#batfamily funny

[gothamite-rambler]

Stephanie: I hate my dad.

Jason: I said "Hey." And you responded with that.

Stephanie shrugged, crossing her arms.

Stephanie: Screw him, he sucks.

Jason shrugged, deciding to continue the conversation.

Jason: I'll bite, what's one issue you have with him?

Stephanie: That man went from game show host to criminal. I could've had Alex Trebek, but I got the game show version of the Riddler! Like how was I dealt such a bad hand in life?!

Jason (lighting a marijuana rolled joint): Stephanie, I don't want to downplay your issues, but your mom isn't a criminal or insane, she's Catholic, but like the less annoying ones. You work for Batman, he pays you monthly to risk your life which you enjoy and you became a Robin and then Spoiler to spite your dad... Also you're a blonde white girl. That last part is privileged based.

Stephanie (stumped): I... Okay, but my boyfriend dumped me!

Jason: You're friends with him now!

Stephanie: It still stings! I like Bernard too, but like... We could be a throuple!

Jason chuckled dryly taking a long drag from his joint.

Jason: Let's ask him, Tim?

Tim had been sitting in a lounge chair minding his own business and drinking coffee.

Tim: I told you it's not you, it's me and I meant it.

Stephanie: And I told you, you were one of the few boyfriends who didn't take something important from me!

Jason (chuckling): Like the one who stole your car keys and crashed the car into a Starbucks?

Stephanie: Don't remind me. That's not even how you protest a company! And why do they usually steal my car?!

Stephanie's shoulders slumped as she groaned. Jason rolled his eyes while patting Stephanie's shoulder in a half-supporting manner.

[thewaynemanner]

*Investigating a Crime Scene*

Nightwing: What do you think is on this rag? *Examining damp rag*

Red Hood: *grabs rag* Probably chloroform. Hey, Replacement. Come here.

Red Robin: Yeah?

Red Hood: Smell this *shoves rag in his face*

Red Robin: *passes out*

Red Hood: yep, definitely chloroform

[sunriseovergotham]

characters have to be a little bit awful in ways that you cant defend. its good for the ecosystem. your honor he did do that. He did in fact do that

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[frappegoddess]

Damian dyed Tim's hair Joker green and spray painted his suit because he called Jeremy the Turkey annoying, so as revenge Tim threatened to cook Jeremy, and left a pile of feathers and a perfectly golden brown Turkey on the counter in the kitchen. Because there's no other way to get back at your lil brother than emotionally manipulating him into thinking you tried to eat his pet.

Safe to say, Alfred and Bruce were not impressed, and the only way they got Tim to apologise to Damian was through Jason saying "Crazy you have beef with a twelve year old."

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[sharksandjays]

Brucie and his babies (and oh no he forgot he invited Clark and Diana oh no-)

[shyjusticewarrior]

[wil-fae]

did u know its illegal to pump ur own gas in new jersey ? i didnt, anyways

shoutout to my friend that gave me the idea, love u

i'm cookin up another drawing, so take this for the time being <3

[gothamite-rambler]

"Wait, who took you down?"

Context: Any Gotham criminal is adjusting to the fact that a child sidekick took them down instead of the adult in the hero duo of Batman and Robin.

Calendar Man (perplexed, tilting his head): I'm sorry... the child sidekick he has can fight?

Joker, when he hadn't become way worse than he is now, nodded as he rubbed his sore shoulder. Scarecrow, sitting on the other side of the prison table, started laughing while carving his spoon into a shiv. Joker groaned.

Calendar Man (raising an eyebrow): And he beat you up?

Joker (embarrassed, but trying to hide it): Yes. Get the laughs out—Joker slipped up once and got beaten by a child that is clearly taking steroids or something.

Calendar Man (trying to rationalize this): Okay, but like Batman was the one to deliver the final punch. At least say that—

Joker (frustrated): The damn child defeated me and three of my hired henchmen. Apparently, he bit one of them on the leg, which means my defeat wasn't that bad that night.

Scarecrow (smirking): J, you still got thrashed around by a child and lost. Batman never stepped in and defeated you; the child did.

Calendar Man (hiding his smirk by covering his mouth): I'm trying not to mock you, mostly because you do scare me, but... how could you not stop a child!?

Joker (shouting defiantly): Again, he has to be on steroids!

Calendar Man (skeptically): I—John, take this one.

Scarecrow (dryly): Right, the skinny, under five-foot child who possesses no magical powers is on steroids? You're really lying?

Joker slammed his fist on the table, wincing from the pain that ached through his body. His usually Cheshire smile stayed by sheer force, trying not to let the other bad guys see how much this defeat actually affected him.

Joker (defensively): I thought he was there for show! There was no way he actually could fight. Batman wouldn't be able to train him that well... then he pounced on me and I couldn't take him down!

Calendar Man (covering his smile with his hand, trying to be sympathetic): Why didn't you just kick him?

Scarecrow laughed more, not afraid of the Joker, and mocked the clown accordingly.

Scarecrow: Don't forget he's the size of a middle schooler. You seriously couldn't defeat him?

Joker (insistently): No! He caught me off guard! I'm not the only one who's had to deal with that brat either!

Scarecrow (flatly): Yeah, but you're on the actually threatening tier of villainy, and you got pulverized by a child.

Joker (getting defensive): I wasn't fucking pulverized!

Scarecrow (smirking): Right, you got your ass handed to you, as the Americans say. A bloody child did that. One who wears a hero suit that looks like a target.

Calendar Man (nodding thoughtfully): That is saying a lot because Batman is in a bat suit. Except at least he's six feet tall and menacing. The other one is sickeningly adorable.

Joker (irritated, crossing his arms): I'm... Aware! This isn't the end, though! When I get out of here—and I will escape this place—I'm beating his ass! Thinks he can crack jokes while bouncing around; that's my schtick!

Joker crossed his arms resolutely on this new vow of vengeance against a child. Poison Ivy, who had been eavesdropping on the three men talking, walked over with a look of disgust.

Poison Ivy (disdainful tone): You would be the type of slimeball to harm a child because they beat your ass and won. Pathetic.

She smacked Joker on the back of the head and walked off, chuckling at the clown villain’s ego being bruised by a kid whom she secretly didn't hate, unlike Batman.

Joker (harshly): Oh, shut up, you walking weed! Your powers are stupid, and you're green!

Poison Ivy (clapping back, smirking): Better green than looking like a skinny John Wayne Gacy.

Joker (vitriolously): At least I'm not a bitch!

Poison Ivy (waving a middle finger as she kept walking off): At least I didn't get defeated by a pre-teen!

Joker (shouting, frustrated): Bitch, don't try me!

Calendar Man (cautioning): You should stop while you're ahead, Joker, or today will be your death day. She doesn't play either.

Scarecrow chuckled dryly while carving his initials into the prison table with a shiv. Joker stormed off in the other direction, continuing to swear revenge… on a child.

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*

[fanaticalthings]

important family group chat discussions

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[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham’s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???

[galaxymagitech]

Jason (Age 12): I’m not gonna die from inhaling cigarette smoke, quit worrying, B.

Jason (Age 15): *dies from smoke inhalation*

Jason (Age 19): Well, it wasn’t the cigarettes.

[lifetimeoftired]

there's a lot of (extremely good and hilarious) prompts where Danny has to leave his home dimension and finds his way into the dcu. What I'd like to see is the reverse though. Like, the goth furries who don't care for magic and have a lot of aliens friends being tossed into 'only ghosts are real and everything works on comedy rules' universe.

Batman: So these 'ghosts', they come through a portal and attack people and you, a 14 are the only person stopping them? Danny: I mean, it's kind of my fault? I did turn the thing on when I died death. Batman: -concerned grunting- Danny: I'm fine! Really! Being half dead isn't as weird as you'd think. It'd be easier if I could finish high school without being attacked but it's a living. Batman: Why not contact your world's justice league? Danny: What's a justice league? Batman: -distressed grunting-

-

Nightwing: So how do you handle normal criminals? Danny: What d'ya mean? Nightwing: You know, people who commit crimes? Danny: You mean like a purse snatcher or something? Nightwing: Not exact- You know what? Sure. How do you handle purse snatchers? Danny: -shrugs while making a I dunno noise- I guess the police handle that kind of stuff? I'm usually fighting the personification of sleep or my arch nemesis Plasmius. Which would be less annoying if he stopped trying to adopt me. But yeah, no. I don't usually see a lot of 'crime-crime' stuff outside of the 6 o'clock news every other week or so. There's just not that much of it I guess. Nightwing: Okay. So. Follow up questions-