#one of the issues codependents have is not being able to identify their own feelings desires or opinions because

[13eyond13]

.

[drdemonprince]

Hey Devon. In your book you talked about how often, autistic people are more likely to face abuse. That’s very true in my experience. I’ve been in several abusive relationships and I’m in one again but at the same time I don’t want to leave because like you said, we fear abandonment. You didn’t really give tips on how to get out of abusive relationships unless I’m not remembering correctly and in that case my apologies. But I’m just wondering if you could give some tips on how to get out of a situation like that while having abandonment issues and not wanting to leave because you love the person. Thank you

A few years ago, I wrote an essay with advice for people who love someone who is currently being abused, and want to be able to support the abuse victim better. Ultimately though, the piece is also about what it's like to be a victim and to hide your abuse from your friends and loved ones while it is happening, and what slowly coming to the point of deciding to leave looked like for me. So I think you'll get something out of it:

On average, it takes seven attempts for a domestic abuse victim to make a lasting break from their abuser. If you aren't ready to end it yet, you deserve to be patient with yourself. In the meantime, keep a journal of your feelings and the worst of your experiences (if you can do so safely). Identify a friend or two whom you can really be honest about the abuse to, who will listen and not judge you or try to force your hand (a virtual friend is fine for this if you cant meet face to face). Begin contemplating some the specifics for when you do leave: where would you live, who could help you move, how would you spend your time, how would you like to decorate your own space. Having something to look forward to on the other side is essential.

Loving someone who mistreats you really is like an addiction in a great many ways, and so I have found a great deal of meaning from writings on harm reduction, as well as books on codependency, and dialectical behavioral therapeutic approaches to fears of abandonment. There are some codependency workbooks on my to-read list right now that a friend recommended after reading Unmasking Autism and seeing much of their own dating life reflected in the book. I'll report back once I've had the chance to try them out.

I wish problems like these had a tidier answer, but for me overcoming these tendencies is an ongoing struggle and I still yearn for my abandonment anxieties to be soothed in a way that I think they ultimately just never will. I have tried all my life throwing pursuits and people into the chasm of my own neediness, and never have I ever felt filled up. I'm starting to think these feelings and yearnings are just a life wound I need to accept living with, and that acceptance of that pain will bring me the closest to healing and peace that I'll be capable of. I think it is still possible to lead a meaningful life with many wonderful experiences while lugging that baggage around. I hope you find a way to carry that weight that works for you.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

I have been trying to learn more about abandonment issues. These originate from not having had an healthy environment and emotional support in childhood. Feeling alone, having to explain things yourself, and being yelled at for just having doubts or feeling the one in charge of keeping a good mood in your family (e.g.), can be hard experiences for a child and it can affect their relationships especially during the adulthood.

Let's see a few signs of abandoment issues: - separation anxiety: fearing the other's behaviour while they're not with you and overthinking it, or fearing something may happen to them and not being able to help (this mixes up with the saviour complex) - feeling insecure in every relationship, even when things go well (feeling unworthy of love/unlovable) and fearing of being abandoned - feeling under attack after being criticized (even constructive criticism) - giving too much in relationships and then feeling unworthy, also because you don't receive as much back - having the urge to please others - having trust issues and needing to control others - feeling things will go wrong and take a bad turn, overanalyzing words and actions of the others, sabotaging a relationship to test the other's commitment - searching for constant feedback from the other person about their feelings - staying in a relationship despite you want to leave (for any reason, also unhealthy relationships) fearing of ending up alone forever - imagining others leave you, maybe after you don't show up for them or for any reason really, overthinking "they may have found someone better/they are cheating" if they are not responding you immediately (insecurity, lack of self confidence, jealousy) - having troubles being vulnerable and talking about your problems (fearing emotional intimacy), keeping a wall with the other person - you get attached easily to unavailable partners, having crushes on ureachable people (you can love them from afar without fearing them leaving), not being too attached (if they leave you won't suffer too much) - saying "I love you" too fast or not being able to tell it at all

In general, abandonment issues cause a deep anxiety regarding not being able to control the other person, being insecure because we've been taught (even unwillingly, by your caregivers) that we're not lovable: and so we fear others leaving for any reason really at any given time with any type of excuse. Sabotaging relationships with our fears and insecurities seems to be the first reaction to these issues. But they can show differently: some people end up pushing others away or keeping walls to not get too attached, others turn into overly needy, codependent, and waiting for the other person to meet all their emotional expectations.

All in all, feeling so unsafe in relatonships, having these back thoughts, isn't healthy for us. Anxiety and other personality issues (and even health, cause we keep staying into survival mode and our body cannot afford that for too long) can come up with time, together with the inability to keep healthy relationships and regulate our emotions.

Is there a way to heal these, aside from theraphy? Realize what is happening for real (not what you're overthinking about), be present in the moment and be objective. Identify your feelings and how you feel, and allow yourself to feel. Validate yourself, remember to be confident about your own worth and that you cannot control others' feelings and actions (and they're not your fault/problem). Remember not everything revolves around you/is your fault/is up to you to change or make better, despite you were made to think so inyour childhood. Express yourself and your feelings in an healthy way, as much as you can. Recognize you are not the problem. Let your walls down: be willing to talk about your feelings, especially with the other person. And ask for help.

[chemicalpink]

☾✧゜BTS Tarot Reading: a peek into their S/O energy ☾✧゜

Pairing: none, this is a tarot/oracle reading.

A/N: I used the divine feminine deck for this reading. Please do remember that every tarot reader’s relationship with their decks are unique thus it may vary the interpretation of the cards. This reading is for entertainment purposes only; the energy channeled may refer to a present or future partner. Whatever outcomes of the reading doesn’t mean ultimate truth and we should really respect the member’s dating life as fans. 

Kim Seokjin ☾✧゜

Mai Bhago: resources; warrior.

So i feel like this is someone that might have to fight for him

Someone that will stop at nothing to get him to open up.

Cause I mean sure, either way, Jin is so far up in the ‘people that will never be your boyfriend’ list with the way that BTS has grown but I feel like this is so much more than that.

I feel like 

It’s not hard to get close to him, but it is hard to get him to open up to the idea of someone loving him for him and not for what he’s accomplished.

idk if that makes sense (?

Lakshmi: abundance

As soon as I laid eyes on this card I got the idea of someone with all that bread.

Not sure if it is inherited wealth/ wealthy family or self made

But definitely someone that has the necessary resources to live comfortably

And also this adds up to them being able to make Jin open up 

Cause they are definitely not using him for money.

Which is a big relief for him.

Rita of Cascia: impossible causes.

Definitely someone that doesn’t run on the same circles as him.

I thought: hmmm maybe a fan (?

Or possibly someone that doesn’t necessarily has the time to date

But most definitely has the intention to love Seokjin with all their strength.

Min Yoongi ☾✧゜

Rita of Cascia: impossible causes

Hello we meet again.

But with a diferent connotation.

This is someone whos strong will puts us all to shame

Like really

Someone that gets their mind on something and will most definitely get it.

Very in tune with Yoongi’s energy.

Lalla: spoken words

I feel like this is someone that has gone through their life trying to heal

And succeeding

“I am the writer of my own story”

Some one that doesn’t fit into the ‘traditional’ way that they are supposed to live.

VERY straightforward.

I also thought of someone spiritual, a manifester of sorts.

Kali: mother of the universe.

LISTEN I’ve said how this one is someone non traditional

Now hear me out

I saw this card and thought well we are looking at someone not gender conforming.

I can even go as far as say that is is someone part of the LGBTQ+ community.

“It’s time to be the truth of who I am”

If you put 2 and 2 together, I can say that this is a healing presence for Yoongi, someone that will make him tune in into what he really likes, who he is.

Jung Hoseok ☾✧゜

Lalita: happiness

This made me so soft

Sunshine got his own sunshine

“Laughter leads me back to the light”

Very positive vibes for this one

One of those people that is impossible not to like

Just like him

Sarada Devi

“The presence of love is the absence of judgement”

This is definitely someone open-minded

In many ways

Someone that has no trouble with Hobi’s way of life

As in

He had to cancel last minute because there’s this thing at the studio? Sure no problem.

They don’t doubt one bit his love and devotion

And understands that they are not walking the same path

But rather walking each of their paths together.

Vajrayogini: liberation

A carefree soul

I feel like this someone is helping Hoseok feel free again

As in

Don’t get him wrong he loves doing what he does but sometimes your career ties you down

But all of those are gone with them.

A fourth card popped up: Mary Magdalene

Along with all those things, this someone is someone very down to Earth

They know where they stand

None of that getting their head get full of it for dating Hoseok

They are themselves and will stay themselves no matter what.

Kim Namjoon ☾✧゜

Marguerite Porete: mystic

Right off the bat, a soulmate connection

I’ll have to say soul family at least

A very divine love

Not like codependent but very very into each other

Shekinah

I feel like most probably this is a female, or someone that identifies as such

Also

Namjoon president? very much so

This is someone important

I see power

In like- a position wise type of way

I’ll go as far as to say a diplomat cause it’s what comes to mind

Or a business executive

Someone well respected within their own little world

Definitely someone Joon looks up to

Rita of Cascia: impossibles

What’s with these boys and this card

So again, I’m sensing fan or just someone that is not a celebrity

Public figure? sure

But like I said, they run just within their own circle

It also came to mind: foreigner

So yeah, i endorse my thought of a diplomat.

Park Jimin ☾✧゜

The Cosmic Egg

Listen I’m not surprised to get such a card from this man

This is indeed a soulmate connection

Also, filled with lots of love

But mostly like- demonstrations of love

I don’t wanna say they’re that couple full of PDA

but it’s what comes to mind

Teresa of Avila

DO NOT QUOTE ME ON THIS OKAY

But I feel like this is an already existing relationship

they keep to themselves

a very NON PUBLIC relationship

I feel like they don’t feel the need to announce it to make it more real

They vibin’

a very soft and chill connection tbh

Machig Labdron

So I feel like these two have known each other for long

This is someone that Jimin has helped through hard times

Chimchim is a healer within so I sense that he has helped them 

“I see light in my own darkness”

Also I feel like they’ve had a troubled past that has turned into love

Jimin was the light that helped them see their true lovable self.

Kim Taehyung ☾✧゜

Mira Bai: true freedom

Okay so this is someone VERY independent

Although they love Tae to death, they know to love themselves first

I can see Tae being a bit intimidated by this way of thinking at first

But learn later that this is his type of person

Yeshe Tsogyal

It came to mind an academic

Whether it is a teacher or an investigator

That academia vibe

A true intellectual

Very curious about life and averything that surrounds them

Just like Tae

Tae most likely learns A LOT from this relationship

And is very fascinated by their brain

Kali

“I release all that doesn’t serve me”

This someone knows what they want

And there is just no way around it

Like the first card said, they love Tae but life plans are life plans

Someone that loves to walk their own path

A very grown-up vibe to them

And listen I don’t wanna fall into daddy/mommy issues

really

But I’m gonna go ahead and say this is some type of inner child healing for Tae

Two very similar POVs but with SO DIFFERENT perspectives

Both curious, but Tae’s comes from a child-like place whereas his s/o views it as something greater, the purpose of the universe type of way.

Jeon Jungkook ☾✧゜

Sehknet

This card was very straightforward with the message

Someone that has been through shit

Jungkook is their well-deserved break at all the trials that the universe has put them through.

“I am pure strength”

I also feel like this is someone that tends to be an avid activist

VERY VERY passionate

and definitely tired of everyone’s bullshit

an old soul, VERY VERY OLD

“I honor my anger by giving voice to it”

Pope Joan

WHEN I TELL U

this is someone spiritual to the BONE

“Soul is limitless”

I got the ‘I will turn the world upside down to find you’ vibe too

Like

They know Jungkook is their person

And honestly? They are thriving to just watch how the universe is trying to apologize to them by putting Jungkook on their path

Someone very wise, more so in the sense of life than academic type

Parvati

THIS IS A PAST LIFE CONNECTION

like- really really had it coming for both of them

“I am a love that doesn’t leave”

They are also very very committed to this connection

They put their 110% spiritual self on this

I sensed the ‘healer meets healer’ type of connection once they meet

Also

Since this is a very old soul I feel like their soul journey is almost over and Jungkook is kind of a legacy for their learnings.

As always I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to request any other general tarot reading! Have a great day! I promise I’m working on all my other requests, this reading just suddenly came to me and i just had to do it.

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

[chronicallyblogged]

I'm really bad at identifying this kind of thing with myself but I'm pretty sure I have a codependent issue with my current friend. I'm pretty sure I had a codependent issue with my last roommate who turned abusive in many ways than one as well. I think part of the problem is so many people, primarily professionals, tell me that I hold people too far away and that I'm detached. That I need to learn to let people close. Which is probably true for a lot of people. But I think I also have the opposite issue where for some people I let them have to much (money, time, energy) and caretake. Unfortunately its not a situation where I misjudge and they are fine on their own. They really do spiral without me. When I started to distance from the roommate they went into all sort of awful relationships, behaviors, and last I heard it wasn't pretty, Same with this relationship. I think part of this is some reliving childhood relationships and a lot of fulfilling needs caused by NPD. As self destructive as it is being a major caretaking figure in someone's life s a great source of attention and a way to feel important. Though i didn't formally state it I've been trying to give some distance between us these past few days and found that I was able to get the parts of me to give attention to and care for each other instead of going to her. I don't know if this is exactly the type of internal vs external validation I read I was supposed to try and get but it feels more peaceful. Since telling her I'm not available for convo all week and instead signing up for a queer bbq I've felt way more relaxed and literally felt tension leave my muscles. I don't think I'm ready to leave her. She is a childhood friend even if she is a mess. But I think I'm going to say I'm only available between x and x time. Or I need to keep my socializing to a couple hours a day and not everyday. I'm going to bring this up to my therapists and hope they don't try to push me back into this relationship again. On the grounds that I'm too detached bc of my ASPD. I really really hope the stigma/stereotype doesn't override my health again.

[snowstories]

could i possibly have some aro HP headcanons that aren't just about charlie weasley (since he seems to be the default aro character in the fandom and idk i don't find him that interesting)? i'm a big fan of aro mcgonagall, aro regulus and aro hermione...

Big fucking mood about Charlie Weasley my anon. I mean, dragon aro is cool and all, but like, I’d appreciate a headcanon for someone with more than like one line. 

I’m running on knowledge of ‘I haven’t read the books in forever’ so uh, sorry for any inaccuracies, but one aro Hermione coming up! 

///

It was three months after the war, three months since she and Ron had cemented their relationship, and it wasn’t working. Or it was, in a way, like a math question where you got the answer right but the method wrong; it worked, but not the way it was supposed to. 

For the most part, things were good. For now, they all slept in the burrow, the Weasleys, Harry, and her. She hadn’t managed to track her parents down to undo their amnesia yet, Harry had nowhere to go, and Fred’s loss was still too fresh for the Weasley’s to be comfortable apart. And, truth be told, she and Harry did not feel comfortable on their own yet, either. So for now, they stayed in the burrow. 

It was nice to have a stable roof above their heads again after months of camping, and especially nice to not be under constant threat of death. It was nice that they didn’t have to separate yet. It was nice that sleeping in the same bed as Ron was socially acceptable, because when she still woke up screaming, she needed someone to cling to, some reassurance that her friends weren’t dead. The physical contact was nice as well; the feeling of Ron’s arm around her shoulders or her hand in his or a stolen kiss was grounding when she couldn’t quite remember that this was real, or just whenever, really. Being able to stay as close to him as possible without anyone batting an eye was good, it really was. 

But at the same time, there was the aching hole of Harry at her side. He was there, she supposed, but he also wasn’t; he was with Ginny now, a pair, like she was with Ron. As much as touching and being with Ron was now acceptable, doing those same things with Harry was most definitely not. She understood that, she did, and it wasn’t all that different from before, but it was…

She had spent months relying on him, sleeping in the same tent, defying death with him more often than not, crying and despairing and hoping and above all relying on him, and to have that be over was strange enough, but now there was a wedge between them, and it was called ‘romance’. They had partners now, and priorities that weren’t each other, and for the first in a long, long time, she felt like she and Ron and Harry were no longer a trio, like it was no longer appropriate to spend as much time with both of them, but that she’d picked one and needed to stick with him.

But she could’ve shrugged this off, probably. After their first death defying stunt, she’d done a bit of research into trauma, and she recognized that her clinginess, her nightmares, her disassociation were trauma reactions. She knew she probably needed therapy - though where on Earth she was going to find a therapist, she didn’t know - and she was willing to consider that her upset at Harry’s newfound distance could be at least partially caused by this trauma. It probably was, in all honesty.

But there was also the true, honest fact that she did not love Ron the way he loved her. And that was the real problem, in the end. 

If she had not been in a relationship before, she might have written this off as a trauma reaction as well. Detachment from her emotions. She’d come around, she’d tell herself, if she didn’t know she’d be lying. 

Victor had been nice, and she had enjoyed his romantic attentions just as she now enjoyed Ron’s, only then her relationship had been tinted with a little less desperation and codependency. But in the end, she hadn’t felt those butterflies, hadn’t felt that extra spring in her heart that people always told her about. She’d liked Victor, certainly, but in the end, the relationship was casual to her in a way that it never was for Victor. 

With Ron it was a little more serious, but she’d known him for longer, and they’d been through much more together, so that was only to be expected. Yet still, her heart did not miss a beat, and their relationship felt slanted and sideways in a way that she knew her parents’ marriage never felt like. 

Hermione wasn’t stupid; she was the brightest witch of her generation, and she prided herself in her intellect and took comfort in knowledge. When she didn’t know what was wrong, she researched until she could identify the issue and then solve it. If she was anything, she was stubborn, and if she found a problem, she would not rest until she solved it. 

And the issue of why she did not fall in love when she really ought to was a problem. And so she researched, until she found… not a solution. But an explanation. 

“Oh,” she breathed, staring at the definition of aromanticism. Oh. That… that fit. That would explain a lot, actually. 

But even with the explanation, the problem remained. Worse, it was unsolvable. Orientations couldn’t be ‘fixed’, shouldn’t need to be fixed, and yet here she was, an aromantic in a romantic relationship, and surely, this couldn’t be right. This shouldn’t work. This needed fixing, because surely, this couldn’t work, right?

But it had been working, hadn’t it? Not perfectly, but Ron hadn’t been unhappy, and neither was Hermione. There was the problem with Harry, with feeling a distance now that they were two pairs instead of a trio, but that was hardly the aromanticism’s fault, she didn’t think. 

And even if it wasn’t, she couldn’t solve it, because you couldn’t solve an orientation. Should she break up? Should she try to establish some different kind of relationship between the three of them? Should she just tell Harry to communicate with her more often, and stay in the relationship with Ron because it made her happy, even if she wasn’t doing it right?

It was complicated, probably. There were most likely a lot of factors at play. And honestly? Thinking about figuring this out was exhausting, and almost enough to make her cry.

Maybe she didn’t have to figure things out, right now. They had won a war not three months ago, and just yesterday she’d had to hold Ron as he cried over his brother’s death, and three days ago she’d talked Harry out of a panic attack, and last night Ron calmed her down after yet another nightmare, and maybe things were just too complicated right now to worry about romantic attraction or the lack thereof. 

Because at the end of the day, they were happy, now; maybe not as happy as they could be, but happy enough for now. 

Maybe she could shelf this project until later. 

So she took a deep breath, shoved the pamphlet into the drawer, and resolved to figure this out. But later. After they’d gotten some time to breath.

Things were good now. Not great. But good enough, and she was no longer being chased by death. She had the time. She’d figure it out. Later.

[secretgiftsforshaman]

Doin’ Real Healing Shit

I’ve been reflecting on and comparing my dynamic with you to my relationship with Sweetie (we were together for the majority of my 20s, and I haven’t had any other relationships as an adult, just only puppy love things as a teenager, so my time with him is my only frame of reference for relationships) and it’s allowed me to pinpoint many of the specific ways in which he wasn’t a good fit for me, and the ways in which he might have been better for me if I had allowed him to be. This has all been part of the larger task of identifying what I need from a future partner/relationship, and who I need to be to be ready for it. Sweetie was my first love, the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with, have children and a cat and a dog and a huuuge garden with, the Data to my Geordi and the Captain Picard to my Lwaxana Troi, but he was often not the best partner for me. I have a lot of guilt with my grief about this, because while I would NEVER EVER for ANY reason wish him to be dead, there is a level on which I am grateful that our relationship is over and I am now free to seek a partner who will meet my needs on a regular basis, instead of only me meeting his.

Sweetie was an addict, pure and simple. I won’t go into what substances and behaviors he used because that’s not what is important. What is important is that he poured so much of himself - his own power and energy and resources - down the drain of those addictions, and because I loved him, I poured myself out into him in a misguided attempt to care for him. Only trying to take care of him this way was like trying to fill a bathtub without plugging the drain - it was never enough, and the only thing that really happened was that we both became depleted, and very codependent. I very much need both to be able to take care of myself (and to feel allowed to take care of myself) and to have a partner capable of (and willing to) take care of himself as well. You have already shown me that it is possible to have a relationship that includes and prioritizes my own needs and desires - and that I don’t need to give myself away in order to be met and fulfilled <3

For all kinds of deep-seeded reasons, I have spent my life trying to need and desire as far less than I do - and to ask as little as possible from the people around me, even my closest loved ones - because somehow early on I internalized the belief that needing anything from anybody was bad: that asking people to meet my needs would push them away and make them resent or dislike or reject me, because my needs were burdensome to others. I assumed that I had to justify my existence and the resources I used to take care of myself by compulsively tending to what other people wanted and needed, and I thought that this is what being of service and being a good person looked like. I was manipulative because I couldn’t bring myself to ask for what I wanted outright, and endlessly hungry, greedy, and unsatisfied. For some time I have been working to affirm my right to prioritize myself, with slowly building success, with my friends (family is a work in progress - is it ever not?), but I had not yet been able to address this issue in the context of a romantic or sexual relationship (cue you :P).

Because of everything above, my lifelong experiences being raised and conditioned in my family of origin and our patriarchal culture, and interacting with the toxicity wounded men I’ve encountered, I started to believe that there were only three types of men out there in my dating pool. 

First, those who were not attracted to me and I don’t want either, and so don’t care about in the context of finding a partner.

Second, those men who want me but that I don’t want/are bad for me, because they want to take something from me that I don’t want to give, or want me to take care of them without really giving me what I need to thrive in return. It pains me to admit but, for as much as he loved me and I loved him, Sweetie was this kind of man. I see this kind of guy every damn where, and I completely recognize that it’s because I’ve been wearing “interest from men is a threat” tinted glasses (like rose-tinted glasses, but with waaaaay more fuckboys). I’ve been reflexively reacting as if ALL men who so much as glance at me are like this for years, to the point where I bolt from so much as making eye contact with any single guy even when doing something as innocuous as crossing paths in the supermarket: this is how vulnerable I’ve felt to being taken advantage of, because I couldn’t trust myself to stand up to protect my own boundaries and honor my own needs. Especially when faced with someone who started out good but eventually got worse and started to leech from me after I started to love him. 

Third, those men of integrity and honor who are capable of giving me what I need (that is to say, men I find desirable), but who do not wish to be with me. My default assumption has been that any man I find attractive or a strong potential mate would find me repulsive. Given the terrible self-worth issues I alluded to in the paragraph above about doubting my right to exist or need anything, I think you can guess one of the roots that the idea of my inherent unattractiveness might have sprung from. Because it is an irrational thought, I have not been able to rationalize my way out of believing it to be true, and have felt like I’ve been up against a brick wall on this front for a while now.

I have been assuming that any guy who wants me couldn’t possibly be good for me, and that anybody I want could never want anything to do with me, for years. Which, given the list of experiences I’ve had, makes a twisted sort of sense, but does me no good. I had never, to my recollection, encountered the mythical fourth type of man (those who want me AND are good for me) - until I met you. We both know full well that (for many reasons) you are not the marriage partner I want or need, but you have given me proof - sight unseen! - that the class of man that I want to attract DOES, in fact, exist: I sure as fuck want you, and by every indication you want me enough to WORSHIP me. And furthermore, you’re living proof that I can (and will!) attract the man that I need in any given moment without even trying to ^.^

The past few months I have been wishing for and craving someone who can help me explore and heal myself and my energy, a lover to give me the sweet affection that Sweetie used to shower me with, and a dominant Alpha man to walk on the wild side and sexually satisfy me. I don’t usually broadcast my more woo-woo, chakra-spinning, magical witchy self with the wider world, which makes the first type of person difficult to cross paths with. I thought that with COVID keeping everyone (smart and compassionate) away from each other, and my own unreadiness for dating, it would be months or years before I could find the second type of person. And as for the third type of person? Let me be absolutely honest with you: I’m *very* inexperienced with sex irl. Sweetie is the only sexual partner I have ever had. We only ever gave each other oral and manual sex - never penetrative, vaginally or anally. We were both suuuper paranoid about unplanned pregnancy (both of my siblings and I were ALL conceived while my mother was taking birth control exactly as prescribed - its only paranoia when it’s not a real possibility!), and I have some serious hangups around allowing physical intimacy. Sweetie and I struggled to connect and communicate in bed, and I rarely, if ever, felt able to surrender to him, largely because of the unhealthy and imbalanced dynamic I described above. I couldn’t even *imagine* being able to let go with someone new and enjoy the passionate sex (let alone the kinky fuckery) that I crave any time soon - maybe even ever.

To my absolute astonishment and delight, I have found all three people in you, and even more things that I had no idea I wanted or needed until you provided them for me. And, to my surprise, I am far more independent within, and detached from, our dynamic than I expected my habitually codependent self to be. You are exactly what I want and need right now - but I don’t *need* you in the dependent way that a younger me would have. I am enriched by our relationship, but I could leave it at any time without it destabilizing me at all. And I achieved this with you in less than a week - what CAN’T I do?!?!? 🤣

To recap: the work I have been doing lately is twofold -

1. To believe that I have every right to exist and use resources and ask for things and receive what I want and need without having to ‘earn’ it or prove myself, and that in this way I can care for myself, heal myself, protect myself, manifest my dreams, catch my own damn fish, and live my best life full of Love, Lust, and Light.

2. To believe that it is not only possible but *probable* that I will find a partner who does everything above for himself, and that such a man will both find me enchantingly, mouth-wateringly, cock-throbbingly attractive AND joyfully put forth the effort for me and our relationship that we, and the family we will both want to build, need to thrive.

You started helping me believe BOTH of those powerful ideas from the word go. Challenging and testing you the way I did, and the way you not only rose to my challenge but ENJOYED doing it (!!!) proved to me that meeting my most basic need - safety - was absolutely a priority for you, and that I can expect other good men to enjoy rising to the challenge of providing me with what I need as well. That you would not grudgingly or resentfully but JOYFULLY meet my needs for safety, affection, pleasure, support, encouragement, and so much more has healed me deeply. I am crying with gratitude as I write this. Because of this experience with you I already feel confident in challenging the future men I encounter to meet me where I need them to, and to expect that the good matches will enjoy it to boot ;) AND the fact that you refuse to baby me and meet *all* of my needs yourself, only the my needs that *you enjoy fulfilling* - you affirm both that I deserve to have everything I need to flourish AND you model that I shouldn’t feel pressured to meet anybody else’s needs that it doesn’t bring me joy to fulfill, either.

Namaste x 10000, Weaver. You were the answer to a prayer I did not know how to say. It feels like I’ve been working for a spiritual PhD these past two years, and then I knocked out my whole dissertation with you just this week.

HOLY FORKING SHIRT-BALLS SPIDER-MAN!!! LOOK WHAT WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*tackling you and showering you with kisses and love*

Your Lioness

[traumaseraph]

The correlation between the development of a guilt complex and emotional trauma

One of the many symptoms of mental illness that I often see go completely unaddressed is the presence of a guilt complex. Disproportionate levels of guilt can be symptomatic of several disorders, but are most commonly associated with trauma related conditions. A guilt complex is most typically defined as an obsessive fixation on the idea of being in the wrong in any given scenario, and assigning oneself an excessive amount of remorse and shame. Many psychologists believe that guilt complexes arise in early childhood, an are caused by unfair attributions of blame in early stages of cognitive development. Due to this association, many survivors of childhood abuse suffer from guilt complexes, and often go for years completely unaware of their condition. Specifically, victims of emotional abuse are extremely likely to have undiagnosed and untreated guilt complexes due to the taciturn nature of the abuse they experienced. Abusers in such scenarios often use manipulation tactics to convince their victims that the abuse they’re enduring is somehow their fault in order to discourage them from seeking help and comfort. This form of Pavlovian conditioning can instill long lasting guilt complexes in teenage and adult abuse survivors, and the lack of available information on this condition make it difficult to seek treatment. Luckily, there are several easily identifiable symptoms of this affliction.

Common symptoms include:

- Pervasive feelings of anxiety and paranoia over a prolonged period of time. Irrational fear and can be prone to panic attacks. Consistent worries and delusions of inferiority to others.

- Extreme emotional sensitivity, and frequent overreaction to minor problems and issues.

- Use of self deprecating humor and dark jokes as a coping mechanism. Often puts oneself down and emphasizes negative traits casually in conversation.

- Fear of abandonment so intense that one may suffer from delusional paranoia about being abandoned or left.

- Taking responsibility for small, unimportant issues in order to suppress subconscious guilty feelings.

- Self-martyrdom and self-victimization. Habitually seeking out suffering and persecution in order to feel better about the guilt.

- An angry or defensive persona.

- Utilizing any kind of “self punishment” to combat feelings of guilt and remorse. This can include purposefully sabotaging healthy relationships, intentional sleep deprivation, deliberate starvation and food denial, and self harm/self mutilating behaviors. These are the most common, but any form of intentional self destruction can be considered self punishment.

- Uncontrolable negative thought patterns and depressive moods.

- A tendency towards becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs, as well as intense hyperfixations on usually non addictive stimuli. This can lead to substance abuse issues that are difficult to handle.

- Compulsive behaviors of many kinds.

- Poor modulation of impulses.

- Low self esteem and high feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Feeling “undeserving” of happiness, love, or sympathy and working towards an undefinable state of worthiness.

- Excessive compliance, or inversely, fear of authority figures.

- Having dysfunctional relationships with friends, family, and significant others. Difficulty maintaining close interpersonal relationships with peers and loved ones.

- Nihilistic worldview and loss of self sustaining beliefs.

- Experiencing “compassion fatigue,” or helping others at one’s own expense, and offering continued informal support towards as many people as possible despite any emotional distress this may cause. This form of burnout usually caused by prioritizing the wants of others over one’s own needs.

- Fluctuating/unstable sense of self and identity issues. Distorted body image and intense self-loathing.

- Hypervigilance of one’s own faults and issues. Interpretation of one’s own weaknesses as more of a hinderance than they actually are, and over exaggerating the intensity of any given flaw.

- Codependency and attachment-pattern based behaviors.

- Extreme difficulties in communicating one’s own wants and needs. Facing quandaries upon reaching out for help and setting boundaries.

- Shame associated with sexual intimacy and confusion in regards to sexual identity.

- Poor emotional regulation, unstable mood and regular outbursts or meltdowns. Maladaptive emotional management abilities and poor coping skills. Guilt is exponentially increased by any harm caused by these episodes.

- Blaming self for any adverse childhood experiences rather than the actual perpetrator.

- Pathological self-soothing behaviors, such as rocking, scratching or picking at skin, or hair pulling.

- Sense of brokenness or defilement due to negative stigma.

- Isolation and alienation, as well as a sense of complete and utter aloneness. Feeling inadequate due to lack of social interaction.

- Perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. Difficulty distinguishing between others’ wants and needs, and overperforming in most areas to make up for perceived inadequacy.

- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide. Seeking redemption or atonement through suicide.

If you suffer from six or more of these symptoms, please contact your local psychologist, psychiatrist, or general practitioner. There is help available, and seeking therapy and medication can help you overcome your guilt complex. I suffered from a severe complex around the time of my suicide attempt, but I have been able to alleviate the severity of my condition through working with my therapist and school guidance counselors. I still struggle with guilt and shame, but it’s lessened significantly since I began seeking help. I encourage anyone else struggling to do the same.

[soulvomit]

The Memetic Race to the Bottom

On Tumblr, I started seeing that there is a real way how good ideas can go bad simply because the ideas just don’t scale very well outside of the specific conversation they originated in. (The cultural appropriation conversation is one of these.) This does not invalidate the original idea - but a big danger is that a idea dumbing down too much, can make people reluctant to engage with it at all once it’s gotten beyond its original space, so that the scaling into the general public becomes part of the extinction/invalidation cycle of that idea rather than leading to the broad adoption of it. (And then once it does scale to the public, the pushback can cause a full on pendulum swing in the culture - which is where I feel like we are at with the main social meme I’ll be using as an example. The present mainstream culture is a huge *pushback* on that meme, which I’m calling Toxic Independence.) The example I’ll mainly use here, is what I’m calling Toxic Independence, mainly because “Anti-Codependency/Neediness/Enabling Culture” is just too much of a mouthful. This didn’t start off the Objectivist-adjacent space of normalized sociopathy that it became. Codependency, neediness, and enabling, after all, are all actually real things that very much need discussion. But the broader culture just did not know what to do with these concepts once they reached escape velocity into the mass consciousness. In many cases, the idea breaching into mainstream public consciousness, is actually the last stage before it completely gets discarded. This doesn’t always happen, but I feel like I’ve seen it happen with enough ideas. All it takes is for the most dumbed down version of the idea, to become the new “poster child” for that idea, and lots of people to broadly reject it. Eventually, the idea dies out. Another thing that can happen is that a meme can go extinct if the original people with the idea, end up getting deplatformed. Or if the torch just isn’t passed to the next generation. That’s how so many of the more positive Boomer social memes ended up lost by the 1980s, and ultimately, forgotten. The activist/counterculture Boomers were deplatformed and also weren’t the ones having the kids. Every hippie that moved to rural Oregon in the mid-late 70s was a voice lost, and the yuppie Boomers became the dominant cultural force in a lot of spaces. And they managed to pass *some* memes on to Gen X (Toxic Independence or Anti-Codependency/Neediness/Enabling Culture was still a big part of many of my middle class Gen X spaces in the 00s). But sometimes the meme contains the seeds of its own extinction.  I feel like Toxic Independence did. Instead of a broad conversation that I hear in most of my spaces, it’s now a niche conversation in a couple of very, very specific spaces. I would have to actually seek out those conversations. And I still hear people talk about codependence - but it’s in specific addiction/recovery-specific contexts, or among much older people, and nobody seems to be trying to make it the Grand Unified Field Theory of People anymore the way that they were in the 80s. Sometimes the meme comes under broad attack by the culture itself.  As left/right political polarization was picking up speed in the last decade or so, you started seeing Toxic Independence under attack by both the Left *and* the Right, and not even by the most extreme factions of each. The hetero female version came under attack via both intersectional feminism *and* traditionalism, for example. The male version became even more niche and subcultural.   The Personal Development movement of the 00s was probably this meme’s final form. But even PD environments aren’t pushing this anymore to nearly the same extent, and the PD people who promoted it, are now mocked to some degree: I don’t feel like people are as universally told to cut off their ill, disabled, or unemployed family members the way they were in the 80s and 90s. I mean, there may still be this pressure in a lot of spaces, but I don’t feel like it’s as overt and aggressive outside of specific socioeconomic niches and professions. When I was around Landmark people in 2016, the conversations were fundamentally different from the ones I had with Landmark people in 2003.  Now, it seems like you only get to go away once you become rich enough to throw money at the problem, or are sociopathic enough to be unaffected.  Sometimes the conversation moves on because future generations change the conversation via trial and error. It’s coming out in the wash that while the first generation of people to do it en masse may have fucked it up (and then written it off as not at all working - which is what a lot of Toxic Independence was a response to), there’s been a good 50 years of R&D on the problem since. It turns out that cooperative co-living (with mutualistic, not parallel-independent or nuclear, household economies) was the meme that just wouldn’t die. The failures of white hippies weren’t because co-living doesn’t work, but probably owe more to being the first generation of middle class white people to try to figure out for the first time what everyone else has already been doing forever. Sometimes the social space shifts: geek culture is becoming a much bigger share of the middle class than before, and I feel like Toxic Independence never really caught on in geek culture the way it did in the 80s mainstream aspirational space. If anything, geek culture was the one space where a lot of hippie torches ended up passed - for example, the idea that you can have a household that doesn’t consist of one provider male and a bunch of dependents, *and* you can also have a household that doesn’t consist of two fungible co-equal earners each half-financing a significant lifestyle upgrade, and that functional households don’t have to have any one particular shape to them.  Most geek spaces I’ve ever been in, have been mixed economy to some degree. Geek households seem to come in a whole variety of shapes. There seems to be a greater acceptance of people helping or even supporting unrelated adults in many geek spaces in ways that I haven’t seen outside of geek culture, which is where we get the conversation about “that guy on the couch” but it’s also why it’s a space I’ve been able to stay in since becoming a low income person with chronic pain. (We really, really need to have a conversation about the geek culture’s problem with grifters and con artists, though. And geek culture could probably *use* a little more conversation about codependency. But this is a serious place where I don’t know how to not throw out babies with the bathwater, because that same discussion is where Toxic Independence came out of. And how to have that conversation but not fuck over the very, very many disabled people in geek culture? I don’t know.) The privilege and ableism assumptions in Toxic Independence made the whole thing fall apart like a house of cards when confronted with the Great Recession and actual intersectionality discourse. Also, the pendulum swing toward online transparency and vulnerability made it so that we began to actually see more of the shape of each other’s lives - and this revealed that so much of Toxic Independence was based on smoke and mirrors. Sometimes the environment around us changes.  In the 80s, it was possible to be totally self-contained the way that the books told us to be, on a much lower income than would be required now. In the 80s, you could live like this and be middle income. It’s much harder when you actually have to  Now, in many spaces, you probably have to be high professional income to pull this off, at minimum, *and* it assumes you will never end up primary financial support or primary caregiver for *anyone* (unless you’re wealthy enough to not require any kind of mutualistic relationship with any co-caregivers.) (This is a way that traditionalism actually was part of the death knell, I suspect. It tries to hold onto a family shape that even predates Toxic Independence *and* it explicitly identifies Toxic Independence - under other names - as a problem.) Lots of people have had to fundamentally change the shape of their households and lives to *remain* middle class, whereas 80s psychology around being middle class was hugely about shedding as many dependencies as possible.   You can only really be totally self-contained the way that the books told us to be in the 80s, if you are financially stable, if your parents are financially well set, and if you have no dependents, and if your social space allows absolutely no weaker parties.  It’s clear to me that while Boomers could carry on with Toxic Independence (so long as they actually retire affluent), Toxic Independence stopped working for a lot of Gen X. Most Gen Xrs I know are having to juggle multiple dependencies. Toxic Independence just does not work for the middle class of the Sandwich Generation. Many, many ideas get thrown away because of the Memetic Race to the Bottom; the Memetic Race to the Bottom can make lots of perfectly sound issues very, very difficult to seriously engage, and often the entire framework has to be thrown away. Which means that if there was a grievance by a marginalized party that started the whole conversation, the whole discussion has been taken away from them and the milestone shifted. (This has happened with any discussion of cultural appropriation that isn’t centered specifically in ethnically/racially specific contexts, for example.) When something is in its end phases, you’ll notice that younger people are not taking that idea up. Newer experts aren’t exploring it. The original fans or adherents will still be there, though, and they’ll eventually get older. But the ideas they talk about, will stay within their group, and the memetic space they occupy will lose broad relevance.  There is always life experience, educational background, professional context (was this a conversation between academics? Was it a policy conversation?), and *specificity* (such as, specific events - for example, *specific* grievances) in the original conversation, and when the ideas scale, it becomes a race to the bottom for whichever member of the general public (who was the least involved in the original conversation) has the least nuanced, broadest, most authoritarian, most prescriptive interpretation. And this is what happened to codependency, how it devolved from something that actually had a specific meaning and context within addiction psychology (and to my knowledge, still do), to a set of toxic social memes that mainly were about providing a social scaffold for 80s/90s middle class/yuppie selfishness culture - a way to weaponize what amounted to Applied Objectivism 101. I’ve found it really hard to talk about codependency for years because of this.  For example, I don’t feel like I’ve met anyone younger than Gen X who identifies as codependent unless they’re actually using it in an addiction/recovery context; that is not the language that Millennials and Zoomers seem to be using. I feel like it’s mostly Boomers, Jones, and Xrs that I’ve heard use these concepts, and I’ve stopped hearing them used by Xrs so much in the past 15 years.

[padnick]

Hi, my name is Steven Padnick, and I’m codependent.

Codependence is an addiction, but unlike an alcoholic or gambler, I don’t need liquor or risk. I need to be needed. I have a compulsive need to be seen as a good person, as kind, as reliable, as useful. 

If that doesn’t sound bad, understand the compulsive part is the problem. The most obvious symptom of codependency is an inability to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. On the one hand, I will go to great lengths to please others, often compromising my body or moral values, because I do not, and cannot, express my reservations. Standing up for myself, expressing my needs, saying “no,” makes me feel bad. Very bad. Guilty. Like a failure. This allows people, wittingly and unwittingly, to take advantage of me. 

And on the other hand, I will intentionally put myself in positions where I can feel needed. I will seek out people that I think “need” my help, and then overwhelm them with care. I will mother them, give them everything I think they need. I will manage their environment, carefully moving pieces to make sure they are not made upset. And I will manipulate them, lie to them and use passive aggressive tactics to change their behavior to “improve” them. And of course, when all of my efforts go unappreciated, either because they weren’t asked for and weren’t wanted, or because I hid how much effort I took, I become resentful, angry, impulsive, and destructive.

In the end, my “need to be needed” isn’t about helping others at all, really. It’s about controlling how other perceive me. It’s about creating the illusion of intimacy without actually risking vulnerability.

At the heart of codependency, at the heart of my codependency, is low self-worth. I do not, on a fundamental level, believe I have much worth. I was raised to believe that I needed to earn love, care, and protection. Not that my parents didn’t love me, it’s just that their love seemed intimately tied to my academic success. They cared about my emotions, but my emotions needed to be controlled and constrained. And they did not protect me from my abusive older sister, either punishing us both when we fought, or leaving us to “work it out ourselves.” That left specific emotional scars, particularly that my problems literally weren’t worth burdening others with, that admitting to my failures would leave me open to rejection and abandonment, and that I could only keep people in my life by achieving great things and being useful to others.

This low self worth directly leads to an inability to process emotions, mine and others, in a healthy, adult way. By adult, I mean identifying my emotion and its immediate cause, and finding a way to express that emotion in a way that’s safe for me and respectful of other, and being able to be present when someone else does the same. Instead, strong emotions make me feel unsafe and insecure, so I resort to childish responses. I shut down, act as if I don’t feel anything. Or I need to be comforted and told it will be okay, which often ignores the actual emotion and its actual cause. Or I will explode in defensive anger. Or resort to manipulation, promising to do whatever I need to in order to soothe the other person. Or, and this is particularly pernicious, I will rely on “empathy,” assuming I am perceptive enough to deduce how the other person is feeling and why, and act on my deduction, without ever having to go through the hassle of actually talking about feelings. And I will assume that other people can deduce my feelings without me actively expressing them, and then become resentful when they fail to do so.

This inability to process emotions creates an absolutely delusional inner world. I assume I am physically, emotionally, and intellectually stronger than other people. That “I can take it.” I assume responsibility for the emotions and lives of others, assuming they can’t help themselves, and at the same time reject the idea that my actions might be making their lives worse. I don’t understand my emotions, and thus my motivations, in the moment, only realizing how I felt sometimes weeks later (or months, or years), often doing things that make me ask “why am I like this?” 

These delusions make it basically impossible to perform self-care. First off, I have trouble admitting that I have any needs or wants. I’m strong, I tell myself. I’m fine. It’s ok. Other people suffer, I help them. And when I can identify needs and wants, I have trouble valuing them enough to ask others for help, or putting my needs above the wants of others. And even when I can do that, I have trouble prioritizing my needs over my wants. I want to be liked, I want to invited to the cool parties, but I need sleep, food, emotional support, and time to work on my own art. 

And when I do find someone who gives me what I need, including and especially the feeling of being needed, without me having to make myself emotionally vulnerable and actually ask, I will do everything in my power to keep them in my life, which leads to a) they take advantage of me, and b) I manipulate and manage them until they feel like they cannot leave.

So, you see, it’s real bad.

Okay, so that’s me at my worst. What’s the treatment?

I’ve been in therapy for codependency for about a year now, and here’s what I’ve learned.

First, and this isn’t a surprise, I admitted I have a problem. Importantly, I admitted I have a problem that I cannot, cannot cannot, solve on my own. Since the core of codependency is a fear of asking for help, trying to fix myself by myself is a little like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. 

The second step is apologizing to those that I hurt. Those that I lied to, those that I betrayed or disappointed. I have to admit that I was wrong, and I need to try to make amends for it. That can be very hard, sometimes impossible, because some of the people I hurt, the ones I hurt the worst, don’t want to ever hear from me ever again. Even when they’re willing to listen, I can’t repay them the time and emotional anguish I caused. I can give them information, I can take responsibility for my actions, I can be open to hearing what they want and need and try to give them that, but honestly there are some wounds I caused that I can never make up for. That’s hard for me to accept, that I will never be forgiven, but accept it I will. 

And the third and final step is to fix myself with therapy, particularly group therapy and marriage counseling. As a codependent, I often feel alone, isolated. Therapy with others alleviates that feeling. Hearing other people that feel the way that I do, that suffer as I have and are also on a path of recovery, either where I was or where I want to be, makes me feel better about myself. And practicing expressing my own strong emotions and sitting with the strong emotions of others, with people I care about, in a safe and controlled environment, is good practice for learning to do that all the time.

And using therapy, my game plan is to work outside in. Start by setting boundaries. I say no if I don’t want to do something, even when, especially when, I feel guilty about doing so. It turns out there are surprisingly few things that I actually HAVE to do, as opposed to want to do. I practice allowing people to struggle with problems, even when I think I have the solution, unless they explicitly ask for help. More often than not, my “solution” is based on my personal experience and not useful to their particular situation. And I am ruthlessly honest about my limitations, be they physical, emotional, or moral. I am not Superman, and I have to admit that to myself and others.

Having set and maintained boundaries, I can work on taking care of myself. I know Self-Care is sometimes dismissed as “spa day,” but it’s literally taking care of myself the way I want to take care of a friend. That means identifying and attending to my basic needs and wants. As someone who has denied those needs for a lifetime, this can be hard, but fortunately I have Maslov to help me. It’s pretty easy to work my way up his hierarchy of needs. Food, sleep, health, companionship. Harder than identifying those needs is asking for help when those needs aren’t being met, but I can fake it till I make it, just bluntly asking for what I need, even when I feel like I’m being a burden. Again, I’m often surprised by how much people want to help me, want to give me what I need, they just didn’t know I needed anything.

Once I have a practice of setting boundaries and getting help for my needs, my inner world becomes clearer. Here, particularly, is where individual therapy, rather than a group, is very useful. Speaking to a therapist, giving voice to my doubts and fears, my beliefs and ideals, really helps me see the patterns, the learned coping mechanisms, where those mechanisms break down. Here I can talk about traumas, about feelings, and practice sitting with them, processing them, having a healthy assessment of myself and my own capabilities.

And from there I learn to value myself. I don’t need to earn my worth, I can just see myself as worthy. And if I can see myself as worthy, then I work back out. I am worthy, and my feelings are worth expressing and being addressed. And the feelings of others are no threat to my worth. Understanding emotions gives me an accurate understanding of the world and myself. An accurate understanding of myself and my needs means I know how to care for myself and ask for what I need. With my needs met, I can set and maintain healthy boundaries, help those who want my help, ask for help from those that can help me, and allow the adults in my life to be adults.

Make no mistake, this is not a solved issue, but rather a cycle of consistent self improvement. Better boundaries-> better self-care -> better self-assessment -> better emotional processing -> greater self worth -> better emotional processing -> better self-assessment -> better self-care -> better boundaries. And then repeat.

I will always be codependent. I will always want to be needed. And sometimes I will slip up, try to manage the lives of others, or lie to protect myself. But I don’t have to be controlled by my compulsions, and I can admit to my mistakes, and I can apologize and try to make up for them. 

I can admit that I am flawed, and can grow, and I will grow. I promise.

[voyage-in-the-dark]

Ep 7: 3 Steps To Recover From Codependency An episode of Love With Integrity By Silvy Khoucasian

Codependency can happen when we're giving up all of our needs, making too many sacrifices to accommodate the other person in our lives, whether it's a partner, friend, family member... When we fail to voice our own needs. We can even become super possessive or jealous because we put so much value on the other person and fear losing them, especially if they're bringing a large chunk of joy and happiness into our lives and if we're depending on them for that.

Codependency usually has a power dynamic. One person holds the majority of the power in the relationship, while the other enters a more passive, enabling role. We can make excuses for the other person. It's very similar to giving up our needs, right? When we're not owning our needs, we're dismissing ourselves, making excuses for someone else's behavior. Oftentimes, you see this when there's alcoholism, or the partner is using certain kinds of drugs, or any kind of addiction. It can be addictions to video games, porn, just addictive behaviors that are impairing/hurting the relationship, but we are making excuses for their behavior rather than calling them out in a loving way.

So this has a lot of enabling qualities to it. Enabling our partner when they're not willing to do their own work. Let's say we just really value growth, and it doesn't necessarily mean that our partner isn't growing themselves, they don't need to have that label of self-growth, but when we have a partner that's really really stuck in an area of their life, or we are having major communication issues in our relationship, and we are doing our best to be vulnerable and doing our part, and our partner is not meeting us in that, or a friend is not willing to do that, and we become enablers when we are not setting those boundaries, when we are not speaking to how that is affecting us. And it creates an unhealthy power dynamic.

Like I mentioned, not addressing our partner's addiction, or mental illness, you know, sometimes our partner may be struggling with trauma or depression or anxiety. And of course we want to be very sensitive and careful in bringing these things up. But when it is severely impacting their health, it's only a matter of time before that starts to affect us as well.

Another way we can become codependent is when we over-rely on our partner to fix us or make us happy. Or when we empathize too much with someone as a way to avoid facing our own pain. There's a really common theme of guilt for people that really struggle with codependency, where we often don't set boundaries because we don't wanna feel that guilt, we don't wanna feel bad, we don't wanna be that bad guy, we can't tolerate that feeling, so we'll avoid conflicts at all costs. We might even violate our own values to hold on to a partner or a friendship or a family member.

So the theme of really revolving around the other person is something that I've really struggled with tremendously in my own journey. ... As a sensitive person, I didn't always speak what my limits were. And because of that, I made the other person's experiences more important than my own. 

Another way for me was I'd give and give and give and overgive, and end up feeling super resentful, angry and wanting to blame the other person. And while oftentimes the people in my life weren't forcing me to give, of course, they were taking it because I was so freely delivering things, but I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't giving in small doses and saying, "You know, this is what I'm able to do today, and this is what I can provide." I wasn't aware and valuing my own limits. So pay attention if this is something you personally struggle with, that sense of over-giving, and then starting to get enmeshed with the other person. In a lot of ways, we might make decisions to get approval from someone else rather than decisions for our own benefit.

...

The common theme in all these experiences is that self-abandonment. And that self-abandonment can come in many different ways. Whenever we abandon ourselves to keep the peace or keep another, we lose. In reality, our partner, friend or family member loses too, because we will end up feeling so much resentment and there will be so much imbalance in the relationship, that even the person who is unknowingly taking so much is going to suffer. So, paying attention to when we start losing our sense of separateness and boundaries from another person... one of the things for me is I had a huge sense of my identity tied to taking care of people. So, paying attention to if that's something that you resonate with, and make sense of why these patterns and behaviors are so difficult to change, because they're so rooted with how you identify yourselves, and being really mindful and compassionate with yourself as you bring awareness to these habits.

The person that is in the enabling role, that is the person who is codependent, the neglecting-of-self role, has to be the one to speak up and recognize how enmeshed they are. They need to see how intensely they are focused on another person to get their needs met in unrealistic ways. And paying attention to how that shows up for you.

So, I'm going to give you three different steps to heal.

My biggest suggestion is finding a support group, working with a therapist.

Paying attention to where else can we get certain needs met? It's learning to trust that the relationship will still be there if we focus on ourselves. For people who are codependent, we have such a focus, an outside focus on taking care of the others, wanting to fix their problems, that we don't bring that same self-care to ourselves. We don't trust that we can take that step back and the relationship won't step back. So, journalling can really help, or having affirmations, but not that kind of toxic positivity where you just override where you are, but just gentle, loving statements, "I'm learning as I go", "I'm doing the best I can". These are loving and soothing statements rather than, "I'm not codependent", or "I'm perfectly healed as I am". Don't try to take the affirmations too far. Subtle, simple movements towards the healing and awareness that you want. "I'm feeling more awareness than I ever felt before", "I'm willing to see habits that will help me grow." Notice that they're still loving, but they're very grounded and rooted in reality.

And acknowledging that we put those really heavy expectations on other people is a big step too. Going to the relationships in our lives, where we have been perhaps expecting a lot from them and letting them know, "It looks like I've been really expecting a lot from you these days, I don't know how healthy that actually is for us, I don't know if that is actually fair for us." Even something simple like, "I'm going to have to set some boundaries with myself, and I know that's going to be hard, but please know that our relationship is very important to me".

The second step, is not shaming yourself for not knowing any better. Because if you knew better, you'd do better! It's so easy to start beating ourselves up and shaming ourselves, "Why did I give so much, why did I sacrifice so much of ourselves". Well, you had to play this out over and over again until you hit your rock bottom. Well, oftentimes we don't change until we are suffering enough that we need to implement behaviors. And so, honor that. Honor that process. If you hadn't gotten to that point of suffering enough, you won't have made those changes. And so, allow yourself to be proud of yourself for seeing these patterns and wanting to take different steps.

The third step, the action step, is really important. It is to put those boundaries up. "This is how much time I'm going to be able to spend supporting you today. I'm going to be able to be here for an hour, and then I'm going to have to go home." Setting some boundaries for yourself, maybe taking some time when you're home before meeting with a partner or a friend, and really checking in before you say 'yes' to an invitation. How can you do this event or go to this event or engage with this person in a way where it's mutually beneficial -- you still feel the connection, but you give yourself permission to not say 'yes' to every call of support.

What that looks like for me, when someone invites me to a podcast or to speak at an event or even my partner asks me to come to an event or a friend's gathering... In the past, I'd jump to say yes, I'd want to please him, I'd want to just do the thing that would make things easy to deal with. Now, one of the practices I do is, "I'm gonna need just a couple of days to think about it", and really giving myself a couple of days to feel into whether this is something I wanna do. I don't always do this, sometimes it's just, 'Yes! I wanna do this", or "No, this doesn't feel good". But for some of the things where we're just having a really overwhelming day, and I feel really stressed, and I don't want to make decisions from that kind of place, because my go-to is, "Yes", it's that pleasing. So starting to practice communicating boundaries. Even saying, "I'm not sure yet", is a boundary. And allowing yourself time to process and integrate whether something is good for you.

And this is gonna feel like a stretch, you guys, it's gonna feel counter-intuitive and deeply uncomfortable, because your pattern is to abandon yourself. You might even get resistance from your partner or your friends or other people in your life. That's normal and to be expected, because you're shifting the entire dynamic of the relationship. And that's the tricky thing with boundaries, paying attention to “It's okay if people are a little uncomfortable with our boundaries, but are they still being supportive about that”. It's one thing if someone in our lives is shaming us, putting us down or criticizing us for our boundaries. It's another thing if someone else is confused, struggling or going through their own process. That can happen. So, you can speak into that. That's actually something I really recommend. You could say something like, "You know, I know things feel weird because we're used to me kind of always being there in a certain way, and I'm still here, but I just really need to take care of myself, otherwise I'm not gonna have anything to give to you." And this transition phase might take some time. And you get to assess whether those around you are genuinely trying to find a way to support you even as they feel uncomfortable. So that's an important distinction to remember.

[amwritingmeta]

My dear, you are the most interesting writer of the fandom. I truly believe without knowing you in person that you are a fine human being. This I'm asking you, because I recall a piece of Meta you wrote almost a year ago about how it will be difficult to make Destiel Canon, because of the nature of show business. Now, about your last post of the color purple. Let me ask you honestly, you don't think at some point that all this things are a proof of queerbating if Destiel doesn't go Canon? Thanks

Hello, lovely Nonny! And oh wow *blushes violently* that’s one helluva compliment. And I must stress that I’m the most average human being to ever average! But thank you for saying such sweet things! Jeez Louise what a way to spend a Sunday! :D

And omg what a callback to the early days! I do remember that post, actually. It was in response to a queerbaiting discussion, but I cannot find the original to save my life so I’ll just run with it:

I do need to clarify that I believe what I said wasn’t that it is/will be/would be difficult to make Destiel canon because of the nature of show business, but rather that our fucked up world, and what it means for a show to launch itself with a queer lead, has informed how Dean Winchester and his presentation has been handled in the media and by the cast and writers/show runners. 

And, naturally, how Dean Winchester is presented must inform how Destiel is handled as well. Because Dean is our protagonist. 

I mean, this is my theory here and I cannot prove a single word of it, so take all of this with grains of salt - all I can give you is what makes sense to me when looking at the narrative and what I see as the intent of that narrative.

Whether Dean was always meant to be the protagonist, or meant to be the secondary character to Sam’s protagonist (roles which are established in the Pilot), is of little consequence here, what matters is that you can trace bi-Dean back to the Pilot. That side to his personality is present in the Pilot. Dean was always meant to be queer coded. Why not overtly so?

Well, the way I see: the show wanted a predominantly male audience for a reason. Because the show is about deconstructing the masculine ideal and teaching boys and men that denying who you are based on the terribly old-fashioned belief that “feelings make you weak” is not only wrong, but detrimental because the truth is this –>

–> you choose who to be, and you can be ANYONE YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS

–> no one can ever tell you it’s wrong

–> there is no weird, everyone’s normal in their own way

–> and what makes a “man” is not fucking defined by the social norm bullshit of patriarchal gender oppression!!

*and breathe*

Granted, had the show actually ended in S5, this message wouldn’t have been as impactful as it is now, after thirteen years of character journey and evolution, after thirteen years of self denial and fear of happiness. But had the show ended in S5 I’m still convinced we could’ve gotten a reflection of what we’re driving towards now.

S5 could easily have climaxed with Sam and Dean ending the codependency, and Dean - instead of mistrusting Sam being able to defeat Lucifer - actually letting him go, letting him grow up, telling him “you got this”

It could easily have ended with a different angle on Cas’ arc, set up in S4 with Anna and echoed in 5x04 with Endverse human!Cas, where Cas actually chooses to give up his grace and ends up human for that final fight (not just rendered powerless and human-esque after carving that sigil into his chest)

And with Cas human, he would not have gone back to Heaven, we would have ended with Cas and Dean in the Impala, and I can see how the flirting that Dean tries to start up in 5x03 with the Thelma and Louise moment could’ve been built on throughout the season to TELL us that Dean is undeniable attracted to Cas and that it runs deeper than that and, once Cas chose humanity, they would’ve given us this love story in text for the end of the season because Cas would recognise his own feelings as well

And, you know, we could’ve gotten Sam back - the search for God and the hopelessness it rendered ending in God revealing himself and repaying Sam’s sacrifice with life and freedom… 

Because S5 is all about daddy issues in need of resolution and the codependency between the brothers highlighted (as it is in most seasons of course)

But, be aware, this is truly, truly just me seeing possibilities in the structure of the narrative and hell, I’m not going to pretend I actually know the mind of Eric Kripke, yeah? Yeah, no. 

But I honestly, truly believe the pattern of Dean’s bisexuality is there for a narrative reason, which means the reason I got into the queerbaiting discussion was to refute the claims and state my disagreement with them, because you can’t call it queerbaiting when the narrative function of this incredibly important character detail is hit on again and again and again on the show. 

It’s not there for the shits and giggles, you know? It’s not there as some sort of hook for the LGBTQ community. It is a key component of Dean Winchester’s character makeup and it’s at the heart of the reason why he ever needed to go through this journey in the first place, this journey of opening up to love and to being loved for who he is by letting go of his preconceived notions of who he has to be, notions that it’s established in canon have been informed by toxic masculinity.

And this is one of the most powerful why-hearts of any story: searching for one’s true identity and, in doing so, having to face one’s deepest fears and conquer them. 

The deconstruction of the masculine ideal is being done through Dean finding a reason to shed his toxic masculinity, and this reason is tied to his love for Cas. 

Could this have been done with Cas being a woman? YES! That’s the whole point for me. 

Cas’ gender is not important for Dean’s character progression or the role Cas plays in ensuring it - Cas the CHARACTER and his PERSONALITY are what’s important. The way these two men compliment each other emotionally are what’s important. The way they challenge and push and support each other’s growth is what’s important. This is why it has always been a love story - from first frame of footage. (to my mind) (I know not everyone agrees with this assessment)

And the POINT of Cas being a man instead of a woman is, for me, that it pushes the deconstruction of the masculine ideal to its very breaking point, because the ideal is idiotic and prescribes to societal norms that, honestly, are beginning to flake at the edges in modern society as is, thank goodness. 

The ideal is gender normative - men are men and women are women and everything is black and white and straightforward. So to build Dean Winchester into the epitome of the masculine ideal - the man’s man, the stud, the cowboy, the hero - and have him still retain all the qualities that make him that man’s man, that stud, that cowboy, that hero - while also softening him and opening him up and revealing that deep emotional life and all that longing for love and communication and equality and all the personality traits he’s always possessed (and we’ve always seen them) that, according to societal norm, are considered feminine, well, that’s a deconstruction of the masculine ideal worth writing home to grandma about, know what I’m saying?

Consider a woman being the one to open him up to love. Well, we kind of got that with Lisa, didn’t we? Only she wasn’t real. She was a representation of what Dean wants for himself: home love family - but she was, in the end, proven an illusion. Dean was not happy playing house: because he was playing house, still stuck in playing a part he never chose for himself because of course Dean Winchester was never meant to give up the life. The reason he’s broken and lost isn’t that he was raised a hunter (saving people gives his life great meaning and purpose), but that he’s stuck performing. 

So what if Cas was a woman? 

Yeah. He could’ve been a woman. But the fact that Cas is a man adds a layer to Dean’s search for his true identity that would otherwise be lost. Without the love story being Dean falling for a man, they have no real narrative way to highlight his bisexuality without baking it into the narrative simply to have him be a bisexual character. Make sense?

And they didn’t build Dean as overtly bisexual because if they had:

he would have been immediately put in a character niche and the audience they want to appeal to –>

the audience that believes in the masculine ideal as truth, or that are subconsciously influenced by it daily –>

that audience would’ve been lost to them –>

because they would’ve thought “gay” and switched channel –>

no matter how man’s man and heroic Dean Winchester still is with that pink/purple/blue label across his chest

Men enjoying following the story of a man who is attracted to other men will make the men following that story question why they enjoy it, and no man’s man wants to start wondering about their own sexuality. (yup that is a generalisation but one that is based in truth no?) 

“Liking bisexual Dean Winchester might mean I’m gay. So thanks but no thanks. Moving on.”

Like I said: societal norms = stupidity. Okay, actually, that’s not fair or true. The societal norms equal narrow mindedness and fear. And this is always forgivable, because it’s addressable and changeable. 

But this is also the reason why Dean is not canonically in our faces bisexual. (though he might as well be) (like sheesh doesn’t take a magnifying glass)

And this ^^^ is why Cas needs to be a man. Because it completes the deconstruction of the masculine ideal to such a degree, while retaining Dean Winchester’s already established characteristics, because Dean will still be all Dean once he’s actually with Cas, that the question of “What makes a man a man?” should be a resounding one. 

Is Dean Winchester not a badass, brave and tough as nails hero simply because he has softer sides and fancies dudes - one dude in particular? 

Of. course. he. fucking. is.

You are a man because you identify as a man; liking flowery wallpaper and crying your eyes out to Charlotte’s Web does not somehow transform you into something other or lesser than a man. Like… WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS IDEA EVEN COME FROM WHY DOES ANYONE ADHERE TO IT SOMETIMES I JUST

Now, about your last post of the color purple. Let me ask you honestly, you don’t think at some point that all this things are a proof of queerbating if Destiel doesn’t go Canon?

Yeah, so why am I going into great detail to clarify my stance on the structure of this narrative and the approach to Destiel through the presentation of Dean Winchester as the masculine ideal? To answer this ^^^^^ part of your ask!

Because all of the above statements and my view on how this narrative has been built, the way the characters have been built, the way all of it fits together, including my colour theory that you mention :), all of it is the reason why I argue so strongly against the queerbaiting allegations.

And it’s why I cannot, for even one second, fathom that where we’re headed is not towards positive endgame and the tying up of our love story.

Destiel, to me, is already canon. Subtext is such an important part to any text and absolutely no doubt hands down it’s extremely important to the SPN text. 

Dean’s character progression and evolution to where he’s at right now has been built through subtext, and through the deeper subtextual bond he shares with Cas. 

What’s telling is that this becomes even clearer when Cas has been missing from the narrative. Dean made leaps and bounds worth of character growth while thinking Cas dead in S7 (Sera knew what she was doing) and we got a sharpened and focused callback to the depiction of that loss in S13. (gorgeous stuff) Not to mention how Dean has acted as a catalyst for Cas’ character progression and evolution.

This is how you build a love story.

And this is why I’ve been saying since last summer that if we don’t get this love story pushed to the forefront in undeniable ways in S13 I will eat that over-priced and not-yet-purchased hat as self-punishment for being crap at interpreting this narrative, but the way S13 is going… 

All this stated, yes, of course, if they somehow fail to follow through then it will be the greatest case of queerbaiting in the history of fandom. 

But I believe, with every fibre of my being, that they’re following through. 

Okay, that got away from me a little, but it was very enjoyable to readdress the issue of SPN and queerbaiting and I’m amazed you remember that post!! Thanks so much for asking, lovely! And I hope I answered your question. :)

xx

[your-dietician]

How To Become A Boundary Boss, According To A Celebrity Psychotherapist

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/how-to-become-a-boundary-boss-according-to-a-celebrity-psychotherapist/

How To Become A Boundary Boss, According To A Celebrity Psychotherapist

Terri Cole

Terri Cole

Do you say “yes” at work when you want to say “no?”

Do you put in hours in the evening and on weekends?

Are you immediately responsive to every email or message you receive from your boss or coworkers?

If you’re nodding your head, then you’re in need of better boundaries at work.

Healthy boundaries are among the most powerful tools for taking charge of your time, attention, and energy. Setting limits helps you maintain balance and self-respect.

But setting boundaries is not easy, especially if you consider yourself to be someone who is highly empathetic and sensitive. You may worry about appearing rude, mean, or dismissive.

It’s time to let that unhelpful narrative go, according to Terri Cole. Terri Cole is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars, athletes, TV personalities to thought-leaders and Fortune 500 CEOs.

Now in her new book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, Cole shares how women who are exhausted from over-giving, overdoing, and even over-feeling can regain their power.

I sat down with Cole to discuss her new book.

Melody Wilding: Many people have misconceptions about boundaries. Can you explain how you define boundaries?

Terri Cole: To become a boundary boss, as in to be healthy with your boundaries, you need to know what your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers are. You have to be able to clearly and concisely communicate those boundaries if you so choose.

Wilding: Your new book is Boundary Boss, what inspired you to write it?

Cole: They often say you teach what you most need to learn. I had lots of practice and personal experience in how painful it is to have disordered boundaries and “the disease to please.” I kept trying to be everything to everyone.

I was the hero child in my family growing up, so I got into therapy when I was very young. As to why I latched onto boundaries, well that goes back to my childhood. For instance, nobody would talk about anything that was too uncomfortable or messy. We did not work stuff out. There wasn’t a lot of honest communication, it was disordered communication. Disordered communication leads to disordered boundaries. I wasn’t even allowed to be angry in the home that I grew up in. So my anger went underground, which means that if I was angry I would express it in a passive aggressive way. Rolling eyes, slamming doors, etc.

Then when I worked as a talent agent in the entertainment industry, the more I saw people’s disordered boundaries, the more I wanted to fix them. Now I have a private psychotherapy practice and I see the same things. It doesn’t matter what the presenting problem is–divorce, money, addiction–every single presenting problem connects back to the all-important skill set of boundary setting. Disordered boundaries are literally at the core level of every one of their pain points.

So I started learning more about boundaries and how to teach them. About five years ago, I created a course about boundaries and tested it with about 50 women. Now I’ve refined that course and I’ve probably now had 2,500 women in 195 countries go through it, which is mind-blowing. So that’s the book, it is basically the fruits of almost 24 years in the trenches with clients.

Wilding: What or who is a boundary boss? 

Cole: Let’s talk about the skills that you would possess if you are a boundary boss. The first is doing a deep dive into what’s okay with you versus what’s not okay with you in all areas of your life. After I describe a concept in the book, I then have a section called “back to you” to help you think about what you just learned. I’m asking you these questions: How does this strike you? How does this affect you in your life? Is this true for you? Is this different for you? This is intended to help you know who you are, to help you identify what’s not okay with you, and to give you the ability to speak it.

Another part of being a boundary boss though is about understanding how old material controls us. You have a boundary blueprint that was downloaded in your childhood right here in your unconscious mind – culture, country, family, religion – all of it comes together to inform you of how you should be.

There’s a process that I walk the reader through where we are going into the basement of your mind, which is your unconscious mind. You’re opening up some boxes and going through the material in there because so much of what happens in our lives–especially the dysfunctional parts–is driven by unconscious material.

Boundary bosses understand the different types of boundaries. Boundaries come in five general categories: physical, sexual, material, mental, and emotional. When any of these boundaries are crossed, we’re in trouble. Further, boundaries come in three types: rigid, porous, and healthy. Understanding these types will help you to see where your boundary issues might be so you can start to correct them. Are your emotional boundaries way too porous? Are your mental boundaries too rigid? Where are you flexible and balanced?

Finally, boundary bosses create a personal “bill of rights.” As in, you have the right to say no or yes to others without feeling guilty. You have the right to make mistakes, to course-correct, or to change your mind. You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs. You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings if you so choose. You have the right to voice your opinion, even if others disagree. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and you have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life. You’re the bouncer of your life, so put up that velvet rope. You have the right to communicate your boundary limits and deal-breakers. You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish, which is a huge one for women. You have the right to talk, to be seen, and to live free.

Wilding: In the book, you talk about high functioning codependency. Can you talk about how this shows up for people in a professional or work setting? 

Cole: High functioning codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes of the people in your sphere. This is to the detriment of your internal experience, perhaps your health, your life in some way, your bandwidth, your energy.

Most of my clients did not identify with being codependent. I would see these high-functioning women who are literally changing the world, and I would say, “Hey, let’s talk about codependency.” They thought I was nuts because they thought of themselves as the one with all the answers, as the person everyone else depended on. They thought being codependent meant you had to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. But really if someone else’s disaster or debacle feels like your own and you feel an urgency as if it were your life, that’s codependency.

Here’s the high-functioning piece: the women in my therapy practice are so high functioning and capable that it’s as if they’re doing it all and making it look easy. So because no one sees the pain or the suffering, they are giving at the expense of themselves. In my therapy practice, I see the result–women coming in with auto-immune disorders, being bitter because they felt like everyone else was ungrateful. In reality, these clients were over-giving and blaming those people.

As women, we want to be “good girls.” We want to be nice, generous, and kind. But what we also want is the dumpster fire of that other person’s life to stop ruining our peace. We think if we could just fix their problems, then maybe we can rest.

To move past this, the first thing you have to do is to look at where your self-esteem is coming from. Perfectionism is a big part of this over-functioning and over-giving but there’s also a need that is being meet. So awareness is the first step. Then you have to do an inventory check. Where are you doing things for other people that they can and should be doing for themselves?

If you are doing work that is not yours, stop. If you’re working overtime or you’re letting your vacation days accrue instead of taking them, stop. By doing these things, you are telling people how to treat you in all ways. Our relationship with ourselves sets the bar. If you don’t think that you’re valuable enough to rest, that’s a problem. Where are you over-giving? If you want to know where you’re overdoing these things, think about the people you work with and then gauge your resentment level.

Wilding: You talk about “clean agreements.” What are those and why are they important?

Cole: Clean agreements are expressed agreements. We make no assumptions about what’s happening and we are managing expectations for all involved. The same as when you start a new job, you have a clear agreement of terms. You might compromise on one part of that agreement, but you do not start that job without a clear promise of terms. Clean and clear agreements involve anticipating everything that could go wrong and putting a proactive boundary in place.

This is can be very difficult for women. There’s still this stigma around asking for what you’re worth. The same with entrepreneurs in their own business. I can’t tell you how many of my clients say they haven’t raised my prices in five years. They don’t want their clients to think they’re greedy. However, we have to have proactive boundaries in place.

With my team, we do “rules of engagement.” This is where they’re all clear about the best way to interact with me. For instance, I’m not on tech till 11 am. I let them know the best way to interact with me whether by email, text, or voice notes. Your clients and employees need to know this, to0. How long will it take for you to get back to them, for example? Make that clear. If we’re all clear as to what the agreements are, that sets everyone up to be successful.

Source link

[infpisme]

YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

Years ago I worked for a startup on a tight budget, with ten of us working out of an extremely cramped office. The woman who sat next to me wore a strong perfume that reminded me of the candle store in the mall. Usually by mid morning I had the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and by the end of the afternoon I was downright nauseous.

At this point in my life I hadn’t yet discovered that I was an introvert, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), or an INFJ personality type. I just knew that I did not mix well with strong smells, loud noises, or crowded places. I was prone to headaches and anxiety and something as simple as a strobe light could set me off.

So, even though this woman’s perfume seemed like such a small thing, it was actually wreaking havoc on my daily life.

Thankfully another one of my coworkers had become a close friend. She was very similar to me—intuitive, people-oriented, and sensitive—and I later found out she was an ENFJ. When I told her about the perfume lady, she said simply, “Why don’t you ask her not to wear that perfume to work anymore? Tell her it bothers you.”

I was stunned, and speechless. That was allowed? I could ask other people to modify something because it was causing me a problem? Rationally, I understood this concept. But emotionally, it felt like my entire world had shifted.

Why It’s Hard for Sensitive Introverts to Speak Up

I am not the first HSP introvert to struggle with this issue, and I definitely won’t be the last. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from the past. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.

This works about half the time. The other half we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.

So, as highly sensitive people, we have two choices. We can step into our power and be uncomfortable now, in the present moment, by speaking up for what we need. Or we can choose powerlessness and guarantee that we’ll still feel uncomfortable—and probably angry and bitter—in the future, by suppressing our needs and keeping our mouths shut.

Many HSPs and introverts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and a penchant for codependency. We really, really want to make sure that everyone in our environment is happy, especially with us. But this is a fight we’ll never win. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. That’s what this whole “free will” deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else it’s essential to step back and let them have their own choices and their own reactions.

If people-pleasing has always been an issue for you, this four-step process can help:

Step 1: Evaluate Your Needs

Does the thing you need encroach on the rights of anyone else? Is it harmful to other people? If you’re not invading anyone else’s space or being disrespectful of someone else’s boundaries, it’s safe to say that you are justified in asking that your needs be respected. Use common sense here as well. Sure, your coworker might argue that listening to dance music at top volume is his inalienable right, but most sensible people would agree that his argument doesn’t hold water.

The Takeaway

If you’re able to speak up for what you need and still be respectful of others, then do it. It’s not your responsibility to set boundaries for other people, only for yourself.

Step 2: Use Your Preferred Mode of Communication

Most introverts and HSPs have the misguided idea that we should push ourselves to have face-to-face confrontations with people, when there is nothing that makes us feel more like we want to crawl under a rock. But there is a solution. I hereby give you permission, from this day forward, to communicate your needs through the written word, whenever and to whomever you want, without feeling guilty about it. So send that email. Write that letter and leave it in your neighbor’s mailbox. As long as you state your needs as honestly and respectfully as possible, it’s all good.

The Takeaway 

Many introverts communicate much more effectively in writing. Use that to your advantage.

Step 3: Maintain Your Boundaries

Even after you’ve identified what you need and found the courage to ask for it, sometimes the other party will still try to push your buttons (by being consciously manipulative) or forget your previous requests (by being unconsciously oblivious). So, sometimes, you have to go through the whole process again. The upside is that every time you go through it, you get more practice on how to take back your power.

The Takeaway 

Asking once might not be enough. If you have to repeat yourself, that’s okay. Think of it as a practice.

Step 4: Hold Responsibility Only for Yourself

When you’re evaluating your needs, you might be tempted to push them aside so that your coworker can go on enjoying his crazy loud dance music every morning. When asking for your needs, you might try to soothe someone else’s defensive reactions. When maintaining a boundary, you might give in when someone tries to tear down your fence because they’ve always been allowed into your garden before, and now they don’t like feeling left out. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. They never have been and they never will be.

The Takeaway 

You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. You’re not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people.

Speaking up for your needs is not easy. But if you are truly committed to living your best life, it must be done. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You’ll come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.

And when you look into the mirror, you’ll respect the person looking back at you, because you’ll know that person speaks up for herself!

BY LAUREN SAPALA