#mental health rant

[caramelcactus]

Planning to see psychiatrist maybe next week while my own brain is trying to gaslight me into thinking I’m totally alright and that I certainly wasn’t feeling depressed and suicidal for the last three days in a row

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

actually my body is a rock tumbler and my bones and organs and my brain and mind and spirit they’re all just rocks but the gritty goo stuff is missing so nothings actually getting polished everythings just tumblin around in there eternally and whatever combination of things is wrong with me…that’s what it all feels like sometimes

[rachymarie]

On the last day of Anxiety Depression grp yesterday i unexpectedly came out as schizospec and idk my brain may be making something out of nothing, but i kinda felt like i could detect a general response from the coordinators of like "you shouldn't have done that"/"you didnt have to say that" while iirc (idk memory capacity has been screwy in this heat lately) the two other women in group didn't comment, were perhaps in shock lol. But like fuck it I'm tired of hiding myself.

If you can't even come out in a room of a handful of women with (the most commonly talked about + accepted, mind you) mental health conditions you have spent 12 sessions with idk where you can lol

I have mentioned many schizospec symptoms i struggle with throughout the course of the ...course (lol) so surely it wasn't really that much of a blindside.

Not my fault there are no groups for educating people on schizospec (only ones for voices hearing and hallucinations!!). Depressed people don't have to attend months-long educational groups for illnesses they don't have so I think they can handle simply the occasional mention of a "scary" illness in their midst lol.

But yeah there's also something to say about making a mental health group where you're not barred from mentioning diagnoses, bc for one thing it feels like they are denying the existence of very real symptoms you struggle with and are as yet pharmaceutically unmedicable, and also trying to sweep the "ugly" word under the rug instead of teaching society to be more openminded and accepting of it. Feels reminiscent of making up words for disability to make abled folks feel comfortable/at ease, like "handicapable" "differently abled". Stop all that mental gymnastics trying to water down language that makes you uncomfortable, but our communities have accepted for ourself. It may be scary but it really is ok to just sit and fathom the gravity of the situation. We have our limitations and we have accepted that while still trying to do our best and in the meantime rest. (Sorry had to fit a rhyme in)

But alas/all my whinging aside, overall I'm glad to have been along for the ride and everyone involved was nice enough even tho i probably tested their patience sometimes with my ramblings, crazy days, and other "quirks". I try not to be the most insufferable git on the planet but sometimes that's inescapable I'm afraid 😅. I just can't seem to help being so.... Me. My ability to mask all my neurodivergencies has big slipped by this point I still wish i could access proper therapy but that is like pulling teeth around here I'm afraid.

Idk if anyone would have managed to get thru this long spiel but that's some rambles for now and onto meds breakfast before it gets much later (waiting for the nausea to pass - i think i may have eaten some next day bad blinis)

[leafiles]

ART + small rant.

Hi! Its been a bit since I posted art and wanted to post some and give an update!

So irl has been a bit chaotic for me rn and its gotten harder to upload art or posts daily. My mental helath especially this month has been shit. Irl has been a slight rollercoaster. So every artist has a burnout period where they need time to just have a small break from art. I wasn't doing well but i'm back and I'm okay. Don't expect daily post bc I have been busy BUT expect some pieces some weeks.

[comfortableinthesilence]

Its true what they say…you can pick your friends but when it comes to your family you're stuck with them! Got my grandad upsetting my mum, my brother causing the upset and frustrations to my grandad and then there's me trying to be peacemaker when all I want to do is pack a bag and disappear🫠🙃

[onlyxmcbride]

I wish my brain was normal, just for one day. everything just feels like a constant struggle and I don't know why or what to do with myself. it's so exhausting

[tama1313]

Sweet reminder to not call mentally ill people "annoying/boring" when they rant about their conditions!

As someone that her entire life was affected badly by her mental state, I can assure you that (without proper care/talk) we can absolutely do nothing about.

The only reaction you will obtain is making us feeling guilty and closing inside even more, with the only final result to make everything worse!

Please and thank you, from a very tired MADD and GAD person

[bubble3-tea-3bear]

Something I’ve learned while committing to Wonyoungism is that on this self care journey, you can’t change people. Stop trying to make people fit your standards so that you’re happy. If you are peanut butter and they are pickle juice, you shouldn’t find reasons to turn that person into jelly. You need to accept yourself as you are and realize the only person you can control is yourself. And another thing, misery doesn’t build character. It just doesn’t. Challenges do, please remember that.

Remember to stay magical and that you can’t change people. You are you and they are them. With that I’m signing out my wonderful amethyst babies 💗🫶. Goodbye 👋.

[angelsandarsenic]

I am once again raging about that whole mess with my adhd and anxiety diagnoses. It’s pisses me off so much. I WAS DIAGNOSED. BY A DOCTOR WHO ACTUALLY JNOWS WHAT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT. but medical doctors always look at me like I’m a webmd armchair diagnosis and I HATE showing people the paperwork because it has a whole long section of my dad—who doesn’t believe in mental health—talking about all my worst qualities as he sees them. And then I don’t even have my anxiety diagnosis because even though my parents have admitted it, “anxiety isn’t real” and getting told by a professional isn’t enough for them, so I don’t even HAVE official paperwork for that, which, when I’m talking to someone about having disorders, only make the aforementioned problem worse. and to top it all off, the anxiety questions I answered for the doctor were the most general few questions se could have asked, that mostly don’t even apply to me

i can’t wait until i actually get my degree so people will stop thinking I’m one of the pop-psychology, not as smart as I think I am, insufferable types of people

[theoculus124]

Sorry for not being active guys my mental health is really bad rn and Idk how to make it any better

[hikarry]

gotta check in on the baby boy of the fandom 👏 so how are you feeling lately? (this is for you to vent all your anticipations/worries lol)

Oh love...are you sure?

Lately has been Hell. Utter and absolute Hell.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, as I've said before, and now we are in a trial and error of medications that's tiring me. It's very frustrating.

I was taking this medication that made me feel human and functional for a week but then suddenly it stopped working. I went throught the worst withdrawl of my life. It was really like I was on drugs and was letting them off my system. My brain fried and I couldn't think. I just could cry and beg God to let me die. The pain was...it was impossible. I honest to God don't remember the last time I felt like that. It was a hole. Like something was missing. After a week of being okay and normal, being back like I was before felt like Hell. Like madness. I yelled at the Heavens that I was losing my mind. I hit my head against walls. I hit my fists against tables. I screamed. I cried. I couldn't take it anymore.

I still can't.

I'm slightly better, but I still feel that hole. That emptiness.

I can't sleep without having a panic attack and I can't study. I can't focus. And I can't think. It's like my brain is a hole. I don't find joy in anything I used to like. Everything makes me miserable. Being alive makes me miserable and I still feel like I'm losing my marbles, but I'm taking it one day at the time.

I'm not throught the worst, I don't think. There's a low I still have to hit, so I'm just waiting.

I have therapy tomorrow and...I will try to make her understand what my brain is doing and hope she will do something, say something that will throw me a bone.

Until then, let's just pretend I'm fine.

[viviswtings]

Isn’t it funny how your brain will refuse to fall for anyone because ever since you were a kid you’ve had to ask to be loved?

Ever since I was little I remember begging my parents for love. My mother and I had a strained relationship ever since she divorced my dad, she didn’t like me much, and even as a young child I could tell. While my father was mostly absent due to very limited visit hours.

I used to get good grades, I was book smart and I tried so hard to get into the stuff my mom liked. I tried to be a grown up, because she wasn’t. I remember getting into her bed at night and trying to tell her about my day. She was always too tired, too done with everything for me.

Then the fights came. A child can only ask for love for so long until adolescence hits like a truck and the kid realises something is very wrong in the way her mother ignores her. After the fights comes the violence. She hit. She threw stuff at me. Two toy baby carriers. I hid under the desk, she’s never apologised.

So I called my dad. I was under the belief that my father would come like a knight in shining armour and save me from my abusing mother. He always said he couldn’t. The law, apparently. At eleven years old I only remember being deeply distraught. Why couldn’t my dad come for me? I was very sure he did love me.

Until my mom kicked me out at fourteen. I tried to end things. He was there for me, for a while. After that his girlfriend became more important, he had to “go on with his life” because “one day I would grow up and leave him”. He couldn’t possibly stop living for his daughters.

Then I had my first big crush. I was fifteen, she was fourteen. We met and kept in contact because I called her every day. For many months I called a girl that would laugh and hang up on me. So I called again. I tried to befriend her while every once in a while I sent her a text that said “Please, love me” and she answered with “I can’t” or “I don’t”.

For a while she lived away and promised we would date. I kept it a secret. I was ecstatic. I was sixteen. When she came back she acted like it never happened. Like months of my very real life had been an illusion. That night I was heartbroken. Told a boy I thought I could grow to like I didn’t want to date him. “I like your best friend”, I proclaimed. Like it meant something. “She doesn’t like you” he reminded me. Like I forgot. Like I could.

I accepted it. Just like I accepted my mom and tried to grow closer to her, just for her to sink back down and push me away. Just like I adored my father, who to this day is still distant, though he has tried to change. Just like everything else, I bowed my head, took the love I was given. Even if it meant friendship. She’s now my best friend, I don’t resent her. I don’t love her anymore. It’s been many years since then.

Right after I lost my best friend. Actually, I lost all my friends. Something about cheating. At this time I was barely attending school. The few times I attended I got bullied by the same people I trusted. I trusted them because my best friend had. I loved her. I still do. I can’t forgive her, though. She witnessed everything. I got separated from the rest of the class by my teacher because they had gone as far as trying to influence my grades. We were seventeen.

That summer I begged her for forgiveness. I didn’t know what I had done wrong. “I love you” I told her. “Please I don’t have anyone else” I begged. “You are suffocating me” was her answer. They bullied me until we graduated a year later. I asked everyone for forgiveness, I ridiculed myself for their love. I also tried to end everything, again. I didn’t have the guts.

Then came a boy, many years later, when I thought I had healed. I was twenty. I never had a significant other. I didn’t even dare to talk to the couple of boys I had come to like in those years. This one called me pretty, agreed to meet me. I made a fool of myself. I confessed. “Thank you” was his answer.

I realised, yet again, I had gone after someone who didn’t want me.

It’s been really long since that guy. I actually confessed way later. After trying to make conversation many times, after trying to win a favour I never had. It was like saying “Oh, please. Like me. Just this once. I need someone to feel something for me, just this one time”. It didn’t work. Poor man, he was always so polite.

So now I am closer to twenty-three. I like bands and actors because my body seems physically unable to find anyone around me remotely attractive or interesting. All my friends have stable partners and I just smile and wish them all the happiness I feel like God has refused me. I’ve planned my life disregarding the idea of a typical family. I work hard to succeed because I’ve ever only known fulfilment through my work.

I don’t hate my life. I truly don’t. I have few friends but I trust them. I love my studies and I’ve managed to make a little money through my art. I’ve learned to be grateful for what I do have. But it’s in human nature to seek connection. I’ve learned to believe that I could only ever be truly happy if I turned off that part of my brain. In a way I have seemed to succeed.

Yet if I am one thing in this life is lonely. I don’t believe working on myself before being with anyone will fix it, because I have worked more on myself than anyone I know. I will keep doing it, because the little girl who got told off by her mother and left hanging by her father deserves that much.

But I guess all I wanted was to put it out there. I’m not even sure I have worded things this way to my therapist. Yet this is the truth. It is my truth, if not anyone else’s. And if you have come this far and relate: you’re worth more than what those people did to you.

[justatorturedpoet]

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME I CANT GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT LOOSING IT. I'm tired all the time, I can't barely socialize and everything gives me near death experience worth amounts of anxiety. I'm also always sick cause the stress messes up my inmune system. I'm having constant nausea. Someone get me out of here. I can't handle it.

[pannaghosta]

i love insects and spiders because they're so gross and icky to most people

and also really vulnerable

but if you take the trouble to gently hold them in your hand and look up close you'll see their little faces aren't as scary as they seem, maybe goofy at times, their colours so deep and vibrant, their antennas so curious their pedipalps so touchy...

and of course people will call you weird for your fascination with them and it's frustrating what to you is an eight-legged precious treasure to them is just squish worthy.

man. I wish someone did that to me. Held me in their hand. Looked at me up close. Saw the beauty in my icky traits. I'm tired of being stepped on.

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

I wish parents would just fucking stay together I wish holidays felt like holidays I wish they weren’t so full of shity memories I wish I didn’t have to choose which parent is gonna be the favorite this time for every fucking holiday I wish the amount of time spent with people I love didn’t always have to be half of what it could be I wish people could just fucking get along and love each other. So autistic of me, I guess, to think people should just do what tf they say they’re gonna do….But whatever it’s fine totally have a kid and then split up it’s nbd totally cool great brilliant /s

[somber-tone-man]

If your advise is going to be rude and senseless, you've better shut your mouth up.

No one, not even your sorry ass existence, wants to hear how idiotic your ideas are.

So, keep your "advise" just for you...