#the rambling schizospec

[rachymarie]

On the last day of Anxiety Depression grp yesterday i unexpectedly came out as schizospec and idk my brain may be making something out of nothing, but i kinda felt like i could detect a general response from the coordinators of like "you shouldn't have done that"/"you didnt have to say that" while iirc (idk memory capacity has been screwy in this heat lately) the two other women in group didn't comment, were perhaps in shock lol. But like fuck it I'm tired of hiding myself.

If you can't even come out in a room of a handful of women with (the most commonly talked about + accepted, mind you) mental health conditions you have spent 12 sessions with idk where you can lol

I have mentioned many schizospec symptoms i struggle with throughout the course of the ...course (lol) so surely it wasn't really that much of a blindside.

Not my fault there are no groups for educating people on schizospec (only ones for voices hearing and hallucinations!!). Depressed people don't have to attend months-long educational groups for illnesses they don't have so I think they can handle simply the occasional mention of a "scary" illness in their midst lol.

But yeah there's also something to say about making a mental health group where you're not barred from mentioning diagnoses, bc for one thing it feels like they are denying the existence of very real symptoms you struggle with and are as yet pharmaceutically unmedicable, and also trying to sweep the "ugly" word under the rug instead of teaching society to be more openminded and accepting of it. Feels reminiscent of making up words for disability to make abled folks feel comfortable/at ease, like "handicapable" "differently abled". Stop all that mental gymnastics trying to water down language that makes you uncomfortable, but our communities have accepted for ourself. It may be scary but it really is ok to just sit and fathom the gravity of the situation. We have our limitations and we have accepted that while still trying to do our best and in the meantime rest. (Sorry had to fit a rhyme in)

But alas/all my whinging aside, overall I'm glad to have been along for the ride and everyone involved was nice enough even tho i probably tested their patience sometimes with my ramblings, crazy days, and other "quirks". I try not to be the most insufferable git on the planet but sometimes that's inescapable I'm afraid 😅. I just can't seem to help being so.... Me. My ability to mask all my neurodivergencies has big slipped by this point I still wish i could access proper therapy but that is like pulling teeth around here I'm afraid.

Idk if anyone would have managed to get thru this long spiel but that's some rambles for now and onto meds breakfast before it gets much later (waiting for the nausea to pass - i think i may have eaten some next day bad blinis)

[werethropy]

"mental health" advocates when they see someone with Z-OCD or P-OCD (suddenly they don't care about mental health anymore and just want to jump to conclusions to hurt the people they swore to help)

This also goes for psychotic people who have "scary"/"disturbing" reactions to certain things (screaming, rocking back and forth while holding their head, mumbling about seemingly "crazy" or "inane" things, defecating themselves, scratching their skin, lashing out, wetting themselves, etc.)

Everyone wants to be on the right side of history until they realize mental health advocacy includes everyone and not just the 'prettier' disorders that they oh-so-love to cherrypick and romanticize.

Everyone loves the idea of disorders being less stigmatized than they are today, but will, in the same vein, clutch their pearls when they hear a person with POCD sob about how they feel like a disgusting human being about having uncontrollable, EGO-DYSTONIC, INTRUSIVE thoughts/images about children. They will call a morally incorrect person psychotic, they will say things very reminiscent of "I'm scared that the EVIL PSYCHOTICS are able to roam freely 😰😰😰😰" with a helluva lot of padding, they will make "schizo" jokes whose whole purpose was to trigger psychotic people because it's funny.

It's disgusting how your beliefs stop at the people who's disorders don't fit into your perfect little box of what's acceptable for a fucking illness or not, as if they have any damn control over it.

[antlerkitty]

Guide to coping with paranoia/intense fears as a schizospec person

Disclaimer: This is made for people with similar experiences to me. I have recurring brief reactive psychosis (diagnosed I think) and in daily life am along the lines of schizotypal, though that label isn't fully accurate. This may not help if you have more chronic, daily psychosis, or more severe psychotic symptoms than me.

Paranoia of things "beyond this world" (probably biggest category since have lots and lots of experience with this):

Most widely applicable/recommended/healthy:

Humming/singing cheerful tunes or songs. Learned this from Totoro actually! And it really can help with keeping a bit of your brain in reality.

Decorating your space in color and fun and whimsy can make it seem more inviting of positive energy.

Having comfort objects and keeping things the same can help a lot. Alternately, changing things up a bit every once in a while can help with being less paranoid if something gets lost or moved a bit if someone else lives with you or visits you.

Playlist of upbeat, non-creepy songs for when the paranoia and distortions are bugging you a lot (currently using this strategy actually). Funny videos can help too!

Getting up and moving. Engaging with familiar people in person. Dancing, getting outside, etc., or doing whatever moving works for you in your situation!

Stimming.

Bringing pets/people with you when you go to struggle areas. I always bring my cats around the house with me when I am going to places that worsen paranoia and distortions.

Do DBT calming skills if that usually helps you.

Less recommended/works for specific people only/may worsen issues:

Basic witchcraft like protection and cleansing spells.

Keeping creepy-but-endearing things around. I personally find comfort in disturbing and creepy things, I feel like the bridge the gap between my reality and the real world. But I make sure I find them friendly and non-threatening.

Paranoia of others:

Stay in areas with people that you find non-threatening or don't have paranoid fears about. I always make sure I'm near larger groups of people, especially with kids. (May not work for others, may worsen fears)

Carry comfort objects with you.

For relationship-related paranoia (in healthy relationships), try doing something positive and non-threatening with the person/people you're in a relationship very regularly. Ideally every day, even multiple times a day. Regularly talk positively to the other person/people about them, and ask them to do the same for you.

If you find yourself yourself paranoia spiraling, take a break from interactions. Find a trusted person if you have one. Try to not make any impulsive decisions, and alert trusted people if possible.

[schizodiaries]

This should go without saying but sometimes even I need a reminder.

Psychosis is different for everyone. The way people experience it, the way they feel about it, the effect it has on them, it all varies from person to person. For some people their psychosis was the lowest point in their lives. For others it wasn’t a huge deal, and maybe they even feel positively towards it. For some people their psychosis causes them to behave erratically. Others might hardly exhibit any behaviors at all. Some people lose all sense of self during psychosis, while others will say they found themselves because of it. Some people feel ashamed of their psychosis, others are proud of what they went through. And for most of us, it’s not always one or the other, but a little mix of everything in between.

There’s not one correct way to experience psychosis and there isn’t a right way to feel about it either. Regardless of what you went through or how you feel, you deserve to speak about it.

[rotting-brains]

weirdos stick together cuz if we talked with a normal person about delusions or psychosis they'd treat us like monsters

[b1eeding-sun-rambles]

I think that Nagito Komaeda from Danganronpa 2 has STPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder)

I'm currently rewatching a playthrough of the game to refresh my memory so if I don't include big thing that refutes or corroborates my head canon that's probably why. Also this list is based on both the diagnostic criteria as well as my own personal experiences I know that a lot of his behavior in game can be explained by his frontal Temporal dementia but I just want to reframe his behavior though the lense of STPD as this is a comfort head canon of mine.

Some background information before I go into my list of reasons: schozotypal personality disorder or STPD is a cluster A personality disorder. Cluster A is known as the odd and eccentric cluster and also includes PPD (paranoid personality disorder) and SPD (schizoid personality disorder). As of the most recent DSM the DSM-5 STPD is considered to be part of the schizophrenia spectrum. I also want to make it abundantly clear that I don't think that people who deal with psychosis are all inherently bad people or that everyone with STPD would act in the same way that Nagito does. People with STPD are not a monolith one person's experience is going to be different than someone else's. Also this is just a head canon I'm not trying to claim that the creators made Nagito with the intention of making a character that exhibits symptoms of STPD.

Okay, moving on to comparing symptoms that I believe he exhibits.

1. "Patients with schizotypal personality disorder do not have close friends or confidants, except for 1st-degree relatives. They are very uncomfortable relating to people. They interact with people if they have to but prefer not to because they feel like they are different and do not belong. However, they may say their lack of relationships makes them unhappy. They are very anxious in social situations, especially unfamiliar ones. Spending more time in a situation does not ease their anxiety."

I think this pretty easily relates to Nagito. He doesn't make close friends with anyone on the island (though to be fair they weren't in the best environment for that) and he seemingly has never had any friends even before the game. He has a very difficult time connecting with his classmates in large part due to his insistence on putting them up on pedestals and also just overall off-putting behavior. He doesn't show any anxiety about the situation that they've been put in at the beginning of the game however. In contrast to Hajime's paranoia, Nagito feels relatively laid-back.

2. These patients often incorrectly interpret ordinary occurrences as having special meaning for them (ideas of reference). They may be superstitious or think they have special paranormal powers that enable them to sense events before they happen or to read other people's minds. They may think that they have magical control over others, thinking that they cause other people to do ordinary things (eg, feeding the dog), or that performing magical rituals can prevent harm (eg, washing their hands 3 times can prevent illness).

Okay so this is purely me self projecting and there's not much, if any, evedence in game for Nagito possession magical thinking (and I'm going to atribute that to the fact that we aren't privy to his thought process) but hear me out. His luck cycle is the result of his magical thinking. Firstly, it's entirely possible that he saw a pattern in the good and bad things that were happening to him and attributed it to a fictitious cycle of good luck and bad luck. Now, I hear you saying "what about chapter 5?" and to that I say, I don't know. This is Danganronpa, and I'm seriously overanalyzeing a character who was never meant to be thought this seriously about. I'm going to say that his luck is almost certainly real but the cycle of good luck and bad luck might not be. I mean we see his good luck almost constantly affecting him but we essentially never see his bad luck. In Danganronpa 2.5 we see a world essentially catered to Nagito's internal thought process and there his bad luck is affecting him significantly more than it ever did in the game itself. Also him orchestrating multiple murders in order to see hope shine could be seen as him thinking that his actions can controll or affect things out of his control. Again I think this is my most flimsy argument.

3. Speech may be odd. It may be excessively abstract or concrete or contain odd phrases or use phrases or words in odd ways. Patients with schizotypal personality disorder often dress oddly or in an unkempt way (eg, wearing ill-fitting or dirty clothes) and have odd mannerisms. They may ignore ordinary social conventions (eg, not make eye contact), and because they do not understand usual social cues, they may interact with others inappropriately or stiffly.

So most people with STPD are charicterised as either having a flat affect or an inappropriate affect. I think that an inappropriate affect describes a lot of Nagito's interactions exceptionally well. I feel like I don't need to give examples of this because it's pretty much the entire game lol. As far as dressing oddly, I feel like every Danganronpa character can be described as dressing oddly and Nagito actually dresses pretty normally in comparison. Again I don't really feel like I need examples of Nagito's odd behavior. He's frequently head cannoned as autistic for a reason.

Okay on to the actual diagnostic criteria:

To be diagnosed you have to exhibit:

1. A persistent pattern of intense discomfort with and decreased capacity for close relationships

2. Cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior

I already explained why I think he exhibits both of these but he also has to exhibit five or more of the following for a diagnosis:

1. Ideas of reference (notions that everyday occurrences have special meaning or significance personally intended for or directed to themselves) but not delusions of reference (which are similar but held with greater conviction)

2. Odd beliefs or magical thinking (eg, believing in clairvoyance, telepathy, or a sixth sense; being preoccupied with paranormal phenomena)

3. Unusual perceptional experiences (eg, hearing a voice whispering their name)

4. Odd thought and speech (eg, that is vague, metaphorical, excessively elaborate, or stereotyped)

5. Suspicions or paranoid thoughts

6. Incongruous or limited affect

7. Odd, eccentric, or peculiar behavior and/or appearance

8.Lack of close friends or confidants, except for 1st-degree relatives

9. Excessive social anxiety that does not lessen with familiarity and is related mainly to paranoid fears

Nagito definitely exhibits numbers 4, 6, 7, and 8. It's hard to say for some of the others because he isn't the pov character but I would argue he likely also experience 1, and 2 with 3, 5 and 9 being less likely. due to his behaviors (but he could easily be masking paranoia) or the fact that there is zero evidence to suggest he is experiencing these things.

This whole thing is by no means me attempting to tell you that you need to adopt the idea that Nagito has STPD but I've been wanting to talk about this for like four years because it's a head canon that means a lot to me. I also want to bring more awareness to non cluster B personality disorders like STPD :)

[toesuckler]

just a quick reminder you arent a bad person for not feeling disgust. you arent a bad person for liking horror, you arent a bad person for watching gore, you arent a bad person because you can watch bad things.

Watching something isn't the equivalent to replicating it, and it is possible to watch things while keeping a healthy distance morally and physically from the actions being performed.

Being a Bad person is a collection of traits making you unsafe or of dangerous morals, NOT something you're born with or without like a natural sense of disgust. Being born without disgust can be a symptom of many conditions all of which do NOT make you less of or a worse person.

[lifenconcepts]

What an agony it is to be perceived by my mortal shell, appearance, and physical actions when I’m so much more. My psyche is the only real self I know and it’s truly a pain when people can’t even see that well enough. 

[aftonsparv-bugzz]

pov: we lock eyes and as we stare at eachother i blurt out the word "schizophrenia". nothing else, nothing more or nothing less, i simply just say the word "schizophrenia" as we stare deeply into one another's eyes

[necromeat]

A schizoid POV

Feeling nothing towards compliments or criticism is kind of crazy. I know these are positive and negative things, and that people often strive to get more compliments than criticism, and I know people often get happy of the former and upset by the latter, though I know both are essential in healthy human interactions. But I really, really don't give a damn what someone thinks of me or if they try to make me happy or upset. I guess it's just the schizoid way.

Like, I genuinely don't understand why someone would go out of their way to seek compliments, or how, at the end of the day, some criticism should make you upset. I mean, sure, if I put a lot of effort into something, let's say a drawing, and someone says it looks nice, I can say it makes me happy to hear, but more in a logical sense than in an emotional one. And it's even better if they tell me what specifically they like about the drawing, not because I would feel complimented and emotional, but because I like to analyze. And honestly, they could even tell me what they don't like, and then I can perhaps improve in those aspects more, because I always strive to improve, even if at the end of the day I don't feel particularly proud of myself or my accomplishments in an emotional sense. I mean yes, if someone sees my drawing and gives me nothing but rude remarks about how ugly it is, I will feel like it's unfair and unfounded, but even that is more from a logical perspective.

Nothing really feels like anything.

I don't know why, but often when something I do online gets a lot of traction or a lot of likes, I don't really feel any sort of way about it. Should I? I mean, if anything, attention just makes me feel kind of overwhelmed. And this often leads me to just… ignoring that attention until it blows over. However, I do also notice a pattern of valuing my posts through the attention, not in an emotional sense but as in, big number good, small number bad, as if it's a game. When this happens I recognize I need a break, and so I close the app for an indeterminate amount of time.

I always wonder what it's like to feel accomplished or emotionally fulfilled or perhaps even proud of yourself. Lacking in this is probably some kind of hell in itself, but it's all I've ever known. I may throw around some phrases like "I feel proud of myself today because of x", but in reality, under the mask, I don't really know. If you compliment my looks, I can lie and say it made my day, but I don't need you to say I look good when I already knew it beforehand. If you give me your opinion of me unprompted, give me something substantial.

I could go on a tangent about how this reflects the way I treat my friends, though this isn't really about that. Often the conversation around SzPD surrounds our relationships and especially the amount of friends we have. I think I'm pretty social for someone with SzPD, actually. But there's so much more to life than the amount of social interaction you have. And I would go as far as to say that I enjoy the periods of my self in exile. I think it's only good to take a break sometimes and focus on whatever else there is to life than other people. However, as social animals, we do need to return at some point. We need others to stay healthy.

I view everything as a cycle. Everything is kind of temporary. The good things, the bad things, everything in between; it comes and goes. The worst day of your life might as well be followed by the best, and you might not even notice it. Friendships don't last forever with me, and I've already accepted this a long time ago. I'm not trying to be nihilistic, rather, I'm trying to explain how neutral I stay to everything. I still like people despite everything, and always will. Other people are immensely interesting, from a logical standpoint. A lot of people say they can be themselves around me, and I take pride and purpose in this, at least as much as my brain allows me to. I'm an observer, a listener, and it may not be enough to sustain a long-term friendship, but I've made someone happy and comfortable, and sometimes that's enough.

I don't know if this makes much sense anymore, but… Sometimes a compliment makes someone's day, sometimes some gentle criticism helps someone out, and sometimes all they need is to sit down and have someone listen in an unopinionated way.

So go ahead.

[rachymarie]

normalize rambling

normalize the messy thinkers + talkers

for one thing let's get our collective attention spans back

for another, let's be more inclusive of + compassionate towards folks whose disabilities cause "rambling" and disorganized speech/thought

[werethropy]

This is all over the place, I'm sorry. Not my usual type of posting at all. Grammar may not be correct. Need to get my feelings out.

I feel so pent up nowadays. An animal was not meant to be assaulted with bright, artificial lights while obnoxious humans talk and yell and physically brush against it while walking past.

I can never live out the life I desire. I want to be free from here; live in the woods. I wish the humans could see my true form.

I stare at the full moon a lot, and sometimes I even transform a little bit — when I swipe my tongue over my canines, I can feel how they got sharper; I feel my senses highten; at times, I can feel vague feelings of fur, a tail, ears; I want to howl my lungs out; I feel so much more animalistic mentally... But something always stops me from fully getting the chance to change into my truest sense of self.

I wonder if the humans have something to do with this? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they're keeping me like this by the food I eat?

I don't know. But I know this is not where I belong. Not my body, not my family, and not my life. I can only keep hoping that, one night, I will be able to completely transform.

I'm so sick of everything, pretending to be human, pretending to not be autistic, pretending to be neurotypical in general, 'luring myself in' to not seem 'annoying' — so many aspects of myself that I have to hide. Core parts of me. For weeks on end.

[lycantherian]

I wish people weren't so quick to interpret everything in bad faith. Today, I saw a comment claiming someone was "promoting delusional therian behaviors." When I asked for further clarification, the commenter explained that the person in question experienced a phantom tail, which they deemed delusional. I replied that somatic shifting, or phantom limbs, is not always a sign of mental illness or delusions. While they can be delusions, this is not always the case. As a result, several users insulted and accused me of encouraging delusions. Somatic shifting is a common experience among therians, and not everyone who experiences shifts is delusional. Also, it feels as though they equated being delusional with being wrong. Therians who experience delusions are not inherently evil or in need of fixing. Delusional therians have the right to exist, whether their therianthropy stems from their delusions or is an entirely separate aspect of their identity. No one has the right to deny their existence.

[bizlybebo]

hey. you. person who declares themself an advocate for mental health. explain to me why you still think hallucinations, “schizoposting”, and extreme paranoia are funny things to make the butt of your joke in 2024. explain to me what is so comical about saying “looks like somebody forgot to take their meds” when somebody expresses odd behavior, right after you reblogged that pastel pretty infographic about depression. answer quick or the saw trap goes off

[psychotic-tbh]

A world where not needing to earn respect exists would probably be much kinder I think. :0

Like, why do we have to earn respect? Can’t we just default to being kind without knowing people?

And supporting our fellow individuals without personally knowing them can be a gift on its own

I wish more folks saw it this way :(

[toesuckler]

i wish people irl knew how far ive come in my schizotypal. i wish. they just dont get it at all. when i was younger i never spoke, and when i did it was barely coherent, i mumbled and i didnt use the right words and it never made sense, i wasnt capable of taking care of an animal, i was irritable and believed everyone was out to get me and that they were all liars, i couldnt brush my hair or take care of myself or ANYTHING. ive come SO FAR and its been SO MUCH EFFORT and they still think im just 'sort of weird' and 'unnerving'. they dont get it. they dont see how good im doing, they dont even know what my disorder means or just how many people with it end up homeless or in jail. they dont understand that ill never be like them, but that im trying so fucking hard!! i am!!! i want them to see me. and believe me for once...