perfect harmonies over intimate, spare music really works. It kept bringing me back as the year rolled on.
What else? Swamp Dogg's Blackgrass was his 4th album in a 4th different genre in 8 years, and that's amazing at 81. I wish Cowboy Carter had been about half as long, it would've been a lot better without all that "for streaming" filler. Becky G's 3-album transition from pop music to traditional Mexican music across the last 3 years, ending with this year's ENCUENTROS, was really something to hear, that album is great. No idea what she'll do next. Seems like every year there's a band trying on the shoegaze thing that works for me, and this year it was From Indian Lakes. Foreign Hands' note-perfect copy of the early 2000s hardcore sound might not be groundbreaking, but I'm a sucker for that shit and I love it. Flyana Boss have a vibe like a cross between Beastie Boys and early Cool Kids, just super fun. I just really enjoyed hearing Latto rhyme "Georgia peach" and "gorgeous beach" this year. Every outlet that talked about Cassandra Jenkins' album mentioned the Clams Casino lyric, and they were right to do so. I wish I'd been more excited about Beth Gibbons' solo debut. I liked it, but I only liked it. I can't believe I listened to two different albums released in 2024 that contained covers of "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaac, but it happened. I could keep rambling indefinitely, probably. I think I'll stop there. Here's the actual list.
Opeth, The Last Will And Testament Katy Kirby, Blue Raspberry The Last Dinner Party, Prelude to Ecstasy Denzel Curry, King of the Mischievous South, Vol. 2 Upon Stone, Dead Mother Moon Baby Rose & BADBADNOTGOOD, Slow Burn EP Nadine Shah, Filthy Underneath JPEG MAFIA, I LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU Honeyglaze, Real Deal Charm of Finches, Marlinchen In The Snow Lightning Bug, No Paradise Asake, Lungu Boy Ab-Soul, Soul Burger Doechii, Alligator Bites Never Heal Better Lovers, Highly Irresponsible Pearl Jam, Dark Matter Schoolboy Q, BLUE LIPS Cakes da Killa, Black Sheep Caligula's Horse, Charcoal Grace Rosie Tucker, Utopia Now Dark Tranquility, Endtime Signals Foreign Hands, What's Left Unsaid Smino, Maybe In Nirvana Moses Sumney, Sophcore From Indian Lakes, Head Void Tyler, The Creator, Khromakopia Heems & Lapgan, LAFANDAR Kendrick Lamar, GNX Remi Wolf, Big Ideas Flyana Boss, This Ain't The Album Les Amazones d'Afrique, Musow Dance Meklit, Ethio Blue EP Swamp Dogg, Blackgrass Khruangbin, A LA SALSA English Teacher, This Could Be Texas Beyonce, Cowboy Carter LOMA, How Will I Live Without A Body? Becky G, ENCUENTROS Nilufer Yanya, My Method Actor Lucy Rose, This Ain't The Way You Go Out Rema, HEIS Kali Uchis, ORQUIDEAS Muchi, YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD Wheel, Charismatic Leaders Oak, Ash & Thorn, Our Grief Is Thus
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i totally get why art that seems "shock for shock-sake" is a turn off for some people. it honestly wasnt until earlier this year, after i remembered some really fucked up shit that happened to me, that i realized why i am so drawn to that kind of thing.
making a work that is shocking to be shocking isnt easy--decent writing, composition, themes, those all still apply. and then, theres the added challenge of writing about topics that are ~controversial~
i think the immediate thing that comes to mind is rape revenge, one of my favorite horror subgenres. one of my favorite rape revenge movies is i spit on your grave, the 2010 remake of the 1978 film. the original is, by todays standards, much more tame. the attack is far less brutal, the murders are less graphic, even the scenery [ connecticut in spring, as opposed to the remakes setting of louisiana in fall ] is much more green and vibrant, and more pleasant to look at in my opinion. i think both of these films have a reputation for being shlock--exploitative, misogynistic, torture-porn. and i dont even think they arent those things [ and the victim being a rich white woman, her attackers impoverished white men. these films are very classist in my opinion ].
rape revenge is a very controversial genre, made even more so by the fact that many of the most well known films are written and directed by men [ i spit on your grave, the original and its remake, same of the last house of the left and its remake, in fact female writers and directors are relatively new to this subgenre ]
if id been asked earlier this year, "what is it about this genre that you find so compelling?" i wouldve struggled to answer. i think the best i couldve come up with is something like, "catharsis." and i do find these films cathartic. they are tense and brutal, and at the end, when the bad guys have died their grotesque deaths, unable to harm anyone anymore, i breathe a sigh of relief. but the truth is, i like that they make people uncomfortable.
to me, these pieces of work existing, even though i havent made any of these works myself, are my own revenge. i want people to watch them, and i do get offended when someone finds them morally wrong. in the evilest parts of my soul i want to force people to watch these devastating, "pointless", "shocking-for-shocks-sake" films and feel even a fraction of what i do. for even a moment, feel as helpless, trapped, terrified, hurt, disoriented, enraged, and humiliated as i do. yes, i want people to be shocked. i want them to be shocked because i want them to feel it. i want their hearts and minds, souls and bodies to be as tainted as mine, even if its just a little bit. i want people to be as traumatized as i am.
i understand this isnt rational. for one thing, i am far from the only rape victim in the world. im not even the only childhood rape victim in the world. im not even the only victim of csam/sex trafficking victim in the world. im not the only person whos family had a "weird uncle", that everyone, even his victims, refused to acknowledge what he was. im not the only victim of sexual harassment and stalking. im just one of perhaps millions, a victim of all of those things. there are perhaps thousands of people with a history nearly identical to mine. but i dont care. i want them to hurt too.
art is supposed to make you feel something. its often said that art is a conversation between you and the artist. how do you feel when the artist wants to abuse you? how do you feel when the artist, knowing nothing of your own history, shows you the ugliest, most rancid, most infected parts of themselves, and they ask you to look?
look at me. look at what i am missing. look at how i am mangled. look at how i am ugly. i am not a palatable victim. i wasnt saved from abuse. the fbi never broke in while i was being photographed or molested and saved me from my fate. the worst happened. and it happened again, and again, and again and no one noticed, and no one saved me. i didnt even save myself. i didnt move away from it all, abandon everyone id ever known, and change my identity like i desperately wanted when i was a teenager. im broke, and i still live within a 1 mile radius of where all the worst things in my life happened to me. i live just 2 blocks away from where i was trafficked and used to make csam. i live just 2 houses down from where i was groomed and repeatedly raped by my best friends dad. im not there anymore, in the sense that years have passed, and i am an adult now. but i still live here, still see his house every day, still see the tree in front of the house where i was nearly drowned to keep me quiet and afraid.
yeah, i want the art i make to shock you. i dont think i have anything else to say.
#csa tw#csam mention tw#honestly dont know what else to tag this so sorry i guess lol. only tagging those things to be courteous i dont usually tag triggers anymor
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I'm in some kind of abusive cycle with the blog where people submit their dreams. I love hearing people's dreams, so I follow it thinking it's going to be interesting, and then I have to unfollow because it feels like 90% of the posts are about celebrities and fandom shit, then I forget about it for a while until a really cool/funny/scary/weird dream gets reblogged onto my dash, then I follow it again out of some kind of moronic optimism, and pretty soon I remember why I unfollowed it the last time. I'm not sure which possibility is the worst,
a) that for the most part people only submit dreams involving celebrities or fandoms because they assume no one cares about anything else,
b) most of the submissions are made up but nobody has the brain power to invent anything that doesn't involve celebrities or fandoms,
c) actually a large volume of young people's dreams really are about celebrities and fandoms, like a lot of tumblr users just don't even dream about anything else.
Now that I've typed it all out I'm pretty sure (c) is the worst of all possible worlds, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were really true for a lot of people just based on the sort of online behavior I see. There's a reason the "blorbo from my stories" post blew up (and I often wonder if that person regrets it), about how you can post the most random non-human image possible and you'll still have people in your notifications explaining how it somehow represents whatever their main fandom thing is; "fandom" doesn't describe an interest or even a community anymore, its more like this condition of extreme narrowing of perception and cognition down to like one subject, and somehow this is something you're proud of. Seeing people reblog the blorbo post not to co-sign what OP was saying, but to say "Yay this is totally me!!!" with no sense that they're being criticized was really disturbing. There's actually an even worse version of this where somebody broke down the most common (generally sexual) characterizations and scenarios in fan fiction specifically to show how much of this content just perpetuates really ugly stereotypes and bigoted attitudes, but the fandom people got it and reblogged it like "Yay this is totally me!!!" while OP was going...oh my god doesn't anyone understand what I said? There's this kind of scary, culty "FANDOM GOOD" thing that's like so pathological that it actually affects people's reading comprehension and makes them unable to even perceive criticism unless you push things to the extreme and bring nazis or pedophiles or something into it, you have to go so far as to tell someone they're a bad person to break through with them.
Anyway I know this isn't a scientific fact but I agree with the popular notion that dreams are a way of processing experiences and feelings that you're not done chewing on yet. For the most part your dreams should be made up of things, however filtered they are through symbolic language, that are somehow unresolved for you. You shouldn't be closing your eyes at night and just seeing a stream of the exact same pacifying stuff you choose to watch on TV. If that's happening more than once in a great while, you might have given yourself some form of brain damage, and I'm only being slightly sarcastic about that.
(Actually I think it's probably abnormal if you have a lot of wish fulfillment dreams in general; I used to have this friend who turned out to be completely toxic and nuts, and he was always happy to tell me these dreams he had where like he's a cross between Batman and Superman and he punishes everyone who was ever mean to him and then everyone worships him and he becomes the king of the universe or whatever. And I always thought oh my god, why isn't he embarrassed by this, if I had dreams like that about myself where I'm the best person ever and everyone else is either my victim or my slave, I don't think I would repeat it to anyone! But ANYWAY)
I've probably written this post before without even realizing it, which means I have my own problem where I need to disconnect from this thought process. Tumblr used to be a place where you could see weird, cool, interesting stuff that didn't really exist elsewhere, and it was reasonably easy to curate your experience; now the fandom thing is just at such a critical mass that it feels like you're always about one degree of separation from it no matter what you do. When capacity made that post the other day about how you can't even search for any media you're interested in on tumblr because all you get is the fan activity around the thing and not the thing itself (or god forbid your search involves a normal English word that happens to relate to a fandom, then you're really fucked)--when I first saw that post it had almost 8,000 notes and it was only 7 hours old. Whether you're someone who likes it or not, everyone knew what that was about, we are all experiencing it.
I would probably be slightly less bothered if I just let myself think that all the celebrity and fandom posts clogging up that dream blog are mainly just made up, due to whatever compulsion makes people make up inconsequential bullshit on the internet. I remember when FML was a thing, and at first it was kind of fun and kind of like this shared catharsis thing, but pretty quickly it became full of obviously fake stories that were so extreme they weren't even funny, like if someone said those things out loud in your presence you'd just feel sorry for them, that they want attention so bad they'll tell degrading lies about themselves to get it. Actually though the site started to degenerate into basically two kinds of content, which were not necessarily mutually exclusive, but it was always either people telling degrading lies about themselves for attention, or people telling elaborate stories about how they ate all kinds of poisonous garbage and then they shat themselves in public. And for one thing, I don't think it counts as a proper FML if you deliberately did something that was not a good idea and then immediately suffered the most predictable consequences, you know like eating hot cheetoes in gravy and washing it down with a liter of grape soda and then shitting your pants is kinda the same as "I knowingly stepped in front of a speeding car and it hit me and I was badly injured and now I'm in the hospital, fuck my life!", it's not really a surprising misfortune or irony, it's just something you did on purpose because you have no self-control even though only one outcome was possible. But I always had the feeling that the pants-shitters were American, and like obviously America has a problem with junk food, so I started to wonder if everywhere you go here you're just always near at least one person who is one more bad decision away from shitting their pants. Maybe it's true, I dunno, it's starting to seem likely. Maybe we should just change the name of the country to Pantshitsylvania and get it over with, it's probably what we deserve.
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*looks at your username then at aalto* yk.... I feel like I should have realized the fact foxes are your favorite animals lmao 😭
Anyways... Scar my beloved. As weird of a guy he is, probably the best emotional support you will get lmao💀
(Scar definitely gets cuteness aggression often. Like if you own a pet, yk the moment when you just wanna shake them and squish them but in like an affectionate way? Yeah, Scar would do that to you)
Mortefi not caring is king behavior. Now I thought of something silly. Reader could turn like into a whole monster and mortefi would just be chill with it like it's an everyday happening. (I believe mortefi has the worst sweet tooth btw, yes this one was random)
The Aalto one made me chuckle lmao. He's such a loser I love him. Ofc he thought reader is edgy, he has thinkin from experience. You cannot tell me Aalto didn't have some very extravagant phase while growing up. (Also I'm betting and ice cream he's scared of bugs)
Now to ramble on, just because this days I feel like talking too much 💀
Do you draw? Do you maybe have an art work you would like to share with the class about your oc?
Or maybe anything ya could tell about them?
I'm just a curious fellow who loves oc talk 😔
I would show mine if I wasn't a coward anon and also if it wouldn't be a bother lmao 💀
LISTEN I'M ONLY A LITTLE BIT PREDICTABLE OKAY!! (my other fav is Calcharo btw. I'm just. a dogboy guy, I guess. help)
RIGHT?! Scar is borderline fetishistic about it but he's really just like. genuinely hyped. He would loooooooooveeeeee his partner's scars, its probably his favourite thing on a partner. no matter how major or minor. Dude is THERE for it.
AND I AGREE? omg the cuteness aggression.
Scar couldn't help it, taking your cheeks in his clawed gloved hands. Mismatched eyes stared into yours before scrunching up slightly, grin wide and obvious.
"You're just soo cute~ Just.." He leaned forward, gently nipping the tip of your nose. "Edible! Biteable, even." The Overseer giggled in a tone you could not place except for possibly, crazed.
The way your nose scrunched up didn't stop him from squishing your cheeks with his hands, cooing at you when you did your best to puff them. Scar couldn't help but start grazing his sharp teeth all over your skin.
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MORTEFI MY BELOVED HE'S SO FUNNY TO ME
Mortefi entered the room, rubbing his jaw as the familiar sensation of a lack of sweets affected him. It wasn't real, he knew that! But it didn't stop the feeling of strain in his mouth.
Your name fell from his lips, "do you know if we have any more chocolate bars?" But the doctor paused, surveying the less than human form in front of him. He blinked once, then sighed.
"That isn't very helpful in my search.." The man turned around, making a beeline for the kitchen. He would find his chocolate bars, and he would deal with what was clearly his lover in some monstrous form later.
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Aalto is just Some Guy of all time to me. Like I know he's sneaky, and he's definitely got intimacy and commitment issues, and not to mention his upbringing was likely abusive given from what we know of his voicelines about his father. But he's just A DUDE. He has no reason to believe theres another reason so, yeah! You're just edgy. Until you aren't.
I really think Aalto in his teenager years had a private detective phase. Noir clothes and all. It's what led him to the path he's chosen<3 in my heart. Oh and his dad died and trying to find an identity was really hard for him.
Aalto's scream could be heard throughout the base you and your fellow Black Shores members had taken up in. You ran into the room, hitting the door as you slid in, weapon at the ready. But you lowered it when you saw the man.
Aalto was only in a towel, grey hair loose and fluffy around his face. But notably, he was standing on the closed toilet, fear visible on his face. You looked around, trying to find what he was screaming about. Your eyes landed on a spider beside the running shower head.
"I went in and it just appeared!! Babe, kill it!" You sighed, setting your weapon on the counter. You looked around, grabbing some toilet paper and rolling it up. You then leaned up from the bathroom floor, crushing the poor spider.
"I got it, wuss."
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No I don't draw I've just written a bunch about him :broken_heart: but I'm on a waitlist for one of my favourite artists so mid August I should have art of him that I can share! To nobody's surprise, he is a foxboy.
As for information about him, his name is Esen! He's a Black Shores member, and an Aero Resonator. I really really loved the idea of there being animals with resonance abilities, and even before the current story I was toying with "what if there was second awakenings? why not right?" (looks into camera)
Anyways Esen is a vulpecula(made up in my brain), a vulpes adjacent creature. But he was taken from his home at a young age and ultimately experimented on for the purpose of testing on animals with resonance abilities. This caused a second awakening that forced him into a human form.
He doesn't have much memory of when he was a vulpecula, he just remembers the lab for the most part. I have like a fuck ton of lore written out, voicelines, forte report, ect.
but tldr: He's a funky funny lil hacker guy who upon escaping containment got caught up in a lot of shady shit as a "consultant" for criminals. He caught the eye of the Black Shores, they captured him for an interrogation. Then he stole all their data and tried to escape the island.
It did not succeed, but he was offered a job!
I LOVE LOVE ocs, I'm always happy to talk about mine, or yours, or anyones. So pleaaase tell me about yours I'm so curious!!
#༻Stygian#i have an oc blog for my ocs because i talk too much about them :relieved_emoji:#anon i miss u
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A little thought, since I mentioned the DeviantArt thing on my Tumblr anniversary post a couple of days back (but not the point I want to eventually make a larger post on -I'm still figuring out how to articulate that).
So, on this day in 2017 (seven years ago), I was on my first day, post-throwing my first DeviantArt account into official hiatus on the night of February 6th as a last-ditch effort to break free from a character-based roleplay friendship/partnership that became toxic, controlling, and emotionally abusive. I woke up on this day in 2017 from the weirdest, symbolic dream. It was the most vivid scene of walking around my old high school building, in which the whole thing was empty, save for a few broken fixtures left behind. Symbolic of this empty space in my life after throwing this thing out. At some point, I ran out of the building, and there was something that happened to me, which, for the sake of those who might be triggered by it, I won't describe -but it was suggestive of getting rid of something unhealthy in my life. And then, despite the disturbing images in the dream, it ended with me looking to the sky, and between the grey clouds, the sun was still shining. Despite how screwed up everything was.
There are a lot of nuances to my particular experience that left a lot of grey area, and obviously, feelings don't disappear overnight, so there were a few weeks of grieving -the worst of which hit a few days on later. I don't remember much about this day in 2017, aside from that it was a bright, sunny day that just felt so weird in my state of shock.
With this past fall, finally reaching the point of peace where I can look back on this time and not blame myself in some way for it, and not feel any regrets about it... I've realized life has come full circle in a lot of ways to what I was dealing with then. In 2017, I was in my first year of college, watching my grandfather go down with heart failure from miles away from home (he lost his battle one week after I got home from the end of Spring semester). Here in 2024, I'm finally in my first year of veterinary school, back in the same town, I've got three family members in hospice, and I don't know if my grandmother's dementia battle is going to hit its end before or after I get home from this semester. I’m watching another online community I was once a big part of slowly melt down -perhaps one I became far closer to than the one I’d been in on DeviantArt. Maybe that hasn’t been with as much nasty, divisive drama -albeit there has been some nasty gossip at school the last couple of weeks that hasn’t been the easiest to hear. Not much in life has changed at all, really, for that many year's difference. It's not easy, still, but it is easier to deal with. Not because anything has changed, as I once thought based on how some people have described. It's just easier to accept and put into perspective, and maybe not necessarily stop caring entirely, as the cynical viewpoint would say, but better knowing how to limit how much I do care when it's not worth the stress -or just something that’s out of my control.
And as I was walking outside in the waiting period between lecture and lab earlier this afternoon, I noticed it was one of those bright, clear days -just like that really odd day in 2017. And it reminded me of the one coherent thought I could tell myself back then.
“I'm still here, and the sun is still shining.”
And I still am here, and the sun is still shining, and while it seemed like the bare minimum first step at the time, I don’t think there was ever anything as beautiful as the sun in the sky today, finally reaching the other end of the journey.
#pardon my insanity#long post#a little bit behind why I joined Tumblr…#and why I abandoned DeviantArt just days afterward#toxic roleplayers#<kind of (if you count some thoughts on the recovery process)#it took from February 2017 to September of 2023 to fully come to terms with#it really does get better#not in the way it might seem like in promises#but it does get better y’all#and I hope everyone who’s gone through anything like I did knows that even though it can take a LONG time -it will#and it is the most freeing feeling there is#NW speaks
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Not sure if it's okay to send you this ask but I actually feel the same way you do about the end of vol 3 and I've been feeling pretty alone about it. I haven't said much because I don't want to seem like I'm being mean about the movie. I think my issue is the team hasn't spent years and years together. Most of them were snapped for 5 years. When they came back Gamora was dead and then Peter was clearly left suffering and dealing with the trauma for a while. I can live with the idea of "we've all grown to need time apart and want to do our own things" but I don't think the build up and execution was there. Not just for those on the team but also 2014 Gamora who was literally just coming back to the story and finally getting to see who these people were and what her life was once about. Then it's over and it doesn't feel like enough of a resolution. I also don't love how Gamora was treated which is a whole other topic but I disliked how it seems like there hasn't been any issue with her death for anyone but Peter. There doesn't even seem to be any memories of her lingering with the team. I have so many thoughts around this that I'll be thinking about it for a while but man, she was murdered by her abuser and most of her family are victims of abuse and I dont think the aftermath has been handled very well at all. Mostly I think there needed to be another movie In between Endgame and vol 3 to hash out what happened in Infinity War/Endgame and to progress some of the characters more and build up to the more Rocket focused ending where they all part ways. Or vol 3 needed to not be quite as focused on Rocket. Not saying he shouldn't have the most focus, just scale it back a little because other things desperately needed attention.
Oh it's absolutely fine to send an ask about this!!! I'm always up for a discussion, and honestly, it makes me feel better that I'm not the only person not completely happy with the ending, solidarity my friend.
I want to preface this all with I DON'T hate the film, and I thought it was way better on a 2nd viewing, but I really don't think it's a crime to criticize it because nothing is perfect (Vol. 1 + 2 aren't either) But Vol. 3 really has some deeply ingrained issues that should've been dealt with, or at the very least acknowledged, because as it is they really stand out, especially on a second viewing or if you've marathoned all the films together, and they literally drag the film down.
Gunn said on Twitter in response to something that he wanted Vol. 3 to be able to stand on its own without the viewer needing to have seen the other films (and by extension IW+EG) but that is so unhinged when it's literally titled as the third in the series at this point lol. Like it's extremely weird to have let IW+EG affect the Guardians as much as they did and then not even try and deal with the aftermath of it all in the last film featuring (almost) everyone together... ???
He's made it clear Rocket is his favorite and that he only came back to do Vol. 3 because he wanted to finish his story, I don't doubt that's true even if I think having a single character be more important than the others is the wrong choice and leaves the whole story as a trilogy a bit lopsided. But even so, if that's the case then it's crazy to not even have Rocket's thoughts on all of these things that've happened in the last decade as if it wouldn't be traumatic to lose your loved ones for years, and how hard it would be to readjust to life after it all. I kind of can't see him letting everyone leave so easily at the very end, especially after he almost died, so I'm just left feeling confused at the choice at best and vaguely unsatisfied at worst.
Maybe Gunn didn't have as much control over their appearances in IW+EG as he says he did. Maybe they really did completely derail the road to Vol. 3 and he just won't admit it, but the film as it is doesn't help in any way by pretending nothing there happened at all. I don't see any logical reason for the audience to just go along with "For some reason Gamora left, she might've died but also maybe not, who knows. Peter is sad and the rest of the team want to move onto something else. " and then the only hint at that last part is... Mantis telling Peter to go see his grandpa, so that leads to everyone else having a change in goals too, huh. I know it's not meant to be forever, and we're to assume everyone keeps in contact with each other, but the ending really makes it feel like no, we'll never all be together again, so bah.
And concerning Gamora, I agree with what you've said. I could write an entire book with my issues of her overall treatment in the narrative and the implications of her character from the comics getting adapted like this, but I'll spare you the speech and just say the TLDR is everything starting from IW onwards concerning her (the specific framing around her murder and then time travel bringing in 2014-Gamora, and the complete lack of acknowledgement about either version of her from the rest of the team) never should've happened. It's all such a mind-boggling choice, I can't get over how much of an afterthought Gunn made her at the very last minute.
It's funny you mention the need for another film to deal with the emotional fallout of everything post-Vol. 2, because absolutely, but they kind of had the chance??? I realize the Holiday Special isn't film length and is meant to be the calm before the storm of everything that's to come, but in a post-Vol. 3 world I can't stop thinking about how it was SUCH a missed opportunity to not have that be the sobering moment for the characters to talk about everything that happened in the years everyone was snapped. It could've even been the perfect time to plant the metaphorical plot seeds of everyone wanting to go and do their own things after what happened because they just can't make life feel the exact same as it was before, and understanding things can never be the same after something like that.
Even the last lines of the song used in the Holiday Special feels more appropriate for the Guardians as a family struggling to keep it all together (and trying to deal with the sudden loss of Gamora) than it relates to Peter and Yondu, in my opinion.
I would have preferred a more out-there story in general, something to give everyone equal stakes in the plot, but I do think Vol. 3 could have stayed overall the same if any of this was addressed or even mentioned in one or two lines of dialogue somewhere. Because as it is, it really feels like we missed something important between it all, but we didn't from what we we've been shown. I don't think it would have killed Gunn to include a quick moment where someone just says to Peter "I miss her too and I get everything's been way harder lately, but you can't let it grind your life to a complete halt like this." or something!! ANYTHING!!!
And if we absolutely had to stick with the time displaced Gamora plot... When she was snooping around on the Bowie by herself i dont get why she didn't get to see some old photos or something of the team during happier times (including 2018-Gamora specifically) and realizing that they really are going so far to save Rocket because they genuinely love him, and once upon a time they loved her too. 2014-Gamora getting to see the life she very nearly COULD have had within mere hours in her own timeline (without the threat of Thanos ever taking that away, mind you) but having to come to terms with the life she's made with the Ravagers in the present day. That would've been a more appropriate arc for her, I think, then her presence in the story wouldn't have had to only center around what Peter lost and nothing else and we'd at least get the idea that the others still had her on their minds even if they outwardly "moved on."
But also? Another missed opportunity to not have a moment when 2014-Gamora is in a battle with the other Ravager leaders mirroring the hallway scene with the Guardians that could have been when Peter (and the audience) "get" who she's currently more comfortable with in a basic sense, but... you know... it is what it is or whatever.
#guardians of the galaxy spoilers#vol 3 spoilers#gotg spoilers#lex thoughts#gotg thoughts#universe: mcu#ask tag#anon#i hope my ramblings make sense I've tried to coherently put my thoughts on the movie together for a while now#i wouldn't say im fully over it and i dont think i ever will be but im coming to terms with it or whatever#from how i speak about it youd think id hate the film I DONT!!! It's got really good things in it but i just cannot overlook the things-#-that bother me about it. genuinely i find the stuff with gamora straight up upsetting in a way that's hard to put into words#and i had expected better for her at the end but. you know.#i just care about the whole team in general 😔 i would like to say it was perfect like most everyone else but i cant#and i understand we have the benefit of having had all this time to expect more from vol 3 and gunn did not when writing it#but idk the only thing that feels like gunn had set in stone from the start is everything with rocket up to right before the team breaks up#if you asked me in 2017 that this is where it was going i also wouldve said what???#vol 3 wants to so badly be “let's meet in the year 2000 won't it be strange when we're all fully grown” but it's more-#-like a friend (by pulp) :'/
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