#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i

[caffeinatedmoth]

Ok preface I know that possessive behavior is a red flag but uh. I saw that your requests were open and I was wondering if I could please get some Lobo being a lil jealous and possessive over the reader.

Lobo x Reader

tw: swearing, alcohol, smoking, suggestive implications

a/n: love this prompt so i might be a walking red flag myself lol

“God, you cannot be serious.” you groan with disdain.

Before you was a run-of-the-mill bar, brimmed with noise and an odor that was downright foul. The large burly mass behind you places his hands on your shoulders, “Aw, c’mon, you’ve never been to this one.” Lobo takes a drag of his cigar before haphazardly flicking it out of sight and blowing a cloud of smoke into the air. Just as those words left his mouth a crash emits from the entrance of a bar. One of the drunks had stumbled out to pour his guts out onto the pavement.

You groan once more in protest, “Is that really supposed to convince me? I think the stench alone is a safety hazard.” you whine softly before covering your mouth and nose in your hands.

Lobo cackles, “You get used to it.” he begins to confidently stride past you, “Plus, has the Main Man ever steered you wrong?”

Begrudgingly you catch up to his heel and huff in response. “I could fill a room with how many terrible ideas you’ve had.” With a glint in his daring red eyes and wide grin, he reaches behind himself to pull you in front of him. Lobo then proceeds to throw you over his shoulder to sit, perched; a well practiced habit that you grew accustomed to.

“Argue all y’want, sugar. Y’know what that usually leads to…” 

His mischievous chuckle earns a frustrated sound and a tug of his hair, “Lobo!”

“Relax, babes, at least I’m payin’.” the large man is completely unfazed by your halfhearted attempts to hurt him as he continues to wear his wide grin.

You only grumble to yourself when you finally reach the bar. As crowded as it was Lobo manages to squeeze you two into seats furthest from the bathroom. The barstool was so worn out it groaned beneath the added weight. You made a mental note to burn these clothes later. In the corner of your eyes you spot a sea of creeps. However, you were quick to find comfort in the fact that they were clearly wary of who was in your company. Returning your focus to the barkeep you hear Lobo ordering himself something you assumed was whiskey. He turns to you and nudges your arm. You usually got something light, but tonight was different. Lobo only brought you out here for drinks because you had a terribly rough day at work.

You pick something that is sure to boost your confidence and get this party started. This doesn’t go unnoticed by your loud mouth boy toy. “That bad, huh?” 

The bartender is quick to return with your orders. “You have no idea. I am so calling in tomorrow. I’m doing way more than what I’m paid for and they know it! I mean this morning,” you begin retelling your horrible day to Lobo who was uncharacteristically listening without a word. If anything, he was watching you transition from a bundle of stress to a rather friendly little thing. It was somehow relieving to him to see you loosen up so much more than usual. Not that he would ever admit it, but he hated it when you would be so full of burden and barely allow him a windows view of your problems. Now you were suddenly telling him anything without much shame or thought for that matter.

“And that was the worst party I had ever gone to.” you take a swig of your drink, hardly tasting it anymore. Lobo throws his head back to laugh, “Haw! No wonder you quit tequila!”

A few stories and a few drinks later, you notice that you were well passed tipsy. Not that you minded at the time. Just as you were about to start another story, something catches your attention. It was a familiar rythme. The second it hits you, you gasp and turn to Lobo. “Holy shit I love this song!” Although you were slurring your words, you jumped right in. With caution to the wind you even leap onto the bar. It was much to his surprise, but he enjoyed your enthusiasm.

Your choreography was incredibly improvised and frankly, embarrassing. Regardless, everyone in the bar loved it and some even began to cheer for you. Involuntarily, Lobo mentally catalogs this song for later. For now he decides to enjoy the show and cheer you on as well. At some point the fun begins to end when a drunk pulls on your arm by your wrist and into his lap. Red eyes widen at your playful attitude as you respond by caressing their cheek and continuing to sing and laugh. As the song ends the bar erupts in laughter and euphoria. 

“And what’s your name, mister.” 

“You can call me daddy.” he winks at you, “How’s about you and I get outta here, sugar lips.”

You dizzily giggle at him, “Where’re we goin’?”

“A fraggin’ morgue if you don’t get yer paws off my things.” there was a noticeable path between the crowd that led to you both.

Lobo stood in front of you two, not the least bit impressed. In fact, his brows furrowed and he held a disgusted snarl. “Ha ha awkward.” you giggled despite the tension. Perhaps next time he'll just bring the drinks to your place. “Listen, ass-face, if I gotta repeat myself, I’m gonna mess you up so bad I’m gonna be scrapin’ yer veins from my fingernails for a week.”

The bar is silent as Lobo uses his size to loom over the drunk who began to visually shake. “Woah-!” you have to catch yourself on the floor as you are quickly pushed off of your cushion-y seat. The drunk nervously laughs, “My bad, man, didn’t know you had dibs.” he holds his hands up defensively. This did nothing to please the main man as his blood was still boiling. He probably wouldn’t be so upset had you been in your right mind. He knows you would have socked this scumbag in the face before calling to him if you were sober. Thankfully he knew he couldn’t really blame you for any of this no matter how much he wanted to. Didn’t stop him from taking his anger out on this dweeb however.

That said, Lobo uppercuts the guy through the ceiling. His ears twitch at the sickening crack upon impact. Nobody complains and nobody bats an eye. Like a hivemind, they go about their business, even as blood drips from the ceiling.

That was somewhat satisfying, he decided. Returning his sights back on you he's quick to lift you to your feet and into his arms. Considering you were still struggling to get up he figured this would be easier than waiting for you to sober up enough to walk. He was glad he could help you relax, but whatever had happened just then was not ideal. You two may not have been dating but in his eyes you were exclusive. He made sure you knew that with how many secret admirers he had to scare off these past few months. 

Lobo grumbles as he looks down at your flushed gaze. “Th-thanks, Big Guy.” you gently pat his bicep, exhausted, “Tonight was really fun.”

It relaxes him to see the tired smile on your face. His playful bad boy attitude returns, “Yer gonna pay for that lil show back there. Don’t go thinkin’ yer off the hook yet, sweetie bits.” He pays the tab and begins to head towards the door.

You snort at him, “Don’t tell me yer jealous.”

“I don’t like anyone touchin’ my stuff.” he retorts before throwing you over his shoulder and smacking your backside, as is tradition when you give him a headache. “Hm, dunno if I like bein’ called “stuff”.” 

“You’ll get over it.” You chuckle in agreement to that.

On the way home you manage to fall asleep before you even get to your street. Lobo puts you to bed and before his commitment issues make him leave, he takes a second to look at you. Only you would have the courage to fall asleep on the most dangerous bounty hunter in the cosmos. Something about that made him smirk to himself. Lobo leaves with a mental note to bother you in the morning.

[kagehime19]

Demons in my mind

Hurt, because I don’t know how comfort works

Thought of demons won’t shut up

Keep coming back and back

Pushing further and further

Convincing me

I am a horrible daughter

Person

Only thinking about myself

„Selfish you“ they say

„Hurting others by only thinking

talking

About yourself“

„Selfish me“ I start to think

„Only thinking

Talking

about me“

„I want other people to like me“

But I don’t want to force myself

My problems to them

They have anough of that themself

They don't need, don’t WANT mine too

„You are worth nothing in this world“

the demons say

„You talk to none

You don’t call your family

Your friends don’t call you.

Nobody cares if you disappear

Nobody will notice until it’s too late

Then you'll be gone

And no one will care“

Because I don’t know how to do

How to handle emotions

Don’t know what the hell is wrong with me

I want people to notice me

I am to scared being rejected

So I don’t try

Don’t hope

That there are people who like me

Because the demons, my own thoughts

Won’t let me.

So I look for the most dark and quiet corner

And cry silent all alone

So I won’t be a burden to the ones

I like.

[thelonecalzone]

weird questions for writers: 3, 10, 17?

Hi, tysm for asking!

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

The process might not be cursed, but the space is SO cursed. That quote about the two wolves? That’s my home office. One side is very work-oriented and reserved for my day job: clean desk, desktop computer with only a few tabs open, minimal additional adornment, a single precious potted plant. The other side? A horrible, uneven surface made of warped spare lumber and various boxes that act as table legs. Laptop from the dawn of time with 3500 tabs open. Cork board. Second Cork board. White board. Skeins of red yarn. Thumbtacks, sticky notes, it’s a real murder-she-wrote. Every day I perch my coffee mug precariously on a stack of books covered in those sticky tabs that mark out all the quotes I want to burden other people with, and get to work. I cross bits off my printed outline as I go, throwing everything into a single Google Doc where I use highlighted paragraphs to mark out the beginning and end of each chapter I’m currently working on. Yellow for the start of the chapter, green for the end. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how to create a linked index. (Experts, feel free to weigh in if you find this too disgusting to bear). The Cmnd+find function no longer works once I’ve reached a certain character limit, so I make sticky notes for myself (like a little Rennaisance-era scribe) of anything I want to call back to or bring up later in the story. Do I know that I can search straight in AO3 for terms/phrases/quotes? Yes. Do I do this? Of course not. I have one brain cell, and I use it to imagine gay things. This also means that I need absolute silence to write, not even a lo-fi study playlist in the background. I’m a cave-dwelling beasty and I require dim lighting, silence, and 3-5 cups of coffee to most deliciously enjoy my writing, which I spend around four hours a day doing, in hour-long chunks. I am a blight :)

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Yes! I am constantly haunted by writing, and in particular the writing of Shirley Jackson, Denusha Laméris, and Mary Oliver, to name a few. It’s usually poetry that sticks in my brain and follows me around, rather than bits from novels (though this has exceptions). Philip’s Birthday by Mary Oliver is one that I’ve currently been microwaving in my brain, and a poem by Kait Rokowski, (which I’m not sure has a name, so I’ll type it out below, it's short)—

I do not keep meat in my home

Because cooking soft flesh feels like

I am betraying my girlhood

I do not want to watch something so pink

Become appetizing

-Kait Rokowski

I think of haunting like “being followed”, or reminded of something at inappropriate times (while in a meeting, during a conversation about literally anything else, etc.), so writing that haunts me is often stuff that ends up walking around with me for years and years, even after I think I’ve forgotten about it. My own writing though? Nah, not really. I don’t think about my writing usually, unless I’m actively doing it, or trying to solve a problem in a story. 

(Also, I’ve gotten another request for this answer, so I’ll save a few haunts for that reply too).

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Hi, I’m here with the spicy, spicy cuts of TBSCM :) I’ve already spilled so much tea in the comments of the fic re: the various lit inspirations, so instead I will leave you a chunk of writing that will never make it into the fic because it was cut for time. It was one of the little pseudo-dates that would have happened when Patty came to visit Allison in Gorham. To set the stage: Allison convinces Patty that it's a good idea to go fishing at dusk in Moose Brook Park (with some equipment she’s borrowed from Irene’s late husband’s collection)—

Flickering blips of yellow light glint off the calm surface of the water as fireflies wander lazily over the lake. Allison sits next to Patty on the bank, growing more and more dismayed as she flips through the pages of The Complete Book of Fishing Knots, Leaders, and Lines by Lindsey Philpott. She’s searching for something that will hold a worm in place without her having to press the hook through its soft, red flesh. She looks down at the unhelpful index and sighs.

“What’s wrong?” Patty asks, taking a sip of wine from the flask Allison had stuffed into her purse before they left the apartment on this ridiculous fool's errand.

“I don’t…” She doesn’t have to finish the sentence for Patty to know what the problem is.

Patty dead-eyes her, groaning. “Seriously?”

“What!”

“This is so stupid,” Patty says, snatching the worm from her and stabbing the sharp end of the hook into it. The outer layer of skin breaks the way a grapeskin might—popping, oozing with its guts, a red smear dripping down Patty’s thumb as she rolls the worm up the shank as easily as she might do with a lifeless macaroni noodle. 

Allison grimaces… but she doesn’t look away. Something about watching Patty’s fingers deftly thread the worm’s body along the glinting metal transfixes her. 

Patty catches her watching, and she isn’t sure why it makes her own face burn with embarrassment. 

“Why do you know how to do that?” Allison asks, her eyes still glued to the wriggling worm, its blood oozing out onto Patty’s fingers.

Patty just shrugs, letting go of the hook abruptly so that it dangles there on the line between them, the worm wriggling helplessly, struggling. Patty wipes her fingers on the grass, then on her pants, gesturing for Allison to cast the line into the water. 

Allison looks away, but does as she’s told.

“What are you gonna do when there’s a fish on there?” Patty asks her.

Allison swallows hard. “I’m…”

Patty isn’t sure if it happens on purpose, but she feels the gentle pressure of Allison’s shoulder leaning against hers as they listen to the distant croak of the summer frogs bellyaching for each other in the weeds. Without another word, Allison reels in the line. She pries the worm from the end of the hook and lets Patty toss it away into the grass. She doesn't know what she would do if she actually caught something... but she's afraid she might discover that some twisted, buried part of her likes it too much. Better not to know, Allison thinks to herself. Better not to find out.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Kou [VAMPIRE ENDING]

ー The scene starts in the bedroom of the Sakamaki castle

Yui: Kou-kun...Please wake up. Answer me. 

( However, even if he does wake up, he no longer remembers me... )

( I’ll never...see him again. The Kou-kun I know and love is gone...! )

( Even so! I don’t want to lose you...! )

Kou: ...Nnh.

Yui: Kou-kun...?

Kou: Huh...? This voice? M-neko-chan...?

...I guess this is a dream. I abandoned you after all...

*Rustle*

Yui: Kou-kun...! You know who I am?

Kou: When that Shin guy dropped me from the cliff...I thought I was done for. 

I could no longer see myself as worthy of being by your side...

I was just sick and tired of how utterly useless I was...So...

Yui: That’s not true...! I was convinced you were still alive...That alone gave me the courage I needed!

I was able to push through, because I knew I couldn’t die just yet. I had to survive, so I could see you again. 

Kou: ...Someone’s value can’t be measured solely on gains and losses. It’s a bad habit of mine. 

The same happened when Yuma-kun gave me that sugar cube...I haven’t changed at all since then. 

But...Trust me when I say this. Despite all the horrible things I have done to you. 

I love you.

Yui: Kou-kun...!

Kou: You are my blue sky...Yui.

Yui: Me too...I love you! You’re my one and only blue sky!

*Rustle*

Yui: Kou-kun...?

Kou: ...

Yui: ( He fell asleep... )

( ...I’m sure the spell has yet to be broken. )

( During our conversation just now, it felt more like he was mumbling to himself, rather than responding to what I said... )

However, I don’t want to give up on him now...!

I don’t want to simply write it off as if the two of us are not meant to be and therefore it cannot be helped. 

...Wait for me, Kou-kun!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to outside of Eden

Yui: ( This is...Eden. A place regarded as special by all Vampires, and also where Karlheinz-san lives. )

*Knock knock knock*

Yui: ーー I’m Komori Yui. Please let me in. 

My apologies for the sudden visit. However, I came here with a very important request. 

*Knock knock knock*

Yui: Answer me...Please!

You know about everything...between us, right? Karlheinz-san!

*Creaaaak*

Yui: ( The gates opened...! Even though there’s nobody standing on the other side...He’s still watching me. )

( I’m a little scared but...I should keep my head up high. I’m not a Vampire. I’m here to talk to him as a human. )

ー The scene shifts to a mysterious place

Yui: ( The doors opened, as if they were showing me the way...Eventually leading me here. )

???: ーー Welcome to my castle. 

Yui: ...!

Karlheinz: Allow me to welcome you, Eve. I am Karlheinz, the owner of this castle.

Yui: ( This man is...Karlheinz-san. )

Karlheinz: I applaud you for finding your way over here. 

Yui: I persistently begged someone for the directions. 

Karlheinz: Hooh. And who would that someone be? 

Yui: ...I would not want to cause them trouble, so I cannot say. 

Karlheinz: I see...In that case, it cannot be helped. 

Yui: ( Although I’m pretty sure...He already knows that I had Yuma-kun and Azusa-kun tell me. )

Karlheinz: By the way, it appears that you came here for me, Komori Yui?

Yui: Yes. I came here because I have a request. 

Please return Kou-kun’s memories. 

Karlheinz: Why? 

Yui: I love him...from the bottom of my heart. 

Please give back our time spent together. Including all of the obstacles and struggles. Every moment is precious. 

Karlheinz: I erased them after he asked me to do so himself. 

Yui: ...He tried to face fate all by himself, became troubled and eventually found himself driven to the wall. 

However, he said he loves me as well. Therefore, I want to do things over again with the two of us. 

Karlheinz: Do you not find it selfish to beg for me to return his memories after I was asked to erase them not too long ago? 

Yui: Well...You are absolutely right. I am truly sorry. 

I came here so he would not have to burden everything by himself this time. I’m begging you, return his memories...!

Karlheinz: If you love him that strongly, then his loss of memories should not pose a problem. 

Yui: Eh...? 

Karlheinz: While his memories are gone, the essence of love should remain unchanged. In which case, you can simply fall in love once more. 

Yui: That’s...But. 

( Then all the memories Kou-kun has made so far would go to naught... )

( I want us to share all of the memories we had together...But, am I just being selfish by wishing that? )

???: ーー My friend. I believe you are being rather harsh right now. 

Yui: ( Whose...voice is this? )

???: Granted, I do agree that if their souls are still attracted to one another, it would be possible for love to blossom once more. 

However, time does not repeat itself. Nor does love. 

As the place and time will differ, I doubt they will be able to experience love in the same way. Which I find incredibly pitiful. 

Karlheinz: ...Good grief. When my best friend says that, I suppose I have no other choice. 

Please take this, Eve. These are Kou’s memories. 

*Woosh*

Yui: These are...Kou-kun’s...?

( So pretty...! It’s clear like a crystal ball...and bright blue. )

( I’m positive...This is Kou-kun’s actual spirit (1). )

ー She closes her eyes

Yui: ( When I close my eyes and hold it close...It almost feels like I’m touching Kou-kun himself. )

( All of my worries and sadness...They just melt and fade away. )

Thank you very much, Karlheinz-san...! 

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts back to the bedroom of the Sakamaki castle

Yui: H-Huh...!? 

( I could have sworn I was over at Karlheinz-san’s castle...When did I get here? )

...Right, I have to return Kou-kun’s memories. 

*Woosh*

Yui: Kou-kun...I got your memories back from Karlheinz-san. 

Inside of here are not only happy memories, but many bad or painful ones as well. 

It might be painful to recall those. ...However, don’t worry. I’m here for you. 

I want you to share your everything, both the happy and the sad, with me. ...Please. 

Nn...

Kou: Nn...

Yui: Kou-kun...

Kou: ...M-neko-chan. 

Yui: Kou-kun...!

Kou: What...happened to me again? I went to see Karlheinz-sama...and then.

Right! I...! I asked him to erase my...

Yui: Kou-kun...Do you know who I am? 

Kou: ...I do. I recognize you, Yui. 

Yui: Thank god...!

Kou: Don’t tell me...Did you bring me back...?

Yui: Welcome back, Kou-kun...! I missed you so much...!

Kou: But...There’s just no way. I ran away, leaving you behind. 

Yet...

Yui: There’s no longer any reason to run. 

Kou: Eh...?

Yui: Everyone’s safe and Karlheinz-san returned your memories. 

We’ve...received his blessings...!

Kou: I can...start over with you? Really? 

*Rustle* 

Kou: This feels like a dream...

Yui: It’s not a dream...!

Kou: I’m sorry...For leaving you behind. I truly am sorry. 

I won’t make that same mistake again. I won’t let you go...From here on out, I’ll stay with you forever and ever. 

Yui: Yeah. Don’t ever let go of me again...

Kou: I won’t. ...I promise. 

*Smooch*

ー The scene shifts to the garden

Ruki: ...Kou.

*Rustle*

Yuma: Caught eavesdroppin’ red-handed! Let us join in too. 

Ruki: Yuma. Azusa.

Azusa: Hey...Ruki? This means...That man acknowledged their relationship...right? 

Ruki: ...Yes, exactly.

ー Ruki walks away

Yuma: God, why can’t that guy be a lil’ more honest with himself? We all know he’s hella relieved inside. 

Azusa: ...This is for the best, right? 

Yuma: Who knows. I guess that all depends on what those two decide to do next? 

Azusa: I see...

Yuma: Yup.

Monologue

ーー Then, some time later. (2) 

ー The scene shifts to the hallway in Eden

*Ding・dongー*

Yuma: ーー Oh, it’s almost time. I don’t see that guy ‘round tho? 

Ruki: I can only assume he is watching somewhere. 

Yuma: ...Enjoyin’ the show from afar by himself, huh? Anyway, what ‘bout those Sakamaki’s? I thought they were invited as well? 

Ruki: They let me know that they will be absent. Asking if we think they are stupid enough to come and see their prey get coupled to some other guy.

Azusa: Even though...We fought alongside each other against that Founder back then...Remember? 

Ruki: I assume they only fought to preserve their own pride back then, rather than to protect her. 

Yuma: I didn’t fight to save the Sow’s ass either. 

Azusa: Then...Why? 

Yuma: Isn’t that obvious? For my family...For my brother. 

Azusa: Right...Me too. 

Ruki: Look. The stars of the show have arrived. 

On certain CGs, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“You’re so beautiful! I almost want to show you off to the whole world and brag about how you’re MY bride! Thank you so much for choosing me...I will treasure you for life.”

“I better pull myself together as well! So I can properly protect you from here on out. ...And off course, any new members we might welcome into our family in the future as well. Get it~?”

Azusa: They seem...human. 

Yuma: Uwah! I just can’t with those get-ups. 

Ruki: I suppose the right clothes can make anyone look good.

Yuma: Who are you talking ‘bout then?

Ruki: Both of them, obviously. 

Kou: Um...I have a feeling that those three guys at the bottom of the stairs are not holding anything back. 

Yui: I’m sure they’re commenting on how handsome you look. 

Kou: No way, not a chance! They’re probably making fun of us.

Yui: The four of you are so close. ...I’m a little jealous. 

Kou: What are you saying? Of course, I treasure my brothers a lot, but you’re more special than anyone else. 

Being able to have a wedding ceremony with you like this feels like a dream come true. 

Yui: Geez, Kou-kun. How many times do I have to tell you this is not just a dream? 

Kou: From here on out, I want to continue turning our dreams into reality...

Yui: We can. As long as we’re together. 

Kou: Yeah. The two of us together. 

*Ding・dongー*

Yui: In sickness and in health...

Kou: Until death do us part. ...No.

Even if death tries to separate us...I won’t give up on you so easily again. 

I will vow my eternal love to you ー Until the very last second. 

I love you. 

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) The word 心 or ‘kokoro’ has many different meanings such as ‘heart’, ‘mind’, ‘spirit’ or ‘soul’. 

(2) 後日or ‘gojitsu’ literally means ‘in the future’ or ‘another day’ without being specific about how much time has happened. 

[capricious-and-caprine]

16 March 2023

I am rereading a book I read in secondary school, 'My Heart and Other Black Holes.' It inspired my anthology, 'Love and Other Ephemera'. I don't think I should share this because, you know, people might steal the idea. Which implies my ideas are worthy of being stolen. Tee hee.

I read over 200 books during my stay at secondary school. Often I was awarded the most books borrowed. I was close with our librarian. She died. I had the privilege of attending her funeral as part of the SSLT. When this was announced, I was warned beforehand - back then, even my headmistress knew how vulnerable I was. I'm pathetic.

I want to be more truthful, yet I have already overexposed myself. Therapists, teachers, pastors, neighbours, family members, and friends - all burdened with the knowledge of my problems. I tell them half-truths, like my environment, my relationship with my mother, or my fear of being misperceived. I know these contribute, but they are only part of the reason. I get impulses. Violent impulses. I can ignore them: like I should ignore my cramped council estate flat, my mother's cruel words, or the eyes that linger on me on the street. I could. I could. I could. What would my reasoning be, then? I want to? That's it? Even if I was telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, it would be futile. I know less myself. I cannot decipher emotions. That is a lie. I can, but I need to convince myself of the reasons. If I cannot persuade myself, I do not understand, and it does not compute. I decide things without telling people. I skip steps. I do not take caution.

I consider the consequences; I want to squander my life away. It is too late, anyway.

[aevallare]

“ don’t pretend like you understand. “ from the prompts list ?

hiiiii sorry i took forever!!! have a retelling of probably the worst night of jayce's life as an apology?? :grimace: hope you enjoy!

tw: angst, suicidal thoughts, canon-typical jayce stuff

-

It would be easy.

Jayce’s left foot braves the ledge. Rubble rustles around it. His life is over anyway; what difference does it make if he’s breathing or not? They’ve taken his work. He’s been expelled. He hasn’t been exiled, but he’s been remanded to the care of his mother (who he loves, still, but he’s a grown man with dreams).

Or maybe that’s past tense. He was a grown man with dreams. Now he’s–

What is he?

He’s nothing, maybe. Nothing. And that’s why this is the right choice – because Jayce can’t live a second longer with the burden of being nothing when only a few days prior the world was spread out before him, asking to be taken.

One step, and he never has to worry about anything again.

Jayce closes his eyes.

“Am I interrupting?”

The words startle Jayce back from the leap he has only just convinced himself to take. He recognizes the accent, and when he whips around, breathless from anticipation and adrenaline, Jayce says, “What the hell’s your problem?”

The dean’s assistant raises an eyebrow but doesn’t look up from the book that’s open in his hands. Jayce’s lips part; he’d be a fool not to recognize his own journal.

“Could ask you the same,” the other man says, closing Jayce’s journal finally and looking up at him. “Would be a shame for you to kill yourself when you’ve got such good work in here and a pleasant face to look at as well.”

It’s an unfathomably cruel thing to say. Jayce tilts his head to the side in awestruck shock. “Why are you even here? There’s nothing else that you or Professor Heimerdinger or the Academy can take from me.”

He makes an expression that Jayce can’t quite place, though there’s a trace of regret in it. This man’s presence doesn’t change that Jayce has nothing left.

“Were you really going to jump?” he asks, sidestepping Jayce’s question to walk forward and pick up Jayce’s bracelet, delicately not touching the sealed envelope next to it. He rubs his thumb over the rune in the middle, and Jayce turns back to look out over the city.

“Yes,” Jayce says. “I was. I don’t think there’s anything else to live for.”

“Hm.” The man hums noncommittally. Behind him, Jayce can hear his cane against the floor. The only other sound is the wind whipping outside. Eventually, he’s at Jayce’s side. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt my situation was so dire. I can’t say I miss it.”

Something about his flippant tone pushes Jayce to passion. “Don’t pretend like you understand. I’ve lost my entire life’s work.”

“It’s a shame,” the man says, Jayce’s journal open in one hand again, the other still holding his bracelet. “It’s good work. I really think you’re onto something, though you seem uniquely narcissistic. Did you have to sign every page?”

The jibe rolls off Jayce; the rest of what the man says is bewildering. “No one at the trial believed what I said.”

“Well, it sounds unbelievable, your hextech theory–”

“It’s not a theory,” Jayce snaps, and the man smirks like that’s exactly the reaction that he wanted.

“No one ever believed in me either,” he says, an easy look on his face. The wind catches his hair, and Jayce isn't sure why he notices. “I was just a nobody from the undercity with a sharp mind and an uncooperative body. Piltover tried to keep me out from the moment I stepped across the bridge. But I believed in myself, and that was enough.”

“No one thinks it can be done,” Jayce says, but the excuse feels weak.

“You do,” he says, “And so do I, if you’d let me help.”

Who is he? He is no doubt remarkable in a multitude of ways; Heimerdinger wouldn’t take on just anyone as his assistant, much less someone from the undercity.

“We’ll never be able to get clearance–” Jayce starts, and the man shakes his head, undeterred, before holding out Jayce’s bracelet.

“When you’re going to change the world, don’t ask for permission,” he says.

Jayce hesitates, his hand hovering over the bracelet, deciding whether or not to take it (whether or not to live.) Does he even have the capacity for hope?

Maybe not. But he’s been making poor decisions for a long time. He can afford another. His fingers wrap around the bracelet, and he clenches it tightly.

“I don’t even know your name,” Jayce says, chuckling in disbelief.

The man smiles, satisfied, and says, “It’s Viktor.”

[tomhiddelstonandzaynmalik]

Love at first sight?

Chapter 5

Warren Worthington III x Reader

Word count: 1340 words

Warnings: Language, suicidal thoughts.

prologue chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4

"[...] I wish I was a heavenly angel

For I would always cling to my sword

But I am no heavenly angel

Hence I must fight the pain of my fault [...]".

-Heavenly Angel by an unknown author.

"Don't you have a life or something?". Warren teased Hank. It was 3:49 AM when the young man awoke from his slumber. "Not really, thanks to you". Hank's intentions had been good. To return the teasing only. But the purpose got lost when he saw Warren looking down in shame, shifting in bed as he seemed to try to make himself disappear.

It was a touchy subject for him, Hank had forgotten. He knew just how much he felt like a burden to everyone at Xavier's. It was clear Warren was not much of a talker himself. But when those sleepless nights came, where he would jump out of bed covered in sweat and breathing harshly after a particularly awful nightmare, that the idea of staying awake with his companion was more inviting than to go back to his made-up Hell.

Only then Hank had learned about the extravagant life, filled with luxurious items and exotic vacations Warren had grown in. Hank also found out about Warren's handsome but cold-hearted-control-freak father, about his loving but impotent mother, about what it was to have it all only for it to be having it taken away. The lonely days and lonelier nights that followed after, the age-inappropriate behaviours, one bad decision after another, and mostly, Hank realized just how worthless the "poor rich kid" deep down felt.

"It makes no sense". Warren said softly, looking down at the cup of freshly-made tea he was holding in his hands. "What?". The older man asked him while pouring some of it on his mug. "Me! Me being here makes no sense!", "I'm nothing but an inconvenience". Warren let out with sight. Although he was referring to him being at the mansion, the hidden meaning of it sent a shiver through Hank's spine. "Hey, stop saying that! You are NOT an inconvenience, Warren. You should be here!". Said Hank as he got closer to the boy, placing a reassuring hand onto his shoulder. There was some absolute concern in Hank's voice as he saw a glimpse of a tear peeking through Warren's eyes. "Oh! bullshit!". "You more than any other person should be pissed off with me!". "You're working extra hours on a lost cause!". Hank's heart hunched. It was true Hank had been depriving himself a lot so Warren could have the best treatment. Yes, he attempted to kill him and his friends before. But the more time he had spent with the kid, the more he had realized: Warren had been a pawn, manipulated only by the true villain, Apocalypse.

"Hey! Look at me, Warren." He said firmly. "Yes, you are right. I should be taking better care of myself. But I'm only doing so because I'm not willing to slow down until you're heald". He said, with such convincement, it made Warren believe there could be someone being finally genuinely kind to him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I- I was only, umm, you know it was just a joke, right?". Hank nervously stated. "Sure, man". Even though Warren seemed to pay no mind towards Hank's comment, his voice had failed him, having it come out on a lower pitch rather than his usual vigorous one.

in an attempt of changing the topic, Hank pointed at your still sleeping figure. "So... An old friend of yours?".

It was somehow painful for Warren to see you there, resting at the infirmary room connected to all those noisy machines. In the end, your near-death encounter, in theory, had been Warren's fault. Hank's question had rumbled within the blond's mind. You weren't friends. He didn't even know your name. And honestly, he was more preoccupied with the atrocious first impression he believed he'd made in front of you. "You are the biggest idiot on earth if you think she'll ever want to even see you after what you've put her through". Warren's inside voice scolded him.

"No". The young mutant finally answered. "oh! I see". Hank teased again. Even though what Hank was implying: The real reason You were there was because of Warren's attraction to You, was nothing but the truth. Warren couldn't stop the blush from tinting his pale cheeks." It's not what you think, okay!". "Well, your face says otherwise, Romeo". The older man was grinning at him in amusement. "Shut up!". Warren's effort of sounding threatening failed due to his face heating up impossibly harder. His natural porcelain-white face was now a deep shade of red, making his facial tattoos stand out even more. Hank was having the time of his life. While Warren was acting like a teenage boy, he couldn't stop the laughs from coming out. "You done?". Warren said from behind one of the wings he'd been using as a cover. "Hey, take it as payback from running away".

"[...] I wish I was a heavenly angel

For my heart shall always be in joy

But I am no heavenly angel

Hence I must behave just like a boy".

The atmosphere remained comfortable. After an hour or so, Warren fell asleep again, not after convincing Hank to do the same. Who after, some reluctance, finally gave in and left to his room.

"Wakie, wakie, sleeping beauty". A hoarse grunt came from Warren's sleeping form as Ororo was poking his cheeks to get his friend out of Morpheus' grip faster. "Come on, Dollface. You have to get out of bed! It's almost 9 PM!". "What the hell?" Warren shifted in bed, reading the big clock on the wall. "You little shit, it's only 9... AM!".

Ororo's giggles were resounding through the room. "Oops". "Well, now that your up, we might as well get breakfast. Don't you think?". He was going to argue about how unholy early his friend had decided to show up when his stomach gave him in. It had been more than 18 hours since the last time he'd eaten, which was why he decided to let it slip. "Fine! But you'll have to give me your bacon to make up for waking up a man who almost died in a fire at 9 AM".

"Yeez, you sure are a Drama Queen, Warren". Ororo was walking toward your bed, peeping at the monitors. "Hank said she was the one who got it bad". "Your problem was only exhaustion, which reminds me of: Hank told me, to tell you that you're free to go".

Warren zoned out the moment Ororo mention you. Under the morning's light, it was easier for him to examine You. Your H/C locks were stiff from all the dirt and ash from the fire; Your face, which had been whipped clean when you arrived, allowed him to scrutinize every inch of it. Nothing was going unnoticed. Even the tiniest of your scars located under your left brow had been seen. He was so lost on himself taking your features in he'd forgotten he was in the middle of a conversation. "Earth calling Fallen Angel, do you copy, Fallen Angel?". Ororo raised her voice. "Uh? Yes, what?". "Dear Lord, you didn't hear a thing, did you?". Ororo was irritated but decided against scolding Warren. Him showing interest in people was an odd sight. "I said if you wanted me to get you your breakfast so you could spend more time with her before your appointment with The Professor?". He only wished his friend wasn't able to see his excitement from such an offering. "That would be ni-, wait which appointment?". "What? Your pigeon brain didn't register that either? The Professor said he had something to tell you. Be at his office at 11 sharp". After that, the girl stormed off the room while yelling something along the lines of "not being people's secretary".

It had been only then, as he stood in the middle of the room when Warren heard a muffled voice behind him.

"I'm I dead?" You said.

[dwlrmoon]

Astrological Analysis: I.M "Duality"

An astrological analysis of I.M's solo album "Duality" & how his astrological placements manifest through the songs. Changkyun said that he poured his entire soul into this album, so I thought it'll be really cool to dissect the songs in the astrological lens because I'm in love with his artistry.

REMINDER

Observed & analyzed through western tropical astrology; we are missing information due to lack of confirmed birth time, so I can only deliver using the traditional 7 planets (mainly the personal chart) without a house system.

DUALITY

Having the album entitled "Duality" with songs expressing this topic (esp. the title track) reminds me of his Aquarius placements, mainly the Sun. I.M has his Sun in detriment, meaning that his Sun is "weak" or uncomfortable in that sign. As the sister sign of Leo, Aquarius symbolizes celebrities, fame, the star in tarot, as well as hopes & dreams. Aquarius can represent notoriety & infamy while simultaneously having the stereotype of the loner or outsider, not wanting to be perceived or "understood."

Using traditional rulership, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. If Capricorn rules authorities & conformities, Aquarius is the rebellious younger sibling refusing to conform & rather revolt, deviating from the norm. I.M placed his artistry in precedence; convincing SSE to use God Damn as the title track despite the profanity requiring him to release this album digitally in addition to him creating the tracks in his own style that may or may not be in line with k-pop or Monsta X.

GOD DAMN

In true I.M fashion the song & MV are very concupiscent, & since I already talked about the duality that is expressed through this song, let's talk about the MV specifically. Pisces rules escapism & addiction & his Pisces Venus was very on brand to go with alcohol as the imagery of getting high to hide from his frustrations. This piece is highly self-reflective & he encourages listeners to read between the lines, it's quite Saturnian in nature. I also love how the lyrics have that duality of hating & loving whoever/whatever that is ruining/comforting him—I really associate this with his Martian Moon (him assigning Misbehave as the song that represents him is so... Aries Moon).

HOWLIN'

No more taming 'bout my color I swing 'till I get, what’s the problem? Problem I ain't follow simply what I see I go follow what I need 'Cause I see that I'm loyal Imma go on my speed, even I'm slow

The 1st verse reminds me a lot of his Saturnian + Martian energy—no more wanting to be someone he's not, doing his own thing without care of what others may think. However, the last 2 lines really highlight the fixed modality of his Aquarius: I love that he says he's loyal even if he goes on his speed which can be slow; he doesn't care as long as he gets there.

I don't celebrate 'till I make it till the end Ain't time for the 'hol up' You want me be a shade but I'm made for a big wave Ain't time for the 'hol up'

This song has a lot of Saturnian themes esp. the chorus. It reminds us that Saturn rules time—he doesn't succumb to the challenges & distractions or "hold ups," rather focusing on his goal & only celebrating once he reaches the mountaintop. Saturn is karmic, it takes its sweet time to give you your rewards that you must work laboriously for. He knows he's made for something bigger (Aquarius), & with his perseverance (fixed), determination & passion (Aquarius Mars + Aries Moon), he will be rewarded despite all the struggles (Saturn).

Don't call me, I'm drivin' I just wanna keep on ballin’ Even though when you are hatin’ Woah Grab me when I'm fallin’ 'Cause I make myself so lonely You know that I'm howlin'

However, Saturn can be extremely isolating & Aquarius is akin to the underdog. Of course we don't know where his placements are, but his Pisces Venus contributes to that isolation. He feels lonely & he knows that, but he inevitable makes himself lonely which Aquarius natives can do when they develop that mentality of me v.s. the world sometimes. Keep in mind that Aquarius rules community yet the outsider, showcasing that wanting to be alone while wanting someone to be there for him. Saturn is burden & he's a lone wolf used to being alone carrying all that burden himself.

BURN

The night has become cold and now it's a meaningless fight I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Endless shot, let me head to the top I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Burn the accumulated emotions, burn Burn everything without leaving anything, burn

An Aries Moon anthem? I find that Aries placements love having fire/burning imagery if not in their songs then in their MVs. Aries is Martian, cardinal & fire by nature, which means that Aries Moons may get irritated fairly quickly—a quick temper? But they get over it super quickly, kind of like blowing off steam & then letting it go right after. The Moon rules our emotions, & I think the lyrics speak for itself here. The allusion to the fight is very Martian as well.

I'm mixed and complex, yeah I don't know myself well, eh Yesterday I couldn't empty it out, yeah I'd rather burn it, yeah The tears that fell are oil Make the flame burn higher Pour it out, no more regrets Burn it all up and high, yeah

I really enjoy I.M's introspective & intrapersonal nature; he always says he doesn't know himself well & accepts that rather than fighting it. He accepts all facets of himself, & that's very refreshing. The 2nd verse made me chuckle a little bit because the first 2 lines look Aquarius while the rest is Aries. Not to mention he has an Aquarius Mars conjunct Sun, so, more Martian energy there. Cardinal + Martian give me that attitude he portrays very well in this song—throw some more oil, let it burn more so that there'll be no regrets. Another Aries placement who wrote something like this? Yoongi.

HAPPY TO DIE

I could die right now, yeah I can never lie, yeah You bring me to sky Let me be yours till I die When you say goodbye, yeah Bury me on your heart, yeah Don't you say that word Could you keep it till I die? You brought me back to the real love I wanna get lost here forever

There is so much to unpack in this little song... The chorus is a mixture of Saturnian commitment & Aries headstrong, passionate reckless energy motivated by his romanticist Pisces Venus. The title itself, the whole concept of this song, is fundamentally Pisces (his DSC would be really cool to talk about here, if we had the birth time, but we don't, so).

We're childish like we were when we used to play back then I let go of rationality as if I'm drawn by the wind I don't know what this feeling is Even if I try to pretend I don't know, everything seems to be obvious, yeah I don't know, I like it the way it is I don't know me well, I don't know I guess it's not a lie that I really like you I'm happy to die right now

Verse 1 truly has my heart in a grip. He has a rational & intellectually-minded Saturnian Mercury & Sun, yet once he's in love he gets enamoured & childish, rendered completely irrational. It's giving me Aries meets Pisces—of the moment, idealistic, just overwhelming emotions taking control of his Saturnian mind, which I find funny because he has Moon square Mercury.

Things of mine might go away and shape Will just change, but don't you change When I'm low, could you make me not alone? I could die right now if we were just this crazy about each other

Pisces is sentimental & can represent past lives, that feeling of being stuck in the past? Pisces Venus is visionary & idealistic, they're more in love with the idea of love than love itself sometimes. Here we see that theme of isolation again, his Aquarius could play a role here, but his Pisces placements are also desperate to be loved. The last line, like said before, is utterly Pisces because Romeo & Juliet is known to be a Pisces type of relationship, plus with that Aries Moon... it just makes sense since Aries Moons love the rush & passion.

시든 꽃 FLOWER-ED

Somehow I have no strength to resist I stay right where I am It's not like I'm longing for someone But I'm standing there

Personally loving how his songs gradually grow more & more Piscean? The overwhelming emotion of yearning with no one to long for is so Pisces/Jupiterian Venus in general. Like I said, they're idealistic & in love with the idea of love more than anything—not the happy kind of love either. I notice that Jupiterian Venuses play with the theme of wanting a lot, mainly because they are ruled by the planet of expansion. Distance is a huge theme in Jupiterian signs, & they idealize that.

When you step on me like it's nothing I desperately want you to come back and hug mе I deeply remember your smilе that laughed at me While I was being illuminated by you

Because Pisces placements love the idea of love & the feeling of longing for someone they can get into the habit of sacrificing themselves, hence their association with the hanged man in tarot. They are too focused on the fantasy of love to take off their rose tinted glasses.

I don't really blame you I know your days by my side Have faded away Please don't disappear, oh

The hand that held me, the eyes that captured me are all blind The scattered hands, the shining eyes are gone

I don't know what else to say here, like, I think you guys understand how these verses really depicts his Pisces Venus very well... With a Venus conjunct Saturn it can really emphasize isolation & rejection as well—this aspect feels like they are deprived of love, so they crave it desperately even if it hurts them which is a theme of Pisces. Him titling this track "withered flower" in Korean is so Pisces Venus of him overall.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.

[x0401x]

Violet Evergarden Short Story

Please feel free to message me about possible corrections. If you can, consider supporting the creators by purchasing the official releases. In case anyone is feeling generous: Ko-fi | PayPal. ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

The ingredients that led me to my current self were:

A teaspoon of queen’s pride.

Two tablespoons of love for my husband, a one-sided feeling now required.

Plenty of tears shed in a forest capital where I had no supporters.

Mix the tear batter with the stubbornness of a princess from the country of white camellias, then put it in the oven. Once it bakes until it becomes tough enough to give one a hard time cutting it even with a knife, it is done. No one can tear a bite off it so easily.

My adult self was reborn this way.

But then, what about her? I wondered what kind of adult my favorite girl was by now.

Just as I was curious about this, good news arrived.

   The Queen and the Auto-Memories Doll

   The marauder came around the time when the red roses were in full bloom.

Said doll, whose lustrous golden hair fluttered in the wind, had jewel-like blue eyes that nailed people down. A dignified young woman, intimidated by nothing. That was the kind of marauder she was.

If I were to talk about my relationship with her, it would be a long story. If I were to explain it leaving out the many stories that happened between us, I would probably say that she was a key figure who became the mediator of my love story in the past, as well as an Auto-Memories Doll engaged in the ghostwriting business at a certain famous postal company.

Although she was the kind of girl who seemed like she could live in solitude forever, she was different when she appeared before me.

“It has been a while, Lady Charlotte.”

I had invited her into our kingdom as a guest of honor because I heard that she was taking a long vacation and traveling around the world – so the passage of time could change people this much.

“I will rush to anywhere that my clients desire...”

The girl, who used to be so ephemeral in the past, had grown up and brought a man to accompany her on the journey, so was it not fitting to call her a marauder? At the very least, she had opened an air hole in my unchangeable royal palace life.

“No, pardon me. This is Violet Evergarden on break from duty, Your Majesty, Queen Charlotte.”

I whispered with the dignified gaze and voice tone of a queen, “It’s been a long time, ghostwriter. No... Violet. Thanks for coming even though you’re on vacation.” I then fixed my stare on the man standing next to Violet.

My adorable ghostwriter possessed a beauty that shone distinctly even in within the palace, which congregated fine-looking women. Therefore, it would not be strange at all if she eventually had a deep relationship with some gentleman, but by no means could I tell if he had that sort of relationship with her.

He greeted me after Violet. Apparently, his name was Gilbert Bougainvillea.

“What’s the relationship between you two?”

As I asked straight to the point, Violet and Gilbert looked at each other’s faces.

Violet then opened her mouth, “He is my former superior officer.”

“So you are related through work.”

“Yes, but I am no longer registered in the military, so maybe I should say that he is my benefactor, whom I am on close terms with nowadays...”

“So you’re close to your benefactor... enough to go on a trip with him, huh.”

“Well...”

Perhaps unable to precisely define her relationship with him, Violet fell silent. But from this, I was able to catch the glimpse of a womanly shyness that I had the feeling I had gone through before.

“The word ‘benefactor’ alone indeed does not cover it.”

“Dear me.”

“I would like to use a more suitable word if there was any, but even I, who work with ghostwriting, do not know an appropriate term for it...”

“Hum, Violet, I’m sorry.”

“‘Reverence’ is not enough and ‘adoration’ might be too trivial...”

“I’m sorry; you can stop there. He’s also embarrassed. You don’t want other people to ask too much about those things, right? It’s under development, isn’t it?”

He smiled, seeming a bit awkward. He was an adult man but looked slightly childish when smiling.

——Isn’t he a fine man?

Hair the color of dusk, blessed physique and virile facial traits. There was some elegance in him. His looks had a male allure that was capable of exhilarating the courtiers of the palace.

——Such a pretty emerald iris.

He was a stunning man. The look in his eye was grievous and had a darkness to it. A mysterious man with an eyepatch. The hardships that he had been burdened with until now oozed out of him. His scent was different from the one of the palace’s knights, but I could feel a similar air coming from him. His build seemed reliable, which looked even more remarkable as he stood next to Violet. I wondered if he had not been quite the pretty boy in his younger years.

He appeared to be apart from Violet in age. I suddenly recalled that I had asked her in the past about what she thought of age gaps between men and women.

——Did she not say no back then because of her relationship with him?

I had many guesses, but I did not voice any of them. I was an adult now.

“Erm, there was an introduction before you came into the room, but I’m going to introduce myself again. I am Charlotte Abelfreya Fluegel. The queen of this country.”

I was Charlotte Abelfreya Drossel before. My lips were finally used to the greeting ever since my name had changed. Even so, I did not want Violet to call me a queen.

“Violet, you put the title of honor ‘Your Majesty the queen’ on me earlier, but you can refer to me in the same way as before. I want you to do that.”

“Is that not disrespectful?”

“It isn’t. I’m asking for it, after all.”

Silence.

“I will punish anyone who opposes to this. Got it, Violet?”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

Right, that was better. After all, when you called me that, I could feel as if I had returned to the times when I was in my homeland where white camellias bloomed. I asked the same thing out of Mr. Bougainvillea, but he refused it due to it being discourteous. Well, this was our first meeting, so maybe there was no helping it.

   After that, Violet and I were left on our own. Mr. Bougainvillea took his leave, saying that we must have had things to talk about. I also drove all of the ladies-in-waiting out of the reception room and was at last actually able to breathe.

The suffocation I felt from my daily life in the royal palace did not come only from wearing a corset. When I thought that there were no longer any stares keeping watch on us, I made merry like a little girl.

“Violet.”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

“Violet, Violet! You’ve become an adult, huh!”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

We had first met when we were both girls, so when we reunited, I could feel as if we had gone back to those days. But I did not know if she, who was always expressionless, was happy about it, yet just when I thought this, Violet’s lips were faintly forming an arc.

——My, she laughed.

Much too surprised, I forgot about conducting myself like a queen and opened my mouth wide. “Violet! You...!” I touched her cheeks with both of my hands.

I should not be doing something like that to her, as she was a lady and no longer a girl, but I felt like confirming if such a natural smile was not my hallucination. I kneaded her cheeks pliably. Violet let me do as I pleased.

“Lady—Char—lotte—” Violet spoke, sounding like having her cheeks kneaded was inconvenient.

——How soft; so you had such soft cheeks? No, more importantly...

“Wh-Wh-What’s gotten into you? You’re the one who pinched your cheeks saying you couldn’t smile that one time!”

“My per—formance has im—proved.”

At first, I could not catch what she was saying very well. “My performance has improved”. After ruminating for the words in my head, I finally understood it.

“Huhu—hahaha!”

This mood. This sensation that almost felt like a toy doll was talking to me. I could actually feel that, yes, Violet was indeed in front of me.

Overjoyed, I let out a high-pitched laughter, just like a little girl. Then, I took Violet’s hand. I squeezed it tight, putting into it my sentiment of deep affection for her, the possessor of mechanical arms. “Hey, I’m truly happy to see you. Have you been doing well?”

“Yes. Lady Charlotte, you also appear to be in good health.”

“I became a bit of an adult too, right? How do I look?”

“Yes, you have become an adult woman.”

When I said that I was currently pregnant, Violet blinked, and then told me to “please sit down”. Her attitude was as if she were protecting me almost like a knight. But I shook my head. I invited her to a stroll. Once I told her that walking a little was best for a mother’s body, as expected, she offered her arm in a knightly manner and escorted me.

That part of her had not changed.

“My husband is in the middle of government affairs, but you should be able to see him tonight.”

As there was also the fact that I was carrying the child of King Fluegel, I had changed residences from the royal palace and was resting in the royal villa for now. A garden spread out outside of the villa, which was a good place for a walk.

In Fluegel, nicknamed the Forest Kingdom, both the royal palace and the land surrounding it were enclosed by trees and green meadows. The garden also had a feel unlike that of Drossel, its atmosphere somewhat idyllic. If I were to describe just the environment, I would say that it was a nice place for children.

“A dinner party... is too ceremonious, so I’m thinking of just having a banquet in the royal villa. You’ll stay over, right? I also want you to meet Lord Damian...”

Violet’s eyes went left and right, as if searching for vestiges of Mr. Bougainvillea, who was nowhere to be found. “If that person says it is all right...”

He was supposed to be having a tour around the palace’s interior with the chamberlain by now. I had told the latter to convince him to agree, so there would likely be no problem. The chamberlain was a capable person.

“Please. Just one day is fine. One day is fine, so... Violet, I want to spend it with you.”

“Will you not be bored in my company?”

“No way. If I were, I wouldn’t have told you to ‘come here because I want to see you’.”

“Are you still unused to life here?”

“Yeah, I have clashes from the smallest to the biggest things. It’s gotten better in comparison to the beginning of my marriage, but in the end, I’m all alone in this country. It’s probably hard for you to understand how happy it makes me to be able to see a face I know... but I’m really glad.”

Hearing these words, Violet made a face that looked like she was giving it a thought. “Will you not summon Madam Alberta?”

Alberta was the woman who had influenced my life the most – the courtier who had acted as my foster mother. She was also in the position of chief of the ladies-in-waiting, so she could not go so easily to the princess who had married off to a different country.

“I’d like to. Lord Damian is making sure that she’ll come if my child is born safely. After fulfilling my role as a queen, I can finally... finally ask for what I want.”

“So it could be said that the more valuable the person’s circumstances, the more inconveniences they face.”

“Yeah. Besides, Alberta probably doesn’t want to be away from her country...”

“It did not seem like it to me. Though this is my own speculation.”

“Is that true...? Hey, speaking of which, you were in Drossel before coming here, right? Why did you go see Alberta before coming to me? Was it a geographic issue? Did you have plans to come here?”

“No, we did not have plans to come to Fluegel.”

My mouth distorted. Were my feelings unilateral? That was what I thought, but as she added, “It would be a problem if civilians carefreely came to visit someone from the royal family”, I was at a loss for words. It was just as Violet said.

She said with a face that feigned ignorance at my complicated maiden heart, “In a way, there is a reason. Madam Alberta once interceded for me to take the job of private tutor of a certain lady from the nobility, so I also went to the royal palace in order to report it to her.”

“My, you’d started doing that kind of work?”

“No... she... that person was an exception.” Perhaps remembering this person, Violet looked into the distance for a bit and then closed her eyes. “After that, too, she would introduce jobs to me whenever possible... so my company’s president also told me to express my gratitude if I ever had a chance to see her. Even if I had not... I wanted to show Major – my companion – the beauty of that country.”

“Is that so...? I’m happy. The beauty of my country is my pride.”

“Yes. I could not have thought that we would come here as per Madam Alberta’s arrangement.”

“S-Sorry.”

The courtier Alberta was once my wet nurse, and to Violet, she was a work intermediator. Alberta had persuaded Violet, saying that, since she had come nearby, she probably wanted to see me.

Having received the news about Violet’s visit from Drossel, I had sent a carriage from Fluegel to pick her up without thinking about her convenience. As a result, I had hindered the vacation that this much-demanded Auto-Memories Doll probably was finally able to have... as well as the time that she was getting to spend with her significant other.

Calling her over in a way that bordered forcefulness might be an arrogant conduct coming from the royal family.

“Violet... did you not want to come to Fluegel?”

“That is not the case.”

“Really...?”

“Yes; it is the country that Lady Charlotte married off to, after all. I had interest in it.”

“Thank you... I’m not free, so... I can’t go anywhere on my own... I had no choice but to bring you here.”

As I said this, Violet nodded with an “I am aware”.

   Afterwards, we talked about what happened in the meantime that we had not seen each other. About how Lord Damian and I were able to properly fall in love with each other after marrying. About how Violet had managed, through ups and downs, to find the most beloved master that she had been looking for. About the fact that he was Mr. Gilbert. About her wish for two of them, in the life that they would have from now onward, to go to the countries that she had visited as an Auto-Memories Doll, because she wanted him to become acquainted with them as well, even if it took some time. We talked about such things quiet and lightly.

I was so happy for being able to have this kind of conversation with her that I could not help myself.

“Speaking of which, Lady Charlotte, it seems you are funding an orphanage.”

“You think it’s hypocritical of me?”

“No. To tell the truth, a girl who is being taken care of over there is supposed to work with us in the future.”

“Eh, is that so? I... built that orphanage because I was influenced by you.”

We opened our eyes wide at each other’s information, hearts pounding, and then broke into giggles.

Aah, when was the last time that I had been so free of wariness with someone? It was really fun. How many more times would I get to see her like this?

“By the way, how’s the Auto-Memories Doll that was with Lord Damian during the Public Love Letters doing?”

Even though we had barely just started chatting, I suddenly thought about that. It was a bad habit of mine. I was quick to picture the end of things.

“She is doing well. It seems she is... always having fights with her lover, but...”

Life was short. Many things passed in a blink of eye.

“Is that okay?”

I spent my time burying down the intervals in which I could not see her.

“It is. Our company is the same as ever. Everyone is doing fine.”

Even so, we could not be together forever.

We would spend time together today and tomorrow, and once we parted, there was a possibility that we would never meet again. After all, I was a queen and Violet was an Auto-Memories Doll. A woman who could go nowhere and a woman who could go anywhere. As one would expect, our social positions were different.

——Aah, Charlotte, stop thinking, I reprimanded myself. Although this moment was unbearably fun, I was conscious of its end, which caused my chest to tighten somewhat.

I was together with Violet in the time when red roses blossomed. The hours we spent talking in the garden would probably become irreplaceable to me. I might recall it over and over.

——This might not be the case for Violet, though.

Friendships could also be unrequited. That was exactly why this moment was both too happy and too painful.

“Lady Charlotte.”

Having my name called, I frantically raised the corners of my mouth, which had gone down before I realized. A queen had to be always smiling elegantly, as to not make the subjects uneasy.

“Wh-What is it?”

Even though I excelled at faking a smile, for some reason, I could not do it properly right now.

“What is the matter?”

I would end up accidentally showing her my original, anxious self when she was in front of me.

“Nothing; it’s just that my heart is filled to the brim.”

Being overcome with emotion at the irreplaceable “present” out of the blue in the middle of a conversation and feeling sad about it was incomprehensible and nothing but a bother to the other person.

“I simply... thought that I was indeed lonely.”

Violet. I might be no more than a character that had not even amounted to a single page of your life.

“I really wanted to see you.”

But you had played a huge role in mine, so you would always be in my heart.

“Because I’d been remembering the things you said to me whenever I was having a hard time.”

Whenever I was sad and about to burst into tears, your face would appear in my heart and you would speak to me.

“Weird, isn’t it? If you think about it, we aren��t that close. I’m just a client to you anyways. Just one person in a crowd. But...”

But I had never forgotten the things you had done for me.

“But, y’know...”

You had supported my love. Allowed me to be selfish. Told me that I was a crybaby. You were the only girl about as old as me that I could be myself when interacting with.

“But...”

To me, you were my girlhood itself. A symbol of the time when I lived in Drossel, fell in love and was simply Charlotte. It was almost as if I were embracing my child self.

Could you tell? My chest was hurting a lot. What a pain. Why did people become like that when growing up?

“I like you.”

Why did we think that these moments in which we became weak were so bad?

“Lady Charlotte...”

In that instant, Violet came closer, and just when I wondered if she was going to kiss me, she reached out a hand.

“‘I want to stop your tears’.”

And then, the tip of her finger scooped a drop of the tears that were about to overflow.

“If I am certain, I had once told you this, Lady Charlotte.”

I was a bit dumbfounded. I did not think she still remembered that.

“Are you still a crybaby...?”

When she gently asked me that, I felt like one more tear would leak. I suppressed my eyes in a panic. “No way I’d be. I’m a queen already.”

“Yes.”

“I have Lord Damian too. I’m his wife.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve become strong. I... got a bit weak just now, but it was a temporary thing.”

“Yes, I am aware.”

Aah, you. Violet.

“Lady Charlotte, if you like...”

You were extremely insensitive sometimes.

“...if you ever have a chance to travel to Leidenschaftlich...”

And cruel.

“...by all means, do call me. I will hasten to join you.”

But kind enough to make me cry.

“I want to show you that city one day...”

You had no idea that you were saving me with your casual statements.

Before I noticed, Violet was offering me a handkerchief. I accepted it, and while hiding my crying face but making at least my voice sound all right, I said, “I’ll go; I’ll definitely go there one day. And when I do, show me around!”

Violet replied, “Yes” with a tone that indicated she was probably smiling.

“Definitely.”

Surely, even if I managed to meet Violet again someday, the same thing would happen. It was precisely because we could not see each other that I would be both happy and pained once I managed to see her.

“Of course. If it suits you, I can draw up a written oath... Ah, Lady Charlotte. Major is back.”

The contents of our conversations had changed from before. We were no longer talking about one-sided love letters. I would not sulk or curl up on my bed in front of her.

“No way; I can’t show him a face like this.”

Still, it did not matter how many years passed.

“You look beautiful.”

It was not as if my feelings would be gone.

——We were able to meet today like that. Even if we part ways tomorrow, you’ll surely be on a voyage somewhere around the world.

“Aren’t my eyes red?”

“No, Lady Charlotte.”

When I thought about that, I started looking forward to it. Should I try to write her a letter telling her that I wanted to see her by the time that the tales of our journeys had piled up?

“Your Majesty, may I also join Violet?”

“Of course; here, sit down.”

I had already decided on an opening phrase for it.

“Major, I was told a wonderful story. Is it all right to talk about it?”

“Aah, tell me, Violet.”

“The orphanage that Lady Charlotte built is...”

   Dear Ms. Violet Evergarden, Are you doing well?

I want to see you.

[sevlgi]

the florist pt. 2

requested: yes

group: dreamcatcher

pairing: jiu x fem!reader

genre: angst, questionable fluff

contents: hanahaki!au, florist!jiu.  read part 1 here.

warnings: death

synopsis:  Minji’s drawing away. You know that; you can see it, and you can feel it deep in your bones. But when you finally realize the pain afflicting her, will it be too late for you to save her?

a/n: I’M SORRY THIS IS BASICALLY FULL ANGST ASLKDFFDSKJN... i’ll do a part 3 if y’all want it 😬

word count: 3.6k

Sometimes, the arrival of a new person changes the way you see things.

That fact had been true for Minji for years; meeting people always taught her something new, whether it was about the world or about herself. And yet, no one had ever been able to change her thoughts about her 6 closest friends, until she found a beautiful girl in her flower shop, begging for help with the blooms in her lungs.

She didn’t mean to resent Siyeon. She shouldn’t have-- you were a stranger, just another person that used your personal connection to her friends to guilt her into helping you. But when Minji saw how dismissive you were to even the possibility of asking Siyeon to save your life, she realized something about her friend, and she realized something about you.

On one hand, Siyeon knew what she could or couldn’t do to help others. Minji had seen her go out of her way to pick up a fallen grocery basket for someone or help an old lady across the street, but she would never try to lift a car to save someone underneath. She knew her limits, and Minji had to accept that it wasn’t selfish of her to protect herself.

But on the other hand, you were selfless. Too much so, really. You hated the thought of inconveniencing the girl you loved, even if it meant that you would die. It took too long for you to convince yourself to even ask Gahyeon for help, just because you knew how touchy of a subject it was for her.

Maybe Minji loved that about you, at the same time that she hated it. And maybe it was something that she hated about herself as she stared at the speckled purple blossoms swimming about in the toilet bowl.

“Shit,” she whispered, wiping droplets of blood off her lips. “It’s getting worse.”

“Obviously.”

Gahyeon looked more grim than sympathetic as she offered a box of tissues to the older girl. She experienced the disease herself for long enough that she knew how painful it was, and she was smart enough to know that Minji didn’t have much time. “How long has it been?”

“8 months.” Minji gingerly plucked petals out from under her tongue, flicking them away. “I met Y/N 8 months ago.”

She could’ve smiled just by saying your name, but she kept her face solemn as Gahyeon did the math in her head. “8 months. It takes 3 months to fall in love, but knowing you, it was probably shorter.”

Minji rolled her eyes, taking a sip of water. “Watch it.”

“I’m just saying,” Gahyeon protested. “But at most, you’ve had Hanahaki for 7 or 8 months. So why are you basically on your deathbed? Y/N told me she loved Siyeon unnie nearly 2 years before she even bothered to ask me for help.”

“Maybe my heart is just weak,” the florist sighed, leaning her head against the wall. “It’s my fault, I fell for a client. A client, Gahyeon, how stupid am I?”

The younger girl scooted closer, wrapping her arms softly around Minji. “You aren’t. Okay? Y/N is amazing, and if I wasn’t so hung up on... if I had the time for it, I could see myself loving her too. You should--”

“Don’t,” Minji warned, eyes narrowing. “Don’t tell me to tell her. I can’t put that on her, and I can’t let her know that I’m in... that I’m in pain because of her.”

“You’re one and the same, you know that?” Gahyeon shook her head. “The exact same.”

But no matter how much she griped, Minji knew that her friend wouldn’t reveal the secret, not until she was lying on her deathbed. She was trustworthy, and she would leave Minji to her own solutions if she asked for it.

Finding a real solution was what would become the problem.

“Hey, Minji!”

Even though you felt awkward with your shoulder pressed up to your face and bags in your hand, you smiled as you squeezed the phone closer to your face. The florist hadn’t picked up on your call, but you didn’t fault her for being busy. “Uh, I’m coming to you to make Gahyeon’s cake like we promised.”

You cursed as you dropped one of the grocery bags, taking your phone in your hand to finish the message so you could check out. “I’m almost there, so wait up for me! I got some special supplies for you too.”

Rounding the corner onto the Love Blossom, you fished your keys out from your pocket. There was a pink jewel-studded one on the chain, new as of just 8 months ago, but it felt like it had always belonged there as you twisted the lock and pushed the glass door open.

To your surprise, Gahyeon was waiting inside, almost looking like she was shielding the door to Minji’s apartment. “Hey, Gahyeonie,” you greeted, attempting to wave. “Good to see you.”

“Hi, Y/N. What’re those for?” she asked, nodding her head at the bags. “Baking again?”

“Yeah, you know me.” You craned your neck, trying to see if Minji was fixing a bouquet somewhere, but you didn’t find the brunette anywhere. Gahyeon, standing smack in the middle of the shop and blocking the door, didn’t help. “Is Minji here?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s just... finishing something.” The younger girl’s smile was disarming, obviously hiding something and yet innocent enough that you could’ve just been paranoid. “You don’t mind waiting, do you?”

Your eyes narrowed, but you shook your head. “So, uh, how’s Siyeon?”

Gahyeon softened at that, sighing, “Still not ready to see you. I’m sorry, she... she feels guilty now, that Minji and I had to help you not die.”

“It’s okay.” To be honest, it was true; despite all the feelings you’d invested into her, Siyeon couldn’t break you just yet, not even after you barely recovered from the Hanahaki disease. “I’ll give her time.”

“I’m grateful for that,” the other girl smiled, squeezing your arm. “On her behalf.”

Before either of you could say something more, the hidden door creaked open to reveal a Minji that was decidedly more gaunt than when you had last seen her. Her cheeks were hollow, lips pale and dark circles unable to be hidden by the layers of makeup she wore. “Oh. Hey, Y/N, what’re you doing here?”

You raised the bags in your hand in answer. “Baking? We agreed a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh!” Minji attempted an apologetic smile, though you still got the feeling that she didn’t really remember. “Right. Gahyeon, I’m fine, you can go home.”

“Are you sure?” the younger girl eyed the florist critically. “Because--”

“Gahyeon. I’m good.” Minji’s tone left no room for argument, and Gahyeon merely waved at you before making her way out. Finally only the two of you left in the shop, the brunette opened her door for you. “Sorry about that. Come in?”

Despite not really wanting to overstep, you blurted out, “So. What was that about? If you’re sick, I can easily go home and bake there...”

“No, I’m good!” Minji tried her best to grin, but something was just lacking. You also noted that she did her best not to touch you, skirting around the kitchen table to be on the other side. “Did you get chocolate like I asked?”

“I did,” you nodded, accepting the fact that she wouldn’t talk about it until she was ready. After all those months, you learned that when Minji was stubborn, there really was nothing that could change her mind. “Chocolate because Gahyeon likes it, but I also got vanilla to make cupcakes for anyone who doesn’t like it?”

She clapped and you played along by bowing, though she stopped so she could start to taking ingredients out of the bag for you. “Oh-- what’s this?” she frowned at the can of coconut cream she held in her hand.

“That--” you snatched it out of her hand-- “is for you. I learned how to make coconut mousse recently, and I thought that while I’m here, I might as well treat you.”

Minji opened her mouth to speak with a smile, but she was interrupted with a sudden fit of coughing. You reached to grab water for her, concern parting your lips, but she waved you away. “I- I’m fine. A bit of a cold, that’s all, I’ll be right back.”

With that, she ascended to her loft again, leaving you with coconut cream in your hands and confusion written all over your face. In all the 8 months that you had known her, Minji hadn’t gotten sick once; she brought you chicken soup when you got the flu and miraculously avoided it, claiming herself to have “immunity superpowers” with that amazingly infectious smile. So it was weird for her to be so affected by a simple cough.

But as you turned back to your cake recipe, you tried to write it off. After all, she’d saved you already... she didn’t owe you any explanations.

Yubin was sweet. A lot quieter than Minji, but she was that calm kind of funny that didn’t really require being boisterous to invoke laughter from you, and you definitely didn’t mind it. “Thank you for coming to shop with me,” you mentioned as you bent down to stare at the label on a folded jacket. “Minji said she’d come, but she’s really busy lately.”

“Yeah, she can be like that sometimes,” Yubin shrugged, pointing a decorative cup out to you. “She insists that she doesn’t like to burden us or whatever.”

“That’s bullshit, but it sounds like her,” you sighed. You folded the jacket over your arm and picked up the cup on your way to the register, Yubin following with her gift for Gahyeon already hanging on her arm. “But I can’t help but think that she’s hiding something from me... just me.”

The younger girl raised an eyebrow. “Really? I mean, Minji’s been quiet recently, but I don’t think she’s treating you any different. If anything, she’s nicer to you than she is to the rest of us.”

You chuckled at that and passed your credit card over the counter. “Right. She is being really nice to me, almost weirdly nice. You know, I brought my baking supplies over to her the other day, and she didn’t even try to throw flour in my face. It’s weird.”

“You’re right that that doesn’t sound like Minji,” Yubin frowned, opening the shop’s door for you as you walked out. “I don’t know, she’s like a different person after meeting you. Doesn’t talk to Siyeon much--”

At the guilty expression on your face, she stopped talking. “Y/N, it isn’t your fault. Minji... she’s just too kind. She never understood how our friend, who saw the effects of Hanahaki herself, could just let you die.”

“Isn’t it my fault though?” You tilted your head to the sky, observing the fluffy white clouds that floated over the skyscrapers of Seoul. “I gave her that responsibility of healing me, she wouldn’t have given a shit if she didn’t have to heal me.”

“Well, if you think that, then you still don’t know Minji well enough.” The other girl laughed softly, shaking her head. “See, it’s less about letting you die and more about letting someone else die. We all know that Siyeon-unnie couldn’t love you on command, but Minji thinks she was callous with how she rejected you.”

“Yubin...”

She held up a hand so that you’d let her continue to talk. “See, she’s selfless. She could’ve turned you away, no matter how much Gahyeon tried to convince her, but she didn’t. Minji can’t handle the thought of not doing something when she could, but she would also never impose on others.”

“Do you think that’s what’s happening?” you asked suddenly. “Is she sick or something, and won’t tell us?”

Yubin hesitated to answer, her expression conflicted. “I want to say no. But it’s... more likely than not.”

You almost reached for your phone, but you remembered how curt Minji’s text messages had been in the past month, and how often she had blown you off. “Huh. Well, I guess we’ll just have to ask her tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Coffee?” your new friend offered, stopping in front of a small coffee store. You followed her in, more and more worried about the florist as you thought about her. Your heart was beating uncomfortably in your chest again, as quick as it had been when you had Hanahaki, just without the unrequited love clogging your lungs like so many months ago.

You leaped onto Bora’s back as soon as you saw her, laughing as she shrieked. Gahyeon, who had been talking to Bora, grinned at the sight of you in your sparkly outfit. “Gahyeonie, happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Y/N.” She took the gift from your hands to set it down on a table, Bora hitching you up higher on her back. “Now that you’re here, will you convince Handong-unnie to let me see the cake?”

“Not a chance,” you sing-songed, sticking your tongue out at the pouting birthday girl. “I spent hours on that cake, I’m not letting you see it before the grand reveal with Minji. Where is she, by the way?”

“Minji?” Bora frowned, finally giving up and letting you down onto the floor. The petite woman scanned the apartment with her lips pursed, swishing her specialty punch in the cup she held. “Mm. I don’t think I’ve seen her today.”

Your eyebrows furrowed at that, and you stepped further into the living room to try and catch the florist among the throng of celebrators. “Really? That’s unlike her, I would’ve thought she’d be here first.”

“I think Siyeon stepped up for organization this time,” Gahyeon offered. “I can... ask her for you?”

You were tempted to agree; after all, it had been nearly a year and a half since you had confessed and gotten painfully pushed away. But then, you had to know where Minji was for yourself-- any information, even if it was given to you by Gahyeon, wasn’t trustworthy unless you heard it for yourself. “It’s fine,” you sighed. “I’ll go.”

“Y/N, are you sure?” Bora asked quietly, catching you in your stride with her hands on your arm. “She’s not exactly friendly towards you.”

“I’m good,” you smiled in an attempt to reassure her. “Really.”

Once you left the two behind, it wasn’t tough to find Siyeon. She stood in the kitchen with Handong, laughing at some joke or the other that you couldn’t hear over the music. To your alarm, your heart hurt a little bit at how beautiful she looked, blonde hair lengthened by extensions and lips colored; but it wasn’t the disease, just a normal twinge of remaining heartbreak as you approached her. “Hey.”

She didn’t turn until the hostess pushed her to. “Y/N. Hello.”

You pursed your lips at her attitude. “Look, I don’t want to talk to you either. All I need to know is where Minji is.”

“Minji...” Siyeon frowned at that, turning to look at Handong, who shrugged. “She still hasn’t shown up? The party started hours ago...”

Handong offered, “She texted me a little while ago, she said she had a cough? It’s not like Minji to be sick, but I’m sure a cough is no problem.”

“A cough?”

The three of you turned to find Gahyeon behind you, her expression a mixture of grim and absolutely horrified. “Gahyeonie..?” Siyeon asked, panic seeping into her voice just like it did yours.

“Y/N, you need to come with me” was the youngest’s only answer as she grabbed onto your wrist. “We don’t have enough time, Bora can drive you to the LB. And--”

“Hey, Gahyeon, what the hell is going on?” you asked, quieting yourself when she hushed you. “Is Minji sick? And if she is, why wouldn’t you tell us? We can buy her medicine--”

“She has Hanahaki.” Your eyes widened immediately and you stopped in your tracks, ignoring Gahyeon tugging at you. She gave up, and tried to soften her words. “Y/N... Minji loves you. And you don’t love her back.”

You stammered, attempting to find the right words to respond. But there didn’t seem to be any-- none of the sentences on the tip of your tongue could even come close to describing what you wanted to say, so you could only settle or saying, “What?”

Gahyeon pinched her lips together, typing something furiously on her phone. “Yeah. It’s progressing too fast, I think, she was on the brink of death when you saw her last. Coughing out full blossoms already, and I’ve already found her choking on her own blood twice.”

“But...” Your mind raced, trying your best to find an explanation. “I’ve only known her for 10 months.”

“That’s how much she loves you, I guess,” Gahyeon shrugged, turning as Bora bounded down the stairs. “Please save her. It might be too late, but- but I don’t want Minji to die without seeing you one last time.”

Bora grabbed you then, not giving you a minute to even ask if it was okay to leave. It was a short bound to her car in the driveway, and the both of you seemed just as desperate to reach the florist when Bora pressed down on the pedals with close to her full force.

You came dangerously close to crashing into at least 10 cars, and you were sure that you had run a red light, but there was nothing else on your mind as you slammed the car door closed and kicked the door to the flower shop right open. “Minji!” you shouted, craning your neck to try and see up to the loft. “Minji, where are you?!”

At the sound of some weak coughing, you were leaping up the stairs, gripping onto the banisters to move even faster. And there she was, looking all too frail and weak in her bed.

There was a spray of blood on the pale pink comforter, wrapped around her body with minimal effort, and Minji’s eyes were barely fluttering open. “Y/N,” she croaked, hand creeping up to touch your face as you fell to your knees right next to her. Her voice was hoarse, almost gone from the months of coughing up mallow blossoms and blood. “You came.”

“I... of course I came.” Your voice was shaky, and there were hot tears already spilling down your face. “Minji, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Not- not your responsibility,” she coughed out. “I couldn’t let you feel guilty for what’s happening to me. It’s not your fault, Y/N, that you don’t love me.”

You sobbed out at that, wiping your eyes roughly with the palms of your hands. “Minji, please...”

The girl lying before you could barely be called a shell of Minji, and no matter what you said, it could only be your fault that her eyes were as sunken as a skull’s. It could only be your face that her wrist was as delicate as that of a bird, that her hand wasn’t even able to support the weight of your head as you slumped down to sob next to her.

There was nothing bright shining in those brown eyes anymore, none of the light that exploded into a thousand golden sparkles whenever you baked her favorite pastries or arranged a bouquet just right. There was no smile on her parched lips, no laughter shaking her entire body or a stupid joke that no one really understood.

All the memories of the Minji that you remembered flooded into your mind, like videos flickering over the nearly-dead girl that you could see in front of you. Minji when she spent hundreds of dollars for your birthday bouquet, Minji when she took you as a plus-one to her favorite concert. Minji when she smiled at coconut tarts, Minji when she presented you with your very own apron for the shop.

Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?

Said. As what could’ve been Minji’s last breaths began to escape her lungs, your head shot up and your heads reached out to cradle her to your chest, your lips moving faster than you could’ve ever imagined to say those three words out loud. “I love you. Kim Minji, I love you I love you I love you so much, please don’t leave me--”

You couldn’t feel her breathing against you with the force of the sobs racking your entire body, rocking back and forth on the edge of her bed with your hands wrapped around what was left of her familiar frame. “Please,” you cried, her hair damp against your cheek with your own tears. “Please...”

And with the last plea that escaped your lips, she drew in a rattling breath, only to cough it back out with a good 2 blossoms or so. You gasped, holding her away from you and patting her back to help as Minji vomited purple speckled blossoms onto her bed. 

“You said it,” she rasped, collapsing. All you could do was continue to cry, the salt of your tears finally tasting sweet on your lips instead of bitter like they did when you thought that the girl you loved was dead. 

“Thank you.”

[x-de-con-struct-ed-x-moving]

...I quit my job last night/this morning.

I would never usually just quit a job without giving a two-week notice or having a backup, especially when it’s been such a short time since I started and how hard it was to get the job, but I believe this was an extenuating circumstance.

After the car accident on the 15th I have had to call in multiple times because of the pain (once which sent me to urgent care and then another day to the emergency room), and I could understand them being upset about my absence, but I believe that doesn’t excuse the treatment they were giving me because of it.

I was being downright bullied by my coworkers. They would tell me it was OK that I wasn’t able to do my usual workload (I worked in a deli with a bunch of older ladies and they often relied on me to do the heavy lifting, which I was more than OK with before the accident, but after I couldn’t lift - and still struggle with lifting - more than 20lbs), and then they would spend the entire shift talking about me, making comments about working all by themselves, and being mean to me when I tried to do things I could do, such as counterwork, dishes, and cooking lighter stuff. I tried to push myself with heavier stuff as well in an effort to make them happier, but all that did was make my pain worse.

This really hurt because I thought I was fitting in. I got along with most of the people I was working with, but my favorite coworker had been the one making the most comments and being the nastiest to me.

I talked to a manager and all she did was guilt trip me. She told me to see it from their perspective, how me calling in and not doing all of my duties affected my department’s work load. When I mentioned wanting to quit, she tried to convince me to stay and just cut my hours, but said either way I would be “running away from the problem” rather than facing it. I told her I would think about it, but I had already spoken to my boyfriend and he vehemently supports me over this.

I made the call this morning and talked to the store manager, who the other manager had told about the situation, and I was literally hung up on.

I honestly don’t know what to do or how to feel now. I spent months looking for jobs. I had only been working there for a month, and I know it will be very difficult to find another, especially after how my last two jobs ended. And at first I thought I’d really like the job - I enjoyed the work and I really seemed to fit in - but it quickly became very toxic. I was driven to the point of tears countless times, both because of the pain and because of the way they were treating me.

I also have a feeling if I hadn’t quit, they probably would’ve fired me because of my attendance around the accident.

I have bills covered for next month. I have already started looking for jobs - I am applying to Walmart again, as well as a craft store and a new oil change place in town, and I am going to keep applying elsewhere too. I have my boyfriend’s full support in this, and I would not have done this without him being OK with it; I don’t want that burden on him.

I’m tired. I’m just tired and I feel like I owe everyone an explanation and apology.

[geordiewrites]

I Did Something Bad | James Potter

A/N: Before reading, I just want to say this story is based around cheating, so simply if you don’t like that, don’t read it! It’s also really bad, but I need to get back into the swing of regular writing for my mental health’s sake, and this was my way of doing it so please don’t be too harsh reading it. I’m still v new to this shit, and v Geordie too so if I’m using words you don’t get or smth like that, just lemme know.

Summary: Y/N has been in love with James Potter for who knows how long... the only problem is when something happens between them, he’s in a relationship with someone else.

Warning: Infidelity, cheating, mentions of sex, angst, shit writing, shit characters, just don’t expect much okay?

“I have to tell you something.” Y/N says, fiddling awkwardly with the now frayed hem of her mustard-yellow jumper, fingers fumbling as she tries to speak.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” Marlene, her best friend, asks worriedly, but Y/N just shakes her head, tears beginning to spring in her eyes. Seeing this, Marlene quickly rushes to sit next to Y/N on the edge of her bed in their gold and crimson adorned dormitory. She just stares blankly out of the window, trying and miserably failing to hide the fact that all she wants to do is rush out of Hogwarts and never return.

“I don’t even know where to start, Marls.” She mewls between choked sobs. “There’s so much I haven’t told anybody.”

“You can tell me.” Marlene continues, throwing a comforting arm over her friend’s shoulders with ease. Her face is twisted with worry, the kind of anxiousness that Marlene has never seen before and frankly is terrified by. “Just start at the beginning, I suppose. Who’s all this about anyway? Do I need to beat anyone up?” Marlene says frantically, and Y/N lets out a humourless laugh.

“No. Me, perhaps. Just promise if I tell you, you won’t tell Lily about it?” Her voice breaks more and more with every syllable.

“Why would I need to keep something from Lily?”

“Because it’s about James. Me and James.” Y/N whispers, pressing her face into her trembling hands.

“You and James?” She questions just a little too satirically, causing Y/N to send her a withering glare. “What is it you need to tell me?”

“I slept with him, Marlene.” Y/N cries before she finally collapses into a flummox of tears and loud cries that fill the dormitory with a tense, thick silence as the information settles in.

“When?” Only one word is managed from Marlene, said in a half shocked, half angry tone. Y/N feels Marlene’s arm shift off of her shoulder as she moves to sit cross legged on the floor. Away. Away from Y/N.

“The night of the party in September when they had that huge row because he got drunk when they had agreed not to.” She replied, her throat dry and hoarse making speaking physically painful, but she had to tell somebody. Anybody who would listen and wouldn’t judge her too harshly. Unfortunately however for Marlene, this burden fell to her since everyone else was out that day including both Lily and James, leaving no chance of being overheard.

“How did it happen?” Merlin, Y/N, why did it fucking happen?” Marlene said angrily, looking for something to throw across the room just to watch it smash into millions of irreparable pieces.

“You know bloody why, Marls.” Y/N snapped crossly, earning something close to a sympathetic look from Marlene.

~

Y/N couldn’t remember a time she had felt so lonely as to when James was kissing her.

It was strange really, since she had been madly in love with him for who knows how long at this point. But there, with their clandestine kiss captured into fracturing moonlight in the middle of her otherwise empty dorm room, with his hands travelling softly past her waist and to her hips, lips moving against hers in the way she had dreamed of, Y/N felt more solitary than ever. Perhaps it was because she knew he didn’t love her, that to him it was just completely physical. Maybe it was because he loved another, and someone she had been friends with for years at that. Deep down she knew it was simply because it was James.

James. James who used to carry her books because he was a whole head taller than her, and therefore claimed she needed a prince to save her. James who played Quidditch with her even though she was hopeless at it, and in return she waved a Gryffindor scarf for him at his games. Sometimes he even claimed it was the reason he won. James who told her that Lily was the love of his life while crying into her shoulder, unknowing that Y/N wanted nothing more than to hear those words about herself. But she wouldn’t, couldn’t, ever.

She could taste alcohol on his tongue as it moved expertly against her own, dark and bitter and sweet all at the same time. He carried a beautiful aroma of cigarette smoke, just slightly stale, and strangely oranges and the overly expensive cologne he always wore because Lily told Marlene she liked it four years previous. Everything about him screamed his love for Lily. From tousled hair to mirror her celebrity crush, to the way his eyes lit up every time the redhead walked into a room. And then there was Y/N, hopeless and drowning in an unrequited affection.

James and Lily were the Romeo and Juliet of Hogwarts, the epitome of a saccharine love story stretching over the expanse of seven years. Seeing them together was to be in the presence of true love, at least that was what almost everyone said. Nevertheless, only Y/N seemed to notice otherwise. The longing looks at other girls from James, the way they barely ever held hands, the fact they never kissed in public... although she had brushed this all aside, convincing herself she only saw it because he was looking, and that it wasn’t actually there at all.

But there James was, about to sleep with Y/N and throw that supposedly perfect relationship with the girl he had fawned over for years into turmoil. Some selfish part of Y/N wanted just that, perhaps that was the biggest reason when he whispered an “Are you sure?” against the skin of her jawline, she replied with a definite yes.

The rest of the night passed in a haze of afterglow and skin against skin, and for the most part, Y/N felt oddly sad. James’ touch felt hot enough to let her very skin on fire where he had touched her, and yet she still felt cold knowing he didn’t love her. He didn’t spend his nights dreaming of the colour of her eyes, but she knew his were a shining hazel with tiny flecks of green interspersed within them. She knew his birthday, his favourite colours and lessons and movies and stupid muggle bands... useless details really. They didn’t mean anything except to remind her of what she didn’t have, and of what Lily did.

And of what Y/N was now taking away from her.

~

“He was sad and we were drunk out of our minds. I remember finding him alone in the corridor. I remember talking to him about Lily for awhile, and then suddenly we were kissing and I couldn’t bring myself to say no.” Y/N explained slowly, the hazy memories of that night becoming more and more clear with each passing second.

“I can’t believe this.” Marlene said, raking fingers through her honey hair and pulling on the roots in shock. “I can’t believe it, Y/N.” She repeated, over and over and over until it seemed just a little more plausible. A little more tangible. A little more real. “I don’t blame you, you know.”

“What?!” Y/N exclaimed, an icy surprise erupting in her veins and sending a cold chill throughout her body.

Marlene smiled painfully. “What you did was awful, but he was the one in a relationship.”

“‘Suppose so. What should I do?” She blurted desperately, running her hands over the burgundy silk of her duvet as she anxiously stood up.

“You have to tell Lily.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to, Y/N. He cheated on her with you!” Marlene shouted, previously calm voice rising with exasperation.

“You don’t think I know that?” Y/N hissed back, venom beginning to seep into her voice but it wasn’t even aimed at Marlene. It was aimed at James, and at herself. “I fucking know I fucked up, Marls. But I can’t tell Lily - the literal sweetest person - that I shagged her boyfriend and that I’ve been in love with him since James learned who she even was. And he’ll never feel that way about me. Ever. He saw a quick fuck when he looked at me that night and a future wife when he saw Lily. Why do you think they’re still together? Because he doesn’t care.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so, so very sorry. But James isn’t going to tell her, and she has to know-!”

“Maybe he will.” Y/N interrupted.

“We both know that’s a lie. Somebody has to tell her, and it’s going to have to be you.”

“Please Marlene.” She begged, heart aching within her chest as a million unkempt memories flashed through her mind in the space of a mere moment.

~

“Come on, Y/N, truth or dare?” James asks through laughter.

“I should never have agreed to play one-on-one truth or dare with you.” Y/N replies irritably, although it’s stupidly short lived when he sends her that shit eating grin, and all over again she feels like a thirteen year old with a crush. Deep down she still is, underneath the makeup and the fake laughter, she’s still the same little girl who thinks she doesn’t deserve love. “But fine, I choose truth.”

“Good choice. Alright, who was the first person you ever shagged?” James asks curiously.

“Wow, James, way to make it seem as though I’ve done a hundred people.”

“Apologies, but go on.”

“Fine.” Y/N shifts awkwardly. “It was you, actually. Back in fifth year.”

“Oh.” He replies after a long pause, which to Y/N feels as though it will never end.

“I don’t really remember it if I’m being honest.” She adds in an attempt to dispel the thick tension that has built up. It doesn’t, and James can barely meet her eyes. “We were drunk, I think.”

“I often am when I spend time with you.”

~

And that was the moment it hit Y/N. The moment when he started giggling at her confession. The moment when she knew she hated him almost just as much as she loved him, because she had let that infatuation with him consume her. The moment when he told her in return that he only needed her for drunken sex, after she had lied about remembering it. Because she did remember it, so well in fact that it may as well have been etched into her skin with scarring inks. Where he touched her, how it felt that first night. And how it felt the one they wrecked his relationship.

That day, sitting with Marlene in her dormitory having just told her of the worst crime Y/N had ever committed, it hurt just the same. And now she was stuck with this pain, this awful, selfish feeling every time she saw him and Lily together that she just wished something would happen to her and James could be together.

Y/N never expecting it to be through cheating, but perhaps that was all it would ever be.

A one night stand, forever kept in the darkest part of her mind with the rest of her regrets. Regretting never telling James of her love for him. Regretting not asking him years ago to kiss her age fourteen, maybe she could’ve had a chance to get over him then. It felt like she never had that. It was a hookup, a torrid, illicit affair.

And that was all it would ever be. But perhaps that was what she deserved.

As Y/N walked down towards the Gryffindor common room, she could only think of a few things. How Lily could possibly react, how James would react to her telling Lily because he didn’t. Both had thousands of answers, none of which she could possibly predict in the moment. Step by step down the mahogany staircase leading to the plush, homey centre room the Gryffindors adored so much, Y/N inhaled and exhaled sharp breaths, planning out exactly what she was going to say to Lily in her mind.

All of that went away when she saw them together, curled up on the red velvet sofa in front of the dying embers of a once roaring fire, just watching it flicker away with their hands intertwined. Just sat there, staring hopelessly into one another’s eyes, so deep in love they didn’t even notice her step in the room. While she expected tears to spring in her eyes, they didn’t, the usual feeling of suffocation she felt around them had suddenly disappeared.

And as Y/N watched them, it finally hit her that what James did wasn’t some way of trying to communicate a discontent in their relationship, it was a stupid, pathetic mistake. But that’s all it was: a mistake.

And they would just have to live with that.

~

Nancy xx (again, apologies for how crap this is but it’s my first attempt at writing in a loooong time)!

[ignisnocturnalia]

Hi there! I dunno if you take requests but if yeah, could I request some Zavala x Reader Relationship HC's? :3

No problem! I'd actually like to encourage requests, I like writing but I usually don't have the motive to start. I probably enjoy writing for others more than for myself, it's definitely easier to start something with guidelines/instructions that has a definitive end goal

Zavala x Reader Relationship HCs

You've had a crush on this man from the moment you first stepped into the Tower

You visit him the most out of all the Vanguard, always taking up bounties to glean praise from the stoic Titan

Zavala, seeing as many come to him for the extra work, doesn't realize why you're hounding so hard until Ikora gives him a hint

You, on the other hand, are hoping very hard he doesn't notice because you don't want to make your current relationship weird with Zavala

You continue to be oblivious to the fact that he knows, while Zavala thinks long and hard

Starting a romantic relationship is a big deal as a Guardian, to him at least

He thinks about how worried he is everytime you go to do field work, and especially the raids you've participated in; he dreads about how much he would worry if he does accept your advances

You take notice of how quiet he's gotten and you start to worry, going to Ikora for help

All she does is smile knowingly (Thanks Ikora, for taking bg character to a whole other level)

You continue to be hyper aware for the next week, watching Zavala's face and listening to his tone to make any kind of conclusion out of his short wordedness

You almost die of a heart attack when he asks you to meet him in his office after dark

Your mind is in two places: Am I about to be put down for wanting to romance the Titan Vanguard, or am I getting-

You're looking right at him before you can finish your thoughts, thank FUCK he only has a few lights on

Instead, he asks you out for a proper date

A true gentleman

Neither of you are experienced with the whole relationship business, and Zavala honestly seems like he has trouble differentiating his work life from his personal life

You decided to take him to your favorite spot on Earth

Cayde called you Lady Guardian for good reason

Zavala's face is almost in disbelief as both of you gaze up to the jagged point of Felwinter's Peak

You've packed a meal big enough for both of you, and you're determined to make this a full date

"You've scaled this mountain before?"

Plenty of times, plenty of comical deaths

"What's the matter? Scared of a little challenge? It'll be worth it, I promise." You bump his shoulder lightly to try and loosen him up

The climb is slow and every once in a while one of the temple wolves will approach you for attention

Zavala isn't keen on offering his hand until you convince him, and wolf petting becomes an unexpected bonding moment

You reach the camping outcrop roughly an hour before the sunset you want him to see

Zavala seems to understand why you've brought him here when you guide him to the edge overlooking the Temple grounds

The meal is a big success

You both share stories, and your ears still can't believe it, but Zavala actually laughed with you!

Your attention is brought back when the light level drops, and you excitedly lead him back to the edge

This time, you sit down and swing your legs over the edge; Zavala follows suit

By this point, you've gotten used to the lack of oxygen and the bite of the wind, displaying a full face blush as you inch your hand over to Zavala's that rests on the cold rock between you

You're already dating, why are you treating handholding like it's a sin?

Silence has never been more comfortable, and you even grow bold enough to rest your head on his shoulder

He tenses for a moment before allowing himself to lean into your warmth

The moment you've been waiting for happens: clouds clear just enough for the vibrant colors of the sunset to break through and the land is washed in a warm orange

You look up to see his reaction, but surprise surprise, he's looking right at you

You've never seen him look so calm before, and you can't find it in yourself to stop when you close the small gap and leave a peck on his lips

That day becomes the defining moment of your relationship with the Titan Vanguard

Nsfw 👁👄👁

Consent is absolute, he will probably ask too many times even if you are deep in it

Zavala is a sensual lover, if you want him to be rough be prepared to work for it

He'd prefer to have you as the dominant because if you're leading, he most certainly has your consent, but he will still be willing to switch roles

Hips. When do you think was the last time this man got any kind of this attention? Soft skin is hard to come by as a Guardian, and he enjoys being able to hold you

Expect plenty of rubs and massages on your thighs

Everywhere around his torso is sensitive when he's in the mood, just give a few grips or light scratches and you'll have a new beast to deal with

Zavala does his best to discover all of your sensitive spots as well; he is as dedicated to delivering pleasure to you as you are to him

He also likes to kiss around your neck and collarbone when he gets the chance

It may take a LOT of convincing and talking, but you could totally get him to rail you in his office

Fluff

Long mornings just sitting in bed and cuddling

Surprisingly alright with PDA, every time you get to visit him on the job you two will share a kiss

You do not want to imagine what being a Vanguard member entails, especially if you go by how tense his muscles are; poor fella won't ask you to massage him to not burden you, but you know how much this man needs it

You can ask him to pick you up and he will gladly bridal style carry you where you want to go as long as it's nearby

You may attempt to pick him up in the same fashion, but if you cannot do it both of you will be laughing together for a long time

Scenic dates on Earth and other planets, the best non-enemy infested spots discovered by you during your Guardian outings

Occasionally you'll help him file his pesky paperwork; a desk job will never be your strong suit

Your anniversary is always spent returning to the Iron Temple and climbing Felwinter's Peak, sharing a basket of food prepared by both of you at the top while gazing at the sunset

[foxfireartist]

I just realized that, in the eyes of our society, because I have a psychological inability to get a “normal” job my life and entire existence is entirely worthless. I have no purpose or meaning and, therefore, should do society a favor and rid it of the perceived burden that is my existence.

Society says I’m just being lazy but after giving everything I have and doing my absolute best to the point of complete burnout, I was still told I wasn’t trying hard enough. In school I was told that if I got a GED, no college would take me and no job would hire me.

I got my GED because I was unwilling to literally kill myself for my diploma. In the eyes of society, that makes me lazy. In the eyes of society, the impact that statement left on me makes me lazy, even though I know it to be a false statement.

Having panic attacks every time I try to apply for a job (that I’m entirely convinced I’ll be rejected for anyway) and being unable to make it all the way to the interview let alone past the application, makes me lazy. What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with the people who decided this?

Society has no right to make anyone feel worthless like this. I know my life matters even if society says otherwise. I know my life has meaning and I can give it purpose. Maybe I am lazy but not for any of the reasons above. I may never get a “real” job but that doesn’t make me lazy. It makes the job I do eventually get unconventional but hard earned and hard won even if I am the only applicant. I deserve to be happy just like everyone else and so do you.

Edit: I appreciate the sympathy and support but I want to be clear on something. This post isn’t me feeling worthless and needing comfort. It’s me being angry about the fact I developed these issues after years of traumatic neglect from teachers. People who were supposed to encourage my interests and strengths. The people who were supposed to guide me into a healthy adulthood instead taught me that my interests and talents had no value and that if I couldn’t conform and pick up a “useful” skill, my life was worth nothing. I know these are lies and I’ve moved past much of that neglectful damage but the scars the experience left may never fully heal. Picking myself back up is only going to help me. It isn’t going to change the fact that, after nearly 10 years, not only is that specific problem not going away, it appears to be getting worse. Society needs to change whether we care about what it thinks of us or not. I’m not here to glorify or romanticize having a mental illness. I only want to prevent it from developing as much in future generations.

[quixotic-writer]

Signs

request: @birdgirl1772

Summary: New York was the place she hopes new horizons would be seen with a brand new job on the set of Impractical jokers with her long time boyfriend. Things didn’t change as she hoped and signs led people’s minds down a road they didn’t know was there. Q ventured in but is determined to help her on a path of her own.

Warning: Themes and talk of ab*se

————————————————

'Everything's fine. It's all okay.'

Like a mantra I keep telling myself over and over again as I frantically try and get the apartment put into order. He'll be up at any moment and I need breakfast hot on the table for him, if not he'll just do it again.

Almost as if on cue, I hear his footsteps and I feel a chill down my spine. I straighten myself up and put on a brave happy face.

"Good morning, breakfast is hot and ready." He doesn't say anything to me, just sits down at the table and quietly eats his breakfast as I clean up the kitchen. "I have a long day at work today on set, I might not be home in time to make dinner. How about some takeout at that italian place around the block?" He huffs.

"I don't ask for much, do I? All I want from you is a hot meal on the table. You're not the only one that works, you know." He spoke in a calm pointed tone. It was always scarier like this because it was the brewing and bubbling before worse happened.

"I'm sorry they just need me on set, I can't help that today is going to be a longer shoot."

"You can open your fat mouth about not being home to do basic shit, why can't you open your mouth to get a decent schedule?" I sit at the table nibbling at my plate of food, poking around at whatever was on it with my head hung low in shame. "My family wonders why I haven't proposed to you yet, how am I supposed to marry someone who doesn't even have any traits of a good wife?" He picked up his table and loudly threw his dishes in the sink making me jump.

I sit there without any tears left to cry. I just stare at the oak table and wonder why I can't do anything right. He comes back into the room with his coat in hand, lays a hand on my shoulder and plants a kiss on top of my head.

"I'll be home at 7 for dinner. Love you honey." He steps out the door and I hear him leave. I was left to clean everything up and clean myself up as well to head out for work.

When I went into the bathroom to change, I got a good look at my bare body. I had bruises in random splotches, some more faded than others. I felt disgusting. But he loved me. He's just pointing out things that I need to improve on... Right? That's all it is. He loves me. I convince myself mentally once more, but that only lasts mere seconds until i'm back to daydreams of escapism. I feel like a rat in a cage, he gives me everything, but he doesn't give me love. I'm just a sick experiment. A mere pet to him.

I pull my shirt over my head and cover the physical incarnations of my terrible secret and I head out the door to our filming location for the day: the bridal store.

I get to work and get things rolling before the guys get in: starting their coffee, helping set up their stations, double checking all the cameras are in place, and making sure each person is accounted for. I'm running all over set that I didn't notice or hear Q behind me. As I turn around with a coffee cup in hand, he's just standing there looking at me. I jump out of my skin and end up dropping the cup. A huge puddle of coffee is all over the floor and I feel my heart sink.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I immediately go down to grab the coffee cup. Q walks over and I screw my eyes closed fearing that I might be adding another bruise to my skin. But as I wait for a second, nothing happens. I open my eyes and see he has a couple of napkins and is helping to sop up the coffee.

"Didn't mean to scare you like that sweetheart! Are you okay?" He looks in my eyes with worry.

"I-I... I'm so sorry..." I couldn't get anything else out but that.

"You don't have to be sorry, accidents happen. I'm just happy none of it got on you, that would have hurt like a bitch!" We finish cleaning everything up and things seem to be back on track for everyone else. My heart felt like it was gonna fall out of my chest with how hard it was pounding so I found a way to escape off to the bathroom in a fired rush. As I was walking, I had my head down and clumsily bumped into someone else.

"Woah there speedy! Careful there!" I twist my head and see Joe who helps hold me steady so I don't fall, "You're an important part of the team and we can't have you getting hurt on our watch." He says with a smile. His words sound almost distant as my mind is only on finding a means of hiding. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost. Let me go get you water." He disappears and I go to hide away in the bathroom.

I slam the door and lock it. My palms are drenched in sweat and I'm shaking. I didn't make one mistake. I made two.

"You IDIOT!" I whisper yell to myself as I sit on the toilet. Eventually I had calmed myself down, took a breath, and wiped the sweat off my hands. The moment I opened the bathroom door there was Joe ready to knock, staring at me wide eyed. "Jesus christ Joe! Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack!"

"Sorry, didn't mean to. I was looking everywhere for ya! Got you that water, stay hydrated." He hands me an ice cold water bottle and gives a soft smile before disappearing into the maze of equipment and team members. I was almost confused. I could have gotten water myself. I shrug at the kind gesture and try to get myself back on schedule after having that huge breakdown.

Everything from there was on track, no more hiccups in the road. I watched alongside the tech team as each of the jokers worked their magic in the dress viewing room, seeing various bride-to-be's in dazzling white and ivory dresses. Lace, chiffon, satin, there was everything and so much more. The girls on the team and I would gawk at each and every one that came through on screen, gushing about how gorgeous they are and how beautiful each girl was too. It came to a close for me as a voice came over the speakers for me to fix something up closer to the guy's monitors, a minor wiring issue that needed touching up on. As always I was quick on the scene to make sure that the problem was rectified and it wouldn't stall anything. The guys were still doing their thing as Murr was up on the floor.

I worked quietly and quickly, but not quickly enough I guess. The boys started getting rowdy, yelling, shouting, and hollering. Something in me shut down and suddenly everything didn't feel real. I looked at the work I had in front of me and nothing was quite clicking in my head. I froze. I stood behind their monitor in a daze. I don't know how much time passed before someone helped me fix the last bits up and get me out of there. I went into this mental auto-pilot mode. I heard everyone's voices, but it sounded foreign and almost distant.

"Hey." That came to me clear, I turned and Q was there. He looked worried.

"Hey." Play it off. Play it cool. Don't burden anyone with your problems.

"Listen, I notice things from time to time and I think now more than ever I need to address this." He kept his distance from me, his shoulders were slumped.

"What do you mean?" Play dumb. Don't let him know.

"Are things okay at home? Like, you and your boyfriend?" Cry for help? No don't do that, he'll think you're weak. But I need help. I can't take it anymore. But you've put up with it for so long, you can change him, he loves you. My mind was racing and I felt like a chameleon caught in the middle of its color change.

"W-why?" You're making it so obvious, why are you like this? His face shifts and I think that was an answer in itself that he feared.

"You don't have to tell me anything, it's not my business. Just know that I'm here for you and that I care about you. You're a part of the team and one of the crew members I can actually classify as a friend, your safety means everything to me and the guys." He goes in to hug me, I flinch. His arms don't wrap around me but his arms remain open. I look at him, and slowly melt into the hug. Despite his large stature, his embrace was soft and comforting. I've been hugged countless times, especially by my boyfriend, but never had any of them ever felt anything like this.

'Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.' Was what was screaming in my head as he held me in his arms. But, I just couldn't. We both separated and he was back to take his turn. I just sigh and feel this aching in my stomach. Was it guilt? Shame? Fear? Anxiety for sure.

When things had wrapped up, I roamed about the bridal attire looking at all the dresses feeling as the various textures graced my fingertips and their shape creating a model in my imagination.

"Try some on! Some of the other girls on set did, I think you deserve a chance to as well." Q sneaks past me and I didn't jump out of my skin for once. My eyes lit up like fireworks and I grabbed dress after dress.

"Only if you can give me some honest feedback big guy!" I say as I skip off to the changing room. I changed in and strolled out to the mirror. I spun and got a full look of myself and I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time.

"Look at you glow! Look at that smile!" Q had said enthusiastically. His eyes had wandered, but I noticed they stopped and his expression had changed.

"Something wrong? Did I get something on the dress?!" I look about the dress to find where the stain or imperfection might be.

"No, you just have a bruise on ya. How'd that happen?" I turn and bend my neck to see where in the mirror. There it was on my back left shoulder. I felt ice shoot up my spine.

"I'm just a little clumsy and ditsy! Just being stupid little old me again!" I pick up the skirt and go back to the changing room. This time, I went into something that covered me a little more and hid everything that I wasn't ready to reveal. When I came out, I knew my smile was less enthusiastic and I had lost my spark. I looked at myself, and it was just like I had always dreamed I would look like as a kid if I ever got married. That's when my mood really changed and I just started to whimper and cry. Q was quick to be at my side as I fell to my knees and wept.

"Hey, hey, hey it's okay." He held my hand in his and spoke in a hushed tone as he knelt by me.

"No. It's not. It hasn't been for a while." My mascara was running when I looked up at myself in the mirror. I looked around to see if anyone was there. No one was.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's the dress."

"What about it? I think you look good in it if that means anything." I chuckle. Sweet even when I look like a disgusting disaster.

"It's not that. It's just, i've always dreamed of this. Any kid does, especially me. Dressed up in a gorgeous dress of their dreams for their wedding. Smiling when you find the one and the dress. I've dreamt about it ever since I heard my boyfriend say 'I love you' to me. I want to get married but I feel that dream slipping away. He says he loves me, but I'm nothing but a punching bag, a burden, inconsiderate, imperfect, unlovable. Nothing I do is right or enough. I loved him, but I just can't find anything good in him anymore and I can't live like this anymore." The tears fall fast and heavy down my face and onto the carpet of the room. Q doesn't do anything but listen, "I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. No one that cares. I moved here for work and away from each and every one of my support systems that I had. He said it'd be a new start but it feels like a trap now. I'm scared and I'm alone. I have no one that loves me."

"I don't know what to say to make this any better but I can tell you this for certain: you are not alone in this. He doesn't deserve you. He's stooped to the lowest of the low and is the scum of the earth. A royal piece of shit. I want to help you and I want to get you out of there." My head whips to him and our eyes connect and the tears temporarily stop.

"What do you mean?"

"You have your own bank account right? You know where all your important stuff is right? Do you have a suitcase to pack essentials?"

"Yes. But Q, and I mean this in the nicest way, what the fuck?" It felt like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope.

"You say you have no support system, well i'm it now. So are the rest of the guys whether they like it or not really. I'm hatching a plan. Are you in or out?" Everything felt sudden and so fast, my mind was racing and so was my heart. This was my chance, my opportunity, my sign that I've been begging for.

"I'm in."

"Perfect."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and I watched him climb into bed in the reflection. I look back to myself.

'Am I ready for this? Is this really what I want?' Second thoughts bloomed in my mind as my eyes kept wandering off to him. This is gonna break him and I almost felt kind of bad for it. I spit the minty foam and rinse my mouth. No more doubts for myself. This is it. I climb into bed and just lay there on my back for a while as I felt the bed shift on occasion as he settled in for the night.

After what felt like an eternity but was only half an hour, I knew he was dead asleep. I snuck out of my bed and gathered all of my important belongings. Special papers like my social security card, passport, etcetera. Quietly pulled out my suitcase and stuffed it to the gills with all my clothes and other little trinkets like jewelry and knick knacks. Once I was all quietly packed, I left it by the front door and sent a quick text to Q that our plan was in motion.

I stepped back into the bedroom to see him unshifted and unbothered. I wish he had been like this all the time. I at least wanted to have the decency to officially split us. I scribbled out a messy letter that I left on the kitchen counter as I heard a car come to a stop on the quiet streets. A peek outside the curtain revealed a red jeep waiting outside. My heart fluttered. I looked around at my surroundings one last time, taking in the last drops of memories both good and bad. With a deep breath I snuck out the front door. Q helped throw my suitcase into the trunk and gave me a hug and I began to cry.

"Honey?" I hear a strained tired voice that wasn't Q's. We both looked to see him standing in the doorway rubbing the sleep from his eyes and to see if what he was seeing was correct. My heart sunk. "Are you kidding me? Cheating on me? You've got to be fucking kidding me." He started to approach and Q shoved me into the passenger seat and guarded the door like a dog, standing tall. I could hear it all beyond the window.

"She's been nothing but loyal to you I can promise you that, maybe a little too loyal for scum like you."

"What do you know about us? Who the fuck are you anyway?" They both stood chest to chest and I was terrified of what was to come next. The fear of not knowing what will happen and being terrified at the idea of the worst thing happening left me trembling and silently crying.

"I know enough. Now step off."

"That's MY girlfriend. Fuck off tough guy." He pushes Q's chest and he stumbles back into the car but quickly regains balance. His fist reels back and I seal my eyes shut not wanting to see anything. When I opened them back up, he was on the floor holding his nose.

"If you know what's good for ya, you'll get your ass back inside and leave her the fuck alone." He begrudgingly gets up, stands there for a moment, looks to me with a glare, and backs away inside. Q adjusts himself and steps into the car.

"Are you okay?" Once again, I'm tearing up and grew to be a mess.

"You're so worried about me. I'm okay but are YOU okay?" I say with a smile.

"Well I just set that dick straight I think, and I'll be having you staying in my guest room. I think I'm doing pretty great." He says with a chuckle as he sets the vehicle in motion, "Now, let's get you to your new place of residency."

"At least until I can find a place for myself."

"Of course, but know: You're welcome to stay as long as you need. All I ask is for occasional help around the house."

"Of course. It would be incredibly rude if I just made a mess of the space you're so graciously sharing with me." We sat in the quiet of the car, adrenaline crash kicking into my system and my eyes grew heavy. "Hey. Thanks by the way."

"That's not an easy situation. It's hard to do alone. The fact that I could help you makes me happier than you know. You deserve to feel safe and loved and feel real love." I smile and he does too.