#it just. feels so fucking lonely
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love paying thousands of dollars so I can sit in a lecture hall and over think my identity instead of maths
#its like. god idk. the more i think about it the more i feel like i have to accept that i am just aroace?#and the more i realise i really dont want that to be true?#it just. feels so fucking lonely#like. god.#all my friends are in relationships and im not. everyone was talking about childhood crushes yesterday and i just couldn't join in. we were#fillimg out these identity chart things and there just. wasnt an option for what i was#relationships are always going to be more important than friendships and that makes sense. i get that. but that also means im always going#to be lesser to someone else#like yes amato/allonormativity is bullshit and i shouldnt listen to it but. fuck its depressing feeling like im just missing a core part of#what makes someone a real person yk. it fucking sucks#like i think im already sensitive to that bc growing up trans and neurodivergent means i already feel like ive missed out on so many#milestones#and now i have this. and im always going to have this. and it fucking sucks#like idk!! i wanna date!! i want someone to care about me in that way!! but ill never be able to do that without feeling like im decieving#them so whats the fucking point yk!!#like im just overexaggerating the few hints of sexuality i have now to at least try to pretend i have one#because at least then i can be included in those conversations and not feel like a lesser person for those few seconds#but then it changes. and im back to feeling like a freak and half of a person !! and i feel like a freak and gross whenever i di exaggerate#my sexualoty at all so yk. no winning there ig#god idk#this got uh. more depressing than i thought#i think i just already feel lowkey like shit constantly so this just makes it worse?#idk. im too tired for this shit#thumbsup#i swear im normal
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Bit of a weird question, but what is your overall least favorite thing about MLP? ďżź
Sparity.
#magicalgrimm#ask me#thereâs a later season episode (post spike getting wings) that Tulli and I could not finish because it was so awful#where rarityâs feeling lonely without spike whoâs grown up and moved on from his crush on her#so she gets extremely clingy and manipulatey to get this. teenage boy to pay attention and worship her again#and rarity gets visibly jealous of spike spending time with another teenage dragon girl#itâs extremely extremely creepy. by FAR rarityâs absolute worst rock bottom moment#actual textbook groomer behavior#and even worse the episode kinda shits on rarijack where rarity tried to replace spike with applejack in helping her#but aj fails and fucks things up and isnât right for the job. so the episode implies spike is a better match with rarity than applejack#itâs just all sorts of wrong eugh.#sparity just sucks so bad I canât believe a good chunk of bronies still ship them or consider them a viable ship#Iâm fine with spike having a kid crush on rarity it happens with kids#but the more the writers just kept teasing and toying and baiting it. overstayed its welcome#especially because they have no chemistry. spike doesnât have a reason for liking rarity other than âhot woman in her mid-20sâ
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imagine amanda watching how mothers on vulcan share a telepathic bond with their children and not being able to do this for spock
imagine how it would break her heart, how she might worry they'll never connect when she sees a mother touching her daughter's face or holding her son's hand with purpose, without words
imagine spock melding with her as soon as he's able, showing her he loves her because he can't say it, he'll never be able to say it
imagine her being so proud of her little boy for researching and teaching himself to meld with a non-telepath just for her, all for her
holding him after when he's so exhausted he goes boneless in her arms and she strokes his hair and thanks him
and he mumbles something about it being illogical to thank him before falling asleep and she holds his little hand and feels the tiniest sparks of love still there, so small she might've imagined them before he's snoring softly
#this whole headcanon is probably too soft for ârealâ vulcans but whatever#and ugh spock crying as a baby more than (fully) vulcan children#sarek just touches his forehead and senses what he needs/quiets him#and she feels like a terrible mother for not being able to do it herself#fuck fuck fuck#spock's mind must have been so lonely#like vulcan parents must start bonding with their children the second theyre born right?#with nursing them and holding them and caring for them#wahhh#vulcan#sarek#star trek#head canon#inspiration?#spock#star trek tos#the original series#my text#amanda grayson#sarmanda#star trek the original series#headcanon#fanfic
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Halo
#mmm ok lemme just start w the tags then ill ramble#welt yang#hsr#honkai star rail#hi3#honkai impact 3rd#my art#ok anyways. i didnt have too many thoughts when i started it beyond âuni is killing me but i NEED to do my daily drawingsâ#some thoughts did go through my mind while drawing which determined the direction this went in#which is that this could be a badass heroic drawing but.. it isn't. this doesn't feel very happy does it?#it makes him look a bit lonely#but something about the pose and the red is ominous. like he's unreadable but theres something sad about it#the moon in the background has a bit of a double meaning - namely the actual moon and its purpose in hi3#as the final destination of the honkai and the story but.. him as well#and as a halo. i love that the three major organizations in hi3 are basically religious groups#and AE basically worships joyce and his legacy (!) and welt tries to fill that. i mean the title sovereign alone means like. absolute ruler#an untouchable figure in terms of power and control over their people#so i really like to give him some sort of fucked up fake halo. he can imitate a saintly figure but it dehumanizes him in turn#he even talks about humanity like he's not a part of it#what's left is some kind of creature mimicking divinity but becoming isolated and inhuman in the process#(gesturing wildly) THINK ABOUT THE COSMIC HORROR POTENTIAL OF BEING A HERRSCHER. HE LITERALLY PERCEIVES REALITY DIFFERENTLY. CMON.
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Initial drawings of that old man⌠I literally, I havenât finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shitâŚ!!!! The urge was too greatâŚ.!! Iâve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then⌠but I do now⌠thank god⌠thank fucking god
#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#self ship#self insert#si x canon#it me#doodles#I got a haircut! so my hair looks different now.. as haircuts tend to do lol#anyway⌠yeah⌠I LOVE HIM⌠GRAHHFJH#the confirmation that he rlly is just sad and lonely and insecure and craving attention and validation#OHH FORD BBY.. WE R THE SAME#like⌠ghghg i loved him already just w his prickly nerdy outer shell but knowing more about the vulnerable center is GREAT. ITS AWESOME#also hes a smart nerdy guy who can do science and expirements and shit which is ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS FOR A CHARACTER TO DO#u kno im all about scientistsâŚ.#I couldnât draw ship art back then 1 cuz I didnât kno how to draw old men and 2 cuz I was like 13 lol⌠which would have been wierd#but Iâm an ADULT NOW. GET OVER HERE FORD#also it didnât even rlly cross my mind TO draw that stuff cuz even tho I did love ford#self ship and x reader sorta stuff was not NEARLY as popular back then.. like I specifically remember it like. booming in popularity#at some point. but being pretty rare before that. anyway. thank u passage of time and trends and new gravity falls book for introducing#me back to fictional man I love. so I can now draw myself smooching him and shit#hell yeah.#13 is probably not actually correct I do not remember exactly which year fords reveal was inâŚ#but I was probably older then 13.. but still#the point remains lol.#also omg. the bit in the book w the goth moth. âur probably into this sorta thing right?â#I AM INTO THAT SORTA THING FORD. thank u book of bill for being written specifically @ me. the immersion itâs great.#like ur so right ford I AM edgy and goth howâd u guess that tee hee. eyelash flutter#aLSO PLS IGNORE MY FINGER BEING IN FRAME IN THE LAST PIC. I was drawing in a tiny bound sketchbook#so I had to hold the paper down to keep it flat. and. I didnât feel like censoring my fucking. pinkie finger out of the image
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Remember how it took a Skill bond with Fitz for the Fool to realise that Fitz actually loved him and hadn't just been humouring him all these years out of pity I'm gonna fucking vomit
#realm of the elderlings#rote#fitzchivalry farseer#the fool#fitz and the fool#robin hobb#how am i supposed to liveeeeee robinnnnnnnnn#this thought was straight up keeping me awake last night!!!!#fresh off the final trilogy's revelations about the Fool's childhood I think about Farseer trilogy Fool and just want to weep forever#HE WAS SO LONELY. DON'T LOOK AT ME.#after what fucking Capra did to him of course he couldnât trust anyone and had to FEEL Fitzâs love to believe it#Fitz and the Fool perfectly matched in their inability to believe anyone could love them#robin!!!!!!!!!ÂĄ!!ÂĄ!
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Thinking about how if Shermy Pines. And like, if he is the baby, heâd be born in the 1970s and be 40 by 2012 and heâs already a grandad. He had to be a teen dad in the 80s (after a severe economic recession) and then his kid ended up being a teen parent by 1999 (Which is 8 years before ANOTHER SEVERE ECONOMIC RECESSION LOL)
Also he was born into a pretty broken family, probably rarely if ever saw his brothers. Do you think he ever saw Stanley before he had to start pretending to be Ford? Do you think Ford visited from college??? Because he didnât seem confident facing his father until he made millions, so like???
And, like, do you think Filbrick and Caryn changed as parents by the time they raised Shermy? Because it seems like a trend that as parents get older they mellow out a bit, so Shermy probably has a completely different experience with their parents then Stan and Ford, and talking to them is just âis this seriously the same parents???â (Imagine the silent resentment thatâd cause đđđ)
Personally I headcannon that Shermy had a daughter (Mabel and Dipperâs mom) and not a son like it says on the wiki because câmon. Can he just have a daughter. Idk why this is important to me but⌠câmon. Can he just have a daughter. It just feels right to me.
#gravity falls#Shermy pines#sherman pines#him being the same age as my parents feels weird#also him and his kid wouldâve had kids at like age 14#heâd be like 28 by the time Mabel and Dipper are born#CAN YOU IMAGINE#not even 30 yet#no wonder Mabel and Dipperâs parents are fighting#they got together in like freshman year#thatâs if their actual parents are still together#is Shermy even alive tho? bc why didnât Mabel and Dipperâs parents send them to their actual grandparents#maybe Shermy was an awful parent or something#or maybe he was busy with something else and Stanley was eager to take them#I imagine the call to âStanfordâ wouldâve been like#âhey I know youâre probably busy doing scientific research and all but#would you possibly be able to take Mabel and Dipper for the summer?â#and his reaction was just âYES. YES. ABSOLUTELY YES. WHEN CAN YOU SEND THEM OVER? CAN YOU SEND THEM OVER NOW???â#Or maybe they just remembered how happy Stan was when he saw Mabel and Dipper for the first time#supposedly he refused to give them back lol#so theyâre like âhey heâs a lonely old guy. maybe heâd like to spend the summer with the kidsâ#bc theyâre probably aware itâs a lot to ask for someone to take some kids for a WHOLE summer#also maybe Shermy just doesnât live in a place suitable for kids#like âStanfordâ has a whole cabin in the woods#Shermy âI had to raise kids in an economic crisisâ Pines might live in an apartment or something#that or heâs dead.#how fucked up would it be if he ACTUALLY died in a car crash#and Stanley winces as his faked death didnât age well
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rereading pandora hearts music inspo [ID: Vincent gently hugs Gilbert, one hand on his back and the other on Gil's head. Gil is embarrassed and a bit sad, Vincent has a warm smile. Everything is in warm yellow and dark blue tones, there are few warm yellow stars. End ID]
#pandora hearts#vincent nightray#gilbert nightray#them. the#vincent loves gil so much it melts me#and gil gives me neuron activation i want to fucking eat him alive#no wonder vincent loves his adorable brother so much#but just this feeling is like ... damn .... he can feel such strong things wow#wish i was capable of that amount of love or could recieve it#i probably still kin alice so this monologue is very funny#tsundere comes out of mind jail and is mesmerized by emotions#i have friends tho im not lonely just depressed
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Barty with âand if you go, I wanna go with youâ and Regulus with âand if you die, I wanna die with youâ matching tats on their collar bones
#I feel like reg fucks with quote tats hard#and Barty just like tats#and regulus#so he takes literally any chance ti get either matching tats with reg or just tats in his honor#they also both have the like protruding pale collar bones just begging to either be bitten or inked#theyâre so lonely day core#regulus black#regulus arcturus black#barty crouch jr#barty crouch junior#bartylus#starkiller
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no children
Nightmare belongs to Joku Cross belongs to Jakei
#undertale#utmv#undertale au#nightmare sans#cross sans#crossmare#nightcross#crightmoss#i should be studying for my finals...#but nooooo instead im thinking about evil doomed skeleton yaoi#crossmare on the mind 24/7 it's actually sick#anyway...#normally i like to hc them as disgustingly sweet to each other#but i like to indulge in the angst every now#i like to think that nm develops this one-sided obsession with cross cause he sees that cross is just as fucked up as him#and in some way he's really happy to find someone else who is just as miserable as him#cause nm finds comfort in the fact that there is someone else who is drowning in their own misery alongside with him#so nm refuses to let go of cross because if he does then that means that cross will heal from his trauma and leave him#and nm will just go back to being miserable by himself again#but that's just my sick and twisted interpretation of their dynamic#and i just really love the idea of nm having an unhealthy obsession with trying to find comfort in other people's misery#because it makes him feel less lonely#misery loves company as they say#teehee#ceci art
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.
#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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TES fest day 6: abandoned
In the grief of supposedly losing her brother, Lilanwe certainly made some choices. She joined the Worm Cult, becoming a much more cold and cynical person. Granted, it wasn't entirely Auredil's fault for what happened to him, but I don't know that she'll ever really forgive him for leaving her behind.
#yans art#tesfest24#elder scrolls online#lilanwe#like man lily and auredil's story is so fucked when I think about it now (in the best way. I love drama)#siblings who grew up relying only on each other and get pitted against each other by gods#she loses him and finds him and loses him again and refuses to accept that he's really gone while everyone around her tells her to let go#it becomes an obsession that drives her further away from people who care about her and she becomes angry and bitter#and she turns to this lone crusade against the worm cult. just hunting as many of them down as she can#just this vicious cycle of revenge and death which -chef's kiss-#also just the contrast between the two of them and her feeling like she's living in his shadow#her being an ex-agent of the worm cult who can never truly make amends#and auredil being meridia's champion who sacrificed himself to save nirn. thus dying a hero and absolving himself from the aftermath of tha#understandably she's resentful!#thanks for coming to my tedtalk
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I actually hate hate hate that I canât do impromptu hangouts or multiple event hangouts. I need things scheduled and I can only really do one thing before I start shutting down.
#els.txt#it actually really bothers me bc my friends will want to do several things in one sitting but I canât fucking do that#my body cannot handle that#I can do what we talked about bc thatâs what I have allocated the energy for. and I need more than a day to get that energy#and it makes me feel like a shitty friend bc sometimes theyâll want to do something else and I just⌠I just canât.#and I have to reschedule so I feel like a massive fucking flake#and itâs lonely! I want to do shit with my friends! I donât want to be beholden to my fucking disability for everything
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so sorry to make a post like this but i hate when people express that thereâs a lack of fluff/angst or a lack of writing for a certain character and proceed to interact with everything but that or just donât interact at all :/ as if it's so easy for authors to write and especially have the heart to SHARE it in the first place
#or they blatantly disregard new authors/authors who arenât as popular because apparently we donât exist and arenât worthy of anything#i canât even begin to explain how insulting and frustrating this is#itâs very lonely on here tbh i feel like iâm speaking into the void#why am i having to jump through hoops to not feel this way :<#ik i wonât make it far as a sfw blog on tumblr lmfao but the demand to interaction ratio is very off and thatâs whatâs upsetting#but honestly if youâre going to complain so much you might as well write ts yourself or just shut the fuck up#âthe tags are so dry đ¤đ¤đ¤â then go fix it janice
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god DAMN college loneliness actually hits hard :-(
#dragon's discussions#i dont even knwo why ims ad#i got emotional over fuckin WAGO WHEEL by darius rucker#and i wanna drive so bad#but im sad and lonely now and idk why im lonely when i clearly have friends here#like. theyre new friends so we dont have a warriors bond yet#but theyre pretty good friends!!!#and theyre all so cool!!!!!!#but im so fucking sad and i want a really big hug and i want someone to cuddle with#augh its lonely#i was just thinking earlier that i was adjusting well cuz i wasnt thinking stuff like#'ok college is great but im going home this wekeend' and i didint miss my parents that much#but i kinda feel really touch starved rn#whatever#i push on [actively sobbing]
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