#its so fucking depressing and lonely
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Istg if we don't get this chronic fatigue under control I'm gonna have to resort to some kind of substance abuse
#its so bad that im frequently just too tired to even sit up and watch a video or play a video game#ive missed so many writing club meetings because of the fatigue#literally only been able to participate in like... 2 events in the past two months. and 1 of them was literally just watching a movie#and i dont even have to go anhwhere or do anything for them. theyre all over discord. but STILL#im too tired for even that! its ridiculous! i need it to stop!!#i cant do anything or start any projects or do anything *new* because it will just immediately wipe me out#its so fucking depressing and lonely
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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I'm trying desperately hard to stay positive and not give into depressive thoughts but I feel very very stuck and like I'm making no progress ahhhhhhhh
#fucked up my whole summer and my academic career which is like the one thing that i feel gives me purpose#i just feel like im not smart anymore if i ever even was#i know im young and that its the depression brain talking but i feel like i have no future and that i've ruined any chance at feeling happy#im just sad and tired all the time. i really try not to be and i feel lazy and guilty about it#my SI is the worst it's ever been in my whole life and i think i genuinely might live like this forever#there's a lot of cognitive distortions going on i know that i know!!! i want to get better and be a functioning person#it's just so lonely and i feel like i can't talk to anyone abt it because i dont want to freak them out#and also i recognize how exhausting it can be to talk to someone who shuts down every piece of advice or suggestion with something negative#so tumblr gets my splurge lol
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ik im being mean and petty again even tho i just said i was gonna have an apple juice and a pastry but i feel so 🙄🙄 whateverrr... when people are like are you struggling with cleaning due to depression? try this trick! and the trick is ALWAYS a variation of "choose a relatively easy cleaning task you can do in 5-10 minutes and then just motivate yourself to do it because 5-10 minutes is fast". like ohh we are NOT operating on the same level of depression lol. you got no idea...
#97#if i could just choose to do shit despite the depression then it wouldnt really be that huge a deal right.#like if i just had to tell myself to do it real hard and then i could just do it do you think i would choose to live like this. be real!#i will on multiple occasions put my actual physical health in danger by not cleaning stuff that rly needs to be cleaned for WEEKS#and yes it would not take that long to do it regularly. probably 5 minutes!#but there will be black mold in my sink before i can somehow find it in myself to do anything about it.#liiiiike happy for you if your depression is not so disabling that you can just power thru it but theyre trying to get me an at home aid.#bc i am literally not able to care for myself. my health is completely shot bc i cannot do it.#i cannot remember the last time i at a real meal. or a vegetable.#sometimes i cant bring myself to walk 5 minutes to the convenience store for so long that i literally starve.#like ik ik not everyones experience is the same and its not like other ppls depression doesnt matter if they can do shit thru it its just.#it feels v. lonely and almost mocking to see it repeated ad nauseam how even other ppl supposedly suffering from the same shit#are not as completely fucked as i am
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW
#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG#(yes i know its the depression. whatever.)#i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either#and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!!#I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely#and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just#im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired#whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die#pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss#idk what this post is about#tbd
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starting to think I was put on this planet for a good time not a long time
#its funny because its true#tori spring#depression#i feel so lonely#ready to check out now#idk#i hate everything#sillyposting#funny#solitaire#random#everything is shit#everything fucking sucks#just sick of everything
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love paying thousands of dollars so I can sit in a lecture hall and over think my identity instead of maths
#its like. god idk. the more i think about it the more i feel like i have to accept that i am just aroace?#and the more i realise i really dont want that to be true?#it just. feels so fucking lonely#like. god.#all my friends are in relationships and im not. everyone was talking about childhood crushes yesterday and i just couldn't join in. we were#fillimg out these identity chart things and there just. wasnt an option for what i was#relationships are always going to be more important than friendships and that makes sense. i get that. but that also means im always going#to be lesser to someone else#like yes amato/allonormativity is bullshit and i shouldnt listen to it but. fuck its depressing feeling like im just missing a core part of#what makes someone a real person yk. it fucking sucks#like i think im already sensitive to that bc growing up trans and neurodivergent means i already feel like ive missed out on so many#milestones#and now i have this. and im always going to have this. and it fucking sucks#like idk!! i wanna date!! i want someone to care about me in that way!! but ill never be able to do that without feeling like im decieving#them so whats the fucking point yk!!#like im just overexaggerating the few hints of sexuality i have now to at least try to pretend i have one#because at least then i can be included in those conversations and not feel like a lesser person for those few seconds#but then it changes. and im back to feeling like a freak and half of a person !! and i feel like a freak and gross whenever i di exaggerate#my sexualoty at all so yk. no winning there ig#god idk#this got uh. more depressing than i thought#i think i just already feel lowkey like shit constantly so this just makes it worse?#idk. im too tired for this shit#thumbsup#i swear im normal
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to think that five years ago i didnt think id make it to college and now at 23 im making plans for the future? absolutely stunning
#god being a teenager fucking sucked balls#i literally love not being suicidal anymore its so great#theres hope and happiness#and there also dread but ive been there i know that i know it doesnt last forever#god i love being happy#k mumbles#if youre not happy rn: i need you to know it is so nice to be and it is worth waiting for#i know what its like to be deeply fundamentally sad and depressed and lonely and want to die#and to be out of that after years and years and years of it is insanely incredible#it is so worth waiting for and getting through all the shit for#its hard work but its worth it
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Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪
#trigger warning for everything that follows in these tags btw#i am in need of some venting into the void#so im gonna vent#so uh#im almost out of time to find a new job before i have to leave my flat and move back with my parents#in the past 27 days ive filled in 189 job applications#6 of those led to interviews#so far 5 of those have been rejections#i even started looking at jobs that paid way less than i can feasibly live on just so i could at least cover rent and stay here but no luck#anyway thats already sucky#and then ive had to go off my adhd meds because of continuous and annoying fuck ups with my drs and im hesitant to work to fix it cause#might be moving counties anyway lol#my depression is the worst its ever been in about two years i struggle to want to exist day in and day out and#this morning i found out my dog - my baby who i dont live with because i moved cities - he lives with my parents#we found out he has an agressive cancer - and i have to now make choices i dont feel ready to make#and im just#do you ever feel like youre already one the ground but life wont stop kicking you#and i feel#so lonely#my friends are doing everything right my cousin who i live with is always checking in on me and i am still#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i#my whole life is collapsing and i#even writing this all out in tags my brain is yelling at me for being an 'attention seeker' or smth and idk#i just wanna#idk#its complicated ig#im fighting#i am fighting so hard#i just want ppl to know im doing my best thats all#anyone who read all of this - hi - i hope youre having a beautiful day. its all going to be okay in the end 💛
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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fuck! its lonely as hell here. ive been bad at admitting it but i dont know if this is viable long-term unless i start making friends here or Really Really pouring into writing, which hasn't panned out and probably wont until i get back on antidepressants (oops! shouldn't have gotten off of them after all!). it was manageable when every single thursday i had therapy and i had an extremely regular calling schedule with other friends. but. fuck.
#i get that im depressed and kind of in a cringe era (no writing no accomplishments just working and going home etc)#but that doesnt mean i dont miss people when they stop calling#i Need connection. really badly. without connection i feel too numb to do anything.#and i need to start figuring out how to make friends here but its so fucking hard as an adult#ive lived here over a year. 6 months of that my brother lived with me and so it wasnt cripplingly lonely#but now....................#i need someone to live here. i think. like. its so Fucking lonely by myself.#but i just dont connect with a lot of the girls i match with#and the last one i connected with we had really big fundamental differences and i think we wouldve been bad for each other so i broke it of#have we considered im actually just an insecure awkward extrovert. have we considered that.
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god i hate my damn school 😭
#vicki's shit#like they find EVERY fucking reason to torture me its insane#and like make fun of my parents and my family#LIKE HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY FAMILY??#who are you to comment on that?#“she's only here cuz she has good grades and plays instruments” yes. yes i am#HAVE YOU BEEN PLAYING THE VIOLIN FOR 7 SEVEN FUCKING YEARS? HAVE YOU PATRICK??! DIDNT' THINK SO!#like im so sick and tired of adhering to the expectations that society has of me#like i will ALWAYS be the lonely depressed girl that doesn't wear makeup much and#doesn't have the money or the desire to buy chanel or whatever fucking brand and#has puffy hair and listens to weird music and doesn't have friends#like i have friends i think i have a really close one#but idk anymore#we used to be rly close- now they're slowly turning into one of THOSE girls and is invited to the parties i'm never invited to </3#its just hurts yknow?#it hurts knowing you'll never be like them#cuz it feels nice to be wanted#and i'm not.#anyways sry lmao#no ones gonna fucking read this lol#if you're here reading this thanks <3 and i love you
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vent
#im so fucking depressed#and exhausted#maybe its my period but fuck#i just ..#im so starved for affection and touch#im so lonely
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🐑
#im so upset that he decided that i did smt wrong again#and then just pulls away and stops talking to me#he's done that several times and its so frustratinf#g*#bc hes the most important person to me hes my fav#but he doesnt care abt meeeee lol he wants to talk to others but not me#anyways so yeah#this entire month.... we have exchanged like 4 messages#bc he didnt like smth on my blog then unfollowed me and now isnt replying :D#and i feel so lonely#yes i talk to others#the issue is .. im fucked up yes but he is the only one im like obssessed with#his messages makes my heart race#otherwise i just feel dead#but the entirety of may.. nada#and june is one year ago since we had out intense couple of months#that i miss bc when he gave me that and showed me my dream#i feel like im dying now when i cant have it anymore bc he stopped liking me#i just hate how he isnt talking to me#bc he is RUINING my mood#all i cant think abt is him and when it is bad between us i feel depressed af all day for weeks#he isnt healthy for me bc i need open and direct communication#and he doesnt give me any of that#i knoooow that he isnt right for me but i want him anyway oops
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