#people with mental illnesses sometimes struggle to do “basic things″ and that’s okay

[honeypleasejustkillme]

some things my mental illnesses prevent me from doing sometimes:

• picking up the phone

• leaving the house

• eating healthy

• exercising

• laughing

• getting dressed

• getting a shower

• being alone

sometimes just doing one of these a day is a victory for me, reblog if you relate, and if you do- i’m proud of you for what you did do today <3

[neysaadept]

🫶🏻💫CONGRATULATIIIONS ON 175!!! 💫🫶🏻

For my request (if you’re comfortable with it!!) :

Reader has been struggling with her mental illness, sometimes weeks go by without any issues but lately it’s been definitely more on the worse side and she tries to put on a brave face but somehow Emily gets through that barrier and to readers surprise isnt disappointed/leaves but stays and offers comfort?

Prompts 18 ‘I’ve got you’ and 20 ‘you don’t seem like yourself tonight’ made me think of this (and maybe my own shitty mental health lately and a hug from Emily would fix so much)(a very self indulgent request)🫣🥹

I know we talked a bit and I hope you enjoy what I came up with. Thank you for celebrating with me and being my first request! I hope you like it,

It's Okay Not to Be Okay

Emily Prentiss x Female BAU Reader

Tags - No use of Y/N, swearing, angst, mental illness themes. Set before anytime Emily faked her death. Minors DNI

Summary - Please refer to the ask for summary!

AO3

Word Count: 1.5k

It’s been rough these last few weeks. With the weather shifting colder and the nights getting longer, your thoughts become difficult to rein in as they quietly turn into a self-imposed emptiness that is near impossible to shake this time of year. You love the Fall leaves, the magical colors of orange, red, and yellow bring a smile to your face on the drive to and from Quantico and it briefly blocks the struggle you’ve become proficient in hiding all these years. And man has it been a challenge the last week to keep it from the BAU. Just had to go and get yourself a job with the best profilers in the country that can sniff out any emotional turmoil. It’s been amazing to learn from these people in the last few months, but one slip up and you’re going to be hounded by questions you really don’t want to answer right now.

So far, so good. No one has guessed you’ve had sleepless nights with masterful use of makeup, and you are skilled in looking busy while getting the minimum work done. You’re clever enough not to rouse suspicion as to why your concentration is off during this downtime. There are piles of paperwork to catch up on since there hasn’t been a case in a while. Not a bad thing, but you know it’s only a matter of time before Hotch will be quickly going over a case and saying, ‘Wheels Up’ and JJ is giving you all the basics on where you’re going.

Currently Hotch is the only member of the group besides you who had declined to go out with the group for dinner. You provided a half-truth that your orientation modules are due soon, gesturing to the screen when called out on this fib, showing six of them unfinished. With the case load the past month, you had no time to complete them and refused to do them at home. HR was fine in pushing back your due date over and over again with Hotch’s approval.

So, did you have to complete them right now? No. But should you? Yes. And was it a brilliant excuse to be anti-social when you just wanted to be alone? Hell yeah.

What you didn’t anticipate is a certain dark-haired profiler that supposedly had left with the team but was walking right into the bullpen. Your brows furrow with confusion but it’s plausible that Emily had forgotten something at her desk. You smile politely which she offers a scrunch of acknowledgement, seemingly pleased you took notice.

What you realize is she was not going to her desk but striding over to yours with cautious purpose.

“Hey,” she offers simply while still heading your way.

What the fuck is this? Your mind startles, panicking why this was happening. Maybe this is work related? But that made no sense. Why the hell would she want to talk about work since everyone was adamant not to do that and go out for a casual dinner with the group. You think back if you offended her in some way but that’s a joke. You’ve been getting along well with everyone despite the current arms-length approach you are taking right now. Before your mood shifted, you were trying to get on Emily’s radar more often since you were low key crushing on her. Who wouldn’t? She was an attractive woman with intelligent brown eyes, and it was a privilege to hear her mind work during a case – piecing all the intricate puzzles together for the profile. She encouraged you to be the best at work and made this place feel less like a job and more like a home away from home.

Okay, okay. Relax. Just breathe.

You lean back in your chair and play it cool despite the spiraling thoughts. “Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to dinner?”

She takes a half seat against your desk and crosses her arms as she faces you. “Took a raincheck on them and came to collect you.”

Your confusion is evident, and you point the pen in your hand at the computer screen. “Nothing’s changed. I still have modules-“

“-to do, yeah. I know.” She tilts her head studying you. “But I thought I could entice you out anyway.”

You felt your chest briefly clenching with the realization that Emily stayed behind for you. It’s only been a couple of months since you two first met. Why the hell would she have a reason to give a shit about you. You don’t deserve this kindness, and you certainly don’t want to bring her down with your bullshit.

It was difficult to maintain contact with the sincerity in her eyes, but you fight through it to put up a wall of feigned strength. “That’s really nice of you, but I’m good.” Her eyes widen in challenge and you half smile. “Really. You should go.” You wave off towards the elevators. “Catch up with the team and have a nice night.”

“I could, and I will,” she says, you start to believe that she’s going to take your suggestion. Yet that isn’t what happens at all. “But I think I’ll have a better night hanging out with you.”

You lock eyes with her and are unable to quell the quickening pace of your breathing.

Fuck.

“I … I uh, don’t understand.” Your attempt to cover up your anxiety fails.

“I think you do.” She softly speaks your name with gentle eyes. “You don’t seem like yourself tonight.” She watches as you deeply frown and knows she touches a nerve as you cross your arms. “Or if I’m being honest? For quite a while.

Your response is jumping into action and shutting down your workstation with haste. You wanted to get out of here, run away and not have to deal with feeling so raw because of Emily.

Fucking profilers.

But before you can stand, a hand touches yours still on the keyboard and you freeze. You don’t dare look up because you’re too focused on Emily’s hand atop yours. How the weight of it was so light, but so profound, that it kept you grounded.

“You don’t have to be alone in whatever you’re going through.” Her voice is a source of comfort trying to halt your escape, coaxing you to stay and listen. It works perfectly.

Then in another shocking move, Emily squeezes your hand. You tentatively shift your eyes towards her which elicits a smile from Emily. “And I don’t even have to know what’s going on. But at least consider coming with me. Maybe forget what’s going on in your head for a bit. Or if you want to talk, we can.”

You try to fight and fail the trembling of your lips. Your eyes begin to betray you, wet with unshed tears that you are trying valiantly to force away. The simple kindness and lack of judgement makes your heart ache that Emily was doing this for you, that you were undeserving of her attention. She should be out with the rest of the team, not wasting her time here with you.

The guilt hits you hard and you choke back a sob, forcing your free hand to cover your mouth with embarrassment.

“Hey …” Emily says your name again as she slides closer to you and begins stroking the top of your hand with her thumb. “It’s okay. It’s okay to feel this way …”

Your laugh was joyless, and you respond crankily. “Sure, it is.” You want to push her away. You deserve to be lonely, yet you allow Emily’s hand to slide up your arm before it squeezes your shoulder. Your chest clenches when you look away and your eyes clamp shut as tears dare to break free. Your teeth grind to stave off the rumble threatening to erupt into a scream. You feel you’re going to lose the fight and break down when Emily stands up from the desk and tugs you up with her.

“Come here,” she coaxes gently.

You sigh and finally look up at her to find nothing but patience in those brown eyes. In your moment of weakness, you allow yourself to lose yourself in them. You feel undeserving of her time, but also feel lucky that someone like Emily was trying so hard with you. So, you stand and immediately when you are on your feet, she pulls you into an embrace. The hand on yours slips under your arm to connect with the other that goes over the opposite shoulder. She tests the waters and tightens the hold when you don’t tense or try to pull away.

“It’s okay,” she says again as you start to sag into her arms, pressing your bodies together more fully. “I’ve got you…”

And as you ultimately give in to vulnerability, perhaps Emily does have you, and she will help you find a way to dig yourself out the depression that has resurfaced. And maybe, just maybe, you won’t have to keep struggling by yourself this time around ... or the next.

[most-datable-datable-bracket]

ROUND 5 MATCH 3

Elliott propaganda:

“Just look at him. Pure hunk energy.”

“I will punch anyone who dislikes him. He’s like a fire emblem character in the modern day. He’s so flamboyant and handsome, he can play the piano and he’s best friends with the old fishing man!”

“dramatic writer man with sexy hair”

"Since I like elliott. I will state some reasons why I like him

Imagine if Mr. Darcy didn’t insult your family first time you met him, that’s Elliott. The man who’s basically the hallmark romance love interest. He’s a writer who moves to the small town in the country side to find inspiration for his writing. Then he finds the farmer.

He has a crab living in his pocket

He can play the piano (hopefully it isn’t the river flows in you however)

His fans sometimes hc him as a merman and that’s just a major plus IMO

He genre of the book he writes is dependent on what genre you say you like.

He also sends letters to you if you marry him

Okay and also some things I dislike

His liked gifts, the easiest one is pomegranates, which cost like 6000g to grow a tree if you don’t pick the fruit cave. I AM NOT GETTING SQUID INK IN YEAR ONE FOR YOU.

he might be British /j

The fact he has no kitchen but still likes food like lobster, like he is just a mystery. Lives in a cabin, with no kitchen, no washroom (okay no character has a washroom), but still likes the most fancy food out there and has luscious hair worthy of a L’Oréal ad.

Gifting him on rainy days when you don’t have two hearts"

Dimitri propaganda:

“He's chivalrous, he's blood thirsty, all rolled up into one package and calling you "his beloved". Get you a man who can do both.”

“My husband <3 He's schizophrenic just like me and I love him for that.”

"First, look at him. No disrespect to the monster lovers, but even if blonde, blue-eyed hunks aren't your thing, you can't deny that Dimitri is very pretty.

Second, one of the things I love most about Dimitri is how self aware he is of his privilege as a prince (or king) and how seriously he treats the gravity of his position. He has a strong sense of duty and wants to be a good leader who listens to and provides for the needs of all of his people. This includes the citizens of Duscur, who were nearly wiped out by his own countrymen in (mistaken) retaliation for his father's murder. His commitment to righting this wrong is one of his primary goals in life.

Third, while he is more than capable of crushing a man's skull with his bare hands, under normal circumstances he absolutely wouldn't. A large part of the reason why his fall is so shocking and devastating to witness is because by the time he snaps, we know that Dimitri is actually a kind and gentle soul who hates violence and understands that even his enemies are human. Even at his worst point he still recognizes this, which feeds into his extreme self loathing. He extends compassion and forgiveness to others but struggles mightily to allow himself any forbearance for his own mistakes. He's kind quite literally to a fault, as his empathy is both his greatest strength AND his biggest flaw and I find that as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking."

"Okay first for all the "he needs therapy haha funny" (and its annoying corollary "I can fix him") comments, 1) don't we all? And 2) you can't romance him til end game when he is in a much healthier place due to his own choice to change his priorities and the support of you and his friends. He battles daily with severe mental illness in a repressed society that doesn't talk about it. And on multiple occasions tells people that it is okay to feel your feelings and offers support despite his own struggles (I include that bc that is a date able trait to me). If he's not your fave that's cool, but leave the ableist language out of it pretty please 💙💙 Okay reasons he should be your boyfriend now!!

He calls you his beloved and wants to hold your hand 🥺

His happiest moments in game are when you smile

And in conclusion, he is shaped like a dorito and has a huge cloak to snuggle you up in"

[ghostsandfools]

Gemini is so neurodivergent I don't know how nobody's talking about it.

OKAY, strap in, this one's gonna be long, and it's gonna be ranty, and I'm going to do it anyways.

Gemini is probably my favorite character... EVER. They are so perfect, I love them so much, I will die on this hill. They are the one constant for me. In this crazy, overly controversial fandom, in this crazy, overly controversial world, we all have one thing we can count on: Gemini. AND THEY GET SO LITTLE SCREENTIME! But that's not why I'm here.

So, almost everyone in TSBS has signs of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. This is not new. But I really wanna get into it with Gemini because I feel like nobody cares enough about them!

So, I'm going to split this up into parts. One for Pollux, one for Castor, and one for Gemini. Just to make it easier. LET'S GO!

Pollux:

So, Pollux. The first signs start to show with her when she was first introduced. She's hyper, she's unfocused, she's friendly, she's all over the place. These are very stereotypical, very basic signs of ADHD. HOWEVER, I actually DON'T think she has ADHD. I think she's just hyper sometimes. ADHD is much more that just being a little off the walls, it's a genuine disability that makes it difficult to focus or remember things, and I feel like if you dig deeper, that's not what's going on with her.

I do think that she's neurodivergent, however, in some capacity. Probably autism. I think her and Castor both have autism actually, but I'll get in to him later.

First of all, hyperactivity can also be a sign of autism. And while, when she first comes to Earth it seems as though she can't focus on any specific thing, I think that's because she's focused on Earth as a whole, explaining her interest in anything on Earth. I think learning about and exploring Earth might be one of her special interests, or maybe just exploring planets in general.

Now, the next point might just be due to technical issues, but maybe not. Pollux and Castor both have pretty blank faces, and don't have very many emotes. It may have just been a problem with their 3d modelling, so not the strongest point, but neurodivergent people and people on the spectrum often have difficulty with facial expressions, something I've also struggled with.

Pollux definitely has less neurodivergent coding than Castor does, but I think it's still there.

Castor:

Castor. I don't even know where to start with him.

When Castor was first introduced, he was very unexpressive and monotone, already a symptom of neurodivergency.

He also struggles socially, more so than Pollux. While Pollux was over-bearing, she had no trouble making friends once the chance arose. Castor, on the other hand, was perceived by most of the main cast as "creepy" or "rude", which hits closer to home than I want to admit.

But, over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that he only wants what's best. He doesn't intend to be terse, or rude, or weird, he's just never interacted with anyone that wasn't a star before.

Pollux seemed to adjust well to the environment on Earth once she learned more about the people there, but it seems Castor struggled a lot more with adapting in a new environment.

Castor is also a very private person. He has hobbies and emotions and thoughts, but he keeps them all to himself. Of course, after a while of spending time with Lunar, he starts to speak his mind more, which eventually led up to the last episode we saw him in where he yelled at Lunar for killing Eclipse. Still, I find it interesting that it took an extreme situation like that for him to finally speak his mind.

Gemini:

Gemini <3

Pollux and Castor work extraordinarily well together. They are THE siblings of all time, I love them.

I'm going to delve into headcanons for a minute here, but I feel like the other astrals don't like them very much. We never hear Gemini really talk about the other astrals, aside from basic details.

I feel like, after living with people for your entire life, your SIBLINGS, and those being the ONLY people you interacted with, you'd have some fond memories of them.

But they don't. And even now, there's tension between Gemini and the rest of the astrals. They clearly stand out. The other astrals seem to not take them seriously, and don't exactly listen to them. I feel like, from that recent scene from Taurus, maybe the other astrals, at least some of them, actively DISLIKE Gemini.

This may be why they're so unused to socially interacting on Earth. They probably spent very little time with their siblings, especially considering Nebula's existence. Maybe their siblings didn't visit them at all. That thought makes me sad.

Feeling outcasted is commonplace for neurodivergent people, as well as being perceived wrong.

Closing thoughts: Okay, I might be projecting here. I'm not sure. As someone who is neurodivergent, I identify with Gemini harder than any other fictional character. They're so special. I don't know if I'm picking up on subtext that isn't there, but if you have any thoughts, please share. I wanna know what you guys think.

[hierophantmeme]

Insomnia yap sesh for the night:

(It starts off a little angsty at first but I promise it gets light-hearted in the end)

I have such low self-esteem that I often tell myself that all of the fictional characters I like wouldn’t like me in real life. Like I feel like Sanji wouldn’t even like me, and that’s saying something. But the 2 characters that make me forget about all that are Corazón from One Piece & Goemon from Lupin the Third.

I struggle with mental illnesses, I’m neurodivergent, I have chronic pain, and basically I need to be factory resetted and put into rice or something. I’ve never been in a relationship irl and feel like I never will because who would want someone with so much to physical and emotional pain… but you know who would? Donquixote Rosinante, of course.

His whole thing was quite literally helping out and caring for someone with physical and emotional pain. I sometimes feel like I’m a burden to my family and I wouldn’t want a romantic partner to have to worry about me constantly, but that wouldn’t even cross Corazón’s mind. If something ails you, he will find a way to make you feel better no matter what, even if it means sacrificing his own time and energy.

He would love you for you, and will take loving you “in sickness and in health” VERY seriously.

Similarly, Goemon Ishikawa XIII would LITERALLY move mountains and slice the moon in half for you. He’s super old-fashioned so he might be a little overbearing but if you let him know whether you’re okay with that or not, he’ll respect your wishes nonetheless.

He definitely doesn’t seem to be the type to care about looks and would be more attracted to personality more than anything. I also sometimes think I’m annoying because of my ADHD but if I headcanon that Lupin and Murasaki both have ADHD, then I’d like to think that he’d be very patient and wouldn’t mind it at all. If he likes working with Lupin & the one person he nearly married out of all the ladies he’s been with was Murasaki, then maybe Goemon wouldn’t mind if someone just happened to be a little different than others. He knows people already think he’s a little different because of how he acts and dresses (and also cause he may be autistic) so why would it matter what other people think about his partner.

As long as you’re true to who you are and you’re willing to understand his ways (as he’s open to understanding yours even if it may be out of his comfort zone at times), Goemon would be completely enamored by you.

I hope that one day, I find myself someone like Corazón or Goemon. And if you like either of these characters or both and have yet to find that special someone, I hope that when you do that whoever that may be is as wonderful and caring as these two silly goofballs 🥺❤️.

[nozomi-kaizoku]

One thing that genuinely pisses me off is how my dad will constantly point out me, my sister, and my mom's shortcomings and be so quick to blame us for it, yet when we point out his shortcomings that are genuinely harmful, all of a sudden he's "being invalidated", and that we "hurt his feelings" and shit, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HOW WE FEEL EITHER WHICH FUCKING SUCKS!

Literally just today my parents were arguing about how my mental health was affecting my ability to attend school, and he's over there saying "oh, we should put [him] in a boarding school", "[he]'s doing this on purpose" yap yap yap, basically blaming me for all of this shit. (I put m pronouns in the brackets cause he was misgendering me the whole time btw)

And then I go an step out to get something, he calls me over, and basically just starts shaming me (in front of my mom an sister btw) for getting suspended and sharing how I feel about mr. Gonzales n shit, and when my mom tried to explain and elaborate on something to him, he completely blew her off.

And my mom (bless her heart btw) was literally trying to defend this asshole because she loves him, like a lot, and I feel bad that she has to put up with this tbh.

"he didn't know, he's trying his best" Not only does he know, HE'S SAYING THESE THINGS IN THE MOST DEGRADING MATTER POSSIBLE JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUSPENDED, AND I JUST SJFJKFHERUFERFHR /NEG

Also, I accidentally bought $20 worth of shit on Thursday because he gave me his credit card to buy a soda, and he got in trouble for letting me go out and spend that much, and instead of holding himself accountable, he decides to drag it to today (TWO DAYS LATER) and complain about him "being thrown under the bus", like I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE THE 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF MYFINACIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE MENTALLY ILL ASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO STOP ME.

and oh man am I getting genuinely tired of his fucking trauma dumping.

He talks about how his mental health and how angry he is at something, yet when we have the AUDACITY to try and talk about how WE feel, instead of taking the time to listen and understand, he basically dismisses us and does this thing I personally call "fake praising" (which is basically when he gives someone praise but it's in such a condescending and almost sarcastic tone to where it doesn't feel like genuine praise at all), and even straight up invalidates us n shit, it's fucking infuriating man.

And the fucked up part? whenever my mom does these things, all of a sudden it's this horrible abusive thing and that he's a selfish bitch, which upsets me because unlike him, she doesn't have as much control over it (though she's working on it), and both she and I have BPD, which makes this even more fucked up because he's so quick to judge us for the same shit he does just because we have a mental illness we can't control.

It infuriates me so much how he's quick to dismiss other people's struggles and sometimes tell them it's their fault, and then the minute he receives ANY amount of criticism against genuinely shitty actions, all of a sudden he's a victim?? FUCK THAT!

I'd say he has a big ego and it's becoming an issue, but i don't want to give the NPD community any shit (since they already got so much stigma on their hands), and I'm not gonna say he's faking any of this either, cause that's not okay, but he REALLY heeds to get a therapist to talk to instead of dumping his issues on the rest of his family.

OH! did I forget to mention he makes weird comments bout my body without my consent anytime I dress alternatively, and he's told me in the past that I have an "athlete's body"? Yeah, kind of weird..

He does ALL of this, and yet still wonders why I hate him.

man is it infuriating...

EDIT: forgot to mention that he doesn't even go to my appointments, nor has he even MET my therapist, or any of that shit, so he has no right to even talk about my mental health like that.

Also, he's extremely invasive about how my medications are working and if I took them n shit, and he says it's "so I can know if my coworker Brian can be prescribed them".

like first off the medications working bit is something for my doctor to ask, not you, second off, I get if you're reminding me, but for you to basically come at me and yell at me for not taking them and then acting like I got angry because I didn't take those medications because "I can tell that you're off them", and third off, if Brian really wanted to talk about my medications so that he can speak with his doctor about it, he should talk with me directly so that he can know first hand how it works and what the side effects are, he doesn't need to have my dad (who has no knowledge about mental health medications whatsoever) come and ask invasive questions about my medications and risk spreading harmful misinformation that's gonna get him killed.

Let's just say I'm probably gonna have him talk to my therapist on my behalf so that he actually, yknow, LEARNS NOT TO BE A FUCKING DICK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM??

[devilsskettle]

okay can i say something. it is actually very troubling to me that adhd is considered a “trendy” diagnosis, people were saying it was over-diagnosed when i was a child (including doctors which was why i was never assessed as a child despite my parents and multiple teachers having concerns that i showed symptoms but w/e) but now it’s only gotten worse with how it’s talked about on the internet and i think on one hand it’s this boogeyman threat that all kinds of kids are self diagnosing just out of like some kind of ego or clout thing or as an excuse to be lazy which i actually don’t think is what’s happening but also i do think a lot of people are pathologizing behaviors that are within the spectrum of “normal” neurotypical behavior and attributing them to autism or adhd (and not even distinguishing between autism or adhd anymore? like it’s one thing to apply an umbrella term of neurodivergence but what is an “audhd” trait like i feel like i understand where that idea came from wrt solidarity among people with overlapping symptoms or people who are diagnosed with both but it has gotten out of hand i believe. i can hardly find anything in internet spaces about adhd specifically, it’s all about general neurodivergence or actually just autism even though it’s being tagged as #adhd for exposure like???? that’s not helpful lmao and don’t even get me started on casually using “the tism” as a way to describe AGAIN just basically normal neurotypical behaviors that people find cringe arbitrarily or like. having interests lol). but anyway it’s again like the same thing that happened with depression and anxiety, people were trying to actually make progress and destigmatize those disorders so that people could have better access to treatment and not feel ashamed for something they can’t control about how their brain works but then people decided it made you more interesting so then a lot of people say they have mental health issues (and many do! i don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience but i also have to recognize that being depressed and/or anxious WAS something that people propped up for clout or something idk) but then there’s still so much judgment for severe symptoms and how it affects people’s lives like as soon as you say it’s hard to take care of yourself, it’s hard to shower and brush your teeth, it’s hard to do anything because it’s hard to care about anything, it’s like nooooo you’re just not trying hard enough! i’m depressed and i get up at 5 am every day and do a 3 hour workout, shower, and eat a full breakfast, pack a full lunch, go to my 9-5, come home and read an entire book and cook a whole dinner and wash all the dishes and do laundry, then go to bed at 8 pm! if i can do it so can you!! actually you just need to buy the right products so you can be happy because that’s what all the health wellness fitness influencers are selling these days. anyway i think now we’re all bored of depression and anxiety because those aren’t they “actually bad” mental illnesses, those are the mental illnesses that everybody already has so you can’t get clout or sell anything to people anymore based on a mood disorder, you have to have a personality disorder or be neurodivergent to REALLY be suffering and therefore interesting (btw if being depressed or anxious affects your life in any way we will beat you to death with hammers). and it sucks because the things they tell you when they decide you don’t have adhd when you think you probably have adhd are TRUE like everybody finds some things difficult and tedious, everybody runs a little behind schedule sometimes, everybody struggles to keep up on their responsibilities, but we all have to do what we’re supposed to do because we’re adults and excuses aren’t gonna cut it anymore. but when you go but wait i think my inability to do certain things is really holding me back in my life and everyone else seems to be able to do these things (even if they “don’t want to do them” they still can do them with far less effort than it seems to take me?) they go hahaha you stupid little girl,

(character limit paragraph break) you’re actually just stupid and lazy and also so very stupid for thinking you have some magical special thing wrong with your brain that makes you bad at things, you just need to try harder like hmmmm where have i heard that one before. oh yeah when i was ripping up my legs every night of my teenage life because i wanted to kill myself without having to kill myself and nobody cared that i was sad because everyone was sad and everyone wanted to kill themselves how dare you want anyone to give a shit don’t you know that they’re more sad than you? it’s not a competition though don’t invalidate anyone else’s feelings!! until you finally have to admit what’s happening and go to a doctor and when antidepressants aren’t helping like you need them to it’s just why don’t you get a job! why don’t you have a job yet! i’m obviously the only person in the whole world who has told you that you need to get a job, i’m very smart i’m a doctor and i diagnose you with not trying hard enough. you’re depressed because you don’t have routine, all those years of your life when you were depressed within the structure of school were a fluke, lack of routine is actually the problem. yeah i’m sooo sure. anyway i guess i just feel like it’s so obvious to me that i have been depressed, it’s so obvious to me that i have adhd, i have a family history of it, i have a personal history throughout my childhood of adults recognizing symptoms, i am experiencing real concrete symptoms with real concrete consequences, i am so scared that i will not be able to have a good or even just livable life if i can’t get this under control, but i’m so EMBARRASSED that i might be “self diagnosing” and i’m wrong and i’m trying to make myself feel more special or give myself an excuse to be a fuck up and i’m just another dumb gen z girl falling for all the terminally online misinformation bullshit, and even if i’m not, other people will see me that way including doctors who i have had bad experiences with already about being very unkind and dismissive wrt my mental health concerns. IF they don’t see me as a drug seeker first which to be fair i don’t think i would give that impression upfront but i have had a history of substance abuse that might not look good if they knew about that and a big part of why i’d want to be diagnosed is so that i could be medicated but you can’t actually say that because then they think you just want to get high. i’m done with my pill popping phase i promise!!! but if i’m not being medicated then that means i will just have to brute force my way through my symptoms until i burn out again which is what i do anyway.

and the other thing is whenever i tell people i feel like this they’re always just like nooooo i don’t think so. i don’t get that vibe from you. like okay thank you doctor for that astute observation that i don’t have the “vibe” of an actual disorder. is it perhaps because i am quiet and soft spoken? is it because i try really really hard not to show any unpalatable emotions in public and lie constantly to make it seem like i have my shit together? is it because i spend all my energy on the things that other people can see and judge while my own space at home and personal responsibilities constantly fall to the wayside? is it because i seem smart and you think people with adhd are dumb? i actually feel dumb, really fucking dumb, all the time, and despite people telling me that i “seem smart” they treat me like i’m fucking dumb anyway so what is the truth.

anyway this isn’t anything i haven’t felt for years and years but every time i am facing the real possibility of failure, every time i am scrambling for a solution to a situation i put myself in again, every time i miss out on chances to do something fun or just take a break from all the work and all the busyness of my life rn because i still have work that i need to do that should’ve been done already, it all comes back up because i can’t decide if it really is just my fault and i’m fucking stupid and lazy and evil, or if there actually is something wrong with my brain and i could get help for it and not everyone feels this way so someday i might not have to either or at least i can understand why i do, or a combination of both like yeah it’s my fault but i shouldn’t feel as bad about it as i do because there is actually something wrong with me also and i just have to work a little bit harder than other people. but it’s hard when it’s like. do i actually have to work harder than other people or do i just want an excuse for not doing better? but also like my mom was very successful in her life without being diagnosed with adhd until she was in her 60s so regardless of whether or not i also have adhd, i really am a lazy piece of shit because i can’t do what she did. but. also. i’m bad at school that doesn’t necessarily mean i’m bad at everything in the whole world. sigh idk idk maybe before my last semester starts i can get evaluated? but it’s embarrassinggggg like if i do have adhd then i have to do something about it and that’s its own can of worms especially since there’s medication shortages and all of that but if i don’t have adhd then i’m just stupid and lazy and WRONG like damn i really don’t want to be told that i’m wrong but if i’m so attached to the idea of having adhd then how can i know that i’m thinking about it clearly without bias? i’ve gone back and forth about this so many times though like at some point i need to do something about it. but anyway i think it’s a really unfortunate time in our culture to be thinking about trying to address suspecting that you have adhd when people are so predisposed to thinking you’re faking it or delusional or too online or something. like i can’t even imagine going to get evaluated without upfront having to tell the doctor hey. i don’t trust you. i think you’re going to fuck me over. i feel defensive because i feel like you’re going to judge me or dismiss me completely but i’m going to be 100% honest with you about my experiences hoping that i’m wrong about you. i want to believe that you want to help me, i want to believe you have no external motivations other than trying to figure out what’s going on with me, your patient, as an individual, not as part of some kind of internet trend, but as someone who is facing challenges and wants to find the tools to address them. and i really really really want that to be the case for real if i spend all kinds of time and energy to get into an evaluation i want it to have some payoff in my life even if they have to point me in a different direction

and before you ask YES i’m procrastinating something right now, YES i’m actually procrastinating multiple things, YES some of those things are pretty important and may have real consequences in my life, but YES i am sitting here writing this stupid post instead. and YES when i am done writing this, the shame of wasting so much time writing this will probably shame my brain into focusing on something that i need to get done but YES i need to completely finish this thought before i can do anything else. yes i am deeply embarrassed that this is how my brain works but this is literally why i think i have adhd i’m not trying to get out of doing this because i have adhd i’m not gonna be telling my professor or anybody that my shit is late again because i have adhd because for all intents and purposes on paper i do not have adhd and i would not be trying to wriggle out of this assignment anyway but alas i do think there’s an explanation for why this pattern exists in my life but again i’m not telling anybody but the void maybe someday i can look back at these vent posts and know that i’m not actually crazy or stupid but then again crazy and stupid people typically don’t think they’re crazy or stupid either, right? whatever maybe i should just give up. quit school quit my job stop talking to my family live off the grid and die without ever having to think about this stupid shit ever again

[push-urtemprr]

✰[ Introduction !! ] ✰

(revamp a bit)

Collectively we go by D!! Our pronouns change pretty frequently depending who's fronting but mainly They/them as a safe option!!

Anyway this is our first system focused blog, we've been thinking about doing this for about two ish years? Now we're finally doing it because — well, this is a really lonely disorder, it's hard making friends because there's so many things that can go wrong/will go wrong/half of the time we struggle a lot mentally.

We just really want to meet people who are nice to us, y'know? We don't really care about system discourse, or system drama unless it's awareness for something genuinely horrible, so please don't bring that to us.

✰[ Before you follow !! ] ✰

Our account is 18+. We are severely mentally ill and chronically ill, and we're not perfect and majority of the time we can't even decipher who is fronting or feel good enough to put energy into certain things. Due to our IRL situations we might have dark themes here/vents, please keep yourself safe when viewing our account. This account is for us to meet new friends and stop being scared of people. We have dry humor sometimes, energies fluctuate a lot, please be mindful and interact with caution/care with us. We will soft block if we don't feel safe interacting. We'll probably use tone indicators so please use them for us!

✰[ Do Not interact !! ] ✰

We have a basic dni, but please Do Not interact if you are here to spread hate, misinformation, ableist towards mentally & physically, discourse, system discourse, unnecessary drama (spreading awareness is 100% okay and encouraged), M@p/P3do or exploiting of minors, e_dblr or s_hblr or anything that is harmful. This may be updated in the future.

✰[ collective interests & ending info !! ] ✰

we're big fans of EPIC: the musical, 8485, Femtanyl, stardew valley, web fishing, Minecraft, Fortnite, rocket League, and some more probably.

yeah,, that's really it!! Thanks for reading,,

Sign off tags::

🩷 🪽 : she/they

💿🔪 : shx/ex/it

🔪 🐇 : itz/she

no sign off— D: they/it

[anxietywriter]

Characters with a Bad Childhood

Is your character meant to be traumatized? Wanna spice it up a little to give their backstory a bit more depth??? Here's a list of things that a character could have if they come from a family that was abusive (emotionally or physically) or maybe they just didn't have parents that were emotionally invested in them and the effects of that when they grow up. Just a few things! If you really wanna go in depth about it then, as always, do your research and fall into a rabbit hole of google searches!

TW: Abuse, Trauma, & Mental Illness

Not knowing basic self-care or things about how to properly take care of their body (specifically for women, maybe they don't know how to exfoliate after shaving/waxing, maybe they don't know how to effectively deal with period cramps. For men, maybe they were never taught how to shave their face or how to deal with their emotions, good or bad)

their life revolves around wanting to do things that should be within their control. Like cooking a new dish they saw on the internet or decorating their room the way they want or how they want to dress/do their hair. It's a constant battle of what they want to do versus what everyone wants of them or expects of them.

See them? They hold so much rejection anxiety. So much. They will never make the first move ever. Whether that's asking a friend for their number or asking to hang out or even texting first, a lot of the time they will wait. Because they'd rather not do anything than face rejection from a person they tried to reach out to.

Learning how to cope with whatever trauma or other mental illness they have from their experiences. And doing it badly or slipping up sometimes but still trying. Whether that is repeating positive affirmations to themselves or listening to music or writing in a journal or fidgeting. They are trying to heal.

They will flinch more than a regular person at any sudden movements near them if they've been physically abused. It's not even something that they necessarily notice that they do until someone points it out.

Struggling to speak up or be assertive. Like not even just when having to order food but just in their normal speech always being kind of quiet. It can definitely be a bit of an issue if they're doing a speech or if they just need to speak to a larger group in general. They just tend to be a quiet person. It's part of why they always seem so calm or timid. They hardly, if ever, raise their voice let alone yell.

They are so starved for touch or attention. They absolutely plaster themselves against someone or are constantly wearing something warm or fuzzy. Anytime they do get attention from another living being, absolutely happy. Little puppy moment, might even start blabbering on about whatever they're doing that day. If that living thing is their pet? Does not matter that the pet can't understand, they're happily chatting about what they're going to do and all of their feelings.

They hate anger. Like not just being angry but also hearing other people being angry. Not just yelling but also the kind of terse mumbling and swears. It makes them instantly uneasy. Uncomfortable. They may not look for an exit necessarily, but they will look away and seem small and try to avoid engaging with that person for the moment.

Alternatively, silence can be uncomfortable for them. Too many memories of a quiet dinner table populated with warning glares and the ugly sound of silverware against plates. Of a quiet house with no one but then in it. So they always have something playing, whether that be music or a video. Something's always playing, just some background noise. To make them feel less alone and also to remind them that they're okay now.

Especially for emotional abuse, questioning if it was ever *really* abuse. Being gaslighted and told "Well, you never got hit" as a way to discount that experience. Doubting themselves because even though people talk about abuse and everything like it's always different. Sometimes it's the "I'm so sorry, I promise to never do it again. I was just angry." or it's the way no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and continually praises the other person for being such a "hard worker" and "good person" and how you should be "grateful." it's not as obvious sometimes as everyone makes it seem.

[exitthedoughnut]

Particle Accelerator // Marvel

About Me and My Writing

Hi, you can call me Malibu (or w/e floats thine boat). I'm in my late twenties, my pronouns are she/her. I am both queer myself and obviously queer friendly. I'm not always consistently around due to both some environmental circumstances and personal struggles (it's the mental illness).

My writing style is third person present tense. I do have the ability to write in past tense if present tense bothers you. I can write anywhere from 200 words to about 3,000 (I don't measure in paragraphs as I play a little fast and loose with the definition of "paragraph" aksjdfhg).

While I don't expect you to mirror/length-match me, I am asking for someone who is comfortable writing detailed, literate posts. Not every post has to be 800w, I often dip low in my word count during dialogue heavy scenes. And I'm not asking for perfect spelling every time, lord knows I have a myriad of typos and I don't re-read my posts when I get excited. But I'm asking for the basics.

I am not caught up on the MCU. I just watched Multiverse of Madness last week, which is about where I'm at. I'll have a more comprehensive list of what I do and don't know a little later in the post.

The Rules

Since I'm in my late-late twenties, I'm looking for someone who is at least 23 themselves, but it'd be even better if you were 25+

In this house we double. If you don't know what doubling means, it means that I write both my character and who you want me to write for you, and you write your character and who I want you to write for me. It's a fairness thing derived from the old days of "canon x oc is SO selfish and unfair" which is why old farts like me say it's for "balancing" or "tit for tat" or whatever, since I've seen a lot of confused people lately. If I'm asking for canon x oc, it's only right I offer the same (or whatever it is you want) in return. Something I am completely capable of, I don't know why people make such a big deal out of lying on their fainting couch and claiming they can't do two sets of characters at once. Especially when they're totally okay with writing out background characters at the same time??

I will even triple for you, if you're in the market for a love triangle or a polyam OT3. You do not in any way have to triple in return, in fact I'd prefer if you didn't.

I also am completely comfortable writing as much space filling NPCs and canons as we need. I never let a scene go empty, and I'm happy to write surrounding characters. In fact I do it automatically. Sometimes people are surprised by this. I used to admin group roleplays.

At this time I am not looking for any NSFW content in my roleplays. I fade to black, and I won't be bullied into doing otherwise. (Dick jokes and talking about the fact adults do fuck is fine though, fading to black doesn't mean instant prude status)

I am however alright with like, a bit of violence. About Witcher 3's level is as far as I'm comfortable going: Fights can get messy as a treat if we want, we just don't need to go body horror with the organs, right?

Limits: Are very important, do not forget them. I do not want drugs, alcohol, smoking, vaping, or substance abuse to feature in or out of character. I don't want to see memes about it, I don't want to write about it. Nothing. I should not have to justify this, but my hobby and the dms of people I hope to be friends with is literally the only place I can ask to be a safe space. Because it is everywhere. I'm not judging people, I don't care what you do. I just don't want to hear about it, because I can't escape it anywhere else. I also am not wild about sexual assault, or the community's standard limits list of: pedophilia, incest, bestiality, etc. Leave all of that at the door, thank you. Rule number one of the salon is don't be nasty and you know that!

The mediums I use are: Discord and Email (I'm not keen on writing here on tumblr, but I'd be happy to idk, make a private Proboard or something?)

New rule: Please do not show me AI art of your character. Don't use an AI generator about it if you plan to write with me. Find a picrew or a dress up doll or some random picture on Pinterest. Hell just give me a paragraph description if you have to.

When you message me, do not just ask for my Discord or my Email. Do not just ask if I'm still looking, don't just say hey. The first message is a first impression, make it a good one. Tell me about yourself, tell me who you want me to write for you, what you're thinking, if you're picking up what I am putting down. Put some personality into it: This isn't a job, it's a hobby, it should sound like it when you talk to me. In this same vein, I'd prefer said first impressions are conducted over email, but messaging me on tumblr is fine too I suppose

Characters and "Plots"

First of all, in regards to sexuality / gender / canon / oc identities, everything is peachy keen! M/F, F//, M//, Trans, NB, Canon/OC, Canon//, OC// are all fine by me ♡

My side will be M/F Canon/OC, but you are welcome to request anything you would like. This is Build-A-Bitch and you can, in fact, have it your way.

My side is also M/F in a distinctly queer way. My OC is under the ace umbrella, as well as someone who doesn’t entirely conform to gender, so take that as you will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I will make you an OC, I will play multiple Canons for you, you can write as any gender identity or sexuality as you please. Just rub the lamp and make your wish! I will write almost any Canon for you, barring noted exceptions.

That out of the way, here's what I'm looking for!

I am looking for you to write: Tony Stark against my OC. I would particularly love to write for you: Steve, Bucky, Quill, Peter (Parker, MCU or Insomniac), Rocket (I will not make him a human), Drax, Stephen, Sam, Yuri (Watanabe, Insomniac), May (MCU), Mantis, Quentin Beck (Insomniac), Yelena, Natasha, Agatha, damn near anyone your gay heart desires Who I'm not particularly keen to write: Thanos, Quentin Beck (MCU), Tony Stark (duh)

And here's some plot jumping off points I've got rattling around in here, my favorites I'll mark w a heart scale out of five:

Iron Man 2008 ♥♥♥♥♥

My OC x Pre-established, Pre-Afghanistan Tony and working through the films? His life? An AU? W/e, but starting in 2008 Iron Man

Now I know a lot of people tend to cringe at pre-established or in general think it’s boring. But I don’t mean they were already like super together and had had a full character arc and everything prior to the roleplay ever starting. What I mean by this is I want to play with a plot where my OC and Tony were acquainted (preferably as friends with benefits) prior to his abduction in by the Ten Rings. During his time away my OC will realize oops! She accidentally fell in love with the emotionally unavailable playboy she was supposed to be having a not serious relationship with! And now he’s probably dead. Cue emotional turmoil! I like to pick the plot up at and start the roleplay when he comes home from Afghanistan, and work through the no doubt complicated feelings going on, building their relationship throughout the timeline. I’m not asking for insta-love. I’m just asking for two people who know each other and now have a whole lot of baggage to haul out of the basement thanks to someone’s near death experience.  I’m also not looking for this idea some people have that a roleplay ends with a couple getting together. I don’t want to artificially postpone them getting together, but again I’m not asking for insta-love. Just for something to evolve naturally. I’m sure that’s all obvious but I have had people try to withhold them from dating for esoteric reasons, and I just want to cover my bases since this is the most frequently misunderstood plot I want to do. Now obviously, this is very self indulgent. I would never dream of asking for this for my side without being willing to absolutely reciprocate. If you have a Marvel bae you want to work through the films with or some other self indulgent ask you never get to use, ask away. I am happy to do whatever you want for your side in exchange. I also recognize this is disgustingly self indulgent, but what is roleplay if not the wish fulfillment hobby? Naturally, in return, I am happy to write whatever self indulgent AU you are after!

Guardians of the Galaxy (1, 2, Game, whatever!) ♥♥♥♥♥

General space shenanigans. Tony + his found family the Guardians is extremely important to me.

I absolutely adore throwing Tony and my OC up into the cold, unforgiving expanse of space to be picked up by the Guardians. Them acting as a found family for Tony just means a lot to me, especially with how the writers for the MCU just. Refused to make the Avengers friends? If they won’t let the Avengers be friends, then I’ll give Tony friends by way of the Guardians god damn it. (Yes, him being Friends with Rocket and Nebula in Endgame was very important to me, thank you for asking) I am perfectly happy with your side being either from Earth or from space! Although this idea revolves around the Guardians, please don’t feel like your love interest has to be from the space scape, as I am ready and willing to find a way to drop kick everyone into space regardless of where your love interest comes from. If curious! My most commonly utilized plot involves the Collector hiring someone, be it the Guardians or another faction, to scoop up Tony. Frequently the reasoning is either A) Tony’s suit and reactor is unique, and he’s interested, or B) he’s interested in getting him as a gladiator present for his brother, the Grandmaster's, birthday. We don’t have to use this idea, I am happy to come up with others, brainstorm something together if you like But I know people often wonder how I plan to get them up there, and that one’s a pretty sure bet.

Potential Firefly influence?

Either instead or or in addition to the thoughts above, we could add some Firefly spice into this? Firefly is cowboys in space, let’s be real, and Quill gives a lot of pretending at being a space cowboy energy. I think kind of slapping him with some Mal energy could be really fun if you want him as a love interest.  Not required! Just something I’ve talked about with some people before and I am pretty fond of.

Miscellaneous

I'm also currently in Chapter 7 of the 2021 video game! And I love it a lot so far. I don't know anything about the comics (but want to start reading them soooon especially the arc where Tony is with them 🥺) and we don't at all have to stick to the MCU version of the Guardians (especially since I have my own headcanon version of Quill rattling around in my head that's 100% not Crisp Rat askjdhfg) I just love the Guardians as a concept. I love space families, I love Firefly and Star Trek is one of my favorite childhood series as well, and I love all the space stuff in Steven Universe, etc etc. I just love space settings LOL esp slice of life space settings (ST:TNG my beloved)

Insomniac's Spider-Man ♥♥♥

So I’m like too in love with this game. As someone who never read the comics, and didn’t really get into Tobey’s Spider-Man and catch the bug like my sibling did, I feel like with this game I finally get it, you know? Spider-Man is one of the most popular superheroes, and I wasn’t like. On the hype train. But now I’m on the hype train.  I’m unfortunately not really sure what I want to do with these games. All I know is that I love them, and I’d trade several organs to be able to write Insomniac’s Peter for you. I want to write him so so bad I just think he’s wonderful. I also love Yuri but not nearly as much as Peter.  We could follow the games, maybe do some pre-game stuff with Peter? Explore some of the 8 years prior to the game of him being Spidey? Maybe expand on some of the lore tidbits we get throughout the game in dialogue and mostly the backpack collectables? We could also do some post-game (any of the three) stuff. We could rewrite some of the game! We could save some characters maybe. I’m not sure! I’d love to explore literally anything with this, so if you have something in mind please let me know!  I’d love to figure out some ways to incorporate other Marvel characters too, just because seeing all the little nods and hints in the games to other villains or heroes or the dialogue tied to certain landmarks, or Otto getting bankrolled by Advanced Idea Mechanics: that shit was thrilling. I’d love to find a way to do more of this, even if it’s just figuring out how we slam dunk Iron Man into the scene. 

Thor: Ragnarok ♥♥

Science Bro reunion on the planet of trash is very good, ten outta ten. Love to slam dunk people into Sakaar.

I don’t have a whole lot more to say about this honestly? Other than we can also throw in whatever canon you want that isn’t normally there. Want the Guardians to show up? Carol? Want to slam dunk your bae in the gladiator ring too? Regardless of the movie I’m anchoring a plot to, I will throw anyone and everyone into the ring if you want.

Spoiled Princess gets anything she asks for, details at eleven.

I also have an AU where my OC (still human) was adopted by the Grandmaster as a baby, and is essentially the princess of trash planet, and Sakaar is where she meets Tony. Typically I have her ask her dad to spare Tony by way of insisting that he has a champion in the Hulk, why can’t she ever have a champion? He can’t just melt stick everything she takes an interest in! Other than that not much to say, I feel like Ragnarok is a pretty straight forward setting. Most of the ideas for this one would come about in talking it out with you.

Multiverse Stuff ♥♥♥♥?

Loosey goosey thoughts

I have a few multiverse ideas, one of which is original but could also be tied to NWH if we wanted. Another one involves TVA/Loki s1 stuff. We could probably swing something DSMOM related! Most of it deals with my OC having been involved with a Tony (be it MCU or some other universe's Tony), and loses him. Then typically she either tries to find a way to fix it (TVA intervenes) or she goes on a grief fueled vigilante spree and gets somehow knocked into a new dimension (original/nwh) where she can stop this universe's Tony from suffering the same fate, blah blah blah. It's all pretty loose and idk how super attached I am to it, but I came up with it because I was sad about IWEG and watching Phase 4 is hard LOL I also have a Spider-AU for my OC (who is normally just a civilian and doesn't have any powers other than This Stick She Found™), because who among us didn't make a Spider AU after seeing Spider-Verse LOL

Marvel Rivals ♥♥

Hero shooter go brrrr

I don't even know. I don't even know! All I know is every time I hear a Tony voice line I make noises like a wounded dog because I love him so so so so much. And there's LORE? THERE'S FANFIC???? IN MY HERO SHOOTER??? RIGHT THERE IN THE HERO PAGE? I haven't read them all yet bc I've been like. Too excited. About it. Too hyped about actual fiction I can read in the heroes tab. But fuck if I'm not like frothing at the mouth about this game, I played both the Alpha and the Beta and now I'm just. Losing my mind in the full release. Everyone is so cool?????? Holy shit?????

Marvel's Avengers (Crystal Dynamics, 2020) ♥♥♥♥

THE HATERS WERE WRONG

(i'm copying this from somewhere else and i'm too lazy to do proper sentence caps, sorryyyyy) HELP? HELLO??? i know. this game. has so many problems. i know this game had so many problems and was such a disappointment it was delisted from digital storefronts and the only way to play it now is if you already owned it, or you can find a disc copy. i know. i know the rituals are intricate. but i got the disc for christmas '23 i think and finally got around to putting it in and h e lP?? i'm playing the reassmble campaign for transparency (as.......... in my opinion, i know others felt differently but in my opinion the combat. mm. sucks. LMAO) and im losing my mind. i'm going feral. i literally cannot??? handle it?? i'm beside myself and i know, i know, it's a really big and embarrassing reaction for what is probably in all likelihood a mid game that needed more time in the oven to cook and didn't get it BUT THE CHARACTER WRITING..... I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR?? I REALLY LOVE THEM??? it feels like for once (as someone again w primary knowledge in the mcu) they understood that...these people are... friends???? the way bruce and tony have like. beef. but they TALK IT OUT? THEY OVERCOME THEIR DIFFERENCES? THEY APOLOGIZE??? not to mention it's got that like. bbrrrrr supers are bad we're using the media to make you think supers are dangerous kind of fictional politics i go apeshit for and JARVIS! JARVIS IS IN THIS GAME! AND HE'S IMPORTANT??? LIKE HE ALWAYS SHOULD'VE BEEN??? HE'S A MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER jarvis is like. my second favorite marvel character ever and i have many loud passionate opinions about jarvis and that he's here and part of the team and adored by the team? and respected???? is everything to me THAT TONY AND JARVIS GET TO BE OPENLY AFFECTIONATE TO EACH OTHER AND ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER'S IMPORTANCE IN THEIR LIVES???? REVOLUTIONARY that's his little guy that's his little guy he should get to be that way !!! (what they did to their rship in the mcu post-vision i will never forgive i s2g. i love vision. as his own separate character, they didn't have to tear jarvis to shreds like that) i would love to do something with the reassemble campaign or something like it or even if we don't plot anything in this game if you're like. aware. if you've played/watched the game hell that's good enough for me i'm just going batshit insane over the character writing, mundane and thin on the ground as it is ;; ;; like this bruce is so good??? hes??? oh my god??? i wanna write this bruce SO badly if you have ever wanted to hulk smash this man please please pLEASE LET ME WRITE THIS BRUCE FOR YOU???? PLEAAASSEEE okay i'm done begging i think idk what else to say here except im like. salivating over this game i've been so embarrassing in my friends dms about it aslkjdhfg

Alternate Universe ♥♥♥♥

I'm always always always super down for an AU. We could use other media as the AU (Star Trek, Gargoyles, Disney/Fairytales, Indiana Jones, Anime, Jurassic Park, Steven Universe - literally name it, if I know it I can probably get hype about workshopping an AU) For more generic tropes/genres I loooove Fantasy AUs, D&D AUs, I love space and robots and sci-fi, I super love spies!! Like oh my gosh spy AUs are some of my favorites. It's like spies, fantasy, space slice of life, and androids are probably my four favorite genres? I'm super down for anything though. I also looove monster AUs, like vampire Tony?? Hello???? You could probably suggest anything and I'd be happy to babble about it. Magical Girls? Dungeon Meshi? Baldur's Gate? (though that's just Gale. Let's be real with ourselves. alkjhdjkg it's 100% why I am romancing Gale) I'm a slut and a whore for AUs aslkjdhfg and I am also a slut and a whore for tending to have like Six AUs I talk about all at the same time with partners who are tolerant of that behavior slkjdfg

Okay !! That should take care of the plot and characters section, onto the last little bit!

What Media Do I Know?

MCU:

Where I'm At:

Phases 1-3, Wandavision, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Black Widow, Loki Season 1 (but not S2 yet!), Shang-Chi, a few episodes of What If, Hawkeye, Eternals, No Way Home, Multiverse of Madness, GOTG Holiday Special

What I'd Prefer Not to Do:

IWEG. At least in the way it was shown to us. I'd prefer to just nuke it from existence entirely through plot points that circumvent it altogether, but I understand the blip is like. important or whatever to most of Phase 4 aslkdhjfg so if you want to do something in P4, we can workshop this.

Other Marvel Entries:

Insomniac's Spider-Man, Miles Morales, and Spider-Man 2

Chapter 7 of Squeenix's Guardians of the Galaxy (2021)

Deadpool, Deadpool 2 (though I didn't care for the second film) I haven't seen the third yet since it's in theaters and since covid I don't go to those, but I'll see it eventually 🤷

Days of Future's Past, X-Men First Class

Into the Spider-Verse, but not Across the Spider-Verse yet

Marvel Rivals! Yeah there's not a lot of content there but I also really like the dialogue writing alskshjdfg (and as an Overwatch fan I'm used to this like No Content But Somehow the Voice Lines Make It Worth It vibe lmao

I own Squeenix's Avengers, TTG's GOTG, and the Iron Man VR game that I all plan to play but haven't yet

Alright, I think that's probably it!

Hope to hear from you guys, but if I don't, good luck on your searches!

And for those who stuck around to the end and are interested in contacting me, here is my email that you can do that at:

beachcityshores (at) gmail (dot) com

(sorry for it not being very copy-pasteable, trying to avoid you know whats just scraping my email and spamming me)

We can totally RP via Discord, but you gotta get my handle by talking to me first. I'm getting tired of handing out my disco only to be hit with "hi i saw your ad :)" great what do you want [insert something I didn't ask for here]

If you're gonna make me pull teeth at least pay me a dentist's salary first <33

Bye!

[cheerfullycatholic]

Hey, apologies in advance for the ramblings but I really need someone to talk to about this anonymously 😅 so basically idk if I’m crazy or should genuinely feel ridiculous or like a loser??? But I’m currently living in Europe and one of my good friends is getting married in a few months and is out in the states. I’m supposed to be going out there for the wedding but I honestly think it’s been making me sick with stress. See, I am on the spectrum and I like to be able to do what I want and get away from people when I need to but there’s like an entire set of plans with more of her friends and of course extended family who I have never even talked to before and it’s not that I think they’ll be horrible but it’s a long time to be somewhere new and ofc she is going to be busy prepping for the wedding itself and I thought I’d be able to do things alone but I found out where she’s currently living is actually quite far from anything and I might have to rely on her other family to get me places. On one hand, I feel so dumb because it seems like such a great opportunity to also visit this place but on the other hand, it really is so much to not be guaranteed alone time and knowing she won’t be there all the time idk I’ve just been really sick to the point of passing out lately and this is the only thing I can think of that has caused such an increase in stress and I feel kind of pathetic for it? In any case, if you have any words of wisdom, advice etc I’d appreciate it and please prayers 🥺

Dude I totally get you, and it's not ridiculous or pathetic. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum but I deal with the same things all the time, and they just make my chronic illness worse. My nephew's birthday party and my step uncle's wedding are both tomorrow and I was having a rough time health wise just with the party but the wedding was hastily planned two weeks ago which was not enough time to mentally prepare for, and my nephew's party is in a place I've never been to before mostly with people I either don't like or don't know and I've been dying, man. And I can't drive so I can't just leave, ya know? Not unless someone takes me home and I can't expect anyone to do that. But at least these events are all in my general area, I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be in a different country! I will definitely keep you in my prayers

Firstly, since it's making you sick, you do not have to go or do all the things she wants you to. She's your friend, she should understand that your health just won't permit it and going could make it worse. It's okay to take care of yourself. But if you decide to go, what are some things that help you calm down and deal? For me it's listening to show tunes. I bought these open ear bluetooth earbuds (link goes to Amazon) specifically so I can listen to Hamilton at the events tomorrow without anyone knowing because I can hide them behind my hair, and since they're open ear I can both hear the music and the people around me both just fine and they don't hurt after awhile like normal earbuds do. I wouldn't be going to either events if I hadn't gotten these. You mentioned alone time, maybe tell your friend about your struggles and that you sometimes need time to relax and breathe by yourself and maybe she could figure out a place where you could rest. If you go, do what you gotta do, make gathering all of the stuff you can to help yourself a fun thing

[jeonvein]

| genre: thriller, romance.

| extras: this story follows my book version of this. The names Garam and Jungseok will be changed. Jungseok becomes Jungkook and Garam is Y/n. For the fanfiction version everything will be changed to fit it.

| trigger warning: child abuse, abuse, violence, murder, cannibalism,

Chapter 1: Y/n Pov

"How long am I required to work today?" I asked my manager who was sitting just inches away from the counter where the register was placed. I had just clocked in to my shift not knowing that my other boss left a note wanting me to work an extra shift because people hadn't shown up.

My manager shifted slightly into her seat, sighing heavily. "I honestly don't know. Seyoon barely comes to work and when she does, she begs other people to take her shift."

I chuckled lightly. "I know Seyoon is very unique."

"I wouldn't say unique, she has a habit of laying people off. Why I would rather have you work the hours I do than work her hours."

Eunae had been my manager for some time. She's been very helpful while I was struggling with money problems that had affected my family upon moving to Tongyeong-si. I moved to stand in front of the register that is next to Eunae. She didn't move an inch in her seat but she looked extremely exhausted.

"You should head home, Eunae."

"My shift isn't over just yet."

"You look exhausted, Eunae."

Eunae laughed. "It is part of customer service especially in a coffee shop." She stood up, wiping down her apron. "Our jobs ain't cheap."

I chuckled lightly. "You got that right."

Eunae was right, sometimes serving customers here at the coffee shop was exhausting mentally and physically especially if these customers were being rude to the employees causing more stress onto us and the managers. That was the only bad thing that I could think about being here in this small city.

There were a lot of memorizing sights like the small fountain placed just inches away from the coffee shop. I loved to stare at it during my breaks, it helps clear my mind most days. I've been offered multiple jobs by multiple different people, I even had one person offer me $200 a week to be a stripper at their club but I respectfully declined them.

Luckily, the coffee shop was just enough for me and I was offered great staff for the most part.

"Y/n, how is the landlord acting today?"

"Bad, He basically told me I have a month to earn at least 1318000 won or we would be kicked out of the house."

Eunae sighed heavily. "Your mom is still not helping?"

"Not that much, she barely works while she is telling me to get two jobs while dealing with my father's illness."

"If I could let you stay with me I would but I am about to get an apartment of my own."

"I wish but It is what the world is, Eunae." I started counting the money in the register to make sure we had enough to give back to the customers who paid with $5 dollar bills and even $10's.

I was already mentally preparing myself for homelessness, knowing how much of a risk I will be to diseases and even an illness that has affected my father. I am praying in my heart that I will be able to make enough money to last another month or I may have to beg our landlord to extend it even further since we cannot make it to the pay day.

I placed the money in the register, closing it upon hearing quickened footsteps coming closer towards me. I looked in that direction to see who it was and to my surprise it was Hwayoung. She was breathing heavily, holding a piece of paper tightly in her hands.

"Hwayoung, you okay?" Eunae turned around to look at her, seeing her messy hair and sweat upon her clothes. She huffed and slammed the piece of paper onto the counter, making both Eunae and I jump.

"Damn Hwa, You didn't have to slam it on the counter like that."

She was still heaving trying to catch her breath. "Give me" She sucked in the air around her. "Two seconds."

Both Eunae and I laughed. It was nice to see Hwayoung at the start of such a stressful shift. There were not enough words to express the love I have for Hwayoung but I think having her in my life was enough to express that.

There was visible sweat built up on her forehead as we watched her catch her breath before standing up straight. Eunae and I raised an eyebrow at her, curious on what got her running towards us in excitement.

"You had a good run Hwa?"

"Amazing run! My body is pumping full of adrenaline."

"We can tell." I laughed.

"Well, It is not just about the run."

"Then what is it about that has gotten you so excited?"

"That piece of paper!" She exclaimed, pushing this unknown paper closer to me.

"Is it for me?"

"Yes it is! I know how much you have been needing 1318000 won by the end of the month so I did something exciting!"

I looked towards Eunae, still confused about this. Eunae shrugged her shoulders and pointed to me to pick up the piece of paper and read it. I reached over picking up the paper and bringing it close to my face to start reading it.

"You signed me up at an orphanage?" I didn't even read the full thing when I came across the name of the orphanage at the top of the paper. "Jungsik's orphanage" plastered in bold and eye-catching font.

"I did!" Hwayoung shouted, causing some of the customers that were already in the coffee shop to look her way.

"Hwayoung let's not shout, you're disturbing the customers." Eunae explained sternly, signing to the customers that she is handling it.

"I'm sorry, I am just so excited." Hwayoung slightly turned towards the customers, bowing 90 degrees before standing straight.

"But back to the orphanage, how did you sign me up without me being there?"

"It was easy, I saw an application online last night and went to visit it this morning. When I came in, I asked for the job applications. The old lady at the desk gave it to me to fill out as she was thinking I was signing up and I just put your name."

"You basically committed fraud Hwayoung.." Eunae held her laugh.

"Did I?.." Hwayoung took a second to think about it.

"I mean the thought is what matters in the end right?" I shrugged.

One thing about this paper is that the orphanage does look legit but maybe I should look up during my break today to see if I can find its location on the maps. I was still a little bit suspicious about how quickly Hwayoung got the job for me but maybe they were desperate for workers that they took anyone.

"Hwa, How did you get this job so quickly?"

"I have my ways." She smirked towards me and Eunae laughed, hitting my shoulder lightly.

"They owed her money."

"That is not trueee."

"Then what is it hmm? I mean Y/n is right, she shouldn't have gotten that job so easily."

Hwayoung hummed. "What the lady at the front desk told me is that they were actually looking into Y/n. They didn't know what she looked like quite yet but they were going to offer her a job so It was convenient I turned up there and used Y/n's name."

"Which I still can't believe you did."

"Hey I mean I got you a job right!"

I shook my head. "Correct."

"In a weird way but It does work for Y/n." Eunae sat back down in her chair as Hwayoung got closer to us to let people who just came inside of the coffee shop by.

"Make sure to read the whole thing Y/n, if you don't read the whole thing you will miss something and let the company be allowed to rip you off of a job if they wanted to instead of giving you any benefits."

I nodded my head, moving my eyes back onto the piece of paper. I made sure to imprint every inch of information that was said on this piece of paper just in case the company decided to try to lie to me. While I was doing that, my eyes came across another bolded message near the end.

'DO NOT: Do not come at night, throw out your personal feelings before you enter our orphanage'

I didn't understand what It meant or the hidden meaning behind this message. This new boss was definitely like leaving warnings which was normal in this working industry. After that bolded warning, there was a list of potential risks while working at the orphanage.

There were mentions of missing children and the environment of the place causing injuries to the workers which I could understand since I assumed it was in place since the 1900's. I was really glad they told the risks and even mentioned that all injuries are paid for by the orphanage.

Thank god I didn't have to pay for another hospital bill.

I read the application over one more time, allowing it all to seep into my brain. Then I placed the paper down on the counter. Hwayoung pointed at a small line towards the bottom of the paper right after the potential risks section.

"Do make sure you sign it. He can't officially let you be an employee there until you agree to the terms and risks of working there."

I squinted my eyes at the paper finally seeing the small smudged line. I can't believe I didn't see it before. I went to reach for a pen that was placed in one of the cups just right of the register. I moved my head down near the paper before signing it with my signature.

I should have thought twice about applying but they seemed promising with the amount of work they would give and health benefits if anything happens to me while working. I do like that I will be taking care of children which is one of my best qualities. My Aunt always said I was good at taking care of young toddlers.

I went to put the pen back in the cup holder when the bell from the front door rang loudly. A large family came into the shop and stood behind Hwayoung looking at our menu. There were a couple of children with them and they seemed well behaved.

My gaze moved back towards Hwayoung when she practically jumped over the counter to wrap her arms around me to dig her knuckles into my head playfully.

"I knew you would do it! I am always such a good friend!"

"I need the money but thanks Hwayoung." I laughed lightly.

"You're so welcome! I'mma head back towards the dance studio see you both then!" Hwayoung sent us goodbye air kisses before walking past the family behind her to leave the shop.

I sometimes wonder how me and her are friends sometimes but It wasn't my worry at the moment. I just had to get through my shift right now and tonight at this orphanage. I am hoping they are really nice to me.

—––———–––

It reached 6 pm right on the dot. The clock that was set up in Eunae's spot went off reminding her and me that It was our time to go home. I finished with the last customers who came in and ordered their late night coffees. I understood completely why some of them needed it that bad since work drains a person mentally.

Then I placed my apron onto the wall hanger in the break room near the door. Once I finally clocked out, my other manager Seyoon entered the break room. She grinned towards me, placing a hand on her hip.

"Are you taking my shift?"

"I'm sorry Seyoon but I have to go to my other job."

"Other Job? Who else would hire you?" Seyoon snickered out.

I took a step back from the door when I noticed Eunae entering the break room. Eunae looked towards Seyoon before clocking out herself.

"Seyoon, please make sure the coffee shop is closed correctly this time. I don't think we can handle another complaint."

Seyoon chuckled. "I think I was just about to leave, right Y/n?"

"Not really, you have to do your job, Seyoon. I'll see you tomorrow Eunae." I smiled towards Eunae as I pushed past Seyoon who was blocking the entrance.

I started heading towards the bus station just down the street from the coffee shop. It was not a long walk and it was nice to enjoy the breeze that flowed by everyday. When I reached the area, I went to look at the map to see if I could find this orphanage and ask the driver if they could take me out that far.

I placed my finger on the map to point at where I was before looking around for 'jungsik orphanage'. For a couple of minutes I couldn't find it. It was making me think that maybe this place wasn't real but I decided to pull out my phone and go on google Maps to help me out.

When I found it on google, I saw the bus pulling up to the station. I kept a right grip on my purse before getting into the bus. I stopped in front of the bus driver to hand him some money.

"I also have a question sir."

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a station out near Jungsik Orphanage?"

The bus driver looked at me with a weird smirk on his face for a split second before his face went back to normal.

"Yes we do sweetheart, now go wait your turn."

I took a step back, concerned about what I just saw from the bus driver's face. I sighed internally.

Y/n, it is just your imagination.

I hope it was, everything about this night seemed off. When I sat down, the bus driver had already hit two other stops before driving off. While I was waiting, I decided to call my mother and tell her that I found my second job. I know she would be proud about me working instead of coming home.

I dialed her number hoping for a response but It just went straight to voicemail. I sighed lightly, not letting myself think about my mother more than I have to. I didn't want to bother her while she was trying to take care of my father. My mother was starting to get protective of me and I think it is because she knows my father may not make it. I am hoping he does but fate is not always on my side.

The bus reached the orphanage allowing me to get off. I looked straight ahead, seeing the big orphanage in the distance illuminating with the sunset. I should head over to it before I run out of light. I quickly ran towards the orphanage reaching the front yard, that is when I noticed the huge moss growing on the bricks and even the brown burn spots on the green grass just inches from the place.

I decided to take a minute to look up the history of this place. From what I know, the orphanage was built during Emperor Hyo's reign over korea. Which did make sense with its structure and the wood looking rotten. However, I was starting to get a little bit nervous with the human-like burn marks on the walls.

They were in the shape of bodies along with words like "save us, help us, they are hurting us" written in white chalk. I managed to head inside of the orphanage where it looked mostly up to date with the time period. The feeling of the carpet underneath my feet still had its softness while some areas were brittle.

I noticed the hallways were being lit by candles nailed into the walls which added to the swift draft of the wind. While walking down one of the hallways, I stopped in my tracks upon seeing stabbing marks. Some of the marks had a splotch of blood on it.

I think I may go home.

No Y/n, you need this job.

The hell I do.

It was a battle with my mind. I needed to leave, there were obviously better jobs out there than this. I rushed back towards the reception area where a young woman was apparently waiting on me near the entrance.

"You are Mrs.Heo Y/n correct?"

"Um, yes that is correct."

"Great." She walked towards the reception desk with a clipboard. "I am going to need that paper that you were supposed to sign."

Right. The application.

I pulled out the application from my purse, handing it to her. She took the paper from me, reading it to make sure I followed all of the instructions. The young girl put the paper on the wooden desk before picking up a huge stack of papers.

"I am Joy. I will be your tour guide since I will be quitting." She smirked, handing me the stack of papers that I needed to carry.

"Uh, thank you?"

"You're welcome, let's start upstairs." She went up the stairs first leaving me behind. I slowly followed behind not seeing the male that walked in front of me. I stopped in my tracks when I reached the top step, finally seeing him.

The mysterious male was glaring at me with his piercing eyes only to walk past me leaving me alone. That is when I noticed one of the rooms where two boys were playing with a toy but when Joy walked back towards me, they hid it under their bed.

"Let's start with the rooms. I don't need to tell you how many rooms but I am going to pretend that you are stupid."

I should have walked out. I don't know why I didn't.

But Instead I didn't and just smiled at her. She went past one of the first rooms.

"There are six bedrooms on this floor. 10 children are living in each room with the left side belonging to the boys and the right belonging to the girls."-"The rooms are in order from youngest to oldest, Do I need to explain the ages to you?'

I shook my head. "I think I have It ma'am."

"Good, I am happy you're not incompetent."

We reached the end of the hallway where I noticed a door that was cracked. I didn't think anything of it but I did want to ask about it.

"Joy, I have a question."

Joy turned around crossing her arms. "Yes?"

"This room." I pointed to the door. "Is it important?"

"I didn't tell you about it, which means It is not for you."

I nodded my head following Joy downstairs where she showed me the rest of the place like the classrooms, living rooms, nurse stations and kitchens.

"I will be going, I assume you have the common sense to follow the rules."

"Thank you."

Joy quickly left the place leaving me alone. I started doing this stack of papers in my office when crying started getting louder and harsher every couple of minutes. I went to take a break from my work to go see what happened. I headed towards the nursery to find her near one of the cribs.

"It's okay, I won't hurt you."

I whispered it to her kneeling down in front of her. She hesitated but let me look at her arm from a distance. Her arm had burn marks making her arm a bright red. I slowly moved towards her to help guide her to one of the girls bedrooms, tucking her in one of the beds.

"I'm going to get medicine for your arm, okay?" I told her softly, trying not to scare her.

I ran down stairs swiftly rummaging through the cabinets until I could find bandages. I pulled up a stool next to the young girl, taking her arm slowly. Putting on the ointment she was wincing in pain every time the ointment touched her burnt skin. Her tears started filling her eyes as I wiped her tears.

"Can I know what happened?"

She doesn't look in my direction. It looked like she was scared to tell me who hurted her. I stood up and started putting things back into the first aid kit before moving closer towards the door.

"I will be in the hallway if you need me."

Before I could walk out, she whispered out "thank you for being nice." like she didn't want anyone to know she was thanking me. I smiled and turned around where I kissed her head.

"I will always be nice to you."

When I stepped out into the hallway, there was that male again. We almost bumped into each other but he took a step back from me. You could see he was definitely taller than me by a couple of inches along with that scar that came across his right eye complimenting his raw red eye.

He had another scar on his chin down near the bottom left along with his captivating left brown eye. It was definitely rare in Korea for people to have two color eyes and it was nice to see someone unique, specifically in a part of town I've never been to.

"Are you done eye fucking me?"

My eyes widened when his voice turned cold like ice.

"No sir, I was not eye fucking you."

Right when he was about to respond a nun walked up to the both of us.

"Dinner is at 6:30 pm. Bedtime is at 8:30 pm. Don't be late next time."

I looked at her confused. "It is 8:30?"

The nun walked away from me not answering my question. I didn't pay any mind to it and walked past the male to put the rest of the children to bed. I entered one of the rooms where the young boys were jumping on the beds.

"Please, let's get you all to bed hmm?" I tried to convince them but they didn't listen quite well.

"Get into bed, do you want the boogeyman to come out and get you?" I saw the mysterious male enter the room and leaned against the doorframe. He chuckled while each of the little kids went up to him to say goodnight.

"Unnie was so nice to us! She helped Jian today after the meanies hurt her!"

That is when I saw a smile on his face. It was definitely memorizing. I was slowly learning the concept of who the children called the meanies and I was glad It wasn't the mysterious male. He seemed interesting but I didn't have enough time to admire as I rushed towards the nursery to put the babies to bed.

I read the names on the crib, picking up Min Ae and Min So. I sat down in one of the rocking chairs near the corner and started softly singing a song my mother would always sing to me as a baby to help them sleep.

TAGS: #kpop

[system-of-a-feather]

[A vent and flow of consciousness letter to the system and those that might relate]

I don't think it is fair that those who have become high functioning because of sheer survival often find themselves in the situation where being mentally ill becomes an option and thing they can turn on and off via dissociation and repression

Because when you get to that point, it no longer becomes a "you are mentally ill and because you can "choose to not be disabled" you should choose to NEVER be disabled and anytime you turn that off to vent out the passive build up, you are choosing to be mentally ill and disabled and you dont get the same consideration or care as those "not so fortunate"."

If I could not have a mental breakdown / meltdown that could stress and hurt those around me, then I should choose to right? If I know how to turn it off, not turning it off is reflective of me being an inconsiderate and abusive piece of shit right? But at the same time, when that is always an option, when do we get the chance to let the inherent mental illness we have and all its ugliness get a chance to air out so we can heal and live?

When do we get the courtesy that "less functioning" individuals - those who never developed the ungodly ability to cancel out any genuine experience and repress it so heavily - get? When do people start giving us a break and the understanding that we have over 5 Very Serious Mental health issues when we slip up and struggle? When is the decision to NOT cancel our experiences stop being considered a reflection of our personal character and values?

No amount of pain or personal issue excuses abusive or harmful behavior that is true. Nobody on any form of coping gets to use it as an excuse, but no one reassures those that are high function and "low support needs" that its fair to struggle and fair to take support and care. It's okay to NOT be high functioning and that it should not be a reflection of your personal character. It's okay to be sick and make an effort like other people have to inorder to make amends.

High functioning labels are bullshit. Low functioning labels are bullshit - thered a reason aspergers was thrown out of the book.

Just because we look good doesn't mean we aren't sick. Just because people buy into and cant see past the compulsive external beauty and perfection and hold you to a higher standard than your peers doesn't mean you should hold yourself up to their blind vision of who you are. You deserve the same level of respect and understanding your peers get. You aren't special because you look special. Those that treat you as some messiah, some perfected angel and saint of life - thats their issue.

If they deserve the patience you give, you do too. If they deserve the understanding that sometimes people are stupid and fuck up regardless of their intent, then you deserve that too.

If they deserve the benefit of doubt that when they make a mistake and hurtful decision that you assume and accept that they are just human, so do you

And anyone who says otherwise? Anyone who looks at you and judges you? Assumes that you aren't doing your best? Anyone who holds you to a higher standard than your peers? Fuck em. They can apologize, they can make their mistake for holding up the double standard and struggling, but if - even after hearing how unfair the double standard is, they insist that you are not due the same courtesy and benefits of doubt you hand out to others?

Well, fuck em.

You can be hurt even when you might have been in the wrong, even if you should have known better, whem you make a mistake. Honest mistakes don't have blame. You don't judge others when honest mistakes are made, they should return that lack of judgement.

If they disagree with this basic principle, then we aren't compatible and they aren't needed to be kept around.

If they don't like the real you, the you with ALL your garbage, then they dont deserve the usual you. Let them be gone, let it be a good riddance.

I'd rather live alone with myselves than live with those that demand we hold ourselves to their perceived standard of functioning based on our trauma sourced coping.

XIV said, if people hate you for being angry, for being cringe, for caring about something, then fuck them

I say, if people judge you for doing less than your best, for being vulnerable and weak, for making mistakes that are inherent to what they knew when they chose to be involved with someone with an extensive amount of hurt and pain to heal, then fuck them.

We do our best, we usually are astoundinf, amazing, an inspiration, goals for many and that can hold true while leaving space for us being Ugly and Hurt. There is no value in feigned strength built on false premises. The strongest strength comes from authentically knowing your pain, holding it up and persisting against all the ugly.

No radical acceptance exists without radicall acceptance of your wounds.

XIV says you can be ugly and hated and still love yourself and feel beautiful in your ugly ways.

I say you can admit you feel ugly and hated and still be beautiful.

And you know what? Riku says the world is beautiful - that everything in the world and everyone in the world - it is inherently beautiful.

Nothing needs to change about anyone to have beauty in the moment.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Useless vent I guess? TW: suicidal ideations mentions

It's kind of embarrassing to send an ask for that but for years on end I have struggled with just being utterly lazy. I wish I had a strong concrete reason like depression or mental illness but I am simply useless and can't get myself to really try. Each year that passes I'm like "god I wish I had made things easier for myself by simply making more of an effort" but I'm just so exhausted all the time. When I go to college I am tired. When I get a school break I basically hibernate and still end up tired. I could be put into a room with just stuff to entertain myself and food and accept this as my life but I am supposed to do things and every time I miss opportunities because I can't be bothered working. I have exams coming up and have been given 3 weeks to prepare on my own (as in not at school) and I've been rotting in bed all day, completely deregulating my sleeping and eating habits and just scrolling on my phone.

I don't know how people just work so hard. And I don't even necessarily mean elite students but just idk my mom who has to wake up early and sleep late because of her job, people balancing school and a job, or anyone who may not have it as "hard" but are at least put together (sleep and eat well, exercise, work and/or study etc.). Sometimes the fact that I'm so incapable of just doing the simple productive things (go to the library, go for a run, read a book etc.) just makes me want to die. I'm not like super actively suicidal but I'm just always met with my laziness and inaction and at least I live with my parents now but in the future it's gonna be worse and I just wouldn't mind being hit by a car to avoid having to be productive.

Okay this is a mess lol basically I'm a whiny little idiot who just feels like the weight of having to do things in order to advance in life is too much when literally everyone kinda does it to the extent they can. Idk I just wish I was better with navigating the world and simply existing in a less useless manner.

hey anon,

You are not lazy. Clearly something is going on. It's not normal to be tired like that all the time. You are definitely not whiny, nor an idiot, okay? You are struggling. Things can get better. Be kind to yourself.

I hope things get better for you.

Mod Misa

[furbtasticworksofart]

Incoherent Blorbo Rant Incoming

Okay okay so any human whose interacted with me for a second already knows who my favorite human FNaF character is, but I want to elaborate on why even though no one asked.

The reason I find Henry to be such a compelling character is that he is deeply flawed, and remains deeply flawed.

Most interpretations of Michael, have him as the Foxy Bro, and thus, tormented by the knowledge he inadvertently killed his brother. Because of this he tends to be written with a lot of melancholy and self-loathing for what he considers his worst act. But after that, he spends the rest of his life proving he can be a better person, and he wants to do things right. A simple, but effective character arc. Tragic hero making amends for past sins, very classic and easy to follow.

Henry’s character arc is basically about a man falling down a flight of stairs for fourty-odd years.

It has been widely commented on and discussed that Henry, in all canons, is far from the best father. The book trilogy illustrates the best picture of him, but this is also present in the games. LEFT-E, while sometimes interpreted in a more wholesomeway, is canonically a trap implemented with controlled shocks and an inescapable prison to be burned alive in. Book Charlie is abandoned despite being at the exact same emotional intelligence and general being as an actual human child, and also bears witness to his worst apathetic and self-serving tendencies. Oh, and he realllly doesn't care sbout Sammy, at least, not in the same way. His grief has manifested entirely around Charlie, losing her is what led to him becoming more unstable.

And that's the key thing here. Henry, fundamentally, is not a healthy person. He never was. Every read of him and William's relationship just screams toxic codependency, and mental health issues as serious as delusions, seething self-hatred, and apathy towards others, do not exist in a vacuum. We can headcanon a lot about where these traits came from, but overall it paints the picture of a person with underlying mental issues managing to reach a sort of "normalcy" and happiness, only for it to be shattered in heartbreaking detail. And he doesn't know how to deal with that. Though to be fair, I don't know how anyone would.

Now, mental illness does not make you a worse person. Struggling with these issues isn't what makes him so flawed, it's the fact he will callously disregard others, only to feel immense regret upon seeing the consequences of his actions. Then he does it again.

Freddy's has been closed at least four times. You would think, that after Fredbears, he would take a step back, and maybe consider moving on. Letting things go. But he doesn't. He makes more. Then, a tragedy of even greater magnitude, and still, he doesn't stop. The way he talks about the Funtimes, he refers to them as though he played a part in it. Even though, by then, anyone as close to William as him should have seen the glaring red flags. But he can't stop. He cannot stop creating. He has too.

And when things finally fully collapse, he takes a step back, and feels nothing but shame and resentment. Mostly towards himself. And lets that broil over, completely unmoving.

Intense self-hatred is still a form of narcissism. This relapsing into unhealthy patterns, clinging to toxic relationships like a lifeline, gets across one main idea: Henry wants to be a good person. He wants to have a happy family, to enjoy creative freedom and to cherish the few, but strong, relationships he has. But his inability to let go, to focus on the present and how people are doing now, is what fractures those relationships.

When he does try to fix things, he succeeds, in a way. But it took him years. Years of waiting. Of doing nothing. And can letting himself burn with them, truly be considered self-sacrifice? Fazbear Entertainment didn't die with him. And being so intrnt on bringing everyone down with him, left a massive vulnerability for others to exploit.

He's not the villian of this story. But he's certainly, not the hero anyone was hoping for.

[nozomi-kaizoku]

10/8/2024

I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.

I'm a bad person who does bad things. 

I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).

Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.

I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.

It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!

And the fucked up part?

I was doomed to be like this from the start.

I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.

I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...

So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane. 

But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.

I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..

I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.