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greenwitchfromthewoods · 6 months ago

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inhale, exhale l Javi Gutierrez

Summary: he will help you deal with something unpleasant

Warnings: panic attacks, describing symptoms, just fluff

A/N: please, read this. this little story is about something i have experienced and sometimes still experience. anxiety and panic attacks are horrible and make us feel out of control. if you are struggling with this don't be afraid to ask for help and seek information. i hope these scribbles will be something comforting for you. feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

When he saw you like this for the first time, he was just as scared as you were.

He found you in a small room near the banquet hall. You were sitting on the floor, gasping for breath, your whole body shaking. He had no idea what it was or how to help you. For a few hours, the marks of your nails were still visible on his hands, but he didn't care. He only thought about you and the fear in your eyes.

The next day, you finally admitted to him the panic attacks you had been having for some time. And when you apologized to him for witnessing it... His heart almost broke.

You were his assistant, his friend, his soulmate. Despite everything, you didn't feel safe enough to tell him what you were dealing with.

"It's not that easy, Javi." You sighed that evening as you talked on the shaded terrace. "Sometimes they're just anxiety attacks. But sometimes..."

"It can be worse?" he asked and you nodded.

"Yesterday it was 'worse'. Worse than before. I usually manage somehow, you know." you tried to smile, but Javi didn't fall for it.

"Is it because of me?" this question couldn't get out of his head and finally he had to ask it. "I know I can be...intense sometimes, but..."

"No! Please don't even think like that." you grabbed his hand. "You're the nicest person I have around. And your presence yesterday really helped me. I'm just sorry I scared you."

"It'll be okay, you'll see." he said, hugging you tightly. He knew then that he would do anything for you.

A few days later he showed up in your office carrying some papers in his hands and waving them around in delight.

"I spent dozens of hours looking for this on the internet." he said and you felt slightly worried.

"Last time you did this you wanted to buy alpacas and keep them in your garden. Javi, I'm not raising alpacas with you." You laughed nervously.

"We'll deal with that another time." He waved his hand ignoring your remark. "I read a dozen articles, listened to a few hours of podcasts, and then I talked to my doctor to find out more about what you were telling me."

"You mean..."

"Yes!" Javi was clearly excited, you would think it was cute but you didn't know if you could think that considering what he was talking about. "Listen, Y/N. I want to help you. I can't take this fear away from you, even though I would like to, but I can try to help you when you need me. I've read about different ways, about breathing, about distracting and focusing on other things, about relaxation methods."

The words poured out of his mouth like a river and you stared at him completely dumbfounded. This guy had already won your heart, but at that moment you started to wonder how on earth he was real.

You slowly stood up from behind the desk and approached him, not really listening to what he was saying. After years of experiencing anxiety you already had some knowledge about it, but Javi was so involved, so absorbed in it all.

"Javi?" He completely ignored you, because he was talking about some podcast he listened to a little after midnight, you had to grab his wrist and shake him a little, "Javi! Listen to me!"

His wonderful soft brown eyes stopped on you. You were sure you saw a glint of excitement in them.

"I don't know what to say." you finally choked out "No one has ever done something like that for me. You didn't have to. You're my boss, you didn't have to..."

"But I wanted to, sweetie. When I think that my favorite girl is alone with something like that..."

Your hands grabbed his face, his stubble was pleasantly soft, and in this way you managed to direct his gaze to you.

"Thank you, Javi." you said, feeling your throat tighten with emotion "You are the most wonderful guy in the world. I love you."

And then you kissed him. It was just a simple kiss, a peck, but it expressed all the gratitude for what he had done and what he wanted to do for you.

Javi was surprised, but somehow he managed to hide the fact that his knees trembled for a moment. His arms closed around you and you snuggled into him, thanking him for something he had done completely selflessly.

You weren't ready, but was there a chance you could ever be prepared for something like this? Your fingers gripped the porcelain sink as you stood in your bathroom in your underwear, fighting for your breath. Your heart was pounding in your chest like a wild animal ready to spring at any moment.

Only that fucking sink and your fingers clinging to it kept your trembling body from sinking to the floor.

Your senses felt everything a thousand times stronger. The cold tiles beneath your feet, the warm steam from your shower rising in the air, the loud ticking of the clock on the counter. In half an hour you were supposed to be out and greet the guests, and you were a complete mess.

Everything had been going so well for the past few weeks. You were doing great, and Javi had been a real support system for you. But now you were alone, tears welling up in your eyes.

A sudden knock on the door made you jump.

"Y/N! I need help with my tie. I don't know which one to choose." Javi's voice came from behind the closed door.

You took three quick breaths.

"I left everything on the couch for you!" you shouted back, trying not to let your voice crack. "Just put it on!"

"It's not that easy, love." you closed your eyes. "I think I spilled coffee on it all."

"Javi..." you groaned. "I need a few minutes."

"And I need you and your amazing sense of taste."

Tears rolled down your cheeks completely uncontrollably. You took one hand off the sink to hold back a sob, but you probably didn't succeed, because you heard Javi's voice again.

"Y/N? Sweetie, are you okay?"

"Y-Yes..." fuck, you sounded desperate.

"I'm going inside!"

You saw in the mirror how your eyes widened in horror. Javi had seen enough action movies that you were afraid he would kick the door down, but luckily you heard the squeak of the lock turning. He stood in the doorway in an unbuttoned shirt, socks and boxers, and you felt relief just seeing him.

"Oh, sweetie..." he groaned, quickly approaching you, he grabbed your arms tightly, "Okay, we practiced this, right?" you nodded, "Look at me, only at me. Inhale... Exhale... In... Out... Deeply."

Your breathing didn't slow down at all, you started breathing even faster. His fingers tightened on your shoulders, but Javi didn't start to panic. In stressful moments he could be very focused sometimes, and now it was about you.

"Sweetie, look at me the whole time, okay? You're doing great, this will pass soon." his voice was soothing, he was really doing his best to distract you "Hey, how about we go diving tomorrow? Not far, I know you don't like open water. We'll have a day for ourselves. Would you like that?"

You nodded and he smiled. He had your full attention.

"In… Out… In… Out… And you know, you look great in that underwear? Maybe I shouldn't say that..." he was worried, but he noticed you trying to smile, your breathing starting to calm down "You're so brave, honey. We'll have a great day tomorrow, we just need to survive this evening, right? You have to help me with this tie, but I don't know why, because you'll be the most stunning at this party anyway."

"Jesus, Javi..." you sighed, embarrassed by his words "Don't flatter me in this situation."

"Sorry! Let's talk about alpacas then."

After a few minutes, your body finally gave in. You were still trying to breathe deeply, but you had already managed to drink a few sips of water, and your hands had stopped shaking. You felt completely exhausted, but safe.

Javi was still standing next to you, completely forgetting that he should be getting dressed and greeting the guests. He didn't want to leave you like this, and you knew that you wouldn't find a way to repay him for his kindness.

"I think I'm feeling better already." You said quietly.

"Are you sure?" Javi looked at you still worried.

"Yeah, I definitely am. I should get myself sorted out, the guests..."

"You shouldn't rush. Maybe just go to bed." His hand brushed away a few strands of hair that had fallen over your face, his eyes full of concern.

"But I want to go with you." You smiled weakly. "You supported me, and I want to do the same for you." you smoothed his shirt with your hand, letting your eyes wander over his sun-kissed chest. "Maybe don't wear a tie? You look much sexier that way."

"Do you like me in the sexy version?" Javi grinned, and you lightly slapped him on the shoulder.

"I like you in any version, Gutierrez." you sighed. "Just go and... Thank you, Javi. Thank you for being here."

"I always will, little one." he replied, kissing your temple and heading for the door. "Just don't stare at my ass!"

"I'll try to stop myself, but it'll be very difficult!" you laughed. "Javi?"

He stopped in the doorway and turned to you. A pleasant warmth spread through your body every time you looked at his handsome face.

"I love you, you know?"

"I love you more." He winked at you, and as you turned to the mirror to fix your makeup, his eyes longingly swept over your figure.

You were his everything, and he already knew that the next day he would tell you all about it.

☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

#javi gutierrez #pedro pascal #javi gutierrez x reader #javi gutierrez x female reader #the unbearable weight of massive talent #tw panic attack

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crisiscutie · 3 months ago

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The reunion at hand may bring us joy. Pt 1

Pairing: "Fluffy" Sephiroth/Pregnant Darling

A wee distant prequel in the alternate Domestic AU, back when Darling was still on the run from Yandere Sephiroth with the boys.

You gently touched your slightly swollen belly, shaking your head as you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror. There was no denying it now - you were pregnant with your fourth child. This revelation shouldn't have come as a surprise. Something had to result out of those nightly sessions you had with Sephiroth months ago.

Yet with the familiar symptoms and signs, you had acted like nothing was different since you and the boys went on the run. Now that your baby bump had begun to form, ignoring your greatest worry was no longer an option. You covered your eyes and let out a soft sob as you anxiously deliberated your next steps.

You could should be able to handle this one. After all, ten years ago, you had been pregnant with triplets. One more child in the picture was no problem.

But you couldn't even bring yourself to explain to your precious boys why you all had to leave that fateful day. The horrifying atrocities and the monster their father had become were things they shouldn't and couldn't comprehend. So how the hell could you explain to them that you're pregnant while being on a special mother-sons expedition, celebrating your degradation mysteriously curing itself? The boys were already concerned when you had bouts of morning sickness, but you diverted their attention by promising to take them to the Gold Saucer, since they had begged to visit it during the journey in Corel.

They're smart like Sephiroth, though. You won't be able to hide this from them for long. Maybe you could tell them at the amusement park during a quiet moment? You pulled your wool sweater down and slipped your black jacket on for even more cover. It's bad enough being an ex-SOLDIER on the run with three kids. No need to make it obvious that you're a pregnant ex-SOLDIER on the run with three kids.

When you were about to leave the restroom, you heard a groan of distress from behind. You turned around and came face to face with a woman dressed in tattered black robes. She looked to be on the edge of death. Her lifeless, baggy eyes, sickly complexion, and brittle hair nearly sent you into a panic. She looked like you when your degradation was at its worst. She stumbled towards you, losing her balance. You immediately reached out and caught her, allowing her to rest her head on your shoulder.

"Miss... are you okay?" you whispered. You couldn't resist the instinctive desire to hold her tightly, as if she were a precious jewel for safekeeping. Perhaps it was your natural empathy and decency for a fellow human. Or it's just your pathetic projection.

You tried to support her upright, but in a swift second, the woman summoned all her strength to push you against the bathroom wall, her small form transforming into the towering visage of your dear husband, Sephiroth.

In slow, robotic movement, he lifted his head from your shoulder. You could feel his soft, silver tresses sliding over the fabric of your jacket as his gaze met yours. His slit pupils were devoid of the soft, almost-catlike gaze he usually wore. Instead, there was only the stare of a snake watching its prey.

He cupped your chin. "You dare to run away? With my children? After all I've done for you. For them," he hissed. You couldn't respond. Were you already beginning to lose your mind? How did he know your location? How is here? As he caught the flicker of fear and shock in your eyes, his slit pupils constricted. He then smirked and slid his gloved hand down your body, opening the jacket and lifting the wool sweater to expose your slightly swollen belly.

"I will reclaim what's mine," he declared, his gloved hand resting on your belly. These were his final words before the robbed woman retook her place. She groaned in your ear once again. A nurse burst into the room and quickly approached the two of you. She pulled the robbed woman away from you.

"Excuse her. She's not feeling well because of the mako poisoning!" the nurse hastily explained to you, shortly lecturing the robbed woman afterwards. You stifled a gasp at them before fast walking out of the restroom. Your gaze darted up and down the streets, clutching your bag close to you.

Fuck. Fuck. The boys. Where are they!? You all can't afford to stick around much longer. But you don't see them anywhere! They should've been here, waiting outside of the bathroom as you ordered. Your panic increased tenfold when you rushed down the dusty road, seeing the bodies of dead Shinra grunts scattered about. You forced your head to keep looking forward, not even noticing the black feathers on some bodies.

Time passed slowly until you found a platform with a gondola, hoping your boys were near since you quietly searched everywhere else. You then heard the familiar whisper of Kadaj calling out to you from behind.

"Mother, we're over here!" He said. They were hiding in small bins, with a white lid over their heads nearby an abandoned clinc.

"What happened?" You asked.

"We don't know... Those men were running after us, so we hid in these bins when they lost sight of us," Yazoo explained. The three came out, their hair and clothing a bit rustled, but no signs of physical injury. But their eyes said it all. They were shaken. Afraid. All supposedly under your watch. Poor Loz was crying silently, keeping his hand over his mouth to keep quiet. You ruffled his hair, giving him an apologetic gaze.

The three hugged boys hugged you tightly, afraid to let you go. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't left you three alone..." You said. Kadaj lifted his head, about to say something before the sight of your uncovered pregnant belly caught his attention. The other two followed after, their fearful gaze turning into utter confusion and curiosity.

Shit. Of course you didn't bother to fix yourself up after that bathroom encounter with Sephiroth. "Boys... I-"

"They can't be far! Split up and search the alleys!" a voice from a distance ranged out, with a tone you recognized to certainly belong to a grunt captain. With quick thinking, you ushered the boys into the nearby gondola and closed the door.

"We'll discuss this later. Just stay quiet for Mother please..." you uttered, maneuvering to the controls. Your sweet triplet boys nodded, immediately sitting down and observing you silently. Thank the planet that they knew when to get serious and follow directions. But alas, mayhap this be evidence of them growing up too fast. Any other child at their age would still be shaken, frantically asking questions, begging for assurance. Just how much more horrors did they witness in your absence?

You slapped the control panel in frustration, which seemed to make it work. The gondola creaked and drifted along the cable lines. You peeked out of the tinted window, seeing more Shinra troops scouting the streets. Thankfully, no one seemed focused on the gondola. You sighed in relief and wiped your forehead as you sat down, sitting opposite of the triplets.

They were still staring at you, their intense catlike pupils constricting as the silence persisted. It was too difficult for you to not think of Sephiroth at this moment. This peculiar aura was all too familiar. Each one was so so similar to him, in each and every way.

Your lips curved into a forced grin, as you leaned forward, talking in your light tone.

"You know, this itinerary of Corel told me about a very special attraction nearby." The boys broke out of their peculiar observant trance, their slit pupils now dilating in anticipation as they leaned forward themselves, meeting you with excitement.

"I-Is it the gold saucer?" Loz asked. You nodded.

"Mhmm!" I was thinking, 'Maybe we could go there sooner.' What do you boys think?" The boys collectively hollered in excitement, littering you in gratitude and requests to go to a specific attention first. You chuckled, sitting back and watching them argue with each other about who gets to where first. Good thing you got them focused on something else for now.

Though your amusement ended quickly when you spotted a black feather stuck in the window's crevice, reminding you of your duty...

Oh, why can't something be easy for once?

#sephiroth #ff7 sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #crisis cutie #ff7 #sephiroth x reader #yandere sephiroth #Sephiroth's christmas kids au #remnants of sephiroth #final fantasy x reader #female reader #reader insert #yandere x reader #x reader #reader x character #pregnant reader #tw: yandere #tw: pregnancy #tw: emotional abuse

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scariusaquarius · 5 months ago

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It's criminal I've never said it but I re-read those epileptic Reader/Leon headcanons you wrote regularly LMFAO they're a big comfort to me and I love how you characterize Leon <33 You're THE re4og Leon writer dare I say.

If headcanons are still open atm I was wondering if you're down to write some similar headcanons for Dean Winchester with an epileptic Reader? Tysm! (If you still write for him obviously, if not totally feel free to ignore this!)

Babe, i am ALWAYS writing for my boy, Dean Winchester heheh. I've just been a tad bit busy with writing my supernatural/transformers fic and irl that I haven't really been able to write much else!

Dean Winchester with an Epileptic Reader would include...

Let's remember that there are many different types of epilepsy and symptoms will display themselves differently. However, I will write about the general and most common type of epilepsy only this time. Let's get started<3

Tonic Clonic/Grand-mal seizures

Some people with epilepsy have been shown to have 'aura's before their seizures, which can be described as a feeling of euphoria or doom, deja vu, a loss of a sense (such as hearing or sight), or a gain of a sense (i.e. smelling food when there is none, hearing a ringing sound, etc).

Dean Winchester is somewhat of an aura for you: meaning, he knows when you're about to have a seizure before you do. I think it's been displayed throughout the series pretty well that Dean has a pretty wild sixth sense, and though we know Dean isn't psychic in any way, I think that he would learn your tells and pay attention to the signs of your seizures and warn you before you even realize what's happening.

Dean can be a bit of a worry-wart, but he's been a hunter for so long that he can react easily while under the pressure and adrenaline. So, if you have a seizure while Dean is around, you can be assured that he can take care of you.

He knows what to do when someone is having a seizure thanks to his years of medical knowledge due to his line of work, Sam, and research. So, rest-assured that Dean has your back when you don't.

Unless you are medicated and don't have as many seizures as you would while unmedicated, Dean is very reluctant to take you on hunts that are, in his terms, 'too dangerous'. Dean would probably only be comfortable with you being on simple hunts, like Salt 'N' Burns.

This doesn't mean that Dean thinks that you are weak, but he is trying to keep you safe in a way that he knows best, which means making you stay behind or only allowing you on simple, short hunts. The only time that Dean will call you onto a dangerous hunt is if he absolutely has no other option and needs backup.

Dean is very good at making sure that you take your medication and keeping track of how many you've taken for the day. He has an internal logbook in his head of when you've taken your meds and at what time.

If your seizures are extremely sudden, then I don't think Dean would be comfortable with you going on hunts at all. As much as it sucks, you are a liability and Dean doesn't want to take any risks.

When in the height of a seizure, Dean is very calm and will rub your arms, gently hold you close in a way that doesn't get in the way of the life-saving technique for seizures, and either talk or sing to you.

The first time that Dean encountered a seizure, he honestly thought you were being possessed :"") (that is, if you didn't tell him about your epilepsy at first). Sam was the one that knew what was happening and helped you through it while Dean worried his ass off beside you. (listen, i love him, but he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes.)

Dean isn't the greatest at time management unless it comes to hunts, but whenever he finds out about your epilepsy, he makes sure to write down when your doctors/neurology appointments are.

Dean will treat your epilepsy like it's a hunt in terms of research. He will spend hours researching about your diagnosis and how he can help you during a seizure.

do not expect him to not make seizure jokes because he will. He will stop if you say something to him about it, but he'll make a joke here and there. When you have to have an eeg though? He's cracking all of the terminator jokes.

I hope you enjoyed this! Thank you so much for the request, and I hope it was up to par with you

#dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #supernatural #spn #supernatural x reader #spn x reader

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amidstnamjin-and-binchanlix · 2 years ago

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how long can you stand the heat || ot7

Warnings: Uhhh, none I think? Non-graphical smut and slight angst, but that's pretty much it for now since I'm still crafting the next part, and some curse words lmao.

I won't control you, but MDNI. This is not for you, please.

Pairings: OT7/(F) Reader, Jackson Wang/(F) Reader

Plot: The one where your soulmates don't want you in their life, so you give them what they want and stay out of their way.

Genre: not really unrequited love (but they're all idiots), mutual pining, angst, denial of feelings, poly ot7

How do you think I'm going to get along

Without you when you're gone?

You took me for everything that I had

And kicked me out on my own.

Are you happy? Are you satisfied?

How long can you stand the heat?

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

To the sound of the beat.

mixtape: all i have left to give - part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - ending 1

I originally posted this on ao3 last April but I've just recently thought, "why not post this on tumblr now that i'm using it again after a few years?"

this fic is v self-serving, and was brought to you by my ✨maladaptive daydreams✨

first fic i posted here. idek what im doing but lezzgawwww

Title obviously came from AOBTD. Thank you, Sir John Deacon. You are heaven-sent for making this iconic and legendary bop.

This will be a part of a multi-fic series and i've already crafted 80/90-ish% of the next part im so sorry my mind isn't cooperating rn

✨️

God must be testing your patience.

I mean sure, you might not also be sure that there is indeed a god out there somewhere. However, you must have pissed off some deity or you had pissed on some old man of the mound. Either way, you don't care. You're pissed off now, too.

You see when they rejected you and asked (read: avoided you like the plague until Sejin spoke with you) not to speak or interact with them, you respected their wishes. It stung, but it's not really surprising.

It's not a secret that the seven of them are soulmates, polyamorous soulbonds not even a rarity in and out of the industry. However, it's also not a secret that they're very exclusive and don't let too many (if any) other people in their circle because of the things they had to endure as a group. It makes sense that they wouldn't want a new person intruding and messing with their dynamics, soulmate or not.

(deep down you want to say it doesn't make sense. you're their soulmate, why can't they accept you like that? but there's still nothing you can do, isn't there?)

And so, you delegated all your tasks related to their group to your most trusted employees completely and avoided them at all costs. And by 'at all costs', you mean everything. You even deleted all their songs on your playlists and blocked them on social media (even on Spotify). You can co-exist with them without interacting, although it makes your chest ache through the bond because of the soul rejection like a 24/7 acid relapse.

It's fine. You can ignore all that. You can handle rejection. You've been used to this since you were a kid; adult you can handle this.

Soul rejection side effects? Nothing meds and doctors can't fix. Technology has never been more advanced and all that jazz.

You're a mature person, and you pride yourself on that. You don't like confrontations that much and would rather step back as much as you can to disengage. If your soulmates don't want anything to do with you, then you'll back off.

But you sometimes wonder if they can feel it too, the soul strings fraying and slowly decaying. After shit went down, it's bouts of nausea and dizziness, and constant chest aches for you. That's not even half of it. It'll take a whole day for you to list all your symptoms.

If they do feel it, does it add to their list of reasons why they hate your existence? You mean, they had been borderline antagonistic since your first meeting, cold but civil at best.

It was a contrast to the way the tiny soul marks on each of your fingers glowed on your first meeting even until after Taehyung and Yoongi fled in what you can guess is disbelief and refusal, the others following suit. The warmth in your hands felt scorching, and you had never wanted to scrub them with water in your life then more than you ever did, your chest beating hard and painfully. You remember feeling like someone slashed your insides with a hot knife, and it has never stopped being in pain ever since.

What else were you supposed to think other than they hate you?

Not wanting to risk another embarrassing conversation with Sejin (bless his heart), you decided to book an appointment and signed up for the relatively new soul-scraping therapy. It's still in its human trial stages and is slowly being recognized as a way of severing soul ties, albeit not approved and sanctioned by the government. Anything to give and honor their wishes. They're your soulmates, and it's innate in you to give people what they want.

(or was it really just that?)

All of that and everything else, you can take. You live and abide by your life motto to stay out of drama, so you take all of it in stride and with dignity because it's all you have left at this point when it comes to them.

This is where you got pissed off, though. This day takes the cake, this sodding party.

Attending the party was certainly not your idea. You're tired from the long-ass meetings you had today—JYP's team asked for a meeting for your agreement with Day6 since Sungjin got discharged a few months ago with Younghyun following suit in a few days. A party is definitely not on your to-do list. If it's up to you, you'll be going home to your phone and fics.

(and if they're bangtan fics, nobody has to know. this, you can let yourself have—you were advised against going cold turkey from them by the doctors handling the soul-scraping therapy, after all. if you can't have them, maybe you can at least indulge in fictional them.)

You have been minding your own business since you arrived at the bar. It's laughable how socially inept you are despite handling your business and meeting the entertainment industry's biggest names and leaders regularly. When being put in parties and other gigs that force you to socialize just for the sake of socializing, you're back to being the fat loser kid that avoided making new friends because the ones you previously had in childhood (if you can really call them that) can't understand how your brain and mouth work. Frankly, you don't, too, so you just preferred to stay in one corner until it's socially acceptable to go home.

"Hey." Jackson squeezes your hand in his and smiles worriedly at you. "You doing okay?"

Jackson had been a long-time friend and is someone you trust your whole life with. Jackson had seen you through your bests and worsts, but had never once turned his back on you or betrayed you as many people did.

Yeah, you would trust him with your whole life. Your panties too, but don't tell him that.

(there's no need to because he knows; he did lots of times before, with his face between your thighs and your undies in his pocket.)

"I'm good." You don't even bother smiling, knowing it won't convince him too much. He knows your stand on parties; you're his polar opposite, after all. "I just really wanna go home."

"Can I come with?" he asks with a salacious smile.

You roll your eyes.

"Stop being horny for five minutes, please."

"You shouldn't have worn that dress, then." He rakes you with an assessing look. "On second thought, that's the best decision you did tonight so far. If you're not going home with anyone tonight, my room's open."

"You up to be my wingman?" you ask.

"Sure. I'll sit with you all night so we can look like a swinger couple scouting for a third we can take home." He waggles his eyebrows.

You snort at that with an amused chuckle, oblivious to the glare(s) directed your way by—who else?—your soulmates.

They (Taehyung) heard from Manager Sejin and Noona Ae-cha that you're not sure if you can come. They didn't know why the two were talking about you, but Taehyung tried to act immersed in his phone while eavesdropping.

Apparently, you had been stuck in the boardroom almost all day with the back-to-back meetings, and you even had to cancel your doctor's appointment. For what the appointment is for, he didn't know. It explains your absence that day, and he files the information away at the back of his head. He can't for the life of him understand why he can't stop trying to spot crumbs about you.

(he does know, but he's in denial about why—and he'll deny both.)

He then told his hyungs and Jungkook, which they just nodded at, seemingly uninterested. But if Namjoon's faraway serious look at times is anything to go by or the way Jimin picks at the skin on his lips as he's lost in thought, he's pretty sure they are also subtly trying to figure out if you're coming.

(but they'll all deny that if asked.)

They haven't seen you that much since they started actively avoiding you months ago and shut down whatever soul link you have with them, and you are damn good at trying to stay out of their way.

It surprised them, they're not gonna lie. They expected you to put up a fight, but all Manager Sejin told them was that you agreed. You never interacted with them ever since unless it was really needed, and you were always wearing your rings and not making unnecessary eye contact even once.

(and that somehow pisses them off and itches under their skin because how dare you not be interested?)

And now you've been here for the past hour or so, Jackson Wang in tow. Or rather, Jackson has his arms alternately snaked around yours or slung around your shoulders. It makes Jackson look like a frat douchebag.

(and it makes taehyung look jealous and interested in you which he is so not, no.)

Hoseok was the first one to spot you arriving, Another One Bites The Dust thumping through the dancefloor that was bathed in red lights. He nudges Namjoon from his seat in their secluded and swanky VIP room that was separated one floor above the bar proper.

"There she is", he says then, gesturing towards you as all seven pairs of eyes land on you as you enter with Jackson. "She's with Wang."

With varying levels of internal turmoil, they all watch as Jackson led you through the throngs of people, presumably to another room like theirs. They see you shake your head and point to the bar, and Jackson's face light up with a wide smile before redirecting your steps.

Yoongi asks himself why you have to wear that dress or why Jackson has to clutch at your hands like a little kid, the others having a similar train of thought. Does Jackson think he's going to be lost in this bar? Is he that plain stupid to be lost in this bar, really?

And why are you letting him?

Jimin tries not to let his eyes wander on your legs, tries not to let his mind wander back to the thought of being choked by your thick supple legs and ripping that off-shoulder dress off you and—

Oh. Woah, there.

Stop it! he thinks to himself and shakes his head.

(this is not the first time he's thought of this, darling. when he first saw those smooth and lovely-looking plump thighs, he knows he was fucked.)

Jin is no better, but he hides it better than the others. After all, it was not his idea to shut you out like that. He was opposed to it and tried to talk some sense into the others, but they didn't listen. He thought back then that Namjoon would at least be reasonable and give you a shot but nooo, the kid was stupid enough to listen to others.

Let them have what they want, then.

(he can feel the pit and longing in his chest some nights and thinks that maybe he can let the others do what they want but still do what he wants too. but he takes a look at the six men who had been there for him through thick and thin, and he can't lose them. he sends you an apology mentally, hoping you can at least feel it through the bond.)

"Calm down," Jin tells them levelly, trying to pry the glass off Namjoon's hand, lest he crushes it and injures himself. "You're crushing the poor thing, Joonie. Don't wanna end up in the ER, do you?"

Jackson's the one to end up in the ER if he doesn't unwrap his arms from your shoulders, that's who, Namjoon thinks to himself bitterly before he can stop himself.

Jin leans back on his seat and watches as you laugh with Jackson, arms slung around your shoulders as the latter listens to you talk. They all wouldn't have to seethe in barely contained anger if they just listened to him though, so who's at fault here?

Aish, these brats.

"I'm going to get more drinks," Jungkook suddenly says, disentangling himself from Taehyung fluidly.

"You can just ask them," Namjoon says, pointing towards the glass doors where their security detail is posed out of the room. "There's no need to go out."

"I'm going to get more drinks," Jungkook repeats firmly, ignoring him. Namjoon's jaw clenches. "Come help me, Jin-hyung?"

Ah, this conniving brat. Jin wants to kiss his pouty lips for this.

"Sure," Jin says easily, much to Namjoon's annoyance. He pats Namjoon's cheeks gently. "No breaking the glass, Joon-ah. We have a photoshoot tomorrow."

He pulls Jungkook out of the room before any of them can disagree further. He loops his arm around Jungkook's petite waist, nodding once to the man stationed at the door.

"You're not just getting drinks at you, aren't you?" Jin asks as they descend the steps.

"I don't know what you're talking about, hyung." Jungkook's smile is sharp. "I just don't wanna get roofied and end up on the tabloids tomorrow, is all."

"You don't have to lie to me," Jin says, kissing his hair. "I wanna see her, too."

Jungkook's smile turns sad at that.

"I just don't understand. [Name]-noona seems like a nice person. They're all being stupid."

Jin has to agree. "But you know why we have to, right? I don't like it, too, but we have no choice."

"But we do!" Jungkook insists. "We can be friends, even."

"Friends don't fuck friends." Jungkook snorts at that. "There's nothing 'friends' about wanting her with us, Jungkook."

"Friends don't fuck friends, my ass," Jungkook mumble mockingly. "That didn't stop Jackson-hyung at all."

Jin stops momentarily, pulling Jungkook to a stop. "Excuse me?"

"They were having sex last week, hyung. When Jackson-hyung came over last Wednesday."

"Was that why...?"

"Yeah." Jungkook takes his hand as they walk again. "I felt it through the strings, too."

Jungkook is suspiciously not meeting his eyes.

"Jungkook-ah."

"What?" he asks innocently. Jin's lips pull into a smirk.

"You naughty cat!"

"I—what? No!" but Jungkook is still not meeting his eyes. "I didn't watch them."

Jin gasps delightedly.

"This is so much better. I didn't even say anything yet!"

Ah, fuck.

In Jungkook's defense, he hadn't meant to listen in. But he had been on his way back to the practice room from relieving his screaming bladder when he heard it. The warmth and arousal that was definitely not his he had been ignoring since that lunchtime was not helping his curiosity.

"Ah!" And oh shit, it's someone moaning and it's you.

That explains the arousal he's been feeling. Oh, and the jealousy now (his), too.

"Yeah?" A deeper voice asked breathlessly. Another punched-out moan from you, and the arousal flares in his chest.

Yup. It's definitely his this time.

"Jackson, please," your equally breathless voice pleaded, and the sound shot to his cock. Jungkook had to stop his hand from going south inside his pants and boxers.

A delighted shriek and breathless laugh, followed by a staccato of 'ah ah ah's and hips slapping against each other punctuated the otherwise silent afternoon he was having.

And what would a self-respecting man do?

Stay and listen to you get railed six ways to Sunday, was what he did.

(jungkook didn't say he's a self-respecting man.)

Jungkook slipped his hand inside his pants and boxers and wrapped his hand around his aching cock. He almost moaned at how your moans quickly reached a whole other level of desperation. He wondered and tried to imagine how you would feel around him if he fucked you harder and deeper than Jackson possibly can.

He knows he can.

"Hands, Jackson." There was a chuckle, then your whine was heard. "Baobei, please."

Jungkook heard Jackson's sharp intake of breath, and he had to internally agree. Even speaking Mandarin, you sound so hot.

He heard you mewl with a choked giggle as the sounds of hips to hips got faster.

"You really like my hands, huh?" Jackson asked.

"Mhm. Want them wrapped around my—ah!—neck all the time."

Fuck.

Jungkook had to bite onto his hands as he came, so as not to give his position away, cock spurting on his hands,. Seconds later and he heard you cry out and Jackson grunt to completion.

So, no. He definitely didn't watch.

"You nasty, nasty boy!" Jin cackles at him and he wants to pout. "You listened in to them having sex?!"

"Hyung!" Jungkook hisses. "Not too loud."

Jin snickers at him, mouth pulled in a tempting smirk he wants to kiss. "Was it good?"

"Hyung," he whines. At Jin's unfaltering smirk, he sighs. "It was. She sounds so good, hyung. I can't take it off my mind."

"Maybe later, we can do something about that." Jin says with a low hum.

He peers at Jin's eyes and almost shudders at the dark and hungry look in them. Jin squeezes his waist, and it takes Jungkook's breath away.

In his silence, Jin nods with a hum.

"Hm, definitely later."

He won't say no to that. If they can't have you, Jungkook's gonna take what he can get, even if it means settling on replaying your moans in his head.

When they reach the bar, you are still sitting at the other end with Jackson. They are careful not to be seen by you or you'll probably leave like you always do when they get within your 10-foot vicinity.

Then Jackson puts his hand on your slightly exposed leg. He feels the others' jealousy through the bond first before he feels his own, and he sees you stiffen in your seat.

Hyungs!

Jungkook quickly looks away, but not before Jackson catches his gaze. He completely misses the way Jackson's mouth pulls into a quick smirk as their drinks are thankfully served at that exact moment.

"Wanna head back to your place?"

You're unexpectedly suddenly close, and it's like Jackson wants him and Jin to hear to rile them up. It works, and he can barely tamp down the urge to pour the drinks over Jackson's big head, being older be damned.

"Sure. I'll just swing by the restroom." You say as you walk away. Jin and Jungkook take that as their cue to go back to their ritzy room.

"That was short," Jin says tightly as they go back. "Was it you?"

Jungkook shakes his head.

Jin's lips quirk into an amused smile.

"Ah, jealous bastards."

"Weren't you too, though?" Jungkook asks with a slightly amused smile of his own. "That was... that was intense."

"That serves them," Jin says as they near the room. "If they weren't just pigheaded, it's my shoulders her legs are gonna be hanging from later."

"Jin-hyung!" Jungkoo huffs, but then deflates. "Yeah."

"Don't worry, we still have later," Jin says with a lascivious smirk.

And he can't complain about that, can he?

"Where's Tae-hyung?" he asks when they enter the room, Taehyung nowhere in sight.

"Went out. Didn't say where." Hoseok says as he accepts their drinks and puts the tray on the table. It takes a few seconds for him to piece it all together, and he mentally facepalms.

"Whatever happened to 'not giving a fuck' about [Name]?" he mumbles.

"Jungkook," Namjoon warns.

It sets him off.

"What? Are you all really going to keep on pretending? You do realize I felt that back there too, right?" he shoots back.

"So the drinks were just a ruse?" Namjoon's face is stormy.

Jungkook holds his gaze steady. "And what if it was? You all know what I felt about this since day one."

"Kook-ah." It's Jimin this time. "Not now, please."

"And when, hyung? When we go back to just pretending an eighth of our soul doesn't exist out there?"

"Jungkook."

He glares at Yoongi. "No, hyung. If you all want to be stupid, I don't! [Name]-noona is going through therapy because of this, don't you know?"

Yoongi scoffs. "She's a big girl, she can handle herself."

"Not soul-scraping therapy, she won't."

They all stop at that. Even Jungkook stops and internally curses.

Fuck, he wasn't supposed to say that.

"What did you say?" Namjoon's voice takes on a dangerous tone.

He huffs but stays silent, not really wanting to dig a deeper hole for himself.

"Jungkook."

"I talked to Jiho-hyung, okay? I bumped into him five months ago when he visited her."

Silence.

"Im Jiho?" At Jungkook's nod, Namjoon's frown deepened. "I didn't know he practices soul-scraping."

"He's co-authoring the soul-scraping study with Doctor Seong."

At the mention of one of their previous soul health doctors, Yoongi raises his eyebrows.

"Our Doctor Seong?"

Jungkook nods with a sigh, plopping down beside Hoseok. "Apparently, it's why he stopped private practice—to focus on the studies. They're also lobbying for fully legalizing soul-scraping in the Assembly. I ran into him, and he mentioned that he was there for noona's side effects from the therapy."

Side effects?

Shit.

"W-wait. Five months, you said?" Jin says with a tremble in his voice. "Is that why I can barely feel her anymore?"

Jungkook's sigh is pained, forlorn. "Apparently, yeah."

They all lapse in complete silence after that, the thumping of the beat on the dancefloor faint through the walls.

"Fuck."

Indeed.

It is then that Taehyung comes back. He takes one look at their varying degrees of solemn and stunned expressions and tilts his head.

"What? What happened?" he asks.

"[Name]..."

Taehyung's eyes widen before his expression smooths into indifference.

"I told you, I'm no—"

"That's not it," Jimin says softly. "She's in soul-scraping therapy, Taehyung-ah."

...

"What?"

(oh, lord. you don't know the turmoil you caused all these pining idiots, darling.)

---

And what about you?

As we said in the beginning, god must be testing your patience.

"Hey," Jackson says softly. He lifts your chin with a gentle smile long after Taehyung fucked off to god knows where. "You good, baobei?"

You didn't even know they were here. You were vaguely aware that yeah, they might be, but it totally slipped your mind. Meetings really did drain your brain.

When you stood up and went to the restroom while Jackson called for the driver, you didn't know that Taehyung was watching you from their room and completely high-tailed it from there just to intercept you when he saw you stand up from the corner of the bar. You didn't know why, but his stupid drunken ass just decided it wanted and it was a good idea to rile you up.

To piss you off is why, you think.

When you exited the ladies' room, Taehyung was standing there by the wall looking lethal. The ache in your chest flared up for two different reasons, but you ignored it. You ignored him and started walking away, pretending you didn't see him.

"So you're really here."

Seriously?

You continued ignoring him and walked on, but he didn't let you get far.

He grabs your wrist. "I said, you're really here."

The spot where he held you burned and you hissed, cursing the therapy's side effects. You were warned that coming in contact skin-to-skin with your soulmates while undergoing the therapy would feel painful (literally), but you didn't heed it then. You had no reason to touch them after all when they didn't even want to see you.

But it is painful, and it burns.

You yanked your wrist away, hiding your wrist behind your back. There's no need for that, though. Taehyung was looking at your face intently.

"Yes, and I was just leaving. See you around, T—"

"With Jackson?"

What's it with this guy?

You looked back at him and squared your shoulders up. "That's really none of your business, Taehyung."

He laughed with a sneer, shaking his head.

"What would people say if they knew you're off gallivanting with men who aren't your soulmate?"

Wow.

The nerve of this asshole.

You can't let him see it affect you though, so you tilt your head with an innocent smile.

"I'm just a nobody. Why would they talk about me? " You smirked in amusement. "I don't think it'll be me they will talk about since I wasn't the one who rejected my soulmate, was I?"

And oh, shit. Where did that come from, [Name]? Feisty.

"And I'm not doing anything illegal. Why should I be scared?" You slightly lean back and tilt your chin up. "I'm not the one between us with a reputation to uphold, a name I should protect."

You paused, a serene smile on your face.

"I'm not a coward. I'm not you, Taehyung"

The smirk on his lips was replaced with a sharp look of disdain, almost like he wants to slap the smile off your face.

(he wants to, darling. trust me. just not in the way you think.)

You knew you hit a nerve and it feels petty and mean, but it's nothing compared to the loneliness and pain they gave you these past few months. It felt satisfying, even if for just a bit.

"You really think you're all that, don't you?" He smiled almost mockingly. "Tell me, how does it feel to be rejected?"

That really stung and angered you, but you've spent all your life hiding your emotions when needed to. Your expression didn't falter.

"It feels good—"

"—because she dodged a bullet."

You internally sighed in relief as Jackson's voice float behind you. You'll forever be thankful for this man's existence, gods or not.

You melt in his arms when he wrapped them around your waist. You chanced a look at Jackson, not seeing the twitch on Taehyung's brows at your body language.

"You really think you're all that, don't you?" Jackson mocked back at him. "Imagine thinking it's the end of the world for your soulmate just because you shut down their bond." Jackson chuckled ruthlessly.

"You're pathetic, Taehyung-ssi."

The two were locked in a glowering match before Taehyung straightened up and spun on his heel without a word.

Jackson let you get your bearings by the wall of the hallway to the ladies' room in silence. But he didn't let you stew in your thoughts for long.

So now here you are, looking at his gentle eyes.

"You good, baobei?"

You don't know how to answer that really, so you pull him by the collar into a searing kiss.

He puts his hand on your waist, the other on the wall by your face, and you tighten your hold on his collar.

You pull away to gasp for air.

"Take me home," you exhale heavily as you lean your head on his shoulder. "Take me home and fuck me 'til I forget, or I might do something stupid."

Jackson's sharp intake of air is your answer before he pulls you away to your awaiting car outside the club.

---

feedback (constructive, please don't be too rude bc i'll cry) and kudos very much appreciated!

#bts soulmate au #polyamorous bts #soul bonds #kim taehyung u lil shit #soulmate rejection #idek what i'm doing okay i'm so sorry #they're idiots your honor #bts x reader #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #kim namjoon #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook

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bigbroadvice · 4 months ago

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Hey, uh...

Hi....!

I... Wanted to talk to you about something because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about it (this is going to be a very long rant, ignore this if you like)

I... think I'm trans. Specifically transmasc. Or nonbinary. Or agender. I don't know what the heck I am XD. But... I'm Christian (specifically LDS). It goes against everything I believe. Or at least what I think I believe. I've done research. There seems to be a lot of discourse, but the majority seem to say it's okay, although I wouldn't be able to do certain things that I love if I started socially or medically transitioning. (You can ignore this part if you want, especially if you aren't comfortable with giving religious advice)

I have supportive friends and most likely family. I know at least some of my friends would accept me because a few of them are also trans or visibly supportive of it. I know at least one certain group of friends would support and encourage me if I decided to come out. And my parents once said something that very clearly said that they'd support me regardless of who I am (which makes me wonder now, later, if they knew before I knew.) They're just a little awkward about lgbtq+ stuff, and I know they'd get my name and pronouns wrong a lot and consistently struggle with it. But I think know they'd still support and love me.

On the other hand, there are quite a lot of reasons not to come out. I'm still really young. I'm only thirteen. I've heard a lot about how young trans people might face criticism, specifically things like "you might regret it later!" Or "you're too young to know this!". And the thing is: they're right. I'm still not sure exactly who I am. At first I thought I was agender, because I felt like I didn't really care about gender or what pronouns people used for me. But then I started to think I was nonbinary. And I thought about what it'd be like to be referred to as they/them, and it felt really good. And all the while, in the back of my mind, a quiet voice said "you could be a boy?"

Quick Sidetrack: I only found out I was gay because... I watched a whole bunch of lgbtq tiktok comps (I know, kinda stupid but hear me out). I watched so many that I began to question if I was still an outsider to that group of people. Eventually, after a lot of internal screaming, I realized that I was pan and ace, and came out. My parents didn't find out the way I wanted them to, having read through my texts, but after a very uncomfortable Talk it ended up pretty okay. But I only realized because I watched so many tiktoks. And I still wonder to this day if I was only faking it until I made it. I never had gay thoughts or feelings until I learned it existed, and I still wonder to this day if I still would've ever realized if I hadn't learned about it. The same thing happened with my depression: I only realized it and started having symptoms after I learned it existed. When I was younger, I'd had multiple times where I'd lied about something bad happening to me because I wanted attention. So I worry that might've been the case, and I pretended I had depression until I actually had it because I wanted people to make it known that they care. And I wonder if that's what happened with being gay: I worry I faked it until I made it real because I just instinctively wanted to be part of a community. Later I realized I didn't know anything about my orientation and started identifying as queer. But the same thing could apply to being trans: I might have just faked it until I made(??) It, because I want to be unique and part of a community.

So anyway: I'm questioning being trans for a number of reasons. I don't want to transition medically, because that just doesn't feel like a need for me (at least right now. I am still only a kid after all.) It's more socially transitioning that I want. But if I don't want to medically transition, doesn't that mean I can't be a boy? Doesn't that mean I kinda have to be either nonbinary or agender? I guess that's most of the reason I'm questioning which one I am.

I can't be a boy. I CAN'T be a BOY.

But.... one day I started playing around with my hair. Even before I'd started questioning Things, I've had an idea of what my hair could look like that I really really want and think would make me happy but I'm too scared to ask my parents to do it. And so I was playing around with it.... And decided to try parting it on the side. The way those stereotypically emo people (not saying that's bad just based on society's views and the media) have one side of their hair basically shaved and the other long. Just to see what I would look like.

But... I looked in the mirror, and at how my hair looked short, and looking the way I'd always wanted to look, and just how MUCH it changed how I saw both my physical features and my personality... It felt... right. A thought came before I could shut it down and said "that's me. There I am. I... I actually like that person!"

But.. I'm scared of how people other than that one group of friends will react. Especially this one group of people that are my favorite people ever, that make me feel like myself and I look up to them a lot (and they're all older). What if they, and/or my parents, listen to me come out, and then say "oh. Oh no, [name]. Please no. I don't want this for you, that isn't you".

I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll say something other than what they'll probably say.

Every day, I pull my hair back and part it on the side, and see a real, ME smile break out over my face. And then I pull it back to normal, and yell at my reflection that I'm not a boy I'm a girl I'm a girl I'M A GIRL I'M A GIRL because maybe if I lie to myself say that enough I'll be able to make it true.

And another thing: everywhere isn't... Ideal, to put it mildly, for trans people. But I live in the U.S, and there's currently a lot of political discourse about whether or not they....we deserve rights. I'm worried that if Trump gets elected, or laws get passed, that I'll bring harm not only on myself but on the people I love.

But... the daydream of saying "I go by he/him (he/they????)", and wearing boy's clothes, and looking the way I always wanted to, especially with my hair, and getting top surgery (maybe) when I'm older and being able to feel my chest, and going by the name Ace (get it cuz cuz I'm asexual? Ace? I didn't realize that until after I chose it lol and I find it funny) and just... feeling free to really, truly be me... I really, really want that. So much that it hurts.

But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll make that choice, and then realize it was the wrong one. I'm scared that I'm too young to know.

I want to come out. But... it might be better to wait until I'm at least sixteen, and things would hopefully calm down a little bit politically at least, and I'm better mentally equipped to make that kind of decision. It also might give my parents time to get more comfortable with lgbtq+ stuff.

But 3 years is a long time to wait.

I guess the question is: do you have a good way to stay in the closet? To resist the urge to tell people and be patient?

Aaaaaanyway, thank you for reading my very very long rant and hope you're having a great day/night!

Hey friend, lean in close,… no, closer

There is no such thing as fake queer people

If living a certain way makes you happy, then live that way! If a certain word helps you describe that lifestyle and/or the way you feel, use it! And that doesn’t have to be the same word forever. You’re allowed to try on labels and identities and lifestyles to see which ones fit best. Its ok to try something on for a while and then decide it’s not for you and you’d like to try something else. That’s how you figure out who you are!

That’s why the whole ��but they’re too young to know” thing is so silly. This is when you’re supposed to be figuring stuff out! Kids try on all sorts of different things: hobbies and interrests, friendgroups, styles, personalities, worldviews. That’s a good thing! It’s called exploring! That’s how you figure out who you want to be when you grow up. If you figured out you liked science, did some googling into different science careers, and decided you wanted to become a neurosurgeon, most people would be overjoyed and do whatever they could to support you in that pursuit, even if later down the line you found something else in the science field you were more interrested in, or maybe something outside of science entirely!

It’s the same thing for gender and sexuality. Try on different kinds of clothes to see what you like wearing. Try on different sets of pronouns to see what you like hearing. Try on labels to see which ones you vibe with. Try out new hairstyles. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back. Try on names to see which one feels like you.

And its ok to be open about the fact that you’re trying things out and might not be sure about everything yet! You can just tell people, “I think I might be transmasc (or nonbinary, or agender). I’m going by Ace and He/Him (or He/They) pronouns for now.” And yeah, some people are probably gonna be assholes about it, but those people are gonna be assholes no matter what you tell them. Let their words slide off you like water off a duck. People who care about you and want to support you will go through that journey with you.

As far as the ‘not knowing you’re gay till you’ve seen a bunch of gay stuff’ goes, that’s also completely normal. I’m pretty confident most neurosergeons didn’t know they wanted to be neurosergeons until they heard about other neurosergeons. Some people ‘always knew’ something was different about them even before they had the words for it, and some people only started seeing that thing in themselves after they’d seen it in others. Both of those are awesome and neither is any less true! That’s the fun part of learning about the human experience. You get to understand other people better, but also, you frequently stumble upon things that give you a deeper understanding of yourself.

All that being said, it’s a good idea to test the waters when it comes to parents. Coming out does not need to be an all or nothing kind of deal. You can tell the people you know with complete confidence will support you first and ask them to keep it to themselves for now. (This is a good way to test out names and pronouns by the way. A smaller group means less hassle of having to let people know you’d like to try something else) Once you feel ready (and perhaps have made some plans with your friends for some emotional support if things don’t go as well as they could have) you can bring up the topic with your parents. If you’re not sure how they’d react to you coming out directly, it might be a good idea to talk about a trans friend of yours and see what they have to say on the topic. If that goes well, pitch a hypothetical “what would happen if I came out to you.” If their response makes you nervous, you can always backpeddle and say you were just curious what their views on the subject were. If things go well, then go for it!

Anyways, as someone whose ditched a religion I no longer believed in and gone through multiple names, labels, and pronouns to find what makes me happy today, I wish you the best of luck my friend. It’s an adventure. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You’ve got to be willing to fail if you ever want to succeed at anything.

#I’m always here if you want to chat #you and I seem to have a lot in common #big bro advice #coming out advice #queer #lgbtq #lgbtq community #queer community #trans advice #genderqueer #questioning #transmasc #agender #nonbinary

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luckyshouse · 3 months ago

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ive been in the psychiatric system since i was 11 or 12, my dad is a disabled autistic veteran who was disabled before becoming a veteran, my mom is a schizophrenic woman (she also thinks she has ADHD, i think she has autism.) who is physically disabled, my youngest sister is a semi verbal autistic. my great uncle is in a permanent holding facility due to his schizophrenia. my grandpa is a physically disabled ex firefighter, my uncle is an semi verbal autistic man, my aunt is also schizophrenic and physically disabled. my grandma experiences intense psychotic symptoms and imo is autistic. my great aunt has cereberal palsy, her caretaker is a part of our family. many of my uncles still live with their parents due to physical disabilities or mental disabilities that have made it impossible for them to work. this is why i speak about disability so much. my family is from all over, my dads parents are from mexico and ireland, my moms side of the family is from italy, and one thing that has always followed is disability and specifically ableism. many of us use mobility aides, AAC devices, etc. but one thing i've learned through all of this, is insisting that you are normal and arent disabled will literally rot your body and soul. people ask me how my family ever ended up so fucked up, why my dad is literally a cartoonish villain, why my mom is so crazy. and the answer isn't "theyre mentally unwell people" the answer is "they were literally barred from being who they are and getting the help they needed before they became adults and were constantly having adults in their lives reject and deny the pain they're in and force them through shit like military service or disabling work just to prove their worth and ensure they don't end up homeless and that caused them to lose sight of who they are and what their needs were and there for cut them off from their own empathy and understanding of themselves and other people and caused them to see any signs of disability as a trigger and an immediate scary thing that needed to be corrected"

people assume my family should be aware and educated about their disorders, as if that would've saved them from homelessness. as if having the disorder means you know about it and how to get over it. the reason i talk about disability so much is because literally no one else is willing to. if bringing up disability and ableism is proof that im a narcissist or ignoring other issues, then so be it. no one else is fucking doing it anyways.

#house creaks

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aspd-culture · 1 year ago

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aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome #tw sa mention #tw abuse mention

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aita-polls · 4 months ago

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AITA for ghosting my lifelong friend? Part 1. (so sorry for sending multiple asks, tumblr can't process the length! it's a convoluted story. TL:DR; will be at the end.)

I (25, he/him) have/had a friend (25, they/them/he) who I grew up with, and I've always considered us to be close. Upon further inspection, I think I just have never had enough friends to know what actually counts as "close". We've gone whole years without speaking to or seeing each other and even toward the end of our childhood we were never each other's best friends or first choices. We also had a bit of unpleasantness between us when I first came out as trans but we were pretty young then, so it isn't something I still hold against them, though it did impact my desire to be friends with them at the time. My point is that I think we just happen to be each other's oldest friends. They've always been a bit dishonest but in recent years they have gained some notoriety as an artist and it has gone to their head. For the past year or so they have been faking schizophrenia. It's pretty clear that they're faking it because they are pretty ignorant about the disorder, so they often confuse/conflate symptoms of other disorders like bipolar and CPTSD. I never knew how to bring this up without being harsh, because sometimes there actually is some kind of mental illness going on anyway when someone lies this much about their life, and I didn't want to just shit on them for being mentally ill. Recently it has escalated, though, to the point that they are faking multiple other conditions, disabilities, and even traumas, in a way that is incredibly disrespectful and insulting. One particularly bad example of this that got me really rethinking our friendship was when they were escorted out of a nightclub by the forearm by a security guard for berating staff members (they were asked to leave as the club is a women's-only space). They described this event on social media as a r*pe, and named the bar and the owner publicly to their thousands of followers. A few of our mutual friends reached out with questions (they have a history of pretending to be a trans woman in certain situations, so it's worth asking), but they publicly called out and insulted those people as well, calling them manipulators, classists, ableists, abusers, etc.

**Alt img descriptions were used but parts two + three are posted under the cut in plain text in case this format is more helpful for anybody

ghosted my lifelong friend Part 2-

About 3 months ago they started to drop hints that they believed they may have DID and they are already faking full conversations with 8 - 10 supposedly co-conscious alters. They make Spotify playlists, outfit plans, drink recipes, etc. for these "alters" (all of which suit their personal tastes and rarely vary- if you know much about DID you likely know that it's a big red flag when someone's alleged alters are extremely similar to each other and to the host). They have also recently been pretending to have gone deaf and blind (not hard of hearing and visually impaired, but deaf and blind), over the span of the last 2 months or so. It is possible to go totally deaf and blind fairly quickly, but they claim to have learned sign language fluently and retaught themself visual art and ballet without sight or hearing in that same timeframe. I know that schizophrenic people can experience somatic hallucinations that cause them to believe that they are permanently losing their olfactory senses, but these people actually can't process sounds or visuals normally while they're having these hallucinations, and so it doesn't really involve any level of intentional dishonesty on their part. It's one thing to experience temporary, hallucinatory deafness, and a totally separate thing to film, edit, and post multiple videos of yourself blatantly pretending to speak sign language on social media. I mean this is such a low-effort fake that it's not hard to debunk at all; for instance the sign for multiple words is apparently just the letter R. (Again, I have noticed this so easily because I personally speak sign language, so l am aware that some uncommon words and proper nouns are spelled out and not represented by a single sign, but as an example, the phrase "I'm on the train right now" doesn't have 5 Rs in it regardless). The final straw was when earlier this week they claimed that someone attempted to break in to their vacation home. For even more background they have also recently started to claim that they have a stalker, a specific woman who they know personally who they are supposedly currently travelling cross-country to avoid. (The real story is that they are fleeing relationship drama, but l digress). Over the previous few days they had made several posts intentionally leaving behind details about their location- mentioning the name of the neighbourhood they were visiting, dropping bits and pieces of their travel schedule, posting photos and videos near the front of the home they were staying at, etc. It was all vague enough that you'd have to work very hard to decipher their actual (remote, rural) location from it, but specific enough that it could be plausible that an extreme stalker might be willing to. This is extremely strange behaviour from someone who is supposedly fleeing an obsessive stalker, but whatever.

lifelong friend story Part 3 (final part, I hope.)

Their story about the break-in was originally that their alleged stalker had flown thousands of miles to try and break in, but when no one was buying that they started to claim that they "weren't sure" who it was because they "can't see". When this made even more people see through the lie, they changed their story again, claiming that they were "pretty sure that someone tried to break in" but didn't know for sure, and that they also believed the person in question "might" have touched them inappropriately if they had been there and had broken in. This, to me, was obviously them both trying to avoid making a statement that was too simple to debunk and to make people feel uncomfortable asking more questions by including an element of assault. There are more instances of specific lies, and some of these and other lies are suspiciously similar to my own life story, if I might avoid specifying to keep my anonymity relatively intact. Everyone else who has tried to call them on this has had a hate mob sent their way, and I didn't want to give them the chance to shit on me for noticing their dishonesty, especially when they're stealing half the stories from me directly, so I just gave up in the end and blocked them everywhere. I figured the total lack of respect from their end justified me preserving my mental health as much as I could. The fact that they are so blatantly, regularly and severely lying about subjects that they are aware I'm personally knowledgeable on is insulting, yes. But it's also dangerous for someone who is totally ignorant to the disorders they claim to have to be positioning themselves as an expert to people who may not know any better. They've lost a lot of friends and followers over this behaviour, yes, but they still have a following of a few thousand people and if they haven't seen through it by now I wonder if they ever will. They need desperately to get off social media so they can stop acting out for attention and just spend some time on figuring out why they feel such an overwhelming need to lie all the time. Also, if it helps understand the why a bit better, this person is rather wealthy and grew up that way as well, and I believe that they have always felt inadequate and "uncool" in comparison to people with harder lives. Since becoming an artist they have started to lie more and more to fit in with a crowd they see as more worldly and experienced. Having grown up poor and in an extremely neglectful home enviroment is another thing they frequently lie about. To reiterate this behaviour has been escalating rapidly for the past two or three months, this has mostly all happened between September 28 and now and it's only a portion of the full scale of the stories. Maybe if I hadn't consistently gotten so much less effort back than I put in during our relationship, I might have tried harder, but I can't keep dealing with this for my own health, and I don't want to have a hate mob on my ass either. I also frankly don't want to be publicly associated with this person. My best bet, I feel, is to just disappear and be impossible to find again. AlTA?

TL:DR; I believe that my “microcelebrity" friend has been faking deafness, blindness, DID, schizophrenia, and other serious issues for personal and professional gain for months, and publicly attacking anyone who questions them on it. I got fed up and ghosted completely in the hopes of avoiding a similar fate.

#thank you for the submission!#polls #aita #tumblr polls #aita polls #aitah polls #poll blog #aitah #am i the asshole #long post #really long post #tw ableism #tw fakeclaiming #reddit #poll #random polls

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imsogayyippee · 6 months ago

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18 and 40

hi i am SO sorry ive been ignoring this ask for like a month and a half. i wasnt feeling like answering asks idk why😭

Song 18: Again by Crusher-P (sorry if this is a cover and not the person who actually made it, I've seen other versions and idk if this is the original but this is the one I listen to lol)

this is more of an alex song than a timlex one but anyways!!!!!!!!!!

"I haven't been myself lately/I don't blame you for not wanting to stay/Saying things that I don't mean, not meaning what I say" "What am I supposed to say/When I end up driving everyone away?"

pre mh alex slowly growing more like,,, aggresive or whatever because of the operator

"Cause I am on fire/A crying, burning liar/Seeing nothing/Nothing/But myself/And I'm the one with the lighter!"

self explanatory. I do feel like this kind of works as a way to show their parallels though

"God, what happened to my heart?/I'm about to fall apart/Again, again"

Alex thinking he's unfixable/incurable from what he's done. Maybe this would be post-MH and the fall apart thing is like falling apart even when he tried to better himself.

"And you're never coming back/And I'm not okay with that/And I should've never let myself get attached/Again"

I wasn't really gonna include this but since this is supposed to be about Timlex. I will. Tim and Alex separating, each going their own ways, after Alex dropped the production of MH and maybe Alex eventually thinking back on that?

"What's done is done/And nothing's gonna change/I should be moving on/But I still feel the same"

Alex forcing himself to not think about the people he's killed/what he's done.

"And it's like everyday is a fight for my life/To get some self-control/And when you've forgotten who I am/It just feels, it just feels/Like I'm nobody at all"

Again, post-MH Alex being encouraged to try and better himself (by Tim), but after what's happened, he's never gonna go back to what he was before MH. Even if Tim probably wouldn't expect this, knowing that after what they've both gone through, they probably couldn't "go back to how they were before", Alex would still think that's what Tim thought would happen.

"I found myself hitting the ground/I held my breath incase I drown"

Kind of a stretch, but it's like implied(? that the operation sickness symptoms mimic drowning, such as the coughing and stuff. I mostly got this from night mind's videos lol

"I should've known when to let go/And when to see who I was being"

Alex maybe thinking back(? to how he should've tried to get help when he noticed himself growing more paranoid, aggressive, etc because of the operator.

Song 40: Dead Girls by Penelope Scott

This song to me is more "Tim after MH" than anything else but yeah. It's more in here specifically for timlex because of like one line so. oopsies :3

"Sometimes I see her on the sidewalk/Biking on the wet chalk/Spelling out their names/And I feel insane/Cause I know it's just a game that I'm playing with my brain/I don't see her, but I see her/And I know it isn't real"

Tim after MH hallucinating/having nightmares about Jay/Brian/Alex.

"But I fake it anyways/Pull a smile and wave/Nod and look away/Wait for it to fade/But it happens all the time/People say it's fine/My roommate says they're killing us/But we're killing ourselves"

Him ignoring the hallucination/nightmare or maybe playing along with it(? to at least pretend that they're still alive. I know they don't really interact much in post-MH, but the roommate thing could refer to Jessica? Since it's kinda like. excluding her from "people say it's fine", which would make more sense since she actually went through MH too lol

"I'm surrounded by/Dead girls on the road/Dead girls on my phone/Dead girls, where do they go?/All of the fucking/Dead girls, all around/Dead girls in my town/Dead girls, I don't know/Dead girls, where do they go?"

"On the road" could refer to Jessica, still alive but a reminder of MH. "On my phone" well. marble hronets channel. "Where do they go?" could refer to the ark? lol

"And it'd be wrong to say I miss them/I didn't really know him/I just had a couple friends who say they knew him well/He'd seemed like something special/Really, don't they all?/I guess before you're gone, it can be kinda hard to tell"

THIS IS THE TIMLEX LINE!!!!!!!!! Tim might start feeling like he misses Alex even if (in this song's case) they didn't date before MH nor did they really know each other. He'd probably start thinking about how Alex was literally just some guy and then he had to go through something similar as Tim, but he just 'couldn't handle it well'.

"And if all you ever see are dead girls/If all you hear is terrible news/Maybe it's not all about them, the dead girls/Maybe it's more about you/The living need attention too"

In a way, this could be seen as how Alex said that Tim was the source: "if everyone around you gets operator sickness, why do you think it is?"

YEAH if you wanna add anything. go ahead!!!

#marble hornets #tim wright #alex kralie #timlex #asks

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differentalpacafestival · 8 months ago

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My AuDHD rant;

I realised something recently.

So I got diagnosed AuDHD (autistic and ADHD for anyone who might not understand) in 2023. Since my autism diagnosis, I've read up on what autism actually is and how it's impacting my life.

I bought a book from Amazon by Devon Price, Unmasking Autism, and I've only made it to like page 50 in a year, but I've still learned a lot that should've been obvious from the beginning. For instance, that people are different. Like, yeah, no shit, no one is the same through and through, but to me, the biggest difference between people were certain opinions like views on racism, homosexuality, human rights etc. Mostly things that matter to someone else, and not one self. However, from Devon's book, I realised that autism *is* a spectrum, I *am* a person, and just because I have *this* autistic experience, doesn't mean my AuDHD friend has the same, or Devon, or my family members. Like an opinion, autism is not black and white; it varies vastly from person to person and I am one of them. I look at black and brown people as people, whereas my brother sees them as objects; something owned, replacable. I look at non binary as a valid gender identity (also might be bias because I am non binary), whereas my mother thinks of it as confusion, lack of masuline or feminine figures from early life stages.

I also finally started to understand that I, as a person, have an innate right to be me. I have a right to stim when stressed, I have a right to decide myself what helps me regulate and when I need it, and I have a right to voice my discomfort with people, situations, feelings. I have a right to be angry, upset, sensitive, sad, offended, excited, nervous. I have a right to be me. After understanding what masking means, and that I have been taught to highly mask who I am, I realised that I'm not just being sensitive, or childish, or rude even. I have been traumatised from masking, pushing myself too far. I'm burnt out from having to consider everyone else's comfort above my own; to shield my mother from stress caused by me; to respect my brother's privacy and toys and not get angry whenever he didn't towards me; to stop complaining about my bullies at school; to stop being 'boring'; to not get upset if someone overstepped boundaries; to not get so angry if my fork or spoon was dirty and I had to use something else. Sure, some of these have actually been reasonable in some cases, but for the most part, I have only been me.

The fact that I had to start this journey by myself, against literally everyone's opinion, is so stressful to think about. When I first figured out I was depressed, my mother said I was overreacting. When I realised I had social anxiety, I was told to not self diagnose. When I first suspected ADHD when I was 15, I was told, again, to stop self diagnosing online, and that the fact that I scored like 80% on multiple self tests over a prolonged period didn't matter because the internet lies and all of these things are normal. Then in 2021 I started to get spammed with autistic experiences across all platforms, I decided to ignore it all because I'm only self diagnosing and overreacting again. It didn't matter that I related to every single thing I heard, it's normal. Everybody feels this way at one point or another. ADHD is climbing walls, autism is being retarded and throwing tantrums, anxiety is isolating one self at all times, depression is just being sad. In 2018 my therapist literally said, and I quote, "Depression and anxiety are just symptoms. They're nothing to worry about, it's not dangerous," and then proceeded to advance on me. He wanted me to go, alone, to the mall at the most busy day of the week to "expose myself". This was our first session. Needless to say, by the time he wanted this to happen, I was no longer his patient. We had three sessions total.

Before getting diagnosed, I had six psychologists, two social workers, nearly twenty school nurses (yes, nurses; not visits), a handful of friends (four, to be exact) who disappeared and got replaced, one parent, a long history of physical, verbal and emotional abuse both at home and at school, from my age and adults, extremely isolated, chronically online from the ripe age of 8 (around 2010), extraordinary IQ for my age to quote my first ever nurse, nearly 50% absence each year which worsened year by year, dangerously high empathy to the point I literally attempted suicide from someone else's feelings, great grades despite no homework and constant daydreaming, abnormal sense for languages and music, not once a normal or healthy eating habit, and much more. No one ever even suspected autism. I was never the stereotypical hyper kid, so I don't necessarily blame anyone for missing ADHD.

I can understand my mom not catching on considering her level of stress, and pure lack of information, but from the insane amount of healthworkers I've been in contact with? For twenty years no one ever took me seriously. I had to have an unhealthy long list of reasons I thought I had autism, traits I related to, every psychologist I'd ever been to, why I started going to them, what we did and talked about, why we stopped, how helpful I found our sessions, and even proof of why I wasn't just traumatized. I tried to see an ADHD specialist in 2021, to which, by the way, my doctor advised me against because I can't tell anyone I suspect ADHD since no one will take me seriously. I was denied even an interview because they deducted I, literally quoting, had daddy issues. When I wrote a letter complaining about their lack of professionalism and why I meant they should at least get me an interview, they replied saying I hadn't asked for this to go to their superiors so my case was officially closed. I never tried again because I was so sick of not being taken seriously. In 2022, my doctor figured I needed more professional help. He referred me to another psychologist. They never got back to me, so the national backup plan reached out and set an interview with me where I told them about my mental health situation, my history in the field, why I was referred and what I expected from them. I was then forgotten for half a year until my school nurse at the time helped me call them back and sort things out. The next week I had my first session with a private psychiatrist. Within a month, I was diagnosed with autism, the next 7 months were mapping out my traits and symptoms as well as regularly filling out a form of ADHD based statements to see if it was just a mood or a consistant topic, in November I was diagnosed with ADHD and for the next three months we experimented with medicine. I wound up hallucinating from all of them, and by March 1st this year (2024) we were done. One year with her lead me to two long expected diagnoses, one new medication and a new outlook and perspective on my life and health. With these, I've now started the process of being permanently unemployed with benefits.

If one person, at any point in my life, didn't view me as a victim and rather a whole person, I could've avoided so much stress and unnecassary burn out. I could've already been in a much better place, but instead I'm still trying to piece together the puzzle of myself and how I can best get the help I need and proceed with my life as disabled. I have five unfinished years of upper secondary (college for y'all Americans). I could've only gone through one and been better off, but to be able to get to where I am today, I *had* to go through the dehumanizing struggles and depressive episodes. I had to be completely torn to shreds to the point I almost got diagnosed with psychosis from the permanently damaging stress from school. I had to fail five years and drop out from exhaustion and reaking of failure to have my primary doctor take me seriously. I had to have a social worker with me for him to see that all the trauma I've been through, has, in fact, settled in my body, so he could finally give me reassurance through the Fibromyalgia diagnosis in May 2022. I had to be seen as batshit crazy. I had to prove to tenfolds of professional health workers that I do think there's something not working the way society wants me to work. I had to be persistent all my life for anyone to think that maybe I do have a point. And you know the most heartbreaking fact about all of this? I'm not the oldest going through this. There are people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 80s finally being taken seriously and looked upon as human. There are well grown adults, even elders, finally understanding why they have been ostracized, dehumanized, exhausted, stressed, in pain all their lives. My mother, who turns 60 next year, only found out through me being diagnosed, that maybe she too has ADHD. This would explain so much of her struggles, both from herself and from society. The expectations put are inhumane and nearly impossible to hold up, and they keep getting worse.

To be a genZ and see older generations belittle us for speaking up and saying enough is enough is so enraging. Being called sensitive for not tolerating racist jokes, sexist remarks, priveleged behaviours, or inhumane political opinions just goes to show that humanity has failed as a species, and we *need* to change that.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talks. As a final statement, I'd like to speak on behalf of all autistics across the world with this; do not comment "is (he/she/they/it) accoustic?" if you, yourself, are not on the autism spectrum. It is so incredibly rude and disrespectful, and if you get angry whenever someone tells you so, you are the problem. Also, Asperger's is offensive. It's autism. Thank you, Goodnight.

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