#batfamily funny

[gothamite-rambler]

Red Hood grasped a megaphone and boomed out a challenge to his adversary.

Red Hood: Hey, Cyclops!

Black Mask (insulted): Rude.

Undeterred, Red Hood launched into a passionate, sung tirade, his voice echoing through the streets.

Red Hood (singing): When we met, I led with peace, while you fed your inner beast. But my comrades will not die in vain, their memories will forever remain.

Batman, standing beside Red Hood, winced at the impromptu performance.

Batman: Why am I stuck with you when you sing? Give me the megaphone.

Red Hood swatted at Batman's attempts to grab the megaphone, continuing his song.

Red Hood (singing): Remember them the next time that you dare choose not to spare! Remember them! Remember us! Remember me!

Black Mask raised an eyebrow, seemingly impressed despite himself.

Black Mask: Why is it that he's a good singer, too?

Batman (trying to intervene): Ignore the singing, he's doing this because I won't let him kill you.

In a bizarre fighting, Red Hood and Batman slapped hands together, leaving both their allies and enemies perplexed. Red Hood quickly shoved Batman away, finishing his song with vigor.

Red Hood (singing): I'm the reigning king of Crime Alley, I am neither man nor mythical. I am your darkest moment, I am the infamous… RED HOOD!

Batman: He already knows who you are!

Red Hood hung the megaphone from his shoulder, a smug grin spreading across his face.

Red Hood: You don't have a flair for dramatics, and it shows. That's a you problem.

With a flourish, Red Hood turned and walked back to his car, a few of his goons applauding his performance. Black Mask, on the other hand, let out a disgusted groan. Batman groaned walking to his car as the cops dealt with the criminals.

Black Mask: I hate that guy.

[thewaynemanner]

*Investigating a Crime Scene*

Nightwing: What do you think is on this rag? *Examining damp rag*

Red Hood: *grabs rag* Probably chloroform. Hey, Replacement. Come here.

Red Robin: Yeah?

Red Hood: Smell this *shoves rag in his face*

Red Robin: *passes out*

Red Hood: yep, definitely chloroform

[izukuer]

characters have to be a little bit awful in ways that you cant defend. its good for the ecosystem. your honor he did do that. He did in fact do that

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[frownyalfred]

using “Agent A” as Alfred’s code name and using “B” for Batman’s shortened name in the field suggests there’s a world where “Agent A” is shortened to “A” and everyone in Gotham and on the Watchtower is terrified of him. because they’ve met B. and if this is B??

[thefriendlyneighborhoodqueer]

i’m so sorry but i just saw a post about duke’s eyes glowing and now i NEED to see fanart with jason and duke, the Glowing Eyes Bros TM

i’m picturing them on a midnight snack run in the manor kitchen, but just chilling in the dark

Bruce, getting back from a late patrol, wanting a midnight snack, can tell someone’s in the kitchen but it is pitch black : ….

Bruce : Who’s in here?

Jason and Duke :

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Very public and an obviously not fake Batman is Bruce Wayne reveal

But Bruce simple acts like this never happened

_

Reporter: MR. WAYNE, MR. WAYNE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THE FACT YOU ARE A FOUNDING JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBER?

Bruce, head tilt, eyes squinted: .. What is a “justice league”

-

Reporter: Mr. Wayne, prince and knight of Gotham-

Bruce: why would I be “night” of Gotham? I would be 3:24 pm at most

-

Gothamite: thank you for the save Batman… or Mr. Wayne… do I call you Batman in the suit and Mr. Wayne when you get coffee on Wednesdays?

Batman: *turning around slowly* what the fuck is a Mr. Wayne?

-

Villain: ah, Batman, or should I say BRUCE WAYNE-

Batman: *puffing up* WHO is this ‘Wayne’ and why is he impersonating me

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Tim: Oh, Damian's tried to kill me lots of times.

Tim: There was one time when we were younger, he disguised himself as a case file, because he knows I love case files.

Tim: So I went to pick it up to work on it and he took off the disguise and went 'MBLEGH it's me!' and stabbed me.

Damian: *smiles fondly at the memory*

Dick: Damian, no stabbing your brothers.

Jason: There's a more important issue here. How the fuck was he disguised as a case file -

[arkangelo-7]

Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever they’re working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruce’s orders without question or defaulting to Dick’s authority, following Bruce’s comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.

[frappegoddess]

Damian dyed Tim's hair Joker green and spray painted his suit because he called Jerry the Turkey annoying, so as revenge Tim threatened to cook Jerry, and left a pile of feathers and a perfectly golden brown Turkey on the counter in the kitchen. Because there's no other way to get back at your lil brother than emotionally manipulating him into thinking you tried to eat his pet.

Safe to say, Alfred and Bruce were not impressed, and the only way they got Tim to apologise to Damian was through Jason saying "Crazy you have beef with a twelve year old."

[gothamite-rambler]

Bruce (curious, but frustrated): What did you expect when you went to her wedding?

Jason (covering his face): I didn’t expect her to still want me! We only hooked up once when she wasn’t dating anyone! We were assassins and she left the next day!

Bruce (flatly): Yeah, don’t assume that again. What happened after she confessed her feelings for you during her wedding?

Jason tried to explain but sighed when he heard Dick laughing in the background.

Jason (annoyed, pointing at his brother): Does he have to be here?

Bruce: I have to pay him today; just ignore him.

Jason (mortified recounting the story): Cool. Anyway, after she confessed, she thought I would go with her, and everyone was staring at me with these death stares. I ran out of the wedding hall, but man… a lot of her family knows how to fight. So I did what I usually do—I shot at them. I wasn’t super happy about it this time, but I had two guns with me. Which is why—

Bruce (checking his bank account): I had to bail you out in Florida. Yeah… that sounds awful. It’s something I went through in my twenties. Thanks for clarifying everything, but you didn’t kill anyone, right?

Jason (exasperated): I love how you focus on that. No, I had the guns loaded with rubber bullets. This is my life—why am I so attractive to people?

Jason buried his face in his hands while Dick laughed even harder in the background.

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[sharksandjays]

Brucie and his babies (and oh no he forgot he invited Clark and Diana oh no-)

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham��s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???

[shyjusticewarrior]

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*