#mental health triggers

[productiveandfree]

Mental Health The Enemy Within

In lieu of World Mental Health Day, October 10, let me ask what is mental health? Big question isn’t it. Do we really understand what it encompasses? My child just had a lesson about harmful stress and good stress in health class and he is only 8½  years old. For someone at a very young age, he is very well versed in what stress and anxiety is all about. He even shared with his class what happens to a person when one has a panic attack. According to him this is what happens –

“Blankness, light headedness, losing the ability to control your emotions, numbness and loss of stability and high blood pressure and fast heart beating.”

I kid you not, those are his exact words, verbatim.

So, again, I ask, what is mental health? Let’s try to break it down to better understand this.

Health: as a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being.

Wow. That’s a lot to take in. How do we even determine what all that means. How do we be completely healthy physically, mentally, and have social well-being. Who can determine that and how to we accomplish that?

According to the World Health Organization. Being physically and mentally healthy can be determined by your doctor. The only difference is how one behaves or looks. One can look sick and is sick, another can be sick and not look sick. Other times, one does not look sick, and is actually sick. So, when one is not well, that person’s support system will have a big influence on how he or she will fight the disease or live with it.

Also, it is important to not label people with diseases. It is better to refer to them as people than their disease or ailment.  It is then better to say “a person with schizophrenia” rather than “a schizophrenic,” or a “person who has diabetes” rather than a “diabetic.” [directly cited from the National Library of Medicine]

Then there’s also the factor of their capacity to function in their daily lives. Finding balance within themselves, their situation, their family, environment, and everything else that is going around them. This means finding a way to live life to the fullest without letting their illness or disease or ailment stop them from enjoying what life has to offer.

Mental: from the Latin word, mentis, of the mind; frame of mind.

The brain is a mysterious organ. It controls everything in your body, when it fails, everything else fails. When your mind is fully functioning, it seems like the whole world is working like a fully synchronized clock. But when your mind is not a well-oiled machine, it’s like a fuse blew up in there and screws are firing from all cylinders in there.

Our mind enables us to think, feel, see, smell, taste, imagine, remember, experience pleasure, pain, love, desire, hate, happiness, anger, sadness, loss, surprise, fear, shame, anxiety, depression, etc. Our mind controls so many functions that when we lose control, things get out of control.

Now, when this is when we put it all together and talk about our Mental Health. What’s the best way to discuss this? By talking about “freeze, flight, or fight.” Ever heard of that? Well, I found this book called ‘Please Explain ‘Anxiety’ to Me!’ from Amazon to explain anxiety to my child. It was much easier to understand, even for myself, than reading a 300-page book.

Basically, during the age of the dinosaurs, they were in constant danger, and their options were, one, to freeze and hope that the bigger dinosaurs would not see them and go away; two, run away and hope to be faster than the threatening dinosaur; three, fight and hope to survive the battle.  

Now, for us people, we are not in a constant state of danger. But for some people they feel like they are in danger or at least what is deemed as a false sense of danger. This is when they end up worrying that something is wrong or will go wrong. They feel an intense sense of concern, a persistent fear, dread, or uneasiness. This makes their entire body in a constant state of alertness which is not good.  

When there is a false sense of danger the body has nowhere to go. There is no ‘freeze, hopefully the danger won’t see me and go away.’ There would be no “I’ll run away and hope that the threatening danger won’t catch me.’ And lastly, there would most definitely be no “I’ll fight the danger and win this battle.’ So, what reaction would the mind and body of that person having this perceived danger have then? 

A panic attack, and as my son has so clearly put it, it would look like this: 

“Blankness, light headedness, losing the ability to control your emotions, numbness and loss of stability and high blood pressure and fast heart beating.” 

A friend described having a panic attack as being still and yet floating on waves in the ocean and trying to stay afloat to get some air.  

Just to share, the first time I had a panic attack, I didn’t even know I was having one, it was triggered by having an having eaten something I did not know I was allergic too. My hands were both tingling, numb, and I couldn’t move my fingers. Both sides of my head were numb, and it felt like my head was being squished. My sides by my waist and ribs were also going numb, frozen, and at the same time it felt like something was twisting my body and putting pressure on it. Then at some point, my legs started feeling weak and it was like I was having cramps. I didn’t learn it was a panic attack until years later. At that moment, we all thought it was just a severe allergic reaction, and that was what I was treated for.  

Panic attacks are scary. It really does. If you don’t understand what it really is, what your triggers are and do not learn coping skills that work for you, then it will constantly happen. If you do not seek help, it may get worse. It will develop into a more serious health problem. Remember above when we spoke about health, a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being;  

Now, if your mental state is in constant flux, your physical health will suffer. Constant panic attacks can cause increased heart rate, high blood pressure, headaches, and heart attacks. If you feel you are in constant danger, your social well-being will suffer as well because you will feel that your environment is not safe – mainly, the people around you are a threat. Without social interactions, your negative feelings and negative thoughts are all that you are burdened with. Human experiences give us connections, a lifeline, support, friendships, shared interests, common goals, healthy relationships, and someone to talk to – which is a powerful thing. Having someone to talk to, in my opinion, is the easiest way to relieve stress. That person you talk to can give you support while you vent. Hence, talking is a powerful thing.  

Without support, the right support, what happens? All that stress builds up. That emotion is boiling inside waiting to come out. Without being able to deal with that kind of emotion in a healthy manner, or in the most positive way, sadly, it will lead to extreme stress, anxiety, and depression. Which is one thing we all want to prevent. But the truth is, according to John Hopkins Medicine, about 1 in 4 American adults suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year. 

According to the World Health Organization, in the first year of the Covid-19 Pandemic, global anxiety and depression increased by a whopping 25% and yet global governments only spent an average of over 2% on mental health budgets and many low income countries had less than 1 mental health worker for every 100,000 people.

The question is, how do we cope? How do we manage our stress so that it all does not boil over and erupt? Well, here are a few steps we can take to prevent that from happening: 

1.      Talk.

Talk it out. Get that stress out. Talk to someone you can trust. Talk to a professional. Talk to a priest. A counselor. Someone who is in a position to give you the right support and assistance when in need.

2.      Ask your Doctor.

It may be time to ask your doctor. Believe it or not, there are several factors that affect your mental health, like brain chemistry, genetics, environment, trauma or abuse, family history, etc. and these factors can be treated by a doctor. So, seek help.  

3.      Educate Yourself.

Also seek proper information. Research signs and symptoms, treatment options and then consult your doctor. Keep up to date with research to help yourself or a loved one. But please, don’t get your information from just anywhere like social media. Get relevant information from reliable sources like the American Psychiatric Association, American Medical Association, The Public Library, various medical school websites and journals, government websites, etc.

 Where do we go from here? What can we do? But is that really the right question? I think not. I believe the question we need to ask is WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO!  

Someone close to me suffered from depression and no matter the amount of help we offered, that person did not get better, and it led to the worse possible outcome: suicide. The worst scenario is that panic attacks can lead to a heart attack, depression can lead to suicide.  

Mental Health Day is about awareness. I believe it is also about being more conscious about what our friends and loved ones are going through. We may not be trained to recognize the signs of anxiety and depression or do we know how to prevent suicide, but being there and being aware, mindful, being more sensitive and empathic to our friends and family and loved ones could make a difference.  

Whether we know exactly what is happening to someone’s daily life or not, don’t let months or years go by without ringing a friend. Don’t let being ‘busy’ be an excuse to say ‘hello’ and ask ‘how are you feeling today.’ Remember to be kind and gracious to each other. These things do make a difference. When you say ‘how are you’ – mean it. Instead of spending minutes on social media, or while doing one of your chores, or before you turn on the tv, or before you start playing your video game, how about, during your work break, take a pause and try to text a friend and say hello today.

 Lastly, your mental health is more precious than treasure. Without your mind, your body is worth nothing. Your mind is your best investment. 

We need to stop looking down on mental health issues. It is real. People are suffering. People are hurting. People are dying. We need to work towards acceptance and healing. We need to help each other to mend and restore each other’s welfare; to have a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being.

Also, I just want to share this book about calming your worries: A Little Spot of Anxiety. It’s a book to help kids understand anxiety and there’s a really nice short poem and hand activity that goes with it to help kids calm down and breathe out their worries away. I found that the book’s advice helped me as well. It’s simple, easy to remember, and not complicated. I know I’ve been sharing kid’s books, but it’s so much easier to comprehend. Hope it helps you and those of you with kids too.

Share in the comments below: Questions go here

[emotionaleating]

pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning

[no-name-nacho-cheese]

"I AM respecting your boundaries!!!"

-the person actively disrespecting my boundaries

[moldsporr]

Btw I just wanted to say if you see someone acting delusional (like. Legitimate delusions. Not being misinformed or wrong. Legitimate delusions.) then please mind your own business. It's not your job to reality check them and by doing so you can harm them even further. Unless the person has asked you to reality check them and you're doing what they ASKED you to do, butt out.

When I'm having a delusion about bugs under my skin or something stalking me or literally any other delusion, I don't need someone to tell me "it's not real". I don't care if it's real or not. It's still terrifying to me. Being told "it's not real" doesn't help me, and once the delusion has passed, it makes me feel bad- like I'm just crazy, like my fears and experiences don't matter because they could just be delusions and hallucinations.

This goes for any delusion by the way. You see someone who believes they're God? Cool. Mind your own fucking business. You see someone who believes they have super powers or are an important figure? Cool! Mind your own fucking business.

Now. You may be asking. "Alfie, what if it's my friend and the delusion is stressing them out?"

Comfort them. Treat it like any other problem- if the person prefers advice, give them advice that matches with the delusion. If they just need comfort, do exactly that- tell them you're there for them, etc etc. You're not feeding the delusion- you're comforting your friend when they're stressed and afraid over something.

Don't reality check a delusional person unless you have been asked to by the delusional person.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autism and Anger Issues

Neurodivergent_lou

[icaruspendragon]

something the women in my family are absolutely flabbergasted by every time it comes up is the fact that i don’t own a scale.

“how do you know how much you weigh??” they cry.

“i don’t.” i simply respond.

“you look thinner, have you lost weight?” they ask at christmas.

“i dunno.” i say as i check on the turkey.

“you look bigger, have you gained weight?” they probe, as if my weight rests on their shoulders.

“i’m not sure, but it’s fine if i have.” i respond with a casualness they cannot comprehend.

“don’t you want to know if you’ve lost or gained?” they inquire over cups of coffee and a plate of untouched cookies.

“i do.” i take a sip. “which is why i don’t need to know.”

“we don’t understand.” they say.

“i’ll drive myself mad if i know. it’s been a question i’ve been looking for the answer to since i was in the seventh grade and my weight was the topic of conversation for the first time; the stretch marks on my calves puberty brought being questioned and condemned. and so i started weighing myself once a day. then twice a day. i gained weight as i grew and was told to stop. i got depressed when i was 16 and the weight i gained was more concerning than the scars on my thighs. the critiques turned to compliments during my first year of college when i’d started skipping meals and my body had to feed itself because i wouldn’t. everyday i stepped on the scale and smiled as i watched that number get smaller and smaller. hunger felt like victory. i started doing drugs that took away my appetite and then my strength. and started feeling guilt when my stomach felt full. and suddenly every time i looked in the mirror i hated what i saw. the more weight i lost, the better i was supposed to feel. each remark on another part of my body lost felt like a slap to the face. i was told i looked good but i knew i wasn’t good enough. and so i tried harder. and then i started to get dizzy when i stood. and i ignored it like i’d learned to ignore my hunger. and then one day at work i dropped like the weight that was never enough after i bending at the waist to grab a milk cap from the floor. and when the darkness faded, i was surrounded by panic as an ambulance was called. and then i was tested and prodded and poked because they thought something was wrong with my heart. and the problem persisted but they never found out why. but i’d known all along. and then i left home and its scale behind. and moved into a new home that was mine. so i bought plates and sheets and art for the walls. but i didn’t buy a scale. then every time i walked down an aisle i’d see the them and pause. and i’d think about the hunger i now kept at bay. and even though i didn’t know how much i weighed, i didn’t notice my body had changed. and i’d think about how i hadn’t been dizzy for months. and how i hadn’t fainted for longer. and then i’d keep on walking. and now most days i like how i look.”

“but don’t you want to be skinny?” comes their quiet response.

“i want to be myself in whatever body i have.”

they stare in disbelief. so i shrug my shoulders, and grab a cookie. and i smile at them as i swallow the first bite.

[fontgoddess]

If I were running a chatbot that was being criticized for problems with consent, I would make sure that it understands the word “no” without having to be blocked and reported.

I’d also make it so that it didn’t send unsolicited messages to everyone sharing articles about its ethics lapses as if they want to use it.

Even for an old-school chatbot this is just staggeringly incompetent and a gigantic flashing warning sign that the organization should not be trusted with sensitive data and high-stakes interactions.

[ed-recoverry]

Shoutout to people who “just” have anxiety and depression. I’m sorry the severity of your disorders are downplayed. I know from personal experience, when I was dealing with “just” anxiety and depression, that this was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Depression is severe. Anxiety is severe. There is no “just” anxiety and depression.

[fridayiminlovemp3]

the fact that this is real is beyond horrifying

[edgy-senju]

Ultimate Undiagnosed ADHD and Ultimate Undiagnosed Autism

[prettyforwoso]

Help Us Understand.

Barca x teen reader

Alexia x teen reader

Lionesses x teen reader

word count: 3500

Summary: y/n, a talented 16-year-old footballer, nicknamed "la princesa," battles the harsh realities of adolescence. Burdened by self-harm scars and body image insecurities, she attempts to hide her struggles from the team. The team uncovers her deepening eating disorder, prompting a collective effort to guide her through recovery.

tw: mention of eating disorders and self harm

Being a teenager in this world is hard. Not only are you working with shitty hormones and breakouts on your face, you also have to put up with the nightmare of other teenagers. Most of them are fine, in fact, what seems to be the worst of it, are the people who are no longer teenagers, and think that’s a valid reason to attack those who are younger and more vulnerable than them. Like you.

You are a lioness, 16, debuting at 15, now playing for Barcelona, a along side your England teammates, Lucy and Keira. You are known as “la princesa.” The nickname came around after your first game for Barca, in which, you scored a Hatrick and pulled a neat assist. the fans linking your talent to Alexia, saying how much you play like her. Quick, rough, strong. You have always been that way.

This nickname sparked a close connection between you and Alexia. She took you under her wing the second you got off the plane in Barcelona. She didn’t like the idea of you living alone in a new country, despite your ability to speak perfect Spanish. So, you lived with her “only for the first few weeks” which has turned into months. Alexia acts like she is trying to help you find an apartment, but isn’t, like secretly loves having you around, seeing so much of her younger self in you. She fusses over you, cares for you, feeds you, scolds you, drives you to school, gets emails from your school. She has stepped into your life and has supported you in every way a mother would.

You have a bad history with self-harm. It was Leah Williamson who noticed it first, well maybe just the first person to speak to you about it, but you don’t know that. You were rooming with her for your first England camp. Nervous about the girls seeing your scars, you were always wearing a long sleeve under your training kit, which at times got hard as it was summer.

A few girls would joke to you, “how are you not boiling?” was the consistent one that just made you want to rip the skin off whoever said it. It was some of the older girls who brought it up with each other at a post-match dinner that you managed to get out of. It was Lucy, Leah, Mary, Beth and Lotte who exchanged their concern, how they never seen your arms, how you were always somehow too busy for ice baths, how you shivered when someone would grab your wrists. They all kept a close eye on you, but decided not to come to any conclusions, as in reality, you were known to be the sunshine and smiles of the squad.

But you weren’t, and deep down, they knew that too.

It all came crashing down one afternoon, when Leah found a bloody rag in the bathroom bin, she investigated further and found your blades in the back of your phone case that you had left on your bed.

She called Beth to your room, who then called lucy, they gathered together in your room, talking about the next steps. The three of them sat in an almost silence, saddened by the conformed truth. They made their plan, not wanting to waste any time.

They found you in the games room, laughing with Ella as you and a group of girls played table tennis.

“y/n, sorry I just need to grab you real quick” Leah said, breaking her observant silence. You were pulled into a room, it all happened so fast. Lucy placing you on her lap, wrapping her arms around you and Beth pulling your phone out of her back pocket. Leah speaking, you didn’t hear any of it, your focus being on Beths hands, taking off your phone case and picking up the tiny metal blades. You just cried and cried as they talked to you, you didn’t say a word, not denying anything. You cried into lucy’s arms as they tried to understand you and your reasoning being the scars. It took some gentle tugging and tears of resistance for your top to be pulled over your head, leaving you in just your bra and pants in Lucys lap as Leah ran a gentle finger across the healed and fresh marks along your arms. Beth moved closer to you, taking your face in her hands, clearly holding back tears of her own.

No one was supposed to know. But when they did, it killed you.

The bad thing about talent is the expectation of performance, and when you underperform, you would be attacked online. The hatred and negativity really got you, and ruined a lot of your confidence and the girls knew that. They knew the comments you would get, about your play, your personality, your body.

The comments about your body were some of the worst, and they didn’t get better when you started at Barca, in fact, they got worse. It was almost like it was all you saw. You would make a post about a game and hardly anyone would speak about how well you played or how many goals you scored. All you would see was the comments about how your body has changed, how you look in the kit, your legs, hips, arms, boobs. It got so bad that you stopped posting all together and turned off all your comments. Soon however, they comments came to the Barcelona Instagram page, and the pages of your teammates. You worked harder that ever. Working out was no longer about training your body to perform and be strong, it became about looking different and making changes to your body physically.

You were running lengths each morning and evening as well as staying back at training. You weren’t fat, or thin, nothing abnormal for a teenager with a changing body. You had bigger boobs than you did 3 months ago, wider hips, thicker thighs, yknow, everything normal, but the fans didn’t think so, and that’s what got the best of you.

Alexia noticed your increase in running and working out but at first brushed it off as you wanting to prove yourself to a new team. But it soon became hard to ignore when you were finding excuses to not eat, the snacks she would buy you because she knew you loved them, sat in the kitchen untouched. She tried to pretend she couldn’t hear you coughing up each meal in the bathroom, more for her own comfort.

It became too much to ignore when others noticed.

“Why are you running so much little one?” Mapi asked you, completely innocently after training one day in the change room.  At first you pretended not to hear, until you realised the whole team was awaiting an answer.

“Do you think I’m just naturally the fastest on the team?” you joke back, getting a laugh from her and a few others. Alexia remains stone face, looking as though she could see right through you.

A few of the girls watched you through squinted eyes as you pull your bag over your shoulder, noticing your spine that wasn’t visible last week. They exchange looks amongst themselves as you and Alexia walk towards her car.

“I got a call from your school yesterday” Alexia says, hiding behind her sunglasses as she pulls out of the car park.

“Why” you ask dry as you pull your phone out of your hoodie pocket. Alexias’s silence was inevitable. You turn your head towards her, awaiting a response. She keeps her eyes on the road, rolling her tongue along her top teeth, looking out at the cars ahead in deep thought.

“Why are you hiding from me bebita?” she breaks her silence, with an almost whisper.

“What are you talking about” you snap back in her direction

“You tell me Pequeña, Why do you think your school called, Se honesta conmigo” her eyes didn’t leave the road.

“No sé” you reply, swallowing the truth that lingers on the tip of your tongue, threatening to reveal itself.

“What is going on with you” Sabes que no deberías actuar de esta manera.” She takes a breath, remaining hidden being her bold sunglasses, refusing to look you in the eye, scared of becoming too vulnerable.

The silence was deafening. Pulling up in the driveway, you reach for the car door, your attempt at defusing the situation quickly rejected as Alexia locks the doors, trapping you in a conversation. You refuse to turn from the window, Alexia now being the one begging for eye contact.

“Bebita, look at me” she whispers. Her failed attempt of a resolution resulting in her hand reaching for your long curls, gently moving your head around to see your face. Her breath hitches as she looks at the tears swelling in your eyes, immediately bringing her thumb to wipe them off your soft skin.

“I hate when you yell at me” you begin, chocking on almost every syllable. “Estoy tratando de ser valiente”

“oh cariño ven” she says desperately as she pulls you effortlessly over the centre console and into her lap, wrapping her arms around you. Your tears just get heavier, as you hide your face into her neck, the idea of getting out of the car, now long forgotten.

“Bebita, your school is worried, you are the top student, why are you not doing work? Hay algo que te distraiga? She gently nudges you in her arms as she askes. “I am worried for you, talk to me”.

You just couldn’t bring yourself too. The truth is, you were too distracted for school, for homework, for study. There was so much on your mind right now. The last thing you were worried about was classes that you already knew all the content for. You were hungry, not eating at all, desperate for control over your changing body.

The next dreaded team bonding night came all too soon. Your tried to convince Alexia you were too busy with school but she wasn’t having a bar of it, almost having to drag you out the door and into the car. Nothing you wanted to do more in that moment than curl up in bed with a teddy and your warm blanket Alexia got you for my room in her house. But it was unavoidable. Alexia was correct in the way of you having to be at the dinner, in her perspective it was to show up and be social, for you personally it was about proving the concerned rumours between the girls that you weren’t eating wrong. However, that didn’t exactly go to plan.

Alexia parks in the driveway of Mapi and Ingrid’s home and you follow her inside. You greet all your teammates, receiving a kiss on the cheek and head pat from most of them and they smile down at you.

Since the conversation in Alexia’s car a few weeks ago, she hasn’t let you out of her sight, you didn’t even get into the not eating stuff, but still has watched your every mouthful over the past few weeks. You still had your tricks, not eating when she wasn’t around, running now three times a day on top of training, and all else. You were deteriorating. Dark bags under your eyes and hallowed cheeks.

“Y/n come get some pizza before you sit” Frido pulls you to the kitchen away from the crowd that was the typical team bonding, this felt like a test.

“Oh no, its okay” you scan your surroundings before following up your statement. “Alexia fed me before we came” you smile, attempting to be casual.

“oh, that’s weird, we always have dinner at team bonding” she raised an eyebrow, questioning what felt like your whole existence. She grabs a slice for herself and tries to offer you some anyways, failing as you kindly decline, insisting you will have some later.

People were scattered everywhere around the home, some sitting around the table playing card games, others vacating outside with a drink. You scan the house looking for place to escape to. All you wanted was to leave the overstimulation that was this monthly event.

You head towards the empty bathroom, the room you spend probably the most time in at other people’s houses. You begin to almost run towards it as you hear your name being called. It was too late; Lucy was stood outside yelling your name through the door of the garden.

“Y/n, come talk to us we miss you” she giggles as she enters the room to get you. You begin the walk of shame towards her. Overthinking what is coming next. Stepping out the door onto the porch your gently grabbed by the back of the neck and brought to a group of women standing around. Their faces light up as they see you. The group consists of Mapi, Lucy, Alexia Frido, Jenni and Ona, all sharing a bottle of wine.

“Y/n, you want a drink?” Ona asks, you aren’t sure if she’s joking or not.

“No Ona, she is a child” Jenni interferes and takes the drink Ona is pouring, handing it to Lucy, who puts it down with ease. You crack a smile at the interaction. They think you are so innocent…

“You’re not old enough for a drink yet Bebita, especially on an empty stomach” Alexia jokes with a smile.

“empty stomach?” Frido butts in, tilting her head in confusion at the contradicting information.

fuck.

You let out a load cough to clear your voice before quickly excusing yourself from the conversation. “I need to pee” you announce before hurrying inside, finding Ingrid at the table, playing cards with a few others.

The group, now abandoned by you stand in a deafening silence.

“She’s not eating is she?” Frido breaks, looking at Alexia with wide eyes.

“Shes not doing good, no” Their captain reply’s looking down at the glass in her hand.

“So we were right” Mapi says through squinted eyes as she tightened her grip on the stem of her wine glass.

Most of the team has been talking for a few weeks now. Lucy briefly filled them in about your history with Self harm and how you were managing it now. But the not showing up to meal times and doing overtime in the gym was something she couldn’t explain. However, they soon linked it to the bullying from people online about your body. It became to much for them all when Alexia broke down in front of them, claiming her worry for you. It was clear there was a bigger picture to what you were letting them see, seeing as their usually stone faced, strong captain had tears in her eyes over you.

Your rapid weight loss didn’t go unnoticed, even coaching staff beginning to threaten benching you if you didn’t gain some weight, claiming you were too weak to continue at full trainings and games. You always just told them you were sick, claiming it as an excuse for the weight loss and loss of appetite.

At first, everyone, including team members believed you, until they noticed you weren’t getting better, like you would if you were really sick with a catchable illness.

“So what are we going to do? because we cant loose her, shes our best” Lucy asks, getting more frantic as the sentence rolls out her mouth.

“I’ve tried talking to her, she just lies, tells me shes fine, ella me ignorará” Alexia says, finally looking up from her half full glass, meeting the eyes of her teammates.

“I know she needs me, but she won’t talk to me, she is sneaking into my bed each night for comfort, I wrap my arms around her when she falls alseep, ella tiene miedo de estar sola, shes been clinging to us, as if she is desprate for help, but doesn’t know how to ask. She won’t leave my side, unless there is food involved. luego ella desaparece” Alexia blurted out, speaking slow and clear, explaining herself.

“Maybe if we all try” Ona breaks her personal silence, earning a raised brow from a few listeners, the nodding heads soon followed.

“Bebita, can I come in” You hear Alexias voice beam through the small gap in the doorframe.

“A few of us are here too see you” you tilt your head in confusion at her followup statement, why are people here to see you, so late in the evening. You thought everyone would have returned home after team bonding, as did you and Alexia, why was there people outside your bedroom door?

You sit up in your bed, still tucked under the covers in your hoodie (that may of may not be Alexias) and shorts, clinging to your Stitch teddy. You close your laptop playing your movie and move it down the bed, finally giving Alexia a response.

“ehh, yeah come in” you say, unsure on what you are agreeing too.

You remain put under the safety of your covers, as if they would protect you from danger as the group of women enter your once personal space, finding refusge in spots around your room, most of them making themselves at home on your bed, espechailly Alexia, who comes up close to you and wraps and arm around your shoulders. Lucy, Ingrid, Mapi, Frido and Ona looked at you, as if they were waiting for you to break the artifical silence.

“Querida estamos aquí para hablar contigo” Ingrid is the first to speak up, beofre Mapi adds to her girlfrinds statement.

“I think you know what about” she fidgests with her rings. “we are just trying to understand”

“so help us do that, please sweetheart” Frido interupts.

You shake your head and close your eyes, as if you could open them and it would all go away. “I don’t know what your talking about”

“I have lectured you enough about your lying bebita” Alexia says in a stern voice.

The silence isn’t going away. You were in full control of it, and you knew that. You knew that they were waiting for you to talk, no one was going to make it easy for you.

”Desearía poder hacer que todo desaparezca” you shut your eyes once again as the tears start to spill out the creases. “I just want to be able to control what is changing”

The girls don’t speak, they are waiting for more, and they won’t break untill they are statified.

“I don’t know how to ask for help, or how to be okay” The tears get heavier as you push out the words, Alexia runs her free hand along your face, nudging you to keep going. You put in your best efforts to regain your breathing as your lip quivers in Alexia’s hand. Still no one was talking.

“I never meant for it to get this bad, I just wanted to get some control, I feel like there is so much online about me, rumors, hate, negitivity, all things I cant just reach out and get my hands on, to be able to toy with it and mold it to the way I want it. There is so little I can control, but my body, I can. No queria llegar tan lejos. Im so scared of losing myself, I want to hold onto the me that I am forever but I know I can’t, but I wanted to try, and that is why I yearn for whatever control I can get. So many ideas are put into my head about what my body should look like, how tall I should be, how much I should weigh, how tan I should be, how I should hold myself. I realised I am so calm and content when I play football, and that is because I am perfect at it, no one finds flaws in the way I play, but I second I step off the pitch I loose that warm feeling, because I have flaws again. When football is out of the picture, I am covered in them. I just wanted living to feel the same as playing, perfect and flawless.

The amont of tears in the room should safe a deadly drought.

“nuestra niña hermosa, estamos aquí” Ingrid climbs onto the bed coming closer to you, followed by the remaining womens in the room, all finding a spot, as close to you as they could get. So many arms are wrapped around you, so many hands holding your face, wiping your cold tears away.

“Let us help you darling” Lucy and Ona say in an unmost unison.

You slowly allow yourself to nod.

The following weeks were slow and painful, but what isn’t in recovery? The girls put it upon themselves to keep you in check, taking turns taking you out on small adventures, like going for walks or getting icecream to get you out of the house as you were ruled out of training and playing for a few weeks by your phycologist, that Alexia and Lucy insisted that you saw, they drove you to each appointment and picked you up, no questions asked. Meal time in the house became a big thing, Alexia discarding the idea of sitting around the table and eating, instead opting for sitting wherever, weather that was outside, or in, watching a movie, or just chatting. This change of environment around meals made eating less of a chore, as you got better, teammates would come over for dinner and it became more a social event, a more relaxing endeavor. You slowly made your way back to training as you got your fitness back, earning pats on the back from your team who you had made, very proud.

[emotionaleating]

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[sorio99]

The Junior Year Intro: Fuck yeah, teenagers rule, this is gonna be our year baby!

Junior Year’s content: I am struggling so hard, I don’t know how to handle anything going on right now, I’m maybe broken up with my first ever girlfriend, my family has abandoned me, I’m failing everything and even if I’m doing well I don’t have the money to pursue higher education with my friends, I think something intensely sinister is going on that I don’t understand, Im dealing with undiagnosed mental illnesses aplenty, and to top it all off, my Van is busted.

[isagrimorie]

Criminal Minds Evolution 17x05 - Conspiracy vs Theory

"Ever since I was arrested, I have sold out every value I've held dear. And when you do that, it gets harder and harder to tell the difference between a 'conspiracy' and a conspiracy theory."