#batfamily funny

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman found himself in one room, while his three sons were trapped in separate, perilous chambers. The villain, Bill, a man obsessively devoted to puzzles and traps, was the mastermind orchestrating this twisted game.

Bill: Okay, Batman, take your pick. In fact, I’m feeling generous. Whoever you pick to not be in the next game is out for the rest of the rest of it. You both can be spectators, but which son do you choose to exclude? Nightwing, Red Hood, or Red Robin? Who will live and—

Batman (in a panic, pressing the intercom button): Red Hood! Red Hood! Jason, Jason, Jason! I choose Jason.

Bill paused, slowly cackling behind his hand. Batman's face turned pink with embarrassment as Red Hood stood frozen, stunned, while everyone stared at him in disbelief.

Bill (mocking): Aww, that's so sweet and hilarious cause your other sons look maaad!

Nightwing (sighing, taking off his mask for a moment to rub his eyes): Daughter of a bastard, I knew he was going to pick him.

Red Robin (hands on his hips): There was no hesitation there at all.

Batman (stumbling): Um… you see… you two didn’t die like he did, and I can't risk him dying again cause... nobody wants to die twice. Plus, you both are more acrobatic, so you can handle the next trap better. Jason is tall and… bigger, and I can't—he doesn’t want to die a second time. So Ja—I mean, Red Hood, leave the room.

Red Hood (nervous): C- C- Can I leave?

Bill: Yeah, sure… this is just too funny to me. Head on out, golden child.

Red Hood left the trap room. Nightwing and Red Robin exchanged glances and sighed.

Red Robin (done with this nonsense): I am so going to stab this Bill guy if I survive this.

Nightwing: I know why you chose him, but that’s hurtful.

Red Robin: I lost my parents after becoming a Robin, but sure, pick the guy who fell for a trap to save his mom.

Batman: Don’t talk bad about your brother like that— I’m not helping my case.

Red Hood (standing next to Batman): Nope. But I appreciate the save.

[arandomao3user]

Felt bored, here's my projecting health issues onto the Batfam again:

Alfred, setting down a pharmacy bag, inhaling sharply: COME GET YOUR DRUGS!

Bruce, dragging himself in:

Tim, slowly looking up from his phone with a dead eyed expression: If it isn't a monster energy drink and seventeen caffeine pills I no no want it.

Cass: I am not on drugs?

Dick: It's our prescriptions, Cass.

Jason: You people are the reason I carry narcan around.

Alfred: You're all on enough prescriptions to fill a pharmacy. Now, let's begin...

Alfred, raising a pill bottle: Pain medication for Master Bruce for the back pain Bane inflicted on him from his wonderful career choices! Unfortunately we don't have the several other medications he should be taking for his mental state...

Bruce: Alfred, please...

Alfred, raising another two pill bottles: Anti-inflammatory and pain medication for Master Dick for his hypermobility he refuses to see a doctor for.

Dick, taking the pills: It's not that painful, Alfie, it's just my bones being slackers :D

Alfred: Master Jason's anti psychotics for the psychosis caused by the Lazarus Pit.

Jason: My therapist is less concerned than last week!

Alfred: Wonderful news, Master Jason... Master Tim, your sleeping pills and anemia medication.

Tim, slowly standing before promptly passing out because POTS sucks:

Alfred, sighing: Somebody please see to it that Master Timothy did not receive another concussion.

Alfred: Master Dick, your ADHD medication.

Dick: I forgot I take these.

Alfred: We know, master Dick.

Bruce, inspecting Tim: Have I failed as a Father?

Alfred: No more than I have. Now, Miss Cassandra, your anxiety medication.

Cass: Thank you, Alfred.

Alfred: You are most welcome, dear. Damian, your allergy pills since you insist on surrounding yourself with farm animals.

Damian: Tt, a runny nose and itchy eyes are a small price to pay for love, Pennyworth.

Alfred: Bipolar medication for Miss Stephanie.

Stephanie: Do you need to announce what the pills are for..?

Alfred: Master Bruce keeps all your information stored on a supercomputer anyone can look at if they guess his password, which is just Master Dick's birthday—

Jason: WHAT!? IT USED TO BE MINE!

Cass: Hurt.

Stephanie: Utter betrayal.

Dick: Wait really??

Bruce: Hrn...

Alfred: And Master Jason's inhaler.

Jason: Wish I had this when I was inhaling all that smoke and died from an asthma attack!

Dick: . . . WHAT!?

Cass: You what?

Jason: B never told you? Yeah, it wasn't the bomb or crowbar that did it, it was the smoke.

Jason: Haha.

Jason: My inhaler broke from the impact.

Jason: I spent my final moments suffocating.

Jason: I died painfully.

Bruce: Hrn...

Tim, slowly coming back to consciousness: Did I die?

Alfred: And Master Tim's testerone.

Tim: Nice. Dick drugs.

Alfred: . . . And birth control.

Tim: Yay, de-baby-nators.

Bruce, sighing: I have failed as a Father...

Jason: Wait, why doesn't Duke have to take medication?

Duke: I do, I just pick it up myself so I don't have to be put through this embarrassment.

Bruce: Are we done here?

Alfred: Yes, thank you for allowing me my weekly enjoyment of having the family in one place and admitting you're all deeply troubled.

Alfred: Good day.

—

[thewaynemanner]

*Investigating a Crime Scene*

Nightwing: What do you think is on this rag? *Examining damp rag*

Red Hood: *grabs rag* Probably chloroform. Hey, Replacement. Come here.

Red Robin: Yeah?

Red Hood: Smell this *shoves rag in his face*

Red Robin: *passes out*

Red Hood: yep, definitely chloroform

[gothamite-rambler]

10 year old Damian: How old is Tim?

Older Damian: We're not sure anymore, he keeps saying 17 and won't give us his birth certificate.

10 year old Damian: Yeah... I'm pretty sure he sold his soul to stay a Robin.

Older Damian: Why?

10 year old Damian: He says he likes being a Robin.

Both of them: Dumbass.

Older Damian from the future for post related reasons: *is wearing glasses*

10yr old Damian: This is outrageous! I am a Wayne! An al Ghul! I would never succumb to such weakness as needing a visual aid!

Older Damian: *so done* Listen, whether you want to admit it or not we are, in fact, a human being. And as such there are only so many concussions we can get before there are consequences.

10yr Old Damian: But father has no such difficulty! And as his son neither should we!

Older Damian: Father is a lying little bitch that secretly wears contacts like the coward he is.

Bruce: *has been outed*

10yr old Damian: *shocked Pikachu face*

Older Damian: *smirks* And besides. Its not like I need to keep up the appearance of being invincible. I'm not even a vigilante anymore. I'm a doctor.

10yr old Damian: *demonic screaming*

[kamikazeonwings]

characters have to be a little bit awful in ways that you cant defend. its good for the ecosystem. your honor he did do that. He did in fact do that

[bruciemilf]

Bruce truly hates magic with every pump and beat of his heart.

What kinda curse is Slang, anyway?

“This is the best day of my life.”

“Bro really thought he ate with that.” Bruce physically feels a full body shiver, charged with nausea and cringe. “This is level 10 cringe. Can’t have shit in Gotham.”

Dick is his earth bound angel, but he laughs like a demon at him, holding onto Jason for support, pledging his eternal loyalty to Zatana and her pettiness.

—

“Hey, old bat, hook me up with an adrenaline shot.”

What he wants to say is Jay, do not try and fight with 6 bullets in your stomach.

What comes out instead, through Bruce’s grit teeth and intense, fierce glaring, “Not you trying to go back to your corpse era. See how I only took 2 shots? Very demure. Very mindful.”

Jason passes out from blood loss, but mostly laughter.

—

“Chat, is this real?”

Stephanie barely bites back a full belly cackle. “I think he just asked us if we copied.”

“I wish I was Jason, 15.”

—

“This is not a slay environment. Killing is flop behavior.” He keeps his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. Trying to convince Damian not to stab someone doesn’t seem to work.

Damian gives him a pat like he’s a pitiful cat. “I’ll only stab the non lethal areas.”

“God, I wish that were me.”

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[demonicsuffrage]

Bruce dropped out of medical school and as much as he tries to hide it, his kids all find out. Ofcourse they never let him live it down after that

Emo 21-year-old Bruce: You're not my father, Alfred!

Alfred: Quite right. I have a medical degree, and you don't.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: Hey I'm dropping out of Gotham University

Bruce: What? You're quitting college halfway?! Unacceptable, you cannot just give up on your engineering degree-

Dick: I did not just hear the failed doctor say that

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, fuming: You left my side tonight to go and gallivant around with harley quinn? A villain?

Steph: So what if she's a villain, Bruce? Atleast the villain has a doctorate.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, bandaging Duke's wound because Alfred was busy: There, all done

Duke: Woah, didn't expect that from a college dropout

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Stop ignoring my orders in the field! You need to listen, I have more experience-

Jason, as red hood, with his PhD in English: Which one of us actually has a Dr in front of their name?

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim: So I'm dropping out of high school

Bruce: You too?! First Dick and now you?!

Tim: No, first it was you, then Dick, and now me

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Damian, your recent report card indicates you're falling behind in Biology

Damian: Tt. Must run in the family, then.

Bruce:

[sharksandjays]

Brucie and his babies (and oh no he forgot he invited Clark and Diana oh no-)

[frownyalfred]

using “Agent A” as Alfred’s code name and using “B” for Batman’s shortened name in the field suggests there’s a world where “Agent A” is shortened to “A” and everyone in Gotham and on the Watchtower is terrified of him. because they’ve met B. and if this is B??

[gothamite-rambler]

Damian (9 y.o., arms raised): Carry me.

Dick: Carry you?

Damian: Yeah. I'm too tired to walk.

Dick: I'm not carrying you—

Damian (pitching his voice higher to sound cute): Please… akhi Grayson?

Dick’s eyes widened then he sighed reluctantly, picking up his heavy little brother. Damian patted his head.

Damian: You're doing your brotherly duties, Grayson. Good job.

Dick: Whatever... was I this heavy as a child?

Damian (teasing): Probably. Maybe heavier.

Dick groaned as he started walking away with Damian in his arms, while Bruce watched from a distance with an approving nod and a knowing smile creeping onto his face.

Bruce: It took over twenty years, but he finally gets it.

[thefriendlyneighborhoodqueer]

i’m so sorry but i just saw a post about duke’s eyes glowing and now i NEED to see fanart with jason and duke, the Glowing Eyes Bros TM

i’m picturing them on a midnight snack run in the manor kitchen, but just chilling in the dark

Bruce, getting back from a late patrol, wanting a midnight snack, can tell someone’s in the kitchen but it is pitch black : ….

Bruce : Who’s in here?

Jason and Duke :

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Very public and an obviously not fake Batman is Bruce Wayne reveal

But Bruce simple acts like this never happened

_

Reporter: MR. WAYNE, MR. WAYNE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THE FACT YOU ARE A FOUNDING JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBER?

Bruce, head tilt, eyes squinted: .. What is a “justice league”

-

Reporter: Mr. Wayne, prince and knight of Gotham-

Bruce: why would I be “night” of Gotham? I would be 3:24 pm at most

-

Gothamite: thank you for the save Batman… or Mr. Wayne… do I call you Batman in the suit and Mr. Wayne when you get coffee on Wednesdays?

Batman: *turning around slowly* what the fuck is a Mr. Wayne?

-

Villain: ah, Batman, or should I say BRUCE WAYNE-

Batman: *puffing up* WHO is this ‘Wayne’ and why is he impersonating me

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Tim: Oh, Damian's tried to kill me lots of times.

Tim: There was one time when we were younger, he disguised himself as a case file, because he knows I love case files.

Tim: So I went to pick it up to work on it and he took off the disguise and went 'MBLEGH it's me!' and stabbed me.

Damian: *smiles fondly at the memory*

Dick: Damian, no stabbing your brothers.

Jason: There's a more important issue here. How the fuck was he disguised as a case file -

[emotional-piece-of-meat]

Duke is unapologetic for everything that comes out of his mouth. In fact, give him a mic, he'll say it louder.

Some way too old for that guy, trying to flirt with Cass: You know, you seem so mature for your age…

Duke, popping out of nowhere: And you're really fucking dumb for yours, man, fix this puddle of desperation on your head first and only then think about trying to fit into society. If even your hair doesn't want to be with you, what are you counting on?

Cass, who really didn't want to ruin her cute dress with blood: 👍🏻

A really annoying paparazzi: Hey, boy, how does it feel to become rich after, well, whatever you were before? Have your, erm, extracurricular activities changed? What's your favourite thing to do now?

Duke, with the straightest face known to mankind: No, it's still your mom. My favourite extracurricular activity, planning to do her more actually, thanks for the question.

Bruce, trying to parent a whole ass teen: So…

Duke: I really shouldn't have told this terrible, rude, insufferable piece of person to go eat shit. I genuinely regret it. I should have told her to go eat shit and die choking, such a missed opportunity, damn, I'm still upset.

Bruce: ...

Bruce, to himself: Why am I even trying?

There are a bunch of compilations on YouTube and Tiktok “Duke Thomas-Wayne has no PR training whatsoever”. Duke personally likes every single one of them.

[arkangelo-7]

Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever they’re working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruce’s orders without question or defaulting to Dick’s authority, following Bruce’s comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.