#nd diary

[ssparksflyy]

giggling at the thought of will starting the italian course on duolingo like an hour after he found out nico is italian

[flimsy-roost]

ND Diary

[[[VENT INCOMING]]]

[[[DISCUSSIONS OF WEIGHT/WEIGHT LOSS, EATING, AND DIETICIAN JARGON]]]

[[[NBD JUST SCROLL ON PAST IF NOT YOUR THING NBD]]]

had an intro meeting with a dietician yesterday, and it was weird in a lot of ways, but in two particular ways I can't unstick from my head so this is my attempt to peel them off.

.1) neurotypical bias, aka come meet me where I am

backing up slightly for context. the process of finding a medical professional as an autistic person is a minefield. if you google the keywords "dietician neurodiversity," all the top results are akin to PARENTS CLICK HERE TO ALLEVIATE (CURE?????) YOUR CHILD'S AUTISM THROUGH SPECIFIC DIET!!!!1!!!! so I usually have to haphazardly suss out the vibes, be as up front as I comfortably can, and then roll the dice.

I was cautiously optimistic about this place because the intake girl seemed chill. at one point in that scheduling call, I mentioned that intuitive eating wont work for me because I have really weak interoception, which applies to hunger cues. she basically said oh yeah that shouldn't be a problem, I've recovered from an ED so I have similar issues, we meet people where they are so eating on a schedule or in a more prescriptive way is definitely something we can help with.

so imagine my awe shock and horror when the very first thing the RDN suggests (halfway through an already stumbly awkward zoom call) is to basically start keeping a feelings diary, to try and "nail down" subtler hunger cues.

in the moment, it felt like she was trying to funnel me into intuitive eating; the thing I specifically said does not work for me, and forthewhich reason I'm even seeing a professional in the first place. I did look it up, and developing this sense can also help with making more intentional decisions about what you eat (ie, am I so hungry that I need a whole sandwich, or will a smaller snack suffice?), but the thing is that I also do not have issues with this kind of intentionality day-to-day.

I don't doubt that with a large amount of concerted effort, I could gradually develop a halfway-sufficient understanding of hunger-related interoception. but is that really the best use of my time, energy, and brainspace?

digression, but this reminds me of my old roommate's girlfriend, who I was interacting with regularly the last time I made a concerted effort to get in shape. I have shitty knees from a teenage injury, and was basically told by the physical therapist at the time that I shouldn't develop an interest in running unless I want to also be back in PT on a regular basis. my roommate's gf lived, ate, and breathed running, I think she was training for a half marathon when I knew her, and could not conceive of the fact that her favorite thing ever wasn't going to work for me. she kept interpreting my saying "I can't" as "I won't." and sure, she had a wisp of a point; if I found a good PT with regular availability, and found the right shoes, and figured out the right routes and schedule and time frames and timing to do it, I might have been able to be a runner. OR, I could just go to a gym and sit on a no-impact spin bike for half an hour every day. that second thing achieves similar results and takes up a lot less time, energy, and brainspace.

the insistence on developing interoception is giving similar vibes. sure, I could set a reminder every two hours to write down any bodily sensations that might conceivably be related to hunger, for the next several weeks, to see if there's a pattern and satisfy your preference to be "open to experimentation." OR I could use that same reminder-setting system to remind me to eat on a sustainable schedule. you gonna help me figure out that schedule or not?

2) don't say the "w" word

I really really wish there was something in between the hyperintense calorie/macro tracking "calories in, calories out" medicalizing approach to weight loss, and weight neutrality. the former was not good for me in ways I won't expand upon, and the latter is kind of... fluffy?

look, I'm not going to lie to you and say that there aren't some minor vanity aspects at play in my wanting to lose weight (eg. I want to cut my hair short, but I don't think it would look cute on me right now), but the main two reasons I'm looking to do this are for simplicity and mobility.

simplicity: the world we live in either ignores or pathologizes fat bodies. this is a problem, and I'm genuinely glad it's being talked about and is changing incrementally. but I'm barely keeping up with the basic demands of existing that everyone has to deal with, and the added complications of navigating the world as a fat person means that the scope of things I can reliably participate in is incredibly small. my overall environment is already unsuitable for a neurodivergent person, so I devote a lot of effort to trying to reduce environmental hostility inflicted upon me in ways I can actually effect, in this case my size.

the second weird thing sticking in my brain concerns the second reason, mobility.

as mentioned above, I have shit knees. in the years since the initial knee enshittification, my weight has fluctuated within a 90lb range. while knee muscle strength definitely plays a role, I can say with certainty, from firsthand experience, that 75% of what determines how much my knees are bothering me at any given point in my life is my numerical weight. this is a neutral statement. this is physics; a larger mass will exert greater gravitational force on a hinge. the best ways to mediate this force are to strengthen the hinge (which I am also working on) and to reduce the mass.

the dietician I saw, operating with weight neutral language and training, denied that my weight has an impact on my knees and mobility. or not exactly denied it, but denied that that's a thing that we could say.

come on.

this is an extra layer of narration and storytelling that I do not find helpful. I'm fully on board with the general gist of weight neutrality. it's bullshit that fatphobic medical professionals will ignore their patient's medical concerns because they're fat, and insist that they can only do their fucking jobs on demographics within a certain BMI range. the default fat=bad thin=good needs to be replaced with all=neutral. I get that, I agree with that, I'm on that page with you. but this degree of "do not speak the name of the fey, lest you invite them into your home to trick you" obfuscates any helpful advice when weight is genuinely and measurably at least part of the problem.

I wish there was a widespread way that incorporated the amoralistic ethos of weight neutrality into adaptive problem solving. kind of like an informed consent system. like a "what do you want, why do you want it, how do you want to do it, how can I help" sort of thing. I don't appreciate being told how I'm supposed to feel about something, when my baseline feelings about it are already pretty neutral. if you're unwilling to accept that my weight may exacerbate my mobility issues and that this is a valid impetus for weight loss, then why the fuck am I even here talking to the diet and weight loss specialist

[br34kmyb0n3s]

It has to be different this time.

I have to be better this time.

[cazieve8]

🎀Low Kc@L Cake Recipes!!!🍰

All different Kinds Cakes!! ^^ I hope you guys like it!! ^^ Tell me what F00d You Guys Wanna See Next!!!! :3 🍰

[food-foundfootage]

9-1/9-2-24 mid-high restriction 0thrth0 gr0cery haul+work

[cherrrrrrywaves]

i just wna see my ribs when i stand up bro 😭

[k1ttygir]

𝓂𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓈 ！

𝒾𝓂 𝓈ℴ 𝓅𝓇ℴ𝓊𝒹 ℴ𝒻 𝓂𝓎𝓈ℯ𝓁𝒻 －

𝒾 ℴ𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝒹 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝒻ℴℴ𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓅𝒾𝒸𝓉𝓊𝓇ℯ 𝓌𝒽𝒾𝒸𝒽 𝒾𝓈 430 𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓉𝒽ℯ 𝓌𝒽ℴ𝓁ℯ 𝒹𝒶𝓎 ♡︎

𝓂𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓈 𝓁ℴℴ𝓀 𝓈ℴ 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓃𝓃𝓎 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 ♥︎

𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝒽1𝑔𝒽𝓈𝓅ℴ 𝓌ℴ𝓇𝓉𝒽𝓎？ 𝓁𝓂𝓀 𝒶𝓃𝑔ℯ𝓁𝓈．( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

𝓇ℯ𝓂ℯ𝓂𝒷ℯ𝓇 －

𝓃ℴ𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒶𝓈𝓉ℯ𝓈 𝒶𝓈 𝑔ℴℴ𝒹 𝒶𝓈 𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓃𝓃𝓎 𝒻ℯℯ𝓁𝓈 ．

[fairybaby777]

i cannot sleep at all, my mind is just processing everything idek. i feel tired but at the same time wide awake. i also realised that nondualism seems to be the natural progression after knowledge of law of assumption. i come across law of assumption posts now and they seem so limiting to me. one post had an anon saying “we become content with never having it in the 3d and just know we have it in the 4d and then it will materialise in the 3d” like that is SUCH an ego based way to go about it, especially from a human perspective. the law is great and all but it teaches you that you are god INSIDE your humanSelf rather than outside of it. i dont know if this makes sense but all the time when i was using the loass, i would be thinking of myself as god but from this human point and it felt very limiting. like how can little old me be a god ? maybe that was my fault and i was misinterpreting the law and missing a key step but never have i felt the feeling i get from just Being and going above the ego and realising I am everything. I can’t really explain it and obviously im not fully realised yet at all but it’s starting to click more and more and I assume the more I take my attention off my humanSelf and just observe, the easier it will be to detach completely. the end goal is just to Be. im sick of desiring all the time & falling in and out of the state. i manifested a lot with the law don’t get me wrong, but it’s this constant desiring that has me trapped. if i am god why am i always desiring? it should be instant, not a process of persistance and maintaining a certain state in order to get what i want. i shouldn’t ever even desire because i am everything, and if i am everything what is there to desire ??? how can one desire what oneSelf already IS? IT DOESNT MAKES SENSE !!! anyway, it’s 1am so im going to try and sleep again and this was a random stream of consciousness but thought id share for my own sanity (: also the people on the nonduality reddit are sooo limited. i asked a question the other day and someone told me that in order to begin this process i need to stop eating meat & blah blah blah ! anyway goodnight 🫶🏼🫶🏼

[zer0point5ive]

adam being pissed off with lawrence and lawrence walking in to see him watching tv with billy on his lap and adam refusing to look at him and only responding to lawrence by making billy talk but. he is a terrible ventriloquist so he’s literally just speaking and lawrence is like hey thats terrible ventriloquism by the way and adam is like. go fuck yourself ? but making billy say it. they are so inlove

[n0twhouth1nk]

Me sp0? The skinny upper body is eating

[ssparksflyy]

okay so yall know how im a firm 'leo valdez likes to play with ur hands and rearrange your rings' believer, right right right

what if one time after hanging out, you went to touch the ring that he gave you without thinking, cause its just a habit at this point

only to realize it wasnt on your usual index finger

it was on ur ring finger instead

nd you just die cause like THIS MANNNNNNN

[st4rr-b0y]

depression cancelled anxiety cancelled my stomach is finally flat !!

[godsprincess444]

౨ৎ

[twt-ocd-cal]

Fact

[food-foundfootage]

9-31-24 Mid restriction, 17.8k steps -532.4kcal

[cherrrrrrywaves]

i wanted to see how far i could come lol i might just pull off an entire week. i haven’t been hungry for days idek how but this one is too easy

im kinda debating whether im going to eat after friday if im still not hungry. like, i know i gotta eat something at some point, but i just don’t know when because to me its not gonna be worth it to eat if im not hungry yk.

so what if im not gonna be hungry enough to eat on friday do i just keep fasting or eat anyways like whats the smartest thing to do 😭