#plural vent

[observatory-12]

there's something weirdly isolating about being factive heavy while in system spaces, especially online. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, even though i shouldn't be. i feel like i'm more likely to be fakeclaimed than my fiction-sourced headmates, or that i have to hide the fact i'm a factive at all, or if i'm somehow "misrepresenting" or "slandering" my source because i'm a persecutor.

i don't necessarily feel safe in fictionkin or alterhuman spaces either, since so many of them are aggressively anti-factkin and i'm one step to the left of that. half of my entire system is one step to the left of that.

i dunno. i just feel alone.

[ribombee-lapidarym]

Can't think too hard about our own plurality or we might have a mental breakdown

Like, who are we at any point? We blend so much and so easily it's not even just our default state, we're never anything else

Does who we were still exist? Did they ever? Who am I? Am "I" one of these facets? Am I a shell? Am I the remnant of who we used to be, the original, or just another headmate?

[eye-of-norga]

Yep. Have fun with this.

If anyone would like art similar to this for themselves, we take requests. Different alters have different artstyles👍

Anon Alter (he/it)

[syllvarin]

The pain in-system relationships bring

I have a lover inside. I have an in-system relationship and I love my boyfriend to the death. There are pros and cons to every relationship type, let it be up-close far distance or in-system, I don't think it is fair to compare them but our mind still does. And it still hurts. I used to think I overcame that, but due to a recent turn of events I realized how much we don't get to have. Every single day I am reminded of just the sheer amount of how much we can't have.

When I am on the bus and I see a couple holding hands, whispering things to each other, giggling together... People asking them, them just being at places together, holding hands, people acknowledging their relatitonship. Them going on dates, or just living in their life as usual, doing chores and playing games competitively, or just casual bantering, showering together.

Or the concept of sex itself. One can argue you can do all or some those with your in-sys partner too, but, it is not the same way. It is not to the same extent. It does not feel the same, It feels less to me. I know it shouldn't, maybe, but we cannot control our feelings. It is different, it is valid, yes, and I tear up as I speak but I cannot for the life of me get this painful throbbing heart to stop thinking every moment of "what if my boyfriend had an external body".

I grieve, I am yet to finish grieving. We are on our 2nd year of dating and I am still grieving with stops and breaks in-between. How long will this grief last?

I think to myself, and my boyfriend too, he says to me; yes, we will never be able to physically hold each other. Yes, we will never have sex like other people, ours may just stay as an imitation and imposition of sorts and that's it. Yes, that may not be enough for our bodily needs and that is something we can resolve with other things. The important thing is we will resolve. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to wish for the impossible. But time will heal it.

It has to heal it.

We can focus on what we do have. An endless possibility of dates to be scheduled, our real bodies (not the human ones!) being inside and being able to interact with each other. Always having each other close, so up close that you can even read other's mind sometimes. Arguments almost never being a thing because you know how they feel the way they breathe the way they talk. Loving yourself means loving him, too.

I think to myself, this heart I have beats for people more than one. It beats the same time for both me and him. It beats, beats, beats, until we die. Until we both draw our last breath. When we live we will always be together and live together, when we die we will die together.

Thinking of what could've been possible if I had him physically is a tunnel with no light at the end of it. The only light that is possible is the light of death.

Maybe, just maybe after all those, there is an afterlife where we get to have our own seperate bodies and live our love to the fullest. I never believe in spirituality, but I wish to be proven wrong so badly on this. I hope some deity hears my plea and gives me just one chance, one singular chance to hug my beloved and inhale his scent all the way.

Maybe we love hard enough in this life, it can exceed physical realm's chains and feel each other more than anyone else.

I stay in this relationship because our love exceeds the enormous amount of pain it brings. And I don't regret any moment of that.

[botanical-garden-system]

No one talks about the grief you feel when there’s nothing wrong. The grief you feel when you are in one of the most comfortable places you could be. I know I am safe.

I have wonderful friends, a wonderful mother, a wonderful partner, and a safe place to stay home. I have three beautiful cats who fill me with laughter and joy, I have a life ahead of me, but all I feel is grief. Because it wasn’t always like this.

The ways in which my life had to get here hurt me dearly. I cant help but spend time wishing I wasn’t here. Maybe I could have came here without so much grief, pain, loss. Maybe I could have had a better life and still had this outcome.

I will never know. All I know is that nothing is currently wrong, but something is wrong inside of me. And I don’t know how I can heal something like it anymore.

[the-100-percent]

Guess what (not out yet) endo system had to hold back tears when their mom was talking about how endos aren't real! 🤫🧏🎉🥰

Oh oh! And guess what? She kept bringing up "Alastor" as a sign they are faking being a system! And guess who was co-fronting with me when this was happening? 🥳🥳

-🏳️‍🌈

[echuschasma]

A picture paints a thousand words.

I see the anti-endo raids on our plural spaces and I am realising now more than ever that they cherry-pick which of those words they read. They choose to see our happiness, claim it as an appropriation or glamorisation of their experiences. They choose to believe we're claiming identities we do not have, that we are belittling their lives and their trauma.

And what they refuse to see is that we are more than their (wrong) assumptions. They refuse to acknowledge the fact we too can have trauma, or we struggle to exist as a plural being. These people claiming you appropriate their existence do NOT know your past, your trauma, your struggles. Their words are a one-sided, bigotry-veiled attack on us because they do not know what it means to be like us. They find us threatening, and cannot deal with the fact we exist, so they try to bully us out of our spaces.

I grow tired of blocking them. Of reporting the death threats and misinformation. We, as plurals, should not have to stand as victims to their blind eyes. We should not have to be abused by those who cannot see the full picture and the words it paints.

To all who have been distressed, targeted or in other ways made uncomfortable and unsafe from these recent attacks on our space: We stand with you. We are here, and we will uplift your voices as well as we can. And to all those reading this who have made us feel those ways: We are disgusted by you. Of all the things you could choose to do, you attack people with a rhetoric easily dismantled if you could just open your eyes.

[venting-system]

Venting System is a Tumblr blog for systems and other plurals to vent.

This blog is Endo & Willogenic friendly, there is a previously existing blog that is not, if you would prefer to vent there.

I will not respond to your vent unless you leave a clarifier saying you want it. You can ask for support or genuine advice. The community is also encouraged to give support or advice when asked if it is possible for them

Please give trigger and content warnings for me to tag

Please refrain from making any xenophobic vents, as they will be deleted

I hope this blog can be of help to someone

Repost this if you can to help spread it to those who need it.

[bytetheglitch]

*scream in "how do you find friends"*

I feel so alone hhhh

I know I've only been posting sorta depressing things since I joined. I don't plan on letting this become only a venting page.

I just don't like fronting and now I'm front stuck and ugggggh. I don't have anyone who is like me. I want friends I can relate to but everyone's adults or the only minor headmates in friend systems all seem to be much younger than me and uh ... hhh.

I want to find friends who are 18+ bodies but are a teen alter. Maybe that'll be less lonely? Idk.

[sweetheart-peaches]

Recovering from total dormancy is rough af

By the time my headmates started coming back I had basically convinced myself they were just hallucinations from my psychosis so now I'm still struggling to believe that they aren't just hallucinations

Doesn't help that communication is absolute trash compared to before the dormancy

Two of my headmates used to switch out multiple times a day and now one of them is back in dormancy after coming out of it for a short time and the other one keeps disappearing for weeks at a time

Three of them have yet to come out of dormancy at all

Then there is Z and it is around but it keeps to itself most times and whenever he is near the front he rarely ever talks (Which is normal for them, they've started talking to me more the past several weeks but it's still pretty inconsistent)

They seem to be the only one who can come and go from the front and headspace whenever they want

I'm frontstuck (which is normal for me) and haven't entered headspace in probably around two years now and the only other headmate who is out of dormancy says that he keeps getting locked in headspace which I guess is part of why he disappears for weeks at a time

There is also the constant fear that they're gonna disappear again and that I'm gonna be alone, I went through one hell of a time the first time everyone went dormant and I don't know if I could handle it again

[arrayoflightarchives]

In the nicest way possible, what is the point of being a system if this is a triggering situation for me and there's no one to deal with it but me

Like pls

There is what 26 of you fuckers that could deal with this but no I have to

/lh

[tearosecafe]

i hate my existence in this system. the only thing i do is make us feel completely isolated and alone. i hate that i exist solely to bring about melancholy. i hate that i am like this.

-🌫️

[tearfuleye]

it hurts. it hurts. i just want to be me. i feel sick with envy. i just want to be someone ive watched fragments and less formed parts just fade away and they didnt deserve it. i am like their gravekeeper. i want to memorialize them too. i feel agony. ill be gone sometime too

we hope you form more and feel better .

remember to take breaks ,

even if you feel you don’t need to .

[catz-brainz1234]

Does anyone else's fronting feel like you're still completely conscious and is pretty much still in control of the body

But

You don't feel right, your reflection isn't you, your voice isn't yours, this family isn't yours, you can feel someone near you but you're not sure who, and something just feels off

[ciezi]

The only thing I want in life is to be called by my name. To be seen as me and not someone else. To have my own body, my own life, my own dreams, my own goals, my own individuality. To live my life where I can be my own person. Where I can be me.

[botanical-garden-system]

There’s something so scary about trusting a new relationship, especially when you have so much trauma of past ones. I know at some point in all of my relationships I felt this happiness before, and I know it has existed in me before. I never knew this til I found out I was a system and I had an issue with compartmentalizing my pieces to escape the past. It definitely comes up to bite you, too, without even realizing.

Discovering this.. complicated feature has actually changed a lot of stuff for me, and I find myself not holding back info anymore. I have noticed the memory gaps aren’t AS bad, and it is more just slightly greyed to emotional amnesia rather than black out. Pieces share information and watch for patterns the others wouldn’t know, every part of you is now playing a part after so many rough relationships.

But that’s not what I want to focus on. I want to talk about how scary it is to trust again. To get rid of my analyticals for once, to just put my multitude of walls down. I want to go all in again. I want to put my love into it because I know when I do, it will be rewarding. But Im so afraid I’ll find myself left again, and the only way I could cope with the loss is to create it myself. I feel so unworthy of love, unworthy of this happiness, and unworthy of the relationship.

I want that adorable instagram post that says “I couldn’t live without you, you are my home” to feel safe again. I want the comment “I’m gonna marry you one day” to feel like a real commitment and promise. I don’t want to live in the misery that was my previous treatment.