#batfamily funny

[gothamite-rambler]

Tv show, live, in 2024, voting if Jason Todd should live.

Joker: Fans, you make the final decision! Does Jason live or die? Fifteen seconds on the clock!

Women around the world: Vote, vote, vote! Keep voting—make fake accounts if you must!

Men you can take home to your mother: Come on, come on! We've got ten seconds, guys—keep sending votes for the RIGHT answer!

Results are in: 99.99% for him to live, 0.01% for him to die.

Jason (smiling, kicking his left foot bashfully): Aww, thanks, guys. I feel special!

Joker: Okay, I'm mad, but who voted for that 0.01%?

Jason: There's always some stragglers who hate me. Now, Joker, you have two options: you leave, or I grab a gun and make your brains paint the walls. No one will stop me.

Joker sighed, trying to look indifferent, but he hurriedly ran off before Jason could grab him. Jason sighed happily and then turned to the camera.

Jason: Thanks for your votes, America!

The camera feed ended as Jason pulls out his gun and shoots the camera.

[thewaynemanner]

*Investigating a Crime Scene*

Nightwing: What do you think is on this rag? *Examining damp rag*

Red Hood: *grabs rag* Probably chloroform. Hey, Replacement. Come here.

Red Robin: Yeah?

Red Hood: Smell this *shoves rag in his face*

Red Robin: *passes out*

Red Hood: yep, definitely chloroform

[izukuer]

characters have to be a little bit awful in ways that you cant defend. its good for the ecosystem. your honor he did do that. He did in fact do that

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he��s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Very public and an obviously not fake Batman is Bruce Wayne reveal

But Bruce simple acts like this never happened

_

Reporter: MR. WAYNE, MR. WAYNE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THE FACT YOU ARE A FOUNDING JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBER?

Bruce, head tilt, eyes squinted: .. What is a “justice league”

-

Reporter: Mr. Wayne, prince and knight of Gotham-

Bruce: why would I be “night” of Gotham? I would be 3:24 pm at most

-

Gothamite: thank you for the save Batman… or Mr. Wayne… do I call you Batman in the suit and Mr. Wayne when you get coffee on Wednesdays?

Batman: *turning around slowly* what the fuck is a Mr. Wayne?

-

Villain: ah, Batman, or should I say BRUCE WAYNE-

Batman: *puffing up* WHO is this ‘Wayne’ and why is he impersonating me

[frappegoddess]

Damian dyed Tim's hair Joker green and spray painted his suit because he called Jerry the Turkey annoying, so as revenge Tim threatened to cook Jerry, and left a pile of feathers and a perfectly golden brown Turkey on the counter in the kitchen. Because there's no other way to get back at your lil brother than emotionally manipulating him into thinking you tried to eat his pet.

Safe to say, Alfred and Bruce were not impressed, and the only way they got Tim to apologise to Damian was through Jason saying "Crazy you have beef with a twelve year old."

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[sharksandjays]

Brucie and his babies (and oh no he forgot he invited Clark and Diana oh no-)

[shyjusticewarrior]

[gothamite-rambler]

People in Gotham questioning the Robins (in this headcanon some of the villains are aware that Batman is his father and some aren't)

Penguin: Why is the younger Robin… why is he brown?

Batman: The younger one?

Batman looked at Damian, who was in his Robin suit and munching on a granola bar. The kid suddenly glanced at his own brown skin and gasped dramatically.

Damian (jokingly): Oh my God, I am!

Sofia: He's funny; we respect the diversity.

Batman: My oldest son is Romani.

Sofia: Really? Fascinating. Isn’t that fascinating, Penguin?

Penguin: Eh, I still think he gave the kid the suit to use him as target practice. But seriously, why is the current one brown? I'm not trying to be rude, but he looks the same age as the first Robin.

Damian: Awesome! I can't wait to tell Nightwing.

Batman (annoyed): His mother is Arabic. When a white guy and an Arabic woman have a baby, a mixed child is born.

Penguin: Wait, Talia is brown?!

Batman sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Damian: How did you know about her?

Sofia: I got nosy and found out you're related. Talia adores you so much and you're dad's lucky she hid any photos of what you both might look like. Seriously though, you hooked up with Talia and had a kid, Batman? I knew it would happen with her or Catwoman.

Sofia laughed, which made Batman growl in offense.

Damian: Hooked up?

Batman: He didn’t need to hear that, but yes, he’s my youngest son, and he’s related to her.

Penguin: Now see I forget sometimes that she's brown. I heard she was mixed with something, but never crossed my mind.

Batman: Her father is Ra's Al Ghul.

Penguin: Wait… so he's brown?

Batman: Can you please stop saying "brown"!

Damian: It's fine; I feel like I’m going to hear worse later in life.

Sofia (sympathetic, her brows furrowing): Aww… yeah.

Batman: All right, we're going to leave now enjoy prison.

Penguin: We'll both be out soon. We’ve just been curious about that for years. I almost reported you for kidnapping a little brown boy.

Damian grabbed his father's arm, dragging him away before he could retaliate against the man.

Damian: Let it go. We’ve heard worse.

[wil-fae]

did u know its illegal to pump ur own gas in new jersey ? i didnt, anyways

shoutout to my friend that gave me the idea, love u

i'm cookin up another drawing, so take this for the time being <3

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham’s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???

[arkangelo-7]

Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever they’re working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruce’s orders without question or defaulting to Dick’s authority, following Bruce’s comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Tim: Oh, Damian's tried to kill me lots of times.

Tim: There was one time when we were younger, he disguised himself as a case file, because he knows I love case files.

Tim: So I went to pick it up to work on it and he took off the disguise and went 'MBLEGH it's me!' and stabbed me.

Damian: *smiles fondly at the memory*

Dick: Damian, no stabbing your brothers.

Jason: There's a more important issue here. How the fuck was he disguised as a case file -

[fanaticalthings]

important family group chat discussions

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