#no incorrect quotes this time

[incorrect-fanfiction-quotes]

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve read a fanfiction where Harry has a giant growth spurt and goes on a murdering spree, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

at 3 am

Tim: You can say 'Have a nice day!' without a problem.

Tim: But you can't say 'Enjoy the next 24 hours' without sounding vaguely threatening.

Jason: How the fuck did you get into my safehouse again?!

[gothamite-rambler]

"Weird Questions from a Weird City: Batfamily Edition

Duke Thomas: What’s your biggest fear?

Jason Todd: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

Tim Drake: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back.

Dick Grayson: Vampires.

Jason Todd: ...

Tim Drake: ...

Dick Grayson: I got turned into one once and nearly killed peoples. It's a bloodlust, you never know when you'll be fully quenched and every non-vampire is a succulent vessel... But I'm not a vampire anymore and that is in my past.

Dick eats his apple after that.

*silence*

Duke Thomas: Holy crap stick, Batman.

Tim: Can I change my option to Dick Grayson?

Jason: Same.

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: *waking up in a hospital that he drove himself to after having a heart attack and telling absolutely nobody* hey…

The entirety of the batclan looking over him with Dick in the centre, an absolute terrifying grin on his face:

Dick: hello Bruce, nice evening isn’t it? Got something to share with us?

Edit: the fic is now out on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/57780508

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Batman: Hm

Robin, grinning: that means he’s happy.

Tied up goon who’s spent the last two hours being chased and the last five being talked at by a twelve year old with no pants: Can you let me go?

Robin: I dunno let me check.

Robin: Hey B-man can we let this guy go?

Bruce: Hm.

Robin: He says no.

Bruce: Hmm.

Goon: What does that mean?

Robin, slow grin travels across his face: It means I can kick your ass.

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[trialsofthedas]

Lucanis, trying to sneak out after spending the night with Rook:

Viago, twirling a vial of poison: What are you doing here?

Lucanis: …I could ask you the same question.

Viago: I live here. This is my house.

Lucanis: I should probably ask you a different question.

[o3o-lapd-o3o]

i like to imagine that the rest of the gods on olympus were all watching ody turn poseidon into swiss cheese, with a variety of emotions throughout them.

zeus: *impressed but slightly very worried* maybe i let him cook for too long on that island.

zeus: oh well rather poseidon than me

hera: *mainly nonchalant but hiding a tiny smile behind her chalice*

hera: *after hearing next to my wife* that is what you call a man who loves his wife *side eyes zeus*

zeus: *sweats*

hephaestus: *kind of impressed* well he avenged his crew *shrugs*

ares: *in awe* athena didn't lie about the bloodshed!

ares: *hears poseidon beg for mercy* *odysseus doesn't give him that*

ares: *now in love with ody* THIS IS MY FAVOURITE MORTAL EVER

aphrodite: *just blinking in disbelief* he's not wasting anymore time to get home i guess?

hermes: *is proud but also in slight shock* thats a mindset change alright...

hermes: *gasps* i need to tell athena!

hermes: *grins* but first-

hermes: guess ~ i ~ should be the one to take poor dear uncle to the infirmary! *giggles at the drama he's about to cause there*

apollo: *sighs* let me get another bed made up

apollo: *heads off to his olympus infirmary*

[lilislegacy]

annabeth: percy you take anything left, i’ll take anything right

percy: oka- wait, are you wearing my jacket?

annabeth, stabbing a gorgon: …maybe

percy, slicing a serpent in half: i’ve been looking for that!

annabeth, rolling and knocking empousi off their feet and stabbing them: it’s big and warm and smells like you. i was cold and needed something to wear. so this is what i grabbed.

percy, chuckling as he strangles an ogre: i’m okay with that

annabeth, stabbing basilisks: good, because i’m keeping it

percy, smashing two cyclops faces into the floor: it looks better on you anyway

annabeth, decapitates a chimera: *winks at him*

percy, casually lighting a hydra on fire and giving her a crooked smile: you know, i was thinking for tonight-

leo, across the room covered in monster blood and fighting for his life: GUYS PLEASE-

[oautincorrectquotes]

Belle: I can't believe you assassinated the King!

Rumple: Well, 'assassinated' implies it was politically motivated. I killed him because he was a dick, so technically I murdered him

Belle: That's not better!

[propussyslayer]

Flight attendant: Please make sure all your small items are secured.

Sirius: Do you feel safe, buddy?

Regulus: I will murder you

[renirae]

based on this textpost by @orangeyjuicy !!

[the-pancakes-say-no]

chapter 4

[steddieme]

eddie: stevie, would you still love me if i was a worm?

steve, without looking up from his magazine: i hate worms

eddie: but would you love ME if i was a worm?

steve: i'd keep you in a little jar, put you on my nightstand and cry myself to sleep because you'd be right there but i'd never get to hear your voice or hold you again. and i could do nothing about it.

eddie, tearing up: joke cancelled, i want cuddles

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Kid!Tim, showing Robin his room: So we have my photography cubby, not to be confused by my homework cubby. Then my desk, bed, conspiracy wall, wardrobe, other desk for my conspiracy wall-

Robin!Jason, nodding along with a fake smile. Pointing towards a side desk with candles and several framed photos of Batman: And what’s that over there.

Tim: oh that’s just my Batman shrine.

Jason: Ah.

Tim: Anyway! This is the kennel for all four of my stuffed dogs, my bookshelf for my conspiracy wall-

[fanaticalthings]

the muskification of twitter except it's lex luthor instead of elon lol

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