#my incorrect quotes posts

[kiarcheo]

Kat: Don't you just love how mental disorders are buy one, get seven free?

Jane: I didn't even want one, my mom made me buy it.

Anne: Mine's a family heirloom. Been passed down for generations.

Cathy: And that's why we're in group therapy.

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[your-senpaaaai]

try to convince me its not them

[retroflexs]

Naruto: Now that I'm the hokage I can access the archived personnel records and see Kakashi sensei's face!

*opens the file*

*the photo is cut in half and the lower part is missing*

Naruto: You've gotta be kidding me-

10 years prior

Kakashi: Now that I'm the hokage-

[olailamajnoon]

Dick on the phone, at 3 pm in the afternoon: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Bruce, just woken up, squinting at the alarm clock: Dick it's 3 pm. what is this.

Dick, tearfully: My confession! I couldn't sleep, Bruce. I was the one who drove my hamster to suicide! I didn't feed him malt cookies like I was supposed to! He climbed on the exercise wheel and didn't stop running until he died.

Dick: *continues sobbing*

Bruce: okay so first of all.

Bruce: I'm not a priest.

Bruce: And second of all. Animals don't commit suicide.

Dick: Mari did!

Bruce: You named your male hamster after your mother...?

Dick: NOT THE POINT, BRUCE!

Dick: but yes.

Bruce, sighing: There's so much to unpack here I don't know where to start.

Dick: I killed him, Bruce. I should have died along with him!

Bruce:...

Bruce: It's possible that you've associated your hamster's death with the trauma of your parents' death, possibly because of shared names, and you've displaced your survivor's guilt from the first onto the second.

Dick:...

Dick: So what should I do.

Bruce: In my experience, the best way to deal with survivor's guilt is to save as many people as you can, possibly people in the same situation as the loved ones you have lost, hoping that the heroic nature of your deeds lets you sleep at night.

Dick: And what if that doesn't work?

Bruce: Then you drink. Get shitfaced drunk every time you feel a pang. Or you can pray to a nonexistent god and an uncaring universe.

Dick:...

Dick: If I come over, will you break out the good whiskey.

Bruce: I thought you'd never ask.

[nagitosstolenhand]

[everwalldigan]

You know what would be really funny. If Jason had the most normal/conventional food taste out of his siblings (still very far from regular people’s “normal”), he’s stuck in the manor because of an injury and therefore has to witness the culinary WAR CRIMES his siblings consume for sustenance. Since there’s no Alfred to stop them anymore, they have been running rampant.

Jason: What. The fuck. Is that.

Damian, pouring out a green sludge into two cups: father and I’s breakfast smoothie, or did you hit your head hard enough to forget the concept of a smoothie?

Jason, scooting his chair away clutching his water bottle to his chest: yeah I dont know what nuclear reactive, Gotham harbour concoction you so flagrantly bestow the title of “smoothie” on but keep that shit FAR away from me

Tim: *sits down next to Jason, cracks open a can of energy drink and pours it into a glass, pouring milk on top until it reaches the brim*

Jason, with tears in his eyes looking at Dick for help:

Dick: *shrugs, shoving a fistful of dry cheerios into his mouth*

Jason: *turns his horrified gaze to Cass*

Cass: *grins at him toothily with two heaping plates of a full English breakfast sitting in front of her. He has no idea where she got it from. She is using a set of utensils for each plate.*

Jason: *stands up calmly* maybe I should stop looking for the unstable bomb I lost in the manor the other week *walks out of the kitchen, a few moments later a shrill scream is heard*

[morganaconda]

[calamity-hero-awakens]

[dc-comics-enjoyer]

(I couldn't shake off this idea)

Jason stupidly outing his secret identity because he's spiteful like that :

Red Hood, 6 feet tall, holding a gun : Who's the fucking oompa-loompa now, bitch ?

Random dude who used to call him that when they were kids : Wh-- Jason ?!

Red Hood : Yeah, not so tough anymore, huh ?

[nori-draws-things]

i love him your honor

based on this textpost I made a year ago

[kiarcheo]

Catherine: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

Anne: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Kat, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

Catherine: You're a bad influence.

Anne: And you don't know your sayings.

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[idliketobeatree]

dead boy detectives + text posts part 1/?

+ bonus

[bruciemilf]

instead of Bakugou insisting he doesn’t give a fuck about Izuku, platonically or romantically, he very adamantly and stubbornly insists he’s gay as hell.

“So, Dynamight, are you seeing any special lady at the moment,—“

Bakugou, currently on live television: I’m gay. Im gay as hell. I’m allergic to pussy. Gay gay homosexual gay. I died for that nerd, he’s never getting away from me, ever.

The media: well they seem like very good friends

[olailamajnoon]

Dick: Bruce, you look down in the dumps.

Bruce: How do you know that's not just my face?

Dick: Because your face usually says 'existential despair', not 'terminal illness'.

Bruce: Well. It's nothing. Anyway...

Dick, shutting the laptop: Bruce I'm not moving from here until you tell me.

Bruce: *sighs* Fine. Selina doesn't want any children. We've been talking about our future together, after marriage.

Dick: Oh.

Dick: Wait.

Dick: You want more children?

Bruce: Well...isn't it a normal, healthy instinct?

Dick: Bruce, I think you've left normal and healthy a couple of light years behind you. You have six children, dammit!

Bruce:...

Bruce: Do you think I have a problem?

Dick: Well....

Bruce: *puppy dog eyes*

Dick: Absolutely yes.