#people with mental illnesses sometimes struggle to do “basic things″ and that’s okay

[honeypleasejustkillme]

some things my mental illnesses prevent me from doing sometimes:

• picking up the phone

• leaving the house

• eating healthy

• exercising

• laughing

• getting dressed

• getting a shower

• being alone

sometimes just doing one of these a day is a victory for me, reblog if you relate, and if you do- i’m proud of you for what you did do today <3

[most-datable-datable-bracket]

ROUND 5 MATCH 3

Elliott propaganda:

“Just look at him. Pure hunk energy.”

“I will punch anyone who dislikes him. He’s like a fire emblem character in the modern day. He’s so flamboyant and handsome, he can play the piano and he’s best friends with the old fishing man!”

“dramatic writer man with sexy hair”

"Since I like elliott. I will state some reasons why I like him

Imagine if Mr. Darcy didn’t insult your family first time you met him, that’s Elliott. The man who’s basically the hallmark romance love interest. He’s a writer who moves to the small town in the country side to find inspiration for his writing. Then he finds the farmer.

He has a crab living in his pocket

He can play the piano (hopefully it isn’t the river flows in you however)

His fans sometimes hc him as a merman and that’s just a major plus IMO

He genre of the book he writes is dependent on what genre you say you like.

He also sends letters to you if you marry him

Okay and also some things I dislike

His liked gifts, the easiest one is pomegranates, which cost like 6000g to grow a tree if you don’t pick the fruit cave. I AM NOT GETTING SQUID INK IN YEAR ONE FOR YOU.

he might be British /j

The fact he has no kitchen but still likes food like lobster, like he is just a mystery. Lives in a cabin, with no kitchen, no washroom (okay no character has a washroom), but still likes the most fancy food out there and has luscious hair worthy of a L’Oréal ad.

Gifting him on rainy days when you don’t have two hearts"

Dimitri propaganda:

“He's chivalrous, he's blood thirsty, all rolled up into one package and calling you "his beloved". Get you a man who can do both.”

“My husband <3 He's schizophrenic just like me and I love him for that.”

"First, look at him. No disrespect to the monster lovers, but even if blonde, blue-eyed hunks aren't your thing, you can't deny that Dimitri is very pretty.

Second, one of the things I love most about Dimitri is how self aware he is of his privilege as a prince (or king) and how seriously he treats the gravity of his position. He has a strong sense of duty and wants to be a good leader who listens to and provides for the needs of all of his people. This includes the citizens of Duscur, who were nearly wiped out by his own countrymen in (mistaken) retaliation for his father's murder. His commitment to righting this wrong is one of his primary goals in life.

Third, while he is more than capable of crushing a man's skull with his bare hands, under normal circumstances he absolutely wouldn't. A large part of the reason why his fall is so shocking and devastating to witness is because by the time he snaps, we know that Dimitri is actually a kind and gentle soul who hates violence and understands that even his enemies are human. Even at his worst point he still recognizes this, which feeds into his extreme self loathing. He extends compassion and forgiveness to others but struggles mightily to allow himself any forbearance for his own mistakes. He's kind quite literally to a fault, as his empathy is both his greatest strength AND his biggest flaw and I find that as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking."

"Okay first for all the "he needs therapy haha funny" (and its annoying corollary "I can fix him") comments, 1) don't we all? And 2) you can't romance him til end game when he is in a much healthier place due to his own choice to change his priorities and the support of you and his friends. He battles daily with severe mental illness in a repressed society that doesn't talk about it. And on multiple occasions tells people that it is okay to feel your feelings and offers support despite his own struggles (I include that bc that is a date able trait to me). If he's not your fave that's cool, but leave the ableist language out of it pretty please 💙💙 Okay reasons he should be your boyfriend now!!

He calls you his beloved and wants to hold your hand 🥺

His happiest moments in game are when you smile

And in conclusion, he is shaped like a dorito and has a huge cloak to snuggle you up in"

[ghostsandfools]

Gemini is so neurodivergent I don't know how nobody's talking about it.

OKAY, strap in, this one's gonna be long, and it's gonna be ranty, and I'm going to do it anyways.

Gemini is probably my favorite character... EVER. They are so perfect, I love them so much, I will die on this hill. They are the one constant for me. In this crazy, overly controversial fandom, in this crazy, overly controversial world, we all have one thing we can count on: Gemini. AND THEY GET SO LITTLE SCREENTIME! But that's not why I'm here.

So, almost everyone in TSBS has signs of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. This is not new. But I really wanna get into it with Gemini because I feel like nobody cares enough about them!

So, I'm going to split this up into parts. One for Pollux, one for Castor, and one for Gemini. Just to make it easier. LET'S GO!

Pollux:

So, Pollux. The first signs start to show with her when she was first introduced. She's hyper, she's unfocused, she's friendly, she's all over the place. These are very stereotypical, very basic signs of ADHD. HOWEVER, I actually DON'T think she has ADHD. I think she's just hyper sometimes. ADHD is much more that just being a little off the walls, it's a genuine disability that makes it difficult to focus or remember things, and I feel like if you dig deeper, that's not what's going on with her.

I do think that she's neurodivergent, however, in some capacity. Probably autism. I think her and Castor both have autism actually, but I'll get in to him later.

First of all, hyperactivity can also be a sign of autism. And while, when she first comes to Earth it seems as though she can't focus on any specific thing, I think that's because she's focused on Earth as a whole, explaining her interest in anything on Earth. I think learning about and exploring Earth might be one of her special interests, or maybe just exploring planets in general.

Now, the next point might just be due to technical issues, but maybe not. Pollux and Castor both have pretty blank faces, and don't have very many emotes. It may have just been a problem with their 3d modelling, so not the strongest point, but neurodivergent people and people on the spectrum often have difficulty with facial expressions, something I've also struggled with.

Pollux definitely has less neurodivergent coding than Castor does, but I think it's still there.

Castor:

Castor. I don't even know where to start with him.

When Castor was first introduced, he was very unexpressive and monotone, already a symptom of neurodivergency.

He also struggles socially, more so than Pollux. While Pollux was over-bearing, she had no trouble making friends once the chance arose. Castor, on the other hand, was perceived by most of the main cast as "creepy" or "rude", which hits closer to home than I want to admit.

But, over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that he only wants what's best. He doesn't intend to be terse, or rude, or weird, he's just never interacted with anyone that wasn't a star before.

Pollux seemed to adjust well to the environment on Earth once she learned more about the people there, but it seems Castor struggled a lot more with adapting in a new environment.

Castor is also a very private person. He has hobbies and emotions and thoughts, but he keeps them all to himself. Of course, after a while of spending time with Lunar, he starts to speak his mind more, which eventually led up to the last episode we saw him in where he yelled at Lunar for killing Eclipse. Still, I find it interesting that it took an extreme situation like that for him to finally speak his mind.

Gemini:

Gemini <3

Pollux and Castor work extraordinarily well together. They are THE siblings of all time, I love them.

I'm going to delve into headcanons for a minute here, but I feel like the other astrals don't like them very much. We never hear Gemini really talk about the other astrals, aside from basic details.

I feel like, after living with people for your entire life, your SIBLINGS, and those being the ONLY people you interacted with, you'd have some fond memories of them.

But they don't. And even now, there's tension between Gemini and the rest of the astrals. They clearly stand out. The other astrals seem to not take them seriously, and don't exactly listen to them. I feel like, from that recent scene from Taurus, maybe the other astrals, at least some of them, actively DISLIKE Gemini.

This may be why they're so unused to socially interacting on Earth. They probably spent very little time with their siblings, especially considering Nebula's existence. Maybe their siblings didn't visit them at all. That thought makes me sad.

Feeling outcasted is commonplace for neurodivergent people, as well as being perceived wrong.

Closing thoughts: Okay, I might be projecting here. I'm not sure. As someone who is neurodivergent, I identify with Gemini harder than any other fictional character. They're so special. I don't know if I'm picking up on subtext that isn't there, but if you have any thoughts, please share. I wanna know what you guys think.

[strawbrygashez]

Shane Carver Hcs even tho no one cares about the movie other than me 🥲

•Very mentally ill. I feel like he has a long list of mental illnesses but the first ones that comes to mind are bpd and some kinda form of schizophrenia. (I would love to hear anyone else’s opinion on that tho) His intense alcohol & dr*g usage does not help with this in the slightest lol

He also has trauma due to his brother passing and his abusive father. He also has real bad abandonment issues. Forming the cult/black circle boys gave him this HUGE ego boost and a feeling of being wanted. It’s one of the reasons why he’s so intense about people not leaving the group (along side him just wanting to serve Satan as best as he can.. and one of his members leaving is basically saying he failed him so..)

•It’s already canon pretty much but he loves Kyle so fucking much. I think it scares Shane even with how much he loves him. Like once Kyle began to break the cults rules, Shane knew something was definitely ‘wrong’ when he didn’t feel much of anything other than disappointment. Like yeah he did keep saying if he leaves, he was gonna have to die basically but (MAJOR SPOILER): he couldn’t even bring himself to kill him in the end. He was struggling so much over his love for him, his pain of being betrayed, Satan being displeased with him, and trying to tell himself he has to make Kyle follow the ‘brotherhoods rules’ and what ever else which led to Kyle ultimately over powering him.

•Before the actual 100% believing in and worshipping Satan stuff, he genuinely just wanted to be in a cool metal band growing up. Due to his living situation however, he was never able to get a guitar until much later or was never able to take classes for it.

•He hates Kyles girlfriends(?) guts so much. He can’t bring himself to actually do much other than just to yell at her since she isn’t in the cult and he probably didn’t wanna piss Kyle off so early on.

They seemed to be on okay-ish terms until she got all seriously flirty with Kyle. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he banned her from coming to any more of their ‘parties’

•He’s always a little shit but it’s even worse when he’s able to get Kyle to leave his gf behind to hang out with him instead. This loser will literally do this face: 😋 at her before he puts a hand on Kyle’s back as they walk away together. He loves seeing her get pissy over Kyle not leaving him even tho she keeps warning him.

•HE DYES HIS HAIR BLACK EVERYONE!! 🗣️ He would never let Kyle help him dye it until they start dating tho.. he’s too embarrassed to let anyone know his actual hair color.

•He would have only ever genuinely tried to get better if he’d gotten with Kyle. I think Kyle would have made him agree to a couple things before they start dating. Like Shane can’t be unnecessarily cruel to Rory and people who genuinely did nothing to them. (Sometimes he lets it slide if it’s Shane being mean to strangers because eh. It’s Shane and that’s just him but he’s worried about Shane’s safety and just doesn’t see the point in fucking around with innocent people)

Shane obviously wouldn’t be perfect tho.. and wouldn’t try to start seeing a therapist or get on meds until much later on. I think the only thing that would make Shane actually see the point in changing how he is, is if Kyle stayed with him thru all his fuck ups bc that means Kyle does see something in him.. a glimmer of hope. Otherwise Kyle would have gave up real early on.

•Shane has no interest in ladies at all. He only called Kyles gf a ‘babe’ early on because he just wanted to come off as one of the boys 🦅

•I think Shane would have gave Kyle a lot of his old clothes or lets him borrow them. Like I’m sure Kyle had bits and pieces of those goth outfits he wore real early on but I think once Shane saw he was dressing more alternatively, he offered him some old stuff he doesn’t wear anymore. Like probably specifically his old, more masculine clothes.

•If they were dating… bro sneaks into Kyle’s room from that window above his bed almost every night. (Kyle leaves it unlocked specifically for him) Shane especially loves the nights where both of Kyle’s parents are out because he’s able to convince Kyle to turn on some metal as loud as his cd player can go and mosh around his bedroom with him.

When they aren’t in the mood to do all that, and maybe Kyle just needs a place to chill or calm down, Shane will just lay next to Kyle on his bed and not talk.. he likes those peaceful moments where Kyle is spooning him or playing with his hair while he’s zoned out more than he will admit..

•If he gave a shit about people knowing he’s gay (I can’t decide if either of them would care or not) I wanna see Rory accidentally walk in on the two kissing or something and be like “Oh! People were right about you two :3 it’s okay! I support! My cousin on my moms side has two dads-” and Shane just cuts him off by telling him if he says anything about what he just saw, he’s getting kicked out of the cult 💀 He’d also be pissed if he heard ppl spreading a rumor about them being together too… BUT I do like the idea that neither of them would care. They have each other so it doesn’t matter.

•CRINGE WARNING. One of their teachers calls Shane, Froggie (I’m pretty sure at least. I had no subtitles but it makes sense if u have seen the movie 🥲) AND I LOVE THINKING ABOUT Kyle calling him that to mess with him. Shane is already mad his name isn’t some edgy ass demon name so Froggie pisses him off…..Not really. He likes it only from Kyle.

•If Kyle would let him, he’d definitely paint his nails for him. Shane’s heart is beating out of his chest bc he’s holding Kyles hand but he’ll act ‘cool’ as usual

•He loves watching Kyle swim. He has to keep telling him to join the schools swim team tho because he knows it will piss Kyle off. It’s worth getting splashed & his makeup messing up to see Kyle reaction.

•I think Kyle’s mom would like Shane tbh.. if he acted how he does when it’s just him and Kyle anyways. I can see him being really polite to her. It takes everything in him not to attack Kyle’s dad tho. Like he’s heard how Kyle doesn’t like him much already but when he sees and hears how he treats him while he’s over even.. he’s gripping the knife they gave him at the dinner table so hard.

Oh yeah Kyle hates Shane’s dad too!!!

•K + S, in a heart shape, is carved into one of the trees at the cults meet up spot.

•While I’m not sure if I hc Shane having ocd.. he can get kinda real serious about other people not messing up his stuff & he tried to land the dates for cult meetings on specific days, at specific times for one specific reason or another.

•Shane’s ‘inspo’ for the cults symbol was that he already had that carved into his shoulder before he even started the cult. He gave it to himself with a razor during an episode. And since he has abandonment issues, he thought what better way to always be connected to someone than a matching scar in the same exact place.

[anxietywriter]

Characters with a Bad Childhood

Is your character meant to be traumatized? Wanna spice it up a little to give their backstory a bit more depth??? Here's a list of things that a character could have if they come from a family that was abusive (emotionally or physically) or maybe they just didn't have parents that were emotionally invested in them and the effects of that when they grow up. Just a few things! If you really wanna go in depth about it then, as always, do your research and fall into a rabbit hole of google searches!

TW: Abuse, Trauma, & Mental Illness

Not knowing basic self-care or things about how to properly take care of their body (specifically for women, maybe they don't know how to exfoliate after shaving/waxing, maybe they don't know how to effectively deal with period cramps. For men, maybe they were never taught how to shave their face or how to deal with their emotions, good or bad)

their life revolves around wanting to do things that should be within their control. Like cooking a new dish they saw on the internet or decorating their room the way they want or how they want to dress/do their hair. It's a constant battle of what they want to do versus what everyone wants of them or expects of them.

See them? They hold so much rejection anxiety. So much. They will never make the first move ever. Whether that's asking a friend for their number or asking to hang out or even texting first, a lot of the time they will wait. Because they'd rather not do anything than face rejection from a person they tried to reach out to.

Learning how to cope with whatever trauma or other mental illness they have from their experiences. And doing it badly or slipping up sometimes but still trying. Whether that is repeating positive affirmations to themselves or listening to music or writing in a journal or fidgeting. They are trying to heal.

They will flinch more than a regular person at any sudden movements near them if they've been physically abused. It's not even something that they necessarily notice that they do until someone points it out.

Struggling to speak up or be assertive. Like not even just when having to order food but just in their normal speech always being kind of quiet. It can definitely be a bit of an issue if they're doing a speech or if they just need to speak to a larger group in general. They just tend to be a quiet person. It's part of why they always seem so calm or timid. They hardly, if ever, raise their voice let alone yell.

They are so starved for touch or attention. They absolutely plaster themselves against someone or are constantly wearing something warm or fuzzy. Anytime they do get attention from another living being, absolutely happy. Little puppy moment, might even start blabbering on about whatever they're doing that day. If that living thing is their pet? Does not matter that the pet can't understand, they're happily chatting about what they're going to do and all of their feelings.

They hate anger. Like not just being angry but also hearing other people being angry. Not just yelling but also the kind of terse mumbling and swears. It makes them instantly uneasy. Uncomfortable. They may not look for an exit necessarily, but they will look away and seem small and try to avoid engaging with that person for the moment.

Alternatively, silence can be uncomfortable for them. Too many memories of a quiet dinner table populated with warning glares and the ugly sound of silverware against plates. Of a quiet house with no one but then in it. So they always have something playing, whether that be music or a video. Something's always playing, just some background noise. To make them feel less alone and also to remind them that they're okay now.

Especially for emotional abuse, questioning if it was ever *really* abuse. Being gaslighted and told "Well, you never got hit" as a way to discount that experience. Doubting themselves because even though people talk about abuse and everything like it's always different. Sometimes it's the "I'm so sorry, I promise to never do it again. I was just angry." or it's the way no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and continually praises the other person for being such a "hard worker" and "good person" and how you should be "grateful." it's not as obvious sometimes as everyone makes it seem.

[exitthedoughnut]

Particle Accelerator // Marvel

About Me and My Writing

Hi, you can call me Malibu (or w/e floats thine boat). I'm in my late twenties, my pronouns are she/her. I am both queer myself and obviously queer friendly. I'm not always consistently around due to both some environmental circumstances and personal struggles (it's the mental illness).

My writing style is third person present tense. I do have the ability to write in past tense if present tense bothers you. I can write anywhere from 200 words to about 3,000 (I don't measure in paragraphs as I play a little fast and loose with the definition of "paragraph" aksjdfhg).

While I don't expect you to mirror/length-match me, I am asking for someone who is comfortable writing detailed, literate posts. Not every post has to be 800w, I often dip low in my word count during dialogue heavy scenes. And I'm not asking for perfect spelling every time, lord knows I have a myriad of typos and I don't re-read my posts when I get excited. But I'm asking for the basics.

I am not caught up on the MCU. I just watched Multiverse of Madness last week, which is about where I'm at. I'll have a more comprehensive list of what I do and don't know a little later in the post.

The Rules

Since I'm in my late-late twenties, I'm looking for someone who is at least 23 themselves, but it'd be even better if you were 25+

In this house we double. If you don't know what doubling means, it means that I write both my character and who you want me to write for you, and you write your character and who I want you to write for me. It's a fairness thing derived from the old days of "canon x oc is SO selfish and unfair" which is why old farts like me say it's for "balancing" or "tit for tat" or whatever, since I've seen a lot of confused people lately. If I'm asking for canon x oc, it's only right I offer the same (or whatever it is you want) in return. Something I am completely capable of, I don't know why people make such a big deal out of lying on their fainting couch and claiming they can't do two sets of characters at once. Especially when they're totally okay with writing out background characters at the same time??

I will even triple for you, if you're in the market for a love triangle or a polyam OT3. You do not in any way have to triple in return, in fact I'd prefer if you didn't.

I also am completely comfortable writing as much space filling NPCs and canons as we need. I never let a scene go empty, and I'm happy to write surrounding characters. In fact I do it automatically. Sometimes people are surprised by this. I used to admin group roleplays.

At this time I am not looking for any NSFW content in my roleplays. I fade to black, and I won't be bullied into doing otherwise. (Dick jokes and talking about the fact adults do fuck is fine though, fading to black doesn't mean instant prude status)

I am however alright with like, a bit of violence. About Witcher 3's level is as far as I'm comfortable going: Fights can get messy as a treat if we want, we just don't need to go body horror with the organs, right?

Limits: Are very important, do not forget them. I do not want drugs, alcohol, smoking, vaping, or substance abuse to feature in or out of character. I don't want to see memes about it, I don't want to write about it. Nothing. I should not have to justify this, but my hobby and the dms of people I hope to be friends with is literally the only place I can ask to be a safe space. Because it is everywhere. I'm not judging people, I don't care what you do. I just don't want to hear about it, because I can't escape it anywhere else. I also am not wild about sexual assault, or the community's standard limits list of: pedophilia, incest, bestiality, etc. Leave all of that at the door, thank you. Rule number one of the salon is don't be nasty and you know that!

The mediums I use are: Discord and Email (I'm not keen on writing here on tumblr, but I'd be happy to idk, make a private Proboard or something?)

New rule: Please do not show me AI art of your character. Don't use an AI generator about it if you plan to write with me. Find a picrew or a dress up doll or some random picture on Pinterest. Hell just give me a paragraph description if you have to.

When you message me, do not just ask for my Discord or my Email. Do not just ask if I'm still looking, don't just say hey. The first message is a first impression, make it a good one. Tell me about yourself, tell me who you want me to write for you, what you're thinking, if you're picking up what I am putting down. Put some personality into it: This isn't a job, it's a hobby, it should sound like it when you talk to me. In this same vein, I'd prefer said first impressions are conducted over email, but messaging me on tumblr is fine too I suppose

Characters and "Plots"

First of all, in regards to sexuality / gender / canon / oc identities, everything is peachy keen! M/F, F//, M//, Trans, NB, Canon/OC, Canon//, OC// are all fine by me ♡

My side will be M/F Canon/OC, but you are welcome to request anything you would like. This is Build-A-Bitch and you can, in fact, have it your way.

My side is also M/F in a distinctly queer way. My OC is under the ace umbrella, as well as someone who doesn’t entirely conform to gender, so take that as you will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I will make you an OC, I will play multiple Canons for you, you can write as any gender identity or sexuality as you please. Just rub the lamp and make your wish! I will write almost any Canon for you, barring noted exceptions.

That out of the way, here's what I'm looking for!

I am looking for you to write: Tony Stark against my OC. I would particularly love to write for you: Steve, Bucky, Quill, Peter (Parker, MCU or Insomniac), Rocket (I will not make him a human), Drax, Stephen, Sam, Yuri (Watanabe, Insomniac), May (MCU), Mantis, Quentin Beck (Insomniac), Yelena, Natasha, Agatha, damn near anyone your gay heart desires Who I'm not particularly keen to write: Thanos, Quentin Beck (MCU), Tony Stark (duh)

And here's some plot jumping off points I've got rattling around in here, my favorites I'll mark w a heart scale out of five:

Iron Man 2008 ♥♥♥♥♥

My OC x Pre-established, Pre-Afghanistan Tony and working through the films? His life? An AU? W/e, but starting in 2008 Iron Man

Now I know a lot of people tend to cringe at pre-established or in general think it’s boring. But I don’t mean they were already like super together and had had a full character arc and everything prior to the roleplay ever starting. What I mean by this is I want to play with a plot where my OC and Tony were acquainted (preferably as friends with benefits) prior to his abduction in by the Ten Rings. During his time away my OC will realize oops! She accidentally fell in love with the emotionally unavailable playboy she was supposed to be having a not serious relationship with! And now he’s probably dead. Cue emotional turmoil! I like to pick the plot up at and start the roleplay when he comes home from Afghanistan, and work through the no doubt complicated feelings going on, building their relationship throughout the timeline. I’m not asking for insta-love. I’m just asking for two people who know each other and now have a whole lot of baggage to haul out of the basement thanks to someone’s near death experience.  I’m also not looking for this idea some people have that a roleplay ends with a couple getting together. I don’t want to artificially postpone them getting together, but again I’m not asking for insta-love. Just for something to evolve naturally. I’m sure that’s all obvious but I have had people try to withhold them from dating for esoteric reasons, and I just want to cover my bases since this is the most frequently misunderstood plot I want to do. Now obviously, this is very self indulgent. I would never dream of asking for this for my side without being willing to absolutely reciprocate. If you have a Marvel bae you want to work through the films with or some other self indulgent ask you never get to use, ask away. I am happy to do whatever you want for your side in exchange. I also recognize this is disgustingly self indulgent, but what is roleplay if not the wish fulfillment hobby? Naturally, in return, I am happy to write whatever self indulgent AU you are after!

Guardians of the Galaxy (1, 2, Game, whatever!) ♥♥♥♥♥

General space shenanigans. Tony + his found family the Guardians is extremely important to me.

I absolutely adore throwing Tony and my OC up into the cold, unforgiving expanse of space to be picked up by the Guardians. Them acting as a found family for Tony just means a lot to me, especially with how the writers for the MCU just. Refused to make the Avengers friends? If they won’t let the Avengers be friends, then I’ll give Tony friends by way of the Guardians god damn it. (Yes, him being Friends with Rocket and Nebula in Endgame was very important to me, thank you for asking) I am perfectly happy with your side being either from Earth or from space! Although this idea revolves around the Guardians, please don’t feel like your love interest has to be from the space scape, as I am ready and willing to find a way to drop kick everyone into space regardless of where your love interest comes from. If curious! My most commonly utilized plot involves the Collector hiring someone, be it the Guardians or another faction, to scoop up Tony. Frequently the reasoning is either A) Tony’s suit and reactor is unique, and he’s interested, or B) he’s interested in getting him as a gladiator present for his brother, the Grandmaster's, birthday. We don’t have to use this idea, I am happy to come up with others, brainstorm something together if you like But I know people often wonder how I plan to get them up there, and that one’s a pretty sure bet.

Potential Firefly influence?

Either instead or or in addition to the thoughts above, we could add some Firefly spice into this? Firefly is cowboys in space, let’s be real, and Quill gives a lot of pretending at being a space cowboy energy. I think kind of slapping him with some Mal energy could be really fun if you want him as a love interest.  Not required! Just something I’ve talked about with some people before and I am pretty fond of.

Miscellaneous

I'm also currently in Chapter 7 of the 2021 video game! And I love it a lot so far. I don't know anything about the comics (but want to start reading them soooon especially the arc where Tony is with them 🥺) and we don't at all have to stick to the MCU version of the Guardians (especially since I have my own headcanon version of Quill rattling around in my head that's 100% not Crisp Rat askjdhfg) I just love the Guardians as a concept. I love space families, I love Firefly and Star Trek is one of my favorite childhood series as well, and I love all the space stuff in Steven Universe, etc etc. I just love space settings LOL esp slice of life space settings (ST:TNG my beloved)

Insomniac's Spider-Man ♥♥♥

So I’m like too in love with this game. As someone who never read the comics, and didn’t really get into Tobey’s Spider-Man and catch the bug like my sibling did, I feel like with this game I finally get it, you know? Spider-Man is one of the most popular superheroes, and I wasn’t like. On the hype train. But now I’m on the hype train.  I’m unfortunately not really sure what I want to do with these games. All I know is that I love them, and I’d trade several organs to be able to write Insomniac’s Peter for you. I want to write him so so bad I just think he’s wonderful. I also love Yuri but not nearly as much as Peter.  We could follow the games, maybe do some pre-game stuff with Peter? Explore some of the 8 years prior to the game of him being Spidey? Maybe expand on some of the lore tidbits we get throughout the game in dialogue and mostly the backpack collectables? We could also do some post-game (any of the three) stuff. We could rewrite some of the game! We could save some characters maybe. I’m not sure! I’d love to explore literally anything with this, so if you have something in mind please let me know!  I’d love to figure out some ways to incorporate other Marvel characters too, just because seeing all the little nods and hints in the games to other villains or heroes or the dialogue tied to certain landmarks, or Otto getting bankrolled by Advanced Idea Mechanics: that shit was thrilling. I’d love to find a way to do more of this, even if it’s just figuring out how we slam dunk Iron Man into the scene. 

Thor: Ragnarok ♥♥♥

Science Bro reunion on the planet of trash is very good, ten outta ten. Love to slam dunk people into Sakaar.

I don’t have a whole lot more to say about this honestly? Other than we can also throw in whatever canon you want that isn’t normally there. Want the Guardians to show up? Carol? Want to slam dunk your bae in the gladiator ring too? Regardless of the movie I’m anchoring a plot to, I will throw anyone and everyone into the ring if you want.

Spoiled Princess gets anything she asks for, details at eleven.

I also have an AU where my OC (still human) was adopted by the Grandmaster as a baby, and is essentially the princess of trash planet, and Sakaar is where she meets Tony. Typically I have her ask her dad to spare Tony by way of insisting that he has a champion in the Hulk, why can’t she ever have a champion? He can’t just melt stick everything she takes an interest in! Other than that not much to say, I feel like Ragnarok is a pretty straight forward setting. Most of the ideas for this one would come about in talking it out with you.

Multiverse Stuff ♥♥♥?

Loosey goosey thoughts

I have a few multiverse ideas, one of which is original but could also be tied to NWH if we wanted. Another one involves TVA/Loki s1 stuff. We could probably swing something DSMOM related! Most of it deals with my OC having been involved with a Tony (be it MCU or some other universe's Tony), and loses him. Then typically she either tries to find a way to fix it (TVA intervenes) or she goes on a grief fueled vigilante spree and gets somehow knocked into a new dimension (original/nwh) where she can stop this universe's Tony from suffering the same fate, blah blah blah. It's all pretty loose and idk how super attached I am to it, but I came up with it because I was sad about IWEG and watching Phase 4 is hard LOL I also have a Spider-AU for my OC (who is normally just a civilian and doesn't have any powers other than This Stick She Found™), because who among us didn't make a Spider AU after seeing Spider-Verse LOL

Alternate Universe ♥♥♥♥

I'm always always always super down for an AU. We could use other media as the AU (Star Trek, Gargoyles, Disney/Fairytales, Indiana Jones, Anime, Jurassic Park, Steven Universe - literally name it, if I know it I can probably get hype about workshopping an AU) For more generic tropes/genres I loooove Fantasy AUs, D&D AUs, I love space and robots and sci-fi, I super love spies!! Like oh my gosh spy AUs are some of my favorites. It's like spies, fantasy, space slice of life, and androids are probably my four favorite genres? I'm super down for anything though. I also looove monster AUs, like vampire Tony?? Hello???? You could probably suggest anything and I'd be happy to babble about it. Magical Girls? Dungeon Meshi? Baldur's Gate? (though that's just Gale. Let's be real with ourselves. alkjhdjkg it's 100% why I am romancing Gale) I'm a slut and a whore for AUs aslkjdhfg and I am also a slut and a whore for tending to have like Six AUs I talk about all at the same time with partners who are tolerant of that behavior slkjdfg

Okay !! That should take care of the plot and characters section, onto the last little bit!

What Media Do I Know?

MCU:

Where I'm At:

Phases 1-3, Wandavision, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Black Widow, Loki Season 1 (but not S2 yet!), Shang-Chi, a few episodes of What If, Hawkeye, Eternals, No Way Home, Multiverse of Madness, GOTG Holiday Special

What I'd Prefer Not to Do:

IWEG. At least in the way it was shown to us. I'd prefer to just nuke it from existence entirely through plot points that circumvent it altogether, but I understand the blip is like. important or whatever to most of Phase 4 aslkdhjfg so if you want to do something in P4, we can workshop this.

Other Marvel Entries:

Insomniac's Spider-Man, Miles Morales, and Spider-Man 2

Chapter 7 of Squeenix's Guardians of the Galaxy (2021)

Deadpool, Deadpool 2 (though I didn't care for the second film) I haven't seen the third yet since it's in theaters and since covid I don't go to those, but I'll see it eventually 🤷

Days of Future's Past, X-Men First Class

Into the Spider-Verse, but not Across the Spider-Verse yet

Marvel Rivals! Yeah there's not a lot of content there but I also really like the dialogue writing alskshjdfg (and as an Overwatch fan I'm used to this like No Content But Somehow the Voice Lines Make It Worth It vibe lmao

I own Squeenix's Avengers, TTG's GOTG, and the Iron Man VR game that I all plan to play but haven't yet

Alright, I think that's probably it!

Hope to hear from you guys, but if I don't, good luck on your searches!

And for those who stuck around to the end and are interested in contacting me, here is my email that you can do that at:

beachcityshores (at) gmail (dot) com

(sorry for it not being very copy-pasteable, trying to avoid you know whats just scraping my email and spamming me)

We can totally RP via Discord, but you gotta get my handle by talking to me first. I'm getting tired of handing out my disco only to be hit with "hi i saw your ad :)" great what do you want [insert something I didn't ask for here]

If you're gonna make me pull teeth at least pay me a dentist's salary first <33

Bye!

[devilsskettle]

okay i do think i need to start getting serious about getting tested for adhd soon <- been an active conversation since i was 8 years old + my mom only got diagnosed with adhd after i told her i thought i might have adhd in high school so she started looking into it more in an adult context but she was talking to my teachers and doctors about it since elementary school and nobody ever fucking helped me and based on her experience with the diagnosis process i don’t fucking trust any of these fucking doctors it seems like they actively want you to struggle as much as possible to even humor the tiny tiny tiny possibility that your suspicions of adhd symptoms could maybe have some basis and i honestly can’t think about having a doctors appointment without imagining chewing out some poor random doctor for everything about this process that i’m mad about that i will definitely project onto them which may or may not be fair but will not be helpful for me to do lol but it took me almost 10 years to finally go to a doctor and be like hey i think i am severely depressed and have been for a long time and i literally never went back to my pcp because of how dismissive she was of my experience when i asked her about adjusting my medication and that’s one of the “easy” mental illnesses to have hahaha and now i’m scared they’re going to use my depression as leverage that since poor concentration is a depressive symptom that might rule out adhd and like there is some possible overlap with symptoms but for a while i’ve been like well i think there is more at play here actually, i feel like i’m having some other problems that aren’t really depressive symptoms and i’ve even had suspicions that i could be bipolar because i have some stretches of time when i have more energy and can be a lot more. well. hyperactive. hmmmm. and i’m always like could this be mania? i don’t think it’s severe enough to be mania tbh but could it be hypomania? or is this normal? tbh it doesn’t seem normal either but have i been depressed so long that i don’t know what normal is? but if that IS part of my baseline and i am hyperactive sometimes because i have a disorder with “hyperactivity” in the name then that would actually make a lot more sense not to mention problems with executive function, bad grades, obsessive focus on whatever thing i’m into at any given moment, time management problems, racing thoughts, chronic boredom and understimulation. and look i know it’s trendy rn and i know that they could easily see me as a drug seeker especially because if i were to be diagnosed i would want to be medicated (i wish i was still medicated for my depression tbh but again i dropped my pcp 2 years ago and never looked back so i ran out of antidepressants ages ago. rip) but i think its unfair to use that against people who just want to be able to be on the same level of adult functioning as everybody else because i cannot keep up with basic household tasks and work full time and be in school part time (i’m not even in classes rn because it’s the summer and there’s no way i could be in this program if it weren’t offered online and even then i absolutely did fail a class last semester and i’m still waiting to see what the consequences of that are gonna be. hehehe.) but like the state of my room is appalling, mainly exacerbated by my laundry situation in that i never fully put it away AND i think there’s something wrong with our dryer, i always just get random “groceries” like quick meals and snacks from fucking cvs because it’s too expensive to get real groceries delivered especially since when am i going to actually cook???? our kitchen isn’t huge anyway but i definitely don’t have the kind of energy i need to cook AND do the dishes which i am so bad at doing that i have stopped using dishes, i will use a paper towel or i will buy stuff that is already in a container so i don’t have to dirty any more dishes. which is why i have no dishes in our sink rn or for the past couple of months JUST FOR THE RECORD but its not because i’m a paragon of cleanliness and maturity lol

obligatory paragraph change because of the character limit!! i have had to be given multiple “verbal warnings” at work for frequent enough tardiness that it was noticeable and on one hand it’s like lol a verbal warning. okay i am shaking in my boots but it’s also just another mark against me in the opinions of the people making decisions about who might get promoted or not and i don’t have a great “escape plan” from this current job especially since i don’t know where my future will lie academically with my current grades and that was like. my whole plan to have a better career trajectory lmao so another option could be 1) apply to be a supervisor in my current department if a position ever opens up? <- won’t happen because they think i’m “timid and shy” and consistently late and don’t like me or think of me in any position of authority even though i know everything there is to know about my current department other than like. ordering stuff for the store and how to close the cash drawer at the end of the day which supervisors and managers do. 2) apply for a job in a different department <- also won’t happen because a lot of positions require a drivers license for no apparent reason and they’re super weird sometimes about hiring internally and as we established they don’t like me or see me in any other role despite consistently, i believe, demonstrating my competence. we have performance reviews coming up this month and i am basically ready to jump off a bridge anticipating bad feedback for stupid reasons. but my manager said good things last time so maybe i can start saving some evidence of good feedback to whip out if i ever do apply for anything internally. even making the switch from part time to full time in the same role same department same everything was like a truly painful and humiliating experience i am not prepared to do all that again hahaha. anyway. ummmm all that is to say that i do think there are some behavioral problems i have that could be symptoms of adhd that are negatively impacting my life in a significant way. but w/e idk what doctor will ever listen to me because i’m so “timid and shy” <- said this twice in quotes because that’s a real thing the guy from hr said to me when i first applied to switch to full time and i did give him pushback on that in the interview but like that’s how people see me because i have a naturally soft speaking voice and i don’t say everything that i think all the time and don’t need to be the center of attention constantly or beg for other people’s approval and i mind my own business!! i’m in guest services i’m literally not too timid to talk to people lmao and the coworkers i like i can be very chatty with. he said this after meeting me twice for 5 minutes in a role i wasn’t usually scheduled in at the time and all of my performance feedback was based off of that. sigh. one of my coworkers who is this sweet older lady calls him “the rat” and literally hates everyone in hr so much hahaha it’s honestly so validating to me. anyway they don’t diagnose quiet girls with adhd but luckily i’m not successful like my mom was so i have a lot more “evidence” that this could be a real problem than she did and she was still definitively and emphatically diagnosed with adhd by a specialist who did NOT want to diagnose her with adhd and told her as much. so maybe they’ll see it as something real that they should really consider and give me a real solution for but i don’t trust that they will at all tbqh the process that my mom went through seems like my personal hell of paperwork and doctors appointments and talking about your feelings and your failures and having a series of people dismiss you and actively work against you to get anything productive done. AAAAAA but i do feel like i need to do it if i want to stop wasting my life and try to get on the right track again and if they really really really tell me i’m wrong and that i don’t have adhd then i will listen as long as they give me some next steps to help me figure out what the actual problem is then. tbh though like i said

another obligatory paragraph break!! i’ve considered other possibilities and part of the diagnosis process is ruling out any other possible underlying causes but before typing the word “hyperactive” about how i sometimes get a burst of energy for a couple days like that, i did not even make a connection between when i wondered if i could be manic/hypomanic vs whether that could be adhd hyperactivity unhampered by depressive gloom. like i kind of want to pull my hair out in frustration feeling kind of dumb that i considered mania before i considered the hyperactivity disorder hahahaha but anyway. i will send some emails tomorrow morning, my mom (unprompted by me) sent me an email with a bunch of resources to get tested lmao and since she has already gone through it i feel like i can at least see what happens and my process will probably be a lot easier than hers for a LOT of reasons (childhood history + testimony from people who have known me from my childhood to now, family history obviously, demonstrable evidence of adverse effects on my life and general adult functioning) so i should at least try before i really fucking lose my mind or fuck up my life any more than i already have lol

[cheerfullycatholic]

Hey, apologies in advance for the ramblings but I really need someone to talk to about this anonymously 😅 so basically idk if I’m crazy or should genuinely feel ridiculous or like a loser??? But I’m currently living in Europe and one of my good friends is getting married in a few months and is out in the states. I’m supposed to be going out there for the wedding but I honestly think it’s been making me sick with stress. See, I am on the spectrum and I like to be able to do what I want and get away from people when I need to but there’s like an entire set of plans with more of her friends and of course extended family who I have never even talked to before and it’s not that I think they’ll be horrible but it’s a long time to be somewhere new and ofc she is going to be busy prepping for the wedding itself and I thought I’d be able to do things alone but I found out where she’s currently living is actually quite far from anything and I might have to rely on her other family to get me places. On one hand, I feel so dumb because it seems like such a great opportunity to also visit this place but on the other hand, it really is so much to not be guaranteed alone time and knowing she won’t be there all the time idk I’ve just been really sick to the point of passing out lately and this is the only thing I can think of that has caused such an increase in stress and I feel kind of pathetic for it? In any case, if you have any words of wisdom, advice etc I’d appreciate it and please prayers 🥺

Dude I totally get you, and it's not ridiculous or pathetic. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum but I deal with the same things all the time, and they just make my chronic illness worse. My nephew's birthday party and my step uncle's wedding are both tomorrow and I was having a rough time health wise just with the party but the wedding was hastily planned two weeks ago which was not enough time to mentally prepare for, and my nephew's party is in a place I've never been to before mostly with people I either don't like or don't know and I've been dying, man. And I can't drive so I can't just leave, ya know? Not unless someone takes me home and I can't expect anyone to do that. But at least these events are all in my general area, I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be in a different country! I will definitely keep you in my prayers

Firstly, since it's making you sick, you do not have to go or do all the things she wants you to. She's your friend, she should understand that your health just won't permit it and going could make it worse. It's okay to take care of yourself. But if you decide to go, what are some things that help you calm down and deal? For me it's listening to show tunes. I bought these open ear bluetooth earbuds (link goes to Amazon) specifically so I can listen to Hamilton at the events tomorrow without anyone knowing because I can hide them behind my hair, and since they're open ear I can both hear the music and the people around me both just fine and they don't hurt after awhile like normal earbuds do. I wouldn't be going to either events if I hadn't gotten these. You mentioned alone time, maybe tell your friend about your struggles and that you sometimes need time to relax and breathe by yourself and maybe she could figure out a place where you could rest. If you go, do what you gotta do, make gathering all of the stuff you can to help yourself a fun thing

[jeonvein]

| genre: thriller, romance.

| extras: this story follows my book version of this. The names Garam and Jungseok will be changed. Jungseok becomes Jungkook and Garam is Y/n. For the fanfiction version everything will be changed to fit it.

| trigger warning: child abuse, abuse, violence, murder, cannibalism,

Chapter 1: Y/n Pov

"How long am I required to work today?" I asked my manager who was sitting just inches away from the counter where the register was placed. I had just clocked in to my shift not knowing that my other boss left a note wanting me to work an extra shift because people hadn't shown up.

My manager shifted slightly into her seat, sighing heavily. "I honestly don't know. Seyoon barely comes to work and when she does, she begs other people to take her shift."

I chuckled lightly. "I know Seyoon is very unique."

"I wouldn't say unique, she has a habit of laying people off. Why I would rather have you work the hours I do than work her hours."

Eunae had been my manager for some time. She's been very helpful while I was struggling with money problems that had affected my family upon moving to Tongyeong-si. I moved to stand in front of the register that is next to Eunae. She didn't move an inch in her seat but she looked extremely exhausted.

"You should head home, Eunae."

"My shift isn't over just yet."

"You look exhausted, Eunae."

Eunae laughed. "It is part of customer service especially in a coffee shop." She stood up, wiping down her apron. "Our jobs ain't cheap."

I chuckled lightly. "You got that right."

Eunae was right, sometimes serving customers here at the coffee shop was exhausting mentally and physically especially if these customers were being rude to the employees causing more stress onto us and the managers. That was the only bad thing that I could think about being here in this small city.

There were a lot of memorizing sights like the small fountain placed just inches away from the coffee shop. I loved to stare at it during my breaks, it helps clear my mind most days. I've been offered multiple jobs by multiple different people, I even had one person offer me $200 a week to be a stripper at their club but I respectfully declined them.

Luckily, the coffee shop was just enough for me and I was offered great staff for the most part.

"Y/n, how is the landlord acting today?"

"Bad, He basically told me I have a month to earn at least 1318000 won or we would be kicked out of the house."

Eunae sighed heavily. "Your mom is still not helping?"

"Not that much, she barely works while she is telling me to get two jobs while dealing with my father's illness."

"If I could let you stay with me I would but I am about to get an apartment of my own."

"I wish but It is what the world is, Eunae." I started counting the money in the register to make sure we had enough to give back to the customers who paid with $5 dollar bills and even $10's.

I was already mentally preparing myself for homelessness, knowing how much of a risk I will be to diseases and even an illness that has affected my father. I am praying in my heart that I will be able to make enough money to last another month or I may have to beg our landlord to extend it even further since we cannot make it to the pay day.

I placed the money in the register, closing it upon hearing quickened footsteps coming closer towards me. I looked in that direction to see who it was and to my surprise it was Hwayoung. She was breathing heavily, holding a piece of paper tightly in her hands.

"Hwayoung, you okay?" Eunae turned around to look at her, seeing her messy hair and sweat upon her clothes. She huffed and slammed the piece of paper onto the counter, making both Eunae and I jump.

"Damn Hwa, You didn't have to slam it on the counter like that."

She was still heaving trying to catch her breath. "Give me" She sucked in the air around her. "Two seconds."

Both Eunae and I laughed. It was nice to see Hwayoung at the start of such a stressful shift. There were not enough words to express the love I have for Hwayoung but I think having her in my life was enough to express that.

There was visible sweat built up on her forehead as we watched her catch her breath before standing up straight. Eunae and I raised an eyebrow at her, curious on what got her running towards us in excitement.

"You had a good run Hwa?"

"Amazing run! My body is pumping full of adrenaline."

"We can tell." I laughed.

"Well, It is not just about the run."

"Then what is it about that has gotten you so excited?"

"That piece of paper!" She exclaimed, pushing this unknown paper closer to me.

"Is it for me?"

"Yes it is! I know how much you have been needing 1318000 won by the end of the month so I did something exciting!"

I looked towards Eunae, still confused about this. Eunae shrugged her shoulders and pointed to me to pick up the piece of paper and read it. I reached over picking up the paper and bringing it close to my face to start reading it.

"You signed me up at an orphanage?" I didn't even read the full thing when I came across the name of the orphanage at the top of the paper. "Jungsik's orphanage" plastered in bold and eye-catching font.

"I did!" Hwayoung shouted, causing some of the customers that were already in the coffee shop to look her way.

"Hwayoung let's not shout, you're disturbing the customers." Eunae explained sternly, signing to the customers that she is handling it.

"I'm sorry, I am just so excited." Hwayoung slightly turned towards the customers, bowing 90 degrees before standing straight.

"But back to the orphanage, how did you sign me up without me being there?"

"It was easy, I saw an application online last night and went to visit it this morning. When I came in, I asked for the job applications. The old lady at the desk gave it to me to fill out as she was thinking I was signing up and I just put your name."

"You basically committed fraud Hwayoung.." Eunae held her laugh.

"Did I?.." Hwayoung took a second to think about it.

"I mean the thought is what matters in the end right?" I shrugged.

One thing about this paper is that the orphanage does look legit but maybe I should look up during my break today to see if I can find its location on the maps. I was still a little bit suspicious about how quickly Hwayoung got the job for me but maybe they were desperate for workers that they took anyone.

"Hwa, How did you get this job so quickly?"

"I have my ways." She smirked towards me and Eunae laughed, hitting my shoulder lightly.

"They owed her money."

"That is not trueee."

"Then what is it hmm? I mean Y/n is right, she shouldn't have gotten that job so easily."

Hwayoung hummed. "What the lady at the front desk told me is that they were actually looking into Y/n. They didn't know what she looked like quite yet but they were going to offer her a job so It was convenient I turned up there and used Y/n's name."

"Which I still can't believe you did."

"Hey I mean I got you a job right!"

I shook my head. "Correct."

"In a weird way but It does work for Y/n." Eunae sat back down in her chair as Hwayoung got closer to us to let people who just came inside of the coffee shop by.

"Make sure to read the whole thing Y/n, if you don't read the whole thing you will miss something and let the company be allowed to rip you off of a job if they wanted to instead of giving you any benefits."

I nodded my head, moving my eyes back onto the piece of paper. I made sure to imprint every inch of information that was said on this piece of paper just in case the company decided to try to lie to me. While I was doing that, my eyes came across another bolded message near the end.

'DO NOT: Do not come at night, throw out your personal feelings before you enter our orphanage'

I didn't understand what It meant or the hidden meaning behind this message. This new boss was definitely like leaving warnings which was normal in this working industry. After that bolded warning, there was a list of potential risks while working at the orphanage.

There were mentions of missing children and the environment of the place causing injuries to the workers which I could understand since I assumed it was in place since the 1900's. I was really glad they told the risks and even mentioned that all injuries are paid for by the orphanage.

Thank god I didn't have to pay for another hospital bill.

I read the application over one more time, allowing it all to seep into my brain. Then I placed the paper down on the counter. Hwayoung pointed at a small line towards the bottom of the paper right after the potential risks section.

"Do make sure you sign it. He can't officially let you be an employee there until you agree to the terms and risks of working there."

I squinted my eyes at the paper finally seeing the small smudged line. I can't believe I didn't see it before. I went to reach for a pen that was placed in one of the cups just right of the register. I moved my head down near the paper before signing it with my signature.

I should have thought twice about applying but they seemed promising with the amount of work they would give and health benefits if anything happens to me while working. I do like that I will be taking care of children which is one of my best qualities. My Aunt always said I was good at taking care of young toddlers.

I went to put the pen back in the cup holder when the bell from the front door rang loudly. A large family came into the shop and stood behind Hwayoung looking at our menu. There were a couple of children with them and they seemed well behaved.

My gaze moved back towards Hwayoung when she practically jumped over the counter to wrap her arms around me to dig her knuckles into my head playfully.

"I knew you would do it! I am always such a good friend!"

"I need the money but thanks Hwayoung." I laughed lightly.

"You're so welcome! I'mma head back towards the dance studio see you both then!" Hwayoung sent us goodbye air kisses before walking past the family behind her to leave the shop.

I sometimes wonder how me and her are friends sometimes but It wasn't my worry at the moment. I just had to get through my shift right now and tonight at this orphanage. I am hoping they are really nice to me.

—––———–––

It reached 6 pm right on the dot. The clock that was set up in Eunae's spot went off reminding her and me that It was our time to go home. I finished with the last customers who came in and ordered their late night coffees. I understood completely why some of them needed it that bad since work drains a person mentally.

Then I placed my apron onto the wall hanger in the break room near the door. Once I finally clocked out, my other manager Seyoon entered the break room. She grinned towards me, placing a hand on her hip.

"Are you taking my shift?"

"I'm sorry Seyoon but I have to go to my other job."

"Other Job? Who else would hire you?" Seyoon snickered out.

I took a step back from the door when I noticed Eunae entering the break room. Eunae looked towards Seyoon before clocking out herself.

"Seyoon, please make sure the coffee shop is closed correctly this time. I don't think we can handle another complaint."

Seyoon chuckled. "I think I was just about to leave, right Y/n?"

"Not really, you have to do your job, Seyoon. I'll see you tomorrow Eunae." I smiled towards Eunae as I pushed past Seyoon who was blocking the entrance.

I started heading towards the bus station just down the street from the coffee shop. It was not a long walk and it was nice to enjoy the breeze that flowed by everyday. When I reached the area, I went to look at the map to see if I could find this orphanage and ask the driver if they could take me out that far.

I placed my finger on the map to point at where I was before looking around for 'jungsik orphanage'. For a couple of minutes I couldn't find it. It was making me think that maybe this place wasn't real but I decided to pull out my phone and go on google Maps to help me out.

When I found it on google, I saw the bus pulling up to the station. I kept a right grip on my purse before getting into the bus. I stopped in front of the bus driver to hand him some money.

"I also have a question sir."

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a station out near Jungsik Orphanage?"

The bus driver looked at me with a weird smirk on his face for a split second before his face went back to normal.

"Yes we do sweetheart, now go wait your turn."

I took a step back, concerned about what I just saw from the bus driver's face. I sighed internally.

Y/n, it is just your imagination.

I hope it was, everything about this night seemed off. When I sat down, the bus driver had already hit two other stops before driving off. While I was waiting, I decided to call my mother and tell her that I found my second job. I know she would be proud about me working instead of coming home.

I dialed her number hoping for a response but It just went straight to voicemail. I sighed lightly, not letting myself think about my mother more than I have to. I didn't want to bother her while she was trying to take care of my father. My mother was starting to get protective of me and I think it is because she knows my father may not make it. I am hoping he does but fate is not always on my side.

The bus reached the orphanage allowing me to get off. I looked straight ahead, seeing the big orphanage in the distance illuminating with the sunset. I should head over to it before I run out of light. I quickly ran towards the orphanage reaching the front yard, that is when I noticed the huge moss growing on the bricks and even the brown burn spots on the green grass just inches from the place.

I decided to take a minute to look up the history of this place. From what I know, the orphanage was built during Emperor Hyo's reign over korea. Which did make sense with its structure and the wood looking rotten. However, I was starting to get a little bit nervous with the human-like burn marks on the walls.

They were in the shape of bodies along with words like "save us, help us, they are hurting us" written in white chalk. I managed to head inside of the orphanage where it looked mostly up to date with the time period. The feeling of the carpet underneath my feet still had its softness while some areas were brittle.

I noticed the hallways were being lit by candles nailed into the walls which added to the swift draft of the wind. While walking down one of the hallways, I stopped in my tracks upon seeing stabbing marks. Some of the marks had a splotch of blood on it.

I think I may go home.

No Y/n, you need this job.

The hell I do.

It was a battle with my mind. I needed to leave, there were obviously better jobs out there than this. I rushed back towards the reception area where a young woman was apparently waiting on me near the entrance.

"You are Mrs.Heo Y/n correct?"

"Um, yes that is correct."

"Great." She walked towards the reception desk with a clipboard. "I am going to need that paper that you were supposed to sign."

Right. The application.

I pulled out the application from my purse, handing it to her. She took the paper from me, reading it to make sure I followed all of the instructions. The young girl put the paper on the wooden desk before picking up a huge stack of papers.

"I am Joy. I will be your tour guide since I will be quitting." She smirked, handing me the stack of papers that I needed to carry.

"Uh, thank you?"

"You're welcome, let's start upstairs." She went up the stairs first leaving me behind. I slowly followed behind not seeing the male that walked in front of me. I stopped in my tracks when I reached the top step, finally seeing him.

The mysterious male was glaring at me with his piercing eyes only to walk past me leaving me alone. That is when I noticed one of the rooms where two boys were playing with a toy but when Joy walked back towards me, they hid it under their bed.

"Let's start with the rooms. I don't need to tell you how many rooms but I am going to pretend that you are stupid."

I should have walked out. I don't know why I didn't.

But Instead I didn't and just smiled at her. She went past one of the first rooms.

"There are six bedrooms on this floor. 10 children are living in each room with the left side belonging to the boys and the right belonging to the girls."-"The rooms are in order from youngest to oldest, Do I need to explain the ages to you?'

I shook my head. "I think I have It ma'am."

"Good, I am happy you're not incompetent."

We reached the end of the hallway where I noticed a door that was cracked. I didn't think anything of it but I did want to ask about it.

"Joy, I have a question."

Joy turned around crossing her arms. "Yes?"

"This room." I pointed to the door. "Is it important?"

"I didn't tell you about it, which means It is not for you."

I nodded my head following Joy downstairs where she showed me the rest of the place like the classrooms, living rooms, nurse stations and kitchens.

"I will be going, I assume you have the common sense to follow the rules."

"Thank you."

Joy quickly left the place leaving me alone. I started doing this stack of papers in my office when crying started getting louder and harsher every couple of minutes. I went to take a break from my work to go see what happened. I headed towards the nursery to find her near one of the cribs.

"It's okay, I won't hurt you."

I whispered it to her kneeling down in front of her. She hesitated but let me look at her arm from a distance. Her arm had burn marks making her arm a bright red. I slowly moved towards her to help guide her to one of the girls bedrooms, tucking her in one of the beds.

"I'm going to get medicine for your arm, okay?" I told her softly, trying not to scare her.

I ran down stairs swiftly rummaging through the cabinets until I could find bandages. I pulled up a stool next to the young girl, taking her arm slowly. Putting on the ointment she was wincing in pain every time the ointment touched her burnt skin. Her tears started filling her eyes as I wiped her tears.

"Can I know what happened?"

She doesn't look in my direction. It looked like she was scared to tell me who hurted her. I stood up and started putting things back into the first aid kit before moving closer towards the door.

"I will be in the hallway if you need me."

Before I could walk out, she whispered out "thank you for being nice." like she didn't want anyone to know she was thanking me. I smiled and turned around where I kissed her head.

"I will always be nice to you."

When I stepped out into the hallway, there was that male again. We almost bumped into each other but he took a step back from me. You could see he was definitely taller than me by a couple of inches along with that scar that came across his right eye complimenting his raw red eye.

He had another scar on his chin down near the bottom left along with his captivating left brown eye. It was definitely rare in Korea for people to have two color eyes and it was nice to see someone unique, specifically in a part of town I've never been to.

"Are you done eye fucking me?"

My eyes widened when his voice turned cold like ice.

"No sir, I was not eye fucking you."

Right when he was about to respond a nun walked up to the both of us.

"Dinner is at 6:30 pm. Bedtime is at 8:30 pm. Don't be late next time."

I looked at her confused. "It is 8:30?"

The nun walked away from me not answering my question. I didn't pay any mind to it and walked past the male to put the rest of the children to bed. I entered one of the rooms where the young boys were jumping on the beds.

"Please, let's get you all to bed hmm?" I tried to convince them but they didn't listen quite well.

"Get into bed, do you want the boogeyman to come out and get you?" I saw the mysterious male enter the room and leaned against the doorframe. He chuckled while each of the little kids went up to him to say goodnight.

"Unnie was so nice to us! She helped Jian today after the meanies hurt her!"

That is when I saw a smile on his face. It was definitely memorizing. I was slowly learning the concept of who the children called the meanies and I was glad It wasn't the mysterious male. He seemed interesting but I didn't have enough time to admire as I rushed towards the nursery to put the babies to bed.

I read the names on the crib, picking up Min Ae and Min So. I sat down in one of the rocking chairs near the corner and started softly singing a song my mother would always sing to me as a baby to help them sleep.

TAGS: #kpop

[trans-axolotl]

Hi this question isn't about treatment or anything but you and your followers seem to have a lot of knowledge about mental health and also i like your approach to mental illness so i thought to ask it here.

How do you regain connection to reality when you're mentally allergic to grounding exercises? I've been struggling a lot with delusions, hallucinations, and dissociating chunks of my life away the past however long, it's not the worst periods of time that this has gone on but it's up there. I've been through a lot of therapists and viop so i know of ~Grounding kits~ and ~Meditation~ and ~Reconnecting to your body~ etc, but the first one doesn't work for personal reasons and anything related to connecting to the body just makes me disconnect from reality faster in retaliation almost. How do I get back to any semblance of reality when the basic tools for doing that make it worse? I don't want to be Normal™, i just want control of my life back.

hey anon <3 I'll offer a few thoughts and suggestions but as always, I'm just one person, so take what works and leave the rest.

I'm someone who absolutely HATES so many types of grounding exercises and stuff like meditation and body work often feels particuarly inaccessible to me. So I defintely understand feeling like all the therapy things are just not helpful or actively make things worse.

Something that helped me start to feel more able to be in touch with reality was firstly taking a look at my life and trying to notice patterns. So often shit that I was feeling would just seem completely random, or be a symptom that happens so often that it starts to just blend into how I experience my life. But taking an overall look and asking okay, are there times where I ever do feel connected to reality? what does that look like? When are the times that I feel most disconnected? Are there any triggers I can notice? And writing all that shit down because god knows I can't remember all of that. That helped me notice what activities (whether therapist approved or not lmao), what situations, and what people helped me feel a little less lost and seperated from reality. Noticing what things already were naturally helping allowed me to be really intentional about incorporating those things into my routines and everyday life, and figuring what things were already helping, however small, allowed me to be creative about amplifying those.

For example, I noticed that during one of my particularly distressing hallucinations that involved seeing many different parts of something all over the sidewalk, something that made me feel mildly less freaked out was counting the hallucinations and creating a fake mental map on my head where I was like, placing the hallucinations as points on a map and counting them. This made me wonder if things that were sort of similiar in terms of categorizing things in my head such as doing sudoku puzzles, organizing random shit into piles, and doing complex one line drawings would help the distress. And it turns out that weirdly enough it did help a little bit. It didn't stop me from having the hallucination, but it did make the hallucination feel a little bit more under my control. Random shit like that helped me think outside the box about what coping skills might actually help when I was feeling so frustrated with how the ones off of therapy worksheets just did not feel applicable.

Another thing that sort of helps me is changing my mindset and goals about how I want to feel about my delusions, how I want to experience reality, how I want my relationship with my hallucinations to be. I used to get really frustrated all the time because none of the coping skills people would suggest to me could get rid of my delusions or help me stop seeing things that aren't there. Something another patient said to me that's stuck was "even if something only works 5%, lean into that and try to fuel that flame." Sometimes it helps me to sort of clarify what actually feels most important to me. Is what's most important descreasing the intensity of emotional distress when I experience upsetting hallucinations? Is it being able to still get tasks done when I'm delusional? is it being able to feel present when I'm spending time with my loved ones? Evaluating whether I'm more concerned with the intensity of the experience, the frequency of the experience, or the impact of it on my life functioning helps me figure out what to prioritize. Sometimes being able to get more specific about what actually feels most important helps me try out coping skills and actually be able to evaluate their effect instead of feeling always overwhelmed by the fact that I was still delusional, hallucinating, and out of touch with reality.

I don't quite have the right words to describe what I'm trying to say, but something else that I've been working on lately is how to sort of stop fighting against my hallucinations and more embracing them? not quite leaning into or encouraging them, but sort of just Stopping fighting. so often i get into thought spirals where I'm simultaneously hallucinating and then getting incredibly distressed about that and trying to fight it and trying to prove that it is or isn't real. Sometimes, it can help me to just be like "okay, this might be real, it might not. I'm experiencing it right now and it's okay if my reality is not the same as other people's realities right now. I'm going to try to move through the world right now anyway, and it's okay if that's difficult or odd." I'm trying to get out of battles with my hallucinations and delusions and instead trying things with the framework of "will this help me coexist with this delusion or hallucination? even if I am currently experiencing a different reality, how can I make small connections to other people's realities?"

Honestly, I don't really have a lot of advice, because this is still something that's very difficult for me! I don't often have a lot of insight when I am delusional and it is very hard not to slip into avoidence or dissociation especially when for me, my brain has learned a lot of these things as survival skills and it is hard to convince my brain that I am in safer situaions where I no longer need to cope like this.

I also want to validate that dealing with dissociation, hallucinations, and delusions can be so completely exhausting and frustrating. Whatever way you're feeling about all of it right now, you deserve to have the space to feel those emotions and know that you are not a failure because the conventional therapy skills that people want you to use are not working. That doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong and you don't need to feel shame. I honestly think that a lot of conventional therapy stuff really doesn't know what the fuck to do with experiences like delusions, dissociation, and hallucinations and it is absolutely not just a you problem. I hope you're able to give yourself the space and time to acknowledge that you're so allowed to be exhausted, overwhelmed, and upset, and simultaneously embrace that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have in the environment you're in.

Followers who experience these things, please add on!!! would love to get some more crowd sourced wisdom here for anon <3

[system-of-a-feather]

[A vent and flow of consciousness letter to the system and those that might relate]

I don't think it is fair that those who have become high functioning because of sheer survival often find themselves in the situation where being mentally ill becomes an option and thing they can turn on and off via dissociation and repression

Because when you get to that point, it no longer becomes a "you are mentally ill and because you can "choose to not be disabled" you should choose to NEVER be disabled and anytime you turn that off to vent out the passive build up, you are choosing to be mentally ill and disabled and you dont get the same consideration or care as those "not so fortunate"."

If I could not have a mental breakdown / meltdown that could stress and hurt those around me, then I should choose to right? If I know how to turn it off, not turning it off is reflective of me being an inconsiderate and abusive piece of shit right? But at the same time, when that is always an option, when do we get the chance to let the inherent mental illness we have and all its ugliness get a chance to air out so we can heal and live?

When do we get the courtesy that "less functioning" individuals - those who never developed the ungodly ability to cancel out any genuine experience and repress it so heavily - get? When do people start giving us a break and the understanding that we have over 5 Very Serious Mental health issues when we slip up and struggle? When is the decision to NOT cancel our experiences stop being considered a reflection of our personal character and values?

No amount of pain or personal issue excuses abusive or harmful behavior that is true. Nobody on any form of coping gets to use it as an excuse, but no one reassures those that are high function and "low support needs" that its fair to struggle and fair to take support and care. It's okay to NOT be high functioning and that it should not be a reflection of your personal character. It's okay to be sick and make an effort like other people have to inorder to make amends.

High functioning labels are bullshit. Low functioning labels are bullshit - thered a reason aspergers was thrown out of the book.

Just because we look good doesn't mean we aren't sick. Just because people buy into and cant see past the compulsive external beauty and perfection and hold you to a higher standard than your peers doesn't mean you should hold yourself up to their blind vision of who you are. You deserve the same level of respect and understanding your peers get. You aren't special because you look special. Those that treat you as some messiah, some perfected angel and saint of life - thats their issue.

If they deserve the patience you give, you do too. If they deserve the understanding that sometimes people are stupid and fuck up regardless of their intent, then you deserve that too.

If they deserve the benefit of doubt that when they make a mistake and hurtful decision that you assume and accept that they are just human, so do you

And anyone who says otherwise? Anyone who looks at you and judges you? Assumes that you aren't doing your best? Anyone who holds you to a higher standard than your peers? Fuck em. They can apologize, they can make their mistake for holding up the double standard and struggling, but if - even after hearing how unfair the double standard is, they insist that you are not due the same courtesy and benefits of doubt you hand out to others?

Well, fuck em.

You can be hurt even when you might have been in the wrong, even if you should have known better, whem you make a mistake. Honest mistakes don't have blame. You don't judge others when honest mistakes are made, they should return that lack of judgement.

If they disagree with this basic principle, then we aren't compatible and they aren't needed to be kept around.

If they don't like the real you, the you with ALL your garbage, then they dont deserve the usual you. Let them be gone, let it be a good riddance.

I'd rather live alone with myselves than live with those that demand we hold ourselves to their perceived standard of functioning based on our trauma sourced coping.

XIV said, if people hate you for being angry, for being cringe, for caring about something, then fuck them

I say, if people judge you for doing less than your best, for being vulnerable and weak, for making mistakes that are inherent to what they knew when they chose to be involved with someone with an extensive amount of hurt and pain to heal, then fuck them.

We do our best, we usually are astoundinf, amazing, an inspiration, goals for many and that can hold true while leaving space for us being Ugly and Hurt. There is no value in feigned strength built on false premises. The strongest strength comes from authentically knowing your pain, holding it up and persisting against all the ugly.

No radical acceptance exists without radicall acceptance of your wounds.

XIV says you can be ugly and hated and still love yourself and feel beautiful in your ugly ways.

I say you can admit you feel ugly and hated and still be beautiful.

And you know what? Riku says the world is beautiful - that everything in the world and everyone in the world - it is inherently beautiful.

Nothing needs to change about anyone to have beauty in the moment.

[fairycosmos]

i love you chloe i do, and i think you're very aware of the privileges you have been afforded (being white, living in a relatively secure country, food and shelter) but let's be real living under capitalism in this political landscape and the nhs doing fuckall to help people with their mental health issues and in general the cost of living crisis..... it's okay to say you're not doing well even if you have some of your basic needs met idk if this sounds rude but to me it's honestly no surprise most of us are not doing well... look around us, how could we be doing well given the circumstances of modern life. and even if you were well situated and doing well, there's also the grappling with imperalism and neo-colonialism, plus the exploitation in the workforce happening in our own countries right in front of our eyes

dw it doesn't sound rude at all!! and like ur objectively right, there's no point in playing the pain olympics with my own struggles - i rarely used to do it. i used to think: well the shit im going through is still rough so i don't need to factor in that other people have it worse when considering my own trauma. but the older i get the more it sinks in that compared to most human existences the world has ever seen, mine has been a generally comfortable and uneventful one despite the grief. ive always had food and water and a home and an education and modern conveniences and (relative) freedom a day decent physical health and certain privileges, and they're such important things that have always just been right there for me to access, out of pure luck, not even bc i am more deserving of them than those who have no access to these necessities - and i still never feel good. i still lose my mind all the time and cry basically every day and can't manage to overcome my own pain and loss and mental illness and contempt for the way society is set up. sometimes i just think to myself, if spirits are somehow real, they must look at me and see the weakest most pitiful creature ever lmfao. whew anyway i do completely get and understand your point, and i agree, despite my complicated personal emotions on the topic. i know the present moment has its own legitimate and terrible challenges, and they just seem to get worse by the day, and we probably really r in a special kind of hell when it comes to the progression of late stage capitalism. and just because our urgent needs are currently being met (and who knows how long we can keep that up, like you said, cost of living crisis etc...), doesn't mean our emotional ones are, which can still be debilitating. thats what i would tell anyone else struggling with this feeling, so i get you. i don't know, it's just so hard to cope sometimes. it's so bizarre to feel utterly depressed and slightly lucky at the same time. anyway, thank you for being a friend and a validating voice that i needed to hear. i really appreciate it. love u love u love u ❤️

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Useless vent I guess? TW: suicidal ideations mentions

It's kind of embarrassing to send an ask for that but for years on end I have struggled with just being utterly lazy. I wish I had a strong concrete reason like depression or mental illness but I am simply useless and can't get myself to really try. Each year that passes I'm like "god I wish I had made things easier for myself by simply making more of an effort" but I'm just so exhausted all the time. When I go to college I am tired. When I get a school break I basically hibernate and still end up tired. I could be put into a room with just stuff to entertain myself and food and accept this as my life but I am supposed to do things and every time I miss opportunities because I can't be bothered working. I have exams coming up and have been given 3 weeks to prepare on my own (as in not at school) and I've been rotting in bed all day, completely deregulating my sleeping and eating habits and just scrolling on my phone.

I don't know how people just work so hard. And I don't even necessarily mean elite students but just idk my mom who has to wake up early and sleep late because of her job, people balancing school and a job, or anyone who may not have it as "hard" but are at least put together (sleep and eat well, exercise, work and/or study etc.). Sometimes the fact that I'm so incapable of just doing the simple productive things (go to the library, go for a run, read a book etc.) just makes me want to die. I'm not like super actively suicidal but I'm just always met with my laziness and inaction and at least I live with my parents now but in the future it's gonna be worse and I just wouldn't mind being hit by a car to avoid having to be productive.

Okay this is a mess lol basically I'm a whiny little idiot who just feels like the weight of having to do things in order to advance in life is too much when literally everyone kinda does it to the extent they can. Idk I just wish I was better with navigating the world and simply existing in a less useless manner.

hey anon,

You are not lazy. Clearly something is going on. It's not normal to be tired like that all the time. You are definitely not whiny, nor an idiot, okay? You are struggling. Things can get better. Be kind to yourself.

I hope things get better for you.

Mod Misa

[furbtasticworksofart]

Incoherent Blorbo Rant Incoming

Okay okay so any human whose interacted with me for a second already knows who my favorite human FNaF character is, but I want to elaborate on why even though no one asked.

The reason I find Henry to be such a compelling character is that he is deeply flawed, and remains deeply flawed.

Most interpretations of Michael, have him as the Foxy Bro, and thus, tormented by the knowledge he inadvertently killed his brother. Because of this he tends to be written with a lot of melancholy and self-loathing for what he considers his worst act. But after that, he spends the rest of his life proving he can be a better person, and he wants to do things right. A simple, but effective character arc. Tragic hero making amends for past sins, very classic and easy to follow.

Henry’s character arc is basically about a man falling down a flight of stairs for fourty-odd years.

It has been widely commented on and discussed that Henry, in all canons, is far from the best father. The book trilogy illustrates the best picture of him, but this is also present in the games. LEFT-E, while sometimes interpreted in a more wholesomeway, is canonically a trap implemented with controlled shocks and an inescapable prison to be burned alive in. Book Charlie is abandoned despite being at the exact same emotional intelligence and general being as an actual human child, and also bears witness to his worst apathetic and self-serving tendencies. Oh, and he realllly doesn't care sbout Sammy, at least, not in the same way. His grief has manifested entirely around Charlie, losing her is what led to him becoming more unstable.

And that's the key thing here. Henry, fundamentally, is not a healthy person. He never was. Every read of him and William's relationship just screams toxic codependency, and mental health issues as serious as delusions, seething self-hatred, and apathy towards others, do not exist in a vacuum. We can headcanon a lot about where these traits came from, but overall it paints the picture of a person with underlying mental issues managing to reach a sort of "normalcy" and happiness, only for it to be shattered in heartbreaking detail. And he doesn't know how to deal with that. Though to be fair, I don't know how anyone would.

Now, mental illness does not make you a worse person. Struggling with these issues isn't what makes him so flawed, it's the fact he will callously disregard others, only to feel immense regret upon seeing the consequences of his actions. Then he does it again.

Freddy's has been closed at least four times. You would think, that after Fredbears, he would take a step back, and maybe consider moving on. Letting things go. But he doesn't. He makes more. Then, a tragedy of even greater magnitude, and still, he doesn't stop. The way he talks about the Funtimes, he refers to them as though he played a part in it. Even though, by then, anyone as close to William as him should have seen the glaring red flags. But he can't stop. He cannot stop creating. He has too.

And when things finally fully collapse, he takes a step back, and feels nothing but shame and resentment. Mostly towards himself. And lets that broil over, completely unmoving.

Intense self-hatred is still a form of narcissism. This relapsing into unhealthy patterns, clinging to toxic relationships like a lifeline, gets across one main idea: Henry wants to be a good person. He wants to have a happy family, to enjoy creative freedom and to cherish the few, but strong, relationships he has. But his inability to let go, to focus on the present and how people are doing now, is what fractures those relationships.

When he does try to fix things, he succeeds, in a way. But it took him years. Years of waiting. Of doing nothing. And can letting himself burn with them, truly be considered self-sacrifice? Fazbear Entertainment didn't die with him. And being so intrnt on bringing everyone down with him, left a massive vulnerability for others to exploit.

He's not the villian of this story. But he's certainly, not the hero anyone was hoping for.

[kypossumlady]

All the feels today.

I hung out with Phoenix and rife the other day. It was nice to have friends that understand just being around each other is hanging out. They’re such good people. I love them.

I miss my other friends a lot. Life is busy and loud but I really wish I could have them close on days like today. I don’t talk to Alisha as much as I used to, so that’s a tough feeling. I know she’s a mom now and I know that she’s basically doing everything, so there’s no hate. Just sadness.

I told my parents about the new animals I bought, even tho I knew it would be a shit show. “How are you going to afford them? When are you going to stop?”

Showing the animals to them. “The hawks are going to eat them”

Telling them about the pig. “5! 5 pigs!!”

It’s always been like that. Their worries and constant negative comments weigh me down a lot. I know I have a lot of animals. I see that. I also see that they’re taken care of and happy. (I need to trim hooves tho and no one here will help lol). I will always say my parents raised me the best they knew how but their undiagnosed mental shit fucked me up in more ways than they realize. My anxiety was planted by them, tended to, watered, and nurtured by them my whole life. And then I hear “what are you anxious about? Other people have it worse. Look at the bright side”

Tony struggles with his mental illness too. I’m having a hard time being useful, or at least feeling like it. So I just clean and take care of the animals. It isn’t his fault but I get really sad when I’m feeling happy and talkative and he’s not. He needs his time to recharge and reset. It just feels like Deja vu. Suddenly I’m back in Lexington staring at Cody waiting to see if he was listening and then I’m disheartened when he’s not. He isn’t Cody. I know. It’s just hard to shake that feeling of being this big ass annoyance.

I just don’t know how to feel when I have all of this happy. I can’t handle it. I don’t want to hide it so I don’t. But I feel like I have to hide it unless everyone else is okay too. It’s just hard to not want to be happy when I’ve had so many intrusive and scary thoughts. I feel everything so intensely. It takes a big ass toll.

I’m just really sad tonight. I wish Tony would go to the aquarium with me and rife and p tomorrow. He doesn’t want to, and doesn’t want to really go to the dinner. He says it takes away from his ability to do stuff at the farm. He wasn’t feeling good yesterday and this morning. So I let him sleep and I did too. But he texted me at like 2p and asked why I didn’t come get him and why I let him sleep that long. He said he wasn’t mad at me about it, but he just felt frustrated that he lost a lot of the day. I wish when people said things like that to me, it makes me feel completely guilty for stuff that isn’t even my fault. I knoww it’s my trauma shit to work through but goddamn it. (Tony is amazing in every way. These small things will eventually be communicated).

I start my new job Monday. It’s not a lot of money so that’s a big stressor. But Tony says it’s okay because we can work it all out. So maybe we really can. I won’t have to pay gas as much. I just keep chewing on it over and over and over and

I also realize that angry yelling around me creates so much dread. I try to say something but I feel like it gets brushed off sometimes. I know it’s not at me. It’s just the volume.

Is any of this even valid lmao

I still have chores to do tonight. I have to rebox the bird babes, clean litterboxes, take laundry upstairs and sort, find clothes for tomorrow, take the dogs out. My gummy is kicking in so that will help.

[harbingrs]

Need to recharge, light from the stars Won't really reach anything, will it? Binary capsules of all human culture Science and history and headless sculptures Stories of monkeys and digital religions Like a note on the ankle of the last living pigeon

Bell. he/him. 30ish.

About me:

Bell / Rue

bi²

He/him by default (but any pronouns are fine)

30-ish years old

White & not from the US

Part of a DID system (I don't do syscourse and don't find it relevant)

Disabled (physical and mental)

Sideblogs:

s******s - System sideblog

welcomedtohome - Interiors/aesthetic sideblog

itsgonnabeagreatgiorno - Animal Crossing sideblog

Image ID: A four-panel Peanuts comic featuring Snoopy the beagle typing on a typewriter. Text reads: Gentlemen, I have just completed my new novel. It is so good, I am not even going to send it to you. [Pause] Why don't you just come and get it? End ID.

About this blog:

Mostly reblogs. Tags to look at or block as needed:

Personal posts [#posts]

Music [#music]

Poetry/quotes/etc [#muses]

Disability & chronic illness

Family trauma

Religious trauma [#exvangelical or #ex christian]

Therapy abuse [#therapy abuse or #psych abuse]

More graphic NSFT posts and images are tagged, but suggestive jokes or general references aren't. Basically, I follow the original guideline of "things that may get you in trouble if someone looks over your shoulder at work". This blog is not intended for minors.

If you need something specific tagged (or tagged differently), please let me know directly, as I may not see (or remember) based on your bio.

Important to know:

I have (moral) OCD + ADHD + dissociative memory issues. This impacts things like:

What information I can put on a public bio

What I can and can't reblog/boost/etc

Remembering usernames I shouldn't reblog from

Remembering even 'obviously problematic' artists/bands/etc

Being able to personally add image descriptions to posts

tl;dr - Please be nice enough not to assume the worst. If you have concerns or questions, feel free to send a message or ask (anon is fine)

More detail on what to keep in mind:

I don't have a public DNI or list of my personal ideologies in my bio. I do block people I'm uncomfortable with interacting or following (and yes, that's probably along the lines of 'general DNI criteria'). Nothing is a secret, so if you need to know anything that's not listed here to determine if you're comfortable following me, feel free to send me an ask or message (genuine).

I'm chronically offline, so I'm not involved in online discourse subcultures or in the loop with a lot of things. I'm not involved in system discourse or ship discourse so I'm not 'aligned' with anything. Ditto with knowing who is problematic on Tumblr. I also have significant memory issues and struggle to remember even "obviously problematic" usernames, so if I reblog from someone I shouldn't, just let me know - it's not on purpose.

I can't typically "boost" posts or reblog things because I "should" be talking about them. It doesn't mean I'm not paying attention or don't care. This is not a minor thing where I'm 'prioritising my mental health' so I don't feel sad - this is losing my ability to work/survive because I can't regulate my thoughts/actions and level of engagement. As an example: I can't personally add image IDs to reblogs, because if I start doing it just 'sometimes' or 'when I can', I quickly have to do it all day every day, on every post, even if I'm missing work to do it. Yes, that sounds ridiculous, but OCD is ridiculous. I wish I was in a better place with it - but at this point in my life, I'm not, and I can't 'bootstraps' my way around it because something is important, or the right thing to do (because with moral OCD, that's exactly why it has that effect on me).

Posts and reblogs are grounded in my personal experience - for example, my traumatic experiences with therapy/the psych industry and Christianity. If that isn't your experience, that's okay! Any kind of "anti psych" post is intended to critique the industry as it currently is, and speak honestly about the loopholes and pitfalls that cause it to fail or harm many people, even when it helps some. The goal is not to dissuade people from 'getting help' or remove access for those who find it genuinely helpful. Instead, I think everyone is entitled to a positive, safe experience when seeking support with their mental health - including those who are most vulnerable and/or have stigmatised conditions. -- *If "not remembering" sounds like a copout - things often aren't distinct to me with any certainty. A username will sound familiar, but I don't know how or why. Basically, this disclaimer is here to avoid my brain telling me I need to thoroughly vet the OP of every post I reblog, lest I fall prey to Moral Badness (because believe me, I do not have that kind of free time).