#the rambling schizospec

[rachymarie]

On the last day of Anxiety Depression grp yesterday i unexpectedly came out as schizospec and idk my brain may be making something out of nothing, but i kinda felt like i could detect a general response from the coordinators of like "you shouldn't have done that"/"you didnt have to say that" while iirc (idk memory capacity has been screwy in this heat lately) the two other women in group didn't comment, were perhaps in shock lol. But like fuck it I'm tired of hiding myself.

If you can't even come out in a room of a handful of women with (the most commonly talked about + accepted, mind you) mental health conditions you have spent 12 sessions with idk where you can lol

I have mentioned many schizospec symptoms i struggle with throughout the course of the ...course (lol) so surely it wasn't really that much of a blindside.

Not my fault there are no groups for educating people on schizospec (only ones for voices hearing and hallucinations!!). Depressed people don't have to attend months-long educational groups for illnesses they don't have so I think they can handle simply the occasional mention of a "scary" illness in their midst lol.

But yeah there's also something to say about making a mental health group where you're not barred from mentioning diagnoses, bc for one thing it feels like they are denying the existence of very real symptoms you struggle with and are as yet pharmaceutically unmedicable, and also trying to sweep the "ugly" word under the rug instead of teaching society to be more openminded and accepting of it. Feels reminiscent of making up words for disability to make abled folks feel comfortable/at ease, like "handicapable" "differently abled". Stop all that mental gymnastics trying to water down language that makes you uncomfortable, but our communities have accepted for ourself. It may be scary but it really is ok to just sit and fathom the gravity of the situation. We have our limitations and we have accepted that while still trying to do our best and in the meantime rest. (Sorry had to fit a rhyme in)

But alas/all my whinging aside, overall I'm glad to have been along for the ride and everyone involved was nice enough even tho i probably tested their patience sometimes with my ramblings, crazy days, and other "quirks". I try not to be the most insufferable git on the planet but sometimes that's inescapable I'm afraid 😅. I just can't seem to help being so.... Me. My ability to mask all my neurodivergencies has big slipped by this point I still wish i could access proper therapy but that is like pulling teeth around here I'm afraid.

Idk if anyone would have managed to get thru this long spiel but that's some rambles for now and onto meds breakfast before it gets much later (waiting for the nausea to pass - i think i may have eaten some next day bad blinis)

[werethropy]

"mental health" advocates when they see someone with Z-OCD or P-OCD (suddenly they don't care about mental health anymore and just want to jump to conclusions to hurt the people they swore to help)

This also goes for psychotic people who have "scary"/"disturbing" reactions to certain things (screaming, rocking back and forth while holding their head, mumbling about seemingly "crazy" or "inane" things, defecating themselves, scratching their skin, lashing out, wetting themselves, etc.)

Everyone wants to be on the right side of history until they realize mental health advocacy includes everyone and not just the 'prettier' disorders that they oh-so-love to cherrypick and romanticize.

Everyone loves the idea of disorders being less stigmatized than they are today, but will, in the same vein, clutch their pearls when they hear a person with POCD sob about how they feel like a disgusting human being about having uncontrollable, EGO-DYSTONIC, INTRUSIVE thoughts/images about children. They will call a morally incorrect person psychotic, they will say things very reminiscent of "I'm scared that the EVIL PSYCHOTICS are able to roam freely 😰😰😰😰" with a helluva lot of padding, they will make "schizo" jokes whose whole purpose was to trigger psychotic people because it's funny.

It's disgusting how your beliefs stop at the people who's disorders don't fit into your perfect little box of what's acceptable for a fucking illness or not, as if they have any damn control over it.

[schizodiaries]

This should go without saying but sometimes even I need a reminder.

Psychosis is different for everyone. The way people experience it, the way they feel about it, the effect it has on them, it all varies from person to person. For some people their psychosis was the lowest point in their lives. For others it wasn’t a huge deal, and maybe they even feel positively towards it. For some people their psychosis causes them to behave erratically. Others might hardly exhibit any behaviors at all. Some people lose all sense of self during psychosis, while others will say they found themselves because of it. Some people feel ashamed of their psychosis, others are proud of what they went through. And for most of us, it’s not always one or the other, but a little mix of everything in between.

There’s not one correct way to experience psychosis and there isn’t a right way to feel about it either. Regardless of what you went through or how you feel, you deserve to speak about it.

[rotting-brains]

weirdos stick together cuz if we talked with a normal person about delusions or psychosis they'd treat us like monsters

[toesuckler]

i wish people irl knew how far ive come in my schizotypal. i wish. they just dont get it at all. when i was younger i never spoke, and when i did it was barely coherent, i mumbled and i didnt use the right words and it never made sense, i wasnt capable of taking care of an animal, i was irritable and believed everyone was out to get me and that they were all liars, i couldnt brush my hair or take care of myself or ANYTHING. ive come SO FAR and its been SO MUCH EFFORT and they still think im just 'sort of weird' and 'unnerving'. they dont get it. they dont see how good im doing, they dont even know what my disorder means or just how many people with it end up homeless or in jail. they dont understand that ill never be like them, but that im trying so fucking hard!! i am!!! i want them to see me. and believe me for once...

[lifenconcepts]

What an agony it is to be perceived by my mortal shell, appearance, and physical actions when I’m so much more. My psyche is the only real self I know and it’s truly a pain when people can’t even see that well enough. 

[aftonsparv-bugzz]

pov: we lock eyes and as we stare at eachother i blurt out the word "schizophrenia". nothing else, nothing more or nothing less, i simply just say the word "schizophrenia" as we stare deeply into one another's eyes

[necromeat]

A schizoid POV

Feeling nothing towards compliments or criticism is kind of crazy. I know these are positive and negative things, and that people often strive to get more compliments than criticism, and I know people often get happy of the former and upset by the latter, though I know both are essential in healthy human interactions. But I really, really don't give a damn what someone thinks of me or if they try to make me happy or upset. I guess it's just the schizoid way.

Like, I genuinely don't understand why someone would go out of their way to seek compliments, or how, at the end of the day, some criticism should make you upset. I mean, sure, if I put a lot of effort into something, let's say a drawing, and someone says it looks nice, I can say it makes me happy to hear, but more in a logical sense than in an emotional one. And it's even better if they tell me what specifically they like about the drawing, not because I would feel complimented and emotional, but because I like to analyze. And honestly, they could even tell me what they don't like, and then I can perhaps improve in those aspects more, because I always strive to improve, even if at the end of the day I don't feel particularly proud of myself or my accomplishments in an emotional sense. I mean yes, if someone sees my drawing and gives me nothing but rude remarks about how ugly it is, I will feel like it's unfair and unfounded, but even that is more from a logical perspective.

Nothing really feels like anything.

I don't know why, but often when something I do online gets a lot of traction or a lot of likes, I don't really feel any sort of way about it. Should I? I mean, if anything, attention just makes me feel kind of overwhelmed. And this often leads me to just… ignoring that attention until it blows over. However, I do also notice a pattern of valuing my posts through the attention, not in an emotional sense but as in, big number good, small number bad, as if it's a game. When this happens I recognize I need a break, and so I close the app for an indeterminate amount of time.

I always wonder what it's like to feel accomplished or emotionally fulfilled or perhaps even proud of yourself. Lacking in this is probably some kind of hell in itself, but it's all I've ever known. I may throw around some phrases like "I feel proud of myself today because of x", but in reality, under the mask, I don't really know. If you compliment my looks, I can lie and say it made my day, but I don't need you to say I look good when I already knew it beforehand. If you give me your opinion of me unprompted, give me something substantial.

I could go on a tangent about how this reflects the way I treat my friends, though this isn't really about that. Often the conversation around SzPD surrounds our relationships and especially the amount of friends we have. I think I'm pretty social for someone with SzPD, actually. But there's so much more to life than the amount of social interaction you have. And I would go as far as to say that I enjoy the periods of my self in exile. I think it's only good to take a break sometimes and focus on whatever else there is to life than other people. However, as social animals, we do need to return at some point. We need others to stay healthy.

I view everything as a cycle. Everything is kind of temporary. The good things, the bad things, everything in between; it comes and goes. The worst day of your life might as well be followed by the best, and you might not even notice it. Friendships don't last forever with me, and I've already accepted this a long time ago. I'm not trying to be nihilistic, rather, I'm trying to explain how neutral I stay to everything. I still like people despite everything, and always will. Other people are immensely interesting, from a logical standpoint. A lot of people say they can be themselves around me, and I take pride and purpose in this, at least as much as my brain allows me to. I'm an observer, a listener, and it may not be enough to sustain a long-term friendship, but I've made someone happy and comfortable, and sometimes that's enough.

I don't know if this makes much sense anymore, but… Sometimes a compliment makes someone's day, sometimes some gentle criticism helps someone out, and sometimes all they need is to sit down and have someone listen in an unopinionated way.

So go ahead.

[takeyourdailydoseofcyanide]

The Depiction of Static as a Metaphor for Madness (Franken Stein)

I both adore and appreciate the way in which Stein’s persistent struggling was depicted in the anime as an old radio playing nothing but static, and not only because it’s just so damn accurate to the actual experience.

To begin, the detail of the radio being so very clearly old represents his struggles not being new, having been something he’s been desperately attempting to repress, control, and manage for years upon years. The static, a sound typically considered fuzzy, annoying, and difficult to discern, perfectly represents the product of the never-ending war between both sides of oneself - the “mad” side that desperately wants to give in, for just giving up would be almost pleasurable, peaceful, and the side that desperately fights to hold onto any semblance of reason. It is a persistent and incessant, even downright incoherent fight - constant bickering that leads you to feel as though your head is stuffed full and ready to explode, leaving it to feel fuzzy and scrambled, making it difficult to even live. It is physically painful, and feels like static in your mind. For static is the same repeated sound over and over again, and as I said, indiscernible and incoherent, annoying - like the ruthless buzzing of a fly in your ear. It leaves you feeling like you’ll vomit up each and every one of your internal organs, it is complete and total misery.

The fact that he is covering his ears, trying to ignore and repress the static, is so fucking accurate and important. Just to live and continue to work day to day, one who experiences this (speaking particularly about psychosis and generally schizophrenia and my own personal experience here) must force it all down, ignore it the best you can until you make it home again, and find yourself alone. You aren’t allowed to suffer because then your work would suffer, you’d lose whatever life you had, you’d lose everything. Even if you are straight up catatonic, it seems as though you will always be bothered and interrupted by the outside world. Not to mention, confronting the war head on is not only terrifying and daunting but also almost impossible, at least so it seems. It’s like you have to choose a side. And when your head is all full up with the screaming match, you are left just wanting to cover your ears and hoping that it’ll all go away - you beg and plead for silence. A silence you may never get.

The fact that Marie managed to shut the noise up by telling Stein to accept himself as he is, to simply allow the fight to happen, to recognize that the war may never end but that they’d always be there for him as he fought it presents a much more hopeful image than I am, at least, used to seeing (again, speaking about psychosis and schizospec shit).

I could really go on about this, especially the noise and how nice of an idea it is to simply let go and be free, but I’ll save that all and go into further detail later.

[rachymarie]

normalize rambling

normalize the messy thinkers + talkers

for one thing let's get our collective attention spans back

for another, let's be more inclusive of + compassionate towards folks whose disabilities cause "rambling" and disorganized speech/thought

[werethropy]

This is all over the place, I'm sorry. Not my usual type of posting at all. Grammar may not be correct. Need to get my feelings out.

I feel so pent up nowadays. An animal was not meant to be assaulted with bright, artificial lights while obnoxious humans talk and yell and physically brush against it while walking past.

I can never live out the life I desire. I want to be free from here; live in the woods. I wish the humans could see my true form.

I stare at the full moon a lot, and sometimes I even transform a little bit — when I swipe my tongue over my canines, I can feel how they got sharper; I feel my senses highten; at times, I can feel vague feelings of fur, a tail, ears; I want to howl my lungs out; I feel so much more animalistic mentally... But something always stops me from fully getting the chance to change into my truest sense of self.

I wonder if the humans have something to do with this? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they're keeping me like this by the food I eat?

I don't know. But I know this is not where I belong. Not my body, not my family, and not my life. I can only keep hoping that, one night, I will be able to completely transform.

I'm so sick of everything, pretending to be human, pretending to not be autistic, pretending to be neurotypical in general, 'luring myself in' to not seem 'annoying' — so many aspects of myself that I have to hide. Core parts of me. For weeks on end.

[bizlybebo]

hey. you. person who declares themself an advocate for mental health. explain to me why you still think hallucinations, “schizoposting”, and extreme paranoia are funny things to make the butt of your joke in 2024. explain to me what is so comical about saying “looks like somebody forgot to take their meds” when somebody expresses odd behavior, right after you reblogged that pastel pretty infographic about depression. answer quick or the saw trap goes off

[psychotic-tbh]

A world where not needing to earn respect exists would probably be much kinder I think. :0

Like, why do we have to earn respect? Can’t we just default to being kind without knowing people?

And supporting our fellow individuals without personally knowing them can be a gift on its own

I wish more folks saw it this way :(

[toesuckler]

just a quick reminder you arent a bad person for not feeling disgust. you arent a bad person for liking horror, you arent a bad person for watching gore, you arent a bad person because you can watch bad things.

Watching something isn't the equivalent to replicating it, and it is possible to watch things while keeping a healthy distance morally and physically from the actions being performed.

Being a Bad person is a collection of traits making you unsafe or of dangerous morals, NOT something you're born with or without like a natural sense of disgust. Being born without disgust can be a symptom of many conditions all of which do NOT make you less of or a worse person.

[lifenconcepts]

constantly teetering on “am I constantly changing interests and/or identities because I don’t have a concrete one, am many in one, am affected by something, or am just evolving 24/7?” And it’s not clear at all at this point.

[cannibal-nightmares]

me: I should press on in sharing my experience with schizophrenia for the sake of those who can't and for those who can benefit in feeling inspired to seek their own help as they see their reflection in my posts. If it weren't for those who came before me sharing their stories, I would not be where I am now in my recovery, support systems, and my resources.

paranoid noise: No, you should keep your mouth shut. You're not benefiting anyone in the way you think you are, that's just your bargaining to ask for attention. Even though you were professionally diagnosed, who's to say it wasn't wrong? Who are you to talk about schizophrenia?

me: ...Are you a fucking fascist?